Choice v10n1 Issue0312 VyZimkQS

R o m a n t i c r o a d b l o c k s r e l at i o n s h i p s i n o r g a n i z at i o n s c o r e c o m p e t e n c e
Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com
Coaching Client Relationships

Its all about skills, attitudes and choices
Family Relationship Coaching Challenge The Conscious Relationship Transformational Relationships at Work
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1 MARCH 2012 www.choice-online.com
choice magazine
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
cover story
22

Its all about skills, attitudes and choices By Frankie Doiron
25 Family Relationship Coaching

UFC: ultimate family coaching challenge! By Diana Sterling
33 G.R.A.C.E. At Work
A model for transformational workplace relationships By Eric de Nijs
29 The Conscious Relationship

Coaching singles and couples to experience lasting love By David Steele
37 Climb To The Summit!

Significance lives in relationships By Joan O. Wright
columns
international eye 19
Bravo Latinos!
The future looks bright for the coaching profession in Latin America By Damian Goldvarg
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39
perspective 39
One Relationship = All Relationship
Five essential clues to successful relationship coaching By Lisa Murrell
impact 41
Romantic Roadblocks
The intersection of life and relationship coaching By Kat Knecht
corporate leadership 45
Its Complicated
Coaching relationships in organizations By Jen Todd
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45
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
upfront
5 choice thoughts
departments
7 choice feedback 8 contributors

PUBLISHER Garry T. Schleifer, PCC, CMC MANAGING EDITOR Janet Lees ART DIRECTOR Michele Singh EDITORIAL BOARD Carol Adrienne Teri-E Belf Laura Berman Fortgang Rich Fettke Debbie Ford C.J. Hayden Dorcas Kelley Pamela Richarde Phil Sandahl Iyanla Vanzant BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT DIRECTOR Garry T. Schleifer
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11 choice books
Making Love Work
Two books that will help you help your clients in their relationships By Kat Knecht
BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT CONSULTANT Jenna Burrow PUBLISHING & BUSINESS COACH & CONSULTANT Brad Stauffer
47 industry news
The Missing 12th Core Competence of Coaching
Empowering our coaching profession to be sustainable and have a greater impact on the world an open letter to the ICF President and the Global Standards Core Team By Sylvia Becker-Hill
OPERATIONS MANAGER Joleen OBrien CUSTOMER SERVICE, COMMUNICATIONS & WEB SERVICES Kelly Williams, VA www.kellywilliamsva.com PRODUCTION MANAGER Joleen OBrien PROOFREADER Ally Gaynor
Canadian Office: 2285 Lakeshore Blvd. West, Suite 807 Toronto, ON, Canada M8V 3X9 Phone/Fax: 1-800-553-3241 US Office: PO Box 942 Bodfish, CA 93205
12 coaching tools
Products Reviewed:
Mother Hennas Coloring Book for People of All Ages Soul Notes & Inspire Me Magnets The Art of the HeartSell Conversation TimeTrade.com WishList Member By Sandra de Freitas & Marcy Nelson-Garrison
ICF-NE Gratitude Awards
Coaches recognized in several categories
50 final say
Put Your Own Mask On First!
Why we should care for ourselves before caring for others By Maggie Currie
The views presented in this magazine are not necessarily those of choice Magazine Inc. Copyright 2012. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without written permission is prohibited. Printed in the USA March 2012 Issue.
15 sticky situations
Situation: My client is struggling with relationships
By Carol Adrienne, Craig Carr & Victoria Trabosh
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choice (ISSN 1708-6116) is published quarterly for $39.95 US per year by choice Magazine Inc., 2285 Lakeshore Blvd. West, Suite 807, Toronto, ON, Canada M8V 3X9. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: choice, PO Box 942, Bodfish, CA 93205
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
choice thoughts
From The Publisher
While preparing for this issue

about relationships, I couldnt help but think of the impact of relationships related to the success of choice, the magazine of professional coaching.Without relationships with the team who brilliantly create choice, the writers who espouse their wisdom within the covers, the companies who reach out through the various avenues of sponsorship and of course you, our readers, who enjoy and learn from choice we would not exist. We at choice have been developing relationships for almost 10 years. Our latest and greatest relationships are with our Premium Partners. To call them advertisers would be an understatement. We, of course, value all of our advertisers at choice. However, Premium Partners are those who have made a full-year commitment to choice for advertising across multiple platforms. These Premium Partners receive more exposure,
not only from their increased advertising presence with choice, but also through editorial, Expert Series and Multi-Media opportunities. Through their relationship with choice, these Premium Partners reach our 15,000-plus-member community with their message and services. Our Premium Partners for 2012 are: Coaches Console, Kate Steinbacher and Melinda Cohan, www. coachesconsole.com inviteCHANGE, Janet Harvey, MCC www.invitechange.com Limbic Coaching, Sylvia Kurpanek, www.limbic-coaching.com Journal Engine, Frame of Mind Coaching, Kim Ades, www.journalengine.com and www.frameofmindcoaching.com MHS Inc, Judy Lees, www.mhs.com The Paper Room Institute, Jeb Bates, www.paperroominstitute.com Practice Pay Solutions, Neil Alcala,
www.practicepaysolutions.com Another recent relationship we have developed is with Kelly Williams, virtual assistant. Kelly is a great support for our outbound communications and customer service. She can be reached at kelly@kellywilliamsva.com. We at choice continue to look at how we can improve all of our relationships in order to be of service to our community and our profession. I welcome you to enjoy this issue of choice, the magazine of professional coaching, while taking a look at each of your own relationships to see how you can improve them and those of your clients to be the best they can be.
Garry Schleifer, PCC, CMC
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
choice thoughts
From The Managing Editor
Relationships. We all have them, and we all want to improve at least some of them. For professional coaches, relationships hold even more significance, because coaches must not only deal with their own personal relationships, but also help their clients deal with relationship issues. Then theres the coach/client relationship, which adds yet another layer to the complexity of relationships. In this issue of choice, our relationship experts present articles designed to help you improve your personal relationships, your relationships with your clients, and your clients relationships with others. Our feature section opens with Frankie Doiron explaining how coaches can help clients overcome relationship challenges by examining skills, attitudes and choices. Next up, Diana Sterling looks at family coaching as a powerful personal development path via a structured coaching program that moves the client towards greater clarity, offers new resources to create unheard-of possibilities, allows different ways of viewing the problem and gently guides them into the coaching space of personal transformation all in the midst of their pain, however intense. David Steeles article examines the conscious relationship as a means of creating lasting love. Eric de Nijs presents an interactive, relational model for the workplace using five key components whose initials form the acronym G.R.A.C.E: Goodwill, Results, Authenticity, Connectivity and Empowerment. And in our final feature, Joan O. Wright explains how the Summit Advance Model helps us recognize personal and professional relationship patterns that may either hold us back, or become the launching pad for success and even significance. Many of our columns and departments in this issue also provide insight into relationships. In our corporate leadership column, Jen Todd outlines valuable lessons for coaching relationships in complex organizations. Kat Knecht, our regular book reviewer, takes on the impact column with an article about romantic relationships as the intersection between life and relationship coaching. And Lisa Murrell outlines her perspective that, from a systems point of view, how your client interacts with you as the coach can tell you everything you need to know about how they are in all of their relationships. Our book review and sticky situations departments also deal with the relationship theme. We hope you will have at least one a-ha moment as you read this information-packed issue of choice, and that you come away better prepared to deal with the many relationships and aspects of relationship you are faced with as a coach.
Janet Lees, B.Journ.
choice feedback
RE: choice V9N4 Dec. 2011 choice Magazine is one of the most important periodicals I read. It is the only publication that speaks directly to coaches to help us improve our practices, our business and our lives. I coach many emerging coaches and I tell them that choice ismandatoryreading for them. The fact that I occasionally get to contribute to the rich content you offer is icing on the cake. Writing for choice both challenges me and inspires me. Thank you for that. Deborah Grayson Riegel, MSW, PCC
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I wanted to thank you again for choosing to run the article I wrote. I am working on expanding the concept right now and would be happy to field any questions that readers have should they want more information. One person has indicated the article is quite dense and has so much information I should turn it into a larger piece. Readers can email me at dslande@comcast.net for more information. Deb Lande
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Congratulations! I just received my copy and read it cover to cover. This is such a great issue so very helpful andinspirational. I cannot express to you how proud I am to be part of this important publication. Dr. Maria Church, Co-Founder, LoveBased Leadership Consultants
generous gift of a subscription to choice Magazine and the selection of back issues to the recent annual
conference of The Ontario Association for the Application of Personality Type (OAAPT). Our members were very interested to learn about choice Magazine and delighted that you supported OAAPT through your donation. OAAPT members are supporters of the use of type and temperament assessments to help their clients learn more about themselves and others and are very appreciative of networking and learning opportunities to expand their repertoire of tools to help their clients and choice Magazine is very representative of a good, Canadian, learning tool. Denise Hughes On behalf of OAAPT Board of Directors
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RE: choice Multi-Media Expert Series, 6 Easy Steps to a LinkedIn Profile That Will Attract Coaching Clients, Nov. 22, 2011, by Donna Schilder
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VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
contributors
departments & columns

