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LAC HONG UNIVERSITY FACULTY OF ENGLISH LANGUAGE

COMMUNICATION SKILLS 1

(For internal use only)

COURSE OUTLINE Units Contents Total period 1 Introduction communication 2 Understanding and the others 3 Cultures Communication 4 Verbal and Nonverbal 12 4 8 and 8 4 4 oneself 8 4 4 to 4 2 2 Theory Practice & Self-study

Communication 5 Revision Total Listening and Responding 12 1 45 4 0 18 8 1 27

UNIT 1: INTRODUCTION TO COMMUNICATION

1.1. Communication and communication skills
What is communication? When asked to define communication, how would you respond? Most people will relate to the forms of communication - talking or listening. But communication goes beyond that. Communication involves getting information from one person to the other person. Yet even this is not a complete definition because communicating effectively involves having that information relayed while retaining the same in content and context. If I tell you one thing and you hear another, have I communicated? Communication is the art and process of creating and sharing ideas. Effective communication depends on the richness of those ideas.

So if we look at communication from another angle, it involves the perception of the information as much as the delivery of that information. In other words, we can define communication as the art and process of creating and sharing ideas. Effective

communication depends on the richness of those ideas. In order to be effective at communicating, there are a number of skills that you can rely. Which skill you choose will depend upon your situation, the recipient of your communication, and the information that you need to convey. What are communication skills? Imagine you are on one side of a wall and the person you want to communicate with is on the other side of the wall. But theres more than the wall in the way. The wall is surrounded by a moat that is filled with crocodiles and edged by quicksand. These barriers could be things like different cultures, different expectations, different experiences, different perspectives, or different communication styles, to name just a few. Communication skills are the tools that we use to remove the barriers to effective communication.

You might experience only one of these barriers at a time, or you might find yourself facing them all. Getting your message to the other person requires that you recognize these barriers exist between you, and that you then apply the proper tools, or communication skills, to remove those barriers preventing your message from getting through. Of course, communication is a two-way street. The person on the other side of those barriers will also try to send messages back to you. Your ability to understand them clearly could be left to a dependence on their ability to use communication skills. But thats leaving the success of the communication to chance. Instead, you can also use your own communication skills to ensure that you receive messages clearly as well. Finally, there isnt only one point in your communication with another person at which you have to watch out for barriers. To be successful at communicating, its important to recognize that these barriers to communication can occur at multiple points in the communication process. 1.2. Reasons for communication skills

Communication helps us to make connections with each other and with the world. We communicate with many people in a variety of situations; daily. We listen to professors, employers, co-workers, family members, and many others each hour Whatever your cultural background, learning style and geographicallocation, you'll find that your communication proficiency can mean greater academic success, better relationships, a better job, and greater satisfaction in your life. Communication professors are not the only ones who see how important it is to be able to communicate effectively and make connections with others. In The Dance of Connection, psychologist Harriet Lerner says, "The thread that unites my work both as an author and as a psychotherapist is my desire to help people speak wisely and well, sometimes about the most difficult subjects. This includes asking questions, getting a point across, clarifying desires, beliefs, values, and limits. How such communication goes determines whether we want to come home or stay away at the end of the day." When you stop to really"think about a typical day in your life, you'll discover that you spend a lot of time making connections. And, you'll also realize that communication

allows you to make those connections. Communication takes many forms and you, as a communicator, must have a wide range of behaviors to be able to adapt to the variety of situations in which you find yourself. In Making Everyday Connections, we identified only four typical daily communication situations; obviously, there are many others. In this text, we provide a variety of ideas and approaches to help you learn more about the exciting ways that people make connections through communication. This chapter presents the concepts and processes of effective communication in everyday life. We examine the essential components and principles, the types and contexts, and the myths about communication. You will have the opportunity to think about the role of communication in an increasingly multicultural and technological world. We'll provide some hands-on activities and some reflective questions to apply to your personal life and to use communication to make connections in all areas of your life. In a survey conducted by the Katz Business School at the University of Pittsburgh, organizations rated communication skills as the most important factor used in selecting their management staff. The study found that oral and written communication skills were important in predicting job success, as was the ability to communicate well with others in the workplace.
A University of Pittsburgh found that that most

important factor in selecting managers is communication skills. This makes sense when you think about it. If you can communicate well, you can get our message across to others in an effective way and they then have accurate

nstructions to complete their assigned tasks. If you are not able to communicate well, the messages you send get lost in translation. Communication breakdowns result in barriers against your ability to develop both professionally and personally. Even though communications skills are so important to success in the workplace, there are many individuals who find these skills to be a stumbling block to their progress. They truggle to convey their thoughts and ideas in an accurate manner, making it difficult to progress and nearly impossible to lead well. However, there is hope for anyone who

finds communicating to be difficult. These skills can be practiced and learned. It takes learning about how communication works, how to communicate exactly what it is you want to say, what mode of communication is best, and what factors are influencing the ability for you to send and receive messages with acumen.

1.3.

Communication process

The communication process involves multiple parts and stages. These are: The communication process is composed of several stages, each of which offers potential barriers to successful communication.

At each of these stages, there is the potential for barriers to be formed or problems to

arise. As we look at ways to limit the barriers to communicating effectively, remember that you may have to apply them at more than one occasion during your communications process. The steps in the process are represented in Figure 1 and explained further in the following information. 1.3.1 Source The source of the communication is the sender, or for our purposes, you. In order to be a good source, you need to be clear about the message that you are sending. Do you know exactly what it is that you want to communicate? Youll also want to be sure you know why it is that you are communicating. What result is it that you expect? If you cannot answer these questions, you will be starting the communication process with a high chance of failure. The source of the message is the sender. The sender must know why the communication is necessary and what result is needed. 1.3.2. Message The message is simply the information that you want to communicate. Without a message, there is no cause for communicating. If you cannot summarize the information that you need to share, you arent ready to begin the process of communication. 1.3.3. Encoding Encoding is the process of taking your message and transferring it into a format that can be shared with another party. Its sort of like how messages are sent via a fax. The information on the paper has to be encoded, or prepared, before it can be sent to the other party. It has to be sent in a format that the other party has the ability to decode or the message will not be delivered. In order to encode a message properly, you have to think about what the other person will need in order to understand, or decode, the message. Are you sharing all the information that is necessary to get the full picture? Have you made assumptions that may not be correct? Are you using the best form of sending it in order to ensure the best chance of the message being properly received? Are there cultural, environmental, or language differences between you and the other party that could cause miscommunication?

Encoding is the process of taking your message and transferring it into the proper format for sharing it with your audience. It requires knowing your audience and ensuring that your message provides all of the information that they need.

Of course, to encode a message properly, you have to know who your audience is. You need to have an understanding of what they know and what they need to know in order to send a complete message. You need to use language they will understand and a context that is familiar. One simple example of how you can do this is being sure to spell out acronyms. We sometimes forget that not everyone is familiar with the acronyms that we may use on a regular basis. 1.3.4 Channel The channel is the method or methods that you use to convey your message. The type of message you have will help to determine the channel that you should use. Channels include face-to-face conversations, telephone calls or videoconferences, and written communication like emails and memos. The channel is the method of communication that you choose such as face-to-face, by telephone, or via email. Each channel has its advantages and disadvantages. For example, you will find it difficult to give complex, technical information or instructions by using just the telephone. Or you may get bad results if you try to give criticism via email. 1.3.5 Decoding Decoding happens when you receive the message that has been sent. The communication skills required to decode a message successfully include the ability to read and comprehend, listen actively, or ask clarifying questions when needed. Decoding is the process of receiving the message accurately and requires that your audience has the means to understand the information you are sharing. If the person you are attempting to communicate with seems to be lacking the skills to

decode your message, you will need to either resend it in a different way or assist them in understanding it by supplying clarifying information. 1.3.6 Receiver Since you have thought out your message, youve certainly also thought about what you want the desired result to be on the part of your listener. But its important to realize that each person that receives your message will be listening to it through their own individual expectations, opinions, and perspectives. Their individual experiences will influence how your message is received. You have expectations for response from the receiver when you send a message. You can increase the chances of getting this result by addressing your audiences concerns or addressing specific benefits as part of your communication. While you cant always address each persons individual concerns in a message, part of planning for your communication is to think ahead of time about what some of their thoughts or experiences might be. For example, if you are releasing a new product and want to convince customers to try it, you would want to be certain to address the specific benefits to the customer, or what improvements have been made since the last version was released.

1.3.7 Feedback No matter what channel you have used to convey your message, you can use feedback to help determine how successful your communication was. If you are face-to-face with your audience, you can read body language and ask questions to ensure understanding. If you have communicated via writing, you can gauge the success of your communication by the response that you get or by seeing if the result you wanted is delivered. Feedback lets you gauge how successful you were at communicating. It also offers a chance to adjust your communication process for the future. In any case, feedback is invaluable for helping you to improve your communication skills. You can learn what worked well and what didnt so that you can be even more

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efficient the next time you communicate with that person or the next time you need to communicate a similar message. 1.3.8 Context The context is the situation in which you are communicating. It involves the environment that you are in and that in which your audience is in, the culture of your organization(s), and elements such as the relationship between you and your audience. You communication process will not look the same when you are communicating with your boss as it will when you are communicating with a friend. The context helps determine the tone and style of your communication. Context involves things such as your relationship with your audience, the culture of your organization and your general environment.

1.4.

Types of communication

Type of communication is usually distinguished by the number of people involved, by the purpose of the communication, and by the degree of formality in which it occurs. Each type of communication involves appropriate verbal and nonverbal behaviors. Five types of communication are discussed in this text: intrapersonal, interpersonal, small group, team, and public. We also refer to elements of mass, or mediated, communication here and throughout the text. 1.4.1. Intrapersonal communication To communicate with others, we must first understand how we communicate with ourselves. This process of understanding information within oneself is called intrapersonal communication. When we mature, we learn a lot about ourselves and our surroundings. Much of what we learn is gained from our own experiences. Even though there are many things we are taught by others, there are many things we must learn through our own experiences. For example, the first time you experience the sensation of warmth coming over your chilled body is a form of intrapersonal communication. The warmth is coming from a fire, the fire is the source of heat, but that heat is not really known to you until it is felt by your body and is eventually registered in your brain. Your skin

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senses the heated air and transmits the sensation through your central nervous system to your brain, which records it as warmth. In this sense you are communicating within yourself. Intrapersonal communication also occurs anytime we evaluate or attempt to understand the interaction that occurs between us and anything that communicates a message to us. We are involved in intrapersonal communication as we receive, attend to, interpret and analyze, store and recall, or respond in some fashion to any message. Thus, communication between two individuals is far more complex than it appears on the surface. Intrapersonal communication includes diverse internal activities such as thinking, problem solving, conflict resolution, planning, emotion, stress, evaluation, and relationship development. All messages that we create first occur within us. This makes communication a personal event, because we can never divorce ourselves from our interaction with others, no matter how neutral or empathic we may think we are. We say, "I understand your feelings," to someone, but we understand another's feelings only after they are filtered through our own feelings and perceptions. Ultimately, all communication takes place within each of us as we react to communication cues. Lntrapersonal communication may occur without the presence of any other type of communication, but all other types of communication cannot occur without it In fact, intrapersonal communication is occurring almost always, and yet we don't often think about it as a type of communication: 1.4.2. Interpersonal communication Interpersonal communication is creating and sharing meaning between persons who are in a relationship). It is similar to intrapersonal couimunication in that it helps us share information, solve problems, resolve conflicts, understand our perception of self and of others, and establish relationships with others. A subcomponent of interpersonal communication is dyadic communication. Dyadic communication is simply defined as an exchange of information between two people. It includes informal conversations, such as talks with a parent, spouse, child, friend, acquaintance, or stranger, as well as more formal conversations, such as interviews. An interview is a carefully planned and executed question-and-answer session designed to exchange desired information between two parties.

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Another

subcomponent

of

interpersonal

communication

is

small-group

communication, an exchange of information among a relatively small number of people, ideally five to seven, who share a common purpose, such as completing a task, solving a problem, making a decision, or sharing information. 1.4.3. Public communication In public communication, a message is transmitted from one person who speaks to a number of individuals who listen. The most widely used form of public communication is the public speech. We find ourselves on the listening end of a public speech in lecture classes, political rallies, group meetings, convocations, and religious services. Although there are many similarities between public speaking and other types of communication, there are also some differences. Public speaking almost always is more highly structured than the other types. If it is to be done well, it demands much detailed planning and preparation by the speaker. Unlike participants in other types of communication, listeners do not regularly interrupt the speaker with questions or comments. It is the responsibility of the public speaker to anticipate questions that listeners may have and to attempt to answer them. Public speaking almost always requires a more formal use oflanguage and a more formal delivery style than the other types. The use of jargon, poor grammar, or slang is usually not accepted or tolerated in public speeches. The public speaker must use language precisely and must speak clearly in order to be heard throughout the audience. This may require that the speaker eliminate distracting vocal and physical mannerisms that might be tolerated in other types of communication. Public speeches are often presented for three purposes: to inform, to persuade, and to entertain. They are also presented to introduce, to pay tribute, to accept, and to welcome. 1.4.4. Mass and Mediated communication Mediated communication is any communication that is transmitted by some kind of mechanistic means, such as radio, television, telephone, or the Internet; it may be oneon-one communication. Mass communication, on the other hand, generally means that someone is communicating with or to a large number of people. Radio, television, newspapers, magazines, books, the World Wide Web, movies, recordings, CD-ROM,

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and DVD are types of mass communication. They are the means by which messages of some type are directed to a large group (mass) of people. It becomes confusing when we use some form of media to communicate with large numbers or masses of people; and despite the popularity of mass communication, there is very little interaction between the sender and the receiver of the communication. Technology has advanced so quickly and is so popular that we can purchase relatively inexpensive hardware and software and have global "face-to-face conversations." Digital cameras allow us to share pictures of ourselves, our families, and special events with friends all over the world. Email messages have even become a part of the international space program. The seven astronauts on the ill-fated Columbia sent numerous email messages to their families and friends during their shuttle mission. In fact, emails were sent early on the morning of February 1, 2003, just before the shuttle's reentry into the earth's atmosphere. Family members were quoted as saying that they found comfort in the knowledge that their loved ones sent emails describing their love of their work. (For a comprehensive view of the Internet, its technologies, and usage, check this website: www.livinginternet.com.) As technology continues to develop and change, one thing remains consistent: Communication is the process that helps us make connections. Communication is a learned tool that helps us in our personal and family lives, our social and work lives, and in our roles as citizens of the world. Many people are concerned that the way we interact with each other on a oneto-one basis will be negatively affected by technology. Therefore, it becomes increasingly important to search for ways to use it positively.

1.5.

Communication styles

Each one of us has a style of communicating that is unique. Some of us are talkative and extroverted while others are quiet and reserved. Some of us are outspoken while others are less likely to share their opinions in public. Still others of us are formal and direct while others are informal and like to take our time getting to the main point. So how do these different styles of communication impact us in the workplace?

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Communication style refers to the choices we tend to make when communicating to others. It involves two basic dimensions: the assertiveness level of our communication and the emotiveness level of our communication. We also use different styles depending on with whom we are communicating. Differences in communication style can lead to barriers in communication success.

When you work with someone who has a decidedly different communication style from your own, that difference can act as one of the barriers to effective communication. You may feel that someone is being aloof and cold while they feel that they are being quick and business-like. Or you might feel that someone is being too analytical and detailed, while they feel that you arent recognizing the importance of the small things that can make a big difference. There is a way to overcome these differences, however. It involves learning the basic characteristics of the different communication styles and how they influence the context in which your communication is happening. If you can learn to understand the other persons communication style and how it is manifesting itself in the way they

communicate, you are learning your audience and what they need in order to understand your message. You can then encode your message in a way that they will be more likely to be able to decode it, thereby increasing the chance that your message will be delivered successfully. To put it another way, imagine that you are in a foreign country. You can stumble about, using your own words for things and trying to communicate, with the result being that one or both parties may become frustrated - and with very little chance that you will get the result that you want. But if you can speak the language of the person you want to speak with, suddenly you can communicate. You can ask for what you need, give them the information they need, and hopefully achieve the result that is the original aim of your message. When you employ this communication tool, you simply make the choice to communicate to your

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audience in their native tongue. So how do you start? You begin by studying the four basic communication styles and how they relate to each other. You identify your own personal communication style and what particular barriers you might face when communicating with the other styles. Then you learn some simple tools you can use to enhance your communication with others, no matter what communication style they are. 1.5.1 Direct communication style People with the direct communication style are highly assertive and not expressive. They tend to tell others what to do instead of asking others what they think should be done, and they will not easily show emotions in their communications with others. Their communication style is meant to be expedient, though others may not always see it that way. They may appear terse and cold to others, who might take their style of communicating personally. People with direct communication styles are the go- getters in the group. They will work hard and fast and will brook few questions or distractions. These people need to use caution to avoid appearing dictatorial or cold. If you are a direct style, you could probably use some practice with listening skills. Direct communicators will try to tell you as little as possible before moving on to the next topic - not because they are trying to be evasive, but because they are trying to save time. They wont always stop to listen to others, even if the others have something valuable to contribute. They may seem impatient and overbearing at times, but its not meant to be personal. They are attempting to focus on results rather than emotions. They will speak their minds, even if it could be off-putting to others. Dont expect them to talk about their personal lives - they like to keep business and personal issues separate. They dont back down from conflict, and at times could be seen as being aggressive rather than assertive in the way that they express their opinions. Tips for Communicating if You Have a Direct Communication Style

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- the length of time, the topics to be covered, and the expected results - before a meeting occurs Dont use email for sensitive or complicated topics

Tips for Communicating with People with a Direct Communication Style

- dont bore them with lots of background information -topic

- speak plainly Example: When communicating with someone who has the direct communication style, the key is to get to the main point of your communication as soon as possible, and to do so in as efficient as manner as possible. The first example below shows the type of communication that will not work with someone who has a direct communication style. In this example, Jane is the one with the direct communication style. Hi Jane, I heard from Alex that you landed a new large business account yesterday. He said that you did an excellent job in explaining the companys benefits to the customer and that you were very professional. Alex also said that the customer asked for a quote on a new phone system for his existing offices. Have you thought about how you will proceed? Let me know if I can help you get the quote together or if you need any ideas on the configuration. Id like to get the quote to them later this week if you

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think you can manage it. That way we would have a good chance of getting the order in for this months numbers. Thanks again, and hope you are having a good Tuesday so far! Anne What is the main point of the communication? What is the requested action? How much of the communication is superfluous information? A person with a direct communication style will not necessarily glean what you want them to do or by when. They will appreciate the accolade, but they wont appreciate the personal references or information. Jane, Great job on the new account. Id like to meet for 10-15 minutes tomorrow to discuss strategy and timing. Please let me know if youd prefer to meet at 1:00, 1:30, or 2:00 pm. Thank you, Anne See the difference? The first one does eventually get around to the point, but it is too personal-sounding and doesnt give a clear request for the direct person to respond to. The second one still communicates approval and makes a request, but it does so in a much clearer way. If it seems curt to you, dont worry - the direct style person will appreciate it. Its a perfectly professional communication and there is much less chance for misunderstanding. 1.5.2. Spirited communication style People with the spirited communication style are very interested in the big picture. They are the dreamers, the inventors, and the innovators in the group. Their communication may be full of grand ideas and hyperboles that tend to be very persuasive

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to others at first. However, they are not always very good at discussing the details or the exact steps in the process. They will tend to go off on tangents in their conversations, and like to interject anecdotes into their dialogues in order to demonstrate or drive home a point. Keeping to an agenda is sometimes a challenge for those with the spirited communication style since both time management and remaining focused are challenges for this group. Their written or verbal communication may tend towards the dramatic. While they can be very entertaining, getting them to communicate clearly on specific topics may take the assistance of someone else to guide them through a conversation and keep them on track by bringing them back to the subject at hand.

People with the spirited communication style love to flesh out ideas, brainstorm, and talk about the big picture - as long as they get to do a lot of the talking! Spirited people can have a hard time nailing down the details in their wonderful ideas. They may also have a

hard time sticking to an agenda or to one topic.

Tips for Communicating if You Have a Spirited Communication Style

suggestions on how to put those ideas into action -upon agendas and time limits when in meetings -topic estions - and that you are listening Be certain any requests you make are clear and that you convey the reason for asking

Tips for Communicating with People Who Have a Spirited Communication Style

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-lists or other written reminders as a way to help communicate what needs to be done Example When communicating with someone who is spirited, it might be hard to even pin them down for communication in the first place. And once you have their attention, keeping it is another matter entirely. You will find that consistency is important in communicating with people who are spirited. If you can get them used to a particular format or method of communication, it will be easier to keep them communicating. This doesnt mean always choosing email or always choosing telephone. But it does

mean always using follow-up questions or checking in on a regular basis to see if you are both still on the same page. Also remember that a person with a spirited style may need more time to brainstorm and discuss ideas than the other communication styles. If you want them to come to the table with decisions already made, be sure to get their buy-in beforehand. Otherwise they may still find the need to discuss something that you already felt was decided. Finally, you can go a long way towards relationship-building with a spirited style person if you give them the opportunity to shine. Does your team need to make a presentation? Let the spirited person know that you think they would be a good choice to lead. Complimenting them in a public arena is a good choice as well. Heres an example of a good written communication to a spirited person. Hi Sally! I thought your presentation yesterday was fantastic! I enjoyed the way that you had the audience participate in the session. I think you would be a great choice for the educational component at our next board meeting. The Board of Directors needs some information about local economic trends, but in a way that is not too boring or complicated. Would you like to have lunch to discuss it? Im free on Thursday or Friday this week. Let me know if either of

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those days will work for you. Thanks so much! George Why would this communication work for a spirited person? It is enthusiastic, complimentary, and would be flattering to Sally. She will be pleased that you noticed her first presentation and more pleased that you would like her to repeat it. Or course, youre sure to have a very excited person on your hands at lunch. So be prepared. You could bring an outline of the topics you want to cover at the presentation. Ask for her input and make sure youve planned enough time to let her give it. Then help her narrow the ideas down and note them down for her. Sending a follow-up email or note will help ensure that you are both on the same page as well. Remember, the spirited person is very valuable for all their talents and enthusiasm - so with a little structure around your communications you can be successful in communicating without stifling the very qualities they bring to the table. 1.5.3. Systematic style Those with a systematic communication style like to focus on facts and details rather than opinions and possibilities. Expect to use and appreciate logic when you communicate with a systematic. They will appreciate facts and analysis rather than the big picture ideas that have not yet been proved useful. People with a systematic communication style will focus on facts over opinions. Communication with tangible evidence is best for systematic. They will likely be uncomfortable expressing feelings and will tend to avoid confrontation. They may be slower to respond to your communication, as they are probably analyzing the situation and constructing a logical, well thought-out response. Charts, graphs and trends are all useful tools for communicating with systematic as well. Those with a systematic communication style are uncomfortable with expressing their feelings about things and do not like conflict. They may tend to shut down communication rather than dealing with emotional or confrontational situations. If you give them directions, you will need to be very thorough and precise in relaying them.

