MUSICAL MINI-GOLF DATE: APRIL 19, 2013 TIME: 9pm - 11pm LOCATION: Mark Taper Courtyard, in front of the

Wild Beast CAST: GOLFER - each member of the audience plays this role PENNY - female, girlfriend of PETER, played by 3 people PETER - male, boyfriend of PENNY, played by 3 people THE GHOST OF PETER - doubled by one of the PETERS. DOCTOR DOO - doubles as REFEREE DOCTOR KETCHUP - doubles as KETCHUP, fire, and REFEREE DOCTOR HOT - doubles as REFEREE DOCTOR DOG - doubles as REFEREE Eight Hippies: GAZELLE - female hippie TRIGGER - male hippie, played by 3 people SURREAL - hippie MOKEY LOKE - hippie BASKETBALL - hippie GRANOLA - hippie GOOGOO - hippie EEEEEEEE - hippie Ladle Rat Rotten Hut: LADLE RAT - little girl NARRATOR - male WICKET WOOF - male rat MURDER - LADLE RAT'S mother CHORUS: KETCHUP - red, double as fire, DOCTOR KETCHUP, and REFEREE MUSTARD - yellow, double as fire RELISH - green, double as fire BLORTUS - a slobby chef PREGNANT DOG - giant dog played by two people in one costume PUPPIES - three puppies, only faces are seen. Tiny fake puppy bodies are attached to three holes in a table that they put their heads through, doubled by HIPPIES BABIES - three babies, only faces are seen. Tiny fake baby bodies are attached to three holes in a table that they put their heads through, doubled by HIPPIES CLUBHOUSE: A table is set up on the platform up the stairs behind the WILD BEAST. Here in the CLUBHOUSE, GOLFERS sign-up to play MUSICAL MINI-GOLF in groups of 4. They are given clubs, golf balls, a small pencil and a color-printed score card containing a map of the course. Refreshments and snacks are served in the CLUBHOUSE.

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HOLE 1 begins at the top of the stairs near the CLUBHOUSE. HOLES 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 snake across the three grassy platforms in front of the WILD BEAST. HOLES 6, 7 and 8 are on the flat grassy area of the Mark Taper Courtyard and HOLE 9 leads to the concrete sidewalk in front of the sliding doors of the WILD BEAST. HOLE 1: TV DINNER PENNY and PETER wear pajamas and sit on two tall chairs at a 4-foot tall dinner table. Their backs face the GOLFERS teeing off. PENNY and PETER eat hotdogs for dinner. Ketchup, mustard, relish and a 2-liter bottle of soda sit on the table. The GOLFER hits the ball between the chairs and under the table to get to the other side. While PENNY and PETER talk and eat, they watch the TV show Eight Hippies playing on a small TV set. The TV show theme song is heard from the TV speakers while the video plays on loop. PENNY You know that lady we always see walking her dog? PETER Uhm, which lady? PENNY You know who Im talking about, that lady with that enormous grey dog down the street PETER Oh yeah yeah, shes uh strange PENNY yeah, you dont even know. I ran into her outside the mall today and she was all jacked up and like talking a mile a minute about something shes been working on and then she grabbed my hand insisting that I follow her into that store, you know that big media department store you know the one on the corner next to the pretzel kiosk? PETER Right. Yeah, so what happened again? You were talking to her? PENNY For a minute and then she grabbed my arm and pulled me into the store with her because there was something I had to see, so I followed her into the store. That store makes me dizzy anyway cause of all that crap everywhere and the lights and but this time it was like 100 times more intense, like as soon as I walked in their I got really really dizzy PETER those places are totally sensory overload PENNY but right when I walked in there, my eyes stopped focusing and I couldnt tell how far away anything was, like everything in the room was right in my face even though it wasnt, it just couldnt be, I knew it wasn't PETER so you mean they moved all the stuff in front of the door? PENNY No, no, the stuff wasnt close to me at all but I couldnt tell how far away the stuff was but the point is that that lady, the dog lady, she was in front of me and she was dancing and I thought I was dizzy and I thought I was gonna puke, but then she started screaming dance with me dance with me and she was moving her arms like this above her

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head (PENNY moves her arms back and forth above her head) PETER Really? Shes crazier than I thought I mean that dog is huge and she is always giving us strange looks when she walks by but she's sounds like a real handful. So, what were all the other people in the store doing? PENNY No one was in there, not even the people who work there, it was just the two of us, but the last thing I wanted to do was dance, I didnt know what was going on, I never felt like that before and I just I wanted to get the hell out of there as soon as I had walked in, but I was too disoriented I just froze. Everything was pulsating and had shadows going at the wrong angles. I knew she had walked in further than me, but I I was no, she was freaking me out. The whole store was freaking me out. PETER Well, why didnt you leave? PENNY I was stuck. I was either gonna puke or cry or suffocate in that place. And she kept saying dance with me, its soothing, dancing helps it move through your body or something like that and then she was gone. PETER Whered she go? PENNY No, she disappeared. She didnt go anywhere. She was there and then she wasnt. PETER You didn't see where she went? PENNY I told you, she didnt go anywhere. She vanished, poof. PETER Youre being ridiculous. She was probably hiding or something. I mean you were dizzy and having another freak out at the mall. Im familiar with this scenario. PENNY I wasnt freaking out, Peter, the whole store was freaking out, it was freaked out. Yes, it freaked me out, but I wasnt freaking out until it freaked me out. PETER Okay, okay, dont freak out, Penny. PENNY but Im still freaked out. Something weird was happening in that place and it was like she had set me up, like she wanted to show me a trick or something, and, and I have no idea where she went and everything in the store was pressing against my eyeballs. And the air, you wouldn't believe the pressure in there or maybe it was a total lack of pressure? I couldn't breathe or figure out where the I stopped and the crappy products began. Yes, I was freaking out. PETER Relax sweety, Im not giving you a hard time, Im just trying to figure out what youre talking about it doesn't really make sense PENNY Im just saying that lady is weird and this weird thing happened to me and somehow I got out of that place And as soon as I left, the moment I stepped outside, everything was normal again. I could see, I could breathe I was just confused. PETER Well thats good. Im glad you were able to leave the