Carol Adrienne, PhD, is an internationally-known author, intuitive counselor and life coach whose books have been translated into over 15 languages. As a master numerologist, workshop leader and life coach, she has helped thousands of people eliminate negative patterns, providing them with lifelong tools for creating the life they want to live. carol22@sonic.net www.caroladrienne.com Sylvia Becker-Hill, MA, PCC, is an executive change strategist who specializes in coaching corporate leaders to bring about positive change with lasting results. With 15 years experience as a coaching pioneer on both sides of the Atlantic, Sylvia utilizes the latest research in neuroscience and emotional intelligence to assist corporate leaders with everything from post-merger integration and change management to on-site training and conflict resolution. Sylvia was the first German PCC in 2003. She is also a mentor coach PCAM (Professional Coach Association Michigan), former board member of PCAM 2010 and the ICF Germany 2004/6, president of the ICF Germany in 2005 and founder of the ICF Chapter Rhein-Ruhr in Duesseldorf/Germany 2003. sylvia@becker-hill.com Craig Carr, PCC, CPCC, has been a therapist, a Doctor of Chinese Medicine and a senior faculty member with the Coaches Training Institute. His wide-ranging life-coaching clientele includes entrepreneurs, investors, executives, coaches and artists. He is the co-author of The New Client Guidebook to Professional Coaching and Danger, Sex and Magic: Living Beyond the Forbidden and Taboo. craigcarr@dsmlifetrainings www.dangersexmagic.com
Maggie Currie is one of the top 10 coaches in the U.K., with hundreds of hours of highly successful experience with both personal and corporate clients. She is also a mentor and tutor, a motivational speaker and best-selling author of What You Believe Creates Your Reality. She offers emotion-based life coaching as a Life Coach with YOU University working with people all over the world and teaches people how to become a life coach as a tutor with the Life Coaching Institute. As a mentor Maggie works with the Princes Trust advising young people regarding setting up a business. Sandra De Freitas is a top tech coach, speaker, trainer and expert in internet technology. She is the founder of www. TechCoachForCoaches.com and author of Does this Blogsite Make my Wallet Look Fat? which is featured at www.WordPressBlogsites.com.
Marcy Nelson-Garrison, MA, LP, CPCC, is a product mentor and founder of www.coachingtoys.com, an online store featuring creative toys and tools for personal development. Marcy helps coaches, counselors and consultants leverage their own creativity for greater impact and profit. Her products include: Q? Basics, Open-Ended Questions for Coaching Mastery; The ProductPlanner; and Passion to Product. marcy@coachingtoys.com www.ProductMentorCoaching.com
Damian Goldvarg, PhD, MCC, has 20 years experience in executive assessment and coaching, leadership development, talent management, facilitation, andteam buildingservices. Originally from Argentina, he has extensive experience working with people from different cultures and social backgrounds. He has worked with individuals and organizations in over 40 countries in English, Spanish and Portuguese. He is currently the president elect for ICF Global Board of Directors. damian@g-c-group.com www.mygcgroup.com
A fundamental difference between relationship coaching and traditional coaching is that relationship coaches educate as well as coach their clients, especially in the area of skills.
page 23
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
features
Kat Knecht CPCC, PCC, is a love, dating and relationship coach. Along with her husband, Curtis, she is the co-founder of The Relationship Coaching Connection. Her program The Art and Science of Romance has helped hundreds of women find the romantic life they desire. The Coaching Circles that Kat facilitates weekly help women find the love of their lives or improve the relationship they already have by learning how to practice self-love and use their own personal power in a positive way. kat@relationshipcoaching.com www.relationshipcoaching.com Lisa Murrell, PCC, is the founding partner of MetaSystem Consulting Group, a coaching and consulting firm that began in Paris over 25 years ago, and founder of Equine Alchemy, a ground-breaking approach to leadership, coaching and coach training through experiential learning with horses. She has spent the last 15 years working globally to help clients achieve transformational results in the areas of organization development and executive and team coaching. She also delivers ICF and BCC accredited coach training. lisa@equinealchemy.com www.equinealchemy.com Jen Todd, MSOD, is the CEO of Breakthrough Partners Inc. and an executive coach and change consultant. She coaches leaders and teams to transform mindsets and behaviors to produce tangible results and bring their whole selves to their work and life. She published her latest whole system corporate change work in the 3rd edition of Practicing Organization Development book. She is trained in Gestalt coaching and consulting methods, is guest faculty at the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland and leads the external marketing committee for the Professional Coaching Association of Michigan (PCAM). jtodd@breakthroughpartner.com www.breakthroughpartner.com Victoria Trabosh, CDC, is an executive coach, international speaker and author of Dead Ritas Wisdom Simple words to help you live an extraordinary life. She is the co-host of the weekly radio show, Smart Women Talk Radio. In addition to her coaching and speaking business, she co-founded the Itafari Foundation in 2005, a non-profit organization to change and support the country of Rwanda. In 2006 she had the honor of speaking at the United Nations. She travels frequently to Rwanda to support the foundation and coach those who are changing the face of the country. Vicky@victoriatrabosh.com Frankie Doiron is the president and CEO of the Relationship Coaching Institute, (RCI) the worlds first and largest international relationship coach training school. She is dedicated to helping fellow coaches achieve tangible business success, through innovative coach training, business building training, support and mentoring, and the use of best business practices. Frankie is a certified Master Relationship Coach and an internationally recognized relationship expert. Eric de Nijs, EdD, PCC, brings over 25 years experience in leadership coaching and development, process improvement, and organizational development to his role a co-program director and instructor for the Georgetown University Leadership Program. Erics new book, Playing in a Bigger Space, features the G.R.A.C.E. at Work relationship model. He is also a contributing author to On Becoming a Leadership Coach. eric@ericdenijs.com David Steele, MA, LMFT, CLC, is a California-based marriage and family therapist who fell in love with coaching and in 1997 founded Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI), the first and largest international relationship coach training organization. RCI is committed to helping you get clients and have a successful practice coaching singles and couples to have successful relationships. www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com Diana Sterling, BA, CFC, is a 35-year veteran business owner and innovator. Her commitment to being self employed and to helping others find meaning and success has resulted in the creation of many products and programs, including The Parent as Coach Approach. Over the past 15 years, as a Certified Family Coach she has coached thousands of parents and families and has developed a parenting system that works for families in over 15 countries. As a fan of teamwork and sharing ideas,Diana has partnered withRelationship Coaching Institute to bring greater life to Family Coach Training the program she founded and developed. Diana@dianasterling.com Joan O. Wright, MSW, MCC, is president of OSullivan Wright, Inc., a leadership consulting firm founded in 2000 to serve Fortune 500 companies and entrepreneurial businesses. Her broad and deep understanding of individual leadership and organizational development comes from 21 years in various Human Resources Management roles. A respected speaker at major global leadership development and executive coaching conferences such as Linkage and the International Coach Federation, her articles have been published by The International Journal of Coaching In Organizations, ASTD and The Charlotte Business Journal. She is featured in the audio series, From The Corporate Front Line: The Impact of Coaching On Todays Leaders. joan@osullivanwright.com www.osullivanwright.com
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
choice books
BOOKS TO ENHANCE THE COACHING LIFESTYLE
Making Love Work

Two books that will help you help your clients in their relationships
By Kat Knecht, CPCC, PCC
what causes this and what helps couples work through a power struggle in a way that strengthens the relationship. In the latter part of the book Hendrix has laid out the exercises for couples to do themselves. These exercises were so effective in my own personal life that when I began my work as a relationship coach I pulled them out and found them to be very useful in combination with my coaching. Hendrix and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt have written numerous books together that add to the foundation they set with this transformative tome. The other expert and author whose book I use on a regular basis as a coach is John Gottman. Gottman has also written numerous books with another due out this year, but he is best known for his title The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. In the book, Gotttman reports on the findings of his research from what he
hen I got a message from the editor of this magazine giving me a heads-up on this issues theme, she noted that it should be easy for me to find a book, as I am a relationship coach myself. The paradox was that, since relationship coaching is my profession and romantic relationships my passion, I have shelves and shelves lined with books on the subject. Some are well worn while others I have hardly touched. All have some wisdom that has helped me understand relationships better. Which one would be most beneficial for the readers? Not an easy choice. After weeding the list down to my top 10, I decided to choose two relationship experts and authors that have had the biggest impact on my coaching. They each have written many books on the subject and I have had the privilege of personal insight and training from them. The authors are Harville Hendrix and John Gottman. The books I am highlighting in this review have been around for a while, but their age only adds to their wisdom and usefulness. Harville Hendrixs most famous book, and the one that got me started as a relationship coach, is Getting the Love You Want. This book is packed with stories from the authors experience as a minister and a therapist. He also included many stories of his own struggles with romantic relationships and the insight he gained from working them out. At the heart of this book is Hendrixs very clear identification of the power struggle that all romantic relationships encounter at a certain point. In the first part of the book he discusses
principles in a very readable and useable form. Though designed for the general public, the way the book is laid out makes it a perfect tool for a relationship coach. The book helps the reader to recognize the ways couples sabotage their relationships, the specific behavior that gets in the way of having a good relationship and, more importantly, the ways to increase connection and joy in relationship. In my opinion, the book is worth reading for the information on how the imbalance of the negative communication styles of Blame, Defend, Stonewall and Contempt destroy trust and connection in a relationship. Gottman
Though designed for the general public, the way the book is laid out makes it a perfect tool for a relationship coach.
calls The Love Lab. This is research he and his team have done on couples to determine what makes a relationship last and what are the signs that a relationship is doomed. The book outlines very clearly the behavior that determines which of the couples tested will divorce. In this book Gottman busts the notion that arguing is a determining factor. It is not the disagreements that these couples have; it is HOW they disagree that is the deciding factor. After identifying this behavior Gottman goes on to outline the seven calls these the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse that destroy relationship fulfillment. I am looking forward to the release of his next book, The Science of Trust, which is due out in audio form this April with the book being released in September. If you are interested in adding books to your shelf that will help you in your work with clients who have issues with their romantic relationships, I highly recommend you add these authors previous and upcoming publications.
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
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coaching tools
Soul Notes & Inspire Me Magnets
By Marcy Nelson-Garrison, MA, LP, CPCC Looking for structures to inspire your clients? A very creative coach out of Toronto, Canada, Nidhi Guhpta, has a wonderful collection of note cards, boxed card sets, magnets and journals that will delight your clients. Its such a powerful affirmation to get something in the mail from your coach that reflects who you are becoming or that reminds you of your gifts and your big vision. I couldnt resist the colorful magnets or the Soul Notes when I met Guhpta at a recent conference. The magnet on my fridge says, Listen to your heart above all other voices, a quote by Martha Kagan. I love it! The magnet featured at left is from her Inspire Me series. Each magnet is a little over three inches square, has a colorful design and an inspiring message. The box of Soul Notes holds 60 cards, two of each design. Each card has a nature-based image and an inspirational message. I just pulled a random card and it says; You are seen, you are known, you are loved. That could definitely make someones day! Definitely guaranteed to remind and inspire.
creative and innovative ways to enliven and refresh your coaching business
Mother Hennas Coloring Book for People of All Ages

By Marcy Nelson-Garrison, MA, LP, CPCC
The Art of the HeartSell Conversation

By Marcy Nelson-Garrison, MA, LP, CPCC Heart-sell vs. hard sell what a great perspective shift! Helen Graves is all about helping spiritually oriented coaches understand that in order to transform lives, you need to attract and enroll clients who are a good fit. She takes you by the hand and walks you through her three-step process in a style that is direct, concrete, compassionate and encouraging. The Art of the HeartSell Conversation has three audio CDs, a workbook, an accelerated results handbook and a wonderful laminated dos and donts sheet. You get plenty of instruction on the basic principles of selling, a focus on mindset, lots of assignments and exercises, and I love that you get to listen in on an actual heart-sell conversation. Graves underscores the importance of using a coach approach to explore extrinsic and intrinsic needs, desires, goals, values and challenges as well as practical things like how to sound natural when using a template (she provides a sample template) and ethical ways to melt away objections. The take-away is that less is more, the questions do most of the work, holding silence is critical, and the goal is a decision vs. a yes. Whether you are squeamish about selling, just learning how or need a new spin on what you already know, The Art of the HeartSell Conversation is the product Id recommend.
When was the last time you sat down to color? I know, kid stuff, right? Think again. The simple act of coloring can be a delightful form of meditation. What a fun, easy way to relieve stress and experience a deep sense of wellbeing. Mother Hennas Coloring Book is the perfect place to start. All of the images in the book are excerpted from a project called 1,000 Faces of Mother Henna (aka Kara Jones). Jones was inspired by listening to the Nobel Peace Prize winners and became convinced that if we can each find inner peace, we can project it out towards our communities and the world. She started with the one thing that always gave her inner peace drawing and the project was born. These sacred and whimsical images are evocative, inviting and perfect for coaching clients. Each drawing has a unique face with words. Some examples include: let ego go; you are your own myth; stick to your vision. Its a perfect structure for clients needing to slow down, become intentional and tune into intuition, especially those who find traditional meditation difficult. I cant wait to sit down and color in my copy Im eyeing the face drawing that says Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy!
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VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
TimeTrade.com
By Sandra De Freitas
Is your appointment booking a big mess? As a coach, it is quite possible that a good chunk of your emails are requests for coaching and meetings. Its time to automate this process to keep you out of your inbox and help you be more productive. If your clients are located around the world, then both you and your clients have to factor in time zones to line up appoint-
ments. You may find yourself analyzing your calendar to find the days and times you are available, then converting the time into their time zone and emailing it to the client. Then they have
to take the time to analyze their calendar and get back to you. What an email mess! Unfortunately, Im sure there have been times when the client replies with an appointment time that works for them, but by that time another client has claimed that appointment time, so you have to start all over again! Has this happened to you? Its kind of embarrassing! So in comes our superhero TimeTrade.com! Just create an account with TimeTrade, set up an appointment type, the days and times you will accept appointments, then send your clients the link to your TimeTrade calendar for that specific appointment type. You can sync Google or Out-
look calendar to your account and TimeTrade will add any new appointments to your calendar. If your calendar states you are busy during any of the times you claimed you were available for appointments, it doesnt allow clients to book appointments at that time, preventing overbooking! Once an appointment is made an email is sent to you and your client confirming the appointment. Send your clients a link to your TimeTrade account and decrease the number of emails swelling up your inbox.
WishList Member
By Sandra De Freitas Do your clients feel special, well taken care of and treated like a true VIP? A number of my clients and coaching colleagues offer special VIP programs and VIP coaching packages. These offers are only available to a few ideal clients. They offer an intimate level of support and come with a high investment cost. Are you offering a VIP service, or thinking about it? Heres how you can easily add value to your VIP programs at a small cost to you and make your VIP service stand out from all the others. I suggest you create a dedicated online area for each of your VIP clients. This can be as easy as setting up a WordPress page for each one of your VIP clients. On this page add one or more of the following: A How to get the most out of your VIP Program report Recordings of all of your coaching calls Valuable resources like templates, checklists and special reports Links to any resources you shared on your calls Transcripts of your calls Links to discounted products and services A link to reschedule calls with you (or instructions on how to reschedule your calls) Information on how to contact your team Your Terms of Service and policies. Next, give your clients access to these pages while protecting them from being viewed by the public by using a premium WordPress plugin called WishList Member (http://member.wishlistproducts.com). WishList Member manages clients user accounts and passwords, and keeps the clients page private by ensuring that the client is the only one who has access to it. WishList also integrates with payment gateways like PayPal. This means you have the option to gather payments from your clients before they can gain access.
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
13
DiD You Know?

