INFJ / INFP

The Protector and the Idealist

An Introverted Relationship
Introverted relationships tend to be quiet, with far more going on under the
surface than would be apparent to an outside observer. Sometimes this surface
breaks and these relationships can explode into furious times of creative
activity or passion, when the true thoughts, feelings and needs of partners can
express in powerful ways. At rare times this can open a schism which can break
a relationship apart, but normally it results in a cathartic re-establishment of
balance and a return to quietness, achieved through a mutual work of creative
adjustment to each partners previously private ideas, emotions or personal
directions. On the whole, introverted relationships tend to be secure and
mutually beneficial where the partners have deep feeling for one another or a
shared interest in outcomes. Because of their natural tendency to keep to
themselves those things which might create friction in their outer life, introverts
of the most diverse character and interests can work well together and easily
form harmonious relationships where a common goal or life direction exists.
INFJ/INFP Relationship Dynamics
This partnership brings feeling and intuition together in both their introverted
and extraverted forms, making the cross functional relationship here
complementary in a way which compensates both the inner and outer
viewpoints of the partners. This doesnt mean these two will always necessarily
agree, or accept each others viewpoint as an alternative to their own. While
they might easily understand where each other is coming from, they have quite
different outlooks and attitudes, and their own different ways of dealing with
real world situations.
Statistically there might be a greater chance of an INFJ/INFP partnership
between females, but considering the small representation of both types in the
population, both male and female, it would be reasonable to expect that if this
rare match occurs at all it could be between partners of either type/gender.
Special gender related considerations are, however, mostly unnecessary for this
relationship. Apart from those normal gender concerns unrelated to type, this
relationship is unlikely to bring out any serious issues related to the sex of the
partners.
Any real differences in this relationship are most likely to arise through the
more conventional judgments of the INFJ conflicting with the strongly personal
and introverted feeling values of the INFP. Although this might not be often,
nor create serious issues, there will be those areas where mutual agreement
upon certain values will be difficult. When any of these disputed values is of
particular importance to one or the other of the partners, this can create the kind
of undercurrent of unease within the relationship which might occasionally
flare into a more serious clash of wills.
The intuitive/feeling balance here creates two quite different approaches to life.
One could say that while both are trying to match their own personal universe
to the world, they approach the problem from opposite directions: the INFJ
trying to find out how they might reflect the world, the INFP trying to find out
how the world might reflect them. The INFJ expresses their intuitions through
feeling connections to the world outside them, while the INFP expresses their
feelings through an intuitive grasp of their immediate environment. Both will
be concerned about how a particular situation, person or object reflects their
inner world, but in quite different ways and there will be many areas in which
something one partner considers essential or of great value will be of no
consequence or perhaps even have a negative value for the other. Such
differences can apply right down to the intimate physical realm of the
relationship.
One interesting difference here is that, while the INFP might appear to adjust or
match their responses to suit the many different personalities they meet and
deal with, perhaps appearing somewhat wishy-washy in their attitudes, they are
in fact often implacably unmoved underneath. It might appear that they are
easily led into odd directions through their endless search for a perfect feeling
connection to the world, but alone in themselves they remain true to what they
are and to the approach that suits them best.
On the other hand, the INFJ often appears to be rock solid in their approach to
life, following strong values and often quite assertive regarding their personal
awareness of what seems to be best, not only for themselves but also for those
around them. But much of this sureness is the result of building a responsive
and workable barrier between their inner world of intuitive imagery and an
outside world which neither sees nor understands what moves within them.
Their solidity rests upon this connection to the world, whilst within there is a
constant and always mutable flow of inner uncertainty which makes them ever
vulnerable, and all too easily moved by the affects and emotions of others.
The shadow side of this relationship rests in the realm of thinking/sensation
and, once again, crosses over between each of the partners. The INFJ is often
plagued by doubts about the appearance of things, sometimes believing odd
notions or living out fantasies, either of a positive or negative nature, which a
clear understanding of the physical truths of the world would immediately put
to rest. They often respond to this uncertainty by carefully ordering their living
and working environment, sometimes with an almost fanatical approach to
ensuring each part of it is just right an attitude which, should they feel
unsure of themselves in a particular social or work space, often carries over to
burden those they live or work with.