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store. All in a day's work. PENNY I was glad too. PETER Maybe you were having an anxiety attack or something. Did you eat anything this morning? Or drink too much coffee? PENNY Yeah, I had stopped by the PETER (Interrupts and points to the TV) Oh cool! Eight Hippies is on. PENNY and PETER watch the TV for a while and then repeat the dialogue. The golf hole is located under the TV and connects to a tube which drops the ball onto HOLE 2. HOLE 2: BRAS (EIGHT HIPPIES) The GOLFER hits the ball through a largerthan-life TV frame that is an exact model of PENNY and PETERS TV on HOLE 1. The words Eight Hippies dangle from the TV frame in mid-air similar to the titles used in the Eight Hippies show. The GOLFER steps through the frame and enters Eight Hippies. A street sign reads HAIGHT/ ASHBURY. The GOLFER golfs down the San Francisco street where four hippies are hanging out. GRANOLA wears a flowery dress down to her ankles. GAZELLE wears a tin foil skirt, bikini top and beaded necklaces. SURREAL wears a chain-mail tank-top and roman skirt. MOKEY LOKE wears a tattered suit with a tie as a headband. GRANOLA, SURREAL, MOKEY LOKE, and GAZELLE are stumbling down the road, with forward progress requiring great effort. They fall slowly to the ground, crawling and writhing in confusion. They speak sluggishly with delayed response. All of the HIPPIES on HOLES 2, 3 and 4 are connected to M.T.BRAIN by long audio cables and headphones. Their stage directions and dialogue are fed to them while sound effects, music and laugh tracks play on small powered speakers. Noise makers are scattered along HOLE 2, 3 and 4. M.T.BRAIN sends audio cues to the HIPPIES instructing them to clap or rhythmically hit noisemakers, railings, pots or pans with spoons and sticks. Synchronized musical interludes interrupt the actions on the three holes. GRANOLA What are we gonna eat? SURREAL I gotta pee. MOKEY LOKE Oh no, I gotta pee too, I drank too much pink soup. SURREAL Im so hungry. The street is filthy and littered with hundreds of bras. The HIPPIES trip over bra straps as they try to walk. MOKEY LOKE Damn Bras.

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The hippies become tangled in bra straps, unable to make forward progress. GAZELLE Weren't we supposed to burn these? Just beyond the tangle of bras is a long ramp leading into a dumpster. The hole for HOLE 2 is in the dumpster which automatically drops the ball onto the TEE of HOLE 3. HOLE 3: MIRROR (EIGHT HIPPIES) A giant mirrored monolith stands in the middle of a dingey San Francisco alley. A sign near the monolith reads THE SHARPEST IMAGE. At the bottom of the monolith is a small tunnel that the GOLFER must hit the ball through. The areas on either side of the monolith are set up as exact mirror images of each other. A replica of the dumpster leading to HOLE 3 is on the other side of the monolith leading to HOLE 4. TRIGGER #1 TRIGGER #1 other side both sides and TRIGGER #2 wear cutoff jeans with no shirt and no shoes. is on one side of the monolith while TRIGGER #2 is on the of the monolith. The same scene happens simultaneously on of the monolith.

TRIGGER (#1 and #2) unzips his pants and pees behind the dumpster. A peeing sound is heard from the speakers. Mid-stream, he hears a cyberswooshing sound and looks around. TRIGGER ducks behind the dumpster, peeking out in search of the sound source. A laser beam emits from the monolith. TRIGGER hops while he zips his pants and he sloppily follows the beam to its source. In front of the monolith tunnel is a very small door of a miniature storefront. A giant laser-emitting NRG crystal sits behind the door on display. TRIGGER ogles the crystal. TRIGGER Whoa. Far out. TRIGGER paces in front of the door of the store. A sign on the miniature door reads, NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE. He squats down and reads the sign. TRIGGER Man, I want that NRG crystal, but I don't know about those squares inside. NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE TRIGGER looks down at his bare feet in the grass. He wiggles his filthy toes. TRIGGER touches the glass in front of the NRG Crystal, wanting. TRIGGER Guess no crystal for me. The GOLFER hits the ball through the tunnel of the monolith. The GOLFER walks to the other side of the monolith. TRIGGER #2 is on the other side of the monolith along with the same tiny glass door, sign and laser-emitting NRG Crystal. The scene repeats on the other side. The

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GOLFER hits the ball up a large ramp into the second dumpster. HOLE 4: MUD (EIGHT HIPPIES) Balls from HOLE 3 are automatically spit out into a large pool of smooth mud, plop. Four barefoot hippies are in the mud, covered with mud. TRIGGER #3 wears cutoff jeans with no shirt and no shoes. GOOGOO wears a leotard under a trench coat with a floppy hat. EEEEEE wears a denim vest over his bare chest with spandex pants. BASKETBALL wears a tight basketball jersey with a basketball under her shirt, pregnant. GOOGOO, EEEEEE and BASKETBALL sleep in the mud. TRIGGER Wake up guys! Wake up! Were running out of time! We gotta get the NRG Crystal. It's our portal home, but we can't get in and get it 'cause we don't have shoes! The HIPPIES dig around in the mud trying to find the NRG Crystal. Six potatoes are buried in the mud and a few extra golf balls. BASKETBALL Whyd you hide the crystal in the mud Trigger? This is such a drag. TRIGGER The beams were hurting my eyes. EEEEEE We just gotta keep digging around guys. It's down here somewhere, I know it. The HIPPIES lift handfuls of mud and plop them back into the puddle. They find golf balls and potatoes and pass them back and forth to each other before clumsily losing them again in the mud, oops. The HIPPIES confuse the golf balls with the potatoes and vice versa. Sometimes a HIPPIE picks up a golf ball and holds it up for the other HIPPIES to see. GOOGOO I found HIPPIES CHORUS EEEEEE Finally HIPPIES CHORUS it! I found it! Potato, Potato, Potato! we can eat! Finally we can eat!

After making the GOLFER watch their confusion for a while, a HIPPIE finds a golf ball, cleans it off and throws it toward the pile of electronic TV innards erupting from behind the TV frame on the next hole. The hole for HOLE 4 is in the middle of the electronic innards. HOLE 5: TV BEDROOM From inside the electronic TV innards of HOLE 4, the GOLFER hits the ball through the back of another larger-than-life TV frame. The front of the frame is identical to the frame on HOLE 2, facing PENNY and PETER who are in bed watching a smaller TV. The end credits of Eight Hippies plays on a loop on the TV and music is heard from the TV speakers. PENNY and PETER are in their pajamas. They sing to each other as they fight. The music of the Eight Hippies ending credits and subsequent TV

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commercials accompanies their singing. PENNY and PETER transition from hugging and cuddling to pushing and pulling. PETER PENNY PETER PENNY PENNY PETER PENNY PETER PENNY PETER PETER PENNY PETER PENNY PETER Uhhh Uh, Im so lonely. Im so lonely, so lonely Im so lonely. Im so lo - o onley. Im so lonely uh uh uh uh, ooooo, so lonely, so lonely ooo ah ooo ah, oooo - ooo - ooo - ooo - ooo Oh Baby, Hold on to me, Hold on to me, oh baby hold on to me I need you to hold on, oh baby just hold on, why cant you just hold on? (flirty whine) uh uh uh, uh uh (shakes head) uh uh uh uh uh uh uh (crying whine) ah ah ah, ah ah (wags finger) no no no no no no Penny, we should take a short break Okay, okay. we need some time, to soothe this heart ache Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! A little break

In a huff, PENNY and PETER turn away from each other in bed. PENNY farts. She moves over to shows PETER a small pile of poo in the bed. PENNY Oh my god, Im so embarrassed! Hold on, Im gonna clean this up. PETER Hold on! What the freak is that? PENNY grabs some cleaning spray and towels from under the bed. A cleaning spray commercial comes on the TV as she squirts and scrubs the echdompoo away. TV COMMERCIAL Squirt / Squirt / Squirt / Squirt Scrubba Scrubba Scrubba Scrubba Squirt / Squirt / Squirt-Squirt / Squirt Rub Rub Rub Rub Squirt-Squirt/Squirt-Squirt/Squirt-Squirt/Squirt Scrub Scrub Scrub Scrub Scrubba Scrubba Scrub! More commercials plays on the TV and the sound accompanies their singing. PENNY PETER PENNY PETER (Proud) Ta-Da ! No. As if it didnt even happen Theres no way, no mother-loving way Theres no way I can do this! TV COMMERCIAL NO! NO! NO! NO!

