May 2013

MAY 1ST - DOMINICAN LABOUR DAY MAY 5TH - CINCO DE MAYO MAY 12TH - HAPPY MOTHERS DAY (N. AMER.) MAY 30TH - CORPUS CRISTI DAY
What To Do This Month Useful Telephone Numbers Classified Ads Cable Channel Listing Definitely Not the News The Rainy Day Page And Lots Of Other Fun Stuff!!

EDENORTE HIRES NEW LINESMEN!

It seems financial difficulties have prevented Edenorte from being able to afford ladders or other climbing equipment for their linesmen. So theyve apparently hired family members of the Flying Wallendas to perform necessary line work. Its all part of day in the D.R. - getting your electricity repaired and a high wire daredevil stunt act all at the same time!

Yennys Market Catamaran Beach Bar Biekes Bar Happy Hippo El Carey Syls Place Harley y Rock Buddies Bar Costambar Community Center & Library Supermercado Tropical Big Lees Beach Bar Restaurant Chino The Meeting Place Puerto Plata Beach Resort Los Charros Ocean World Marina Los Tres Cocos

SNAUGHLING Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed!

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market & liquor store. Plans for this year include a casino, movie theatre, piano bar, live music & more! Syls Place always has a great food & fun! Mondays - dinner & a movie! Tuesdays - darts! Wednesday - closed. Thursday - Quiz! Check the board for other daily dinner specials! All their great food can be delivered for free in Costambar! They also have satellite radio with some great oldies stations! Kevin & Patricia invite you to El Carey Restaurant - where you can enjoy the beach your way!! You can enjoy great food & drinks inside, in their garden or under parasols on the beach. They have Dominican food, burgers, pizza & more. The house specialty is garlic shrimp and you should try Kevins Mama Juana and pia coladas! Theyve got lots happening! They now offer 2 hours of Happy Hour from 6-8pm with 2X1 cuba/santo libres! And every Sunday at 2pm is Karaoke with party maker Segundo! Try their new empanadas! Or treat yourself to Garlic Lobster tails with a glass of wine for only RD$700! Closed from May 6th until May 11th. They would love to host your next event. Harley y Rock offers real Italian pizza & pastas with the best prices on the North Coast! Get a medium pepperoni pizza for only RD$225! Or shrimp spaghetti for only RD$250! Los Charros has authentic Mexican cuisine, popular Tex-Mex choices and local island fare. Now offering a great new wine selection! Newly opened Buddies Bar has great food, great music and great times. Play billiards every day. Karaoke every Friday night! Daily & weekly specials! Check them out!

Los Tres Cocos in Las Rocas invites you to try something different. Fine dining at its best! Call 809-993-4503 for details. At The Catamaran on Costambar Beach youll find great food at great prices enjoyed with a million dollar view! Every day they have Power Hour with 3X1 cuba libres from 6-7pm. NOW A WIFI ZONE!!! They also hold a monthly Flea Market on the last Saturday of every month beginning at 10am. No cost to vendors! Restaurant Chino has the best Chinese food on the North Coast! Eat in or take out. Two locations - on the Malecon in Puerto Plata and calle Principal in Cabarete. This month they will be open Tuesday April 2nd & 9th. The Meeting Place starts their summer hours this month. Check their website for news on any happenings. Big Lees Beach Bar on the Malecon has great fantastic food at affordable prices! Amazing Fish & Chips, big juicy burgers and yummy sandwiches. Every Tuesday, Thursday AND Saturday enjoy a cuba/santo libre for only RD$50 or Jose Cuervo for only RD$100 and every Friday is Cheap Beer Day Grande Presidente RD$90 & Bohemia RD$80!! Great food served all day until 8pm! Biekes Bar - the first bar in & the last bar out of Costambar! Drop by Saturdays for Costambars Best Burger! Check out the blackboards for brunch and evening food specials during the week! The Happy Hippo & Pedros Kitchen offer great food & great fun! Start your morning with Hills new smoothies, fresh juices & yoghurts! And then on May 5th starting at 3pm help Hill celebrate her birthday and enjoy live music with Ali Tupac and his full band! Pedro has a special menu every day! Eat in or take out! Puerto Plata Beach Club is the new hangout for expats & upper class locals! Theres a bar, spa, cafeteria, Italian Pizza & Pasta to go, a mini-

