SUCCESSFULQUARRELING

Introduction A. Conflictisinevitable.Afellowwhosayshehasneverhadanargumentwithhis wifeisapttolieaboutotherthings,too. B.Apartnershiprequiresworkingonthingstogether.Youwillhave disagreementsduetoyourdifferentbackgroundsandopinions. 1. Marriageistwobecomingoneandthewholetimeyouaretryingtodetermine whichoneitis! 2. Onefellowsaid,Thenicethingaboutbeingsingleisthatallthedecisions areunanimous. C. Longtermmaritalstabilitydemandstheabilitytoresolveconflictsuccessfully! 1. Thepositivesfirstdrawpeopletogether,butthenegatives(andhowthey arehandled)ultimatelypullpeopleapart. 2. The4emotionallandmines:CRITICISM,CONTEMPT,DEFENSIVENESS, andWITHDRAWAL(esp.iftheybecomechronicandignored) 3. CONFLICTRESOLUTION:criticallyimportant,yettoooftenneglected. I.GENERALPOINTERS A.Becareful...Onezingererasestwentypositives! 1. Song:Angrywords,oh,letthemnever...isgoodadvice. 2. Hurtful,harshcommentscanbecomehugewithdrawalsfromthelove bankanddoseriousdamage. B.Whenindoubt,wait! 1. Onceitisout,thehurtisnotsoeasilytakenback. 2. Onesecrettoahappymarriage:Letthreethingsgoeverydayunsaid! C.Relationshipshavemomentum,anebbandflowthatiseitherpositiveornegative. 1. Likeasnowballrollingdownhill,itcanbeeitheranadvantageor disadvantage. 2. Whenheadinginthewrongdirection,standupandsay,Letsgetoff thisnegativecycleandstophurtingeachother.Letsapologize, putitbehindus,andbuildeachotherup,notteareachotherdown! D.Bewareofthemodernegalitarianmarriage. 1. Traditionalroleshavebeendiscardedtoday.Thereisnofinalarbitratorof disputes. 2. Nootherorganizationonearthfunctionsthisway.Marriagesthat attempttodeteriorateintopowerplays.

3.BlurredrolesandrulesputuntoldstrainonAmericanmarriages. II.WHATDOMOSTCOUPLESARGUEABOUT? A. 5traditionalareasofconflictsincestudiesbegan: 1. Sex 2. Children(whether/whentohaveandhowtoraise) 3. Money 4. Inlaws(Whosmoreimportant,yourparentsorme?) 5. TremendousTriflesinconsequentialthingsthatdrive peopletothebrinkofmayhem,screamingmeemies,ordivorce! a. Triflesaresomethingsmall,yetmaycausetremendousconflict. b. Theyareusuallythingsoneneverthoughtaboutbeforemarriage. c. Examples:Dogearringpagesofabook,leavinghairsinthesink, squeezingthetoothpastewrong,eatingstyles,sleepinghabits,etc. 1. Onhis25thweddinganniversary,onemancalculatedhehad kickedthesheetslooseabout7,500times,takinghimatleast aminuteeachnight. 2.Therefore,heclaimedtohavewasted125hoursofhislifesince hehadgottenmarriedfightingwithhiswifeoverthesheets! d.Iftherelationshipistroubledalready,thesecanbecomethefocus. Butifitssolid,theyarenotdestructive,justirritating. B.Newtopissues! 1.Whodoesthedomesticchores?(Womenareoftenresentfuliftheymust workfulltime,thenpulladoubleshiftathome,too.) 2.Howdowespendourpreciousandlimitedleisuretime? III.HAPPYvs.UNHAPPYCOUPLES A. Ironically,bothargueaboutthesamethings.Thedifferenceisnotinhowmany argumentsorhowoften,butinhowthepartiesargue. 1. Happycouplesargueasiftheissueisexternaltotherelationship. 2. Unhappycouplesgetpersonalandhitbelowthebeltattackingthe personratherthantheproblem. a. ApplyingtheSevenRulesforFightingFairlyisimportant. b. Followingthemwillpreventharmingtherelationshipas disagreementsareworkedout. B. MuddandHay,twosocialscientists,foundthatevenafteraconflict ortremendoustriflewasfixed,itdidnotsolvetheproblem.. 1. Therealproblemwastherelationshipitself.Othersurfaceissueswerejust symptoms. 2. Seriousrelationshipproblemswererevealed. a. Feelinglonelyandunloved