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PETER I cant DO THIS! PENNY and PETER cannot perceive GOLFERS, but they can perceive golf balls. They are confused by the sudden appearance of golf balls. The GOLFER hits the ball up onto the bed and in between PENNY and PETER. The GOLFER steps onto the bed to hit the ball off of the other side of the bed. The GOLFER hits the ball over the pillows and off of the back of the bed. The DVD loops and PENNY and PETER begin the scene again. The hole to HOLE 5 is behind the bed on the path to HOLE 6. HOLE 6: THE LATABORY & LADLE RAT ROTTEN HUT The LATABORY is a small cubeshaped room containing a desk and scientific equipment consisting of electronic machines and beakers full of differently colored liquids. The wall behind the desk is a glowing white screen where the Ladle Rat Rotten Hut video is projected, visible on both sides of the wall. The other 3 walls of the LATABORY are made of cling wrap so the GOLFERS can see inside without going inside. DOCTOR DOO wears a long white coat in the LATABORY. She is building and testing a machine. Lasers, strobe lights, black lights and fog machines erupt and grumble and DOCTOR DOO is overwhelmed by technological malfunction. DOCTOR DOO Aaargh! Come on, work already, come on. Where are you? Come on, please. Appear. DOCTOR DOO consults a clipboard, occasionally writing something down or chewing on a pen. DOCTOR DOO talks on the phone about stressful technological problems. DOCTOR DOO (phone call #1) Hello yeah Im working on it right now, but I don't know what to do. It wont focus. Its scattering, well, I mean its a blob, but then, out of no where, it becomes a million blobs I have been yes yup but, what about complex problems that cant be simplified? okay, not this one No But its still not working I dont think it matters either way. Right, so you dont even think its a blob how about a sphere? is that better? Yes, nothing can penetrate it Ive tried every angle, seriously but if I surround it entirely, well then Im not really getting inside of it What do you mean? (giggles) wiggle it? You think wiggling will help me get inside? Im not No I know it can't be swallow it whole, well not now anyway (laughs) okay, okay, yeah yeah, Ill try again in a few seconds okay, sure, see you then bye. DOCTOR DOO (phone call #2) Hi, yeah, so it still isnt working Yeah Yeah, I start the process, but then it won't stop. It just keeps going in all directions at once, which means

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it wont focus or stabilize, its always moving no, mostly it flickers or goes in and out, and eventually it just disappears entirely Oh, okay, I see, I get it really? raw red meat? rotting? because of the sun? Uhm right, yes, it is hot, it is very very hot. Okay, I get it And? But when you say its getting picked at, do you mean, eaten? And then it just rots? Oh, thats when it gets dunked, I see It eats itself from the inside out? oh, actually that makes more sense yeah so Ive been doing it backwards right, if it tears itself apart first, then I can get inside before it no, that helps a lot actually okay thanks, yeah bye. DOCTOR DOO (phone call #3) Hey yeah, I mean, yes no, no, no, Im calling because I need more time. I'm working as fast as I can, but but the last one blew up I I well, currently, no no, its not working I told you, its not working, Im gonna need another month, at least A week is nothing, It wont even be set up in a week Im doing everything I can, I swear. But I don't know if whether or not my actions affect the way it but wait, you arent listening to me it breaks when it turns inside out, theres no way around it, on paper, sure, but not without well if yes yes fascinating or not, that doesnt mean its possible, and not in a week, not after last week Okay Yeah, Well, I have already tried wiggling i see what you mean, but how is that gonna happen? You cant force it to dance, it has to want to dance, from the inside out, weve gone over this Forcing it is self-defeating but it never isn't transitioning, thats the problem. Yes, I have the beginning and the end, but the middle the part that actually matters but thats just it, there's no transition to smooth transition while transitioning well, if you can find me a laser fast enough, Ill try anything Or if there was some way to access more of the space already inside, then it would already be larger than hypothetically, but, theres no way to predict yeah, the inversion might break it anyway okay, Ill take your word on that more time, thats what I need, thats all Im asking for okay yes loud and clear fine okay, bye. To the right and left of DOCTOR DOOs desk are two small cubes that are miniature versions of the LATABORY. DOCTOR DOO focuses the laser crystals (seen in Eight Hippies) toward the bottom platforms of the cubes. The GOLFER hits the ball up a ramp into a ball entrance on the right side of the LATABORY. The ball drops into the small cube on the right side of DOCTOR DOOs desk. As the balls come into the LATABORY, DOCTOR DOO picks up each ball for analysis. DOCTOR DOO takes notes about the ball on the clipboard and then puts the ball up into a tube

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that sends the ball behind the LATABORY. The ball rolls along the exterior wall of the HUT which is a longer room behind the LATABORY that has 3 black walls made out of black plastic sheets. The LATABORY and the HUT share the white video screen wall and the projected image is visible in both rooms. The GOLFER follows the ball around the right side of the LATABORY towards the opposite side of the white screen. The ball is spit out in front of the HUT entrance. The GOLFER enters the HUT where the 7 minute musical Ladle Rat Rotten Hut (lyrics by Howard L. Chace) is performed on a loop. Sound from the projected DVD video plays through a small speaker in the HUT. There are two paths to a hole in the back right corner of the enclosure -- a long and winding maze and a difficult straight shot. The hair of an old woman is seen above the covers of a small bed in the corner of the HUT. LADLE RAT wears a red dress and red hood. MURDER wears a long motherly dress with a shawl. WICKET WOOF wears a wolf costume. NARRATOR wears a suit and carries a large book. LADLE RAT, MURDER, WICKET WOOF, and NARRATOR perform towards the GOLFERS as they enter the HUT. NARRATOR: Wants pawn term, dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage, honor itch offer lodge dock florist. Disk ladle gull worry putty ladle rat cluck wetter ladle rat hut, an fur disk raisin pimple colder Ladle Rat Rotten Hut. ALL: Ladle Rat Rotten Hut NARRATOR: Wan moaning, Rat Rotten Hut's murder colder inset MURDER: Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, heresy ladle basking winsome burden barter an shirker cockles. Tick disk ladle basking tutor cordage offer groin-murder hoe lifts honor udder site offer florist. Shaker lake! Dun stopper laundry wrote! An yonder nor sorghum-stenches, dun stopper torque wet strainers! LADLE RAT: Hoe-cake, murder NARRATOR: resplendent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, an tickle ladle basking an stuttered oft. NARRATOR and LADLE RAT: stuttered oft, stuttered oft, stuttered oft, stuttered oft, stuttered oft, stuttered oft, stuttered oft NARRATOR: Honor wrote tutor cordage offer groin-murder, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut mitten anomalous woof. WICKET WOOF: Wail, wail, wail! NARRATOR: set disk wicket woof WICKET WOOF: Evanescent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut! Wares are putty ladle gull goring wizard ladle basking? LADLE RAT: Armor goring tumor groin-murder's NARRATOR: reprisal ladle gull. LADLE RAT: Grammar's seeking bet. Armor ticking arson burden

