IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA "SWEET DEE BANGED THE WAITRESS"

Written by Chad Handley

Screwtape_jenkins_jr@yahoo.com 910 232 1677

COLD OPEN TITLE: 11:00 AM TITLE: On a Friday TITLE: Philadelphia, PA OVER TITLES MAC (O.S.) I just dont understand how youre so confident when youve never seen it. DENNIS (O.S.) Ive seen you at the urinal and Im definitely bigger than you. MAC (O.S.) Gross, dude. Are you in there peeking at my dick? FADE IN: INT. PADDYS PUB - DAY MAC sits at the bar. DENNIS is behind it cleaning glasses. FRANK sits at a table reading a newspaper. DENNIS I dont need to look at your dick. Ive just seen you whizz and you dont use your hands. So? MAC

DENNIS So that means youre getting an angle off your balls. Your dick doesnt go past your balls or else youd have to hold it to keep from peeing down your legs. No hands in the urinal is a dead giveaway to a small package, bro. MAC Maybe I just have huge balls. Charlie bursts in out of the back room. He laughs maniacally as he approaches the others; a sinister gleam in his eyes. CHARLIE Whats up, guys? My friends. My pals. My bros. Mac and Charlie are put off by Charlies eerie mood.

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DENNIS Whats up, Charlie? CHARLIE Oh, whats up with me? I think the real question is, whats up with you? MAC Dude, what are you talking about? DENNIS Yeah, Im sensing a little hostility, here. You got that gleam in your eye like youre about to shoot something. CHARLIE (yelling) Oh, Im about to shoot something! Im going to shoot in your face and all over your ass! MAC What the hell did we do? CHARLIE You banged the waitress! DENNIS That was like two years ago! CHARLIE (yelling) Last night, dude! You banged the waitress last night! And dont try to deny it because my spy saw the waitress take somebody home from a bar last night! And I know it was one of you! Its always one of you! FRANK I didnt do shit, bitch! DENNIS Whoa, everybody calm down. What exactly did your spy say? CHARLIE He said the waitress got hammered last night and left a bar with this tall, lanky, blonde dude. Dennis and Mac share an amused look. DENNIS Tall, lanky, blonde dude? Does that describe anybody here? I mean Im more chiseled and Mac is Ripped MAC

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DENNIS - I was going to say brunette, but whatever. And Frank is kind of whats a nice word for hobbit? Ghoulish? MAC

DENNIS Not ghoulish. Cherubic. FRANK Who you calling a cherub, bitch? MAC You definitely have a fat, baby angel thing going on over there, bro. DENNIS The point is, we description. And getting a little suspicious of us dont fit the frankly, dude, Im tired of you being all the time.

CHARLIE Well, I mean, you have all knowingly banged the woman I love. MAC Yeah, dude, but how many times have we tried to help you bang her? DENNIS Seriously. I mean we paid her, we told her you had cancer, we did that stupid play. Weve bent over backwards trying to get you in that chicks pants. Charlie, a bit chastened by Denniss speech, calms down. CHARLIE Yeah. Youre right. Im sorry. You guys are good friends. Charlie walks over and takes Mac and Dennis in a group hug, which they try to squirm out of. CHARLIE (CONTD) I shouldnt doubt you guys. I mean if I cant trust the people in here, you guys and Frank, and Dee, who can I trust? DENNIS Okay. Stop touching me. Charlie releases them from his hug. Looks around the bar.

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CHARLIE Where is Dee, anyway? CUT TO: INT. THE WAITRESSS APARTMENT - DAY Looking down at THE WAITRESS and SWEET DEE, in bed together, naked under the covers. Both stare up at the ceiling in a state of wide-eyed shock for a long, uncomfortable beat. CUT TO: MAIN TITLES TITLE: SWEET DEE BANGED THE WAITRESS TITLE: ITS ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA INT. PADDYS PUB - DAY Mac and Dennis watch as Charlie walks sullenly through the bar in a bathrobe. He unscrews the top of a salt shaker, pours salt directly into his mouth. Mac walks over, snatches away the salt shaker. MAC Okay, thats it. Charlie, seriously. You have to just bang this chick and get her out of your system once and for all. CHARLIE How, dude? How? Ive tried everything. DENNIS Charlie, shes an alcoholic. Follow her to a bar, wait till she passes out drunk, carry her home and sleepbang her. CHARLIE What? I cant sleep-bang her. That sounds like rape. DENNIS No, guys, weve been over this. Its only rape if she says no. And she cant say no in her sleep. CHARLIE (thinks) Well, I cant argue with your reasoning.