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On the Malecon in Puerto Plata Open Everyday by 10am

Half RD$200 - Full RD$300

FISH & CHIPS -

HAMBURGERS AND FRIES 1/4 lb. RD$150, 1/2 lb. RD$250

RD$70

HOT DOGS:

-- SANDWICHES: RD$50-130

SERVING GREAT FOOD ALL DAY UNTIL 8PM

Every Tuesday Thursday & Saturday
CUBA/SANTA LIBRES RD$50
Made with Brugal Anejo or Blanco

JOSE CUERV0 RD$100

CHEAP BEER DAY!!! Presidente RD$90 Bohemia RD$80

Every Friday

IN THE CM OFFICES!

(THIS PRINTER IS NOW NAMED BOB MARLEY BECAUSE IT IS ALWAYS JAMMIN!!)

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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know.

Restaurant Chino
Best Chinese Food On the North Coast! Two Great Locations! Eat In or Takeout!
Xiang Wan Jia Plaza Neptuno, Malecon, Puerto Plata 809-261-5609 Calle Principal, Cabarete 809-571-0385

COME FOR THE GREAT FOOD AT GREAT PRICES AND THE MILLION DOLLAR VIEW!

NOW A WIFI ZONE!!!!!

EVERY LAST SATURDAY OF THE MONTH Starting at 10am FREE TO VENDORS!

FLEA MARKET!!!

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THE OFFICIAL SHOE OF THE NORTH COAST!

809-848-9009

TUESDAYS Darts! WEDNESDAYS Closed THURSDAYS Quiz!

CHECK OUR BOARD FOR DAILY SPECIALS! FREE DELIVERY IN COSTAMBAR!

INTERNATIONAL GOURMET CUISINE & AUSTRIAN SPECIALTIES

MEDIUM PEPPERONI PIZZA Calle Reyna Isabel #1 RD$225!!! Costambar Puerto Plata, Rep. Dom. SHRIMP ON THE BEACH! SPAGHETTI 809-855-2627 RD$250!!

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK! I can't park the f*ing car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!

REAL ITALIAN PIZZA AND PASTAS WITH THE BEST PRICES ON THE NORTH COAST!!
Open 11am-3pm and 6pm-12am Closed Monday

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my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to flattery. her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: newspaper thanks him most sincerely. 1-- To make an appointment to see me. Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque 2-- To query a missing payment. with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds sleeping. 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the attending to nature. automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a for debiting my account 30 by way of penalty for password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated at a later date to the inconvenience caused to your bank. the Authorized Contact.) My thankfulness springs from the manner in 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to which this incident has caused me to rethink my options 1 through 8 errant financial ways. 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the I noticed that whereas I personally attend to contact will then be put on hold, pending the your telephone calls and letters, when I try to attention of my automated answering service. contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity, which wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I My mortgage and loan payments will therefore must also levy an establishment fee to cover the and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will setting up of this new arrangement. arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less personally and confidentially to an employee at prosperous, New Year. your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act Your Humble Client for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities' must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access

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HOW TO MAKE SYMBOLS WITH KEYBOARD Alt + 0153..... ... trademark symbol Alt + 0169.... .... copyright symbol Alt + 0174..... ....registered trademark symbol Alt + 0176 .........degree symbol Alt + 0177 .......plus-or -minus sign Alt + 0182 ........paragraph mark Alt + 0190 .......fraction, three-fourths Alt + 0215 .........multiplication sign Alt + 0162.......the cent sign Alt + 0161.......... .upside down exclamation point Alt + 0191.......... upside down question mark Alt+1...........smileyface Alt+2...........blacksmileyface Alt+15..........sun Alt+12...........femalesign Alt+11...........malesign Alt+6............spade Alt+5.............Club Alt+3.............Heart Alt+4.............Diamond Alt+13...........eighthnote Alt+14............beamedeighthnote Alt+8721........Narysummation(autosum) Alt+251..........squarerootcheckmark Alt+8236..........infinity Alt+24............uparrow Alt+25............downarrow Alt+26..........rghtarrow Alt+27...........leftarrow Alt+18...........up/downarrow Alt+29.........leftrightarrow

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WELCOME TO KEVIN & PATRICIAS EL CAREY Where you can enjoy the beach your way!
2 HAPPY HOURs EVERY DAY 6-8pm!
2X1 Cuba/Santo Libres

EVERY SUNDAY 2pm!