The globally recognized ICF Credential ensures clients you have demonstrated the knowledge and competency to consistently deliver effective professional coaching. From a poll of 15,000 people located throughout 20 countries, the ICF learned: 73 percent of those not aware of coaching or the ICF thought a credential was important
An iCF CreDentiAl DemonstrAtes:

You have a high knowledge and skill level. You have high professional standards. You stand by a strong code of ethics. You are committed to ongoing professional development.
cLient demand for a credentiaLed coacH wiLL continue to increase as tHe coacHing profession continues its rapid expansion worLdwide. if You are committed to buiLding or maintaining Your coacHing business and desire to be a part of a weLL respected, seLf-reguLating profession, tHen an icf credentiaL is essentiaL. exceed cLient expectations. Join tHe over 8,000 coacHes wHo HoLd an icf credentiaL todaY!
84 percent of those who had been in a coaching relationship thought a credential was important
other BeneFits oF AttAining An iCF CreDentiAl:

Validity from attaining a credential from the only international recognized independent coaching body; an important role in reinforcing the integrity of the coaching profession and personal satisfaction from meeting career goals. Learn more about ICF Credentials at Coachfederation.org/credential.
92 percent who had been involved in a coaching relationship, working with an ICF Credentialed coach, were satisfied or very satisfied
Source: 2010 ICF Global Consumer Awareness Study
2365 Harrodsburg rd., suite a325 // Lexington, KY 40504 usa +1.859.219.3580 // 888.423.3131 (toLL free) icfHeadquarters@coacHfederation.org
Learn How to become an icf credentiaLed coacH at coacHfederation.org/credentiaL
sticky situations
EXPERT GUIDANCE ON CRITICAL COACHING issues
My client is struggling with relationships
have a client who is struggling in all of her relationships I at work, at home, with her extended family, with friends. I can see that there are patterns she has developed in her behavior towards others, especially those closest to her. How can I help this client recognize the relationship patterns that are hindering her in all areas of her life?
the situation the experts weigh in
By Victoria Trabosh, CDC
s coaches we often spend time working with clients to understand how anothers behavior affects them. What youve described is a client who has a fundamental issue in communication. Given the fact that all of her relationships are suffering, there is clearly nowhere to begin but with her. William James, the philosopher and psychologist said, Whenever youre in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude. While this may not be the only factor, its a great place to begin. First, what is her attitude about this issue? Is she open to feedback? Have you told her that she can change relationships? Does she want to shift from whats not working to what works well? As her coach, is she struggling in her relationship with you? If shes not, then the all of her relationships comment is an overstatement. But if she is, excellent! (kind of ) Now you can speak firsthand and not presuppose what is happening with others, making the conversation relevant and authentic. There are probably two or three things that consistently distance your client from others. Name them or figure them out. You may already know. Examples: She constantly interrupts you when youre speaking. She is argumentative about anything. She doesnt admit shes wrong in a conversation. She knows it all. She doesnt listen well. You get the idea. Just pick two or three. Pick the least
effective ways she communicates. As you help her understand and correct issues, other issues may fall away or be easier to tackle. Another assumption Im making is that youve asked her if she has any drug or alcohol issues, or if she is seeking psychological counseling. If there are overriding factors, youre out of your expertise and should direct her to get more assistance from the appropriate professional. I remind you to know your strengths, continue to improve your coaching skills and ask good questions. You must
In the end, she can experience life-changing realizations that put your work into a profound place in her life.
have a relationship that allows you to get to the core of any matter, and you must have faith in your clients ability to solve her own issues. In the end, your attitude will greatly affect her ability to change ineffective behaviors. In the end, she can experience life-changing realizations that put your work into a profound place in her life. And in the end, you will accomplish the goal of all coaching: to work with others so that they may become their personal best.
Are you grappling with a sticky situation?
You dont have to go it alone. Let our senior coaches give you some different perspectives to consider. Email your situation to: editor@choice-online.com and put sticky situations in the subject line.
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sticky situations
Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com
By Carol Adrienne, PhD
t sounds like she is stuck in her stories. Its hard to give up that drama because it feels so real! Does she feel victimized by others, or does she come on too strong? Are there two or three recurring themes? Your job is to help her identify beliefs that tend to re-create the drama. Perhaps start with exploring her most recent difficult situation. Ask her to come up with one belief about the situation. See if you can help her define a basic belief she holds about one or more of the other relationships. (e.g. People dont take me seriously. Ive been let down over and over again. I can never get ahead.) Obviously, she must come to see that she is the common denominator in her relationships. Healthy awareness allows her to begin to notice how she is attuned to finding experiences that validate her belief. Focusing on the struggle keeps her stuck. Ask her to notice how familiar the struggle feels. This emotional state is what she is used to (which reinforces the original belief and keeps her feeling the need for struggle). Her dysfunctional payoff is, See, I was right. This always happens to me. For relationship issues, I often turn to the model of the four control dramas described in The Celestine Prophecy (by James Redfield). Control dramas are dysfunctional habits we learned as a child in order to ensure a constant flow of energy. The con-
trol part is adopting a behavior that ensures a flow of energy coming towards us (even if it is negative energy). The four dramas based on two ends of a spectrum are: the Intimidator/Poor Me and the Interrogator/Aloof. Im guessing that your client might be a Poor Me, who learned that helplessness gets attention. At a deep level, Poor Mes feel threatened by the demands of life. They learn to present a small and inadequate persona (typically, saying they are confused about what to do) to draw in someone to help them. Paradoxically, they dont really want solutions to problems because then theyll lose the attention. Do you notice, for example, that your client often reacts to suggestions with a yes, but ... comment? If you are having trouble getting your client to see her patterns, my guess is that she has involved you in her Poor Me drama. Without awareness, she will just keep you on the string trying to help her. Notice how you feel around her. Poor Mes tend to make you feel drained, angry (the Intimidator role), or eager to leave (the Aloof role.) Another tactic your client may use when perceiving that she is losing attention is to become more of an Interrogator perhaps arguing or badgering others. You might suggest that she read The Celestine Prophecy as a way to open the conversation!
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The Midwest Regional Conference is Raising the Bar! on what a conference can really be. We are expanding our scope of possibility with out of the box ideas that will make this the most exciting coaching event in the states this year. It is the place to gain CCEUs, create coaching connections, and grow your coaching.
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Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com
By Craig Carr, CPCC, PCC
t this point a lot depends on how your work together has been designed. If you are working only within a performance model, for example, you may have to re-orient, slow things down, and introduce concepts of communication and impact. In some cases straying from a strict agenda may not be an option, which is too bad. If you are functioning under a broader life context that has been made explicit, however, you have a responsibility to articulate what you see happening in her relationships. When you approach this conversation youll notice that your client will be in one of three places, generally speaking. At one extreme, youll find resistance and/or denial to actually being the common denominator in all of these relationships. You can tell youre here by talk that sounds like blame or conversation filled with he-said-she-said stories. This is largely a waste of time and energy as far as coaching is concerned, so dont get hooked into it. Second is where the concept that patterns run across relationships is genuinely news to your client, yet she is willing to hear your perspective and play in the discovery. Here, you have the opportunity to look at the circumstances of her life and the consistent results she gets by doing what she is doing. Insight and understanding can be gained from conversation relating to these dynamics.
Third is where change can actually be amplified and the coaching gets really juicy. Its where your client wants to go beyond talking about the principles of communication, attraction and impact, and begins to do something about it. It is here that you get to be the clearest, most direct, most honest coach you can possibly be. I want to be clear that to work at this level there has to be a high degree of foundational trust in the coaching relationship. Together you will be challenging personal taboos, breaking rules, and risking the status quo of relationships, as they currently exist. Feel for an attitude of openness, willingness, curiosity and courage in your client. They are going to need it. In this place you can strategize, role-play and process inthe-moment experience that arises from both the old, static behaviors, as well those that come about in practicing new ones. It is extremely powerful when you recognize, name and mirror back to your client the immediate impact of their words, tone, manner and perspective. An even more advanced level of work is when you use the dynamics going on in the coaching relationship as a tool. This, of course, comes with its own set of unique dangers and vulnerabilities, but when your client sees damaging patterns being played out with you, and takes responsibility for her part, you have literally hit coaching gold!
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international eye
By Damian Goldvarg, PhD, MCC
Bravo Latinos!
The future looks bright for the coaching profession in Latin America
The coaching profession in Latin America has been developing for more than 20 years with the influence of great thinkers and father figures originally from Chile with an ontological orientation such as Flores and Maturana, and their disciples, Echeverra and Olalla. They were the key first players in the field regionally by training the first cadres of coaches. Up to now, most coaches in Latin America have been trained with the ontological coaching orientation, but lately there have been new modalities being offered such as Neurolinguistic Programming, Psychodrama, Co-Active coaching and Systemic coaching, among others. In Latin America, coaching school owners started to show interest in having their schools certified by the ICF in the last five years, and currently there are a few in the process of getting their ACTP (Accredited Coach Training Program) status. There is also a new awareness of the importance of going beyond local recognition to achieve a global accreditation with international standards. Local
The coaching profession is growing very quickly in Latin America and many global companies hire executive coaches to assure appropriate talent management.
coaching leaders started opening ICF chapters, and ICF went from having 356 members in the region in 2009 to 978 members in 2011. Only this year, two new chapters were opened: Uruguay and Ecuador. Next year, we are working on opening chapters in Paraguay, Bolivia, Panama and Costa Rica. What is also interesting is the speed of the growth. For example, the ICF Argentina Chapter went
from 20 members at the end of 2009, when the chapter began, to 207 members at the beginning of 2011. The ICF Global Coaching Study implemented last year will offer new data regarding the coaching profession in the region. According to the IAE Business School Report on Executive Coaching in Latin America, in 182 surveyed companies in Mexico, Chile, Argentina and Brazil, 84.6 percent use executive coaching as a leadership development tool. They are planning to increase the use of coaching because they found a positive effect in leadership quality, retention, personal satisfaction and adaptation to change. Executive coaching is growing in the Latin American market and there are many opportunities for executive coaches. ICF Latin American chapter leaders started meeting at regional conferences to discuss the future of the profession in the region. In 2010, the first Latin American ICF Conference took place in Lima, Peru and in 2011 the conference took place in Santiago, Chile. In 2012, the ICF Regional Conference will take place in Buenos Aires, Argentina from August 23 to 25, 2012 and the plan is to have 500 people attending. English translation will be offered. Some of the key challenges in the region are related to regulation and ethical issues. Many unethical practices are rampant in the coaching market, such as plagiarism and
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international eye
misrepresentation. There is advertising of programs being reported to the ICF in which organizations are copying programs from competitors or publishing false information in their advertisement, such as being accredited by the ICF when they are not. Many people call themselves coaches without training or credentials, but this is an issue for our profession as a whole and is happening
Many people call themselves coaches without training or credentials.

in Latin America and beyond. A big challenge ahead for the profession of coaching in Latin America is to educate the general public about the profession, the differences with other professions such as psychology and consulting, and the importance of hiring accredited coaches. Another future challenge is related to regulation. The coaching profession is growing very quickly in Latin America and many global companies hire executive coaches to assure appropriate talent management. In countries such as Mexico, professional coaches are meeting to discuss regulations and standards with government organizations. The ICF has been involved actively in building collaborative relationships with governmental bodies to develop ethical and professional standards and licenses. As the profession continues to grow in Latin America, we may find more governments interested in developing regulation measures to protect the public. This will bring new challenges for the profession.
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Life is all about relationships, beginning with the relationship with self, loved ones, friends and business colleagues. What shows up in one area of relationship is often mirrored in others. Our coaching clients will always bring their relationship beliefs, attitudes, behaviors and issues to the coaching conversation. How does a clients relationship with self determine their level of coachability? What are some fundamental relationship coaching processes and tools that any coach can add to their toolbox? How can coaches help their clients recognize relationship patterns that may hinder the clients ability to be successful in all areas of life? Join us as we explore the various opportunities for incorporating relationship coaching techniques and processes into all segments of coaching.
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Its all about skills, attitudes and choices
By Frankie Doiron
oaches help clients achieve their goals by identifying the gap between where the client is (now) and where they want to be (the goal). Then, the action steps required to realize the goal are developed and put into motion. Yet it is often the clients own lack of skills, unproductive attitudes, or misaligned choices that sabotage their success. Coaches need to be able to readily identify the clients specific obstacle (skills, attitudes or choices) and apply one or more processes to get the client unstuck and into positive, goal-oriented action. In the realm of relationship coaching, it is quite common for clients to demonstrate challenges in one or more of these three areas. The coaching paradigms used by relationship coaches are very powerful ways to shift the client and can be adapted for all types of coaching. Note: A fundamental difference between relationship coaching and traditional coaching is that relationship coaches educate as well as coach their clients, especially in the area of skills.
Skills: Learned habits/patterns of adaptive behavior

