Love me tender

Pictures and text by

Pradeep
Maheshwari

mydaughtermyjoy@yahoo.com

Dedicated to all the wonderful

souls who adopted me,
befriended me and nurtured me
in this life from all over the
globe.
For background details of the
author, please visit:

http://gunas.impex.googlepages.
com/pradeepmaheshwari

http://gunas.impex.googlepages.
com/thisbusinessofliving
Introduction.

In India, the girl child is getting a

raw deal. Selective abortions have
become a serious malaise which is
creating an imbalance in the sex
ratio. What is happening is wrong.
I am doing my little bit to bring in
a change into this mindset.

In this world of double standards,

this same girl child becomes
“desirable” as a wife and Mother by
some and by most as an object of
pleasure, commercially exploitable
and traded like a commodity;
never a person.
How did everyone miss the source
of JOY and undiluted AFFECTION
that she is?

It seems this mind-set is not

limited to India alone. What a sad
state of affairs!
What is so special of adults that
they have the right to marry and
procreate but not think any
further? How many people really
think of the aftermath of their
trysts and romps? None! Pairing up
is more an exercise in hope that
they will find the rainbow and the
pot of gold at the end of it. As if
willing it will make the
consequences go away. None of
their dreams are underlined by the
pragmatic display of life around
them; nobody seems to learn from
life or are they refusing to look in
that direction at all?

Does not the child have a right to

be NOT born? And once born, what
exactly are his rights?
The Young Lady in her Elements.

The hurt and harm parents can do

inadvertently or otherwise is
needed to be recognized - even
when they are concerned and try
to do the best within the scope of
their understanding. Very few
humans, even the better ones, are
able to rise above their
preconceptions, habits and
prejudices. Taking out their ire and
often making their own children
the focus of their desires is not an
uncommon phenomenon.

People lead such selfish,

introverted, limited and "me first"
lives and it automatically extends
onto the child.

The focus, I have seen is always on

the parents. It is “Their” child as it
was a piece of baggage on this
journey of life. “They” know best
what is good and bad for the child
– how was this ever presumed?
“They are doing their best –
whatever that means! I maintain
that 1) people should not be
allowed to have children until they
have done at least a course in child
psychology or/and Aptitude test. 2)
Financially comfortably endowed.
3) Divorces not allowed when
children exist.

I could dance all night.

night
It is unfortunate, that for
everything like driving a car, we
need a license, but when it comes
to having children there are no
rules. Every guy who can get
married is automatically given the
license to have children. Of course
marriage is not a binding factor
either. The number of children born
for a moment’s romp and then
abandoned is a mute testimony to
the utter irresponsibility of humans
and disregard for the hapless child.

The parents have to get out of

their egos and not think of the
child as "Their Possession". The
child is not an extension or
medium for the continuation of
their dreams and wishes. I see all
around me parents behaving as if
they had done the child a favor by
bringing him in this world and now
it was the child’s duty to pay them
back by making sure the parent
got all he wanted from the child –
no questions asked. Deplorable!
My focus here is on the girl child.
She has always received a raw
deal. Things have really come to a
point where I feel voices need to
be raised.

The Municipal Corporation really needs to

be pulled up.

My daughter at 16 months old was

everywhere and into everything.
This was a hot topic for debate.
My reply then and now is the
same. I think it is her natural
curiosity and she should be allowed
to explore. But everyone who sees
me with her complains that I am
not scolding her enough and that if
she is not made to understand the
correct ways, she will become
uncontrollable and end up totally
spoilt. My point of view is that she
is too young to understand and
that this can come later when I am
in a position to explain the pros
and cons of each action to her.
Right now it is all play for her.
More often than not she is aping
me. How can I scold her when she
has done no real wrong and surely
no deliberate mischief? And why,
even if I have something to say,
why should I scold her? It will only
kill her curiosity and stunt her
persona.

Me? I did not do anything.

Centre of Attention.
Aruna quickly became the
centre of attraction and quite
often total strangers would
make the effort to come and
want to cuddle her. The crowd
that gathered around her
somewhere on a beach in Kerala
was a beautiful experience.

We consciously took the

decision to travel all, over India
with her to expose to her to as
many different conditions of life
as we could. I have always
believed that the first two years
are the most important. The
basic character of the child is
forming at this time and will
make or unmake him in later
life. Let him absorb as much is
earthly possible in terms of
sounds, sights and people,
 specially of the positive kind and
he will never feel out of sorts in
this world he finds himself.

What shall we give Papa this father’s day?

All serious
serious conversations are with grandma
alone. By some quirk she has learnt how to
tease grandma and they both play the game
with glorious abandon
The case for taciturnity.

Now that my baby is over one year

old, I receive instructions from all
including my doctor to focus on
teaching my child to articulate
words and communicate in a
spoken language that we
understand. I am asked to repeat
certain words and commands so
that the child learns faster and we
may be able to communicate more
easily with the child. Every time we
meet a friend or relative, the first
question that is posed is “Has she
started to speak? Which words can
she speak now? Does she say
mama, papa? Then their focus
switches on to the baby and they
start asking her “Where is your
nose? Show me your nose?”

What in the name of heaven is the

hurry? I have never really
understood the need to bring
speech so hurriedly and in such
quantity and intensity in our lives.
The stress on speech and talking is
rather exaggerated considering the
exchanges I see happening around
me. I say that the time has come
to consider this factor and stress a
little on taciturnity. Let’s bring a
little silence in our lives.

As far as the child is concerned,

she is already picking up so much
from her surroundings that we are
amazed at her ability to sponge in.
She is communicating perfectly
and we understand her. We are
acting as gardeners. We are not
trying to push the plant into over-
growing itself by speeding the
process.

I have noticed that children have a

charm and grace that is soon
subdued and stifled by over-
zealous parenting. Parents want to
control their every movement,
teach them what to say and how to
behave and what-not. Why? Let
them just flower knowing that they
are loved and secure. Parents need
to instill a sense of belonging and
self-confidence in children but end
up by frightening and confusing the
child by making him feel
inadequate and often unloved.
Her love for all things beautiful was
apparent from the beginning.

It is the parent's duty to learn as

much about life as he can and then
pass it on and apply it in life. Don’t
bring up the child on "don’t do this
and don’t do that" Help him
explore himself and the world and
be there for him when he needs an
elder friend. Teach him the pros
and cons of each situation and let
him decide for better or worse.
We need to teach them to think for
themselves and NOT tell them
what to think.

Don’t be there hovering around

your child and doing everything for
him so that he has to never lift a
finger. Our job is to help the child
discover himself and his new world.
Let him do it and find out for
himself.

My daughter and I on her first birthday

 We rigged
up this swinging chair right in the
centre of our bed so she could be
helped thru her colic attacks. I
would lie down and help her to
sleep by pulling on a string. I got
my first scolding when for a
moment the swing stopped.
Fortunately her colic attacks
stopped when we started boiling
aniseed in her feed water.

Just after birth

birth
A full bottle and all’s right with the world.
What more can a man want?

ADORED

He is mine
The joy and cohesion she has
brought is beyond calculation.
We just can’t have enough of
each other.
Since the very beginning we have
let her play with food and taste
everything we eat. Today she is
not a fussy eater and always eats
by herself. She loves spoon feeding
her poor father who is quite a
clumsy guy. She loves to lay the
table and carries the used plates
back to the sink.
When children show a willingness
to help, let them, help them and
praise them.
Please try not to make
them cry!
That was my lipstick!!!!!!!

IT really does not take

much to make them laugh.
The Pleasure is mine.

