Left to Love

Jolene B Perry

PROLOGUE
I breathed in the dry, hot summer air that was just part of Provo, Utah. After sitting in my apartment all day, working on my online sewing shop, I needed the breeze and sunshine. In the few short weeks since my brother Jarons wedding and summer vacation, Id made enough money to pay rent and buy food for the whole summer. It felt good. Leigh! Nathan ran around the side of the house toward me in the backyard, his five-year old fists clutched together. Nathan! Wait! Brians voice came from the front steps. I smiled at the sight of him. Wed only been dating a short while, but it was the real thing. Took me a while to know how I felt about Brian, but there was no doubt now how completely in love with him I was. Whats up little man? I asked as Nathan stood in front of me, his hands still clenched tightly. This is for you. His hand opened, showing me my grandmothers wedding ring. I gasped, and my heart raced. The only way he could have that is Oh. Brian stood, out of breath and grinned down at me. This isnt exactly how I planned this. The smile spread across my face and filled my body. Brian kneeled in front of my hammock. Leigh Tressman. I love you. I love you like I never thought Id love anyone. I cant imagine eternity without you. Will you marry me? I sat up to throw my arms around him, but the hammock slipped out from underneath me, and I ended up in Brians lap with his arms around my waist. Yes. Brians cheek touched mine and he kissed me softly. Here. Nathan held the ring out between us. Brian took it from him and held my hand. He blinked a few times, and I saw his lips press

together. My heart ached for him, for me, for us, and the love we had. He slid the ring on my finger. I promise you, Leigh. I will love you forever, no matter what. Forever, no matter what. He put a hand on either side of my face and kissed me again. That moment would be the beginning of our eternity. In our backyard, with Nathan and nothing but joy between us.

ONE
I traced the fine lines of the tree tattoo on Brians shoulder as he slept. The sun tried to break through the heavy curtains of our hotel room, and it reminded me of the day not so long ago when I finally found the courage to ask him about them. Its funny now that Brian used to seem so intimidatinghis broad, tall physique, the markings covering his arms. On paper Brian was a disasterdivorced, ex-wife in jail, a five-year old son (a total perk for me), a recent convert, tattoos, served in the Army and went to war (both good and bad came from those experiences), job at a bar The list was long, but said very little about Brian. He was the kindest, most giving man Id ever been around. After about six weeks of dating, and somewhere around five weeks of engagement, we now had eternity. We were married yesterday. It was the first of thousands of mornings Id get to wake up next to him. He opened his eyes, and reached his hand out to brush a strand of brown hair from my face. Good morning, Husband. I smiled. Good morning, Wife. His dark brown eyes filled with love. Can I just say how completely wonderful this is? And then add that I cant wait to do this in our own house? I lay on my stomach, propping myself up on my elbows. Im sure well get the chance. He reached toward me, pulling our faces together. I could feel the warmth of him radiating toward me. I dont think Ill ever get used to your green eyes. Hmm. I snuggled into him again. I was thinking, I said. About our tripthe thought of almost going home and then getting on a plane andI dont know. It feels like a lot. Could we just drive there? I touched my fingers to his chest. Wed planned to go to Seattle, where Id grown up, but I had another idea.

Sure, but wed still have two tickets hanging out there. We could use them for Nathan to see his mom. It took Brian a whole long day to drive all the way down to Vegas and back for his son, Nathan, to see her. Thats true. I thought maybe we could go to Portland instead of Seattle. I watched him closely to check his reaction. He knew immediately what I wanted. My oldest brother Joseph left home when I was ten. Id written him for years and had never heard back. Hed sent Christmas and birthday cards to Jaron and me, but they never had more than a signature. Id finally gotten a letter a couple of months ago. I didnt know how Joseph would feel about a visit, but there was this sudden urge to make contact, and I didnt want to let it pass. Will it ruin our time together if things dont go the way you want them to? he asked slowly. No. If I can have more of last night, our week together will be perfect. I bit my lower lip. Okay. He leaned in to kiss me. Lets go to Oregon. He tried to pull away, but I didnt let him. I wasnt ready for our first night together to be over. --Rain didnt just fall, it poured. Brian and I had walked the street twice trying to find the address Joseph used on his letter. Wed zipped our raincoats as high as they could go, and I had my hood pulled as far forward as it would reach. The door opened on the building with numbers only one digit off from Josephs address. A young man emerged, pulling his coat up tightly. Excuse me, Im looking for Joseph and Lori Tressman, the building numbers arent making sense. I pushed out a nervous laugh. Joseph? He laughed. Joe and Lori live upstairs here, but Joes probably at work right now. My heart sank. Of course hed be at work. It was Friday. But Loris shop is right on the corner at the end of the second block there. He pointed down the street. Uhokay. Just down the street. My heart started to pound. Thank you, Brian added. He took my hand and started the direction wed been pointed in. Are you okay? he asked. Im shaking. It hit me how real it all was. Trying to find my long lost brother felt so dramatic. We dont have to do this. Right. Wed driven all the way here on our honeymoon. I wasnt going to back down now.

I want to. We walked in silence. I didnt know what I expected. I didnt even know what I wanted. But even if I wasnt about to see Joseph again, I was about to see part of his life. I kind of already had, I was in his neighborhood and walking on a street he probably traveled every day. We stopped outside of Loris shop, where a small red door was surrounded by windows of white and black clothing. I stood, staring. Brians hand touched the top of my back, bringing me to the present. Still okay? I couldnt see Brians face. Our hoods were down too tightly. I reached forward, opened the door, and looked for people, nothing elsethe wife and kids Joseph had told me about. The walls were bright whitelarge black and white photographs scattered to the ceiling. Clothing racks sat widely spaced. I spotted the high grey countertop to the back left and headed straight toward it as I pulled off my coat. I heard a babys laugh, and my eyes shifted to two kids in swings playing in the middle of an open space behind the counter. A boy and a girl. They had to be Josephs kids. My neice Can I help you? I pulled my gaze away from the two children to see a dark haired woman standing at the register. She was shorter than me, built small and athletic. Her hair tousled around her face in messy dark curls, and she wore a pair of black-rimmed glasses, which framed her large eyes and thick lashes. Maybe I started, unsure of what to say. Wow, your eyes are an unbelievable shade of green, the only other person I know with that shade she slowly stopped. I know I looked at her far too intently for someone just stopping by. Im LeighTressman. Her mouth fell open. Wow. She breathed out and then shook her head, staring at me for a moment. Neither of us moved. Im sorry. I dont know what Im thinking. She came around the counter and wrapped her arms around me in a hug. I squeezed her back, and shut my eyes tight to hold back tears. Josephs wife, the one hed told me about. She should have been part of my life for a long time. Im sorry to just show up like this. I touched the corners of my eyes as I stepped back. Brian put his arm around my waist in support. Hes only written me the one time and Yeah. She raised an eyebrow. Thats because hes stubborn and doesnt always know whats best for him. I let out a breath I didnt know I held. It was nice to have some insight into my brothers personality. Im sorry, this is Brian. We just got married.

They shook hands, but Lori kept staring. Oh! Come meet Layla and Jack! I followed her around the counter. They had their moms dark hair. Well, I guess Joseph had dark hair as well. Joseph looked like Dad. Or he had when he was younger. Theyre beautiful. I reached for their tiny hands as I got comfortable on the floor. They were family. Lori, Layla, Jack Hey sweetie! I wrangled myself out of there early today! I heard a mans voice from the front door. Loris eyes caught mine. My brother. My heart both sank and swelled at the same time. Lori stood. I didnt know if my legs would work. Joseph was here. My chest pounded. Brian reached his hand down to help me stand, and I saw my brother for the first time in more than ten years. His hair was curly, so dark, and long enough to look shaggy and come down around his eyes. He had a few days worth of stubble on his face and Moms eyes. All three of us, me, Jaron and Joseph had gotten the same vibrant shade of green. Oh! You have company. He smiled comfortably. I thought I might faint. Brian stood close to me in support but let me stand in front, knowing Id want to make the first move. Joseph froze when his eyes met mine. He knew who I was. It had been somewhere around ten years, but he knew. Id made it. No matter what happened at that point, Id come and seen him. My body was too tense to breathe, but I felt better. I felt better for taking the step. Well he started. Now Im seeing the benefit of email. He took a deep breath in and out. You wouldnt have had my address. Im sorry. I shook my head. I justwanted to say hi. I smiled weakly. He didnt want me here. I couldnt be surprised. I needed to not be surprised. Hi. He nodded once. He stood very still, probably in shock. Lori stared at him, eyes wide and hands tight on her hips, but he wasnt looking at her. His eyes rested on me. Brian slid his arm around my waist and I took my first real breath in since Joseph spoke. Still getting married young in Mormonville, arent they? Joseph said. Brian tensed and started to say something. I put my hand on him so hed remain quiet. Im twenty, Joseph. I go by Joe. He was still frozen in place. Joe, I responded. What do you want, Leigh? His voice came out quiet, he still seemed uncertain, but he hadnt told me to go away.

I dont know. I paused scrambling for something to say. I thought maybe we could talk for a few? Get to know one another? He nodded. Yeah, okay. Lets go for a walk. We could get a coffee or something. He chuckled once under his breath. You can get a hot chocolate. Brian nodded and rubbed his hand up and down my arm a few times. Ill just stay with Lori, if she doesnt mind. Okay. I looked back at Brian as my stranger brother and I walked out of the store.

TWO This way. Joe pointed down the street. So, you came a long way with no warning. I was afraid youd say no, I admitted. Wouldnt it be worse if you came all this way and I didnt want to talk? I shrugged. I invited you to my wedding. I looked up at him. You could have come and then I wouldnt have had to surprise you like this. I tried to smile. He moved in the same long, easy strides as Jaron did. Well, I wouldnt have been allowed in. His eyes kept to the sidewalk in front of us. We walked in silence for a moment. It doesnt matter anyway, I said. No, it matters. He looked thoughtful. His eyebrows pulled together and his lips pushed together. He opened the door of a coffee shop to let me in. Want something? Um Hot chocolate? Coffee bars make great hot chocolate. He looked over at me finally, letting our eyes catch again. Okay, thanks. Wow, Joe, whos the new girl? The guy behind the counter asked. He smiled widely at me. This is my little sister. Josephs voice sounded far away, distracted. I didnt know you had Well, I do. I need a hot chocolate and something with Johnny Daniels. He handed a bill

across the counter. You know we dont serve Yeah, I know. He smiled at his friend. Usual. No problem. Ill bring them to you when Im done. I followed Joe to a small table and sat across from him. The grey outside was darkening fast. I cant believe how grown up you are. He gestured to me, but still looked at me like I was some sort of ghostwary. I had no idea what to say. I sat and stared at someone who was so much a part of me and also so separated. Why did you write me, Leigh? he asked. We were pretty far apart in age. We didnt even know each other that well. Why did you write? Why did you send me and Jaron cards? I asked back. We stared at one another over the table. He wasnt going to offer anything, but he seemed to be thinking. I wanted you to know me, I said. Even though you didnt want to. He shook his head. No, no, it wasnt about me not wanting to know you. There was What? I felt like he had something he wanted to say, or maybe it was something he was trying to avoid. It wasnt just one thing. It was a lot of things. He shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with the direction our conversation had taken. His eyes moved from looking out the window and then back to the counter. But something was a catalyst, I urged. Joes friend set our drinks down before returning to his spot behind the counter. He nodded. I waited. Leigh, you cant un-hear or un-know things, he warned. Okay. I sat in silence. He sat for a moment, looking at me. I wanted to join the Peace Corps instead of serving a mission. I had some friends doing it. It became really important to me. You know Dad, always talk, talk, talking Dad? I shook my head. Hes the quietest person I know. Really? Josephs brows went up. I nodded. Well, anyway, he continued. Dad and I really had it out one night. I didnt see why I

couldnt be a good member of the church and do that too. He didnt understand. But it was more than that. He didnt want to understand. Joseph stopped for a few minutes. He looked out the window and drank a few sips of his coffee. I went to his office to confront him and he was there with some woman. He looked up at me. And I dont mean that in a good way. What? I leaned forward in my chair. Was he implying what I thought he was? No, thats impossible. I shook my head and leaned back. Id admired my parents relationship since I could remember. I loved watching them together. My dads quiet, stable nature helped to balance out my over-nerved mother. I saw him, Leigh. He stared. My heart dropped to the floor. I was mad that he didnt want me to do what I felt was a really good thing because the church said I should something similar, but in a different way, like serving a mission. And then for him to be so blatantly doing something that anyone would find despicable That was the end of it. He took another sip of his drink. And you know, when you do something dramatic like thatjust walking outit seems like a rather huge gesture to get back in touch. I still dont know that I really care to. His mannerisms were far too casual for the conversation. He relaxed back in his chair and took another drink of his coffee. He either really didnt care, or he was a good actor. I didnt know him well enough to tell the difference. My body turned numb from shock. My fingers felt funny. I didnt know what to say or if my legs would work. I didnt know if I was glad Id come or not. Id been worried simply that Joseph wouldnt want to see me. I hadnt realized how much hed been holding on to. How much I suddenly had to think about. I left the next day. I got a job, worked for a while and then joined the Peace Corps. I spent a few years in Bolivia and then ended up here. He took another drink. I couldnt move. Still glad you came? He looked at me wryly. Im glad you didnt send me away. That was at least the truth. I took a sip of my drink just to have something to do. I didnt feel or taste anything. I wouldnt send you away, Leigh. He smiled at me then. I still cant believe how grown up you are. His smile felt real for the first time. I breathed. That happens in ten years. I guess it does. He started to play with the cup in his hands, turning it to the side. So, that must be Brian with you. I nodded. Hes a bit older?

A smile spread as I talked about Brian. Yeah, older than Jaron, which is odd I guess, but hes really, really good for me. Good. He set his cup back on the table. And he has a son. Youve been reading my letters. I have. He took another sip. I took an easy breath in this time. Our conversation felt like it was turning to normal, more comfortable, topics. He has a son named Nathan. Hes with Mom and Dad right now. Because you two just got married. Yep. Id think about Mom and Dad and the mess later. Lori is beautiful, and your two kids Yeah. I look around once in a while and Im like, where did all this come from? but its good. I love her a lot. Shes a great girl. Shes an incredibly talented designer. I could see the love and respect in his face. The clothes are hers, I said in realization. Yep. Shes done designs for some pretty impressive people. She also does work for local spoiled kids. She runs the shop for fun. The twins just hang out with her there all day. It also gives her a place to meet her clients. Having the traffic in our house didnt work. Cool. I hoped that Lori and I would become friendsthat Joseph and I could continue to talk. Id hated our family split the way it had been. How are you? I mean, health wise? His eyebrows pulled together the same way Jarons did when he asked about how I was feeling. Perfect. Good. He nodded. It was scary reading your letters about being sick like that. Well, it was scary being sick like that, I smiled. No one wants to have cancer. That seemed obvious enough. Right. He stood up. Ready to head back? It was like he suddenly realized how personal our conversation had gotten and was ready to be done. I stood up with him. I guess. We started back to Loris shop. Thank you, Joseph. For what? He looked down at me. Id guess I gave you a lot more to think about than you wanted to know. I nodded in agreement. Ill deal with that later. I still wasnt comfortable with him the way I wanted to be, but I felt like we could be. Thanks for talking with me. Im glad I came. We walked back in silence. My brain ran over and over our conversation. He was right. Hed given me a lot to think about. When we stepped back into Loris shop, Brian had Jack in his arms, and they smiled at

one another. And that was something Id never be able to give Brian. The cancer had taken the ability to have kids from me, and the beautiful thing about it was that Brian didnt mind at all. We had Nathan, and when we were ready, wed adopt another. The list of wonderful things about my new husband was long. There you two are. Lori stepped up and pecked Joe on the cheek. Well, I think Brian and I are going to head for home, I said. There wasnt anything more to be said or done between Joseph and me right then. Hopefully Id opened a door. Im so glad you came, Leigh, Lori said. Oh, Brian showed me your website. Youre very talented. I loved that black Victorian dress you designed. It was Brians idea to do a photo showcase of some of my talent, as he put it. Things Id sewn over the past year. My little online shop had kept me in spending money all summer, thanks to Brians computer skills. Well, and my sewing skills. Thank you very much. I looked around her shop. So are you. Thanks. She came and gave me a hug. Dont be a stranger okay? Brian knows how to reach us. Okay. I glanced back at Joseph. Thanks. He stepped toward me and gave me an awkward hug, sort of patting me on the back. I put my arms around him and pulled him close. He was family. Well, you two drive safe. Joseph let go and stepped back. Brian shook his hand. Thank you. And we stepped back out into the rain. We walked up the street without speaking. The rain had slowed only a little. Brian opened my car door, and then climbed in the other side. Do you want to drive to Seattle tonight or wait until tomorrow? I want to go home. Back to Salt Lake. It was the only place I wanted to be. Home? Brian turned toward me, surprised. Yeah, I found my smile then. I want to be in our home together for a few days. Maybe we could hide your car down the street so no one knows were there and we can just be there, doing whatever it is we want to do together Youre making that sound really, really nice. He reached over and squeezed my hand. Do you want to stay somewhere? Or do you want me to just drive us straight through? Can you do that? I asked, worried about his sleep. I can do that. Okay. We sat in silence for what felt like an hour as Brian drove. I stared out the window processing the information Joseph had given me. Why had he said anything? He didnt have to. Maybe he felt bad for being gone for most of my life, maybe he was trying to show it wasnt his fault not realizing that I wasnt blaming anyone. I just wanted a

relationship with my brother. You look thoughtful, Brian finally said. Whats going on? Just thinking about what Joseph and I were talking about. And what was that? he asked. You dont have to answer if you dont want to, he added quickly. He wanted to join the Peace Corps instead of going on a mission. My dad didnt approve. The church says you go on a mission you know? So theres that and my dad had an affair. It hit me again. Not just for him but my mom. How could he do that to Mom? Ive always looked up to their relationship. And now I mean, what am I supposed to do with that? Your parents survived it. You see how they look at one another, even after thirty years. You should look up to them. Everyone makes mistakes, Leigh. I hadnt looked at it that way. I leaned across the middle of the car to rest my head on Brians shoulder. Just because they had one rough spot doesnt mean that the rest of it wasnt great. If they stayed together through that Brian shrugged. It was a long time ago, Leigh. No, I know. It just caught me off guard. I always wanted a relationship like theirs and now I dont. Thats good. I want a relationship like ours. Brian kissed the top of my head. Me too. I felt lighter, just having Brians perspective paired with my own. Are you okay? He asked after a moment. Yeah. Im okay. Im glad we went. Thank you. I know its felt like nothing but driving. I didnt want to be driving any more but I also didnt want to stay a night in a cheap hotel somewhere. I wanted to be at home. At our home. A little, but Im with you, so its okay. I rested my hand on his leg, leaned deeper against his shoulder and closed my eyes.

THREE I woke up thirsty. Brian still slept, in our bed, in our room. I smiled as I felt the warmth and happiness spread through my chest again. I carefully reached over him to grab the glass of water and saw his sketchbook. I was sure it hadnt been there last night. Was I

allowed to just open it? Now that we were married? My curiosity got the best of me, and I carefully lifted it off the table. I pulled the sheets up over my chest and leaned against the wall. I opened the book and the first picture I saw was of me, in my wedding dress. I stood tall underneath one of the large trees next to the St. George Temple. Id remembered posing for this photograph. When I turned the page there was another sketch from our wedding; me standing by the pool in my knee length dress and heels. I couldnt believe that day was only a few days ago. It already felt like a lifetime away. What are you doing? Brians amused voice made me jump. Just looking. My chest caved. I closed the book. Sorry. Dont be sorry. Go ahead. He rolled onto his back, resting his hands behind his head. When did you do these? As crazy as it sounds, Ive had these pictures in my head since our wedding day, and I decided they needed to be on paper. Ive never watched you draw anything before, I realized. Oh. Id like to watch you sometime. I tried to read his reaction. Lie down. He started to sit up. What? Right now? Lie down. He smiled his perfect crooked Brian smile. On your stomach. Rest your head on the pillow. I set his book down and did what I was told. He leaned over and kissed my cheek. Are you trying to distract me from my request? I asked. No, youre distracting me from your request. He picked up his sketchbook and sat back, tilting the page slightly so I could watch. His hand seemed to move without any conscious thought. I watched in amazement as my form began to take shape. First the rumpled sheets and then the curve of my shoulder, my hair, my stomach as it touched our bed and last my face, my eyes It was fascinating. Seeing the whole process felt like magic. Wow. I breathed out as he neared completion. I broke his concentration and he stopped to look at me. I know. Youre beautiful. Before I had time to protest he leaned over toward me and reached his arm around my side, sketching forgotten. --I cant believe our week is over. I frowned as I climbed in the car. Me, either. He leaned over to kiss my cheek.

I caught him on the mouth instead, which prompted him to kiss me again. Have I said how much Im loving being married to you? He pulled away and started up the road. A few times. I stretched my hand out to touch him on the cheek. Ive realized its been way too long since Nathans seen his mom. Since were already going to be in St. George, I thought a quick visit would be in order. Okay. I nodded. Brians ex-wife, Nathans mom, was in jail in Las Vegas and would be for a long while. Probably until Nathan was around 20 or so. Nathan had started to hate to go, but Brian insisted he keep up some kind of relationship with her. Shed gotten involved with some bad people and had smuggled some kind of drugs over the border. I got the impression it was illegal prescription stuff, but I honestly didnt want to know. Id never met her, and wasnt likely to. Im sorry we werent able to take him with us. Brian watched me. To the temple, I mean. I knew what you meant. Its okay. It might still happen, well see. I shrugged to show Brian I was okay with it, but Id by lying if I said I didnt think about it often. It felt heartbreaking to have his dad that way and not him. Brian had begun the process to gain full custody before Amanda was arrested. The neglect Nathan suffered at her hands was nearly incom-prehensible. But since Nathan was then with his dad full time, it seemed silly to press the issue further. What we didnt realize was that it meant Nathan wouldnt be going to the temple with us. I had to adopt Nathan, which meant his mother would have to either sign him over, or Brian would continue along the track of getting her parental rights taken away. We werent sure still what the church would have to say about either scenario. I cant imagine that she has a leg to stand on, Brian continued. I was hoping to talk to your dad about it today. We were only a step away from stripping her parental rights when she was arrested. The court doesnt look favorably on someone leaving their kid home alone for days at a time. Repeatedly. Not a five year old, anyway. Now that shes incarcerated I cant imagine itll be hard. Brian, I dont like the idea of forcing it. It feels like stealing, like kicking someone when theyre down. I wouldnt feel good about going to the temple that way. I figured since the beginning wed have to convince her to sign a few things. Brians hands tightened on the steering wheel. She wont do it. You never know, lets see what my dad has to say, maybe it wont be as hard as were thinking. No matter what, it was likely to be a big drawn out mess that we were going to have to spend some time on our knees over. --After going all the way to Portland from Salt

Lake, the four hours to St. George was nothing. I climbed out of the car and stretched. I felt a pain go through my left side and I breathed out hard, rubbing my stomach. Okay? Brian asked. Yeah, just sitting too long. And then I smiled at him and put my hands on his waist. That and there might be a few things my body isnt used to doing He pulled me into him and held me for a moment. Please behave yourself at your parents house, its embarrassing. Afraid theyll think youre a bad influence? I teased. No. He shook his head. Just that if I had a daughter, I probably wouldnt want to think about her honeymoon. Daddy! Leigh! Nathan came out of the house like a rocket to greet us. Nathan! I got down to his level to give him a proper hug. Once his arms were around me, my heart ached, realizing how much Id missed him. He was his dad in miniature. Same brown hair, same deep eyes. Are you two staying? Mom asked as she walked out onto the drive. Just one night, we have mutual tomorrow night, I said. Were making the teens switch roles. Brian laughed. It had been his idea. The boys were cooking and the girls were working on cars. Did you two have a nice time? She looked at me a little sideways. My cheeks heated up, completely embarrassed at what she might be implying. Yes, Mom. We had a great time. Thanks for keeping Nathan with you. Im sure he had a blast. Well, he wore us old people out, thats for sure. She looked over at Brian. Did you enjoy Seattle? I know how much Leigh misses it. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He didnt know how to answer. Fortunately Dad came out and saved him from the conversation. Actually, I asked if we could just go home. So, we went home. And that was okay? That was perfect. I couldnt help but look back at my new husband talking with Dad. It had been perfect. Tom, Id like a few minutes if you have it to talk about the custody issues with Nathan? Brian said. Then his eyes met mine. Maybe you and Nathan could hang out for a few. Let me show you what I did, Leigh! Nathan ran into the house. Mom followed. I was confused. I wanted to help. My dad had been helping Brian since the beginning of the whole mess, but now that we were married, I should be involved, too. How did Brian not understand this?

