Chapter3:YouShouldSeeHowMuchBloodImGettingOut:MyKneeNightmareBegins Istartedhighschoolinthefallof1975eagertocontinuecompetinginspeechtournaments,actinplays, andmeetnewboys.IwantedtheseboystobeliketheOsmondbrothers,WallyCleaverandtheguyin BeverlyClearysbook,Fifteen,whotakesthegirltoaChineserestaurantforherfirstdate.Iwantedlong conversations,handholding,kissesonthefrontporch.Dancingandfreemealsinrestaurantssounded good,too.Thecountrymighthavebeengoingthroughasexualrevolution,butIwaslongingforthe 1950s.Ineverfoundthem;maybetheyneverexisted.Highschoolbecameanotherdisappointmentin myquesttofindlove. Ihadaboyfriend,Chuck,forafewmonthsin9thgradeandithadtakenthreetimesaslongtogetover him.Ihadntevenpickedhim.Infact,ItoldhimfromthestartthatIwasdestinedtobewithTom(a boyinmysistersgradewhoIdhadacrushsincewedspentoneperfectdayonthebeachtogether whenIwas13).IremembercallingTomaCadillacamongmen.Chucksaid,howabouthanging aroundwithaVolkswagenwithshinyhubcapsuntiltheCadillaccomesaround.Hewascleverand persistent.Afterthefirstkiss,Iwashooked. Isoonhadourlivestogetherplanned.AfterhighschoolwewouldgetgotocollegeinOrlando.

do.Afterwe graduatedwedgetmarriedandmovetoSt.Petersburg,FloridawhereIwouldworkasareporterand hewouldgetamedicaldegreeatUniversityofSouthFloridainTampa.Ithoughtthathavingadoctoras ahusbandwouldbeideal.Ifhetoldmenottoworryaboutanacheorpainorlump,Iwouldnthaveto andhewouldknowwhensomethingwasreallywrongandknowhowtofixit.IwantedChucktobean anesthesiologistbecausetheydidnthavetoseetheirpatientsnakedandIdoubtedthat anesthesiologistswereoncallallthetime,sothatwouldbeidealforwhenwehadchildren. Anesthesiologistswerethedoctorswhocameinforscheduledoperationsandmadesurethatthe patientscouldsleepthroughpain(howkind)andkeepbreathing(howimportant!).Thisplanhadmy fathersfingerprintsalloverit.Irememberhimsayingthatchoosingananesthesiologistwasthekeytoa successfuloperation. Icanseenowwhyallofmyfutureplansforuscoupledwithmypracticallymilitantvowofchastitymight havebeenoverwhelmingfora15yearoldboy.Butwhenhebrokeupwithmetodatemybestfriend alargebreastedgirlwholivedonthelake,hadaccesstoamotorboatandlackedacurfewIwas shatteredandconfused. LongbeforeIwouldrealizethathighschoolboyswerejustasdisappointingasjuniorhighboys(except generallybigger,hairier,andpushier),Iwasconfrontedwithmyfirstmajorphysicalchallenge.Itwas notthekindofchallengetheycelebratedinphysicaleducationclasses.Butthatswhereitstarted.This wastobemylastyearofgym.Ilookedforwardtonomoresmellylockerrooms.Nomoreinadequate showerswithothermodestgirlsintheirunderwearandbras.Nouglygymsuits.Nomorethreatstomy gradepointaverage.NomorehavingtoplaygamesthatIwasntgoodat.Nomoretryingtowalkthe linebetweentryingnottosweatandtryingnottobesingledoutasaslacker.Nomorebeingpicked lastforteamsor,evenworse,atthebeginningofthesemesters,beingconsideredawastedpickbythe 19

