Inheritances and Blended Families

Inheritances and Blended Families: Whos the Priority?
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Inheritances and Blended Families: Whos the Priority?

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Recently, I was talking to somebody about the topic of wills and inheritances. Our conversation centered on how family issues can play a big role in how things play out, and how situations can get complicated with dividing things up.
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The topic of my blog came up, and I mentioned that Ive written a few posts on this topic of late. First I shared the feedback from my post on siblings dividing an inheritance, and then I brought up my fairly recent post on 401(k) accounts and inheritances. The latter discussed how its important for people later in life to understand the specific rules on beneficiaries, as many people end up seeing their money go to someone other than who they thought would get the money. This is particularly true with adult kids and remarriages. Personally, I find this stuff to be fascinating, with the dynamics and dilemmas that are involved in such situations. The conversation ended up going to a story that this friend told me about someone he knew (might have been extended family, but I missed that detail) whose uncle had remarried later in life, after having 2 kids from his first marriage. The man married a woman who had kids from her first marriage as well; it was either 2 or 3 kids again, dont remember that detail. Whats most important is that they remarried later in life, and both had multiple grown children coming
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into this union. Anyway, the man died after a few short years of marriage, and left his assets to his new wife. All his assets. She got everything. Now, he was very close to his adult kids. Additionally, for years prior to getting remarried, he had told them that eventually they would get everything he had. However, upon getting remarried, something changed in that equation. Whether he got swept up in marriage, or it was an oversight, or whatever the reason was, his will indicated that his assets would pass to the 2nd wife. Thats right: his adult kids would get nothing, even though he was very close to them. Now, she was apparently fairly well off, and had seemingly accumulated a decent nest egg, as his story went. My friend didnt know the specifics, but apparently the womans first husband died and she had a sum of money from that marriage. He assumed she might have had more money than her husband the person my friend knew. What did the woman do with the inheritance? She kept it, using it for herself and her own kids.
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Inheritances and Blended Families: Whos the Priority? Squirrelers
Thats where Im left to disagree with that approach. My friend had more of an it is what it is opinion about this. In other words, he had the view that it was her money, so the woman could do what she wanted with it. If her husband gave her the money, its hers. He wanted to give it to her, so why shouldnt she take it? My view is different. While I acknowledge that the money would legally belong to the woman since she inherited it, morally and ethically she should share it with the mans adult kids. My reasoning is this: they were a part of their fathers life from the moment they were born up until his very end, which means their birth to their 30s. The second wife in the remarriage was only his wife for a few short years later in life. Thus, they should get priority. Even if he didnt have them in the will, it seems like the right thing to do for her to either: Give his assets to them entirely; or Give most of his assets to them entirely, and keep a small portion for herself. My friends comments were along the lines of the wife needs to come first, before kids, even if she was married for just one day rather than a few short years as was actually the case. The thinking was that this follows his view of the hierarchy of a mans responsibilities and that the kids are younger and can take care of themselves easier. My thinking is different. I believe that since shes his second wife, and he only knew for a few years later in life, she is far less deserving of his assets than his kids. To me, any assets accumulated before the 2nd marriage should be given back to the adult kids of the man. Then, the woman can keep the assets accumulated from the start of the marriage until the mans passing. That seems more fair to me, with the kids coming first. Bottom line is that I think that while the 2nd wife legally got all the money, it just seems wrong for her to keep most of it. Rather, the mans adult kids should be a priority, and she should recognize that. Again, shes apparently not poor and already had assets of her own already. My Questions for You: 1. Who do you agree with: my friend, or me? 2. While this may seem impossible to picture yourself in that womans situation, what would you do if you were a spouse in her exact situation? How would you handle it, considering the factors I mentioned?
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Posted by Squirrelers at 5:00 am
Tagged with: inheritance
55 Responses to Inheritances and Blended Families: Whos the Priority?
1.
PKamp3 says:
November 21, 2011 at 9:47 am
Ill keep out of the specifics, but the exact same thing happened in our family. A token amount went to the adult children while the second spouse took the lions share. The family did take a its his choice, but there were definitely some bruised feelings. The whole thing was certainly unfortunate. Reply
Squirrelers says:
November 21, 2011 at 12:03 pm
PKamp3 Thanks for sharing. That truly sounds like a shame, and I can understand why
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there would be bruised feelings. Such things are hard to imagine for many of us, but they probably happen all the time. Reply
Grant says:
January 7, 2013 at 8:36 am
Myself and my younger brother have only recently found out that our father plans to leave most of his money and asset to our step mother. Our father is wealthy from his first marriage to our mother. His second wife is also wealthy from her first marriage. Our father is nearly 75 and she is 70. Myself and my younger brother believe that what he is doing morally wrong. My younger brother has spoken to him about this on numerous occasions before I even found out what was happening. Over the christmas break we both had a meeting with our father. We confronted him about this and tried to make him relize in principle it was wrong she should get the lot. He said that she is his wife and was entitled to it. Our father has a tendency to lie to us just to try to shut us up and also says one thing and we find out later he does the opposite as we believe he is trying to please our step mother. When I last spoke to my father on my own he told me that he wants to distribute his will so that everyone is happy..Im not holding much hope as I believe he is lying. . What makes it harder for us is this happened over Christmas and New Years. My younger brother has a mental illness and this doesnt help his situation. We feel as though since our father remarried that his second wife is trying to alienate him from us. Myself and my brother are gutted and devastated by what has unfolded. Reply
Squirrelers says:
January 7, 2013 at 9:50 pm
Grant I can sympathize, and think that you have every right to be very frustrated by that. It seems incomprensible that two sons including one with illness would be shut out, while his 2nd wife gets money. Hard to undertand that decision, and behavior. I dont see how a 2nd spouse is entitled to any pre-marital assets over a persons grown kids. Marital assets are different, but premarital no.
2.
MoneyCone says:
Legally she did nothing wrong; but did she do the right thing? No. Our laws need to be re-written. Reply
Squirrelers says:
MoneyCone yes, legally she didnt do anything wrong apparently, but I agree with you that she still didnt do the right thing in terms of keeping the money. As for laws being changed, not sure what we can do in that regard. Except for 401k and IRA rules, which are examples of how someones intentions can be tossed aside based on technicalities. With respect to specific choices that are make by benefactors, maybe its incumbent upon them to keep their heads on straight when thinking about who deserves what. Also, theres some common decency that people can have on the receiving side of things. I cant imagine someone truly believing that they deserve to keep a spouses lifetime savings, after being married to the person for just a few years, as a priority over the persons own children. People can do strange things when it comes to money! Reply
3.
shanendoah@the dog ate my wallet says:
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November 21, 2011 at 12:12 pm My father and step-monther have been married for over 20 years now, so while its a second marriage, its not a late in life thing. However, pretty much from the beginning, my brother and I have realized that if our father dies first, we will get nothing (unless my father specifically wills us things.) Even things that came from our grandparents would not come to us without specific provisions. It will all go to my step-mother and then to her daughter and the grandkids. Im not happy about it, but it is what it is. Ive at least had 20 years to get used to the idea. When my step-father died, he left very little in the way of assets. What my mother got was spousal benefits and wouldnt have gone to his kids, regardless. However, she tried very hard to make sure all of his kids and his sister got something of his that they really wanted. Reply
Squirrelers says:
Shanendoah, Thanks for sharing your personal experience with this type of situation. Hopefully you dont mind that I say this, as I dont know the details, but it seems like a raw deal for you and your brother. I guess we all have to walk in someones shoes to judge, and many things arent always so straightforward to assess, but it just seems to me like adult children should not be forgotten. In the case of a late life marriage, I think adult kids should come first, period. Not the remarried spouse. Even in a case where the marriage wasnt the first but was still a long-term marriage (like the 20+ year one you mention), it seems to me that the second spouses kids (stepkids) should absolutely not be a priority over the actual, bio kids. Sorry to read this, I almost feel bad for bringing up the topic now. Well anyway, you seem like you have a handle on reality for you and your brother, and thats a great thing in itself. And kudos to your mother for her actions, by the way. Reply
shanendoah@the dog ate my wallet says:

My brother and I do not have a good relationship with our step-mother. She and I can get on tolerably well, but she got mad when he showed up for a visit before moving to the other side of the world (literally, we live in the States, he has now moved to Australia). My grandparents decided to leave nothing to the grandkids, but will leave things to my father that are intended for my brother and I. I expect he will give us those things right away. And theres a good chance that his will does have provisions for us. But the truth is, my brother and I are both adults and doing fairly well for ourselves. Id rather my father spend his money on him than worry about leaving anything to us. So, I dont plan on anything. It just really makes life simpler. Reply
4.
cashflowmantra says:
I agree with you, but obviously this lady is not moral or ethical. This is a situation where a prenuptial agreement is incredibly valuable. Since all involved were adults, it should have been addressed before the marriage. The kids would have even been wise to bring it up. Reply
Squirrelers says:
cashflowmantra I agree that ethics were missing from the beneficiary in this case, based on what we know. The man himself should have clearly protected his kids, as well. That could have mitigated a lot of issues, but you never know what pressure he felt or was under from her. Still, he should have manned up and taken care of his kids with the inheritance over her, even if she unfairly protested. If that happened, that is Reply
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Personal Finance Links Not So Suite Life Edition says:

November 21, 2011 at 8:55 pm [...] talks about blended families and inheritances. We had cases like this in law school and generally whatever the will says is how the money will be [...]
6.
101 Centavos says:

I agree with MoneyCone. The socially correct thing to do would have been to share some of it with the husbands adult kids, if anything designating it to the grandkidsl, present or future. Still, all concerned are adults, and there is no obligation for a parent to *have to* to leave an inheritance to adult children. It was choice, freely made. And, we say this of course setting aside any unknowns. For example, the disinherited adult kids could have been some really hateful and ungrateful turds, or unproductive economic leeches. Reply
Squirrelers says:
101C Id probably go a step futher and say that she should have shared most, if not all with the mans children. I do agree that we dont know all of the details here. But assuming that the kids have a good, loving relationship with their father (which actually was implied to me), are close to him, and are decent people (again implied), then I dont see why theyd be left out. Sure, the man had every right to do exactly as he pleased. However, maybe he was convinced to do it, maybe he was gullible, who knows? It just seems to me that the most deserving people, without any contradictory evidence, would be his kids not the 2nd wife who he was married to for a very short time, and certainly not her kids (his adult stepkids). I mean, hes free to do what he wants, and the kids arent totally entitled to it. If he gave it to charity, thats one thing. But his new wife and her kids getting money over his own kids seems entirely odd to me personally. I feel bad for those kids, as theyre his flesh and blood, yet they got shut out. Not that I know the people, but conceptually stuff like this just goes against my version of fair play. Reply
101 Centavos says:

I agree with you Squirrelers, but to quote some dialogue from Unforgiven: Little Bill Daggett: I dont deserve this to die like this. I was building a house. Will Munny: Deserves got nothin to do with it. Its a crappy situation. Reading about this should serve as incentive to those who dont have their estate planning sorted out, to get moving on it. Reply
ineedhelp says:
December 26, 2012 at 11:56 pm
I will be in this predicament sometime soon in the future. My stepmom is an evil greedy witch and we do not get along. long story kind of short, My dad raised my brother and I, he got remarried to this lady when I was 15 almost 16. I actually liked her alot until she moved in a within a year we were all miserable and my dad wanted a divorce, but I begged him to try and he did. I left after 2 years oof kiving with them becuase it was abusive and constantly fighting and she was really jealous of my dads affection towards me. They were both using some substances which made them even more neglectful. My dad was very well off and she spent his money like water, by the way she came into the marriage with nothing. I moved home again at at 20. After about 6 months she was getting crazy with me and we got into a fight. My dad kicked me out and chose her. 3 months later she got my dad to sell our house we grew up in. I was devastated. I had no where to live, my brother cam ehome from his 1st semester at college with nowhere to go, they didnt even bother telling us they were moving until they called me to come get my stuff. the whole house was packed already. I became so depressed. struggled all through my 20s dealing with the trauma & hurt. it has been horrible the last 10 year. They moved to an 2 million dollar
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house and were not allowed there =. a few times I went there she tried to cause problems and my dad just doesnt want t0o deal with her craziness so he just doesnt invite us. I am 30 now and last year my dad had an accident His throat was slit & wrists were slit. he claims he fell down the stairs. She told me 1st he was stabbed by black men in their house (this is also a gated and gaurded community) then her story changed to he was delusional and stabbed himself by accident because of his meds. She also has 1 son from her previous marriage whom at first my dad thought nothing of, hr kicked him after a year due to finding a pound of weed in his room. Now a few months before this happened her son got a divorce and starting lving with them. he is bad news and mooches off my dad ALOT.Hhe is 35 yrs old, and a known drug dealer. Ive told my dad that these people are bad news but he doesnt do anything. My dad was healthy active and great , now hes sickly depressed and just seems like hes giving up. My dad is 68 and she is 54. She is very greedly and has said clearly to me I dont want any relationship with you (me) and is constantly talking bad about me to my dad. She hated me and I hate her. When the day comes my dad passes all hell will break loose between my dads family and her. My whole family hates her. Yes, more than I can count have used those words. I believe her and her son had something to do with the accident.also on that day of the accident, she, her son, his newly X wife and their daughter went to disneylan, she came home after an hour therewho does that, becuase she said she had a bad feeling something was wrong. What steps do I need to take now in order to have some say in my fathers estate OR even in a case against her in the future. What would you do? Part of me just wants to walk away after all these years of pain they have cause me, but some part of me doesnt want to give up on my dad. I love him, but im suffering every time I see him, which isnt often. Reply
ineedhelp says:
December 27, 2012 at 12:00 am
Let me add, since last year, her son, my stepbrother and his x wife are running my dads restaurants, he wont let us work there but they can and are treated better than me and my brother Reply
7.
Well Heeled Blog says:

