Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.

com

Church Jokes (Volume 3) Ray Owens www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, Before entering you must answer this simple question. Which is? they replied in unison. Have you been a good girl? he asked the first girl. Oh yes, she said. I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married. Very good, said St. Peter. Angel, give this girl... the golden key. Have you been a good girl? he asked the second girl. Oh, quite good, she said. I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married. Very good, said St. Peter. Angel, give this girl... the silver key. Have you been a good girl? he asked the third girl. Oh no, not at all, she said. I practically have sex with every guy I met, before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime. Very good, said St. Peter. Angel, give this girl.........my room key.

Saint Peter was logging in new arrivals at the gates of Heaven when he saw a black guy from a small town in Mississippi standing in front of him. What do you think youre doing here? Saint Peter demanded. You mean black folk arent allowed in? the man asked. Only very special blacks. What makes you think you qualify? The man puffed himself up. Im the very first black man from my town to marry a white woman. When did you do that? Saint Peter asked. The black guy looked at his watch. About five minutes ago.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com

One evening, little Johnny was with his mother in the bath. He pointed at his mothers breasts, and asked what they were. She told him that they were balloons, and when someone tries to blow them up, theyd go in the air, straight to heaven. About two days later, Johnny ran into the kitchen and screams, Mother, mother, come and look! Sister is dying!!! Why? asked his mother. Because her boyfriend is on top of her, blowing her balloons, and shes screaming, Oh God, Im coming.

Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first man, WHAT IS EASTER? The man replies, Oh, thats easy, its the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful... WRONG, replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, WHAT IS EASTER? The second man replies, No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus. St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third man and asks, WHAT IS EASTER? The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye. I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave, which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, Wait, Ive done some charity in my life, also. St. Peter looks in his book and says, Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct? The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, Yes. St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.

Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter, who says to Hugh, You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God; you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth. Hugh decides that this will be easy for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans over towards Hugh and yells Tits!! and a trap door opens and Hugh falls down into Hell. St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says, You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks. You have only one chance to get into the

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com kingdom of God; you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth. They begin their long trek down the tunnel. About half way down, St. Peter leans over towards Heather and a trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell.

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted by St. Peter, who says, Heaven is so full that we have to give you an entrance exam to come in. Forrest replies, I shore hope it isnt too hard. Im not very good at tests. St. Peter says: First question, how many days in the week begin with T and what are they? Forrest answers: Well two, today and tomorrow. That isnt quite what I had in mind but, Ill give it to you. St. Peter said. Ok, the next question: how many seconds are there in a year? Forrest thought for a minute and said, Well, I reckon there are twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd . . . St. Peter put up his hand. Well, not the answer I was looking for, but it is correct so Ill have to give that one to you also. Ok, final question: What is Gods first name? Well, thats easy. Its Howard. Howard? How in Heaven did you come up with Howard? You know, Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name.

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. Im not aware of your problem, the doctor said. So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning. Of course. replied the patient. In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth...

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. Its free, Peter replied, this is Heaven. Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, What are the green fees? Peters reply, This is Heaven, you play for free. Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. How much to eat? asked the old man. Dont you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free! Peter replied with some exasperation. Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, Thats the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven. With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, This is all your fault. If it werent for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!

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Chris was a very avid golfer who had played at each and every course in the country. One day while teeing off, he collapsed from a heart attack and found himself standing in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said that though he wasnt a bad person, he also did his share of un-heavenly things, and so he was being given a choice of where to go. So Chris took the tour of all of Heavens mansions and flowing wine, etc., etc. Then he was taken down to Hell where the devil himself took some time out to show him around. While on tour, Chris saw the best course hed ever seen. Small streams, beautiful sand traps, rolling greens. Unlimited access to the course, his own cart, finest golf clubs, and golden tees. Chris was astounded and informed St. Peter that he would making his eternal home Hell. Chris immediately sets off for the first tee, looks around for a ball to begin his first nine holes. When he couldnt find one, he turned to Satan and asked, Where are the golf balls? The devil replied, *Thats* the hell of it.

Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heavens gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter. Jimmy: How did you get here? Johnny: Hypothermia. You? Jimmy: You wont believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack. Johnny: Oh man, if you had checked the walk-in freezer wed both be alive!

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand. Mommy, what happened to him? the little boy asked. He died and went to heaven, she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, And God threw him back down?

