WINNING WAYS

Awareness is all that you need

long time ago I started to ponder the psychological and Buddhist ideas around the question of attachment. I initially encountered this on my first weekend of training to be a relationship counsellor. Our trainer gave a vivid example of secure and insecure attachment as described in Bowlbys Theory of Attachment (2005). She had three bowls, with a little doll representing a child in each one. The first bowl was very tall and narrow, the second was just an average sort of salad bowl and the third was an almost flat, shallow bowl. We were asked to cast our minds back and consider what kind of parenting we had had. It was such an interesting exercise as I, a mother of three, leapt straight back into my childhood. I knew for certain that I had been brought up in the middle bowl, but it had been very crowded in there as I am one of seven. I have always known that I was loved but that the love had to be shared around. Others in the class claimed the shallow bowl. They knew they had been given too much freedom and felt the lack of boundaries, whilst others had been almost suffocated by over care in the tall, narrow bowl, too hard to climb up and see over the top and always being told to be careful.

Going forward has to involve divesting ourselves of the things that hold us back. Reflecting on the role that attachment plays in our choices, life coach Jo Middlemiss finds awareness is all that is needed.
READ THIS TO BE MORE AWARE OF THE BELIEFS AND ATTITUDES THAT AFFECT YOUR BEHAVIOUR UNHELPFUL NATURE OF BLAME CHOICE YOU HAVE IN HOW YOU RESPOND TO EVENTS conditioning. Attitudes and behaviours and beliefs have more than likely been imposed by family and society, therefore certain behaviours and responses are expected and deemed natural, when an altogether different behaviour and response could be more effective. Even after we become aware of our conditioning, blame is still not a helpful attitude. Awareness is all that is needed. When on holiday, the Richard and Judy pile comes with me, honestly! But I also take at least one book which enlightens as well as entertains. This summer it was The Way to Love, the last meditations of Anthony De Mello. In it he tackles attachment fairly strongly. In other words, he sees it as the cause of most ills. He believes that not having what we want, or the fear of losing that which we have, is the chief reason for unhappiness. He lists what he calls four truths: 1. You must choose between your attachment (and we all have many) and happiness. 2. Where does the attachment come from? It comes from a lie: without this person, or thing, or job, or result, I cannot be happy. 3. Perspective is vital if we want to be rid of attachments. The world is much bigger than any trifle of mine. 4. No person or thing outside of you has the power to make you happy or unhappy. That choice is yours alone. (summarised from De Mello, 1996, pp.49-53).

Powerful
Our training then went on to teach us how the bonds formed in those very early days are unconsciously powerful right to the ends of our lives. People who have had a secure attachment experience early on are more likely to think well of themselves and be confident. Those who are anxiously attached know that they are loved but probably fall into the need to be good category in order to get their needs met. Those who are insecurely attached - or not attached or bonded at all - are at a real disadvantage when it comes to social interaction. All this information is very helpful when dealing with clients, but what about learning more about ourselves and dealing with the ingrained psychological attitudes that we dont really know anything about? As we have discussed many times before, awareness is once again the key. Until we become aware of the beliefs and attitudes that affect our behaviour, there is nothing whatever we can do to change things. I have always listened with interest to people who blame events and people for their present circumstance: mother, father, boss, partner, weather, school - and everything out there. Long before I was ever in the Life Coaching line of work I could never understand why grown-up adult people could not just take their own life by the scruff of the neck and make changes without having to find a guilty party for all their miseries. But if I cant blame out there, must I blame myself? I hear you ask. The answer is no to that also. The place to look for an answer is in our

- my camera - slip out of his hands. It fell on some leaves, stayed there for a tantalising second and crashed on down the full 200 feet of tumbling water. How glad I was to have read the wise words on attachment. A deep breath, a rueful smile and a shoulder shrug would not have been my usual response, but I have learned that my happiness does not depend on a camera, or carefulness. It was an accident. (Though I was glad it wasnt me who dropped it!) Going forward has to have something to do with divesting ourselves of the things that hold us back. These attachments come in many forms and we are often conditioned into thinking that there is no other way. There is always another way. Andrew Matthews in his book Follow Your Heart restates De Mellos ideas in a slightly more contemporary style (p. 109): We can make a conscious decision, No one is going to ruin my day. We make a pact with ourselves No arrogant bank clerk, no parking meter attendant, no traffic cop, no waitress with a chip on her shoulder is going to mess with my 24 hours.We remind ourselves that in the context of world events, a confrontation with a rude check out clerk is not that dramatic. Nothing I say means to minimise the things we experience in our everyday lives. Good things and bad things happen to everyone at one time or another. The only thing we can actually choose is our response. Choosing wisely makes sense.

References
Bowlby, J. (2005) The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds. New edn. Oxford: Routledge. De Mello, A. (1996) The Way to Love. London: Doubleday. Matthews, A. (1999) Follow Your Heart. LA: Price Stern Sloan. SLTP

Liberating
In some ways this is very uncomfortable teaching and in other ways it is wonderfully liberating. After reading this one Sunday morning, my husband and I set off on an enormous hike to the top of a waterfall. It was stark and beautiful. As I posed for a picture my husband let the camera

Jo Middlemiss is a qualified Life Coach with a background in education and relationship counselling, tel. 01356 648329. Jo offers readers a complimentary half-hour telephone coaching session (for the cost only of your call). You may want to phone Jo if you are going through a major change (such as coping with being a student, starting a first job, promotion or returning to work after a career break), or if you find yourself in circumstances which make it difficult for you to do your job in the way you want to. While all Jos work informs Winning Ways, your contact is confidential, and no personal or identifying details will be given.

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SPEECH & LANGUAGE THERAPY IN PRACTICE Autumn 2007