50 Shades of Grey Reviewed

Contents
Foreword ....................................................................................................................................................... 3 50 Shades Of Grey: Overview ....................................................................................................................... 4 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter One ................................................................................................................... 5 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 2 ....................................................................................................................... 6 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 3 ....................................................................................................................... 8 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 4 ....................................................................................................................... 9 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 5 ..................................................................................................................... 11 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 6 ..................................................................................................................... 12 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 7 ..................................................................................................................... 14 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 8 ..................................................................................................................... 16 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 9 ..................................................................................................................... 18 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 10 ................................................................................................................... 19 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 11 ................................................................................................................... 21 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 12 ................................................................................................................... 23 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 13 ................................................................................................................... 24 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 14 ................................................................................................................... 26 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 15 ................................................................................................................... 28 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 16 ................................................................................................................... 29 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 17 ................................................................................................................... 30 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 18 ................................................................................................................... 31 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 19 ................................................................................................................... 32 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 20 ................................................................................................................... 34 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 21 ................................................................................................................... 35 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 22 ................................................................................................................... 36 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 23 ................................................................................................................... 37 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 24 ................................................................................................................... 39 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 25 ................................................................................................................... 40 50 Shades of Grey: Final Chapter Preview .................................................................................................. 42 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 26 ................................................................................................................... 43 Bearsy's Conclusion..................................................................................................................................... 45
Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 1 ........................................................................................................ 46 Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 2 ........................................................................................................ 50 Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 3 ........................................................................................................ 53 Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 4 ........................................................................................................ 55 Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 5 ........................................................................................................ 57 Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 6 ........................................................................................................ 60
Foreword
Hi Gays! So I was at a house party at the weekend round this girl's house, she ain't a close friend she's a friend of a friend or whatever. Anyways as I was conducting a search of her bedroom to see if she kept a vibrator i come across a well thumbed copy of the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L.James. When I say well thumbed, I mean the book had been well thumbed and also presumably while she was reading she had also been well thumbing her... what I'm saying is it's supposedly a very dirty book. That's what I've heard, I know a lot of girls what have read it. My mum's read it! They is all saying it's a very dirty book but I am naturally very sceptical of these claims - how dirty can a book be when you've already seen Anal B!tches 12 in live action video? It's just a book after all. Nonetheless I have confiscated Hannah's well strummed copy of 50 Shades of Grey and taken it back to my gaff for private study. It is my aim to investigate this book. I am gonna investigate exactly how dirty it is, and if we can use these datas in ongoing battles to get b!tches to do all the stuff that Jane Austens said they shouldn't. My aim in short, is to be the first man to read 50 Shades Of Grey. This is very dangerous for me. I'm an impressionable bear. When we had to read Jane Austens at school, by page 300000 or whatever I was positively ovulating. Nonetheless I'm gonna take this very serious. I am gonna read it very carefully using my eyes, and my brain, and my cock and balls. I mean, unless there's no lols then I'll probably give up after 10 pages. Your brother, Bearsy
50 Shades Of Grey: Overview

Ok so the copy I've got here is in paperback. This is not a surprise, girls don't buy their books hardback, they're too tight fisted or whatever. The cover is mostly black and a bit green, not like you would imagine a shade of grey or whatever. It's possible the Shades of Grey is a metaphor for something. I will investigate this later. There's a picture thing on the front. After some investigation I have found this to be a close up of the knot of a gentlemen's silk neck tie. It appears to be a Half Windsor. I say that because it's the only knot I know. My dad learned it me. He tried to learn me the Full Windsor but I found it too difficults. I ended up with a knot the size of my fist and a tie that didn't reach down further than my nipples. From this we learn that the dude who tied the knot ain't very good at tieing knots. This may be important for laters! On the back we're being promised "Romantic, liberating and totally addictive, this is a novel that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever." I don't like the sound of this. I don't mind reading it or whatever but I don't want it hanging round forever. Also, there is no mention of anal fisting in that summation. They missed a trick there. Could have boosted sales. If I didn't already know this book was dirty I wouldn't have guessed from the cover. There's probably some law against that. They probably sell this book in sweet shops, probably 10 year old girls are buying it cos they liked the twilight books. Jimmy Saville would bone in his grave. I have opened the book and learned that there are 514 pages. 514! It's all small print too. No pictures! I'm obviously tempted to skim through and hunt out the dirty bits but this is a serious investigation, and I'm gonna be investigating this filfth chapter by chapter. I'm gonna start in on it in a bit, after I've had my tea. I'm gonna start with Chapter One. Unless there's a prologue.
50 Shades of Grey: Chapter One

It starts of with a bit of first person narration. We know instantly it's a woman cos she's moaning on bout her hairdo. She goes on to moan bout some broad called Katherine Kavenagh of which we know nothing, then she's moaning bout final exams so we learn she's at university or whatever, then she moans bout her hair some more then she moans that her eyes are too big for her face which sounds grotesque. This is all old news. I already knew b!tches like to moan. It bangs on like this for a while. She moans bout her room-mate who turns out to be the aforementioned Katherine Kavenagh though that took some investigations on my part cos now we're suddenly calling her Kate, then she moans bout having to interview a "mega-industrialist tycoon" later today which seems to me a pretty clumsy introduction for what I spose is gonna be the first boning in the book. I've seen stunt cocks more subtly introduced in german porn. It's actually a pretty lame bit of exposition or whatever. In the space of one paragraph we're being clumsily informed that this stud is "the enigmatic entrepeneur and major benefactor of Grey Enterprise Holdings Inc" and a load of other guff bigging up how he's all powerful and important. I'm already investigating that she's gonna be a submissive. I've seen them pornos before. So she heads off to do this interview thing. Before she goes she bangs on briefly bout how hot Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh is and I'm investigating that their might be time for a quick bit of lesbian action but it ain't happening cos she's already off in her car. Apparently we're in "Vancouver, Washington". This confuses me. Which is it? Ain't they in whole different countries? The b!tch has given her car a name. She calls it "Wanda". This p!sses me off briefly but it turns out alright cos Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh lends her a "Sporty Mercedes CLK". I'm already investigating that this ain't gonna be a very well written book. Something bout how "the miles slip away as I put the pedal to the metal" makes me want to puke. So she rocks up at this blokes offices. I won't trouble you with her description of the building, it goes on for the next 3 pages. We do learn however that she is wearing a navy-blue jacket, skirt, blue sweater and knee length boots. Phwoar. We also learn her name is Anastasia Steele. Yuck. So the other b!tches in the offices mug her off for a bit, then finally she gets called into see the big cheese. She's banging on bout how nervous she is and... lol check this!... as she walks into his office she trips over and falls onto her hands and knees! I think I know what's coming, but he don't mount her straight away instead he helps her up with his "long-fingered hands". They have a bit of a chit-chat, this is pretty boring mostly and goes on for ages but i think the point is to dump some more exposition on us. She's wet for him already. He's well hot and conveniently well rich. He's 6 years older. He's gonna be handing out the whatever's at her university's graduation. His name is Christian Grey. By some extraordinary coincidence he's got grey eyes. Then she leaves. He don't even knob her first. In his defence when they was chatting she suddenly asked him "Are you gay?". No dude likes to hear that. That'd put me off my game too.
50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 2

EL James thinks I'm a right dumbass! I mean the events of chapter 1 only just happened but EL James seems to think I've forgotten all bout it cos she spends most of Chapter 2 telling me the same stuff again. This chick Anastasia Steele or whatever goes back to her gaff and talks the whole chapter over again with Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh. It's pretty dull stuff to be honest, but I can see why they is all gassing bout it, cos their other topics of conversation is even more borings. Here is a example of their typical dialogues: "Would you like a sandwich?" "Please." "What sort of sandwich would you like?" "I would like a ham sandwich." This is pretty much how I imagine b!tches talk when there ain't no dudes around. It seems very realistic. If there's one thing I know bout b!tches it's that they lack personality. At least the hot ones do anyways. We is then learning a bit bout her family and her place of work and the genealogy of her horses and whatever. There is probably a bit too much informations bout this, it ain't very interesting. One bit that made me lol is when she mentions her stepdad is a carpenter and he's the reason she "knows the difference between a hawk and a handsaw". I'm starting to wonder exactly how dumb this b!tch is! If it weren't for her stepdad luckily being a woodworker she'd of being trying to saw her floorboards with a ****ing bird! Then it's Friday night and this new character Jose is turning up at her gaff with a bottle of champagne. This is sparking my interest! Then we is finding out he is a photographer. This is sparking my interests still further! Then we is finding out that she knows he wants to bone her but she is keeping him in the friend zone. I don't like it when b!tches is thinking they can do that. I don't stand for it personally. I mean it's obvious that if she come out and actually said it weren't happening he would never bother hanging bout with her. It would be a kinder thing to do. I mean, if he's gonna sit around having to listen to her and Katherine "Kate" Kavanagh bang on bout ham sandwiches the least they could do is give him a little titty vvank or something to alleviate the boredom. The next thing is it's Saturday and she's working at her job which is a hardware store, which is presumably where she advises customers to cut their decking with handsaws rather than avians and then BOOM! That Christian Grey turns up in what seems to me a very stalker-ish move. They is obviously not having hardware stores in Seattle so he is having to come all the way to Washington or Vancouver or wherever the **** she lives to get his junk. She positively creams herself when she sees him, but she plays it cool and is like "Mr Grey, what can I help you with?" He buys cable ties and some rope. I'm not even joking. Cable ties and rope. I was half expecting him to be like "oh and have you got any gimp masks?" She's obviously a really sh!t saleswoman cos this simple transaction takes like 10 pages. I can only imagine the poor bastards queueing behind these cvvnts. I'd be doing my nut if i was trying to buy some nails or whatever and the dude in front is spending half hour chatting up the sales girl. Anyways it ends up that they is having to meet
tomorrow to get a photo of him for the interview. It ain't a problem, she knows a photographer. She's gonna make that poor bastard Jose do it.

As I predicted the selfish b!tch makes poor Jose come with her to take these photos. They all go along actually, we've got Anastasia Steele, Jose, Katherine 'Kate' Kavanagh and for some reason another dude called Travis bout who I know nothing but I've already decided he's a bit of a cvvnt just from his name. Then ole Christian Grey walks in and I lol a bit cos he's only wearing "grey flannel pants". I'm picturing crusty, baggy y-fronts but this of course is America and she is probably meaning trousers. Anastasia is now callously mooning over Christian Grey in front of everyone while we learn poor Jose is burning enviously in the backgrounds. If I know b!tches Anastasia is loving this. They like nothing better than having people all jealous. After the photos she fixes it so she and Grey is going for coffee and no-one else is invited, even Jose who has generously donated half his morning to taking photos free of charge when he obviously had better things to do, and even worse than that she was sposed to be driving them all home but she now selfishly makes them get a taxi or whatever. Katherine 'Kate' Kavenagh tries to warn her off and that don't surprise me either. B!tches do not genuinely like to see their mates copping off with hot strangers, specially when they've got to cart 3 tonne of camera equipment back on public transport with only Jose and that cvvnt Travis for company. Do we know how old this Anastasia Steele is? I spose I should be in a position to say cos I'm the one reading the ****ing thing but I don't recall it actually being mentioned. She's in the final year of her university thing so I guess that's got to make her at least 20. Reason I'm worried bout this is cos when they're walking to the Costa or whatever he is holding her hand and she is casually mentioning in her internal monologues that "No-one has ever held my hand before." This strikes me as odd! I mean I ain't a big hand-holder myself, I don't see the point of it, it makes walking more difficults and if you is doing it in public you is looking like a bit of a d!ck-head or whatever... but still, Never? There must be something seriously wrong with her hands! I'm thinking she must have some disgusting skin condition or something. She did mention at one point her fingers were knotted and I assumed it was metaphorical or whatever but maybe it was literal. Maybe her hands is all mangled up in some way, probably a carpentry accident before she learned the difference between birds and saws. So they have a long and boring chit-chat in the Starbucks, mostly going over old ground so I can learn that all her family connections is still the same as they were in the preceeding chapter when I already had to read bout the ****ing things and then they is walking back and then she is doing that thing b!tches do where they is pretending to trip over so you is having to grab them and then she is looking into his eyes which I am amazed to discover is still grey but thanks for mentioning it EL James you fvvcktard and then she is dropping another horrific bombshell: "For the first time in 21 years, I want to be kissed" Is it just me or are you starting to think this b!tch is a virgin? A 21 year old virgin? A hot 21 year old virgin? I dunno bout you but all the hot girls I've investigated didn't make it to 16 without getting nailed. I spose her spack hands held her up a bit, or she might have been a porker in her younger years or whatever, but still this strikes me as peculiar! I'll let it go for now. If I know Anastasia Steele like I think I know Anastasia Steele the b!tch will be boring us with the whole story in the internal monologue of her next chapter.