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The more information you can give them, the happier they will be - as long as the information is relevant to the current discussion or is relevant background information. Tips for Communicating if You Have a Systematic Communication Style Recognize that not everyone follows linear thought processes and decision-making

important

collecting information that is not going to be needed

information you are working on Tips for Communicating with People with a Systematic Communication Style s of the situation rather than individuals opinions

-making

Example: When you need to communicate with a person who has the systematic communication style, remember that facts are what to emphasize. Opinions are not going to be very effective. Use logical, linear thinking and communicate in the same way. Step them through your thinking - dont jump ahead of any steps. It will save you time in the long run if you take the time to explain your argument or thoughts through the first time. If you need a systematic to make a decision, let data do the talking for you as much as possible. Have charts? Know some trends? Have examples to show how something works? All of these can be useful in communicating with a systematic person. If you are attempting to encourage a systematic to support an idea that is not supported by the data,

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you will be in for a bit of a challenge. However, you can still get their help if you can logically explain your position. Remember too that systematic types are not prone to sharing personal information with work colleagues. You shouldnt take this personally - its simply what they prefer. Yet if they do broach a personal subject with you, you can usually take it as a sign that they feel more comfortable with you than others. The example of how not to communicate with a direct communication style person is a good example of how not to communicate with someone of a systematic style as well. You could also avoid phrases like: I believe that

Instead, try using phrases like:

1.5.4. Considerate Communication Style Those with the considerate communication style are very concerned about the feelings of others. They want to please other people and to be included in their peer group. They ike to work with others, help others, and connect to others on a personal level. If there is conflict in your group, they will be the ones to attempt to mediate it. They want everyone to have the chance to speak their minds, have their turns, and receive recognition for their contribution. They are natural trainers and counselors, and enjoy helping others to succeed. They will encourage group collaboration and communication, though they are not always inclined to speak their own minds. People with a considerate communication style will be very interested in listening are and in They finding will want out how you to have and a

others

doing.

everyone

chance to speak, but might refrain from expressing their own opinions if they think it will displease others.

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This is the major communication challenge for those with the considerate personality style - they may be reluctant to share an opposing opinion, even if its important information, because they are concerned about keeping the peace and being liked. They are also inclined to take direct communication as a personal matter. Its difficult for them to separate other peoples opinions about a topic from their opinions about them, and so may feel that an opposing opinion is due to not liking them. There is also the possibility that they will be talked into something in order to preserve the peace rather than standing their ground. Figure 16 offers tips for communicating if you have a considerate communication style, and Figure 17 does the same for communicating with a person who has a considerate communication style. Tips for Communicating if You Have a Considerate Communication Style

about you

colleagues; allow others to open personal topics before asking questions

ends with everyone, but you should treat others and be treated professionally Tips for Communicating with People Who Have a Considerate Communication Style

erest in their feelings, thoughts, and personal life Encourage them to ask questions and share their opinions Let them know that you appreciate their help

Example To best communicate with someone who is a considerate communication style, remember that the persons feelings are going to be important. They will listen best when you make them feel as if their feelings are important to you, their opinion is important to

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you, and that you value them as a team member and a contributor. This doesnt mean that you have to become very emotionally expressive yourself, but

showing in interest in them as an individual will go a long way. Why not start your communication with an inquiry into how their child is doing, or how their last vacation was? The small investment of your time can have a great return. If you have something to communicate that will perhaps be perceived as a critical, you will need to tread cautiously in order to be effective. Let the person know that you appreciate their work, and name the aspects that you find valuable and good. Then note the changes that need to be made, explaining the reason for the changes as much as you can. Smile, and use open body language to let them know that there is nothing personal in what is being said. Whenever possible, use requests instead of imperatives in discussing the needed changes. For considerate style people, the example of used as how not to speak to a direct style person is actually a good one to use for a considerate style. It builds to the point easily, it shows care for the other person, and it makes a request in a friendly, personal manner.

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UNIT 2: UNDERSTANDING ONESELF AND THE OTHERS

2.1. Self Concept
2.1.1. What is your self-concept? Your self-concept is your image of who you are. It's how you perceive yourself: your feelings and thoughts about your strengths and weaknesses and your abilities and limitations. Self-concept develops from the image that others have of you and reveal to you; the comparisons you make between yourself and others; your cultural experiences in the realms of race, ethnicity, gender, and gender roles; and your evaluation of your own thoughts and behaviors. 2.1.2. Ways to develop your self-concept Others Images of Yourself If you wished to see how your hair looked, you would probably look in a mirror. But what would you do if you wanted to see how friendly or how assertive you were? According to the concept of the looking-glass self (Cooley, 1922)( you would look at the image of yourself that others reveal to you through their behaviors and especially through the way they treat you and react to you. Of course, you would not look to just anyone. Rather, you would look to those who are most important in your life-to your significant others. As a child you would look to your parents and then to your elementary school teachers, for example. As an adult you might look to your friends and romantic partners. If these significant others think highly of you, you'll see a positive image reflected in their behaviors; if they think little of you, you'll see a more negative image. Comparisons with Others Another way you develop your self-concept is to compare yourself with others, to engage in what are called social comparison processes (Festinger, 1954). Again, you don't choose just anyone. Rather, when you want to gain insight into who you are and how effective or competent you are, you look to your peers; generally to those who are distinctly similar to you (Miller, Turnbull, & McFarland, 1988) or who have approximately the same level of ability as you do (Foddy & Crundall, 1993). For example, after an examination you probably want to know how you performed

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relative to the other students in your class. This gives you a clearer idea as to how effectively you performed. If you play on a baseball team, it's important to know your batting average in comparison with the batting averages of others on the team. Your absolute scores on the exam or your batting average alone may be helpful in telling you something about your performance, but you gain a different perspective when you see your score in comparison with those of your peers. When comparing yourself to others, be careful of what's called the "false consensus effect": our tendency to overestimate the degree to which others share our attitudes and behaviors. For example, college students who smoked marijuana and took amphetamines were more likely to assume other students did likewise than were students who were not users (Wolfson, 2000). Overestimating commonality tends to validate our own attitudes and behaviors: "If others are like me, then I must be pretty normal."] Cultural Teachings Through your parents, your teachers, and the media, your culture instills in you a variety of beliefs, values, and attitudes-about success (how you define it and how you should achieve it); about the relevance of your religion, race, or nationality; and about the ethical principles you should follow in business and in your personal life. These teachings provide benchmarks against which you can measure yourself. For example, achieving what your culture defines as success will contribute to a positive selfconcept. Failure to achieve what your culture encourages (for example, being married by the time you're 30) will contribute to a negative self-concept. When you demonstrate the qualities that your culture (or your organization) teaches, you'll see yourself as a cultural success and will be rewarded by other members of the culture (or organization). Seeing yourself as culturally successful and being rewarded by others will contribute positivefy to your self-concept. When you fail to demonstrate such qualities, you're more likely to see yourself as a cultural failure and to be punished by other members of the culture, an effect that will contribute to a more negative self-concept. Your Own Interpretations and Valuations

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You also react to your own behavior; you interpret it and evaluate it.

These

interpretations and evaluations contribute to your self-concept For example, let's say you believe that lying is wrong. If you lie, you'll probably evaluate this behavior in terms of your internalized beliefs about lying and will react negatively to your own behavior. You might, for example, experience guilt as a result of your behavior's contradicting your beliefs. On the other hand, let's say that you pull someone out of a burning building at great personal risk. You will probably evaluate this behavior positively; you will feel good about this behavior and, as a result, about yourself. The more you understand why you view yourself as you do, the better you'll understand who you are. You can gain additional insight into yourselfby looking more closely at self-awareness, and especially at the]ohari model of the self.

2.2.

Self-Awareness

If you listed some of the qualities you wanted to have, self-awareness would surely rank high. Self-awareness is eminently practical: The more you understand yourself, the more you'll be able to control your thoughts and behaviors (Wilson & Hayes, 2000). 2.2.1. The Four Selves The Open Self. The open self represents all the information, behaviors, attitudes, feelings, desires, motivations, ideas, and so on that you know about yourself and that others also know. The information included here might range from your name, skin color, and gender to your age, political and religious affiliations, and job title. Your open self will vary in size depending on the individuals with whom you're dealing. Some people probably make you feel comfortable and support you. To them, you open yourself wide. To others you may prefer to leave most of yourself closed. The size of the open self also varies from person to person. Some people tend to reveal their innermost desires and feelings. Others prefer to remain silent about both significant and insignificant details. Most of us, however, open ourselves to some people about some things at some times. The Blind Self. The blind self represents information about yourself that others know but you don't. This may vary from relatively insignificant quirks-using the expression

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"you know," rubbing your nose when you get angry, or having a peculiar body odor-to something as significant as defense mechanisms, fight strategies, or repressed experiences. Communication depends in great part on both parties' having the same basic information about themselves and each other. Where blind areas exist, communication Will be difficult. Yet blind areas will always exist for each of us. Although we may be able to shrink our blind areas, we can never eliminate them. Note that a change in any one of the quadrants produces changes in the other quadrants. Visualize the size of the entire window as constant, and the size of each quadrant as variable-sometimes small, sometimes large. As you communicate with others, information is moved from one quadrant to another. So, for example, if you reveal a secret, you shrink the hidden self and enlarge the open self. These several selves, then, are not separate and distinct from one another. Rather, each depends on the others. Source: From Group Processes: An Introduction to Group Dynamics, Third Edition, by Joseph luft. Copyright C 1984, 1970, 1963 by Joseph Luft. Used with permission of The McGraw-HiD Companies. The Unknown Self. The unknown self represents those parts of yourself about which neither you nor others know. This is the information that is buried in your unconscious or that has somehow escaped notice. You gain insight into the unknown self from a variety of different sources. Sometimes this area is revealed through temporary changes brought about by drug experiences, special experimental. conditions such as hypnosis or sensoty deprivation, or various projective tests or dreams. The exploration of the unknown self through open, honest, and empathic interaction With trusted and trusting others-parents, friends, counselors, children, lovers-is an effective way of gaining insight. The Hidden Self. The hidden self contains all that you know of yourself but keep hidden from others. This area includes all your successfully kept secrets about yourself and others. At the extremes of this quadrant are overdisclosers and underdisclosers. Overdisclosers tell all, keeping nothing hidden about themselves or others. They will tell you their family history, sexual problems, financial status, goals, failures and successes, and just about everything else. Underdisclosers tell nothing.

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They will talk about you but not about themselves. Very likely you fall somewhere between these two extremes; you keep certain things hidden and you disclose other things.Likewise, you disclose to some people and not to others. You are, in effect, a selective discloser. 2.2.2. Growing in self-awareness Dialogue with Yourself. No one knows you better than you do. The problem is that you probably seldom .ask yourself about yourself. It can be uiteresting and revealing. Increasing Popularity Quite honestly, I'm not very popular with mg peers, but I really want to be. Any suggestions that can help? When we say someone is "popular" what we probably mean is that he or she is a likable person and therefore included in activities. Being liked and included is a common goal that seholars call "positive face need." How do we achieve this goal? Self-Reflection: Honest and thorough assessment of how you appear to others. Do you express appreciation for other people by talking about topics of interest to them? Do your nonverbal responses make other people comfortable? Are you aware of and willing to respond to the conversational goals of others or more interested in your own agenda? Social Action: Invest the effort it takes to develop relationships. Be aware that small talk is not small-it shows that you are interesting and interested in the other person. Initiate plans and activities. Don't always wait to be asked. Demonstrate your integrity by respecting the private information that others share with you. Listen. You can learn about yourself from seeing yourself as others do. Conveniently, others are constantly giving you the very feedback you need to increase selfawareness. In every interpersonal interaction, people comment on you in some way-on what you do, what you say, how you look. Sometimes these comments are explicit: "You really look washed-out today." Most often they're only implicit, such as a stare

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or averted eyes. Often they're "hidden" in the way others look, what they talk about, and the focus of their interest. Reduce Your Blind Self. Actively seek information to reduce your blind self. People will reveal information they know about you when you encourage them to do so. Use some of the situations that arise every day to gain self-information: "Do you think I came down too hard on the instructor today?" "Do you think I was assertive enough when I asked for the raise?" Don't, of course, seek this information constantly-if you did, your friends would quickly find others with whom to interact. But you can make use of some situations-perhaps those in which you're particularly unsure of what to do or how you appear-to reduce your blind self and increase self-awareness. See Your Different Selves. To each of your friends and relatives, you're a somewhat different person. Yet you're really all of these. Try to see yourself as do the people with whom you interact. For starters, visualize how you're seen by your mother, your father, your teacher, your best friend, the stranger you sat next to on the bus, your employer, and your. neighbor's child. Because you are, in fact, a composite of all of these views, it's important that you see yourself through the eyes of many people. lncrease Your Open Self. Self-awareness generally increases when you increase your open self. When you reveal yourself to others, you learn about yourself at the same time. You bring into clearer focus what you may have buried within. As you discuss yourself, you may see connections that you had previously missed. In receiving feedback from others, you gain still more insight. Further, by increasing your open self, you increase the likelihood that a meaningful and intimate dialogue will develop. It's through such interactions that you best get to know yourself.

2.3.

Self-Esteem

Personal self-esteem has to do with the way you feel about yourself-how much you like yourself, how valuable a person you think you are, how competent you think you are. These feelings reflect the value you place on yourself; they're a measure of your self-esteem. There's also group self-esteem, or your evaluation of yourself as a member of a particular cultural group (Porter & Washington, 1993). Personal self-esteem is influenced by your group self-esteem.

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2.3.1. The Value of Self-Esteem Anecdotal evidence strongly favors importance of self-esteem. Popular books and Magazines regularly provide you with ways to raise your self-esteem. When You feel good about your&elf-about who you are and what you're capable of doing- You perform more effectively. When you think you're a success, you're mote likely to act like a success. When you think you're a failure, you're more likely to act like a failure. Increasing your self-eSteem is thus seen as a way to help you function more effectively in school; in your interpersonal relationships, and in your career. But the scientific evidence on that connection is not conclusive. For example, many people who have extremely low self-esteem have become quite successful in all fields. 2.3.2. Ways to increase your self-esteem Here we consider a few suggestions for increasing your self-esteem: (1) Attack beliefs that are self-destructive, (2) seek out people who'll be nurturing, (3) secure affirmation, and ( 4) work on projects that will prove successful. Let's elaborate a bit on each. Attack Self-Destructive Belief Self-destructive beliefs are those beliefs that damage your self-esteem and prevent you from building meaningful and productive relationships. They may be about yourself ("I'm not creative," "I'm boring"), your world ("The world is an unhappy place," "People are out to get me"), and/or your relationships ("All the good people are already in relationships," "If I ever fall in love, I know I'll be hurt"). Identifying these beliefs will help you examine them critically and see that they're both illogical and self-defeating. A useful way to view self-destructive beliefs is given in the Building Communication Skills box entitled "Attacking Self-Defeating Drivers." Attacking Self-Defeating Drivers Another approach to unrealistic beliefs is to focus on what Pamela Butler (1981) calls drivers-beliefs that may motivate you to act in ways that are self-defeating. These drivers set unrealistically high standards and therefore almost always ensure failure. As a result, you may develop a negative self, seeing yourself as someone who constantly fails. How would you restate each of these five drivers as realistic and productive beliefs?

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1. The drive to be perfect impels you to try to perform at unrealistically high levels at 2. work, school, and home; anything short of perfection is unacceptable. 3. The drive to be strong tells you that weakness and any of the more vulnerable emotions like sadness, compassion, or loneliness are wrong. 4. The drive to please others leads you to seek approval from others; you assume that if you gain the approval of others, then you're a worthy and deserving personand that if others disapprove of you, then you're worthless and undeserving. 5. The drive to hurry up compels you to do things quickly, to try to do mote than can be reasonably expected in any given amount of time. 6. The drive to try hard makes you take on more responsibilities than any one person can be expected to handle. Seek Our Nurturing People Seek out positive, optimistic people who make you feel good about yourself. Avoid those who find fault with just about everything. Seek to build a network of supportive others (Brody, 1991). At the same time, however, realize that you do not have to be loved by everyone. Many people believe that everyone should love them. This belief traps you into thinking you must always please others so they will like you. Secure Affirmation Proponents of building self-esteem frequently recommend that you remind yourself of your successes-that you focus on your good acts; your good deeds; your positive qualities, strengths, and virtues; and your productive and meaningful relationships with friends, loved ones, and relatives (Aronson, Cohen, & Nail, 1998; Aronson, Wilson, & Akert, 1999). There are plenty of people around to remind you of your failures and of your weaknesses, so your job is to engage in self-affirmation. The idea behind this advice is that the way you talk to yourself will influence what you think of yourself. When you talk positively about yourself, you will come to feel more positive about yourself. When you tell yourself that you're a success, that others like you, that you will succeed on the next test, that you will be welcomed when asking for a date,

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you will soon come to feel positive about yourself. Self-affirmations such as the following often are recommended: I'm a worthy person, though there's room for improvement. I'm generally responsible and can be depended upon. I'm capable of loving and being loved. I deserve good things to happen to me. I can forgive myself for mistakes and misjudgments. I deserve to be treated with respect. However, not all researchers agree with this advice. Some critics argue that such affirmations-although extremely popular in self-help books-may not be very helpful; these critics contend that if you have low self-esteem, you're not going to believe yourself, because you don't have a very high opinion of yourself to begin with (Paul, 2001). The alternative to engaging in self-affirmation is seeking to secure affirmation from others. You can do this by, for example, becoming more interpersonally competent and by interacting with more positive people. In this way you'll get more positive feedback from others. And positive feedback, according to this view, is more helpful than self-talk in raising self-esteem. Work on Projects That Will Result in Success Try to select projects that you can complete successfully. Success builds self-esteem. Each success makes achieving the next one a little easier. Remember, too, that the failure of a project is not the failure of you as a person; failure is something that happens, not something inside you. Everyone faces defeat somewhere along the line. Successful people are those who know how to deal with setbacks. Further, one defeat does not mean you'll fail the next time. Put failure in perspective, and don't make it an excuse for not trying again. Another activity that has been shown to contribute to selfesteem is exercise. In a study of adults between the ages of 60 and 75, those who exercised-and it didn't matter what exercise it was-increased their self-esteem. The exercise seems to have made the individuals feel better physically; this gave them a feeling of increased physical strength and hence control over their environment (McAuley, Blissmer, Katula, Duncan, & Mihalko, 2000).

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2.4.

Self-Disclosure

2.4.1. What is Self-Disclosure? Self-disclosure is communication in which you reveal information about yourself. Because self-disclosure is a type of communication, it includes not only overt statements but also, for example, slips of the tongue and unconscious nonverbal signals. It varies from whispering a secret to a best friend to making a public confession on a television talk show Oourard, 1968, 1971a, b; Petronio, 2000). Although by definition self-disqlosure may refer to any information about the self, the term is most often used to refer to information that you normally keep hidden rather than simply to information that you have not previously revealed. Before reading further about self-disclosure, its rewards and dangers, and the guidelines to consider before disclosing, explore your own willingness to disclose by taking the following self-test. 2.4.2. Factors Influencing Self-Disclosure The most important factors influencing self-disclosure are who you are, who your listeners are, and the topic of the impending self-disclosure. Yourself. Age influences self-disclosure. Researchers have found that people selfdisclose more when they talk with those who are approximately the same age (Collins & Gould, 1994). For example, the level of intimacy seems to be more similar in similar-age dyads (groups of two people) than in differing-age dyads. People who are competent and high in self-esteem disclose more than do those who are less competent and lower in self-esteem, perhaps because they're more confident and have more positive things to disclose than do less competent people (McCroskey & Wheeless, 1976). Naturally enough, highly sociable and extroverted people disclose more than those who are less sociable and more introverted. People who are apprehensive about talking in general also disclose less than do those who are more comfortable in oral communication (Dolgin, Meyer, & Schwartz, 1991). Your listener. Self-disclosure is more likely to occur between people who like and trust each other than between those who don't. People you like are probably more supportive and positive, qualities that encourage self-disclosure (Derlega, Winstead,

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Wong, & Greenspan, 1987; Wheeless & Grotz, 1977; Petronio & Bantz, 1991). Interestingly, not only do you disclose to those you like; you probably also come to like those to whom you disclose (Berg & Archer, 1983). Your relationship with the listener also will influence disclosure. At times self-disclosure is more likely to occur in temporary than in permanent relationships-for example, between strangers on a train or plane, a kind of "in-flight intimacy" (McGill, 1985). In this situation two people often establish an intimate self-disclosing relationship during some brief travel period, knowing that they will never see each other again. In a similar way, you might set up a relationship with one or several people on the Internet and engage in significant disclosure. Perhaps knowing that you 'll never see these other people, and that they will never know where you live or work or what you look like, makes it a bit easier. Some research indicates that self-disclosure occurs more quickly and at higher levels of intimacy online than in face-to-face situations Ooinson, 2001; Levine, 2000). Other research, however, finds that people experience greater closeness and selfdisclosure in face-to-face groups than in Internet chat groups (Mallen, Day, & Green, 2003). Self-disclosure occurs more in small groups than in large groups. Dyads are the most hospitable setting for self-disclosure. With one listener, you can attend carefully to the Person's responses. On the basis of this support or lack of support, you can monitor your disclosures, continuing if the situation is supportive and stopping if it's not. You are also more likely to disclose to in-group members than to members of groups of which you are not a member. For example, people from the same race are likely to disclose more to one another than to members of another race, and people with disabilities are more likely to disclose to others with disabilities than to those without disabilities (Stephan, Stephan, Wenzel, & Cornelius, 1991). Your Topic. If you're like the people studied by researchers, you're more likely to disclose about some topics than about others. For example, you're more likely to selfdisclose information about your job, hobbies, interests, attitudes, and opinions on politics and religion than about your sex life, financial situation, personality, or interpersonal relationships Oourard, 1968, 1971a). These topic differences have been