Well-honed skills can be an asset. A skill deficiency what clients are not able to do effectively can be a liability. Coaches need to look for instances where skills training is needed and facilitate skill acquisition through practice, to help the client be successful. The overwhelming majority of people have had very little training in interpersonal skills and as such have relationship skills deficits. Typically, we learn such skills through trial and error from our earliest relationships and through thousands of hours of role-modeling from parents, family members, and friends. In this fashion, we learn ways of dealing with conflicts, handling differences, expressing emotions, etc.
No matter what type of role-modeling we received, we have a choice to create a new paradigm. Most of what we do in a relationship (or life) is a pattern of learned behavior that we can modify if we choose to. Emotional responses are habits that can be modified as well. A common area for skills training in couples coaching is conflict resolution, which is what is really meant when couples say they dont communicate. Most couples seek help because of unresolved conflict, which really is a skills deficit in communicating effectively. Before we can coach a couple to help them satisfactorily resolve conflict on their own, we first need to teach them the skill of resolving conflict rather than to focus on the what and why of their differences. Here are some skills training techniques to use with clients: Role Play means you create an artificial improvisational situation. The client always plays themselves; you play the other person. This allows you to observe the client as though in a real situation, because it is not scripted. It is a good starting point to determine the clients challenges and skills. Rehearsal is when you act out a situation that has already occurred or that you anticipate will occur. The brain cannot distinguish between something that is anticipated to happen, or a situation that has already happened. Therefore, this is more powerful than role play, especially as a follow-up training technique, where you are practicing specific action steps. Skill Building is when you build on one of the clients strengths to practice a weak skill. For example, the client may have trouble making eye contact but enjoys telling jokes. Have them practice making eye contact when they tell jokes. It will make them feel more confident and be easier for them to make eye contact. Task Analysis is where you make a list, in sequential order, of the steps involved in executing or performing the skill that needs to be practiced. The step-by-step list
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helps the client break a skill down into smaller, more achievable steps and helps identify any area where they might get stuck.
help the client achieve awareness of their unproductive attitude.
able, and take action that is aligned with our goal.
Attitudes: Beliefs, interpretations, points of view, stories, etc, that get acted out in our behavior
Behavior and its consequences follow attitudes. Attitudes are influenced by our personality/temperament, family of origin, past experiences, etc. They can be productive or unproductive, conscious or unconscious. If your client has interfering attitudes that undermine their goal, they are not going to achieve it. A coach
Paradigm #1 Mirroring With Follow-up Questions

Feed back to the client the attitude you just heard. You can use the clients exact language or follow up with a question about the attitude youre hearing. When you get validation from the client to confirm their attitude, you are on the same page with your client. Go with their reality. Dont judge or advise. Ask these questions in sequence: How does this attitude impact your goal? (remember attitudes are choices, so the question is intentional)
Paradigm #3 Events + Response = Outcome

Events are things that happen to you in your life; you cant prevent them and you cant change them. But you can choose how you respond. Your response will determine the outcome. The 4 Primary Responses are: Negotiate means you will find a way to make it work. Resist means saying no to the situation. Accept means accepting the situation as it is. Leave means removing yourself from the situation, emotionally or physically. Describe this paradigm to your client, then brainstorm with them what their response could be, helping them to take ownership and control.
No matter what type of role-modeling we received, we have a choice to create a new paradigm. Most of what we do in a relationship (or life) is a pattern of learned behavior that we can modify if we choose to.
can help uncover and address those interfering attitudes. (Clients often do not have enough awareness to say I have this attitude I need help with.) We have the power to choose our attitudes. Attitudes show up in how the client presents themselves; what they are saying, the stories they tell, the explanations they give, and the behaviors they display in session and report occurring outside of session. When you spot an attitude that may be sabotaging the clients goals, invite them to examine it and choose a more effective one. Use any of the following coaching paradigms to What is the consequence of you having this attitude (or belief)? Would you like to change or keep this attitude (or belief)? What would be a good replacement for this attitude (or belief)? Brainstorm with the client about possible alternative and productive attitudes.
Choices: Decisions made in the moment that result in an action

We are always at choice. While our choices tend to be the result of our attitudes and skills, we can choose our attitudes and skills and can always choose differently. Since our clients always have a choice, coach your clients to make effective choices that will help them get what they want in their life and relationships. Good choices always align with the clients goal. Clients get stuck. But what is the underlying obstacle they are facing? By identifying whether it is a skills deficit, an unproductive attitude, or the way the client makes choices, you will be better equipped to help them overcome the challenge and achieve their goals.
Paradigm #2 Awareness + Choices + Action = Positive/ Intentional Change

Help the client become aware of the unproductive attitude. When we become aware of something, then we can take look at the choices avail-
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Family Relationship Coaching

UFC: ultimate family coaching challenge!
By Diana Sterling, BA, CFC
What is Family Coaching?
eenagers, parents, family members and groups comprise the landscape of family coaching. The professionally trained and certified coach is presented with special challenges right out of the gate in regards to relationships, because the client comes to the coach with one or more core relationship(s) in the family as the issue. To quote a coaching forefather, Dr. William Glasser, author of Choice Theory, All long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems. He elaborates, External control, the present psychology of almost all people in the world, is destructive to relationships. When used, it will destroy the ability of one or both to find satisfaction in that relationship and will result in a disconnection from each other. Being disconnected is the source of almost all human problems such as what is called mental illness, drug addiction, violence, crime, school failure, spousal abuse, to mention a few. The often turbulent topics of family coaching require a skilled family coach trained to assess the viability of coaching vs. other healing mo-
dalities like therapy. A skilled family coach must know when the issues require clinical intervention. And a skilled family coach is trained to know that most unhealed, difficult problems are relationship problems. Family coaches receive problems as the main core of the reason why clients seek coaching, as opposed to the fertile ground of life coaching which is often more positive and growth oriented. Of course these are thoughtful generalities which create a broad opening into the philosophies and systems of family coaching which is, at its heart, relationship coaching.
That said, clients present a myriad of concerns, struggles, breakdowns, difficulties and challenges. Family coaching often involves current issues of daily tension such as parentteen relationships, raising difficult children, parent overwhelm, ongoing marital strife, generational differences, financial breakdown, learning disabilities, failed communication, value or belief conflicts, single parenting, divorce, step or blended parenting difficulties, health issues, etc. Our greatest challenge and opportunity is to honor the struggle while staying true to our professional coaching principles, eth-
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ics and competencies. We remain true to coaching as we offer a powerful personal development path via a structured coaching program that moves the client towards greater clarity, offers new resources to create unheard-of possibilities, allows different ways of viewing the problem, and gently guides them into the coaching space of personal transformation all in the midst of their pain, however intense. We must not waver from our coaching training, tools and principals.
The coach has a special assignment while still in the prospecting and enrolling stage that is to fully discern and then decode the entire situation, the core pain, the surrounding relationships, and the intricacies of the family dynamics surrounding the persons being coached and to alert the client to the fact that this is a coaching program which is the place to use resourcefulness and creativity to find solutions. Our job is not to diagnose, but to assess.
Perspectives To Consider
Given the myriad of situations on the spectrum of difficulty that the client is experiencing, every person in the family coaching relationship must be invited to adhere to the basic tenets of professional coaching: the willingness to be coached after fully understanding what the coaching engagement expects of them, the ability to create stated outcomes for themselves, and the willingness to take full personal responsibility for their own thoughts, actions and decisions. The process of qualifying the client before the engagement of the coaching relationship is paramount. The job of keeping the relationship clean lies with the coach.
Structure First, Content Second

Many a client in this arena may attempt to thwart their own forward progress by unknowingly attempting to derail the coaching process. Often times an overwhelmed client may lack the tools of emotional development to stay on course with their intended outcomes and may begin to inadvertently spiral downwards into their commitment to misery, attempting to take the coach with them. A family coach must be alert at all times. One way to be extra vigilant is to adhere to the structure of coaching to provide safeties both for coach and client(s). A clear roadmap in the form of a coaching agreement that spells out all of the logistics,
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Tools and Resources

The Stages of Change http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transtheoretical_model Reveals the coaching zone to be used to assess the readiness of the client. This tool is derived from the recovery community and has merit and application in any problem-based environment. Choice Theory, by Dr. William Glasser (1999) Dr. William Glasser offers a new psychology that, if practiced, could reverse our widespread inability to get along with one another, an inability that is the source of almost all unhappiness. For progress in human relationships, he explains that we must give up the punishing, relationshipdestroying external control psychology. Use this for yourself for coaching guidance as well as offer it as a resource to the client then you are mapping to the same material by which to tackle the stated problems and stated outcomes.
timeframes, tools to be utilized, expectations, commitments and consequences will provide the necessary boundaries for both client and coach. Be prepared to revisit the agreements and boundaries within the coaching session and possibly multiple times per session with a re-enrollment conversation. Revisit the clients stat-
ed coaching outcomes each session and use their own words as a basis from which to present forward moving questions and ideas. Content, curriculum and physical resources such as workbooks, websites, accountability reports and written homework can provide additional support, safety and familiar ground. Teach first, coach second. This allows the coach to offer a tool or book first as a neutral anchor and then coach by expanding, asking for insights, drawing distinctions and so forth. There is nothing more rewarding than the journey of family coaching to witness a healed marriage, parents talking again with their teens, family dinners with laughter reinstated, anger and violence abated, generations reunited, new blended families working it out and finding peace, teens growing up to be compassionate and engaged in life. The calling is rigorous and the fruit is sweet. Relationship coaching is not for the faint of heart. But for those who choose the high ground of witnessing ones own personal family wounds being healed right alongside those of the client, the journey has extraordinary benefits for our clients, ourselves and ultimately the evolutionary healing of all humanity.
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The Conscious Relationship

Coaching singles and couples to experience lasting love
By David Steele, MA, LMFT, CLC
hen singles become couples, each partner has different hopes and dreams, wants and needs, attitudes and experiences. These differences too often result in relationship failure and disappointment when one or both partners attempt to mold the relationship and their partner to fit what they want, rather than accepting and embracing what is. While we must have a vision and requirements and choose a partner and relationship aligned with what we want we cant be so rigid that we reject reality. How do we help our clients let go of needing perfection without settling for less than what they really want? One strategy I recommend is, experience your experience.
Experience Your Experience

Your experience is what happens inside of you. It happens automatically. It is the thoughts that pop into your head, the sensations you have in your body; what you see, hear, feel, touch and taste. It is what you are feeling emotionally. Your experience just happens. You go to a movie and you love the
movie and you feel tingly and warm; you have a positive experience of the movie. You go to a movie and it scares you, turns you off, you hate it and it repulses you; you have a negative experience of the movie. Your experience is involuntary. It just happens and it always happens in the now, so you must be present in the now to experience your experience; you cant be in the past, thinking about what was, and you cant be in the future, thinking about what will be. Relationships only happen in the present. Connection can only hap-
pen in the present. To be in touch with what is real and to have a fulfilling relationship we must be able to experience our experience. So experience your experience means to be present, to be in the now, experiencing what is going on for you right now, and whats real for you right now, instead of your fantasies about what will be and your associations about what was in the past. Experiencing your experience is important because too often we bring our past baggage into a relationship; we dont see the person and the relationship for what is; we
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Top 10
Attitudes Necessary for Lasting Love

An attitude is a system of beliefs, an interpretation or way of looking at the world. Attitude precedes outcome and can interfere or facilitate being in the present and experiencing your experience. You have control of and can choose your attitudes.
are too busy coloring it with the past, or we are absorbed in fantasy about the future, about what it might be and could be and will be. Coaching Tip: Listen closely to your client and its easy to determine if theyre present or living in the past or future. Coach and prompt your client to get in touch with what their thoughts, feelings, wants and needs are right NOW.
Meaning and Action

