Church 2

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.
com
Church Jokes (Volume 2) Ray Owens www.jokeaday.com
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks, when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror, he saw a train coming. Panicked, he started to pray, God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad! Nothing happened. His foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad! Again, nothing. His foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared. He tried his plea one more time, God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress. Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records, Saint Peter decided to let him in. Follow me, he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walking, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Peter was furious. If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there. After some more walking, Peter dropped his keys again and again the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance. Again they walked, and for the third time Peter dropped his keys, so he bent over and picked them up. The gay guy, having no self-control, jumped on him. Peter was now fed up and sent the gay guy straight to hell.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com A few weeks later, Saint Peter went down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong - it is freezing, no fire, no lava, and in one corner, he found the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off. Why is it so god damn cold down here? Peter asked. Well, you just try bending down for firewood!! the devil replied.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are? Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, Could I have a blackboard and some chalk? Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. You really ARE Einstein! he says. Welcome to heaven! The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk? Saint Peter says, Go ahead. Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! he says. Come on in! Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours? George W. looks bewildered and says, Who are Einstein and Picasso? Saint Peter sighs and says, Come on in, George.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com
IN THE BEGINNING In the Beginning, God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with a cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, Let there be light, and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire; that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light Day and the darkness Night. Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed. The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth. Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before. At this point God created Hell.
I was sitting outside one cloudy day, reminiscing on all the bad luck I was having. Everything was going wrong. Feeling bad, I looked up to the heavens with outstretched arms and said, Why me, Lord? Why me?
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com All of a sudden, there was a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning, and as the clouds parted, a booming voice came down from the sky, and said, Because there's something about you that just ticks me off!
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, It's a miracle! Not really, said the cow. Your name is written inside the cover.
Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap. Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits the ball onto the green. Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap, where the ball curiously floats. So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and hits his ball out onto the green. Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water also. As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish jumps up and swallows it and is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup. Jesus turns around and says, Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit messing around and play golf?
A local hardware company called Tompkins has a new line of nails that they wish to sell.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com They hire a big shot advertising agency, and one of the salesmen begins work on the advertising campaign to sell these new Tompkins nails. After a month, the salesman calls a meeting with the board of directors from Tompkins, so he can show them what he has come up with. The salesman pulls away the covers revealing a poster of Jesus Christ nailed to a cross, and across the bottom in big letters it states, We used Tompkins Nails. Well as you can imagine, not many of the directors were particularly impressed with this, and they thought that they had too many religious builders in the local trade that would be rather upset by this poster. They told the salesman he had another month to come up with something better. A month later, the salesman returns, revealing his new poster, this time showing Jesus running away from the cross. The slogan now says, We SHOULD have used Tompkins nails!
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, Does anyone know Jesus' Mother's name? Susie raised her hand and said, It was Mary. The teacher said, Very good, Susie. Do you know Jesus' Father's name? Little Johnny said, Yes, it was Verg. The teacher asked how he came up with her answer. He said, You know, Verg 'n Mary.
Jesus was having dinner with his disciples one time, and as they gathered reverentially about him, more or less in the attitudes since immortalized by Leonardo da Vinci, he looked about at them. There, in one direction, he saw Judas Iscariot, who he well knew would betray him to the authorities before three hours had passed. On the other side was Peter, the prince of the disciples, who, as he well knew, would deny him thrice ere the cock crowed. And almost immediately opposite him was Thomas, who, on a crucial occasion, would express doubts. There seemed only one thing to do.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com Jesus called over the headwaiter. Max, he said, separate checks.
A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, Who's Jesus Christ? and the bum replies, Well, I am. The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, Jesus Christ, are you in here again?
It is the Last Supper, and Jesus is sitting with his disciples at the table. He stands up, lifts the bread up and says, Take This All Of you, And Eat It, For This Is My Body. He then puts the bread down and lifts the wine up and says, Take This All Of You, And Drink It, For This Is My Blood. Just then Peter jumps up and yells, Oh sit down Jesus, you're drunk!
A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there. The child looked at me and calmly stated, I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear.
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, Sorry, no room. The hotel is full. The Jewish lady said, But your sign says that you have vacancies. The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town... Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, I'll have you know I converted to your religion. The desk clerk said, Oh, yeah? Let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born? Mrs. Rosenberg replied, He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem. Very good, replied the hotel clerk. Tell me more. Mrs. Rosenberg replied, He was born in a manger. That's right, said the hotel clerk. And why was he born in a manger? Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, Who was the greatest man that ever lived? A girl raises her hand and says, I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country. The teacher replies, Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for. Another young student raises his hand and says, I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war. Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for. Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived. The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. Yes! she says, that's the answer I was looking for. She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, Why did you say, Jesus Christ?