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found for people from Great Britain, Germany, the United States, and Puerto Rico Oourard, 1971a). You're likely also to disclose favorable information more readily than unfavorable information. Generally, the more personal and the more negative the topic, the less likely you are to self-disclose-and this is true for both men and women (Nakanishi, 1986; Naifeb & Smith, 1984). Further, you're more likely to disclose information that reflects positively on the other person than information that reflects negatively (Shimanoff, 1985). 2.4.3. Deciding about Self-Disclosure Rewards of Self-Disclosure Self-Knowledge. When you disclose, you gain a new perspective on yourself and a deeper understanding of your own behavior. In therapy, for example, often the insight comes while the client is self-disclosing. He or she may recognize some previously unknown facet of behavior or relationship. Through self-disclosure, then, you also may come to understand yourself more thoroughly. Coping Abilities. Self-disclosure may help you deal with your problems, especially guilt. One of the great fears many people have is that they will not be accepted because of some deep, dark secret, because of something they have done, or because of some feeling or attitude they have. By disclosing such feelings and receiving support rather than rejection, you may become better able to deal with any such guilt and perhaps reduce or even eliminate it (Pennebaker, 1991). Communication Efficiency. Self-disclosure may help improve communication. You understand the messages of others largely to the extel}t that you understand the senders of those messages. You can understand what someone says better if you know that individual well. You can tell what certain nuances mean; when the person is serious and when joking; when the person is being sarcastic out of fear and when out of resentment. Self-disclosure is an essential condition for getting to know another individual. Relational Depth. Self-disclosure is often helpful for establishing a meaningful relationship between two people. Research has found, for example, that marital satisfaction is greater for couples who are mid- to high self-disclosers and significantly less in low-disclosing relationships (Rosenfeld & Bowen, 1991). Further,

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within a sexual relationship, self-disclosure increases sexual rewards and general relationship satisfaction; these two benefits, in turn, increase sexual satisfaction (Byers & Demmons, 1999). Without self-disclosure, relatioDshlps of any meaningful depth seem difficult if not impossible. By self-disclosing in dyadic communication (communication between two people), you tell others that you trust them, respect them, and care enough about them and your relationship to reveal yourself to them. This in tum leads the other individual to self-disclose and forms at least the start of a meaningful relationship: a relationship that is honest and open and goes beyond surface trivialities. Dangers of communication In March 1995 television talk show host jenny Jones did a show on self-disclosing your secret crushes. One panelist, Scott Amedure, disclosed his crush on another man, jonathan Schmitz. Three days after the taping of the show-a show that was never aired-Scott Amedure was shot in his home. The police-arrested Schmitz and charged him with murder (New York Times, March 19, 1995, Section 4, p. 16). Although this is an extreme demonstration of the dangers of self-disclosure, there are many everyday risks to self-disclosing (Bochner, 1984). Remember too that self-disclosure, like any communication, is irreversible. Regardless of how many times you may try to "take it back," once something is said it can't be withdrawn. Nor can you erase the conclusions and inferences listeners have made on the basis of your disclosures. Here, then, are a few potential dangers to keep in mind when you consider disclosing. Personal and Social Rejection. Usually you self-disclose to someone you trust to be supportive. Sometimes, however, the person you think will be supportive may tum out to reject you. Parents, normally the most supportive of all in interpersonal relations, have frequently rejected children who self-disclosed their homosexuality, their plans to marry someone of a different race, or their belief in another faith. Your best friends and your closest intimates may reject you for similar self-disclosures. Material Loss. Sometimes, self-disclosures result in material losses. Politicians who disclose inappropriate relationships with staff members may later find that their own political party no longer supports them and that voters are unwilling to vote for them. Professors who disclose forme or present drug-taking behavior or cohabitation with

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students may find themselves denied tenure, forced to teach undesirable schedules, and eventually let go because of ''budget cuts." In the corporate world, self-disclosures of alcoholism or drug addiction are often met with dismissal, demotion, or transfer. Intrapersonal Difficulties. When other people's reactions are not as expected, intrapersonal difficulties may result. When you're rejected instead of supported, when your parents say that you disgust them instead of hugging you, or when your friends ignore you at school rather than seeking you out as before, you're in line for some intrapersonal difficulties. Loss of Power. The more you reveal about yourself to others, the more areas of your life you expose to possible attack. Especially in the competitive context of work (or even romance), the more others know about you, the more they'll be able to use against you, and the more power they will have over you. This simple fact has prompted one power watcher (Korda, 1975, p. 302) to advise that you "never reveal all of yourself to other people, [but] hold something back in reserve so that people are never quite sure if they really know you." This advice is not to suggest that you necessarily be secretive; rather, it advocates "remaining slightly mysterious, as if you were always capable of doing something surprising and unexpected." 2.4.4. Guidelines for Self-Disclosure Decide about Whether and How to Self-Disclosure. In addition to weighing the potential rewards and dangers of self-disclosure already discussed, consider the following guidelines; they will help raise the right questions before you make what must be your decision. Consider your motivation for self-disclosure. Self-disclosure should be motivated by a concern for the relationship, for the others involved, and for oneself. Some people self-disclose out of a desire to hurt the listener. Persons who tell their parents that they never loved them or that the parents hindered their emotional development may be disclosing out of a desire to hurt and perhaps punish rather than to improve the relationship. Neither, of course, should you use self-disclosure to punish yourself, perhaps because of some guilt feeling or unresolved conflict. Self-disclosure should serve a useful and productive function for all persons involved.

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Consider the appropriateness of the self-disclosure. Self-disclosure should be appropriate to the context and to the relationship between you and your listener. Before making any significant self-disclosure, ask whether this is the right time and place. Could a better time and place be arranged? Ask, too, whether this selfdisclosure is appropriate to the relationship. Generally, the more intimate the disclosures, the closer the relationship should be. It's probably best to resist intimate disclosures (especially negative ones) with casual acquaintances or in the early stages of a relationship. Consider the disclosures of the other person. During your disclosures, give the other person a chance to reciprocate with his or her own disclosures. If reciprocal disclosures are not made, reassess your own self-disclosures. The absence of reciprocity may be a signal that for this person at this time and in this context, your disclosures are not welcome or appropriate. So it's generally best to disclose gradually and in small increments. When you disclose too rapidly and all at once, you can't monitor your listener's responses and retreat if they're not positive enough. Further, you prevent the listener from responding with his or her own disclosures and thereby upset the natural balance that is so helpful in this kind of communication exchange. Consider the possible burdens self-disclosure might entail. Carefully weigh any potential problems that you may incur as a result of your disclosure. Can you afford to lose your job if you disclose your prison record? Are you willing to risk relational difficulties if you disclose your infidelities? Also, ask yourself whether you're making unreasonable demands on the listener. For example, consider the person who swears his or her mother-in-law to secrecy and then self-discloses having an affair with a neighbor. This disclosure places an unfair burden on the mother-in-law, who is now torn between breaking her promise of secrecy and allowing her child to believe a lie. Parents often place unreasonable burdens on their children by self-disclosing relationship problems, financial difficulties, or self-doubts-not realizing that the children may be too young or too emotionally involved to deal effectively with this information.

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Facilitating and Responding to the Self-Disclosures of Others. When someone discloses to you, it's usually a sign of trust and affection. In serving this most important receiver function, keep the following guidelines in mind. These guidelines will also help you facilitate the disclosures of another person. Practice the skills of effective and active listening. The skills of effective listening are especially important when you are listening to self-disclosures: listen actively, listen for different levels of meaning, listen with empathy, and listen with an open mind. Support and reinforce the discloser. Express support for the person during and after the disclosures. Try to refrain from evaluation. Concentrate on understanding and empathizing with the discloser. Allow the discloser to choose the pace; don't rush the discloser with too-frequent "So how did it all end?" responses. Make your supportiveness clear to the discloser through your verbal and nonverbal responses: Maintain eye contact, lean toward the speaker, ask relevant questions, and echo the speaker's thoughts and feelings. Be willing to reciprocate. When you make relevant an appropriate disclosures of your own in response to the other person's disclosures, youre demonstrating your understanding of the other's meanings and at the same time a willingness to communicate on this meaningful level. Keep the disclosures confidential. When a person discloses to you, it's because she or he wants you to know the feelings and thoughts that are communicated. If you reveal these disclosures to others, negative effects are inevitable. Revealing what was said will probably inhibit future disclosures by this individual in general and to you in particular, and it's likely that your relationship will suffer considerably. But most importantly, betraying a confidence is unfair; it debases what could be and should be a meaningful interpersonal experience. It's interesting to note that one of the "netiquette" rules of e-mail is that you shouldn't forward mail to third parties without the writer's permission. This rule is a useful one for self;disclosure generally: Maintain confidentiality; don't pass on disclosures made to you to others without the person's permission.

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Don't use the disclosures against the person. Many self-disclosures expose some kind of vulnerability or weakness. If you later turn around and use disclosures against the person, you betray the confidence and trust invested in you. Regardless of how angry you may get, resist the temptation to use the disclosures of others as weapons-the relationship is sure to suffer and may never fully recover. Resisting Pressure to Self-Disclose. You may, on occasion, find yourself in a position in which a friend, colleague, or romantic partner is pressuring you to self-disclose. In such situations you may wish to weigh the pros and cons of self-disclosure, then make your decision as to whether and what you'll disclose. If your decision is to not disclose and you're still being pressured, then you need to say something. Here are a few suggestions. Don't be pushed. Although there may be certain legal or ethical reasons for disclosing, generally, if you don't want to disclose, you don't have to. Don't be pushed into disclosing because others are doing it or because someone asks you to. Realize that you're in control of what you reveal, and to whom and when you reveal it. Self-disclosure has significant consequences, so if you're not sure you want to reveal something-at least not until you've had additional time to think about it-then don't. Be indirect and move to another topic. Avoid the question. that seeks disclosure and change the subject. This can be a polite way of saying, "I'm not talking about it," and may be the preferred choice in certain situations and with certain people. Most often people will get the hint and will understand your refusal to disclose. If they don't, then you may have to be more direct and assertive. If necessary, be assertive in your refusal to disclose. Say, very directly, "I'd rather not talk about that now" or "Now is not the time for this type of discussion."

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CHAPTER 3: CULTURES AND COMMUNICATION

3.1. Intercultural communication
The Model of Intercultural Communication

Intercultural communication is communication between persons who have different cultural beliefs, values, or ways of behaving. The larger circles represent the cultures of the individual communicators. The inner circles identify the communicators (the sources-receivers). In this model each communicator is a member of a different culture. In some instances the cultural differences are relatively slight-say, between persons from Toronto and New York. In other instances the cultural differences are great-say, between persons from Borneo and Germany, or between persons from rural Nigeria and industrialized England. All messages originate from a specific and unique cultural context, and that context influences their content and form. You communicate as you do largely as a result of your culture. Culture (along with the processes of enculturation and acculturation) influences every aspect of your communication experience. And, of course, you receive messages through the filters imposed by a unique culture. Cultural filters, like filters on a camera, color the messages you receive. They influence what you receive and how you receive it. For example, some cultures rely heavily on television or newspapers for their news and trust them implicitly. Others rely on face-to-face interpersonal interactions, distrusting any of the mass communication systems. Some look to religious leaders as guides to behavior; others generally ignore them.

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The term intercultural is used broadly to refer to all forms of communication among persons from different groups as well as to the more narrowly defined area of communication between different cultures. The model of intercultural communication applies equally to communication between a smaller culture and the dominant or majority culture, communication between different smaller cultures, and

communication between a variety of other groups. The following types of communication may all be considered "intercultural" and, more important, subject to the same barriers and gateways to effective communication identified in this chapter: Communication between cultures-for example, between Chinese and Portuguese, or between French and Norwegian. Communication between races (sometimes called interracial communication), for example, between African Americans and Asian Americans. Communication between ethnic groups (sometimes called interethnic communication)-for example, between Italian Americans and German Americans. Communication between people of different religions-for example, between Roman Catholics and Episcopalians, or between Muslims and jews. Communication between nations (sometimes called international

communication,)- for example, between the United States and Argentina, or between China and Italy. Communication between smaller cultures existing within the larger culture-for example, between doctors and patients, or between research scientists and the general public. Communication between a smaller culture and the dominant culture-for example, between homosexuals and heterosexuals, or between older people and the younger majority. Communication between genders-between men and women. Some researchers would consider intergender communication as a separate area-as a form of intercultural communication only when the two people are also from different races or nationalities. But gender roles are largely learned through culture, so it

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seems useful to consider male-female communication as intercultural (Tannen, 1994a, b). That is, even though gender itself is transmitted genetically and not by communication, it is cultures that teach boys and girls different attitudes, beliefs, values, and ways of communicating and relating to one another (Payne, 2001). You act like a man or a woman partly because of what your culture has taught you about how men and women should act. Further, you can view male-female communication as cross-cultural because of the numerous differences in the way men and women speak and listen (Eckstein & Goldman, 2001). This does not deny that biological differences also play a role. In fact, research continues to uncover biological roots of behaviors once thought to be entirely learned, such as happiness and shyness (McCroskey, 1997). Regardless of your own cultural background, you will surely come into close contact with people from a variety of other cultures-people who speak different languages, eat different foods, practice different religions, and approach work and relationships in very different ways. It doesn't matter whether you're a longtime resident or a newly arrived immigrant: You are or soon will be living, going. to school, working, and forming relationships with people who are from very different cultures. Your day-today experiences are sure to become increasingly intercultural.

3.2. Understanding and managing cultural differences

3.2.1. What is cultural difference? Cultural differences are the variations in the way of life, beliefs, traditions and laws between different countries, religions, societies and people. Many people see culture as an all encompassing overview of large groups of people. However, the word culture can be used to describe the way of life of much smaller groups.

The most common meaning of culture, as suggested, is that of large groups of people and how their lifestyles and beliefs differ; this is where cultural differences come in. here we live and what we believe has a great impact on all aspects of our life whether we realize it or not. Some of the differences between cultures are enforced by internal rules (such as legal age of marriage) whereas others just happen through many years of development towards a certain way over another (e.g. Eating with knives and

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forks). Some examples of cultural differences include: - Clothing - Many cultures can be identified by their clothing. For example, Sikh men who wear turbans. - Food - Some cultures are not allowed to eat pork. Most cultures have traditional dishes. For example, in the UK they eat a Sunday roast and Full English Breakfast. - Language - Different countries tend to have their own language and methods of communication. However, there are also sub cultural differences, such as regional accents or sign language. - Rules/ Laws - Cultures can often be recognized by the regulations they have to live by. However, lesser known rules can prove problematic. For example, tourists unaware of local custom may be arrested for inappropriate behavior.

Cultural differences are important to identity and to provide us with a sense of belonging. A person's culture is often very important to them and will have usually been a part of them since birth. Like the classic Russian doll, larger groups such as continents, countries, cities, towns, villages and varying demographics of the inhabitants therein may each house their own culture, and so with so many differing cultures and sub-cultures through-out the world there are bound to be misunderstandings when it comes to interpretation of cultural differences. It is by knowing the meaning of cultural differences that such situations can be avoided. 3.2.2. Seven cultural dimensions A culture distinguishes itself from others by preferring one side of a dilemmas continuum. The seven, universal dimensions of cultures are:

1. UNIVERSALISM versus PLURALISM What is more important rules or relationships?-The degree of importance a culture assigns to either the law or to personal relationships. In a universalistic culture, people share the belief that general rules, codes, values and standards take precedence over the needs and claims of friends and other relationships. In a pluralistic culture, people see culture in terms of human friendship and intimate relationships. While rules do exist in a pluralistic culture, they merely codify how people relate to one

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another. 2. INDIVIDUALISM versus COMMUNITARISNISM Do we function as a group or as individuals?

The degree to which people see themselves function more as a community or more as individuals. In a principally individualistic culture, people place the individual before the community. This means that individual happiness, fulfillment and welfare prevails and people take their own initiative and take care of themselves. In a principally communitarian culture, people place the community before the individual. Thus, it is the responsibility of the individual to act in ways which serve society. In doing so, individual needs are automatically attended. 3. SPECIFIC versus DIFFUSE How far to we get involved?- The degree to which responsibility is specifically assigned or is diffusely accepted. In a specific culture, people first analyze the elements individually and then put them together, the whole is the sum of its parts. Peoples lives are divided accordingly and, only a single component can be entered at a time. Interactions between people are very well-defined. Specific individuals concentrate on hard facts, standards and contracts. A diffusely oriented culture starts with the whole and sees individual elements from the perspective of the total. All elements are related to one another. Relationships between elements are more important than individual elements. 4. AFFECTIVITY versus NEUTRALITY Do we display our emotions?- The degree to which individuals display their emotions. In an affective culture, people display their emotions and it is not deemed necessary to hide feelings. However, in a neutral culture, people are taught not to display their feelings overtly. The degree to which feelings become manifested is therefore minimal. While emotions are felt, they are controlled.

5. INNER DIRECTED versus OUTER DIRECTED Do we control our environment or work with it?- The degree to which individuals believe the environment can be controlled versus believing that the environment controls them. In an inner-directed culture, people have a mechanistic view of nature; nature is complex but can be controlled with the right expertise. People believe that

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humans can dominate nature, if they make the effort. In an outer-directed culture, people have an organic view of nature. Mankind is viewed as one of natures forces and should therefore live in harmony with the environment. People therefore adapt themselves to external circumstances. 6. ACHIEVED STATUS versus ASCRIBED STATUS Do we have to prove ourselves to receive status or is it given to us?- The degree to which individuals must prove themselves to receive status versus status simply given to them. In a culture with achieved status, people derive their status from what they have accomplished. Achieved status must be proven time and time again and status will be given accordingly. In a culture with ascribed status, people derive their status from birth, age, gender or wealth. Here status is not based on achievement but it is accorded on the basis of the persons being. 7. SEQUENTIAL TIME versus SYNCHRONIC TIME Do we do things one at a time or several things at once?- The degree to which individuals do things one at a time versus several things at once. Cultures developed their own response to time. Time orientation has two aspects: the relative importance cultures assign to the past, present and future, and their approach to structuring time. In a sequential culture, people structure time sequentially and do things one at a time. In a synchronic time culture, people do several things at once, believing time is flexible and intangible. The seven dilemmas help managers better understand the other side e.g. when trying to make trans-national projects or mergers work. Better understanding reduces the number of cultural driven misunderstandings and conflicts thereby reducing coordination costs. The model helps marketers understand how consumers in different countries behave differently towards the same product.

3.3. Improving cultural communication

3.3.1. Prepare Yourself Theres no better preparation for intercultural communication than learning about the other culture. Fortunately, there are numerous sources to draw on. View a video or film that presents a realistic view of the culture. Scan magazines and websites about other cultures. Talk with members of the culture. Chat on international IRC channels.

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Read materials addressed to people who need to communicate with those from other cultures. The easiest way to do this is to search the online bookstores. Another part of this preparation is to recognize and face fears that may stand in the way of effecq.ve intercultural communication (Gudykunst, 1991; Stephan & Stephan, 1985). For example, you may fear for your self-esteem. You may be anxious about your ability to control the intercultural situation, or you may worry about your own level of discomfort. You may fear saying something that will be considered politically incorrect or culturally insensitive and thereby losing face. You may fear that you'll be taken advantage of by a member of the other culture. Depending on your own stereotypes, you may fear being lied to, financially duped, or made fun of. You may fear that members of this other group will react to you negatively. You may fear, for example, that they will not like you or will disapprove of your attitudes or beliefs or perhaps even reject you as a person. Conversely, you may fear negative reactions from members of your own group. They might, for example, disapprove of your socializing with culturally different people. Some fears, of course, are reasonable. In many cases, however, fears are groundless. Either way, you need to assess your concerns logically and weigh their consequences carefully. Then you'll be able to make informed choices about your communications. 3.3.2. Reduce your ethnocentrism Before reading about reducing ethnocentrism, examine your own cultural thinking by taking the self-test on the previous page. As you've probably gathered from taking this test, ethnocentrism is the tendency to see others and their behaviors through your own cultural filters, often as distortions of your own behaviors. It's the tendency to evaluate the values, beliefs, and behaviors of your own culture as superior; as more positive, logical, and natural than those of other cultures. To achieve effective interpersonal communication, you need to see yourself and others as different but as neither inferior nor superior-not a very easily accomplished task. Ethnocentrism exists on a continuum. People are not either ethnocentric or nonethnocentric; rather, most people are somewhere along the continuum, and we're all ethnocentric to at least some degree. Most important for our purposes is that your degree of ethnocentrism will influence your interpersonal (intercultural) communications.

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The ethnocentrism continuum Drawing from several researchers (Lukens, 1978; Gudykunst & Kim, 1992; Gudykunst, 1991), this table summarizes some interconnections between

ethnocentrism and communication. The table identifies five levels of ethnocentrism; the general terms under "Communication Distances" characterize the major communication attitudes that dominate the various levels. Under "Communications" are some ways people might behave given their particular degree of ethnocentrism. How would you rate yourself on this scale?
The Ethnocentrism Continuum
DEGREES OF ETHNOCENTRISM Low COMMUNICATION DISTANCE Equality COMMUNICATIONS Treats others as equals; evaluates other ways of doing things as equal to own ways. Wants to decrease distance between self and others Lacks concern for others but is not hostile Avoids and limits interpersonal interactions with others; prefers to be with own kind Engages in hostile behavior; belittles others; views own culture as superior to other cultures

Sensitivity Indifference Avoidance

High

Disparagement

3.3.3. Avoid Overattribution Qverattribution is the tendency to attribute too much of a persons behavior or attitudes to one of that persons characteristics ("She thinks that way because she's a woman, He believes that he was raised a Catholic"). In intercultural communication situations, overattribution takes two forms. First, it's the tendency to see too much of what a person believes or does as caused by the person's cultural identification. Second, it's the tendency to see a person as a spokesperson for his or her particular culture-for example, to assume because a man is African American (as in the accompanying cartoon) that he is therefore knowledgeable about the entire African American experience or that his thoughts are always focused on African American issues. People's ways of thinking and ways of behaving are influenced by a wide variety of factors; culture is only one factor of many.

