WE WILL NOT BE MOOVED There was little to offer the public hope of a swift end to the milk crisis

today as the relationship between unions and employers appeared to have turned sour. As talks broke down for the second time, it now seems inevitable that the "English National Union of Friesians" (ENUF), the most militant Cow union, will vote for industrial action next week. Other unions are likely to follow on herd instinct. "Enough is enough," said an ENUF spokescow, "and we've had it, now. Enough that is. We haven't 'had it', it's The Grid that have 'had it'. We've had enough." Government intervention has been ruled out by ministers, who last year saw the milk industry sold to the Cat Consortium and rebranded as "CattleGrid". "Another Milk shake-up would be counter-productive" said one government source. "Cows should remember that the grass isn't always greener". The cow unions have criticised CattleGrid MD, Samantha Black, for creaming off profits in a despicable "Fat Cat" manner. The leader of the larger "Association of Bovine Species" (ABS), which represents Jerseys, Guernseys and minority group cattle, described the position: "Conditions for cows haven't improved in centuries. Last year our members produced 6 thousand million litres, with a complicated range of semi-skimmed, skimmed, cream, cheese, yoghurt and fromage frais products. And yet we're relying on technology and materials which our grandparents considered outdated, and work the same long hours. CattleGrid simply told us not to cry over spilt milk." Earlier in the week, ABS had tried to put the brakes on strike action, criticising ENUF for acting "like a bull at a gate". But this evening the mood had changed, with ABS "cheesed off" with CattleGrid's attitude. Commenting on the risks their members faced due to BSE and foot & mouth, the ENUF spokescow pointed out that their members "had enough to deal with". Samantha Black was dismissive. "When I hear 'cows' and 'foot & mouth' mentioned in the same sentence I can't help but think of Beef Wellington" she quipped. Ms Black warned that the 'milk float' reserves were not large and the public would have to expect disruption if the dispute dragged on into next week. "The cows are trying to take the high ground, but they have previously opposed modernisation plans. They can't pretend that butter wouldn't melt in their mouths." When the herd heard this, cows responded with a stirring rendition of "We Will Not be Mooved". ENUF banners showed the members' feelings on the latest offer made to the cows - predictably - "It's just not enough". ==================================================== Steve Rhodes 01/07/03