The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business.
The Devil and Jesus decide that they are going to have a computer-programming contest. God counts down. . . 3, 2, 1, Go! and they begin typing and programming furiously. After a while, a tremendous lightning flash and thunder erupt and the power goes off and the contest is stopped. After power is restored, God asks to see what the Devil has programmed and the Devil responds, Cmon God, the power went out we lost everything. God walks over to Jesus' computer and asks to see what he has done and Jesus hits a key and glorious graphics scroll across the screen and a multimedia routine kicks in and the Devil just looks on dumbfounded. He asks how could that be, the power went off. God replied, Come on Devil, everyone knows that Jesus saves!
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said, TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00. A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, JESUS SAVES. One of the girls asked the cop, How come you don't stop them?! Well, that's a little different, the cop smiled. Their sign pertains to religion. So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign that now read, TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00.
I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read, I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems, so I wanted them to work on it there. I heard a little girl say very softly, Jesus Christ! I leaned over and said quietly, We don't say that in school. She looked at me, her eyes got very big and she said, Not even when things are all fucked up?!
The preacher said that, for a change, he would call out a word and anyone who could think of a hymn that involved that word, just start singing and we will all join in. He called out WOOD... and in just a second 10 people started singing, The Old Rugged Cross. He called out LOVE, and a little 6 year old started singing, Jesus Loves Me. He then called out SEX. Not a sound. Again, he called out SEX. A little old lady in the back row suddenly stood up and started singing, Precious Memories.
Jesus has just been nailed to the cross, and has begun to suffer from the wounds. A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering, he calls to one of his apostles: Paul... Paul, He calls out. Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering. Yes Jesus, how may I serve you? he exclaims. Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying, No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com Jesus once again calls his name. Paul Paul, he calls. Paul, determined, goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same guard who this time cuts off the left arm and both legs and throws him back into the crowd. Jesus yells out once again, Paul Paul. Paul, who is now lying on his back on the ground, attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard, seeing this determination and devotion, finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of the crowd. Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks, Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you? Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states, Oh nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house from here!
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait. Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you be Jesus!
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her, and approached them. What's going on here, anyway? he asked. This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her! one of the crowd responded. Wait, yelled Jesus, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky and knocked the woman on the side of her head. Aw, c'mon, Dad, Jesus cried, I'm trying to make a point here!
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you? Bobby said, Yes, God did it and he did it left handed. This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, What makes you say God did this with his left hand? Well, said Bobby, we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!
Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him, which is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: No, no, there's no charge. However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon, you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor. Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches. Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein. Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business, gushed Finkelstein. Would you consider a partnership? Sure, sure, replies Jesus. Jesus and Finkelstein it is. Uh, no, no, says Finkelstein, Finkelstein and Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman. The two of them debate this for some time. Among other topics, they have quite a good theological discussion. Finally, they come to a compromise decision. The new sign went up Lord & Taylor.
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark. The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You don't have to be afraid of the dark, she explained. Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you. The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, Are you sure he's out there? Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him, she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus? The drunk looks back and says, Yess, Preacher I sure am. The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. Have you found Jesus? the preacher asked. Nooo, I didn't! said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, Now, brother, have you found Jesus? Noooo, I did not Reverend. The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, Are you sure this is where he fell in?
A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register, he saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for What Would Jesus Do, and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation. The man thought a moment and then replied, Well, I'm damn sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps.
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, They couldn't get a baby-sitter.
Again, we were driving to work. Someone at the daycare must have been trying to teach them the Easter story, because my son asked, Mom, who's Jesus? Jesus is a man who lived a very long time ago, I began, He told people he was God's son. There were some people who didn't like what he was saying, so they killed him. He thought about that for a moment, and asked, Did they really nail him to a cross? Yes, they did. Well I wouldn't have nailed him to the cross. Just when I was ready to pat myself on the back for my fine explanation, he finished his thought. I would have used Super Glue.
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week, she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, He was born in a manger. Bobby said, He threw the money changers out of the temple. Little Johnny said, He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it. Curious, the teacher asked, And where did you learn that, Johnny? From my Daddy, said Little Johnny. Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?
Most people assume WWJD is for What would Jesus do? But the initials really stand for What would Jesus drive? One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury. But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm. Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast. Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, For I did not speak of my own Accord. Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land. And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: The Apostles were in one Accord.
The bible in 50 words: God made Adam bit Noah arked Abraham split Joseph ruled Jacob fooled Bush talked Moses balked Pharaoh plagued People walked Sea divided Tablets guided Promise landed Saul freaked David peeked Prophets warned Jesus born God walked Love talked Anger crucified Hope died Love rose Spirit flamed Word spread God remained.
