Worship II EMP1741HS :: 999441117 Christopher Wulff

Congregational Policy Poly Wedding

Policy for the Celebration of Commitment Between More Than Two Partners
Offered to the Canadian Unitarian Councils National Committee on Lay Chaplaincy
Draft March 11, 2013

Intent It is the intent of this policy to clarify the position of the Canadian Unitarian Councils National Committee on Lay Chaplaincy as it relates to the provision by recognized and certified Lay Chaplains of officiant services celebrating commitment between multiple (more than 2) partners. Additionally, this policy is intended to act as a resource for Lay Chaplains in identifying issues with which they should be familiar as they design and lead rites of this nature and provide some sample materials (including a liturgy) which may be of use.
*The terms Services of Union and Celebrations of Commitment are used interchangeably throughout this document reflecting the still uncertain language that precedes legal recognition of such a ceremony and relationship. Both Services of Union and Celebrations of Commitment were used by Lay Chaplains in the years leading up to legal recognition of same-sex marriage, and so are employed here in recognition of the parallels in the effort for consenting adults to define their relationships as they choose.

Background Lay Chaplaincy The Lay Chaplaincy program of the Canadian Unitarian Council is unique among Unitarian Universalists in North America. Arising out of the fellowship movement of the 1950s and 60s, the Lay Chaplaincy program was launched in 1971 to enable lay leaders within those congregations without professional or ordained leadership to offer rites of passage to their members. With many UU congregations still following that lay leadership fellowship path (whether by choice or by geographic/demographic circumstance) the program continues to be a vital component of UU congregations across the country. For more information on the history of the Lay Chaplaincy program of the Canadian Unitarian Council, see the History section of the 2008 Lay Chaplaincy Task Force Report.1 Soon after creation, the program expanded as a service offered to the broader community, primarily for those seeking interfaith, intercultural, interracial or secular rites of passage at a time when many churches were unwilling to extend this service to non-members and civil services lacked the sense of ritual sought by participants. The Canadian Unitarian Council Lay Chaplaincy Program helps client couples and families in need of meaningful rite of passage ceremonies, at places chosen by them, by recognizing their personal beliefs and wishes, while being sensitive to the needs of others who attend the ceremony, and reflecting Unitarian and Unitarian Universalist values that afford respect and acceptance of those who follow different paths of faith. Congregational Lay Chaplaincy Manual, Revised 20102 In addition, acting as a Lay Chaplain is viewed as a personal spiritual development opportunity for those seeking to deepen their faith and celebrate ritual. For Lay Chaplains who themselves identify as polyamorous or as an ally to polyamorous communities, the provision of these services may

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constitute an act of social justice and hospitality that will further deepen their commitment to the UU faith and their own spiritual path. Polyamory Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness (UUPA) define polyamory as follows: the philosophy and practice of loving or relating intimately to more than one other person at a time with honesty and integrity. UUPA advocates for any form of relationship or family structure -- whether monogamous or multi-partner -- which is characterized by free and responsible choice, mutual consent of all involved, and sincere adherence to personal philosophical values. 3 While polyamory remains an uncommon relationship practice or identity, a 2009 estimate published in Newsweek put the number of polyamorous families in the United States at more than 500,000.4 Scaling for Canadas population that number could run as many as 50,000 families in Canada. There remain some conflicts in existing policy as regards language that might relate to polyamorous relationships and partnerships. As youll note in the aforementioned paragraph from the Congregational Manual, the text refers to couples and families, while the text of the CUC website section on Weddings states Unitarian lay chaplains are proud to perform marriages for any people who wish to dedicate themselves to each other.5 While the former would seem to preclude Services of Union for polyamorous families, the latter seems to more adequately reflect the values of the UU Principles. UUPA notes how the first two principles of Unitarian Universalism, the inherent worth and dignity of every person; and justice, equity and compassion in human relations; are cornerstone principles of polyamory. We believe that honesty, integrity, and consent in personal relationships are essential to the affirmation of the inherent worth and dignity of ones partners. We believe that the affirmation of a partners inherent worth and dignity necessitates respect for that partners choices in his/her own relationships, including freedom to feel and openly express love for others, including romantic love. We further believe that justice, equity and compassion in human relations are promoted by the presence of honesty, integrity, and consent in personal relationships. Given that there is nothing within UU theology or history which explicitly prevents us from officiating at services for the polyamorous community, it is important that such services be included and recognized as possible offerings of Lay Chaplains and must be resourced in the same manner as those offered to same-sex and opposite sex weddings.