Your experience is whats real for you, and you get to decide what it means. If you went to a movie and it repulsed you, then you might make up a story, an interpretation of your experience, that that movie was horrible, it was the worst movie ever made. Thats because of your experience. Your experience results in your stories or your interpretations and meanings. If you didnt like the movie you will create a story about it and then you might tell everybody you know, That was the worst movie. Dont see it. So your stories, which come from your experience, result in your actions or what you say and do. Coaching Tip: Help your client identify what part of their experience is their story or interpretation of their experience.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
I will be happy by having goals and letting go of attachment to outcomes. I strive to live and be in the present. I love, accept, and trust myself. I focus on connecting, not results; a partner is someone to love, not an object or goal. I strive to be authentic; being fully honest with others, and myself, aligning my words, values and actions. I strive to live my life with intentionality; making choices conscious of my goals and consequences. I strive to take the necessary risks, overcome my fears, and stretch my comfort level to reach my goals. I assume abundance; all the opportunities and resources that I need will appear. I take responsibility for my outcomes by taking initiative in my life and relationships. hat others judge about me is W about them; I strive to let go of what others think and not take it personally.
In this stage you notice your similarities with your partner, the ways in which youre alike, and you feel like youve known this person your whole life. You feel like all of your needs are going to be met and everything youve ever dreamed for your life is going to come true because youve met this person. This is an important stage because it bonds you with your partner, and this bonding will be needed to get through the stage that comes next, because romantic love as much as many of us would like to hold onto it because it feels so good inevitably comes to an end, and the next stage is the power struggle. The romantic love stage can last up to two years, and typically wears off soon after a commitment of some kind is made. When youre in the romantic love stage you want to please your partner, and even if you were your own person before you met them, you often give up parts of yourself to please them. But we dont do this for long. Eventually, our real self wants to assert itself, and when that happens, you start to notice each others differences.
Stage 2: Power Struggle

During the power struggle stage we become acutely aware of our differences and the things we dont like about our partner and the relationship. Whats really happening is that the parts of yourself that you had to cut off as you grew up are asserting themselves in a search for wholeness. For example, if you werent able to express anger as a child, youll struggle with this as an adult. You need to do so in your intimate relationship to heal your past and become a whole, mature, developed person. Your anger or frustration is not re-
8 9 10
Three Stages of Relationship

Stage 1: Romantic Love
A relationship is a process, not an event, and there are stages that you go through. When you fall in love, you enter a romantic love stage that feels wonderful. Chemistry is high, your hormones are pumping, the world is more beautiful than it has ever looked before, and you feel like youre alive and glowing.
Coaching Tip: Pay attention to your clients attitudes and help them identify and replace self-sabotaging ones.
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ally about your partner. The issues and dynamics that come up in this stage are your blueprint for growth because they demand some things of you that are difficult for you to do, and youre not going to want to do them. But if youre willing to stretch, you get to reclaim your wholeness. Thus your relationship will deepen and progress to the next stage. It can be very difficult to understand whats happening in the power struggle stage and its easy to blame your partner or the relationship for the stress and conflict that you experience. Many relationships dont survive this stage. It helps to get outside support (relationship coaching, counseling, therapy) to understand and work through whats really going on. As relationship coaches we would like to help while the relationship is still good, before there has been a lot of damage from the conflict of the power struggle stage.
comes with effort in learning how to get through the power struggle stage.
Evolve vs. Push vs. Twist

When you become part of a couple its important to allow a relationship to evolve and be what it is, instead of trying to push it to happen faster, or twist the relationship (or partner) to be what you want it to be. I recommend taking the time to get to know
Pygmalion fell passionately in love with the statue and could be seen in the studio kissing its marble lips, caressing its marble hands, dressing and grooming the figure as if caring for a doll. But soon, and in spite of the works incomparable loveliness, Pygmalion was desperately unhappy, for the lifeless statue could not respond to his desires. The cold stone could not return the
Your stories, which come from your experience, result in your actions or what you say and do.
who your partner really is, instead of focusing on your fantasies, hopes and dreams. Experience your experience, embrace what is, and stay in the now so you are grounded in reality about your partner and relationship. Coaching Tip: Notice if your client is accepting their relationship with their partner (or anyone else) for what it is, or if they are getting frustrated trying too hard, going against the grain to change it to be what they want. warmth of his love. He had set out to shape his perfect woman, but had succeeded only in creating his own frustration and despair. A Pygmalion Project is when you get together with somebody and your agenda seems to be to mold them in your own image and to twist your partner and the relationship into being what you want it to be. This doesnt work very well. And as you saw in the Greek legend above, even if you succeed, youre going to be unhappy, because its not real. Your partner isnt real if they allow you to mold them. Its not a real relationship. And youll be frustrated because even if you think you want them to be a certain way to be more like you its not what you really want and its not what you really need. I believe we all have this tendency inside us. Its tempting to want to mold your partner and want them to be different. To prevent this from happening, you must stay conscious in your relationship and experience
Stage 3: Conscious Relationship

Once youve worked through the power struggle stage you may still experience frustration and conflict, however youve matured and learned the skills needed to take ownership of your experience and communicate effectively with your partner. When the power struggle diminishes, you can enjoy each others company and have more fun together, experience more synchronicity and more positive energy; your relationship seems effortless and youre more deeply connected with each other. You know each others warts and you love each other unconditionally. This is the kind of relationship we yearn for, which
Your Pygmalion Project

A long time ago, legend has it, there was a brash, young sculptor named Pygmalion. He found the women of Cyprus so flawed that he resolved to carve a statue of his ideal woman, embodying every feminine grace and virtue. For months, hed labor with all his prodigious skill, a rounding here and a smoothing there, until he had fashioned the most exquisite figure ever conceived by art. So exquisite indeed was his creation that
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4
Coach Your Clients To Practice These Four Steps:
Step 1: Review The Facts
OK, the sky is blue, were walking in the park together, the temperature is about 76 degrees, I just said, Its a beautiful day and my friend said, No, it sucks.
your experience. Experience your partner for who they really are, attempt to have a real relationship with them, and the period before youve made a lifetime commitment (marriage or equivalent) is your chance to move on if it doesnt work for you based on what it really is. Coaching Tip: Notice if your client is attempting to change their partner (or anyone else) into who they want and support them to accept others for who they are. This does not mean being unconditional in the sense of putting up with something that doesnt work for you (a common objection), but simply viewing, experiencing and responding to others for who they are.
Step 2: Review Your Judgments

Hmm, I believe its a gorgeous day, walking here is wonderful, and I judge that my friend isnt getting it at all.
Step 3: Identify Your Feelings

Im glad its such a beautiful day, sad that my friend is troubled and not enjoying it, frustrated and angry at their negativity.
Step 4: Make A Conscious Choice

Once youve separated the facts from your judgments and feelings, you are in a much better position to decide what to think, feel, and how to react. Notice in the above example that the judgments and feelings are mixed, which is common. If you are conscious you can choose amongst the mix of judgments and feelings that you will embrace and act upon, and which you will discard or leave alone. In the above example you might decide to focus upon your sadness that your friend is having a bad day and choose a compassionate response, and to discard your judgment that they arent getting it.
Lasting Love Triad

To effectively experience your experience Ive found it helpful to stay conscious of three aspects of your experience facts (what happens to you), judgments (your stories about the facts), and your feelings. Facts usually a measureable event (the sky is blue). Judgments the meaning we make of the event (the blue sky is pretty). Feelings our emotions and sensations (warm, cold, happy, sad, etc). Often, what we human beings do, especially when were upset or excited, is to make judgments about something and try to make that be the fact. You make me so angry. Youre a jerk. I love you. War is hell. Ice cream is good. These are all judgments you might feel so strongly about that you believe them to be true. While they might be
your personal truth at the time, they are not facts, no matter how strongly you believe them to be true. It all starts with an event or stimulus. Something happens that gives us a certain experience. Then, we react to our experience by making meaning of it and forming judgments. Next, our judgments stimulate our emotions anger, sadness, joy, fear, shame. And this all happens in the blink of an eye. We can then react consciously or unconsciously. If we react unconsciously we will act out our feelings and judgments, whatever they are. If we react consciously we will separate the facts from our feelings and judgments and then decide what meanings to make and actions to take. This begins by reviewing the
facts in your head and making sure youre not mixing in judgments.
Create Lasting Love

Help your client to stay grounded in the reality of what is and to make their decisions based on reality, instead of trying to make the relationship be what they want it to be. Its a fine line, because we do have a vision; we do have requirements, needs and wants. Thats our agenda: to live that vision and get those requirements, needs and wants met. But to create lasting love, we must choose a partner who is truly aligned with our needs, whom we can love unconditionally for who they are, and work with that partner in a reality-based way by experiencing our experience with them each and every day.
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G.R.A.C.E. At Work
A model for transformational workplace relationships
By Eric de Nijs, EdD, PCC vital leadership model for todays business environment would be one based on trust and transparency that can weather the storms of outsourcing, downsizing and any unpredictables. It would create a compelling vision that captures the hearts and souls of those engaged in the pursuit of the organizations goals, and generate mutual benefit for employer and employee. And this approach is precisely what is missing in todays corporate culture. Relationships died during the transition from a social contract for lifetime work to a frantic, distrustful and self-advocating worksurvival culture. The organization, employer and employee may have dealings together, but relationships have been abandoned. We conduct transactions, but fail to achieve transformations. Developing relationships is the single most critical success element for any leadership model. Leaders who develop powerful, purposeful, productive relationships with their employees are much more likely to inspire greater productivity, career
growth, innovation and overall employee performance. Leaders who excel at building relationships realize dramatic improvement in performance and productivity. These are transformational relationships, not mere transactions.
to shared purpose that provides affirmation, inspiration and personal transformation, G.R.A.C.E. at Work provides opportunities to build relationships and facilitate performance. It is the creation of a safe place for people to perform.
Leading with G.R.A.C.E.

An interactive, relational model is needed in the workplace. Powerful and productive relationships emerge only through the presence and practice of five key components whose initials form the acronym G.R.A.C.E. These are Goodwill, Results, Authenticity, Connectivity and Empowerment. Based on goodwill and a mutual commitment
GOODWILL: It All Begins Here

Goodwill involves assuming positive intent, suspending judgment, looking out for the other persons best interest, giving without condition, offering forgiveness, and providing support and safety in times of risk and failure. Ultimately, its about making things right, regardless of what is happening in the re-
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lationship. Powerful relationships begin with goodwill. The leader creates a safe space for working relationships to flourish, where people work together to achieve collaborative goals. Goodwill is closely linked to trust and creates the psychological safety net that encourages people to take the risks often associated with breakthrough performance.
RESULTS: Formula for Purpose

There are actually three Rs in this component: Results, Reason and Relationship. Anticipated results represent the tangible reason for the relationship. The R factor focuses on creating a shared sense of purpose and value that is commensurate with the mutual investments of all parties. Results focuses on desired outcomes (organizational, professional and personal), shared purpose, mutual contribution, value creation and performance and action plans. This component has two objectives: the achievement of the intended results, and the achievement of the betterment of those in the relationship. When both objectives are approached as one unified outcome, the results achieved for either are multiplied.
Gratitude
AUTHENTICITY: Essential Reality

Authenticity is being honest with yourself and others, declaring your stand, holding yourself accountable, rewarding appropriately, being open and vulnerable, openly communicating needs, desires, moods, attitudes, values and feelings even
about the other person. Being real is essential to any relationship. Open and uncompromising standards, positive attitudes and the desire to be exactly who you are, are at the heart of a fruitful relationship. Authenticity keeps the relationship balanced and healthy. Successful relationships thrive when all parties reveal exactly who they are, say exactly what they mean, and use the same standards for self and others, and do so in the spirit of goodwill. Self-awareness (in leaders first who then promote it in others) creates consistency between the walk and the talk, and provides a measure of
transparency to others that fosters trust in a relationship.
CONNECTIVITY: Co-created Value

