Table of Contents Queer Sex Skills for Intimacy Relearning Authentic Desire To Know My Desire Finding My Desire Worksheet

Masturbation Frustrating Orgasms Tips for Better Orgasms Sexy in the Mirror Erotic Training Doorways to Arousal Genitals, not Gender Sexual Abuse and Trauma Sex and Shadows Stretching Boundaries without Snapping Discerning Boundaries R.A.I.N. Boundary Circle Game Allowing Boundaries to Soften Boundary Backlash Resistance Vulnerability Receiving

Dear Reader,
In a world of heteronormative privilege, we work to decolonize sexuality and gender from the dominant culture. Often, our allies label themselves as "gay friendly" to bypass the stigma of homophobia. Most of us have dealt with internal issues of judgment and non-acceptance of our sexual desires, the objects of our lust, and the restrictive environments that limit our choices in regards to our identity and selfpresentation. Queer sexuality is so rarely affirmed in the world at large, and when it is, it often becomes tokenized. We seek to make visible those sexualities, orientations, identities, core erotic themes and gender expressions that have been marginalized. Let us normalize desire and bodies for all humans, without regard to what is culturally normative. We wish to make center right here, in our bodies and make home in our hearts. We reject such labels as "body dysmorphia" and "Gender Identity Disorder and Gender Dysphoria. So, who gets sexuality? We do. If we want it. If we desire it. If we claim it. If we reclaim it. The most awesome thing about queer sexuality is that we get to live according to our own hearts. Okay, we dont see images affirming our loves and passions. But sometimes that is a good thing! Kinda like after you see the movie, the book is less interesting, but if you just read the book, you get to make it come to life in your head. I believe with all of who I am that sex is a need. Pleasure can define us. Our ability to receive love, care, pleasure and support quantify our self-worth. I have dedicated my life to working with queers, trans people, fat people, survivors and anyone of marginalized sexual experience, so that they (we) may experience sexual liberation. There are many roads to freedom and the Divine. Sexuality is one of them. Queer sexuality is especially one of them. I offer this zine in service to all of us working to deconstruct paradigms that disinclude us, and those of use working to actively create awesomeness and fabulousness. Happy Erotic Explorations, and may you ever feel.

Big Queer Love, Pavini Moray www.emancipating-sexuality.com pavinimoray@gmail.com

Skills for Intimacy

Speak truth (gently and frankly.) Know my desire (and be able to ask for what I want, even if you cant give it to me.) Listen compassionately (without being dismissive, moving to fix it or offering advice.) Be responsible for my own emotional landscape (discerning what is mine, what is yours.) Hold an open heart (work at it, know when its closed, breathe into it daily so it stays connected and available to you.) Vulnerability (without expecting it to be reciprocated and without expectation that you will fix, save or rescue me.) Boundaries (having good ones and maintaining them, as well as honoring yours.) Energy (me noticing mine, and having some internal regulation and accountability about what I project.) Saying yes to your desire (more often than not.) Receptivity (being able to actually receive love, touch, care.) Gratitude (being thankful for all the joy, support, as well as work. Being grateful that you are such a good mirror for me.) Awareness of differing needs (my needs are different than yours, and both are valid.) Trust (you care deeply about me and my best interests. You will tend your boundaries. You will honor mine. Assuming good intent, even when I dont understand your actions.) Risk-taking (trust and vulnerability are required. I have to let you have the ability to hurt me, and trust that youll try not to. Allowing you to see my shadow.) Ability to let go of my story and of being right (and acknowledge that your story is true for you. This included forgiveness when you fuck up.) Ability to hold space for your feelings. (No greater gift I can give you.) Acknowledging when I fuck up. (Having empathy for the pain I inadvertently cause you.) Cooperative, not competitive engagement with each other. (I can depend on your care, support and well-wishes for my life.) Generosity (well wishing for your life, being able to back-burner my own stuff when yours is more pressing, being available to make your life more wonderful.)

Eroticism is the process through which sex becomes meaningful.

~ Jack Morin, author of The Erotic Mind

When I first left my marriage, and I was living on my own, I spent an entire Thanksgiving weekend painting my living room the color of sweet potatoes. I listened to Lauren Hill, danced, cried and made my space gorgeous. After the long weekend, when I was standing looking in the front window to my home, and all the lights were on, I had a curious sensation. I couldnt place it at first. And then it hit me: I was content! I had never had that experience before. I luxuriated for months in the satiation of all of my work of leaving, moving, and creating. It was a wonderful way to receive myself. One way you can assess how well you are able to receive is by asking someone to give you a massage. (Its in the name of research, tell them.) As you are being touched, notice how deeply you can allow the touch to soak in. Do you feel it just at the skin? Can you allow it to absorb further in? To your muscles? Bones? Heart? Can you actually feel the love pouring through someones hands and into your body?

So tell me What you Want? What you Really, Really Want?!

Relearning Authentic Desire.
Most of us have an incredibly complex relationship with Desire. We come into this world as hedonists; pleasureand comfort-seeking, pain- and discomfort-averse. Soon, however, our education in overriding and subjugating our desires begins. As toddlers, we get the lesson that just because we want that twenty-foot blue gorilla doesnt mean we get it. And if youve ever been around a two-year old as they are learning this hard lesson, they are pretty pissed off about it and really want you to know. I want what I want when I want it could be their mantra. A trip to the grocery store with the under-ten crowd is a solid reminder that children are completely aware of their desires and aversions. With further socialization, us human-types realize that the attention we receive when kicking and screaming maybe not the attention wed like to get. We learn to accept not getting what we want all the time. Were taught to ignore basic body desires like peeing or hungry, instead synchronizing our desires with the correct time for those on the elementary classroom clock. Mid-morning bathroom break for all kindergarteners: this is when you have to pee. 12:30 Lunch time for the fifth grade: be hungry now. Tick. Tick. Tick. This body training begins the process of moving us away from our authentic desire. Ironically (or not,) as we start to move away from our organic desire, the $255 billion ad industry begins to feed us a steady diet of easily fulfilled-through-three-low-paymentsof-$19.99 desire. Our desires are policed not only by what we are taught as socially sanctioned behavior, and adherence to a timetable and our parents control, but also by a mega-industry that exists for the sole purpose of making us hungry, of creating false desire within us. We are offered a devils deal: quick, constant and cheap fulfillment of desire in exchange for real, (and perhaps delayed) deeply satsifying satiation. Example #1: In order to fulfill our desire for human touch, we can trade the felicitous (yet inconstant and ephemeral) satiation of a parents hug for the ever-present satisfying touch of a teddy bear, featuring a recorded echo of our absent mothers heartbeat.

Example #2: We have an innate desire to explore the natural world. Hunger to witness the wonder of the starry night sky and full moon is fulfilled not with a camping trip outdoors, but with Uncle Miltons Stars in My Room. Companies like Baby Einstein and LeapFrog Learning capitalize on exposing children to natural patterns and rhythms that were once learned outside. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, average children view 40,000 ads each year. Thats a whole lotta being told what you want! Is it surprising that we find it so hard to access our authentic Desire, when weve been force-fed our own desire for years?? Relearning authentic desire is a process. My deep belief is that we do know what we really want and need, but must remember and relearn listening deeply for the truest voice of our Desire.

