Boruch Hashem

Marital Harmony
Insights into promoting harmony between a Jewish husband and wife

FROM THE TEACHINGS OF

THE REBBEIM OF CHABAD

" " "

Compiled and translated by Rabbi Yehoishophot Oliver

Boruch Hashem Contents One should only rebuke ones wife with soft words ..................... 2 Differences of opinion between husband and wife ....................... 3 Dont emphasize your spouses faults ........................................... 4 Benefit of compromise in marriage .............................................. 4 Torah observance bolsters peace in the home .............................. 5 Promoting family unity through joint Shabbos meals.................... 6 Faith in Moshiach helps marital harmony ..................................... 5 Conditions for proper family life .................................................. 6 How to approach obstacles to marital harmony............................ 7 Exerting a positive influence on ones husband ............................ 8 Opposition to marital harmony at the end of exile........................ 9 Considering the similarity of ones wife to the Jewish people ........ 9 Willingness to compromise ........................................................ 10 One should only rebuke ones wife with soft words Dont speak to your wife with harsh words. This will cause dispute and strife, and your goal will not be attained. Rather, speak with soft, calm words, as one speaks to his friend, and explain how one should not act in this manner, all in a soft manner, and then you

Boruch Hashem will have an impact, and the goal will be fulfilled. This is crucial and very fundamental. Sefer HaSichos 5703, p. 233. Differences of opinion between husband and wife Chazal say that everyone has a different opinion (Berachos 58a). This implies that despite this, true peace is attainable and necessary between every single Jew, and all the more so between husband and wife, for when they act according to Torah and Mitzvos, Chazal say that the Divine Presence rests in their midst (Sotah 17a). Only after the couple is blessed with children who reach the age of education does the concern that the couple may disagree about how best to educate their children become practically relevantin other words, only after a number of years. But by this time their opinions will certainly have changed. Likewise, children bring tremendous emotional intimacy between their parents, and one cannot know at the outset the nature of this change and the extent of this intimacy. Based on our faith, one should harbor strong hope that this intimacy will occur to a great degree. Even if differences of opinion remain, they can reach a compromise

Boruch Hashem between themselves, and their house will be an everlasting edifice. Likkutei Sichos, Vol. 24, p. 467. Benefit of compromise in marriage I hope that over time you will you will reach the conclusion that [in marriage] sometimes one should compromise, and through a small compromise one can gain a great deal. Igros Kodesh, Vol. 5, p. 81. Dont emphasize your spouses faults Until Moshiach arrives, no one exists without faults. Thus, it is clear that just as one spouse has a fault, so does the other, and just as one would not want ones own faults to be emphasized, so should one not emphasize and amplify the faults of the other. This is the way all Jews should relate to one another, but this applies all the more when relating to your husband, who is the father of your children. My intent is not to criticize, but merely to draw your attention to the fact that your situation is not as forlorn as you present it, and it is not unusual, as it appears to you.

Boruch Hashem Each of you should ignore certain things, and is preferable that each of you find ways to bring peace in the home. Once this is attained, this is the vessel through which Hashem will provide blessings and success, good health, livelihood, and nachas from the children. Igros Kodesh, Vol. 5, p. 61. Faith in Moshiach helps marital harmony When one considers the fact that we find ourselves at the end of the age of exile, close to the true and complete redemption (may it happen speedily in our days) when the feminine aspect will be dominant over the masculine, this very awareness fosters respect and care towards ones wife. Igros Kodesh, Vol. 6, p. 202. Torah observance bolsters peace in the home You must found your home on true foundations of Torah. This is not only important for the Neshama to succeed, but also for the body to succeed, and it makes no difference whether you understand this. This is comparable to one who obeys the directives of a great professor, and the person benefits from doing so even if he doesnt know the reason behind the directives. This