He don't kiss her. Smart move in my opinion, b!tch is mental. If he was reading her internal monologues like I'm reading her internal monologues he'd push her back over and peg it. "Thank you for saving me," she says now. He seems confused by this. I don't blame him, I'm confused too. I had to read back a bit to find that when she tripped over just now she very nearly fell in the road and got run over... by a cyclist. Oh yeah thanks for saving me, if it weren't for your superior periphial vision i might have got a skinned knee. "I shudder to think what could have happened to you," he replies clearly taking the p!ss. I'm starting to like this guy! He then dumps her back off at her car and he goes happily off on his day buying nipple clamps or whatever, whereas she gets in her car ("Wanda" FFS) and immediately bursts into tears. This pretty much demonstrates the difference between bro's and ho's. B!tches is mental! She then spends the next 10 pages agonising over this situation. She is saying dumb stuff like What was I thinking? Why am I crying? Why don't he like me? I dunno why she's asking me, I'm only reading the ****ing thing i ain't sposed to be an active participant. Besides which, I really don't give a fvvck! "Am I too skinny?" she wonders. I dunno virgin, but I'm pretty sure that ain't it. There's now one of them time jump things I think it's only a couple of days and we find she's finishing her final exams. B!tch decides to go out and get hammered, and I'm not completely surprised to learn that "I've never been drunk before." I'm starting to wonder bout this virgin! There seems to be an awful lot of things she ain't never done before. I'd think she were Muslim if she hadn't wolfed down a ham sandwich in chapter 2. I dunno how you feel about rape. I've always been against it personally. It's one of them things in society what ain't technically illegal but are frowned upon, like picking your nose and wiping it on a train seat. But you've got to admit in her dealings with Jose this b!tch has been asking for it! They're all at the bar that night, the virgin, Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh, Jose, probably cvvnt Travis and a few other new characters i can't even be bothered to mention. Jose is buying pitchers of Margherittas. This surprises me, if he's planning to roofie the virgin he'd be better off with individual drinks. So the virgin gets proper hammered and then she goes outside for some fresh air. Jose follows her... I'm getting a bit excited now! I can see where this is goings! He rams her up against the wall and he's all kissing on her face, I don't mind admitting I'm getting a bit hard! I'm way ahead of the plot now, I'm picturing the lift of the skirt, the rough pull aside of the panties... I bet that's another thing you ain't done virgin! "In all my 21 years no-one ever finger-banged me in a Weatherspoon car park". "I think the lady said no," a voice in the dark says quietly. It's bleeding Christian Grey come to perform the ultimate cock-block!
She's like how did you find me and he's like oh I tracked your phone like that's fvvcking normal. Whatever. They have one of their long boring conversations, they go back in the bar and then the virgin abruptly passes out. Huh. Maybe Jose did spike her drink after all.

B!tch wakes up in Christian Grey's bedroom. Someone has removed her pants. This happens a lot on tv and in movies, and I always think it's odd. They act like it's perfectly moral behaviours, like the dude is demonstrating his sensitive and caring nurturing side by sliding off her underwears. Oh yeah well i had to do that, it's physically impossible to sleep while still wearing pants! I ain't buying that, it's the pervy act of a sexual predator! All joking aside, when I encounter an unconscious girl the first thing I'm doing is not sliding off her trousers, and if i did it wouldn't be cos i'm worried bout sleep patterns! He ain't raped the virgin yet tho, far as i can tell. I mean there's no mention of blood all over the sheets, but then i spose he'd know better than to rape a virgin in his own bed. I always put newspaper down first. You can't tell me he didn't mess with her a bit tho. As he rightly points out when she acts a bit annoyed bout it, she was either getting fingered by Jose or by him. Either way, b!tch is getting fingered. I ain't completely on board with the morality of this argument, but she seems to accept it and acts all grateful. If anything he is mostly telling her off now. I ain't sure exactly why. Possibly amongst the things she ain't never done before is a bit of personal grooming. Dude has probably been coughing up pubes all morning. "If you were mine," he advises her, "you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week." Lol. This is what they call foreshadowing! He let's her use his shower now. He don't even go in to watch. This is a mistake! Not from a perving point of view but when b!tches is in your bathroom they immediately start rooting through your cabinets and using your toothbrush and stuff. You can't trust b!tches! When she comes out he's bringing her breakfast. He's being a bit of a cvvnt about it actually. B!tch only just got roofied last night she probably just wants coffee and bed but he's like "Finish your breakfast" and she's like no I can't and he's like "Eat what's on your plate." Or you won't sit right for a week. I've heard bout these dudes before. Feeders. She's now flat out asking him to give her one. He's like oh no I can't do that, not until I have your consent in writing. Lol that's classic! I'm gonna try that on some b!tches of my own! I'll be like if you could just sign here, and notarise here, this bit says I'm going balls deep in your bumhole, this bit says my brother can watch. They're arranging it so he has to show her something before she signs the sex contract. Fvvck knows what. It's obviously something more serious than his knob. He's gonna pick her up tonight in his fvvcking helicopter, but now she's got to do one so he can buy some spare bedsheets. He gives her a tongueing on the way down in the elevator. "You've brushed your teeth," he observes. "Oh yeah, I used your toothbrush." B!tch!

I quite like foreplay. It's pretty sweet! I like how you is feeling her up and she is feeling you up and then you're messing with her junk then she's messing with your junk and then it's getting a bit samey so I start getting rough then she gets a bit freaked so I tone it down a bit then she gets a bit romantic and I start to think bout if the b!tch will make me a sandwich... what i'm tryin to say is no matter how sweet foreplay is there comes a point lets say bout chapter 4 where it's too much and I just want someone to get fvvcked already! I dunno how EL James feels bout foreplay but I reckon her dude must be blue in the balls! B!tch can't get enough! She's been moving her dumb chess pieces round for 5 chapters now and i'm thinking surely EL James the time has come now for the bishop to mount the horse! The itinerary as I see it is childishly simple: Page 1 quick helicopter ride to see this thing that apparently she's got to see before he knobs her, I still dunno what it is, I'm thinking the decaying corpse of his last girlfriend or something. Page 2 sign the sex contract. Page 3 cowgirl! Page 4 reverse cowgirl! Page 5 doggy! Page 6 piledriver! Page 7 rear entry! Then break out the hacksaws and sh!t can get real! It don't seem to be going down quite that way at first. EL James seems to think I ain't had quite enough of boring conversations yet. She'd be wrong bout that, but what you gonna do. Here is the virgin and the stalker chattin bout music. This is demonstrating their compatibilities! GREYS: My tastes is eclectic. I love everything from Thomas Tallis to Kings of Leon. VIRGINS: Oh me too! What an amazing coincidence! I love Kings of Leon too! GREYS: Do you know who Thomas Tallis is? VIRGINS: No. GREYS: Then how is that same you dumb fvvck! He don't say that last bit, he turns and gazes at me briefly but I can tell what he's thinking! One other thing that's happening is dude is getting business calls. That's fair enough dude's a businessman. Thing is tho cos b!tch is loving his every utterance she's reporting these calls to me verbatim and cos she's hearing only his side of the conversations it's all a bit meh! They want two?... How much will that cost?... Okay and what safety measures do they have in place?... How safe is Ben Sudan?... And when do they arrive in Darfur? I DON'T GIVE A FVVCK! She goes back to her house and we find Katherine Kate Kavenagh has just knobbed Christian Grey's brother. I know what your thinking, that seems a bit random! It is. I'm mostly annoyed it happened off screen though. Just
my fvvcking luck! I should have mentioned that he rocked up at the Weatherspoons that night with Cryptic Gay when they was cock-blocking Jose. The brothers name is Elliot, but other than that we know literally nothing bout him. I'm quite happy for it to stay like that. Katherine Kate Kavenagh helps the virgin get ready for going to Seattle in Christian Grey's helicopter. She shaves the virgins legs and underarms. B!tch finds this unpleasant, but Kate assures me it is what men expect nowadays. Whadaya know... another thing the virgin ain't never done before! They fly out to his gaff in Seattle. There are pages and pages of descriptions of his sofa and his oven and his fireplace and his table and his walls and his doorways. Guess what? I don't give a fvvck! He comes back with the sex contract thing and b!tch signs it without reading. This disappoints me! First think in the cvvnts house I'm interested in and b!tch don't bother describing it! Chapter ends. They still ain't fvvcked. I've had enough of this sh!t. I'm hung over and I'm bored and all these dumb conversations is giving me a headache. You should have heard them talking in the helicopter. He was all yes this is an EC135 Eurocopter. One of the safest in it's class. It's equipped for night flight. When you fly at night, you fly blind. You have to trust the instrumentation. Seriously dude, shut up already bout your dumb helicopter! I miss Jose. I wish I could read 50 Shades of Jose instead. That dude knew what he wanted!

Christian Grey invites the virgin to see his "playroom". "You want to play X-Box?" she says and I'm just congratulating her on her first funny till it turns out b!tch is serious. We had a playroom when i was a kid, it was mostly toys and crayons but i'm picturing something a bit different. I'd be right! Here is the stuff in Christian Grey's "playroom" 1 x Man sized wooden crucifix with manacles 1 x 8 foot square suspended iron grid with assorted ropes, chains and shackles 2 x Curtain poles Lots x paddles, whips, riding crops 1 x flogger (this we learn is like a cat o nine tails) 1 x chest of drawers 1 x leather bench 12 x wooden canes (various sizes) 1 x table 2 x stools 1 x bed (no duvet) 1 x Sofa curiously positioned in the middle of the room facing the bed Here is where I'm learning my first important lesson! Dude has been quite clever bout this. If I just met a girl and took her into my sex dungeon most likely she'd be freaking out. What Grey has done is bore her into a stupor with boring conversations. Then he has fixed it so she's get desperate to be boned by not boning her when she wanted to be boned. Then he is making her think of legal obligations cos she's signed his contract. It wouldn't surprise me if he paid Jose to feel her up just so she felt obligated by him "saving her". Also, the cyclist. Also, b!tch is thinking it's a long walk back to Vancouver/Washington if she backs out now. "In simple terms I want you to please me. I have rules and I want you to comply with them. They are for my pleasure. If you follow these rules to my satisfaction I shall reward you. If you don't I will punish you," he says, ominously fingering a curtain pole. I like this arrangement! I can't see a problem with it at all. I mean, I ain't sure I could be coming out with these statements personally, I can't really picture any b!tch of my aquaintance not lolling at such a stupid sentences, but then I ain't been following the Christian Grey Method to the letter. Dude's a hero! She's like "And what do I get out of it?". Me, he says, in all seriousness. Imagine saying that to your wife or whatever! Lols. But we've already found out this b!tch has no sense of humour. He is now saying that after he's bum-fvvcked her with a curtain pole, b!tch is gonna have to go sleep somewhere else cos he likes his own space or whatever. I say it again, dude's a hero! Ok, so it turns out that sex-contract she signed before was a not-telling anyone agreement. She's now having to
sign another contract. To my relief, b!tch is gonna read it this time: Obedience - she has to do what he says Sleep - she has to sleep 7 hours before getting boned Food - he's gonna put her on a special diet, and b!tch ain't allowed to snack between meals. It makes me lol he had to put that in there. B!tch is obviously a porker after all! Clothes - B!tch has got to wear what she's told. Excercise - B!tch has got to get her lard arse down the gym. Personal Hygiene - B!tch has got to shave her pits and wash her vag out every once in a while. Personal Safety - B!tch has got quit falling in front of dangerous cyclists/getting finger-banned by photographers Personal Qualities - B!tch ain't allowed to fvvck no-one else She agrees to all this no problem. It pleases me that this is what b!tches want! Whenever I've been going round suggesting that b!tches ought to get down the gym or lay of the cakes the reactions ain't been quite so favourable. I ain't on board with the bit where I'm having to choose her outfits tho, that sounds like a lot of work! He's then asking what are her limits, how is she feeling bout him sh!tting on her or having his dogs lick her out or whatever, and she's like hmm i ain't really sure, i ain't never had sex before. This surprises him. Dude ain't so clever after all, I've been knowing she's a virgin since like Chapter 4! And she still is, cos the chapter ends here. FFS.

"I'm going to make love to you now." Oh thank fvvck! I feel a bit cheated tho, dude has been saying all along that he don't ever make love he only fvvcks. Hard. But I'll take pretty much anything at this point. I know it's gonna be good cos EL James has broke out the dictionary. I've just learned that Anastasia Steele is somnambulant, whatever the fvvck that means. First thing he does is pull on her hair. I'm on board with this, I'm a notorious hair-puller. Then he bites her lip. Then he takes off her shirt. Then he grabs her ass and rubs his boner up against her. Then he's licking on her belly button. Then he takes down her pants. The he smells on her vag. "You smell nice," he says. Liar! Then he pushes her back on the bed and takes off b!tches shoes and socks. This kills the mood a bit, but whatever. Then he's licking on her feet. Then he's like "Show me how you pleasure yourself?" B!tch is dumb. She's like "What do you mean?" I'm half expecting her to head for the kitchen make a sandwich, but then she cottons on and is like "Oh no I've never done that." I dunno bout this. B!tches is always saying they never masturbate, but I've always thought they was having me over. On the other hand I've got this sex buddy tho and we're really open with each other bout stuff and she said she don't ever do it, and I kind of believe her. She's like, why would I? If I want sex there's a dozen dudes I could call. And she's right. I'm one of them! The virgin ain't got any such excuse, but i spose given all the other things she ain't ever done it ain't that much of a surprise. Dude grabs her ankles and forces her legs apart and then he's licking her out. Then he stops on that and just starts thumbing on her nipple with one hand. "Let's see if we can make you come just like this" he says, rather ambitiously IMO. Good luck with that homes, I'm thinking. But she does, almost immediately. Then he's fingering her up and finding her nice and wet. Then he's getting his knob out. B!tch is telling me he's got a big one but i ain't sure I'm accepting her testimony. How would she know? Fvvcking virgin. He might be hung like a hamster for all she knows. He puts a condom on it. Clearly he ain't quite into her I'm A Virgin story. Still, I wouldn't of been sheathing it. Everyone knows I've got a "latex allergy". You can ask anyone. I was interested to learn bout his technique for breaking in a virgin. Would he go for the gentle ease up against the hymen? Would he fvvck! Boom! he goes as he slams into her vag "ripping through my virginity". "You're so tight baby". I use that line myself! B!tches like to hear that, also when they tell it to their mates, their
mates are thinking unlikely cos they know b!tch is slack so they is just assuming i have big penis. He's pounding away like a good 'un now. Don't blame him. This is my favourite bit too! I'm then turning the page and immediately having to abandon this investigations. Something extremely dramatic has happened! On the second page, bout halfway down, there is a distinct and interesting stain! Dudes what have been with me with the start may recall I confiscated this particular volume from a girl's bedroom. I am immediately picturing the scene! I can see hannah, relaxing back on her bed, casually perusing the book with one hand, casually perusing her vag with the other. Then she is finding it time to turn the page and this being a two hand operation she is extracting her fingers from her vag and she is applying them to the text, inadvertantly submitting a thump-print of delicious vag juice into evidence! Either that or she is spilling her lemonade. I'm submitting this stain to further investigation. I've got my eye bout a half inch from it, but I ain't detecting an awful lot. Why ain't I got a magnifying glass or electron microscope or something? I'm sniffing on it. Not detecting anything much, I'm ashamed to say I'm giving it the lick. Interesting. Vaguely fruity. Maybe a little bit meaty. I'm calling it vag juice! I prefer to think of it as vag juice! So.... when dude shoots his load he's shouting out her name. I mean ok if you like it. I prefer to be like "Boom! Fire in the hole!" We're finding now that he "empties himself inside me". I'm wondering bout this, given the condom. I guess after he shoots he takes it off and pours it down her vag. It's a classy move, I might try it myself! B!tch is in some pain at this point. Dude don't care. He's like "turn on your front". He lies on top of her. He's then pulling on her hair and sticking her from behind. I don't think it's bumhole, I think we're still in the vag. He's reaching around and fingering her cl!t then he's making b!tch taste it. "I want you sore baby, every time you move tomorrow you think of me." Job done. Dude finds he's got blood all over his sheets. I fvvcking warned you homes! She's all like romantic and is trying to pet on him or whatever. He tells her to fvvck off cos he wants to have a sleep. Lol. That was pretty sweet! I'm off to call hannah.