I have finally understood the need

to spoil children. Although it is a
relative term I am quite happy in
letting my kid have her way. You
can see in her eyes that she knows
that this is HER place and that SHE
is master here. The confidence that
she shows when I am around
vanishes with others, including her
own mother who is a little more
stoic in her responses and not
averse to impose rules and
conditions that to the baby may
seem draconian.

The other day one of my friends

mentioned that he had noticed that
I rarely censor, forbid or discipline
my child; rather I tend to go along
with the child. He wondered if this
would not eventually lead to
spoiling the girl. Well, I told him it
is my belief that we all need a
friend who would accept us as we
are without judging us and I was
being that to my child. To the child
the parents should be the
friends/mentors/guides in front of
who he can be himself/herself. If I
want to stop her from doing
something, I do so by diverting her
attention.

Are you upset because I wet your pants?

This attitude needs to be nurtured.

If we become too much of the
teacher or the disciplinarian we risk
alienating the relationship and a
heavy price would have to be paid
later in life if a great distance and
distrust gets created between the
parent and child. So I told him if he
felt a little show of displeasure or
correction was warranted, I would
be glad that he showed it. The
child should learn that everybody
was not the same and it would be
honestly a big mistake to protect
the child too much from the big
bad world. I want that everyone
took the liberty to behave with my
child as they thought best. Let the
child see the world in all its facets
from the word go. This was in its
best interest.

If, of course, things went too much

out of hand then I would be there
for her and step in as a barrier. I
am and shall always be the island
where the child is protected and
told the secrets of life. My job is to
explain the tragedies and teach her
the tricks of life. The ideal is that I
change my style with her growing.
As she grows and her stances
change, so should my behavior and
responses. Parents who are able to
do this will never have much to
complain.

Can I have the other balloons too?

Let’s not kill all incentive and stifle
them before they get a chance to
flower. The truth is that we stop
the child when it is not convenient
to us. The child is not here for our
convenience. Period.

Note: there is no deliberate

mischief in her. Just play and of
course wanting to play at all the
games she sees us playing. Her
ability to ape is astounding. She is
a keen observer and repeats every
action she sees us do in one shot.

Everyone wants to know why I am

spoiling her. My question is am I?
She needs to play and explore this
world - right? And I am letting her
do it. How else will she know what
is OK and what is not?!!!!!

But I must say, having her in my

arms or when she comes and
envelops me in her arms or
recompenses me with a kiss, the
experience transposes me out of
myself and my heart melts into
chocolate syrup and blows up out
of proportion like a Goodyear
airship. It is such a lovely feeling to
be the chosen one. I have never
been loved liked this. The smile
and her tinkling laughter are worth
it all. Not only hers, for that matter
any child’s. Let us not become so
staid that we lose all sense of the
fun of life.

PS: But I have not lost my head

yet. I am now teaching her to take
me a little more seriously and show
my displeasure through my eyes +
shake of my head. I must say that
she is beginning to recognize and
respect this.
It has to be made as a request or
tears will flow, backed highly
dramatized acting- and make me
feel like a jerk. I know I am being
manipulated but then my mother,
wife, colleagues and everyone I
know is doing it so what is new? I
just wait for my opportunity to
have my own tantrums one of
these days.
She loves to pose.

Her ability to recognize and differentiate

between what is real money and the rest is
surprising. All
All the cash payments are made
thru her hands.
The Balding by Indian
traditions.

See what they did to me and I had no

choice!
Growing up Pleasures & Pains

Papa you are the cutest.

Whatever For?

A news coverage commentary on

CNN made me pen these few
words. She was talking about the
spread of this new disease in
Africa. She was advocating further
funds to be poured in aid of
removal of suffering. My question
is: are we removing or promoting?

Why are we so eager to pour

millions and millions into programs
that lead us no-where? Why are we
so eager to promote the welfare of
people who are not really eager to
do anything for themselves? It is
fantastic how humans can delude
themselves that life is one Silk
Road with happiness and wish
fulfillment is its goal.

Life may be utter misery, so what?

The very person who complains
about it also goes about doing
precisely what he should not to
make it worse. This reminds me of
an instance from my own life.
Many, many years ago my maid
came to me with a request for a
loan. Not a small loan; something
in the nature of Rs 10.000 which
left me aghast. I was paying her a
salary of Rs 300 per month. Her
monthly earnings were barely Rs
1200 from work in four homes. But
look at her courage. She was
prepared to take on a loan which
she would never be remotely ever
to pay.

I was well aware that her husband

was a never-do-well and had never
earned a penny in his life. He did
assist in spending the money on a
drink every evening. Her married
daughter had been deserted by her
husband and was living them. Her
two sons were coming up the same
way. She was bringing them up to
become gentlemen with education
and white collar jobs but she forgot
to imbibe in them the value of
work – hard or soft. In every
household, starting with their own
they were seeing the man of the
house shirking work and yet being
taken care of by the women. So
finally both the boys grew up into
expecting that their wives would
take care of the earning and
working part. They were convinced
as would have been obvious to all
that they were a gift to mankind or
at least to their womankind. The
maid was taking this loan to marry
off her first born. I did not give her
any money. I did not have any to
give. I did ask her how the son
would support a family. She had no
reply. Sheer optimism won
through. She did find somebody to
give her a loan at an exorbitant
interest and she went ahead with
the marriage.

Some months ago I met her again

working as a sweeper in the temple
I sometimes visit and enquired
about her family. The sons it
seems were not doing anything.
Their wives were working and
keeping the home fires burning.
Her husband was now too old and
sick and although she did not say
it, it could be seen that it was all a
great burden. She had perpetuated
her own miserable life on to the
next generation. The loan had
become a weight around the neck.
What bothers me is this – when we
assist these short-sighted people
are we helping them or hurting
them? Can we really ever help
them?

I cannot stop thinking that if she

had not found anyone to give her
the loan, she would have been far
much better off!

Lovely day is it not? Coming out for a

drive?

Upset at being denied. She has not

learnt yet to accept denial in her
stride. She cries for Papa or comes
to me and complains in strong
terms and clamors for redressal of
her complaints against her
grandma and mother.

The first thing is to have children

only when one is ready for them as
they have to be given 100%;
emotionally and physically. There
can be no half measures on this
score. The child is totally
dependant on its parents. He has
full rights also on them. He needs
and he has to be given everything
needed for his flowering. Love and
total devotion to the child’s welfare
is the key.
Some pertinent thoughts and
questions.

Look at how we have fashioned our

life. The same mother who is
supposed to be a know-all about
children and is allowed to give birth
to babies and raise them up, needs
a certificate and training to teach
children when she applies for a
teacher’s job and if she wants to
become a foster parent (in the
USA), she will need certification to
take in children. Consider the fact
that the General medical
practitioner is not considered good
enough to treat our children; for
that we need specially trained
doctors called pediatricians. So
quite obviously on one hand we
accept that children are special and
need special understanding but on
the other we think nothing of
letting sperms meet eggs and let
them grow into babies
indiscriminately. Our logic being
that every baby comes with his
own destiny and we happily
rationalize that we are doing it a
good turn by allowing it to enter
into this wonderful world of ours.

Why are our law makers not

thinking about corralling these
males who are spawning away with
total impunity? What rights have
they to bring a child into this world
and worse when the child is here
who is letting them run away?
Should we not make it a cognizable
offence? All these children who
have been brought into this world
without their consent and who now
have no roof over their head with
little hope two square meals, how
will they manage?

There is no justification to let

things be as they are.
What does the future really hold for me?