He must have understood the look on my face. This isnt your fight, Leigh. Ill just be a few minutes. But were married now, Bri. I want to do things with you, I insisted. He shook his head. Its not your fight. Its me cleaning up my mess. He reached out and briefly touched my arm before following Dad into the house. It felt like a dismissive gesture. I felt left out and more than that, I was surprised. It was the first time that Brian hadnt done everything he could to make me feel a part of his life. I was hurt but didnt want to show it, not in front of Mom. Come on, Leigh! Nathan ran back out and pulled on my hand. I followed him upstairs. This is my very own drawing book, just like Dads! He picked up a spiral sketch notebook that my parents must have bought. Thats great, Nathan. I wondered how Dad and Brian were doing. I sat with Nathan, but couldnt force myself to pay attention. I tried to nod and smile at all the right times as he showed me his drawings. Nathan! You ready to go see your mom? We have to hurry or well miss the visiting time! Brian yelled up the stairs. At least wed have some more time in the car together. Not that we could talk much with Nathan there, but it would be something. I came down the stairs and followed them outside. Well be back before you know it, Leigh. Brian smiled as he gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek. I thought I was going, I whispered. My chest sank, caved. What would you do? He kept us close, our heads together. I dont know. Coming in wouldnt be a good idea, especially because of what I need to talk to her about. Your dad printed off all the paperwork shell need to sign. I really dont like the idea of you sitting in the parking lot of the prison. I want to be with you, I took his hand in mine. Im sorry, Leigh. Well be back in time for bed. I felt our hands slide apart, and it seemed significant. I stood back and watched my two boys drive away. It hurt. They suddenly didnt feel any more like my boys than they had a month ago. I stood in the driveway for a moment not sure what to do with myself. Mom, can I borrow your car? I need to hit the fabric store, I called into the house. Something needed to occupy my brain and pass the time. Sure, hon, she called as she walked back in the house. They keys are in it. My

parents were the only people in the world who always left their keys in their cars, and yelled out about doing it. --I walked through the racks of fabrics hoping that something would jump out at me, but nothing did. Nothing gave me the relief I wanted from my train of thought. I wanted something to grab me and force my brain to start forming it into a project in my head. It didnt happen. I gave up and headed back to my parents. Mom had dinner waiting. We sat by the pool to eat. I had no idea what to say about my week. I didnt want to let on that Id gone to see Joseph, but I didnt want to lie either. Talking about what Brian and I did together was also not the best topic. I really didnt want to talk about the custody issues, and the fact that my new husband had just left me with my parents to visit his ex-wife with their son. I ate, more to ward off questioning looks from Mom than hunger. I helped Mom with dishes, ran upstairs, changed into my swimsuit, and hit the pool. The water smoothed me out, relaxed my muscles and my brain. I lay on my back and allowed my body to go limp. I was probably being too sensitive about Brian and Nathan leaving. So what if Brian wanted to handle things on his own? He was doing it for both of us. It shouldnt be a big deal. But I couldnt help but wonder if our ideas about my relationship with Nathan were the same. I loved that kid, it was such a different kind of love from the love I had for Brian, but it ran just as deep. Id do anything for him. I wanted desperately to be his mom, but he already had one. Brians reluctance to let me talk with him and Dad made me wonder if he really trusted me with Nathan the way I wanted him to. I had to admit that it hurt more because we were so newly married. Part of me expected to get my way with everything, for the first little while anyway. I laughed at myself over that thought. I started to swim, instead of float, back and forth across the pool. I lost track of time, and I lost track of laps. It got dark, but the air was still hot against my exposed skin. Hey there. I heard Brians voice on the side of the pool. Nathans in bed. I stood up, unsure of how to react to him or whether to say anything about how I felt. I took in his face and knew that I didnt want any kind of argument. If he felt like he wanted to handle things, Id just try to support him in it probably. How did it go? His expression immediately changed. That said it all. Not well. She was mad. As soon as I brought it up she pretended like I wasnt there, and she didnt say another word to me. I guess thats better than her pitching a fit in front of Nathan, though theyd have probably taken her away if she had. Sorry. No, Im sorry. Im supposed to be fixing this for us. He ran his hand through his short

hair and stared down at the water. The paperwork is in for me to get sole custody, Leigh. All wed need to do is add your adoption paperwork on top of that. Nathan doesnt want to go there anymore, and I cant blame him. Im not sure what to do about that either. I shook my head. I dont want to take him that way, and its not just your job anymore. He shook his head. He didnt agree. No, this is my mess, I need to fix it. His eyes met mine. Mind if I join you? Not at all. I needed some contact to ease the tension in my chest. Id save this conversation for later, unless I went back to my earlier thought and let him handle it on his own. He stripped off his t-shirt and climbed into the water. I forgot about our disagreement. I love that suit. He smiled as he looked down at me. I wore the two-piece that my mother hated. I loved it wide stripes of white alternating with rainbow colors. He rested his hands on my hips, and we smiled at each other. Never in my whole life did I think that the simple act of someone touching me would bring so much joy. It brings back happy memories for me, he said, and some sad ones as well. Like? Like seeing so much of you and wondering if Id ever be able to touch you like I am now. He pulled me closer and we got lower in the water until it covered our shoulders. Like seeing those scars on you for the first time. He traced the red lines on my stomach with his finger. I looked down through the water. They were the scars that started my year of ovarian cancer, and were a mark of the reminder that I wouldnt get to have my own kids. It made me realize what youd been through, and I remember thinking how unfair it all was. Of all the people in the world to have to go through that, it just didnt seem right. It made my problems with Amanda seem trivial. I suddenly knew what day he was talking about. Nathan had asked me about my scars. Wed been swimming in the pool together when Brian walked out. I remembered seeing the distracted look on his face, which Id assumed was all for Nathan. Knowing some of that concern had been for me, forced my arms more tightly around him. I really dont want your parents to come out here when were touching like this and while were mostly naked in the pool. He kissed me softly. Fine. I smiled and swam away from him. I floated on my back, only about two thirds of my body underwater. I dont think this is going to work for me either. He caught up to me quickly and pulled me into his arms. Well, then I guess its time to go in. I guess it is. He kissed my back as I walked away from him to step out of the pool.

FOUR
We were officially back to business. Honey-moon over. I turned on my website email and was shocked to see an in-basket so full. I had a ton to go through. There were requests for all sorts of sewing related things. There were close to thirty emails asking if I could do wedding dresses. They all assured me that they lived close by and would pay me well. One girl offered me five thousand dollars to do a replica of her grandmothers dress and shed provide the material. I was shocked. How had all of these people heard of me? There were emails asking where my stock had goneId erased all of it two weeks ago in pre-paration for the wedding. There were a few more emails requesting patterns for some of the clothing Id put up, not just the bags that were so much simpler to do a pattern for. There were a few references to the BYU costume department, which explained some of the traffic but not all of it. I realized in that moment that I could do it. I could sew for a living. I thought of Loris beautiful shop filled with things shed created. It could be me. I immediately put up all the items Id taken down two weeks ago. I checked my bank account. There was five hundred dollars from just the few downloadable patterns in the brief two weeks wed been gone. Brian? There was no hiding the excitement in my voice. He walked into our sewing room and office where I sat at the computer. Whats going on? I made five hundred dollars just on the few patterns I have for download in the two weeks my shop was closed! What? Thats great! He sat in the small chair next to me. I also have more wedding dress requests than I could possibly do. You would not believe the amount of money people have offered to pay me! I clicked on another email request. He rested his hand on my thigh and leaned closer. So, what are you going to do? What do you mean? I asked. My eyes glanced his way briefly before continuing down my list of emails. Our semester starts next week. If you really want to do this, will you have time for both?

Wow. I hadnt thought of that. What was I going to do? I had an opportunity to do something I loved and make money doing it. Nathan headed to school next week. Id have his whole school day to sew. Oh, no. As the realization hit, my chest sank. My expression must have been overly dramatic. Brian smiled. What is it? Im the girl, the one I didnt want to be. I looked at him desperately, grabbing his arms. What girl is that? he asked. The one who goes to college, gets married within a year, and quits school. I grasped him more tightly. He laughed. Leigh, you dont have to quit school, and youre not quitting for no reason if thats what you decide to do. Youd be quitting because you have the opportunity to make a successful business on your own terms, that with a little marketing from your husband, will make you as busy as you want to be. He was right. I looked at him and took a deep breath in. Brian, I can really do this. He took my hands in his. You can really do this. Im going to do it. I turned back to the computer, scanning the list of email requests. Brian laughed again. Lets think on it, but Ill support you no matter what you want to do, okay? I threw my arms around him and then had to feel our lips together. Ew, can you two stop doing that? Nathan asked from the doorway. Sorry, Nathan. I know adults can be gross. I smiled at his expression of disgust. Can we eat now? he asked. Is it dinnertime already? Brian nodded. Sorry, buddy. Id completely lost track of time in front of the computer. How about pizza? Brian asked. Yeah! Nathan ran for the door. Our local pizza place took forever to deliver, and we could walk there. It was a little awkward walking home with a large pizza box, but a lot faster. --Brian and I spent a lot of time on our knees over the next couple of days about my business. I sent Lori an email just to get some ideas or confirmation from her. She was obviously in love with what she was doing. I knew I would be too. I spent a few days emailing potential clients for wedding dresses. I had no interest in spending the time sewing a wedding dress I didnt likethey were way too much work for that.

I gave Brian a few patterns for him to do his magic on, so they could be put into the computer. He was busy with his first week of classes, but happily obliged me. Soon I had three more patterns for sale by download. I made two hundred the first day. I realized that wouldnt be normal. It would be the traffic from people whod been sending me email requests for more patterns. But still It was official. I was no longer a student at BYU. I owned a sewing business. --Nathan and Brian left early Saturday morning to see Nathans mom before he started school. I was home alone and heavy with disappointment. Brian would go work at the bar that night, and we had church the next day. I wanted some more one-on-one time with my new husband. I sat on the couch feeling a little depressed and very tired. I closed my eyes to take a short nap. Leigh? Brians voice was quiet in my ear. Youre back already? I sat up slowly, blinking in the light from the lamp above me. Dinnertime, like we planned. He touched the side of my face. Wow. I ran my hands through my hair. I must have slept for a long time. Are you okay? He tried to keep his voice light but his forehead creased together in worry. Mostly leftover concern from watching me way too closely last year. Just tired, I guess. Id been asleep for hourssince just after breakfast. Okay, well Im glad you got some rest then. I got dinner. He stood up and walked into the kitchen. Thanks. I still felt groggy. I must not be getting enough sleep. --I went through Nathans backpack a dozen times to make sure he had everything. He knew where his class was and where to go after he got off the bus. I couldnt keep still. The thought of Nathan being so grown up, and gone all day, made me more melancholy than expected. Brian and I walked with him to the end of the driveway. I gave him another final hug before he pried himself away from me to get on the bus. I took a deep breath to keep away my tears as the door closed. The bus headed down the street. Who was this bus driver anyway? What gave him the qualifications to drive that bus full of kids? I had to trust people to watch over Nathan for the whole day. I wiped a few tears away. Brian put his arm around my shoulders, and squeezed me close. I love you. Hes fine. I promise. Brian kissed my head. You cant promise that. Hes with strangers all day. It felt so weird. Leigh, that kid held his own with whoever Amanda was bringing into the house, and from what I can gather he was left home sometimes for days. Hell survive a few hours of

kindergarten. Great. But how would I do?

FIVE
The bride-to-be knocked on my door at ten AM, as scheduled. Im Leigh Wright. Its nice to meet you. I reached out my hand. Im Amber and this is my mom, Barbara. I shook her hand as well. Lets see what were looking at then. I couldnt wait to get my hands on the old dress shed promised to bring with her. Barbara laid the dress bag with the antique dress across the couch. This was my grandmothers. Id rather not leave it here, if thats okay. She glanced between me and the bag on the couch several times. Itll make my job a little more tricky, but thats fine. I unzipped it and rested the layers of old fabric and thin lace on top of the bag. The dress was temple appropriate, but was probably borderline scandalous for the time, the neck was wide and the front dipped low for a wedding dress in the nineteen teens. I lost myself for a moment, imagining the dress being worn, the snug waist and floating layers drifting toward the ground. So, do you think you can do it? Ambers body tensed with anticipation. I can do it. I nodded. It would be a challenge, but for five thousand dollars, I could afford to take my time. Let me get your measurements so we can get started. Great. She smiled. I wore snug clothing to help you out. Amber build was teeny tiny, even smaller than me. Her hair, nails and skin were perfectly manicured and groomed. Id guess she wasnt a real blond, but paid a lot of money to look like one. I wasnt surprised. Anyone willing to shell out five grand for a dress replica would probably be well-off. Honey, Im going to run a quick errand, mind if I leave you? Barbara was a more grown up version of her daughter. Same blond hair, same neat nails. Sure, Mom. I started with Ambers neck and took measurements in way more places than Id need. It was better to have more than I needed, rather than less. Okay. I said as I stood up, finally finished measuring everywhere I could think of. Dont gain or lose any weight, alright?

She laughed. Ill work on that. Whens the wedding? I asked. Two months. She smiled. I had a backup dress, but Im so happy youll be able to do this instead. I sat down next to the bag of fabric and lace theyd brought to me to make the dress. The original dress was laid out on the couch on the other side of me. I checked back and forth with my measuring tape to make sure that I had enough of everything I needed. So, tell me about the lucky guy, I said as I continued to take stock. She lit up. Oh, hes gorgeous and talented, and Im so excited! Well, good. You should be. I pulled out the lace to take measurements on that. What does he do? He just finished his first film. Well be living in LA. I knew. Even before I asked, I knew. Whats his name? Noah Watson. I laughed. How on earth could that be possible? The odds Whats funny? she asked. Do you know him? You could say that. I realized I probably sounded rude. Im sorry. Noah and I dated for a while. The truth was that Noah was a crazy whirlwind of a relationship that had happened so fast Id almost made the mistake of telling him yes when hed asked me to marry him. His parting words had cut deep. Do you have any idea what youre turning down here, Leigh? Im about to start a career of a lifetime, and I wanted to take you with me. Do you know what a big sacrifice it is for a man to marry someone who will never be able to have children? One day youll see my face somewhere, and youll be sorry Oh. Youre that Leigh. She sat back and folded her arms. Ive come up then? I tried to keep my tone light. Yeah. He said you werent good for him. That he got really off-track when you were together. What? I almost dropped my notebook. He was the one who had sidetracked me, not the other way around. I tried to hide my irritation. Five thousand dollars was a lot of money. Thats what he said. She looked straight at me. She was in love. She wouldnt believe a thing I told her. Besides, looking her up and down, they were probably perfect for one another. I didnt end things well with him, I said. That at least was the truth. I have no problems doing your dress, and itll be up to you if you want to tell him whos doing it or not. She looked thoughtful. Well, it doesnt bother me. Perfect. I stood up, finished with my checking and re-checking. Ill call you in a week

for your first fitting. That fast? She eyes widened, our Noah conversation forgotten. That fast, I answered. Cool. I knew I had her then. I didnt know if shed say anything to Noah or not. I was glad that someone appreciated his qualities. Though, the further I got from that relationship, the more I felt used by it. I didnt feel as bad for telling Noah I couldnt marry him as I once had. --You will never guess whose wedding dress Im doing, I said to Brian as soon as he walked in the door. Somebody famous? He raised his eyebrows. Noahs fianc. Now that the shock had worn off, it was a bit hysterical. Brian stopped, stunned. Why would you do that? Because shes paying me five thousand dollars to do it. Obviously. I tried to tease. But arent you or wont you His forehead got all wrinkly as he watched me. What? Im not going to see him. This is the brides thing. Its not like Im dressing Noah. I wouldnt do that. I shook my head. It just seems weird, thats all. Brian still looked upset. Id expected him to react the way that I had. How could this possibly bother you? I dont know. I feel like that guy almost took you from me and the idea that youre part of his life is just weird Part of his life? Like making a dress for the woman hes going to marry? I couldnt believe Brians reaction. He opened his computer and shrugged without looking at me. You cannot possibly be mad over this. I had cause to be frustrated with him, not the other way around. He sighed. Im not mad. Then what would you call it? I crossed my arms. I just cant believe you would take on the job thats all. He still sounded irritated. No way, Brian. I shook my head. You do not get to be annoyed at me over this. Its my job. Im working really hard not to be mad because I feel like youre shutting me out of the process of me becoming part of the family that you and Nathan already have. I feel like you somehow dont trust me with him or something, or dont want to work with me, and I dont understand why, but Ive been really good about it.

Ive been telling myself over and over that you just want to handle things on your own, and I should just let you. But watching my new husband drive away in a car with his son to visit his ex wife a few minutes after being left out of a meeting with my dad, and a few days after we got married, about killed me! It all came out in a rush. Leigh, I dont even know what to say. Brian looked like he was shutting down in the sense that anything we talked about now wouldnt solve anything. I was just making the point that shutting me out of that process is way worse than me making a dress so Noah can marry someone else! I stood up and walked back to our office to check emails and look over my shop. I heard Nathan come in from school but kept to the office. I came out around dinnertime and started dinner. Brian still sat at his computer, and Nathan colored in the living room. Im sorry, Leigh. About what? I felt annoyed, and I knew it showed in my voice. What do you mean? I mean, are you sorry for overreacting about me sewing a dress, or are you sorry about keeping me from feeling like a part of your family, or both? I couldnt believe that just came out of my mouth. I pulled the marinated stir-fry ingredients out of the fridge. Leigh, youre being completely unfair. His voice was calm but there was something different about his eyes. They looked hard. Id upset him. Then youre not ready to apologize, and neither am I. If I can find something I need to apologize for, that is. I turned to the stove and pulled out a frying pan. Now my jaw had to clench up to keep from crying. I kept my position, facing away from him. Brian let a deep breath out and rubbed his hands over his face. Id admit it, Id taken the low road, but it looked like Id made my point. Fine, Brian said. I turned to face him. He frowned, still unhappy. Im sorry for overreacting about the dress. As for the rest of it? Its my mess. I should be one to deal with it. How could you possibly help where Amanda is involved? Apology accepted for the first and Im still I tried to keep my same aloof attitude, but I couldnt. Anything to do with Nathan affected me too much. I looked over at his small body on the couch, and had to turn back to the stove. I could feel my chin shaking in the beginnings of tears over something I felt completely helpless about. Brian came up behind me and put his arms around my waist. Please, Leigh. I dont want to argue with you. It feels horrible. I sighed. Its just not really fixed, Brian. I still feel left out, and you still want it that way. I wiped my cheeks.

I dont want you to feel left out, he said. I feel like you married a mess, and I want to clean it up a little. That explanation doesnt change how I feel. I wanted to relax into his arms, but I couldnt. He was right. Arguing felt horrible. Im sorry. He wasnt going to change his mind. Amanda would be something that I was left out of. Brian and I cooked in silence. I dished the food onto plates and we ate in front of the TV.

SIX
I pulled out Ambers dress. The main parts were completethe trimmings, buttons and that kind of thing would take a whilebut I felt good about what Id accomplished. I knew Noah well enough to know hed love it. It would appeal to his over-dramatic sensibilities. Im here! Amber knocked on my door as she walked into my living room. Well, lets get you dressed and see where were at. Her eyes went from me, and then over to Josie, one of the young women from church whod shown up to help. Shes my very talented apprentice, I explained. I might be just a wee bit smaller. Amber tried to indicate a small amount with her fingers. I told you not to do that. Taking in a dress with this much detail would not be an easy feat. I know, but Noahs always working out and staying trim. I just want to make sure were even. I nodded. I remembered worrying about the same thing when I was with Noah. Lets get this on you. I held the dress out. She stripped down without a thought and stepped into her gown. The full-length mirror in the living room had been moved to a good spot, alone on the wall, just for this. Oh my gosh. Her hand came to her mouth. If you could see the picture of my greatgrandmother, youd be so thrilled with your work! She turned from side to side, sucking in her already flat stomach and grinning like she should be. Well, even without the picture, Im pretty pleased with myself. The replica was spot on. Hold still. I walked around her, pulling fabric in and pinning where necessary.

Josie, could you start on the hem? Make sure you start after I do, so the bottom is even. Josie just nodded and began her task. Amber had lost less than a half-inch. I wasnt worried about it. Once I got the bodice reasonably fitted, I started helping Josie with the hem. I was lost in concentration when I heard a phone ring. Oh, thats mine! Amber looked at me pleadingly. Go ahead. I gestured for her to move. Josie and I backed out of her way. She snatched her phone up and beamed. Hey, Noah, she said in that disgustingly sweet voice that I suddenly hoped Id never used. Josie and I exchanged a look that said we were both thinking the same thing. Yeah, I have it on now, it looks incredible I know, you were right she does beautiful work. She held the phone out to me. He wants to talk to you. I had to tell him. I stood up and the muscle Id pulled getting out of the car at my parents house took me by surprise. I gasped out once, but hid it well and rubbed my stomach a few times as I took the phone from her. The last time Id seen Noah hed asked me to marry him. I told him I couldnt. Hed been angry and hurt, and had left me stranded in Salt Lake City when he walked out of the restaurant. Hey, Noah. I tried to sound cheery. I didnt want Amber to think there were any problems here. Five thousand dollars in two weeks was pretty awesome. So, Leigh this is kinda crazy. I recognized the edge in his voice. Yep. I stopped. Shes really sweet and beautiful, Im sure you two will be very happy together. Well, it sounds like youre already learning how to suck up to your clients. So, this is how our conversation was going to go. Well, I meant it, I said. Right. Whatever. He paused for a moment and I gave Amber a reassuring smile. She was looking at me with an expectant facelike who wouldnt want to catch up with someone theyd almost married and broken up with? She tells me youre married. Thats right. And that youve dropped out of school. Well I started to say. And youre taking care of the guys kid. Yes My smile stuck in place. It felt like I shouldnt be in this moment. Who is forced to talk with someone like this? Then I realized Noah wouldnt know who I married. Amber and I hadnt talked about me much, just her. She knew about Nathan, but probably didnt even know his name. Noah had never been comfortable with my relationship with Brian. It was the only thing

wed argued about when we were together. Noah had been intimidated by him at the time. And, I guess he had reason to think that something was up between us. Something wasI just hadnt known it. So, youre a college dropout who stays home to take care of someone elses kid because you cant have your own, and youre doing a job you could have done in high school. Wow, Id forgotten how mean he could be, and I lost my breath for a moment. And, if your little business doesnt crash, youll spend your life working for people like me. He laughed once or twice. I had to hold myself together so I wouldnt cry. How had I not seen this side of him when we were together? It only came out at the end, when Id told him no. I wanted to scream at him over the phone, but I couldnt. What, afraid to say something? Afraid youll lose out on your precious money? I gathered strength to speak. I had to do something. Oh, I just realized you dont know who I married. He was silent. You remember Brian, right? The tall, broad guy from next door? Nothing. I remember having to cancel a few dates with you over his son Nathan who I get to have around full time now. Its great and Im so happy that youve also found someone so incredible to share your life with. I smiled up at Amber and heard his phone click on the other end. Okay, yeah it was good to catch up with you too, Noah. I handed the phone back to Amber. Shed heard my end of the conversation. Noah knew shed heard it. He wouldnt be able to complain to her about me a bit. Brian walked in the door, and relief poured over me. Excuse me for a minute. I winked at Amber. My husband needs a proper welcome home. I went straight for Brian, slid my arms around his waist and lay my head on his chest. His arms calmed me the way I knew they would. I love you so much. Wow, well, I love you too. He glanced at Amber. You look stunning. He said to her in his easy, friendly way and she blushed. Riley and I are going to go run, is that okay? I loved that he still called our neighbor, Stuart, by his last namepart of serving in the military together. Fine. Amber and I have some more work to do and I just wanted to say that you were totally right. About what? He looked suspicious.

About a particular job, I whispered. He nodded in partial understanding. We both knew now wasnt the time to sort it out. He touched my cheek briefly and kissed me. I went back to pinning the hem of the dress. Brian came back out in his running wear. Shorts and a sleeveless shirt. He had a great body. Broad. Athletic. Amber stole a few glances, and I smiled. Noah would never look like that. He was half Brians size. I also loved the way Brian movedathletic in a way that wasnt overconfident or cocky. He was a good man. Well, dont make Stuart feel too out of shape. I smiled up from the floor. Riley can handle himself. Brian laughed as he pushed his way out the door. Well, I never thought tattoos could be sexy, but they kind of are, Amber said. Ill agree with you there. I stuck a few pins in my mouth and took another fold of hem. --So she had you talk to your ex boyfriend? Josie asked. Amber had left shortly after Brian; it hadnt taken us long to do our hem. Having an apprentice was going to be pretty nice. Yep. I carefully gathered our mess from the living room. How did that go? Lets just say that I didnt say to him what I wanted to. Oh. She said. I stopped and looked at her, wishing I had taken this advice. Never date anyone without praying about it first. Ever. Even if you think its just for fun. That boy is self-centered, mean and spiteful. I didnt realize it until it was almost too late. Promise. She smiled. I took a deep breath, and got another pain in my lower side. I rubbed both my hands up and down my stomach. Id have to start stretching again or something. Thanks for your help today. I can finish on my own. Okay. She shrugged and headed for the door. I wasnt in the mood t o sew the stupid dress after talking to Noah. Id probably sabotage the whole thing. --So, I have to ask what happened today. Brian put his arm around me on the couch. Nathan was in bed, and every part of me wanted sleep. My body rested heavily against Brian. Oh, Noah wanted to talk to me. I had to play all nice with Amber in the room, but you would not believe what came out of his mouth.

Like what? He tensed up next to me. I dont remember exactly, but it was wicked mean. Like the night I turned him down? The last words I remember hearing from his was how big a sacrifice it would be for someone to marry a girl like me who couldnt have kids. Im sure he was just in shock that someone actually told him no. Thats where your question came from. His face softened. What? I lifted my head off his arm. You asked me that question the night you two split. Oh yeah. I did remember that. Brian rescued me after Id been stranded in downtown. You remember what I said? I felt my face pull into a smile. That it wouldnt be a sacrifice. I could feel the warmth of him spread through my body. He touched my face with his fingertips, and I felt butterflies spread. Because any man who was with you would think himself the luckiest man in the world. Brian put his arms around my back and pulled me closer. No, wait, I said, pushing him away. What? Brian was completely distracted, continuing to kiss down my neck. Theres more. I told him wed gotten married. He didnt know. I didnt do it in the nicest way either. Brain pulled away then, and I smiled. He looked way too pleased. How did that go? He hung up on me. Excellent. He kissed me again, pulling me down on top of him on the couch, Noah forgotten.

SEVEN
Its Monday, we just got Nathan off to school, my class was cancelled, and you dont have class at all. Why dont we go for a short hike or something? Brian asked. Why not? It was still hard for me to want to do anything that didnt involve me being snuggled up to him, but getting out of the house sounded great. Let me run to the bathroom, grab my coat, and Im ready.

We pulled into the parking lot of a nearby trail and got out to stretch. I got a pain in my lower stomach again. Must be the car ride. It was October and cooling off quickly. Give me just a sec, I have to pee. I started to move away. Again? Brian looked incredulous. I stopped and felt the color drain from my face and dread start in my chest. It was connected, all of it. The tiredness, the small pains in my stomach and now this. I knew that list. Id seen it a million times. I didnt have all the symptoms, but it was enough. I thought back frantically as far as I could remember. Tired, sharp pains, frequent No, no, no, this couldnt be happening now, not in the best months of my life. It was the only thought running through my head. I stood there frozen. Brian was at my side in a second. I tried to breathe in, and for a moment thought I wouldnt be able to. What is it? He worked hard to keep his voice even. I sucked in a breath. I didnt see it. I didnt put it together. My body shook. My voice shook. What? he asked. What didnt you see? He put his hands on my arms. Leigh? I knew it. I knew it right then. I knew what the doctor was going to say. I knew what Id have to go through. What Brian was about to have to go through. What Nathan would go through. I choked back a sob at that thought. I looked up at Brian desperately. I didnt want to be sick. I wanted to run away and pretend I didnt have a doctor to go to. I wanted to hide. My chin started to shake, but I had to hold myself together, hold together all the tiny parts of me that were breaking apart. My, um, stomach. I swallowed. And Ive been so tired and now this and I just hadnt put it all together I could feel his arm around my shoulders and we started to walk back to the car. Realization hit Brian. He froze, still facing me. He looked down, nothing but a mask of calm. So we need to call your oncologist. And I really do have to pee. I tried to smile. I walked back to the small restroom. It felt like moving through jell-o. I didnt want to do it again. I couldnt imagine going through it all again. I remembered enduring the stress of my parents, and then my brother, Jaron. Now I would have to watch Brian and Nathan. Having more people connected to me was going to make it harder, not easier. Wave after wave of disbelief and dread washed through me. I walked back to the car in a daze, staring at the dust around my feet. I pulled out my cell when I got inside, afraid to look at Brian. Afraid of what Id see. I didnt have the strength to face his worried look. I wanted to get the call to my doctors office over with first. Dr. Watts office. A perky girls voice answered. This is Leigh Tressman, um, Wright, but Im probably still Tressman to you. Anyway, I need to make an appointment, as soon as you can squeeze me in. My body was starting to find a place of detachment, somewhere I could speak and sound normal.