Boruch Hashem applies all the more to instructions from the Creator, Who is the Healer of all flesh. ... You should not forget the main pointthat you must bring peace between the soul and the body, for this will immensely facilitate peace in the home. Igros Kodesh, Vol. 5, p. 224-225. Promoting family unity through joint Shabbos meals One of the first steps toward promoting family unity is to strengthen the custom for the entire family to eat a joint meal on the night of Shabbos. Letters from the Rebbe, Vol. 3, p. 135. Conditions for proper family life A proper family life demands from the man, and even more so from the woman, more attention to be devoted and refined, which most cost much time and energy. ... A proper family life according to Torah requires understanding, effort, devotion, patience, a good heart, cleanliness, calmness, an orderly appearance, a happy mood, a smiling face and friendly behavior. This is the way that both the husband and wife should behave, but in the majority of cases, this depends upon the

Boruch Hashem woman, for The wisdom of women built her home (Yeshaya 44: 13)the woman builds the home. Igros Kodesh Admur HaRayatz, Vol. 5, pp. 57-59. How to approach obstacles to marital harmony The very fact that you encounter so many obstacles to maintaining peace in the home demonstrates that this is one of your main tasks in life. It is implicit in the words of the Arizal, and explained in Chassidus, that the souls of these generations were already in this world, and they are coming back in a reincarnation, with the main purpose of rectifying areas that were lacking in the observance of the 613 Mitzvos in previous incarnations. Obviously, these souls are also obligated to follow all the 613 Mitzvos, even those in which they did not fall short in a previous incarnation. The difference is that when it comes to Mitzvos in which they did not fall short the previous time, the evil inclination does not mount as much opposition. It only presents enough difficulties so that free choice will remain, for in these matters, the person has already been refined in previous incarnations. In contrast, in areas in which they were lacking on previous occasionsi.e., in which their portion in this world and in the part

Boruch Hashem of the soul connected to these worldly matters was not refined the evil inclination fights with maximum force. Igros Kodesh, Vol. 5, p. 39. Exerting a positive influence on ones husband When it seemssometimes perhaps with justificationthat ones husband could be on a higher level, one should take into consideration that Hashem has already decided upon this match long ago. Thus, just as when one detects a fault in oneself, the solution is not to cause oneself pain, but to seek painless ways to rectify the fault, so should it beand to an even greater degree between husband and wife. For ultimately it is hard to know what the other person is going through, and the difficulties that he went through in past years. However, when he sees his wifes softness and firm sense of trust in Hashem, the husband will then regard the entire world in a different light, and see that Hashem is the master of the entire world, and of their personal home in particular, and its environs. This will then put one in a good, joyful mood. Experience shows how worthwhile this approach would be even for your own sake, for this approach brings warmth and calmness to a

Boruch Hashem degree that far outweighs the effort required to compromise and forgive. Igros Kodesh, Vol. 9, pp. 119-120. Opposition to marital harmony at the end of exile I would imagine that you will encounter the most obstacles [in the area of self-rectification] in the realm of peace in the home, for it is known that peace is great, and the ways of the entire Torah are pleasant, and all its paths are peace. This opposition is particularly great in this final exile, which, as mentioned in the Gemara (Yoma 9b) befell us because of lack of peace. The closer we approach the time of the end of exile, the greater the opposition of the other side to prevent peace in the world in general, and between husband and wife in particular, for they are comparable to Gd and the Jewish people, respectively. However, the load is according to the camel, and Gd surely grants one strength to overcome this test. Igros Kodesh, Vol. 4, pp. 422. Considering the similarity of ones wife to the Jewish people When one thinks about ones wife, one should always keep in mind that the entire Jewish people and every individual Jew is

Boruch Hashem referred to as the wife of the King of all kings, the Holy One, blessed be He. When we offer requests from Hashem that He relate to the Jewish peoplewhom he refers to as My beloved oneby fulfilling their requests for the good, we should know that an arousal from above depends upon an arousal from below. Thus, this is also the way that one should treat ones wifeas the Talmud says (Yevamos 62b), one should honor ones wife more than oneself. Igros Kodesh, Vol. 6, pp. 201-202. Willingness to compromise We find that Rochel was ready to compromise [and give up being buried with Yaakov Avinu in the Mearas Hamachpelah] in order to be of assistance to her children. This is the main quality that every proper Jewish woman should have, whose role is to serve as the main part of the home. Likkutei Sichos, Vol. 30, p. 239.