As a lone child she depends on her

father for playing and other
activities. She misses other
children. She will have to wait till
she starts going to school for more
playmates.

In a general way, on the spiritual

level, one can say that the worst
that can happen to the child are
the parents.
The parents, 99% of them, do not
bring up their children consciously.
They are following a natural trend
by habit and instinct. They are
simply being themselves. It is not
only how we behave with the child
but the galling fact is that the child
picks up the same behavior
patterns and repeats them and this
can go on into many generations.

In India where arranged marriages

are the norm, there is also the
social responsibility to get one’s
progeny married off as a religious
duty. I have seen sick and
mentally challenged people found
mates on the strength of financial
clout or plain and simple duping of
the other party. Why?

Now what?

People have sex for fun. Nature

does the rest.
The children are "Gifts of god" and
accordingly we expect God to rear
them for us too. These gifts we
throw out into the world
without care.

Even the best parents do not think

beyond, "food (without any
attempt at good nutrition), clothes(
not always chosen with the child in
mind), schooling(with no serious
intent behind it)" after that it is all
left to GOD and he is squarely
blamed for anything that may
happen later. And of course, when
the weight of rearing the child
becomes too much, the child has to
bear the brunt of our ire which can
often be horrendous in the
extreme.

It is so saddening.
But I want to go there.

We are born of a selfish beginning

and live selfishly thereafter. The
children we give birth to reflect our
pride as our possessions, brought
into this world by our effort and we
may even imagine ourselves as
The Creator. All the philosophers
tell us that this world is an illusion
and I suppose that we can add this
thought of being Creators as
another illusion. Unfortunately this
illusion has repercussions way
beyond the fallibility of a random
thought. It is true that all our
thoughts and imaginings to a very
great extent make or mar our
existence; we learn this truth after
a life lived to the full and when our
chickens come home to roost.
Unfortunately, by the time we
come to our senses, the harm has
already been done.

The bitter truth of life is that the

laws of nature implore us to
procreate at an early age when we
still have the drive and strength to
rear the child through the long
gestation period needed for a
human child to come into his own.
This normally works out to be in
the age group when in many other
ways the humans are themselves
still children mentally and
emotionally. So the end result is
children rearing up more children
and passing on all their fears and
insecurities and making colossal
blunders in the actual act of
feeding, clothing and educating.
Generation after generation this is
being repeated and we can safely
say that we are perpetuating our
miseries on to the next generation
who in turn will most probably do
the same. Of course with every
generation, with more education
there is an improvement but it is
unfortunately not the norm yet in
terms of percentage of the world’s
population. Even in so-called
educated societies, only few ever
try to improve themselves and put
the interest of the child before their
own.
We forget very easily that the child
is totally dependent for everything
on us to understand its needs and
that The Lord has put a very great
responsibility on our shoulders. It
is imperative that we forget
ourselves totally and immerse
ourselves to meet the child’s every
little need. Our attitude should be
of compassionate indulgence.
Every whimper and movement
should be taken seriously and we
should go to great lengths to learn
and study every piece of
information available to us to learn
what the child may be going
through and the best course of
action in every tiny inconsequential
situation for that particular time.
We have to make this effort for our
child. This is the karma we have
imposed on ourselves and our own
lives depend upon it.

My story begins with my daughter

Aruna born to us on 31st August
when I was in my 58th year. I was
very apprehensive. Would I be able
to do a good job of rearing her up
properly? But mine has been a life
of teaching and counseling and
therefore of learning. After all the
trial and tribulations of a life lived
to the hilt, I was well aware that
happiness comes from spreading
happiness which then comes back
to you.

As explained in Zen philosophy,

join the club of givers where
everyone is giving each other all
the time. So the day she was born,
I took the vow that I shall totally
subvert my interests in the joyful
and attentive bringing up of my
daughter. I would not permit
myself to be sidetracked by my
own fatigue, bad moods and her
demands. There were special
reasons for me to do so.

Many, many years ago I lost my

brother just in front of my eyes.
The date was 31st August. I felt
that I had not taken care of my
brother as well as I should have. I
have missed him deeply. I had
prayed often that if I ever get
another chance, and if only The
Lord would give me one, I will do a
better job of it. When this daughter
of mine was born on the same date
I took it as Divine providence and
got into the job of fulfilling my vow
as best as I could.

I realized early in life that

whenever we step into a
relationship or responsibility; we
should prepare ourselves for it
assiduously. Something I find that
most people really do not give
much thought to. We do prepare
ourselves for jobs or sports or even
hobbies but when it comes to
getting married we never think
twice and go into it for the game of
it. In extension having a child is
just part of the natural course of
things.

I find it difficult to accept this

attitude. Before we commence
preaching we must have practiced
it they say. Well, in this case I am
well qualified. I studied all the
books on psychology I could find
when I was in college. Reader’s
Digest was my favorite journal.
And I devoured every word I could
find on the subject. I observed my
peers and others in our huge joint-
family system. Marriage as a happy
state did not seem to be quite the
thing at all.

Everyone around me was bickering

and unhappy with his/her partner
but still would advise marriage to
the unmarried and wherever they
could they would organize alliances
and push them through. I wonder
if this is not a revenge they are
perpetuating for having been
pushed into lack-lustre marriages
by their own peers. My own
parents never put up for us a very
encouraging image either. In short
I was confused and did not feel
that I had the acumen and
patience to live with what I
concluded to be inconsistent and
often unreasonable behavior of
women. So I experimented and got
into relationships with the opposite
sex and was lucky enough but I
noticed that as soon as a friendship
would develop so would begin the
demands and sulks; this I found to
be unacceptable, a waste of time
and energy and soon the
relationship would come to a
natural end leaving a bitter taste in
the mouth. I realized that when I
was initiating a relationship, a
certain amount of “taking-for-
granted” by the other party was
involved.

I then happened to come across

the book By Somerset Maugham –
Mrs. Craddock. The sentence in the
book which suggests that in every
relation there is one who loves
while the other lets himself be
loved struck a big chord in me

In grandma’s loving hands

and clarified my own observations.

From then on I decided to wait for
somebody to fall in love with me
while I let myself be loved. And I
must say this too happened, but I
could not for the life of me stand
these women as they followed me
too insistently. Their need to have
it their way was just too restrictive
for my sensitive ego. They wanted
my whole time and focus. It was
claustrophobic. So I remained
unmarried till the age of 46. It is
only at this mature age that I felt
that I have seen enough and
should be able to manage a
relationship well.

It was a practical affair with bio-

data exchanged and the alliance
fixed between the families.

It is only when my wife gave me

feed-back on certain aspects of my
behavior that I understood how
selfish and inconsiderate I was
being. I was truly at fault. The
learning process and my arrogance
that I was better than others took
a solid beating. My wife was a
mirror that kicked back and I am
really grateful to The Lord for a
wife who taught me to grow out of
my self-centeredness.
There were times when a break-up
was imminent but the maturity of
the years stood up to trial.
Then we had Aruna.

My wife’s first question was will she

be pretty, whereas I could already
see the most beautiful girl in the
world in her.

Bringing up Aruna

My wife has a responsible job in a

bank so she was not there in the
day. I took the mantle of nurse and
papa. It is then I realized what a
stupendous job women do and the
unrelenting continuity of the
responsibility it is to look after a
child. The first thing was the
immediate response that was
required of us. We are on call 24
hours without break and no respite
in sight. That is if we take our
parenting seriously. I do wonder
often how mothers with more than
one child cope at all; what with
house-work and the clamoring of
attention by the children.
The first three months were ok.
She was just lying there and all I
needed was to cuddle her to
reassure her that she is in good &
hopefully capable hands. I was
feeding her every 3 to four hours
and changing her nappy every now
and then. Making sure that she
was covered well and when she
was in a bad mood which she
indicated by crying I would carry
her around snugly ensconced in my
arms and sing to her. She loved
that.