B!tch wakes up and she's really sore in the vag. P!ssing razor blades. She's worried he's gonna start in on her with the curtain poles so she comes up with a plan: "I find two hair ties in my bag and quickly put my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look the safer I'll be." Yeah that ought to do it you dumb fvvck. Put on your school uniform. Dudes hate that. They is then chattin a bit bout the sex last night. She's saying she was loving it. He said he quite liked it too, which was a surprise because he "never had vanilla sex before." This surprises me! I mean I get that he don't have normal sex no more, once you find you like bum rape you tend to stick with it, but I don't get how it was he never had a normal boning. Like my first time, i was in spain with my mum and dad and I'd fixed it so my mate had come with us, and me and my mate met these two girls and one night i fixed it so i was gonna bone one on the beach, and she fixed it so she'd only do it if my mate boned her mate, and i fixed it that he would even tho he weren't keen cos she was butters. So anyway we've knobbed these birds and then I've looked at my mate and my mate's looked at me and I've gone "RUN!" and we've pegged it. I imagine it was much the same for you. What I'm saying tho is if instead of just knobbing her I'd of been popping back to the hotel for nipple clamps and gimp masks.... it would have been a bit weird! It don't happen like that, IMO. So they is then having a bath together. What he is doing is sitting behind her with his legs around her and he is washing her boobs. I like this bit, I'm getting a small boner. I like touching boobs, especially when I'm doing it in such a way that I'm not having to look at b!tch's face. Then she sucks him off in the bath. It's pretty cool how he talks her into this, I've had trouble sometimes with talking chicks into a BJ. Turns out my technique was off. I'm all like give me a bj, she's like lol no! I'm like Please give me a bj but it's too late she's entrenched in her original position. What Christian Grey does is he's like, I'm gonna fvvck your mouth. You see the difference? It ain't exactly a question. More difficult for the b!tch to back out of. Few incidentals we are learning: B!tch swallows The room he makes her sleep in is smaller than his toilet She's started calling him "Bluebeard". I don't think it'll catch on. Dude is clean shaven. If anything it suits her better cos we is finding she has big bush
He then ties her up on his bed. He's doing this with a neck tie, I spose it's the one on the front cover of the book, the one with the Half Windsor knot. He's tieing her hands up above her head and then he's licking her body and every time she moves her arms he's like "FFS! Now we've got to start again!". Then he's licking her vag and she's like "Aaargh!". B!tch must be proper sore! She calls her vag her "sex". This makes things confusing! It's the first time in 21 years someone of the opposite sex had sex in my sex. There's some strange noises without. His mum walks in. Lols.

Jose is back b!tches! I've missed him bad we ain't heard from him since he finger-banged her outside Weatherspoons! In the interim period Jose has become considerably more portugese. He is now saying things like "Dios mio!" i ain't looked it up or anything but from the context i'm detecting it means "fvvck me!". Dude don't give up! He's ringing her up while she's meeting dude's mum. Rather rudely she's answering and then she's immediately telling Jose that she's just been boned. Cruel! Jose was really looking forward to getting some of that virgin vag and now it's all ruined! She's rubbing her slack twaat in his face! She's then immediately making sure Christian Grey knows that it was Jose on the phone. This is also typical b!tches! They love telling people when they has got other dudes dogging round! It's the total opposite of how men roll, I go to great lengths to make sure that the b!tches I'm boning know nothing of the b!tches i want to bone. I'm much more considerate! Whereas girls is always telling me oh noes there's this guy at work and he is always flirting on me... it's so annoyings! Right oh. Whatever! Christian Grey ain't so sanguine as me though. He gets all moody bout it. Just like b!tch wanted. I reckon he'd like to start in on her with the cat o nine tails but unfortunately she ain't signed the sex contract yet so he is having to settle with just glowering at her and frowning and stuff. What is his problem? she is asking me. I've warned her bout this before, it's your fvvcking book you figure it out! I can't do all the work! He takes her home. They is driving which is a blessed relief to me cos i've already heard enough bout his dumb helicopter. I could probably fly the fvvcking thing. On the other hand, i now know an awful lot bout his car They stop off at this restaurant. You can't choose what you want to eat they is just serving "whatever they've caught or gathered". Nice. Roadkill and nettles. My favourite! B!tch wants a Diet Coke but she can't have one. They're out of season. You know she met his mum just now? His mum was acting all surprised, i thought it was just the natural awkwardness when you is walking in on your boy licking out a porky retard trussed up in neck-ties, but no, turns out she was surprised cos till that moment she thought he was gay! I still think he might be. He put on Bruce Springsteen in the car (overcompensating! probably if she went through the cd changer it was all One Direction and show tunes) and then he looks at her sincerely and says "Gotta love a bit of Bruce!". It's probably the gayest moment in the book so far. I was so cringing I had to put the book down and watch some porn. Lols! Waitress just brought them some soup! It actually is nettle soup! Sometimes I'm so amazingly prescient! This is one of the proudest moments of my life! B!tch reckons it's "delicious". Nah, you're alright. I had some hawthorns this morning. We is then finding out bout his first boning (he's done 15 birds total) which is what i was wondering bout last chapter, how come it was kinky and not normal? It turns out he done it with one of his mum's mates when he was 15. He's making out it was a woman, but given what his mum just said I'm thinking Jimmy Saville or something. Christian Grey was originally a submissive (translation: bum raped) but now he is a dominant (translation: bum rapist).
The waitress comes back with a plate of meat. Badger or something. Anastasia is making out like she's full up with nettles. This causes a bit of a conflict cos he's always going on bout wanting her to eat lots of food. This is one of his things. He's a feeder. He's then dropping her off. Before she goes she's like "By the way... I'm wearing your underwear." She is showing him. "Christian's mouth drops open, shocked." I don't blame him! You take a girl out, you buy her a nice meal of badger and nettles and she is stealing your stuff! B!tch! I always wonder bout what b!tches are like the day after I've boned them. I pretty much forget all bout them and get on with my life thinking bout the football or what's on tv or important stuff like that. What girls do, it turns out, is spend the next ten pages thinking bout me, talking bout me, boasting bout me to Katherine 'Kate' Kavenagh, rubbing my helicopter in Jose's face and wearing my stolen underpants. I knew it!

The first 11 pages of this chapter is the sex contract. You'd think that would be lols but it's not. You'd think it'd be all saying what things he can stick up what holes and it is a bit, but it's all written in dry legal languages so it's hiding the lols in sentences like "The party of the first part as defined in appendix 3 subclause 7 notwithstanding the articles published in section IV of the fourth participle may subject to the qualifications outlined in the draft form of I66a clause 15 insert the specified articles as defined in Appendix 4 excepting those items qualified in the subsection 7 into the party of the second part on the occassions described as acceptable use which are subject to the fair use qualifications of articles 8 & 9" I think the problem here is EL James is reproducing this document in full. She ought to have been given me edited highlights! I mostly was scan reading but i did catch reference to anal fisting which is promising for the future and i also learned that the safe words is "yellow" and "red" which is a useful football system for deciding exactly how large an article the person of the first part can insert up the arse of the the participant of the second part. Basically, if she's starting to tear she goes "Yellow" and he goes slow, and if she's worried the curtain pole ain't coming back out she goes "Red" and he's sposed to stop. This takes half the chapter, reading the sex contract. To recap at this point I am on page 175. There are 514 pages in total.
To recap on another point, Anastasia Steele is 21 years old. She's just completed her degree in literature at Washington State. We is now learning that she has managed to achieve this without ever owning a computer or having an email address. It never ceases to amaze me the stuff this b!tch has never done before! She's never held hands, she never got fingered, she never got kissed, she never had a computer it's almost like she never existed! It's like EL James is just sitting about making this sh!t up or something! We is finding out bout the computers cos Christian Grey is sending her one. Cos she's so dumb he's also sending someone to show her how to turn it on. She's like "I've got an email address! Oh my!" and is staring at the computer like she's the first woman in space and just got given a warp drive. They is then having a dumb conversation on email. To her credit she ain't thinking to litter her emails with "xx"'s and smiley faces like most of my female correspondants. She is then googling "submissive" and then we is learning she is "queasy and shocked" bout what she finds. I was interested bout this so i googled it myself. The second hit was about 50 Shades of Grey. I spose that must have been a bit of a head-fvvck! If i got anal raped and then googled anal rape and found out it was all about me getting anal raped I'd be like woah!

"For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run." Lol she is making this sh!t too easy! I reckon this is possibly the most implausible of all the sh!t she ain't never done before. I know she's a fat whale or whatever but seriously who ain't never run? I mean never! I run all the time! Chasing my victims through the park. I dunno. I don't like it. I could take her never being drunk before, I could take her never using a computer before but this time she's gone too far. Wouldn't surprise me if next chapter we're finding out she never took a sh!t. Being a beginner she is listening to Snow Patrol while she jogs. You want something more upbeat than that love! Snow Patrol, if it's music you've got to listen to at all, is music to walk to. B!tch must be slowest runner in the world if she's trudging along in time to Snow Patrol, but then i spose she never actually used her legs before. She's still listening to Snow Patrol later when Christian Grey turns up at her gaff. Possibly Snow Patrol is one of her punishments, we ain't clear on this. Christian Grey has brought that same neck tie along and he ties her arms to the headboard and he removes her trousers and pants and he lifts her t shirt so it's covering her face and then he's like "I'm going to get a drink." I find this lols! I read it back over again cos I lols it so much! What I'm really hoping for now is for Jose to stop by now and find her all trussed up and blindfolded and then he can get some, but it don't work out that way. Christian Grey comes back and he slaps her about a bit and then he flips her over and pounds on her till she comes. "That was really nice," says Anastasia. Dude has got to be a bit non-plussed by this. I don't spose that's what sadists is wanting to hear. We've got a bit of a problem now, she's sending an email of amendments to the sex contract and one of them is "No fisting of any kind". I ain't happy bout this! I was looking forward to the fisting. She also ain't happy bout the genital clamps. I ain't entirely familiar with genital clamps. I'm not sure what I'm picturing here, like a bulldog clip? She is also bringing up that she ain't keen on being whipped or flogged. She's actually p!ssing me off a bit with all the stuff she don't want to do! Why not try it first you fat cow? You didn't know you'd like holding hands till you went ahead and tried it first!