Hmm Well, youre on our list of squeeze-ins, but he did have a cancellation tomorrow morning, and would be able to have a little more time with you. Tomorrow morning would be great. I stared at the grey dash of the car, trying not to believe my situation. Well see you at ten. I could picture her smiling and happily putting my name into the empty time slot in her computer. I wanted to slam the phone. I looked over at Brian, sitting in the drivers seat. The air was heavy. He put a hand on either side of my face. I love you, Leigh. He leaned forward and kissed me softly. I love you, too. I kept my eyes closed as he pulled away. So, tomorrow? I nodded. He leaned back in his seat, and started the car. I looked out the window. I didnt want this stupid body. I didnt want to be sick. We were back on a main road. I could see a sign for Crown Burger up ahead. Hey, Bri? I sat up, feeling lighter than I thought possible. Yeah. Im not really sick or anything until we go in tomorrow, I started. Are you that sure? I nodded. My discomfort had been going on for a while, but Id dismissed it as simply being stiff, newly married... I realized how often Id taken short naps in the afternoon and how many weeks Id slept for hours more than necessary at night. There had been a lot of symptoms. I should have figured it out right away. I tried to lighten my voice. I was just thinking, I have this afternoon and tonight where I can pretend I dont know, and we can pick up something to eat and hang out and no one will be sick, no one will be sad and tonight everything is still perfect. I hoped wed be able to do it. That wed be able to pull it off. In that moment it felt like my sanity depended on it. He barely caught the entrance to pick up lunch. Sounds like a great idea. His smile looked forced. He was trying too hard. So was I. But I needed this. I needed another night of normal. We stopped in the drive-through. Brian leaned over and carefully put his hands on my face. We sat and stared at one another, I took in his warm, brown eyes, the concern on the edges. He kissed me and pulled away, keeping his eyes on mine. He turned away from me quickly, and looked out the window, holding his chin with his hand. I worried that my idea for our evening wouldnt work, but when he turned back around he smiled easily at me sending me a messagehed do his best. --I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and rolled over to snuggle back up with my husband. He was gone. I sighed. He must be in the bathroom. I waited restlessly for him to return, and then wished Id checked the clock when I first rolled over. Hed been gone

forever. My sense of time in the middle of the night was way off. I rolled off the edge of our bed, and walked into the hallway. The bathroom was empty. Strange. I slowly walked into the living room. Brian sat on the far end of the couch in the dark, his head in his hands. I could see his body shake in the dim light. My heart broke a little right then. Already I was hurting him. It hadnt even begun, not yet. It startled him when I kneeled down, and he sat back. Im so sorry, Brian. I felt a hot tear slide down my face. I didnt want to be the one responsible for this. He shook his head. Please dont say that, Leigh. He took my face in his hands gently. I love you like like I never thought Id love anyone. I started to get up, but he put his arms around and underneath me to pull me onto his lap from the floor and held me tightly. I would do anything. I mean anything to take this from you, and I cant. He took another breath in. I feel so helpless. I would do anything to take this from you too, I said. You have to know Id rather do it myself than watch you do it. I saw another tear escape, and slide down his cheek. Guilt washed over me, and I felt helpless too. I put a hand on either side of his neck, and rested my forehead on his. My tears formed small streams on either cheek. I dont want to break you apart like this. We sat close together, neither of us speaking. His breathing become more even, and his body more relaxed. Youre not breaking me apart, Leigh, he whispered. This is just something I cant fix, and I dont know what to do with that. I didnt either.

EIGHT
I didnt like the expression on Dr. Watts face as he watched the ultrasound screen. I was right. I didnt see the pictures from the last time, but from the description this looks about the same maybe a little worse. I can see a definite growth here. He pointed to the black and white blobs on the screen. And it looks like its spread this direction. We wont know if its cancer or not until we send samples to the lab. He looked over at me and then up at Brian. Brian stood very still. My recommendation, Leigh, is that we do surgery as soon as possible so we can get you started on your

treatments. He talked like he didnt know, like we needed to check, but he knew. Just like me. Dont even try to make it sound like Im going to a spa, I said. Ive been there before. He smiled thinly and nodded. I wont know for sure what were looking at until we get in there, but youre obviously going to lose your ovary and tube on that side, not that theyre doing you any good. Well look around carefully, measure fluid, that kind of thing. I can say with about eighty percent confidence that weve caught it at stage two again, that means not a lot of fun for you, but great as far as survival rates go. Brian couldnt hide his reaction from those words. Survival rates. It had scared me to death the first time around. I knew what to expect now. I squeezed Brians hand and he looked down at me with what he thought was a reassuring smile. So . . . um . . . Brians voice shook. I cant give you any numbers or anything until weve gone in, and I hear back from the lab. This is the part that all the husbands want. He patted Brian once on the shoulder before turning his attention back to me. So, Leigh, I need you to eat all healthy stuff, drink tons of water and get some good rest. Im going to call the hospital so we can get this started, okay? I nodded. The lump in my throat kept me from speaking. Dont worry. Dr. Watts smiled at Brian as he stood. Shes a tough girl. Im going to make a few calls. Ill be right back. He smiled again and left the room. My marriage with Brian seemed so new. Fragile wasnt the right word, it just seemed like too much in our first few months together. I wasnt ready for the first part of our marriage to be over. Brian took a deep breath. You must be ready to get out of here. Yeah. I sighed. But Im not ready to call Mom. I knew Id hear her heart break over the phone. I didnt want to do it. Dr. Watts stepped back in. That was fast, I said. That wasnt good. When doctors were quick, it was never good. Brian, can you excuse us for a minute? he asked. No, no, he can stay. I shook my head. Nope, sorry Brian, just for a minute, he insisted. No problem. Brian squeezed my hand before leaving the room. I didnt like Brian being dismissed like that. What I started to say not even trying to hide my irritation. Leigh. Dr. Watts held my gaze in his. Brian will not know either way, I will tell him its office policy. Do you want him to know everything I tell you? Of course. I didnt even have to think about that. Brian needed to know, probably more

than me. I had a habit of blocking things out. This means I talk to him about treatments, severity, what you need to do. And I know you well enough that you dont like to hear it. A corner of his mouth pulled up a little. Hed dealt with me well my freshman year of school when I wanted nothing to do with him or guidelineseven when my recovery depended on it. Its okay. Brians it, you know? I wrapped my arms around my middle, like my arms on my sides would help me be more in this momentnot that I was sure I wanted to be in the moment. Okay. Good. He stood up and opened the door. Were ready for you, Brian. Thanks. Brian walked back in, his eyes on me, wary, afraid. I think we can do you Thursday. Like in two days Thursday? I asked. Like in two days Thursday. Doesnt it take way longer than that just to get approval for insurance and stuff? Your parents set up a cash account with your doctor in St. George. The information was transferred with your medical records when you moved up here. The purpose was to not delay treatment if it was necessary, and weve been checking you so this came in pretty fast. Um okay. I hadnt known you could do something like that. Id definitely have to call Mom. Theyd already promised to keep paying for my health insurance while Brian or I was in school. It felt like a lot, but there was no way we could do it on our own. You need to check in at six in the morning. Ill try to get to you first. He exhaled. Im sure youll want to be back home as soon as you can. You are correct. But then I though about Brian and Nathan and all that would need to be done for me. I looked over at Brian. But Your mom will come up. Dont worry about anything. Brian put his warm hand on my shoulder. Okay, well, Leigh, well see you Thursday morning. He reached out and shook both our hands before leaving the room. I wanted all of this to disappear. To not happen. To not be happening. I slumped back, and closed my eyes while Brian gathered our things. Leigh. I felt his hand softly touch my leg as I laid on the table. The first tears escaped through closed lids. He sat on the edge of the table, reached his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. Things would be okay if I could just keep this. Brians arms and the way they made the world disappear. ---

He sent you out to ask if I wanted you to know everything, I said when we were driving home. Id curled into a ball in the passengers seat. Oh. I told him yes. I just wanted you to know. Thank you, Leigh. He squeezed my hand. I think we were both numb from shock. We didnt talk after that. Sometimes theres so much to say that no one knows how to start. He was thinking about me I could tell because once in a while hed squeeze my hand or let go of me for a moment to touch my shoulder or my face. I was partially in shock, and partially dreading what I knew was coming. When we pulled into the driveway, I took out my phone and dialed Mom. Hey Leigh! I heard her happy voice on the other end. Its nice to hear from you. Yeah. Hey, Mom. I paused and there was silence on the other end. Shed known me for too many years to not understand the tone of my voice. I was at my doctors today. Hes doing surgery this Thursday. I heard a small noise at the other end and silence. That was the sound I knew was comingthe sound of my moms heart breaking again. She took a long, deep breath. She had a lot to process in a few moments. Things werent the same. I was married. We lived in different places. And her daughter had cancer, again. I heard another deep breath and then her voice sounded surprisingly normal. You know I need something to do, Leigh. How can I help? Id love it if youd come up. Nathans in school, but Ill be in the hospital for a couple of days and we have to be there before he gets up on Thursday morning. Id love to come and stay with Nathan. Ill drive up tomorrow, okay? Thanks, Mom. I paused. Im sorry. Im sorry youll have to do this again with me. Im sorry you have a sick daughter. Im sorry this whole situation feels completely out of control. No, Im sorry that you... but she didnt know how to finish. Brian is a good man. Hell take good care of you, Leigh. Yeah. I looked over at him in the drivers seat. We hadnt moved from the car. Love you, Mom. Love you. I didnt want to get out. Like if I walked inside our little home and our happy life with an actual quasi-diagnosis, it would become real. It would become a part of our lives. Like a black trail would follow me, and taint the happy world around us. Im calling your brother. Brian broke the spell and climbed out. What for? I knew Id have to tell him sooner or later, but I was hoping for later.

I think you should have a blessing. He came around to my side and led me into the house. He was right. Okay. Call Jaron. I sat down, and Brian walked back to the porch. He walked inside in less than a minute. He sat down and held me close. I had nothing to say. My last round of treatments had finished up a year and a half ago. With all of the praying Id done during that time, when they couldnt see any more signs of cancer, I knew Id been cured. I knew it was over. I knew it was something Id never have to worry about again. Id felt it. I didnt understand. As the thought sunk in, part of me felt betrayed. Whats up? Jaron asked as he came through the door. It took him less than a second to process the mood in the room. Whats going on? He asked more quietly. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. Brian took over. We just came from Leighs doctor. Theyre doing surgery on Thursday. This Thursday? Jarons voice was still quiet. So, its bad? Brian sucked in a breath. We dont have numbers. Not yet. But shes strong. Shell be okay. I wondered if Brian was trying to convince himself or me. Im sorry, Leigh. Jarons eyes didnt leave mine. What can I do? I need your help to give her a blessing, Brian answered. You ready? Jaron asked. No, for none of it, I answered honestly. I felt shaken, all through. Perfect. Jaron smiled, trying to dispel the tension. I guess were ready to begin. He rubbed his hands together as if in anticipation. I sat and watched them prepare as I remembered my father preparing when I was growing up. The routine felt good. Jaron pulled out his oil and Brian got a chair from the dining table. Everyone was quiet. The boys were preparing to receive revelation and I was preparing to internalize whatever Heavenly Father had to say to me. I got up and took my place in the chair. Jaron and Brian stood behind me. Something passed between them, and I felt the weight of their hands on my head. I heard my brother speak the words Id heard so many times through my life. Then it was Brians turn. He paused for a long time. I could hear him breathing slowlypausing to make sure he said what needed to be said. When he spoke his voice was soft and strong. Leigh. You are so loved. You have to know how loved, it will be crucial to have your willingness to do what needs to be done over the next months. Dont be afraid to lean on those around you, use those that will be used. Have trust in your Father in Heaven who is so mindful of you and so proud of the decisions youve made in your life. Trust your doctors and the people who will dedicate their time to helping you to get better. There is a place for you Brians voice broke, in Heavenly Fathers kingdom

and theres a place for you on earth. Know these things, know your strength Brian stopped for a moment. He was waiting for something else, or wishing. He finally let out the last of his air, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. His hands went from my head to my shoulders. He still stood behind me. I could see Jaron move slightly and put his arm around Brian. You did good, Bri. He patted him on the back. Im going to leave you two. You know where to find me. Ill meet Nathan at the bus, and you can come get him at bedtime. He leaned down, kissed me on the head, and walked out the door. It was too much, everything piled on top of me, what Id be facing, what Brian would have to go through. I had no idea how to protect Nathan. I felt the first sob hit me, and I knew I wouldnt be able to stop them from coming. Oh, Leigh. Brian kneeled at my side. What can I do? I brought a hand to my mouth. There werent words. My body shook in another sob, and that was the last of my self-control. Brians strong arms slid around me. He carried my shaking body to the couch where he sat, keeping me on his lap. My face pressed into him and I cried. I thought back to being skinny, unable to eat, throwing up for days at a time. I remembered not being able to sleep even though my body was completely ex-hausted. My hair had started to fall out almost immediately. The endless medications, needles, side effects What would be left of me to love? I shook on Brians lap, his arms cradling me to his chest, until I drifted off to sleep. --My body shifted, and I opened my eyes. Sorry, Brian whispered. I wanted to get us something to eat. His eyes were red and swollen from crying. I felt a hard stab of guilt. I knew in that moment Id have to do better. Id have to make sure Brian never saw me lose it like that again. He already had too much to deal with. Im sorry. I leaned my head back onto the couch. Dont be sorry, Leigh. Never be sorry. We have each other. We can do this. His hand traced the side of my face. We did have each other, and I felt determined not to let him down again. Id have to be stronger. Tougher. Brian depended on me.

NINE
I woke up in the familiar smell of hospital. Brians hands ran gently through my hair and then down my shoulder. Hey there, he smiled. My hand rested in his. Hey. I felt like I knew I would. Wooden, dried out, stiff and heavy. Dr. Watts said hell be here in a few minutes. Have you already talked to him? I mumbled in a scratchy voice. No, I just got a heads up from the nurse. I closed my eyes again. How do you feel? Dont know yet. I tried to smile. Relax, Leigh. He leaned over and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes again just in time to hear a knock on the door. Come on in, Brian answered. Dr. Watts walked in. How are we? Dont know yet, I answered. Well, thats a good thing. He sat down on a stool, taking one long breath in and slowly letting it out. I dont like treating patients I like as well as you, Leigh. My stomach sank, how bad was it? Sorry. He pursed his lips. I didnt mean to scare you. He paused for a moment. It looks about the same as last time. Why did they let you keep that other ovary? I wanted kids. But the chemo usually ruins that anyway. I wanted the chance. I remembered the feeling of hope when I insisted they leave the healthy one there. Well, I wouldnt have let you take the chance. He sighed again. So, we took out your ovary, there was cancer there. Id guess thats where it started. There was some on the fallopian tube. We took that out, too. Anything that looked the least bit suspicious, I took. Were getting the fluid in that part of your body checked right now, so we should have those results back shortly. I put a rush on everything. Im sticking with what I said originally. The same as last time. Maybe a little worse. I wont know anything for sure until I get some lab numbers. He clasped his hands in front of him. Naturally my biggest concern here is that the cancer came back, and fairly quickly. This to me says one of two things. First, that your ovaries were just genetically programmed to

grow cancer or second, they didnt get all of it the first time around or the chemo left some cells dormant for a while, which then began to grow. He eyes shifted between us. I know chemo isnt a lot of fun, but Im going to put you on a bit more rigorous program than last time. The thought of losing all my hair and being that sick for that long felt unbearable. Brians jaw clenched. I had to find my game face and put it on. If I could jump into this and be brave, it would be easier for him. It would be easier for my parents and Nathan and Jaron and everyone. The frequency will be the same, every two weeks, but it will be for longer periods of time, meaning a higher dose. Well go ahead and check you into the hospital at least for the first two, but Id like to see you in here for all of them. We already know your body doesnt react well. Well gauge how your body reacts and then you might be able to do like you did last time where you come in and sit in a chair for a couple of hours and go home. I believe your program was six months last time. Well try to keep it to six months this time but Im not going to promise you that until I see the numbers from the lab. We okay? Peachy. Like bricks are on my chest, crushing me. And I know you know what to expect Leigh I cut him off. Yep. I come in and somebody sticks a needle in my arm so they can give me enough poison to kill the cancer without killing me. I feel a little crappy right away, I go home and just when I think that it might not be that bad, it hits me like a wall and the next two days are horrible. I throw up and feel like Im going to pass out. Im tired and cant sleep. Once I start to feel like a somewhat normal version of myself, I get to come in for another treatment. When they first start, I might have a week where I feel pretty good but by the end Ill pretty much feel terrible all the time. I tried to smile. You got it. Dr. Watts took one of my hands. Youre tough, Leigh. I really, really believe youre going to be fine. Survival rates for this are good. Really good. The next year is just going to suck a little bit. I nodded. WhatI mean, how bad was it? Is it? Brian sounded as if he was choking on the words. Dr. Watts put on his professional voice, and I tuned out as numbers flew back and forth between them. Seventy-percent here, fifty percent there. Genetics, testing, particular cancers. I didnt listen, because I didnt want to know. The room fell silent, and when I turned they both stared. What? My eyes went from Brian to Dr. Watts. Let me give you two a minute. Brian got up and walked out of the room. I ached for him.

How much worse would this be if it were him in this bed instead of me? I couldnt go there. Leigh? Dr. Watts said. His voice was quieter now. Yeah? I turned back toward him after watching Brian leave. Last thing. He looked at me intently again. Most women would do anything to have a man look at them the way that man looks at you. You make him a part of this. Make him feel like hes doing something for you, but when it comes to how you feel? You do what you can do. No protecting the people around you and pretending to be tougher than you feel. Okay? Okay. Yeah. Right. I will come by for your first treatment. Someone from the office will call you when they get a schedule. Thanks, doc. He nodded and walked out. My door didnt close behind him. Brian? Dr. Watts voice. Silence. Shes done it before. Shes really healthy right now. Percentages are scary. I get it. But you have a wide margin here. Sixty to seventy is good. And I could be wrong, okay? She shouldnt have to I know. There was a pause then Dr. Watts voice again. I havent been doing this forever, but I have been doing it long enough to know a couple of things. First, someone like Leigh is going to try to make this easier on you. Youll have to get really good at reading her. Second, at some point, especially since this is time number two, shes going to try to push you away. She needs you. She needs to have plans for after treatments are done. She needs to feel like you and everyone knows shell be okay. I would say that keeping her from any kind of sickness or infection is the biggest deal. I want to do more, I just want You want to make it go away. A short pause. You dont get to do that. Dont waste your time with it, Brian. Youre going to have to get good at taking care of her without hovering over her, unless she asks to be hovered over. Call me. Anytime. Thanks. And then I heard the doctors footsteps fade into the busy hallway. When Brian walked back in, his smile looked slightly more genuine. I got word from your nurse. Your vitals look good which means well probably be back home tomorrow night. Great. I smiled. Maybe you could call my mom? Tell her whats going on. See how shes doing with Nathan? My insides were suddenly shaking apart. Dr. Watts words, paired with Brians need to leave my room, and again the knowledge of what I was about to go through, all hit me.

Okay. Ill be back in a few. His eyebrows pulled together. I didnt know if it was awkward for him, or if he was afraid to leave me. Either way, I needed to be alone. He walked out and I turned my head on my pillow and let the tears flow. I probably had five minutes to myself before Brian got back. None of this was fair to him. None of it. I wiped the last of my tears just before Brian stepped back into the room. Nathans okay. Your moms fine. I think its making her crazy to be there instead of here, but I kept telling her how happy it made you to know that Nathan was with his Grandma. I think she really liked that. Youre a good man, Bri. He wasnt just taking care of mehe was taking care of my mom and Nathan, too. How much more would be have to shoulder?

He came over and took my hand. I love you, Leigh. I love you. I wanted to make up for my rant about chemo treatments from a few minutes ago. You know whats good about all of this? What? He cocked his head to the side and looked at me carefully. Neither of us cares that I did a dress for Noahs bride, even though you were right about that one. I smiled. And I dont care that I feel left out of the argument between you and Amanda. And who knows, maybe youll prove me wrong in the end on that one. Maybe I will. I sighed. Im tired. Go to sleep. He leaned over and kissed my cheek. Ill be here when you wake up. Hed be here. Brian would be here. The thought felt good. I slowly drifted back off.

TEN
I got to go home Friday night as promised. With all the painkillers theyd gotten for me, I actually didnt feel as bad as I expected. It felt good to give my mom a hug and give her that reassurance. Nathan gave me the most gentle hug. He must have gotten a lecture from my mom, Brian, or both. Can I walk you to our room? Brian smiled down at me. He was already half holding me up. Do I have a choice? I asked. Im trying to make it feel like you have one. Does that count? That was really sweet. It does count and Id love for you to walk me to our room. Can I see your new scars? Nathan asked from behind us in the hallway. Theyre not scars yet, I explained. They still have big band aids on them. Oh. He frowned in disappointment. Brian lowered my body slowly onto our bed. Nathan. I promise that as soon as the band aids come off, you can see them, okay? Nathan felt like the brightest spot I had in that moment. So simple, he just wanted to check out the new scars. I wanted to pull him into bed with me, to wrap my arms tightly around him, and feel him fall asleep.

Grandma Lila said that I have to be really careful around you for a while. Yep. They had to take out more broken parts and it just hurts a little for a few days. I didnt want to cheat him out of an answer, but some things were going to be hard to hide. Do I have broken parts? he asked. He grabbed his stomach, his brow furrowed in concentration. Nope. I pinched his chest. Nothings broken in Nathan. I tickled his tummy until he laughed. That was the end of my strength. I let my hand drop. Nathan, Im taking a lot of medicine right now, and it makes me sleepy. Im going to go to sleep, okay? Goodnight, Leigh. He leaned forward and gave me a kiss. Goodnight, Nathan. I waved at him as he ran to his room. Brian sat on the edge of the bed. It feels so nice to be home. I breathed in smelling our house and our room and felt nothing but comfort. Do you want to be in here by yourself? Will I hurt you or keep you awake? No. I need you here. I reached up and touched his neck with my hand. He took my hand in his and brought my palm to his mouth to give me a kiss. Maybe we could share a snack and then you can take something to make sure you dont wake up uncomfortable in the middle of the night? Okay. He was trying to make it sound like I had choices again. He came back a few minutes later followed by Mom with cereal and fruit. He helped me half sit in a position where I felt comfortable and could eat. Thanks mom, for taking care of Nathan. I looked up. Grandma Lila, huh? She smiled. It was his idea and I have to admit that I love it. Hes such a good kid. I know. Id missed him. If either of you needs anything tonight, dont hesitate to ask, okay? Thanks, Lila, Brian said. Honestly the best thing you can do is to get a good nights sleep. Nathan doesnt have school tomorrow. Jaron and Megan want to take him up north to the zoo. Perfect. Thanks, Mom. She leaned over to give me a hug. It must be weird for her. Shed been the one to take care of me last time. Now I had Brian. Life really did change so much when you got married. I wanted Brian here. I wanted him next to me. Im starting to feel foggy again. I smiled apologetically. Lets lay down. He carefully helped me get comfortable. It took a few readjustments

and about five pillows. Brian moved me easily. He was so strong. I forgot sometimes how strong he was. We lay down in our own bed facing one another. You amaze me, Leigh. You will always amaze me. He touched the edges of my hair with his fingers. You amaze me too, Brian. I took his hand in mine. Im proud of you, and Im even more proud to be your wife. Thank you. He leaned forward to kiss me. I reached out to hold him next to me and to make sure he gave me the proper kind of kiss before leaning back. He chuckled at me as he pulled away. I cant believe you even want to kiss me like that. I smiled back. And then I closed my eyes and drifted off under the heavy weight of whatever medicine Id just taken. --I have a surprise for you. Brian came and sat next to me on our bed. A week after surgery, and there was only a small amount of soreness left. Quick recoveries werent like me, but I was grateful anyway. Is that so? I shifted toward him and rested my nose on his cheek. Come on outside. He stood and held out his hand for me to take. Its remarkably warm for being October. Okay. What on earth could Brian be surprising me with? I followed him, sliding my hand into his. He opened the front and gestured for me to walk through. I stopped as soon as I set foot on the large front porch. There was an enormous green fabric hammock, easily big enough for two people, hanging between the front porch post and the house. This is amazing. I loved the one in the backyard, but the backyard had been taken over by the juvenile group of college girls who lived in the basement. For you, for days when you feel like being outside. This is what all the banging was this morning? I looked over my shoulder at him. Yeah. Theres enough room out here for it, and I thought it would be fun. He was nicely saying that hed made me a place outside for the days when I felt terrible, but needed out of the house. Thank you. I turned, leaned into him and loved his arms sliding around me. Brother Wright! One of the young men interrupted us on the porch. Hey, what are you guys up to? I pulled my head off Brians chest to see all the young men and women standing in our

front yard. Were here to help. We brought bags for the leaves and the girls are headed inside to do whatever needs to be done. Brian looked down at me. Why dont we get you in your hammock so youre not tempted to try and join in. I opened my mouth to answer, but Brian scooped me off my feet and set me carefully in the center of the hammock. Ill be right down guys. Leighs mom scoured the already clean house so you girls can make sure Leigh doesnt move. He chuckled at me as he stepped down the stairs. Brian and the boys cleared the whole yard of leaves and smoothed and raked the gravel driveway for the students who now used it. The girls, as promised, kept me on the porch, talking about school and what movies they couldnt wait to see. The evening passed quickly. How are you? Josie asked. We got along so well and shed been around so much that I forgot how young she was. That she was part of the teenage crowd. Honestly? I said. It sucks. I went through all of this once and now Im doing it again, but it stresses my mom out even more, and now I have to watch Brian and Nathan worry about me as well. I couldnt believe how easy it was to be honest with these girls. Well, Brother Wright is pretty cool. One of the other girls commented. Yes. I smiled. Hes the best. How is it being married? Josie asked. Well, when you know youve married the right guy? Its amazing. The greatest thing in the world. If Id married the first guy who asked? Not so much. They exchanged glances. Yes, I was asked before Brian. I smiled at them. Mom brought out what looked like gallons of hot chocolate and pretty soon all the young men and women were crammed onto our front porch. Hey, Brother Wright? One of the young men asked. Wheres your guitar? He hadnt played in a while. Id missed it. Wed been so busy. Just a minute. He looked like he was being dragged from his chair on the porch. He emerged from inside a minute later, guitar in hand. So, what do you want to hear? he asked. Something Leigh likes. Josie smiled. Brian glanced up at me and then looked down at his guitar thinking. Oh, right. This is easy. I listened carefully, if it was something I was supposed to like, I really didnt want to get it wrong. Really? I laughed. Wonderwall? Is that really appropriate? This is sort of a church

function. He kept playing the intro, You know the words, you tell me. He wanted me to sing. I wasnt sure. He watched me with the warmest expressionlove all over his face. I opened my mouth to sing the song and it hit me. Hed played this for me another time. Id been dating Noah. Brian liked me. I sat next to him on the porch while he played and had no idea how he felt. Id sung the whole thing while sitting next to him, and Id had no idea. What a stupid girl Id been. My jaw dropped open. You played this on purpose, I said. Yes. There was a mischievous hint to his smile. I was asked to. No, no. I shook my head. Thats not what I meant. I played it on purpose then, too. Something passed between us that everyone on the porch felt. Some of the kids exchanged glances. Kiss her. I heard a few of the boys say to Brian. They didnt know exactly what had happened between us, but they knew it was significant. I couldnt take my eyes from him. Brian stood up, walked over to me and kissed me softly on the forehead. I reached out and took his hand, not wanting him to go away. Well, that ends our night. Brian spoke loud enough for them all to hear, but didnt take his eyes from mine. I need someone to say a closing prayer and then you can all head home. They laughed again quietly. One of the young men offered a closing prayer. Thanks for your help. Brian looked at each of them. It means a lot. Id taken Brians hand, and wasnt about to let him go. I found words after theyd all gone down the stairs. Im sorry for being so completely oblivious. It all turned out well in the end. He leaned down and kissed me, letting our lips slowly slide together. Ready to head in? he asked. Ready to snuggle me to sleep? I asked back. Anything she wants. Brian reached out his hands to help me off my hammock and lead me inside.