KARAOKE with party maker Segundo

GARLIC LOBSTER TAILS WITH GLASS OF WINE ONLY RD$700

CLOSED MAY 6th TO MAY 11th

SCOTTISH COMPASSION A man on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'huv ye ever been screwed, son?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No". She said, "Aye, well ye wull be when the tide comes in."
OPEN FROM 12 NOON CLOSED SUNDAYS SATURDAYS BIEKE BURGERS!! CHECK OUR BOARD FOR FOOD SPECIALS!

Try Kevins Mama Juana & Pina Coladas!

Also available for parties, weddings, etc.
Calle Reina Isabel, Costambar, Puerto Plata Spanish 809-918-1448 English 809-924-8233 CLOSED MONDAYS

Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as PINOT MORE

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her: "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" Yes, she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes ........they're having a yard sale. "

Costambar Monthly page 9

CLEAR FIBERGLASS 7 GALLON PROPANE CYLINDER TANK 24 TALL & 12 DIAMETER

Tanks & valves are brand new Made in the USA Always know how much gas you get or have left! Lightweight & rustproof!
ONLY RD$2500 CALL COLIN AT 809-449-1819

CHARTS AVAILABLE
Get your nautical charts of the Bahamas, Turks and Caicos Islands, Providenciales and Hispaniola From Rosa at Luperon Swap Meet Wendys Bar in Luperon Ocean World Marina in Cofresi

BOAT NAME OF THE MONTH!

If you have difficulty call Colin at 809-449-1819

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SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 12
SUDOKU PUZZLES Fill in the missing numbers so every row, column and quadrant contains the number 1 through 9.

CHOCOLATE
Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining letters spell a hidden message

AMAZED AMERICAN PIE BACK AT ONE BACK HERE BAG LADY BE WITH YOU BEAUTIFUL DAY BENT BREATHE BROADWAY BYE BYE BYE

CALIFORNICATION DESERT ROSE FADED GIRL ON TV HIGHER HOT BOYZ I LIKE IT I NEED YOU I TRY I WANNA KNOW I WISH

INCOMPLETE JUMPIN JUMPIN' KRYPTONITE LUCKY MARIA MARIA MEET VIRGINIA MINORITY MOST GIRLS MUSIC NO MORE OTHERSIDE

PINCH ME SAY MY NAME SEPARATED SHE BANGS SMOOTH STAN STRONGER THERE YOU GO TRY AGAIN WIFEY WONDERFUL

Across 1. Perspicacious 5. Inactivity 6. Idiom 7. Voter Down 1. Scam 2. Foreword 3. Adjure 4. Quisling

Costambar Monthly page 11

TEL: 809-970-7194
12 22 28 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 40 42 43 44 46 49 CNN FOX ABC NBC CBS TBS CNBC ESPN-1 WGN CDN TNT USA ESPN-2 DISCOVERY DISNEY HBO SPORT BOOMERANG 51 56 57 64 66 70 71 72 74 79 80 81 83 84 85 CINE SPEED ANIMAL PLANET SCI-FI FOOD WEATHER CINEMAX SHOWTIME STARZ NASA JETIX CARTOON TNT LA HISTORY THE FILM ZONE CANAL

69 DISCOVERY KIDS

Police Office Police Car APC Office APC Gate Security Codetel Edenorte - emergency Edenorte - office Costambar Taxi Stand Canada Britain U.S.A. German Italian Clinica Bournigal Clinica Brugal Los Tropicos Pharmacy

809-320-8510 809-320-8840 809-970-7877 809-970-7015 809-220-1111 809-261-1844 809-586-9823 809-970-7318 809-586-5761 809-586-4244 809-586-4204 809-586-6995 809-320-7601 809-586-2342 809-586-2519 809-970-7607

WANT TO CHANGE SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE? RAMILIFE PROGRAM WAY TO INNER HAPPINESS & HEALTH
Info: 809-710-1221 www.ramilife.com
(read the guestbook)

Costambar Monthly page 12

FINALLY! A VEHICLE THAT WILL HANDLE DOMINICAN POTHOLES!