Receiving the Fruits of Love

Desire consists of three stages. First, getting clear on what you want. Next, communicating it. And last, being available to actually receive what you want, and recognizing it when it comes.
Often, this process breaks down for people in one of these stages. After a number of failed attempts, we subconsciously learn to push away our desire, as it has become the source of pain. To be truly intimate, we must reclaim our desire. We can practice each of the three stages. When we learn to consciously and actively receive, we begin to realize that our desire is not all encompassing. We begin to know that its okay to be hungry, because sometimes we are full. We begin to allow the yearning that brings us closer to Spirit, because sometimes we know the feeling of one-ness, of not-alone-ness. Receiving is an Intimacy Technology skill. Perhaps receiving seems like the most intuitive part of the process. Its my belief, that beneath our cool exterior, most of us feel a sense of profound inadequacy. And Im not the only one who thinks so. Tara Brach, Brene Brown, and many others link our chronic suffering with a deep-seated sense of being unworthy. In fact, the Dalai Lama has expressed astonishment at the degree of self-aversion and feelings of unworthiness reported by Western students. When I was first falling in love with my partner, I was deeply worried about what must be horribly wrong with my partner, since they were falling in love with me. How could I possibly actually receive love and care when I believed that the giver was deeply flawed? And that I was deeply flawed? If I am not worthy of love and care, I cant actually receive it. So yeah, somewhere along the way we swallowed a bunch of crap. Unpacking and rewriting the unworthiness story is crucial. And it can be a long road to recovery. Feeling worthy definitely takes practice and repetition over time. Once Ive been working on the worthiness thing for awhile, then I can turn my attention to receiving. Even if I can receive love and care, do I notice that I am receiving long enough to feel satiation? If all we ever feel is hungry, we lose the sweetness of dancing along the spectrum between full and empty. We numb to the subtlety and nuance of our experience when our ability to move between binaries is stuck.

Sharing my true emotional landscape allows me to receive empathy, and feel not alone.

To Know My Desire
Working definition of Desire: The foundational current of energy in the body from which all acts of will and creation initiate. So why bother? Why struggle to understand desire, to know its workings, to attempt to re-ignite it? Why fucking bother? Well, what would life be like without Desire? And Im not talking only about sexual desire. The sexuo-creative-lifeforce-Chi~pranahungeryearning is what Im naming. Its the flow of energy that moves through the body, inspires action and growth. Without the flow of desire moving through the body like a river current, the internal space stagnates, becomes rigid and cement-like, and movement and growth are both impaired. Who do you know who has tried for years to stifle and repress their Desire? And how did that work out for them? Not so great, yah? Most likely, they are bitter or brittle, inflexible and stony. And as much as they try to control it, the hunger leaks around the edges, yes? Desire repressed takes enormous energy to contain. The essence of desire depends upon its movement and flow, so we are a conduit, not a container. We can learn to hold desire as a river moving through its banks. Our bodies are the banks and edges. Desire is the flowing water that erodes and changes us. Indeed, set free desire has its way with us. Dammed it does no one any good. Let the waters run free again. Desire sources from our yearning to remember who we are and our purpose. The very moment we allow the flow of

Allowing my true self to be seen allows me a healthy perspective on myself: I am not the most fucked up person in the world.

desire to move through us unhindered is when our lives become the appropriate size for us. It is through our breath we come to know our Desire. We quiet inside, and start to notice the gentle tugs on our attention that come through our senses. I believe our Desire is subjugated and we are forcefed the Desires the capitalist world would have us have. Learning to reconnect with our own authentic desire that is less flashy than superbowl ads is challenging. Can you feel it? Can you feel the yearning you have inside towards healing, towards wholeness, towards union, towards cooperation? Towards the Divine as you know it? Sometimes the pull is so quiet, so subtle. So we practice. We practice paying attention to Desire. We practice noticing the places it is noticeable already in our lives. We deliberately cultivate our

relationship with Desire. Most importantly, we give ourselves permission to feel Desire. This is where Desire is fraught with challenge. What happens if our Desire is not met, cannot be met? What happens if we must sit with this intolerable yearning forever? What happens if we desire something that the person whose job it is to meet our desire (a.k.a. our partner) cant or wont? And also, what happens if we actually get what we say is our desire, and the hunger doesnt abate? What about that gap between my internal experience of desire, what I am able to communicate in words, and whatever shows up to meet that desire? How about the grief I feel when I get almost the right thing, but its never quite it? It doesnt stop the reoccurrence of desire? Oh, complicated indeed. Better, perhaps, to not give full permission to feel the desire, judging by all of the complexities that occur when I feel it. But then, were right back to that repression, and blocking the flow of my want, my craving, even though its still thereJust for a moment today, can you let yourself be pulled by the sweet tug of your Desire? Can you feed it one long, lovely breath? And what happens next?

Chasing Vulnerability: Why Bother?

Vulnerability feels like the perennial nightmare of getting up to teach the class, and realizing I have absolutely no idea what Im supposed to be teaching about. Or being in the play, on the stage, and realizing I forgot to ever study my lines. It feels like the moment right before everything starts to hurt like hell, and you know its coming when you fall down the stairs, right before you hit the ground. I wouldnt say that its a sexy feeling at all. And yet, the kind of intimacy I crave also requires me to be real, authentic and vulnerable in profound ways. I have been practicing. On one hand, I totally get intellectually that to have the kind of intimacy and closeness I want in my life requires me being open-hearted and available. I just wish it didnt mean I had to be vulnerable. The dictionary defines vulnerability as capable of being wounded or hurt. Well, that just sucks! Why would I want to do that? I am a hedonist, and live my life and make my choices with pleasure as a core and central tenet. I hate pain, hate hurting, hate discomfort. I love sweetness, ease, and comfort. Being vulnerable seems like the antithesis of all of that. While it may appear outwardly that Im good with the whole vulnerability thing, in actuality Im a creature of habit. I almost always order the same things at my favorite restaurants. I hate going into new situations where I dont know anybody. I do what I know as long as it works reasonably well, and have to remind myself to try new behaviors. I need profound, logical reasons to buy into opening myself up to hurt in service of some greater goal. How is it going to serve me? Heres a list in progress of the ways Im talking myself into ever-greater vulnerability. When Im open to new possibilities, I can make choices from a wide range of productive and interesting options.

ground through the bottom of your feet. Get in touch with your No. Feel it in your body, and then push it out as you envision your boundary surrounding you. Make sure its a bubble-shaped boundary: not just a wall, so that all parts of you are protected. Recently, I was given this potent quote by teacher Liu Ming: Resist as much as you possibly can! And only do that which you simply cannot resist.

Finding My Desire Worksheet

Step 1: Conduct a long, slow internal bodyscan in which you turn your gaze inward, and notice all the information your internal landscape offers, by moving your attention slowly over every part of your body. This can be done seated or laying down, and takes at least five minutes, preferably more.

When I practice deep listening within my body, I notice:

Step 2: Start to deepen the breath. Pull a deep breath in through the nose, and let it tumble out of the open mouth. Practice filling the belly, then lungs, then throat with air. Once this is mastered, try breathing all the way down to the genitals. Open a channel of air to the genitals. There is no pause between breaths. Laying down here is helpful in case of dizziness. Breathe in this way for 3-4 minutes. Allow the breath to return to normal, then practice another bodyscan.

What What What What

do I notice now within my body? areas feel more alive? body sensations do I feel? emotions do I feel?

Step 3: Head either outside, or somewhere with sensory stimulation like the spice rack or pantry. Once there, hang out for a bit, and wait. Wait until a pull begins to develop, and you are pulled to touch or smell or taste something. Wait patiently for it, and keep breathing. Once you notice it, just wait some more until the yeaerning becomes strongly felt. Then go ahead and move slowly towards experiencing it. Stay with whatever has pulled you and explore it fully. Repeat.

What was the thing that pulled me? Where did I feel the pull in my body? Describe it What happened when I waited? How did I feel? What happened once I moved towards the object of my desire? What did I notice?