Eleven
FIRST OF TWELVE I had almost two weeks of recovery from my surgery before the first chemo treatment. Every other Monday for the next six months would be spent at the hospital. Hello, Leigh. The nurse looked just a few years older than me. She had gorgeous African American skin with bright blond stripes through her black hair. Im Tory. Im here on Mondays so it looks like were going to get to know each other well. She smiled widely as she hooked the IV port in my arm to the bags overhead. That port would be part of my arm for at least the next six months. I tried not to think that far head. It felt like Id just done this. Like this was just tacked onto the last round. Ive been warned youre a bit of a lightweight. She smiled again. You could say that. I couldnt look at Brian. I couldnt look at her. I needed to find my best face first. Its not a problem, gives me something to do. Ill go get you a Popsicle hon. Ill be right back. One for him too? I asked. Brian stood next to my bed. Sure. She pushed the door open and walked out. Climb in with me, I said after she left. Maybe if Brian were close, it would feel like a lazy day of snuggling in together rather than what it actually was. He shook his head. Come on. Please? I scooted over to make room. I want you close to me. I reached out, pinched his t-shirt with my fingers and gave it a tug. Im going to get in trouble for this, he climbed onto the bed, keeping his feet over the side. No youre not. The girl with the needle in her arm gets whatever she wants. I raised my eyebrows at him. He smiled back. Whats that around your neck? I pulled on the metal I could see disappearing under his shirt. Those are my dog tags. He pulled them out of his shirt. Are you afraid of getting lost? I teased. No. So, whats up? I couldnt fathom why he had them on. You use them - say if you got captured, to keep track of time. What do you mean? I took the metal tags from his grasp.

Okay, so you see how they come together with the little metal brackets? I watched his fingers slide down the chain. You can move how far down theyre attached. Now, I have the long one that goes around my neck and two shorter strands that hold each of the tags below. I watched his hands. So, youd move this one over once each day and then after a week had passed, maybe youd move the one over here to show one week. Then youd start over with the other short one. You can see how theres endless possibilities here. Kind of morbid isnt it? I asked. Well, look at the rest of the information, name, social, blood type and religion. Things youd want to know about a body or someone whos injured or dying. I bet that felt heavy around your neck at times. I looked up at him. We hadnt talked too much about his military experiences. I knew some of them were great and some Im sure were worse than anything I could imagine. Hed lost a lot of friends overseas. At times. So, why do you have them on now? Im keeping track, see? He showed me where hed painted a few of the links black on one of the shorter strands. So, what are the marks for? Well, every time we come in for this. He gestured to the room. We get to move the bracket down one. When we get to the first mark, were at the halfway point. And the second one is when were done, I said. Yes. And then Dr. Watts said a few weeks after that, wed have some results back so I have that marked as well. And whats the last one for? I dont know. Something life changing, he smiled. It doesnt have to be exact. I thought maybe wed put in for adoption. Weve talked about moving. My hope is that by then youll be excited about doing something different, even if you dont feel perfect. Its a long ways off. I breathed out slowly. I couldnt bring myself to count the small metal steps between his black marks. Not as long as it was this morning. He pulled the bracket apart and moved it up one. See? Now were working towards the halfway point. It felt overwhelming to me, but seemed to help him. It gave him something to do, some sense of accomplishment. I let myself relax onto my pillow. I snuggled closer to Brian. Closer to warmth and safe-ness. This wouldnt be so bad. Wed have some time every two weeks where wed snuggle in together. Then the inkling of something unmistakablethe feeling of the poison creeping through my body. It slowly ran over me like the thin waves on a mellow beach whose tide is rising.

My smiled disappeared and I felt immediately nauseous and weak. It was as if sickness slowly seeped into every pore. Just in time, Tory came in with my Popsicle. I didnt remember feeling this bad this fast last time. Maybe it was all in my head. Well, dont you look cozy? She raised an eyebrow at us lying in my bed together. Sorry. Brian started to move. No, no. She waved her hand. The girl with the needle in her arm gets whatever she wants. Told ya. I rested my hand on Brians chest. Im ready for a Zofran. Already? she asked, her eyebrows raised. I nodded slightly. I didnt want to move too much. Why did my body react so quickly and terribly? And if it was just in my head, did that make me even weaker than I already felt? I could feel Brian watching me carefully. I unwrapped my treat and stuck the cool dessert in my mouth. It gave me something to do more than it actually helped. Brian opened his as well, and started in. What flavor do you have? I needed more distraction than a popsicle. Orange. Hmm. I like orange. I kissed him. Yummy. And whats yours? he asked. Give it a taste. I put my Popsicle behind me and leaned towards him for another kiss. He kissed me fully and his cool flavored mouth took some of the sting out of why we sat here together. Okay, what on earth are you two doing? Dr. Watts asked smiling as he walked into the room. Mixing flavors. I didnt take my eyes off Brian. He laughed. Well, leave it to newlyweds to make this that kind of experience. I waited for him to ask me how I felt. I didnt know if I could answer honestly with Brian in the room. Nurse said youve asked for your Zofran? I nodded. That was fast. But Im glad you did, throwing up while your stomach is still healing wouldnt be fun. I agree. I stuck my Popsicle back in my mouth. How are you feeling? he asked. I hesitated.

Dont you lie to me, Leigh. Nobody in this room can help you if youre not telling us whats going on. Hit me pretty fast, I admitted. Brian ran his fingers through the edge of my hair. I knew he was worried, and I couldnt look at his face. I didnt want to know what was there. The guilt for putting us both through this overwhelmed me. It could just be in my head. Sorry. Dr. Watts rested his hands on the railing of my bed. And how you feel is how you feel. Your heads the thing that tells you. Like I said, the next few months arent going to be fun. So, is the cheery pep talk the only reason youre here? He laughed. Yep. Thats it. Dont hesitate to call me. It would make me sad if one of my favorite patients didnt use her doctor, okay? Thanks. He walked out as Tory came in. Here you go. She handed me the tiny pill. This is how we have it today, under the tongue, on your tongue Thats fine. I grabbed it from her and stuck it in my mouth. The pills were the worst. They didnt really help with the nausea and had such a horrid bitter taste that my gag reflex kicked in immediately, but they did keep me from throwing up. So, the horrible nausea and need to throw up didnt go away, but my body simply wouldnt do it. The only time Id taken them the first time around is when my weight got dangerously low. Today I took them for my healing stomach, and because I wanted to protect Brian in any way I could. I knew Id probably throw up in front of him a lot over the next few months, but I couldnt think about that. Not yet. Not until I had to. I laid my head back. Brian joined me and we stared at one another for a while. I looked at his face, still tanned from the summer. His brown eyes seemed to hold every color and depth of brown imaginable. He kept his hair short, but not military short like he used to. Everything about the way he looked at me filled with love and kindness. It warmed me up, but also broke my heart. He shouldnt need to be here. How would you feel about moving back to Seattle? His voice broke the silence between us. I mean, you grew up there. So-- What? It had never come up before, not in any serious way. I was contacted by a couple of guys who do what I love to do most. Some web design work but theyve done movie posters, album label art, big band posters and some really fantastic websites. Theyre a little busier than theyd like to be for an office of two and they thought about hiring someone else on. I could work remotely of course, and they dont want me to be officially working for them until my degree is finished. Theyre a really cool couple of guys. Its a: work from wherever and well try to get together once a week or so to discuss things face to face.

They contacted him? Sounds like your dream job. I couldnt put into words how proud I felt. I knew his talent, to have someone else recognize it meant a future for him that hed love. It is, he admitted. But I dont want to move you away from here while your business is doing so well, and I dont want to move us at all if you dont want to. Its just something to think about. You know, for next semester. And you dont want to move us while Im in the middle of this mess. Id hit on what he didnt want to say. That too. His lips pressed together. A small nagging voice in my head wondered if Id survive the treatments for that long. I quickly stuffed that one away. Brian couldnt get any ideas of that thought passing through my head. Hey Leigh? He touched my hair with his hand, running the strands through his fingers like he did so often. Were just going to keep on going like were going right now. And before you know it, itll all be over and well be right back to where we were before all this started. Yeah. No big deal. It would feel like a whole lifetime, this next six months. I knew what we were in for. He didnt. Not yet. --Brian half-carried me from the car. The only reason Id been able to come home is that Id assured Dr. Watts Id do anything he asked to sleep in my own bed. Hed reluctantly agreed. How was it? Mom asked as Brian opened the door. I didnt know how to answer. No one wanted the truth. I felt worse than Id anticipated, and Id anticipated feeling pretty bad. I hated my wimpy body. Never mind, she said as she gave me a once over. Can I get you anything? No thanks, Mom. I just want my own bed. I closed my eyes, and Brian led me to our room, then used his arms to lower me to sitting. Mom came to the door with a cold washcloth. Theres a stack of dry ones by the sink. She passed Brian a bowl for me to throw up in. I hoped to get through a few more treatments before that started, but with the way I felt in that moment, I just wanted to get through the next few days. Let me know if you two need anything. I recognized that stressed voice from my mom. Shed started this rough. How bad would it be near the end? My chest caved at those words, the end, I didnt want to think about any kind of endings, not with Brian, not with Nathan, not with anyone.

Brian pulled the blankets back, helped me lift my legs, and sat on the edge of our bed. Okay, Im going to ask you this again, do you want me in here or In here. I didnt even have to think about that one. Even after such a short time together, I couldnt imagine not sleeping next to him. I slid down in bed and tried to pull him with me. You amaze me, Leigh. He tried to smile, but desperation was written all over his expression. Of course it was, hed half carried me to the car and Id become more and more despondent throughout the day. Id have to work harder on my game face. Dont say that yet. Ill feel worse in a day or two. I attempted a smirk. --I lay in bed and listened to Mom and Nathan eat breakfast. I overheard their conversation about what he wanted in his lunch and that wed all be waiting for him when he got home. The door closed and a short while later the bus pulled up the street. As much as I hated sending Nathan away on the bus, I loved being the first part of his day. It had already been taken from me. I felt a lump in my throat over things Id already missed. Just simple daily things, but all those small and simple things added up to the most important stuff there was. Families, relationships, support I couldnt support anyone, not when I felt afraid to get out of bed. Brian slowly opened the doors of our dark room, and kneeled down. Help me up slowly? I asked. I think Im okay, but Id rather take it slow than throw up all over our bed. Sheets can be washed. He smiled. Youre doing way too good, Brian. There was no way he could really be as okay with all of this as he seemed. Keep me busy, help me know you want me around, need me around, and Ill be fine. I do need you around. I held out both hands for him to take. The slower I started out, the more likely Id feel better than expected after my strong reaction the day before. His hands took mine first and then his body came in close for me to lean on. We slowly moved to standing together. Hows that? I think Im all right today. I let myself smile up at him. He brushed the hair off my forehead and pressed our lips together. So, you think youll feel worse, in a few days? It depends. Usually I feel a little terrible on the day of and a day or two after and then really terrible for a day, maybe two, and then I feel slowly, continually better until I go in again. I tried to see some reaction from him but he stood close, completely unreadable. It was the first time in, so maybe it wont get worse. I dont think most people would feel this

bad, this fast. Okay. He put his arm around me. I have some work to do today and class this afternoon. Your mom is here for when Nathan comes home, and I thought maybe wed share breakfast on the couch? Right after I pee. I walked out of our room on my own so hed know I was doing okay. I didnt feel too horrible, a little like the first day out of bed after the flu. Id felt worse. Way worse. We were headed there next.

TWELVE
Mom spent the day scrubbing every inch of our very clean house. I spent the day doing as little as possible so I could feel as good as possible for my boys when they returned. I heard the bus down the street, and Mom immediately stepped outside. A few moments later, the door opened to Nathans smiling face. Hey there! Come give me a hug! I reached toward him. Nope. He shook his head. Auntie Megan gave me stuff to do before you get a hug. Is that so? I asked. We were all thankful of Jarons wifes nursing job. It came in handy often. I guessed thats where the stuff to do came from. Yep. He nodded. First I take my backpack off outside. He pointed to the door. And then without touching any door handles I go to my room, take off my clothes and put them in the hamper. His mouth pulled into a tight line. You are not allowed to wash my clothes. Kids at school have really bad germs. I had to smile. He took his new job very seriously. I thought it was all a bit overboard, but I should have predicted this kind of behavior, given Brian, my mom and Megan. And what comes next? He thought for a moment, his finger on his chin. I wash my hands! And my face! He remembered. And then I go find new clothes. Well, it sounds like you know just what youre doing. He took off toward his room. Everyones just trying to keep you well, Mom said from the kitchen. I felt determined to not be as difficult as I had been last time. I know. It just seems like a little much.

Well, lets think about how weak youll be near the end of the process. If his schedule can start now and doesnt have to change, thats a good thing for Nathan. I hadnt thought of it from his perspective. I didnt even want to think about that point in time. I hadnt been able to stand my reflectionmy skin had looked almost grey, Id lost all my hair. I brought my hand to my mouth, how soon would I lose my hair? The hair that Brian ran his fingers through? The brown hair that Id grown to love? What would he think? What could he think? Im back and all clean and I want my hug and a snack and a show! Nathan came running into the room. Arent we forgetting something? I asked, relieved for the distraction from my train of thought. Please! He threw his arms around my neck and climbed onto the couch. Lets get some stuff together to send to your mom first, okay? He let out an exasperated sigh. Its important Nathan. She misses you. The truth was that I didnt know if she missed him or not, but theres no good way to say that to a five-year old. It made me feel like I was doing a good thing, and it seemed good for Nathan, too. Even if she didnt want him, him feeling like she did was a good thing. Okay. He looked as if he was being dragged off the couch. He pulled out one of the envelopes we had set out and drew a picture. Mom went to his backpack on the porch and got out a few bits of schoolwork to add to Nathans drawing. Its good that you do this. Mom looked over the back of the couch at me. Well, if I was in her position, Id want it too. I also wanted her to trust us. I desperately wanted Nathan as my eternal family, but it still felt like he should have his mom. The two thoughts conflicted to the point that I wasnt sure Id ever feel completely okay about officially adopting him. Nathan stuffed his drawing in the envelope and ran outside to put it in the mailbox. He had the process down. He climbed right back to his spot on the couch. We snuggled together like we always did in the afternoons. Id get to keep this. I breathed in deeply, grateful for the small things that didnt have to change. --Are you aware of the routine? I asked Brian as he came in the door. Nathan still comfortably snuggled against me on the couch. Brians brow came together in confusion. For Nathan, from Megan? I prompted. He smiled. Oh yeah, howd he do?

Brillliantly. I leaned my head on the back of the couch to see him better. Good job little man. Brian rubbed his sons head. Nathan didnt move. Phineas and Ferb were in a tight spot. So, shouldnt you be doing the same thing? I pointed from his head to his feet. Brian paused, unsure of what I asked. I think you should strip down and put on fresh clothes. I pulled my lips into my mouth to keep from smiling. Mom tried to ignore us from the kitchen where she worked on dinner. I knew she tried not to pay attention, because shed stopped stealing glances at me into the living room. I watched Brian walk into the bathroom, and heard him wash his hands. He appeared back in the hallway. I looked at him expectantly, and then pointed with authority. He looked up for a moment as if deciding something. Mom was in the kitchen, she couldnt see. Nathans full attention was on the TV. Brian quickly pulled his shirt over his head and stood in front of our bedroom door for not nearly long enough before heading inside. I sat there really wishing I felt good enough to follow him. --My online shops email inbox had gotten full after my few days on the couch. Id neglected it further when Mom decided to stay for a whole week, just to make sure I could function. I felt pretty good, almost normal. I filtered through wedding dress requests to see what I might like to work on. If I picked something simple, I might be able to put it together during the second week after my next treatment. If I still needed more time, I could work on it on my good days after number three. It felt good, having plans to keep busy on the days I knew Id probably feel okay. Leigh? Brian called from the front door. In here. Whacha workin on? He sat sideways on the chair next to me, facing his body toward mine. He slid his hands around my waist. Email, I thought Id do another wedding dress. I shifted my eyes to the screen, afraid of what his reaction might be. His body tensed and pulled away from me a little. Are you sure thats a good idea? I tried to dismiss his concern. You know you worry too much. I just dont want you to take on something thats too big to finish if you start to feel worse. His words felt carefully placed. Brian had always just talked to me. I hated feeling like hed said something so planned. Well, plenty of people carry on with normal lives while doing what Im doing. I knew I didnt handle the chemo well, but I didnt want to feel like everyone was tip-toeing around

me. Okay. He kissed my cheek. Would my lovely wife like to join me on a walk? How much time til Nathan comes home? We had to be back before the bus dropped him off. An hour. We have an hour? Alone here together? I leaned my face close to him and slid my lips across his. Id just thought of a nice way to spend an hour. He kissed me quickly, like a little peck and stood up. An hour for a nice, lazy walk. I felt rejected, dismissed. My legs wouldnt push me from my chair. You okay? His hand touched my shoulder. Yeah. I didnt meet his eyes as I stood up, and his hand slid off me as I walked away. He either didnt understand my reaction, or he chose to ignore it. Either way, it hurt. He handed me my coat and held open the front door. You know, one of the nice things about me being a student is getting to spend some time alone with you in the middle of the day, I like it. He slid his fingers through mine as we walked down the porch steps together. I opened my mouth to point out that we could be doing something different with our hour, but I didnt want to be rejected twice within a few minutes. Me, too. We have a bit of a scheduling conflict and Im trying to figure out how to resolve it. Whats up? The guys, John and Mark, from Seattle? I nodded. They want to meet with me Monday and you have your Im well aware of what I get to do on Monday. I dont see how its a problem. You wont be stuck at the hospital all day, you can play in Seattle instead. I might really want Brian there with me later on. It felt like a good time for him to take a break from it. Im not stuck there, Leigh. I want to be with you, I tried to set a meeting up for the following Monday, but one of them is out of town. They dont both live in Seattle and Mondays are their meet day I knew he wanted to go, but I also knew he felt torn. Realistically, him going now would mean good things for him later on. Thats the easy day, Bri. The few days after that are when Ill want you here. Besides, I have mom and Jaron and Julie and Megan and a whole wing of the hospital dedicated to people just like me. The thought of being completely alone for the day sounded nice. I wouldnt have to worry about my game face or making anyone feel better, I could fade into my own thoughts for

the day. I dont like it. He shook his head. I tried to think of a way to make him know I wanted him to go and remembered Dr. Watts had said something to Brian about long-term plans. I wondered how many times Id be glad I overheard the conversation. The thought of going to Seattle when all this mess is over sounds great. You should go. Its for all of us. I pulled him closer until he slid his arm around my waist, letting go of my hand. He thought for a moment. Ill think about it, but Im not completely thrilled with the idea. I promise Ill be fine. Besides, the plane ride is short. Youll be home that night, right? Yeah, just after dinner. See? Youll be back in time to bring me home. Id rather be with you here than at the hospital anyway. Megan, Jaron, my momthere are a ton of people who could come sit with me if you want. Okay. He smiled a little then. Im really excited to meet these guys. They know I wont be able to live in the area until at least the end of April, but to have them seek me out feels really good. April? I was confused. Why April? Your last scheduled treatment is the first week in April. I felt like Id been punched in the gut. April was forever away. I tried to regroup. Right, sorry, I wasnt thinking. I stared at the sidewalk, slowly passing under my feet. Oh! Perfect timing. I looked up to see Nathans bus stop in front of our house. How long had we walked? How had an hour already gone by? Leigh! Nathans hand waved frantically. Dont touch me! Im gonna do my stuff! I waved back as Brian and I approached our steps. Im glad hes so good about doing that. Brian stroked my hair as he followed me into the house. You know I think its a little overboard, right? I started up our steps. He softly pinched my cheek. Its overboard right now, but it wont be later. My chest sank again, he was right. Mom made the same point last week. Brian! Stuart jogged across our front yards. Come running with me. Just a sec, Ill get rid of him, Brian whispered. Hey, Bri? I took the front of his jacket in my hands. Go run. Itll be good for you. Nathan and I are about to start our snuggle time together. Arent you tired after our walk? His eyebrows pinched together.

I like Leigh when shes tired! Nathan half-hopped, half-ran back into the porch. She sits with me longer! See? Well be fine. Brian needed some normal in his life. I didnt feel like there was a lot left and wed only been dealing with the cancer for a short while. He looked between Stuarts expectant face and mine. You up for it? Stuart asked again. Ill be back out in a sec. He put his arm around me and led me inside. He pressed his lips slowly and softly against my forehead. Even if things werent perfect, I loved the way he loved me.

THIRTEEN Second of Twelve

It feels too weird, just leaving you here. Brian stroked my hair and then ran his hand down my arm. He leaned over my hospital bed with the same torn look hed had the past few days. Brian, this isnt like you. This is ridiculous. Enjoy Seattle. Ill see you tonight. Im tired, Im hoping to sleep for most of the day, okay? I leaned up enough so hed know I wanted a kiss. He took my face in his hands and kissed me slowly. Ill be back before you know it. I know. I laid back down and closed my eyes. See you soon. I heard Brians footsteps as he walked out of my room. No more brave face needed. I breathed out a sigh of relief, turned onto my side and focused on the sound of silence rather than the smell of hospital. --Leigh. Dr. Watts strode through my doorway. Wheres your sidekick today? Seattle. I rolled onto my back to see him better. Really? He stopped, a look of surprise on his face. I practically forced him to go, I said. Its for his dream job. I used to live there so I let him know that when this is all over, it might be fun to go back.

And when does he return? He crossed his arms. Hell be here to take me home tonight. I didnt like the tone of disapproval in Dr. Watts voice. What about your mom, shes in town now right? Or your brother? Or another friend? I kind of just wanted to be here alone today. Nathan has an inservice day so my mom is busy with him anyway. Jaron had also asked if he could stop by, but Id begged everyone away. She might stop by later, I added for his benefit. No way, Leigh. You are way too early in this to start pushing people away from you. He frowned and shook his head. I just wanted to be alone. No. He said looking at me. They need to be around you, and you need to be around them. Wouldnt it be better if I just slipped away? If I could slip into the background? Okay, Leigh? I can see that thought crossing through your head. Make it stop. He looked at me for a minute. He sat on the edge of my bed and took a deep breath. I want you to pretend for a moment that your worst fears come true, say you die next week. Would your family want memories of you pushing them away and being selfishly alone? Or would they want to look back at how happily you lived your last week? I didnt say anything. Of course I knew the answer. He smiled big at me then, almost goofy. Either way Leigh, this is no worse than last time. The treatments are just a little more rigorous so you feel worse. Okay? I nodded. But it wasnt just that. It was my added family that made this all worse. It was the fact that I had to do this all again. I feel very confident in you making a full recovery. How you feeling today? Terrible. I feel like I react worse than most. My mouth felt like cotton, but I knew drinking some-thing would just make me throw up. My body felt shaky from the inside out. I think you definitely do, he agreed. You should try it once, just for kicks. I smiled as I rolled back onto my side. Maybe I will. But today Im needed. He stood up. It looks like they have you set up about as comfortably as they can. Call me if you need anything, okay? Okay. And call someone to come sit with you. Youre loved Leigh, itll make their day. Okay. Maybe. See you soon.

Yeah, great. He better have understood my sarcasm. --Wow, Leigh, you have your own TV in here! Nathan ran into my room with wide eyes. My guess was that Dr. Watts had called Mom, but it was also possible shed just shown up. Pretty fancy huh? I asked. He nodded. Can we watch SpongeBob? That is a horrible show. Mom looked over at me. I shrugged. It wasnt the best, but some of those episodes were hysterical. Sorry, Mom. I turned on the TV. I found SpongeBob in no time and Nathan pulled out his lunch. We spread it out on the small table next to my bed. Ohh, fries. My mouth watered at the thought of all that saltiness. Leigh. Mom frowned in disapproval. If youre hungry, Ill go find you something better to eat. Relax, Mom. Please? I tried not to laugh. She left my room in search of better food, not understanding I didnt want to eat, I just wanted salt. Nathan, I whispered. My mom is gone now, can I have some fries? I held out my hand. Sure. He smiled and gave me the biggest fistful he could pick up. Do I hear SpongeBob? A girl about my age wheeled into my room in a chair. Yeah! Nathan took another handful of fries and stuffed it in his mouth. Oh, and I smell contraband. Is that McDonalds? She smiled at him. She had lost her hair and her huge brown eyes took over her small face. The wheelchair dwarfed hershe looked waif or fairy like. Yep. My Grandma Lila got it for me. I got extra fries for Leigh, but I didnt tell Grandma, he added in a whisper. She laughed. Im Andy. Im Nathan. He smiled at her. This is Leigh. Then he looked up at me. I thought Dad was here with you? Nope, hes in Seattle today, remember? Hell be home tonight. Oh, yeah. Nathan grabbed another handful of food and looked back up at the TV. What are you in for? She looked over at me. Ovarian. Oh, thats no big deal. Youll be out of here in no time. Its round two.

Oh. She moved her head back and forth as if it could go either way. Refreshing. And you? It seemed okay to ask. Inoperable. Theyre hoping the chemo will shrink it away. She looked as if she didnt believe it. On my spinal cord, which explains my ride. She rested her hands on the tops of the wheels. How can you move around like that? I touched my hands to my stomach. The thought of wheeling around brought on a whole new wave of queasiness. I dont get nauseous. She shrugged. I mean I dont feel great, but I get bored and need to get out. See? They hook me up pretty well. Her IV bag sat attached to the wheelchair. I couldnt imagine being able to go through this without the nausea. So, Nathan, Andy grinned. Youre hanging out with your mom today? Oh, shes not my mom. My mom is in jail in Las Vegas. But Leighs way more fun to live with. He giggled. Andy laughed hard at that. Way to tell it like it is. She wiped the corners of her eyes. Im sorry, that was great. Nathans eyes widened, and he turned to face me, worried hed done something wrong. Hey Nathan? I dont think thats something you should just tell anyone, okay? I attempted to hold back a smile. Okay. His gaze shifted back to his show. So, youre the stepmom. She looked at me. Yeah. I guess I am. No, shes not my stepmom. Nathan scowled at Andy. Stepmoms are mean. Leigh is nice. Shes always kissing my daddy, and they get to share a room. I blushed at that. Poor kid, wed have to be more careful around him. Andy laughed again. Wow, am I glad I stopped in here today. She nodded her head and smiled appreciatively. Want some fries? Nathan held the cup out for her. Sure. She took a small fingerfull. It felt good to have someone so honest and going through something similar to me. Can I get your number? I asked. Maybe if either of us finds herself bored over the next two weeks we could call. Give me yours, Im good with numbers. She smiled, taking her last bite of fries. There you are. What must have been Andys husband walked into the room. His frame was slight, his face narrow, and his wispy hair fell in pieces over his face and around his glasses.