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barter an shirker cockles. WICKET WOOF: O hoe! Heifer gnats woke NARRATOR: setter wicket woof, butter taught tomb shelf WICKET WOOK: Oil tickle shirt court tutor cordage offer groinmurder. Oil ketchup wetter letter, an den - O bore! O-O bore! NARRATOR: Soda wicket woof tucker shirt court, an whinney retched a cordage offer groin-murder, picked inner widow, an sore debtor pore oil worming worse lion inner bet. Inner flesh, disk abdominal woof lipped honor bet paunched honor pore oil worming an garbled erupt. WICKET WOOF: (GARBLE, GARBLE, GARBLE, GARBLE) NARRATOR: Den disk ratchet ammonol pot honor groin murders nut cap an gant-gun, any curdled dope inner bet LADLE RAT: la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la NARRATOR: Inner ladle wile, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut a raft attar cordage, an ranker dough belle. ALL: Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong. WICKET WOOF: (Grammar voice) Comb ink, sweat hard NARRATOR: (whisper) setter wicket woof, disgracing is verse. (Normal) Ladle Rat Rotten Hut entity bet rum an stud buyer groin-murder's bet. LADLE RAT: O Grammar! NARRATOR: crater ladle gull historically LADLE RAT: Wood bag icer gut! A nervous sausage bag ice! WICKET WOOF: (Grammar voice) Battered lucky chew whiff, doling. NARRATOR: setter bloat Thursday woof, wetter wicket small honors phase. LADLE RAT: O Grammar, water bag noise! A nervous sore suture anomolous prognosis! WICKET WOOF: (Grammar voice) Battered small your whiff, sweat hard. NARRATOR: whiskered disk ratchet woof, ants mouse worse waddling. LADLE RAT: O Grammar, water bag mousy gut! A nervous sore suture bag mouse! NARRATOR: Daze worry on-forger-nut gulls lest warts. Oil offer sodden, caking offer carvers an sprinkling otter bet, disk hoard hoarded woof ceased pore Ladle Rat Rotten Hut an garbled erupt WICKET WOOF: (GARBLE, GARBLE, GARBLE, GARBLE) ALL: Mural NARRATOR and MURDER: Yonder nor sorghum stenches shut ladle gulls stopper torque wet strainers. ALL: Ladle Rat Rotten Hut. Tea Ant. As the performers sing, they kick the golf balls away from the screen until each GOLFER has seen most of the musical. WICKET WOOF disguises herself as GRAMMAR after he eats the old woman. When GOLFER hits the

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ball into the hole in the back right corner of the room, the ball goes back into the LATABORY, in the second small cube containing a crystal and laser. DOCTOR DOO, again, picks up each ball for analysis and then puts the ball into a tube on the left side of the LATABORY that leads to HOLE 7. HOLE 7: INFINITE HOT DOG The hole is a figure-8 infinite loop with hazards and gravity-defying loopy-loops along the way. The GOLFER remains on the outside of the figure-8 requiring left-handed players to play right-handed and vice versa. Along the path of the figure-8, the ball travels through shallow dishes of ketchup, mustard, and relish. The path of the hole is white when possible too exaggerate the colors of the condiments smearing as they roll. The track has other hazards and bridges made from hotdogs, hotdog buns, tomatoes, onions, whole pickles and cooking utensils like a spatula, a grill cleaner, the metal grate of a bar-b-q grill, charcoal briquettes, and an oven mitt. The figure-8 pattern creates 2 large circular performance spaces, 9 feet wide. The first circular stage is the GRILL, set like the top of a grill with giant charcoal briquettes underneath. The second circular stage is the PLATE and looks like a dinner plate. Outside of the figure-8 is the PANTRY, an area where supplies are stored including a giant spatula, a giant bottle of lighter fluid, a giant hotdog, giant ketchup, mustard, and relish bottles, big chunks of tomatoes, big pieces of chopped onions, and six pieces of cardboard fire. PENNY wears pajamas. BLORTUS wears a sloppy chef's hat, stained tight white shirt, and a cooking apron over his big beer belly. THE GHOST OF PETER wears pajamas beneath a translucent veil that goes down to the ground. The 3 members of the CHORUS are KETCHUP, wearing all red, MUSTARD, wearing all yellow, and RELISH, wearing all green. A small powered speaker plays a CD on loop. The loop begins with PENNY spinning and spinning in the middle of the GRILL until she actually gets dizzy. The CHORUS stands in the middle of the empty PLATE and sings to PENNY lovingly. BLORTUS rummages though the PANTRY, throwing things around and grumbling. THE GHOST OF PETER stays out of sight, but helps when needed in the PANTRY. CHORUS: BLORTUS: Round and round and round and round and round and round she goes. It's dinner time!

BLORTUS pulls out the makings for a giant hotdog dinner. He hands KETCHUP chunks of tomatoes. He hands MUSTARD chunks of chopped onions. He hands RELISH a giant pickle wedge. The CHORUS dances on the PLATE with the pieces of garnish as they sing to PENNY. CHORUS: Round and round and round and round and

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PENNY:

CHORUS: BLORTUS:

round and round she goes. Slow down, I gotta slow down, Im gonna slow down So I can ketchup with youooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo Here comes BLORTUS. He wants to engorge us. Im looking for something to eat. Oh what a treat for my belly. This food is so smelly for my Tum tum tum yum yum yum yum (eating sounds)

The CHORUS places the garnish appetizingly on the side of the PLATE and then they dance over to the PANTRY. BLORTUS carries the giant hotdog from the PANTRY and plops it down onto the PLATE. PENNY is enticed by the deliciousness of the hotdog and walks slowly toward it. BLORTUS arranges the food into a delicious dinner and returns to the PANTRY. PENNY steps onto the PLATE and falls into the giant hotdog. The CHORUS dances with the giant ketchup, mustard, and relish bottles watching PENNY from outside of the figure-8. The contents of the condiment bottles are red, yellow, and green felt and yarn. BLORTUS directs the dancing CHORUS of condiments with a giant spatula like a wizard conducting a symphony of sauces. PENNY: BLORTUS: Slow down, I gotta slow down, Im gonna slow down So I can ketchup with youooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo Im preparing succotash and herring, marmalade hummus and pie. deep fried O-Runge, a carrot, if available, fresh parrot, with parsley, sage, rosemary and salt (yum yum yum)

KETCHUP squirts ketchup (felt and yarn) onto PENNY and the hotdog. PENNY: I found a love, I relished this love.