Why Practice? Relearning Desire is a process. We came into this world being acutely aware of our desire, but have learned to subjugate it. Beginning to pay attention to where you are already experiencing the internal pull of Desire will help you notice the sensation. Desire is a muscle, and needs to be practiced. Starting small is low-risk. And while people may mind if you practice on them, flowers wont!

they were initially open to. As the interaction progressed, my client became increasing ambivalent and finally not interested in the person making the advances. They explained the energy of this person as grayish-white arms encircling them, from which there was very little room to escape. My clients internal experience was of becoming very small, trying to get away. The person making the advances either didnt read the reaction, or ignored it. Although not desirous of the situation, my client also didnt feel their boundaries had been violated, since they hadnt set any. We worked on replaying this situation. They practiced pushing out energetically with resistance, while I creepily attempted to invade their boundary. I couldnt. Resistance is powerful stuff! Pushing an energetic boundary outward with the force of your resistance creates a potent barrier to unwanted attention. I often visualize it as a stone wall all around my personal space. As you practice boundaries, my advice is to keep them farther out from the body, rather than closer in. Just beyond arms reach in all directions is a healthy boundary distance. Boundaries that are further from the body give you more time to react when something starts to come through, be it an unwanted hug or touch, or someones anger or other emotion you arent interested in having in your space. I asked my client to recall into the body the sensation of really wanting a particular person, and allowing the desire to be present in the body. Desire can be a clear indicator informing action, while ambivalence almost never is. Getting in touch with true desire allows us to know what we actually want to do, as opposed to doing something someone else wants of us. Since getting clear on desire can also be problematic, holding a strong boundary until clarity is present is important. If you have desire in your body, thats an embodied yes. Shit gets complicated when we feel both desire and

Resistance is Futile: Except when its not!

Using the Energy of Resistance to Relearn Boundaries
I was born resisting. And after a lifetime of resisting every effort to force me to do anything, including resisting my own self while trying to do things like pay bills, I had to admit that my resistance had won. No one was going to tell me what to do, ever. Yet somehow, this victory of my resistance wasnt wonderful. It was lonely. Pulled out of the womb with forceps so that the doctor could get to his New Years Eve party on time, I pulled my head back, tensed my neck, against the forcible removal of my tender self. Id been resisting ever since. It took a Sexological Bodywork to help me figure out why resistance has been so central in my life since I can remember. Once my body revealed its truth, it was another Sexological Bodyworker who gave me permission for my resistance to be ever-present. Then, radically, he encouraged me to resist more. Working with my neck has been a powerful way to reclaim the energy resistance uses. Heres what Ive learned about resistance, and how to use it for your own personal development. Resistance is a skill many of us have developed in order to stay alive. Its is a great mechanism if your boundaries have been violated and you no longer can access them: resistance keeps EVERYTHING out. Boundaries require discernment but resistance does not require the same process. Problem is, since often we developed it at a young age, it throws temper-tantrums, is often misdirected. Given the chance, it can careen the bus wildly out of control by refusing to follow traffic laws. However, if we change the channel, we can look at our resistance as a tool. If we can choose to use it at our discretion, the bus ride becomes a little more comfortable, and bills get paid on time, while what needs to be resisted (patriarchy, oppression, etc.) can still get the necessary attention. Without discernment, resistance can wreck havoc in our relationships and lives, as we resist love and intimacy. Take a moment to breathe, and feel into your own inner body. What part of your body screams NO! I WONT! (best two-year-old voice) the loudest? This is probably where your resistance lives. Putting resistance to use in relearning boundaries is an excellent use of its powerful energy. A client of mine who has been working on relearning boundaries recently described their experience of receiving sexual advances from someone

Moral of the story: use the whip of backlash to make whipped cream. Life is sweeter. Backlash is real. Its shame, weaponized. Know it and prepare thyself. And onward.

dsdsd

I look in the mirror, wink and say I Love You.

How do you show yourself love?

1. 2. 3.

projected them onto Morah. Even had Sonni been able to recognize backlash in action, the feelings would probably be the same. Stop and think for a moment about when you have experienced shame-induced backlash, and what that feels like in your body. Constriction? Skincrawling? These are common sensations of shame, and there are others. Backlash is going to happen as you liberate yourself from your skin/beliefs/constraints/repressions that no longer fit your expanding self. A good case of the unworthies is a form of backlash. Speaking in a condemning way to your self when you try something new and dont immediately succeed is backlash. Any self-punitive behavior is backlash. Im a big fan of front-loading situations. Meaning. Set things up in advance: like a special sneak-preview. Recognizing that backlash is part of any forward-moving process is key to being able to sit with its discomfort. Nowadays, when Im stretching a boundary or challenging my story of myself, I try to remember in advance that at some point backlash is gonna try and kick my ass. While it still happens, what Im not cool with anymore is allowing it to try and kick someone elses ass, as Sonni did in the story. Thats bullshit. Knowing that its likely gonna happen allows me to warn partners as well. While my tendency has been to jump in head first and to push hard at my boundaries, Im learning that a little attention up front goes a long way. Sure, Im into trying this big, scary new thing, but I need you to know its new for me, and sometimes I experience backlash. Sure we can go super deep emotionally really quick, but lets talk for a minute about a backlash plan before we get all weird. Heres how I want to end this story about these two people who are actually grown up and in conscious relationship. Morah recognizes quickly that Sonni is having big feelings and projecting them, and that its not really about Morah. Morah makes a guess that Sonni is experiencing some backlash. Instead of taking it personally, and getting reactive, Morah asks Sonni what they need to feel supported. Morah reassures Sonni how much care is present between them. Sonni begins to see the operating system at work, and is able to ask for what they need to feel calmer. After the dust settles a little, when they are both well-fed and grounded, they discuss the experience and what happened. They own their parts, and agree to try again, with some scaffolded support for Sonni before the experience. They both live to play and eat another day, together.

Masturbation = Self-Love
Many people have been shamed about masturbating, and have learned to masturbate quickly, without savoring the deep pleasure and self-understanding that can come through masturbation. The adage about really loving yourself before you can love someone else was thought up by a masturbator, guaranteed. Masturbation can be a direct route to showing ourselves love, compassion, pleasure and care. By masturbating, we become the explorers and scientists of our own bodies, finding the exact perfect way to touch ourselves and get off. Masturbation is great for our sexual health, pelvic floor muscles, stress relief, unblocking our energies, relaxation, release of healthpromoting hormones, and general well-being. And yet so many people have shame about this simple act of self-love. We have learned to clench our muscles to increase our excitement so that we can get done quickly. We are furtive, secretive and ashamed of our self-pleasuring practice. Almost none of us spend the time and attention on our own bodies which we would lavish on a lover. Sometimes we think that masturbation is only for the times in our lives when we dont have another sexual partner.

It is time to reclaim masturbation as an act of compassion for the self. A primary sexual relationship that is there for us our entire lives. A laboratory for researching pleasure and desire.
Heres the invitation: Commit to a daily masturbation practice for two weeks. Each day, spend at least 30 minutes alone with yourself. Enjoy yourself any way that feels wonderful. Orgasm is not the focus, but its wonderful if it occurs. Try new ways to touch yourself, not just focused on the genitals. How is is to stroke your feet? Your face? Do you like to pinch your inner thighs? Explore! At this end of each masturbation session, spend five minutes allowing all the love to settle over the body, and just notice how it is to be with yourself.

Choose 30 Days of SelfLove!!!!

Frustrating Orgasm Tincture

As a culture, orgasm has become the only permissible destination the sex train can stop at. I dont buy it. Superficially, it would seem that culturally we are hedonistic, desireful, and ever-seeking more and more pleasure. I dont agree. What seems truer, just beneath that skin layer of consumerism, is our absolute terror about staying with our pleasure. Weve learned to stay with our pain, our suffering. We sit with it in therapy, and feel the spiritual elevation of allowing our suffering to crack open our hearts. Theres something we deem morally good about feeling our pain. And I say that there is another road: one in which pleasure can also bring us into the presence of the Divine. I believe that often when we begin to feel extreme pleasure, we disallow it. Our story of ourselves at our core is often one of undeservingness, unworthiness. Who are we to receive such pleasure? To be open to such unrestricted arousal? Who are we to allow ourselves to feel liberation and exaltation through our senses? No, pleasure has to be gotten on the quick. Furtively, hurriedly, we clench down to encourage our elusive orgasm to happen. Without genital tension, we might take too long, and our partners might give up, leaving us frustrated. Or, we find that extreme pleasure in the body is too intense, and we cant bear it as it borders on overstimulation and even pain. Just get the pleasure over as soon as possible, get the orgasm out of the way, and be done with the whole corporeal mess. Change the sheets even. Viewed through this lens, frustration about not being able to come, and coming prematurely before you want to stem from the same source: geter done. They are both not the true thing. People become dependent on a certain level of stimulation that vibrators like the Hitachi Magic Wand offer. That stim level is inhuman, and hard to recreate for a sustained period of time. Reaching for the vibrator when the frustration starts to creep in is perhaps a quick fix, but ultimately perpetuates the same disallowal-of-pleasure cycle. Practice noticing what happens when you are about to come. Do you tense? If so, experiment with what it is to come without muscle constriction.

