Fitzwilliam Darcy: All right? John Thornton: Ive been better. FD: Hmmm, I know that look.

Youve got woman trouble and I bet I know of just what kind. Dont tell me. You met a girl with more than the full complement of opinions. You then spent several weeks trying to tell yourself you didnt like her, in spite of the fact that you were thinking about her all the time and pretty much wanted to er marry her without delay. You popped over to share the glad tidings and, instead of being deeply sensible of the honour and sobbing into your shirt front with gratitude, she read you a lecture about your shortcomings and started eyeing the fireirons. JT: Thats exactly what happened how did you know? FD: Been there, done that, bought the cravat. Theres more. Having trodden her dainty feet all over your heart, Ill bet the ranch she then made some crack about you being ungentlemanly. JT: Oh yes I got that off both barrels. FD: Thought so. Me too. Classic get-lost-you-lowlife tactic. I take it you exited stage right in a bigger hurry than you arrived? JT: I did. FD: And then your own family started getting on the case and, before you knew where you were, youd got some funereal old bird giving you the yap about how your bride of choice was, in fact, Satan in petticoats. JT: Yeah, my mother did have one or two things to say on the subject. FD: I had an aunt sticking her beak in. Did your girlfriend get a visit from the old crone? JT: She certainly did. FD: I knew it. And did the light of your life give the old dear a flea for her trouble? JT: Yep. Big time. FD: Your woman-of-choice and mine arent sisters by any chance are they? Shes got a load of sisters, I lose count .

JT: Only if her fathers a deceased ex-clergyman. Shame hes deceased - he was a nice old boy, I really liked him. FD: Not sisters then. My father-in-law is still among us. Hes a good bloke as it goes, but the mother . dont get me started. JT: Nightmare? FD: The full ticket to dreadful. All I can say is thank God there are a lot of miles and bad roads between Derbyshire and Hertfordshire. Whats your girlfriends old lady like? JT: Dead. FD: Result. Howd you manage that? JT: I polluted the local climate with my factory and it aggravated her consumption. Cost me a fortune in fruit baskets before she finally shuffled off though. Never bought so many flippin grapes. FD: So, to recap: you had the offer of your heart and mattress callously given the full frosty. I take it youve spent the time since being thoroughly miserable and reforming your character? JT: Check on both counts. If you knew how much stew Ive had to eat in the company of oiks just to impress her. FD: I know the drill. I had to cosy up to my tenants and bribe my housekeeper to spread the word. Believe me, itll be worth it in the end - women lap all that stuff up. What you need now is some family crisis that you can sort out on the QT, so you can look heroic but modest with it. I had a stroke of luck in that department. The beloveds silly cow sister ran off with a total scumbag. I strongarmed the scumbag into doing the decent thing. Cost me a packet but the dream date started to look more favourably on the old suit so it was worth every penny. JT: Im already sorted on that one thanks. There was some trouble with this girls brother. Never met him but he sounds like a bit of a numpty to be honest. Anyway, he landed her with a possible court appearance which made her lip wobble big time. Couldnt have that, so I put a stop to it. FD: What did she say to that? JT: Not much, although she has stopped lecturing me about my moral duty every time I enter a room, so thats a step up. Im going to see her later this morning

actually. She wants to lend me 18 grand. FD: 18 grand eh? Well, its none of my business mate, but I think you might be in there. JT: I dunno. I saw her at dinner last night and she wasnt very chatty. Looked a bit pink though. FD: Well, play it by ear. See how she is this a.m. Have you got some romantic gesture up your sleeve just in case the moment presents? JT: Its not up my sleeve, its in my waistcoat pocket. Ive got some roses in there that come from her hometown. Shes completely sentimental about the place. FD: Impressive. If she doesnt want to snuggle up after that I think youll just have to cut your losses. JT: Oh well, better get going dont want to be late. Just one thing though . do you think theres any truth in the saying that if you want to know what your wife will be like in 20 years, just look at her mother? [Long, long pause.] FD: Lets hope, for your sake and mine, that there isnt.