teamcaptainwholetmyheightdeceiveherintothinkingIcouldshootabasketball.Nomoreworrying aboutgettinghurtwhenIinevitablylostmybalanceonabeam,hadthewindknockedoutofmebya kickedsoccerball,orgotspikedbyavolleyball.NomorefailingthePresidentsPhysicalFitnessTest. ThankGod. IhadcursedJohnF.Kennedyeveryyearsinceseventhgradeforthisabomination.Thetesthadbeenhis ideatopromotefitnessamongadolescentsbyassessingthemonvariousphysicalchallengesand comparingtheirscorestoanationallyrecommendedlevelofperformance.Forme,itinspired humiliationandanxiety.Idontknowwhatstudentsgotiftheymetorexceededthestandards.Itmight havebeenapatonthebackoracertificateorametal.Therewasnobribebigenoughtogetmeto meetthenationalstandardsbecausetheproblemwasntmotivation.Inevercameclosetopassing. Unlikemymotherandhergenerationwhohadtotrytoclimbaropehangingfromthegymceiling,my peersandIweretestedonseventasks:howfarwecouldthrowasoftball;howfarwecouldjumpfrom astandingposition;howlongwecouldhangfromabar;howmanysitupswecoulddo;howfastwe couldrun50yards;run/walk500yards;andcompletetheshuttlerun(run30yardsandpickupan eraser,run30yardsandputitdown,run30yardsandpickupanothereraser,runanother30yards). Thisiswhatwedideachyear.Isupposethestandardswentupasweaged,butIwassofarfrom meetingthem,Ididntnotice. TheonlytwoeventsthatIeverdidwellonwerethesitupsandthebroadjump.BothofthoseI practicedathome.Icoulddo100situps(althoughIthinkourgoalwasonly50)andoneyearIjumped furtherthananyoneinmyclass(crushingtherequirement).Thiswastheresultofmonthsofpracticein myparentsbedroom.Thump,thump,thumpwatchawkwardStephiehurlherselfacrossthefloorand measurethelengthwithayardstick. TheeventsIdreadedthemostweretherunningones.IstillhadtherunningthroughJellOproblem thatmymotherobservedyearsearlier,somy50yarddashesweredreadful.IfIrecallcorrectlyitwould takemeeightandahalfsecondsoflegsandarmsflailingtocompletetherun.Irememberoneofmy gymteachersaskingmeifIwasserious,orjustkiddingaround.Iwasnobetterattheshuttlerun,the quickturnsandbendingforerasersdidnothingtoimprovemyspeed.The500wasalwaysthelastevent thatweddo.Alleyeswereonthegirlswhohadmettheexpectationsfortheotherevents.Itwas actuallycalledthe500yardrun/walk,butwhenIdecidedtowalkitoneyear,keepingpacewiththe palegirlwhohadasthma,theteachermademedoitagain.RunningitmademysidehurtandIdfeela littlenauseous,butcrossingthefinishlinewouldsignifytheendofthefrustratingandembarrassing unit.Iwouldhaveanotheryearbeforehavingtodothisagain. SincemostofmyjuniorhighattendedadifferenthighschoolthanIdid,Ididntknowanyoneinmy tenthgradegymclass.BeforeIcoulddemonstratemylackofphysicalprowessonafieldorcourt,we startedthefitnesstest.Wemightaswellgetthisdegradationoverwith,Ithought,asIranmypitifully slowshuttlerun.Unfortunately,theteacherhadpushedthewrongbuttononthestopwatch,soshe didnthaveascoreforme.Iremembertellingherthatshecouldputdownwhateverwasthelowest 20

