November 2013

Buffalo / Niagara
PO Box 617 Buffalo, NY 14207 716-883-0384 info@pflagbuffalo.org www.pflagbuffalo.org www.facebook.com/pflag.niagara
We meet because we have learned that someone very close to us is Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgendered. We try to help one another deal with this information in a positive manner. Although we do not agree at all times, we try to be understanding. We offer help to those who seek it, but do not force ourselves on others. We strive to maintain anonymity while sharing on a level that is comfortable for all of us. We encourage all to attend meetings for their own benefit as well as that of the group. It is our hope that when each of us reaches a point of understanding and acceptance, we realize that this is when others need us the most.

Monthly Meeting Schedule

Sunday, November 17, 2013 2:304:30 PM Kenilworth United Church of Christ 45 Dalton Drive - Tonawanda, NY 14223 Special guests Jill A Apa and Eric C. Naegely from the law firm of Damon & Morey will discuss the ramifications of the Windsor decision (overturning of DOMA). As always, newcomers will be offered the alternative of meeting privately with a PFLAG parent. The church is located two blocks west of Niagara Falls Boulevard at the corner of Decatur Rd and Dalton Dr. Decatur runs off of Niagara Falls Boulevard about 0.8 miles south of Sheridan Drive and about 0.8 miles north of Kenmore Ave. Our monthly meetings are in the library, which is near the parking lot entrance. The facility is handicap accessible. SAVE THE DATE HOLIDAY PARTY Sunday, December 8, 2013 2:30 pm Brian and Ann Carriers home 127 Wyeth Drive Getzville, NY Our December meeting will be the annual holiday party hosted by board members Brian and Ann Carrier. Kindly RSVP by December 1, 2013 by calling the Helpline at 883-0384.

New Parents Meetings are scheduled as needed at a location convenient to

those involved. These self-help one-on-one meetings deal with the concerns of parents and family members who have recently learned that a loved one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender.
Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, Buffalo/Niagara, is a non-profit, all volunteer, community-based organization not affiliated with any ethnic, religious, economic, or political group. Membership is open to all. PFLAG membership lists are kept confidential and mailings are sent in plain envelopes.

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PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara

Bully screening October 20, 2013 at the Central Library with our new friends from PFLAG Toronto- President Irene Miller and husband Gary (far right).

Op-ed: Alec Mapa Explains The Joys of Being an Adoptive Parent

By Alec Mapa, The Advocate

Happy National Adoption Month! At our home, the month is not a traditional gay holiday time like How-can-I-turn-my underpants-into-a-costume? Halloween or Hi-Mom-and-Dad, this is my roommate Thanksgiving, but its a big gay deal around our house. In November of 2009, during National Adoption Month, our social worker showed my husband and me a picture of a 5-year-old African-American boy in foster care. The boy who would become our son. We had thought long and hard about all the ways we could become parents and decided that adopting through foster care was the best and most desirable option. We briefly considered surrogacy, but everyone in my family is a chemically depressed, tortured genius of some kind. Unleashing that kind of DNA just seemed unnecessarily cruel and expensive. I asked my husband if he wanted to make anyone pregnant. His breezy reply: Nah, Id rather keep trying with you for free. During a fact-finding seminar we learned these grim statistics: At any one given time there are nearly 400,000 kids in foster care. One hundred thousand of them will not be reunited with their parents and are up for adoption. Today. Sixty-five percent of foster kids who age out of the system, emancipate with no place to live. Fifty-one percent are unemployed. Fewer than three percent go to college. Forty percent of people living in homeless shelters are former foster children, and a monstrously disproportionate percentage of our nations prison population is made up of former foster youth. All because some kid, through no fault of their own, had no place to land. During a foster-adopt seminar we heard about an 18-year-old girl, a straight-A student on her way to college and about to age out of the system. She still wanted to be adopted. When asked why, she said, Im going off to college. Dont you think Id still want a family to go home to

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during Thanksgiving or Christmas? Dont you think Id still want someplace where I felt I belonged?

