Justice Roberts Retires His Conflict

of Interest: Obama Nominates

Computer to Supreme Court
July 25, 2009

Freshly Ground Experience Goes a Nuance too Far

From Banana News (www.bananaws.com)
The Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court shocked the
world by suddenly announcing his retirement. Only six
weeks after Justice Souter announced his retirement date
and two weeks after Congressional hearings on the
Sotomayor nomination, Justice Roberts issued the
following statement from a fully packed SUV in the front
driveway of his Washington DC residence:
“After twenty one days of rigorous self inspection and
personal review I have concluded I am not qualified to be
a member of the highest, or even lowest, court in this
country. Reflecting upon the Senate commentary and
questioning in the Sotomayor hearing, I have come to
realize that my personal experience has, at times,
influenced my perception of court cases which I have
voted on.
I want to thank certain members of Congress for allowing
me to appreciate the strength of my personal bias and
providing me the chance to protect the citizens of the
United States and the U.S. Constitution from any
experience I may have had.”
Reporters flocked to Justice Robert’s driveway and
demanded he provide an example of how personal
experience had influenced his professional judgment.
Standing alongside his Dodge SUV Roberts soberly
answered:
“Four weeks ago I drank a large cup of Starbucks coffee
before coming into court. This, I determined, stimulated
my mind to the extent that I was able to see clearly, a
nuance in the Mealier vs. Muffer case. I, thereafter folded
the logic of the nuance, into a neat, triangular argument,
and laid it inside the larger ellipse shaped logic of the
Mealer-Muffer case. I realize now, that had I not drank
that cup of coffee, I would have blindly stumbled over the
nuance, trampled it afoot, and buried it so deep into the
geometry of the law, that that no Supreme Judge nor
Grande sized Starbuck stimulus package would have been
able to excavate that petite nuance from its trampled
spot. Thus the Mealer-Muffer three-side precedent would
not have been fused it into the over-arching nine-sided, or
Nonagon, structure of U.S Constitutional law. “
When asked by reporters on what his future plans might
be Judge Roberts answered:
“Of course my realization of having a possible Starbucks
Grande bias only came to me after drinking a second cup
of coffee which stimulated my interest into evaluating
how the first cup of coffee may have influenced my
decisions. Had I not had that second cup of coffee I may
not have chosen to think about how the first cup of coffee
influenced my court decision. I am currently trying to
determine if having a third cup of coffee would offset the
second cup bias and allow me to better judge whether
there, indeed, had been a first cup bias, or whether
instead, a third cup would enhance any bias, if it truly
exists, induced by the second cup of coffee.”
Reporters then asked Judge Roberts that if he was not
letting the personal experience of listening to the
Sotomayor hearings on the radio, indirectly influence
future Supreme Court decisions by permanently recusing
himself from the court as result of that radio listening
experience. Justice Roberts answered:
I, now realize, that I cannot objectively answer that
question because the experience of having heard that
question may bias my answer to it.”
President Obama congratulated Justice Roberts for his five
years of Government service and in finding a means to
prevent his experience, as an Indiana Republican, from
further biasing U.S. Constitutional law. The President
immediately listed the top five candidates the White
House team had assembled to fill Justice Roberts’s
vacancy, each which the President stated, would diversify
the Court. President Obama slowly read the list to
reporters assembled outside a Starbucks café four blocks
from the White House:
1) Circuit court Judge Beech Wammer from Newark Back-
Court District of New Jersey, a 51 yr veteran of the
court system.
2) Wally-John Pritchard the 3rd, a tree surgeon from
Haines City South Carolina.
3) Circuit court Judge Nave Vivid of the Hollywood Court
District, California.
4) The Hewlett Packard 876 Z series Computer—installed
with Carnegie Mellon’s, Judge-Mate software
5) Carlos Angel-Primavera or, “Numchuck Charlie”, an
18 year plus “4 to go” veteran of the New York state
prison system.

The President defended his choices with the following

statement:
“This team represents some of the finest minds,
and/or hands, in the country. Each candidate has the
potential to bring a fresh perspective to U.S.
Constutional law and broaden the view of the court
away from the telescopic, and at times, microscopic,
and other times, nano-scopic, and sometimes, blind
view, common to White Male, Ivy league educated,
Law School Graduates who have limited experience
outside rooms where whispering is the standard form
of communication.”

Reporters immediately asked the President which

candidate would bring the most empathy to the court.
The President answered with a carefully prepared
statement:

“To maintain credibility justice must be blind.

Therefore I have added a computer to our list of
candidates, which, to maintain impartiality had been
randomly chosen and sent to the White House by
another computer. We hope to use a third computer
to pick which one of these excellent top choices
should be the next Supreme Court judge.”

Reporters: “But wouldn’t the computer be impartial

to picking the Hewlett Packard series Z computer to
be the top candidate?”

Obama: “If it did, it would show us that computers

were not impartial and therefore eliminate the series
Z computer candidate.”

Reporter: “But then you, rather than the computer

would be deciding the next nominee and perhaps,
letting your empathy for, Judge Beech Wammer, and
his 51 year wait, cloud your judgment as to who is the
best candidate for the Supreme Court.”

Obama “Any cloud 51 years old would have rained

down a long time ago. Sorry folks, former Judge
Roberts is inside Starbucks, waiting for me with a
Grande Latte, a blindfold, and a Seeing Eye dog. He’s
got some question and coffee game I promised to play
with him, in exchange, for his agreeing to be my new
ambassador to the Starbucks Corporation.”

Odac Snarler
Banana News