KEYS TO WINNIING WAYS (7)

The application key

The sad circumstances surrounding this article were not of life coach Jo Middlemisss choosing. But, having previously advocated keys of awareness, appreciation, abundance, affirmation and authenticity to encourage reflection and personal growth, it felt an appropriate time to explore the toughest challenge of all their application at a time of loss.

read in a childs book once that a black dog was like a hole in the world. I couldnt really imagine it until I saw my own black lab standing against a snowy background. He did look exactly like a hole in the world. It is an image that has come often to me since my sister Mary died on March 30th after a very rapid eight week encounter with cancer. There is a hole in the world where she was and I miss her for many different reasons. Mary is my big sister. We are separated by four years and two brothers, enough to grow up without really getting to know one another. Our love and friendship was one that grew only after the shared experience of motherhood, marriages, separation and maturity. We lost another sister over 20 years ago to another type of cancer and Marys illness, although very different, presented an overlay of dj vu. Mary had gone to Canada and nursed my younger sister almost to the end of her young life at a time when I was not in a position to help at all.

complicated and annoying, although all the people who were inconvenienced were very supportive. In retrospect I could have saved myself time and space if I had used the old adage Mind the Gap. I will in the future. I do now. I will keep myself available for the real tasks of life rather than the endless busyness which can mask our purpose. The next step was to go to Ireland where my sister was and step into her life without stepping onto her life and the lives of her close family. Her husband was absent. After a wearying struggle Mary had really come into her own in her early sixties and was truly joyous for the first time in a long time, so her illness was a confusing irony. There was a great high when she was first diagnosed but when I arrived that had turned to sadness and introspection. Where she had wanted phone calls, letters, presents and flowers, she lost interest in all of those things. She wanted to be silent, she wanted to be safe and she wanted to stay in hospital.

READ THIS IF YOU DEAL WITH LOSS FIND BUSYNESS MASKING YOUR PURPOSE WANT TO STEP INTO NOT ONTO ANOTHERS LIFE
treatment and yet the professionals involved were, for the most part, expert, knowledgeable, skilful and loving. They were adept at pain relief, nausea control and symptom management. As the chemo approached Marys anxiety built and I realised the power of being there. Not talking, just being. Its hard to convey the power of a knowing look, respecting the feelings of fear but not joining in. Although my sister was very ill, not a single one of the fears she fretted about proved to be anything other than a paper tiger. The chemo was manageable (but too late). She was never sick. Her pain was controlled. She was able to go home, meet family members and enjoy a birthday party. Each time, when the storm had passed, she agreed she had been able to come through all the challenges her

Living in the moment I could have saved myself time and space if I had used the old adage Mind the Gap.
I have experienced many of lifes adversities but have developed my work and philosophy to a deeper level in recent years. The speed of Marys illness was a blessing and a wound, and the certain knowledge of where I would be and what we would be for each other at this most challenging time of our lives was to be the biggest test of my keys. Would the keys open the doors to deeper knowledge and understanding? Would they be helpful in dealing with this loss? A course of chemotherapy was prescribed and she was more anxious about that than I had ever seen her. Although we were sisters, I thought that I would have behaved very differently in this circumstance. But I learned not to judge anything that was happening. The truth is, I dont know how I would be, and just know how she was and that is where I had to be, in the moment with her. Living in the moment in a hospital is a challenge for a fresh air loving, active person like me. My sis was on large doses of morphine. She was sleeping a lot. I was sitting a lot. I observed the non-stop asking of questions by curious well wishers and loving friends and relatives and learned not to ask. How are you? Are you in pain? Are you being sick? Are you sleeping? Have you lost weight? all understandable, but so wearing if answered twenty times a day. We developed a strategy where I became the phone fielder and the initiator of a weekly text message which answered the standard questions without being too obvious: Hi there, Mary here. Thank you for your kind message. My pain is under control, my nausea is being well managed. I am sleeping very well although food is not of much interest. Ill keep you posted or you can contact my daughter on [tel. no.]. This way people felt considered but the replies tended to be texts and therefore could be read anytime. A system proved to be essential. Loving interest can be very exhausting and at this stage we were all in the business of building strength not wearing it out. There is so much fear surrounding cancer and its

I learned not to judge anything that was happening. The truth is, I dont know how I would be
illness and treatment presented. In my reflections I reaffirmed to myself that worry really doesnt do any good. As it became obvious that Marys liver was in failure the consultant pulled me to one side and used the words rapid decline more often than I cared to hear. The last week of her life was spent observing how she almost imperceptibly detached herself from all the things and people she was most attached to. This was not callous - this was vital. I dont even know if Mary was aware that she was doing it.

What is this for?

Over Christmas and New Year a very natural gap appeared in my work pattern. Long-term clients finished working with me at absolutely the right time for them and me. However the diary wasnt filling up as I would have liked. Previously this gap would have filled me with a spot of panic, but this time I thought What is this for? Unfortunately I didnt trust my intuition quite enough and immediately set about networking for new clients, taking on speaking engagements and organising courses. Busy busy busy. No sooner had I done this than the phone call came in. What I could unpick I did, but it was

Time and distance are illusions

My time was spent masterminding family visits and farewells; screening phone calls but making sure that the people who needed a final word got it. I will never forget the last conversation of a mother to her eldest son. He was in Australia with no chance of getting back in time: Neither time nor distance can make any differ-