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We completed the required six-week parenting course, our home passed the safety inspection, we got certified in CPR and first aid, and miraculously we passed our FBI background check. I was worried. I mean, its not like Ive robbed a bunch of liquor stores, but I have a past and its colorful. We became certified foster-adopt parents and our social worker told us about Zion. The minute we saw his picture we knew he was our kid. Theres no rational explanation for how we knew. Staring at his picture felt like falling into the future. Cherubic and cheeky, he looked directly into the camera, confident and mischievous. As if he were about to impart a delicious secret we were dying to hear. At 5 years old, a childs chance of being placed drops drastically. These dismal odds also apply to siblings, children of color, and self-identified LGBT youth. None of that occurred to my husband and me when we saw Zions picture. We just knew that this kid, described to us as creative, affectionate, expressive, resilient, and spirited, was ours, and we had to meet him immediately. We agreed to meet him and then, one day, later we were told that we were out of the picture. A relative stepped forward and volunteered to be Zions legal guardian. Thanksgiving sucked that year. Christmas was mournful. In January our social worker presented us with another potential case, which we both turned down. We just didnt feel the same way about this kid that we did about Zion. Our social worker said, Let me check on Zions situation. Ill call you back in 10 minutes. She called back 10 minutes later, breathless, The placement with Zions relative has been a complete disaster. You have to come pick him up tonight at 6." And thats how we became dads. We picked him up, took him home, and nine months later he was legally ours. Three years later, Zion is a class clown who loves sports and science. Hes spoiled by an army of extended family, drag aunties, gay uncles, lesbian aunties, and transgender showgirls. It takes a Village People. Culturally, hes a fascinating jumble of fabulousness. Hes a fearless athlete who likes pretty girls and show tunes. He can swing a bat and do a Carol Channing impersonation. He drives me nuts, but I light up whenever he walks into a room. I just cant believe hes ours. People often remark, Hes so lucky. I know they mean well, but it always feels like a slight against him. The truth is were lucky. Theres nothing I can give my child that compares to all hes given me. Being a parent requires so much kindness, patience, and understanding, and I dont possess any of those qualities. Being a parent is my last chance to become a better person. Fingers crossed. Ill be speaking about foster adoption in Chicago (November 18), Los Angeles (November 20), Kansas City (November 21), New York (December 3), and San Francisco (December 5) this holiday season on behalf of RaiseAChild.US. RaiseAChild.US is a nonprofit organization that

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PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara

believes all children deserve a safe, loving, and permanent home. It educates and encourages LGBT people to build families through fostering and adoption to answer the needs of the 400,000 kids in our nations foster care system. For more information or to RSVP, go to www.raiseachild.us. Hope to see you there! ALEC MAPA is an actor and comedian currently in production for a recurring role on ABCs Switched at Birth. Previously he has had recurring roles on ABCs Desperate Housewives and Ugly Betty as well as guest starring in more than 40 television shows. His one-man show Baby Daddy tells the story of adopting his son from foster care.

Book Review
BY Brian La Bella

Although Halloween is now just a memory, it is never too late for a taste of spine-tingling adventure. Greg Herren's novel for young adults, Lake Thirteen, offers such an adventure. The story revolves around Scotty, a young man from Chicago who is, with some trepidation, about to embark on an annual multi-family vacation the summer before his senior year of high school. We are informed early that, in addition to the typical anticipatory anxiety over colleges and being trapped for a week with one's parents, Scotty is also experiencing angst because he had recently decided to come out to some friends via email and these were the long time pals who were joining him and his parents for a trip to an out-of-the-way lodge in New York State. Why angst? Scotty has received no responses to his self disclosure and does not know what to expect once he sees his friends for the first time. And, to add insult to injury, Scotty is pining over the week-long separation from his new beau. As the story unfolds, it is evident that there are far more menacing matters confronting Scotty than stepping out of the closet and an aching heart. As one would expect, "strange things begin to happen" upon arrival at the vacation spot. Scotty's paranormal activity-obsessed friend Carson's suggestion to visit the local cemetery only fans the supernatural flames that had already ignited. Much of the narrative reflects Scotty's internal voice and experiences, as he and his friends work together to discover some explanation for Scotty's mysterious plight. Quite refreshingly, there are no vampires, werewolves or zombies. This the only spoiler! Lake Thirteen is truly an enjoyable read and captured my attention throughout. I would be remiss to suggest that the structure did not have some shortcomings: character backstories and relationship histories could have been further developed; some of the dialogue among the teens gravitated a bit toward the redundant and the quasi-cluelessness of the parents required some suspension of disbelief. Nonetheless, the charm and fun far outweigh any problem. It was delightful to see a gay identified teen as a central character, written intelligently and three dimensionally, and that same gay character knowing all along he had the full support of his parents. Mr. Herren is a New Orleans based, Lambda Award winning author. In addition to novels for young adults, he has penned a number of adult themed mysteries often centered in his home