After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas. Sammy replied, Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing, What A Friend We Have In Jesus.
Jesus and Moses are hanging out one afternoon by a lake, reminiscing about the good ol' testament days. Moses walks over to the water's edge, gestures with his arms and shouts, Part! as the water rolls back in on itself, creating a path across the lake. Moses turns to Jesus and says, Hey, I still got it! He walks back toward Jesus, with the waters settling back into place behind him. Not to be outdone, Jesus proceeds to the water's edge and starts stepping out across the water, but almost immediately sinks. Perplexed, he returns to dry ground. Moses suggests he try it again; after all, why should the son of God lose his ability to walk on water. Jesus tries several more times, each ending in wet, angry failure. Finally he returns to Moses and flops down on the ground next to him. After several moments of silently watching Jesus fuming and muttering to himself, Moses works up the courage and asks, Wait a second -- did you ALWAYS have those holes in your feet?
A student at the University of Texas said they had Liz Carpenter, LBJ's press secretary, as a guest lecturer for her media writing class. One of the students asked her if there was someone the 82 year old Carpenter wanted to meet but hadn't yet. She replied, Jesus, paused for a moment and then said, But I'm not in any hurry.
I remember when I was standing in the playground at St. Mary's Grade School, and yelled at my friend, Jesus Christ, God Almighty! I turned to see Sister Mary Corriene standing behind me. In a shocked tone of voice she said, What did I just hear you say? Thinking quickly I replied, Sister, Dropped my cheese and crackers and they got all muddy.
Julie and kids had just returned from church. My 5 and 7 year old kids were showing me the faces they'd drawn in Sunday school. Now, museum quality they're not, but these were particularly unbalanced. I asked them why. My 7-year-old explained, we were supposed to close our eyes and pretend we were blonde.' I can only assume he meant blind.
Q.
What's the difference between a church and a movie theater?
A. In a church they say: Pray in the name of Jesus! In a movie theater they say: Shut up, for Christ's sake!
Years ago in Ireland there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday, he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience. Father, said the pope, I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again. But your grace, I I, the priest stammered. No buts, said the pope. Swear it here and now or I'm going to excommunicate you! Aye, Holy Father, sighed the father. All right. I swear it. The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter. And the father was back at his pulpit in Ireland giving his annual Easter sermon. He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, And one of you shall betray Me. The father continues, Saint Andrew jumps up and says, Is it I Lord? and the Lord says, Nay, Andy darlin, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper. Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, Is it I Lord? And the
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com Lord says, Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper. Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, Blimey, Mate. Ya think it's me?
A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the Church. Where, Reverend? she enthusiastically replied. Right here on the floor, he panted. It'd be too cold, she whispered. How about standing up? Good Lord girl. Have you taken leave of you senses? he shouted. If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing.
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. Look what I spelled, Mom! with a proud smile on his face. That's wonderful! his mom praised him. Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight. The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: Mom? How do you spell zilla?
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it? I think so, the man replied. My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests. I don't mean that, the priest responded. I mean, are you prepared spiritually? Oh, sure, came the reply. I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, Why do you dress funny? He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, Do you have an owie? The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, Do you know what those words say? Yes, I do, said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. Mommy, she said, can we leave now? No, her mother replied. Well, I think I have to throw up! Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.
After about 60 seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. Did you throw up? Mom asked. Yes. How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly? I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, For the Sick.
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. Nothing much Pastor, replied the one lad. Were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life. Boys! Boys! Boys! he intoned. I'm shocked. Why, when was your age, I never thought about sex at all. They all replied, pretty much in unison, You win, Pastor!
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday. One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, Mom, can we go home now? No honey, not yet, replied the mother, the Mass is only half over. Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com An Army chaplain, walking through a notorious section of town, saw a soldier exiting a known house of prostitution. The soldier paused on the sidewalk and gestured with his right hand in a manner familiar to the good Catholic chaplain. The chaplain promptly approached the errant soldier, saying, I'm sorry to see a good Catholic lad like you, coming out of a place like that. Well, padre, I'm not Catholic, answered the GI. But I clearly saw you cross yourself as you came out of there. No - but when I come out of a place like that, I always check four things: My spectacles, my testicles, my watch and my wallet.
A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's. He went on driving and praying. By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching San Francisco. He realized he was terribly horny again. So, again, he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy. Again there was a severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession. It was an old Irish priest who said, For penance say three Hail Mary's. The man said, What?? In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing! Father replied quietly, Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?
One night after his evening service, a priest decided to take a walk. A wrong turn led him into the red light district. On the first corner, he saw a hooker dressed in a halter and hot
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com pants leaning against a lamppost. Seeing the fallen woman, the priest went up and said, My dear, I have spent my nights praying for you. No need to do that, Father, the hooker said. I'm here every night. You can have me any time you want.