scoreintheclasssinceIneverdidverywellonthetest.ShesaidthatIneededtorunitagainonce everyoneelsehadfinished.Itwasthelastclassperiodoftheday,sothedirtthatwehadbeenrunning onwasbadlytornupbythetimeIdidtherunagain.Thatmightexplainwhyatonepointmyfoot twistedandmylegkeptgoing.Beingawkwardandafraidoffallingprobablycontributedtotheproblem. AsIfellitfeltlikeIwasmovinginslowmotion,afeelingIwouldexperiencelaterduringcaraccidents.I laidonthegroundscreamingfromthepaininmykneeandleg.ClassmatesrushedovertowhereIlaid. Thestudentswhosurroundedmelookedhorrified.Ilookeddownatwheretheystared.Mylegdidnt looklikealeganymorenowthatthekneewaspushedfarovertotheright.Ingrid,aprettygirlfromone ofmyotherclasses,heldmyhand.Herfriend,Teresa,chatteredtodistractme.Iheardsirens.An ambulancearrived.TheEMTsputaninflatablecastonmylegtoimmobilizeitfortheride.Iremember theagonyoftheparamedicstakingoffmyshoetoputthecaston.Theyrushedmetothehospital.I criedandaskedquestionsnervously.AlltheytoldmewasthatIdbefine;thedoctorswouldfixit. Iwasquicklywheeledintoanemergencyroomcubicle.Thenthebreakneckwehaveanemergency speedofeventswhichhadbothfrightenedme(thismustbeserious)andreassuredme(theyreon topoftheproblemandseemsocompetent)stopped.Iwaitedandwaited,achingandmoaningonthe gurney.Noonegavemeanythingforthepain.Noonetoldmewhatwasgoingon.Nooneanswered anyquestions,andnoonetoldmewhatwasgoingtohappennext.Theysimplyaskedmeformyname andphonenumberandsaidthattheyneededtocallmymotherbeforetheycoulddoanything.Itwas longbeforethedaysofcellphones,andmymotherwasnthome.Mygrandmotherwasthere,butshe couldntdriveandeitherdidntthinktogivethemmyfathersworknumberortheywereunableto locatehimaswell.Mymotherwasatanotherhospitalvisitingherfather.Notagooddayforher,buta worseoneforme.Astimewenton,mytendonsandligamentsstayedstretchedout,bloodfilledmy kneesocket,andIwasinmisery.Whenmymotherfinallyarrived,shecameintomycubicleandgasped. Shetoldmelaterthatmyleglookedlikeaporkchopinsteadofaleg.Itwasmisshapenand discolored.Shesignedtheformsthatallowedthedoctorstoattendtoa15yearoldminor.They poppedmykneebackintoplace.Ofcoursethishurt,butnotasmuchasthedislocationandthewaiting. Immediatelyafterwarditfeltbetterthanithadforthe2hoursithadbeenoutofplace.Theyputmein animmobilizer,gavemecrutches,andsentmehome. ThreedayslaterIwenttoanorthopedicdoctorthatmyfathersaidcamehighlyrecommended.Ihad beenuncomfortableallweekendfollowingdirectionsnopressureonthatleg,lotsofice,aspirin.The kneewasswollentothesizeofavolleyballandstillthrobbing,butIassumeditwouldgetbetter.Iwas anxiousaboutgoingtothedoctors,buthadnoideawhathewoulddoorrecommend.IassumedIdbe putintoacast.Ipreparedmyselfforthat.IadjustedtothelevelofpainthatIwasexperiencingfocusing onhowmuchlessitwasthantheaccidentandtherelocation.Perhapstheworstwasbehindme. AllIrememberaboutDr.Meanslookswasthathewasabigguy.Itwashismannerthatwasmore memorable.HewasexactlylikethehighschoolboysIwasstartingtobeunimpressedbybulkyand aggressive.Hewasinahurryandseemedirritatedthatwewerethere.Helookedmeoverbrieflyand said,Thisisalateraldislocation.Itneedstobedrained.Thenwellputacastonit.Nurse,prepareher. 21