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KEYS TO WINNIING WAYS (7)

ence to our love for each other. After the call she said It is really true, time and distance are illusions, I never believed it before. She wanted no more treatment and none was offered. From that momentous decision her fear disappeared. Palliative care was the route for the last twenty four hours. Two of my brothers, two of her children and I accompanied her to her death. We promised we would never leave her and we didnt. It was a bit like being in the departure lounge at an airport except that she was going on a journey from which there was no return. Normally Im hopeless at airports and can cry just watching other people saying good bye to each other! This was very different for there was laughter as well as tears. There were moments of farce and nonsense and there were moments of love so powerful that you realised it was a force stronger than anything else on earth. The precise moment of passing was when she was alone with her children. (My brothers and I had withdrawn to the chapel for an early morning prayer.) Nothing has ever felt so right. The next few days are a bit of a blur. The Irish way of death is nothing if not funny and I felt as if I was on the set of Father Ted and Ballykissangel. The undertaker really did work out of a pub and he lured my brothers into a business deal with a huge pint of Guiness and a pile of white bread sandwiches - just the job after the all night vigil (you can go off brothers pretty quickly!) But there was no point in stressing and it all worked beautifully. Marys body returned to the house. I stayed with her remains although I knew she wasnt there. There was something incredibly comforting about seeing the task through to the end. The funeral was joyous. I did not want to cry my way through, which is my usual style. I wanted to sing, read a lesson and speak to people who had taken the trouble to travel long distances. The creative key came into practice as we all swallowed copious quantities of Virtual Valium. (I had read that if you ask for tranquillity and calm, the body will produce a kind of natural valium for you. On an early morning walk with tears streaming down my face I cried out to the heavens for tranquillity and the idea popped into my head. I put out my hand and imagined taking a pill. I could take a couple of these. I could overdose on these with no harm done. The tears turned to laughter. I couldnt wait to tell my nieces and it had the same effect.) We floated through the next few hours gaining strength from each other and all the supporters who came from far and wide. It was a real traditional Irish wake.

All of us experience loss throughout our lives and it is important that we acknowledge its impact and award ourselves the time and space it requires. In applying my keys in a time of great loss, the Appreciation Key stands out; gratitude for the life of my sister, gratitude for the joy and wisdom and love of my sister and most sincere gratitude for the opportunity to share her final days with her without the need for any kind of excess. I long to see her again but what I gained from our shared Lent has far outweighed the hole in my world. To give you some idea of my sister I leave you with the appreciation paid to her by her daughter Eileen: Mum If we know what Love is, its because of Mum. It was in her eyes every time we walked through the door. It was shown in the way she protected us, but let us go our own path. If we know what Joy is, its because of Mum. Her never ending enthusiasm towards every part of life, from her grandchildren to a chocolate biscuit! Mum overflowed with life. If we know what Strength is, its because of Mum. Mum had the courage and strength to overcome the difficulties that faced her, and to blossom in her independence. If we know what Compassion is, its because of Mum. Mum gave herself to everyone. Her time, her skills and her acceptance helped so many people, not only through her St Vincent De Paul work, but also through her everyday life. If we know what Happiness is, its because of Mum. The laughs, the fun, the sharing cocktails and champagne at every given opportunity! If we know what Family is, its because of Mum. Mum fostered in us the importance of brothers and sisters and children. She created an unbreakable bond between all of us, making the future look bright and full of hope. She was our beautiful, fun and loving Mum. We are so privileged And thankful that we got to call her Mum.

resources
Special Source
The charity BDF Newlife has introduced Special Source, a free online web resource designed to complement its Nurse service. It provides answers to the commonest questions asked by parents, patients and support professionals about inborn conditions. The child health and research charity seeks to improve the lives of people affected by inborn conditions and to reduce the chance of children being affected. It says around 45,000 babies are born each year with an inborn condition in the UK and 20 per cent do not live to see their 7th birthday. www.specialsource.org www.bdfcharity.co.uk

Insight magazine
The Royal National Institute for the Blind has a new magazine for children and young people with sight problems. www.rnib.org.uk/insightmagazine

SEN

The May / June issue of SEN magazine includes a feature on speech and language development. www.senmagazine.co.uk

Oral health

National Smile month (ending 13 June) encourages everyone to consider how they can improve their oral health. Information, puzzles and games are available on www.nationalsmileweek.org.

Eating and drinking

Exhibitors at CareExpo 2006 included Medoris who make the Catchkin which is designed to look and drape like a napkin but perform the functions of a bib. www.medoris.co.uk

SLTP

CASP on the web

Travelled together
When its over its over, and one is left with the most extraordinary lethargy and exhaustion. All the things that have been written about the process of grief are true, to different degrees depending on the situation. My every waking moment was not concerned with my sister as we lived separate and different lives - but for six precious weeks we travelled together. We were supposed to be going to Canada in the summer for the trip of a lifetime. Although the journey we took was very different altogether, I will always remember it as one of the most important I have ever undertaken. Only in retrospect did I realise that it was almost exactly the period of Lent. On Easter Sunday I thought for the first time that I understood exactly what it meant to be living Lent rather than doing something for Lent. Jo Middlemiss is a qualified Life Coach with a background in education and relationship counselling, tel. 01356 648329, www.dreamzwork.co.uk. Jo offers readers a complimentary halfhour telephone coaching session (for the cost only of your call).

The second edition of the Communication Assessment Profile (CASP) and inserts are now available on the web, or from Speech Profiles, The Old Post Office, 4 The Street, Slinfold, Sussex RH13 0RP. The CASP costs 85.00 plus p&p. www.speechprofiles.co.uk

Reminiscence and Recall

This revised and updated guide includes intergeneration work, and working with minority ethnic elders and people with sensory and learning disabilities or with dementia. Reminiscence and Recall: 3rd edition A practical guide to reminiscence work by Faith Gibson is available from Age Concern Books on 0870 44 22 120.
SPEECH & LANGUAGE THERAPY IN PRACTICE SUMMER 2006

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