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes on the train. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough, leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

BEGINNER

INTERMEDIATE

HIDDEN MESSAGE
Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely

Costambar Monthly page 13

Massage: Relax, Reduction, Deep Tissue, Facial Massage, Reflexology, Acupressure, & Hot Stone Physical Therapy, Paraffin Treatment & Lymphatic Drainage Manicure & Pedicure: Regular & Intensive Braids & Hair Extensions & Mens Haircuts Facials, Waxing , Peeling, Hydration & Nurse Services Natural Health & Beauty Products
ASK ABOUT OUR SPECIALS. Open Mon-Sat from 9:00am / Sundays by appointment Service to the home. Transportation available. #14 Penon St, Costambar Tel: 809-970-7522 Cell: 809-993-2944

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. "Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked. "No," I said. She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No," I said, intrigued. "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage...
calle Camino Real #28 2nd Floor Puerto Plata Tel: 809-586-1707 Cell: 809-903-6457
Post Graduate, Biomedical Research S.L., Spain

RD$1230 Includes Dental RD$1480 with Drugs

Aquacero, Malecon, Puerto Plata 5pm Biekes Bar, Costambar 6:30pm Or call Petra & Marcel Bahr 1-809-885-2155

Full Range of Dental Services Dental Implants * Teeth Whitening * Orthodonitics Preventative & Cosmetic Dental Services
Free Estimates! Reasonable Prices! All Insurances Accepted! English Spoken! Free Parking DJimenez Store! Open Mon-Fri 8am-7pm & Sat 8am-12pm

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SOUND RENTAL

Karaoke Tropical PLUMBER OF THE MONTH AWARD!

For Any Event Of Your Choice With Animation in English, Spanish, German and French Lyrics in 7 Languages International Music, Videos and DVDs

809-204-4172 Email dj.marilyne_karaoke_tropical@hotmail.com

OPEN DAILY (INCLUDING HOLIDAYS) Mon-Sat 8am-10pm Sundays 8am-8pm Everything you need from snacks to supper! Delivery Service Available! Calle Principal, Costambar (just inside the gate) 809-970-3028

WE FOUND THE ORIGINAL PORCELAIN THRONE!

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CMS DEFINITELY NOT THE NEWS!

Because rumour, gossip, hearsay and anecdotes are just sooo much more fun!
Welcome to a new feature were going to test drive! Its basically going to be tidbits about life here on the North Coast. Things that affect us. Things that amuse us. Things that annoy us. None of it is hard core journalism. Its what weve heard, seen and experienced. Feel free to email us at costambarmonthly@yahoo.ca with updates, clarifications, corrections or whatever. And keep in mind - we are not claiming that this is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Its just a glimpse of whats happening and sometimes a bit of fun! Dont take it too seriously! THERES AN APP FOR THAT! So as we all know Ayuntamiento Puerto Plata (APP) is now collecting Costambars garbage. And last month we all got outrageous bills for this service. Outrageous enough to incite normally tranquilo folks to call for civil disobedience! No problema, they said. It was all an administrative error, ignore them and the next bills would reflect the correct amounts. Well, the next bill is here and not only are they for the same outrageous amounts but come with a letter telling you havent paid the first outrageous amount. The letter also proudly brags about the new offices theyve opened to modernize & improve customer service & billing! Pour yourself a drink folks - this could be a long process! There is (being Costambar) varying opinions on whether this is a good thing or not. The great thing about this on the other hand is that now garbage is collected everywhere in Costambar on a set schedule of Monday & Thursday starting at about 6:30am. DANCING IN THE DARK! The power has gotten progressively worse on the North Coast. Generating stations havent been paid and a lot went offline. Edenorte advised that power everywhere including 24 hour zones would be bad. Cant be sure about that but gotta say that Costambar is listed as a B rated zone and can suffer as much as 12 hours or more off in a day - often in a row! According to the Edenorte site (http://www.edenorte.com.do/atencion-alcliente/interrupciones-programadas/) our normal weekday outtage should be 11am-5pm. Thats optimistic these days! Weekends are typically two 3 hour outtages - one morning & one evening. Again, optimistic. Dominican Today reports that the government has paid about half of the outstanding account and that the power situation should improve. Well say it one more time - OPTIMISTIC!