Connectivity means finding ways to identify with, affirm and encourage others, understanding how they feel, identifying what is important to them, identifying and realizing differences in intention and impact on others, and creating collaborative connections. In short, it is othersawareness. When the components of goodwill, a reason for being in relationship, and authenticity combine, they advance the relationship to the
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place of real connectivity. Connectivity is about empathizing with others, finding ways to engage them in the pursuit of mutual goals, and co-creating value. Employees perform best when they feel personally connected to their work and their organization. Leaders connect with others and essentially team up for shared results. When leaders and employees connect through shared motives, values, goals and understanding, the subsequent bond can yield powerful results.
EMPOWERMENT: Enabling Success

Empowerment is helping others overcome obstacles and develop new skills,
and relationship. Leaders and employees need to co-create the boundaries for empowerment, learning and responsibility. GRACE-full leadership occurs when all five G.R.A.C.E. components work together to create a purposeful, powerful and productive relationship while reflecting a capacity to create value and recover quickly from mistakes. If any one of these components is missing or exists in insufficient quantity, there is no G.R.A.C.E. Leading with G.R.A.C.E. encourages commitment, not compliance, because G.R.A.C.E. assumes that development and high performance occur most effectively in the context of a purposeful relationship. This relationship is based
Relationships died during the transition from a social contract for lifetime work to a frantic, distrustful and self-advocating work-survival culture.
establishing a safe environment to succeed (for self and others), creating catalysts for change, helping others see potential and possibilities, being open to possibilities, allowing time for testing and learning, and seeing the larger whole but being aware of smaller components. Empowerment is enabling the success everyone desires. The leader becomes a coach through the balanced use of challenge and support, sufficiently motivating others to take risks, to see and do new things. A good coach must create a dynamic tension, a balance, which motivates employees to advance his or her skills, but still provide that safe space of encouragement and support. It is critical for the leader to create this same balance between advocacy and inquiry, and task on goodwill and a mutual commitment to a shared purpose that provides affirmation, inspiration and personal transformation. Without G.R.A.C.E., what remains is a series of transactional interactions that neither satisfy nor inspire. In a leadership state of G.R.A.C.E., energy is abundant and performance effortless. Obstacles are anticipated, but with the expectation that they will be overcome. Failure is seen as an opportunity to learn. This does not imply that this kind of relationship is pain free or even easy. It requires effort, commitment and yes, grace. But the anticipation, and realization, of success supersede everything else. How do you ensure a mutual win for yourself and others?
The World Business and Executive Coach Summit

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Climb To The Summit!

Significance lives in relationships
By Joan O. Wright, MSW, MCC
e spend our entire lives in relationships. They are what fuel us, frustrate us, foil us and also facilitate our ascent to Significance. True significance is handcrafted from relationships. The Summit Advance Model is a mountain analogy with three levels, and two sides. It is an upward trek, moving from the lower level of Survival into Success, and finally Significance. The great separator between the two sides of each level is self, or ego. The model is climbed by transitioning from self-focus to others-focus the essence of thriving relationships. Relationships at various levels and sides of this model are very different, beginning with entirely self-focused Victims who can, by choice, traverse to others-focused Victors at the Survival Level. Similar self-focused values are found on the left side of Success in Limelighters and those who have achieved some level of Significance as Top Guns. Once the self gives way to others, however, the Success and Significance levels are conquerable territory to those who stay on the right side as Masters and eventu-
ally Sherpas. The complete model contains detailed descriptions of the behaviors, attitudes, motivators and values of those who work and live at various places on the model, but the platform for all of them is how they co-exist in relationship. Relationships reveal the real person. It is where the core is exposed, and where that person either keeps climbing, or gets caught in one of the many storms of life sometimes quite alone. The model helps us recognize personal and professional relationship patterns that may either hold us back, or become the launching pad for Success and even Significance. Relationships at the various levels are quickly summarized below. Where are you and your clients climbing right now?
SURVIVAL The Victim

Victims are self-focused, closed to others, skeptical, distrustful attention hogs. They are loners, impatient and intolerant. Contact with Victims is wearying, as they tend to suck the life out of others. Relationships with Victims are difficult, at best. Organizationally, these can be the most problematic performers as they are immune to feedback, and often act as closed systems. Their sense of reality is usually skewed.
The Victor
Victors have traversed to an othersfocus, are open and generally trusting, attentive listeners, patient and tolerant. Victors display positive attitudes and edifying actions that en-
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rich, rather than deplete, relationships. They always seem to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, even while battling the storm that caused it. Victors at any level are desirable company and highly valued in your company.
SUCCESS Fame: The Limelighter

Limelighters must be on the top of the pile, recognized and applauded. They often seek groupies to feed their very hungry egos. Fame is the ultimate goal, not relationships. They can also get stuck in needing the approval of others. Relationships are surface-deep, tolerated only as long as Limelighters feel it serves their purpose. Everything is disposable, and negotiable. Within organizations, the Limelighter may start a lot of fires, but will rarely see them through to the end.
Mastery: The Master

No one reaches Mastery alone. Leaders working in Mastery know that relationships are key to creating followership. Although they may pour themselves into singular pursuits, they also intentionally pursue multi-dimensional fullness and interaction with others. The pursuit of Masters requires thousands of hours of practice. They tend to choose the best teachers and assignments to advance their goals, and as leaders organizationally, will make sure they are instructing people in the best possible way.
of the people around them, and know that they are not just of Significance to the world at large, but to those who comprise their most inner world as well. Quantity of relationships is not as important as the quality of those most important to them. In organizational life, Sherpas are not just interested in their own teams winning, but all teams winning together. They are always developing the Sherpas of tomorrow.
SIGNIFICANCE Best In The World: The Top Gun

Top Guns have achieved Significance, generally due to selfpromotion and the ability and resources to impact others. Although their significance to others is genuine, their true motives are not. Acts of significance are designed to gain attention. It is still about feeding the ego, and relationships are just as troubled here as for other levels on the left side of the model. Top Guns will use and lose relationships in order to be viewed as Best In the World. Self is still too important here. Relationships tend to be based in hero-worship both for those relating to the Top Gun, and for those this person considers mentors. The Mokita1 phenomenon applies here, as often very real issues, such as the Top Guns real motives, are simply not discussed.
Relationships = Engagement
Executive coaches know that a leaders success hinges on employee engagement, which is now at all time critical lows. In all the suggested fixes for this alarming trend, there is scarcely a word about the obvious fact that strong relationships between leaders and employees can dramatically reverse these figures. Moving through the diagnostic and prognostic levels of the Summit Advance Model provides powerful tools to insure the leader is promoting solid, highly functioning workplace relationships and every other kind of relationship. Growing these thriving relationships means moving from a focus of self to a focus on others. Like true mountain Sherpas, the leader goes first, then inspires and enables others to follow. Do not depend on the hope of results In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything. Whether at work or at home, for all ages, Thomas Merton was right. Significance lives in relationships.
1
Best For The World: The Sherpa

As the name implies, Sherpas are self-less leaders dedicated to being Best FOR the world, not just Best IN the world. They are achievers who have also attained Significance, but their genuine concern is always for others. Sherpas are fully aware
Mokita is a word in the Kavila language of Papua New Guinea, which in essence refers to the truth we all know but agree not to talk about.
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By Lisa Murrell, PCC
One Relationship = All Relationship

