KEYS TO WINNING WAYS (5)

The authenticity key

In the fifth of our series to encourage reflection and personal growth, life coach Jo Middlemiss asks what is real and what is pretend and if looking at life in a different way will free you up to be yourself?
AUTHENTICITY: The key for Liz and Jim?
Liz is sick of being all things to all people. She feels she has been living a lie for many years. But she simply wont allow her real self to come out in case it rebounds on her and leaves her friendless and alone. Jim meanwhile has wonderful ideas about how he can take his practice forward but is concerned that his modernising approach will land him in a situation that he cant handle. Can he take that risk? Is it time for Liz and Jim to turn the authenticity key? After all, the best present in the world is the gift that you already possess. To be yourself.
Here is Edward Bear coming down the stairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of the head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming down the stairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it. And then he feels that perhaps there isnt. (Milne, 1978, p.1) This is the opening sentence of Winnie-ThePooh, a book much beloved by my children when they were young, and read many times by me. However, Ive only just noticed this first sentence as something really quite significant and profound. In my work I often deal with people who cant see their way out of a situation. Like Edward Bear they think there might be a solution, if only the bumping would stop. How many times do we think this way? (Someone said to me once that the first sign of madness is continuing to do the same thing while expecting a different result.) I recently had my elderly mother staying with me. She is a bright, attractive, interesting and accomplished woman. She proudly announces that she still has all her marbles - but unbeknownst to her some of them are rattling around a bit and messing up her short-term memory. Spending a few days with her is like living on the set of Groundhog Day. Funnily enough this is one of my favourite films. The main character lives the same day over and over until he gets it just right. He is only liberated when his behaviour is authentic and his love is absolute and unconditional. My mother is 90, still walks everywhere, and minds strongly that she had her driving licence taken off her a few months ago. She plays competitive bridge and loves to buy shoes and beautiful clothes. The memory problems are however hard for us to come to terms with. I never thought her an impatient person but something about being 90 has made her want things immediately. So the paradox of having to exercise extreme patience in the presence of impatience is quite a challenge. For example, pretending not to know something that she has told me two minutes previously feels like cheating, but saying I know annoys her! I am trying to work out if this is the real her naughtily popping up, or if it is something to do with changes in the brain. Perhaps she has been pretending to be virtuous all these years and never really dealt with the irritation she felt with others? I dont know and Ill never know for sure. It has got me thinking, though, about what is real and what is pretend. And why it is that, like Liz, we feel we have to present a particular face just to be all things to all men. Why shoulds and oughts and musts get in the way of us being our true selves. In The Power of Intention Dr Wayne W. Dyer says that we must try to let our reputations go because they are not really ours to hold: It resides in the minds of others. If you speak to thirty people you will have thirty different reputations. Apparently there is even a book out called What you think about me is none of my business. I like that idea because it stops me doing what I do for approval but because I know it is the right and authentic thing to do. So why is it important to be real? In my view it is important because it acknowledges that we are unique from day one. There is no-one else quite like me who can do what I was designed to do or be what I was designed to be. Of course being unique does not allow you to get away with that old chestnut, Thats just me. Ive always been like this. These are words I am positively allergic to. I was talking to a woman the other day who has split up from two husbands, for exactly the same reason. Another woman I know has tried every faddy diet in the world, but has never made the connection between her extra weight and the food she puts in her mouth. A third person has lived with a husband who has been serially unfaithful to her for all of their forty-year marriage. Changing her behaviour has only just occurred to her.

Question and challenge

The way we behave is frequently not you at all, but what you think you should be. Our conditioning is what keeps us stuck in old, useless behaviour patterns. Very often we are still saying and doing things right into middle age that our parents and teachers habitually said or did, even though our situation and circumstances are completely different and we are different people. Certainly retain the good stuff, but question and challenge the ideas and beliefs that keep you stuck and bumping your head on the stairs. If you find this difficult, remember that there are always at least two ways to look at everything. Just look at the picture below (credited as My wife and my mother-in-law, W.E. Hill, circa 1915. More examples on http://brisray.com/optill/othis.htm): What do you see? Some people see a young woman, and some see an old hag. Some are able to see both. This way of thinking is very effective. It stops us jumping to conclusions and making rash judgements before we have all the facts. Its worth remembering that we never have all the facts. Have you ever had the experience of making your mind up about someone or something, and then feeling a bit stupid because of a little snip of information which would have made all the difference to your conclusion? In Stephen Coveys The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People he tells the following story (pp.3031). He was sitting in an underground carriage early in the morning and people were pretty subdued. There was a youngish man sitting next to him. The mans three children were running wild on the tube, screaming and chasing each other around. Covey couldnt contain his irritation and asked the man if he could make an effort to control them. The intrusion shook the young man out of his reverie: Oh, youre right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I dont know what to think, and I guess they dont know how to handle it either. Covey was overwhelmed with embarrassment, sympathy and confusion. He tells this story against himself, and now believes in the mantra, Curious, not Critical. Having the confidence to really be yourself involves humility just as much as it involves pride, self-esteem and self-confidence. It is not about being brash or

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SPEECH & LANGUAGE THERAPY IN PRACTICE WINTER 2005

KEYS TO WINNING WAYS (5)

