Etiquette and Protocol

by Leonis

Protocol is the highest form of service there is -Lady Markette

What are differences between Etiquette and Protocol? How do they relate to each other and How do they work together as One?

What Do they Meanthis Etiquette and Protocol?

Oxford English Dictionary: Etiquette The customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group. Origin: Mid 18th century: from French tiquette 'list of ceremonial observances of a court.' Protocol The official procedure or system of rules governing affairs of state or diplomatic occasions: protocol forbids the prince from making any public statement in his defense. the accepted or established code of procedure or behavior in any group, organization, or situation: What is the protocol at a conference if one's neighbor dozes off during the speeches?

Definitions and Differences

Etiquette: Protocol: The ritualistic actions or behaviors that are standardized within dictated parameters. The cultural norms of manners that are practiced within an accepted place or situation.

Differences A violation of etiquette is something you witness at a dinner in a restaurant or other social interactions. When you see it, most people dont ever say anything. For example A Violation in Protocol can and may incur a correction or punishment. For example

Is it Etiquette or Is it Protocol?
1. A man walks up to a door and opens it for an elderly person. 2. When you sign a cover letter in an attempt to acquire a job you sign: Sincerely, John Smith. 3. The judge enters the courtroom, everyone stands. 4. At a formal BDSM event, the Matriarch of the House enters the room and all the men stand. 5. At dinner, a lady approaches the table a man pulls out the chair for her. 2

 As these examples show, there is a difference, sometimes subtle, between what is etiquette and what is protocol Now we need to understand how to incorporate and how we use these in the BDSM lifestyle.

A Brief History of Etiquette and Protocol in the BDSM Lifestyle

History is inherently subjective, whether you are attempting to understand the the Battle of Hastings in 1066 or understanding the relatively short history of what may be called modern BDSM. Though the history of BDSM goes back to the Classical era, if not beyond, as well as the literature of the late 18th century and early 19th century of the Marquis de Sade. We, however, will deal with the more recent history in the 20th century in which the Leather community fathered the modern BDSM version of etiquette and protocol. Most if not all styles of protocol are rooted in what is called the Old Guard. Old Guard is a term referring to a much more strict and formalized code of behavior within the BDSM lifestyle. The Old Guard was established by gay men returning from World War II. These men established motorcycle clubs and practiced BDSM lifestyle. They created many of the protocols we use every day in the BDSM community, including the use of: Sir, which evolved in our own use of title from Master, Mistress, Ms., Maam and others. Later, these BDSM communities evolved to include various subcultures from fetish communities, military, Victorian, Gorean and many others.

A Few Styles of Protocol , but just a few

The Victorian manner of protocol deals with, but is not limited to, the domestic servitude aspect of the lifestyle. Many of the skills and protocols of the butler, maid, chef, chauffeur and other service oriented duties evolved into the lifestyle of many households. Many Victorian protocols became part of many D/s relationships, and households. This style focuses on elegance and refinement of the dominant, while still maintaining strict behavioral standards. The Military manner of protocol, as you might guess is born out of a military and leather community, which is laden with the military style of protocol. It focuses on strict regimental behavior and the standards of the military. The Gorean manner of protocol, which grew out of the Gorean novels by John Normans. The Gorean lifestyle emphasizes bringing strength and honor to the Master or Mistress. In the Gor novels, men are the dominants, but the code of Gor can and is used with Mistress as well. There are Goreans who refute this, but as someone said: To disallow this truth is to deny dominance itself. - Master BlackWulf

It all begins with Manners? But what do Manners have to do with Etiquette and Protocol?
Before we can discuss Etiquette and Protocol, we MUST discuss the use, or lack thereof, of Manners. Without basic and proper manners, one can NEVER delve into the world of Etiquette and Protocol, and that is why the use of manners is paramount in the lifestyle, whether you are into protocol or not. With every skill or discipline you must always learn the basics and the basics or the root of etiquette and protocol is manners. The manners practiced at a high protocol dinner can go far beyond basic manners, ergo learning manners IS the first step to etiquette and protocol and will allow you to participate and enjoy a rewarding experience in the BDSM lifestyle.