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MAC (convinced) Seems like hes thought this through. CHARLIE But, dude, I dont want to just sleep bang-her. I mean, someday when were married, sure Ill tenderly, lovingly bang her while shes sleeping, but... I want to romance her, I want to wine and dine her. I want her to fall in love with me. Mac and Dennis stare at him for a beat. DENNIS (overlapping) No chance any of that happens unless shes drunk out of her mind. MAC (overlapping) Shed need to be super-hammered for any of that to be remotely possible. CHARLIE (overlapping) Probably not a good chance of any of that going down when shes sober, right? Charlie paces the bar, thinks. CHARLIE (CONTD) Well, I dont know. I dont think Ill sleep-bang her. But what Ill maybe do is follow her to this new dudes house. Lock them both inside, set the place on fire, maybe burn them alive a little bit? DENNIS (overlapping) Works for me. MAC (overlapping) As long as I never have to hear about her again. CHARLIE Okay, Im going to go. Charlie runs into Dee entering just as hes about to leave. Dee gasps and pins herself against the doorway. She flinches as if fearing Charlie is going to punch her. CHARLIE (CONTD) Good morning, sunshine.

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SWEET DEE Hey, Charlie. Charlie takes in her strange attitude. CHARLIE Whats going on with you today? SWEET DEE (too eager) Nothing! Nothings going on with me. I just overslept. What about you? How are you? Hows your life? CHARLIE Uh, not so good actually. The waitress is banging somebody new, so... Im probably going to track them down and kill them both. And maybe myself. I dont know, well see what happens. Okay. SWEET DEE

They stare at each other for an awkward beat. CHARLIE Okay. Catch you later. Dee wanders towards the bar in a daze. Mac and Charlie take in her unkempt hair and clothes. DENNIS Jesus. Look what the cat drug in. MAC Seriously, Dee, you look like stepped-in shit. You get wasted last night? SWEET DEE What? No! I went right home to bed. Why, you heard different? They lie, whoever says differently from that. DENNIS Dee, I saw you stagger into some bar at like one in the morning. You totally got hammered last night. SWEET DEE Guys, just leave me alone. Im having a bad day. DENNIS Okay, fine. Lets leave her alone, no-hands. What? MAC

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DENNIS No-hands. Its my new nickname referring to your tiny situation down there. MAC Okay, thats it, bro. Theres only one way to settle this. DENNIS Yeah, but I dont really want to do that. MAC Honestly? Me either. DENNIS Because, I mean to really compare... MAC Wed both have to get hard... DENNIS And put them right next to each other... MAC Could develop into a whole sword fight situation... DENNIS Whole operation just kind of reeks of gay... MAC We could get Dee to do it! Mac starts to unbutton his pants. MAC (CONTD) Dee, come into the bathroom. Im going to show you my dick. SWEET DEE What? Gross. No way. DENNIS Yeah, dude. Thats my sister. So? MAC

DENNIS So, she hates me. Shed totally short me a couple of inches out of spite. We need somebody objective. Frank stumbles in, his hands down his pants, in obvious pain. The others look away in disgust.

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MAC Oh, Jesus, Frank. FRANK My junk is on fire. DENNIS I dont care! Take your hand out of your pants! FRANK I cant. I think I caught something. It feels like theres a million fire-ants tearing into my ball sack. DENNIS Told you about banging those strippers. MAC Yeah, you been banging some gross chicks lately, dude. FRANK It wasnt the strippers. I used rubbers with the strippers. Im starting to think it may have been the waitress. Sweet Dee drops and breaks a glass. SWEET DEE Oh, Sweet Jesus no... The others stare at her. SWEET DEE (CONTD) I mean, no, it couldnt be the waitress. You banged her months ago. FRANK That doesnt matter. Some of these things can hibernate and lie dormant for years. My jungle rot only bothers me during lent. Anyway, the waitress was the last chick I plowed bareback. SWEET DEE You didnt use a condom with the waitress?! MAC Why would he use a condom with her? DENNIS Yeah, Dee. Shes not a prostitute.

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SWEET DEE (escalating panic) Wait, none of you used a condom with the waitress?! Mac and Dennis share a confused look. MAC (overlapping) Of course not! DENNIS (overlapping) What kind of question is that? Dee starts to hyperventilate. SWEET DEE Oh god oh god oh god... DENNIS What is your probDennis realizes something. Stands to his feet in shock. Points at Dee. DENNIS (CONTD) Tall, lanky, blonde dude! Mac smells what Dennis is cooking. MAC She fits the description perfectly! SWEET DEE What description? I dont fit any description. DENNIS You banged the waitress last night! SWEET DEE No, I didnt. I didnt. MAC Wow. Who knew the waitress was into chicks? DENNIS In fairness, bro, she probably had no idea she was dealing with a chick. Mac gestures unflatteringly towards Sweet Dee. MAC And youre saying that because of the broad shoulders and the facial hair? Sweet Dee touches her top lip.

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SWEET DEE I dont have facial hair... DENNIS Exactly. She probably had no idea she was with a woman until she popped that shirt off. MAC And even then, theres nothing on that chest to indicate gender one way or the other. SWEET DEE Okay, shut up! Okay, listen, without commenting on your crazy conspiracy theories, I think we should all go to the clinic and get checked? DENNIS Why? I feel fine. SWEET DEE You heard Frank. Some of these things can go without symptoms for years. MAC Why would I go to a doctor if I dont have symptoms? SWEET DEE Because you could give it to somebody else. Mac and Dennis share a bewildered look. MAC (overlapping) Why would I possibly care? DENNIS (overlapping) How is that my problem? SWEET DEE Okay, look. You guys are having a dong contest, right? As part of the check-up theyd probably measure your junk. And whos more objective than a doctor? Dennis presses a finger to Sweet Dees lips. DENNIS Shhhh... Dee. I just had a thought. Mac, at those check-ups, the doctor would probably have to measure our dongs.