The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, Pastor, I will contribute $1,000. Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000. Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, Pastor, I will double my last pledge. He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell, hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, Pastor, I will give $20,000! This prompted a deacon to shout, Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, Do you want to go to heaven? The man said, I do, Father. The priest said, Then leave this pub right now! and approached a second man. Do you want to go to heaven? Certainly, Father, was the man's reply. Then leave this den of Satan, said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole. Do you want to go to heaven? No, I don't, Father, O'Toole replied. The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven? O'Toole smiled, Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says, Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David. And he walks off. The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says, Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?
My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with a neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host in this case, a piece of bread - he says, God be with you.
Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, God will get you.
One day, there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. Well, the first priest said, have you ever heard of a Freudian slip? No, said the other. Well, said the first, it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time. Oh, said the third, so, what happened? Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say I now pronounce you man and wife? asked the first. Yes? said the second. Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, I now sentence you to death.
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be? The first priest says, I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains. So be it, says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, Will any of this week count, St. Peter? No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. In that case, says the second priest, I've always wanted to be a stud. So be it, says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. Will you have any trouble locating them? He asks. The first one should be easy, says St. Peter. He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult. Why?" asketh the Lord. He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed, and a headline that reads, For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.
The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him! The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still, the man said nothing. The priest asked, Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil? The dying man said, Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody.
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. What was your sin, my son? asked the priest. I stole some lumber, Father, replied the man. How much lumber did you steal? asked the priest. Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse. The priest replied, Well, that's not so bad. The man continued, Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage. Well, now, that's a little more serious. Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house! With a pause, the priest finally spoke. That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena. Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident? The priests say, Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us. The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them, in no uncertain terms, that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead? The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents. Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin, the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents. Saints preserve us! the priest said, making another chalk mark. There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in a sensitive area. Oh, goodness me! the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things? Southern Methodist. Ah, well, said the priest, wiping his sleeve, boys will be boys.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. Here's a copy of the service, he said impatiently. But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances. During the service, the minister paused and said, Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up. At that moment, the substitute organist played The Star-Spangled Banner. And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.
My home church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked the hatcheck girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while, he started making passes, when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. It's OK, he replied, it's written in the Bible. So after a wild night of sex, the hatcheck girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil: The hat checks girl puts out!
Some people will bet on anything - as long as they're convinced it's a Sure Thing. One afternoon at the racetrack, an inveterate bettor of this sort, who was known to his buddies as Sure Thing Sherm, noticed a Catholic priest entering the stable area with one of the owners. Shadowing them, our Sherman watched as the clergyman blessed a beautiful thoroughbred. When the horse next raced, it came in first! Paying close attention, Sherm began to realize that this happened quite often. After checking out this phenomenon very carefully for a few days, Sure Thing began betting only on horses that had been blessed; and he did very well. Finally, he decided he could risk his life's savings. He drew out everything he had, monitored the priest's comings and goings like a scholar, and put his entire wad on a long shot to win. You guessed it: That particular horse not only did not win, he came in last - dead last. Horrified and heart-broken, Sherman sought out the priest and begged him to tell him what had gone wrong.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com The padre sighed, and then explained, Ah, what a pity. That's the trouble, you see, with not being able to tell the difference between a Blessing and the Last Rites.
Luigi: Father, I think I have commit a big sin. Priest: Why, Luigi? Luigi: I think I married my sister. Priest: No, no Luigi. I've known you and your wife all your lives, and there is no relation. What makes you think you've married your sister? Luigi: Last night -- we undress for bed -- she look at me -- she say --- Oh, brother!
At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, Get in the confessional, which Joe did. Then the priest asked him, Did you take any of the offering, and this time he said, I can't hear you. Again, the priest asked, Joe did you take any of the offering? Again, Joe answered, I can't hear you. This time the priest yelled, JOE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING? Again, Joe answered, I can't hear you. By this time, the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, Joe, trade places with me and you can ask me a question.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com So they traded places and Joe asked, I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true? To which the priest answered, By Golly, you can't hear in here.
At an interfaith retreat some time ago, the organizers decided to allow for a free afternoon of just socializing. A priest, minister, and a rabbi went fishing together. After awhile, the priest said, Brother, Rabbi, would you please both excuse me, I've got to pee. He laid down his fishing pole, stepped over the side of the boat, and *walked across the water* to the shore. He finished his business, then *walked back across the water* to the boat. The minister said, Father, I didn't want to be the first to have to go, stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked right on top of the water to the shore. He also finished his business, zipped up, and walked back on the water right back to the boat. The rabbi was awestruck. Imagine -- WALKING on water! He thought to himself, Well, if they can do this, so can I! He excused himself to the priest and minister, put his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat . . . and sunk like a rock. The priest turned to the minister and said, You think we should have told him where the rocks were?