B!tch is worried that she's been too negative bout this whole contract thing. She's worried he'll withdraw his generous offer to bum rape her with curtain poles, so when she gets an email from him she is all sh!tting herself bout it, but it's ok, it turns out he's just randomly emailing her the dictionary definition of "submissive". It's a strange move, considering the b!tch supposedly just completed a degree in English at Washington State University. She is then emailing him back the dictionary definition of "compromise". I'm thinking at this point if you've both got dictionarys why can't you look it up your fvvcking self? She is then spending some time catching up with friends that i don't remember meeting before, but she's acting like i do. This happens to me a lot. She's like "I call Ray who is just about to watch the Sounders play" and I'm like who is this Ray of which you speak? What is Sounders? But she don't really clarify. Instead she's like "Paul is back from Princeton before he sets off for New York" and again this is leaving me non-plussed. I wish she'd just stick to the main characters, or at least when I've learned a character like cvvnt Travis from chapter 3 make the effort to keep them on stage. I don't see why we is needing all these new characters. If someone has to go to Sounders, I'd just as soon it was Jose. This Paul seems to be hitting on her tho, up until she rubs her Christian Grey in his face and then he gets all moody. This makes her "inner goddess make a vulgar and unattractive gesture". She's always saying dumb stuff like this about her Inner Goddess. I ain't even entirely sure what she's going on about. I think it's schizophrenia. Every time she meets Christian Grey her Inner Goddess has something dumb to say on the subject. Not exactly say, the Inner Goddess is mute, but she keeps doing stuff like jumping up in the air or touching herself or clapping her hands. I thought Anastasia Grey was the dumbest b!tch in the book, but I'm starting to think the inner goddess might be Down's Syndrome. She's got a date with Christian Grey so we get to hear all bout how she's washing her vag, and shaving her vag and cleaning her boobs and stuff. This will probably work better in the film version. All that is left is for her to "mentally gird her loins" which strikes me as a particularly dumb sentence, and then she goes to meet Christian Grey. We find out all bout what he's wearing and how he's done his hair and stuff but that don't interest me all that much. We then have to sit with them while they have dinner. It takes ages. Here is samples of their rivetting conversations: "What would you like to drink?" "I'll have what you're having please." "Glass of Sancerre. They have an excellent wine cellar here." "Are you hungry?" "No" "Have you eaten today?" "No" "I hope you like oysters." "I've never had one". (Item 276 on things Anastasia Steele ain't never done before)
"Did you choose them for their aphrodisiac qualities?" "No, they are the first item on the menu." I like this, that's what I always do when I go to a restaurant, eat the entire menu in order. Freak! This goes on for pages and pages. "Would you like some more wine?" "I have to drive." "Water then?" "Yes." "Still or sparkling?" "Sparkling please." This is all very realistic. I've been with b!tches like that. No conversation. I bet it's really dragging, I bet even the Inner Goddess is checking her watch. Then he wants her to knob her right in the restaurant and she's like lol no! and they is having some sort of disagreement bout it and then she is getting in her car, and being the dumb b!tch that she is both her and her inner goddess is immediately bursting into tears. This is stirring my emotions too. I'm laughing, callously. I like to think Christian Grey is too. Just by way of explanation, all the chapters at the moment is about will she or won't she sign the rape contract. I mean obviously she will. There ain't a lot of suspense bout this, unless you're particually bothered bout if subsection 6a is gonna say they meet 3 weekends or 4 weekends a month. Basically, we're killing time. But it's coming. B!tch is gonna get bummed, I can feel it!

For the first time in her 21 years Anastasia Steele has a sex dream. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I'm making this sh!t up but I swear that's what the b!tch just said! She's at her absolute dumbest at this moment, she's like wait, who took off my manacles, how did i get in this room... hold on is it possible that was a dream? Is it possible that I just had a dream about sex? It's tortuous how long it takes the b!tch to figure this simple fact out. We've all had dreams you ****ing dumb b!tch you don't need to explain the concept! "I was seeing like pictures in my mind but they weren't real!" "What is this? Why am I wet? Is it possible that I just had a wet dream? It's bewildering. I had no idea I could orgasm in my sleep." I hadn't thought bout this before. Is this common for girls? I used to have the wet dreams when i was like 12 or whatever, but it never occurred to me that b!tches have them too. They never mention it. To be honest I think it more likely she p!ssed herself but I will make investigations bout this and let you know. We then find out she's wearing Christian's jacket. This makes me lol! Good luck getting the vag juice out your jacket Christian! Ray, it turns out, is the step dad what taught her the difference between a hawk and a handsaw. He already has my respect, teaching this b!tch complicated concepts like that must have been a real man's job. He's coming to her gaff cos the university thing is today when they give you the square hats. I seem to recall that Christian Grey was sposed to be handing the hats out so i spose he'll be along in a bit. She bangs on a lot bout how much she loves this Ray character, but then the first thing she does is mug him off to me saying bout his ill-fitting suit. Stuck up b!tch. So they go to the university for the square hat ceremony. Here is what she has to say next: "I make my way to seat amongst my fellow students whose Surname also begin with S. I am in the second row." Does this strike you as odd? I mean making them sit alphabetically and they putting the S's in the second row. It strikes me as odd! But then so many dumb things is happening in this book that I barely raise an eyebrow anymore. I'm like yeah whatever, she goes to a special school where S is the second letter in the alphabet. I'm not even surprised. Christian Grey turns up on stage, he's wearing the bondage neck-tie which I'm appreciating. Some of the other girls is chatting bout how hot he is, so Anastasia is telling them he's gay. Lol. He makes a dumb speech bout how he's going to eliminate world hunger, as you do, and he's mentioning that he knows what it's like to be hungry. I'm with him. Sometimes I'm hungry. Anastasia however, I don't know if it's cos in her 21 years she's never missed a meal but she's reacting like he just spent 6 years in a lebanese prison camp. She's like "I swallow, my heart constricting at the thought of a hungry, gray eyed toddler. Oh no.". Alright love. Calm down. Have a Mars Bar. There's a whole dumb thing going on now cos he's moaning at her for not returning his emails and phone messages and she's like "Oh I haven't been checking my phone" and he's like "I was worried bout you driving home
in that sh!t car" and she's like "Oh you should have called." I DID FVVCKING CALL YOU DUMB B!TCH WE WAS JUST SAYING HOW I CALLED BUT YOU AIN'T ANSWERING YOUR PHONE FFS! I can see this conversation is going on all night so I skip forward a couple of pages, just in time to catch him mugging her off proper. Someone's asking something and someone's like "I don't know," and she's like "Me neither," and Christian Grey is lolling, "You don't know much." Burn!

Now she don't want to get bummed. They is arguing bout it. He's saying "But I really want to claim your ass! We won't do it straight away, your ass will need training. It'll need careful preparation, but anal intercourse can be very pleasurable, trust me." "You've done it?" she says surprised. "Yes." B!tch goes quiet for a second. "With a man?" I have to put the book down for a minute cos I'm lolling so bad at that one! They is then going through the list of stuff he's gonna stick up her arse. It's all part of the contract. There is butt plugs which I've heard of before, then there is beads I ain't quite sure bout that I'm picturing them on a string or something, then the next item is eggs... I'm wondering where this is going! I mean butt plugs is fairly normal i spose but now we're into everyday household objects! Telephone. Shoes. Sofa cushions. Eggs is my favourite though. So they sort out the contract thing, then he is kissing on her and messing with her boobs. Then he is taking off her dress and he dips a finger in her vag to check she's wet. Then she sucks him off for a bit. Then he makes her put the condom on his knob. This takes her ages. For the first time in my 21 years etc. Then he knobs her. We hear quite a lot bout the Inner Goddess (curse her!) this chapter. At one point she is getting ice cream. At another point someone is taking her ice cream away. We are also hearing a bit from this new character called her subconscious. I prefer her to the Inner Goddess. Dude has bought Anastasia a new car, and the subconscious is pointing out quite rightly that this makes her a Ho. Dumb converation of the week: GREY: I thought we'd celebrate your graduation. Nothing beats a good Bollinger. STEELE: Interesting choice of words. GREY: Oh, I like your ready wit, Anastasia If you can explain the above let me know! I was staring blankly at the page for like 5 minutes!

We all know by now that Anastasia Steele is one of the dumbest b!tches in America. It's like her defining characteristic! Annoyingly, she ain't seeing it herself. She seems to think cos her favourite book is Wuthering Heights and not Winnie The Pooh Up The Honey-Tree she's some kind of intellectual. Well she'd be wrong. It's a common mistake: in the whole range of my aquaintance I don't know anyone who would describe their brains as below average, though it stands to reason some of them must be sub-normal. Closest you ever get is them people who reckon they've got more "street smarts than book smarts". Anastasia Steele is even trying to lord it up over Christian Grey now. When they knobbed just now he let her go on top and she's making out this was some massive victory of her intellect over his. She actually says that he underestimated her GPA (I think this means scores at school). You can tell this is burning him up! Having a borderline retard who couldn't even use a computer last week acting like she's cleverer than you! You can tell he wants to be like, "Oh yeah, how many multi-billion dollar businesses have you built up from nothing?" but he don't say nothing just yet. He has better ways to punish her. B!tch gets her first ever spanking! I'm loving this, I've been wanting someone to beat on her since chapter 1. He's bending her over his lap, then he is ripping off her panties and then he is starting in on her ass. We ain't privy to his internal thoughts at this point, but I know what dude is thinking: So you call your car "Wanda" do you? SMACK! You know the difference between a hawk and a handsaw do you? SMACK! B!tch is crying out in pain. I'm loving it! You like Snow Patrol do you? SMACK! You had to look "compromise" up in the dictionary? SMACK! He then gives her a rough knobbing from behind (still not up the arse) and then he fvvcks off. B!tch immediately calls her mommy and is all crying down the phone at her. Lols. She spends the rest of the chapter crying. That and rubbing her arse. We learn that in all her 21 years she ain't never been hit before, and this seems to me a massive oversight on the part of her parents and aquaintances in general. I like to think that if I knew this b!tch I would have had the good sense to slap her about a bit. Would have done her some good, maybe saved me one tedious paragraph in four.

What is the 50 Shades of Grey? We've been wondering bout this since the beginning. I've had various ideas over the chapters, I was originally thinking that maybe dude had a large collection of sunglasses or a paint mixing factory, or maybe the Shades is metaphorical and it refers to 50 murdered virgins silently decomposing in their shallow graves. It turns out it's just an expression, what you do is say that something is blank shades of blank. I.e. when the b!tch is embarrassed just now she blushes seven shades of scarlet. And when she is asking him why he wants to put eggs up her bum he reveals it's cos he's 50 shades of fvvcked up. I would have been interested in these informations chapter 1 but by this point I'm 17 shades of don't give a fvvck! I console myself that there is only 9 more chapters to go. My inner goddess is loving this fact! She's in cheerleading mode, with pom-poms in each hand, strawberry jam smeared across her down's syndrome face. I imagine these chapters will all be 9 shades of stupid, but what you gonna do? I've come this far. Do you have a nickname for your computer? Me neither. I don't spose any right-thinking person gives their computer a nickname, but we're dealing with the b!tch who calls her car "Wanda". Her computer is called "the mean machine". I dunno if she come up with this nickname or it come from her Inner Goddess but either way it's annoying. B!tch operates the mean machine to send Christian Grey an email. The subject title is "Assault and Battery: The After-Effects". She is moaning on that she has been "demeaned, debased and abused". He is emailing back to say that he don't know what she's complaining bout. He has suffered too. "My hand is very sore." She is threatening to run off to get away from his abuses. He is reasonably pointing out that this won't help. "I can track your cell-phone." Of course you can. This is exactly what girls is wanting to hear. I think this is what girls is liking bout this book, secretly they all want to be stalked. It gives them a distinction amongst their friends. Sure, they like to pretend it's creepy. They like to be saying to Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh oh noes this handsome billionaire is stalking me again! It's so annoyings! But secretly their Inner Goddess is hand clapping and making happy monkey noises. Did I mention that dude bought her a new car? He done it specifically so he don't have to hear b!tch call her old car "Wanda" no more. No doubt that was driving him nuts. He's gonna have to buy a new helicopter now though, cos b!tch has taken to calling it "Charlie Tango". Poor bastard. This is becoming a very expensive relationship! She goes out to dinner with Jose. The attempted rape is all forgotten. She is even holding his hand, which is a new skill she only acquired recently, and inviting him to come visit her in her new gaff (she's moving to Seattle with Katherine 'Kate' Kavenagh) and actually hugging him. It is odd how forgiving this book is of dudes, I mean being as how it is written from a woman's perspective. In my opinion she is totally leading the dude on. If I tried to rape a girl I'd be expecting to get a visit from the local constabulary, if instead she was all going out on dates with me and trying to hug me and stuff I'd be thinking oh hello! B!tch still wants to get raped! She drives to Christian Grey's gaff, and he informs her he's got a doctor coming round to inspect her vag. Again I'm impressed with this dude! I would like to do that, before I'm knobbing a bird. I'd like to have my personal physician come round first to check her rancid m!nge for crabs or whatever, but somehow I don't think it would fly. Lot of girls would think it was a bit weird, and a little bit insulting. They'd be 23 shades of p!ssed off!

So this doctor comes round to have a butchers at Anastasia's vag. Christian is like "thanks for coming Doctor" and the Doctor says "Thanks for making it worth my while!". This is a very sinister thing for a vag doctor to admit. I mean, fair enough they probably do get off on feeling up girls snatches but they shouldn't be going round boasting bout it! To make things worse the doctor is then openly hitting on Anastasia saying she is beautiful and "intelligent" (sic). Again, these is nice thing to hear, but probably not while a virtual stranger is index fingering your bumhole. Anastasia is then doing one of her classic pranks. When Christian is asking how it went she is saying "Oh yeah doctor said I've got to abstain from sexual activity for four weeks." Being a fvvckwit she is then adding ".... Gotcha!". You can tell that p!sses him off, but he don't do nothing. He files it away for the next spanking. She then says he is sex on legs. This needs translations, I think I mentioned that "my sex" is her name for her vagina. Basically she's calling him a cvvnt. Right to his face! She is being especially dumb this whole chapter. Some of the guff she comes out with! My personal favorite is, "No man is an island - except Christian Grey". Oh shut up. The doctor has put her on mini-pill. This troubles Christian. He knows how dumb she is. He frowns. "Will you remember to take it every day? And at the right time?" I think we all know the answer to that! He settles it though. He's gonna remind her. Every fvvcking day. Then he takes her into his playroom. Then he takes off her dress. Then he takes off her bra. Then he does her hair. Yeah you read that right, it ain't a euphamism he literally does her hair puts it into a plait or whatever. No, I don't know either. Then he's like "I'm gonna chain you up now, hold out your hand." She holds out her hand. He hits it with a riding crop. Lol. Then he gets out some handcuffs and shackles her to this rail thing suspended from the roof. The idea is he starts fvvcking her on one side of the room, and by the end she's hanging from the same rail on the other side of the room. Sounds like a lot of work, but whatever. First he whips her a bit with the riding crop. My favourite is when he whips her right on the vag, and then he makes her lick on the crop so she can taste how bad her vag juice is. Then he rams the crop up her cvvnt till she comes. Then he makes her put her legs round him and he knobs her across the room. Then he takes her off the rail and cable ties her hands together. She is only just twigging that the cable ties he bought in chapter 2 was for this purpose. Dumb fvvcking b!tch! Then he makes her bend over and fvvcks her from behind. Still vag, we ain't had no anal yet. He does it nice and rough tho so she is banging her head against the bed pole. Then he tell her to fvvck off so he can get some sleep. This is my favourite chapter so far!