Boundary Backlash! A Deadly Killer!

Heres a made-up tale of boundary woe to explicate Backlash that comes from comparable experience. For our purposes, well conflate desire and backlash cuz thats a real place people get tripped up all the time. Two made-up characters: Sonni and Morah. They think each are are reeel cute, and start dating. Things are going well. And then, (cue the music)Nightmare on Whipped Cream Street happens. Sonni has expressed an interest in some sexual exploration including playing with food. This is a big edge for Sonni, because Sonni grew up in a poor family where there was often not enough food to satiate everyones hunger. Food was NOT to be played with. Morah is excited to gently lick whip cream off of Sonnis various parts. The two have a sweet (heh) night that is super hot for them both. Since Sonni suggested the game, and seemed to really enjoy the play, Morah is completely surprised the next morning when Sonni accuses Morah of going way too far and violating boundaries. Sonni reminds Morah about Sonnis family history, and expresses anger that Morah didnt check in with them more during the play. Indeed, Sonni goes so far as to throw and accusation of perpetrator energy at Morah. Morah is thrown off balance by these accusations. Whats going on here? The Monster of Backlash has stricken whilst they slept. Sonni pushed at their own boundary, and attempted to create more space for themselves in regards to their family history with food. In the moment, when desire and arousal were present, everything seemed fine. However, in the morning after, shame snuck in and chastised our poor boundary-stretching Sonni, making them question their own motivations, as well as those of their lover, Morah. As you know, shame has the best invisibility cloak EVAH, and can get into even well defended psyches. Shame keeps us small. Shame keeps our boundaries tight around us. Shame operates a weapon called backlash (ouch) that stings like a mothafucka.Reminder: we are stretching old boundaries that are now too small for our radiant selves, in order to make more space. In the past, those kept us safe and were useful. Now, they just constrain. And even while we have cognition about this process, backlash happens to the best of us. What to do? Well, Sonni was unable to see clearly that what they were experiencing was backlash. Sonni externalized the uncomfortable feelings, and

throwing them away. What Im suggesting is continually discerning which boundaries we hold strongly, and which ones we choose to soften to give ourselves more space. Obviously, boundaries exist primarily to keep us safe. We have so many choices we never even see. The one Im talking about today is really responding versus reacting. Its an important choice when considering boundaries and boundary violations. Heres the thing; I dont want to be a triggered mess all the time, because people keep violating my boundaries and I wish theyd just leave me the hell alone. I want to be free to choose how I engage with people who make choices I do not make. I want to be free in how I respond. This practice of allowing and just watching how story comes up is a good one. Stories are strong and seductive. Anytime theres an element of us being right we can know we are caught in story. I offer that stretching boundaries is a way to expand our freedom. Cuz I dont know about you, but I sure do want to be free. 4. 5. 6. 3. 2. 1.

Tips for Better Orgasms

Take a long, hot shower or bath before masturbation or sex. The heat soothes and relaxes muscles, allowing you to be more relaxed in your pleasure. Most of us learned to tense our muscles to create sexual excitement, perhaps from fear of being caught. Tense muscles, however, can restrict pleasure and movement. Stretch the hips, pelvic floor, and PC muscles. Slow hip circles, yoga-style Cat/Cow postures, Bridge position, low deep squats. Anything that awakens the muscles and brings oxygenated blood to the genital area will increase sensation. Deepen the breath, and use a charging breath to bring energy to the sex center. Charging breath is a deep inhale that fills the abdomen, chest and throat areas, followed by a long, easy release of breath. Try 10-15 of these to get the sexual energy flowing. Instead of reaching right away for the vibrator, use fingers to tease the creases of the legs, inner thighs, and genital area. Squeeze the PC muscles (kegels) 10-20 repetitions. Slow down the process. Touch all areas of the body. Bring energy and attention to the hands and feet, throat, calves, belly, ears. Spend time exploring the entire body instead of going right for the jewels. Good orgasms take time. 7. 8. Put on some sexy music, and build erotic energy by dancing, while maintaining connection with your breath and sex. Build and Build and Build the tension. Touch a little bit. Breathe a little bit. Read some erotica, look at some porn, touch some more. Get a drink of water, look out the window, and continue. Build and when it starts feeling really good, stop and spread the feelings around the body with your hands. Bring sexy energy towards the heart.

9.

When orgasm starts to feel close, again squeezing and releasing the PC muscles, and timing it with the breath continues to build the erotic charge in the genitals. Bring it closer, stop, tease again, stop. See how close you can get. Hold your breath as you tease yourself, and feel the energy really build. Stay on the edge as long as you can.

10.

Relax all of the muscles as you bring yourself over the

be just thirty more seconds, at which point he got all agro, his face changed to red and he started yelling at me to move my car immediately or else. There was a moment when I felt myself begin to react, and then I realized that he was offering me the choice between two roles: compliant, or non-compliant, and that I didnt want either of them. He was in his role of protector, and I was in violation. Having my boundaries violated by being yelled at has typically resulted in me feeling triggered and angry, possibly hostile. In this situation, I merely softened the boundary, and realized that I didnt want either of the roles he was offering. I just allowed the thing to happen, and didnt take it personally. Didnt get attached to the role, the story or the outcome. As he was yelling, my partner came out, got in the car and I sincerely wished the security person a good day and drove away. By allowing what was already happening to just happen, and recognizing that he was playing his cop role, I was able to drive away without feeling contracting sensations in my body. I bet you already know how to allow something to happen. Ever had a two-year-old grab your keys or (insert your own object youd rather not have a two-year-old touch here.) You get it, right? You dont rip the thing out of the kids hand, or scream. Touch is a place that boundary violations happen all the time. When your doctor pats you on the shoulder without asking, or a relative hugs you without consent, you probably just allow it. Now, often, just allowing something to happen creates a feeling of powerlessness in us. The second part of the allow practice is to acknowledge your feelings, and say to yourself that that person is behaving in a way that you do not choose to behave. The second part is really important, because its where the choice to respond and not react comes in. Heres another way to look at it. If, as I so deeply believe, life is a Choose your Own Adventure Book the choices might look like this: Turn to page 81 if you take great offense at Uncle Als sexist joke, and storm out of the kitchen. Turn to page 93 if you notice your feelings at the joke, and make a choice about how to respond to the situation. Smaller boundary violations are perfect places to choose to practice boundary yoga. Start small, build the muscle. I want to be clear that there are degrees of boundary violation, and the Allow practice is not always the most helpful response. We have all worked hard to establish our boundaries in the first place, and I am in no way suggesting

edge. Instead of pushing out or pulling in, see if you can just let orgasm happen. And when it does, allow yourself to stay in that glowing, golden space for at least TEN minutes afterwards. Let all the juicy health benefits of that oxytocin release penetrate the

1.

bloodstream and make you HAPPY!