I love you mum.

Then came winter. The first winter

I felt is a dangerous time and the
little one is too fragile to meet its
vagaries. So I enclosed myself in
my warmed up bedroom at a
stable temperature of 24 deg
centigrade and stayed there. We
came out of it only when the
weather had moderated.

I am sure many of you would say

that this is not possible for anyone.
There are other responsibilities and
tasks beckoning. I would agree
with you all. But then, this is what
I mean when I say that we should
have children when we are
properly prepared and have the
means and time to meet their
every need and really can afford to
have one.

I had mine at a ripe age, working

from home and with time on my
hands that I could call my own. At
this juncture of my life, the
daughter was absolutely the most
important thing in my life and I
was on call 24 hours of the day for
the next two years without a
break.
Nutrition.
I have the good luck of having
good friends who are doctors and
brothers and sisters who are
doctors too. Additionally I have
been a student of Adele Davis, the
nutritionist and Biochemist who
has had a big influence in my life.
So I was well aware that at this
stage of life the most important
factor is to ensure that my baby is
well fed and all her developmental
needs properly taken care of. This
we did to the utmost possible.
Supplements, milk and nutritional
requirements were met without
fail. Her growth was well
documented by her pediatrician
and even she remarked that she
was pleasantly surprised. As she
grew I added elements like Cod
Liver Oil and Protein supplements
into her feed. Later on before she
could manage to feed herself only
on solid food as many advised and
even my wife felt so, I introduced
her to ready-made nutritive
supplements so that her growth
was not restricted in any way of for
any reason she did not feel like
eating.

Cuddling and being by her side was

in my opinion part of the package.
I believe in sleeping with the little
one by my side as I could and
would respond with alacrity to any
change or sign of discomfort. I am
mortally afraid of crib deaths or
such.

The only thing that we had to work

out for ourselves was how to
control her colic. Eventually I hit on
the possibility of boiling a little
aniseed in her feed water and it
relieved her almost totally. Here I
may add that doctors and other
mothers were no help. The doctors
prescribed medicines and the
mothers advised 101 things but to
no avail. Homoeopathy helped the
most.

I was often advised to stick to a

regimen of time etc. This I found
difficult to agree with. The body is
not a clockwork machine. It is not
in the same “mood” all the time.
So we gave this advice on fixing
times and quantities a miss. We
catered to the child when she
demanded it and let her direct her
own life. No stress and no
pressures was our motto. Later on
when she was ready to taste solid
food we let her taste everything
she wanted to. Restrictive
upbringing is in my opinion is
stifling the child before it has a
chance to find anything about the
world. Today we are rewarded by
the fact she is not fussy at all. She
eats everything we do and she
does it with relish and abandon.

Hold on to that branch baby.

On the matter of eating habits we

let her choose her style and
method. This did result in some
messing up and a lot of cleaning up
but this is all part of the play and
only a game for the child. A wise
parent should learn to play with his
child and not worry too much
about teaching and browbeating
him into acceptable habits of
adults. There would be time
enough for that.

Aruna with no fear or stress of any

kind in the form of scolding from
her parents did things by aping us.
She even started helping us by the
time she was 15 months old by
laying the table and then clearing
the table. She is very organized
and very orderly. She eats with us
and at the appointed table. We did
not have to teach her anything.
She learnt it by trying it out and
venturing out which we were just
too happy to let her do. She was
showing a level of intelligence and
initiative that we as adults tend to
ignore in children.

I think it is bad form to run after

kids to make them eat and saying
no for many things while yes to
only some things. This confuses
them to no end. I have seen so
many children becoming difficult
because their parents simply do
not listen to them or let them play
at adult games. Surely what is
good for the parents is good for
them too! If you are really
interested in your child, try to see
the world from his viewpoint.

Aruna at play

Letting the child play is the first

lesson in raising a well balanced
and rounded personality of the
child.
A very important point is that
everything is play to them.
Whatever they will see us do they
will want to do both at home and in
the playground. This is one reason
I did not agree to have nannies or
servants bring up my child. I tried
for a few days when fatigue was
overtaking me sleep deprivation
was seriously affecting my health
but within four days we found that
the child had become silent and
the eyes had lost the sparkle. Then
we observed closely how the
servant maid was behaving with
her. Not only that we also
observed how the other children in
the park were being chaperoned by
their maids.

Papa come here.

It was the same story with all of
them. They would take so much
care of them and protect them so
much that they would keep the
child in their arms and refuse to let
it get into any activity lest it get
hurt or dirty the clothes. I asked
one of them why they were
denying the child the freedom to
play and explore and they said
quite logically that they would be
blamed if anything happened to
the child.

Are you listening to what I am saying?

They could not risk their own job

as no one is going to listen to their
side of the story in case of a
mishap so they had no choice but
to be careful and play safe.

The result was a constant barrage

of “You will fall down” – “you will
hurt yourself” – “I said NO” –
“Come here, play with this ball” –
from what I could see there was a
focus on disaster as if we were
inviting it. And what were the
children learning from it? The way I
see it they were instilling fear in
every word an action as they would
simply not let the child do anything
for himself. If he wanted to climb
on the slide they would pick him up
and do it for him. If he ran they
would hold him lest he fall; and
many other idiotic reactions that I
could never agree to.

Then there is the possessive

attitude that we end up inculcating
in children. I could hear parents
and/or their maids constantly
warning the children NOT to play
with the toys of other children with
sentences like “This is not yours.
Give it back” – “Play with your
toys” – “Don’t cry, we will buy you
another one” and often comments
like “You have all the toys of
similar kind at home” as if trying to
tell the world at large around there
that they were not beggars.
Why not teach them to share?

The parents should not feel

ashamed for the actions of the
child and simply laugh it off when
he does something that we in the
adult world would consider
improper.

I wonder why these parents with

no time for their kids ever have
them. Seems they have children
more out of tradition than love for
a child. Or is it an accident that
happened. I talked to many of
them and they all replied that they
were not really aware what child
bearing would entail and one of
them was candid enough to say
that she was just raising them up
as a responsibility thrust on her
and did consider them a nuisance
although with time she learnt to
love them and be attached to them
but as I could see it was more as
an extension of herself. They knew
fully well that all their capers would
result in a child but never expected
that it would be downright slavery
to the little imp.

I would advise to all would-be

parents to think well before having
a child. Because once you have
one, you are on the burner and if
this does not appeal to you, don’t
have one. What has the child done
to you to merit a fate of neglect?

I delight in my child. The smile on

her face transposes me to ecstatic
heights. I am her friend and
assistant. She recompenses me
with kisses and embraces and of
course with cries of Papa whenever
the world is not going her way.

I just love it. Whatever this word

means in today’s world.

I had a very pleasant experience

the other day. A neighbor stopped
me in the park and complimented
me on the time and effort I was
putting in the raising of the child
and said that it was visibly paying
off because it was there for all to
see how smart the kid was shaping
up.

Cuddles and the security of your

presence are more important than
all the wealth of this world.
When I see her romping all around
us, supremely happy with her
condition and smiles at me, tears
of contentment well-up in my eyes.
My child was a little prematurely
born. To compensate of any
shortcomings, I went overboard
with the cuddles. Now I am happy
that I did so. For one she cuddles
me back especially when she sees
that I am annoyed. She loves to
snuggle and is affectionate like a
puppy. She trusts implicitly and
has no fear of strangers although
she does take a little time to open
up to most. We did a lot of
traveling right from her age of 6
months so that she sees the world
in a larger perspective. I have
always felt that the exposures we
give to the child in the first two
years are going to be very
important in the formation of
character later on. Go out of your
way to help the child explore the
world.

