New Crisis: California Runs Out of

IOU’s
From Banana News (www.bananaws.com)
State Fault Lines Fracture the Alphabet
July 17, 2009
State Fault Lines Fracture the National Alphabet
July 17, 2009
The California budget crisis has walloped a State
already beset by earthquakes, suburban wildfires,
rolling mudslides, and deteriorating tan lines. Now in
a potential fatal punch to the California lifestyle,
terminator turned Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
announced that the California State Government has
run out of IOU’s to pay state salaries, services, and
creditors who, in the past weeks, have converted their
budget operations to vowel based software.
Stated the harried-hair-brushed looking Governor from
his temporary Volkswagen Van office:
“The State politicians refuse to raise an IOU tax which
would have allowed California’s citizens to fill out UOI
forms to the California Government which we could
have turned upside down and mailed to State
employees and creditors. Instead, those hard working
California firefighters and policemen, rather than
building up their UIO bank accounts with State IOU’s,
are now left stranded, abandoned by the only
Government they can proposition, in a:
o-no, IO-IO-I-NO-U-NO-IO-U-TOO no funny money
limbo.”
State budget comptroller Harold Greensad explained
from his Government foldout table in a parking lot
next to the Governor’s Volks-Voffice-Vagon:
“We were getting our finances wrestled into place but
Voter Proposition 498 went off and hit us like a
Hollywood shot-gun blast by banning the State
Government from printing IOU’s by fiat. The Governor
took the hit and charged back with his plan to back
each State issued IOU with three hard cracked
alphabetic consonants.
However a group of economists, at Davis, claimed that
with a possible five consonants for every vowel, the
consonant-backed IOU plan would be inflationary. “
Explained Davis Economist Callout Cartiner:
“Here, in California we already have too many I’s,
Me’s and U’s chasing after too few goods. That last
thing this State needs is more California owe’s chasing
after other California owes. We have enough
inflationary pressures in this State. On top of that we
have all the pressure coming from a large number of
out of state, owe-me-too’s. “
Political analysts claim the source of California’s
budget crisis stems from a rapidly growing State
population with changing needs and a political system
that is finely structured to create the perfect
stalemate.
Democrat state Congressman Ron Warmate explained
the situation from his surfboard at Malibu beach :
“The Republicans are just crazy. They see a
despondent man about to leap off the Golden Gate
Bridge and, to save him, they order the rescue squad
to cut his taxes.”
Republican State Congressman Nor Stalewar explained
the situation from his off-road all terrain vehicle in the
Santa Monica mountains:
“The Democrats are just crazy. They see a despondent
man about to leap off the Golden Gate Bridge and to
save him they order the rescue squad to give the man
mouth to mouth bilingual education.”
Sacramento resident Laster Bounrutblamed
California’s geography:
“I think, approximatingly, the problem lies on the
ground, like under us, in the kabuki-fettucineshaped
political districts. Like drawing map lines while
drinking red comic-Kool Aid was blasted good fun 30
years ago when everyone thought they were, like,
finding a California home for their Milky, like, Way,
galaxy friends. But, in the end, it just fried all these
political incumbents to the surface of their districts.
I’m sure 20 years after they are dead we will be stuck
electing the same politicians to their own land-shape.
Like, who in California is going to take a
Congressman’s district away from him just because
he’s a bit dead? ”
The harried-hair-brushed looking governor
Schwarzenegger added a new warning from his
temporary Volkswagen Van home and office:
“We have just been informed that voters who are
upset over proposition 498 are now launching
proposition 501 which, if passed, would ban governor-
to-terminator, and back, transformations. Such
restrictions would impair my ability to control state
spending and my fan mail. I encourage voters to reject
this proposal or face a: I-o-a-zu ---future
---- 4-I-8-a-z-b-ra-2.”
Explained comptroller Greensad: “We are just days
from having thousands of State residents scavenging
for food in dumpsters, canyons, or wherever there
might be a living animal without his or her rights-
support group. If budget based hunger develops,
California’s weight-loss clinics could be threatened
with a statewide calorie meltdown and lose their own
political weight. It would lead to a devastating loss of
tax revenue. And the absence of weight loss clinics
would force hundreds of California’s highest earning
actors to migrate out of State or be left stranded,
abandoned by the only State they can proposition, in a
o-no, I-gro-gro-gro I-NO-U-NO-I--8-2-gr0-4-a, c-6-e
moo-v sho
no funny contract limbo.”
Sacramento resident Laster Bounrut blamed California
itself for the IOU crisis:
“I mean this State is totally twisted. Like everybody
knows, if you don’t want to pay taxes you just climb
up on a rail on the Golden Gate Bridge and take a few
deep yoga breaths. Like, it gets you a better deal
than claiming the smoke-garden in your closet as a
farm tax deduction. But, you know, this hombre friend
of mine climbed up and got in only two yoga breaths,
before some weirdo from the rescue squad rushed
inand gave him a San Francisco smooch while
attempting to spit a Mexican greeting down his
throat."
Davis Economist Callout Cartiner blamed the
politicians for the stalemate and offered a long term
solution:
"Here in California the incentives are structured
towards divorce first, weight loss second, and
compromise last. The only solution is to put
Republicans on one side of the San Andreas fault and
Democrats on the other and just let nature gradually
pull each party into the own world they are already
living in.”
Laster Bounrut almost agreed:
"That, GreenSad, is, like, almost a trained coward
sitting there at his Government card table speaking to
the people of California in these: IO, UO, we all O,
spineless vowels all the time. Likepeople intuit, it’s
because he believes consonants only inflate the
rhetoric. So what happens instead? A swarm of serial
propositioners goes and puts 501 on the ballot
because they know if the Governor can’t transform
back to his old movie self, he can’t terminate any
State programs. So, like, then the 501 people can,
like, terminate the Governor, and just transform whole
cracking State to, terminated status.
But that could be cool too. I mean, what proposition is
there in the entire Milky, like, Way Galaxy, that can
take California away from the politicians just because
the State is a little bit dead?.”
Some Newspapers Make You Cry
Others Make You Laugh
Banana News (www.bananaws.com)
Read it. Post a Comment. Have Fun.