KNIT ONE, CABLE ZERO! While we all know that if the power goes off the cable CM FAQ will go off for a little while until their backup systems Why dont you publish in Spanish/other languages as kick in. And if the power is off for a lengthy time the well? cable will likely eventually go off completely. Lately, We do get asked this a lot. Our first intention when we are back to those wonderful blue boxes coming up doing English only was to avoid something we found over the screen quite regularly. And, an added feature annoying. When you pick up a publication that - about 1 oclock every day several channels power includes several languages and you have to sift down for anywhere from an hour to all afternoon. through a lot of content to find what you want. And yes, we still lose channels regularly. We are down But also, while Ive been here a looooong time and my to one English language movie channel. But the fun conversational Spanish aint too shabby I dont trust part is what the missing channels get replaced with! my written Spanish or that if I entrusted it to Honestly, for a while one of the networks was someone else that I could tell if the actual meaning & replaced with what seemed to be the 24 hour Hair gist were captured. Club for Men channel! And finally, the only place I really enjoy seeing On the bright side, our cable company can really something poorly translated is on a Chinese menu prevent you from becoming a couch potato! now thats funny!

Costambar Monthly page 16

VIVERO MAIMON
GREEN THUMB
Landscaping and Gardening Maintenance Services
Palms, Flowering and Foliage Plants BEST PRICES ON THE NORTH COAST!!!
George Roesch 809-543-8041
OPEN Monday to Friday 8am-5pm Saturday 8am-noon

Km 11 Carretera PP-Imbert Just past The Fish Places

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

Costambar Monthly page 17 FOR SALE 3 Solar panels 1 x 12 volt 65-80watt Broken/repairable (cracked glass) fully functional, 2 x 6 volt 1 Broken/repairable (cracked glass) fully functional 90 USD the Three. Prototype Solar/Wind charge controller, fully functional, 12/24 volt 100 amp 90 USD 1 Inverter PURE SINEWAVE 24 volt 2000/4000 watt voltage regulator integrated 1 year old 18,000 pesos. 1 electric wing mirror for L200, 1500 pesos. 2 x Ikea silver LED bedside/ office lamps 30 Usd each. Telephone 809 970 32 87 or 809 639 9393.

CLASSIFIEDS
FOR SALE Assorted packaging materials. Cheap. Call 809-244-4432 FOR SALE Movie projector system for movie screen size RD$12000. Pfaff sewing machine, heavy duty, needs repair RD$5000. 2 flat screens RD$1000. Printer RD$1000. Keyboard RD$500. DVD players, need repair RD$200each. Amplifier, needs repair RD$200.Radio antennae RD$50. Yagie satellite antennae RD$500. Ziar satellite system RD2000. Raycor oil filters RD$200each.Motorcycle helmets RD$250each. Yamaha Enduro outboard motor, low hours RD$450000. Utility trailer, 2002, snmb wgt 497lbs, low miles RD$20000. Honda Hero 150 motorcycle RD$35000. Call 809-743-75125 or 809-836-8523 FOR SALE 2002 Izuzu Rodeo Sport, V6, Power windows/lock. New Front brakes/rotors/calipers. Good tires and drives great. American owned.Asking RD$245,500 Call 829-397-2772 FOR SALE Myers .5hp water pump, like new, only used 4 months. Asking RD$5000. Call 809-970-7398 FOR SALE Honda CRV 2000 for RD$255,000 Diane & Victor Call 809 261 3795 FOR SALE Hotpoint full capacity washer. Beige. Works well. RD $6,000. Call 829.259.3413 or Email MacK@ttlc.net432 FOR SALE Honda ZX 50cc scooter. New condition Driven only in Costambar. Asking RD$22,000. (Negotiable) Call 829-397-2772 FOR SALE 15 KW diesel generator 4 cylinder Kubota diesel engine ,1800 RPM brushless generator head , Made by Phaser. This unit has low hours approx 400 hrs. Unit new is 7500.00 in the states, asking 5000.00 or best offer Joanne 829 319-0572