Teaching the child adult

things.

On this subject I have much to

say. I find we are far too much in a
hurry to teach the children what
can be safely termed as “Adult
Behavior”.

We see our own selves mirrored in

the behavior of the child and we
want it that way; which means we
try very soon and often too early to
teach children a lot of things so
that the world at large will see us
too as cultured, high IQ and
superior people. What is the hurry?

Let the child flower at her own

pace. For example: Don’t force the
child to say thank you when she is
not feeling like it. I would admit
that it may be the right thing to do
and the child has to eventually
learn to be polite and so many
other things. But don’t push her
into it. You will only end up
creating a lot of stress which does
no one any good. I did not bother
to teach my child anything. But I
saw that she likes the Oswald
series on TV. She learnt to say
many things from these serials
which are repeated over and over
again so it was like an audio-visual
education with the added
advantage of being repeated often.
Now she says thank you on her
own. She wishes “HI” to everybody
and waves them off cheerfully.
There was absolutely no coaxing
from our side.

One of the points is speech. What a

worry it is with everybody. Again, I
ask whatever is the tearing hurry.
A child will speak when ready. Just
have the patience to listen to your
child when he begins to articulate.
The temptation to correct and
educate can be very high. From
your side continue to speak
normally. Don’t use child language
ever. It puts the child on the wrong
track. Some parents can even be a
little violent and impatient. This
pushes the child to stutter. Take it
easy.

A very good idea is to raise the

child on soft quality music. My child
loves classical music and rock n
roll. All instrumentals with a little
lilt and rhythm like Latin American
tunes fire her up and she will come
and ask me to join in dancing with
her. I have to. She does not give
me a choice. Music is good for the
child’s overall mental development.
If you want your child to develop
into a genius let her play and get
her involved in as many activities
requiring actions and manipulating
with her hands and fingers.

Commitment.

To teach your child commitment

and responsibility never threaten
or promise him things that you
cannot or have no intention to
follow through. This gives him the
signal that nothing is to be taken
seriously and that lying is part of
life. I have noticed parents telling
their children that they will leave
them behind or that the Big Bear
will come and take him away or
some such thing. This is bad.
Threats that eventually the child
realizes are empty. Making
promises that you shall buy a new
ball or that you will come back with
chocolates and promptly forget
about it all with the smug thought
that you have handled that
particular moment with aplomb are
terrible things to do to a child. His
faith is shattered and he will never
take commitment seriously.

Aren’t
Aren’t you taking me with you?

Similarly, never raise them up or

make them do everything for a
reward. Not too often at least. I
had once a small girl coming to me
for learning French. With me she
was perfect. She knew everything
and always gave the correct
answers but in the school exam
she did not do well. So in a friendly
way I asked her why she gave the
wrong reply and she replied that
her mother did not give her
anything for it. Later on I found
that her mother was giving her
rewards for everything, even small
things. That girl would do anything
for anybody against reward. Jus
imagine what this would mean in
later life.

A king is king because the

populace lets him be. So if you
want to be the master in your
family you need to pay attention
and listen to your children and
follow them. There will be fewer
recriminations now and later.

When we pre-empt others in

speech or action and try to control
them in many other million ways,
we are only exercising the primary
human tendency to regulate
everything around us. We have a
very high opinion of ourselves most
of the time until disaster strikes
then for a while we see our faults
and reflect. But for the rest of our
lives we are quite certain about our
wisdom and abilities and we even
prove it and justify ourselves by
quoting earlier “Greats & Gurus” as
if we were on par with them while
we have nothing to say from our
own fount of experience and
learning, except perhaps a few
biting words and make the world
aware of our own merits in
comparison to the demerits of the
rest of the world!

And, please, do not shout at the

child. You will only teach him to
shout back. Control venting your
irritation on your child. Kids have
to be handled with kid-gloves.
Every situation is an opportunity to
teach the child a thing or two.
Always take the attitude of
explaining and helping him to
understand the world at large and
obviously his own impulses and
reactions as well as desires that
shape our actions.

Once a French Chef was asked

what the secret of French cooking
is and he replied that the main
ingredient was butter and butter
and some more butter. Similarly
the ingredient in raising the child is
affection and more affection and
some more affection. The love
between a child and an adult is
sacred and a serious love affair and
should be treated accordingly.

Most parents use the “NO” rather

too often. In the Reader’s Digest I
once read of a lady who managed
every situation with a YES. For
instance on a request for ice cream
in winter she would say “YES” but
in the summer.
Our children are us.

Recently I noticed an advert on the

TV showing a proud man not taking
help from his children while getting
off the train. The song in the
background sings of the fact that
the head has never been lowered
and never will it be. What a sad
reflection on our values. Does
becoming friends with our children
make us into weak dependants?

This speaks volumes of our

intelligence and our attitudes. I
read this sentence in my younger
days and it has kept me on track
since: “A lot of arrogance and
nothing to be arrogant about.”
Is pride only a matter of wearing a
clean designer dress and standing
tall and not even accepting your
son’s hand in a gesture of love,
respect and regard?

Will our manliness be shadowed

and emasculated by letting our
child stand tall along with us?
Remember, we made him into
what he is today. Can’t we derive
pleasure from his persona and the
grand guy he has now become? Do
we have to be the guy in total
control and know-all! It is funny
how we think of our progeny only
as our possessions and extension
of our selves but never as friends
and shoulders to cry upon.

What the electronic media is doing

to the impressionable minds needs
to be reflected upon. The lack of
sense, reality is appalling. . Humor
is still at the village bumpkin
stage; an insult to intelligence. The
intelligence of the people making
these movies and story-lines can
be gauged by the fact that in the
40s and 50s it was fashionable to
throw barbs at Hitler, of course
with the Hitlerian mustache. This
has now become a fixed feature.
You are supposed to know that the
guy with the Hitler bush is there to
give you a comic break.

Successful people with money to

burn always have a bimbo on their
arms and drink whiskey to relax or
forget. Rape has been made into a
sport.
We are spreading ignorance and
misinformation by making story-
lines easy. And worse of all we are
giving them ideas. The number of
instances where crimes were
committed because the idea came
from a movie or a book are one too
many to ignore.

And as a last parting shot, I might

as well mention the over dressing,
over make-up, over-lighting, over-
talking, over-acting, over-doing the
colors and deafening levels of
recording and playback.
What the heck are we promoting?

NO! With Love

When I was young, in college and

still sorting out the everyday
contradictions in terms of human
relationships, one of the features of
my life was to understand the
attitude of my parents towards me.
From one angle it was clear that I
was precious to them and from
another angle, they seem to take
me for a nincompoop. At one end
of the spectrum I was supposed to
do them proud by coming up to
some standards that were never
clearly defined while at the same
time I was not supposed to show
any initiative and do what I was
told. On this point the directions
were clear: as if the parents were
saying “We are here and know
what is best for you. We are doing
the thinking for you, all that is
needed will be provided; you just
have to be a nice, sweet chubby
child, the apple of our eyes.” As if
they had never bargained for the
child to grow and assert some of
his own personality.