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked, You dont really believe all that stuff in there do you? The lady replied, Of course I do. It is the Bible. He said, Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible. He asked, Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale? The lady said, Well I dont really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him. What if he isnt in heaven? the man asked sarcastically. Then you can ask him, replied the lady.

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preachers entry in the

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, Okay, well let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff. The preacher is astonished and replies, But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely, I rate higher than a cabby. St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.

St. Peter meets three Italian nuns at the Pearly Gates. He says, Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that Im granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want. The first nun says, I want-a to be Sophia Loren, and <poof!> shes gone. The second says, I want-a to be Madonna, and <poof!> shes gone. The third says, I want-a to be Sara Pipalini. St. Peter looks perplexed. Who? he says. Sara Pipalini, replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, Im sorry but that name just doesnt ring a bell. The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, No Sister, this says Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates. Show me what you got, Pete, said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings. Weve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch, said Tex. St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com Weve got that, too. We call it Six Flags. Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous. We dont have that, said Tex, but weve got a guy in Houston who can put it out.

A curious fellow died one day and was waiting in a long, long line for judgment. He noticed that some people, after they went through the line, were able to go through heavens gates. Others were lining up behind Satan who was throwing most of them into the eternal fires of hell. Every once in while, though, instead of tossing a poor soul into the fire, he would toss him/her to one side. After watching for hours, the fellow could not resist. He gave up his place in line and went over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. Excuse me, sir, he said. Im supposed to be in line for judgment (didnt want Satan to mistake him for someone who had already been condemned to hell) but I couldnt help but wonder why some of these people are being tossed aside instead of into the fires of hell? Oh, Satan said with a snicker. Those are Oregonians. Theyre too wet to burn.

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven.

It was time for Father Johns Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father Johns nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

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The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. Oh, sister, said the young nun dreamily. Ive been saved. Saved? And how did that fine thing come about? asked the old nun. Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven. Did he now? said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock. Is that a fact? said the old nun even more evenly. At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved. That wicked old Devil! said the old nun. He told me it was Gabriels Horn, and Ive been blowing it for 40 years!

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, I want the men to make two lines. One line will be for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other one for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter. Said and done, the next time God looks, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped by their women was 100 miles long. In the line of men that dominated their women there was only one man. God got mad and said, You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one in that line?? The man said, I dont know, my wife told me to stand here!

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, Oh God, Im fucked. There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out, No, you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you. So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again, Okay. NOW youre fucked.

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, You were a good woman. Im giving you a nice halo. Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di and notices that the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo? St. Peter says, Thats not a halo. Thats a steering wheel.

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com The second guy says, I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow. The last guy replies, I would like to hear them say LOOK, HES MOVING!!

Waiting in line outside of St. Peters gate one day were three men and their daughters who all died in a huge car accident. There was a Jew, and Irishman and a Greek. The Jew was first in line, and as he came up to the desk, St. Peter shook his hand effusively and welcomed him to Heaven. Ah, Isaac! I am so glad to see you here. You have been a good man in your life, you have abstained from liquor and been kind to people. You may go on in. Oh, by the way, what is the name of your lovely daughter? The Jew proudly replied, Penny. St. Peter exploded. All you Jews are the same. All you do is think about money. You even name your kids after it! Go to hell. And the Jew and his daughter began to walk dejectedly to hell. Next in line was the Irishman, who was also greeted with a friendly handshake. Patrick, my friend, you have been a good, kind man in your lifegiving freely to the poor, I would like to welcome you to Heaven. By the way, what is your daughters name? Brandy, the Irishman replied. Once again, St. Peter exploded. All you Irishmen are the same! All you think about is liquor! You even name your kids after it! Go to Hell. As the Irishman and his daughter started on the path to Hell, the Greek turned to his daughter and said, Fanny, I think were in trouble now!

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the womans shoulders to fasten the wings.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo. I do not want to go to heaven, she tells St. Peter. Ill go to the other place. You dont want to go there, he replies. They rape and sodomize you down there. I dont care, she answers. At least I already have some holes for that!

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they must present something Christmassy. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas? He answered, Theyre Carols.

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dogs wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said, I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong! Saint Peter replied, Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com The little dog explained what had happened back on earth. St. Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St. Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you? said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasnt allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied, I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesnt allow me to retail spirits after hours!