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3.3.4. Reduce Uncertainty All communication interactions involve uncertainty and ambiguity. Not surprisingly, his uncertainty and ambiguity is greater when there are wide cultural differences (Berger & Bradac, 1982; Gudykunst, 1989, 1993). Because of this, in intercultural communication it takes more time and effort to reduce uncertainty and thus to communicate meaningfully. Reducing your uncertainty about another person is worth the effort, however; it not only will make your communication more effective but also will increase your liking for the person (Douglas, 1994). Techniques such as active listening and perception checking help you check on the accuracy of your perceptions and allow you to revise and amend any incorrect perceptions. Also, being specific reduces ambiguity and the chances of misunderstandings; misunderstanding is a lot more likely if you talk about "neglect" (a highly abstract concept) than if you refer to "forgetting my last birthday" (a specific event). Finally, seeking feedback helps you correct any possible misconceptions almost immediately. Seek feedback on whether you're making yourself clear ("Does that make sense?" "Do you see where to put the widget?"). Similarly, seek feedback to make sure you understand what the other person is saying ("Do you mean that you'll never speak with them again? Do you mean that literally?"). Recognize Differences To communicate interculturally, you need to recognize the differences between ourself and people who are culturally different, the differences within the culturally different group, and the numerous differences in meaning that arise from cultural differences. Differences between yourself and culturally- different People. A common barrier to intercultural communication is the assumption that similarities exist but that differences do not. For example, although you may easily accept different hairstyles, clothing, and foods, you may assume that in basic values and beliefs, everyone is really alike. But that's not necessarily true. When you assume similarities and ignore differences, you'll fail to notice important distinctions. As a result, you'll risk communicating to others that your ways are the right ways and that their ways are not important to you. Consider: An American invites a Filipino

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coworker to dinner. The Filipino politely refuses. The American is hurt, feels that the Filipino does not want to be friendly, and does not repeat the invitation. The Filipino is hurt and concludes that the invitation was not extended sincerely. Here, it seems, both the American and the Filipino assume that their customs for inviting people to dinner are the same-when, in fact, they aren't. A Filipino expects to be invited several times before accepting a dinner invitation. In the Philippines, an invitation given only once is viewed as insincere. Differences within the culturally different group. Within every cultural groupthere are wide and important differences. Just as all Americans are not alike, neither are all Indonesians, Greeks, Mexicans, and so on. When you ignore these differences when you assume that all persons covered by the same label (in this case a national or racial label) are the same-you're guilty of stereotyping. A good example of this is the use of the term "African American." The term stresses the unity of Africa and those who are of African descent and is analogous to "Asian American" or "European American." At the same time, if the term is used in the same sense as "German American" or "Japanese American,'' it ignores the great diversity within the African continent. More analogous terms would be "Nigerian American" or "Ethiopian American." Within each culture there are smaller cultures that differ greatly from one another and from the larger culture as well as from other large cultures. Differences in meaning. Meanings exist not in words but in people. Consider, for example, the different meanings of the word woman to an American and a Muslim, farmer and a Madison Avenue advertising executive. Even though different groups may use the same word, its meanings will vary greatly depending on the listeners' cultural definitions. Similarly, nonverbal messages have different meanln.gs in different cultures. For example, a left-handed American who eats with the left hand may be seen by a Muslim as obscene. Muslims do not use the left hand for eating or for shaking hands but to solely clean themselves after excretory functions. So using the left hand to eat or to shake hands is considered insulting and obscene. Adjust your communication. Adjust your communication

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Intercultural communication (in fact, all interpersonal communication) takes place only to the extent that you and the person you're trying to communicate with share the same system of symbols. Your interaction will be hindered to the extent that your language and nonverbal systems differ. Therefore, it's important to adjust your communication to compensate for cultural differences. This principle takes on particular relevance when you realize that even within a given culture, no two persons share identical symbol systems. Parents and children, for example, not only have different vocabularies but also, even more important, associate different meanings with some of the terms they both use. People in close relationships-either as intimate friends or as romantic partners-realize that learning the other person's signals takes a long time and, often, great patience. If you want to understand what another person means-by smiling, by saying "I love you," by arguing about trivial matters, by selfdeprecating comments-you have to learn the person's system of signals. In the same way, part of the art of intercultural communication is learning the other culture's signals, how they're used, and what they mean. Furthermore, you have to share your own system of signals with others so that they can better understand you. Although some people may know what you mean by your silence or by your avoidance of eye contact, others may not. You cannot expect others to decode your behaviors accurately without help. Adjusting your communication is especially important in intercultural situations, largely because people from different cultures use different signals-or sometimes use the same signals to signify quite different things. For example, focused eye contact means honesty and openness in much of the United States. But in Japan and in many Hispanic cultures, that same behavior may signify arrogance or disrespect, particularly engaged in by a youngster with someone significantly older. Communication accommodation theory holds that speakers will adjust or accommodate to the communication style of their listeners in order to interact more pleasantly and efficiently (Giles, Mulac, Bradac, &johnson, 1987). You adjust your messages, and recognize that each culture has its own rules and customs for communication (Barna, l997; Ruben, 1985; Spitzberg, 1991). These rules identify what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. Thus, for example, in U.S. culture you

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would call a person you wished to date three or four days in advance. In certain Asian cultures you might call the person's parents weeks or even months in advance. In U.S. culture you say, as a general friendly gesture and not as a Specific invitation, "come over and pay us a visit sometime." To members of other cultures, this comment is sufficient to prompt the listeners actually to visit at their convenience. Recognize Cultural Shock Culture shock is the psychological reaction you experience when you encounter a culture very different from your own (Fumham & Bochner, 1986). Culture shock is normal; most people experience it when entering a new and different culture. Going away to college, moving in together, or joining the military, for example, can also result in culture shock. Nevertheless, it can be unpleasant and frustrating. Entering a new culture often engenders the feelings of alienation, conspicuousness and difference from everyone else. When you lack knowledge of the rules and customs of the new society, you cannot communicate effectively. You're apt to blunder frequently and seriously. In your culture shock you may not know basic things: how to ask someone for a favor or pay someone a compliment how to eXtend or accept an invitation how early or how late to arrive for an appointment, or how long to stay how to distinguish seriousness from playfulness and politeness from indifference how to dress for an informal, formal, or business function how to order a meal in a restaurant or how to summon a waiter Culture shock occurs in four general stages, which apply to a wide variety of encounters with the new and the different (Oberg, 1960). Stage One: The honeymoon. At first you experience fascination, even enchantment. With the new culture and its people, you finally have your own apartment. You're your own boss. Finally, on your own! Among people who are culturally different, the early (and superficial) relationships of this stage are characterized by cordialtty and friendship. Many tourists remain at this stage, because their stays in foreign countries are so brief.

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Stage Two: The crisis. In the crisis stage the differences between your own culture and the new one create problems. For example, students no longer find dinner ready or thetr clothes washed or ironed unless they do them themselves. Feelings of frustration and inadequacy come to the fore. This is the stage at which you experience the actual shock of the new culture. For example, in a study of students from more than 100 countries who were studying in 11 foreign countries, 25 percent of the students experienced depression (Klineberg & Hull, 1979). Stage Three: The recovery. During the recovery period you gain the skills necessary to function effectively in the new culture. You learn how to shop, cook, and plan a meal. You find a local laundry and figure you'll learn how to iron later. You learn the language and ways of the society. Your feelings of inadequacy subside. Stage Four: The Adjustment. At the final stage you adjust to and come to enjoy the new culture and the new experiences. You may still experience periodic difficulties and strains, but on a whole, the experience is pleasant. Actually, you're now a pretty decent cook. You're even coming to enjoy it. And you're making a good salary, so why learn to iron? People also may experience a kind of reverse culture shock when they return to their original culture after living in a foreign culture Oandt, 2000). Consider, for example, Peace Corps volunteers who work in economically deprived rural areas around the world. On returning to Las Vegas or Beverly Hills, they too may experience culture shock. Sailors who serve long periods aboard ship and then return to, for example, isolated farming communities may also experience culture shock. In these cases, however, the recovery period is shorter and the sense of inadequacy and frustration is less.

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CHAPTER 4: VERBAL AND NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

4.1. Verbal communication
4.1.1. The nature of language One of the chief ways we express our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes').s through verbal communication. Verbal messages are constructed first by selecting words and then by sending them. Words are symbols that represent things-our feelings, names for the objects around us, and explanations for behaviors. Words collected together and understood by a large group form a language. Knowledge of this language makes it possible for us to recognize the symbols (words) others use to send their messages. Language is an arbitrary system of symbols that is governed by rules and conveys power. Language is Symbolic. Symbols represent something else. Nonverbal messages are symbolic even though they may not contain words. Words are symbols that represent our thoughts, feelings, and ideas in a specific context or relationship. How do you tell someone you love about your feelings? You could send the message nonverbally through a kiss, hug, or tender touch. Verbally, you could just say, "I love you." Sometimes, however, this seems like such a dramatic statement, especially the first time you say it. Thus, we can communicate our feelings with other symbols such as "I care about you" or "I missed you while you were away." Depending on the relationship and the context, these symbols couid certainly communicate "love." Words help us to communicate effectively because they represent both abstract and concrete things. In our society, we have freedom, democracy, and justice. These words represent abstract principles. Words such as school, computer, and dog represent concrete things that we can actually see, touch, or hear. Languagt Is an Arbitrary System of Symbols. Language is arbitrary because its meaning can change depending on the speaker, audience, and context. The meanings for words are constantly changing and evolving. In addition, new words are created every day. In fact, the Oxford English Dictionary "records about 90,000 new words (and meanings of old words) that have entered the English language in the last 100

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years" Oohnson, 2000, p. 6). In 2005, for example, 58 new words were added to the Webster's New World College Dictionary.These included wedgie, AI Qaeda, blog, cargo pants, irritable bowel syndrome, and partial birth abortion (Associated Press, 2005). Furthermore, we can choose to alter the meanings of words. Let's look at Professor Nadesan's class. Professor Nadesan pointed to a table at the front of the room and asked, "What is this?" The students said, "It's a table," "It's a desk." Professor Nadesan sat on the table and said, "Now what is it?" A student replied, "It's a chair." Then she stood on it as if to change a light bulb and the class said, "Now it's a step stool" Professor Nadesan said, "Okay, which label is the right one?" The class was stumped. All the labels seemed like the right one. "Correct," she said. "All the labels are correct. It just depends on the context." Meanings for words have changed over the years and within groups. For example, think about the words cool and bad. Cool once only meant a type of temperature. One might say, "This soup is supposed to be hot, but it is cool." Now, however, cool means something we like, and we might say, "The new Pink CD is cool." The meaning for bad also has evolved. Once we might have said, "This soup tastes bad. There is too much salt in it" Now, you might hear, "This soup tastes bad. Can I have some more?" Each use of the word means something different depending on the sender, the receiver, and the context. Language Is Rule Governed. We learn how to use language by watching and listening to our parents or caregivers from the day we are born. Ru1es guide our use oflanguage. We learn rules about how to pronounce words and how to spell wijrds. Do you remember learning that the "e" is silent at the end of words such as cake, ate, and kite? Do you recall learning that "I comes before e except after c"? These rules govern the way we write and speak everyday. There are many rules about how to use language in particular contexts. When is it okay to interrupt your boss? When can you raise your voice to your spouse? What topics can we discuss? These unspoken rules guide our use of language and are called regulative rules. For example: Tyrone was hired two weeks ago to deliver internal mail throughout a large law firm. He delivers the mail twice a day to all the secretaries in the building. Within the first week, Tyrone learned that he was to be "seen, not heard" by the partners of the firm. He noticed that

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only the other lawyers and specific secretaries were "allowed" to initiate conversation with the partners. Also, Tyrone learned that he should leave his personal life out of the office. When two secretaries were discussing a family illness, one of the lawyers ordered them back to work and to "discuss your personal problems at lunch." smallgroup interaction, men and women used similar language choices: both used powerful and powerless language (Grob, Meyers, and Schuh, 1997). 4.1.2. The Meaning of Words An important theory that explores the relationship between our thoughts and the words we choose to convey those thoughts was developed by C.K. Ogden and LA. Richards (1923). They maintain that words are symbols and that these symbols are given meaning when they are placed together to make statements. For example, when we ask someone seated at the same table to "pass the salt," that person is likely to respond by picking up the salt shaker and handing it to us. He or shewould not in all likelihood toss it down to our end of the table as if it were a football being passed for a touchdown. According to Ogden and Richards, our thought process is the direct link between the object and the word; consequently, if the word for a particular object is not part of our personal vocabulary, then the word for that object will have no meaning to us. This very thing happens all the time with small children (who are still busy acquiring language). For example, if you were to ask your three-year-old daughter to bring you the dictionary from the kitchen table, she would likely be stumped by your request. You would need to descnbe and define the term for her, using words that she already understands; that is, "It's the large book that has small holes on one side, by the pages. Each one has a letter of the alphabet on it to help people look up the words they want quickly and easily." Of course, adults also encounter this type of situation. For instance, Alice, Majia's grandmother, might recognize the term CD, having heard it before, yet she might think it refers to a "certified deposit" from a bank or credit union. Because of this, she would not understand Majia when she says, "I would really like some new CDs for Christmas this year, Grandma." Alice would need to ask Majia for an explanation or try to figure out what Majia is talking about by listening to her subsequent comments. Message are not a part of our symbol system. In this example, Alice did not understand Majia's

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statement regarding CDs (compact discs) because the word CD was not part of her symbol system. We looked in a dictionary. Denotative meanings are usually shared or understood within a given culture. For instance, most individuals would define book as something that is read, and most dictionaries would offer a similar definition for this word. Multiple meanings occur with denotation on occasion, and these can cause confusion. Take, for example, the word aggressive. Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary offers the following definitions: "1 a: tending toward or practicing aggression < aggressive behavior > b: marked by combative readiness < an aggressive fighter > 2 a: marked by driving forceful energy or initiative: ENTERPRISING < an aggressive salesman> b: marked by obtrusive energy." After hearing the comment, "Nancy is aggressive," we might wonder which definition of aggressive the person had in mind. Is Nancy someone who shows a lot initiative in her work? Or is Nancy the type of person who displays her aggression by trying to dominate or lash out at others? It is easy to see how we might be confused. A word's connotative meaning is that which is determined by someone's experiences, values, and culture. It is the personalized definition we assign to a word. Aggressive, for example, is a word used to describe some one's personality or behavior. This description may mean something entirely different to different people. For instance, a positive connotation for aggressive might indicate a person who is enterprising ; a negative connotation would indicate one who is overbearing or who tries to dominate others. Our individual experiences determine the way we use and interpret the word aggressive. In our examination of verbal communication, we also will discover that our thought processes are central to our choice of words. More precisely, our choice of words grows out of our environment, that is, our cultural background, experiences, knowledge, and attitudes. Our differences make communication a complicated process when choosing words as the sender and when interpreting words as the receiver. In the next section, we shall explore how cultural influences, ethnic/racial/social influences, geographic location, and our perceptions affect our choice of words and the ways in which we interpret the words of others. 4.1.3. Problems with language

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4.1.3.1. Vague language Vague language is language that lacks directness and specificity; it is void of details. Responses spoken in vague terms can leave the other person wondering what you mean. Consider this interaction between Marge and Pamela at the grocery store: MARGE: When did you get back from your vacation? PAMELA: Last Thursday ... MARGE: Did you enjoy it? PAMELA: We were rather disappointed; so were the kids. Unless Marge pursued her questioning (that is, "What was disappointing about the trip?"), she would probably wonder about her neighbor's vacation. 4.1.3.2. Abstraction Abstraction simply mentioned someone's generosity; you would be talking in an abstract sense; to be more definite, you could mention the large donation that person makes annually to the American Cancer Society. Abstraction becomes a problem when the receiver or audience does not comprehend the sender's message because of the language used. Most students, for example, have experienced walking out of a classroom with absolutely no idea of what the instructor was trying to communicate. If he or she had attempted to more clearly define the terms used, the ideas might have been better understood. 4.1.3.3. Generalization Similar to the problem that occurs when abstract language is used to define concepts is the problem of generalization: the use of nonspecific language to describe objects, events, and feelings. It is easier for misunderstandings to occur when others listen to us speak in generalities. Conversely, specific language forces us to be more clearly focused on our subject. Consider the following conversation between Phillip and his supervisor at the hardware store. In it, the supervisor's comments lack directness: SUPERVISOR: I need to talk to you. PHILLIP: Sure. About what? SUPERVISOR I think you're having a difficult time with your work. I'm not really satisfied with your performance. PHILLIP: What do you mean?

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SUPERVISOR: It seems to me that you don't enjoy your work. PHILLIP: What makes you say that? SUPERVISOR: I think you need to be friendlier to the customers. PHILLIP: How do I do that? SUPERVISOR: Well, I just think you need to be more outgoing. Spend more time around them. PHILLIP: What do you mean, talk to them more? SUPERVISOR: Well, yes, that would be a start. 4.1.3.4. Multiple meaning If someone you have just met says to you, "I have an interest in the city's downtown renovation project," does he mean a financial interest in the enterprise or that he is concerned about the project's chances of revitalizing an area that he considers his home? In this example, use of the word interest is confusing. In order to determine precisely what the speaker meant by interest, either you would have to know the individual well enough to realize what he was implying, or you would need to ask him an additional question or two to better understand the comment. Some words have special meanings to individuals; therefore, it is not always easy to discern what someone else's message means. On the other hand, there are many words that have universal meaning. These make it easier for us to communicate with others. 4.1.3.5. Technical language or Jargon Discipline, skill, or career, is another factor that contributes to a lack of understanding between people. Technical language is most effective when used with people who are familiar with the terminology. Refer back to the opening story about April and Dr. Smith. Dr. Smith's use of jargon and technical language created a communication barrier that prohibited April from understanding his presentation. Technical language, in addition to contributing to increased difficulty in understanding, also can be intimidating. Consider, for example, the anxiety experienced by parents who rush their child to the hospital for an emergency admission. Their anxiety is heightened further when they cannot understand the technical medical terms used by the pediatrician and the emergency room doctor and nurses. They become frightened when they hear the doctor order a blood culture and direct the nurses to start an IV, as well as by mention

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of the child's dangerously elevated white count and possible septicemia. The language is intimidating, producing more stress .A perceptive physician would recognize the parents' distress and try to alleviate their fears by explaining the child's condition in terms better understood by the average person. While the language used in the emergency room is undoubtedly an effective way for the medical team to communicate, it can create a higher degree of anxiety for anyone who is not in the medical profession. 4.1.3.6. Slang Like technical language, Slang is used by a specific group. It is used by a co-culture and can be geographic or generational. Are there any specific terms that relate to where you live and are really only understood by those who live there? In Northwest Indiana, we often refer to ourselves as "da region," and the people who live here are called "region rats." These terms reflect our geographic location as the Northwest Indiana region (as the rest of the state refers to us) and our ability to live and thrive in a dirty and polluted environment (close to the steel mills) like rodents. People who visit here generally do not refer to us as region rats. It is a term we have adopted for ourselves as a form of our identity. Every generation has its own terms and meanings for those terms. Teen culture in the United States has always had its own language. Words like groovy or hip meant something desirable to the teens that used them 30 years ago. Today, teens have new words or phrases. Some examples include: My bad So Whack or whacked Wassup? Scrub My mistake or taking the blame for something that is not right. To emphasize something: "We are going to so win tonight's volleyball match." Something bad or not cool: "Tom is whacked. He is not even going to the dance." Another way to say "What is up?" or "What are you doing?" If you do not belong to the group, you may not know what the words mean. In this case, slang is used as a way for those of the same group to communicate with one

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another without "outsiders" understanding the meaning. In the preceding example, teens can use slang to exclude their parents and teachers from the conversation. 4.1.3.7. Euphemisms Euphemisms are words that substitute for another words because they are more pleasant. For example, we call older people "senior citizens" or we refer to larger sizes of clothes as "plus size." Euphemisms are used to spare someone's feelings or to lessen the impact of the words. When someone dies, for example, we may say that the person has "passed away" or "Is no longer with us." Euphemisms, however, may be confusing and, at times, misleading. When politicians call for "revenue enhancement" or "increased revenue," they are calling for a tax increase. The nuclear industry calls nuclear waste "spent fuel" as a way to make us less fearful. Even though euphemisms can be helpful as a way to spare someone's feelings, be aware that they also can confuse or even mislead the listener. 4.1.3.8. Double speak Language can be used to misrepresent ideas or to mislead the listener. William Lutz, a professor from Rutgers University, was one of the first scholars to point out the dangers of using doublespeak. He defines doublespeak as, the language that avoids responsibility, that makes the bad seems good, the negative appear positive, something unpleasant appear attractive, language that only appears to communicate(1999). (1999). There are four specific tjpes of doublespeak; two were discussed earlie; in this chapter, euphemism and jargon. Lutz adds gobbledygook (words piled on top of one another until there is no meaning at all) and inflated language (used to make something appear better than it really is). Some examples of doublespeak include "poorly buffered precipitation"-acid rain according to the Environmental Protection Agency "effective delivery of ordnance" -a bomb, according to the Department of Defense "nutritional avoidance therapy" -a diet. "chronologically experienced citizen"-an older person. "negative advancement" -a job demotion. "negative employment growth" -unemployment.