When this time did come, it

changed into a period of
confrontation. It became a
competition between two
diametrically opposite tendencies.
One set in their ways, afraid of
change and the other
experimenting and exploring,
feeding and thriving on change.
Eventually the situation came to a
pass where all listening came to a
stop. Every sentence of my father
began with a “NO”.
This puzzled me to no end and
unfortunately nobody was giving
me the right honest answers
either. Another of his attitudes was
that his wish and pronouncements
be carried out or taken cognizance
in the here and now. No further
discussion or questions were
permitted. Even the smallest hint
of non-compliance was taken as an
aggressive opposition.

Then one day I went to

somebody’s house and there I saw
a sticker. It showed an older
cranky looking man shouting at an
obviously younger child: “The
answer is No. Now what did you
want?” This was the beginning of
wisdom finally coming into my life.
I realized that a sticker made in
the USA, if so universal in its
character, is floating around then
certainly this attitude of my
parents which was puzzling me, is
more universally prevalent than is
honestly accepted. A little more
close observation of all the parents
around me, backed by reading The
Reader’s Digest made the answers
come tumbling into my life.

Today into my late adult life, I am

astonished to see how much this
tendency to negate and contradict
permeates life in general. As I see
it, the seeds are sown when the
child is growing into an adult and
the parents are not grasping this
fact in its entirety. They want to
protect him and shield him. In their
zeal they don’t want him to act at
all, as if this way they can protect
him from all adversity. The child on
the other hand begins first by
seething inside and then hiding his
true self and living a double life; so
to say. The parents get more and
more strongly into the denying and
the child starts even more
vehemently saying No to it. Is it
any wonder that the adult who
results is afraid that his life will be
taken over and therefore learns to
say No to everything. His
relationships are all difficult;
whatever kind it may be-
professional, amicable or amorous.
This way he gets into a perennial
“denial” mode. This perverted
character then gets passed on from
generation to generation.

Look around closely. How often do

you see people agreeing and
accepting each other and in
comparison how often we are
crossing each other out?

I remember when I was just

entering teenage; I was trying to
paint a sunset. My father’s
comment on seeing my attempts
was that I being a child should try
to paint subjects more suitable to
my age. But I kept on which upset
him and finally got what I wanted,
appreciated by others or not. In
my case the story has a happy
ending. Eventually, many years
later, I painted a canvas which
before even it was dry; my father
took it and hung it in his room.
This was appreciation of a high
order.

Fate had a hand in my upbringing.

I had the good luck to grow into an
adult far away from the restrictive
and limited scope of my home. I
had an international exposure and
had teachers who were always
listening and ready to help me find
the answers to MY questions;
without the bias of social norms
restricting our exchanges.

Yet sadly my father never got over

his habit of taking the opposite
side to any exchange of idea,
conversation or suggestion. It was
so sad. I wanted so much to
converse and share my life with
him. But he would not accept me
as anything but his child who
should in all good sense let him run
his life. He never outgrew my
childhood and this contradiction
always showed in his behavior.

The focus, I have seen is always on

the parents. It is “Their” child as it
was a piece of baggage on this
journey of life. “They” know best
what is good and bad for the child
– how was this ever presumed?
“They are doing their best –
whatever that means! Most parents
will argue that they are doing a
very good job under the
circumstances which is precisely
the point I am making. Why bring
a child into this world if the
circumstances are not conducive?
There is always hope of a brighter
future but by then it is too late for
the child. Why cannot it be
accepted that like any other “thing”
in the world, we can’t have
everything we want? We should
strive but wait for the conditions to
be right and then alone bring forth
a child.
Does not the child have a right to be NOT
born?

Now please don’t tell me that a

child is not a “thing” – an object. A
cursory look around will show that
is exactly how we think of a child.
“HE/SHE” is an extension of the
parent’s self, an object of desire
and at best, insurance for the later
years.

Come on lets go for a walk.

I have seen this attitude surface in

my own life through both my
parents. Once when I got into
trouble in my teens, I decided to
confide in my father’s elder brother
who was more kindly disposed;
who then brought my father into
the picture. My father’s reaction
was simple: as expected he did not
want to know about my troubles
but what troubled him was “How
dare you bother my relatives with
your troubles?” The “I, Me, Mine”
always came first. In a similar
instance my mother berated me
that “You can’t talk to MY relatives
like that” when I said something to
my maternal uncle and aunt. And
this is from parent’s who were
coming from families of wealth and
education. Just because a parent
feels they are doing a good job
does not mean that they are not
leaving a trail of complexes,
prejudices, negative experiences
and habits firmly embedded in the
child’s subconscious psyche which
will color his life for ever. To this
maybe added sickness resulting
from ignorance of nature’s ways
etc

Many parents argue that they are

doing a satisfactory job on the
basis of the fact that the child
loves them. This can be a very
blinkered view and is pointless as
all children will love and return
affection ten-fold as matter of
course because that is in their
primary nature. It is only later as
adults that displeasure and long
term affectations come into play
and create havoc in their lives and
of those connected to them.
So I come to my basic premise.
THE CHILD HAS RIGHTS TOO. The
child has a right to NOT to be
brought into this world which is
obviously and visually not
adequately ready to bring it up!

How did you manage without me, I

wonder.

Let’s not forget that the theory or

belief in passing of our "samskars"
(passing on of family character
traits and karma) is not new to us
and Freud/Jung is not to be taken
lightly either. Suicides due to peer
pressure, crowds of
uneducated/unemployables,
abandoned children, physically
abused kids, psychologically
stunted kids and spoilt brats are
proof of what I am trying to bring
into focus.

There are so many cases where I

have seen a gifted child being
brow-beaten into an average bum
just because the parent’s did not
know how to help the child realize
its full potential. The schooling on
which most parents depend upon is
no better than useless.

It is very sad that leave alone the

aim of forging new paths, the
majority is not even prepared to
take responsibility of their
everyday irritants. One day I
visited my niece whose daughter
was not very well but the niece did
not seem to be overtly perturbed. I
felt that something was being
overlooked there so I asked her
what she was doing to treat her.
Her reply was matter of fact – I
have taken her to the best
pediatrician, what more can I do?
Many may agree with her attitude
in today’s world, but I found the
nonchalance disturbing. What I
gathered from her demeanor was
that it was the doctor’s
responsibility or the hospital if
necessary. Her duty done, she
could take it easy.

The way to imbibe creativity, focus

and a sense of purpose in people
needs to begin early in childhood.
They have to be inculcated with
habits that will make them
uncomfortable otherwise. In
childhood we were taught chess to
learn to plan, concentrate and
focus but more importantly the
need to put the coins back in the
box and put back the chess board
and pieces back in the cupboard
because other students may want
to play and they should be able to
find it in its appointed place. We
were also encouraged to study
chess problems/books and find
ways and means to win. Carpentry
was taught to us but more than
making us craftsmen, the lesson
that was continuously being
hammered in was the respect for
the tools as prized possessions and
to work in a way that we do not
endanger or disturb others. The
uncompromising attitude of my
teachers always with their eyes on
excellence on this score was
absolute and today I realize the
value of it.

These habits when they become

deeply a part of a person’s psyche
and their second nature will ensure
that anything they take up, they
will be making a success of it and
will come out on top as leaders and
a balanced personalities that
others will look up to.