At one point in my life, I had considered joining the Baptist Church. For those of you who don't know, the Baptists practice total body immersion to baptize a person. Luckily, I even knew a minister in that faith, having dated his daughter; and I asked him if he would consider performing the service. He paused a minute or two, gave me a long thoughtful look and said, Ray, if you're serious about this, a dipping just won't do it for you. We'll have to find a place to anchor you overnight.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild? He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, Your Majesty, that was impressive. But, did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants. The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me. So the Pope slaps her.
Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and saw the priest. He called to his dad, Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!
The 2000-member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats, entered thru the rear of the church. One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons. The one in the middle announced, EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor. After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit. The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.
Eric said his company sometimes abbreviates the shipping address of their customers in the computer. The Assembly Of God Church wasn't amused when the label on their box displayed, Ass Of God Church.
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.
The high school blonde and bosomy cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car. Now my daughter, consoled the Priest, I'm sure if you think about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong. Yeah, I guess youre right, replied the cheerleader. Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. You're not supposed to talk out loud in church, she hissed at Joel. Why? Who's going to stop me? Joel shot back. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, See those two men standing by the door? Joel nodded. They're hushers.
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation, when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and his 13 children. My, my, said the nun, 13 children: a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you. I'm sorry Sister, he said. I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish. Jewish! she replied. You sex maniac, you.
A Bishop was approached one morning by a Priest. Your Eminence, the Priest said, there's a young lad here who claims to be seeing a vision of our Savior in the chapel. What should I do? The Bishop jumped up saying, Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna look real busy!
A priest was vested in his surplice and cassock, ready to proceed at the beginning of the service. His surplice was very ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot, which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, Darling, I love your dress, but your purse is on fire!
Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. An Irish Catholic named Mulhaney wanted to play golf, and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joined the rabbis and played 18 holes. At the end of the game his score was 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He said to them, How come you all play such good golf? The lead rabbi said, When you live a religious life, join and attend temple services, you are rewarded. Mulhaney loved golf and figured, what do I have to lose. So he found a Jewish temple close to his home, attended twice a week, converted, joined and lived a holy life as a converted Jew. About a year later, he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 108 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, Okay, I joined a temple, I became Jewish, I live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy 108. The lead rabbi said to him, What temple did you join? He said, Beth Shalom Temple. The rabbi retorted, No, No, No! That one's for tennis!!
One Sunday after the church sermon was over and everyone was filing out, we stopped to chat with our friends. My wife said, The pastor's sermon was really bad today. Boring too! remarked one of our gathered friends.
The choir was just awful, they were off key the whole time, I remarked. The rest of the group nodded in agreement as my son butted in and said, Come on, Dad, I thought they were pretty good for just a quarter.
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand. The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, Try saying things like, I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that? The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying No shit! What happened next?
A Catholic, a Jew, an Afro-American and a gay man all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up at them and says, What is this, a joke?
John tells me about the new training at Kentucky Fried Chicken to have the crew recognize the new American gold $1 coin. This one crew member, when asked what denomination the coin was, blurted out, Baptist!
Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied, That's nothin. My dad owns hell. No way, another boy scoffed. How can a man own hell?
Sure he can, the preacher's son said. My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night.
As the father lay on the couch watching cable TV, his son, all dressed for Church, entered the room. Dad? he said. I have a question. What's that, boy? replied the father, never even removing his eyes from the screen. When am I going to be old enough not to go to Church either?
Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing? Little Johnny replied, I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world. The Priest said, But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy! Little Johnny said, Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!
While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class. At the appropriate time, she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students. The first child said, I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug. The second child said, I am Jewish and this is my Star of David. The third child said, I am Catholic and this is my rosary. The final child said, I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish.
The teacher of the third-grade Sunday School class was planning to take her charges on a field trip to the ongoing church service, so they could get an idea of what morning worship looked like. Before they left their classroom, she thought it would be a good idea to caution them against being boisterous in those surroundings. Attempting to engage their attention, she asked, And why do we need to be quiet in church? One bright little scholar replied right away, Because people are sleeping in there.
Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows who had been rivals all their lives followed different career paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, and the other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop. As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport. The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly, Oh SkyCap, from what pier is the flight to Dallas leaving? The Admiral approached, bowed, and said, Pier 7 Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition?
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day, and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. My son, you shouldn't be doing that, said the priest. You should be saving that for when you get married. The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, Yes, Father. About 10 years later, the priest was in his study, when a young man in his early twenties came in. Yes, my son? said the priest.
Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then. And what was that, my son? Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married, said the young man. That sounds like something I probably would have said, said the priest. Did you take my advice? Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem. What's that, my son? Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?
This fellow comes to confession. Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned. The priest asked, What did you do, my son? I lusted, the fellow replied. Tell me about it, the priest said. The fellow then related his story. Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday, I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in. And, what did you do, my son? asked the priest. Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted, replied the man. Your sin has been forgiven, replied the priest. You will get your reward in heaven, my son. A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be? the fellow asked.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com The priest replied, I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass.
I've had it with my wife, said the one drinking buddy to the other. I'm filing for an annulment. Sorry to hear that, pal, said his partner. May I ask why? I found her supply of birth control pills, said the first. Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin. It ain't just that, stormed Frank. I had a vasectomy over five years ago.
Son: Dad, did you go to Church when you were a little boy? Dad: Yes son, every single Sunday. Son: Thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either.
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, For my text today, I will take the words, And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes. A member of the flock snickered at the preacher's snafu, raised his hand and said, That's not much of a trick. I could do that. The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time, he did it properly, And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes. Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, Could you do that, Mr. Perkins? The member of the flock said, I sure could.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com How would you do it? With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!
A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing. The pastor was highly gratified and told him, How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife! Well, Preacher, said the fisherman, it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers.
Pat was at a Catholic church and was impressed with the lady who was signing for the hearing impaired. When the choir started to sing, that lady sat down and *another* lady stood up to sign the words of the song. Pat turned to his wife and said, That other lady must not be able to carry a tune . . .
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, Convert to Catholicism and get $10. One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, Murray, what's going on? Abe, replies Murray, I'm thinking of doing it. Abe says, What are you, crazy? Murray thinks for a minute and says, Abe, I'm going to do it. With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. So, asks Abe, did you get your ten dollars?
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com Murray looks up at him and says, Is that all you people think of?
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral, Joe began. You mean the parking lot, interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. I walked up the trail to the door, Joe continued. The sidewalk to the door, Charlie corrected him. Inside the door, I was met by this dude, Joe went on. That would be the usher, Charlie explained. Well, the usher led me down the chute, Joe said. You mean the aisle, Charlie said. Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there, Joe continued. Pew, Charlie retorted. Yeah, recalled Joe. That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.
To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special No Excuse Sunday. 1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, Sunday is my only day to sleep in. 2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, The roof will cave in if I ever came to church. 3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com 4. There will be hearing aids for those who say, The pastor speaks too softly, and cotton for those who say, He preaches too loudly. 5. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. 6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday. 7. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too. 8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.
One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain. The people did as they were told, and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious. We can't worship today. You do not yet believe, he said. But, they protested, we prayed, and we do believe. Believe? he responded. Then where are your umbrellas?
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York; where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit, and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church she had always attended as a child. In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her, and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com She stepped out of the confessional and, within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin out this night, and me without me bloomers on!
From a church bulletin: A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
A reader wrote to talk about her trip to the dentist. She had her youngest daughter, 2year-old Paige, sitting in the waiting room with her while Paige's older sister was in with the dentist. Paige was keeping herself busy playing with the toys in the waiting room until she noticed her mom was resting -- her eyes closed. With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched right up to her mother, looked her straight in the face, and shook her shoulder. Mommy! Wake up! This is not CHURCH!
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their freedom. As they were crossing an open area, along came a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize.
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. After several weeks the priest was overcome with curiosity and approached her. I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate. Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church. That's wonderful, how much does he send you? Oh, about $2,000 a week. Your son must be very successful, what does he do for a living? He's a veterinarian, she answered. That is an honorable profession. Where does he practice? Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas.
One day, Todd goes to the church and takes a seat in the confessional. Father, he says, this week I have sinned. I had sex forty-three times. My son," the priest says, "this is a bad thing. Who did this happen with? My wife, Todd answers. But that is not a sin, the priest says, "That is common behavior in a marriage. I know," Todd says with a smile, "I was just anxious to tell someone.
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Son, you've just witnessed a miracle, the priest said. Tell me, where is this man now? Flat on his ass over by the holy water, said the boy.
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, Where did you get all that money? At Sunday school, the boy replied nonchalantly. They have bowls of it.
The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession, and was considering the man's penitence. Are you sure you're going to try to set aside all sin? Yes Father, I certainly am going to try, replied the man. I hereby resolve to double my efforts. And you're going to attend Mass regularly, my son? the Priest went on. Yes Father, I realize I have strayed, said the man. I shall both worship and confess every week. And how about your debts and those you have cheated? inquired the Priest. Now just a minute, Father, said the man. Now you're talking business and not religion.