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the seashore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. When we came, she snapped indignantly, he had a hat!

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. Hungry, Seymour? the Lord asked. I could eat, said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, I could eat. Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just dont understand. To be honest, Seymour, the Lord said, for just two people, does it pay to cook?

J.F.K., Jr. meets J.F.K. in Heaven, and J.F.K. says to his son, You needed an airplane crash like I needed a hole in the head.

A spiritualist whod recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that shed just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes. The only thing is, she mused, that I dont know where to send them. Why not? asked her friend. Well, he didnt actually say that he was in Heaven, but I cant imagine hed be in Hell. Hmm, responded the friend. Well, maybe I shouldnt bring this up, but, he didnt mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com An angel hears his plea and appears to him. Sorry, but you cant take your wealth with you. The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, Hold on, you cant bring that in here! But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, Youre right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but Im supposed to check its contents before letting it through. St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, You brought pavement?!

Little Johnnys new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, Whered we get him? His mother replied, He came from heaven, Johnny. Johnny says, WOW! I can see why they threw him out!

St. Peter is standing at heavens gate when a man walks up. Welcome to heaven, my son. What did you do with your life? I was a policeman, he responded. What kind of policeman? St. Peter asked. I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids. Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com A few moments later, a second man walks up. Welcome to heaven, my son. What did you do with your life? I was a policeman, he responded. What kind of policeman? St. Peter asked. I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers. Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise. A few moments later a third man walks up. Welcome to heaven, my son. What did you do with your life? I was a policeman, he responded. What kind of policeman? St. Peter asked. I was a Security Guard at K-Mart. Excellent my son, Ive gotta take a piss, watch the gate will ya?

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell youweve looked at your life, and you really didnt do anything particularly good or bad. Were not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision? The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me! Im impressed, St. Peter responded. When did this happen? About two minutes ago, came the reply.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year. The angel says, Okay, you may enter. He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, I earned $150,000 as an attorney. The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, What have you done with your life? The man replies, I earned $8,000 last year . . . Oh, the angel interrupts. What did you teach?

Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror, he saw a train coming. Panicked, he started to pray, God, please get my foot out of these tracks and Ill stop being bad! Nothing happened; his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, God, please get my foot out and Ill stop swearing AND being bad! Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the trains horn blared. He tried his plea one more time, God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, Ill quit being bad, Ill stop swearing, AND Ill stop trying to look up little Marys dress.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records, Saint Peter decided to let him in. Follow me, he said, opening the gate and walking in. After they walk a while, Saint Peters keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldnt resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Peter was furious. If you do that again, youll go straight to hell! Follow me, were almost there. After some more time, Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance. Again they walk and for the third time, Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self-control, jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell. A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off. Why is it so god damn cold down here? Peter asks. Well, you just try bending down for firewood!! the devil replied.

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are? Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. You really ARE Einstein! he says. Welcome to heaven! The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk? Saint Peter says, Go ahead. Picasso erases Einsteins equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! he says. Come on in! Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours? George W. looks bewildered and says, Who are Einstein and Picasso? Saint Peter sighs and says, Come on in, George.

IN THE BEGINNING In the Beginning, God created heaven and the earth. Quickly, he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, Let there be light, and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com light Day and the darkness Night. Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed. The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life, and the fowl that may fly over the earth. Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before. At this point, God created Hell.

I was sitting outside one cloudy day, reminiscing on all the bad luck I was having. Everything was going wrong. Feeling bad, I looked up to the heavens with outstretched arms and said, Why me, Lord? Why me? All of a sudden there was a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning, and as the clouds parted, a booming voice came down from the sky, and said, Because theres something about you that just ticks me off!

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldnt believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cows mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, Its a miracle! Not really, said the cow. Your name is written inside the cover.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap. Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits the ball onto the green. Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap, where the ball curiously floats. So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and hits his ball out onto the green. Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water also. As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish jumps up and swallows it and is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fishs mouth and rolls into the cup. Jesus turns around and says, Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit messing around and play golf?