B!tch wakes up and finds that dude has nicked her knickers, so to speak. She is completely bemused by this. "Why has he got my panties?" she is asking me stupidly. Unusually, I am able to answer one of her dumb questions. It's cos you stole his boxers back in chapter 10 FFS! She is so dumb! She never figures stuff out for herself! I'm getting proper fed up with doing all the bleeding work all the time. She is using her own brain now investigating the whole mystery of the missing panties. She is reasoning that she can ask for them back. Cleverly she is observing that he will "either say yes or no". Well, duh. She don't do it though, she goes commando. This is lols cos we is learning that today they is going to have dinner with Christian's mum and dad. I am hoping we'll get some lols out of this. Christian's dad can be like sniff sniff I thought we was having duck? How come I smell fish? Over the course of things Anastasia has ate quite a lot of stuff. She's had ham sandwiches and nettles and oysters and also lots of different wines and champagnes and stuff. I'm now noticing that every single thing she puts in her fat gob is "exquisitely delicious". She is having a simple drink of cranberry juice now, it tastes... delicious! What is the chances! I'm investigating that she is what they call an indiscriminate eater. This is a quality more commonly found in pigs, goats and other farmyard animals. They is then heading off to meet his parents or whatever. Anastasia has a momentary panic attack, I'm almost outside... with no panties! Oh shocking. It's another thing she ain't done before. My favourite bit of the book is now happening! Anastasia is thinking bout her Inner Goddess. You know, the dumb, possibly Down's Syndrome alter ego what is always hanging round doing cartwheels or eating strawberry jam or whatever. Anastasia is saying bout her Inner Goddess, "I reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think." That's a direct quote homies, and I reckon it sums things up quite nicely! Anastasia Steele: She rarely uses her brain to think. They is now in a taxi. This is their conversation: STEELE: Why did you use a cable tie? GREY: I know they're quite brutal, but I do like it for a restraining device. Very effective at keeping you in your place. What I like bout this is the taxi driver in the front seat thinking... what the fvvck? His mum is called Grace Grey, which is unfortunate. His dad is called Carrick. Also in attendance we have his little sister Mia who is "curvaceous" (i.e. fat) and I'm told Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh will be along in a bit cos she's still knobbing Christian Greys brother, whose name escapes me for the moment. So they all sit down and have some dinner. You may be surprised to learn it's all "delicious". They is having some dinner conversations. First they is talking bout measles. Christian Grey's mum is a doctor and she is going on bout measles like it's aids. "Oh no! That was the hospitals! They have another child with measles!
That's four in the last month!". Then they is talking bout Paris. Anastasia ain't ever been but that don't stop her joining in the conversation. The sister then starts talking in French, EL James is saying she doesn't realise she's doing this and gets all confused when everyone is just staring at her dumbly. This sounds like bolllocks to me, people don't start suddenly speaking French without realising they is speaking in French. Anyway, Christian Grey has to tell her in French that she's speaking in French (why couldn't he tell her in fvvcking English?) then she realises what she done and is like oh my bad. This little exchange apparently has the whole table "in stitches". The next topic of dinner conversation is the merits of solar panels in Washington State. It's pretty dry stuff to be honest. Even Anastasia is getting bored, so she starts chatting to her Inner Goddess bout how the serving waitress woman is hotter than her and is seeming to want to knob Christian. She is getting a bit jealous bout it. I don't know if there's anything in it tho, seems to me neither Anastasia nor her Inner Goddess is thinking with their brains.

Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh is letting slip over dinner that Anastasia went out for drinks with Jose the other night. Christian Grey is a bit p!ssed off bout this. I can see why, I thought it was a bit odd for her to be stepping out with her rapist. He don't have a go at her tho. He's got a better idea, "I'm going to spank you, then I'm going to fvvck you". This is all perfectly reasonable. When I'm annoyed with a b!tch I'm usually shouting on her till she starts crying, which is all very well but I ain't exactly getting much enjoyment from it. The Christian Grey system is much better. He hoists her up over his shoulder (dude must work out!) and carries her down the garden to the boathouse. I'm investigating this is where they keep their boats. He dumps her down. He's out of breath. I'm not surprised. He sticks a finger up her vag and says, "This is mine, all mine." Then he gives her a quick fvvck. He don't even bother spanking her, far as I can tell. Maybe his hand still hurts. It's just a straight missionary fvvck. One thing tho, before he does it he says, "This is for me, not you. Understand? You're not allowed to orgasm." I like this! It's a win-win! If my bonings is sub-standard and she ain't coming I win cos I told her not to and she's doing like I said. If my bonings is awesome and she cums anyway it makes it seem like I can bring her off even when I ain't trying! I'm going to use this tactic all the time in the future. This is for me, you ain't allowed to cum. He then takes her back home to his gaff and he's like "Okay... lets fvvck!" She's like no, I don't want to fvvck. I want to make love. Ugh. Way to spoil the mood virgin. I like to think I'm an open minded guy. I'm always down to fvvck, screw, shaag, bone and roger. I draw the line at making love. What Christian Grey does is walk out the room. When he comes back he's holding two silver balls in his hand. It don't say how big they is. I'm thinking more ping pong than football. He makes her suck his balls (his silver balls) then he makes her bend over and touch her toes. Then he pops them in her vag. I didn't know this is what girls meant by 'making love'! I feel like I've been missing out! Then he says I want a glass of water. Go get me one. I reckon it's lols for him listening to her walk. Clank! Clank! Clank! Then he bends her over and gives her the spanking he owed her from dinner. He's hitting her harder and harder. I think the idea is to see if he can get one of the balls to pop out her mouth, but it don't happen this time. Disappointed, he knobs her. Then he is mentioning, apropos nothing, that Grace Grey ain't his real mum. His real mum was a crack-whore. And she's dead. Meh. Unless those silver balls were your dead mum's eyeballs encased in tin foil, I don't give a fvvck!

I am Christian Grey. The day gets off to a bad start, I wander into my private bathroom and find the virgin has used MY toothbrush again. This makes me mad! I'm tempted to go to her cell and drag her by the hair and shove it up her dumb vag, but that would be counter-productive. I'm not made of toothbrushes. I go to my private study and get on with some work. I'm a very busy man! I've got a big deal going down in Darfur that I've got to keep on top of. Also I've got to chat to Ros about the prototype. I'm distracted though, I can hear voices from the hall. Oh no, the b!tch is awake! I can hear her chatting to the housekeeper, she's asking where I am. Tell her I'm out, tell her I'm out! I repeat to myself fervently, but the dumb housekeeper don't listen, she tells her I'm in here. Fvvck! Why is there no lock on this door! She comes in my office. I notice instantly she's wearing MY t-shirt! It's all stretched out over her fat gut. It's probably ruined. She's got that look in her eye. They one where she's chatting internally to her Inner Goddess and also her subconscious. I wish the three of them would fvvck off. They're doing my head in! I gesture to the phone, to make it clear that I'm fvvcking busy, but she don't get the hint, she just stands their gawping at me with that dumb, bovine expression on her face. FFS. I finish my call with Ros, and then steel myself for another tedious conversation with the virgin. I ask her why she's bothering me, I'm trying to work. "I just came to say hi before I had a shower." FFS! Can't she see how busy I am? She's now talking about going to Georgia to see her mum. I'm all for this! I offer her my private jet, but her Inner Goddess objects. Either way. As long as she fvvcks off I'm happy. She don't though, even though I'm dropping hints. "I thought you were going to have a shower?" I say. Instead she comes over and tries to kiss on me. Ugh. Morning breath. I flip her over and fvvck her over my desk. Maybe that will shut her up. "Are you sore?" I say, thinking of the sex balls. "Yes", she says. Good. She still don't fvvck off. She's looking at me funny. "What's wrong?" she says. Oh, FFS. I hate it when b!tches start with this! If you ain't flirting on them for five minutes they start getting all weird about it. Do I have to be doting on her the whole fvvcking time? Ain't I allowed any time for myself? "You're being weird," she says. Oh right yeah, I'm the weird one. Not the 21 year old virgin, who's never used a computer. I finally get rid of her and have my house and toothbrush to myself. Barely an hour goes by though and she's emailing me, asking if I'm knobbing my housekeeper. Where did that come from! Is the housekeeper up for it? She's HOT! I'd definitely be up for a go on that!

Anastasia is really annoyed with Christian Grey. When she got on her plane just now to go visit her mum, she found he'd upgraded her ticket to first class. The bastard! She immediately sends him an email mugging him off, and he replies "Fine. Next time you'll be bound and gagged in the cargo hold." We've already learned b!tch has no sense of humour. She ain't even familiar with the concept. She emails him back, "Are you serious???". Lols. I like to imagine Christian Grey in his business meeting or whatever, face-palming when he gets that one. B!tch is so dumb! It turns out dumb b!tchery is genetic cos Anastasia's mum is every bit as bad. Here are her thoughts on the difference between men and women: "Men think that anything that comes out a woman's mouth is a problem to be solved. Not some vague idea we'd like to kick around and talk about for a while and then forget." There maybe some truth in this. Basically she's saying b!tches like to moan. What she's saying is if a b!tch is moaning bout the milk in the fridge is gone off, she don't want me to get fresh milk. She wants to talk bout spoiled milk for an hour and how annoying it is, and then forget all about it. Till tomorrow when b!tch is amazed to discover milk is still off and we can have the same dumb conversation again. B!tches is mental. There is pages and pages of nothing happening in Georgia. Here is a sample: "I am in my blue halter-neck tankini, sipping a Diet Coke on a sunbed facing the Atlantic Ocean, and to think that only yesterday I was staring out towards the Pacific. My mother lounges beside me wearing a large sun hat and sunglasses. She is also sipping a Coke." Rivetting stuff. Nice product placement too. I think I mentioned before that Christan Grey's first sexual partner was a friend of his mums. We don't know much bout this person, Anastasia has been calling her "Mrs. Robinson", I've been calling him "Mr. Savile". Christian is now emailing that he went out to dinner with him/her last night. B!tch is flipping the fvvck out at this informations, even though she blatantly went out for drinks with Jose last week. Double standards.

So Christian Grey is turning up in Georgia unexpected. He is announcing his arrival in traditional stalker fashion by sending her text messages like "Don't you think you've had enough to drink?" and "That burger will go straight to your butt!". He rocks up at this bar where Anastasia is out with her mum. You can tell her mum is wet for him. Even Anastasia is noticing, and she don't hardly notice anything. The mum immediately offers him a drink, he orders "A gin and tonic, Hendricks if they have it or if not Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the Hendricks, lime with the Bombay Sapphire." That'll learn her! If someone was giving me a complicated drinks order like that I'd be like "Yo! Get it your fvvcking self!" The mum is excusing herself to the toilets, probably to flick herself off in a cubical. Anastasia Steele, toilet monitor, is like "Yo mum, ain't you just been?". Bad manners. This is giving Anastasia the opportunity to moan on him for going out to dinner with the paedo who knobbed him when he was 15. She is openly calling this dude a paedophile rapist, but Christian ain't having it. "I got exactly what I needed. It was good for me." In these straightened times, it's comforting to know that paedos can call on popular literature to construct their legal defence. She is then going back to his hotel room. The boning they do now is quite lols! I've re-written it a bit so you don't have to hear what Anastasia and her Inner Goddess has to say bout it, but the events are exactly as depicted: ************************************* Christian Grey strips Anastasia naked in his hotel bathroom. He gets down on his knees and peers enquiringly at the loose thatch of her pussy. He makes a small quizzical noise and cocks his head to one side, like a dog having it's temperature taken. Peculiar. There is a thing hanging out of Anastasia's vagina. It looks like a rat's tail. He reaches up cautiously, and tugs on it experimentally. It's stuck. He pulls a bit harder. Suddenly it shifts, and with a slick, squelching noise it pops from her vagina and splats on his forehead, sticking there wetly before slowly, horrifically, sliding down his face and caressing his lips. Ugh. A tampon. Christian tugs it free from his face, and casually flings it across the room, scoring 3 points in the corner wastebasket. "When did you start your period, Anastasia?" "Yesterday." This is a delicate moment. There comes a point in a man's life when he is challenged by circumstance, when fate has presented an opportunity for him to test his manhood, to discover if he is a brave titan or a squeemish and craven mouse. For many men of distant generations these challenges came in times of war. The whistle came and a man stood shoulder to shoulder with his brothers and sought the fortitude to climb the ladders and enter the fray. Christian's time has come now. Can he find the resolve, the strength of spirit to get his pee-pee covered in
vaginal blood? He can! He grinds into her, biting his lip and trying desperately to ignore the sticky blood enveloping his manhood. He cries out in anguish, but he drives on, smashing his knob into her period gunk and unfertilised egg detrius. "Arrrrghh!" he comes with a thunder, like a cannon of war. "I'm bleeding," observes Anastasia stupidly. No sh!t.

