5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness
1. RESPECT FOR OTHERS AND SELF
Respect—Not Deference
Respect is honoring basic human rights.
Deference is the unquestioning approval of what others think or do
regardless of knowledge/experience simply on the basis of being older,
more powerful, or richer.
Self-Respect and Self-Caring

Set limits on what you are willing to do for others.

Evaluate situations to distinguish imaginary fears from the
genuine possible consequences and deal realistically with
alternatives instead of getting overwhelmed by them.

Be realistic about what you can accomplish.

Don’t let yourself get so outraged that you hurt others and
consequently disappoint yourself.

Allow yourself to feel good about small gains in skills.

Forgive yourself for reverting back to more familiar nonassertive
or aggressive behavior.
5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness
2. DIRECTNESS

Communicate feelings, beliefs, and needs directly.

Hinting is indirect and nonassertive.
 I.e. yawning when friends stay longer than you want.

When people don’t take our hints, we usually get angry.
 I.e. “Why should I have to tell him to take out the garbage; he
should know!” or
 “Why should I have to tell her what I want; if she really cared
about me she’d know and do it without my asking!”

This is expecting others to mindread and gives the other person
all the decision-making power. Others often don’t know what we
want because we haven’t asked for it.

Aggressiveness can be indirect because it often does not clearly
communicate what someone is upset about or wants. The
message the receiver often gets is not the one that the aggressive
person is trying to send. The receiver often gets stuck on this
message and then never figures out what the aggressor wants.
5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness
The Balancing Act: Respecting Self and Others
Example: Dissatisfied with the paint job on the garage
Assertive Example:

“There are parts of the garage door that are still rough—I’d like
those sanded down more before you put the primer on.”

Shows respect for yourself and respectful correcting the painter’s
right to be corrected without being put down.
Aggressive Example:

“You’ve done a sloppy job of sanding the door. I’m paying you good
wages, and I expect good work. Do it right for a change.”

Implies that the painter is lazy and dumb. Even if this appears
incompetent by your standards, that’s not really relevant. What is
relevant is that you are dissatisfied with the work and want it redone.
It also shows no respect for the other person (the painter).
Nonassertive Example:

Keeping silent about your dissatisfaction, or

“I know you know your trade a lot better than I do. But these spots
over there—aren’t they kind of rough?”

Shows no respect for yourself.
5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness
3. HONESTY
Assertive Honesty

Expressing yourself in ways that accurately represent your
feelings, opinions, or preferences without putting down yourself
or others in the process. It is not saying everything.
Nonassertive Honesty

Expressing yourself by cutting yourself down.

I.e. Job applicant when asked why they applied for the job, said,
“This is the only job I heard about, so I applied.”
Nonassertive Dishonesty

Lying.

I.e. Saying you don’t mind chatting when really you’re tired.
Aggressive Honesty

Saying what you think without considering the effect.

I.e. “If I was as fat as you, I’d go on a diet.”
Aggressive Dishonesty

Using your anger to cover up less personally acceptable
feelings, such as hurt, worry, affection. This often happens
when you are only aware of your immediate anger and not the
secondary feelings.
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5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness
Emotionally Honest I’m worried that with our different tastes
Assertion
in furniture, we’ll never be able to find
anything we both agree on.
Emotionally Dishonest I guess that couch is nice, but I don’t
Nonassertion think that you really like it. So, let’s not
get it.
Emotionally Dishonest I guess that couch is nice, but I don’t
Aggression think that you really like it. So, let’s not
get it. How could you possibly like that
couch? You have absolutely no taste in
furniture. You’d better leave all furniture
decisions to me.
5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness
4. APPROPRIATENESS
The context, whether assertive or otherwise, includes the:

Location—where
 Usually private vs. public.

Timing—when
I.e. Not when the other person is absorbed in another activity
(watching
a football game).
 How much—take time for emotional discussions
• I.e. Don’t start when on your way out the door.
 As soon as possible
• I.e. Tell the waiter immediately you’re in a hurry instead of
waiting until halfway through the meal.
 Consider your emotional state
• I.e. Give yourself time to sort out your reactions.