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"awarded a nonpassing grade"-to fail an assignment "improperly dependent on a source" -plagiarism. 4.1.3.9. Racist, sexist, and other insensitive language Effective communicators need to be aware that our language choices might offend our partner, group members, or audience. Racist and sexist statements are the most obvious language choices that will certainly offend your listener, but there are others we need to avoid. We must also be aware of comments that are ageist (degrading of someone's age), for example, "That old man could never run a marathon"; homophobic (degrading comments about someone's sexual orientation), as in "She looks like a dyke in that leather jacket"; and comments about someone's abilities, like "She's handicapped since the car accident." These comments not only serve to insult and alienate your audience, but also encourage others to see the person in a negative way. So, when you call someone a "fag," "spic," "gimp," or "old geezer," you are not just using a label, you are showing how little you value the person. These terms are a sign of disrespect and will certainly put an end to the interaction. Examples of gender-sensitive language Compiled by Service-Growth Consultants Inc. May 2003 Below are lists of common gender-biased terms and bias-free substitutes.
1. Occupational References

Biased
businessman career girl, career woman cleaning lady delivery boy foreman girl Friday insurance man landlady, landlord mailman newsman policeman repairman saleslady, salesman serviceman steward, stewardess waitress

Bias-Free
business executive, entrepreneur professional, manager, executive cleaner courier, messenger supervisor clerk, office assistant, receptionist insurance agent proprietor, building manager mail carrier, letter carrier journalist, reporter police officer repairer, technician sales clerk, sales rep, sales agent service representative flight attendant waiter, server

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workman 2. Role References

worker

Biased
alumni chairman, chairwoman committee man, committee woman corporate wife faculty wife freshman front man hostess housewife, househusband middleman man and wife ombudsman self-made man spokesman 3. Group References

Bias-Free
graduates chair, chairperson committee member corporate spouse faculty spouse first-year student front, figurehead host homemaker go-between husband and wife troubleshooter self-made person, entrepreneur spokesperson, representative

Biased
brotherhood common man countryman fatherland fellowship forefathers fraternal Frenchmen man, mankind mother tongue rise of man thinking man working man, working woman 4. Other Stereotypes

Bias-Free
kinship, community common person, average person compatriot native land camaraderie ancestors, forebears warm, intimate the French humankind, humanity, humans native language rise of civilization thinking person, thinker, intellectual wage earner, taxpayer

Biased
king-size kingmaker lady ladylike like a man maiden name maiden voyage man (verb) man enough manhood manly

Bias-Free
jumbo, gigantic power behind the throne woman courteous, cultured resolutely, bravely birth name first voyage staff, run strong enough adulthood strong, mature

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manpower master (noun) master (verb) master (adj) master of ceremonies masterful mastermind (noun) mastermind (verb) masterpiece masterplan masterstroke man made man of action man of letters

human resources owner, expert, chief, superior learn, succeed at, overcome expert, gifted, accomplished host, emcee, moderator, convenor skilled, authoritative, commanding genius, creator, instigator oversee, launch, originate work of genius, chef doeuvre comprehensive plan, vision trump card, stroke of genius artificial, synthetic, machine-made dynamo scholar, writer, literary figure

4.1.4. Improving verbal communication 4.1.4.1. Being descriptive Descriptive language employs specific words that represent observable behavior or phenomena. Being descriptive directs our communication to actions that are observable, and at the same time it avoids drawing inferences or making judgments about those actions. For example, consider the difference between these two statements: STATEMENT A: Heather doesn't look directly at me when we speak. STATEMENT B: Heather avoids direct eye contact with me because she does not like me. Statement A is simply an observation made by the individual who is speaking. Statement B goes beyond description; it tries to offer an explanation for Heather's behavior. By doing so, the individual is confronted with a problem addressed earlier in this chapter-making generalizations. In fact, Heather's lack of direct eye contact may be attributed to other factors: Perhaps she is shy, or perhaps she actually likes this person and is too nervous to establish direct eye contact. Being descriptive helps us communicate more clearly and accurately, and it reduces the misunderstandings that occur between people. At the same time, being descriptive can make our speech more interesting. 4.1.4.2. Dating

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Dating is the use of a specific time reference to clarify a message. By intejecting a specific date, we make a statement that is based on fact. The following set of statements illustrates the difference between a general comment and one that is more specific as a result of dating: Russell: I don't get along with my in-laws. Russell: I don't get along with my in-laws during the holidays. The first statement is very general; it do's not take into account that the situation may have changed at some point. By dating the second statement, Russell avoids making a generalization about the relationship he has with his in-laws. Without dating, statements made by one party can cause confusion or hard feelings for both parties. Consider this dialogue between Sheila and Jim (dating is not used): SHEILA: I just bought a two-bedroom house in Highland. JIM: What section of town is the house located in? SHEILA: It's just a few blocks west of the downtown area. JIM: I've heard that that area of town has a bad flooding problem. SHEILA: You're kidding! The realtor never mentioned that problem to me! What Jim failed to do in the preceding exchange was to tell Sheila that the flooding problem happened over three years ago. By including this date in his conversation with Sheila, Jim would not be making a misleading statement, and in this case, his comments certainly would not be as upsetting. Dating lends accuracy to our communication with others. 4.1.4.3. Indexing Indexing is a technique that takes into account the individual differences among people, objects, and places. The use of indexing helps us to focus on the unique qualities of each person or thing. For example, to say that car sales representatives are dishonest would be generalizing or stereotyping. To prevent making such an irresponsible statement, it would be better to say, "The sales representative at Downtown Automotive failed to honor the price he quoted me two days ago, but the sales representative at Suburban Auto came up with the same figures when I went back to put a deposit on a car." This is a more accurate statement because it points out

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the individual differences between the sales representatives; in this case, one was dishonest, but the other was not. Since language and perception are interconnected, the use of indexing can more accurately reflect our perceptions of people, events, or objects. 4.1.4.4. Avoiding Vulgar language and Profanity We have all used or heard "four-letter words." Most of the time, these words are used inappropriately and alienate our audience or partner. Profanity and vulgar language are commonplace and we hear them all the time. Like all other language, profanity is learned by watching and listening to others. One father told this story about his daughter's use of profanity: Clara was about two years old and we were riding in the car. I was in a hurry to get home after a long day at work and was not being very patient. When a car cut in front of us and we missed a long stop light, I said, "S _ t!!" A few moments later, Clara repeated the word and laughed. I was horrified. Profanity and vulgar language can be used to convey strong emotions or to make a point. It is also used to "shock" audiences, as Howard Stern and other "shock jocks" have illustrated. For us, however, profanity and vulgar language can cause more damage than it can help to clarify your message. 4.1.4.5. Eliminating Generic language We once agreed that "he" referred to any person or that "man" referred to all people. This is called generic language. Fortunately, this is no longer the case, and dictionaries, newspapers, and textbooks do not use the generic "he" or "man" to refer to men and women. Generic language is a problem because it only pretends to include women, when in fact it only refers to men. Language must be inclusive when it is referring to an entire population. Specifically: 1. Avoid the generic "he" when you want to talk about all people. "A person taking a prescription medication should be sure he knows the side effects before taking the first dose." This sentence is sexist because it refers to only one sex. Think for a moment ... when you heard this sentence, how did you visualize the person? Was the person a man or woman? Most of us would answer a man because the use of "he" leads us to that picture. A masculine

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pronoun "he" does not refer to women and men. Instead, try to use a plural ("People taking a prescription medication should be sure they know the side effects before taking the first dose"), or use both the male and female pronouns ("A person taking a prescription medication should be sure he or she knows the side effects before taking the first dose"). 2. Avoid using words with "man" when you want to talk about men and women or when you are referring to a woman. Think about all the words that include "man." Mankind, man-made, policeman, fireman, and chairman are just a few examples. How can a woman be a policeman? She certainly can be a police officer, but calling her a policeman seems silly. Find alternative words for sexist labels as we have done with policeman and police officer. Avoiding generic language will help you to relate to the receivers of your message and will ensure that you do not alienate them.

4.2. Nonverbal communication 4.2.1. What is nonverbal communication?

Nonverbal communication includes all behaviors, attributes, or objects (except words) that communicate messages that have social meaning. Nonverbal communication includes tone of voice, facial expressions, posture, gestures, and appearance, all of which are used to communicate messages. Nonverbal communication supplements words, such as when tone of voice, volume, or facial expression adds emphasis to the meaning of a word. Unfortunately, nonverbal communication can also change the intended meaning of a message or make it confusing and unclear. Nonverbal communication does not, however, include gestures that represent words, such as American Sign Language (ASL), written words, or words transmitted electronically. Table 4.1 Examples of American Sign Language

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To hearing persons, sign language is often seen as nonverbal communication. However, to persons who are hearing impaired, sign language is mostly verbal because the signs, body language, and facial expressions are signals for words, phrases, and emphasis. The inclusion of nonverbal behavior in the study of communication is relatively recent. We tend to take nonverbal communication for granted because it is so basic,

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but its importance is unmistakable, and its connection to communication is undeniable. Research indicates that in most situations, we spend more of our time communicating nonverbally than verbally and that our nonverbal messages carry more meaning than our verbal messages. There are many reasons why you should study nonverbal communication. The following are some of the more important reasons. Nonverbal communication: carries most of the meaning of a message, particularly feelings and attitudes toward others. is a frequent source of misunderstandings. is not governed by a set of universal rules. is not a language. is multichannel, complicated, and ever-changing. is context- and culture-bound. is more likely than verbal communication to be spontaneous and unintentional. is powerful and is more believable than verbal communication. is learned (not always consciously). is critical in relationship initiation, development, and termination. 4.2.2. Characteristics of nonverbal communication. A question that students often ask is, "Why is it important that we study nonverbal communication?" There are many reasons for studying nonverbal communication, the primary one being its pervasive effects on what and how we communicate; we are always communicating something nonverbally, whether we intend to or not. Besides occurring constantly, nonverbal communication depends on context, is more believable than verbal communication, is a primary means of expression, is related to culture, and is ambiguous or easily misunderstood. Nonverbal Communication Occurs Constantly When another person is present, you have to communicate. Whether you make eye contact, smile, frown, or try to totally ignore the other person, you are communicating something. Sometimes, what is said is less important than what is not said. For example, not attending a meeting at which you were expected, coming late to an employment interview, wearing jeans when you were expected to dress formally,

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wearing a suit when jeans were expected, talking about a sad situation with a smile on your face, and speaking to someone but never looking him or her in the eye all convey strong messages. We all believe we can tell a great deal about people on the basis of their facial expression, appearance (sex, race, physique), clothing, willingness to make eye contact, body movements, and posture. Nonverbal Communication Depends on Context The context in which nonverbal communication occurs plays a crucial role in its interpretation. Pounding on a table to make a point during a speech means something entirely different from pounding on the table in response to someone's calling you a liar. Direct eye contact with a stranger can mean something entirely different from direct eye contact with a close friend. When you communicate, your nonverbal and verbal cues usually supplement and support each other. Your appearance, tone of voice, eye movement, posture, and facial expression provide cues about the communication relationship. For example, when you talk to a friend, your relaxed tone of voice, eye contact, and posture reveal much about your friendship. Your nonverbal cues can tell your friends how much you value them, how comfortable you feel, and how intimate your relationships have become. Such nonverbal communication is interpreted within the context of your friendships and is complemented by casual and personal conversations. Without understanding the context in which communication occurs, it is almost impossible to tell what a specific nonverbal behavior may mean. In fact, misunderstandings can occur even when the context is fully understood. That is why we must think twice about our interpretation of others' nonverbal behavior and their possible interpretations of ours. When you see and hear nonverbal communication without a complete understanding of the context, you might not get the message that was intended. When you assume too much about a nonverbal message, further miscommunication and is understanding can result. Nonverbal Communication Is More Believable than Verbal Communication Most of us tend to believe nonverbal comiilunication, even when it contradicts the accompanying verbal message. Consider this conversation between a mother and her daughter regarding the daughter's husband:

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"What's wrong? Are you upset with Charles?"'asks Jess's mother. (Stare and frown) "Whatever, I'm not upset, why should I be?" responds jess. "You seem to be in a funk, and you are avoiding talking to me. So what's wrong? Did you and Chad have a fight?" asks jess's mother. "I SAID NOTHING IS WRONG! LEAVE ME ALONE! EVERYTHING IS FINE!" Throughout the conversation, Jess seems upset, snappy in tone, and to be sending a signal to her mother that she isn't telling the whole story. It seems clear from the interaction and the mother's intuition that jess is hiding something, hence the second inquiry. Indeed, the real story is that] ess and her husband have not been getting along lately. They have been fighting over money, and the mother could sense that something was onjess's mind. Nonverbal messages are much more difficult to control than verbal messages because nonverbal cues are more representative of our emotions, which are also more difficult to control. Is the nonverbal or the verbal communication more likely to be truer?.Verbal communication is more conscious; it involves more processing of thoughts and impulses into words. Although nonverbal messages can be conscious and dehoerate, they often, as we have suggested, are unintentional and subconsciously generated. It is almost always easy to determine what you are going to say, but it is very difficult for most of us to control our voices, facial expressions, and other body movements when we are upset, hurt, or angry. Jess's mother interpreted her daughter's nonverbal behavior as a more accurate reflection at jess's feelings than her verbal communication. Nonverbal Communication Is a Primary Means of Expression We can often detect other peoples feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, resentment, ,or anxiety without their actually saying anything. We can detect others' emotions because nonverbal communication is so powerful. Almost all of our feelings and attitudes are expressed through our nonverbal behavior. For example, at a graduation party attended by many young children, one little girl entered with her parents and spotted a neighbor. She turned up her nose and walked away. Her mother, running after her, asked why she had suddenly left, to which the girl replied, "I don't like that girl over there." The nonverbal communication really didn't need much explanation;

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it was obvious what the little girl was saying through her actions, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Nonverbal Communication Is Related to Culture Culture contributes significantly to differences in nonverbal behavior. Norms and rules that govern the management of behavior differ from culture to culture. Yet because human beings around the world share common biological and social functions, it should not be too surprising to also find areas of similarity in nonverbal communication. For example, studies comparing facial expressions have found that certain universal expressions, such as, those indicating sadness and fear, are easily understood across varying cultures. Although much outward behavior is innate (such as smiling, touching, eye contact, moving), we are not born knowing what meanings such nonverbal messages communicate. Most scholars would agree that cultures formulate rules that dictate -when, how, and with what consequences nonverbal expressions are exhibited. For instance, the way people sit can communicate different and important messages across cultures. In the United States, being casual and open is valued, thus people consciously or unconsciously, portray this value by the way they sit. Males in the United States often sit in a slumping and leaning back position as well as sprawl out so that they occupy a lot of space. However, in other countries such as Germany and Sweden, where there is more formality, slouching is considered a sign of rudeness and poor manners. The manner in which your legs are positioned also has cultural meaning. For example, the innocent act of ankle-to-knee leg crossing, typical of many American males as they sit, could be taken as an insult in Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Thailand, or Egypt .There also are many sexual connotations for gestures that are tied to culture as well. In the United States the middle finger is used to send an insulting obscene gesture. This sexual insult gesture, however, is not universal. In other cultures, the gesture that is used to represent the same insult is the forming of an 0 with the thumb and index finger, which means "A-Okay," or "good work" in American culture. Nonverbal Communication Is Ambiguous Because nonverbal messages are always present, we must recognize their importance

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or impact yet also be very careful when interpreting them. Like verbal communication, nonverbal behavior can be ambiguous, abstract, and arbitrary. We cannot assume that nonverbal messages have only one meaning. For example, does crying always signify grief or sadness, or could it also express joy or pain? Interpreting nonverbal behavior requires understanding the context in which it takes place and the cultural norms governing it. Yet even when a person understands these dynamics, it is still very easy to misinterpret nonverbal behaviors. For example, does a fellow student's yawn signal boredom or fatigue? Does a speaker tremble because of nervousness or excitement? Most nonverbal behaviors have a multitude of possible meanings, and to assume automatically that you have grasped the only possible meaning could lead to a serious misunderstanding. There are no consistent rules for using nonverbal communication. 4.2.3. Types of nonverbal communication When you dress in a suit for a meeting, smile at someone, sit in a specific seat in class, use yGur hands while talking, play with a pen or pencil while listening, dim the lights to create a romantic atmosphere, play music loudly, look someone directly in the eyes, or burn incense to create a pleasant odor, you are communicating nonverbally. Every day, we perform a wide range of nonverbal behaviors without even thinking about them, yet such behaviors can convey definite messages to others. Because nonvetbal communication is so diverse, complex, common, and informative, we need to be sensitive to its many manifestations. In the following pages, we examine some of the more significant forms of nonverbal communication, such as kinesics (body movements, including gestures, facial expressions, and eye behavior), physical characteristics, haptics (touch), proxemics (space), chronemics (time),

vocalics/paralanguage (use of voice), silence, olfactics (odors), artifacts, and environment. 4.2.3.1. Facial Expressions and Body Movements We use body movements-gestures, facial expressions, and eye behavior-to create an infinite number of nonverbal messages. For our purposes, we define kinesics, which is sometimes referred to as body language, as any movement of the face or body that

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communicates a message. Two particularly significant categories of kinesics are eye behavior and facial expressions. Eye behavior is a subcategory of facial expressions that includes any movement or behavior of the eyes and is also referred to as oculesies, which is the study of eye movement or eye behavior. The eyes, through eye contact with others, have the primary function of establishing relationships. Facial expressions include configurations of the face that can reflect, augment, contradict, or appear unrelated to a speaker's spoken message. Eye Behavior or Oculesies. According to some researchers, eye behavior is the first and primary characteristic people notice. The researchers found that during interactions, people spend about 45 percent of the time looking at each other's eyes. Through eye behavior, we establish relationships with others. Eyes also convey a variety of other important messages. We notice a speaker's eye contact, share mutual glances with friends, and feel uncomfortable when others stare at us. Eye behavior, according to Dale Leathers, a communication scholar, can serve one of six important communicative functions: (1) influence attitude change and persuasion; (2) indicate degree of attentiveness, interest, and arousal; (3) express emotions; ( 4) regulate interaction; (5) indicate power and status; and (6) form impressions in others. Eye gaze at the interpersonal level communicates sincerity, trustworthiness, and friendliness. Romantic partners are more likely to gaze into each other's eyes for prolonged periods when expressing their affection for one another. Members of groups or teams use eye contact to build their relationships and to show unity or a sense of belonging to the group or team. In general, effective speakers use more frequent eye contact with their audiences than less effective speakers do. Eye contact is also important for those of us who are listeners, because looking at the speaker indicates our interest in what is being said and is a sign of r'e.spect for the speaker. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who was wearing dark glasses? If you have, you know that it is a bit uncomfortable because you can't completely see how the other person is reacting to you. We do learn much about others' feelings and emotions from their eyes. For example, we associate a high level of gaze or indirect eye contact from another as a sign of liking or friendliness. In contrast, if others avoid making eye contact with us, we are likely to conclude that they are unfriendly, don't

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like us, or are simply shy. Although a high level of eye contact can be interpreted as positive, there are some exceptions to this rule. If people look at us continuously and maintain the eye contact regardless of actions we take, they are said to be staling. When confronted by unwanted staring, most of us tend to withdraw from the sihtation. Generally, people find being stared at an unpleasant experience; it makes most of us nervous and tense. This is especially true of what is referred to as a "cold stare," because it is a form of intimidation, and unwanted states are often interpreted in our society as a sign of hostility and anger. This is one reason experts on road ragehighly aggressive driving by motorists, sometimes followed by actual assaults recommend that drivers avoid eye contact with people who are disobeying traffic laws and rules of the road. Facial Expression. Facial expressions are windows to our emotions. They provide clues about our and others' emotional states, which at times can be very complex and difficult to interpret accurately. Alan Robinson of the Associated Press wrote, "If any NFL coach fits the description of a mad scientist, it's the unmistakable Bill Cowher (pictured), with his jutting jaw ancl angry eyes, his irrepressible intensity and spittleflying sideline rages." Coach Cowher's nickname is "Face," not only because he is an in-your-face coach but also because his distinctive facial expressions seem to tell his mood. More than two thousand years ago, the Roman orator Cicero stated, "The face is the image of the soul." By this, he meant that humans feelings and emotions are often reflected in our faces. Modern research suggests that Cicero and others who observed human behavior were correct: It is possible to learn much about others' current moods and feelings from their facial expressions. Researchers have found that our faces depict six different basic emotions clearly and from a rather early age: anger, fear, happiness, sadness, surprise, and disgust. Other research suggests that contempt as an emotion may also be quite basic. However, agreement on what specific facial expression represents contempt is less consistent than in the case of the other six emotions just mentioned. It is important to realize that the relatively small number of basic facial expressions in no way implies that human beings can show only a small number of facial expressions. The human face is said to produce more than a thousand different

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expressions. Emotions often occur in many combinations (for example, joy tinged with sorrow, surprise combined with fear), and each of these reactions can vary greatly in emphasis. Thus, while there might be only a small number of basic themes in facial expressions, the number of variations on these themes is immense. Facial expressions have an extremely powerful role in communication and relationships. Of all the body motions, facial expressions convey the most information. Researchers have examined the judgments we make regarding the facial expressions of others and have found that not only do we judge emotions but we also make judgments about personality, such as the tendency to be friendly or unfriendly, harsh or kind, based on facial expressions. We perceive people who have relaxed facial expressions as having more power and being more in control than people whose facial expressions seem nervous. Overall, then, it seems safest to conclude that although facial expressions are not completely universal-cultural and contextual differences do exist with respect to their precise meaning- they generally need very little translation, compared to spoken language. However, despite cultural rules, our faces often communicate feelings and emotions spontaneously in reaction to a situation. For example, if you open the door .to your house and a group of your friends hiding in the dark tum on the lights and yell, "Congratulations!" your face will probably automatically and unconsciously express surprise. If you open the door and they yell, "Boo!" your face will probably show fear or anxiety. Although many facial expressions are unconscious and involuntary reactions to certain stimuli, researchers have found that facial cues may be only partially reliable in terms of what they express. Michael Motley, a communication researcher, in a study of facial expressions in everyday conversations, found that they are extremely difficult to interpret and may only be relevant as they relate to specific conversations or situations in which they occur. This is in part due to the fact that most of us have learned to conceal our real feelings from others. Most of us have learned how to control our facial ml1scles in order to hide inappropriate or unacceptable responses. Such controlling behaviors regarding our facial expressions are referred to as facial management techniques. Facial management techniques may be used to intensify, de-intensify, neutralize, or mask a felt emotions.

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Body Movements. To make sense of thousands of different body movements, psychologists, Paul Ekman and Wallace Friesen, have devised a classification system based on the origins, functions, and coding of;nonverbal behavior. Their system divides body motions into five categories: emblems, illustrators, regulators, affect displays, and adaptors (see Table 4.2). Because there are so many body motions, many of which are interdependent, it is important to understand that the categories are not mutually exclusive. Some body motions may be classified under more than one category. Finally, body movements and posture can reveal much about our physical states (vigor, age) and perhaps the extent to which we possess certain traits. Evidence from several research studies supports these conclusions. For example, one study investigating males and females in four age groups (five to seven, thirteen to fourteen, twenty-six to twenty-eight, and seventy-five to eighty years old) had the participants walk back and forth at a pace they felt was comfortable. The walkers were videotaped and then shown to others who rated the walkers on various dimensions, such as gait, traits, age, and sex. By using adjustments and lighting techniques, the researchers were able to disguise the walkers so that the subjects saw only their gait. The subjects made judgments about the walkers two different times. The first time, they rated the walkers' gait in terms of revealing certain traits (submissive or dominating, physically weak or physically strong, timid or bold, sad or happy, unsexy or sexy). The second time, they rated the walkers' gait in terms of several other characteristics (amount of hip sway, knee bending, forward or backward lean, slow or fast pace, stiff or loose jointed gait, short or long strides). In addition, the subjects were asked to estimate each walker's age and guess whether each was female or male. The study's results were very interesting and clearly indicate that people's gaits provide important nonverbal cues about them. For example, as predicted, ratings of traits and gaits did vary according to age. Ratings of sexiness increased from children to adolescents and young adults but decreased for older adults. Further analysis revealed that possession of a youthful gait (one characterized by hip sway, knee bending, arm swing, loosejointedness, and more steps per second) was strongly related to ratings of the walkers' happiness and power. Thus, persons with a youthful gaitregardless of their actual agewere rated more positively along several dimensions than persons with an older gait.

