422 East 11th Street

Apartment 8
Bloomington, IN 47401

His Excellency
General Mohammad Zia-ul-Haq
President's House
Islamabad
PAKISTAN
May 4, 1988

Dear Gen. Zia-ul-Haq,

First off, I would like to personally congratulate you on a

number of recent triumphs which have added to the luster of your
brilliant regime. In just a few short years you have accomplished
more than many leaders do in decades.

Your economic campaigns have succeeded in creating an

unorthodox hybrid system of Islamic-capitalist values such as the
heathen world has never before seen. Your excellent diplomatic
relations with India are to be praised, as are your relations with
China. Refraining from building those horribly destructive nuclear
bombs is also quite commendable. (We Americans are a peace-loving
people, and as such we appreciate the mature attitude that engenders
such restraint.)

Furthermore, you have wisely incarcerated those extremist

political leaders who might otherwise have led the country to ruin,
a necessary step in your admirable struggle to make the world safe
from democracy. And above all, Pakistan is at peace, which is
extraordinary accomplishment, especially in your part of the world.

But I'm afraid that when I look to the future my vision is not
as positive. Indeed, there are some storm clouds on the horizon.
You are aware, I'm sure, of India's plans to develop a nuclear
arsenal, a contingency which would surely upset the stability of the
region. Your problems with Afghanistan are not solved yet. Quick
action is required to crush the Soviet puppets and establish an
Islamic-capitalist government in Kabul which would adhere to the
Pak-American ideologies (under your esteemed guidance, of course).
The continuing violence between ethnic groups in your country also
requires urgent attention, as does the issue of Behari repatriation.

But perhaps the most pressing crisis that faces you now is that
of the upcoming election. The question of how to lead a successful
campaign by the Pakistan Muslim League against the Pakistan People's
Party (not to mention all the others) must be a particularly
confounding one for you, as I imagine that elections are quite
outside your ordinary sphere of experience.

Well, to tell the truth, Zia, that's why I'm writing you this
letter. We Americans are rather familiar with elections. I myself
am a student of Political Science here at Indiana University, and as
it happens, elections are my specialty. In fact, I have most
recently completed a personal analysis of Albert Gore's campaign for
the Democratic nomination. I assure you that if only Al had
followed my recommendations more closely, it would have been a
different story indeed!

In addition to studying Political Science, I am involved with

Indiana University's department of Religious Studies. I don't want
to sound immodest, but I am considered something of a guru here. As
such, I am sure that my aid in the upcoming election would be an
invaluable asset to you, spiritually as well as strategically.

I know that you will want me to begin work immediately, so if

you wish you may send the plane tickets without delay. I will be
ready to go at a moment's notice. We can discuss the matter of my
salary when I arrive. I am very reasonable; I'm sure that you can
afford to hire me. (Can you afford not to?)

In the mean time, please give my best wishes to your wife and
family. I am looking forward to meeting them soon.

Yours very sincerely,

Bart Everson