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SWEET DEE Were playing this game again? MAC And whos more objective than a doctor? Dennis and Mac high five. Head for the door. Im in. DENNIS

MAC You coming, Frank? FRANK Yeah, let me get my gun. END FIRST ACT EXT./INT. FREE CLINIC - DAY Dennis, Dee, Mac, and Frank sit in the waiting room. The others look on in disgust as Frank has his hands down his pants, audibly scratching away. Seconds of shocked silence go by before anyone can muster a word. My. God. MAC

DENNIS Can you at least go over your pants? FRANK (still scratching) Hey, walk a mile in my crabs... why dontcha... before you judge... A NURSE approaches. NURSE Dennis Reynolds? Dennis hops up. Thank god. DENNIS

Dennis follows the Nurse into the back. Shoots Mac a confident look as he goes. INT. FREE CLINIC - EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY The Nurse opens the door for Dennis.

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NURSE The doctor will be right with you. As soon as the Nurse closes the door, Dennis drops trou. Starts pleasuring himself just underneath camera. The DOCTOR enters, so preoccupied with his chart he doesnt notice. DOCTOR Mr. Reynolds. How are we feeling today? DENNIS Shhh! Just give me a second. The Doctor washes his hands, his back still to Dennis. DOCTOR No need to be nervous, Mr. Reynolds. Weve seen it all here. DENNIS Hey, guy. You mind? Kind of hard to focus with a dudes voice in my ear. The Doctor finally turns to Dennis. DOCTOR Focus on whaa-HEY! What the hell are you doing? Dennis creepily maintains eye-contact with the Doctor while still going at it. DENNIS Getting ready for the exam. The Doctor shields his eyes from Dennis junk. DOCTOR Its not that kind of exam. Please put your fully erect penis back in your pants. DENNIS How am I supposed to do that? I mean, look at it. DOCTOR Just, do it quickly please. Dennis starts working it harder. DENNIS Well, bro, if youre in a hurry then Im going to have to finish up.

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DOCTOR No! No hurry. No hurry at all. Ill be back in 15 minutes. The Doctor backs out of the room, shielding his eyes with his chart. INT. FREE CLINIC - EXAMINATION ROOM - LATER Another examination room. Frank is still scratching away as the Doctor enters. DOCTOR Frank Reynolds? The Doctor extends his hand for a shake, notices Franks hand down his pants and smoothly withdraws the offer. DOCTOR (CONTD) What can I help you with today, sir? FRANK Doc, Im dying over here. I got the ball rot something awful. You gotta help me. The Doctor backs away from Franks pleading gestures. Turns to put on a pair of latex gloves. DOCTOR Well, were here to help. Why dont you just tell me exactly what the problem is. The Doctor turns around, to find Frank as naked as the day he was born. The Doctor shields his eyes. DOCTOR (CONTD) Okay. Thats... not how this goes. From behind, Frank pulls a Mrs. Robinson. We get a face-full of his naked ass as he puts his foot on the gurney and gestures towards his crotch. FRANK See all this discoloration all through here? I mean some of that was there before, but DOCTOR - All right at this point Im going to cut you off, and Im going to ask you to stop talking and put your clothes back on. FRANK Whats the problem? Id think a guy in your profession sees this every day.

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The Doctor has his eyes closed and is backing towards the door. DOCTOR I have never dreamt of anything like that, sir. Nor has anyone, outside of the Book of Revelations. FRANK What, its a little discoloration, couple open sores, few boils. Nothing to get all nervous about. DOCTOR Yeah, Im going to go throw up about... something else. The Doctor scurries out the door, shutting it behind him. Pansy. FRANK

INT. FREE CLINIC - EXAMINATION ROOM - LATER Mac sits politely waiting for the Doctor. The Doctor knocks, then a second later opens the door a crack and peeks in. DOCTOR Mr. McDonald? Are we decent? MAC Its just Mac, bro. Yeah, whats going on? Relieved Mac is clothed, the Doctor eases in. He is careful not to turn his back to Mac. DOCTOR What do you need today? MAC Nothing special. Just a routine exam. Are you okay, dude? You look like youve seen a ghost. DOCTOR I wish. So, Im going to turn around here and wash my hands. He stares at Mac for a long beat. Mac is confused. MAC Okay. Go for it. DOCTOR And when I turn back around, will you by any chance be naked? MAC Do you need me to be?