Hey sweetie. Andy rested on the hand he put on her shoulder. Didnt mean to worry you. She shot me a wide-eyed look of exasperation. I knew how she felt - like your independence had been stripped away. I was visiting my new friends, this is Nathan and this is his stepmom, Leigh. Its nice to meet you, Im Devin. He had the same look as Brian was starting to wear. Kind and artificially calm. Nice to meet you, Devin. Well, if I dont see you before, I bet Ill see you in two weeks? Is that your schedule? Andy asked as Devin put his hands on her chair. Thats my schedule. Thanks for the fries, Nathan. She waved as her husband wheeled her out of the room. Ill see you in a couple weeks. She looked over her shoulder at me. And I may call you She rolled her eyes again. My mom came back with a small tray of food that looked completely unappetizing. My short visit had worn me out. I lay my head back on my pillow. Maybe we should go. Moms lips pulled together. I nodded. SpongeBob had just finished up, and Nathan was done with his lunch. Im glad I got to see you today, Nathan. I probably wont be home until after your bedtime tonight. Be nice to Grandma Lila. I smiled at my mom. Nathan gave me a wave as he followed Mom out the door. Being alone brought a wave of relief. I closed my eyes and hoped the rest of the day would pass quickly. I laid still and wished for sleep. --Brians warm hand touched my arm, waking me. Wheres someone? I wanted to be alone. Mom and Nathan dropped by, and I met a girl named Andy. It was an okay day. My voice came out in a whisper, my body felt queasy and tired. Really? He didnt believe me. I could see it on his face. No. Not really. I sat here with a needle in my arm to get poison pumped into my body. Nobody wants to hear about that. I looked up at him immediately sorry Id let it slip out. Tell me about your trip. Im tired and dont want to talk, is that okay? I smiled in hopes Id encourage him. Brian slid his arm around me and half-held me as we walked. I breathed him in. He smelled like airplanes and stale air, but anything was better than hospital. He told me how nice the guys were to him. Open, friendly, he felt really good about working with them. Theyd gone sailing for a couple of hours on Lake Washington. They were also going to send a little work Brians way to see what he did with it and if all continued to go well, theyd go ahead and hire him long distance until we could make the

move. The excitement in his voice at practically being able to pick and choose what he wanted to do helped me forget about my day. I leaned my head against his chest, happy that things were coming together for him, at least in that part of his life. His life with me was certainly a disaster. --Nathan sat to watch his after-school show and I sat in the bathtub, letting the hot water from the shower wash over me. Id passed the days of feeling terrible. I carefully washed and conditioned my long hair. I scrubbed my face and my body. It felt like if I scrubbed hard enough or used hot enough water, Id clean myself of anything that still made me feel sick or weak. I turned the water off when I finished, disappointed that no amount of scrubbing made me feel any cleaner, healthier, or better. I climbed out of the tub and wrapped my towel tightly around me. My body still felt shaky, but I knew I could function. I checked the water level in the tub. The drain had filled with hair. A lot of hair. Dread hit my stomach with the weight of lead. I sat on my knees on the floor and concentrated hard not to throw up. My hair might last through another treatment, but I couldnt stand to watch it thin out until it disappeared. I needed to just get it over with. And not think about it. I dried off and got dressed. The wet hair clung to my fingers as I pulled it from the drain and flushed it down the toilet. I put my hair in a ponytail holder and scrambled through the drawers until I found scissors. I grabbed the end of my ponytail and opened the scissors as wide as theyd go. They had to dig and dig to get through my thick hair. My arms shook, the shaking continued into my body. I felt sick again at the thought of Brian seeing me like this. Tears started to run. I couldnt cry. I was alone with Nathan. I lifted my head to the mirror. My hair was still in the ponytail. I couldnt see the damage. My hands shook as I opened the bathroom door, needing to escape that room before my eyes caught the pile of hair on the floor. I slid on pajamas and took Brians clippers from their spot in his drawer. Nathan followed me to the porch with wide eyes. Whacha doin? he asked. Taking off my hair. It came out in a raspy whisper. Can I watch? His little voice had an edge of excitement that I clung to. His simple request of curiosity made it less horrible, not a lot less, but a little less. Sure. I turned the clippers on. I sat down in a chair and pulled the rubberband off the nape of my neck. My hair fell around my face in choppy uneven layers. I let out a breath and tried not to internalize what I saw. Nathan sat on the porch in front of me, his eyes wide. Ready? I looked at his face for courage.

Yeah, he giggled a nervous little giggle. Watching my hair fall with the first run hit me in the gut, just like seeing the hair in the drain. I had to remind myself again that I did not want to watch it thin slowly. I ran the clippers again and again over my head. Nathan laughed every time a chunk hit the porch floor. His giggling form made me laugh too, I couldnt keep a few tears from falling, but the gratitude I felt for being alone with Nathan for this horrible moment was immeasurable. Okay Nathan, look really hard. Do you see any funny spots anywhere? I turned my head from side to side and leaned forward in my chair, folding my body over my lap so he could see me well. Nope. He grinned widely. Can we do me next? No way dude! You have awesome hair. I reached out to touch his head, but he ducked away. Movement caught the corner of my eye. I looked up to see Mom standing with two armloads of groceries at the bottom of my front steps. Mouth open. Staring. She regrouped quickly - her look of panic vanished fast. Well, I brought your wig up. She surveyed the mess on the porch. We should clean up that hair before Brian gets back. Ill get it, Mom. I didnt need to be creating more work for anyone. No, no, you climb on your hammock. She walked across the porch and to the front door. Ill bring you that huge comforter and maybe a hat. She disappeared into the house keeping her eyes averted from me as she did it. I wrapped my arms around me to hold off chills. Mom was right. It was too cold to be without a comforter. Nathan climbed up on the hammock with me. I pulled him close, trying to ease some of the ache in my chest. Its just hair, but it felt like so much more. Youre crushing me! Nathan squirmed next to me. I cant help myself. I squeezed him tighter. Mom walked out and set a blanket on the hammock. She scooped up my hair with a broom and dustpan and stepped back into the house without a word. Whats wrong with Grandma Lila? Nathan scooted his body around to see me. I dont know, I lied. Theres Daddy! Nathan pointed to Brians car coming up the street. Waves of nervousness and fear ran through me at the thought of Brian seeing me with no hair. He always touched my hair, brushed it off my face, ran the strands through his fingers. I wondered how much hed miss it. I couldnt think about how much Id miss it. He pulled into our drive, grabbed his laptop case out of the car and walked toward the front of the house. He barely paused when he saw me. Probably only I would have noticed his hesitation at all.

So, this is what were doing today, huh? He smiled wide. Relief washed through me, but I simply shrugged, waiting for his real reaction. Before I could do anything to stop him, he grabbed the clippers and did one clean run over the middle of the top of his head. Brian, no! I started to jump toward him, but the hammock jerked underneath me, and I held still. He looked ridiculous with his wide eyes and stripe of missing hair. Honey, I dont think I can leave it like this. He leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. Brian, you are crazy. I reached out for him as he pulled away. Our eyes locked. You wanna do it? he asked, holding the clippers out for me to take. I slid to the edge of the hammock and rested my feet on the porch. Brians face was close, his head looked bizarre with the one bald stripe in the center. He held out the clippers for me to take, and my heart started to pound. My hands shook as I grasped them and flipped the on switch. I dont know. I shook my head and swallowed as if it would pull down the tears threatening to spill over. His gesture overwhelmed me, and hit me hard, bringing another round of tears to the surface. Hey. His voice came out softly. I love you. I attempted a nod and did another run over Brians head. Can I do it? Nathan scooted next to me. That would be great. I breathed a sigh of relief. Just his small voice and excitement lightened my load again. I handed the clippers over. Brians expression of pretend worry and shock made me laugh. And just like that, another horrible moment was saved by a fiveyear-old boy. Nathan worked meticulously and slowly, giggling and pausing after each swipe. Brians head was as clean as mine in minutes. My turn dad! He turned the clippers off and handed them to Brian. No. I shook my head at Brian. No way should a little boy have to go bald, even for a short while. Brian looked from Nathans pleading face to mine. Its important, he mouthed to me. The clippers ran easily though Nathans hair. I felt shock as his soft little boy hairs hit the porch. Nathan laughed and laughed as his hair tickled him on its way to the floor. I cant believe... My heart was full of love, gratitude and uncertainty. Leigh, hes a big boy. Hes a part of the family and he wanted to do it. Brian rested his hand on my knee. I nodded and smiled over at my two bald-headed boys through a fresh set of tears. I put

a hand on either of their heads. How do you want, Mom started to say as she walked onto the porch and then stopped when she realized what had happened, again. Ill just go get the broom. She disappeared back into the house. Wow, okay. Jaron stood at the bottom of the stairs, staring. I was wondering what all the racket was over here. He tried to force out a laugh. He came up the steps and leaned toward Nathan. Can you do me, too? Nathan started in before I had a chance for my protest to be heard. He laughed so hard his little hands couldnt keep the clippers steady. Brian had to take over. Mom appeared from in the house. Oh for goodness sakes! Leigh can wear a wig if she wants to! What are you boys going to do? There was irritation in her voice, but I was sure she hid a smile. Mom? Jaron put a hand on her arm. My hair will look like new in a couple of weeks. This is clearly not a big deal. He pulled her toward him and planted a kiss on her head. She didnt speak as she swept up the mix of Jarons baby blond and brown of Nathan and Brian, from the porch. What on earth are you guys doing over here? Stuart asked. I could hear you from my house. Julie with Cassandra walked behind him. He surveyed the now four bald heads as he came up the steps. Oh. A smile started to break out on his face. I pointed my finger at him. Dont even think about it, Stuart. Okay. He snatched the clippers and did the same thing Brian had done. He did one clean stripe across somewhere near the top of his head. Julie gasped behind him. I may need someone to help with the rest. He laughed. Ill take care of that. Brian enjoyed taking off Stuarts hair way too much, laughing and teasing him about his lumpy head. Just like basic training, huh? Yeah, about like that. Stuart slapped Brian on the back. You boys, I swear youre just looking for an excuse to be goofy. Leighs the only one here who looks good bald, except for maybe Nathan. Julie rubbed Nathans bald head. Time to eat! Mom opened the front door. Her eyes went from Jaron to Brian to Stuart to Nathan and only briefly to me. Come on in, she added more quietly. Brian stepped over to the hammock where I still sat. You like your hammock? Very much. I reached my hands out and took his. He pulled me to standing and pressed our bodies together. Love you, wife. He put a hand on either cheek and then ran his hands over my bare head. I closed my eyes as his hands moved, enjoying the warmth of him. I dont I had no words. I didnt know what to say. I felt in awe of the support theyd given me without a

second thought. We love you. He put his arm over my shoulder and led me inside to dinner. --Brian sat on his chair in the dining room watching me with more than the usual closeness. I sat on the couch with Nathan. Wary. Is there a problem? I caught his eye before he had a chance to look away. No I dont know. His brows pulled together. I adjusted my body to face him more easily. Whats up Brian? Well, your mom went home Im aware. What could he be getting at? And I have to work tonight He was really dancing around what he wanted to say. Just say what you want to say, Bri. I pulled up one side of my mouth. Brian worrying was a bit amusing because he tried to be so careful about it. Would it be completely weird if I asked Josie to come help with Nathan? You two havent gotten together in a while anyway. Youve just looked dizzy today. I feel a little dizzy today, but Im sure Nathan and I will be fine. I rested my head on the couch, Brian still looked concerned. I hated how hard all of this was on him. You know what? I havent seen Josie in a long time, it might be nice to catch up. I knew what his reaction would be. Thanks, Leigh. His body relaxed. I know Im sure Im being crazy. I just worry and it breaks me up to not be able to just be here with you. Its fine Brian, anything you want, I smiled at him fully. Can that just be our mantra over the next few months? He stood up from his chair and kneeled down next to me. Because that would make my life a lot easier. Expecting me to be difficult are you? I touched his dimple with my finger. Any day. He chuckled, leaned forward, and kissed my cheek. --I heard Brians voice on the porch mixed with Josies. Brians steps walked down and the door opened. So, did you get the lecture about hands? I asked her as she walked through the door. Yeah and but she stopped, staring at me. Im sorry, that was on the list, too. What? Dont stare at Leighs bald head? I laughed. Yeah. But he didnt say it like that. She smiled, shook her head and stared at the floor. No, I guess he wouldnt. So, hand washing, hair, ask you once in a while if you want something and if youre

headed to the kitchen Im supposed to head you off and get it for you. Wow. He was pretty thorough. Hes just worried about you. Josies head cocked to the side as she spoke. Yes he is. Brian loved me, there was no denying or questioning it. The thought of it warmed me every time. So, Nathan, are you done with your show and can I read you some books before bed? she asked. No, I want Leigh! Nathan protested. His body slumped low as he turned around. How about we read out here with Leigh and then you can show me where you sleep. Josie started to bargain. Josie helped him pick out pajamas and we all read together on the couch. He happily followed her to his room and I could hear him showing her the sketchbook his dad had done for him. All things I should have done. So now what? Josie asked as she stepped into the living room from the hallway. Well, Id love a glass of water and a yogurt, this way you can honestly report back to Brian that you got me something. I smiled. Okay. She disappeared into the kitchen and came back with a water and yogurt for each of us. We chatted very specifically about anything not involving me being sick. After my short snack and trying to keep up with a seventeen year olds conversation pace, I could feel myself sinking lower into the couch. I think youve filled your purpose. I set my yogurt cup on the coffee table. I guess so. We didnt really talk about how long I was supposed to stay. She pulled her out her phone to check the time. Im probably off to bed so its about to get pretty boring around here. Okay. Well I guess Ill see you tomorrow at church. She got up and headed toward the door. I still cant believe you dont have any hair. I grabbed my head and attempted a smile. Yeah. Me either. It sucks. See ya. Thanks for babysitting, Josie. I waved as she walked out the door. At her age I was finishing high school. Id already started having symptoms of cancer, but hadnt realized it yet. She looked so young, too young to deal with something so life changing. Id felt old at eighteen, like an adult dealing with what felt like an adult disease. I didnt feel that way anymore. I felt impossibly young, years and years of life with Brian and Nathan to look forward to unless those years were taken from me. I choked back a sob. I stood up from the couch, needing to stretch or move or do something to leave that

horrible thought behind. But part of me knew that thought would be my companion for a while no matter what I wanted.

FOURTEEN Sunday Leigh, were almost ready for church. Brian poked his head into the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror trying to decide whether or not to put on my wig. It matched the bright blond my hair had been before the first round of chemo treatments. No one in Provo but Jaron had seen me with hair that color. It just felt silly. And the thing was so itchy. Whats the matter? Brians large hand rested on my shoulder. You know last time I was sick I either pretended I wasnt sick or I hid underneath my wig. I dont want to do that. I bit my lip, unsure of how to continue. Would it be weird, or would you mind Ye-es? He gave me his best smirk. The one that said, I know youre about to say something silly or ridiculous. Would it be weird if I just went like this? Without my wig? Would it be weird if I went without mine? He took my two hands and put them on his bald head. Even after just a day I could feel the stubble. Mine would be smooth until the mess was over. Thank you. Our faces were already close, I brushed my lips against his and he slid his arms around me. You are the bravest, strongest person I know. His low voice sent shivers through me. You ready? Since I dont have any hair to worry about, yeah. He laced his fingers through mine and led me out the door. --We sat in the last regular row on the right side, the doors into the hallway open just behind us. I wanted to be near a door in case I felt sick and needed to leave. I sat on the outside, Brian sat next to me, and Nathan took the inside of the pew next to the wall. I felt grateful for the people who stopped to offer support, but they were all a blur. I tried to focus instead on the spirit in the room. I pulled a hymnbook onto my lap to look through. At every point in my life when I had a

hard time reading scriptures, Id read hymns. About two minutes before the meeting started I felt someone kiss the top of my head. I looked up startled at one of the young men, Matt. He set a loaf of bread next to me on the bench. I couldnt stop staring at his bald head. I tried to pull up the corners of my mouth to smile, realizing he must have done it for me. I watched him, amazed at his gesture, take his seat in the front to get ready to pass sacrament. Brian smiled as Matt looked to the back of the chapel. Just after Matt sat down, I felt another kiss on my head. Glad you made it today, Sister Wright. Shawn. Also, with no hair. I almost couldnt smile. I didnt know if Id be able to speak. He walked to the front and sat next to Matt. Another kiss on the back of my head. Hope youre able to keep coming. Jonathan walked by with his bald head and found his seat. I knew there were other people in the chapel, but I didnt see anyone but the three boys who had done so much. I couldnt take a deep breath. By now many people in the ward had turned. I looked behind me to see a row of young men on their way in the meeting hall. Every single one with a shaved head. Every single one had done it for me. Tears flowed freely down my face now. There was no hiding it. Each one kissed my head before they walked in to take their seat. Thank you, I whispered over and over. Continually wiping my eyes. I looked over at Brian. Did you know about this? I asked. He shook his head no. He touched the outside corners of his eyes, wiping tears. I looked around at the members of the ward smiling and dabbing their eyes. Love had filled the room and spilled over. Our bishop got up to start the meeting. Im glad its not fast and testimony today, he said as he pulled a tissue out of the tissue box at the podium, I dont think we have enough tissue. We chuckled with him. But before we start our meeting I want you all to know that love and prayers can carry a person through anything and that I cant imagine anyone more deserving of our love and prayers than our Sister Wright and her family. Brian let go of my hand to put his arm around me so I could lean on him. Love you, Leigh, he whispered it quietly in my ear. Love you, Bri, I managed to whisper. I didnt know what happened through the rest of the meetingI didnt remember. I was absolutely overwhelmed with the love and generosity of the boys in our ward. I looked around at the bald heads scattered throughout the chapel after the sacrament was passed. You look tired. Brians lips touched my ear as he spoke. I nodded. Lets get you home. I leaned into him, into his warmth and comfort. Brian was doing good. As much as I hated to leave after only sacrament, I wanted the rest. --I lied in bed a couple of days later when I heard a knock on my bedroom door.

Yeah? I needed help out of here anyway. I smiled at Jaron as he came in. I was getting really good at my game face. He sat down on my bed. Is this okay? he asked. Of course. I just didnt want to jostle you if you werent feeling well. Im good. I nodded and swallowed once to make sure I wasnt lying. Its kind of funny. Last year I was asking Brian to check on you and this year, hes asking me. That is kind of funny, and I will tell you what I told both of you last year. I dont need to be babysat. Im going to break the rules, Jaron warned. What are you talking about? I asked. I know that last time I was your safe person. I think Nathan is taking my place. With all the games and shows you two to do together. He looked down at his hands for a minute and then looked up at me. How are you, Leigh? he asked. You dont have that same peaceful spirit around you as last time. I smiled weakly. Id have to do better. Its like game face. I should have known that Jaron would see through me. Hed known me for too long. Are you worried? he asked. Of course Im worried. I tried to keep my face even, my body relaxed. Youll be okay, he tried to say it with authority. You remember our definitions are slightly different. Jaron and I had had this big talk last year about how Id always known Id be okay. I had known it; I just hadnt known if I would survive the sickness or not. Im okay was my safe answer. It made the people around me feel better and it had been true. Whether I lived or died, Id be okay. Id gone into the first round strong. I shouldnt have worried at all the last time. This felt different. Jaron nodded. I thought about Brian and Nathan. I dont want to watch Brian do this with me anymore. Its not fair to him. I took a breath. I have so much more to lose, Jaron I quickly wiped away a tear, hoping he wouldnt notice. You were married in the temple Leigh he started to say. I know. Time and Eternity. But I want now Jaron. I want this life so bad and I fell in love with Nathan first. Jaron nodded. Have you talked to Brian about this?

Have you seen his face Jaron? Hes trying hard, but I shook my head. Leigh, I dont know how you feel. I honestly just keep feeling like youre fine. I wondered if he was trying to convince himself or me. Thanks brother. Love you, little sis. Love you. Some days it felt good to be watched over, and other days it was irritating. I hadnt decided yet about today. --How are you? I asked as I picked up the phone. Youre not allowed to ask that, Leigh. Andys voice half sang back to me. Right. Sorry. Evan insisted on giving me another blessing. I think its more for him than me. Hows Brian holding up? I loved her sense of humor. It felt even better over the phone when I was forced to picture what kind of face she made. Okay, I guess. I wasnt sure and we were barely in it yet. I was afraid to ask. So, were both in a few days before Thanksgiving. Thatll make the holidays fun. Yeah well, I dont have the best memories associated with that holiday, so this year Id like it to simply disappear. Two years ago Id been young and ter rified of death. Last year wasoverwhelming. I didnt want to re-live either of those days. Well, thisll be your third time in for treatment, right? Yep. Youre going to feel like crap. Just take a few sleeping pills and itll be over before you know it. I had to laugh at that. No one else I knew would offer that kind of advice. I may do just that. I paused for a sec. So, what are you up to today? I asked. Nothing. You know, you and your husband should drop by sometime, I suggested. Yeah. She sounded happy about the idea. We might do that.

FIFTEEN Third of Twelve Brian came in with me for treatment number three. Lets play cards. Are you up for it? I am for now. I paused. Like real cards? He pulled out a deck from his laptop case. What do you mean real cards? My mother adhered to the strict church guidelines of no face cards. Youre kidding. Brian looked baffled. No face cards? None, I answered. It has to do with gambling. Andy smiled from the doorway. Can I join you? I so envied her ability to be so mobile. Both because of and despite the chair. Of course. Brian smiled. Oh, Brian, this is Andy. They shook hands. So, she started. Contraband McDonalds last week and face cards this week. You run with a rough crowd, Leigh. I laughed. Brian took a few minutes to describe the game. There were seven rounds, each getting gradually more difficult. He explained sets and runs and I felt excited to get going, to be using my brain. We finished our first round. Brian won, but just barely. With only three of us, we ran through a few rounds fairly quickly. I laid back on the bed. Even cards felt tiring. Ill take off for a few and give you two some time. Brian stood up. No, no. I didnt want Brian to go. Didnt you get a job from those Seattle guys? Im sure youre dying to dig into it and well finish our card game in a little while if Im still up to it. Dont you want some privacy? he asked. You get so wrapped up when youre working on something itll be like were alone. My lips pressed together, holding in a smile. True. He pulled out his laptop and sat in the opposite corner. Would you mind if I wrote Joseph and gave him the update? Brian asked. No, no thats fine. I figured the more people Joseph talked to, the more incentive hed have to come visit sometime. Besides, I really didnt like talking about being sick. Brian was absorbed almost immediately upon going to work. Andy wheeled herself closer to my bed. What does he do? Andy titled her head to Brian.

Hes an artist. I smiled. Well, thats what he is to me. He does web design and posters, all sorts of graphic design, but my favorites are his sketches. Cool. She nodded. Brians t-shirt exposed the bottom of some of the tattoos on his arms. Hes kind of a new church member? she asked. My brother met him on his mission and then later on they were roommates for a little over a year. The memory of how Brian used to intimidate me made me smile. Mustve been weird dating your brothers roommate. I smiled, but laughter made me queasy. We didnt date long. How long is not long? Six weeks? I blushed. When you know, you know. Wow. Then she cocked her head to the side. Whos Joseph? Oh. That would be my oldest brother who left home right after high school because he and my father had an argument over the Peace Corps and an affair. Really, best to just say it all, right? Wow, Leigh, who needs TV with you around? She laughed. Wheres Devin? He was never away from her for this long. Hes getting me a proper nutritional meal, not from here. She rolled her eyes. What about the rest of your family? Oh, we dont see them too much. I was one of a lot of kids, and Im honestly not that close with my folks. How many is a lot? Eleven. Youre kidding me. I most certainly am not. She laughed again. We talked like that for a couple of hours. We ate popsicles and Devin came in to visit. Brian kept him distracted, and our conversation continued. I felt better than I had on treatment day one. Amazing. Well, Im outta here and I bet your time is almost up. Andy looked at the clock. Yep. Im just about done. I was more exhausted than normal, but less sick than normal. The day had passed quickly. So, Brian. She wheeled next to him. Can I see what youve been working on? Uh sure. He turned the computer so she could see. I could see it too. It was a poster for a band from somewhere near Portland that was starting to do really well. They were after promotional stuff. Brian had started an amazing mix of trees and guitars, simple black

silhouettes over a scattered blue background. Im impressed. Thanks. See ya! And she wheeled herself out the door. It was exhausting having an extra person in my room all day, but the distraction was so nice that Id take whatever payback I was going to get from it. --Payback was harsh. I felt terrible for days starting the next morning. Mom was up to visit as usual, and Nathan was home from school for the holiday that we werent celebrating. I felt like I did nothing but throw up for two days. We were only on number three. The thought exhausted me and weighed me down. Brian also had the week off but was playing catch-up in every area of his life that didnt involve school. Since wed moved Thanksgiving to the following week, Brian took the shifts at the bar that no one else wanted. I hated going to sleep without him at night. And no matter how careful he tried to be when he got home, it woke me. And he smelled like bar. Id be so glad when he didnt need to work that job anymore. Id closed down my online shop. I kept it open for downloads, but it became apparent that there was no way I could keep the store stocked. I felt like Id worked so hard to keep the momentum this fall, and it was crashing quickly. Just another reminder of the growing list of things I wouldnt be able to do for a long time. --Thanksgiving was scheduled for whenever Leigh was up to it. The reality was that I wasnt up to it at all. I didnt want it to come. Mom was persistent, and I finally agreed to celebrate exactly a week late. I didnt feel horrible. I didnt feel great. I didnt have a huge appetite. I was just there. I woke up Thursday morning and put on my best game face. How are you doing with all this craziness? Dad gestured around my small house. Okay. I tried to talk your mom out of it. I guessed it wouldnt be your favorite holiday to re-live. I forgot how perceptive my father was because he was so quiet. Its okay. Shes very happy. We both looked at her washing dishes in my kitchen with a smile. He nodded. Youre looking better than I expected. Dad said quietly as he sat. Really? I nearly laughed. My bald head was enough to throw me for a loop every time I looked in the mirror. How are things? Aside from the obvious? I asked.

Yes. Aside from the obvious. I partially felt like the cancer had taken over our lives, but in ways, all the basics were there. Nathan and I did homework. Brian and I slept next to each other every night. He loved me and took care of me. Brian is great dad. Im really, really happy and also really wishing that he didnt have to do this with me. Its part of being married, Leigh. The ones you love have to see you at your worst and do it with you. But you have to remember how good it feels to serve someone like Brian is serving you right now. Youll have years and years to return the favor. I hope so. I hadnt meant to let that slip out. He reached out and one of hands in both of his. You will. He meant it. How was your week in Seattle? I never did get to ask you about that. I bit my lower lip, trying to decide whether to say anything or not. That bad, huh? He smiled. No, its not that. We didnt go to Seattle. His brows rose in surprise. I figured mom would have mentioned it. Maybe she didnt want to tell my dad that Brian and I couldnt make it that far. We went to Portland to see Joseph. His face turned to stone for a moment and then softened. My dad was impossible to read. How did it go? Well, I met his wife and their two kids. Joseph and I talked for a short while together and then we came home. Its what I wanted. Dad nodded. I could read him well enough to see he was distracted. Did Joseph tell you why he left? Dad cocked his head slightly to the side to watch my face. I nodded. That wasnt a good time in my life, Leigh. I was a mess and I knew it was because I wasnt living the way I should have been living. When he talked about not going on his mission I was suddenly terrified that hed end up where I was. There was so much goodness in my dad. He was quiet and didnt say much, but what he did say was generally profound. It made so much more sense coming from my father. Hed had a long time to think about it. Joseph wouldnt let me explain, he continued. I tried, years later, after your Christmas cards stopped coming from Bolivia. Dad smiled. But I doubt he looked or read any of it. He only read my letters a short while ago, after their twins were born. I mean, I think hed read a few, but he finally sat down with them all. Im glad you did that, Leigh. It was good. If it ever comes up again, maybe you could relay my position. I will.