A local hardware company called Tompkins has a new line of nails that they wish to sell. They hire a big shot advertising agency and one of the salesmen begins work on the advertising campaign to sell these new Tompkins nails. After a month, the salesman calls a meeting with the board of directors from Tompkins, so he can show them what he has come up with. The salesman pulls away the covers revealing a poster of Jesus Christ nailed to a cross, and across the bottom in big letters it states, We used Tompkins Nails. Well as you can imagine, not many of the directors were particularly impressed with this, and they thought that they had too many religious builders in the local trade that would be rather upset by this poster. They told the salesman he had another month to come up with something better. A month later the salesman returns and reveals his new poster -- this one showing Jesus running away from the cross. The slogan now says, We SHOULD have used Tompkins nails!

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, Does anyone know Jesus Mothers name?

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com Susie raised her hand and said, It was Mary. The teacher said, Very good Susie. Do you know Jesus Fathers name? Little Johnny said, Yes, it was Virg. The teacher asked how he came up with his answer. He said, You know, Virg n Mary.

Jesus was having dinner with his disciples one time and as they gathered reverentially about him, more or less in the attitudes since immortalized by Leonardo da Vinci, he looked about at them. There, in one direction, he saw Judas Iscariot, who he well knew, would betray him to the authorities before three hours had passed. On the other side was Peter, the prince of the disciples, who, he well knew, would deny him thrice ere the cock crowed. And almost immediately opposite him was Thomas, who, on a crucial occasion, would express doubts. There seemed only one thing to do. Jesus called over the headwaiter. Max, he said, separate checks.

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy, so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesnt have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, Whos Jesus Christ? and the bum replies, Well, I am. The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, Jesus Christ, are you in here again?

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It was the Last Supper. Jesus is sitting with his disciples at the table. Jesus stands up, lifts the bread up and says, Take This All Of you, And Eat It, For This Is My Body. He puts the bread down and lifts the wine up and says, Take This All Of You, And Drink It, For This Is My Blood. Just then Peter jumps up and yells, Oh sit down Jesus, youre drunk.

A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough. She kept up a nonstop conversation while the nurse was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, the nurse said, Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there. The child looked at her and calmly stated, I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear.

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, Sorry, no room. The hotel is full. The Jewish lady said, But your sign says that you have vacancies. The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town... Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, Ill have you know I converted to your religion. The desk clerk said, Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born? Mrs. Rosenberg replied, He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem. Very good, replied the hotel clerk. Tell me more. Mrs. Rosenberg replied, He was born in a manger.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com Thats right, said the hotel clerk. And why was he born in a manger? Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldnt give a Jewish lady a room for the night!

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, Who was the greatest man that ever lived? A girl raises her hand and says, I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country. The teacher replies, Well...thats a good answer, but thats not the answer I am looking for. Another young student raises his hand and says, I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war. Well, thats another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for. Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived. The teachers mouth drops open in astonishment. Yes! she says, Thats the answer I was looking for. She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, Why did you say, Jesus Christ? The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, I know its Moses, and YOU know its Moses, but business is business.

The Devil and Jesus decide that they are going to have a computer-programming contest. God counts down .... 3, 2, 1, Go! and they begin typing and programming furiously. After a while, a tremendous lightning flash and thunder erupt and the power goes off and the contest is stopped. After power is restored, God asks to see what the Devil has programmed and the Devil responds, Come on God, the power went out; we lost everything.

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God walks over to Jesus computer and asks to see what he has done and Jesus hits a key and glorious graphics scroll across the screen and a multimedia routine kicks in and the Devil just looks on dumbfounded. He asks how could that be, the power went off. God replied, Come on Devil, everyone knows that Jesus saves!

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car, which said: TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00. A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them theyd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: JESUS SAVES. One of the girls asked the cop: How come you dont stop them?! Well, thats a little different, the cop smiled. Their sign pertains to religion. So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which read: TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00.

I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read, I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they might have some problems so wanted them to work on it there. I heard a little girl say very softly, Jesus Christ! I leaned over and said quietly, We dont say that in school. She looked at me, her eyes got very big and she said, Not even when things are all fucked up?!

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The preacher said that, for a change, he would call out a word and anyone who could think of a hymn that involved that word, just start singing and we will all join in. He called out WOOD...and in just a second 10 people started singing, The Old Rugged Cross. He called out LOVE, and a little 6-year-old started singing, Jesus Loves Me. He then called out SEX. Not a sound. Again, he called out SEX. A little old lady in the back row suddenly stood up and started singing, Precious Memories.