WANTED I am looking for 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms apartment with a Costambar Monthly classified ads are free but can only be pool. Long term. Does not have placed by emailing costambarmonthly@yahoo.ca to be in Costambar. Or calling 809-970-7507 or 809-449-1820 Call 849-785-23 98 afternoons PLEASE NOTE - free classified ads are only for personal items. or evenings. Commercial properties or enterprises (including real FOR SALE estate sales or rentals) must purchase an ad. Classifieds will dinghy caribe 13 feet with latte usually be run for one month only unless we are otherwise 800$ both are negotiable notified. US Microwave oven GE, combo convection and grill oven, stainless steel inside and out,rack for grilling and broiling 200$ Boat stereo 30$ IGLESIA FILIPOS PRESBITERIANA invites you to Wet suit 30$ services every Sunday at 10 A.M. Worships are in Life jacket 10$ Spanish. Children activities. Before Costambar Gate Snorkels 5$ Security, turn on the right side toward the power Dog vest 20$ plant, 100 meters on the right side. Fire extinguisher 10$ Power cord 30$ 50 to 30 adapter 100$ Fishing poles (3)80$ each Costambar Community Joanne 829-319-0572 or eCenter & Library mail: noiseuxjoanne@hotmail.com Open 9am-5pm FOR SALE Yamaha jog black and yellow ids,new tires, new battery, special muffler,top shape asking 18,000 pesos georgioantiglio@yahoo.com

LIKE CHECKING OUT THE CLASSIFIEDS FOR GREAT DEALS? OR USING THEM TO GET RID OF YOUR UNWANTED ITEMS? THEN WHY NOT CHECK OUT COSTAMBARS FLEA MARKET AT THE CATAMARAN BAR ON THE BEACH. EVERY LAST SATURDAY OF THE MONTH STARTING AT 10AM! FREE TO VENDORS!!

Monday-Saturday Located next to the Farmacia

Separate English & foreign language book rooms

Costambar Monthly page 18

LAND FOR SALE

Beautiful lot just a couple of minutes from the Star Market in Puerto Plata. 750 square metres, quiet road, nice neighbourhood. Mountain view and harbour views. Spectacular view of the city lights at night.

These three old girls and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

HOUSE FOR RENT

Located Cafemba Main street Long term rental 3 bdrm/2 bath Plus office Furnished Inverter power Well water Pool

Contact dr84@hotmail.com 829-906-7012

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. 2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 3. No one is listening until you fart.. 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

FOR SALE
Bar/restaurant located on the Malecon in front Camacho beach. The bar (which is not a caseta) has a large covered terrace with view on the ocean. In good condition, all equipped and with wifi Contact 809-843-8702 or 809-697-9311
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt . Then things just keep getting worse. 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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CABINETRY

Doors Cabinets Furniture Made to Measure Avenida Penet Muelle #2 Puerto Plata 809-586-8881 809-586-3505

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Feel the Breeze - Feel Freeand Safe

Our New Offer Starting at an incredibly low US$10 per day

Puerto Plata Beach Club

Come Be Part of a New Community for Foreign Residents!

Luxury Ocean View apartments from US$600-$1350 per month - furnished or unfurnished - all one & two bedroom suites include TV, small fridge, basic furniture, fans -invite your friends: US$7 per day at the pool and US$5 for 2nd adult or child - free WiFi around the pool and option to have your own personal high speed connection in your suite - 55m2 or 99m2

- Acceptance fee of one month - 3 months prepaid: US$900 - maintenance fee of US$60 per month - following months are prepaid by 25th - Club membership US$75 to access pool, gym & tennis courts - A/C & furniture rental available - internal consumption according to Personal usage per electric meter - highly secure resort across from The beautiful ocean boulevard - overnight guests allowed at a Nominal US$10 fee per night - onsite management & maintenance team - penthouse apt. with cathedral ceilings US$399

THE NEW HANGOUT FOR EXPATS & UPPER CLASS LOCALS On The Malecon in Puerto Plata Bar - Spa - Cafeteria
: MiniMarket, liquor store, Italian Pizzeria & Pasta to go Casino, movie theatre, Italian Restaurant, Breakfast & Lunch packages, weekend romantic Packages around the largest pool in town, Piano Bar with pool tables & Live Music performances.

Reservations for 2013-2014 season with 1st month. Starting at $20 per day (no food or drinks).

809-586-4243 www.puertoplatabeachclub.com Email ppbeachclub@gmail.com Twitter: @ppbeachclub Facebook: Ptoplabeachclub Apartments