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town. Visit Amazon.com for all his titles. As you begin your holiday shopping, keep in mind that Lake Thirteen will make a great stocking stuffer for the LGBTQ youth or ally in your life! Three Beautiful Little Words: The True Meaning of 'Mom, I'm Gay'
By Suzanne Brockman, Huffpost

"Mom, I'm gay." Three little words. But the subtext -- the wondrous, beautiful subtext -- in that one small sentence can fill pages. The main message is: "Mom, I know who I am, and because I know who I am, I won't spend my life crashing around in despair, hurting myself and others, trying to be something that I can never be." And then there's: "Mom, look how brave I am! Because even though you told me that being gay was more than OK, it's still scary to tell you, because I have friends whose parents kicked them out of the house at this exact same news, and please hug me right now!" And: "Mom, not only do I know who I am, but I like myself." (Music to this mother's ears!) But the best subtext of all? "Mom, I love you and trust you to keep loving me unconditionally, the way you've loved me from the moment I was born." All of that is exactly what I heard when my son, Jason, said those three little words when he was 15 years old. The relief I felt at "Mom, I'm gay" came with a rush of pride and love. "I know," I said as I kissed his forehead and gave him that hug we both needed. "I've always known. I love you, and I'm so proud of you." And then, because I wanted to reassure my kid that everything was normal and fine, that nothing in either of our lives had changed in the slightest, I gathered up his laundry from around his hamper and teased him about his crappy aim. I remember talking to my husband, Ed, after the very first time my gaydar pinged, back when Jason was 3 years old. I tiptoed into the conversation. "Would you be OK if... Jason is gay?" The way that Ed blinked at me, and the sheer confusion on his face, are things I will forever remember. "Of course," he said, as if I were insane for asking. "Why wouldn't I be?" And then he smiled. "He's one of a kind." "Jason is Jason," I agreed. And we both laughed, filled with our limitless love for our sweet little boy. Those words became our battle cry through the years that followed: "Let Jason be Jason." We worked hard to raise our son in a home where he always felt safe and free to be himself. And we made sure that Jason lived in a world where being gay is an option.

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PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara

That wasn't hard to do. We added the word "gay" to our vocabulary, and we didn't whisper when we used it. We loudly admired out celebrities and gay rights activists. We encouraged Jason's love of theater, driving him endlessly to rehearsals, where he -- and we -- met a vibrant community that included a creative and eclectic group of LGBT people who -- bonus! -became our friends too. We implemented a no-gay-bashing rule in our home -- and anyone who entered had to comply. The word "gay" would never be used as a pejorative. We encouraged and applauded Jason's individuality. We tried our best to protect him from hatred and ugliness. And most of all, we paid attention. I used to shake my head when I heard about mothers who were shocked -- shocked! -- when their kids came out. I didn't understand how they had missed seeing something so essential when looking at their children. But too many parents see only what they want to see, and that's true whether our kids are gay or straight. But this shocked-that-my-child-is-gay thing is a special kind of not-seeing. It's a socially approved not-seeing. And yet that lack of vision and understanding made sense when I stopped to think about it. If "gay" is not in your vocabulary, if being gay is not an option in your world, then you're far more likely to see your kid as anything but gay. My formerly harsh view of those shocked mothers has softened as I've come to realize that many of them don't live in a community like mine, where being gay is an option. The word probably isn't spoken in their homes -- unless it's used pejoratively. Or maybe it's whispered when talking about someone's uncle, turning being gay into an awful secret instead of the bright and sunny normal that it is in my house, in my neighborhood, in my incredibly awesome, rainbow-filled corner of America. That's changing, more quickly all the time. With the appearance of realistic LGBT characters in TV shows, movies, and books, with celebrities and sports heroes and political leaders coming out, "gay" is finally and consistently -- and matter-of-factly -- showing up in our national vocabulary. We're at the point now where Americans must make a conscious choice to ban "gay" from their vocabularies if they want to live in a confining, restrictive, sadly gray world where being gay is not an option. But whether you grew up with "gay" in your vocabulary, whether you've added it more recently, or you're still resisting that change, I think most people can agree that the grand prize of parenting is having a child who grows up to love and to be loved, and, ultimately, to be happy.