So, Leigh about Christmas. I have a thing like three days before dad. I mean, we have to do something for Nathan, but I cant handle a big deal. Thats generally my worst day. He nodded. And while were on topic. Can we not do presents this year? Just maybe for Nathan. Im not doing anything for anybody. I dont see how I can He held up his hand. I was going to tell everyone to write a letter to everyone else. Well all have fun getting stuff for Nathan. He hasnt been with Brian all that long, and Im sure he needs clothes and books. No boy his age can ever have too many toys. Dad smiled at Nathan helping Mom roll out piecrusts. I filled with gratitude. Thanks, Dad. Itll be good for all of us. His hand rested over mine. Im so proud of you, Leigh. You have a wonderful family here. Tears filled my eyes. I think so, too. I know youre unsure of how to deal with Nathan. Adoption. I nodded. I cant tell you what to do, Leigh. I will tell you that its rare for a parents rights to be stripped, but there were issues with Nathan and child services long before Brian picked him up from home alone. Im not saying that she does, or doesnt deserve whatever may happen with him. I am saying that it deserves some serious, prayerful consideration on your part. I will. Coming from Dad made it sound less horrible. That little boy loves you like you were his mom, Leigh. I can see it in everything he does. You may feel selfish praying for yourself, but youre not selfish if youre praying for Nathan. I leaned forward far enough to rest my head against Dad, letting my tears slide down my cheeks. Thank you, I whispered. Im so grateful to you and Mom. I know that I dont always tell you that. And I can sometimes be difficult Its okay. He put his arm around me then and gently squeezed me. Its what makes you our Leigh. In so many ways, I was a very lucky girl. --I know you didnt want to do today. Brian played with my hands in his. We sat crosslegged, facing one another in our bed together. I felt good, as good as I expected to before going in again. No, I didnt, I agreed. I think it was nice for your parents and your brother. Looks like you had a nice talk with your dad.

I told him about our trip. About what Joseph said. He explained the whole thing in a way that made it seem a lot less horrible. Good. Brian leaned in close to me and kissed me once. He told me to pray about what would be best for Nathan. Not just what I want, that maybe if I put him first, the rest will come. Also, good. Brians smile was wide. I think Nathans old enough for us to talk to him, let him in on the decision-making process, too. I nodded. Brians hands slid around my waist. My body reacted like it hadnt in a while. I smiled, leaned forward, and kissed him softly. I reached my arm around his neck and pulled him closer. Leigh I dont think But I didnt let him finish. I kissed him again. I took Brians face in my hands and looked at him. I dont feel perfect, but I cant not be close to you right now. He leaned forward and kissed me the way he knew I wanted to be kissed. He pulled me onto his lap and wrapped my legs around him. I dont think I can I started. Shh. You started this, and I just want to hold you like this for a minute. And kiss me for a minute. I smiled and put my lips on his. And that. And as his arms held me tight, and his lips pressed against mine, we were all that existed in that moment. I needed moments like those.

SIXTEEN Realizations The day after my parents left, Brian set me up in my hammock on the front porch. Nathan climbed up with a pile of blankets so I could read him stories. The little spots of normal helped the rest of what I was going through fade. At least for a while. Wed just finished our fifth book when I saw a car pull up in front of the house. Andy. Devin gently pulled her out of their car, and carried her up the stairs to the porch.

Hey there. I said. Why dont you join me on the hammock? I smiled. With a little maneuvering Devin set her on the hammock, her head on the opposite side of mine. There was plenty of room for the both of us and we really needed to be together under the blanket anyway. It may not be snowing or windy, but it was November and cold. Brian walked outside in his relaxed, happy way. My parents visit had been nice for him. I forgot often that he didnt have the family support I was used to. Devin and Andy. Brian smiled. Good to see you. Youre welcome to come inside. Im just finishing up lunch. Brian looked at Devin. We can let these two girls talk for a few. I made sure that Brians eyes caught mine before he went back in the house. Yeah, sure. Devin looked over at Andy as if he was uncertain. Just go. Andy laughed. Im right here. Okay. He nodded. Brian was handling my situation way better than that guy. Nathan followed them into the house. So, you found us, I said. Yep, no problem at all. She looked around. This is a pretty nice place, how long have you two been married? Since the end of July. Wow, thats it? Yep. Way to start a marriage, huh? Yeah, I agreed. What about you? Three years. I got my diagnosis just over a year ago and Ive done one round, and they thought they had it, but now its back. Wow. We didnt mention being sick again. There were other things to learn about one another. Brian brought us out lunch and pulled Devin back inside with him. He understood that we needed some time. Brians nice about space, huh? Most of the time, I answered. But I wish I could wipe that sad look off of his face. Oh She let her head flop to the side in exasperation. I know. Its horrible isnt it? Like Im already doing it, dont make me feel bad because you are, too. She laughed. Devin walked out to the porch a few minutes later. Wed barely had time to eat. I think maybe we should head home? He looked at her carefully.

Yeah, sure. She shrugged, looking resigned. Well, I guess well see you Monday. She gave me a huge wide-eyed fake smile and put her arm around her husband so he could carry her back to their car. Are you ready to come in yet? Brian asked. Yeah, Im probably colder than I think I am. I carefully slid off the hammock. I had to use Brian once to stabilize myself, but I had my legs to walk on. --After Nathan went to bed, Brian sat down and started diligently working, typing away on his laptop. I was deep in thought that still wasnt going anywhere. The TV was on, but I watched Brian, lost in attempted concentration. It suddenly hit me why I felt sad after my talk with Andy. How short a time wed been married. Brian shouldnt have married me. Hed had so much struggle and so much to overcome already. I was just one more notch of trials to endure. Why had I let this happen? Id known it was possible when we got together. I shouldnt have let anyone get attached to me, not for years longer. A wave of guilt washed over me. Brians eyes caught mine just before I looked down. He smiled softly at me over the top of his computer. What is it? My words came out in a whisper, You married the wrong girl. His face turned blank. He set his computer down and sat next to me on the couch. He reached out and touched my face with his hand. I tried to hold back a sob. He used his strong arms to pull us together. He laid my head on his shoulder and kept his arms around me. I married the perfect girl. I married the girl who could have done so much better and took me anyway. I married a woman who inspires me to be the best version of myself just by being her. I feel lucky every day to be the man next to you, Leigh. Nothing will ever change that. I shook my head. Just because you think you dont believe me, doesnt change how I feel about you. I closed my eyes, my head felt heavy. I sat there for a moment, trying to decide if I understood myself enough to explain. I love you so much. You shouldnt have to go through this just because Im going through this. It about killed me to see the sadness on the faces of my parents and the shock on my brothers. But to see the sadness in yours I leaned away of him to look in his eyes. I need you to know that the best place in the world will always be next to you. Im there until you send me away. Im so sorry, Brian. He pulled me against him with even more strength than before. You have to stop doing that. This, you being sick, this is what were doing right now. Were very lucky in that its not

the only thing were doing. We have lots of good stuff going on, too. I nodded. It just seems so unfair. Unfairness is the girl with more love and light than anyone Ive ever known having to do this not once, but twice. You tell me if you need a break from this. Were just getting started, we havent even gotten close to the really bad part yet. I heard him breathe in. He took a moment before speaking. The beauty of being married is that neither of us ever has to do anything alone. Thisll all be over before you know it. Besides, youre stuck with me. He kissed me on the top of my head. Im happy to be stuck. But that nagging voice was still there. The one that told me Id done this to both of us.

SEVENTEEN Fourth of Twelve I shared a room with Andy for my next day at the hospital. Brian worked on his computer for a while and drug Devin out for a walk or two. He never went far. I took my Zofran even though I hated it. Throwing up in front of other people was not something I wanted to do. At least it was helping my body stay stronger because I wasnt as malnourished as Id gotten last time. My recovery time felt longer, like I knew it would. Mom left on the Saturday after my Monday treatment, as was becoming standard. Brian was swamped, about to start his last finals week before being done with school. He worked at the bar, did some freelance design work, tried to be a student, a dad, and a husband to a very, very sick wife. It was too much. Guilt flooded me as he left for work on Saturday night, knowing what a long night lay ahead of him. I fell asleep long before Brian came home, but woke when he climbed into bed. I rolled toward him. Sorry to wake you, he whispered. You smell. I smiled in the dark. He laughed a little. I missed you here tonight. I hated going to sleep in an empty bed. How had I done it

before we got married? I hate that place. He sighed. I hate it more every time I go. Its a lot harder to be nice to people acting ridiculous when you dont want to be there. At all. Im sorry. I felt a weight rest on me. How much money could I have brought in to help our family if I hadnt gotten sick again? I feel like I He leaned forward and kissed me. Leigh, we have enough money. I could quit. I just want to make sure we have enough. I want the cushion you know? Youre taking good care of us, Bri. I want to take good care of you. Theres so much I wish I could do and cant so Im doing what I can. It seemed like he did everything. I scooted as close to him as I could and let him put his arms around me so I could fall back asleep. He carefully ran a hand slowly up and down my back. It was just Brian and I now, pressed close in our warm bed. Thank you, I whispered as I slid back into sleep. --Today was my last day of school. I am officially done with my degree! You have to come out with me and celebrate. Brian burst into our house with a wide smile. There were only a few days until my next treatment. I wouldnt feel much better than I did then. What did you have in mind? I asked. A nice dinner out with my wife. He leaned over and kissed me softly at first and then more deeply as our lips continued to come together. Your brother and Megan want Nathan for the night, so I have you all to myself. He smiled and kissed me again. If youre up for it. I think I am. A normal night out sounded perfect. I spent more time getting dressed than I had in a while. My clothes already fit a little loose. I really wanted to wear my favorite platform heels but with how weak Id been, it probably wasnt a good idea. I settled for a pair of boots, a pencil skirt that wasnt horribly loose yet and my very favorite grey cashmere sweater. I put on the little blond wig Id gotten for last time and looked myself over in the mirror. The hair was cute, short, and very blond. I felt normal. Something I never thought would feel this blissful. Wow. Brian broke out in a wide smile as I stepped out of the bathroom. He wore a dark suit of his, which just accentuated his height and broadness. I had to smile back. You look amazing. Its actually weird to see you with hair. Is it okay to say that? He laughed. Yeah, I had to check myself over a few extra times. I walked into the room. I just

wasnt in the mood for sympathetic stares tonight. People may stare, Im just warning you. He stepped towards me, slid his arm around my lower back and brought us close together. I closed my eyes. It felt good to stand next to him like this. It had been too long since wed taken this kind of time with one another. You are so beautiful. He leaned down and kissed me, so much more careful than he used to be. --We walked into the restaurant where Noah had proposed to me close to a year before. I was happy to be here with Brian, it was a great place with a beautiful view, and the opportunity to have good memories here swept away anything negative. As we were led to our table, I caught Noah and Amber out of the corner of my eye. Ridiculous. I felt nervous, anxious. Which was silly. It shouldnt matter, right? I just hadnt seen Noah since he proposed, and Id turned him down. I wondered if Id ever be rid of him. I leaned over the table toward Brian. Take off your jacket and roll up the sleeves of your dress shirt. What? He smiled, a little bewildered. Please? It was my favorite way to see him and, if Noah did notice us, it made Brian look his size. He did what I asked, still watching me with a puzzled expression. Kiss me. I smiled, leaning forward and resting my weight on my elbows. He did the same and happily obliged. Before he moved away I said, Look two tables back. He glanced over my shoulder. Well, what are the odds? He started to lean back, but I shook my head. One more before you go away. He smiled wide, and kissed me again. So, what would be fun he started. I could tell I wasnt going to agree. How mad would you be if I broke his nose? Brian. I tried to sound disapproving, but I couldnt help but smile just the same. So, are we going to stay here and pretend they dont exist? Or are we going to take off and eat somewhere else? I asked. Theyre getting up to leave. He sat back. I reached across the table again to feel his hands on mine. Noah wouldnt recognize the blond anyway. Leigh! I sighed. It was Amber. I cant believe we ran into you like this! And your hair! She looked happy. Again, ridiculous. So, the wedding has to be close, huh? I asked, trying to be polite. She pulled Noah to a stop next to our table. Two days! She looked like she might burst with excitement. Her hand was carefully and

perfectly placed on Noahs chest. Your hair Noah looked confused. Brian shifted a few times, like he was trying really hard to stay in his seat. I smiled. I felt so safe with him here. Yes, Noah, I said. Im a girl. We change our hair. He stared at me for a few moments, his eyes narrowed. But he looked at me with something else, maybe something of the way he used to look at me. And! Amber had more to say. It was like she was completely oblivious to the mood of the rest of us. Her voice got low. Noah has planned this huge surprise two week vacation for our honeymoon! Noah stood up a little taller then. What did you two do? Well, Brian planned a trip, but the thought of leaving the bedroom just sounded like too much trouble, so were saving the trip for another time. I winked at Brian and let my eyes shift back to Noah. I could see Brians wide smile from the corner of my eye. Amber giggled. Youre so naughty, Leigh! I cant believe you just said that! Told you, Noah whispered. That was it for Brian. He stood up inches from Noah. I really didnt care if he caused a scene or not, but he got up slowly, like he was saying hi to a good friend. Noah, you need to leave. Brian half-smiled at him and said it in a nice, quiet voice. The difference in size made me smile. The difference in stature had to do with more than just size. Noah, Im sure, took both into careful consideration. Or what? Noah asked back. But his voice didnt have the strength he intended. Or youll have to explain to your agent why your face is broken. Brian said it quietly while smiling. Ambers jaw dropped. After your conversation with m y wife the other day, you dont deserve the chance Im giving you right now. His smile disappeared. But I thought Amber looked confused. She looked at me and then back at Noah who was losing composure by the secondstanding too rigid and shifting his gaze and his weight. I sat back in my seat comfortably, and looked around at the restaurant. Brian was good enough to make it look like we were old friends, just catching up. No one looked our way. Noah turned to leave. Yeah. Brian patted him on the back. I didnt think so. I half expected Noah to turn around at Brians demeaning gesture, but he didnt. He didnt want the confrontation. Especially since he had to know that hed lose. Badly. Sorry. Brian smiled as he sat down. He took a deep breath in and then back out. I have always, always wanted to chase that man away. Dont be. I smiled widely at him. Im almost disappointed. I would have liked to see the

look of shock on his face if youd hit him. Well, lets get out of here then. He acted as if he was ready to stand. Im sure we could catch them in the hallway... or the elevator Brian gestured to the door. I shook my head. Thank you. For what? His face softened as he looked over at me. For making me feel safe. I stopped for a minute. For making me feel like nothing could touch me with you around. I wasnt talking about Noah anymore. For making me feel like if I could just stay in your arms that everything else would go away. He leaned forward. If I could make you better by holding on to you, if I could do anything you have to know I would do anything for you. I know. It was the best thing to know.

EIGHTEEN Fifth of Twelve The one just before Christmas Hey Leigh, check it out. Brian pulled his dog tags out. Were almost halfway. He slid the bracket up another notch. I tried to smile at him. Not quite halfway? Exhaustion filled me. How on earth would almost halfway make me feel better? Especially with how terrible I already felt? Andy and I both sat at the hospital on December twenty second, three days before Christmas. We shared a room, both in beds. Both wishing we were somewhere else. Anywhere else. Christmas should be fun this year. She looked over at me between the railings. A blast. I wanted time to speed up so it could all be over. Id written my letters, but it was hard not to make them sound like goodbye letters. You guys have plans? she asked. My parents insist on coming up. Theyre going to spend most of the day with my brother and his wifes parents, but Christmas morning is all at my house. Its only a few days away. I cant imagine feeling that great. Were going to my parents. Theyve invited everyone. It already feels like a goodbye

party, and I havent even gone yet. You could always take your own advice and sleep through the day, I suggested. She smiled. I probably will. Shoot, Im stuck in here tomorrow too, that gives me two days to recoup. Theres no way Im going to feel like playing nice by then. You crack me up, Andy. Im sure it wont be that bad. No, no, Im sure it will. She smiled back over at me. Yours doesnt sound too bad. Remember that it could be worse. It can always be worse, I said back. Well, thats mostly true. We lay together pretty quiet for the whole day. We turned on the hallmark channel, watched sappy movies, and tried to ignore what we were both fighting, how tired it all felt, and that we were supposed to be celebrating in three days. --Christmas Eve came and I felt worse than Id felt yet. Nothing I tried could force the nausea away and help me get to sleep. All day I was hot and cold and throwing up. No position helped. Nothing helped. Nathan stayed with Mom and Dad at Jaron and Megans house since Id gotten home from my treatment. Brian tried to stay calm, but hed threatened hospital several times. Id thrown up everything. I gave up trying to be anywhere but the bathroom. I lay down on the cool floor. Id missed the toilet once or twice so Brian brought me a bowl. I was so sick of looking at the inside of this bowl. It was going in the garbage can as soon as it wasnt needed anymore. Maybe sooner. Brian sat with me for a while, but it was more exhausting having him there than just lying alone on the floor. I threw up less by myself. Brian walked in with what felt like the tenth cold washcloth in an hour. Is there anything I can do? he asked as he sat down next to my feet. My head nearly touched the bathtub. I lay in the shadow of the toilet, my feet stretching out into the hallway. I shook my head. Ive taken a sleeping pill but cant sleep, Ive taken my Zofran, but my body still wants to throw up. Theres nothing left. Let me get you a blanket or something. I didnt respond, knowing he would. He was back in minutes and gently laid the blanket up to my waist. He knew I didnt like the heat on the core part of my body when I felt this sick. Im going to have your mom come over for a few, Brian said. I have to pee, he tried to tease, but I didnt have the energy to respond. I just want to spend a little time with Nathan, thats all. Thats fine, I whispered. My throat hurt. I stayed low and didnt open my eyes. Missing my first Christmas Eve with Nathan stung. Brian waited until Mom came through the front door before he walked out. I could hear their footsteps and quiet murmurs.

Hey, Leigh. My moms voice came from the hallway. Hot or cold? Hot. She didnt say anything else and handed me a hot washcloth. I let it lay on my head. I hadnt moved and hadnt opened my eyes. Dont move, dont say anything, she started. You can listen to me talk or you can ignore me. Just tell me if my talking bothers you, and Ill find a book to read. Okay. I didnt move. I didnt open my eyes. I kept my face on the cool floor and my arm around my stupid, stupid bowl. Its just a little after dinner time. I got it now. She was going to tell me about their night to distract me. It was Mom. She didnt need anything from me. I heard her sit down in the hallway. Nathan helped me all afternoon in the kitchen. Yours is much better equipped than Megans, but youre a much better cook than Megan. I smiled. She does just fine, but you cook like me. Moms tone was proud. So, Nathan helped me roll out pies. I let him design the tops of them. You would be amazed at the designs that kid came up with. I was sure Id be impressed. Hes such a wonderful little boy. So much like his father. She paused for a moment. So, Nathans been a big help. Jaron is so in love with that Megan, theyll be happy together. Theyre both such hard workers. She chuckled softly. Its somehow different with them than it is with you and Brian. Less passionate or something. I nearly blushed at that comment. I think it has to do with the depth of the experiences that both you and Brian have had. Im not sure. I love watching you two together. It makes me feel happy that you have something so special. I heard her shift around on her spot on the floor. Anyway, Im actually a little nervous about spending part of the day with Megans family tomorrow. Weve only met them a couple of times you know? She was quiet for a moment. I know this isnt the easiest time to have all of this going on. She paused again. Next year will be better. Im glad that even though your relationship with Brian and Nathan was different last year, that youll have that memory of your first Christmas together and not this one. This one sucks. She laughed again. That didnt sound like my mother. I want you to know how proud I am of you, Leigh. Its hard not being the one here all the time, but I cant imagine leaving you in more capable hands. I loved that my parents loved Brian the way they did. And now that Im looking ahead to tomorrow and Megans parents, its kind of odd to

think of Jarons relationship to them. It makes me glad that your father and I have the relationship that we do with Brian, and that he doesnt have nearly perfect parents to compete for time with you guys. Not that its an actual competition. I could hear her smile. Im just selfishly happy that were all you two have. I smiled again. It was always nice to hear your parents say something that didnt make you feel like they were hopelessly more perfect than you. I want so much for you. She breathed out slowly. You have to have some understanding now of how much I want to take this from you. How much I wish you werent doing this again. She stopped again, and when she started, her voice sounded different, lighter. Well. You dont want to hear that. I wanted to say that Im happy for the idea that you and your father had, about the letters. I think its probably been a good exercise for all of us. I wish I wouldve thought of it a little sooner. Think of all the Christmas letters we could have had from one another. I could practically hear the wheels turning. Think of all the Christmas letters well have if we keep doing this. Thanks, Lila. Brians voice again, just after the front door closed behind him. Hot or cold, honey? Mom asked. Cold, I whispered. I realized I hadnt thrown up since shed gotten here. That was a good sign. My medicine was finally kicking in. Thank you, Mom. Yep. She squeezed my foot, which stuck just outside the door. Give your boy a hug? Mom asked Brian. Yeah, Brian answered. Thank you. Love you, Leigh, Mom said. Love you, Mom, I whispered. Thanks. Brian walked her to the door. They spoke, but I didnt hear the words. It sounds like things might be looking up for you, Brian said as he came back to the bathroom. What about to eat? Maybe something sounds good to your stomach? Please dont mention food right now. I let my eyes open to see his face and his sweet half-smile as he looked down on me. What about I held my hand up and he paused briefly. As soon as I let my hand down he finished. A shake? I thought about that for a moment. I could almost feel the cool soothing liquid on my sore throat. It actually did sound good. I hadnt thrown up in a while. I was starting to feel like the horrible way Id been feeling may not last forever. He smiled. I found it didnt I? Something you could eat? I nodded. Im sure everywhere is closed, but I think we have what we need here.

Brian disappeared for a few minutes, and I took the opportunity to be alone. I wasnt alone often. I let my body completely relax, almost. It felt like if I completely relaxed, my body would start protesting again, and I couldnt imagine throwing up one more time. Brian sat down on the floor next to me. He knew if I wanted to move that Id ask. Straw or spoon? Straw. I propped my head up on the towel Id turned into a pillow. The thick shake felt just like I imagined it would. I closed my eyes, and then really did relax. I stopped and waited for my body to protest but it didnt. Thank you. This is really good. I caught his eyes with mine and he smiled. You look better. I nodded and took another sip. Probably because for the first time today, Im not throwing up into a bowl. Im sure that has something to do with it, he agreed. Let me move you out to the couch for a minute. Ill clean up the bathroom, change sheets and pillow cases. Ill help you get dressed in fresh pajamas, and you can come back and sleep well. Do you think you can move? Just be careful with me, I warned. Arent I always? He smiled back. I couldnt believe that he took care of me the way he did. I let Brian carry me out to the living room. He loved it when I let him do that. I loved his strong arms. He scrambled around in our room for a few minutes and came back out smiling. Ready? he asked. Yep. I was able to smile back at him now. The few calories helped so much, and the coolness of the shake calmed my body. He helped me into our room, into fresh pajamas and pulled my blankets up. Think you can sleep? he asked. Everything felt and smelled fresh and clean. Not sure. I dont know about tomorrow. He sat on the bed with me, facing me, his warm hand running up and down my arm slowly. I cant miss Christmas morning with Nathan. Ive already missed Christmas Eve with him. You missed Christmas Nope. Brian shook his head. Nathan barely noticed me. Theyre having a great time over there. Tomorrow, Im probably going to kick everyone out early, he warned. Okay, I agreed. You take good care of me, Bri. Im glad you think so, because Ive never felt so helpless in my whole life. It was the first

time hed really let me see the stress of the past few days on him. I wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. He tried so hard. I cant believe youre doing this with me. As opposed to doing what? Running and screaming. I tried to smile to show I was partially joking. He shook his head. Remember the scripture you shared with all of us at the beginning of you first year here? I tried to think back. From Ruth? He tried to prompt my memory. I smiled. whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge I remember. Good. Because that one has stuck with me. I felt peace and I felt Brians hand gently touching my arm and my back, trying to help me relax so I could sleep.

NINETEEN Christmas Christmas morning, Brian scooped me up in his arms and carried me out to the living room. My family had settled already, leaving me the couch to myself. Brian sat holding me on his lap. Best seat in the room. My body still felt shaky, weak, and almost Jell-o like from my treatment and from the past few days where I hadnt been able to keep anything down. Nathan crawled up next to us with a large dragon that had come from Santa Claus. Id missed some of his morning, but not all of it. He reached his small hand over and rubbed my head. I wanted to grab him and pull him onto my lap but didnt have the strength, not yet. I leaned my head back against Brians chest. His hands never left me. He stroked my arms, my legs, my head a constant reminder that he was here. Jaron and Megan sat close on the floor. Mom sat in front of Dad, leaning her back against his legs. Family. All good. All happy. We had a lot to be grateful for. We have a little family tradition where we read the Christmas story on Christmas Eve,

but were doing it this morning instead. Dad smiled and pulled out his scriptures. I loved my dads quiet mannerisms. He brought peace to a room more quickly than anyone Id ever met. Everyone knew why we hadnt done it last night, but no one said anything. Even Nathan sat quiet, listening. Dad opened up to the New Testament and read the story Id heard over and over throughout my youth. The story of Christ. My dads voice had the same low, quiet quality I remembered. I closed my eyes. It could have been last year; it could have been five years ago. The story was the same and my dads voice was the same. Now can we open presents? Nathan asked as soon as my dads voice stopped. Yes we can. Dad set his scriptures aside. Well, Im going to start breakfast. Mom stood up. I didnt move, and Brian didnt move underneath me. I tried hard to pay attention while Nathan ripped open presents with exclamations of excitement, but I could feel the queasiness creeping in, and my hands starting to feel shaky. I didnt want another day like Christmas Eve. Im going to slide up and make you a shake. Brian kept his voice quiet. He was good at reading me and what I needed. I nodded and he gently slid me over to my own spot on the couch relieved that I rarely had to ask for anything. The noise of pots and pans and people talking felt disorienting and loud not just in my ears, but in my body. I closed my eyes and let my head rest against the arm of the couch. Jaron kneeled on the floor in front of me. Walk with me to my bedroom? I asked. The noise continued to jar me. You want help? My shoulders slumped. Youre way behind on the lingo here, Brother. What do you mean? He held out his hands for me to take so I could get up. I mean thats code for can I help you or I need help. Okay. He still wasnt sure about what I said. He put his arm around my waist so I could lean against him. If I need Brians help somewhere I just ask him to walk with me. Its how he asks if I need help, too. I whispered the words. It felt like any more force than a whisper would shake my body. Thats very decent of him. Yes, it is. I smiled. Jaron walked me into my room. He lowered me onto the bed and then joined mea sure sign he wanted something. You were right, I said.