Istartedtoaskaquestion,buthewasalreadyoutthedoor.Thenursewasflusteredandfollowedhim out.IstartedaskingmymotherthequestionsIwantedtoaskthedoctor.Whatdoesthatmean?How dotheydrainit?Howlongwillittake?Andofcoursethemostimportantquestion:willithurt?Iwanted topreparemyself. Idontknow.Imsurehellcomebackandtellusmore,shesaid.Thenthenursecameinandstarted tocleanmyknee.Shewasannoyedanddistracted.ShewascalledawaybeforeIcouldinterrogateher. Thenweheardbloodcurdlingscreamsfromdownthehall.Aboywasscreamingandgaspingand beggingformercy.Itwaschilling.Afewminutesafterhestopped,thedoctorwasbackinmyroom. Shehasntpreparedyouyet?Hebellowedangrilyturningtoleave. Wait,Iyelled,whatdoyoumeanbydraining?Whatareyougoingtodo?Helookedatmewitha grimaceofannoyance. Itsnothing!Ijusttakethebloodout.Ijustdidittoakiddownthehall. Theonewhowasscreamingbloodymurder?Iasked,feelingmyeyeswidenwithhorror. Oh,yeah.Soyouheardhim?Thenhewasgone. MymotherandIlookedateachotherinshock.Istartedtowhimperandhyperventilate.Sheknewshe couldntreassureme.Whatcouldshesay?Wecouldhearthedoctoryellingatthenurse.Shecamein fuming.Shebrisklyfinishedcleaningmykneeandgavemeashotonthesideoftheknee.Theideaofa shotinthekneefreakedmeoutandhurt,butIknewthatthiswassupposedtobewhathelpedwiththe painfromtheneedleusedfordraining.Whatmustthatneedlebelike? Thedoctorjoinedus.HepinchedmykneeCanyoufeelthis?Yes.Canyoufeelthis?Yes.Well,I donthavetimetowaitforthattotakeeffect,hesaidglaringatthenurse.Soletsgetstarted.Getup onthetable. Ishouldhavesaidno.Ishouldhavesaid,Youneedtofindthetime.ButIwas15yearsold.Hewasthe doctor.Hehadthepower,andIdidnot.Ilaydownonthetable.Hecameatmewithabiggerneedle thanIhadimaginedwasusedonahuman.Heinserteditundermykneecapandstartedtoextract blood.Ialternatedbetweenscreamingandgaspingashedugtheneedlein.Ithadhurtgoingin,butit wasunbearableashemoveditaround.Atonepointhepusheddownonmykneecapwithhislefthand whileguidingtheneedleundermykneewithhisright.Mywholebodyjerkedinaninvoluntaryresponse tothepain.Hegrowled,StopmovingorIllstickitinagain.IthinkIstartedbegginghimtostopor tryingtotellhimhowmuchithurt.Asifhedidntknow.Ithought,isitsupposedtohurtthismuch? Somethingmustbewrong.Irememberhesaid,Youthinkthisfeelsbad,youshouldseealltheblood Imsuckingoutofyou.Couldthatberight?Couldthosebethewordsofadoctor?Maybehesaid, gettingout?Eitherway,Irememberthinking,no,knowingthathewasenjoyinghimself.Hisnurse 22

hatedhim.Thelittleboydownthehallhatedhim.Mymotherhatedhim.Ihatedhim.Butitdidntmake anydifference;hecouldhurtmeasmuchashewantedto.HewasTheDoctor.Hehadtheauthorityand theneedle.Myonlydefensewastochangedoctorsandwedid. IworetheankletothighcastthatDr.Meanputonthatdayformonths.Igotitsignedbymynew friends.Isuccessfullyuseditinmycampaigntogetinstudentgovernment,plasteringmyposterswith, Castyourvoteforthegirlinthecast!asmyslogan.Idraggeditaroundatfootballgames,clompingup thebleachers.Ilearnedhowtosleepdeadstillonmyrightsidewithmyheavystraightrightleg anchoredtothebedandmyleftlegbent(apositionIusedexclusivelyforoveradecade).Iwas transferredtoaphysicaleducationclassweaffectionatelycalledMisfitPEwhereweplayedboard gamesandpingpong.Ididthelegliftsandkneeflexesthatmynewdoctorrecommendedreligiously.I worriedabouthavingmykneedrainedagain. Ihadbeentoldthatthekneecouldfillwithbloodorwaterandmightneedtobedrainedagain.Iwasnt