towards expansiveness or contraction? And obviously, I am advocating for expansiveness. I dont know about you, but I dont want to be one of those older, bitter people who are so closed down from their fear, limiting beliefs, and angershameblame that life had become stifled, miserable and intolerable. Conversely, I desire to be super old, juicy, twinkly and sparkling because Ive continually worked at expanding my heart and mind. Taken on a meta-long term level, thats the difference between making the choice to expand or contract in each moment. Not to say that both arent necessary; we dream so we can wake, right? (Lesson learned from The Matrix!) Going back to Allow now. What is it to simply notice when someone behaves in a way you wouldnt choose to? Paying attention to our internal landscape and how it expands and contracts is the skill necessary here. There are subtle internal sensations that indicate if we are opening up or closing down. Beginning to notice these sensations of contraction and expansion will serve our boundary stretching process. There is no judgment about the sensations. Think for a moment of an unpleasant situation, and notice what happens inside. Release that, take a breath, and now try for pleasant. What do you feel? Where? While it may be super-evolved and compassionate for you to not judge others about their behavior, an even more pressing reason is your own body experience. For example, how is it inside your body when you label that person boundary violator? How do you feel when you then take the role youre offering yourself of victim? What happens internally if you choose to forego the pleasurable righteousness? Are there pleasant sensations if you call the driver of the car who just moved quickly into your lane in front of you without using their turn signal asshole? How does it feel inside if when that person does that thing that they always do that pisses you off every time, how is it if you just say Hmm, there he is, doing that thing he does? When I started reading situations by roles instead of taking them personally, things shifted inside. My boundaries, which often respond to violation by becoming more forceful and rigid, softened. I found space and freedom inside my body. Let me give you an example. I was parked outside the hospital, waiting for my partner to emerge from work. I was parked in a no-parking lane. I didnt want to park in the lot, because my partner was on the way out. Hospital security approached me, and told me to move. I calmly explained that I would

Sexy in the Mirror

Masturbating in the mirror is a powerful modality that takes a brave and courageous heart, but offers the potential for deep healing. Ive done this meditation a number of times, and each time am surprised by that moment when my own beauty takes my breath away It is interesting I always find it hot to watch myself touch myself. I even have a mirror at the end of my bed so I can do it. But I rarely choose to use it! When I sit up in my bed, and I use the mirror to

heighten my own engagement with my touch, really focusing on following the movement of my hands as I bring lovers touch to my body. I enjoy watching my face (and sometimes feel slightly self-conscious.) I notice that as arousal grows, I want to close my eyes and sink into the experience, and staying present to my visual experience can be a challenge. Since orgasm is an internal experience for the most part in the body I have, the mirror allows me to explore visual cues as well as physical ones to track the onset of climax. My face started to shift, my shoulders and belly would tense, and then I would deliberately relax them. I play with kegels, and watch how doing them in an aroused stated ripples through my entire body. When I come, I keep my eyes open as much as possible, and watch my face as my head tilt back, and my mouth open. I am sometimes surprised by how quick the orgasms are when I am not watching they seem much longer. One of my favorite parts is watching my body settle from the onset of orgasm, and I move and undulate with the waves of it. It feels vulnerable to watch myself in this way, and to allow myself to see my own pleasure. But I like it, too. I like the permission I see in my eyes. I like the person celebrating pleasure that I see in the mirror.

Erotic Training
My teacher, Joseph Kramer, says that we must train to maintain high states of erotic energy in the same way we would train for a marathon, or any sport. I believe that maintaining high erotic energy In the body actually changes the body, and what it is capable of. It changes how much pleasure we can receive. And ultimately, receiving pleasure challenges our story of unworthiness and forces us to reclaim our agency as worthy, sensual and powerful beings. Here are some suggestions on Erotic Training: 1. 2. Hide the Hitachi vibrator away, for at least two weeks, somewhere far from the bedroom. If you have a partner, block out a chunk of time, say two hours. For that two hours, take turns in 15 minute blocks pleasuring each other. Orgasm is not the goal. If someone gets close to orgasm, turn the stimulation down a notch and continue. 3. If someone gets over stimulated, try this reset technique. Stop all stimulation, and remove the hands from the genitals for about 15-30 seconds. Slowly reengage, with a gentle touch. The neurons should have had time to reset. 4. If you find yourself feeling really turned on, and the story kicks in and says something like I cant take this or Im never gonna come or I just want to use the vibrator and get this over with try acting like a sex coach to yourself. Try saying See if you can stay with the pleasure just a little longer or What happens if you just keep with it? 5. Touch your genitals each and every day, or have a partner spend time touching them, with no goal except exploration. Let curiosity guide the touch. Orgasmic Meditation from One Taste suggests stroking the upper left quadrant of the clitoris for 15 minutes daily, with no goal other than pleasure. I assume this could be translated to the glans of a penis.

Can I Just Let it Happen? Allowing Boundaries to Soften

Imagine twenty naked bodies, laying on a huge tarp, covered in warm coconut oil. Imagine a slow soundtrack, and instructions to listen with the body, close the eyes, soften the hands. Imagine slow, sensual but not sexual movement and touch, for about an hour. Bodies sliding over bodies, slick, greasy, warm. Not knowing who it is sliding over you, who it is touching you, what body parts are touching yours. Listening deeply with your skin, muscles, and bone. Seeking the pleasurable, the joyful, averting from the unpleasant. Feeling without self-consciousness, without shame, and without social obligation. Finding places of excitement, moments of rest. These are some of the experiences you could have if you participate in any of the Oil Action experiments that performance artist Keith Hennessey offers. Designed as crucibles for examining and catalyzing human evolution, the oil actions have changed my life for the better, forever. Ive participated in three in the past year and a half, and each time learned profound things about me and my boundaries. At the last one, Keith offered this piece of advice. At some point,

someone will do something that you dont like. You may be tempted to go into a story of how they violated your boundary, broke the rules, and so on. What would happen if you didnt do that, just this once? What would happen if you simply allowed the thing, and watched your own reaction? If you didnt become your story, but merely noticed Oh, that person just did something I wouldnt do. And leave it at that, and see what happens.
We all get opportunities to practice Keiths challenge every day. The key word is Allow. Remember, the premise is that boundary stretching is kinda like yoga. One might practice yoga postures to increase flexibility, blood flow, muscle range and tone. Id say that the benefit of yoga is increased embodiment, and more space to actually live in your body for your life. Similarly, boundary stretching can offer a greater sense of spaciousness in our interpersonal relating. In both yoga and boundary yoga, the choice is thus: are you moving

Doorways to Arousal: Erotica

with your own desire. Or they can respond with Yes if that is their true desire. Remember that at this point we have still not engaged with the willing aspect of desire. And we are still not going to actually

is Hotica.
As a sexologist, I believe there are various ways to enter into our sexy space. And just like different strokes for different folks (did a masturbator come up with that saying?) different people enter into erotic energy different ways. With purportedly, 30% of all internet traffic to porn sites, obviously visual stimulation is a well-traveled inroad for many wankers. Fantasy will do the trick, and of course good old fashioned friction also get us there. And then there is erotica. Im a big fan of erotica. Starting with reading Penthouse Forum as a young person, I learned early to masturbate while reading. I would say that a majority of my teenage masturbation involved the use of printed material. My session today led me down this road of sweet stimulation. I like erotica because I can fast forward and freeze frame mentally, at will. Its not so much the images that are created, but rather the phrasing. Words like throb and sopping and turgid and slit are not often used outside the realm of erotica. I find them incredibly turny-ony. The kind of orgasm I have when using erotica is very different from an orgasm when my focus is on my body. There is a very particular heat that is generated by reading steamy stories. Im super picky: it has to be well written, and detailed enough to dampen my panties. It cant be stupid, or have too many characters with hard-to-believe names like Sally and Fred. Enough plot to be believable, not too much that Im having to read about feelings other than arousal, turn on, shame, or prohibition. My biggest turnons involve situations where there is a conflict of interest: desire + shame, or pleasure + power imbalance, or headfuck situations that involve someone being turned on even though they are being manipulated. Part of what erotica does for me is give me a space for permission to be turned on by things that I would never really do. Taboo is hot in erotica, in my opinion. Ive noticed that erotica is often given the shaft so to speak, and dismissed as softer porn, for girls and sissies. I beg to differ. Raunchy, saucy and dirty are all qualities I seek out when looking for a thigh-squeezing missive. What I do consider important is not to get stuck in only one pathway to arousal. I regularly mix it up, just to keep it all working. While I dont consider porn a problem per se, what I do have concern about is people only being able to access their erotic energy through one pathway. Why limit yourself?