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Barriers for AHPs
A research team from the University of Liverpool has found that the psychological contract between the NHS and allied health professionals has been and is still being violated at all levels. Clinical psychologist Jan Bogg describes a psychological contract as a set of informal and imprecise rules relating to issues like an employers approach to training and development, compensation and promotion. Her research team distinguished three different types of barrier to career progression: the relatively low profile of allied health professionals, cultural barriers, and organisational barriers. They recommended the NHS should create new, clinical career paths, increase opportunities for training, promote flexible working practices and protect those who use them from discrimination. In addition, they say the NHS needs to do more to promote, implement and evaluate its commitments to breaking down barriers. Source: www.liverpool.ac.uk/researchintelligence www.liverpool.ac.uk/clinpsy/breakingbarriers

IF YOU DO THE SAME THINGS BUT EXPECT A DIFFERENT RESULT WANT TO BE CURIOUS RATHER THAN CRITICAL WOULD LIKE TO BE YOU, NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD BE

unchanging. If we really want people to accept us in an unconditional way then we must offer the same to others. This is what Margery Williams was talking about in the famous childrens book The Velveteen Rabbit (p15-16): Real isnt how you are made. Its a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become REAL. It doesnt happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. Thats why it doesnt happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things dont matter at all because once you are REAL you cant be ugly, except to people who dont understand. (I dont know about you but we have a bear in our house who is approximately 57 years old and has been loved REAL by two small boys exactly in the way of The Velveteen Rabbit.) Becoming real and authentic may well involve looking at life in alternative ways. What better advice could be given than that from Shakespeare in Hamlet, to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. So if you feel as if you are repeatedly bumping your head, stop and think. There might just be a better way of coming down the stairs. Jo Middlemiss is a qualified Life Coach with a background in education and relationship counselling, tel. 01356 648329, www.dreamzwork.co.uk.

Ataxia needs highlighted

International Ataxia Awareness Day was marked this year for the first time by both Ataxia UK and the Ataxia-Telangiectasia Society and focused on the difficulties around obtaining an accurate diagnosis. While Ataxia UK is for all people affected by ataxia, the Ataxia-Telangiectasia Society focuses on young people with that particular form of the disorder. Ataxia is a life-limiting neurological disorder affecting coordination that can strike people of any age. There is no cure, and the charities raise funds for research and to help families cope. www.ataxia.org.uk

Stroke transfer

Following a successful pilot, a new tool is now available nationally to improve the delivery and continuity of care for people who have had a stroke. The Stroke Transfer of Care (ToC) document was developed to smooth the transition for patients from secondary to primary care. It includes key information on initial diagnosis, investigations undertaken, assessments, medications, lifestyle advice, rehabilitation and follow-up appointments and home care arrangements. The pilot revealed that 92 per cent of participating GPs stated they did not receive a document similar to the ToC protocol when their patients left hospital. Copies of the form completed by the hospital consultant go to the GP as well as the patient, and there is also a card for the patient providing clear information regarding their medication, lifestyle advice and aftercare arrangements. Interestingly, the document includes key indicators related to the GMS contract, helping the GP to achieve GMS targets and related financial rewards. Dr Tony Rudd, Chair of the Intercollegiate Stroke Group, co-authored the document with a GP. He said, One of the most common complaints patients have is that they feel abandoned when they leave hospital. Often this is due to failure to communicate effectively. This new document is a useful tool to ensure that essential information does not get lost when care is transferred after a devastating illness. The document is downloadable from the website of the Royal College of Physicians, www.rcplondon.ac.uk/pubs/books/stroketoc/.

Deaf children need better mental health services

References
Cole-Whittaker, T. (1991) What you think of me is none of my business. New York: Jove Books. Covey, S.R. (1992) The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. London: Simon and Shuster UK Ltd. Dyer, W.W. (2004) The Power of Intention. California: Hay House, Inc. Milne, A.A. (1978) Winnie-The-Pooh. London: Methuens Childrens Books. Williams, M. (2004) The Velveteen Rabbit. London: Egmont Books Ltd.

The National Deaf Childrens Society is campaigning to improve mental health services for deaf children in Northern Ireland. The charity was funded to prepare a report on the current situation by the four health and social services boards in the country through the Northern Ireland Mental Health and Deafness Forum. For the first time this enabled reliable data to be gathered on the 1166 deaf children and young people in Northern Ireland. As 90 per cent of deaf children are born to hearing parents, the Society points out it is important that parents get support to understand their childs deafness and to develop their own positive approach. However, the data demonstrated 12 per cent fewer cases than would be expected of deaf children and their families accessing Child and Adolescent Mental Health services. The report recommends a programme of structured intervention from diagnosis onwards should be developed, along with a range of activities to enable communication development and an intervention programme in schools to promote positive mental health and problem-solving skills. A preventative mental health strategy should also encourage schools to have specific anti-bullying policies and practice. The report also calls for a feasibility study on setting up a specialist child protection service, and suggests that two primary mental health care workers should be appointed to work specifically with and for deaf children and young people in the country. www.ndcs.org.uk
SPEECH & LANGUAGE THERAPY IN PRACTICE WINTER 2005

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