I look at the stick that is jerking between my legs. "Grab hold. Go on Anastasia. Grab it!" Christian urges vehemently. So they go out for a ride in this glider plane thing. They climb up to 3,000 feet. "Jeez, that sounds high," observes Anastasia stupidly. I think that's the idea you dumb fvvck! I have a brief fantasy bout him ejector-seating on a parachute and letting the dumb virgin glide off into a distant mountain, but it don't happen that way. Would've been a sweet way to end the book tho! He actually lets her have a go on the controls which is about the most dangerous, reckless thing I ever heard. I wouldn't let b!tch in charge of my shopping trolley let alone a fvvcking plane! Afters they go to this restaurant to have breakfast. B!tch is doing that annoying thing where she won't choose her own food, she is like "Oh no, I'll have the same as whatever you're having". That really p!sses me off when b!tches is copying. Think for yourself! If a girls is trying it on me I'm always ordering the most disgusting thing on the menu, I'm like can I get cheese and haddock sandwich please with extra olives and gherkins, and restaurant like oh sorry haddock is off and I'm like that's ok I quite like it off. Make that two please. I ain't got much else to say really. It weren't a very eventful chapter cos two thirds of it was Anastasia describing the fvvcking sky. I'm gonna take the opportunity to make a serious point tho. This is sposed to be an investigations after all, but I feel like I've got a bit sidetracked with all the stuff bout how annoying b!tch is. So anyway, throughout the book whenever we is meeting another girl Anastasia is immediately observing how they is all fancying Christian. She makes out it's annoyings but technically she's reveling in it. This is a key difference between b!tches and dudes! B!tches is loving to think that all their mates fancy on their man, it makes them feel good like they is catching a prize. Dudes is not bothered if other dudes is not wanting to hit on their bird. As long as my bird is giving me boner, I'd prefer it if she is not giving anyone else boner. Take a line through muslims. It's a primal thing. Probably from olden days when there was more women than men. In other news, Christian Grey listens to Britney Spears on his iPod. Lols.

I dunno how familiar you is with porno, but the ones I like are where you has clear motivations for the boning. For example in a good porno you might have this hot young girl who is behind on her rent, but she is finding out that her fat old landlord is addicted to Snickers bars and so when he comes to collect the rent see is having a Snickers bar shoved up her fanny and he can eat it out if he lets her off rent, but then it turns out it was Mars Bar he was loving cos he is allergic to nuts and he has heart attack and dies and when the ambulance dudes turn up they say they is going to report her for murder unless she fvvcks them both plus anal. What I'm saying is good porno needs a little plot. EL James don't know nothing bout plot! This is the second last chapter and we ain't had any plotting at all! There's been no murders, no blackmails, no car chases, no fist fights, no bits where someone turns out to be actually the long lost son of someone else. Basically, nothing is happening. If EL James made an actual porno for the first hour the hot girl would be sitting around in her flat chatting to her Inner Goddess bout how she ain't sure if her landlord loves her, or if he just likes Mars Bar. Then he'd give her a quick knob, and then it would finish without anyone even getting battered up the anal. So the first scene of this chapter is basically terrible. It's bout Anastasia saying goodbye to her mum at the airport. They is being really wet bout it and the mum is giving Anastasia all advice bout following her heart and relaxing and enjoying herself and advising her not to "overthink things" (Lols). This is going on and on. The mum is advising "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you bone a prince" and Anastasia is saying wetly that she's boning a prince but she's worried bout him turning into a frog. At this point this new character called Bob is interjecting. He's the mum's boyfriend. I hadn't realised he was there listening to these two sh!t-heads banging on, poor barstard, it's obviously doing his head in cos he's like "Anastasia I think they're calling your flight..." The mum gives Anastasia "the most endearing, motherly, absolute-unconditional-love smile, and I marvel at the love I feel for this woman as we hug again." Sorry for quoting that last bit in full, but I feel like if I had to read it so should you! She is emailing Christian on the plane saying she's on her way home, and he is politely emailing back "I look forward to seeing you." And she, being the most annoying, needy b!tch in the world is emailing back "Is everything OK? The tone of your email is very worrying." I can only assume it's cos he didn't sign off with x's and flatteries. She don't seem to consider that the poor barstard is probably really busy at work or whatever! He is emailing back saying she shouldn't be emailing on a plane, but that don't stop her. She is emailing back again but this time she is changing the subject box to "Overreaction". She must be really doing his head in! I've had b!tches like this, when they is ringing you when you're busy at work and they're like, "Just calling to see how you're doing." When she gets back she is immediately going round his gaff to investigate the situation. To shut her up, he hitches up her short skirt and bangs her up against the wall. Then he sends her into the rape room. He makes her take off her clothes and kneel by the door, and then she has
to wait. He says he'll be along in a bit but in the meantime she has to sit like that with her thighs parted till he can bother to come rape her. She waits ages. Then he comes in. She is noticing that he's naked except for his clothes, whatever the fvvck that means. Then he does her hairdo again FFS. Then he is showing her the Flogger. Anastasia remembers what this is but I ain't quite so sure. I think it might of been the cat-o-nine tails. Then he is blind-folding her, and then he is tieing her to the bed so she is spread-eagled. Then he is whipping the sh!t out of her with the Flogger. Then he is licking her out. Then he is fvvcking her. Then he is untieing her. Then he's like "Turn over". Fvvcking yes! B!tch is gonna get bummed! "I'm going to rub your shoulders." FFS
50 Shades of Grey: Final Chapter Preview

I've been thinking a bit bout the 50 Shades today. I'm wondering how it's gonna end! It seems to me there is two key themes what is requiring resolutions: 1) Exactly how much abuses and humiliations will a b!tch put up with to secure a rich boyfriend b) Exactly how much annoying dumb b!tchery is a dude willing to put up with to secure a boning I'm thinking in final chapter we should be experiencing escalation on both points! Dude has done some stuff to her already, he has spanked her and whipped her and openly mocked her dumbness, and tied her up and fvvcked her and shoved whip handles up her vag. She is accepting all these abuses quite happily. I suspect she wouldn't have if the dude didn't own his own helicopter but whatever. Nonetheless Final Chapter must push these boundaries, b!tch has got to be abused like never before! There has been a lot of fore-shadowing bout anal fisting so I think that is the logical conclusion. B!tch is gonna get anal fisted, and then she is gonna decide if all the free air travel is worth ending up with a bumhole like an elephant's sock. Dude has also got to be questioning their relationship. She is gonna have to be an especially annoying dumb b!tch in this chapter! He is already putting up with her Inner Goddess and her "Oh I've never done that befores" and her bothering him at work all the time and her finding every single thing she puts in her fat gob "delicious". She has got to do something terrible! I reckon she's gonna have to hot wash his jeans or something. The ending of the book in my opinion, will be one or the other of them breaking off the sex contract and going separate ways. I ain't predicting them getting married or nothing. That would leave less scope for sequals. That's what's gonna happen, but I can think of a hundred better ways to end the book! I'd be giving them both Aids, or finding out they is Brother and Sister, or finding out the whole thing was a bet, or a TV Reality Game Show that Christian is on called "Can U Talk A Virgin Into Anal?" Maybe EL James will surprise me with something unexpected tho! You never know! I'm gonna have a little read on it in a bit and find out!

Final chapter b!tches! Anastasia wakes up with a jolt cos she just dreamed bout falling down some stairs. B!tch makes out like she tripped but I shouldn't be at all surprised if someone pushed her. She feels rested. This surprises her! It wouldn't surprise me but then I quite often wake up rested. That's kind of why I go to sleep. Maybe it's different for her what with getting shoved down stairs the whole time. She can hear piano music from the next room so she goes to investigate. She finds Christian, "Shrouded in darkness, Christian sits in a bubble of light." This is one of them sentences I'm having to read several times. It don't seem to make no sense! She finds him playing the piano. B!tch is loving this! The music he is playing is beautiful and melancholy and whatever. When he finishes he pauses for a split second, then starts playing the same song again. I'm investigating he can play piano bout as much as I can! I can play "Any Old Iron" from start to finish with both hands and singing, and sometimes I do when there's a piano lying around or whatever, and b!tches is creaming themselves "Oh Bearsy I didn't know you could play piano!" and I smile enigmatically, and then they're like "Play something else!" and I'm stymied cos it's the only song I know. My granddad learned it me like a monkey, I don't really know what I'm doing. He asks what she's up to, and she says she's got to take her pill. You know, the one what kills her babies. "He raises his eyebrows in surprise. Well remembered, he murmurs, and I can tell he's impressed." It is a small kind of accomplishment I spose. They is then chatting bout the sex contract. It ain't all bout what stuff he's gonna put up her bum, a lot of it is about how she's got to behave. It's all perfectly reasonable stuff, like she has to do what he says, and eat what he says, and wear what he says and keep her vag hairs trim. She ain't so bothered bout this, she's more bothered bout getting punished when she fvvcks up. She's wondering how bad these punishments is gonna get, and he's like "I'll show you," and she's like "You'll have to catch me first!" They is then chasing around his apartment for a bit like retards at a Special School Disco. He catches her pretty easily (she's fat) and frog marches her into the rape room. He decides he's gonna whip her butt six times with a belt buckle. I dunno why six times. It seems an arbitrary figure. If EL James was any kind of writer she'd of made it 50. He lifts her dressing gown so she's bare butt, and he makes her count along. She's like "One!" scream ow whimper, "Two!" scream ow whimper cry and so on. By the time dude hits six she's proper crying and runs out the room rubbing her butt. He brings her an advil for her butt. An advil, it turns out, is not one of those iron things Wile E Coyote tried to drop on Roadrunner's head, it's the American word for Anadin.
She is then saying she's fallen in love with him. No! says Christian clearly horrified. That's the actual word EL James uses, horrified. It's the last thing dude wants to hear, after all. Then she's saying but they can't be together no more. Every cloud etc. That's kind of how it ends. They ain't gonna see each other no more. At least till book two. There we have it, the story of too young lovers fated to be torn asunder. It's like Romeo & Juliet, except sh!t. FIN
Bearsy's Conclusion
On commencing these investigations, it was my aim to discover methods of making b!tches do what they don't want to do. I think it's fair to say I have uncovered the formula! What you have to remember is that every b!tch is made of three parts: 1) The First Person Consciousness. This is the bit that is walking around and talking. You don't need to worry too much bout her, she ain't in charge of anything. 2) The Subconscious. This is the nagging voice of her friends, her mum and magazine articles. She will be criticising on you the whole time in the background. Thing to watch for here is that the subconscious gets stronger as b!tch gets older and usually ends up taking complete control by the time b!tch hits 50. This is why sometimes older chicks can be so bitter and disagreeable. 3) The Inner Goddess. This is the part of the b!tch that is buying 50 Shades of Grey and thinking it a good book. It really speaks to the Inner Goddess. She is the little b!tch in every woman that deep down wants to get raped. It is the Inner Goddess you need to be working on! Here is the methods: a) Make the Inner Goddess think you is too good for her. You do this by sneering at her, and criticising her, and bossing her around, and putting her in situations where she is less comfortable than you. Flying your helicopter, for example. If not get her physically threatened by one of your mates, and then step in to 'save her'. If you do this, act like you're angry that you had to go to the trouble. She will be grateful, and guilty, and in your debt. b) Be making her friends fancy you. You should certainly be hitting on the friends and be nicer to them than you are to her. This makes the Inner Goddess desperate for your attention, and anxious to get you so she can lord it up over her mates. c) Don't be a little b!tch. This shouldn't need saying, but it's surprising how many dudes I see trying to score chicks by being nice to them, and begging on them, and complimenting their hair-do, and being sympathetic bout all their dumb concerns. You should think of the Inner Goddess as a badly behaved and ugly dog you're trying to train up. Never, under any circumstance be begging on your dog. Never ask for stuff, be ordering stuff! Thanks for reading homies! I hope these investigations is useful! If you is managing to apply these lessons, and get b!tches to do stuff that they know they shouldn't be doing, be sure to report back and let us all know! Wishing you all a merry rapemas and happy new anal. Bearsy
Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 1