Emily Post Where it all Begins

Emily Post is arguably the standard when it comes to Manners and Etiquette.

The use of Proper Manners accomplishes a few things:

As a submissive, your actions reflect upon your Master/Mistress; if you dont use proper manners, it will reflect badly upon you and more importantly upon your Dominant. No one is perfect and no one employs perfect manners, but in a society where theres an apathy towards manners and few even regard manners as important, the use of proper manners stands out among the rest. Using proper manners not only reflects upon ones reputation, but upon us, as a community.

Manners to Protocol
BUT Be not quick to judge!! Though you may know what proper manners are many people employ bad manners, not because they are being blatantly or intentionally rude, but because they are ignorant of what they are doing, and dont know any better. Manners used to be taught on a regular basis But those days are gone We as individuals must learn for ourselves proper and basic manners, for ourselves and for the ones around us, our family and friends.

Whats wrong with these Pictures?

Examples of Bad Manners we see Every day Manners and Etiquette in and out of the lifestyle
Cell phone etiquette yes it does exist, Just ask Emily Post When using your cell phone, speak softly and be considerate of others around you. (They can hear what you are saying) NEVER text or make a phone call from the dinner table or at a restaurant. If you must take a call, excuse yourself and make the call as brief as possible. When you are out with your dominant or submissive , with a friend or just on a date at a restaurant, how important is it that they use proper manners? How will it affect your opinion about them if they If you are submissive and are writing to Goddess Diana and write: Hey Girl hows it going? What are the chances that she will respond? We have specific protocols with reference to the American flag: raising it, half staff, never letting it touch the ground, etc 6

 What if you write in a cover letter: I aint got no BA in business but I have 3 years experience in management. Whats the likelihood that they will grant you an interview? You are at a BDSM event and you, as a submissive, walk up to a Master and say: Hey dude! Hows it going?

When should proper Etiquette be used?

Always! However, the degree of manners depends on the situation. The trap that can be laid when you allow your manners to be too relaxed is, if you are accustomed to using very relaxed manners, they become second nature and when you are in a situation where proper etiquette ought to be observed. You either forget or neglect them and that may be at the very least embarrassing. Etiquette can go from the basic to high formal, but etiquette is more than how to eat, which fork to use or how to sit. In all occasions the use of proper etiquette is illustrated by the behavior of demeanor of the person Graciousness, allowing everyone to always feel at ease and above all Welcome. Poise, carrying yourself with respect and dignity, no matter position you carry, Dom, sub, slave etc Affability, a friendly and good natured demeanor.

OK, what does all this have to do with The BDSM Lifestyle??
Answers??? Would a Master/Mistress want to have a submissive who was rude, impolite, or showed lack of courtesy towards them or anyone else? Would a submissive want to be in service to a person who demonstrated a lack of manners and courtesy? When etiquette is illustrated in a protocol setting or out of a protocol setting, it heightens the significance and the importance of manners and etiquette that exist in protocol, no matter what level is being practiced.

Do the standards of etiquette transfer into BDSM situations, or are they different?
The same standards of manners and etiquette apply in the BDSM lifestyle as they do in the vanilla world. If a submissive girl walks into a BDSM event in three inch heels carrying two toy bags and then her Master walks in with nothing, is this proper etiquette, is this proper manners? 7

 For the men who are in the BDSM lifestyle, you are a gentleman first, you are a Master/Dom second. Just because you have a girl/submissive/slave doesnt allow you the latitude to ignore a code of conduct in which you treat your girl as a lady. The fact that a Master treats his girl with respect and courtesy elevates your reputation and gains you a great deal of respect in the community. Etiquette in the BDSM community is about courtesy above all things. Etiquette, additionally, possesses a symbiotic relationship with protocol and depending on the level that is practiced can be the epitome of elegance and grace.