The future of our children:

My experience when trying to help

the less educated has been rather
depressing. There is a resistance to
change that creeps in even with
the first sentence exchanged.
When this is coupled with our
tendency to take short-cuts and
soft options, we push ourselves
into a hole and then pine and
mope. Let me just enunciate some
points:
- Refusal to see the misery we are
propagating by having more and
more children even when our own
cupboards are empty. We see
children only as eventual insurance
for old age. How the child will be
fed and educated for the next 20
years is not taken into calculation.
- Our socio economic environment
is such that it spoils the boy child
and burdens the girl. Most often it
is the girls who keep the household
provided for while the boys become
loafers.
- Lack of proper nutrition results in
stunted growth; both in the visible
state of the body and worse in the
internal organs that we do not see.
- Lack of stimulation and exposure
results in visionless and aimless
youngsters without mental
development even of the basic
kind. The underdevelopment of the
brain is a reality. Their ability to
learn and improve themselves is
totally lacking.
- By association the only trade they
ever learn in their "learning" period
is the one from their father. They
have no other recourse but to
follow the trade.
- Their lack of “savoir faire” means
they have to work for middlemen
who are earning handsomely even
in this shrinking market. Had these
artisans spent some time planning
their own education and future,
things would be quite different.
- Before you know what, the
children are married off and some
more children, "Gift of God" appear
to feed and care for which the
necessities are simply non existent.
- The dreams sold by our celluloid
world and now by the TV, giving a
totally wrong impression about the
realities of life. Instead of showing
the way, it is emotionalizing
everything and leaving it there.
Most of the Indian population is
learning from these and patterning
their lives wholly on the perverted
nonsense they see through the
medium of films and soaps on TV.
- There is nobody to guide them or
show the way. Especially the
different norms and practices of
different social classes and so they
remain unaccepted by their peers
and ignorant of business practices.
- The art and artists merit all the
help possible but not as doles.
Let’s record it all for posterity and
let Institutions like the Victoria
Institute of Chennai keep the art
alive.
- The Government can only play a
limited role. We have to take
responsibility for our own lives.

What are we telling them?

Our wisdom has some weird ways

to show itself. The scenarios being
given below are founded on reality.

Take this scene: A three year old is

seeing that when father comes
home he is given a glass of water
first thing. So next time he opens
the door to his father, his first
reaction is to run into the kitchen
and pick up the first appropriate
vessel he finds, fills it with water
from any source he can reach and
goes to offer the same to his
father. If he is alone, hopefully
there will be nobody to stop him
and hopefully if the father is a kind
and wise man, he will gladly accept
the water.

The other scenario is unfortunately

more likely. The child is bound be
seen and the first reaction of some
adult would be to stop him in his
track. With words to the effect
telling him that he will make a
mess although he has not done
anything of the kind yet. Many
apprehensions will surface because
for all one knows he has dirtied
many other vessels with his
unclean hands or picked up a dirty
one and of course the water is
undrinkable being from the wrong
source; etc, etc. All this with a
thunder and stormy effect as if the
sky has fallen and accompanied by
a loud shout of warning. The poor
kid gets bawled off for no apparent
reason that he can remotely
understand and all that will register
in him is that he has done
something unacceptable. His good-
will gesture becomes a disaster
scene for him. He has been
thoroughly scared and upset. One
thing that has been very succinctly
made clear to him is that: (a) He
has no rights and he will always
wonder if he belongs there, (b)
Taking initiative is bad, (c) Nobody
appreciates him, (d) He is totally
inept; and so on so forth in the
same train.

The child has in this scenario

received the gift of a very negative
self-picture and an even more
negative world, which is reinforced
every now and then with similar
situations and this may go on for
the rest of his waking days.

Then will come the day when he

will grow up and he will be
expected to take charge and prove
himself to be one of the elite!
Rather incongruous, don’t you
think?

Take this second scene: A young

lady of some merit has landed a
job as a teacher. It is a new life for
her and the new environment is
somewhat daunting although not
impossible. She has some good
reports even to her credit but all is
not smooth sailing with her
colleagues. She has really never
been exposed to the outer world
and this blunt world can be
mystifying. She comes home and
has a lot to say on the subject of
clashing egos and her grumbles.

This tickling business is not fair.

The mother responds with the sage

advice that she should leave the
job with immediate effect. The
message that has been in reality
conveyed is: (a) Stay at home with
us, (b) Snobbism is acceptable, (c)
Effort is painful, (d) Compromises
are demeaning, (e) Stay within the
known comfort zone.

This is hardly the way to ready

one’s progeny for an independent
life later on; especially when
marriage is not far off. The mother
is sowing seeds that encourage
weakness of spirit spiced with self-
centeredness, which will only bring
pain to her daughter. But in this
topsy-turvy life it would be called
doing well and standing by their
children!

A last incidence to give more

meaning to the subject in question:
A young boy of seven is very
friendly with his neighbor who is a
smart guy going about on a
motorcycle, the very epitome of
what a young boy dreams of being.
It is winter and he evinces a great
wish for a pair of gloves. The
neighbor agrees to buy him a pair
if he would clean his bike every
morning. The boy is in seventh
heaven and gets started right
away. But his mother hears about
it and right away a thunderous
situation develops. The mother is
absolutely against the idea that her
son, the apple of her high born
Brahmin eyes, should be wiping off
the dust on bikes like a menial.
THE VERY IDEA! “What” says she,
“do we lack? I’ll buy you all the
gloves. What do you have to worry
about as long as we are there? The
neighbor is a monster!” The child is
hurt. The neighbor is shocked. The
point has been made. Father Time
has now shown: (a) the mother is
no more, (b) the son is incapable
of sitting down in one place for
long enough to make a career for
him-self, (c) the wife he has been
lugged with is beyond his
understanding to manage, (d) now
the son is into stealing and
cheating.

I would have thought it is easy to

love and the sheer joy in the eyes
of a child would melt the toughest
heart. Till the age of two the child
is treated as a soft toy and all the
affection we are capable of is given
to it. I suppose the problem begins
after this stage. The ever growing
child starts becoming independent
and this is where we are unable to
reconcile ourselves. We saw it as a
baby under our total care and we
wish to continue seeing it this way.
We have to steel ourselves to grow
with the situation and allow the
child to grow in his own God-given
parameters.

The truth is no one even thinks of

this as a situation. Every individual
sees himself as perfect and
introspection is hardly the forte of
human beings. Righteousness
mixed with judgmental attitudes
and the law-given rights of the
parents permitting absolute control
over the child blinds us to the
relative personalities that we all
have. I wonder in how many
people the thought even remotely
creates a shadow of doubt that we
may be wrong and the child is not
an extension of ourselves. When
we are dealing with a child, why do
we let go of all self-restraints? In
extreme cases parents have known
to indulge in monstrous acts and
when confronted they have always
justified themselves. How come
they do not see the suffering they
are causing?

I have noticed this phenomena in

other better provided families too.
As a teacher I have seen that
bright spark go out by the time a
child reaches class 8 or so. The
keen and enquiring character of
the child gets taken over by a
tendency more in the nature of
calculating and manipulating. The
desire to excel gets superimposed
by the mundane. What happened?
Where is the lacuna in our
upbringing and educating that fine,
bright, wide eyed, curiosity filled
and intelligent children turn into
people so much lesser than their
possibilities?

My own way of seeing is that,

adults make life so difficult for the
child that the child soon learns to
do everything to please the elders.
This conditioning is total. An
element of insincerity enters into
the character which becomes one
of the strongest traits. Soon life
becomes a clash of wills between
the child and his elders.
I remember a sticker, I saw when
younger. It showed an angry
looking father saying to his child-
“The answer is NO. Now what did
you want?” Do we really leave any
choices to the child?