Two out of three of us are very unhappy. I'm very unhappy. My Inner Goddess is very unhappy. She's comfort eating pringles and strawberry jam. My subconscious though, is loving it. I wish she'd shut up. She's always saying I told you so, I told you he was no good, I said you was too fat - it's your own fault for eating all those ham sandwiches. I'm desperate to hear a friendly voice, so I telephone Jose. "Dos mio?" he says, answering the phone. "Oh Jose, I'm so unhappy, Christian says he's not going to bone me anymore." "Dos mio!" "We had to end things it was too intense! The other day right, he lifted my skirt and he pulled down my pants and bent me over and he was whipping my bum and then he took the handle of the whip and he shoved-" "Dos Mi- wait. What are you wearing?" I can't follow the train of his thought. "Just my pants, I'm about to have a bath." It goes strangely quiet on the other end of the line. "Are you still there Jose?" "Yes," he says, his voice strangely husky. He's obviously very concerned to hear about Christian. At least I've got one true friend. "Tell me more. Was he feeling your boobs?" "Yes, with his left hand he was groping on my boobs, with his right hand he took the whip handle and he shoved it in my sex and he thrust it in and out and in and out and then he was biting on my neck... what's that noise?" "Nothing. I'm just polishing my... my soccer trophies. They're very dirty." "They must be. You're very out of breath." "Then he put it in your bum?" "No. I mean he wanted to, but he never did." "So no-one's raped your bum yet?" "No." "You need to come round here. Now. It's not safe for you to be alone." Oh Jose. I knew I could rely on him. What a good friend. I thought he might be disgruntled about when Christian
stopped him raping me but it's good to know we are still best friends forever. "Ok. I'll call for a taxi." "Don't bother. I'll come pick you up." "In your car?" "Yes." "Christian always picked me up in his helicopter." "Dos Mio!" Jose hangs up and I'm alone again. As alone as anyone can be when you've always got an Inner Goddess and Subconscious hanging around. The Inner Goddess is touching herself. "Stop that!" I say, but she just blows a raspberry at me. I'm thinking of having her tested. I'm wondering if it's aspergers. ************************************************** *************** "Christian's house is much bigger than your house," I observe when we pull up. "Really." "Oh yes, he has got a full size grand piano in his house. Do you have a full size grand piano in your house?" "No." "And in his bathroom he's got two sinks. How many sinks do you have in your bathroom?" "One." I sigh heavily. Jose looks at me with a fierce expression of concern. I've seen that expression on his face once before, I think when we were at Weatherspoons. It makes me think of Christian. "Did I tell you he's got his own aeroplane?" "Yes. Come in. We'll have to go up to the bedroom, the lounge is being fitted out for a swimming pool." He follows me up the stairs. My short skirt is riding up my bum and it reminds me of when Christian was wanting to ride up my bum. "I'll get you a drink," says Jose. "Oh no, I'm fine." "No. You need to have a drink. It'll help you relax." "No honest I'm fine."
"Have a ****ing drink!" screams Jose, his eyes bulging madly. Something about the tone of his voice reminds me of Christian and I find myself meek and compliant. "Ok," I say. He comes back with a glass of red wine. "Oh, is that sparkling?" "No, it's a madeira. My grandfather used to work on the vineyard." "But it's fizzing?" "Oh, right. Yes, it's the new sparkling madeira. Try it." I drink it. Absolutely delicious! "You look very tense," says Jose. "I had better rub your shoulders." He rubs them. His hands are still sweaty from polishing his soccer trophies. He's very red in the face and a bit breathless. I shut my eyes and think of Christian. "That's right baby," says Jose soothingly. "Close your eyes. Relax. Let the warm blanket of relaxation envelop you." He unbuttons my shirt so that he can rub my shoulders better, but all I'm thinking about is Christian and I hardly notice. I always feel very safe with Jose. I know I can trust him. Other than the time he tried to rape me, he's always been the perfect gentlemen. "Another thing that annoys me about Christian," I murmur dreamily, "Is how he was always tieing me up, he had me spread-eagled on his bed one time and was licking my sex and there was nothing I could do." "Dos mio!" says Jose sympathetically. "Just forget about him baby. You're safe here. Jose's here. You're feeling very sleepy." "I am." My voice is just a murmur, barely audible. "You can sleep here. Let me help you out of these clothes." I'm so grateful. It's just like when I got drunk and Christian had to undress me. People are so nice. Jose removes my top and unhooks my bra. He pauses for a moment, and then wipes my boobs for me. He removes my skirt, and my pants, accidentally running his finger along the lips of my pussy. "Just sleep baby," says Jose. "Sleep." I'm drifting off, I think I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming Christian is kissing my sex and it feels so real. It's the most vivid dream! He's flipping me over, and I feel something large parting my bum cheeks. "Dos mio!" says Christian in my dream. It seems an odd thing for him to say, but whatever. Suddenly there is a massive crashing noise, and I'm dragged from my dream. I'm facedown on the bed naked. Someone is on top of me. I look across the room and Christian is standing in the doorway! "Christian!" I exclaim. "How did you find me?"
"I had a tracker inserted in your vag," he says calmly. "Oh, that explains it." My eyelids are heavy again, and when they close this time they close for good, and I drift off into a long and dreamless slumber. The last thing I hear is my Inner Goddess p!ssing herself. Too much wine.

I wake up and find I'm in the rape cell of Christian's house. I can't remember how I got here. I think really hard but sometimes it's difficult without using my brain. There is a strange sensation in my head. It's like pain. Is this what people call a headache? In all my 21 years I've never had a headache before. I always wondered what people was going on about when they said they had headaches. I asked my Dad once, how come I never get headaches dad? He said an unused chisel never blunts. Whatever that means. My Inner Goddess is here. She's on the other side of the room, by the manacles. As I watch she reaches down to her bumhole, roots inside a bit and then slowly lifts her hand to her mouth and licks her fingers. I wish she'd stop doing that. It's making me hungry. The Subconscious is here too. "You're a dumb fvvck," she says. I dunno if she's talking to me or the Inner Goddess. What did I do? "He's left you a note," she adds, pointing at the set of drawers where Christian keeps his scalpels. It's a note from Christian! MISS STEELE I AM AT WORK. DO NOT CALL ME. I AM BUSY. DOCTOR SAVILE IS COMING TO SEE YOU. THERE IS A TOOTHBRUSH FOR YOU BESIDE THIS NOTE. DO NOT USE MY TOOTHBRUSH. EVER. CHRISTIAN I give an immediate gasp of horror! No x's! What does this mean? Is he angry with me? Doesn't he love me anymore? I find my cell phone and call his number. "Yes," he says. "Christian? It's me." "Who dammit." "Ana." "Oh for fvvcks sake. What is it?" "Erm. How are you doing?" There's a long pause. "I'm very busy." What does that mean! Why does he always have to talk in riddles. Teasing, teasing man!
"I'm going to go to use the bathroom in a minute." "Fine," he says and hangs up. Just that, "Fine". No interest, he doesn't ask me if it's number one or number two or anything. (It's number two). I head for the bathroom. He has two sinks in his bathroom. I think it's one of the best things about him. I remember dimly something about Jose but I can't quite make it out. I realise I left my new new toothbrush on the chest of drawers but it seems a lot of trouble to go back and get it, so I just use Christian's. ************************************************** ********************* Doctor Savile comes when I'm just finishing my dump. I don't even have time to wipe. I dress quickly in Christian's underpants, Christian's socks, Christian's trousers and Christian's best shirt. They baseball one signed by Babe Ruth he has hanging on the wall. I have to smash the glass to get it out, and it gets a small tear on the sleeve. It doesn't matter, I'm only going to wear it indoors. Doctor Savile is smoking his big cigar. "Now then, now then my lovely. I hear you're a bit under the weather. Had a little visit from our old friend Mr. Roofie last night is it?" I don't know what he's on about. Probably the Babe Ruth shirt I'm wearing. "No, I'm ok. Just got a bit of a headache." "Now then, now then. Headache is it my lovely. I'd better have a look. Pop your clothes off." I take off Christian's shirt, and Christian's trousers, and Christian's underpants, and Christian's socks and dump them in a pile in the floor. Doctor Savile comes over and carries out a very thorough examination. It's good to be in the hands of a top medical professional, he should be able to get to the bottom of my headache. He does in fact immediately head for the bottom. "Now then, now then. Bend over," he says. I kind of wish I'd wiped now. It's probably a bit rude. I try to clench my bum to suck up the smell but it backfires and I let off a small parp in his face. His cigar blazes briefly like a chinese lantern. "Oh I'm sorry," I say but Doctor Savile does not seem bothered. He moves his face closer to my bum and sniffs deeply. "Now then, now then I'd better take your temperature. Shut your eyes." I close my eyes and hear the zip of Doctor Savile taking his thermometer out of it's case. "It's quite a large one," he says. He slides it roughly into my bum. He's gone to the trouble of warming it to body temperature. That shows what a good Doctor he is. You don't get that sort of service at the public hospitals. "Can't get a good reading," he grunts and slides it in and out a few times. I'm in some discomfort at this point, but I grit my teeth and bear it. "Got to get deeper," he hisses in my ear and I give out an involuntary gasp of pain. Suddenly he gives a howl of anguish and I feel warm liquid wash inside my seething anal passage. Oh no! The
thermometer must have broken! Will Christian still want my bum when he finds out it's full of broken glass and mercury? "You dumb fvvck," says the Subconscious standing by the doorway, holding my Inner Goddess in a resolute headlock. Why is she always so mean?

There seems to be something wrong with Christian's phone. I've called it 57 times in the last twenty minutes but it just rings once or twice and then goes to answerphone. That must be very annoying for him! I know how important his phone is for doing work. In the end I leave a message. "Oh hi Christian... how are you?" I hang up the phone and then I feel a bit bad about my message. It seems incomplete. I ring back and leave another message, "It's me, Ana." I ring one more time to make sure. "Anastasia Steele." One thing I notice about Christian's house is he doesn't have any photos lying around. It takes me ages to find them. He keeps a small photo album in a secret compartment beneath the floorboards under the grand piano which I have to accidentally move out the way. On the front of the photo album he's written "Christian's Diary of Dead Skanks". Cryptic! Probably some kind of code! Inside there is 49 photos of 49 different girls. Who are these b!tches! I wonder to myself. He obviously likes them because he's marked out each photo with a big red cross, like a kiss from a text message. My Subconscious is looking at the pictures over my shoulder. "You thinking what I'm thinking?" she says. "Oh yes," I reply sadly. "They're all much thinner than me." My Subconscious doesn't look happy. She's gone a bit pale. If I didn't know better I'd say she was frightened. "I think we should get out of here," she says. I know what she means. Although me and Christian are deeply in love forever, we only agreed last week that we shouldn't go out no more cos I don't like being arse raped. I sigh deeply. The pain of arse raping is bad, but is it worse than having to use a bathroom with only one sink in it, or having to fly economy class with poor people? I'm debating bout what to do but it's too late! I hear the door go and Christian walks in! "What the fvvck are you wearing?" he says immediately. "And where the fvvck did you get that photo album!" "Oh it was just lying around." I watch him nervously as he looks round the room, at the moved piano, emptied out cupboards, upturned plant pots and so on. I don't think he suspects anything though. "What day does the housekeeper come?" I say innocently. "I've noticed it's a bit more messy in here than normal." "Come to the rape room," he growls. That's a relief. I was worried he might be angry. I think we're gonna make love! ************************************************** *** "There's a story behind that shirt you're wearing," says Christian as we walk into the rape room. "Oh yes?"
"It belonged to Babe Ruth. It hasn't been worn since he hit the winning home run in the 1928 World Series. It cost me two hundred thousand dollars." "That's nice," I say politely. I lift it up over my head and toss it into the corner. He gives a loud howl. Probably excited to see my boobs. He then kind of slips and accidentally punches me full in the face. I fall over onto my hands and knees. He lifts me and frogmarches me over to the wall manacles. He strips off my clothes and then manacles my wrists to the wall. Then he lifts my legs and shackles them to my wrists so I'm hanging from the wall doubled up with my bum pointing into the room. It's not all that comfortable, if I'm honest. Christian runs across to the armoury and starts browsing through his stuff. There's a small dildo, that might not be so bad. Then a wine bottle. That'd be ok. I am a bit thirsty. Then he gives a wicked smile and picks up a baseball bat. This is no time to be playing baseball! My Subconscious is looking a bit faint. "I think I'll wait outside," she says. I don't know what the largest thing you've had shoved up your bumhole is. Until now I ain't had nothing larger up there than Dr. Savile's thermometer. "Alright Babe Ruth, so you want to play baseball?" he says. I smile to myself. He just called me babe! He shoves the handle end of the baseball bat up my bumhole. It's really up there! I mean right a long way! "Take a practice swing," he says. I do my best, waving my bum side to side so the thick end of the bat flaps about a bit. To be honest I don't watch much sports, but I'm fairly sure this is how the Yankees do it. Christian starts pitching things at the bat and I try my best to hit them. It ain't as easy as it looks on tv, and to be honest when I actually hit something the additional bumhole pain from the smack outweighs the pleasure of my triumph. It takes a couple of hours before I finally hit a home run. I'm exhausted. Christian too, "I'm going to bed," he says. "Christian!" I call after him as he stalks out the room. "Christian! Can't you take the bat out first please?"

After spending the night shackled to the wall of Christian's rape room with a 2 pound baseball bat hanging out my bumhole, I'm starting to question our relationship. Am I good enough for him? He's so rich and clever and experienced - in all my 21 years I'd never even heard of playing bum baseball, let alone thought that people would do it for fun. He deserves someone better than me, someone who can hit a curve ball. Nonetheless when the door opens my heart skips a beat and my Inner Goddess claps her hands because we're both so excited to see Christian, but it's just the boring old house-maid. It's a bit awkward to be honest, what with being shackled to the wall with wooden bats hanging out my arse. She don't seem bothered though, she just glances at me and shakes her head sadly and sighs, "Dos mio... not again!" I'm not sure what she means by that. I don't speak Spanish. "Oh hi!" I say, waving my bum bat in greeting. "Could you let me down please?" "Dos mio, you stupid girl! How you let him do this to you?" I have a little lol to myself at her poor English. She's pretty old and pretty fat and pretty much not pretty. No competition at all! At least there's one woman in the world I don't have to worry bout stealing my Christian. After she lets me down I have a look around for Christian but I can't find him anywhere. Must of buggered off to work or something, so I call Jose to come pick me up. "Dos mio?" he says. "Oh hi Jose, come pick me up from Christian's." "I'm at hospital, my father, he has heart attack." "Which hospital?" "St. Clares." "Oh no!" That's all the way over the other side of town. "Well, quick as you can then." He turns up eventually. I find it completely impossible to sit with my sore bum, so I lay face face down on the back seats. Jose seems a bit put out. "I wanted some of that sweet ass, now is ruined," he says mournfully. When I get home Kate is pumping iron, I can see the sweat glisten on her shaved head. She's taken to smoking cigars, and wearing combat trousers and tank tops. "Alright darling?" she says, her deep voice making the cutlery rattle. "Let's have a look at this bumhole." She massages it for a bit, and finding it sore she licks on it to make it better. "Men!" she says in disgust when she sees how torn up it is. "You wouldn't have this problem if you went with girls." "Hahaha!" I laugh. The very idea! Nothing against lesbians, I don't know any personally but I'm sure they're nice
people or whatever, it's just not for me. I know Kate feels the same, I can hear her mmm-ing with agreement as she licks my pussy. I realise now that I ain't seen my subconscious around for a while. It's weird, she's always here ragging me for one dumb thing or the other. Suddenly she comes bursting into the room. She's bugging out! She looks at me wildly, "Ana, hide me!" "What? What's going on?" She looks dumbly at her hands in the dazed, canine fashion that I look at books. I see now they're dripping with blood. "I've killed Christian," she says. Oh my God!