Issues in Service Provision There are many issues that one might be called to consider as a Lay Chaplain asked to perform a service such as this. These might be grouped into personal, congregational, liturgical and social issues. Personal issues As with any public service which one is invited to officiate at, comfort of the Lay Chaplain is critical. Lay Chaplains are not compelled to offer these services where they conflict with their personal feelings, and in such cases, are actively discouraged from doing so. As when we first started offering same-sex services of union, Ministers and Lay Chaplains who are hesitant about the ethics of the service they are offering will subconsciously convey this to participants, and often with a tone of

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judgment with which participants should not be challenged. Prior to offering these services a Lay Chaplain should discern their own relationship to this transgression of customary practice and their comfort in leading such a service. Without being able to offer a full-throated support and celebration of this union, the Lay Chaplain would be doing a disservice not only to those whom they would join in union, but also to the audience supporting the family and others who might seek such a rite or recognition in the future. Congregational While the Canadian Unitarian Council and its Lay Chaplaincy Committee may make recommendations to Lay Chaplaincy committees within congregations, our congregationalist history makes individual congregations the final arbiter as to what services their Lay Chaplains may offer to their community and the community at large. As such, Lay Chaplains are encouraged to confer with their congregational Lay Chaplaincy committee and adopt some form of this policy into their own policies. Congregations are encouraged to do this in a transparent manner as there may be congregants for whom this transition will prove challenging. Given that more than 90% of congregations in Canada have now completed the Welcoming Congregations program6 (which seeks to make congregations more welcoming of LGBTTIQQ individuals), there are likely many advocates available to support a congregational conversation around issues of marginalized or oppressed sexual identities or relationship structures. See also content in the young adult and adult curricula within the Our Whole Lives healthy sexuality program (taught throughout the lifespan in most of our congregations) for resources relating to non-monogamous relationship structures which might be useful in congregational dialogues. Liturgical There are numerous liturgical traditions in wedding ceremonies that might be seen as barriers to a multiple partner ceremony. The traditional arrangement of a space split in two (with relatives split to one side or the other, wedding party on either side, etc.); the lack of legal recognition which might require innovative documents if a signing/witnessing is desired; the scripted language that relies so heavily on couple and the valuing of two souls meeting in binary partnership; the exchange of rings as between two people; the presentation, the exchange of kisses, etc.; these are all common elements in wedding liturgies which may have to be reexamined in the context of a multiple partner celebration of commitment. In our context as Unitarian-Universalists, the language of marriage rarely invokes divine authority or validation of a particular form of bond, but the poetry and readings employed often speak of love and partnership in a coming together between two halves (see A Guide for Weddings and Services of Union in the Liberal Religious Tradition7), which would be inappropriate to this context. Lay Chaplains will have to be respectful and mindful when adjusting the words of quotes and passages, where doing so may not respect the intentions of the original author, and are encouraged to write their own prayers, blessings, etc., in consultation with the participants. Social Where the move to legitimize and legalize same-sex marriage was largely about opening the benefits and traditions of marriage to a traditionally-disenfranchised population, these types of services may be perceived by a congregations community as a bridge too far, substantially altering their

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understanding of the marriage contract as existing between two individuals. This is likely unavoidable so it is imperative that the congregation be aware of the manner in which they will respond to community concerns or protests. Drawing attention to oneself over this issue may well prove a wedge as it is a justice issue which challenges broadly held and, in some cases, sacrosanct understandings of ideal and natural humanities. Being able to situate the service and the communitys commitment to it within a context of justice and access will be critical. Resources for Service Provision Resources are profoundly limited for this type of service, which may have a great deal to do with the experience of poly folks in relationship to weddings and traditional marriage. With the service remaining rare, there are nonetheless some useful thoughts in the following: Unmarried Equalitys Resources for Polyamory (http://www.unmarried.org/polyamory/resources/) Tristan Taorminos Opening Up (http://openingup.net/) offers some considerations for public demonstration of relationship status including ideas around weddings/commitment ceremonies and how to work with partners families. Offbeat Bride (http://offbeatbride.com/tag/polyamory) Sample Service Setting Rather than the normal bifurcating centre aisle, explore other modes of arranging the seating (circles, semi-circles, multiple aisles, etc). Instead of having the individual families sitting in separate sections, encourage the audience to sit anywhere they choose with all the participants in the service sitting together. Opening Words and Introduction Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to honour the commitment made by , and to each other in love, in faith and in hope. Though the laws of our land do not recognize this union, it is made manifest by the love of these three together and by all of you. Before the government was involved in weddings, the witness of the people gathered together made them real, holding the power to declare love true, to witness to the covenant made between people. Today you are the communitys witness, you make this moment a sacred one, your presence in love and support is the spirit that exceeds our laws as fullest, deepest divine. Chalice Lighting Living in a committed, covenanted relationship changes us. We become more than we were before. We do not cease to be individuals, leading individual lives; but something new is created. It is not that we become one thing and are no longer individual people. Rather it is that a new life, a life between us, between we three, begins to exist and grow as our relationship grows.