What is just right for the INFP however, has very little to do with order or
neatness. Ask anyone who lives with an INFP partner! Should they be plagued
by doubt, it is negative or upside down thinking to which they will become
vulnerable, often taking off in silly or ill considered directions should their
world fall into any kind of disarray. Without a solid foundation which is often
provided by the others in their life the INFP can spend their lives leaping
from one disaster to another, without ever noticing that each leap is the result of
their own loose, short term thinking.
While these two tend to compensate each others shadow issues through the
strengths of their own primary attitudes, for those engaged in an ongoing
working or life partnership, the relationship will maintain a thinking/sensation
shadow of its own. Ordering a life together according to an intuitive feel for
value and what might be made possible can work very well, provided one never
has to deal too closely with bureaucratic structure or finicky details. But lifes
red tape department has a hand in everything, and the INFJ and the INFP are
occasionally going to find themselves blindsided or frustrated by its
requirements, whether it be the demands of government agencies, business
organizations, or just the internal political processes of clubs and social groups.
Making it Work
One important consideration for partners who live together will be for each to
have some space of their own, where they can take time to be alone and to do
the things they need to do for themselves. Another will be that both partners
maintain solid social connections and good working lives outside the
relationship, as the fall into co-dependency and its subsequent bondage to the
mundane minutiae of each others life is a perilously easy trap for those whose
lives lack real extension or fulfillment.
Both should be prepared to open their minds and hearts to each other, for each
in their own way maintains a private, inner space in which they hide many of
their true feelings and thoughts from the world. For instance, the INFP often
maintains some quite strong barriers to the judgments of others, behind which
they defend what they see not only as their right to find their own way in the
world, but also the personal ways in which they associate their feelings to their
environment. The INFJ personality tends to be automatically protective, not
only of those around them, but particularly of their own inner world, which the
reality of daily life so often fails to reflect or even recognize. Between
themselves, however, they have an opportunity to safely share these personal
worlds, as the INFP is nothing if not open to the wonders hidden in others, and
the INFJ so easily appreciates the deeper connections between human feeling
and the world.
The INFJ tends to be close and careful with the connections they make to
others and rarely has more than a small circle of real friends. The INFP on the
other hand is drawn by their many passions and interests into wider
connections, easily befriending many types of people who may have an interest
which matches one of their own.
In a shared household, this could become a problem if their INFJ partner finds
it hard to accept or deal with such others as worthy friends, rather than as
disturbances or threats to the relationship. While the INFJ needs to be aware
that their partners wider friendships are usually based upon particular interests
and rarely from any deep seated need for intimacy, the INFP should understand
that their partner needs to be able to deal one on one with those they would
accept into their world, and that they are unable to do this with those whose
understandings do not match their own.
In a shared working or living space there will be some divergence of attitudes
regarding the living or working environment. The INFJ usually prefers things
neat, organized and free of clutter, although they often gather items of
particular feeling value to fill their personal space. The INFP on the other hand
can be something of a collector, not only of anything that just might do the
job, but being almost immune to disorder, tends to simply work around the
slowly building clutter in their life an attitude that can apply not only to
objects, but also to any logistical problems or living situations that require
attention.
Patience, tolerance and the recognition that their partner needs to be free
wheeling in their approach to life will be the virtues any INFJ will need to have
if they live with an INFP partner. But more importantly, and fortunately, the
naturally protective INFJ attitude toward life will bring to this relationship a
more stable and foresighted balance for their INFP partner, whose choices and
drives can often benefit from INFJ caution and their compensating insights.
Here we offer some suggestions which may enhance the development of this
relationship.
Suggestions for the INFJ
Your partner will always make an intense effort to understand your ideas
and inner world of intuitive imagery, but their responses will be cast in
their own terms and come from a possibly wider and less personal space.
Try not to burden them with the need to understand you at some deeply
personal level they cannot reach. Relate your ideas in ways which reflect
and involve their interests.
For you, Sensation, or the sense of the immediate reality of people and
situations, is always covered over with the feeling toned possibilities
they present. This is why you sometimes misjudge the motives of others,
or attribute feelings to acquaintances of the opposite sex which are often
simply not there. In dealing with your partner, always make the effort to
see how they actually look; see what they are actually doing for often
these things tell a different story to what they report, and sometimes it is
this story we need to understand and deal with. They might seem happy
enough, but their body and actions will tell the real story.