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Can you think of a situation or time when the way a person walked influenced what you. thought of him/her? In what ways did the style of walking affect your perception? Table 4.2. Categories of Body Movements and Facial Expressions

Categories
Emblems

Characteristics
Translate directly into words and are used for specific words or phrases. Meanings of emblems are like those of words-arbitraty, changeable with time, learned, and culturally determined Accent, reinforce, or emphasize a verbal message

Examples
A hitchhiker's extended thumb, the thumb and circle sign for "OK," the peace sign

Illustrators

Regulators

Affect displays

Adaptors

Control, monitor, or maintain interaction between or among speakers and listeners. Cues that tell us when to stop, continue, huny, elaborate, make things more interpreting, or let someone else speak. The dialogue at the beginning of the chapter is a good example of the need for regulators. Body movements that express emotions. Though your face is the primary means of displaying affect, your body may also be used. Help one feel at ease in communication situations. Adaptors are difficult to interpret and require the most speculation.

A child holding up his hands to indicate how tall he is while saying, "I'm a big boy"; an instructor underlining a word on a poster to emphasize it. Eye contact, shift in posture, nod of the head, looking at a clock or wristwatch

Sad face, slouching, jumping up and down

Scratching, smoothing hair, playing with coins, smoking, hands in front of the face, moving closer to someone

4.2.3.2. Physical characteristics Whereas body movements and facial hptessions change quickly and can be controlled to some extent, physical characteristics, such as body type, attractiveness, height, weight, and skin tone are fairly constant and more difficult to control, especially in the course of a single interaction. Physical appearance in our culture plays a significant role in communication and relationships. In recent years, segments of our society have become obsessed with physical appearance and general health, spending billions of dollars each year on modifying, preserving, and decorating their bodies. We might say that ''beauty is only skin deep," but we are likely to respond positively to those who

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are attractive and negatively to those who are unattractive. Physical attractiveness has an extremely powerful influence on everyday communication. It appears that both males and females are strongly influenced by attractiveness, though males seem to be more responsive to appearance than are females. Overall, though, an appealing physical appearance is perceived as a pqsitive characteristic that influences interpersonal attraction and interpersonal preferences. Numerous stereotypes are consistently associated with physical appearance, and it would not be surprising if you bold some of them yourself. Before continuing, take a look at the photos in the Making Connections for Success box and follow the instructions. Numerous research studies have indicated that attractive people, when compared to unattractive people, are perceived to be more popular, successful, sociable, persuasive, sensual, and happy. One research study found that attractive students receive more interaction from their teachers, unattractive defendants are less likely to be found innocent than attractive defendants in a court of law, and attractiveness plays a predominant role in dating behaviors. Attractiveness affects credibility and a person's ability to persuade others, to get a job, and to gain a higher salary. Handsome males are likely to be perceived as more masculine, whereas beautiful females are seen as more feminine, in comparison with those who are perceived as less attractive. In a few situations, attractiveness can be a disadvantage. Although attractiveness was found to be an asset for men throughout their executive careers, one research study found that being attractive could be a liability for women managers. Even when such women had reached top executive levels, their success was attributed to their looks rather than to their abilities, and they were consistently judged less capable than unattractive women managers. Attractive females, in comparison to other women, are judged by some to be more vain, more materialistic, and less faithful to their husbands. For both males and females, attractiveness is often considered the reason for their success, rather than their ability or hard work. We know that our society places a great deal of value on physical appearance, but do attractive individuals differ in behavior from others who are less attractive? The answer is no. In fact, attractive people do not seem to fit the stereotypes associated with them. Surprisingly, self-esteem is not consistently high among those who are

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considered the most attractive. This could be because they believe that they are rewarded not for what they have done, but for how they look, thus diminishing their sense of self-worth. 4.2.3.3.Touch Touching is referred to as either tactile communication or haptics. Haptics is one of the most basic forms of communication. "Reach out and touch someone" is a slogan once used by a national phone company. Although the company's advertisement suggests touching in an abstract sense, the idea behind the advertisement is that touch is a personal and powerful means of communication. As one of our most primitive and yet sensitive ways of relating to others, touch is a critical aspect of communication. It plays a significant role in giving encouragement, expressing tenderness, and showing emotional support, and it can be mote powerful than words. For example, when you have just received some bad news, a pat on the shoulder from a friend can be far more reassuring than any number of understanding words. The kind and amount of touching that are appropriate vary according to the individuals, their relationship, and the situation. Some researchers have set up categories to describe these variations in touch. The categories are functional-professional, social-polite, friendship-warmth, love-intimacy, and sexual arousal. Definitions and examples are given in Table 4.3. The meaning of a particular touch depends on the type of touch, the situation in which the touch occurs, who is doing the touching, and the cultural background of those involved. Some cultures are more prone to touching behavior than others. Research has found that people in the United States are less touch-oriented when compared to persons in other cultures. For example, a study examining touching behavior during a one-hour period in a coffee shop found that people in SanJuan, Puerto Rico, touched 180 times in an hour; those in Paris, France, touched 110 times; and those in Gainesville, Florida, touched only two times. Gender differences in touching behavior are also interesting to note. Men tend to touch more than women do, women tend to be touched more often than men, and women seem to value touch more than men do. Gender differences in touching behavior may be partially attributed to men's sexual aggressiveness in our culture and their expression of powet and dominance. According to Nancy Henley, men have access to women's bodies, but

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women do not have the same access to men's bodies. This, according to the research, may be a way of exerting power because touch represents an invasion of another's personal space. Table 4.3 Touch/Haptics Categories
Functional-professional

Characteristics
Unsympathetic, impersonal, cold, or businesslike touch.

Examples
A doctor touches a patient during a physical examination or a tailor touches a customer while measuring. Two people shake hands in our culture or kiss in other cultures to greet one another. Two men or two women meet in an airport, hug, and walk off with their arms around each other. Athletes touch a shoulder or pat each other on their buttocks. Two people hug, caress, embrace, kiss, and so on.

Social-polite

Friendship-warmth

Love-intimacy

Sexual arousal

Acknowledges another person according to the norms or rules of a society. Expresses an appreciation of the special attributes of another. Expresses warm feelings for another. The most misinterpreted type of touching behavior. Occurs in romantic relationships between lovers and spouses. Highly communicative and usually requires consent between both parties even though one party might not reciprocate. The most intimate level of personal contact with another. Expresses physical attraction between two consenting individuals.

Sexual touch behavior including foreplay and intercourse.

4.2.3.4. Space Statements s-uch as "Give me some room to operate," signs that say "Keep Out," and the bumper sticker that reads "Keep Off My" followed by a picture of a donkey all are attempts to regulate the distance between people. Such behaviors are of special interest to researchers in proxemics, the study of how we use space and the distance we place between others and ourselves when communicating. Edward T. Hall, anthropologist and author of two classic books, The Silent Language and The Hidden Dimension, coined the term proxemics. Hall was a pioneer in helping to explain how space is used in North American culture. In his study of proxemics, Hall identified four zones, which are illustrated in Figure 4.1. Intimate space is defined as the distance from no space between people to one-and-a-half feet between people. This zone is the most personal, and it is usually open only to those with whom we are well acquainted, unless such closeness is physically forced on us, such as in a crowded train or elevator. The second zone is referred to as personal space and ranges from

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distances of one and- a-half feet to four feet between people. It is not unusual for us to carry on conversations or other activities with close friends and relatives in this zone. If someone we don't know enters this zone, we are likely to feel uncomfortable or violated. The third zone is called social space. It ranges from four to twelve feet and is where most professional conversations occur, as well as group interactions, such as meetings. Public space, the fourth zone, includes twelve feet or more. This distance is not unusual for public speaking situations or other formal presentations. The actual distance or zone might be determined by the context and relationship of those involved in the interaction. The need for us to identify certain amounts of space as our own is an aspect of proxemics called territoriality. We often position markers such as books, coats, pencils, papers, and other objects to declare our space. Some students become upset when someone else sits in a seat they usually occupy, even though seating is not assigned. This uneasiness stems from a strong desire to stake out and protect territory. Similar reactions occur when someone enters a room without knocking or tailgates when driving; it seems like an invasion of our territory. We usually give little conscious attention to the role of space in our communication, yet the way in wliich others use space gives strong clues to what they are thinking and how they are reacting to us. There are many variables that influence our use of space when communicating; status, sex, culture, and context are but a few. Status affects the distance that is maintained between communicators. Research shows that people of different status levels tend to stay farther apart than do individuals of equal status. Furthermore, people of higher status tend to close the distance between themselves and people of lower status, but seldom do people oflower status move to close the distance between themselves and a person of higher status. Men and women tend to differ in their proxemic patterns, but the differences in part hinge on whether the interaction is with someone of the same or opposite sex. In same-sex situations, men prefer, expect, and usually establish greater conversational distance than women do. Opposite-sex distancing depends on how intimate the relationship is.

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Intimacy (0.5 m)

Personal (1.2 m)

Social (3.0 m)

Figure 4.1 Edward T. Hall's Four distance zones 4.2.3.5. Time Chronemics is the study of how people perceive, structure, and use time as communication. People in our society are preoccupied with time. Everything seems to have a starting time and an ending time. We worry about how long we have to wait for something and how long it takes to do something. We even go so far as to say that time is money. Because we place such a high value on time, it plays a significant role in our nonverbal communication. We are particularly sensitive to people and events that waste our time or make exceptional demands on it. Consider your reaction, for instance, when your date keeps you waiting, when an instructor continues to lecture after the bell has signaled the end of class, or when you are given only one day's notice of an upcoming test. Your feelings might range from confusion to indignation to outrage, but you will almost certainly not be neutral. To some extent, your reaction will depend on who the other person is. You will probably be more tolerant if the offending party is a friend or someone who has great power over you. For example, if a blind date keeps you waiting too long, you might decide to leave, but if your

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professor is late for an office appointment, you will probably suffer in silence and continue to wait for his or her arrival. We tend to have many expectations about how time should be used, and we often judge people by their use of time. For example, students are expected to be on time for class. Therefore, students who are punctual are more likely to create a positive impression, whereas those who are consistently late may be perceived as irresponsible, lazy, or uninterested. We must be constantly aware of the messages we send through our use (and misuse) oftime. Individuals can differ in their approaches to time. For example, some people are always looking to the future, others long for the past, and still others live for the moment. Each approach communicates something about people and the ways they use time to communicate who they are. Each culture teaches its members about time expectations, and these expectations vary. In some cultures, being punctual is expected; in others, being punctual is not important, and in fact it is expected that people will be late. In U.S. culture, for example, you are expected to be on time for a dinner party, but being up to twenty minutes late is socially accepted and still considered on time. In some European countries, arriving late for a dinner party is considered an insult. Our use of time communicates messages about us, and it is important that we adhere to the time-related norms of the culture in which we are communicating. 4.2.3.6. Paralanguage/Vocalics Paralanguage/vocalics is the way we vocalize, or say, the words we speak. Paralanguage includes not only speech sounds, but also speech rate, accents, articulation, pronunciation, and silence. Sounds such as groans, yawns, coughs, laughter, crying, and yelping, which are nonsymbolic but can communicate very specific messages, are also included. Expressions such as "um," ''uh-huh," "ya know," "like," and "OK" are referred to as vocal fillers and are considered paralanguage. Vocal fillers are often sprinkled throughout conveisations without forethought or a set order. They might reflect nervousness, speech patterns of a particular subculture, or a personal habit In any case, the use of vocal fillers can influence our image positively or damage and degrade others and us.

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The content of words is verbal communication, whereas the sound quality or volume that creates the words is a form of nonverbal communication. We rely more often on paralanguage than on the words themselves when interpreting another person's message. Note how the meaning of a sentence can vary according to the word that is emphasized: 1. Jane's taking Tom out for pizza tonight. (not Hilary or Dana) 2. Jane's taking Tom out for pizza tonight. (not Bill or Dave) 3. Jane's taking Tom out for pizza tonight. (not staying home) 4. Jane's taking Tom out for pizza tonight. (not seafood or hamburgers) 5. Jane's taking Tom out for pizza tonight. (not tomorrow or next weekend)42 Even though the words in each sentence are identical, each creates an entirely different message solely because of the emphasis placed on specific words. Paralanguage includes pitch (how high or low the voice is), vocal force (intensity or loudness of the voice), rate (speed), quality (overall impression of the voice), and pauses or silence. The way we vary our voices conveys different meanings to receivers. For example, a person who speaks quickly may communicate a message that is different from a person who speaks slowly. Even when the words are the same, if the rate, force, pitch, and quality differ, the receiver's interpretations will differ. Researchers estimate that approximately 38 percent of the meaning of oral communication is affected by our use of voice, by the way in which something is said rather than by what is said. On the basis of paralanguage, we make many judgments about what is being said, the person saying it, the speaking and listening roles, and the credibility of the message. Of course, judgments about people based on paralanguage can be just as unreliable as judgments based on body type. We must therefore recognize the effect that paralanguage has on our communication and adjust our use of it accordingly. 4.2.3.7. Silence The sound of silence is a contradiction l'ri terms; as hard as you try, it is almost impossible to have complete and absolute silence. Silence. or vocal pauses are very communicative, very powerful messages that often say volumes, whether intended or not. Vocal pauses or situations are usually short in duration, whereas silence

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generally refers to extended periods of time without sound. Vocal pauses can be used to emphasize a word or thought or to make a point to get others' attention. For example, a speaker stands in front of an audience and gazes at the audience in the hope of gaining the audience's attention so that they will listen. A teacher pauses during a lecture to get students' attention. Sometimes, people use vocal pauses to gather their thoughts or to allow others time to think. Vocal pauses or prolonged periods of silence can create the perception that you are unsure of yourself, unprepared, or nervous. Regardless of why vocal pauses occur, they do send messages. Silence sometimes seems very awkward in a conversation, especially when you are talking to someone whom you do not know well and who might be of higher status than you. Most of us in this situation feel or sense the pressure to say something to get the conversation going again. Silence can also be used to disconfirm or create discomfort in others. Have you ever said "hello" to someone you admire or respect and he or she didn't reply or acknowledge you? You likely felt slighted or less than important. It is not unusual to use silence to prevent communication with others. Silence can be used to prevent certain topics from surfacing or to prevent someone from saying something that he or she might later regret. Silence is expected in certain contexts, for example, during a funeral or while listening to a speech presentation, or it can be self-imposed as a way of thinking or doing nothing at all. Silence has many possible meanings, none of which is easily interpreted. The next time a good friend says "Hi," try pausing for five to ten seconds before reacting. You will quickly learn the effect silence can have as a message. There are also cultural differences related to silence. What are some negative perceptions conveyed in our culture by silence at a business meeting or social gathering? In many cultures, silence is seen more positively. In Japan, forexample, silence is considered more appropriate than speech in many situations. The intercultural implications of silence are as diverse as those of other nonverbal cues. 4.2.3.8. Smell Smell communication, or olfactics, which is the study of smell or odors, is extremely

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important in our society. Billions of dollars are spent on perfumes, colognes, aftershave lotions, scented candles, deodorant, scented air sprays, soap, and other such products to enhance our surroundings and us. It is likely that when smells are pleasant, we feel better about ourselves. Smell communicates very powerful messages, which can create a multitude of interpretations. In most developed parts of the world, people use an array of cosmetics to eliminate body odor or to replace it with other smells. Americans have the most smell-aversive culture in the world, according to Peter Andersen, a communication scholar. We base many of our perceptions on smell; for example, when food smells good to us, we assume that it will taste good as well, and we are more attracted to others who have pleasant smells than those who do not. Many cultures consider natural odors to be normal; in fact, in some cultures, a person's smell is an extension of that person. As with all types of nonverbal communication, not knowing cultural variations in attitude toward smells can create misunderstandings and misperceptions, which ultimately can lead to incorrect assumptions. 4.2.3.9. Artifacts Artifacts are personal adornments or possessions that communicate information about us. Such things as automobiles, eyeglasses, briefcases, grooming, clothing, hair color, body piercing, tattoos, makeup, and the many hundreds of other material perceptions that we create to communicate our age, gender, status, role, class, importance, group membership, personality, and relationship to others. For example, what are you telling people by the type and color of vehicle you drive? A silver SUV conveys a different message from a green sedan, a red car conveys a different message from a white car, a sports car conveys a much different message from a minivan, and a Cadillac Escalade conveys a different message from a Ford Escape. The number of cars you own also conveys messages about you. How do you react to people who have body piercing and tattoos? It depends, but what does it depend on? Effective communicators learn to adapt their use of artifacts to a specific situation and not to judge others by appearance alone. It is important that we use artifacts that are consistent with and reinforce our intended messages. If the messages that are conveyed are inconsistent, contradictory,

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and not reinforcing, it might be time to do a reality check on the ... ages others are receiving from the artifacts we use. 4.2.3.10. Environment Environment is the psychological and physical surroundings in which communication occurs, including the furniture, architectural design, lighting conditions, temperature, smells, colors, and sounds of the location and the attitudes, feelings, perceptions, and relationships of the participants. The impact of the environment has a lot to do with the individuals, their backgrounds, and their perception of what is important to them at the time of the interaction. The best environment allows a speaker's intended message to be delivered accurately. Thus soft background music, dim lights, a log burning in a fireplace, a tray of hors d' oeuvres, and two candles would create the perfect environment for a romantic encounter but would fail to create the proper atmosphere for a pregame pep rally. 4.2.4. Interpreting and improving nonverbal communication If nonverbal communication is so credible and powerful and if we can define, categorize, describe, and observe it, why do we still have difficulty interpreting it? There are at least three good reasons: 1. Nonverbal cues have multiple meanings. Nonverbal communication is difficult to understand because a single behavior can have many potential meanings. For example, a frown might indicate unhappiness, sadness, anger, pain, thought, aggressiveness, disapproval, dejection, fear, fatigue,

discouragement, disapproval, or a combination of some of these. Unlike words, nonverbal cues lack dictionary definitions. Interpretations are unreliable because they depend so heavily on perceptions. Suppose, for example, that you have just walked out of a sad movie when you see a friend with tears in her eyes, talking to her sister. She might be reacting to the movie, or her crying could stem from breaking up with her boyfriend, hurting herself, or hearing about a death in the family. Her tears could even result from laughing hard at something that occurred after the movie. Of course, some nonverbal behaviors, such as nodding the head for yes and shaking it for no (in U.S. society), are

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consistent in both their meaning and their interpretation. Unfortunately, such consistency is the exception rather than the rule. 2. Nonverbal cues are interdependent. The meaning of one nonverbal cue often depends on the correct interpretation of several other simultaneously occurring cues. For example, when we see someone enter a room, we begin to select certain cues about that person, such as gender, physical traits, facial expressions, voice characteristics, and clothing. Each cue intermeshes with the others and adds to the total picture. This interdependence of nonverbal behaviors and our inability to perceive all aspects of any one nonverbal communication make interpretation risky. Looking for meaning by using more than one nonverbal message at a time is called the functional approach. The functional approach examines nonverbal behavior not by isolating nonverbal cues, but by seeing how each cue interacts and works with the others to perform various communicative functions. 3. Nonverbal cues are subtle. Many nonverbal behaviors are subtle and difficult to observe. A cue that one person notices immediately might be overlooked by another person; thus, multiple interpretations may be made in the same situation. For example, a friend tells you that a person whom you are interested in getting to know has been looking at you, but you haven't noticed the glances or you see the eye contact as more accidental than a deliberate message of interest in you. Nonverbal communication is complex, but there are some things that you can do to interpret it better. First, be observant of and sensitive to the nonverbal messages that you receive. Second, verify nonverbal messages that you are not sure of or that are inconsistent with other cues. Assume, for example, that a friend who used to visit regularly hasn't come over in several weeks. It might seem logical to conclude that she doesn't want to see you anymore, but then again, she might have become wrapped up in her studies, taken a part-time job, or fallen ill. To accurately interpret her behavior, consider all the possibilities and avoid jumping to conclusions. Because it is so tempting to make inferences based on nonverbal behavior, it is important to remember not to go beyond actual observations. One method to help verify the meaning of a

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nonverbal message is to use descriptive feedback, which is the stating of the interpretation of the message received back to the sender. The other person can then clarify an intended meaning. Descriptive feedback is not always necessary, but when a message seems inconsistent with the situation or other behaviors or when you're not sure you have accurately interpreted an important message, you should verify your perceptions with the other person. When using descriptive feedback, do not express agreement or disagreement or draw conclusions; simply describe the message you believe was communicated. For example, if you think someone's behavior seems to indicate that he is uncomfortable around you, but you're not sure, don't ask, "Why are you so nervous when I'm around?" Rather, describe the situation nonjudgmentally: ''Jim, I get the impression that you may not be comfortable around me. ''rs,that the case?" This allows the other person to explain without feeling defensive, and it enables you to avoid inaccurate interpretations. We must be aware of the nonverbal messages we send to others. Fortunately, most of us do a good job of communicating nonverbally and thus do not need to make dramatic changes in the way we behave. Nonetheless, we cannot afford to ignore the effects of our nonverbal behavior or to allow the nonverbal messages that we send to go unexamined. If you find that others often misunderstand your intended meaning, you might want to consider how you communicate nonverbally. When you take action to show that you care about how others perceive your behavior, you are engaging in self-monitoring. Self-monitoring involves the willingness to change behavior to fit a given situation, an awareness of how we affect others, and the ability to regulate nonverbal cues and other factors to influence others' impressions. Self-monitoring is similar, but it goes beyond impression management. It entails both concern with projecting the desired image and the ability to assess the effects of it. Our nonverbal messages greatly influence how others perceive us and our communication. For example, an extremely bright and talented student was constantly being turned down for jobs that he should have been getting. When I asked why he thought this was happening, he replied that he had no idea. To find out, friends videotaped a mock interview in which he was interviewed by another student. When he reviewed the tape, he immediately noticed that he never looked at the interviewer. Instead, his gaze

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wandered about the room. The lack of direct eye contact by the student gave the impression that he lacked confidence and that he might not be totally candid in what he was saying. Once he knew why he was being rejected, he could try to change his behavior. To help him practice, his friends videotaped another interview session. This time, he was reminded to look at the interviewer each time his gaze wandered. After several such sessions, he grew relaxed about looking at the interviewer and consequently appeared more confident and truthful in his communication. Although changing your nonverbal behavior is not simple, it can be done with a little effort and desire. The key is to examine conscientiously how your nonverbal cues may be undermining your intended message. If you realize that you have distracting mannerisms, such as smirking, playing with coins, twisting your hair, shuffling your feet, or saying "you know" or "OK" too much, you can ask others to call your attention to these things. Then you can make a conscious effort to change. Monitor Your Nonverbal Communication 1. Be aware of how people react to you. If you notice that people react to you differently than you anticipate, you may be giving nonverbal messages that differ from your intentions. 2. Ask friends or colleaguesn for their help. It is very difficult to know whether you are sending nonverbal messages that are being misunderstood unless you seek feeaback. 3. Videotape yourself to see how gou appear to others.Then review the videotape by yourself with a friend, or with your teacher to analyze your nonverbal behavior. 4. Adapt to the context or situation in which you find yourself. As you carry out different roles or or find yourself in different communicative contexts, your nonverbal behavior should conform, when appropriate, to the expectations and norms associated with the role or the context, to learn about expectations related to various contexts, observe how others behave in them. For example, if everyone is always on time for a meeting and you are always late, chances are you are violating an established norm. Thus you must make an effort to

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conform, or you will find that your nonverbalbehaviors will be perceived in ways that you might not want them to be.