Five essential clues to successful relationship coaching
If you want to know how your client handles relationship, notice how they are in relationship with you. From a systems perspective, how you do anything is how you do everything. This means that from the moment of contact, your interface with your client is telling you everything you need to know about how they are in relationship. Here are some specific ways you can determine your clients relationship patterns as a tool for a successful coaching relationship. 1. How did the relationship begin? As Bruno Bettelheim, a prominent child psychologist said, The end is in the beginning. So how you began your relationship is a critical clue into how your client initiates relationships. Some questions to consider: Did you seek them out, or did they come to you? How many times did you contact each other before you actually reached each other? How many conversations did it take to receive the signed coaching agreement? How long after your first connection in person or not did you being coaching? The answers to each of these questions reveal a pattern of how your client begins a relationship. If your clients goals begin with dysfunctional, unclear or negative patterns, the likelihood of success is low. If, however, they enter into relationships, situations and goals with awareness and clarity of intention, imagine how this can impact their success in everything! 2. What is your clients relationship with boundaries? Boundaries are the basis for our relationships. What we let in and what we keep out is the stuff of how we are with self, loved ones, friends and business colleagues. Our boundaries are like a door within us. If we were brought up to practice healthy boundaries, the door-
knob is on the inside. In other words, we can take what we want and leave the rest, creating the space for healthy relationship challenges and evolution. However, if we were raised with little or no information about the concept and practice of healthy boundaries, the doorknob is on the outside. Anyone but us can open up our door and throw in anything they want. Thus begins the dance of blame, shame and defensive behaviors; the nemesis of any relationship. Boundaries assessment questions: What is your clients relationship with time? Are they early/late? Do they consistently want to go over time? Are you always responsible for time boundaries? How do they sustain or cross/ play with the boundaries set in your initial agreement
From the moment of contact, your interface with your client is telling you everything you need to know about how they are in relationship.
overall and within each session? Do they keep appointments, or always want to reschedule? If how they do anything is how they do everything, the answers to these questions will reveal their patterns with boundaries. Coaching around these patterns can give important insight to what part your client is playing in their lives, careers and relationships.
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3. How does your client deal with accountability? I tell my daughter that the only thing she really needs to remember is to Do what you say you are going to do. We can give the best parenting advice or have the best coaching intentions, but if the child/client doesnt do what they say they will do, it reflects upon their integrity. Big words and concepts like trust and commitment come into play here. And without these, what can a coaching relationship be? Here are some ways for you and your client to notice accountability in your relationship: What happens with homework? Who initiates the homework? What happens with insights that come from the coaching session? Do you have measurable indicators within the coaching contract and session agreements? Are you tired or rejuvenated after each session? Who is working harder in the coaching relationship: you or your client? If this relationship is draining vs. giving you energy, then this is a good clue you have won the accountability prize! And if your client cant be accountable in coaching, imagine what is happening in the rest of his life? 4. Is there a place for transparency in your coaching relationship? The ultimate test of any relationship is how honest you can really be with each other. Most often referred to as feedback, honesty can come in the form of confrontation. It is related to accountability. However, being accountable or not is one thing; how you handle being confronted with the lack of accountability is yet another layer of the relationship.
The insight you find in your clients willingness to engage in confrontation is critical to their growth because the congruence between what one says one will do and what actually happens creates the difference between excellence, mediocrity and failure. The inability to be transparent and honest about any gaps determines what will happen in that relationship and, systemically, all of your clients other relationships as well. If you dont have a way to handle these situations, you are limiting the value of coaching for your client. Some things to look for: Where are the gaps for your client? What process or agreement can you put into place that will support this transparency and honest feedback? How can you begin your coaching relationship with transparency as a way of assessing your clients ability to engage in it? 5. How are you in relationship with your client? This may be surprising as a clue for successful relationship coaching, but it is the most important. Have you ever noticed that your clients often have coaching issues similar to yours? There are many reasons for this, but I want to point out two. Mirroring People whose personalities and actions tend to push our buttons the most are generally our greatest teachers. These individuals serve as our mirrors and teach us what needs to be revealed about ourselves. Our clients dont recognize the mirroring roles they are acting out for us at a conscious level. Nonetheless, it is no coincidence that we end up together.
Entrainment A physics phenomenon of resonance, entrainment has an effect on all of us. Entrainment is defined as the tendency for two bodies to lock into phase so that they vibrate in harmony. In other words, like attracts like. How we are strongly influences, and arguably determines, who we have as coaching clients. I experienced resonance, mirroring, entrainment and a look at
If your client cant be accountable in coaching, imagine what is happening in the rest of his life?
what role I play in my relationships through working with horses. As a result of their dependence on detecting what is going on in their environment for survival, they are master resonant meters. With my clients, behaviors and mirroring of this resonance tells both of us what we are really resonating. So, I ask you, what are you resonating in the areas of: Setting the foundation of your coaching relationship Your relationship with boundaries Accountability Honesty, transparency and confrontation. And how is your client mirroring these behaviors? Noticing what you are doing in the coaching relationship is a big clue and tool for supporting change for your client!
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By Kat Knecht, CPCC, PCC
Romantic Roadblocks
The intersection of life and relationship coaching
What do you do when you are cruising down the highway of life coaching and you run into a romantic relationship roadblock? Thrown up right in front of you is a clients romantic relationship issue and you dont know which way to turn. Consider the following scenarios: Scenario 1: You are coaching a client on her marketing plan for her yoga studio and its going stunningly well. Not only is her business growing but she is having personal growth moments that warm the cockles of your coachs heart. Then in one call she drops the bombshell: My marriage is falling apart and I think we are going to get a divorce. Can you coach me on this today?
As you coach her, you realize your client is stuck in the thinking that its either the relationship or her spiritual growth. You sense she is about to give up her dream because of the power of the romantic relationship. Scenario 3: You have been coaching a successful executive on moving up in his company, and he is nearing the much-soughtafter destination that you have been working on together. You are expecting to coach him on the final details of this accomplishment when he announces, in the middle of a coaching session, that he is having an affair with the bosss daughter. Then there is the client who comes right out and asks, Would you be willing to coach me and my partner? We have some issues we cant seem to work out and I think you will be able to help us. As a seasoned life and relationship coach who specializes in helping people in their romantic relationships, and as a coach trainer, I often get calls from coaches who have run into a romantic relationship roadblock. We know the various elements of our clients lives are integrated, but when we are hired to partner with a client on a specific element of their lives, other than their romantic relationship, and then we are thrown into the unique
As a relationship coach, when you are working with more than one person on a relationship issue, the relationship is your client.
You feel a sudden drop in the pit of your stomach and hear a plaintive voice in your head saying, What do I do now? Scenario 2: You are coaching a client who has hired you to support her growth in the spiritual aspects of her life. Your client experiences real accomplishment in this area, fully celebrating her achievements. On the next call the client is ready to throw in the towel because her romantic partner doesnt approve.
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Coaches Console phone: (540) 314-8005 USA email: kate@coachesconsole.com www.CoachesConsole.com Frame of Mind Coaching/ Journal Engine phone: (416) 747-6900 ext. 221 email: kim@frameofmindcoaching.com www.journalengine.com www.frameofmindcoaching.com inviteCHANGE phone: (877) 228-2622 USA email: info@invitechange.com www.invitechange.com Limbic Coaching phone: (650) 714-3420 USA email: sylvia@limbic-coaching.com www.limbic-coaching.com MHS Inc. Emotional Intelligence phone: (800) 456-3003 Canada email: Leiki.luud@mhs.com www.mhs.com/ei The PaperRoom Institute phone: (617) 868-0201 email:info@paperroominstitute.com www.thepaperroom.com Practice Pay Solutions phone: (800) 326-9897 USA email: clientrelations@ practicepaysolutions.com www.practicepaysolutions.com Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI) phone: (888) 268-4074 USA email: frankie@ RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com www.RelationshipCoaching Institute.com
elements that romantic relationships can bring, suddenly everything can feel topsy turvy. The questions and concerns in these scenarios are unique to each coach, and reflect the complexity of each client. And yet I have found, with over a decade of research, practical application and positive results,
clients side against a romantic partner and the awful way the partner is treating your client. When emotions are in full force, it is especially easy to get hooked into their story. Romantic relationships can have clients feeling like a victim in a highly emotional way. Clients can also fall into the trap of focusing
My advice is to offer to coach your client, as an individual, about their relationship. Then, if necessary, refer your client to a coach who specializes in working with couples.
that there are a few questions and patterns that recur. Here are the top three questions I get asked, along with my suggestions to guide professional life coaches who are experiencing this very particular quandary. 1. What do you do when a romantic relationship issue shows up during a coaching session? The first piece of advice I have is to acknowledge the client and let them know you see the importance of this topic for them; romantic relationship issues are bound to make our clients feel both vulnerable and urgently needful of guidance, so this step is critical. This is a place where the coaching skill of self-management is especially important. You may have a judgment or an opinion on what they should do, or it may be a place YOU feel vulnerable. Be sure to separate the story from the client and beware of taking the on the other person in the relationship the person who is not being coached at that moment. Keep the focus on your client and do not get swept away by the power of your clients emotions. 2. What do you do when an individual client asks you to coach their romantic relationship? There are different schools of thought among relationship coaches on this issue. Heres mine. Consider the following: when you coach an individual, your client is clearly that person the person with whom you speak during each session. However, as a relationship coach, when you are working with more than one person on a relationship issue, the relationship is your client. In other words, your focus and commitment is to the relationship entity, as distinct from the individuals within the relationship. You can experience professional stress and real mixed feelings when a
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client asks you to switch from working with them as an individual, and to focus on coaching their romantic relationship. It may seem like a simple request (Can we include my partner for a few calls?) but believe me, it is not. Think about this difference: in the relationship with you and your client, there is only one relationship involved. Bring in just one other person and you all of a sudden have a seven-fold increase in complexity, at a minimum (trust me; Ive measured this). In addition, when its romance on the table, the emotional factors will skyrocket. The challenge for you as coach is to be one hundred percent in service to your client. Being asked to make the shift from individual life coach to relationship coach for a romantic partnership may appear simple, but the potential for conflicts-of-interest for you, for the client, for the clients partner, or for all of you, is huge! At best, this is tricky territory. My advice is to offer to coach your client, as an individual, about their relationship. Then, if necessary, refer your client to a coach who specializes in working with couples. This keeps your coach-client relationship clean and clear, and you add value by offering a much-needed expert resource in support of your clients wellbeing. If you choose to go forward with coaching the relationship, it is important to have a clear understanding with your client before you change the focus of your work together from them as an individual to the romantic relationship as the client. Make sure they understand what will be
gained and what will be lost. 3. What are the differences between coaching an individual client and coaching a romantic relationship? The big difference is that there are three of you in the coaching relationship instead of two! Do not be tempted to gloss over this essential difference. When you commit to serving as a relationship coach, your client is the relationship, rather than a person, or two individual people. Your job as coach is to connect with and serve the invisible third entity of The Relationship. You are committed to helping the two people who make up that relationship to see what is there and to explore what needs to happen to make the shift they are seeking. As a coach, this calls for much more direction, including training the client, offering resources, and helping the couple communicate with each other. I would not recommend coaching a romantic couple without having a mentor relationship coach or some basic relationship coach training. Since romantic relationship issues are a part of the human experience, it makes sense that life coaches should be prepared to address them. Just as you prepare to be a safe driver, training and mentoring in relationship coaching is very important. This will ensure that the next time you are driving down the highway of life coaching, you will not encounter a roadblock. Instead you will be ready for any romantic relationship that comes your way on the life coaching highway.
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Limbic Coaching phone: (650) 714-3420 USA email: sylvia@limbic-coaching.com www.limbic-coaching.com MHS Inc. Emotional Intelligence phone: (800) 456-3003 Canada email: Leiki.luud@mhs.com www.mhs.com/ei The PaperRoom Institute phone: (617) 868-0201 email:info@paperroominstitute.com www.thepaperroom.com Practice Pay Solutions phone: (800) 326-9897 USA email: clientrelations@practicepaysolutions.com www.practicepaysolutions.com
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McColl School of Business, Queens University of Charlotte phone:(704) 337-2224 USA email:msec@queens.edu www.queens.edu/MSEC Success Unlimited Network phone: (703) 716-8374 USA email: belfcoach@gmail.com www.belfcoach.com www.successunlimitednet.com
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44
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
corporate leadership
By Jen Todd, MSOD
Its Complicated
Coaching relationships in organizations
I got a call the other day about a potential client. The caller, an employee of the man who was the potential client, described him as a narcissistic, oblivious, controlling vice president of human resources. As I explored and asked questions about the coaching need, the caller kept saying with a deep sigh, well, its complicated.
If you are coaching clients that work in and are sponsored by a system, you are inevitably working in pre-existing intricate patterns of relationships that are either supporting or hindering your clients goals.
Isnt that the truth about coaching in organizations? The complexities are abundant, including relationships with bosses, peers, customers and subordinates; power and authority dynamics; organizational goals; performance criteria; leadership development competencies; legacy patterns of behavior from cultural norms; sponsorship and confidentiality challenges; and the list goes on. I will deal with some of these challenges below. Importance of Relationship Patterns If you are coaching clients who work in and are sponsored by a system (i.e. an organization, group or institution that is initiating or paying for coaching), you are inevitably working in pre-existing intricate patterns of relationships that are either supporting or hindering your clients goals. After working with leaders in various organizations for years, I have one conclusion about a common denomina-
tor in successful system-sponsored coaching engagements: For organization-sponsored clients to achieve their coaching goals, they must shift the relationships in the system they work in, in some way, shape or form, so that they relate to or show up differently to others; and so that others can relate differently to them. System View Coaching The challenge of the coach working in organizations is to be aware of the patterns in how clients relate to and operate with the people around them. This means taking a systems view to coaching that supports both the client and the sponsoring organization. As an organization development professional, my definition
For organization-sponsored clients to achieve their coaching goals, they must shift the relationships in the system they work in, so that they relate to or show up differently to others; and so that others can relate differently to them.
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corporate leadership
of coaching with a system view is: being aware of the parts, processes and relationships in the system the client resides in, and considering their influence and impact to the client and their goals. There are three big lessons I have learned about effectively coaching clients and their relationships in complex systems in order to produce results from the process (see box below). When the coaching process includes a system view and leverages important relationships, we can of-
The challenge of the coach working in organizations is to be aware of the patterns in how clients relate to and operate with the people around them. This means taking a systems view to coaching that supports both the client and the sponsoring organization.
fer a greater impact. Who wouldnt recommend and rave about a coach who facilitates positive changes, not only with the client, but also in their relationships and in the organization? Now thats what I call adding value.
Three Lessons for Coaching Relationships in Complex Organizations

Clarify Sponsors and Clients Commitment Explore fully with both the client and the sponsor what is at stake and what commitment they are willing to make. Both parties need to own their role and engagement in the process. We are all familiar with coaching commitment issues, but I often see coaches overlook the criticality of the sponsors participation. If the sponsor isnt actively supporting the client and the process, its worthy of pause and cause for concern. Take, for example, my recent coaching sponsor at a private investment firm. She was too busy to provide feedback, support or communicate directly in any way with the client in between the official sponsorship conversations where she readily pointed out all the clients performance issues. Lets call a spade a spade. She was not too busy. She was avoiding her responsibilities as manager and not fulfilling her role as sponsor in the process.
ing with the client and their working teams. This kind of relationship coaching is not just about getting feedback; its about holding a container for the conversations that need to happen and supporting the changes needed in the relationship to support the clients goals. Contract Carefully and Continuously I cant stress enough the importance of careful and continuous contracting as the dynamics change in the systems in which we coach minute by minute. The organizational landscape is a slippery slope that needs strong boundaries, unbreakable integrity and clear lines of confidentiality. Recently I found myself in a precarious boundary situation coaching two senior leaders in a large public financial services firm. The coaching sponsors requested private conversations with me multiple times to discuss urgent issues and inadvertently attempted to extract confidential information about coaching conversations with my client. It was near excruciating to receive the upset reactions when I held my boundaries and shone the light on their behaviors from a system view that were contributing to the issues at hand. Though it was a risky proposition, it was necessary to call out behavior patterns in the relationship for which they were responsible, which could hinder the clients success. By careful contracting even in the moment with them, I was able to maintain sponsorship support and create a container for the sponsors and clients to have safe, direct and honest communications with each other. Managing this kind of relationship complexity cant be taken lightly and can be a powerful catalyst for relationship transformation between clients and sponsors.
nclude Key Relationships Across I the System Identify the critical relationships that can support or hinder the clients goals and include them in the coaching process. Get their feedback and lay the foundation for their support of the clients developmental process. If the client has patterns of feedback breakdowns and you are skilled in coaching dyads or small groups, consider coaching the relationships as part of the program. This means beyond individual coaching, you contract to include: boss with client coaching, peers or subordinates with client, or group coach-
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VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
industry news
WHATS GOING ON IN THE COACHING WORLD
The Missing 12th Core Competence of Coaching

Empowering our coaching profession to be sustainable and have a greater impact on the world
Editors Note: We recently received the following open letter to the ICF president and the Global Standards Core Team. By Sylvia Becker-Hill, MA, PCC
ve been a coach for almost 15 years, and Im committed to the sustainability of the coaching profession. It is with a mix of sadness, concern and anger that I have witnessed growing trends that I believe are undermining the value and integrity of our business. As an active leader inside the ICF and PCAM, the statistics regarding coaching revenue and dropout rates as well as the personal stories Ive heard of suffering and frustration are too alarming to ignore.
Coaches charge only hourly fees instead of offering packages priced according to the value of the transformations they provide. This invites comparisons to other industries and misrepresents the transformational aspects of coaching. It also overlooks the clients responsibility for his or her own role in that transformation. Coaches barter with other coaches or sell coaching sessions for a symbolic $1, which undermines the credibility of the profession and their own sense of value for coaching. When coaches obtain the necessary paid coaching hours to gain ICF credentialing this way, it seems like they are cheating and not fulfilling their requirements in the spirit in which the credentialing committee created the minimum paid
When your business is dying, your mission is dying as well.