perform the desires. (Allow time for this interaction to occur, and then after a breath have participants change roles.) After thanking your partner, inner circle please move one person to your left. Acknowledge the hard work you are both doing by looking into your partners eyes. Delve into your own desire, and I invite you to take a slight risk this time. Name a desire that you dont know how they will respond to. Partners, at this point include the willing to do it option. After the desire is named, please respond with words. You can say Yes! or Im willing or How about X instead? or No, thanks. (Allow the interaction to happen, then after a breath have participants switch roles, then acknowledge their partners. ) After doing this kind of circle its important to have some processing time in which participants are encouraged to discuss their experience. Participants can come to one big circle. Ask some questions like: how did it feel to say no? How did it feel to level? Were you able to connect with your True Desire? What was challenging? What was surprising? What do you take away with you? Also be aware that some participants may have feelings come up that they might need to share with just you, and not the entire group. Issuing an invitation with your availability is a generous thing to do here. Really teasing out the idea that my Desire belongs to me and is not dependent upon your response is crucial. I get to have my desire regardless of whether or not it appeals to you. Whether or not youre willing to fulfill it. Also pulling out the thread of the sweetness of when two desires meet.

having a glass of wine and a good conversation, telling them have you hate cooked spinach, anything. In a minute, you will have an opportunity to speak this desire, and have it witnessed. This person will not respond in the negative or affirmative, but will sit with noticing their own reaction to hearing your desire. When youre ready, open your eyes, and people on the outside, please speak your desires. People on the inside, please remain connected but give no response. (Allow time for this to happen.) Take a breath. Now switch, with the inner people naming their desire. Find a way to thank your partner, and now outer circle, please rotate one person to the left. Look at this new person. Acknowledge them for the work they are doing right now. Close your eyes. With this partner, we are going to practice saying and hearing no. Allow yourself to descend again into a desire you may have with this person. Do not limit your desire even though you know it will not be realized with this person at this time. When youre ready, open your eyes and outer circle, please speak your desire. Inner circle, please respond with No. or No, Thank you. No explanations, please. (Allow time.) Take a breath. Check in with yourself about how it felt to hear/say no. And now switch, with the inner circle speaking their desire. (Allow time) Again, check in with yourself about how that felt. Find a way to acknowledge this partner for the learning theyve helped you with, and inner circle, please move one person to the left. With this new partner, we will practice a skill called leveling. We will check in with ourselves with eyes closed, finding our desire. When the desire is spoken, your partner will not say no, but will offer a variation instead. The point of this is so that even if the spoken desire is not a true desire for your partner and they are not willing to do that thing, they want to maintain the connection. It looks like this (demo with volunteer.) Chris, Id really like to kiss you. Paul, how about if we hold hands instead? Leveling can also be done with physical advances, and this should be demonstrated as well. Paul starts to grab Chris face and moves in for the kiss, Chris reaches up and takes Pauls hand while simultaneously moving their face away. Have pairs practice leveling skills, before thanking partner and outer circle moving one person to the left. Look into the eyes of this new partner. Let your eyes travel down their body. Close your own eyes and find your desire. When we take turns speaking our new desire, your partner now has a choice. They can respond with No. They can level and suggest another activity, which you then need to reconcile

Theyre Genitals, Not Gender! Boundary Circle Game

A group size of ten+ is preferable. Have participants stand in two concentric circles, facing each other. Each participant is paired with one other. Participants look at each other, and the Facilitator begins to ask a series of questions. Heres a script: In this circle, we are going to practice recognizing our own True Desires. We will practice naming them without consequence. We will experience hearing anothers desire. We will practice discerning between our True Desire, Willingness, Absence of Desire or Aversion. We will practice speaking our desire without creating an obligation for the other to comply or deny. We will learn that our desires are valid, regardless of anothers choices. We will practice saying yes, saying no, and a skill called leveling where a third choice is created in the moment. Look at this person in front of you. Recognize that they have had a history that brings them to this moment. Realize that they have probably had successes and failures working with their own desire. Realize that many humans have learned to repress their desire. Realize that we all benefit as a species from learning to express our desires in respectful, loving ways. Realize that all desires, even those that are pathologized, begin with a yearning for connection. Realize that there are more useful and less useful desires, not good or bad desires. Recognize that many of us have endured shame for our desire, and it can be scary to look at our desires. Wonder if perhaps speaking our desire is actually more difficult and frightening that not speaking it. Question what might happen if we spoke a desire and then we actually received it? Look at this person in front of you and now close your eyes. Is there something you could imagine doing with this person? What, if anything, would you like? At this point, you wont name your desire, so be as bold as you can. Now open your eyes, and acknowledge your partner and the opportunity for checking in with Desire they have given you. Inside circle, rotate one person left. Look at this new person before you. Close your eyes. Is there something you could imagine wanting to do to/with this person? Or have them do to you? It could be looking them in the eye, touching their hand, fucking them silly, or I hope its true for you that you have had at least one or two splendid, marvelous lovers from whom youve learned much of the good stuff you know about sex. Could be they taught you about anatomy (yours and theirs) pleasure (yours and theirs) or predilections. Or a plethora of other superb sexual things you now know because of this person. Think for a minute about who that person is for you, and what juicy, resplendent tricks you know because of them. When I think back over my life, there are three lovers who stand out. In memory, they are surrounded by a golden aura of bliss, but in actuality something about their body, energy and feel happened to correspond to what I respond to most. This morning, I was lying in bed with #3, and I was thinking about all of the things Ive learned from him. (This isnt gonna be an overshare, I promise, so stick with me.) The thing that Ive learned most from him is that my genitals dont equal my gender. Ok, I live in San Francisco so DUH but hold on. WARNING: WORD GEEKERY NEXT TWO PARAGRAPHS If you are unfamiliar with etymology, words transition and evolve through languages. Often beginning with Greek, moving to a Latin root, then passing through Old French or Old or Middle English to arrive at a current spelling and meaning. The word genitals and the word gender originate from the same Latin root: genus, which can mean descent, family, type, race, stock, kin. Both genital and gender began in the Greek with the flavor of generate, create, and family lineage. Both moved through the Latin, and branched around the 12th century with the French picking up Gender c.1300, kind, sort, class, and the word genital emerging from the Latin. Beginning 15th century, gender was used in English in the male/female sense, and mid-15th century genital was used as a noun meaning sex organ. Fast forward five hundred years to the early 20th century, when the word sex took on erotic qualities. G ender came to be the common word used for sex of a human being, often in feminist writing with reference to social attributes as much as biological qualities. indulging my research-word Thanks for

geek-historical context seeking self. NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING Using the word genitals to describe the sex organs between my legs delights me. Without the qualifiers of female or male genitalia, all Ive got is genitals! Its what my lover has, and its what youve got. Genitals. If we strip gender away from genitals, suddenly there are many more possibilities to interpret each others and our own sexual organs. Suddenly, my gender (outward presentation, how I interface with the world) can influence the ways I engage with my genitals. In the case of my lover, he genders (verb) in the world as male. I can use the way he genders as I interpret and engage with his genitals. (Instead of the reverse, where I look to see whats between his legs, make a judgment and then apply a gender to him which may be inaccurate.) Gender is often more mutable than physical body parts which can require hormones or surgery to change. People who identify as genderqueer, play with gender and feel a spaciousness when it comes to defining their internal experience of gender. with a degree of fluidity about our identity. Imagine when you were a child, you were told you could only choose one favorite color, blue or red. And you decided that you just wouldnt decide! Instead you moved between loving blue and all its shades, loving red and its hues and all the variations in between. And if someone looked at you and said That child is a blue-lover you could agree. And if someone looked at you and said You must love red best you could agree. And inside, all the while, you dance and move and play with those colors, and all the other colors as well. Thats kinda like being genderqueer. Playing with gender can give one many options when it comes to happy genital time, aka sex. Sometimes I fuck, sometimes I get fucked. Sometimes Im a damsel in distress being ravished by a handsome stranger, and sometimes Im the handsome stranger doing the ravishing. Its not my genitals that wear a pompadour, sport the rock-a-billy, don the thick gold chain and cruise the strip in my cherry ride. Thats my gender. But Ill tell you what: my package sure does love to come along for the ride! My.genitals.do.not.construct.my. gender. Get it? Instead of having to choose just one gender, we move along a gender spectrum