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DOCTOR No. Can you not be? MAC Why would I get naked? I dont see how thats necessary. DOCTOR Good. So Im going to turn around and wash my hands now. He holds a look on Mac, but doesnt move. MAC Yeah, good luck with that. Assured, the Doctor turns to wash his hands. him as he starts to relax. DOCTOR Okay, sorry. Just.. Its been a weird morning. Anyway. Any specific concerns before we get started? MAC (O.S.) Not really. Oh, I did bring a tape measure, because Ive got some wicked curve action going on and I dont want to be penalized for that, so - And also, is there a standard starting place? Because I prefer bottom of the shaft, just over The Doctor drops his head. Slams off the water. DOCTOR - Okay. Your dick is out, isnt it? Camera reveals Mac behind the Doctor vigorously working himself over. MAC You bet it is. DOCTOR And its erect? MAC Like you wouldnt believe. The Doctor rips off his lab-coat. DOCTOR Thats fantastic. I quit. Mac watches him walk out. Extends his tape measure in his direction. We stay with

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MAC Bro, you gonna grab the other end of this thing, or what? INT. FREE CLINIC - EXAMINATION ROOM - LATER A new, LADY DOCTOR sits in front of us, patiently explaining. LADY DOCTOR Just to be absolutely, perfectly clear. This part of the visit is just question and answer. The physical part of the examination, if necessary, happens afterwards. Okay? Now, lets get started. Total number of sexual partners? We JUMPCUT between Dee, Frank, Mac, and Dennis as they answer her questions. SWEET DEE Wow. Can I ballpark it? FRANK Like, regular chicks or regular chicks and whores? DENNIS Around 100, I guess. LADY DOCTOR 100 sexual partners in your life? DENNIS Oh, in my whole life? Jesus, let me think. MAC Like hand and mouth stuff or just straight penetration? SWEET DEE We talking number of boyfriends or just total number of dudes I banged? LADY DOCTOR Total number. DEE How am I supposed to have been able to keep up with that? Im not a computer, lady. Frank is counting on his hands. Stops. FRANK Like if I was in an orgy, does everyone in the orgy count or just the ones I was inside of?

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LADY DOCTOR Is this hypothetical? No. FRANK

MAC Like just the ones I would admit to or like even the gross ones? DENNIS Im going to have to get back with you. LADY DOCTOR Thats fine. Have you recently engaged in any risky behavior? Again, we JUMP CUT between responses. DENNIS - did have a brief period as a male prostitute SWEET DEE - kind of a fling with a high school kid MAC - dated a tranny for a while FRANK - dry-humped the shit out of my niece SWEET DEE - kind of a toothless, elderly, North Korean gentleman DENNIS - again, statutory. Statutory. And the charges were dropped, so MAC - pre-op, but she kind of taped it back during the actual SWEET DEE - Also there may have been a retard in there somewhere FRANK - Handjob from the same niece MAC - Banged my best friends mom a few times Off the Lady Doctors horrified look:

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SWEET DEE - Slow your roll, Captain Judgmental. I said may have been a retard. DENNIS - Weird kind of glory hole incident with my dad. No fluid exchange or anything The Lady Doctor has her hands in her ears. LADY DOCTOR Okay. Please stop. Well just mark that down as a big yes. Okay, have you shared partners with anyone who has engaged in risky behaviors? MAC Yes. With Dennis and Frank. LADY DOCTOR How many partners? MAC All of them. DENNIS Is it sharing if I bang them first? SWEET DEE Well, there is one girl actually. Thats who were here about. LADY DOCTOR And you think you might have contracted something from this girl? SWEET DEE Probably. I mean shes a total hobag. LADY DOCTOR And whats her name? Dee goes quiet. SWEET DEE Her.... name.... MAC Wow. I should know this. DENNIS I dont understand the question. LADY DOCTOR The girl that all of you think you contracted a disease from.

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Yes.

DENNIS

LADY DOCTOR What is her name? DENNIS Still not following you. FRANK The Waitress? LADY DOCTOR Thats not a name. SWEET DEE I want to say it starts with a W. Wendy...? Wanda...? Waitress? Thats it! FRANK MAC LADY DOCTOR MAC

LADY DOCTOR Thats not a name. Oh, right. MAC DOCTOR this straight. All had intercourse with none of you know her

LADY So, let me get of you bang... this girl, and name?

MAC Wow. Check out the attitude on this one. FRANK Its not that we never knew her name, we just cant remember it. DENNIS Not like I married her. SWEET DEE How about this? Maybe if you got laid more you wouldnt be such an unbelievable bitch. The Lady Doctor stands up.

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LADY DOCTOR Okay. Verbal examination over. Mac watches the Lady Doctor walk away. MAC Whoa? At what point do you measure our dong size? Dennis looks up as the Lady Doctor answers the same question for him. LADY DOCTOR At no point. Of any medical examination. Ever. Dennis hops up angrily. DENNIS Goddamn waste of my time - ! INT. FREE CLINIC - WAITING ROOM - DAY Dennis storms out angrily. Mac, Sweet Dee, and Frank are already out there. DENNIS They dont even measure dongs at this piece of shit free clinic. Dennis heads immediately for the door. follows him. Mac gets up and

MAC Told you, bro. Get what you pay for. DENNIS Lets get out of here. SWEET DEE Dont you even want to know if youve caught something DENNIS (overlapping) Again with that stupid question... MAC (overlapping) How does she still not get this... Dennis and Mac leave just as the Lady Doctor walks in. LADY DOCTOR Where are they going? SWEET DEE Never mind them, whats the prognosis?