Thats why there NEEDS to be conversation around what the parents wishes are, along with sound legal counsel, prenups (esp. for second marriages), and wills. I feel for the kids. Reply
Squirrelers says:
Well Heeled Blog I concur with all of your points. Reply
8.
Mark says:
I have to disagree with most of the comments above. Suggesting that the law be changed (MoneyCone above) is ridiculous. They were HIS assets and HE decided who to leave them to. There are people who leave everything to the local dog shelter. Children are nto ENTITLED to an inheritance! It may cause hurt feelings and cause a rift in the family. It may even have been really stupid of him to set up his will as he did. But the great thing about America is we are all free to be stupid. Regarding the woman being unethical or immoral that too is absolute nonsense. Its much easier to blame her than the true culprit the father. Why did he write his will that way? Perhaps she made him happier than the first wife ever did. Perhaps he felt like his kids needed to be independent and not leech off an inheritance. Perhaps he told her he wanted her to enjoy it all. Perhaps he was incredibly naive and blinded by love. Unless he was tricked into it, he is 100% responsible for his decision.
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My father died some time ago. I have three siblings and my mothers will states that the surviving children divide everything equally when she dies. She has also made it very clear that if one of us dies before her, neither the spouse nor the children of that one gets anything at all. Apparently my father had strong feelings that (a) family means blood only, and (b) he only wanted everything to go one generation, and she wants to honor his wishes. Only if all four of us die before her (highly unlikely), do the grandchildren get anything at all. This clause will inevitably upset the excluded spouse and grandchildren. So if my brother dies and the rest of us decide to give his wife a portion of our inheritances are we dishonoring my father? Would the posters here call us unethical if we didnt share? Reply
Squirrelers says:
Mark, First off, thanks for the detailed comment and for sharing your personal experience with this issue. It really adds to the discussion, and lends perspective. As far as my own perspective is concerned, I can only speak to that and not the other commenters so Ill leave their feedback to them. But I do think that there are clearly many gray areas in these types of situations. With your hypothetical situation that you mentioned in your last sentence, I dont see how I could have enough information to label anyone unethical. Overall, it seemed like your fathers wishes were to see to it that his blood-related family was to be treated distinctly different from anybody else, never mind the one generation part. That actually fits in line with my thoughts shared in the post, where I thought that the mans earnings/savings before the re-marriage (not after) should go to his own adult children. Not the short-term 2nd wife or her kids he likely didnt know well. Ultimately, its each persons own decision what he/she wants to do with accumulated assets. Maybe its not so simple for me or others to judge many of these situations, as we dont have all the information. However, there are some situations that just seem wrong. In this case, I do think that the man himself does bear a lot of responsibility because he didnt protect his own kids, or perhaps he was naive or just swept away by this new lady in his life, no matter how happy he was with her for a short period of time. But either way, I cant see how she deserves more loyalty that his children whove been a part of his life for so long. And once the guy is gone, the woman herself should have the decency to accept and realize that the honorable thing to do would be to have his children get the assets (or most of it) and not her. I just dont see how she could actually think that she and her own kids should profit off this mans lifetime work, while his own kids his flesh and blood should get nothing. Reply
Mark says:
I think we should not be judging the woman at all. As my personal example shows, the will is about the wishes of the deceased, not the wishes of the beneficiary. I strongly believe it was his estate to give to whoever he chose, and that going against his wishes as you suggest she should do is far more immoral and unethical than respectting his wishes. We do not know why he gave it all to her. If he told her he wanted his kids to have nothing then why would it be honorable for her to give something to his kids? It would be the most dishonorable thing she could do. If he had wanted them to have it he would have left it to them simple as that. This is not some error in beneficiary designation on a retirement account this is the mans WILL which he wrote to distribute HIS assets to the people HE wanted to have them. Who are we to say he was wrong? And even if we think he was wrong, who is she to go against his wishes and redistribute? And how do we know he didnt pay child support to his first wife or contribute mightily to their wellbeing when they were to younger. Perhaps he felt they had already been given too much. Perhaps he was mad at them for not liking his second wife. Perhaps he was just a spiteful old man. Regardless, if he was a mentally competent adult, his wishes should be respected. Reply
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Squirrelers says:
Not sure about the notion that its immoral to disagree with the 2nd wife and her kids enjoying his money, while his own kids are left out. I tend to look at it the other way. How she could actually believe that she deserves the mans life savings and can share it with her kids, while the mans own kids are shut out, just seems way wrong. I see the point that its the guys choice to do what he wants with his money. However, based on the generalities of what I was told in the conversation, it seems like the kids had a really good relationship with their father, and were hurt by being left out. Perhaps he was swept away, in his old age, by the new relationship that he got influenced into making her the beneficiary? I do agree with the reality that we dont know all of the details, but I havent seen anything to lead me to think that the short-term 2nd wife deserved the inheritance over the guys own kids. Seems like a raw deal for his kids. Clearly, there are different viewpoints on this, and I think each position has merits and logic that supporters could defend. I think we know each others strong views Thanks for the discussion.
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Nicole says:
I believe kids should make their own way in the world and not get any inheritance! And people should be allowed to do as they please with their money so long as its legal. Reply
Squirrelers says:
Its interesting how many of us have such vastly different viewpoints on this. I do have a question: if the kids should make their own way and not get any inheritance, does this logic apply to the short-term 2nd wife? Reply
Nicole says:
Its his money, he can do whatever he wants with it. Whether that be 100% to charity or his second wife. That is his business. Reply
CDH says:
I also agree children are not owed what the parents worked a lifetime for. They are responsible to do that themselves. It also depends on the relationships involved, and ideally a parent should leave something especially personal items. As for the 2nd spouses and examples of the step mothers. Heres the thing, once there is a second marriage many put that spouse on the deed. That spouse therefore owns the property and its right of survivorship and transfers right to the spouse regardless. Same with bank accounts etc. so legally its the 2nd spouses. People forget all this. Reply
Squirrelers says:
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January 3, 2013 at 7:44 pm Really though, the more I think about it, it just seems wrong for a 2nd spouse to swoop in and take priority over the her/his spouses kids. This is why a prenup protecting kids would be a good idea. I couldnt imagine anyone expecting to come before a persons children, but clearly some do. Reply
Linda Ryals says:

I looking from a different point of view, I have 3 stepdaughters, one whom is so greedy she would do anything to cut me out, her Father is suffering from memory loss and she talked him into changing everything we own into her name and then when he done it he couldnt remember what he had done and she filed guardianship and totally wiped me out of everything but for the past 2 years I have been my husbands caregiver. I didnt want to fight them over this so when she filed for guardianship I left it alone. The Judge appointed her guardian of his property and I was appoint his health care surrogate she didnt want that responsiblily she just wanted the money. So in my situation I would leave it up to my husband, the only thing I wanted was a home paid for, but she had him change the insurance policy that would pay the house off if he passed before me over to her as owner and benf. She has spent over $200,000.00 in 17 months mostly for attorney fees and now she has resigned and the Judge appointed a professional guardian. We live on a $1000.00 mo allowance. She cancelled my health insurance and anything that would benefit me, the way I look at it is her time will come. Reply
Squirrelers says:
January 24, 2013 at 10:23 pm
Linda that sounds like a complicated situation. I wish you all the best. Reply
10.
retirebyforty says:
The adult kids should have talked to the dad before he passed away. Its too late to do anything when someone is gone. I need to know more detail before I can make any judgement. Maybe the dad needed special care for the last 2 years of his life and the new wife provided that. Reply
Squirrelers says:
RB40 I agree that communication could have been better here. Its too bad for the kids that it didnt happen. Also, I dont get the feeling that it was a case of the new wife caring for an ailing man and waiting on him hand and foot, rather it was just a matter of her collecting all the money just because she was legally entitled to it. Reply
11.
Stepmom Coach says:

I must say that this may happen more often than we want to acknowledge. I agree with you Squirrelers that since the 2nd wife seemed to be financially OK, she should have given to the kids what was expected of them. Of course, we dont have all the details of how the relationship went between him and his adult kids once he remarried. I have be remarried with my husband now for 21 years. We made a will specifying that items acquired before we got together were to go to our own children respectively but anything we accumulated together was to be divided equally. We now have sons-in-laws and grandkids and we have now included them in this will. Weve been open with the kids as to what to expect so that there would be no surprises whatsoever.
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Death and inheritance is what can break a family apart. Thanks for starting this dialogue. Hopefully more people will be open to talk about money instead of hoping someone else will take care of things when they are gone. Reply
12.
Financial Samurai says:

I have a different take. I disagree with anybody who talks about inheritance. Its such a bad topic with bad connotations. I dont want an inheritance and dont ever want to think about an inheritance as that means my loved ones are now dead. Reply
13.
Invest It Wisely says:

It seems somewhat wrong to me, too, but inheritance issues seem to always be messy and tangled. Im personally of Sams viewpoint I wouldnt get that much of an inheritance, anyways, and definitely not from my parents, but whenever my grandmother talks about this stuff I dont really want to hear about it because it would mean that she is gone. Reply
14.
GET RICH WITH PENNY MINING STOCKS!! (not really, its just this weeks roundup of worthwhile links) | 101 Centavos says:
November 26, 2011 at 5:27 pm [...] Estate planning is an important enough arrow in the financial planning quiver. Squirrelers posts a real-life story of an inheritance situation gone wrong, with Inheritance and Blended Families, Who is the Priority. [...]
15.
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16.
** Everything Finance Monthy Round Up Black Friday Edition - Everything Finance - A Good Personal Finance Blog says:
December 6, 2011 at 12:47 pm [...] offers a tricky topic that is becoming more common in our age of frequent divorces in the post, Inheritances and Blended Families: Whos the Priority?Ask the Reader: Best Income Streams is what My Multiple Incomes asks of his readers. Read through [...]
17.
Renee says:
Im curious of any thoughts of my situation. I married my husband after being a single Mom to a daughter. She was 15 years old at that time. (I use the term single mom, in the sense that I had no help from my ex and she doesnt even remember him). At the time of our marriage, his children were 5 and 9. I willingly gave up working to raise our 3 children together. They had no contact from their bio mom either. It seems tht my husband is only naming his bio kids as beneficiaries to his estate, even though he claims to love my daughter too. I can understand the premarital assets going to just his children, if need be. BUT.Im thinking that any assets after we married should be distributed equally. I hope it doesnt sound as if this is all I care about. I love my husband dearly, but am wondering if its worth theheartache to pursue this. I really think there will be hurt feelings, since hes always claimed to be my daughters dad. Our grown children are doing well for their ages of 21, 25 and 31. Reply
Squirrelers says:
January 16, 2012 at 11:20 pm
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Renee Thanks for the comment and sharing your story. I feel for you in this case, and can understand your consternation. Really, it seems to me that when people marry, they should have control over their premarital assets. However, it seems fair that once married, marital assets are to be shared with kids treated fairly. In this case, marital assets dont appear to be shared in terms of a will based on how youre describing it. I agree with you that it seems unfair. In terms of how to handle it, thats a tough one and a sensitive topic. I dont know. But I agree with you, and can understand your concerns for sure. Reply
18.
Gwen says:
December 3, 2012 at 8:08 am
Well the kids should keep close to this lady rather than argue over it and then she will concider them in her will. Her husband married her and made a commitment to her. The children will marry and have a husband of their own. My soon to be husband (boyfriend now). He has made plans for me and him. He was married and she died of a heart attack (god bless her sole). SHe was a very nice person. and the sister thinks she should get half of everything they had (they were married for over 26 years with no children). He says its our retirement money now. I just have a problem with being burried alone. She is there now alone. but he will join her many years from now. But where do I go? It appears I will be burried alone. I cry over this. but what can you do. Reply
Squirrelers says:
December 4, 2012 at 12:35 pm
Gwen the older I get, the more I see that life isnt always perfect. Long-term relationships can hold a place with people in their heart for a long time it seems, even when they end. Reply
Bnicebkind says:
At the age of 48 I remarried for the second time, my wife was 44 and this is her third marriage. I have two adult sons 24 and 20 at that time and my wifes son was 19. We have now been married for 2 years. When we first discussed getting married she did not want anything other than to share her life with someone. Now its becoming a different story. I have a home that was paid by me and my inheritance from my parents. I pay for everything, bills, food,family outings. I also gave my step son 9 thousand dollars for university. She has now just started to work at a simple job. I have asked her to save her money so she can help her son while I cover the expenses. However, she has now become so religious that she has decided to tithe rather than save to help her son. She has told me that I should split everything I have with all the kids. She tries to make me feel guilty by using the bible. My will says everything in my name goes to my kids. The marriage agreement states she will get my 35 year pension and 20 percent of the house after 20 years of marriage. So I can relate with this story. Maybe the father felt guilty and changed the will trusting his new wife will share it with his kids. I get that kind of talk where she tells me that she is a Christian and will do the right thing. But it does not fly with me. My will stays as is and the marriage agreement will not be changed. I did not get married to give my kids inheritance away. By the way does christian mean taking whats not yours in the first place? Reply
Squirrelers says:
Bnicebkind Based on what youre telling me, you seem to be very generous with her. Frankly, I think that premarital assests for people that are in mid-life with kids already should be kept for themselves and their
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kids. Marital assets should of course be joint and treated as shared. But I dont see why anyone should tell you what to do. Additionally, if you have a marriage agreement (assuming you mean prenup?), why not honor that? Im with you on this one, completely.
19.
Hopes says:
January 10, 2013 at 12:01 am
First of all thanks for opening up this subject, and I also like yor writing. Tell me what you think of a mother who made her inheritance under her brothers name instead of her kids? Her kids most of the time stay with another parent due to certain obligations. Do you think thats why the mother doesnt wish to give her inheritance to them? Besides these kids didnt hit the adult age yet. Id like to hear your thoughts on this. Reply
Squirrelers says:
January 11, 2013 at 10:17 pm
Hopes thanks for the compliment. As for the situation youre describing, its hard to come up with a definitive opinion on it since I dont have much information. In general, I would think that most situations would call for a single or divorced parent giving money to their kids as a priority over anyone else including a sibling. Reply
20.
Evil Step Monster says:

January 11, 2013 at 10:47 pm
Funny that my story and I need helps are somewhat similar. In short, my parents split when I was eight. Father remarried my Moms 1st cousin and we (my sister and I) effectively lived with her 2 daughters and 1 son (our second cousins) in a house of seven after my dad marrried the evil gold-digging witch. Only difference is now we were called steps. Those were six years of emotional and physical abuse. I was the youngest. My sis and eventually moved back with out Moms in another state. Since then (I am now 40) her daughters have remained close to her and father is still together. Weve been completely alienated from our father. Her kids and their daughters (grand kids) are spoled with cruises, gifts, down payments for condos on the beach..etc. Now it is what is is and I get that but my major point of contention is what happens to a property that my mother and him own that still remains that she never contested when they divorced. My mothers father lent my dad the money to purchase that property back in the early 70s. I should mention that my mother (RIP) passed away a few years ago from cancer. She was my best friend and never spoke a word of dirt on that witch by the way. So if this home that still exist is left to my step mother upon my dads death, it will undoubtably go to her kids and my sis and I are screwed. Never mind the step-monster never worked a day in her life and and is bat-shit crazy. But she spends my dads bucks lavishly on her and her own kids and grandkids. Its sick how she treats my dad. But he just goes with it because he doesnt want to set her off. The whole situation is pathetic as neither I nor my sister has ever asked my dad for anything! Really. And we are demonized by this witch because we are not of her spawn. I dont care about his money nor do I need it. But the vacation house is another matter all together. I dont have the guts to ask my father what happens to that house if he passes..and I already feel like I know the answer. Its a gut aweful feeling that this house that was effectively on my moms side of the family before they spilt would be a place that stays..in the family..HER FAMILY. So like I NEED HELP asked..is their anything I can do to get my ducks in line..regarding his estate? contesting it? or even being noticfied that he has passed when he does? I live with my wife in Europe and they are in the USA. I feel like they think I will go away quietly if he dies. And her kids get this asset the house..the money, the other house..etc. etc. And my sis and I are now left without a father. We already lost out mother and its siclkening to think this witch gets all these houses to leave to her kids. I just want to be part of the house that was originally mothers!! Nothing more, nothing less. PLEASE ADVISE. Thank you. Reply
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Squirrelers says:
January 12, 2013 at 12:46 am
Hi thanks for the comment. I feel for you (and your sister), my sympathies that you lost your mother. What a wonderful person for not having said anything bad about the stepmother. Speaking of which, its unfortunate that you have had to find yourself pulled away from your father, and also face situations such as this with property. Now, I dont know enough to truly advise on what to do perhaps a professional might be a good step for that? That being said, one thing that comes to mind is maybe asking directly what will happen to the vacation home that was on your moms side of the family in the first place. Just a thought. Anyway, I wish you all the best. Its not fair that a stepmother comes ahead of her stepchildren, in general. I think that a man should take care of his kids first and foremost. Thats not at all to say that a 2nd (or 3rd, or whatever) is a 2nd class citizen, because that wouldnt be fair. Rather, a guys premarital asssets seem to be more the domain of his kids, and NOT part of the remarriage. At least, based on some standards of fairness if nothing else. This applies to women who marry again as well, though for some reason this issue seems to occur with 2nd wives and not 2nd husbands. I wish some men would simply get their priorities straight and not get sweet talked/manipulated/etc into pushing their kids aside and putting someone else on a pedestal way above them. That comment isnt directed at the situation you described as I dont know enough to say that, but thats just my opinion in general. Reply
21.
spouse says:
January 27, 2013 at 11:40 am
My father passed three weeks ago, his 2nd wife passed three days ago. She has two adult children. Who gets my fathers estate? We do not have any information because her children are not including us. Reply
Squirrelers says:
First off, my condolences. Thats unfortunate. Separately, its also unfortunate that youre not getting information. You know, it seems like far too often, the fathers children somehow get disadvantaged vs. the mothers children, for whatever reason. I hope things work out for you and your own bio siblings, all the best. Reply
22.
2nd Wife says:

Premarital assets are difficult to parameters on what is fair in a second marriage especially with children. Marriage typically consists of the husband and wife sharing everything for the good of the family and after death, passing onto the children. I dont believe that a child should have the right to a deceased parents inheritance while a spouse is still living; that spouse is still part of the family union and should be able to maintain the same lifestyle as what they shared while the other spouse was still living. Lets turn the tables, would it be fair for the children to inherit a primary residence that was a premarital asset, kick out the step parent during their later years and have the right to sell the home in order to cash in and buy themselves a new BMW? Step parents make tremendous sacrifices for their stepchildren, or at least they should, and they should be respected as a parent. To avoid ill feelings, as a second wife, our solution is to have the living spouse retain the marital estate (including premarital assets) and then pass this along to each child equally after death. Reply
Squirrelers says:
Whether 2nd wife or 2nd husband, I think that of course the spouse deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. Along those lines, assets accumulated during the marriage seem to be fair game to be shared. Where I diverge from 100% sharing (again, for wife or
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husband) is regarding premarital assets. It just seems like if somebody has children, and accumulated assets before marriage, those assets should be used to help the kids. Why would there be ill feelings if assets from before a marriage arent given to the surviving spouse? Reply
23.
Sandy says:
February 2, 2013 at 7:06 pm
I have listened to all your comments about second wives. I am one of them. I have been beaten mentally by my husbands two adult children. They have been so disrespectful to their father, have called him names, abused him inside and out. My husband lost his wife at age 53 to years of cancer. he was a great father, husband and caregiver, He gave his kids everything, down payments on houses, cars, jewelry, seasons baseball tickets, numerous dinners out on him with their families and it has never been quite enough. I tried over and over to not intrude giving them space with their father. When they came over I would take the grandkids outside so they could be alone and talk with each other. These kids did not want me in their fathers life. I come from a wonderful family, have 4 children of my own all married and these kids will NOT even after 10 years know or will socialize with my family. We all have tried to include them in everything, they are encourage able. I have over extended myself for years to be nice, to get abused with their trashy mouths and nasty remarks if they dont like what their father does. of course I get told I tell my husband what to do. I do not do that. Example: I went up to my husbands wife grave to plant flowers with him and do some weeding and I received a call when his daughter found out and was called every name in the book. I went because my husband asked me to and being his wife I wanted to support him. The daughter went up and dug up all the flowers and threw them away. My husband has had more meetings with the both of them and nothing gets through to them. They have used their father for free trips, dinners etc. And they have been nothing but disrespectful to him. He did have money but they have drained him. His son hasnt spoken to him since my husband sold his home and we bought another one together. The son wanted the house free couldnt afford not even the utilities. Parents work hard to get ahead in life. No parent left my husband anything, nor did mine. This is our money. We are married 8 years now. his first marriage was 27. It doesnt matter how much time you have with someone, you are one when you get marries. you share everything together. Your kids are married on their own, they make their own life as we did. You cant expect parents to feel they owe you money when it was theirs in the first place. Sorry, kids need to stop with this theory that parents owe something to their kids when they die! If a parent wishes are to give their money to someone else, for whatever reason, their wishes should be respected. These kids have tortured my husband and myself for 10 years now, no matter what we try to do to please them it is not good enough. Sometimes you just walk away to keep your sanity. kids you get more with honey than vinegarStop fighting your step parent and try to get to know and give a little from your hearts After all, your own father loves this woman. how would you like it if your father treated your spouses that way? We have had gifts returned we sent the kids, thrown on our front porch, returned in the mail, ignored calls,. Parents in their 60s should be enjoying their retirements and not going through all this stress and anxiety. I find this so selfish and when their father is gone someday they will have to live with the guilt of treating him and me so badly. I go out of my way to help with everything as babysitting all summer for 3 kids and not one thank you . 8 years we have never been invited to a birthday party for the grandkids or over for dinner at his kids. It has been pretty ulgy. My husband finally said he was done and moving on with his life which could end at anytime when you approach late 60s. These kids are ungrateful, selfish and I thank God everyday my kids are not like them. Reply
Squirrelers says:
February 2, 2013 at 7:16 pm
That sounds like a difficult situation. Sorry youve had to deal with trouble. People deserve to be treated respectfully, and it looks like you may not have been given that courtesy. As for the money part, I think that money prior to marriage does not belong to the second spouse. Note that I feel this way whether its a second wife or second husband. Really, what it comes down to is I dont feel a second spouse is entitled to money as a priority over his/her step kids who were there for years before. Now, income after marriage it seems to me like that would be shared jointly. For that part, I agree. Reply
24.
Linda says:
February 5, 2013 at 9:39 am
14 of 15
2/5/13 7:16 PM
I understand both sides, When my father died my stepmother got everything, even the stuff we all know my father wanted us to have, guns he left my brothers she sold before he died, his truck he wanted for his grandsons and some anniites for his grandsons educations all gone. My brothers and I got nothing. Now I am on the other end. I married a man with adult children and I have adult children I moved into his out. with little to know assest. We decide to have his house appraised so that assest could be set aside to his kids but the house is not worth what is owed on it. We have decide if we died the assest will be split equally among all our children the problem come in if only one of us dies. Reply
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Inheritances and Blended Families

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Inheritances and Blended Families: Whos the Priority?

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Inheritances and Blended Families: Whos the Priority? Squirrelers

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Inheritances and Blended Families: Whos the Priority? Squirrelers

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Well Heeled Blog I concur with all of your points. Reply

Inheritances and Blended Families: Whos the Priority? Squirrelers

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