RAIN A technology I recently learned from the Buddhists is a helpful process when discerning what to do with boundaries. Its the acronym RAIN. I hear from a reliable source that Tara Brach was the instigator of this work. R is for RECOGNIZE Recognize what and where the boundary is. A is for ACCEPT Accept that you have this boundary for a perfectly good reason, and that it is there to serve you in some way. I is for INVESTIGATE Investigate this boundary. What are its edges? How does it serve you? How does it not serve you? How do you feel about it? An important component of the investigation is looking at Story. What story is this boundary upholding? Does it keep you trapped in a victim story? N is for NON-IDENTIFICATION Non-Identification means that you are not your boundary. Its I dont eat meat vs. I am a vegetarian. Non-Identification gives you some wiggle room, to discern how you are going to engage with that boundary. Now you try it. Pick a boundary, any boundary. Use the RAIN process. Notice what comes up in the body for you as you look at a boundary, as well as noting what your thoughts are.

Im grateful to my sweetie for all that hes taught me about genitals and gender and many other pleasurable and satisfying things, which I may share with you at a later point. Im grateful for my own explorations with gender, and all of the fun Im having along the way. Now that weve got your pink bits sorted out from your gender, go ahead and write that fantabulous lover of yours an email and let them know youre grateful for their teaching.

us a space to choose where and when. By the time were thinking about our boundaries, we are already walking the knife. Having choice over where and when we stretch our boundaries is a third road that I personally savor. Can we have compassionate transformation when stretching our boundaries? Sure, why not?

Right Here you can make a list of all the boundaries you have, that you can imagine stretching someday.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

The cutting edge of discernment

consequences or remain rigidly uptight) we can feel caught by two not-sogreat choices. Heres where the third road comes in. Try this tool for discernment I learned from Thorn Coyle. Think about a choice, big or small but with a little bit of charge, that you will make in the soonish future. Spend the tax-return on bills, or buy that new pair of Fluevogs? Go to massage school or finish your MBA? Have a kid or get a dog? Whatever. Now, visualize a razor sharp knife. On one side place one choice, and on the other side the other. Visualize that you are walking that razor edge, between the two choices. Hows that feel? Now, imagine if you turned that knife on its side, and now you are walking on the flat of the blade. On one side, you see Choice A, and on the other Choice B. But the flat part of the blade is also a choice. Its the third road. The middle way. Its the in-between ground, a liminal space of freedom and creativity. Keeping that space in mind, lets think about a couple of binaries. Dominant culture versus conscious culture. In terms of personal growth work, dominant culture often sends us the message Its fine, keep shopping. Dont look at your shadow self, dont go down into the depths of the soul and muck around. Dont bring up the elephant in the room. Play nice, be sweet, follow the rules. Dont challenge, dont think, dont question. Conscious culture, on the other hand, tells us kinda the opposite. It goes like this: if you want to be a conscious human being, then deal with your shit. Clean it up. Be accountable for your actions, words, and thoughts. Have a personal spiritual practice. Accept the grace of the cosmic ass-kicking, be grateful, and ask for more. Binary thinking about boundaries translates like this: Compassion versus Transformation. Compassion looks like: be gentle and compassionate with yourself and your heart. Take the tenderest approach you can. Slow and easy, little by little, if not this lifetime then next. Even if you just stretch a tiny millimeter of a micrometer, what amazing work you are doing. Bravo for your bravery and courage in showing up to think about considering the possibility of the potential that you might someday ponder thinking about stretching your boundary. Versus Transformation. Be committed to self-improvement and moving ever beyond your edges. Have gumption and umph. Evolve Evolve Evolve. Come on, already, would you freakin evolve? The truly interesting question to me is what is beyond these binaries? What is that third road the flat of the blade offers to us? In my opinion, it offers

Surviving and Thriving Sexual Abuse and Trauma

In honor of National Coming Out day, I came out on my blog as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA). In response, I received a lot of love and support. Breaking silence is an interesting thing. Many people read that blog post, and statistics show that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will endure sexual abuse before the age of 18. I want to be able to have conversations without shame or stigma, and bring something silenced into the clean, sweet sunlight. I want survivors to be able to pursue the healing they need, without dehabilitating shame that impacts their relationships, self-esteem and sexuality The statistics being what they are, and the number of readers being what it is, I feel certain that there were many survivors who read my blog. I write this for them, the brave warriors who are walking into the labyrinth to reclaim what is theirs, and dealing with all the fear, terror, humiliation, shame, embarrassment, and other emotions that come once this work is begun. Its true, you could choose to live your entire life without naming this for yourself, without facing the demons that haunt you. Many people have sensory/body memories of abuse. If the abuse happened when they were very young, they may not have words around the body sensations. Many survivors experience functional amnesia, especially if abuse occurred before age 5. Physiological responses to particular triggers are common, and inexplicable when a survivor has no conscious memories. The season, time of day, quality of light, certain sounds or smells and a plethora of other sensory stimuli can trigger body reactions that seem totally disconnected to the actual environment or situation. Trauma often manifests in the body as extreme cold, numbness, lack of sensation or sensory amnesia, such as not really being aware of certain body parts, even though cognitively someone knows they have that part. People often are so accustomed to lack of sensation, that they are unaware of it. Think about it, if you were color blind, and no one ever caught it, would you know you were? Its like that. If I have an area of my body (pelvis and hips are super common) that is not feeling a full range of sensation, how would I know

Walking the Knifes Edge:

Relationally, CSA can have a huge impact. Many survivors find connecting sex and intimacy problematic. They can have both, just not together. Disassociation during sex is common. This means that the person checks out it can mean their awareness leaves their body, or it can pull really tightly inside. Either way they are not present and engaged with their partner. Partners tend to get pretty testy about this stuff after awhile. And boundaries, become really murky; physical, emotional and energetic when one or both or all partners are disassociated. My intention is to give permission to survivors to begin to acknowledge their experiences, without taking on a whole shitload of blame, shame and self-recrimination. The good news is that there is a way back from the trauma. Healing is totally possible. Hell, if Im doing it, I bet you can too. Bottom line is Im not willing to give it that much power anymore. Im driving now, thank you very much. Not it.