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds. A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering, he calls to one of his apostles. Paul... Paul, He calls out. Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering. Yes Jesus, how may I serve you? he exclaims. Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Pauls right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying, No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner! Jesus once again calls his name. Paul . . .Paul, he calls. Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same guard who this time cuts off the left arm, and both legs and throws him back into the crowd. Jesus yells out once again, Paul ...Paul. Paul, who is now lying on his back on the ground, attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard, seeing this determination and devotion, finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of the crowd. Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks, Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you? Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states, Oh nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house from here!

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait. Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you be Jesus!

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. Whats going on here, anyway? he asked. This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her! one of the crowd responded. Wait, yelled Jesus, Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head. Aw, cmon, Dad, Jesus cried, Im trying to make a point here!

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, Doesnt it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you? Bobby said, Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, What makes you say God did this with his left hand? Well, said Bobby, we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on Gods right hand!

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him, which is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: No, no, theres no charge. However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor. Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelsteins robes every time he preaches. Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelsteins shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelsteins robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein. Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel youve been for business, gushed Finkelstein. Would you consider a partnership? Sure, sure, replies Jesus. Jesus and Finkelstein it is. Uh, no, no, says Finkelstein. Finkelstein and Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman. The two of them debate this for some time. Among other topics, they have quite a good theological discussion. Finally, they come to a compromise decision. The new sign went up - Lord & Taylor.

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night, his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com The little boy turned to his mother and said, Mama, I dont want to go out there. Its dark. The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You dont have to be afraid of the dark, she explained. Jesus is out there. Hell look after you and protect you. The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, Are you sure hes out there? Yes, Im sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him, she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, Jesus? If youre out there, would you please hand me the broom?

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus? The drunk looks back and says, Yess, Preacher, I sure am. The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. Have you found Jesus? the preacher asked. Nooo, I didnt! said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, Now, brother, have you found Jesus? Noooo, I did not Reverend. The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, My God, man, have you found Jesus yet? The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, Are you sure this is where he fell in?

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A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldnt figure it out, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for What Would Jesus Do, and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation. The man thought a moment and then replied, Well, Im damn sure Jesus wouldnt pay $17.95 for one of these caps.

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, They couldnt get a baby-sitter. A young mother realized that someone at the daycare must have been trying to teach her sons class the Easter story, because he asked, Mom, whos Jesus? Jesus is a man who lived a very long time ago, she began. He told people he was Gods son. There were some people who didnt like what he was saying, so they killed him. He thought about that for a moment, and asked, Did they really nail him to a cross? Yes, they did, she replied. Well, I wouldnt have nailed him to the cross. Just when she was ready to pat herself on the back for her fine explanation, he finished his thought. I would have used Super Glue.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, He was born in a manger. Bobby said, He threw the money changers out of the temple. Little Johnny said, He has a red pickup truck but he doesnt know how to drive it. Curious, the teacher asked, And where did you learn that, Johnny? From my Daddy, said Little Johnny. Yesterday, we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, Jesus Christ! Why dont you learn how to drive?

Most people assume WWJD is for What would Jesus do? But the initials really stand for What would Jesus drive? One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury. But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm. Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses followers are warned not to go up a mountain until the Rams horn sounds a long blast. Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didnt like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. Johns gospel where Christ tells the crowd, For I did not speak of my own Accord. Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, the roar of Moses Triumph is heard in the hills. Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: Joshuas Triumph was heard throughout the land. And, following the Masters lead, the Apostles carpooled in a Honda: The Apostles were in one Accord.

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The bible in 50 words: God made Adam bit Noah arked Abraham split Joseph ruled Jacob fooled Bush talked Moses balked Pharaoh plagued People walked Sea divided Tablets guided Promise landed Saul freaked David peeked Prophets warned Jesus born God walked Love talked Anger crucified Hope died Love rose Spirit flamed Word spread God remained.

After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, Sammy, since youre Jewish, I guess your family didnt celebrate Christmas. Sammy replied, Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing, What A Friend We Have In Jesus.

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Jesus and Moses are hanging out one afternoon by a lake, reminiscing about the good ol testament days. Moses walks over to the waters edge, gestures with his arms and shouts Part! As the water rolls back in on itself, creating a path across the lake, Moses turns to Jesus and says, Hey, I still got it! He walks back toward Jesus, with the waters settling back into place behind him. Not to be outdone, Jesus proceeds to the waters edge then starts stepping out across the water, but almost immediately sinks. Perplexed, he returns to dry ground. Moses suggests he try it again, after all, why should the Son of God lose his ability to walk on water. Jesus tries several more times, each ending in wet, angry failure. Finally, he returns to Moses and flops down on the ground next to him. After several moments of silently watching Jesus fuming and muttering to himself, Moses works up the courage and asks, Wait a seconddid you ALWAYS have those holes in your feet?