Protocol and BDSM

As discussed Protocols exist on many levels in the vanilla world and in the BDSM lifestyle. Protocols in the lifestyle, however, are quite different in that there are several levels in which protocols are observed. Protocols can be something that is observed at an event, such as a high protocol dinner or something that is set by the Master/Mistress at a vanilla event or at a BDSM event where there is no level of protocol being observed. That is why Protocol can be a very fluid entity. To get a better understanding let us break down and define the levels of protocol that exist.

Levels of Protocol
Low Protocol
Low protocol is the base set of protocols from which each layer of protocol is developed. Low protocol allows more casual behaviors, yet with specific boundaries. Low protocol contains elements of service and responsibilities that will always be appropriate and may even be practiced in a vanilla environment with little risk of discovery or observance. This level demands recognition of station as well as orders, demands, and requests in an invisible and unobtrusive fashion. It challenges the submissive to exhibit a behavior which reflects the Dominant's intentions and desired interaction on both a personal and professional level. Even with the casual behavior and sense of independence of this lowest level of protocol, there is always accountability for the behavior of the submissive. Low protocol is often the most difficult for the submissive to perfect because it offers many of the illusions, comforts and distractions of freedom, yet accountability and responsibility continue unabated. It has the least moment to moment guidance and often the greatest margin for error. Service, authority and accountability do not diminish when a submissive is allowed to act in low protocol. Only the expression of it is relaxed as there is no Off Time! 8

Mid Protocol
Mid Protocol is the behavioral "set" most often encountered in public scene clubs and play situations. Perhaps the most classic of protocols; it is the one most easily identified and seen as a part of "BDSM." Considered a "performance" protocol, this level requires the submissive to adhere to the first level of decidedly Dominant-imposed and regulated (as opposed to societal imposed and regulated) behavior and performance rules. Most BDSM activities are executed in this level. Mid-Protocol requires the submissive to focus on BDSM priorities, especially with regard to the D/s or M/s aspects, no matter how long or strenuous the time spent in this protocol. Focus becomes a priority. Mid-Protocol requires a continuous awareness and anticipation of the Dominant's needs, desires and expectations as well as those of others in the Dominant's company. This level presumes consistent ground rules of action and responsibility. This includes responding to the Dominant in a more formal manner, but with a level of self direction. While complete deference to the Master is required, it provides for a level of autonomy (while maintaining full adherence to specific guidelines) in dealing with others. Despite such autonomy it is not the time and place for casual behavior. Full titles may be relaxed ("Sir" rather than "Master"), the submissive may initiate conversation with the Dominant and may refer to them self directly and furniture may well be permitted at this level, but otherwise directed, the submissive will always be expected to assume a specifically detailed position (such as walking slightly behind the Dominant if they are walking, or taking a seat to their left). These are at the discretion of the Dominant. Mid Protocol provides for a workable but still distinctly BDSM environment. There is still formality in both etiquette and speech, but also sufficient flexibility to allow the submissive to display their personality. A submissive may still be a companion in this mode. Generally, Mid protocol would be a good protocol level to apply when the submissive is taken out for a special occasion or "night on the town."

High Protocol
High Protocol is the most exacting of requirements with the highest expectations. The bar is continuously at it's upper reaches when the submissive is brought to High Protocol. Nothing less is required than complete attention and focus, regardless of distractions. The Dominant's every directive, every nuance, requires absolute and instantaneous obedient response, without delay, hesitation or question. The submissive is