The good bishop knew very well that not only did everyone in his small town look to him for an example, but that all too often, all eyes were on him as potential fodder for the local gossip mill as well.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com This could be wearing, but usually he was able to provide a good example and escape the tattlers. One night, however, after a long, hard day, a social obligation beckoned on top of his church responsibilities and he came to a sudden stopping place. His hostess, noting that he looked tired, asked with concern, A spot of tea, Bishop? No, thank you, he managed. No tea. Ah, she said. Coffee, then? No coffee either, thank you. In the spirit of triage, she leaned closer and murmured, I could bring you a scotch and soda in an opaque mug? My dear, this is my last word: NO soda.
Reader Daniel sends this along: Drive Thru Confessional and Wedding Chapel: (disembodied voice from a speaker in the middle of a huge plastic Jesus): Thank you for choosing the McChurch of Perpetual Laziness. May I take your order? Uhhh, yeah, I'd like two Big MacFessions, one Get Out Of Hell Scratch Off Card, ummm, a small order of Holy Water, and, ummm, we were gonna get a hotel room later, so Id better get one of those McQuickie Weddings. Ok, my son, that's two Big MacFessions, a Get Out Of Hell Scratch Off Card, a small Holy Water, and a McQuickie Wedding -- did you want to Super Size that? You get an additional scratch off card and a large Holy Water along with your choice of either a free baptism or mirror air freshener in the image of the Baby Jesus Under Our Golden Arches. Cool, yeah, ok, super size it and give me the air freshener thing. Do I get absolution with that or do I still have to do the rosary stuff? Absolution isn't guaranteed unless you prepay. The rosary stuff is between you and the cashier. Your total is $19.95, my son. Please pull to the first window. (The car pulls forward. A wooden panel in the wall opens.)
Yes, my son? Ummm, yes, bless me, McFather, it has been about 45 minutes since my last confession umm, hey, can I get fries with this?
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: Glory be unto the Father and unto the Son . . . and into the hole he GOES!
When I was an Army chaplain's assistant, I typed letters for a colonel who was a Catholic priest. Following his last name, the initials O.S.B. were typed to indicate he was a member of the Order of St. Benedict. One afternoon, I was in a hurry and didn't proofread the letter I put on his desk. He walked into my office and tossed the letter back on my desk, Are you trying to tell me something? I glanced at the letter and turned beet red as I saw that I'd typed S.O.B.
Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting and said, Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn. To which the gentleman replied, You're not the only one!
On the way home after church a couple of weekends ago, April said to me, I noticed you dropped an extra $20 into the collection plate. Exactly WHAT have you done now?
My girlfriend says that I'm going to hell because I don't go to church; but that's okay, because from what I've been able to figure out, they don't have church there either.
Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight? inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. Why, No, Father, answered the nun demurely, It's just a little gas. A few months later, Father Dan put the same question to the nun, noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. Oh, just a bit of gas, said Sister Ann, blushing a bit. On his next visit, Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, Cute little fart!
The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked, we get the front of the church filled first. The young priest nodded and the older priest continues, And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring more young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock and roll gospel choir. So, asked the young priest, what's the problem?
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com Well, said the elder priest, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive through confessional and flashing the neon sign that reads: Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell!
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, Take only one, God is watching. Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, Take all you want, God is watching the apples!
Three construction contractors died and went to heaven - a Black, a Jew, and an Italian. When they got there, St. Peter welcomed them warmly and asked if they could do him a favor before they entered heaven. It seems that the Pearly gates were in need of some repair, and he wanted some estimates. The Black contractor looked the job over carefully and estimated the job at $600. When asked how he came up with that figure, he said, $200 materials, $200 labor, and $200 profit. St. Peter then asked the Jewish contractor for an estimate. After careful inspection the Jew answered, $3000 - $1000 materials, $1000 labor, and $1000 profit. When St. Peter asked the Italian for an estimate, he answered immediately without looking over the job at all - $2600. Asked how he came up with that figure he answered, Simple, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, and $600 to get the low bidder over there to do the work.
President Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president (1923 to 1929) was a man of very few words. One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Grace, stayed home. When he returned, she asked, Was the sermon good? Yup, was Coolidge's brief reply.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com What was it about? Grace asked. Sin. And what did the minister say? He's against it.
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up. That's okay with us, but what made you decide that? Well, said the little boy, I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.
The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave! The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said, Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me. Yeah, she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, That's what they said the last time too . . .
Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair? I didn't even see her, admitted Mr. Peterson.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing, continued Mrs. Peterson, Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper costume for a mother of two. I'm afraid I didn't notice that either, said Mr. Peterson. Oh, for heaven's sake, snapped Mrs. Peterson. A lot of good it does you to go to church.