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LADY DOCTOR Well, weve taken all your labs. But, as a group, Id say you engage in the most shockingly unsafe behavior Ive come across in 9 years at this clinic. Id expect to hear some bad news this week. Frank and Sweet Dee deflate. EXT. STREET - DAY Charlie, wearing a tuxedo shirt, top hat, fanny pack, and monocle, and carrying a cane, follows the Waitress at a short distance. She gets suspicious and looks behind her. Charlie quickly grabs a magazine from a nearby rack and hides behind it. The Waitress walks off and disappears behind a corner. Charlie drops the newspaper and gives chase. As Charlie rounds the corner, the Waitress is waiting for him. She shoves a cell phone in his face. THE WAITRESS You have 10 seconds to get 100 feet away from me, or Im calling the police and telling them youre violating the restraining order. CHARLIE (horrible British accent) Uh, Charlie Kelly? Who is Charlie Kelly? I am a fancy gentleman from Londontown. THE WAITRESS I didnt say Charlie Kelly. CHARLIE (caught) Good. Because thats not my name. THE WAITRESS So, whyd you say it? CHARLIE Its just a name. THE WAITRESS Just a name? CHARLIE Sometimes I say names. THE WAITRESS You just randomly say names. Of the person I have a restraining order against. Who looks just like you.

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CHARLIE Can I get a do over? THE WAITRESS Ten, nine... CHARLIE Okay, please just let me buy you a drink THE WAITRESS - Eight, seven CHARLIE Well, just tell me what you want to drink and Ill buy it! THE WAITRESS - Six, five... Im dialing... CHARLIE Can I just talk to you for a second please? THE WAITRESS Four, ... anything you say to me you can say from 100 ft... three... CHARLIE If I get 100 ft away, youll hear me out? THE WAITRESS Lets say yes. Two, one... CHARLIE Okay, okay, okay. Charlie walks backwards while counting off his steps. CHARLIE (CONTD) One, two, three... When he gets about 20 feet from her, the Waitress walks away and disappears around another corner. Charlie hasnt noticed as hes deep in concentration on his counting. CHARLIE (CONTD) Ninety-nine, one-hundred. He looks up to talk to her as if shes right there. CHARLIE (CONTD) Okay, I just want to... Well this isnt going to work, no way she can hear me from way over... He reaches into his fanny pack, pulls out a small pair of binoculars.

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He scans the crowd, finally picking up the waitress as shes walking into a church. He scans with his binoculars. A sign reading Noon AA meeting is on the placard outside. He drops his binoculars. Oh, shit. EXT. STREET - DAY Dennis and Mac walk down the street, deep in conversation. MAC Im just saying, dude. Your system doesnt take into account relative ball size. Ive seen your sex tapes. Your balls are like commas. Theyre super tiny. A baby dick would hang past those things. Whereas Franks balls are like a couple of eggs in some wrinkly gray panty-hose. Hed need like a two foot dick to hang past those things. DENNIS Ill admit that there are some outliers at the very young or old end of the spectrum. But for normal guys our age, its 99% accurate. MAC How do you know? How many dicks have you seen? DENNIS Tons of dicks, bro, tons of dicks. Lexington Steele. Mandingo. Mr. Marcus. All of those dudes dicks hang way past their balls. MAC Of course they do! Theyre all porn stars. (beat) And theyre all black porn stars. Whats with that? DENNIS (guilty) Stick to the point. MAC The point is, you dont know if those guys hold it or not at the urinal. CHARLIE (CONTD)

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DENNIS Of course they do! The kind of pressure that builds up in one of those things, itd be like trying to use a fire-hose with no hands. MAC Youve got a point there. Dammnit, theres got to be some way to test your system without Just then, a large BLACK GUY and a shorter ASIAN GUY walk into a public bathroom right in front of them. Dennis and Mac share a conspiratorial look. inside. INT. MENS ROOM - DAY Mac and Dennis walk in, glance at the Asian Guy and Black Guy at the urinals. They go to the sink, pretend to wash their hands as they watch the two behind them in the mirrors. The Asian guy unzips, goes NO HANDS. hands. The Black guy uses two Follow them

Dennis shoots Mac a smug look. Mac angrily motions Dennis into a large, handicapped stall. INT. MENS ROOM - HANDICAPPED STALL - DAY Mac and Dennis shut themselves inside. They speak at full volume. MAC That doesnt prove anything. DENNIS Dont be a sore loser, dude. MAC Its too small a sample size. For all we know that Asian could be huge and that Black guy could be tiny. DENNIS A huge Asian? Come on. And did you get a look at that big black son of a bitch? I bet that thing is like a can of Colt 45. Face it dude, the system works. MAC The system does not work. Look, well do this scientifically. Well scope out this bathroom. (MORE)