The University of Texas had Liz Carpenter, LBJs press secretary, as a guest lecturer for a media writing class. One of the students asked her if there was someone the 82-year-old Carpenter wanted to meet but hadnt yet. She replied, Jesus, paused for a moment and then said, But Im not in any hurry.

Two little girls were standing in the playground at St. Marys Grade School, and one yelled at the other, Jesus Christ, God Almighty! They turned to see Sister Mary Catherine standing behind them. In a shocked tone of voice she said, What did I just hear you say? Thinking quickly, the girl replied, Sister, dropped my cheese and crackers and they got all muddy.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com Joke A Day Joke A Day has been sending out jokes daily via email since 1996. We currently have over 400,000 readers in 152 countries. Nope, we don't know how we do it, either. If you're not an asshole, drop by and see us at www.jokeaday.com. You can get a free subscription to Joke A Day by sending a blank email to join@jokeaday.com. Return the confirmation letter and you'll be set to float like a Butterball and sting when you pee. If you are an asshole, write us a pissy little letter and we'll make fun of you six ways to Sunday, insult your parentage, call your sexuality into question, and say nasty things about you, thus living up to our motto: "Making Fun of Morons Since 1863." (Whether you're an asshole or not, you'll have to visit the site to figure out that whole "if you got started in 1996, how've you been making fun of morons since 1863?" thing.) If you enjoyed this e-book, check out our entire collection of joke books on Amazon.com or anywhere else e-books can be found. If you didn't enjoy this book, well, check the rest of our entire collection of joke books on Amazon.com or anywhere else e-books can be found. Keep buying the damned things until you find one you like. If you buy them all and you didn't like a single one, man, will we ever use you as fodder for that whole "Making Fun of Morons" thing. We'll have your cash and frankly, that's what we're really interested in. In addition to these little e-book things, we even took the time to put a collection of jokes, letters, and a bunch other stuff in books that are on paper. Yeah, paper. You might have heard something about it. "If You Beat Your Fish It Will Die," and "This Taste Funny to You?"

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com Thank You A big round of applause to the proofreaders who helped make sure I didn't look any more stupid than I had to: Dreamy Drea, Jimmy the Mudcat, Daph the Memory Maker, and MaryEllen -- BadAss Mentor and Co-Defendant. A whopping big-ass, making their panties wet kiss (from the person of their choice) to Teddy Bear Renne and Marla the Super Proofer for their above and beyond efforts in dotting the "i"'s, crossing the "t"'s, and making sure I didn't leave anything

And a huge "Thanks a Zillion" to these wonderful people who believed enough in this little e-book project that they donated buckets of cash that I spent at Kentucky Fried Chicken and Mabel's Whore House. ("Mabel's: Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear -Where the Customer Comes First!") Perry (you stud you!), MaryEllen (you sexpot you!), Michael (you studly fireman you!), Dennis, (you Bandito you!), Teresa (you Gem you!), Peacebug (you Harmonizer you!), and bringing it up with her damned cute rear, Sandi!

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) -- www.jokeaday.com Joke A Day, Inc. Published by Joke A Day, Inc., a rinky-dink outfit started in 1996 with the dumbass idea that no one had ever sent a joke via email before. Jeez. Should have gone into porn. If you received this book without a cover, well, dammit, you were supposed to. It's an "e-book," for crying out loud. If you received this "e-book" through some guy named "Raoul," then I'm sure I didn't get paid for it. Shame on you. I've got kids to feed and one big-ass alimony payment to make. Copyright 2002 by Joke A Day, Inc. -- Ray Owens All rights reserved. All pigs fed and ready to fly. Published in the United States of America, somewhere in Ohio, on the 2nd floor bedroom / office of a very heavily mortgaged house. Which is another reason if you got this book from Raoul you should be horsewhipped. If you paid for this book, visit us on the web at http://www.jokeaday.com/ If you stole this book, visit us on the web at http://www.eatshitanddieyoucheapbastard.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Owens, Ray Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 3) / Ray Owens ISBN 0-9659152-4-7 First Edition: November 2002