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Today, Jason lives out in Los Angeles, where he works as an actor and a writer. He's still funny, sweet, generous, kind, and impressively talented. He's in a serious relationship with a wonderful man who loves him as much as I do. No doubt about it: My baby is happy -- and that's exactly what I dreamed he would be, back when he was a baby, sleeping in my arms. And I know that his happiness is directly connected to his speaking aloud those three little words: "Mom, I'm gay." I smile whenever I remember the first time he told me that. And I think, "Thank you, Jason. I love you too." Report: 1 million African-Americans identify as LGBT
LGBT News

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PFLAG BUFFALO/NIAGARA 20132014 Board of Directors President: Kristian Rickard Vice-President: Brian La Bella Secretary: Michele A. Perry Treasurer: Brian Carrier Directors: Liz Ball Ann Carrier Julie Christiano John Covert Suzanne Evans Phil Salemi, Jr. Newsletter Staff Editor & Design: Brian La Bella

According to a recent study by the Williams Institute, the number of African-Americans within the LBGTQ community is rising fast. The study estimates that 1,018,700 or 3.7 percent of African-American adults in the USA are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT) and 34 percent of African-American same-sex couples are raising children. Currently, the estimated 84,000 African-American individuals in same-sex couples tend to live in areas where there are higher proportions of AfricanAmericans. For example, a quarter of African-American same-sex couples live in Georgia, New York, North Carolina, and Maryland. The report highlights some key findings, including the fact that 47% of same sex couples with one African-American partner feature another partner of another race, and 58% of AfricanAmerican LGBT couples are female. Another significant finding in the report is that LGBT African-American females and AfricanAmerican females in same-sex couples are three times more likely to report military service than their non-LGBT counterparts. The report used data from the 2010 U.S. Census, a Gallup Data tracking survey, and the 20082010 American Community Survey.

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PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara

Buffalo Gay Mens Chorus presents

Our Favorite Things Friday, December 13, 2013 8pm The Riviera Theatre 67 Webster Street, North Tonawanda 14120 Saturday, December 14, 2013 8pm University Presbyterian Church 3330 Main Street, Buffalo 14214 Sunday, December 15, 2013 3pm Westminster Presbyterian Church 724 Delaware Avenue, Buffalo 14209

Tickets & info: 883-1277 www.buffalogaymenschorus.com

Kay Patterson
Licensed Mental Health Counselor

LIKE www.buffalogaymenschorus.com US ON FACEBOOK

Counseling for Change

5820 Main Street, Suite 203, Williamsville, NY 14221 Phone: (716) 838-1236 Cell: (716) 583-4902

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Your National PFLAG membership is included in your local chapter dues. You will also receive the quarterly PFLAG-Pole Newsletter delivered to your home or by email from the national office. Circle here if you dont want to receive the PFLAG-Pole Newsletter

Make checks payable to PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara and mail to: P.O.Box 617 Buffalo, NY 14207
PFLAG Buffalo/Niagara is a non-profit 501(c)3 and donations are tax-deductible as allowed by law. Please write clearly

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