5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness 5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness

4. APPROPRIATENESS (continued) 5. BODY LANGUAGE
The context, whether assertive or otherwise, includes the:
It is not only what we say, but how we say it that affects how we

Intensity (firmness) come across and how others react to what we say.
 Become increasingly firm when others persistently ignore your
Body language is up to 80% of what we communicate.
assertions and violate your rights.
Consider how saying “I don’t agree with you,” communicates

Frequency different messages depending on body language.
 Use repetition to emphasize a point, but don’t overuse. Body Language Body Language Message
 I.e. Overuse of “I want” statements can give the impression of Face flushed with anger, “I don’t agree with you,
being only interested in what you want.
shaking head disgustedly from dummy. Push me and you’re

Nature of the relationship. in big side-to-side, contemptuous trouble.”
 Don’t use the same statements with everyone. tone of voice. (Aggressive)
 I.e. You might say “no thanks,” with no explanation to a phone
solicitor, but not without an explanation with a co-worker asking you
to cover their desk while they take a break, or to a friend who asks Even tone of voice, direct “I mean what I say, I don’t eye
to get together. contact, speech pattern is agree with you.”
expressive. (Assertive)

Ingratiating tone of voice, “I don’t have any right to say

this. hand covering mouth, Disagree with me and I’ll feel
averted eyes. (Nonassertive) stupid and crumble.”

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Assessing Your Body Language--Awareness 5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness
Eye Contact

Assertive body language is congruent with what is being said
verbally, adds strength and emphasis to what is being said, and is
generally self-assured. Assertive Aggressive Nonassertive

Aggressive body language conveys an exaggerated sense of self-

importance, overbearing, strength, and/or an air of superiority. Comfortably direct Looking down nose Looking away/down

Nonassertive body language conveys weakness, anxiety, and

lack of self-confidence. It softens the impact of what is being said
verbally to the point that the verbal message loses most of its
power. This is particularly true when the person’s verbal message Open, frank, relaxed Staring off into Blinking rapidly
and body language are in conflict with each other. distance with bored
 For example, laughing when saying, “I’m really angry with expression
you.” In general, when there is such a discrepancy between a
verbal message and a body language message, the body
language message is taken more seriously.

Use the following system to check your body language:

OK = Satisfactory level

S = Some improvement needed

L = Lots of improvement needed

5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness 5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness

Voice/Speech
Facial Expression
Expression
Assertive Aggressive Nonassertive Assertive Aggressive Nonassertive

Open, frank, relaxed Clenching teeth Constant smiling Appropriately firm Overly rapid Overly soft

Flaring nostrils Smiling, laughing, or Appropriately warm Deadly quiet Mumbled

winking when
expressing irritation

Jutting jaw Biting or wetting lips Expressive, Overly loud or strident Whiney
emphasizing key
Pursed, tight-lipped Swallowing or clearing words
mouth throat
Clear Sarcastic or Monotone
Tensing and wrinkling condescending
forehead Overly slow

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 5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness 2 Ways of Changing Your Body Language
Gestures
Assertive Aggressive Nonassertive 1. Become aware of and change negative thoughts about
Well-balanced Pounding fists Covering mouth or yourself that can cause you to use less effective body
lower face with hand language.
Standing/sitting erect Standing/sitting stiff Constantly shifting
and rigid weight 2. Give yourself simple instructions, such as, “Look at the
Relaxed Finger wagging Excessive head other person,” or “Relax and stop frowning.”
nodding
Hand gestures, Shaking head as if Fidgeting with clothing,
Practice better eye contact by looking at yourself in a
emphasizing key words other person isn’t to be jewelry, or hair mirror and practicing assertive statements.
believed
Hands on hips Scratching or rubbing
head
Wringing or rubbing
hands
Wooden body posture