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The LIEography of Thomas Edison The Absolutely Untrue, Totally Made Up, 100% Fake Life Story of the Worlds Greatest Inventor By Alan Katz

To Natalie and Sol, who invented me

Chapter One If Thomas Edison were alive today, hed be well over one hundred and sixty years old. And while the man is credited with more than a thousand life-changing inventions, a machine to allow him to live 160+ years was not one of them. So, sadly, he is not here today to tell his fascinating story. The good news, however, is that Mr. Edison lives on through his scientific achievements, as well as through the words in his top-secret diary, which has never been found and indeed may not even exist. You are about to read the tale of a man who looked at what was, thought about what is, and invented what could be. A man who never accepted the word no, never stopped dreaming, never stopped thinking, never stopped trying, and never drank a cup of fruit punch with a scrambled egg in it. Its the tale of a man who never stopped asking why, never stopped asking how, never stopped asking when, never stopped asking who, and never realized that the capital letter M looks quite a lot like an upside down capital letter W.

And its the tale of a man who, in many ways, made it possible for you to communicate with others, watch movies, read books, and get long, difficult, impossible-to-complete homework assignments. Its time to meet Thomas Irving Edison.

Chapter Two Thomas Irving Edison was invented, well, born, on the 407th day of 1846. Many considered the day to be part of February 1847, but Thomass parents were great believers in getting the most out of a year, so they very often ignored New Years Eve and just keep counting days well past the 365 that most people say make up a year. See, they too were quite inventive. Thomas came from a large family. He was the eighth of seven kids, and often wore hand-me-down clothes and ate handme-down food. As a young child, he pretty much lived on sandwiches the family called TABAPI, which stood for Take A Bite And Pass It. As you might imagine, by the time a tuna on white bread got to little Thomas, all he had was crust. Maybe thats why he ate tuna at pretty much every meal as an adult even at breakfast. And maybe its also the reason he got extremely angry whenever anyone said the words TABAPI (which hardly ever happened) or crust (which he heard quite often). Those who considered

Thomas Edison an ill-tempered man were those who said those words to him; to everyone else, he was a kind, friendly, sweet man of invention. As a boy, Thomas or Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom, as he insisted everyone call himconsidered himself an inventor from the time he could first say the words, I consider myself an inventor. And when people would ask, Whats an inventor? the young man would reply, Its something I invented. And its what I am. No one really understood. But they knew Tommity-TippityTom-Tom was headed for big fame . . . or big trouble. And they couldnt wait to find out which it would be. From age five on, Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom loved to play with trains. Unfortunately, they were real trains, with real locomotive engines. The boy would sit high upon a hill, always keeping a safe distance from the tracks, and hed use a homemade remote control device to make the trains run. The device was quite simple: three dirty sticks tied together. It did absolutely nothing other than swing back and forth. But

Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom would sit on the hill at precisely 2:27 p.m. each day and wave the device up and down until the train came. When it was nearing the station, Tommity-Tippity-TomTom would wave the device back and forth to make it slow down and stop. Hed pull on the left stick and people would get off. Then hed pull on the right stick and the doors would close and the train would start moving. And hed pull on the center stick to make the train speed up . . . until it was out of sight. No one had the heart to tell Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom that his device had nothing to do with the trains arrival or departure. He believed in it his whole life. In fact, hed get mad whenever hed see a train motoring down the tracks, figuring that someone had ripped off his idea and was using a similar three sticks tied together device to run the trains. So seeing a train, or hearing the words TABAPI or crust, made Edison mad; most other times, he was a kind, friendly, sweet man of invention.

Chapter Three Besides the train device which we now know was pretty much nothingmost consider Edisons first invention to be the Reading Machine. Despite its name, the Reading Machine was not actually a machine. It was simply just another stick, one that he used to poke his big brother Elliot in the ribs until he agreed to read to him. Elliot would be doing his homework, or sitting quietly, and Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom would jab him with the Reading Machine and Elliot would sigh and start reading aloud to Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom. The more Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom jabbed, the more Elliot read. It would go on like that for hours a day, ending only when Elliot lost his voice . . . or when it was time for Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom to make the 2:27 train arrive.

(After awhile, Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom even invented something to prevent Elliot from losing his voice; he patented it as an invention called The Glass of Water.) On his sixth birthday, Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom changed his name back to Thomas, and from that day on got extremely angry with anyone that called him Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom. So hearing the words TABAPI or crust, seeing a train, or being called Tommity-Tippity-Tom-Tom made Edison mad; most other times, he was a kind, friendly, sweet man of invention. In school, the young lad quickly became known as a kid with different ideas, someone who tried to take learning far beyond learning by questioning the obvious. For example, one time when
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his teacher said, One plus one equals two, Thomas raised his hand and asked, Why? The teacher answered, Because if you have one apple and you get another apple, you have two apples. Thomas accepted that, and then raised his hand to ask, What about plums? The teacher said, Yes, plums too. One plum plus one plum equals two plums. Grapes? Yes. Zebras? Yes. Piano stools? Yes. Coyotes? Yes. Gobs of earwax? Yes. Socks?

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Yes. Buckets of sand? Yes! One of something plus one of something always equals two of that thing! Even puppies? Yes. Guppies? Yes. Wuppies? Yes. I have a question . . . Yes? What are wuppies? At that point, the teacher sent Thomas to the principals office. And when the principal called in the assistant principal, Thomas counted. He was in trouble with one person and then with another personwhich meant he was indeed in trouble with two people. His teacher had been right!

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Chapter Four Now you might be thinking that Thomas Edison was a bit of a pain in the neck in school. But that really wasnt the case. Yes, he asked a lot of questions. Yes, he took apart many things that were working just fine. Yes, he yelled, I have an idea! even when he didnt have one, confident that he could probably come up with one by the time someone asked him what it was. But rather than being considered a pain in the neck, Thomas was thought of as a genius. The phrase I dont know lets ask Thomas pretty much took over the school. How do we stop the door from squeaking? I dont knowlets ask Thomas. How do we keep the clock from running twelve hours fast? I dont knowlets ask Thomas. How do we construct a new school library entirely out of saltines? I dont knowlets ask Thomas. Why is Thomas doing laps in an empty swimming pool while wearing a tuxedo?

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I dont knowlets ask Thomas. Ask Thomas they did. And more often than not, Thomas was able to figure out an immediate and brilliantanswer. Thomas won the school Science Fair so many times that the other kids started calling it the Science Unfair. One year, while classmates John Harper and Glenn Meehan made a six-foot-long spinning wheel water thing in a colorful bottle that proved without a doubt that water is wet, Thomas invented a brand new means of communication by tapping out signals. Heres what happened: Thomas was sitting in a restaurant sipping milk, which for some reason he called Scode. After emptying his glass, he was still thirstyso he tapped on the table and said, Scode! Scode! More right nowplease! He tapped hard. He tapped soft. He tapped long. He tapped short. And he found that when he tapped in a certain pattern, the waitress came much sooner. It was as if the taps were sending out a message!

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This, dear reader, is how Edison came to invent More Scode, which was later renamed Morse Code and used by armies, navies, and others who needed to transmit information. What became of Edisons classmates John Harper and Glenn Meehan? Did they end up as great scientists? Did they do amazing things for mankind? Did they succeed beyond their wildest dreams? Why would you be thinking about that? This is, after all, the LIEography of Thomas Irving Edison. Lets move on . . .

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