RELISH squirts relish (felt and yarn) onto PENNY and the hotdog. PENNY So warm and so sweet, knocked me right off my fee-eeee-ee-eet. So easy to love, such tender love. Sweet nothings I heard, all the love I mustard

MUSTARD squirts mustard (felt and yarn) onto PENNY and the hotdog. PENNY For you, for you, for you, for you. Nothings gonna stop me now, from diving right on in. Nothings gonna stop me, from going out on a limb. Like it or not, youre just too freaking hot for this world, that goes without saying. Time after time you keep blowing my mind and God knows I wish I was playing.

PENNY straddles the giant hotdog. She humps the hotdog.

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PENNY

You, you dont wanna know what Im thinking. You, you dont even wanna know

BLORTUS is excited by watching PENNY have sex with the hotdog. PENNY thrusts harder and faster while BLORTUS intensifies as well. He steps onto the PLATE with PENNY. PENNY climaxes and lays next to the giant hotdog post-coitus cuddle style. BLORTUS hungers for PENNY and for his dinner. BLORTUS drags the hotdog and PENNY onto the GRILL. BLORTUS: KETCHUP: CHORUS: Theres only one thing on her mind Shes wanted something like this for such a long time And itll be the father of her child. And that will be the father of her child

BLORTUS squirts lighter fluid onto PENNY and the hotdog from the giant lighter fluid bottle. PENNY hugs the hotdog tighter. The CHORUS grabs the cardboard flames from the PANTRY. They dance frantically around the GRILL near the hotdog and PENNY while BLORTUS conducts demonically. BLORTUS: Turn up the heat! Gonna feel the burn. Turn up the heat! Gonna kill the germs Dont wanna share my meat with a worm. I can see you squirm, you worm!

THE GHOST OF PETER glides around the outside of the figure-8 toward the GRILL to save PENNY. He reaches for PENNY's hand from outside the figure-8. THE GHOST OF PETER: Step away from the fire, or you might get burned. Flames grow higher and higher, oh you gonna get burned BLORTUS: Turn up the heat. Won't share my meat, with a worm THE GHOST OF PETER tries to drag PENNY by the arm across the path of HOLE 7. PENNY is hot and confused. PENNY: Step away from the fire or Im gonna get burned. Flames grow higher and higher and higher. Oh Im gonna get burned THE GHOST OF PETER: Let her go! Let her go! THE GHOST OF PETER AND CHORUS: Blortus you cannot be serious just let her go-o! The CHORUS helps THE GHOST OF PETER pull PENNY off of the GRILL. The performers reset the stage quickly and repeat. HOLE 8: DOOMED ETERNAL (HOLDING PATTERN) A small circular rotating stage is in the middle of the hole. A yin-yang symbol is painted on the top of the stage. The hole functions to collect all of the GOLFERS into a single location on the course. The main stage area of HOLE 9 is easily

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visible from HOLE 8. Like a practice putting green, there are many holes for GOLFERS to hit into on HOLE 8. DOCTOR HOT and DOCTOR DOG wear long white lab coats and stand back-to-back on the rotating stage. Audio plays through the speakers on HOLE 9. The DOCTORS sing in unison through paper megaphones as they spin. DOCTORS Sometimes, you couldnt find your way. Sometimes Somewhere? (Ridiculously mispronounced) is hard to say. Vacant was the emptiness of DOOMED ETERNAL! Happy were the clouds inside your head. Little did you know, that all could go far, far away. When the day is starting over, over, and the night time reaches you, reaches you. You look away and long for tomorrow, because today you give away. You think hard but try not to remember. You feel hard but you try not to care. You think hard but try not to remember. That you feel hard and you try not to care. Everywhere is here and always is now, and all you feel are many things in a row. Some things are more clear than others today, some things you notice. The song is repeated until all of the GOLFERS have gathered at HOLE 8. The GOLFERS play HOLE 8 while waiting for the HOLE 9 performance to begin. HOLE 9: DELIVERY ROOM When the course opens, HOLE 9 is a very short skeeball golf game that spits the balls back onto HOLE 8. The performance on HOLE 9 occurs only once. It starts after all of the GOLFERS have gathered at HOLE 8. The concrete sidewalk in front of the sliding door of the WILD BEAST is the DELIVERY ROOM. Speakers are set up in front of the sidewalk so microphones can be used behind the speakers. Two tables are on either side of the DELIVERY ROOM. A microphone is propped in the center of each table. Three holes are cut out of both table tops. The holes are larger than a human head and small costumes are attached to rims of the holes. After the PUPPIES and BABIES sneak under the tables, they poke their heads through the holes fitting the costumes around their faces. The 3 PUPPIES costumes are attached to the STAGE RIGHT table and the 3 BABIES costumes are attached to the STAGE LEFT table. A table cloth with a large hole in the middle is held together with Velcro and hides the microphones and costumes on each table. Two stools sit on either side of the STAGE LEFT table where the PREGNANT DOG performers will sit. 4 pairs of headphones for use with M.T.BRAIN are placed at the back of the stage. The HOLE 9 performance is organized by time as follows: 9:00PM: HOLE 9 is a short skeeball game that spits the balls back to HOLE 8. 9:25PM: PREGNANT DOG is a single dog costume worn by two people. PREGNANT DOG enters the mini-golf course from the far corner of