surehowmuchofthepainIhadexperiencedwasduetotheprocedureandhowmuchwasduetothe doctorstechnique.Ineededaplan.MaybeIcouldtalkmynewdoctoroutofdraining.Dr.Mellow seemedlikeakindlaidbackman.Maybehewouldbereceptivetoanotherapproach.Ipracticed persuasiveargumentsinmyhead.MaybeIcouldgetthatkidinmyEnglishclasstosellmesome marijuana.Ihadneverbeentemptedtotakedrugsbefore(andwasntsureIdbeabletofigureouthow sinceIdneversmokedacigarette),butsurelyhavingmykneedrainedwouldbemoretolerableifIwas high. Asitturnedout,Ididnthavetogetmykneedrainedagain.ThecastwastakenoffandIwassenttoa physicaltherapist.Iwasshownexercisestodoathome.Mostoftheseweretypesoflegliftswith weightsonmyankles.Itwasbeforetheymarketedlegweightsthatyoucouldwrapandstraparound you.Minehadpacketsofbirdshotthatwouldbeplacedinthepocketsofasaddlebaglikethingthat wouldbeplacedacrossmyfoot.Wedaddmorepelletsastheweekswentby.Liftandhold,countto5. Overandoveragain.Itwasdifficultandmonotonous. WhenIreturnedtoDr.Mellow,heexaminedmyknee.Hehadmeextendmykneefrombenttostraight whilesittingontheendoftheexaminingtablewhileheheldmyankleforresistance.Ihadregainedall ofmymotionbutwasstillworkingonregainingmystrength.Hehadmerepeatthemove.Yourenot doingyourexercises,hescoldedsternly. Yes,Iam,Isaid.ThisreprimandwassurprisingbecauseIhadbeendoingtheexercisesandtook everythingseriously. Mymotheragreed,noting,Shedoesseemtodoalotofexercises. Headmonishedmetodomore.Iwastoincreasethenumberofrepetitionsbeforeournextvisit.So,I didmoreexercises. 23

Atthenextvisit,heagainhadmestraightenmyleg.Again,hesaid,Yourenotdoingyourexercises. Youarenotgoingtogetbetterifyoudontdothem.Youhavetotakethisseriously. Ihatedbeingintrouble.IwaslittleMissObedient.Ihadtodefendmyself.ItoldhimthatIwasdoingthe exercises.ItoldhimhowmuchweightIwasliftinginmylittlefootsatchelandhowmanyrepetitionsI dideachday.Hesaid,Showme.IthinkhethoughthewascallingmybluffandIwouldntbeabletodo theexercisesthatIsaidIcoulddo.Instead,hesaid,Thosearethewrongexercises.Theyarebuildingup thewrongmuscle.Youneedtostrengthenthemusclethatisgoingtoholdyourkneecapin,nottheone thatwillpullitout.HepointedouthowmykneecapwobbledeverytimeIbentmykneepullingtoward therighttryingtoescapethesocket.Mybiggestproblemwasntstrength,itwasstability.Youneedto exerciseyourkneethewaythephysicaltherapisttoldyouto,heobjected,notthisway.Onceagain hewasblamingme. Thisisthewaythephysicaltherapisttoldmetodothem,Iinsisted. Mymotherbackedmeup:Stephiedoeswhatshestold. Sothedoctorcalledthephysicaltherapist.SheconfirmedthatshehadtrainedmetodotheexercisesI wasdoing.Thescripthehadwrittentoherofficewashardtoread.Thisiswhatshethoughthewanted hertodo.Forweeksmylegmuscleshadshriveledinmyheavyplastercast(aremedyfordislocations thatisnolongerused)andnowthekeymuscleshadcontinuedtoatrophyforweeks.Thedoctor concludedthatasolutiontomyproblemachronicsubluxingpatellawouldneedtobesurgical.He recommendedthatheperformalateralreleasewheretheycuttheligamentsthatpullthekneecap