relieved of any and all decision making and prioritizing outside of strict attentive service to the Dominant. All such power and responsibility is shifted to the Dominant. The highest degree of concentration is demanded as the submissive must maintain an awareness that every act, behavior, move, response, expression is being carefully scrutinized and judged. Think Japanese Tea Ceremony, but with the Dominant's desires (both expressed and as observed and acted upon by the submissive) being utterly paramount High Protocol conforms most closely to the 'ideal' of service commonly encountered in BDSM erotic literature. Full titles are used when referring to a Dominant, conventional use of furniture by the submissive is at the Dominants discretion, directly addressing the Dominant is formally structured (i.e., the submissive must usually request permission even to address their Dominant and may possibly not even be permitted to initiate contact with another Dominant and the submissive may be required to take and hold specific positions when not having been directly tasked. It is the most structured and formal environment The idea is an environment of service, obedience and decorum in a manner that is efficient and palatable for each Dominant and submissive couple or family. Often, the submissive in a high protocol environment will become the un-heard and hardly seen servant entirely focused on their Dominant and oblivious to all other surroundings and distractions.

How do we learn Protocols?

The actions of Protocol CAN be taught, but what is and what is not protocol within a D/s relationship is an individualistic entity and is a journey within D/s. 10

 NO ONE can say, that is protocol and that is not protocol. It is created, it evolves, it is a living things within the D/s relationship or event. It is individualized. For example: It is proper etiquette to kneel when serving my Mistress.

Establishing Protocols
There exists, in the BDSM community, guidelines of protocols, but they do not exist in a vacuum they are subject to the desires, demands, and edicts of the dominant. They must fit within the framework of a D/s relationship or for a particular event in which a level of protocol has been established. These levels are fluid and ever changing, at the whim of the Mistress/Master. These protocols can and do exist in the everyday lives of the Master/Mistress and slave as well as at BDSM event whether they are at a BDSM club, event or at a formal High Protocol event. The main point is that whatever the Master or Mistress dictates as a protocol IS a protocol. To another dominant it may not, but in your D/s relationship it is, and that is what matters. For each relationship and event it is different. Some protocols that may be observed at a protocol event: Never to address another dominant without permission. When allowed, address other dominants as Sir, Master or Maam. Using hand signals to communicate when under voice restrictions. For me, there are more than a few protocols that have been established by my Mistress: When my Mistress arrives at home, I present myself before her on my knees and kiss Her feet. When I am with Her I stand one step behind her and to her right. I address my Mistress as Mistress at all times in public and in private.

11

The Common thread that exists in the Practice of Etiquette and Protocol

FORMALITY
Whether it is a motorcycle club, a Gorean event or a Victorian household, the behaviors are formal, respectful, structured and above all service-oriented. These Protocols can be taught, refined, practiced and perfected within an established relationship or event. Formality in protocol does not necessarily mean it only happens at a formal event or a formal setting. The formality of an action can take place in the most casual setting. For instance: The formality in a manner of etiquette or protocol can be as simple as addressing someone with their proper title, standing up when a lady enters the room, just to mention a few.

BDSM and Etiquette and Protocol

The subject of Etiquette and Protocol covers a wide variety of subject matter and includes activities that we may or may have not expected. From the vanilla world, to the professional world, to the BDSM lifestyle do we see the presence of Etiquette and protocol. The thing that makes Etiquette and Protocol different, in my opinion, is that it is something that we use throughout the day with each interaction, every meal, every BDSM event. Whereas other BDSM activities end when you are done with a scene or event. I hope this class has been informative, a realization, edifying and above all enjoyable I also hope that this class has given you a new perspective and interest into Etiquette and Protocol

Tibi Gratias
I would like to give many thanks to the people who have helped me with this class and the presentation of this class First and foremost my Mistress, who has helped me with content and clarity, I can be a bit verbose. Lynx who put a great deal of effort and labor into the presenting of this class. Additionally, Lynx has given me some very insightful aspects into Etiquette and Protocol.

12

 Ms. Angell, who has allowed me to present this class at SKALES and has given me her input about the content and the presentation itself. Master BlackWulf who has granted me permission to use his The House Wulf Slave Manual as a resource. Though I didnt use a great deal, his insight into protocols has been very valuable in the preparation of this class. Master Trents Etiquette and Protocol presentation. Web sites: MasterTrent.com Co-innersanctum.net Highprotocol.com (all protocol level descriptions come from here.)

13