In all my 21 years I've never been to a police station before. It ain't what I expected, it's quite small inside and they have all the stolen goods on display with the value next to them like they're boasting bout what good coppers they are. "Can I help you?" says the dude by the counter. "I'd like to report... a murder!" I say all dramatically like they do on tv. Dude looks at me. "I think you want next door. This is a jewellers." Oh. That makes more sense! So I try next door. "Oi, are you a copper?" He looks at me sniffilly. "We prefer police officer." "Whatever. I want to report... a murder!" They make me go sit in an interrogation room. This is a lot better. It's just like TV. The table and chairs are bolted down and it's got one of those mirrors on the wall which is really a window. I imagine there is a load of coppers behind it, chain smoking while they scrutinise my body languages. Probably they're also perving on my boobs and trying to look up my skirt, dirty bastards. Door opens and a police dude comes in. He's one of the sexy looking ones like from movies. You can tell just by looking at him that he is Loose Cannon and Bends The Rules to get the Job Done. "You have information about a homicide?" he says. Homicide! Lols. "Yes." There's an awkward silence. "And?" he says. "It's Christian Grey... he's been murdered!" Dude makes a note of this. "Christian Gay," he says. "Grey! He's a mega-industrialist tycoon, and the enigmatic entrepeneur and major benefactor of Grey Enterprise Holdings Inc." "What is your relationship to the deceased?" Ooh awkward question. I lean forward a bit, and kind of whisper. "He wants to put it in my bum." Dude looks at the mirror and raises his eyebrows. "And you believe he's been murdered?" "Oh yes." "And you know who committed the crime?" "Oh yes." "Who?"
"Erm." This is a bit awkward. My subconscious is stood right there looking at me frostily. She didn't want to come to the police at all. "What will happen to the person that done it?" "It depends on the circumstances. They'll go to jail, or possibly face the death penalty." My subconscious blanches. I've got no sympathy. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime! "Look," says the copper. "We get a lot of time wasters in here, if you have any information give it to me now. Who are we talking about?" "It's a friend of mine," I say in a small voice. "Name?" "Subconscious." "Excuse me?" "That's her name. At least that's what I always call her." "Sub Conscious," he says slowly. "Are you going to strip search me now?" "What? Why?" I lean forward, jut out my boobs. "You know, for evidence," I say huskily. Dude takes a half step backwards, but before he can say anything there's a kind of banging noise from behind the mirror. "Excuse me," he says and pops out the room. He's gone a few minutes. I can hear raised voices arguing next door. When he comes back he seems a bit put-out. I imagine he's just had his balls busted by his Stupid Chief. "Ok," he says unenthusiastically. "Take off your clothes." Oh no. I was afraid of this. Still you have to what the police say, so I stand up and start undressing. "Face towards the mirror please," says the police officer mechanically. I take off my shirt and my bra and my skirt and my pants. I walk over to the mirror and spread-eagle myself against it. The glass feels pleasingly cool on my nips. "Ok," I say resignedly. "Ok what?" "You can do the cavity search now." "Nah... you're alright. We've got everything we need." "Are you sure? There might be evidences in my bumhole."
"That's fine. Honestly. You're free to leave, we'll be in touch if there's any news," he says, and kind of runs out the room. I hear muffled laughing from the other side of the glass. I put my eye against it but I can't see nothing. Mysterious!

It's Christmas time in Washington or Vancouver or wherever the fvvck I live.You can tell because it's more cold and because people are wishing me Happy Christmas the whole time. What is there to be happy about? Christian Grey is dead FFS! Selfish bastards! I find it odd that no-one has contacted me about Christian Grey's funeral. I'd of thought I would be guest of honour! Certainly I should be making a speech and throwing myself weeping over his coffin and dry humping his corpse and stuff. It seems a terrible oversight! I ain't sure who to call so I pop along to his offices to see what they're saying about it. They're a callous bunch at his work. Hardly anyone is wearing black or silently weeping in stationary cupboards. Even his own secretary is dressed up as a slutty elf and openly singing Christmas carols. Fvvcking b!tch. I'm like, "Oh hi I'm here bout the funeral." She seems confused. Probably drunk. "What funeral?" "The Christian Grey funeral!" She squints at me. "I dunno what you mean. He's in his office. Shall I call through?" What! Christian ain't dead? "Yes," I say breathlessly, "tell him Ana is here!" She does so, then she's like, "He says Ana who?" "Anastasia Steele! He put a baseball bat up my bum Tuesday night!" She tells him this, then she looks me up and down and says, "Blonde. Bit fat." Then after a second she says I can go on in. I ain't been in this office since the first time I met Christian, when I tripped over and he nearly bummed me. It ain't changed a lot. The only thing that has changed in fact is Christian. He looks a lot different! He's aged about 30 years and is now about 40 pounds overweight. He's also grown a beard and his hair has gone all grey. It's all a bit odd. I only saw him Tuesday. "That ain't him you dumb fvvck," says my subconscious and I have to concede she might be right. "Where's Christian?" I say. "That's me," says the dude. "No, Christian Grey." "Yes, that's me."
For fvvcks sake! "I'm looking for Christian Grey, the mega-industrialist tycoon, enigmatic entrepeneur and major benefactor of Grey Enterprise Holdings Inc." He shrugs. "Still me." Hmm. Is it possible there is two Christian Greys who is both mega-industrialist tycoons, and the enigmatic entrepeneurs and major benefactors of Grey Enterprise Holdings Inc? It would be a bit of a coincidence if they both worked in the same office though. Probably I need to be more specific. "The Christian Grey who whipped my butt and then shoved the handle up my vag till I cum on his fingers." "There you have me," says the dude. "I ain't done that yet." This is all very odd. I ain't been so confused since James Arthur won x-factor. "Have you got a son?" "Yes." "Oh hi! I'm Ana! He probably mentioned me, he's been putting things up my bum and stuff." "I doubt it. Lucas is only 8." Sigh. I've had enough. I turn to leave but I don't realise my inner goddess is squatting behind me doing a poo on the carpet and I totally trip over her and fall heavily on my hands and knees! "Wait right there!" says Christian Grey-hair urgently. "There's something hanging out the back of you!" "What is it?" I say anxiously looking over my shoulder. Not my tampon string again! Christian Grey-hair rushes over. "Just as I thought... it's my KNOB!" He lifts my skirt and roughly pulls down my pants. I have a quick debate with my Subconscious about this. Should I be letting him knob me even though he is a disgsting old man I've only just met? My Subconscious thinks not, but I point out that his is a very rich disgusting old man I've only just met. Also having just lost one Christian Grey it would be very convenient to immediately replace him with another. Before I can make my mind up though he sticks it in me with gusto. He puts it in my vag though, which is odd. I guess he ain't much like original Christian after all! He does do me nice and rough though. I haven't been knobbed this hard since last Christmas when I forgot to leave out cookies for Santa. "Fvvcking. Dumb. B!tch!" he repeats over and over as he pounds away. Bit out of order to talk bout his secretary like that! --------------------------------------------------
In full disclosures I ain't actually read book 2. The review above was just experiment to see if writing the book is less trouble than reading the fvvcking thing. Turns out it is!
Real Actual Book Review B!tches!
Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter One

Okay so I've actually bought the fvvcking thing! It cost me 3.32 on kindle which saved me the embarrassment of buying the filth in an actual shop but has immediately fvvcked up my Amazon shopping history. I'm now being offered Twilight novels, self help books for chubby mums and also a book called "50 Shades of Black and Blue" by I.B.Naughtie which i imagine is ripping the p!ss on the 50. I wonder how many people buy 50 Shades just to rip the p!ss. Don't spose E.L.James is bothered, she's got my money now! First up there is an actual prologue but i don't bother reading prologues. If it ain't good enough even to make the book proper then it ain't deserving my attention so i pile immediately into Chapter 1. We pick up 3 days after Ana broke up with Christian. She's just started a new job. Her boss comes up to her and says what a good job she's done. She don't say thanks or nothing, she just says I'm going home now. He says good night, and then she says good night. I dunno why E.L.James thinks we need to hear bout this dumb conversation but it might be important for laters so I thought I'd share. The boss dude's name by the way is Jack Hyde. His name interests me, I reckon E.L.James is doing some of her classic fore-shadowing! I shouldn't be at all surprised if nice Jack(yll) turns out to be psycho Mr. Hyde. Once she's outside she takes a deep breath but it "doesn't begin to fill the void in my chest". I'm no doctor, but I believe that's called your lungs and if you can't fill them with breathing then you ought to call a fvvcking ambulance. She accidentally thinks bout Christian and it gives her bitter taste in her mouth. I'm like yeah baby remember the bitter taste of my juices baby in ur mouth-hole! But she doesn't seem to like it so what she does now is try to keep her mind as blank as possible. I can't imagine that's difficult. She goes home. Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh is on holiday so she's all alone. She turns on tv "but I don't listen or watch" and again i don't like to be criticising the whole time but that kind of defeats the object. If you don't want to listen or watch the tv there's no point turning it on. It's actually easier to not listen or watch tv if you leave it switched off. Then someone rings on her doorbell, and she's like who can that be? It turns out to be delivery man. He is "noisily chewing gum" which must be annoying when you're busy trying not to listen to tv. The delivery is two dozen white roses and a card. It's from Christian, he's saying bout congratulations on her new job. This simple gesture makes the "hollow void in my chest expand." I'm relieved. Cancel the ambulance, she's breathing. She looks at the roses, but she can't bring herself to throw them in the trash. It wouldn't even of occurred to me! Ungrateful b!tch! "In my mind's eye, I visualize Christian's face the last time I saw him as when I left."
Read that sentence a couple of times. I know I did. There's now a lot of guff bout how much she misses Christian. She can't eat cos she misses him so bad. By her account in 6 days the only thing she eats is one cup of yoghurt (do you put yoghurt in cups? I usually eat it straight from the pot). This is actually quite normal, it's a natural state that b!tches have developed through evolution. What happens is in relationship they get comfortable, start over-eating and get fat and disgusting. When they inevitably lose their mate the evolutionary instincts kick in and they starve themselves till they're slim enough to attract a new stud. Simple scientific fact. It's been the same since cave-man days although of course in cave-man days they had no choice cos if there weren't a dude out hunting you a sabre-tooth tiger, then there was no sabretooth tiger burgers to be got. She gets email from Christian at work. He's asking if she wants to go with him to see Jose's opening. I blink a bit at this, but it turns out to be a gallery opening where Jose is showing his dumb photos. Anastasia reads this email then hastily leaves her desk and runs to toilet. I figure she's going to drop off the yoghurt, but it turns out she just wants to have a little cry. She agrees to go with him to see Jose's opening. He picks her up from work in his dumb helicopter. Jackyll Hyde is not loving this, you can tell he's well jealous. He's probably calculating how much money he's gonna have to spend on the b!tch to knob her. Christian immediately notices bout all the weight she's lost and is really p!ssed off bout it. I totally get this, all the time they was going out she's stuffing her fat gob with ham sandwiches and nettles and it's only after they split she bothers to show some self control. She's pleased to see him and gets a lady boner. "Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin." I sometimes like to imagine what my reaction would be if i was chatting to a girl and she said something dumb like that. Could i still bone a girl if she was having desire pooling dark and deadly in her vag? Not that Christian don't say dumb things too. Here is one thing he says in the helicopter, "We've chased the dawn Anastasia, now the dusk." She gapes at him in surprise. What does this mean? I'm on same page, I don't have a fvvcking clue! They rock up at this gallery thing. Jose is there. I'm disappointed that it takes him 4 sentences before he says Dios Mio, it's almost like he ain't portugese no more! He's a bit bummed that she's turned up with Christian and to be honest it is a bit out of order, dude's big night grand gallery opening and she brings the guy who stopped him raping her a couple months back. She's very impressed with his photos though. He's done monochromes and colours. Then she wanders round the corner and finds hanging on the wall no less than seven giant portraits of her dumb face! She is surprised by this. She never sat for no portraits or signed necessary model release forms or whatever. I'm picturing long lense snaps of her shaving her pits. Christian is a bit p!ssed off and immediately buys all seven cos "I don't want some stranger ogling you". Ker-ching! Maybe Jose ain't so dumb after all! I feel like he's got vengeance for the Weatherspoons cock block! Christian sticks it out for 30 minutes, which is about 25 minutes more than I could stand looking at dumb photos in a gallery. Anastasia wants to stay longer but Christian points out quite reasonably that "you've seen the photos and spoken to the boy". He's started calling Jose boy. Possibly a bit condescending, he's only like 5 years older. Unless Jose is black. Maybe Jose is black. Maybe it's a racist thing. Where are we, Seattle. Is that a Klan state?

50 Shades of Grey Reviewed

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Contents

50 Shades Of Grey: Overview

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter One

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 2

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 3

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 4

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 5

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 6

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 7

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 8

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 9

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 10

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 11

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 12

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 13

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 14

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 15

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 16

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 17

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 18

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 19

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 20

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 21

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 22

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 23

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 24

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 25

50 Shades of Grey: Final Chapter Preview

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 26

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 1

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 2

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 3

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 4

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 5

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 6

Real Actual Book Review B!tches!

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter One

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