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CHAPTER 5: LISTENING AND RESPONDING

5.1. Listening skills
Good listeners are rare these days. Studies have shown that most listeners retain less than 50% of what they hear. Imagine what that means when it comes to a conversation that you might have with your boss, a colleague, or a customer. If you speak for ten minutes, chances are that you have only heard about half of that conversation - and so have they. No wonder miscommunications happen so frequently! Yet listening is one of the most vital skills that you need if you want to communicate effectively. Listening allows you to decode the messages that you are receiving, but it also allows you to help others communicate better. When you arent certain of the message that you have heard the first time, listening well allows you to ask the questions that will clarify the message. Of course, listening is important in more arenas than in the work place. We listen for multiple reasons:

To understand others

With as much as listening can do for us, its obvious that we can all benefit from improving our listening skills. We can become more productive at work, more connected in our relationships, and more efficient in everything that we do. But listening also helps us to persuade and negotiate with others. It can help us avoid misunderstandings and can just make life more conflict-free in general. All of these are very good reasons for learning more about how to be a better listener. 5.1.1. How we listen Do you know someone who is interpersonally inert? Interpersonally inert people are those who just don't "get it." You can drop hints that it's late and you'd rather they head home instead of playing another hand of cards, but they don't pick up on your verbal and nonverbal cues. They may hear you, but they certainly aren't listening; they

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are not making sense out of your symbols. Hearing is the physiological process of decoding sounds. You hear when the sound waves reach your eardrum and cause the middle ear bones (the hammer, anvil, and stirrup) to vibrate. Eventually, the sound vibrations are translated into electrical impulses that reach your brain. In order to listen to something, you must first select that sound from competing sounds. Listening, defined succinctly, is the process we use to make sense out of what we hear; it is a complex process of receiving, constructing meaning from, and responding to verbal and nonverbal messages. Listening involves five activities: (1) selecting, (2) attending, (3) understanding, (4) remembering, and-to confirm that listening has occurred, (5) responding. Understanding these five elements in the listening process can help you ruagnose where you sometimes get off track when listening. Having a framework to better describe the listening process can help you figure out how to get back on track and increase your listening skill. 1. Selecting To select a sound is to focus on one sound as you sort through the myriad of noises competing for your attention. Even now, as you are reading this book, there are probably countless sounds within earshot. Stop reading for a moment. What sounds surround you? Do you hear music? Is a TV on? Maybe there is the tick of a clock, a whir of a computer, or a whoosh of a furnace or an air conditioner. To listen-to be sensitive to another person-you must first select the sound or nonverbal behavior that symbolizes meaning. The interpersonally inert person does not pick up on the clues because he or she is oblivious to the information. 2. Attending After selecting a sound, you attend to it. To attend is to maintain a sustained focus on a particular message. When you change channels on your TY, you first select the channel and then you attend to the program you've selected. Attention can be brief. You may attend to the program or commercial for a moment and then move on or return to other thoughts or other sounds. Just as

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you tune in to TV programs that reflect your taste in information while you channel surf, you attend to messages of others that satisfy your needs or whims. What holds our attention? Typically, conflict, new ideas, humor, or something we can see or that is concrete holds our attention more easily than abstract ideas that don't relate to us. If you're having difficulty sustaining attention to a message, it may be because what you're listening to does not immediately seem to relate to you. So you may need to work a bit harder, either to concentrate on the message or to consider ways in which the message is relevant or important to you. 3. Understanding It's been estimated that we hear over one billion words each year, but we understand a mere fraction of that number. To understand is to assign meaning to messages-to interpret a message by making sense out of what you hear. You can select and attend to sounds and nonverbal cues but not interpret what yoti see and hear. Hearing and seeing are physiological processes. Understanding occurs when you relate what you hear and see to your experiences or knowledge. Perhaps you have heard the Montessori school philosophy: I hear, I forget; I see, I remember; I experience, I understand. It is when we can relate our experiences to what we hear and see that we achieve understanding. 4. Remembering Considered part of the listening process because it's the primary way we determine whether a message was understood. To remember is to recall information. Some scholars speculate that you store every detail you have ever heard or witnessed; your mind operates like a computer's hard drive, recording each life experience. But you cannot retrieve or remember all of the bits of information. Sometimes, even though you were present, you have no recollection of what occurred in a particular situation. You can't consciously remember everything; your eye is not a camera; your ear is not a microphone; your mind is not a hard drive. The first communication principle we presented in this book is to become selfaware. When we are not self-aware of our actions, thoughts, or what we are perceiving-when we are

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mindless-our ability to remember what occurs plummets. We increase our ability to remember what we hear by being not only physically present, but mentally present. Our brains have both short-term and long-term memory storage. Short-term memory is where you store almost all the information you hear. You look up a phone number in the telephone book, mumble the number to yourself, then dial the number, only to discover that the line is busy. Three minutes later you have to look up the number again because it did not get stored in your long-term memory. Our short-term storage area is limited. Just as airports have oiily a relatively few short-term parking spaces, but lots of spaces for long-term parking, our brains can accommodate a few things of fleeting significance, but not vast amounts of information. Most of us forget hundreds of bits of insignificant information that pass though our cortical centers each day. You tend to remember what is important to you, or something you try to remember or have practiced to remember (like the information in this book for your next communication test). You tend to remember dramatic information (such as where you were when you heard about the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks) or vital information (such as your phone number or your mother's birthday). 5. Responding Communication is a transactive process-not a one-way, linear one. Communication involves responding to others as well as simply articulating messages. You respond to people to let them know you understand their message. Your lack of response may signal that you didn't understand the message. Your predominant response is often unspoken; direct eye contact and head nods let your partner know you're tuned in. An unmoving, glassy-eyed, frozen stupor may tell your communication partner that you are physically present, yet mentally a thousand miles away. As you'll discover in the next section, most people have a certain style of listening and responding to others. 5.1.2. Listening styles

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Although we've descnbed the typical elements in the listening process, not everyone has the same style or approach to listening. Your listening style is your preferred way of making sense out of the messages you hear and see. Some people, for example, prefer to listen to brief chunks of information. Others seem more interested in focusing on the feelings and emotions expressed. What's your listening style? Knowing your style can help you adapt and adjust your listening style when listening to others. Listening researchers Kitty Watson, Larry Barker, and James Weaver have found that people tend to listen using one or more of four listening styles: people-oriented, action-oriented, content-oriented, or timeoriented. 5.1.2.1. People-Oriented Listeners

People-oriented listeners tend to prefer listening to people's emotions and feelings. They are quite interested in hearing personal information from others. A peopleoriented listener searches for common interests and seeks to empathize with the feelings of others-she or he connects emotionally with the sentiments and passions others express. There is some evidence that people-oriented listeners are less apprehensive when communicating with others in small groups and interpersonal situations. 5.1.2.2. Action-Oriented Listeners

Action-oriented liateners like information to be well organized, brief, and free of errors. While listening to a rambling story, the action-oriented listener may think, "Get to the point" or "Why should I be listening to this?" Action-oriented listeners want to do something with the information they hear; they want it to serve a purpose or function, and they become impatient with information that doesn't seem to have a ''bottom line." Action-oriented listeners tend to be a bit more skeptical and critical than are peopleoriented listeners of the information they hear. Researchers call this skepticism second-guessing-questioning the assumptions underlying a message. It's called second-guessing because the listeners don't always assume that what they hear is accurate or relevant; they make a second guess about the accuracy of the information they are listening to. Accuracy of information is especially important to actionoriented

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listeners, because if they are going to use the information in some way, the information should be valid. 5.1.2.3. Content Oriented Listeners

Content-oriented listeners are more comfortable listening to detailed, complex information than are those with other listening styles. A content-oriented listener is likely to perceive a message presented without details, facts, and evidence as less important and valuable than a message that includes rich content. Content-oriented'' listeners, like action-oriented listeners, are likely to second-guess the information they hear. They are constantly checking messages for accuracy, because accurate, detailed information is highly valued. Content-oriented listeners are skilled at listening to arguments and debates, because they prefer to listen to messages with a significant amount of information in them. They are less patient listening to stories, anecdotes, and illustrations that don't convey much information. 5.1.2.4. Time-Oriented Listeners

Time-oriented listeners like brief, short messages. They have much to do and don't want to waste time listening to lengthy talk. A time-oriented listener is likely to look at his or her watch and be conscious of how long it is taking to listen to a message. Whereas the content-oriented listener prefers to hear messages that are chock-full of details, the time-oriented listener would rather hear brief "sound bites" that quickly get to the point. Time-oriented listeners are typically busy people; they gauge their success by what they can accomplish, so they are more sensitive to the length of messages than are people with the other three listening styles. Summary Listening styles People-oriented Characteristics Listeners prefer to attend to feelings and emotions and to search for common areas of interest when listening to others. Listeners prefer to focus on inforination that is organized and accurate; they want a speaker to get to the point and emphasize what action should be taken with the information they hear. Listeners prefer to hear complex, detailed infotmation and expect facts and evidence to support key ideas.

Action-oriented

Content-oriented

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Time-oriented

Listeners prefer brief messages that are presented efficiently without digressions; they are busy listeners and don't want to spend a lot of time listening to long-winded stories and anecdotes.

5.1.3. Adapting to listening styles How does knowing that most people have preferences for particular types of messages benefit you? There are at least two reasons to give some thought to your listening style and the listening styles of others. First, knowing your own listening style can help you adapt and adjust your listening style to fit the listening situation. If, for example, you are a people-oriented listener and you're listening to a message that has little information about people but lots of technical details, be aware that you will have to work harder to stay tuned in to the message. Second, it can be useful to be aware of the listening style of others so that you can communicate messages that others are more likely to listen to. If you know your spouse is a content-oriented listener, then communicate a message that is rich in information; that's what your spouse prefers. Tell the content-oriented listener, "Here are three things I have to tell you." Then say those three things. The content preview tells your content-oriented listener that you are about to convey three pieces of information. Content-oriented listeners like to know that the message about to be presented contains useful inforniation. Of course, it may be difficult to determine someone's listening style, especially someone you don't know very well. But it is both easier and worth the time to consider the listening styles of people you do know well (such as your family members, your coworkers, your boss). Knowing your listening style and the listening styles of others can help you adapt your communication to enhance the accuracy of your own listening and the appropriateness of information you communicate to others. 5.1.4. Managing listening barriers Although we spend almost half of our communication time listening, some say we don't use that time well. One day after hearing something, most people remember only about half of what was said. It gets worse. Two days later, our listening comprehension drops by another 50% . The result: Two days after hearing a lecture or speech, most of us remember about 25 % of what we hear. Our listening deteriorates

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not only when we listen to speeches or lectures, but when we interact interpersonally. Even in the most intimate relationships (or perhaps we should say especially in the most intimate relationships), we tune out what others are saying. One study reported that we sometimes pay more attention to strangers than to our close friends or spouses. Married couples tend to interrupt each other more often than nonmarried couples and are usually less polite to each other than are strangers involved in a simple decisionmaking task. What keeps us from listening well? The most critical elements are (1) selfbarrierspersonal habits that work against listening well; (2) information-processing barriers the way we mentally manage information; and (3) context barriers-the surroundings in which we listen. 5.1.4.1. Self Barriers

"We have met the enemy and he is us" is the oft-quoted line from the comic strip Pogo. Evidence suggests we are our own worst enemy when it comes to listening to evaluate, or empathize. We mentally comment on the words we hear and the behavior we observe. Our internal thoughts are like a playby- play sports commentator describing the action of a sports contest. If our internal narration is focused on the message, then it may be useful. But we often attend to our own internal dialogues and diatribes instead of to others' messages; when we do that, our listening effectiveness plummets. Self-Focus. That personal play-by-play commentary we may be carrying on in our minds is typically about us. "How long will I have to be here for this lecture?" "Wonder what's for dinner tonight?" "I've got to get that report finished." "She's still talking-will we be out of here in ten minutes?" "Do I have a school meeting tonight or is that tomorrow night?" Focusing on an internal message often keeps us from selecting and attending to the other person's message. If there is a competition between listening to what someone else may be droning on about and focusing on own needs and agenda.. Another symptom of self-focus is our tendency to think about what we are going to say while we look like we are listening to someone else. What can you do to regain your listening focus if you are focused on yourself rather than on the other person's message? Consider these suggestions: yourself drifting off, thinking about your agenda, rather than concentrating on the speaker.

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Concentrate. After you become aware that your internal self-focused messages are distracting you from listening well, intensity your efforts to stay on task. If your internal "announcer" is telling you that the message is boring, useless, or stupid, make sure you don't mindlessly tune the message out. Yes, some messages are boring, useless, and stupid. But the habit of quickly dismissing ideas and messages without making an effort to stay focused on them will keep you from being nominated for the Listening Hall of Fame. Be active rather than passive. The key to concentration is finding ways to be involved in the communication process. Taking notes when appropriate and providing nonverbal and even sometimes verbal feedback to the speaker can help keep your focus on the speaker rather than on you. If you don't undertand something the speaker says, ask for clarification. Don't just sit there and "take it"; if you find your concentration waning, you'll more than likely "leave it." Emotional Noise. Emotions are powerful. Your current body posture, facial expression, and even your blood pressure are affected by your emotional state. What we see and hear affects our emotions. Emotional noise occurs when our emotional arousal interferes with communication effectiveness. Certain words or phrases can arouse emotions very quickly; and, of course, the same word may arouse different emotions in different people. You respond emotionally because of your cultural background, religious convictions, or political philosophy. Words that reflect negatively on your nationality, ethnic origin, or religion can trigger strong emotional reactions. Cursing and obscene language may also reduce your listening efficiency. If you grew up in a home in which rated language was never used, then four-letter words may distract you. Sometimes it's not just a word but a concept or idea that causes an emotional eruption. Thirdtrimester abortion and public school prayer, for example, are topics guaranteed to get radio talk show hosts' audiences involved in lively discussion. Whether you love him or hate him, TV talk show host Jerry Springer is a master at pushing emotional hot buttons for his talk show guests; and when emotions become heated, thoughtful listening is rare. The emotional state of the speaker may also affect your ability to understand and evaluate what you hear. One researcher found that if you are listening to someone who is emotionally distraught, you will be more likely to

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focus on his or her emotions than on the content of the message. Another researcher advises that when you are communicating with someone who is emotionally excited, you should remain calm and focused, and try simply to communicate your interest in the other person. What are other strategies to keep your emotions from getting the best of you? It's not always easy, but research suggests there are ways of not letting your emotions run amok. Daniel Goleman offers several research-based strategies in his best-selling book Emotional Intelligence. To be emotionally intelligent is to have the ability to understand, manage, and appropriately express emotions. For example, one simple yet powerful strategy to manage emotions when you from you may be ready to lose it is to take a deep breath. Yes, just breathe. Taking a deep, slow breath is a way of regaining control by calming down. It helps make you more conscious of your anger or frustration, much like the old technique of counting to ten. Another strategy for managing emotions is to use the power of self-talk. Tell yourself you won't get angry. Early detection of the emotions bubbling inside you can help you assess and then manage emotions before your nonrational, emotional impulses take control. As we've noted, it's not inappropriate to experience emotions; however, unchecked, intense emotional outbursts do not enhance your ability to listen, comprehend, or empathize with others. Sometimes, of course, expressing your frustration is appropriate. We're not suggesting you go through life unrealistically serene or that you avoid experiencing emotions. Only the dead never become emotional. We do suggest that you become aware of the effect that emotions have on your listening ability; this is a constructive first step to avoid being ruled by unchecked emotions. The principle of self-awareness gives you choice and control. Your listening challenge is to avoid emotional sidetracks and keep your attention focused on the message. When emotionally charged words or actions kick your internal dialogue into high gear, make an effort to quiet it down and steer back to the subject at hand. Becoming consciously aware of our emotions and then talking to ourselves about our feelings is a way of not letting emotions get out of hand. Criticism. We usually associate the word "criticism" with negative judgments and attitudes. Although critiquing a message can provide positive as well as negative

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insights, most of us don't like to be criticized. Mother Teresa once said, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Being inappropriately critical of the speaker may distract us from focusing on the message. A person's appearance and speech characteristics can affect your ability to listen to him or her. Many a speaker's droning monotone, lack of eye contact, and distracting mannerisms have contributed to his or her ideas not being well received-even if the ideas are potentially life-changing for the listener. The goal of a sensitive communicator is to be conscious of when the delivery or other distracting features of the message or messenger are interfering with the ability simply to listen. In fact, now that you are studying principles of communication, you may find that this problem looms even larger, because you now pay more attention to nonverbal cues. It would be unrealistic to suggest that you refrain from criticizing speakers and their messages. It is realistic, however, to monitor your internal critiques of speakers to make sure you are aware of your biases. Good listeners say to themselves, "While this speaker may be distracting, I am simply not going to let appearance or mannerisms keep my attention from the message." For example, Stephen Hawking is a prizewinning physicist at Cambridge University in England; because of a disability, he is able to speak only with the aid of computer-synthesized sounds. He is unquestionably brilliant. If you let his speaking delivery overpower you, you'd miss his marvelous message. Avoid using your mental energy to criticize a speaker unnecessarily; the longer your mental critique, 'the less you'll remember. 5.1.4.2. Information-processing barriers

In addition to selfbarriers that contribute to our loss of focus on messages, sometimes the way in which we use the information that comes to our eyes, minds, and hearts creates listening problems. The way in which we process the information we hear may keep us from being good listeners. Four information-processing listening barriers are (1) our information-processing rate, (2) information overload, (3) receiver apprehension, and ( 4) shifting attention. the difference between our ability to process information and the rate at which information comes to us. The barrier boils down to this: You can think faster than people speak. People speak 125 words per minute, give or take a few words. You have tremendous ability, however, some people can listen to

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600 to 800 words a minute and still make sense out of what the speaker is saying; another estimate puts the processing rate up to 1200 words per minute. Yet another estimate claims that we think not just in words but also in images and sounds: We can-process 2000 bits of information a minute for short periods of time. This difference between average speaking rate and your capacity to make sense out of words as they register in your cortical centers can cause trouble. You have extra time on your hands to tune in to your own thoughts, rather than focus on the speaker. You can use your information-processing rate to your advantage if you use the extra time to summarize mentally what a speaker is saying. By periodically sprinkling in mental summaries during a conversation, you can dramatically increase your listening ability and make the speech-rate/thought-rate difference work to your advantage. Information Overloaded. Information abounds. We are constantly bombarded with sights and sound bites, and experts suggest that the amount of information competing for our attention is going to increase in the future. Incoming messages and information on computers, fax machines, e-mail, mobile phones, beepers, and other devices can interrupt conversations and distract us from listening to others. The amount of information coming at us on any given day also wears us out. The one word to describe many a poor listener is ''weary." We spend 45 % of our communication time listening, and the pace at which the information zips toward us exhausts us. The billion words that we hear contribute to our fatigue. Again we recommend selfawareness. Be on the alert for drifting attention due to information overload. And when the encroaching information dulls your attentiveness, either take a break or consider conducting some communication triage (determining what's urgent and what's not urgent) so you can focus on the information that is most important. Receiver Apprehension. Just as some people are fearful of presenting a speech or speaking up during a meeting, research suggests that some people are fearful of receiving information. Receiver apprehension is fear of misunderstanding or misinterpreting the messages spoken by others or of not being able to adjust psychologically to messages expressed by others. Some people may just be fearful of receiving new information and being able to understand it. Or it may just be a characteristic or pattern in the way some people respond psychologically to

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information; they may not be able to make sense out of some of what they hear, which causes them to be anxious or fearful of listening to others. If you are fearful of receiving information, you 'll remember less information. What are the implications for you of research on receiver apprehension? If you know that you are fearful of listening to new information, you'll have to work harder to understand the information presented. Using a tape recorder to record a lecture may help you feel more comfortable and less anxious about trying to remember every point. Becoming actively involved in the listening experience by taking notes or mentally repeating information to yourself may also help. Shifting Attention. Can you multitask? Some people can easily do two things at once; some people can't. Emerging research evidence suggests that men are more likely to have difficulty attending to multiple messages: When they are focused on a message, they may have more difficulty than women in carrying on a conversation with another person. Men have a tendency to lock on to a message, while women seem more adept at shifting between two or more simultaneous messages. When many men watch a TV program, they seem lost in thought-oblivious to other voices around them. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to be carrying on a conversation with one person and also focusing on a message they may hear nearby. No, this difference doesn't mean that women are more likely to eavesdrop intentionally but that some women have greater potential to listen to two things at once. What are the implications? It may be especially important for women to stop and focus on the messages of others, rather than on either internal or external competing messages. And men may need to be sensitive to others who may want to speak to them, rather than becoming fixated on their own internal message or on a single external message such as a program on TV. 4.1.4.3. Context Barriers

In addition to listening barriers related to how you process information and self barriers that occur when your emotions and thoughts crowd out a message, listening barriers can arise from the communication context or situation. Specifically, time, place, and outside noise can distract you from selecting, attending, understanding, remembering, and responding to messages.

