I wonder where Im to start speaking of the journey Ive been on.

The things I have experienced, the things I have seen, all the emotions that I found and rediscovered To put into words my story to try and capture all the things God has done in my life its quite a daunting task. Theres just so much I want to say, and share. I wish my emotions, sincerity and gratefulness would overflow out of me and somehow speak instead. How great is my God. How incredibly merciful, how beautiful, how majestic, how perfect and mine. This is how it begins My childhood was filled with big dreams and many blessings. I was showered with love in my home, I grew up not knowing true failure, the things I received, I never worked for. A sheltered environment. I grew up thinking that making a change in the world is a matter of passion and desire. I grew up thinking that I could become someone Big someone that is great and in my naivet, it was for Christ that I would do these things. Id sit in front of the television quite often, watching charity infomercials, promising myself and the children I saw on tv that I would go for them. That my life would be about showing them love, giving them their fair chance at life. I was determined beyond anything I had ever known, and that was truly my passion in life. Becoming a doctor was a goal too small for me I wanted to make an impact that was global and far reaching. The field of business was where I found my chances. In anticipation of entering the Richard Ivey School of Business, I made a promise years back upon my acceptance into the school. I believed it was God who gave me this chance and I would trust in Him to carry me through it. My faith would be in Him to act as He wills, and to put His will above all my hopes and dreams. Yet I was so convinced that the goals I had set for myself were for God that when things started to not turn out the way I wanted, I broke from Him. I felt betrayed upon seeing my broken dreams. For the first time in my life, I was facing true failure and mediocrity. I felt my worth declining, and I hated myself. It seems so funny that until this year, I had not realized that I had derived so much of my worth from the things I achieved rather than who I was in character.

The days that followed upon first realization led to steep slopes and moments of complete despair in my life. Its strange that when youre at your lowest, all else looks dim as well. I was depressed worthless, a failure, hopeless. These thoughts led to forfeit, and I gave up on many things. To pursue God was maddening, tiring, and discouraging in some ways. I engaged in acts of self-mutilation, indulged in things that I am ashamed to name, and became someone very hateful And maybe I hated God the most out of all. I felt loneliness. Deep loneliness in my thoughts. I contemplated options that I hope nobody comes across. And life continued to take a toll on my body and spirit. Yet in my deepest regrets, my most shameful place, despite the greatest hopelessness I have ever encountered, He called me to Him. He called me to Him. He told me its okay to call out to Him. To ask for reprieve. Told me its okay, that He will shield me. That in my weakest, He is strongest. Gave me purpose, gave me my identity. Newness. Convinced me that He is Good and Faithful even though Im not. Why do I believe? I sought answers that cant be found during our stay here on earth. But I did stumble upon surprising answers that God gave for me showed me the plans He has, the special things intended for me. Despite my filth, He drew near and let me ask questions and assault Him. I denied Him so many times. I scoffed and spat at the faith of others, and wondered aloud whether I had been brainwashed into my faith at one point. I became uncaring and menacing at one point, I was saved then even if I live the rest of my life sinning, Ill get a second chance He called me to Him, and softened my heart. I found curiosity, followed it, and learnt that faith is my own. To try and stuff the reasons for faith of others into my own heart will never work. The reasons I needed were different, and if God indeed made me

different and uniquely me, then the reasons that suffice for me as a uniquely made individual will in itself be unique as well. As this new outlook drove me to seek Him and keep searching, He was gracious and willing to change me. As my heart began to cry out to Him again, there came a special day when truly I believe, God was telling me in the most beautiful way, that He is a forgiving God. I had posted on facebook the previous night a verse: Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. A dialogue opened between friends, and I was amazed at the support system that I had the people around me and their love for Christ was inspiring. I thought that was it. Yet the next day, a classmate approached me. Known to be aggressive, outspoken, fiercely intelligent. I had never talked to him before and it caught me off guard. And he had something to ask about what I had wrote yesterday Are you Christian he asked. Im Christian I got to say. That was the first time I had gotten to say that aloud, with such sincerity, trembling, and wishing I were better to say that because I knew God was so much more than anything I could represent. But it felt revitalizing to confess it aloud. To testify. Later that night, I was on my way back to school for an event. The bus was 30 minutes late. A stranger was trying to make conversation with me, and it was a curious incident. He spoke of his present, and when I asked about his past he told me he had been in seminary. It came up again an opportunity to say Im Christian My mind was alert by then. This reminded me of something very familiar On my way back home, it was snowing. At a crosswalk, I saw an aged lady pushing a shopping cart full of groceries. The snow made it incredibly hard for her to push, and she was blocking traffic. I was steps away from home. I looked over, debated whether I should help, and something clicked inside my head. I asked myself Gloria, are you Christian? and another Do you love me? I pushed that damn cart across 2 long blocks to her home, through the snow.

3 times in less than 24 hours. How incredible. God works in our lives. But we need to be sensitive and listen to Him. It takes effort to see Him working, the opportunities he gives us. God is good and sincere. My God is so good and so sincere to me. In my suffering, He scoops me up. I keep trying to stab at his hands, and He doesnt let me go. He lays down his life for me, I see the wounds on his back, and I know dozens of those are because of me yet my need for answers and proof are endless. God is perfect peace and perfect hope. Of course Ill fall away again, and realize that I want more control. But at the end of this all Im His. Completely His. And the things I have been allowed to experience are not refutable. Theyre real and intimately mine. And the goodness of His love toward me makes my heart break in ways I cant explain. I have this profound hatred for myself because Ive found out just how dreadfully sinful and wicked I can be. The darker corners of my heart have been revealed to me, and I feel like the most worthless thing. But He calls me His own, replaces my filth with holiness, and sits with me as I cry. To this love, what can I say. How can I say no.