b. Feelingmisunderstood c. Losingperspective d.Feelingrejectedandunworthy 3. Timewaswastedfocusingonperipheralissuesinsteadofontherelationship. C.Happycouplesareverycarefultonoteventhink,muchlessexpress,thefatal thought:Thismeansyoudontlovemeanymore,somaybeweoughttodivorce. IV.WHATACTUALLYHAPPENSDURINGCONFLICT? A. THREESTAGESofMARITALINTIMACY(WillardHarley:HisNeeds,HerNeeds) 1. Stageone:YoubecomeINTIMATEandfeelclose,soyoutelleachother everything. 2. Stagetwo:Youbegintohavedisagreementswhichisnotbadaslongas youcanresolvetheconflictandrestoreintimacy.Couplesgofromstageone tostagetwoallthetime.Thekey:alwaysreturntostageone. (Pauladmonishes,Letnotthesungodownuponyourwrath.Eph4:26) 3. Stagethree:Youremaininconflictandcannotresolveit.Yousoonfeel frustratedandmisunderstood,sobegintohurteachotherandthe relationship.Emotionalturmoilbecomesthenorm.Eventuallyoneorboth giveup,erectdeadlywallsofdefense,andenterintowithdrawal. B.Thewithdrawaldecision...isaveryseriousone.Itmeansyouhavegivenup.You emotionallydisconnectyourselfinordertocope. 1.Youbecomeemotionallyandspirituallydivorcedfromeachother.Youwake uponedayanddecideyoudonotlovehim/heranymore.Thewoman especiallydreadsphysicalcontactbecauseshecannotgiveofherselfinthis state. 2.Thewallnowkeepsoutthegoodandbad.Eventhoughtful,positive thingsaremeaninglessandnolongerdepositsinyourlovebank untilyoufeelSAFEenoughtoletthewalldown. 3. Warning:WHENTHEOPENSHARINGOFFEELINGSSTOPS, PASSIONDIES! 4.Whenyouhaveromanticlove,youthinkyoucanneverloseit; andwhenyouloseit,youthinkyoucannevergetitback.Bothareuntrue. a. Romanticlovecanberegainedifthepartiesunderstandwhathas happened.Learninghowtoresolveconflictwillletbothofyou feelSAFEenoughtosharefeelingssothewallscancomedown. b. Trustisreestablished.Overtime,theoldfeelingsofintimacyand romancereturn!!

c. Affairs happen when walls (secrets) are created between spouses and windows of intimacy with someone else. d. Commit to full disclosure: If there is nothing important your spouse doesnt know, an affair will almost never happen. Conclusion: A. Stay in stage one (intimacy) and learn how to avoid stage three (withdrawal). You will remain happily married! B. To avoid the wall, learn to resolve conflict constructively. Have the courage to face tough topics to begin with. If a wall is already up, bravely go back and work through the conflict to regain intimacy. C. To feel safe, use the guidelines found in 7 Rules for Fighting Fairly. D. This can prevent a wall from forming and build a strong marriage if practiced from the start. But if one is long-established and bitterness has crept in, then a good counselor is necessary to help you work through it! E. It is painful and a bit scary, but well worth it. After coming through a crisis, couples are often better off and closer than ever before! (Like a broken bone that heals even stronger!) F. When folks tell you its no use for their love is dead, give them HOPE. Remind them that we serve a God who specializes in the resurrection from the dead!