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Barriers of Time and Place. The time of day can interfere with your listening acuity. Are you a morning person or an evening person? Morning people are cheerfully and chirpily at their mental peak before lunch. Evening people prefer to tackle major projects after dark; they are at their worst when they arise in the morning. Use the skill development activity on page 129 to plot your ideal work time, the period when you are at your sharpest. If you know you are sharper in the morning, whenever possible schedule your key listening times then. Evening listeners should try to shift heavy listening to the evening hours. Of course, that's not always practical. If you can't change the time of listening, you can increase your awareness of when you will need to listen with greater concentration. Don't assume that because you are ready to talk, the other person is ready to listen. If your message is particularly sensitive or important, you may want to ask your listening partner, "Is this a good time to talk?" Even if he or she says yes, look for eye contact and a responsive facial expression to make sure the positive response is genuine. External Noise. Noise is anything that interferes with your ability to listen to a message. Although you may think of noise as sounds you hear, noise can be processed by any one of your five senses. Not just sounds but also sights, the feeling of something touching you, even tastes and smells can affect your listening ability. For most people, the best listening environment is one that offers as few distractions as possible. When you want to talk to someone, pick a quiet time and place, especially if you know you will be discussing a potentially difficult topic. Even in your own home it may be a challenge to find a quiet time to talk. (Perhaps a good title for a text on listening would be How to Turn Off the TV.) Listening takes all the powers of concentration that you can muster. A good listener seeks a quiet time and place to maximize listening comprehension. Closing a door or window, turning off the television or radio, asking noisy or offensive talkers to converse more quietly or not at all, or simply moving to a less distracting location are steps that you may need to pursue to manage the noise barrier. 4.1.5. 4.1.5.1. Improving listening skills Effective listening types

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Pseudo listening. Someone only pretends to listen when they really are not. Typical non-listening behavior includes smiling and nodding occasionally, and looking directly at the speaker. Stage-hogging. The listener changes the conversation on purpose so that the conversation is about him or her. For example, if someone is having a conversation about their work, the non-listener will chime in about something unrelated yet make the conversation the subject of him or her. The non-listener is deliberately trying to tune out what is being said and shows disrespect for the speaker. When the non- listener tunes out someone or changes the topic it's because they are genuinely not interested in what is being said to them. In my opinion, this type of person just wants to maintain control over the conversation, which, to me is disrespectful. Monopolizing. Someone continually focuses listening on themselves, not the speaker. The person listening keeps shifting the topic to themselves. To me, this is a very selfish and narcissistic approach to listening because the person wants the conversation to be all about them! Selective listening. The listener pays attention to only parts of the conversation. Selective listening happens because people cannot absorb everything being said. So they use selective listening as a sort of screening tool to filter out parts of a conversation. I compare this to skimming pages when reading. When I read a textbook or novel I tend to skim read the pages because I simply cannot absorb every single word. Trying to do so would lead to information overload and leave me with a headache. Defensive listening. Defensive listening happens when someone perceives a personal attack on them. For instance, if I tell someone that they look like they have lost weight, the person might think I'm suggesting that they used to look fat. I didn't intend to criticize them; I merely meant to compliment that person on how they look now than they did before. Literal listening. This type of ineffective listening happens only when the listener ignores the relationship level of meaning. By listening literally we become insensitive to other's feelings. One example of listening on a literal level is when a boss dishes

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out the company policy on sick leave, but has no real interest in the sick worker's reason for taking off from work. 4.1.5.2. Effective listening

Self-Awareness An important tool for becoming a good listener is becoming aware of your own behavior, feelings, and habits when listening. Do you know whether or not you are a good listener? Are you only a good listener in certain situations, like when listening to a friend who is upset? Or can you also listen in a tense situation

when you have to communicate with someone who is angry, stressed, or expressing an opposing opinion to your own? Take time to become aware of your own listening behavior in different scenarios. At work, at home, with friends, with strangers, or with other groups that you communicate with, notice the following: Your body language - how are you standing or sitting? Are you tense or elaxed? In an open position or a closed one? Do you make eye contact? Do you keep it? Or do you look away, look down, or turn your eyes to other people or things in your environment? Are you following every word? Could you repeat what was just said erbatim? Or is your mind wandering off to lunch, that email you need to write, or that one call you just had? Are you planning what you will say in return? All of these behaviors make it difficult to be a good listener. You may be sending the message to the speaker that their message is unimportant - or worse, that they are unimportant. As you practice better listening skills, youll need to be able to recognize when youre straying back to these old behaviors. Being self-aware will let you selfcorrect and get better and better at listening to others. Becoming active listeners Stop: Turn Off Competing Messages Many of the barriers to improved listening skill arise because we focus on ourselves and our own messages, rather than focusing on others. As we noted earlier, while you

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are ''listening," you may also be "talking" to yourself-providing a commentary about the messages you hear. These internal, self-generated messages may distract you from giving your undivided attention to what others are saying. In order to select and attend to the messages of others, we need to become aware of our internal dialogue and stop our own running commentary about issues and ideas that are self-focused rather than other-focused. Members of some religious groups take a vow to be silent and not talk to anyone else. They literally stop talking. Does this make them better listeners? One research team wanted to know the impact of various types of listening training, including being silent for 12 hours. One group heard a lecture about how to be better listenersprobably like the lectures you hear in this course; the group then took a test to assess their overall listening skill. A second group promised not to talk to anyone for 12 hours they literally gave others the "silent treatment." Then they, too, took a test to assess their listening ability. A third group both heard a listening lecture and were silent for 12 hours; then they also took the listening test. The results: There were no differences in listening test scores among the groups-all groups seemed to listen equally well, according to test results. But those who kept silent for 12 hours reported that they thought they were more attentive to others, more conscious of being good listeners. The researchers concluded that literally stopping to listen more and talk less can increase awareness of listening. Their research supports the maxim that "You have been given two ears and one.mouth so that you will listen more and talk less." We're not suggesting you not talk, but we are suggesting that you increase your awareness of how your own thoughts and talk can interfere with being a good listener. Stop-do your best to eliminate mental messages that keep you from listening well. Try a process called social decentering. Social decentering involves stepping away from your own thoughts and attempting to experience the thoughts of another. In essence, you're asking yourself this question: "If I were the other person, what would be thinking?" To decenter is to practice the first principle of communicationself- awareness-and to be aware that your own thoughts are keeping you from focusing on another's message, so that you can focus on the other person. Of course, we are not suggesting that your

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own ideas and internal dialogue should be forever repressed; that would be both impossible and inappropriate. We are suggesting, however, that to connect to another, you must place the focus on the other person rather than on yourself. To decenter requires conscious effort. Decentering is a mental or cognitive process that involves trying to guess what someone else may be thinking. In attempting to decenter, consider this question, "If I were my communication partner, what would I be thinking?" . The essence of the "stop" step is to become aware of whether you are listening or not listening to someone. You are either on task (focusing on another) or off task (oblivious to another and focusing on your own thoughts and emotions). The goal, of course, is to be on task-listening to others. Look: Listen with Your Nonverbal messages are powerful, especially in communicating feelings, attitudes, and emotions. A person's facial expression, presence or lack of eye contact, posture, and use of gestures speak volumes, even when no word is uttered. When words are spoken, the added meaning that comes from vocal cues provides yet another dimension to the emotion and nature of the relationship. Sensitive listeners are aware of nonverbal as well as verbal messages; they listen with their eyes as well as their ears. A person's body movement and posture, for example, communicate the intensity of his or her feelings, while facial expression and vocal cues provide clues as to the specific emotion being expressed. A competent listener notices these cues, and an incompetent listener attempts to decode a message based only on what is said rather than "listening between the lines." When there is a contradiction between the verbal and nonverbal message, we will almost always believe the unspoken message; nonverbal cues are more difficult to fake. Besides looking at someone to discern his or her emotions and relational cues, it is important to establish eye contact, which signals that you are focusing your attention on your partner. Even though mutual eye contact typically lasts only one to seven seconds, when we cany on an interpersonal conversation, it is important to establish and reestablish eye contact to signal that you are on task and listening. We usually have more eye contact with someone when we are listening than when talking. Looking over your partner's head, peeking at your

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watch, or gazing into space will likely tell him or her you're not tuned in. Even though there are cultural variations in the advice to establish eye contact (for example, soine children in African American homes have been taught to avoid eye contact with highstatus people), generally, for most North Americans, eye contact signals that the communication channel is open and the communication is welcome. In addition to eye contact, other nonverbal cues signal whether you are on task and responsive to the messages of others. If you look like you are listening, you will be more likely to listen. Remaining focused, not fidgeting with your hands and feet, and even leaning forward slightly are other nonverbal cues that communicate to someone that you are listening .Appropriate head nods and verbal responses also signal that you are attending to your partner's message. Listen: Understand Both Details and Major Ideas How do you improve your listening skill? Now that you've stopped your own internal dialogue and looked for nonverbal cues, it's time to listen. Here are six additional strategies for improving your listening skill. Identify Your Listening Goal You listen to other people for a variety of reasons. Knowing your listening goal can increase your self-awareness of the listening process and increase your skill. If you're listening to Aunt Deonna talk about her recent trip to Northern Minnesota for her annual bear hunt, you need not worry about taking extensive notes and trying to remember all of the details of her expedition. But when your sociology professor tells a story to illustrate a sociological theory, you should be more attuned to the point he is making; his theory may be on a test. There are also times when you need to be on your guard to evaluate the message of a politician or salesperson. There are four primary listening goals: to enjoy, to learn, to evaluate, and to empathize. Listening to Enjoy: Sometimes we listen just because the ability to listen for pure enjoyment. it's fun. You might listen to music, watch TY, go to a movie, or visit with a friend. Because you know you won't be tested on jay Leno's Tonight Show monologue, you can relax and just enjoy his humor; you don't have to worry about passing a test to remember each punch line.

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Listening to Learn: Nothing snaps a class to attention more quickly than a professor's proclamation that "This next point will be covered on the test." Another key reason we listen is to learn. But you don't have to be a college student to listen to learn. Phone calls and conversations with family and friends contain information that we want to remember. In interpersonal situations, you listen for such everyday information as who will pick up the kids after school and what to buy at the grocery store for tonight's dinner. If you are aware that your listening goal is to learn and remember information, you can increase your powers of concentration and pay more attention to understanding and remembering the message. Listening to Evaluate: When you listen to evaluate, you try to determine whether the information you hear is valid, reliable, believable, or useful. One problem you may have when you listen to evaluate is that you may become so preoccupied with your criticism that you may not completely understand the message. Often the very process of evaluating and making judgments and decisions about information interferes with the capacity to understand and recall. To compensate for this tendency, first make sure that you understand what a person is saying before making a judgment about the value of the information. When listening to evaluate, you use critical-listening skills such as separating facts from inferences, identifying fallacies in reasoning, and analyzing evidence. We discuss these important skills throughout this book. Listening to Empathize: The word empathy comes from a Greek word for "passion" and the German word Einfii.hlung, meaning "to feel with." To empathize with someone is to try to feel what he or she is feeling, rather than just to think about or acknowledge the feelings. In effect, you act as a sounding board for the other person. Empathic listening serves an important therapeutic function. Just having an empathic listener may help someone out. No, we are not empowering you to be a therapist, but we are suggesting that simply listening and feeling with someone can help your communication partner sort things out Empathic listeners don't judge or offer advice. They listen because being listened to is soothing and can often restore a person's perspective. Being

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aware that your listening goal is to empathize, rather than to remember or to evaluate what you are listening to, is the first step to being a skilled empathic listener. If you were listening to someone give you directions to Centennial Hall, one of the oldest buildings on campus, you would listen differently than if your sister were telling you about her fears that her marriage was on the rocks. In the case of your sister, your job is to listen patiently and provide emotional support. In trying to get to Centennial Hall, you would be focusing on the specific details and making either mental or written notes. Mentally Summarize the Details of the Message. This suggestion may seem to contradict the suggestion to avoid focusing only on facts, but it is important to have a grasp of the details your partner presents. Yet to listen is to do more than focus on facts. Studies suggest that poor listeners are more likely to focus on only facts and data, rather than the overall point of the message. To listen is to connect the details of the message with the major points. You can process words more quickly than a person speaks, so you can use the extra time to your advantage by periodically summarizing the names, dates, and facts embedded in the message. If the speaker is disorganized and rambling, use your tremendous mental ability to reorganize the speaker's information into categories, or try to place events in chronological order. If you miss the details, you will likely miss the main point. the most sense when we can use them to support an idea or point. Mentally weave your summaries of the details into a focused major point or series of major ideas. So as you summarize, link the facts you have organized in your mind with key ideas and principles. Use facts to enhance your critical thinking as you analyze, synthesize; evaluate, and finally summarize the key points or ideas your partner makes. Practice by Listening to Difficult or Challenge Material. You learn any skill with practice. Listening experts suggest that our listening skills deteriorate if we listen only to easy and entertaining material. Make an effort to listen to news or documentary programs. As you listen to material in a lecture that may seem chock full of content, make a conscious effort to stay focused, concentrate, and summarize facts and major ideas. Work to Overcome Listening Barriers.

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If you can avoid the listening barriers we presented earlier, you will be well on your way to improving your listening skill. Make it a deliberate goal not to be self-focused, let emotional noise distract yon, or criticize a message before you've understood it. Watch out for information overload. And, when possible, take steps to minimize external noise and provide an environment more conducive to listening. Listen Actively. Our suggestion that you listen actively is a distillation of the other recommendations we've offered. Active listeners are engaged listeners who listen with both their minds, and their hearts. They are engaged physically and mentally in the listening process. They are aware of what they are doing; they stop thinking about things that might take them off the track. They also have good eye contact with the speaker and communicate their interest with an intent facial expression and slight forward lean. By contrast, passive listeners are not involved listeners; they are detached and may fake attention with a frozen, nonexpressive facial expression. One listening research team noted that a passive listener receives information by being talked to rather than as an equal partner in the speaking-listening exchange. This same team described active listeners as people who Give full attention to others. Focus on what is being said. Expend considerable energy participating in the listening process. Have an alert posture. Maintain much direct eye contact. It seems the best listeners are mentally alert, physically focused on the other person, and actively involved in seeking understanding. In short, they stop, they look, and they listen.

5.2.

Responding skills

To respond is to provide feedback to another about his or her behavior or communication. Your response can be verbal or nonverbal. Your thoughtful response serves several purposes. First, it tells a speaker how well you have understood his or her message. Second, your response lets a speaker know how the message affects you. It indicates whether you agree or disagree. Third, it provides feedback about

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statements or assumptions that you find vague, confusing, or wrong. It helps an individual keep the communication on target and purposeful. Finally, your response signals to the speaker that you are still "with" him or her that you are still ready to receive messages. To respond appropriately and effectively, consider the following strategies. 5.2.1. Responding strategies Be Descriptive "I see that from a different point of view" sounds better than "You're wrong, I'm right." Effective feedback describes rather than evaluates what you hear. Although one listening goal is to evaluate and make critical judgments of messages, evaluate once you're sure you understand the speaker. We're not suggesting it's easy to listen from a nonevaluative perspective, or that you should refrain from ever evaluating messages and providing praise or negative comments. Remember: Feedback that first acts like a mirror to help the speaker understand what he or she has said is more useful than a barrage of critical comments. Describing your own reactions to what your partner has said rather than pronouncing a quick judgment on his or her message is also more likely to keep communication flowing. If your partner thinks your prime purpose in listening is to take pot-shots at the message or the messenger, the communication climate will cool quickly. Be Timely Feedback is usually most effective at the earliest opportunity after the behavior or message is presented, especially if the purpose is to teach. Waiting to provide a response after much time has elapsed invites confusion. Now let us contradict our advice. Sometimes, especially if a person is already sensitive and upset about something, delaying feedback can be wise. Use your criticalthinking skills to analyze when feedback will do the most good. Rather than automatically offering immediate correction, use the just-in-time (TIT) approach. Provide feedback just before the person might make another mistake, just in time for the feedback to have the most benefit. Be Brief

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Less information can be more. Cutting down on the amount of your feedback can highlight the importance of what you do share. Don't overwhelm your listener with details that obscure the key point of your feedback. Brief is usually best. Be Useful Perhaps you've heard this advice: "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, it doesn't sound pretty, and it annoys the pig." When you provide feedback to someone, be certain that it is useful and relevant. Ask yourself, "lfl were this person, how would I respond to this information? Is it information I can act on?" Immersing your partner in information that is irrelevant or that may be damaging to the relationship may make you feel better but may not enhance the quality of your relationship or improve understanding. 5.2.2. Responding with empathy Empathy, as we noted earlier in the chapter, is the process of feeling what another person is feeling. To empathize is more than just to acknowledge that another person feels a particular emotion-being empathic is making an effort to feel the emotion yourself. Responding with empathy is especially important if you are listening to provide support and encouragement to someone. Being empathic is not a single skill but several related skills that help you predict how others will respond. Central to being empathic is being emotionally intelligent. As we noted earlier in this chapter, emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and express emotion, interpret emotions in yourself and others, and regulate or manage emotions. Daniel ' Goleman suggests that people who are emotionally intelligent-sensitive to others, empathic, and other oriented- have better relationships with others. Goleman summarizes the importance of emotions in developing empathy by quoting Antoine De Saint Exupery: "It is with the heart that one sees rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." At the heart of empathic listening is the ability, not only to know when to speak but also to know when to be silent. Henri Nouwen eloquently expressed both the challenge and the rewards of empathic listening: To listen is very hard, because it asks of us so much interior stability that we no longer

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need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept. Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings. The beauty of listening is that those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends, to get to know their inner selves more fully, and even to dare to be silent with you. Some people are simply better at being empathic than others. Just as you inherit physical qualities from your parents, there is also evidence that you inherit communication traits as well. This does not mean that if you are not naturally empathic, you can never develop empathic skills; it does mean you may have to work a bit harder to enhance these skills. To assess your empathic skill, take the "Test Your Empathy Ability" quiz at the end of this chapter. Here are four strategies to help you respond empathically when you listen. Understand Your Partners Feelings If your goal is to empathize, or "feel with," your partner, you might begin by imagining how you would feel under the same circumstances. If your roommate comes home from a hassle-filled day at work or school, try to imagine what you might be thinking or feeling if you had had a stressful day. If a friend calls to tell you his mother died, consider how you would feel if the situation were reversed. Even if you've not yet experienced the loss of your mother, you can identify with what it would be like to suffer such a loss. Of course, your reaction to life events is unlikely to be exactly like someone else's response. Empathy is not telepathically trying to become your communication partner. But you do attempt to decenter-to consider what someone may be thinking-by first projecting how you might feel and then asking appropriate questions and offering paraphrases to confirm the accuracy of your assumptions. Considering how others might feel has been called the Platinum Ruleeven more valuable than the Golden Rule ("Do unto others as you would have others do unto you"). The Platinum Rule invites you to treat others as they would like to be treated-not just as you would like to be treated.

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Ask Appropriate Questions As you listen for information and attempt to understand how another person is feeling, you may need to ask questions to help clarify your conclusions. Most of your questions will serve one of four purposes: (1) to obtain additional information ("How long have you been living in Buckner?"); (2) to check how the person feels ("Are you frustrated because you didn't get your project finished?"); (3) to ask for clarification ("What do you mean when you say you wanted to telecommute?"); or (4) to verify that you have reached an accurate conclusion about your partner's intent or feeling ("So are you saying you'd rather work at home than at the office?"). Another way to sort out details and get to the emotional heart of a dialogue is to ask questions to help you (and your partner) identify the sequence of events. "What happened first?" and "Then what did he do?" can help both you and your partner clarify a confusing event. Your ability to ask appropriate questions will demonstrate your supportiveness of your partner and signal that you are interested in what he or she is sharing. Of course, if you are trying to understand another's feelings, you can just ask how he or she is feeling in a straightforward way-don't ask questions just for the sake of asking questions. Also, monitor how you ask your questions. Your own verbal and nonverbal responses will contribute to the emotional climate of your interaction. Paraphrase Message Content After you have listened and asked questions, check whether your interpretations are accurate by paraphrasing the content you have heard. Paraphrasing is restating in your own words what you think a person is saying. Paraphrasing is different from repeating something exactly as it was spoken; that would be parroting, not paraphrasing. Your paraphrase can summariZe the essential events, uncover a detail that was quickly glossed over, or higblight a key point. Typical lead-ins to a paraphrase include statements such as: "So here is what seems to have happened ... " "Here's what I understand you to mean ... " "So the point you seeni to be making is ... "

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"You seem to be saying ... " "Are you saying . . . " Here's an example of a conversation punctuated by appropriate paraphrases to enhance the message receiver's understanding: Alice: I'm swamped. My boss asked me to take on two extra projects this week. And I already have the Henrikson merger and the Affolter project. I promised I'd arrange to have the lawnmower fixed and pay the bills, but I don't see how I can take the dog to the vet, pick up the kids after school, and get Keshia to the orthodontist at 7 A.M. I'm up to my neck in work. Matt: It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities. Would you like me to take care of the stuff around the house so you can focus on office assignments? Alice: Well, some of them, yes. Could you take on a couple of things I said I'd do? Matt: Okay. I'll take care of the kids and run the errands. We are not suggesting that you paraphrase when it's not needed or appropriate, only when you need to confirm your understanding of a murky message or to help the speaker sort out a jumbled or confusing situation. When a listener paraphrases the content and feelings of a speaker's message, the speaker is not only more likely to know that the message is understood but also more likely to trust and value the listener. Paraphrase Emotions The bottom line in empathic responding is to make certain that you understand your communication partner's emotional state. "So you feel ... " "So now you feel ... " "Emotionally, you are feeling ... " These are typical lead-in phrases when paraphrasing feelings. We have discussed empathic responses and the active listening process using a tidy, step-by-step textbook approach. Realize that in practice, the process won't be so neat and tidy. You may have to back up and clarify content, ask more questions, and

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rethink how you would feel before you summarize how your partner feels. Or you may be able to summarize feelings without asking questions or summarizing the content of the message. A sensitive communicator tries not to let his or her technique show. Overusing paraphrasing skills can slow down a conversation and make the other person uncomfortable or irritated. But if used with wisdom, paraphrasing can help both you and your partner clarify message accuracy. Reflecting on the content or feeling through paraphrasing can be especially useful in the following situations: Before you take an important action Before you argue or criticize When your partner has strong feelings When your partner just wants to talk When your partner is speaking "in code" -using unclear jargon or unclear abbreviations When your partner wants to understand your feelings and thoughts When you are talking to yourself (you can question and check your own emotional temperature) When you encounter new ideas When you ask questions and paraphrase content and feelings, keep the following additional guidelines in mind: Use your own words-don't just repeat exactly what the other person says. Don't add to the information presented when paraphrasing. Be brief. Be specific. Be accurate. Don't use paraphrasing skills if you aren't able to be open and accepting; if you try to color your paraphrased comments to achieve your own agenda, you aren't being ethical. Don't be discouraged if your initial attempts to use these skills seem awkward and uncomfortable. Any new set of skills takes time to learn and use well. The

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instructions and samples you have seen here should serve as a guide, rather than as hard-and-fast prescriptions to follow every time. Being an empathic listener can be rewarding both your personal and your professional lives.

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REFERENCES
1. Fundamentals of Communication. 2nd edition. Custom edition for the University of Arkansas 2. Effective Communication. MTD Training & Ventus Publishing ApS:2010