25. MAC (CONT'D) Count up the black guys who use their hands versus the Asians that dont.

DENNIS Asians or Jews. MAC Yeah, Jews would also work. Okay. Deal. Mac and Dennis exit the stall, to see the Black guy and Asian guy staring at them angrily. They heard every word. Dennis and Mac are struck silent. DENNIS Not you guys... MAC A different Asian and black guy... The Black Guy and Asian guy approach angrily. DENNIS Oh, shit... INT. CHURCH - DAY An Alcoholics Anonymous meeting is in progress. A MAN is at a podium in the front of the room, pouring his heart out about his recovery. Charlie slithers in, his new Cowboy disguise being just a cowboy hat, boots, and a plain white T-shirt with the word Kowbouy printed on it. Hes carrying a large paper bag. He spots The Waitress a few rows up, is careful to sit out of her eye-line. The Man walks off to a round of applause, and the GROUP LEADER replaces him at the podium. GROUP LEADER Thats the real stuff, man. Thank you. Okay, now wed like to welcome back a wayward sheep. She strayed from the fold but shes back again. We havent seen her for a while but shes in it for the long haul this time. Ill let her introduce herself, but lets welcome her home. A round of applause as the Waitress walks behind the podium. Charlie ducks down as she squints her eyes in his direction. WAITRESS Thanks, Tom. Wow, uh... where to begin. (MORE)

26. WAITRESS (CONT'D) Well, I havent been taking my recovery seriously for a while now, and...

GROUP LEADER Who are you? More chants of Who are you from the crowd. The Waitress laughs at herself. WAITRESS Wow, it has been a long time. Okay, uh.. My name is Charlie stands up and interrupts her. CHARLIE Objection! Point of order! All present turn towards Charlie in shock. GROUP LEADER Uh, sir, glad to have you here, but we dont interrupt when another member is sharing. CHARLIE Absolutely. Im totally behind that. I just need to have a word, before this goes on. WAITRESS Oh my god. Charlie? CHARLIE No, it is not me. Im a cowboy. And you said my name first this time so you cant prove its me. Outsmarted you, there. GROUP LEADER Okay, sir? Youre being extremely rude. CHARLIE Youre being extremely rude. The lady and I were talking. WAITRESS Charlie, get the hell out of here! GROUP LEADER Yeah, sir if you cant behave yourself Im going to have to ask you to leave. CHARLIE Well, Im going to have to ask you to leave. See, we could go back and forth all night or you could just let me make my point.

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The Group Leader gestures towards two HUGE GUYS. GROUP LEADER Deandre. Mike. Could you escort this gentleman outside? Charlie picks up his bag, backs away as DEANDRE and MIKE approach. CHARLIE Hold on. Look, you guys talk about how terrible alcohol is, but what about all the good its done? Look at me, Im a bar janitor. Think of all the other bar janitors like me whod be out of work without alcohol. Deandre and Mike run at Charlie. He feints and jukes, cuts up aisles to stay out of their grasp. CHARLIE (CONTD) How many of us wouldnt have even been born without alcohol? Im only here because my mom got hammered and Frank banged her. Who knows all the fun stuff that could happen if everybody in this room got hammered right now. Deandre and Mike corner Charlie. He pulls out a beer out of his paper bag. CHARLIE (CONTD) Who wants a little taste? Deandre and Mike back away from Charlie as if he just pulled out a piece of kryptonite. GROUP LEADER Are you serious? You brought beer to an AA meeting? CHARLIE Always do, bro. And this time I brought enough for everybody. Charlie starts tossing beers into the crowd. CHARLIE (CONTD) You get a beer. You get a beer. You get a beer. Some swat the beers down. Some grab the beers and ravenously open them. Get him! Deandre runs out. GROUP LEADER

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DEANDRE Man, I only got two weeks clean. I cant handle this. Several people crack open the free beers, start chugging them down. Guys, no! GROUP LEADER The Waitress grabs her things,

The meeting turns to chaos. runs for the door.

Charlie converges on her, opens a beer can and extends it to her. CHARLIE Come on, one beer. Come on! WAITRESS Get away from me! The Waitress sprints out the door. END SECOND ACT INT. PADDYS PUB - NIGHT Dee enters, turns on all the lights. CHARLIE (O.S.) Hello, Deandre. Dee nearly jumps out of her skin. She makes out Charlie sitting in shadow at a table in the middle of the bar. She cautiously approaches him, tries to hide her panic. SWEET DEE Hey, Charlie. Why are you sitting in the dark? CHARLIE Just waiting. For what? SWEET DEE

Charlie turns to the light. We can make out now that hes polishing a REVOLVER. For you. CHARLIE

Sweet Dee backs away. SWEET DEE Oh, Jesus. Is that Franks gun?

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Yup.

CHARLIE Dee backs into the

Charlie stands and advances towards Dee. bar. Collapses to her knees.