The clinical, logical, step by step approach to situations is not first
strategy, and it is certainly not your partners, who tends to leap from
one thing to the next. To them the steps seem obvious and possibly even
logical, but unless you look with understanding, you will not recognize
the logic, for it is all to do with how things feel. You both tend to chase a
few rainbows, and usually in different directions, but this can lead to
mundane things getting a little out of control. Stop occasionally, take
yourself and your partner in hand and have good look around at
everything that needs your attention, both physically and logistically.
Wouldnt things be easier if you got that sorted out first?
Usually your partner is far more interested in what is and what might be,
rather than concerned about the theoretical how, why or when of things.
They also rarely disclose the deeper reasons that drive them to create or
find the things that satisfy them, often being unconcerned by such
matters or perhaps not fully understanding such things in themselves.
Your own intuition drives you to see the deeper motives and possibilities
in others, but only through comparison with your own inner world. This
can not only lead to cogent insights about your partner, but it can also
lead to ideas about their motives that only appear to be so. Be very
cautious in making judgments about your partner based upon such
insights, until or unless you have fully explored the wide world of their
own experience and life.
In relationship with another, your partner seeks support, involvement,
mutual appreciation and a shared environment in which they feel that
their world is offered as a gift to another. They have a sharing
temperament and for this are sometimes misjudged for taking the care
and efforts of others for granted. The easiest way to spoil their feeling of
relationship is to expect them to be other than they are, to impose limits,
rules or tedious tasks upon them, or to constantly judge their behavior
against any standard other than their own. Keep these things in mind as
you share your world with them, and remember - they need to know the
depths of your feeling.
Suggestions for the INFP
Intuition leads you out into the world, mostly as a way to locate the
possibilities it offers for the discovery or creation of value. It can lead to
great or very small things, all of which nevertheless contain the promise
of inner satisfaction. For your partner however, intuition leads inwards.
Yet to them it would seem more like a doorway to another realm, a
universe of imagination far greater in extent than the world around them.
Only part of what they imagine or see as possible relates directly to the
day to day world, and by far the greater part they keep safely to
themselves. One thing you can do is help them to share this inner reality
without fear, for your values are not the hard blacks and whites of
conventional judgment.
Doing things by the book, or working them carefully out to a plan first is
hardly your scene. You judge each step along the way by how it feels, its
value to yourself in harmony with the larger picture you see of the world.
For this reason you tend to miss or discount the minor details of life,
while at the same time your partner is often too absorbed in what they
see as the importance of the moment to notice just how disorganized or
out of balance life is getting. Stop occasionally, take yourself and your
partner in hand and have good look around at everything that needs your
attention, both physically and logistically. While you hardly concern
yourself with worldly disorganization, you tend to dislike feeling
physically bad and usually deal with it, but your partner can be in serious
need of attention and scarcely concerned by its effect. Make an effort to
manage these basics of life for each other. Together you can keep things
sorted without its becoming a burden.
You tend to see collective values as somewhat arbitrary, as if they were
only there for those who cant see how things ought to be for themselves.
Your partner on the other hand tends to find collective values an
appropriate and satisfactory way to navigate the intuitive path they tread
through life. For this reason they will sometimes find it hard to
understand or access the way a particular situation or object makes you
feel; perhaps also finding themselves unable to share or fully involve
themselves in some of the activities or interests that bring you the most
satisfaction. It is also possible that they might see trouble or difficulty
where you only see paths to completion or wonder. Understand and
remember that these differences are not symptoms of disinterest or
contempt, but real effects of the way you each see things. That which
you both value as worthy and would both pursue together are the things
which truly matter to your relationship.
In relationship with another, your partner needs appreciation, recognition
and the certainty of anothers understanding. Above all, they need
constancy the knowledge that for them, their partner will be the same
person tomorrow as they are today; that beneath the mundane tedium or
troubles of daily life they have a constant and clear channel to your care.
They dont need you to be a rock or a guiding light for their soul, they
just need to feel you are there with them on their journey even at those
times when you are not sure just where you are or where you are headed.
The Key
This relationship needs a strong, focusing intent to keep it together and flowing
into the future. While both partners need to fulfill their own particular and
personal interests, some of their energy should also serve a common goal, and
all the better if it is one which maintains an outward direction for both partners.
The bond between partners of these types can be very strong, but their teamed
qualities and talents can present a fragile and easily damaged face to the often
harsh, unfeeling reality of the world. I suggest they choose a life together in
which a healing intimacy with others creates the way to share their gifts, rather
than some path that only two hardened warriors might easily tread.
Copyright 2011 BSM Consulting. Written by Robert G Heyward