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the Mark Taper Courtyard. PREGNANT DOG wanders casually around the entire course sniffing things and people. PREGNANT DOG walks through the HUT on HOLE 6 and interacts with GOLFERS and performers as an old dog would. PREGNANT DOG stops to scratch fleas, pees on tall objects, and tries to eat the food on HOLE 7. 9:35PM: PREGNANT DOG walks slowly toward the DELIVERY ROOM while BLORTUS carries the giant hotdog from HOLE 7 to the DELIVERY ROOM. The giant hotdog is sick. 9:40PM: DOCTOR HOT and DOCTOR DOG from HOLE 8, PENNY from HOLE 7 and KETCHUP from HOLE 7 put on wireless headset microphones. The 3 PUPPIES sneak under the table on STAGE RIGHT and the 3 BABIES sneak under the table on STAGE LEFT. The long table cloths hide the performers under the tables. PREGNANT DOG lies down on the STAGE LEFT table by placing its own belly on the table as the performers sit on the stools. BLORTUS places the giant hotdog on the STAGE RIGHT table and hovers around concerned. As soon as PREGNANT DOG and hotdog are placed on the tables, the PUPPIES and BABIES poke their heads through the holes, adjust their costumes, open the holes in the table cloths, uncover the microphone and wait. DOCTOR DOG slowly approaches the STAGE LEFT table from the sidewalk STAGE LEFT while DOCTOR HOT slowly approaches the STAGE RIGHT table from the sidewalk STAGE RIGHT. Both DOCTORS carry a large cerated knife in one hand. They are serious and focused. 9:42PM: The DOCTORS walk behind the tables and put on the headphones. The M.T.BRAIN sound card is rerouted by unplugging the outputs used on HOLE 2 and replacing them with cables connected to the HOLE 9 headphones and speakers. The rerouted M.T.BRAIN outputs, 2 table microphones, and speakers are quickly line checked before continuing. 9:45PM: The M.T.BRAIN Dog Play starts and DOCTOR HOT and DOCTOR DOG sing the music they hear in their headphones in unison.
DOCTORS: THIS IS A REALLY REALLY PREGNANT DOG A BIG DOG, A BIG BIG BIG FAT DOG LIES ON THIS TABLE. THIS DOG HAS BEEN FED. THIS DOG HAS BEEN BATHED. THIS DOG IS HAPPY, MELLOW, AND ABOUT TO EXHALE ITS FINAL BREATH IN FRONT OF US. THIS DOG IS FULL OF PUPPIES AND THOSE PUPPIES ARE PROBABLY SLIMY RIGHT NOW, BUT THEY CERTAINLY HAVE THAT PUPPY POTENTIAL WE KNOW AND LOVE THAT PUPPY POTENTIAL WE KNOW AND LOVE TO BE INCREDIBLY ADORABLE SOFT BUNDLEY BUTTONS OF PURE PUPPY PUPPINESS IN ALL PUPPITUDE BEYOND THE CUTEST CUDDLIEST PILE OF PUPPIES YOU COULD EVER RUB YOUR CHEEKS AGAINST. PROBABLY SIX TINY TONGUES SIT INSIDE SIX TINY MOUTHS OF SIX TINY PUPPIES THAT SNUGGLE INSIDE THE BELLY OF THIS BIG FAT PREGNANT DOG HERE IN FRONT OF US ON THIS TABLE. THESE TINY TONGUES JUST ITCHING TO BE SET FREE TO BE UNLEASHED ON YOUR FACES AND TO LIGHTLY TICKLE AND TUCKLE NIZZLE AND NUZZLE THEIR TINY WET NOSES

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AGAINST YOURS TO YOUR UTTERLY GIGGLEY DELIGHT. ENTER ME. THE DOG KILLER. THE PREGNANT DOG KILLER. NO I AM NOT PREGNANT. THE DOG IS PREGNANT. WELL, I SUPPOSE I COULD BE PREGNANT, BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS THE DOG IS VERY PREGNANT. AND I AM THE PREGNANT DOG KILLER. YOU WILL WATCH. OH YES YOU WILL WATCH. YOU WILL WATCH ME AS I TRANSFORM THIS LIVING PREGNANT FAT DOG INTO AN ONLY-TEMPORARILY BREATHING STAGE FOR OUR HUMAN PLEASURE FOR OUR CHEMICAL BRAINS TO IMAGINE ONTO THIS STAGE, A PLACE FOR OUR SYNAPSES TO TRIGGER AND OUR HORMONES TO BURBLE, FOR OUR ENDOGENOUS OPIOID P P P P PEP PEP PEP PEPTIDES TO SIMMER AND SIZZLE FROM NEUROTRANSMITTER TO NEURORECEIVER AND BACK AGAIN AND THE SMELL OH THAT SMELL. THE SMELL YOU DIDNT KNOW YOU KNEW. THE SMELL YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW YOU KNEW. THE SMELL OF GLANDULAR EXCRETIONS WILL FILL THIS ROOM. OH THIS SMELL IS USUALLY JUST BEYOND YOUR CONSCIOUS PERCEPTION, JUST BEYOND YOUR ACTUAL AWARENESS. USUALLY YOU INTERPRET IT IS AS AN INTUITION, BUT BECAUSE OF THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN ON THIS TABLE DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU, COMBINED WITH THE QUANTITY OF GLANDS HERE TODAY, AND THE AMOUNT I AM BUILDING THIS UP BEFORE HAND, COMBINED WITH THE AMOUNT I AM LETTING YOU IN ON WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN BEFORE IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS AS IF YOU THINK THERE IS THE TINIEST CHANCE I WONT KILL THIS DOG, WELL YOU ARE WRONG. YES THIS SMELL WILL BE IDENTIFIABLE AS A SMELL, NOT JUST A VAGUE IMPRESSION OR INTUITIVE FEELING OF A VIBE. NO THE ACTUAL HAIRS IN YOUR NOSE WILL MOST CERTAINLY PICK UP AND VIBRATE IN RESPONSE THE MICRO-GLOBULES OF BIO-CHEMICALS THAT WILL FLOAT INTO THE AIR THROUGH THE AIR AND THEN INTO YOU, YES YOUR NOSE, YES UP ALL OF YOUR NOSES YES YOU WILL UNCONTROLLABLY SUCK THOSE CHEMICALS OF INFORMATION RIGHT UP INTO ALL OF YOUR NOSES, AND THEY WILL RUB OH SO GENTLY AGAINST THE TINY SENSORIAL TICKLABLE SNEEZE-INDUCING HAIRS IN YOUR NOSE. YES HERE. WHERE WE HAVE GATHERED TOGETHER TO BE TOGETHER. WE WILL ALL SECRETE TONIGHT. AND THE SMELL OH THAT SMELL OF GLANDULAR SECRETIONS WILL FILL THIS ROOM: YOURS AND THE DOGS AND POSSIBLY ALSO THE TINY LITTLE CUTEY PATOOTEY PUPPIES INSIDE YES THEY WILL EXCRETE AND SECRETE TOO. BUT THAT WILL BE OH SO ADORABLE, WELL AT FIRST. OH AND OF COURSE, ME, YES, MINE, YES, YOU WILL SMELL MY PLEASURE. YES YOU WILL WATCH. YOU WILL EXPERIENCE MY EXCRETION. YOU WILL PROCESS THE CHEMICALS I WILL RELEASE INTO THE AIR AND YOU WILL PROCESS THE EVENTS YOU WATCH AND THE CHEMICALS YOU SMELL TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME. YOU WILL WATCH THE EVENT THAT CAUSES THE EXCRETION AND YES YOU WILL SMELL THE CHEMICAL RESULT OF THE EXCRETION. YOU YOURSELF WILL BE INTERNALLY EXCRETING IN RESPONSE TO WHAT YOU WATCH AND WHAT YOU WILL BE WATCHING IS WATCHING THIS PREGNANT DOG EXCRETE WHILE EXPERIENCING MY INEVITABLE ACTION. AND POSSIBLY ALSO THE TINY LITTLE PUPPIES INSIDE WILL EXCRETE AND SECRETE AS WELL. BUT THAT WILL BE OH SO CUTE, WELL AT FIRST. WHAT WILL THE DOG EXCRETE? YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING HMM, ARE YOU? AM I? NO. THIS IS INEVITABLE. I HAVE NO QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS DOG AND ITS DEATH OTHER THAN IMAGINING THE QUESTIONS YOU MIGHT HAVE. THE ONLY QUESTIONS I HAVE ARE THE QUESTIONS I THINK YOU MIGHT BE HAVING. DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS? I STILL THINK YOU THINK THAT I AM NOT GOING TO VIOLENTLY KILL THIS DOG. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WILL DO TO THIS DOG. I AM NOT QUESTIONING MY INEVITABLE ACTION. THIS IS ONLY THE