Following are descriptions of trends that seem to be on the rise within our industry: Coaches under-price their coaching services, which undermines their own sense of value for themselves and for coaching, ultimately limiting their clients potential for transformation. I firmly believe that any coach who charges less than $100 an hour is hurting the industry, themselves AND their clients. The higher the investment in coaching, the higher the clients commitment, and therefore, the bigger the transformation. hours rule to begin with. One reason I am able to identify these trends is because except for the $1 coaching swap Ive been there and done that for many years. But I believe there is hope for all of us. I am not writing to complain or blame but rather to point to the source of these trends, of which Ive only mentioned a few, and to a potential solution one that I strongly believe the ICF, as our main global association and peer community, can provide! I believe one of the main reasons why so many coaches are unable to make
a secure, attractive and increasingly profitable living from their coaching practice is because of the unhealthy split between two identities. The first identity is that of coach, which for a lot of us means being someone who makes a transformational difference in other peoples lives and which some even consider to be a deeply-rooted spiritual calling. The other identity is that of business owner, which unfortunately for a lot of us often translates into being someone who is only interested in making a profit, and which some consider to be materialistic instead of spiritual. There are a lot of reasons for this unhealthy split between these two identities. They include subconscious beliefs about money from family, culture, gender and religious backgrounds. These beliefs create deeply rooted, hardwired paradigms in our brains, resulting in unquestioned emotions and thought-patterns, leading to habits like fearing success as much as failure in our businesses or
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
47
industry news
careers as coaches. Because of these subconscious beliefs, we may avoid marketing and sales, considering such activities to be uncomfortable, embarrassing or dirty and not caring much if our business is growing or not. This may also explain the trend that has led coaches to invest a huge amount of money in their own training. While trying to become the best coaches possible, they add one new modality from a different coaching school each year, gaining credential after credential but rarely investing money in coaching for themselves. They also fail to spend any money on business growth, marketing or sales training! The ICFs 11 Core Competencies reflect this split identity. Please, dont get me wrong here. I LOVE THE 11 CORE COMPETENCIES! I admire the effort our founding fathers and mothers put into them and the work the international team had done to discuss them and define them, bridging cultural differences to define the essence of coaching and the spirit of what we do. I wouldnt be teaching them myself as a coaching trainer and mentor coach if I didnt love them! BUT one core competency is missing The 12th core competency, which I propose naming Business Skills, would have the following sub categories: Money: create a healthy relationship with money, emotionally and mentally, plus learn the basics of money management. Marketing: define your brand and establish communication strategies for reaching your perfect niche and as many people as your business model will allow you to serve while maintaining integrity and high quality. Sales: facilitate professional coaching conversations which result in prospects being able to make an informed clear decision regarding their next step one which results in a commitment to coaching or something else.
Business Building Skills: choose the right business model for the type of business you want to create and for your current phase of development as a coach. Leadership Skills: choose the right support people e.g. a virtual team, employees, business partners or joint venture partners to grow your business and facilitate transformation to the communities you choose to touch. As long as the ICF excludes these competencies from the list of core competencies, it reinforces the identity split between coach and business person. (This is true also for the smaller group of coaches who work as employees inside institutions and corporations. They too need a healthy relationship with money; otherwise they sell themselves short and are
will force coaching training schools to include these topics in their curricula. The next generation of coaches will get a better basic training, and practicing coaches will reevaluate their education strategies and start investing in becoming great business people as well as being great coaches. When your business is thriving, your mission is thriving as well. An increasing income in a coachs bank account mirrors his or her growing contribution and the extent of the difference he or she is making in the world. For every coach who goes out of business, there are thousands of people somewhere in the world whose problems stay unsolved and whose dreams remain unlived. The world needs us more than ever. The world deserves a group of confident profes-
For every coach who goes out of business, there are thousands of people somewhere in the world whose problems remain unsolved and whose dreams remain unlived.
inappropriately reimbursed. They need to market themselves to have satisfying careers; they need to promote and sell coaching internally; they need an understanding of business and what their system needs in order to grow; and they need the above-mentioned leadership skills to partner with the right people and establish coaching cultures inside their systems. Though some details of the actual implementation are different, the essence of these competencies is the same!) If and when the ICF includes the requested 12th core competency, it sional change agents who believe in what they have to offer, who have the courage to promote it, and who have the strategies to bring it into the world. Please consider making 2012 the year in which the ICF, by adding the 12th core competency of business skills to our canon of core competencies, helps thousands of coaches heal their identity split and start a movement of powerful positive change on this planet. Thank you for your attention. Heres to our power to make a fulfilling living while making a difference.
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VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
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ICF-NE Gratitude Awards
2nd International Day on Coaching ICF April 19, 2012 Montevideo, Uruguay LA Coaching Expo 2012! April 28, 2012 The Veterans Memorial Complex, Culver City, California, USA www.icfla.org/Public/Events/LACoachingExpo/ index.cfm International Gay Coaches Conference 2012 Gay Coaches Alliance May 4-6, 2012 Easton Mountain Retreat Center, New York, USA www.thegaycoaches.com/conference ICF Metro DC ~ Capital Coaches Conference June 7, 2012 George Mason University, Fairfax, Virginia, USA www.icfmetrodc.org/capital-coachconference ICF Australasia Conference June 13-15, 2012 Sydney, Australia www.icfaustralasia.com 2012 ICF Midwest Regional Coaches Conference June 22-23, 2012 Chicago, Illinois, USA www.icf-midwestregionalconference.com Conarh Abrh 2012 38th National Congress on Personnel Management August 13-16, 2012 Transamerica Expo Center So Paulo, Brazil 2nd Asia Pacific Coaching Conference September 4-5, 2012 Singapore www.apcc2012.com 2012 ICF Annual International Conference October 3-6, 2012 London, England www.coachfederation.org/London2012
Coaches recognized in several categories
he New England Chapter of the International Coach Foundation (ICF-NE) held its first-ever Gratitude Awards Gala in June, 2011. Winners of the inaugural Leonard Coach of the Year Awards were recognized in four different coaching categories: Business Coaching, Career Coaching, Life Coaching and Executive Coaching. In addition, there was a Spirit of Hope Award and a Board of Directors Award. And the winners are: B usiness Coach of the Year: Kate Hyland Mercer C areer Coach of the Year: Dawn Quesnel Executive Coach of the Year: Stephen Carr Life Coach of the Year: Stephanie Marisca Spirit of Hope Award: Laurie Geary Board of Directors Award: Ed Drozda Also at the Gratitude Gala, Cheryl Richardson, the first president of the national ICF, was inducted into theICF-NE CoachHall of Fame.Coaches Wendy Capland and Chrissy Carew also received Coach Hall of Fame honors at the Gala. The New England Chapter encourages other chapters to hold a Gratitude Gala.
Leonard Coach of the Year and Hall of Fame winners, from left to right: Stephanie Marisca (Life Coach of the Year); Wendy Capland (Coach Hall of Fame); Kate Hyland Mercer (Business Coach of the Year); Cheryl Richardson (Coach Hall of Fame); Chrissy Carew, (Coach Hall of Fame); Dawn Quesnel (Career Coach of the Year).
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1
49
final say
By Maggie Currie
o many of us focus so much on caring for others that we forget all about caring for ourselves. But when we dont take the time to care for ourselves, it can be extremely damaging to our health. It is often instilled into us as we grow up that we should care for others first and ourselves last. But I think this belief is wrong and it is not selfish to look after ourselves first. There is a story that really hits home with me and affects me every time I read it. A mother was taking a flight on a plane with her twin daughters, aged five. There was an emergency, the oxygen masks came down and the mother, although she had listened to
SHARING thoughts and wisdom toward better coaching
Put Your Own Mask On First!

Why we should care for ourselvesbefore caring for others
samples of the caregivers DNA. They measured the length of their telomeres, which are essentially the end caps on DNA; the nearest I can come to describing these is something like the plastic end caps on shoelaces. As we age, our telomeres gradually shorten just like the end caps on shoelaces get worn away. Interestingly, measuring the length of telomeres is one of the most accurate ways of measuring the age of the body. Studying the telomeres of 39 women who cared for chronically ill children and 19 women who were mothers to healthy children, the researchers found that the telomeres of the most stressed caregivers were 15 percent shorter than those of the least stressed women. The scientists concluded that
Kindness to ourselves is like taking a breath. It replenishes us so that we can give even more.
the safety announcements and knew what to do with her mask, did not put her mask on first. Instead she tried to get masks on her twin daughters to no avail. Because she had not put her mask on she soon could not breathe, became unconscious and couldnt help herself or her daughters. All of them died. If she had put her mask on first she would have been able to calmly fit the masks on her daughters and they would probably all have survived. So no, it is not selfish to look after yourself first; it is vital. A study of caregivers in 2004 highlighted how caring for others too much can hurt us. Examining a group of caregivers who looked after chronically ill children, scientists at the University of California in San Francisco analyzed this degree of shortening was equivalent to at least 10 years of extra aging. In 2007 a study of caregivers of Alzheimers patients found something similar. University of Ohio scientists studied the telomeres of 41 caregivers of Alzheimers patients and compared them with the telomeres of noncaregivers, once again finding that the caregivers had much shorter telomeres. Giving too much can hurt us. It is important that we learn to care for ourselves, too. It doesnt make us unkind or selfish. Were not caring less for those who depend upon us. Were not saying, I matter more than you. We are simply caring for our own needs and looking after our own health, so that we have more to give in future. For people who give too much and
are feeling tired and/or stressed, the question I always ask is, If it was a friend or loved one who was in your position, what would you advise them? We know what to do, but how often do we do what we know? One way to think of it is like blowing up a balloon. We exhale a full breath and the balloon begins to inflate. But what do we do next? We take in a large breath to enable us to put more air in the balloon. Kindness to ourselves is like taking a breath. It replenishes us so that we can give even more. If we forget to take a breath we eventually have nothing more to give, and the balloon is left to deflate. We help others more when we also care for ourselves. Kindness can make the world a better place, but we must not forget to show kindness to ourselves, too.
50
VOLUME 10 NUMBER 1

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Coaching Client Relationships

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Coaching Client Relationships

25  Family Relationship Coaching

29  The Conscious Relationship

37 Climb To The Summit!

Five essential clues to successful relationship coaching By Lisa Murrell

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7 choice feedback 8 contributors

ICF-NE Gratitude Awards

 Coaches recognized in several categories

connect with us:

From The Publisher

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While preparing for this issue

Garry Schleifer, PCC, CMC

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BOOKS TO ENHANCE THE COACHING LIFESTYLE

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Making Love Work

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Mother Hennas Coloring Book for People of All Ages

The Art of the HeartSell Conversation

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DiD You Know?

An iCF CreDentiAl DemonstrAtes:

other BeneFits oF AttAining An iCF CreDentiAl:

Learn How to become an icf credentiaLed coacH at coacHfederation.org/credentiaL

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My client is struggling with relationships

the situation the experts weigh in

By Victoria Trabosh, CDC

Are you grappling with a sticky situation?

Celebration, Collaboration, Connection! Raising the Bar!

FRIDAY, JUNE 22 - SATURDAY, JUNE 23, 2012

COME FOR THE CONFERENCE. STAY FOR THE EXPERIENCE!

SPECIAL GUEST: JANET HARVEY, ICF PRESIDENT

CONFERENCE MC: BARBARA MCAFEE, SINGER/SONGWRITER, AUTHOR & VOICE COACH

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25 Family Relationship Coaching

29 The Conscious Relationship

Coaches recognized in several categories

Many people call themselves coaches without training or credentials.