Discernment and Boundaries

Sasha is about to masturbate for the first time in eighteen years. Shes been working for weeks on a block she has around masturbation. Caught masturbating as a child and punished harshly, she has been unwilling to touch herself sexually her entire adult life. She wants to move through this block, and learn to become her own lover. Whenever she begins a process of self-love, she experiences emotions of fear and guilt. Her boundary about not touching herself is not something that serves her, and she is ready to stretch it. Paul has repeatedly been told by his partner of eight years that he desires more emotional intimacy. Paul has been addressing his patterns of withdrawal, and he has begun to open up and share his emotions more freely with his partner. The more Paul shares, the more his partner pushes for deeper intimacy. Paul feels intimidated by his partners requests, frustrated by the lack of acknowledgment for the process he has made, and hopeful to continue at this deepened level of intimacy in his relationship. He wishes his partner would stop pushing at his edges so insistently. He is in a process of determining if he wants to honor his partners desire and stretch his emotional boundary even further, or ask his partner to back off a bit. Sasha and Paul are both in a process around discernment of boundaries. As an experienced teacher, one of the ineffable questions of the profession is the discernment between pushing and accepting. When does a student need to have firm encouragement to engage deeper with their learning? When does that student need love and acceptance for just where they are? When do we push a lover because they have the potential for so much more, and when do we acknowledge them for who they are in this moment? When do we stretch our boundaries, and when do we leave them alone? Discernment is often a process that focuses a choice between two or more options. Once weve identified where our physical, energetic and emotional boundaries are, we can begin to consider which ones we may want to stretch. Remember, the title of this series is stretching boundaries, so obviously my bias lies there, but the other part of the title is without snapping. We are often presented with two choices that are false binaries. When only two options immediately appear (stretch boundaries and face the

But the kicker is that, as I wrote above, we rarely ACTUALLY feel safe. We constrict our behaviors and lives to create that sensation, but rarely achieve it for very long. The world is an inherently dangerous place. And. Yet. We tend to survive. What if we were to stay at the edge of the boundary just a little longer? When we feel pushed, when someone feels pushed by us, what if we could just linger in the discomfort, without moving to fix it? And gently, sweetly, we succeeded in outlasting our perceived boundary? There is even a way we can approach the edge of our boundary, with intent, find it, hang out a minute, retreat to a safer distance, and wait. Eventually, the edge of our boundary recedes further in the distance, and we are able to stay with the eye gazing, the touch, the perceived threat just a little longer. This actually gives us more space in our lives, to inhabit in ways that are expansive and by our choice. By deliberately framing boundaries as the limits of my freedom, I am continually questioning my own use of boundaries. I do not believe that my boundaries will keep me safe. I believe it is my ability to come back to center, no matter what, that keeps me safe. Resilience, simply put. Try this. Think about a hard-won boundary that you hold. Perhaps it is people need to ask your consent before X-Y-Zing you. Perhaps it is that you wont speak to someone who refuses to use your correct name or gender pronoun. Perhaps its that you wont work on Saturday, no matter how hard your boss pushes. Maybe you are never going to watch porn with your partner. Whatever it is, try to envision what the actual boundary would look like, were it manifested. A steel wall? Barb-wired covered fence? Now think about if someone or something you really loved and wanted was on the other side of that boundary. Can you create a door or passageway for them to enter to where you are? Is there a way you can find to welcome this beloved thing in? What would it be like if you could have the energy you invest in maintaining this boundary, and you could use it for something else?

Sex and Shadows

Sex is full of shadow. Shadow is a term from Jungian psychology that means all of the aspects of our selves of which we are unconscious. It often carries a negative connotation, and we can often see our own shadow by examining our criticisms, judgments and condemnations of others. So much of sexuality is hidden in shadows. Words like perverse and deviant when applied to human sexuality bespeak a moralistic damnation that reveal just how puritanical our culture is regarding sexuality. Puritanical, yet paradoxically hyper-sexual and sexualizing everything and everyone. I mean come on! We sell thongs for pre-pubescent girls with Juicy written across the tush. (Saw them the other day in Ross, just in case you think Im making this sh*t up.) Last year, I volunteered at the booth of the Center for Sex and Culture at the Folsom Street Fair. All day, I was surrounded by over 40,000 people flaunting versions of their own sexuality. Sexuality that is usually left in the shadows, behind closed doors, suddenly flooded the sunlit streets of San Francisco. For many who

come from all across the country to attend, its a chance to normalize and celebrate their sexual proclivities that may be unwelcome in their own communities. For those from San Francisco, its an annual reminder why we live here, since we feel a sense of belonging we never felt back home. Its certainly a visual circus. The initial thrill at the parade of the human pulled-pony costume wearing-riding crop bearing trainers in their carts. The heavy-petting zoo. The slick and slippery lube wrestlers with accompanying 50-gallon-drums of lube. The daring antics of the ariel rope suspensionists,artfully binding and then suspending other humans in the air and then doing things to them. Ten thousand

leather daddies that look like they just left audition for the Village people and what I thought every man would look like before I

And I hafta say, I think our collective shadow around sex is really intensely scary. Its much bigger than an annual street fair can counteract. Its the denial and repression of our very life-force, even as we hungrily devour the next porn magazine depicting non-consensual sex acts on teenage sleeping girls. Porn-addiction is a smokescreen, folks. Its the shadow thats too easily seen to truly be shadow. Real BDSM and Kink? (Not talking the spankety-spanky stuff, but more like The Secretary) Often, these are a really healthy attempt to bring from the shadow into the light our sexual desires that are in opposition to the ones we think we should have, if we are good girls and boys, or the desires our culture affirms as okay. What does traditional mainstream culture tell us is okay? Missionary position: one penis, one vagina, close your eyes turn out the lights and.go. Blow-jobs for men (but probably not from their wives.)

Stretching Boundarieswithout Snapping

The Boundary to what we can accept is the Boundary to our Freedom. ~ Tara Brach, from Radical Acceptance. When I first read this phrase, I thought she was crazy. I was deep in the process of learning what it meant to set and enforce boundaries for myself, instead of relying on other peoples good will when it came to my physical and emotional safety. The process of growing boundaries from scratch, and feeling that I had permission to do so, was arduous. And here comes this Buddhist, telling me that the boundaries I had were limiting my freedom. I thought I was creating boundaries in order to be free! Pissed me off. And in that annoyingly Buddhist way, both things were true. Boundaries DO help us to get free, initially. Just as putting a criminal in prison can help us FEEL safe, initially. But comes a time, where once weve put all the criminals in jail, and once weve enforced our boundaries on everyone in town, and we still may not feel safe. Then what? When I moved into my current home, there were heavy bars on all the doors and windows, and I supposed it was to make me feel safe. Problem was, almost immediately I started to feel imprisoned. I couldnt look at the view beyond my window without looking through the lens of someone elses fear. I took down the bars. So, the thinking was that bars keep unwanted persons OUT. It was a hard, physical boundary. No denying. And it also limited what I could accept. Couldnt accept a child, climbing in through the kitchen window with a bouquet of flowers. Couldnt accept leaning out into to the yard, to joke with my neighbor. Couldnt accept coming home to my traveling friend already inside enjoying a bath, even without a key. In some of the communities I move in, we are sensitive to each others boundaries, especially those that are verbally stated. We honor when

What does our culture of mainstream porn tell us is okay? Its okay to have sex with anybody, anytime, any position. Oh yeah I love it, squirt gush cum done. Its okay that there are no feelings, no intimacy, no connection. You dont have to feel. You dont have to connect. Sexuality is not about anything but bodies. Just parts with other parts

No, the real shadow here is how we commodify the very thing that brings us into existence on this planet. How we regulate it, or try to. How we fear it so intensely that art becomes suspect. How we use it to sell absolutely everything. How we make it all about a visual, and not at all about the intense intimacy, energy, and connection. This really pisses me off.

someone says that eye gazing triggers them, and we learn to avert our gaze so that they feel included. We value consent, so we wouldnt intentionally continue a behavior that pushes at someone elses boundary. This is respectful, and. designed, as if there were bars on my windows, to make us feel safe.

The erotic is energized by the entire human drama, including the unruly impulses and painful lesson that no one except those who retreat from

life can possibly avoid. No wonder the erotic mind conjures up images of debauchery as well as delight eroticism is the interplay of sexual arousal with the challenges of living and loving. You get it right? Sex is about being alive. The shadow of sex is commodification, moralism, judgment, repression, condemnation. Its not even about death its about just not being alive even as we live and breathe. All I can say is: Resist. Resist with your body, with your desire. Resist the corruption that everything is sexual and nothing is sexual. Resist with your kink, your fetish, your refusal to desire what you should desire. RESIST with your whole heart, your fiery passion, and your aroused genitals. Let us retain awareness of our sexual shadow, and not identification with it.