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BEGINNING. THE REAL QUESTION IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN AFTER THE DOG IS DEAD. INITIALLY, I SUPPOSE I WILL SCARE THIS CRAP OUT OF THIS DOG. YES THAT IS WHAT I WILL DO. WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY NOT? WHY NOT? WHY NOT? SIMPLY BECAUSE I CAN. BECAUSE HERE IS A DOG AND THIS DOG IS VERY VERY VERY PREGNANT AND FAT AND HAPPY AND BATHED AND FED AND I AM GOING TO KILL THIS PREGNANT DOG BECAUSE I AM THE PREGNANT DOG KILLER. SO ANYWAY, AS I WAS QUESTIONING. DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS? I STILL THINK YOU THINK THAT I AM NOT GOING TO VIOLENTLY KILL THIS DOG IN FRONT OF YOU ON THIS TABLE. BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WILL DO TO THIS DOG. I AM NOT QUESTIONING MY INEVITABLE ACTION. THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING. THE REAL QUESTION IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN AFTER THE DOG IS DEAD. THAT IS WHEN THE SHOW BEGINS. THE ONLY WAY TO NOT KILL THE DOG, IS TO KILL ME FIRST. AND I RECOMMEND YOU DO THAT SOON, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO SAVE THE DOG. BUT DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SAVE THE DOG? ARENT YOU A TINY BIT CURIOUS WHAT WILL HAPPEN AFTER THE DOG IS DEAD? I MEAN ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN. AND I THINK YOU STILL THINK THERE IS A CHANCE THAT I AM NOT GOING TO VIOLENTLY KILL THIS DOG IN FRONT OF YOU ON THIS TABLE.

9:50PM: PENNY from HOLE 7 is pregnant and in pain. She is being rushed from Hole 7 to the DELIVERY ROOM by the CHORUS members who help her walk. RELISH is carrying a pillow and puts in down in the area in between the two tables while MUSTARD and KETCHUP help PENNY to the ground. MUSTARD hands KETCHUP a lab coat and stethoscope. HOLE 7 PERFORMERS INTERRUPT DOG PLAY. MUSTARD: Come quick! Come quick, youre a doctor now! Come quick Come quick, She is sick, she is sick! DOCTOR KETCHUP: SICK! Oh no, Oh no! PENNY: Who am I? DOCTOR KETCHUP: You are pregnant. PENNY: Who am I? DOCTOR KETCHUP: You are pregnant. RELISH puts a blanket over PENNYs belly and legs and PENNY puts her legs on DOCTOR KETCHUPs shoulders. BLORTUS stands to the side of the giant hotdog, occasionally trying to take a bite. He is torn between saving the hotdogs life and eating the hotdog consoling while lusting. PENNY is in labor and the CHORUS comforts her, holding her hand, helping her breathe and wiping sweat off her face. DOCTOR KETCHUP occasionally inspects between PENNYs legs. PENNY: (I) dont even have any feelings anymore. Im just a vessel, an empty vessel for love, for love SO?

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DOG PLAY INTERRUPTS THE HOLE 7 PERFORMERS

DOCTORS: I HAVE BROUGHT WITH ME A HUGE KNIFE. I COULD ONLY FIND THE CERATED BREAD KNIFE AT MY HOUSE, THE BUTCHERS KNIFE WAS DIRTY, THE CERATED KNIFE WAS THE ONLY REALLY REALLY BIG KNIFE THAT WAS CLEAN THAT I COULD FIND AT MY HOUSE ON MY WAY HERE TONIGHT. I WAS TRYING TO THINK AHEAD AND BRING THE APPROPRIATE UTENSILS, AND WELL THIS IS THE BEST I COULD DO ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE AND IN SOME WAYS ITS PROBABLY BETTER THAN A BUTCHERS KNIFE BEING THAT ITS KIND OF DULL AND VIOLENTLY CERATED IT WILL DEFINITELY MAKE FOR A MORE PAINFUL AND DRAWN OUT AND LESS PRECISE KILL. THE DOG WILL PROBABLY WIGGLE AND WAGGLE MORE AND THE SKIN WILL HAVE TO REALLY GET YANKED BACK AND FORTH BEFORE REALLY COMING OFF THE BONE AND WELL IN TERMS OF DRAMA AND INTENSITY AND AND AND AND GENERATING DRAMATIC TENSION, IN A WAY IM GLAD THE BUTCHERS KNIFE WAS DIRTY. IM GLAD I DO NOT ALWAYS DO MY DISHES. ITS COMMON KNOWLEDGE ISNT IT? THAT THE DULLER THE KNIFE IS THE BETTER IT IS FOR EXAGGERATING THE HORRIBLENESS OF KILLING AN INNOCENT BIG FAT PREGNANT DOG WITH PROBABLY SIX ADORABLE CUTE LITTLE PUPPIES INSIDE JUST WAITING TO ROLL AROUND AND PLAY AND LET YOU TICKLE LITTLE WARM CUTE SOFT CUDDLY TINY PUPPY BELLIES.