outward,cleanupthedamagedcartilageundertheknee,andmovethemusclefromtheinnerpartof thelegoverthetopofthekneetohelpholditin.IhadthoughtthatIhadrecoveredsinceIwas walkingcomfortably,soIwassurprisedbythisrecommendation.Sowasmymother.Shetookmeto anotherdoctorforasecondopinion.Thatdoctorconfirmedthatmykneecapwasntresting comfortablyinthekneesocket;itwaspullingtotherightwhenIhadfullmotion.Theoperation recommendedwastheconventionalsurgicalapproachtotryandcorrectit. Thatsummer,Ihadthesurgery.Iwasinthehospitalforaweek.Ittookmedaystobeabletoliftmyleg offofthebedwithoutusingthetoesofmyleftfoottohelp.Perhapsbecausemypainwasinalimb insteadofmycore,Icoulddistractmyselffrommostofit.Thepainswerealsofamiliarandwithinthe realmofwhatthenursesweretellingmeIwouldfeel,soIwasntafraid.Iwasuncomfortable.Thescar wasnastylooking(andfeeling)withdriedbloodandstickypussoozingoutofit.Mykneeachedalot, butthatwassimilartotheweekendafterthedislocation.Physicaltherapyinthehospitaltaughtme howtowalkagaintorolloffofmytoeinsteadofprotectivelyliftingmyleg.Thepainfromthatmotion wassimilartowhatIdfeltafterthecastcameoff.Itwasmoreintense,butitdidntalarmme.There werentbigsurprises,exceptperhapstheterribleconstipationfromhospitalfood,myimmobility,and havingwilledmybodynottocreateexcrementuntilIcouldhobbletothebathroomonmyown.No grossbedpansforme!ImusthavehadatleastoneIV,butIdontrememberit,soitmusthavegone smoothly.Iremembergettingflowers,littledailypresentsfrommymother,lotsofvisitsandphonecalls 24

fromfriends.OneofthemintroducedmetoKurtVonnegutbookswhichkeptmebusytherestofthe summer. Theincisionwassixincheslong.Itisstillvisibletoday,34yearslater,althoughithasfadedsome.Thenit wasthickandred.Notattractive,Ithought.ThatwassomethingofadisappointmentsinceIhad consideredmylegsmyfinestbodyfeature.Onmyface,myeyeswon.Onmybody,ithadtobethelegs. IthoughtthiswasagoodthingbecauseIdliketoattractalegsmanwhomIsuspectedwouldbemore maturethanthosewhowereattractedtomoresexuallydefinedbodyparts.Admittedly,thiswasa strangewaytolookatthings,butthatshowIfeltatthetime.Ifeltlikeoneofmymostmarketable featureswasnowmarredandtherewasntanythingIcoulddoaboutit. Maybeitwasbetterthiswaybecausemygrandmotherhadalwayssaidthatbeautywasacurse.She hadntelaborated,butIthinkshemeantthatyoucouldnttrustwhatbeautybought.Forherthatwas afailedfirstmarriageandanunhappysecondonetomygrandfather.Mymothersaid,beautyhurts andwhenIstartedpluckingmyeyebrows,Ihadtoagree.Inretrospectitseemedlikesheraisedme moretobelievethatbeautywasntworththetrouble,becausetheonlymakeupmymotherroutinely worewaslipstick.Itwashardtotellintheblackandwhitephotographsfromherpremarriageyears,if thathadalwaysbeenthecase.ThereshewasposingwithherhandonherhipnexttoherRoadsterwith aslightlysuggestivesmile.Maybethelessonwasthatyouonlyneededtoworkatbeautyuntilyougot married.WhenIaskedherwhyshedidntwearmakeupmoreoften,shesaid,thenpeoplewould expectit.Bettertohavethemgetusedtotheunadornedfaceandbepleasantlysurprisedsometimes, thengetthemusedtoseeingmakeupanddisappointedwhentheyseehowyoulookwithoutit.It