Great. He laughed a little. About what exactly? The day I got married, we were walking into the temple together and you told me that once I got married it wouldnt be the same. It changes things. He nodded. Yes, it does. I lay my head back on my pillow. I think its a little hard for Mom to turn that over to Brian. But shes still here helping. Yes, and we need her here helping. So, things with you and Brian are good. There were good, the warmth spread through me. Yeah, but Im worried about him right now, and theres nothing I can do. You can be good. He narrowed his yes, but his smile showed his tease. How about you and Megan? I asked, changing the subject. Were um having a baby. His smile spread wide, but he also watched me, watched my reaction. Wow. Does Mom know yet? The news slowly sank in. Theyd get to have a baby. We were just trying to keep me alive, and they were having a baby. My chest clenched tightly in an even mix of happiness and jealousy. Nobody knows yet. It was sweet of him to tell me first. Thats crazy. Youre going to be a dad. Well, look at you? Youre the mother of a five-year old! He laughed. Thats different. His voice turned quiet. Youre right. Its different. I reached my arms out to give him a hug. Congratulations. Youre going to be a great father, Jaron. I felt so happy, but it opened new wounds just the same. It was a hard thing to reconcile. Well, I gotta get going. Megans parents are expecting us, I still have breakfast to eat, and I would imagine that youd like a little peace and quiet. Yeah, I knew today would be a rough one with all the excitement, I agreed. He started to say something again and then stopped. Spit it out, Jaron. I still dont feel the same spirit around you as I did last time. Dont give up on that communication, Leigh. Take advantage, learn some more, leave us even further in the dust of your testimony, of what you know. Ill work on it. I slid down a little in my bed. Everything along those lines felt fuzzy. Have

fun with the in-laws. Take care, Leigh. Brian walked through the door with a shake in hand. He and Jaron shook hands, which turned into a man-hug before Jaron walked out. I concentrated only on not being sick. I looked over at Brian and wished that I felt healthier than I did. All I wanted was to take him in my arms and to feel him against me the way I had when we were first married. Right now, it felt as if it took all my strength to simply not throw up. Hows my wife? Brian smiled warmly. Terrified of having another day like yesterday. Brian sat on the edge of the bed, holding my shake between us. Youre already doing better than yesterday. Good to know. I took a tentative sip. The cool, thick liquid felt lovely on my throat. Can I join you for a while? he asked. Nathan? Nathan could care less what happens or doesnt happen in this house today. Those toys will keep him busy for hours. Brian adjusted himself on his side of our bed and scooted over next to me, leaning his back against the wall. I liked your dads reading. He does that every year? Every year I remember. I leaned on Brians shoulder and looked up at him. Nathan will have memories of you doing that too, if you want him to. And maybe our other kids as well. He reached over and touched my cheek carefully with his hand. I closed my eyes, and for a moment I could see us, sitting just as my parents had earlier today, our children and grandchildren in the room with us. The warm thought wrapped itself around me. Ive known that story my whole life, Brian said quietly. Its different this year. This Christmas. I think about Joseph, leading his hugely pregnant wife and not being able to find anywhere to stay, feeling so helpless and praying that someone would realize how special she was and take care of her. My favorite part of the story is in Luke where it shows Marys understanding a little better. She knew shed be taken care of. That part always hit me. Every year. Something passed between us then. We were talking about us, our story. And Mary knew. Brians deep eyes penetrated mine. Ill be okay. My safe answer. The one where I didnt have to lie and he could be comforted. He breathed out slowly. What if Id talked to your brother and knew your definition of

okay and mine werent the same? His eyes didnt waver. His lips pressed together and then his chin wavered when I didnt have an answer for him. I looked downsafe answer lost. My heart sank and Brian felt it. He almost lost his composure for a moment, I could hear it in his shaky breath. He gently put his hands on my face and looked at me. I want to know what you know, Leigh. I want to know what you feel when you pray. He wanted answers, any answers. I had none. I dont know. I dont know anything! I feel like Im swimming in the dark this time. Tears began to fall. Im afraid to listen to anything. Im afraid itll be something I dont want to hear or that Ill be told something that just isnt going to happen. It took me a few moments to breathe enough to continue. I love you guys too much. Im too clouded. I felt desperate for answers, but had none, and was afraid to look for them. Brian tried gently to move us closer together, but we were already close. We sat in silence for a while, listening to the happy noises of Nathan playing with my parents in the next room. Ive looked up to you since we met, he said. The weight on my chest grew. Im sorry Im letting you down. No, no, no, Brian backtracked. Youre not letting me down, Leigh. Thats not where I was going with this. I wanted to say that itll come back. The way you knew things before. Itll come back. He reached out and touched my face again. Maybe all you need to do right now is to find ways to feel the Spirit. Dont look for answers, just look for ways to feel good. He touched the center of my chest with his hand. I thought about that for a moment. So simple. See? I smiled but didnt move to look up to him. This is what it means to preside over our home and receive revelation for our family. He breathed out. I dont feel worthy of being able to do any such thing for you. Well, get over it. I smiled. Thats the most effective tool used against usmaking us feel like were not worthy of good things. I stopped, thinking. Im realizing right now how much I need you. It was all hard for me to admit. I love you. Brian slid his fingers up and down my back. I trusted him. Really, really, trusted him. My eyes closed and my head slid down in comfort. Even though Id just woken up, my body was pulling me back under. --I slowly opened and read each letter from Christmas. I stopped when I got to Megans.

Leigh, I wanted to start off by saying I think this idea from you and your dad was a good one. You have intimidated me since the first day I met you. You always do things with such confidence and you always look so good. Its like your outside really is a reflection of how strong and amazing you are. I was terrified when Jaron asked me out. I had liked him for a while by then, it just took me a while to realize it. Remember when I was bawling my eyes out on the couch because my missionary was finally home and then we broke up? I realized when I was around him that I didnt feel the same things as I did around Jaron and I didnt have any idea if Jaron felt the same. I thought about asking you but I was so worried that youd disapprove. I dont know if you noticed or not, but when you did the wedding dresses, I kept my two younger sisters away as much as possible. I was worried youd think less of me because of them. They really can be obnoxious. Jaron just laughed at me when Id suggest that you might not be thrilled with us getting together. Its been fun getting to know you, Leigh. I want you to know that I really do want us to be close, not just because I married your brother, but because we could be great friends. Now Im worried youll think that I dont think of you as a friend and I really do. Im sure there are days when you dont feel like youre handling all this mess of yours well, but you are. I just wanted you to know that Ive always looked up to you. Please, please, if you ever want me to just come over and keep you company or if you want Brian out of the house for a while, call me. Im a minute away and would love the time with you, Megan Tressman PS Ill never get tired of using that last name! I couldnt imagine being intimidating to anyone, especially not Megan. I made a mental note to call her soon and have her over. We wouldnt live next door to one another forever.

TWENTY Raising the Bar Whats up, Caroline? Brian said when he answered his phone. Like, walked out quit? He paused for a moment. Yeah, I mean the money would be nice, but I dont really want to

be away from home that much over the next few days No, I wouldnt make anyone do it by themselves Whats Mitch doing about it? Another short pause. Okay, well, thanks for the heads up, well see you tonight then. And he hung up. Wil walked out, so theyre short staffed at work. Im going to be busy for the next few days until Mitch finds someone else. Whos Caroline? I felt a twinge of something Id never felt with Brian before. One of the bartenders. Oh. I realized that I hadnt paid much attention to that job. The whole thing made me a little uncomfortable. It had been simply short hours for good money. I knew girls hit on him there; hed joke about it sometimes. It was somehow different that he worked with one. I felt upset for getting caught off guard. Ill call Josie to babysit tonight. I tried to sound teasing to mask the jealousy that I felt. Sorry, Leigh. He cocked his head to the side and rested his hand on my cheek. --So, I have news, Josie said smiling as she sat down on the couch with me. I waited. Well, you know Im eighteen and Im done with school. I finished last semester. Anyways, Im getting married and were moving to Cedar City because he has a scholarship at SUU and Im so excited! I had no words, no thoughts, only shock. The pause must have been longer than it felt. Hes a good guy, Leigh. Dont react like that. Her brows pulled together, probably concerned that I wouldnt approve. Its just so sudden, isnt it? I tried to recover. She shrugged. I mean, kind of, but we grew up together. I wrote him on his mission and when he got back a few months ago, we started seeing each other. Wow. It seemed like she couldnt possibly be old enough for that. And before you start, I can spare you the lecture. Weve both prayed about it a lot and I feel really good and Im really happy and I think, honestly, my parents will be relieved to have me taken care of. Wow, I said again. So, youll be moving away, just like that. Just like that. She smiled. Were getting married in Salt Lake. I know it will probably be too much for you to come, but I promise to write and tell you everything. Well come here. I reached my arms out for a hug. Dont forget all of us. Impossible. She threw her arms around me, but it felt like in a lot of ways shed already left. Or maybe that was just me. ---

Brian walked softly into our room sometime in the middle of the night. Im sorry to wake you, he said as I rolled over. Im used to it. I paused. Josies getting married. I hadnt been able to stop thinking about it. Oh, yeah. The bishops kid. You knew? I asked. Well, theyve been sitting together at church. I guessed something was going on. She just seems so young, and Ill miss her. I wondered if Brian would understand. Did I understand why it made me feel a little sad? Well, she was old enough for you to work with her. Its just weird. Youre a funny girl, Leigh. It made everything feel temporary, Josie leaving. Jaron and Megan wouldnt always live next door. Shoot, they were about to have a baby. Brian and I might be moving sometime soon. I didnt want anything to change right now. I sighed and rolled back over. You okay? Brian asked. Yeah. Ill miss her, thats all. It feels like a lot is changing. I didnt know what other answer to give him. He put his arm around me and ran his hand up and down my arm slowly to help me fall back asleep. --I wasnt ready to go to bed yet. Brian was at work again. Id insisted that I didnt need Josie. Nathan had gone to bed early so I sat on the couch alone and wishing Brians warmth was with me. It didnt feel weird not having him here during the day, but to be here without him at night was getting harder, not easier. Hed had this schedule since Id met him. At least on Friday and Saturday nights Brian was busy. Maybe if I just talked to him for a minute. Maybe that would make me feel better. Calling him there was a bit difficult because the bar was always noisy, but a little bit of Brian was better than none at all. His phone cut straight to voicemail. I sat on the couch chewing my lip. I didnt know what to do. Well, I couldnt really do anything. But as I sat and thought about him, I started to feel almost desperate to see him. Maybe I could just pop in and say hi. Id be lying if part of my motivation didnt have something to do with the girl he worked with. Mostly I felt uneasy, like things were sliding underneath and around me, and I didnt know how to make it stop. I felt okay, no nausea, and no dizziness. It had been forever since Id been behind the wheel of a car by myself. The independence would feel good. I sent Jaron a text to ask for his car, and help watching a sleeping Nathan. Then I started getting ready. Definitely a wig occasion. I was not going to be the bald girl at the bar.

As I pulled on my jeans I realized they were barely going to stay up. I probably should have kept some of my skinny girl clothes from last year. I took time to put on makeup and suddenly couldnt remember the last time Id done this. Probably when Brian took me to dinner. Whats going on? Jaron asked as he stepped through my front door. I cant sleep, and I just want to go say hi to Brian, thats all. But it didnt feel like all. I felt more anxious to have his arms around me every moment. Megan can come over and I can come with you, or Megan can come with you. He watched me closer than I wanted. I had no explanation other than I needed my husband. Im okay if youre okay to lend me your car, I said. This is the time in my schedule I feel the best. He handed me his keys, but he seemed hesitant, pausing before dropping them in my hands. Thanks, Jaron. I walked out the door. Brians work wasnt far but to be out by myself felt really good. I pulled as close as I could get, I still had to walk a ways. Two long blocks. I hadnt thought about that, and was exhausted by the time I made it to the door. I walked in and scanned the room for Brian. The small scattered tables were all full. The eight pool tables were in use. There were no seats left at the bar. A busy night. I saw Caroline first. She was exactly what I would have pictured. Fake blond, not done as well as Ambers, big smile, t-shirt knotted up to show just a sliver of tan abs. I sighed. Fortunately, it didnt take me long to find Brian. He was at the other end of the L shaped bar wearing his big friendly grin that kept him in good tips. He caught my eye and immediately went to the end of the counter, using a hand to jump over the swinging door on the end. Hey there. He smiled at me and pulled us together until our noses nearly touched. I missed you and your phone I started to explain. Yeah, it died, he explained. Everything okay? he asked. I didnt know how to answer. Come on back. Ill see if I can take a quick break. He took my hand and I followed him behind the counter. Hey, Brian! One of the guys held up an empty glass. Just a minute, just a minute. Brian chuckled. Dont move. He looked at me and pointed. I stood and watched. He filled the glass and did two other refills before coming back to my side. The busyness bordered on the point of insane. Caroline appeared around the corner of the L. I didnt know what to do with myself, what to say, what to think. This is my Leigh, Brian said.

Oh, hey! She held out a hand and I took it. You do exist. She laughed. Brian rolled his eyes. Get back to work, he teased. She laughed again and headed back the way she came. Brian eyes came back to mine. Theyve never met you, and you dont come hang out here, so the joke is that you dont exist. So, now I do. I felt the corner of my mouth pull up. Yep. He took my hand and led me to the back room. Hey Mitch, this is my wife, Leigh. We shook hands but I didnt really take him in. The whole environment smelled like smoke and felt, off, odd. I need ten? Maybe fifteen? Mitch headed for the door. Take your time Brian, but if youre going to do anything inappropriate, have the decency to lock the door. Brian chuckled. I blushed. Brian immediately locked the door when Mitch left and I could hear Mitch laugh from the other side. We stood in a small dark room with a desk and a few chairs. You could see out through the liquor bottles, two-way mirror, but the noise didnt carry. It was awkward, but at least Id made it there. Im happy to see you. His hand brushed my cheek. Me too. So, whats up? he asked. Im crazy, thats all. I just felt lonely and wanted to see you. I was suddenly worried about what hed think. Kind of pathetic, huh? I didnt want to be so needy. I think its awesome. He pulled me close and kissed me, when I didnt pull away he kissed me again, more deeply. We pulled away a little breathless. Definitely worth coming here for. Im a little worried about your lack of sleep. His head tilted to the side like it so often did when he thought about something. Well, you do it every weekend, I said. Im no help with Nathan in the mornings. I feel out of balance or something. I mean, I always want to be close to you but its like, I feel like I suddenly dont know how to be away from you. I rested my hands on his chest and he slid his arms around my lower back. Well, thats okay with me. He kissed my forehead and rubbed his hands up and down my arms. This job has kind of been my safety net you know? I think I could cover everything without it. Would that be better? I dont know. I loved the idea of him not coming in here anymore. Yes you do. Its written all over your face. He smiled. Just a little while longer.

Okay. Wow. Only a little while longer. Did it feel fair to want him to quit this? I looked around the dingy office. This wasnt a good place for him to be. I didnt want to be here. So, while the doors locked he smiled. He sat down on the desk and took my waist in his hands. Its nice seeing you like this. Out and about. Its nice being out and about, I answered back, slowly breaking into a smile. He brought me closer to him and kissed me again. The way he held me put a knot in my stomach that I hadnt felt in a long time. I pulled him closer, kissing him again. Times up, Bri! Mitch knocked on the door. Ill take you to your car. He sounded as breathless as I felt. He put his large arm protectively around me as he led me out of the small office. How did you get here? Jarons car. That was nice of him. Brian elbowed our way to the front door, not paying anyone any attention, even though more than one person called his name as we passed. I wish you could come home with me, I mused as we stepped outside. Well, itll slow down pretty quickly in there. Ill be home before you know it. He squeezed me closer. Carolines pretty. I watched my feet. Brian chuckled again. Ah, so thats the real reason you came down. No, I mean, I dont know. Mostly I missed you. I couldnt describe the feeling. But that was part, he said again. I shrugged. We stopped at Jarons car and I leaned my back against the drivers side. There is absolutely nothing there. He looked into my eyes making sure I understood him. I cant imagine wanting anything from any woman besides you. Okay. I smiled at him. But it was just part. Of course. He opened my door to let me in. And as sad as I was to leave, he was at work, and I needed sleep. Brians form was in my rearview mirror until I drove around the corner. His arrival home woke me just like it did every other night. Just like the night before, he pulled us together and ran his fingers up and down my back until I fell asleep. It was enough. It should have been enough, but I still wanted more of him. Of something.

TWENTY-ONE Sixth of Twelve Tell you Something Andy and I tucked our beds close together. Devin sat on her side with a book and Brian was on his laptop. Hed just gotten an assignment from the Seattle guys and wanted it to be perfect. I wanted it to be perfect, too. The more design work he got, the easier it would be for him to quit his other job. Hed put in his two-week notice at the bar and had spent a lot of time praying for work. Here we are! First treatment of the new year! I rolled my eyes and smiled at Andy. I whispered so shed know she could do the same. Devin is more nervous by the day. She sighed. Its exasperating. If I do the littlest thing, he jumps. He loves you, thats all, I said. I know, but I really just need a little space, not a lot, just a little. Watch this. She made herself cough twice and Devin was on his feet. I didnt approve, but it was hard not to smile just the same. You okay? He touched her arm. Fine, honey. She looked back at him with a thin smile. He sat back down and shifted around, re-adjusting the book hed had on his lap. Do you see? She opened her eyes wide. Once again, I held in my smile. I couldnt remember the last time Id smiled so much. Real, genuine smiles. Can I tell you something? she whispered. Of course. Im only doing this for Devin. What? I was confused. All this. She looked around. They didnt get it the first time. Theyre not getting it this time. Chances are like fifteen percent, maybe ten. Hes shooting for the magical ten to fifteen. And youre not? My heart sank. How could she not be praying for that? I hadnt given much thought to the seriousness of her condition. She was so witty and fun that it didnt come up between us. Andy was way too strong to just die. She shook her head. Im sure. I knew my time was limited. She didnt sound worried at all. That had been me last time around. I had been honestly okay with any outcome. Things were different now.

How can you be sure? I asked. I couldnt be without Andy. Couldnt. I just know. Havent you had times when you just knew something? I nodded. The first time, as soon as treatments were over, and they said I had no more cancer I knew I was done. I paused. And now here I am. The thought crushed me again. I closed my eyes and tried to take a few slow breaths. Crying didnt feel like an option. Oh. I dont trust that voice anymore. I paused. So, thats my something I needed to tell you. It all crumbled on me, saying that thought out loud. It had never completely had a chance to formulate into a thought in my head. My chest caved. Because you havent told anyone else. Right. Hey, did you see that new cartoon? The one with that red-haired girl? Her regular smile came back, just like that. Once again, my day passed surprisingly quickly. --Brian pulled out his dog tags in the car on our way home. Check it out, Leigh. Were at the halfway point! He showed me the place where hed moved the small bracket over. Yeah. Halfway just seemed like this was all happening depressingly slow. We rode together in silence. Youre very quiet, he noticed. Im always quiet after a day like today. That felt true enough. I wanted to pray for Andy, but it felt like my prayers were ineffective. The quiet voice wasnt talking to me, and I didnt know why. This is a different quiet. Cant help you there. Sorry, I lied. When youre ready to talk, let me know. He put his hand on my thigh and gave me a small squeeze. He didnt believe me. Im worried about what youll think of me. More like ashamed. Dont. I thought for a while, unsure of how to begin. I felt a sense of dread coming into all of this, because I knew what I was getting into. Now I feel like things are slipping. Megan and Jaron are having a baby, Josies getting married and moving away, our future is a little uncertain. So much, and not just so much, but it felt like everything was changing. Whats uncertain about our future? Brian asked. I dont knowjobs and where well live. That kind of thing.

But were good. Yes. I answered. That felt good to say. Were good. But it makes me realize how dependent I am on you. And thats a good thing, right? he asked. Im dependent on you, on you being close to me and wanting me there. Well, I guess so. But the other night? I mean, youve worked that job since Ive known you. Its never bothered me before and that night I just had to see you. And I liked it very much. His hand rubbed my leg a few times. I stopped for a moment. Andy asked me today if there was ever a time when I knew something. Really, really knew it. Do you know what I thought of? Hm? After my treatments last time, I went in for my doctors appointment and they told me it was gone, all of it. I knew right then that Id never have to worry about it again. I knew. I knew I was cured. And now here you are. Understanding kicked in. I watched him fall. And now here I am, I said back quietly. He drove silent for a few minutes, thinking. Did it ever occur to you thats what you needed to hear just then? So you could get better? What if you felt like it was going to come back a year later, what would you have done? he asked. I hadnt thought of that. Its just hard to trust a voice that once led you astray. Dont you see, Leigh? If it made you well enough to do it the second time, it didnt lead you astray. It told you youd be okay so you lived your life like youd be okay. He stopped for a moment. It brought you to me. He reached out and touched my face. And it made you strong. You saw Joseph and met your niece and nephew. It brought you Nathan. Almost. What do you mean almost? I mean, Im not sealed to him. We havent adopted him. Hes not mine. Well, why dont we see if we can fix that? What? That was a dead end road. Nathan is due for a visit to his mom. I was thinking sometime over his Christmas break but that sort of escaped me. Lets wait until youve had almost the full two weeks to recover and then well head out. Theres no way shell sign all that stuff we need her to sign. Youve already tried. She might. He exhaled. Ive left her alone about it for a while. Maybe the reality of her situation has hit her and shell change her mind. I still think I can gain full custody without her.

Youve been thinking on this. Ive been thinking on this since the day I told you I loved you. And that was the best thing he could have said. --The week began to pass in a haze of wretchedness. I had two days in a row like Christmas Eve, maybe more. Brian paced and once again threatened hospital. He begged for something to do to make me more comfortable. There was nothing to do. Mom barely stayed on top of laundry and food. I alone kept her pretty busy. Brian helped, of course, but I needed someone almost constantly. In the middle of all thatof being so weak I could hardly move and constantly throwing uptime meant nothing. The days of horribleness crawled by. When the weekend came along, Id been able to keep down a little frozen yogurt and some shake. The whole week. All I did was suck the time and energy out of everyone around me.

TWENTY-TWO Prison I rested my feet on the dash. Brian had finally relented and let me come, so I sat outside the womens prison while he and Nathan went inside. I wanted to see my parents at their house anyway. I felt holed up in mine most of the time, and there was still this desperate need to be close to Brian. He understood, so there I sat. I was bored, but didnt mind too much. At least there was something to look at. I got out of the car and stretched. It felt good after the long drive. They stepped out of the doors after an hour or so, and Brian looked slumped over, defeated. I tried. Sorry, Leigh. He shrugged and held the small folder with the papers he and Dad printed off. Give me those. I stretched out my hand. What? He stopped walking. Let me try. Ill be right back. At this point, I didnt really see what it could hurt. You want to go in there? Brian opened his mouth to protest further, I wasnt going to hear it.

Nope. I smiled. But Im going to. We were all on the visitation paperwork. I could go in. Please be careful with yourself. Youre probably more tired than you realize after that long drive. He started to follow me, but I kept walking, papers in hand, determined to move things forward. Id never been in a prison before. I checked myself in on the roster. Theyd had my name on file since Brian proposed, just in case Brian couldnt bring Nathan. I dont think Brian thought Id ever actually use my ability to come in. I followed a guard into a small room. The door closed behind me, and we waited for several minutes before the door in front of us opened. I was in jail, no going back now. Not without the same process. I stood at the edge of large room that looked like a cafeteria. I wondered what kind of prison had a small table with a glass separation and small phones, its actually sort of what I expected. Instead, we were all in here together. The prisoners were easy to pick out, all of them dressed in blue. I was led to a chair at a table and given a sheet of the rules. No touching, no passing items back and forth without previous approval etc Id never met her before. Id seen a few pictures, but I wasnt even sure if Id recognize her. What was I thinking? I did recognize Amanda as she got close. She was pretty, despite looking tired. She had a bit of a sulky look on her face and bright blond hair that was swiftly growing out, exposing the brown roots underneath. Wow. So he wasnt lying. She said as she sat down, giving me the once over. What? I just figured that he was lying when he said his new wife had cancer. She chewed on her gum and shrugged unapologetically. Maybe I just shaved my head. I looked at her evenly. No, its more than that. You look sick. There was something juvenile about her movements, like the surly teenager checking out her moms new friend. Thanks. So, you came in all by yourself to meet the ex-wife. She smirked, her thin cheeks pale from being inside all the time. Something like that. Im not giving up my son. I wouldnt either. I stopped for a moment. I didnt know what I should say to her. We sat and stared at each other in silence. Brians changed a lot since we were married. She looked at me evenly.

I bet he has. We both still watched each other carefully. He was a disaster, all we did was go out and party and then when Nathan came along, he was completely clueless. Id send him to the store and hed come back with the weirdest things. She rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair chewing her gum, trying hard to look like she didnt care. But she watched me too close for me to buy that. I smiled a little. I remember him saying once that when he came home the simplest stuff was overwhelming. She stopped chewing. He changed a lot when he joined your church. Most people do. I hadnt seen it myself, but I had been around enough to understand that I lived my life differently from the people around me. I realized that she might see me as the woman who was living her life or at least as the woman who was living the life she could have had. I was married to the man she once had, only a better version of him, and I had her son. More than that, I was asking her to give her son to me. I honestly dont know what I would do if I was in your position right now, I said. I took a deep breath in and waited for something to come out. The look on Brians face since I got my diagnosis is horrible. Really. Theres nothing he can do to take it away and theres not a whole lot he can do to make me more comfortable. She watched me carefully now, losing some of the faade she wore when she first sat down. This is the first time that he felt like he had a chance to do something for me. I stopped again. I cant imagine anything more terrifying than being separated from my children. I cant imagine it. But I dont have any kids. Youre Nathans mom. Nothing will ever change that. No piece of paper, no court orders, no crazy Mormon sealings. Youll simply have to trust me. She raised an eyebrow but still listened. You will have to trust that I will continue to send you your sons school work in the mail so you know what hes doing and that I will continue to pick up the phone each and every time you call and that I will continue to spend money we dont have for him to see you. She never called, but still needed to know I wouldnt stop it. This is a big deal for you, isnt it? She was thinking. Hard. I nodded, and my throat swelled up. It was all the answer I could do. We sat in silence for a few more moments. She leaned back in her chair again, folding her arms in front of her. She knew we could just take him. I was sure Brian would have threatened that. Probably every time they talked. She looked at everything but me. I held back tears from thoughts of that little boy we loved so much, wondering if she was doing the same. I wasnt sure what shed do. Shed be in here for another ten years at least, thats what Brian said. Shed already lost. She knew shed lost the chance to watch

her son grow up the way she could have. I was asking her for even more. Nathan is she sighed. Brian wants to just take him, you know that? I stopped him. Oh. She chewed her bottom lip. I know I wasnt a good mom to him. I mean, I know moms are supposed to feel a certain way, to want to give everything over. I guess thats why Something told me to keep quiet. I didnt know what to say, or how to change things. I couldnt think of anything I wouldnt do for Nathan. Ill sign the papers. She sat up, not looking at me. She pulled them from underneath my hands and I watched her find all the highlighted marks. She signed each and every one. She stared at the papers. I dont like to feel like Im losing. I know that kid shouldnt be a power struggle. But dont I wont tell Brian anything. I didnt know if thats what she was after or not. I dont believe in any of that crazy Mormon crap anyway. She added on the last sentence in a hard voice. I promise. I nodded. Thank you. You have no idea I shook my head. She stood, turned, and walked away before I could say anything else. I knew I should be elated, but I felt confused as I walked back to the door that led outside. She could still change her mind. I had no doubt that shed get some phone calls and things still might not work out right. A part of me also felt guilty. Could I take Nathan to the temple if I felt guilty? I wasnt sure. I just wanted out. Back in Brians arms. It took ten minutes just to be led back out of the doors. Brian stood outside the car while Nathan played in the rocks in the median. I walked straight to Nathan. I love you. You know that? I squeezed him tightly. Yes. He giggled in my arms. We ready to go? Brian asked. He had to be bursting with questions but kept quiet as he helped Nathan get settled into the backseat. As soon as he finished getting Nathan settled, Brian put his arms around me and we stood pressed together. So, I was going crazy out here the whole time. How was that? She signed the papers. What? He pulled away from me, staring. I let out a slow breath. I feel horrible about it, but she signed them. Why would you feel horrible? Because I feel like Im stealing him away from her.