During the next interruption, the DOCTORS kill the dogs by cutting them open. They peel back the dog skins slowly. DOCTOR DOG reveals three BABIES are inside the dead PREGNANT DOG. DOCTOR HOT reveals three PUPPIES are inside the giant hotdog. BLORTUS is shocked. HOLE 7 PERFORMERS INTERRUPT DOG PLAY PENNY: Who am I? DOCTOR KETCHUP: You are pregnant. PENNY: Who am I? DOCTOR KETCHUP: You are pregnant. PENNY: (I) dont even have any feelings anymore. Im just a vessel, an empty vessel for love, for love SO PENNY AND BLORTUS: FILL ME UP! CHORUS: What about the baby?!? PENNY: huh? Baby, what is a baby? Baby, what is a baby? DOG PLAY INTERRUPTS THE HOLE 7 PERFORMERS
DOCTORS: SO I DIP MY HAND INTO ITS WHEEZING CHEST. THE SKIN HANGS LOOSE AS WET AND SLOPPY PORTIONS OF HER INSIDES POUR POUR POUR POUR POUR POUR POURING OUT ONTO THE TABLE WITH A FLIP AND A FLOP AND SLIP AND A SLOP. BLOOD RUSHES AND SLUSHES ACROSS THE ROOM LIKE A SPILLED SLURPEE. OUR FEET AND BAGS AND CLOTHES AND HANDS BECOME QUICKLY COVERED IN THICK RED GOO. EVERYONE IS FROZEN IN SHOCK. ONE OF YOU HAS LIGHTLY GASPED, ANOTHER LET OUT A SLIGHT WHIMPER. SO I SAY, SHUT UP OR YOURE NEXT AND WAVE THE CERATED KNIFE IN THE AIR. BUT I AM KIDDING. AS I WAS SAYING,

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THE SKIN HANGS LOOSE AS WET AND SLOPPY PORTIONS OF HER INSIDES POUR POUR POUR POUR POUR POOR POOR THING HAS HOLES IN HER LUNGS. BLOODY BURBLE BASTARD BREATHS STRAIGHT THROUGH HER AIR BAGS MEANT TO BE AIR TIGHT THEY ARE FOR THEM TO PROPERLY FUNCTION ISNT THAT RIGHT, YOU FAT PREGNANT DOG ISNT THAT RIGHT? THOSE LUNGS DO NOT WORK AS WELL ONCE THERE IS A HOLE STABBED RIGHT THROUGH THEM POOR POOR POOR POOR POOR POOR THING CANT KEEP ITS BLOOD FROM SPILLING ALL OVER INSIDE OF HER. MESSY GUT BAG. YOUR LUNGS ARE PROBABLY FILLING WITH BLOOD WITH EVERY REMAINING SAD BREATH YOU TAKE DOG BIG FAT PREGNANT DOG. ISNT THAT RIGHT? DONT BE A BABY I SAY. DONT BE A BABY BIG FAT PREGNANT DOG. WELL LETS BEGIN, SHALL WE? (To the PUPPIES and BABIES) WE HAVENT EVEN YET MADE YET THE STAGE YET ON WHICH TO PERFORM THAT DOG-GONE SHOW NOW HAVE WE. YET. THESE WORDS I SING ARE MERELY THE STAGE DIRECTIONS USED FOR MANUFACTURING THE CORRECT PERFORMANCE, THE FUTURE PERFORMANCE, YOUR PERFORMANCE.

HOLE 7 PERFORMERS INTERRUPT DOG PLAY PENNY: (I) dont even have any feelings anymore. Im just a vessel, an empty vessel for love, for love SO PENNY AND BLORTUS: FILL ME UP! CHORUS: What about the baby?!? PENNY: huh? Baby, what is a baby? Baby, what is a baby? PUPPIES AND BABIES: Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah! CHORUS: Shhhh.... You need to slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down PENNY: (scared now) Baby, what is a baby? Baby, what is a baby? PUPPIES AND BABIES: Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah Ooo, wah-ooo-wah! PENNY: eee-eee-eee-eee-eee-eee-eee-eee-eee-eee-eeeeeeeeeeee! CHORUS: Shhh! Shhhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhhhhh! CHORUS: You need to slow down (slow down) You gotta slow down (slow down) Youre gonna [slow down So you can ketchup] PETER from HOLE 7 arrives without his veil PETER: PENNY: DOCTOR PETER: PENNY: DOCTOR PETER: PENNY: With ME-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE! Aaah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah KETCHUP: PUSH! EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE! Aaah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah KETCHUP: PUSH! EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE! Aaah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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DOCTOR KETCHUP delivers PENNYs real hotdog baby, cleans the baby and wraps it in tin foil. PENNY: Slow Down, I gotta slow down, Im gonna slow down CHORUS: oooo oooo ooo oo oooo oooo oooo ooo DOCTOR KETCHUP hands PENNY her newborn, PENNY sings to the baby. PENNY: So I can ketchup with you. Silence. Everyone freezes. The PUPPIES and BABIES sing an improvised segue of howls and cries and coos. The DOCTORS slowly unfreeze as waves of maternal affection for the PUPPIES and BABIES wash over them. BLORTUS unfreezes and puts his arm around DOCTOR HOT as the proud father of the hotdog PUPPIES. 9:55PM: All of the other PENNY and PETER couples from the other holes run to the DELIVERY ROOM, each PENNY coddles their own hotdog baby. One couple has twins and another couple has triplets. The PETERS help to carry the extra hotdog babies. The HIPPIES, DOCTOR DOO, LADLE RAT, MURDER, WICKET WOOF, and NARRATOR arrive to the DELIVERY ROOM forming a large family tableaux. DOCTOR KETCHUP removes the wireless headset microphone from PENNY. DOCTOR KETCHUP and DOCTOR DOO stand in between DOCTOR HOT and DOCTOR DOG. 4 DOCTORS in a row. Everyone freezes - The CLUB HOUSE attendant runs in front of the family with a polaroid camera and snaps a photo. DOCTOR KETCHUP and DOCTOR DOO stealthily put on M.T.BRAIN headphones placed at the back of the stage. DOCTOR KETCHUP helps DOCTOR DOO put on PENNYs wireless headset microphone. Many more hotdog babies magically appear so everyone on stage has a hotdog in each hand. All of the PENNYS look oddly at their babies. MUSTARD and RELISH arrange a giant baby changing zone on the ground in front of all of the PENNYS. The PUPPIES and BABIES make fart sounds. The entire cast sings to the hotdog babies on the ground while dancing in place. PETERS + BLORTUS: Baby dont smell like ketchup or mustard anymore ALL: No No No No! PENNYS, DOCTOR #1 and #2: Baby youre startin to smell just like a dirty underwear whore LADLE RAT CAST: Its no fun with a soggy bun! HIPPIES: Baby go boom boom! ALL: Boom Boom! Coochie Coochie Coo, Ga Ga HIPPIES: Baby go boom boom!

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ALL: Boom Boom! Coochie Coochie Coo, Ga Ga PENNYS: Throw the dirty bun aside PETERS: Put some ketchup on its hide DOCTORS, MUSTARD, AND RELISH: Put the clean bun down LADLE RAT CAST: Spread some mustard all around ALL: (make sounds that might entertain a baby) I am getting so HUNGRY! BIG LIGHT CHANGE PUPPIES, BABIES, and PENNY (as baby puppeteer) sing together, pleading for their lives. Everyone except the 4 DOCTORS lust hungrily to eat the baby hotdogs and when PENNY from HOLE 7 takes the first bite of her baby, an orgy of infanticide ensues. The 4 DOCTORS freeze. Everyone else brutally cannibalizes the hotdog babies leaving a huge pile of hotdog refuse in the middle of the DELIVERY ROOM floor. When the music ends (ANOTHER LIGHT CHANGE) everyone freezes like deer in headlights, caught red-handed by the audience for murder.