This week in Saving your Marriage before it Starts, you had the opportunity to investigate Robert Sternberg's Triangular

Model of Love. Using the Scriptures and existing literature, develop a biblical approach to a consummate love. What ingredients are introduced by Jesus or explained in the Word that are essential to a healthy, vibrant love that will stand the test of time and trials? A triangle with three equal sides represents the Triangular Model of Love or consummate love.1 However if one leg of the triangle becomes longer than the other, an unbalanced love style is created; romantic, foolish or companionable. Romantic love is a combination of intimacy and passion but lacks commitment. Foolish love is a combination of passion and commitment but lacks intimacy. Companionable love is a combination of intimacy and commitment but lacks passion.2 Consummate love results from the full combination of all three elements; passion, intimacy and commitment. However, achieving and maintaining consummate love is an arduous task. It is obvious that any relationship requires a balance and when a balance is achieved there is no guarantee that it will last. Scripture indicates that God is the creator of marriage and an advocate of lasting wedlock. The institution of marriage has a divine origin (Genesis 2:18). It is honorable in all (Hebrews 13:4) and is for life, a permanent union which is not meant to be broken (Matthew 19:3-6, Mark 10:8). Concerning every element of marriage, God demands faithfulness from both partners (Malachi 2:14, 15). In order to assure the balance of passion, intimacy and commitment, God specified the roles of the man and wife in the marital relationship. A prudent wife will do her husband good and not evil all the days of her life (Proverbs 18:22). She will love, honor and submit to her husband and she is a companion and helpmate to him (Genesis 2, Proverbs 3 and Malachi 2). The husband, on the other hand, is the head of the wife (I Corinthians 11:3), is a protector and provider (Ephesians 5:22, 23), is the ruler in the government of the home (Titus 1:6), and is the spiritual leader in instruction of Scripture and in training the children (I Corinthians 14:34, 35 and Proverbs 22:6).3 Most importantly, the husband is to love his wife like Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25, Colossians 3:19). Gods roles and order are His vision of what is imperative in the marital relationship. He created it, so He should know. Further, marriage is the typologically referred to in Scripture as the relationship between Christ and the church.4 Parrott calls passion, intimacy and commitment the hot, warm and cold ingredients in loves recipe, And these ingredients vary, because of the levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment change from time to time and from person to person.5
Les and Leslie Parrott, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before You Marry, (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2006), 42.
2 3 1

Ibid., 42. Marriage: A Study in the Scriptures, Retrieved from Dianedew.com/Marriage on October 20, 2010 , 1. 4 Ibid., 1.

Response Post: Thank you for your post. I enjoyed reading your thoughts. It seems that the Parrotts presentation of marriage is that it is predictable and goes through passages or stages; romance, power struggle, cooperation, mutuality and co-creativity. Each stage has its own challenges as well as opportunities and builds upon each other to bring love to its full potential.6 The supposition makes sense because every process goes through stages whether it is love or grief. There is a marked pattern that can be followed to trace the stages of marriage. It is important to acknowledge them and examine them. The first stage is romance and it is a time when couples take complete delight in one another and they reach out to one another to fulfill their deepest need of intimacy. It is a blissful time of intoxication. Stage two is the power struggle when tensions arise as differences between the two parties emerge. As they forge a life together it becomes necessary to compromise and struggle ensues. They both begin to discover that a perfect partner is an illusion but the mystery of getting to know someone well is enough to press forward. The third stage is cooperation in which partners are willing to change and compromise in order to make the relationship flourish. It is a time for the partners to look inward at themselves and how they can each change, In this stage, couples relinquish the illusion that their partner needs to make them happy, and they redefine love by coming to grips with fears and defenses, projections and hurts.7 Stage four is mutuality and is a way for the couple to be together. It is a stage of feeling at one with each other where each partner has a sincere sense of belonging. Finally, the stage of co-creativity is experienced. As couples retire and face the end of life together. There is a new level of intimacy which is profound and peaceful. It transcends every type of love that they have felt before.8 The Parrotts posit that over the lifespan, love changes and as young passion assuages, it is replaced with a deeper, more abiding sense of intimacy, care and co-creativity. The hope is that the flame of passion will be slowly replaced by deep burning coals that last. Response Post # 2 Nice post. You did a great job of analyzing the material. One thing that I truly appreciated about the Hawkins book Strengthening Marital Intimacy is that the Bible does not advocate an inferior position in marriage for women. In fact, the word ezer means helper and it does not define a

Les and Leslie Parrott, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before You Marry, (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2006), 39. 6 Les and Leslie Parrott, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before You Marry, (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2006), 47. 7 Ibid., 48. 8 Ibid., 48.

subordinate type of helper. The word nejed means corresponding to or fit for. Simply, it connotes that woman fits man and that Eve was suitable for Adam.9 Hawkins agrees that intimacy is key and that marriage involves two unique individuals who voluntarily complement one another. In fact, the covenant that Christ made with the church is permanent; it is unalterable and may not be abolished. Marriage is viewed in the same light. Ecclesiastes 4:12 mentions a threefold cord that is not easily broken.10 In regards to marriage and the Biblical mandates for marriage, Hawkins has developed what he calls reality principle. The principle states that two sinners marry and that sin distorts concept of self and causes destruction. Gods plan is for the male and female to deal with their sin through Jesus Christ. Also, there is no perfect relationship and marriage must be based upon the Word of God and the power of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, a mutual appreciation and respect must be established though each partner will never be able to fully meet the needs of the other. Thus, God being the center of the relationship is vital to its success. In life as Christians and in the martial relationship, Gods ultimate concern is to provide you with those things that will help you to become like Jesus Christ, We bow before Him in an attitude of reverent submission recognizing that our ex istence is through Him.11

Ronald E. Hawkins, Strengthening Marital Intimacy, (Kearney, NE: Morris Publishing, 1991), 15. Ibid., 30. 11 Ibid., 64.
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