madesensetome.Notshavingyourlegsdidntmakesense.Thatseemedtobetakingittoofar.Yet,my motherresistedtheconvention.Eventhough,likeme,herlegswereheroutstandingfeature.Sohaving anuglyscarseemedlikeaproblemtomemostlybecauseIhadnotyetfoundMr.Right. AftergettingoutofthehospitalIspentthesummerrecovering.Therewasmoretimeoncrutches,then awalkingbrace,thenkneeexercises,lotsofvisitstothedoctor.Unfortunately,mykneecontinuedto slidetotherightwhenIstraighteneditjustlikeithadbeforesurgery.Thedoctoradmittedthatthe operationhadntworked.Hesaidtherewasanothersurgerywecouldtrywhichwouldattempttofix theproblembymovingboneinsteadofmuscle.Hetalkedaboutcuttingbonesandusingscrewsand takingscrewsoutandfulllegandhipcasts.Itsoundedawful.Whatsthechancethatthatoperation willwork?mymotherasked. Well,itdoesnthaveasgoodatrackrecordastheonewetried,headmitted. Whatifthisdoesntgetfixed?sheasked. Thedoctorexplainedthatsincethecartilagewasthickerwheremykneewassupposedtorestthan whereitdid,Iwouldwearitdown.ItwaslikelythatIwoulddeveloparthritisinmykneeatafairly youngage.Irememberhisexactwords: 25

Shellhavean80yearoldkneebythetimeshes30.Healsosaidthatthekneejointwouldneverbe verystrong,itcouldnotwithstandalot.Mychancesofhavinganotherdislocationwerehigh.Therefore, Ishouldlimitmyphysicalactivity.Specifically,Ishouldneverski,waterski,skate,iceskate,run,jump,or kneel.AndIshouldavoidwalkingupordownstairs. Forhowlong?Iasked. Fortherestofyourlife,hereplied. IknewthatIwouldnthavethesecondoperation.Itdidntmakesensetometodoso.Ihadlearnedthat operationsthatdidntworkweresomethingthatdoctorswouldstilltry.Justbecausetheycoulddo anotheroperationdidntmeanIhadtoletthem.Ihadalreadywastedasummertryingtheoperationhe originallysaidhadthebestchanceofworkingandithadbeenaggravating,uncomfortable,and disappointing.Ididntwanttohaveanotherone.Besides,Icouldalwayshaveonelaterifthingsgot worse.EleventhgradewasstartingsoonandIwantedtoexperienceitontwolegs.SoIleftDr.Mellow andhisbadhandwritingandbleakpredictionsbehindknowingthatthethingsIwantedtodo,Icoulddo despitehisdauntinglistofdonts. Iwouldactinplays,competeinspeechtournaments,gotofootballgamesandwatchmovieswithmy friends.Iwouldexcelinclasses.SowhatifIneededtobecarefulwithmyknee?Ihadalwaysbeen carefulwithmybody.Inowhadlicensetostoppeoplefromtryingtogetmetobelesscareful.Sorry,I cantgodothat,Ihaveabadknee.Icould(andwould)say.Ifanyonechallengedme,Icouldcuptheir handovermykneewhileIstraightenedmylegandtheycouldfeeltheabruptpowerfulslideofmyknee capagainsttheirhandasitpulledtotheoutside.Itwaspersuasive(andcreepy).Ichosetothinkofitas apartytrickoraconversationstarter,ratherthanadeformity.ThescarwasamarkofwhatIhad enduredandvisualevidenceofmyuniqueness.Therefore,Iwasneverembarrassedbyit.Idecidedto embracealifethatdidntneedtwogoodkneesandtrynottothinktoomuchaboutitslimitations.I wouldcontinuetoprioritizethoughtsandwordsovermotion.IdidntthinkIwashidinginbooksand conversations,IwaslivingthelifeIwasgiven.ItwasalifeIwouldbegoodatandenjoy.

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