SWEET DEE Okay, wait. Charlie let me explain. I was drunk. I was drunk out of my mind. I dont even remember what happened, or how it happened. Please, just, dont kill me... Oh god... I think I just shit myself. CHARLIE Im not interested in your excuses, Deandre. SWEET DEE Yep. Definitely just shit myself. Charlie walks right up to Dee. Dee closes her eyes. CHARLIE I need you to lock up for me. Dee opens her eyes. Charlie is extending her his set of keys. CHARLIE (CONTD) I locked up for you that time you had a thing. You owe me. Dee hops to her feet. SWEET DEE Lock up for you? Absolutely. Absolutely I will. That is no problem. You have a hot date tonight with the Waitress? Charlie polishes the gun with a blank look of rage in his eyes. He motions towards an AA flier on the bar. CHARLIE No, that didnt work out. But my spy found out the location of the new AA meeting the Waitress is going to. Im just going to go over, get the name of the person who banged her last night. And then Im going to have a little talk with them. SWEET DEE Shes going to tell you the name of the person she slept with? Tonight? CHARLIE She sure is. See you, Dee. Charlie walks away, lovingly cradling the revolver.

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Dennis and Mac, nursing fresh bruises and cuts, walk in and come face to face with Charlie. Charlie just shoots them both a blank, crazed look. They raise their hands and part, fearfully clearing his way. Charlie walks out of the bar without a word. Mac and Dennis limp towards Dee when Charlies out. MAC Holy shit, was that Franks revolver? Yes. SWEET DEE

DENNIS Did he find out you banged the waitress? SWEET DEE Not yet. I mean - no! I didnt bang the waitress! DENNIS Dude, you better get your shit and get out of town. For all you know he killed Frank to get that gun. MAC Yeah, youre next Dee. Seriously, youre on borrowed time. SWEET DEE Shut up - How many times do I have to tell you that I didnt.... He wouldnt kill Frank, would he? DENNIS He absolutely would. MAC With no hesitation whatsoever. Dee thinks for a second. She drops the keys on the bar and sprints out. SWEET DEE I gotta go. Mac and Dennis watch her run out. DENNIS Think she makes it? MAC Shes a corpse. Anyway, dude. You ready to call this thing a draw?

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DENNIS No way! You forfeit and I win. Remember I was ahead one Black to one Asian. Mac starts unbuttoning his pants. MAC Okay, thats it! It is on. Not to be outdone, Dennis starts unbuttoning his pants. DENNIS Thats how you want it, bitch? Both lose their nerve halfway in. away in a fury. MAC Goddamnit! Goddamnit! DENNIS Theres gotta be some way to... MAC! What? MAC Button back up and walk

DENNIS No, MAC. Move-in After Completion. Your system of banging my leftovers. Mac realizes Dennis point. MAC Those chicks have seen us both. We just need to find one and ask them. DENNIS Yeah, but those chicks hate me, bro. MAC They hate me, too. DENNIS Yeah, but you just caught them on the rebound. They were using you, too. I used them first. Theyll hate me more. MAC Okay, who has banged both of us, and who hates us both equally. They both happen to glance down at Charlies discarded AA flier, on which is scrawled, in crayon, WAY TRES. Dennis and Mac share a knowing look.

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INT. CHURCH - DAY The Group Leader from the previous meeting speaks to a sparse crowd. GROUP LEADER Again, for those of you present at the St. Marks incident, we apologize. Hopefully things will go smoother tonight. Charlie, disguised with a thick, drawn-on mustache and a curly afro wig, slouches down in his seat near the back, avoids the Group Leaders searching eyes. GROUP LEADER (CONTD) So, if were all clear, then were just going to pick back up where we left off. The Group Leader gestures towards the Waitress, who stands and heads to the front of the room. WAITRESS Hi, guys. Sorry again about yesterdays incident. Always somebody who wants to drag you back to the bottom. But were not going to let that stop us, right? A weak round of applause from the audience. WAITRESS (CONTD) Okay. Well, my name is Just then, Dennis and Mac burst into the room. Charlie ducks down when he sees them. DENNIS (overlapping) Question! Question! MAC (overlapping) Over here! Wheres the line for questions! The Group Leader stands in front of them. GROUP LEADER Hey. Guys. There is no question and answer during a members share. DENNIS Nobodys talking to you right now, okay? MAC Waitress, we need you to settle something for us.

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The Waitress buries her head in her hands. WAITRESS Unbelievable. GROUP LEADER Guys, seriously, if you have something to say to her, it can wait until after the meeting. DENNIS It absolutely cant. MAC Huge emergency. WAITRESS FINE! Just hurry up and ask your question and get out of here! MAC Thank you. Okay. Miss... the Waitress. Which one of us, myself or Mr. Reynolds here, has the bigger package? The Waitress looks confused. What? WAITRESS

DENNIS (impatient) The bigger dong! Who has the bigger dong?! Come on! The Group Leader stands to protest. GROUP LEADER Are you kidding me? This is an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Dennis and Mac gently grab him by the shoulders, push him back into his seat. DENNIS And were totally behind that. One hundred percent. Just pipe down and let her answer the question. MAC What a jackass. Well? DENNIS

WAITRESS How the hell am I supposed to know? Mac, we never even had sex!