The conditioning begins to take

hold in the very early formative
stages. The minds are badgered
into submission as taught in our
societies to think not, speak not,
show no initiative but simply do as
they are told and learn by rote
whatever the teachers tell them.
All expressions of curiosity and
activities of exploration and
experimentation so studiously
discouraged earlier, now form their
personality. Even the best
intentioned parent is unable to let
go. Any vestige of individuality is
systematically squeezed out of
them. How often have you noticed
that when you ask a question of
the child, it is the parent who
answers? The fine connection
between the conscious thinking
brain and new experiences that
results into “thinking” and
consciously growing human being
is snuffed out of existence.
We need to teach them to think for
themselves and NOT tell them
what to think.

Oye. Are you coming?

We forget that children are given

to us for bringing up and not as
possessions. Of course as babies
they need total dedication and
care. But how can we forget that
as they grow they are also
becoming persons in their own
right? These poor unfortunates
have had their memory and
learning boxes virtually removed
almost as if surgically. These are
supposed to be the fine young men
and women we are helping out to
mature and grow up as the adults
of tomorrow.

Eventually life will make them

acutely aware of their limitations
but what can be done? It’s too late
to start all over again. The mental
make up is strongly in place and
the demands of life leave no space.
Emotional immaturity will only be
adding to the woes. What we have
brought up is a confused and
unsure adult with an unrealistic
ego. The parents will eventually
realize this truth sometime well in
their old age when the habits and
attitudes that they have instilled in
their wards come to haunt them in
their own lives. The circle is then
complete and pain is everywhere.
Even if these people wanted, they
would not know how to get out of
this impasse. It is no wonder that
so many are landing up on the
psychiatrist’s couch. The good
natured ones bumble along and the
ones with a strong “amour-propre”
take refuge in forever justifying
themselves, rationalizing and on
the defensive if not outright
arguing whenever there is any
need for the brain to make an
effort at listening and learning.
What is to be expected of them?
Not much.
Education and Real life.

Life is getting complicated.

Interactions are getting more
international, fast and furious. Yet
our syllabi of life’s values,
especially what we teach our young
ones, still remains tinged with the
ethos of the 19th century. Just look
at our moral education. What are
we drumming into our wards under
the consideration of morals? Is it
really what they would be seeing
around them? Today our wards,
right from a young age are
exposed to behavior patterns on
the TV and real life around them
which can be safely said leaves
nothing to the imagination. Nothing
really matches the education with
what they see. Is it surprising that
young people have only a very
confused sense of what is right
wrong and correct or incorrect?

Parents and educationists are not

leading by example and this is very
confusing. For every question the
child has, millions of possible
answers crop around him.
To party, to party.

Without personal experience to

back this plethora of unexplainable
and sometimes terribly
contradictory scenes, the child
remains in a state of utter
melodramatic puzzlement. And, of
course, when he asks his elders
some very pointed questions, the
elders who are still mentally locked
up in their Victorian castles; give
disjointed and embarrassed
answers that only go to increase
the child’s consternation.
For example we teach our children
to speak the truth and back it up
with sayings like “God is Truth” but
in practice we rarely show signs of
it. Often we even forget that a
child is around us and our acts
belie our own teachings. When the
child is young, the parents are the
world in microcosm to the child. He
believes in them. Yet ask any child
who has traveled in the car with
his parents and has ever been
stopped by a cop for speeding or
jumping a red light; what would he
relate as to the exchange between
his parents and the cop? He would
tell you that the parents
immediately began to explain
themselves to the cop giving
excuses and explanations which
were outright fibs. In these kinds
of situations, many children tend to
correct their parents by blurting
out the truth and only get their
ears boxed for their effort. So what
are we finally teaching the children
after all?
Why make the child pay for it?

Have you read my write-up on

“Why a child”? In this I raised the
points that there is too much
freedom to have sex and behaving
irresponsibly by having children but
not preparing oneself for them
either psychologically, financially or
intellectually. In response I got
some replies which are worth
sharing.

One reader said “Your post here is

judgmental, depressing and as a
single mother, I've taken quite an
offense to it.” She goes further and
relates her own experience which I
give here in her own words “But
life isn't always perfect or goes as
planned. To generalize and to
imply that anyone who is not in the
ideal scenario would be best to not
have children or that they can't do
a good job simply isn't fair. . I was
engaged to be married and three
months before the intended
wedding, we got pregnant. He
didn't want me to have the baby
and when I refused to terminate
the pregnancy, he "postponed" the
wedding and eventually left when I
was 7 months pregnant. Things
aren't always perfect. I don't
always have as much time or
money that I would like to provide
for my son because I sometimes
struggle with doing it all on my
own. But he knows he is loved and
I thank God for him every day.”

This was my reply: You are doing a

better job than millions who just
have babies and throw them on the
streets/gutters/to the wolves. Does
not mean the scenario I have
painted does not exist or should
not be discussed. We are trying to
make people conscious of the
facts. Basically which is that once
you have a child, you HAVE to take
its responsibility too. That I have
said the right things is proven by
the behavior of your child's father.

Another comment that attracts our

attention is given here: “And in
my view, most of the time ...a
mother has to abandon her child as
mentioned by Pradeep...it is due to
the unbearable cruelty of
MEN...who are of the self assumed
opinion that just because it is the
woman who is bearing a child...it is
none of their responsibility.” The
truth is both are equally
responsible or irresponsible. It has
always been my contention that
the educated and free classes of
people who have sex for fun and
pleasure can at least be a little
more mature in their attitude.
Women are indeed subjected to
sexual violence and have to bear
with many things. Children out of
forced sex are a very painful
evidence of the animality of man.
But it is also true that women are
fully conscious of their own
sexuality and what attraction value
it has for the male and they use it
willingly to snare men into a
relationship and commitment or fall
for the wiles and false promises
that men dangle as a lure.

The point to note is that the Male

of the species tends to gravitate
towards anything that is Female
and is programmed by instinct &
our so called society to think of it
as the ultimate aim of life and
contentment+ add to this the
primary objective to just find a
partner for sex with no intention of
keeping his promises or
commitment. If he can get away
with it, why should he not is at the
back of every male’s mind.
The need of every man to have a
female partner to complete the life
cycle is without doubt
overpowering and the lure of sex is
too strong for most to resist. The
female understands this very well
and is not averse to use it for her
own benefit and often gets trapped
into a dicey situation of her own
making. The female on the other
hand mistakes the passionate
attachment of a man to be
permanent and that she can count
on him to stick to her forever (I
would go to the extent of saying
that she mistakenly feels that she
will be able to control him forever)
- and here what I have to say
becomes hurtful- she then starts
taking him for granted, even goes
to the extent of becoming
unbearable, insisting on having her
way and even imposing her way
etc.
This explains why some couples
who were happy as lived-in ones
for years, could not stand each
other when they got married and
separated before the year was out.
Violence is another painful reality;
Men tend to by physical and
women verbal. When they are out
to hurt each other there is very
little that can be done to make
them understand or see reason.

Both the sexes can be violent and

vengeful; men more so bluntly and
women a little more intelligently.
Take for instance the attitude of
sulking; this can be very annoying
to a man. Either not talking or
going to the extreme of not
stopping when started can be very
difficult for men to understand. On
the other hand the detachment
men show when their sexual needs
are satisfied is puzzling to women.
So violence seeps in and eventually
separation; of course if economical,
social and legal situation
permitting. In the final analysis, it
is the children who pay for it. Their
lives are traumatized and they are
definitely scarred psychologically
and often things can be worse:
quite many are abused physically
and violently. Why? With all the
devices now available to avoid
pregnancies why are we visiting
our animalistic tendencies on
helpless children? I say – have
your fun and go. Why bring
children into the equation at all?

Live in peace and when the

time comes, leave the world -
in peace!