Calm down, Ma'am, said the school counselor to the shattered mom. It's perfectly normal. Many boys Little Johnny's age masturbate. I know, sobbed his red-eyed mother, wiping the tears with her handkerchief, but not in church.
The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil. As an example, he stated during his sermon, If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink? A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water. The priest, elated, said, Very good, my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water? The Irishman at the back of the church replied, Sure I can tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Henry Ford went to heaven upon his death, and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the inventors before him. So St. Peter printed out the list of all the inventors currently doing time in heaven. As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the name Adam. He queried if it was the same guy who discovered Eve, the woman. St. Peter confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the discovery of women. Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him. When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention. Your invention is the most stupid work of engineering I ever saw. There is too much of front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust. Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial computer. He works with the enormous data banks and in a few minutes there are beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs. Look here, Mr. Ford. Despite all the flaws you pointed out, data shows that there are more men riding my product than yours.
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome? No Dopey, responds the Pontiff, there are not. Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy? Dopey questions. No Dopey, chuckles the Pope, there are no dwarf nuns in Italy. Mr. Pope, Dopey asks pleadingly, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world? No Dopey, the Pope says sadly, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world. And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin.
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com Joke A Day Joke A Day has been sending out jokes daily via email since 1996. We currently have over 400,000 readers in 152 countries. Nope, we don't know how we do it, either. If you're not an asshole, drop by and see us at www.jokeaday.com. You can get a free subscription to Joke A Day by sending a blank email to join@jokeaday.com. Return the confirmation letter and you'll be set to float like a Butterball and sting when you pee. If you are an asshole, write us a pissy little letter and we'll make fun of you six ways to Sunday, insult your parentage, call your sexuality into question, and say nasty things about you, thus living up to our motto: "Making Fun of Morons Since 1863." (Whether you're an asshole or not, you'll have to visit the site to figure out that whole "if you got started in 1996, how've you been making fun of morons since 1863?" thing.) If you enjoyed this e-book, check out our entire collection of joke books on Amazon.com or anywhere else e-books can be found. If you didn't enjoy this book, well, check the rest of our entire collection of joke books on Amazon.com or anywhere else e-books can be found. Keep buying the damned things until you find one you like. If you buy them all and you didn't like a single one, man, will we ever use you as fodder for that whole "Making Fun of Morons" thing. We'll have your cash and frankly, that's what we're really interested in. In addition to these little e-book things, we even took the time to put a collection jokes, letters, and a bunch other stuff in books that are on paper. Yeah, paper. You might have heard something about it. "If You Beat Your Fish It Will Die," and "This Taste Funny to You?"
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com Thank You A big round of applause to the proofreaders who helped make sure I didn't look any more stupid than I had to: Dreamy Drea, Jimmy the Mudcat, Daph the Memory Maker, and MaryEllen -- BadAss Mentor and Co-Defendant. A whopping big-ass, making their panties wet kiss (from the person of their choice) to Teddy Bear Renne and Marla the Super Proofer for their above and beyond efforts in dotting the "i"'s, crossing the "t"'s, and making sure I didn't leave anything
And a huge "Thanks a Zillion" to these wonderful people who believed enough in this little e-book project that they donated buckets of cash that I spent at Kentucky Fried Chicken and Mabel's Whore House. ("Mabel's: Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear -Where the Customer Comes First!") Perry (you stud you!), MaryEllen (you sexpot you!), Michael (you studly fireman you!), Dennis, (you Bandito you!), Teresa (you Gem you!), Peacebug (you Harmonizer you!), and bringing it up with her damned cute rear, Sandi!
Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com Joke A Day, Inc. Published by Joke A Day, Inc., a rinky-dink outfit started in 1996 with the dumbass idea that no one had ever sent a joke via email before. Jeez. Should have gone into porn. If you received this book without a cover, well, dammit, you were supposed to. It's an "e-book," for crying out loud. If you received this "e-book" through some guy named "Raoul," then I'm sure I didn't get paid for it. Shame on you. I've got kids to feed and one big-ass alimony payment to make. Copyright 2002 by Joke A Day, Inc. -- Ray Owens All rights reserved. All pigs fed and ready to fly. Published in the United States of America, somewhere in Ohio, on the 2nd floor bedroom / office of a very heavily mortgaged house. Which is another reason if you got this book from Raoul you should be horsewhipped. If you paid for this book, visit us on the web at http://www.jokeaday.com/ If you stole this book, visit us on the web at http://www.eatshitanddieyoucheapbastard.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Owens, Ray Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) / Ray Owens ISBN 0-9659152-3-9 First Edition: November 2002

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Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.

Church Jokes (Volume 2) Ray Owens www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

What's the difference between a church and a movie theater?

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 2) -- www.jokeaday.com

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