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MAC Oh, thats right. I forgot we didnt go through with it. DENNIS Are you kidding me? How do you forget that? MAC (to Waitress) But, hey! I showed it to you that time! Remember? You were on the phone with your mom, and I put it on your shoulder..? GROUP LEADER Okay, get the hell out! A group of guys gets up and pushes Dennis and Mac out of the door. Charlie ducks down and hides his face as they pass him. Mac and Dennis call out as they are given the bums rush. MAC Come on, just give us a name! DENNIS Just pick one! Dennis and Mac are shoved out, and the door shut behind them. The Group Leader walks to the front of the room and tries to restore order. GROUP LEADER Sorry, folks. Look, why dont we take a quick break, and then WAITRESS - No! Im fine. Lets keep going. I need to get through this. GROUP LEADER Are you sure? Yes. WAITRESS

The Group Leader reluctantly sits. The Waitress takes a deep breath, then WAITRESS (CONTD) Okay. My name is Suddenly, Sweet Dee bursts in the door, carrying a bag of beers. SWEET DEE Awww shit! Look who brought the booze! Dee starts tossing beers into the crowd.

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WAITRESS Are you serious?! SWEET DEE Im totally serious, beers for everybody! Waitress, why dont you just shut your stupid mouth and quit talking about old shit and come grab you a cold one? You know you want to, Drinky. Mac and Dennis burst in the room again. MAC Come on, just tell us! DENNIS Just answer the question. The Group Leader stands, absolutely fed-up. GROUP LEADER Get them the hell out of here! Charlie, furious, leaps to his feet. CHARLIE Unbelievable, dude. What are you guys doing here! I almost had the guys nameMAC What are we doing here? What are you doing here? Dennis takes in Charlies drawn-on mustache and afro-wig. DENNIS And whats with the Gene Shallit get-up? CHARLIE What? No, Im Lando Calrissian. DENNIS Boy, that just does not read at all. MAC Not even close. SWEET DEE I was going to say Gabe Kaplan. Maybe Alex Trebek, tops... GROUP LEADER Get out of here! CHARLIE Yeah, get out of here!

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GROUP LEADER You too! You in particular! A few members of the group stand and push the Gang towards the door. Charlie pushes against the tide. CHARLIE Come on, sir. Im just trying to find out who banged my friend up there! DENNIS You seriously havent put that together yet? Sweet Dee grabs Dennis mouth. Drags him out. SWEET DEE Hey! Shut up! Weve been asked to leave! The Gang is shoved out of the room. The door is shut and locked behind them. EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER The Gang is pushed out onto the street. They stand and gather themselves. CHARLIE Unbelievable. You guys screwed me again. I almost had that guys name. MAC Charlie, just get over it. DENNIS Yeah, buddy, we need you to do us a favor. CHARLIE I am not looking at you guys dicks! MAC Come on, dude! The Waitress walks out and joins them on the street. WAITRESS Well, thanks assholes. You just got me thrown out of Alcoholics Anonymous. MAC What? What did we do?

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WAITRESS Well maybe because you keep following me around and handing out beer at all the meetings. SWEET DEE Holy shit, thats hilarious. WAITRESS Oh, is it? Is it hilarious. Heres something else hilarious. Charlie Sweet Dee dives on the waitress. SWEET DEE Im just playing, girl. You know how close we are. Sweet Dee pulls the Waitress into a close whisper. SWEET DEE (CONTD) (whisper) Bitch, you say one word to him and I will cut you open. I swear to Christ I will end you. The Waitress pushes Sweet Dee away. WAITRESS Get away from me! Why do you smell like shit? Seriously? DENNIS

SWEET DEE So, I shit my pants a little. Frank suddenly runs towards them, waving papers in his hands. FRANK There you are! Guys, I got good news. I just heard back from the clinic. Were clean! Dennis and Mac barely seem to care. DENNIS Okay. Whatever. MAC Cool, I guess. FRANK Yeah, you guys came out totally clean, and I just had a little poison ivy. Frank looks at Charlie holding his gun.

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FRANK (CONTD) Is that my gun? CHARLIE No, its your spare. Frank digs another revolver out of his pocket. Looks at it like he forgot it was there. FRANK Oh, okay. Just put it back in the fridge when you get home. SWEET DEE So, were clean? Were not burnt? FRANK Oh, uh. Sorry, Deandre I just meant we had good news for the guys. Actually, you came back positive for the Clap. They say you probably got it from that North Korean guy. Deandre takes the results from Frank. SWEET DEE What?! Are you kidding me?! None of you use condoms and I get the clap? The Waitress backs away from the group, starts hyperventilating. WAITRESS You have the clap? Oh, God. Oh my god, no. Charlie cant understand the Waitress panic. CHARLIE I dont get it, why do you care if Sweet Dee has.... Charlie looks over Dee carefully. CHARLIE (CONTD) Tall, lanky, blonde dude. Everyone else goes still as Charlie puts it together. Then, they all BREAK FOR IT, running away as fast as they can. Dee gets knocked over in the scrum. Falls at Charlies feet. He looms over her. sound is heard. She grabs her stomach when a flatulent

SWEET DEE Im gonna have to burn these pants.

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END EPISODE)