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I invite the parents or chosen family of these three souls forward to represent their separate lives, their separate families and communities, to light from their own three flames, a common candle as a sign of the new life this union today creates and the light of a community that holds them together in love grown brighter. Charge to the Family and Community For many of us gathered here today, this sight is a blessing and a gift and an inspiration. For others, the union that these three people are committing to is disconcerting, destabilizing, confusing. It appears far from the norm, far from how we have ourselves lived. But, having spoken with this family, I can assure you that they want the same from their families and from their friends that any marrying couple do. They want your love. They want your support. They want your compassion. They want you to know that this relationship was built on the inspiration you provided them; the love you shared with your partners, what it means to communicate in gentle compassion, and how we give of ourselves for those whom we love. While it may be new to you, it is born of your loving example, of your gifts of abundant, flowing grace in the face of sanctified scarcity. In a spirit of witness and welcome, please answer we will Will you accept the choice made by your loved ones, recognizing that they enter this covenant of their own free will and their greatest intentions? We will. When any of them come to you when times are hard, will you promise not to assume that the reason for the challenge is not their relationship structure, but rather the same weaknesses and trials shared by all of us? We will. Will you stand as an ally and a witness to the love this family shares, kin in a broader loving whole of creation? We will. Affirmation of Intentions (Required) Do you, _____, solemnly swear that you enter into this union free from legal impediment and by your own free will? Celtic Loving Cup Ceremony _____, _____ and _____, on this your wedding day, we celebrate the Celtic spirit of the anam cara. Anam cara is translated from the Gaelic as "soul friend." By entering in a partnership with your anam cara, you are joined in an ancient and eternal way with these people whom you most cherish. In everyones life there is a great need for anam cara and so I ask you to toast one another by repeating the following: The Participants: (repeating after the chaplain, to each of their partners) Today I recognize you, my anam cara and ask that you become a part of me, in sacred kinship. With you I will share my innermost self, my mind and my heart. With you, I have lost all fear and have found the greatest courage. I have learned to love and let myself be loved. With you, I have found a rhythm of grace and gracefulness. With you my anam cara, I am understood, I am home.

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Lay Chaplain: And now, please drink to the love you have shared in the past (Chaplain hands the participants the cup and each take a sip) Drink to your love in the present, on this your wedding day (Drink again) And drink to your love in the future and forever more (Drink again) The Celts believed that the way you view your future actually shapes it. I now ask everyone here in the room to take a moment to visualize a future for , and . As a group let us think of the happiness in store for this family of love. Let us put their joyous future out to the universe. Exchange of Vows [Chaplain] Given that the relationships between , and have different origins and different narratives they have each written three brief vows, one to each of their partners and one to the whole they are forming together, a commitment to the individuals and to the covenant spirit they enter. Exchange of Rings Signing of the Papers of Commitment [Chaplain] Normally in a wedding at this stage we would sign the marriage license and register for the province, but thats not an option in this case, so instead , and decided to have their vows drawn by a calligrapher and will sign these, along with their witnesses, as lasting symbols of their commitment to one another. They would invite those of you so inclined to add your own names as witnesses at the bottom of the document after the official signing. Pronouncement No single event marks a marriage. A marriage is the freely chosen union of individuals. It is both culmination and commencement of a lifetime of love. Through the statement of common spirit and the exchange of rings, you have done what in truth neither state nor church can do: you have joined yourselves in a shared destiny. Closing Words or Benediction Today we pray for the lives of , and together. We pray for concord and creativity as well as for love and laughter. We pray for joy, that they may share it with others, and for their home, that it may be a temple for that which is beautiful and good and true. We pray for courage when there is pain, and for humility when fortune favours them. As they share the richer experiences of life, so may their hearts and minds increase in understanding, and their bond become even stronger. May , and carry the past gracefully with them in all the years of their sojourn, and with an equal measure of hope ever face the future unafraid. Amen.

Canadian Unitarian Council. Lay Chaplaincy Task Force Report (PDF). April, 2008. http://cuc.ca/archive/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/LayChaplaincyTaskForceReportApril2008.pdf

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Canadian Unitarian Council. Lay Chaplaincy Program Manual (PDF). Sept. 13, 2010. http://cuc.ca/archive/wpcontent/uploads/2011/10/CongregationalLayChaplaincyManual2010Sep13.pdf 3 Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness. Website. http://uupa.org/index#who 4 Only You. And You. And You. Newsweek Magazine. July 28, 2009. DailyBeast Website. http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2009/07/28/only-you-and-you-and-you.html 5 Canadian Unitarian Council. Website. http://cuc.ca/weddings/ 6 Canadian Unitarian Council. Website. http://cuc.ca/february-fuun-facts/ 7 A Guide for Weddings and Services of Union in the Liberal Religious Tradition. First Unitarian Congregation of Toronto. July 2010.