No, she has a part that will never be taken away. Now you can too. He took my face in his hands and kissed me. If she wasnt in jail Id be fighting in court for him right now. Actually, if she wasnt in jail, youd have been able to adopt him by now because I wouldnt have stopped the process. Thank you, I said quietly. Lets get out of here. Lets. We rode in silence for a few minutes. It was odd. Seeing her, I said. Yeah. I bet. He smiled at me. It was weird having you in there and me out here. I always figured that if you two met, Id be around, you know? Me too. Brian studied the road too carefully as if trying to decide whether or not to voice his thoughts. Our marriage may have been new, but I knew him well. Just say it, Bri. I pulled my feet up onto the seat and he laughed. I really wanted to do that for you. Well, maybe now you realize that things we do together are a lot easier than things we try to do on our own. Id started to feel a little smug. He looked at me intently for a brief moment. You remember that, Leigh. Oh right, that probably applied to me, too. --I felt better than I had since before Id gotten sick. Most of it had to do with accomplishing some-thing we thought might never get donehaving signed papers from Amanda felt like a sort of victory. I felt like a normal person for the first time in nearly four months. When we walked into my room, I shut the door behind us and flipped the lock, giving Brian a smile. Your parents are downstairs. He cocked a brow. I nodded. And Nathans still awake. I leaned up on my tip-toes and kissed him. And you have to be tired. I am. I pulled him towards me and kissed him again. I crawled back into my bed and he followed. We kissed a few more times, but his warmth and my exhaustion slowly started to pull me under. Brain held me gently in his arms until I

fell asleep. It was becoming a routine I hoped would never change. --Our drive home on Saturday was long and exhausting. It felt nice to be in church on Sunday, even though I already know wed only be here for sacrament. We sang the hymn that had gotten me through my illness last time, More Holiness Give Me. I opened my mouth to sing, but my throat was raw, tired. I silently listened to the words, which wasnt at all the same. I rested my head on Brian in defeat. He set the hymnbook down and put both arms around metotally understanding my frustration. I suddenly just wanted to go home. One thought ran through my headI was fading away. My ability to do small things on my own. My hair. My voice what would be next until I completely disappeared?

TWENTY-THREE Group Leigh? Megan popped her head in my front door. Our oven is broken. She frowned. I was hoping we could use yours? For dessert? Sure. Id been meaning to talk with Megan since Christmas anyway. Hey, that sounds like an invitation for the boys of this house to get out of here for a while. Brian stood up. Well let you know when the cookies are done. I watched he and Nathan grab their coats and walk out the door. Well, I brought most of the stuff with me but I left the recipe behind. Megan sighed as she set ingredients on the counter. What are you making? I asked from my perch on the couch. Chocolate chip cookies? That ones up here. I tapped my head. Youre kidding me. Her shoulders slumped. Nope. I smiled. I gave her the list of ingredients and she frantically wrote. Im glad youre here, I said as she got the last bits down. She stopped and immediately looked up.

Ive been meaning to have you over since your Christmas letter, I explained. Oh. She flushed and began mixing her first couple ingredients. I just know how busy you are and how tired you must be with all that baby growing. There really was no good excuse as to why I hadnt spoken with her yet. Yeah. I cannot fathom anyone, ever, being intimidated by me. I felt my cheeks redden at the thought. Are you kidding me? She stopped stirring and turned around to look at me. Everyones intimidated by you, Leigh! That cannot possibly be. I shook my head. You just have no idea what you radiate. She shrugged. Its like missionaries. We all like having them around because of the nice spirit that they bring, but they look disbelieving or something when we bring it up. Youre just so confident in the things you do and how you move, everything. Well, youre not that way at all. Youre totally approachable and people love you for it. Thanks, Leigh. She walked over to the couch and wrapped her arms around me a hug. I really felt it. Her. My brothers wife. There was nothing but goodness in Megan. Hey, I was thinking. I said, looking at her. I want to try to find a way to get Brian out of here for a few days. Why? she asked. Is he driving you crazy? No. I fought for a way to explain in a way shed understand. All of this is wearing on him. He needs a break. I dont think he wants one, Megan disagreed as she stepped back into the kitchen. Just a few days, he looks terrible, I insisted. Hes worried about quitting his job and money and me its just a lot for him right now. And when was the last time you looked in a mirror? Megan asked as she raised an eyebrow at me. I try not to. I stared back. Well, actually Megan shifted her weight to one leg, thinking. The doctor I work with is taking almost a whole week off. They offered me other shifts at the clinic if I wanted, but I turned them down. Maybe Jaron, Brian, Nathan and your dad could all get together? You and I can hang out because I wont be at work. Itll be fun! she added. Lets try to set it up okay? Im worried about Brian. If I could give him a vacation, even a short one, Id feel a lot better at how he was taking care of everything. Not nearly as worried as he is about you. I knew that. Its why I wanted him to get a break for a few days, get some breathing

room. Get Nathan out of here for a while. I lied deeper into the couch as Megan continued working in my kitchen. I heard her call the boys to come over, but I felt like I was drifting to sleep. Brian picked up on my exhaustion and sat close. He definitely needed to get out of here for a while. Nathan climbed onto my lap. I loved having him here. I listened in on the conversation but didnt speak. I felt hopelessly out of touch in the lives of my friends. Ready for bed? Brian leaned over to whisper in my ear. Sorry, but yeah. Megan bit her lower lip in concern as Brian lifted me off the couch. My legs were just strong enough to hold me after our long weekend. Thanks for coming guys. I hope I feel good enough to do it again in a couple of weeks. I gave the room a half-wave. Night, Leigh. Im sure everyone said something to me, but it all sort of fuzzed out as Brian half-carried me to our room.

TWENTY-FOUR Seventh of Twelve After such a busy week I had a bit of a runny nose when we arrived at the hospital on Monday for number seven. Sorry, hon. You cant room with Andy, not if youve got the sniffles. Tory pressed her lips together in apology. But After having that friendship there, I couldnt imagine spending a day in the hospital without it. Not happening. If you feel okay to move around a little later on in the day, well put a mask on you and you can visit from the doorway. Fine. I frowned. No one said I had to be happy about our new restrictions. I sulked a bit as she set me up with my IV and popsicle. Tory followed up on her promise. After a few hours, she came in and dressed me in scrubs, put on a mask and gloves and let me go in to see Andy. Just getting ready to go over there nearly did me in. Andy looked beyond pale. She looked how Id felt at the very end of my last set of

treatments. She had not had a good couple of weeks. Wow, Leighs moving around during treatment time. She teased from her bed. Yeah. Amazing, huh? I looked down and tried not to throw up as the floor moved in waves underneath me. How you feeling? Terrible. I smiled and sat on a chair near the door. I wasnt allowed any closer. Ill give you girls a few minutes. Devin tried to smile as he walked out of the room. Im going to break the rules now, I warned. Dont break the rules, Leigh. Her voice wasnt the crisp, witty voice I was used to. Sorry. How are you? I asked. Oh, Leigh. I could feel her roll her eyes from across the small room. Youre not allowed to ask that. You asked how I was feeling. I was indignant. Well, thats because you were doing something that was so obviously out of your comfort zone. Her voice had a bit of the same edge that Id gotten used to. I know, I know. But I want to know how you are. Look at me. She stopped. How do you think I am? I didnt want to look at her, not really. Not good. Okay, so now I get to break the rules and say that you look good. I smiled. Youll never believe who I met this past weekend. She smiled a little then. Brians ex-wife. I waited for her reaction. In jail? Yep. And how was that? she asked. She signed the papers so we can adopt Nathan. No way! Even her tired face radiated excitement. Yeah, Brian tried first and then I went in by myself. I still felt proud for accomplishing something so far out of my comfort zone. To the prison? she asked. Yeah, it was bizarre. Wow, so good girl Leighs been to jail. She laughed. Yeah, I guess I have. I smiled at her. This was the Andy I was used to. Anyway, she

signed it all. So now you have to deal with all the court stuff and then all the church stuff and hope you feel good enough to go to the temple, right? Thats pretty much right. I nodded. Were going to shoot for just before my next relaxing day at the hospital. Ill tell you all about it. Im really happy for you, Leigh. Her forehead wrinkled. But itll probably take longer that that. How long could filing a few papers take? My stomach continued to turn and I knew if I stayed in there much longer I was going to lose it. The nurse would probably have a fit if Leigh with the sniffles threw up in Andys room. I knocked on the door and Brian opened it. See you, Andy. I waved. Wimp. She smiled. See you in two weeks. She closed her eyes then and let her head relax off to the side. Brians eyes had such dark rings that it looked like he hadnt slept in a week. I didnt know what do to for him. Dont give me that look, Leigh. Im fine. Its you were worried about. His fingers touched my cheek. Im moving around, see? Peachy. I tried to smile. Right. He rested his arm around me carefully to help me back to my room. --I was just past my worst daysa couple of days after getting home. I stood up to walk to the bathroom and I was so dizzy that I fell back to sitting on the bed. Brian? I called out. No answer. I knocked on the wall. If you couldnt hear someones voice, you could usually hear knocking. He appeared in the doorway in a second. Hey, what can I do with you? He smiled. Shower? Awesome. He smiled wider. Ill be right back. You know I feel terrible, right? I was suddenly worried about what hed expect. He turned back towards me. I know. He gave me this look that said I was being silly. He walked to where I sat on the bed and held out his hands. I pulled myself up and into him. He put his arms around me for a minute before walking with me to the bathroom. He always took his time. Always made me feel like I was where he wanted to be. Okay, now Ill be right back. He walked out into the living room. Nathan? I need you to keep watching your show and stay out of trouble for a bit. I need

to help your mom in the shower. Mom. Okay, Dad. I stared at Brian when he came in and out eyes met. I wasnt sure if he realized what hed just said. Im sorry, he said realizing what I was reacting to. Was that ok? I nodded. Tears formed at the edges of my eyes. I wanted it so bad. What is it? he asked when I didnt respond. Its just that I imagine the only thing worse than not being able to have your own children is having your own children taken from you. Would I ever not feel guilty about this? Its not like that, Leigh. She took herself away from her child and didnt take good care of him when she did have him. Besides, you have her permission, you have it in pen. Who would say no to this? I pointed to my head. I think youd be surprised. He was still shocked shed signed. I should just feel lucky. Besides, this is about Nathan, and whats best for him, and its what he wants. Okay. I really needed to focus on that. Maybe because I was so desperate for my own children, I couldnt understand how someone wouldnt do everything in their power to keep their own as close to them as possible. Can we shower now? He asked smiling at me. Yeah. Brian seemed almost unfailingly optimistic. I hoped that never changed. --So, you and Nathan leave tomorrow right? I asked. Brian, Nathan, and Jaron were all packed and ready to leave for their three-day camping trip with my dad. I still dont know if I can go. Brian shook his head. My dad and Jaron will be so disappointed. He needed out of here so badly. Youre just worried about me and want me out of here for my sake, not yours. I dont like it. He frowned. I need to feel like youre not here wallowing with methat some part of your life doesnt involve this mess. Itll make me feel better about asking you do things when you get back. I smiled, hoping hed pick up on my willingness to be a good patient. Well see. He frowned again. You have to promise to call, even if its the littlest, more trivial thing in the world. Deal. I smiled.

Brian gave Megan this long list of things for me and about me. It was ridiculous. I used to think my mom was bad. She didnt hold a candle to Brian. My time with Megan was a blur of movies and her begging to feed me. I felt more tired than I wanted to be, but I wasnt throwing up. Brian called to check in way too often and we both teased him about it. It felt normal. It felt like, if I wasnt sick, this is what Megan and I would do together when the boys went out of town. Watch funny movies, eat ice cream, and sleep in. I woke up Sunday morningBrian had made it all three days. I stood up to pee and a wave of dizziness hit me. The floor came up at a drastic angle and I caught my arm against the doorframe. The whole force of my body hit the edge before I slid to the floor. I laid still for a moment, waiting for a sharp pain, but none came. I wasnt badly hurt. If I hadnt been sick, Id have gotten a small bruise. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of chemo is bleeding and what should have been a small bruise on my shoulder turned in a huge purple mass covering my whole upper arm. Brian would have taken me to the emergency room. Megan was nice enough to take me to Dr. Wattss office instead. --Well, Leigh, its nice to see you outside of the hospital. Dr. Watts sat on his stool and gave us each a smile. This is my sister in law, Megan. I introduced them. Jarons wife. He nodded. Youre paying attention. I pointed at him. Thats good. I try. He scooted his chair closer to me. Okay, lets see what you did to yourself here. I unzipped my sweatshirt to show my very purple, swollen arm. Wow. He nodded. What does the other guy look like? he tried to tease. The other guy is my door frame, and unfortunately, I didnt leave a mark. Though, I may change that when I get back home. I smirked. Watts laughed. He gave my arm a careful look over and we went down a list of things to watch for. He shifted nervously, but he nearly always looked like this around me. I was perpetually suspicious, but part of me registered what he said to me often, that I was one of his favorites and he didnt like treating favorites. Well, keep it up, keep it cold, not too cold, if anything changes, anything, no matter how small, go to the ER. Understand? I nodded. Heres a sheet for you to take home. Wheres Brian? I forced him out of town for a few days.

Well, you wont be able to convince him to do that again, will you? Definitely not, I agreed. Ill leave you two. I need to use the restroom. Megan laughed. I watched her go. So, since I have you in here all alone, how are you? Dr. Watts asked. He watched me, carefully reading my expression. It all hit me suddenly, and I wasnt sure how to answer. I sat in silence for a minute. There was no fooling Dr. Watts. There was this earthquake in Seattle when I was a kid. Like 1999 or 2000? It lasted for a while. It felt like whatever was underneath the dirt was made of jell-o. Thats how my life feels right now. I was amazed Id gotten that out. He nodded. Everything feels temporary. It had only hit me in small bits until hed asked that simple question. You know, Leigh. Most people in your situation are on anti-depressants and seeing a counselor. I havent suggested it yet because Ive felt like youve been on top of things, but maybe its time for that. Im going to send in a scrip. Ill let you know if I need it. I didnt like the idea. How would it change me? What would it change? He watched me for a minute. Does Brian know how you feel? I think so. I mean, we talked not all that long ago about how things were changing and going to change. Theres a lot going on in everyones lives right now. Youre at that age where peoples lives change. They get married, they have kids, they move. Theres a lot going on. Thats a good thing for you. You have a lot to look forward to. He held my eyes with his for a moment. Yeah, but I wish nothing would change until I feel like I have some control over my body. I cant pretend to understand what youre going through, but I do want you to know that I hear similar things from almost all of my patients. So Im not crazy? I teased. Not yet, no. He smiled. Well see you Monday. Yeah. I sighed. Another Monday, another treatment. Andy was the only thing to look forward to. Dont worry, Leigh. Well get you through this. Was he convincing me or himself? I just nodded. Come here. Give your doc a hug before you leave. One of these days Ill need to drag my wife into work so she can meet you. Id like that. I smiled as I pulled away from him. Thanks, Dr. Watts.

See you soon. Way, way, too soon. --I had my short-sleeved shirt rolled up and two large Ziploc bags of ice on my arm when Brian came in the door. His eyes widened as he dropped his bags and came to my side. Its really not as bad as it looks. I smiled a little. He just shook his head at me. His jaw clenched tight. What happened? His face was hard to read. Its not a big deal. I got dizzy, lost my balance and caught my arm on the doorframe. I did my best relaxed voice to try and appease him. How could you not call me? He voice was low, tense and angry. You guys were already on your way home, what would a call have done? At the time it had seemed like all a phone call would do was make him stressed on the last parts of his trip, which was completely unnecessary. I would like to have known. Maybe Id have driven a little faster. I dont know Leigh, but now Im afraid to trust you! Cant you understand that? That youre the most precious thing in my world and you didnt call me? I dont get it! He ran a hand over his head. His outburst felt completely unexpected. I knew hed be upset, but it seemed dramatic. I was trying to preserve the last day of your trip. I needed you to have some time where you werent worried about me, I tried to explain. Did you think that sending me over a hundred miles away would lessen my worry? Because it didnt. How could me, being separated from you, relieve my worry? It doesnt make any sense! Hed done this trip simply to appease me, not for the break that I desperately wanted him to have. I just wanted you to have a break from this. Well, neither of us gets a break from it Leigh, and thats okay because were together. He stopped and exhaled. Did he send you home with a list or something? Things to do? To not do? Its on the counter, I said quietly. Im sorry. I really was trying to do something nice for you. I know. He sighed and scooted slightly closer. He touched his forehead to mine. But you have to know that it makes me crazy to not be around you. I hate leaving you for the few hours I go to work or even when I have to leave to run errands. Okay. I leaned back. I did have fun with Megan. Good. And Im looking forward to hearing all about your trip. I tried to smile.

Let me see this. He took a breath in and touched my hand. I winced and his jaw flexed. Never mind. I carefully pulled off my packs of ice. It was time for a break from them, anyway. Brian struggled to maintain composure. It did look awful, much worse than it felt. I was glad Nathan had followed Jaron home for the evening. Leigh he swallowed once. Dont ever send me away from you again, understand? I nodded. We looked at each other in silence for a moment. Can you tell me about your trip now? I asked quietly. He sat back as if trying to remember what hed done. Well, I talked with your dad some more on custody stuff. I have an appointment with someone in Salt Lake tomorrow. He was groping for something to share. Id have to ask him later on, when he wasnt so distracted with me. Im so glad you get along. I smiled wider at him then. Its more than that, Leigh. I dont know if you can fully appreciate what wonderful parents you have. I definitely married up. Well, thats happy then because I feel the same way. And he just shook his head at me like he so often did. Let me put those ice packs in the freezer. It looks like we might be needing them for a few days.

I glanced down at my purple arm. Wed definitely need them for a few days. And it hit me again, we were really, actually, doing this together. --This might take longer than we hoped, Brian said as he came in the front door. He held our file of paperwork for Nathan. I need you to sign a power of attorney so I can sign and appear for you if we need to. I explained your situation to the people handling Nathans case, and they said it was the best way to do it. But I want to be there. To be part of it. Was he trying to keep me from this? I know. He sat on the floor next to me. But the reality of it Leigh, is that you only feel good about half the time and I get the impression that pretty soon well be down to a bit less than half the time. He sat down next to me, watching me. You did the hardest thing. You got the papers signed. Let me finish this. How long are they thinking? I asked. I felt like I was running out of time. Well, were trying to accomplish a lot here. His mother had been fighting me every step of the way and now has suddenly signed her son over to me. Theyre suspicious. But shes in jail! I protested. Hed probably be taken from her anyway, right? Over time? Probably, and theyre taking that into consideration. Theres a rush on it right now. Your dad has been invaluable. Dont worry, Leigh. Well get it done. Okay. I wanted to trust him in this so bad, but it really wasnt up to him. It had seemed so simple when I walked out of the prison with signed papers. I was trying to be patient, but I felt lousy. The whole idea of patience, as sick as I was, felt absurd.

TWENTY-FIVE Eight of Twelve When I checked in, I realized we were on number eight. Number eight! Past the halfway point. I was two thirds done. I felt a sense of accomplish-ment. It was the first time I was glad that Brian marked the time on his dog tags. Can I room with Andy today? I asked as we checked in. Not today, Leigh, the nurse said. If you want to see her before we hook you up, youre welcome to.

Thatd be great. I had to get into scrubs again and wear a mask, even though I felt fine. She looked even smaller than normal. Leigh. She smiled. Is it that time already? Yes it is. I took in her surroundings. The room was dark, quiet. Andy must not be feeling well. Well, that went faster than I thought. Have you been here the whole time? I had a dark, sinking feeling in my stomach. She rolled her eyes. Yeah, yeah, overreacting as usual you know. It happens. I looked around the room again not knowing what to make of her situation. Theyre finally letting me go home today. Thatll be nice. She smiled. Good, I said. Give me a call, you know, when you get bored. Ill do that. She winked at me, never lifting her head from her pillow. Have fun playing cards with that husband of yours. I will. I moved toward the door. I gotta run or Ill be here all night, we both know thats no fun. I tried to tease with her. Tell me about it. She smiled back. She sounded weak. I hope she pulled out of it soon. See ya. I waved as I walked out. Yep. She gave me a small wave before the door shut behind me. Brian waited outside. It was so nice of him to assume that Id want some privacy with her. How is she? he asked. She gets to go home for a while. He nodded, but there was something else going on. What? Its nothing. He walked with me down the hall to the room Id be in today. Its something. Im just worried that as much fun as your friendship has been, it might be hard on you. How could a friendship be hard on me, Brian? He was being ridiculous. He started to say something else and changed his mind. Brian and I played cards, but I didnt last long. I was too tired to concentrate. It was too badI was starting to be real competition. --Even though it wore me out, my very short walks with Brian were saving me from

insanity. I could only get out like this on the last few days before treatment times, but it gave me something to look forward to. A reason to eat, even when I knew I might throw it all up. We were out of the house, and together, the fresh air felt good. When we came back inside, I stretched on the floor while he did his routine of push-ups and sit-ups. I pulled myself onto the couch exhausted, and the phone rang. Hello? I answered. Leigh? I heard Dr. Watts voice on the phone. Hey Doc, you make me nervous when you call my house. Whats up? Brian stopped and watched me intently. Andy passed away last night. Im sorry, Leigh. I couldnt breathe. How was I going to get through this without Andy? She wasnt in favor of doing this last round of treatment. Shes been miserable for weeks. She died in her sleep. Okay, I whispered. The lump in my throat spread, slowly numbing me and filling me with pain allat the same time. Leigh, as your doctor Im begging you to see a counselor and you will pick up that scrip I sent in for you. Understood? I nodded and hung up the phone. Leigh? Brian saw the shock on my face and jumped to my side. Andys gone. I sobbed. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him close with all the strength I had. Brian sat with me like that for hours, until I completely cried myself out. I couldnt sleep and he finally had to beg me to take my sleeping pills. It felt like defeat. I didnt know why; it was just a dumb pill. I passed several days without being aware of much. I ate little bits and slept. Nathan and I watched movies together. Andy had left a hollowed out place that nothing could fill. I dreaded my next turn at the hospital more than anything Id ever done. I wanted to pack a suitcase, get in a car and drive away, leaving all this mess behind. I prayed on my own for the first time in too long. Brian had been saying our prayers for us. I remembered back to how peaceful Id been through this process the last time. This time felt like a rocky beach with bare feet. I wanted to know why Andy had been given to me as this great gift that had helped me through so much, helped me to find humor in my situation when it was so often hard. Why had I known her if she was just going to be taken from me? I had no answers. I got no answers. The silence stunned me, and I was upset. More than upset. Angry.

TWENTY-SIX Ninth of Twelve Tired With Andy at the hospital, Id started not to mind Mondays so much. I wondered if there would ever be a time when a Monday would pass and I wouldnt think about my Monday chemo schedule and my friend Andy. We checked in and I was back in my small, single room. There would be no one to joke with or talk with. It felt empty. I was nauseous before they hooked me up. I had no words. I had no constructive thoughts. I lay down and let everyone do their job. Can I get us something? Brian asked. Youre being unusually cooperative and quiet. He tried to tease. Im not going to be much fun today. You dont have to be. He smiled. I didnt have one to return. I know you have work. If you want to be here you can be but dont feel like you need to stay. Hey, dont do that to me. He stepped closer to my bed. Im here because theres nowhere else in the world Id rather be. I shook my head. With you, Leigh. Thats what I care about. Im tired. I felt impossible expectations from him. Like I should stand up and be able to walk away from here completely healed. When I couldnt get an answer to a simple prayer, how would that be possible? Ill be here. He voice was quiet, and his smile had disappeared. I closed my eyes and wished to sleep through the day. I did not get my wish. My body didnt want any more of this mess. Even the Zofran didnt keep me from throwing up a few times that afternoon. I dreaded going home, but I didnt want to stay there either. Tory insisted on wheeling me out to my car. Let me help you climb in. Brian came to help me out of my chair. I got up to do it myself. I usually walked out on Brians arm. This was all ridiculous. I misjudged how strong my legs were and half fell into the car, scraping my shin along the running boards. Ow. I grabbed my leg. Brian lifted me into the car. I watched his jaw flex, but he didnt say anything. Tory pulled up my pant leg to make sure I didnt break the skin.

Thats going to leave a nasty bruise, Leigh. You know what to watch for. She knew better than to suggest I go back inside. She drove the chair away, and Brian climbed into the drivers seat. He grabbed the steering wheel with both hands. Youre being ridiculous! Just let me give you some freaking help, Leigh! Its not the end of the world that you cant climb into the car after a crappy day! He let go of the steering wheel to bang it once with both hands. Sorry. I mumbled under my breath, but I didnt mean it. He knew that. We drove home in silence. I pressed my face against the cool glass like Id done many times before to keep from throwing up in the car. He took a deep breath then and started to regroup. Leigh, I know it sucks. I know you dont want to need help to walk across a room or to get into a car, but you do. A scrape right now can be a big deal. He reached over and took my hand. I didnt want to look at him. I didnt want his words to sink in. I pulled my hand away. Its the only thing I can do for you right now. Let me help you, Leigh. Let me feel like theres something I can do. I stared out the window. We went home and I did whatever I was asked to do. I threw up. Brian cleaned up the mess. I took whatever medicine he handed to me and ate, or tried to eat, everything he brought to my room. Nathan spent half his nights at Jarons house. I wasnt sleeping well and kept him awake. It was one less thing for me to worry about. The days and nights blended together. Brian came and went, my mother came and went. Jaron stopped in a few times. I shut down. I felt like I was swimming in a hole that had been started by the cancer and made bigger by me. I didnt know which way to go, I didnt know how to get out and I didnt care that I didnt know any of these things. --Leigh, please let me carry you. Brian was starting to look rough. I kept him awake more nights than not. I was weak and exhausted. My appetite was gone and if someone didnt feed me, I forgot to eat. I can walk, Brian. Just give me an arm. Dont make me feel more pathetic and worthless. He used two hands to help me stand up from the couch. I hated being this dependent on people around me. He did as I asked and I took one small step after another until we were on the porch. I had to concentrate hard. My legs shook so hard I felt like I could crumple. The hammock seemed impossibly high. I stood there staring at it for a moment. You know I actually like touching you, wife of mine. He smiled down at me.

I sighed. Fine. With careful hands he lifted me and set me easily on the middle of the hammock. That wasnt so terrible was it? He was trying to engage me in something, but leaned away when I didnt respond. Okay, well let me know if you want me to take a walk with you back inside or want to share a snack, okay? I nodded and turned my face toward the warm sun. He stood there for a moment and then left me. Finally. A few minutes later I heard Megan. Hey Leigh, are you trying to sleep? she asked. I shook my head. Mind if I sit? I shook my head again. Brian must be busy? Hes inside, I said. I didnt want to make small talk, but turned to look at her anyway. Youre starting to look pregnant, I noticed. Her arms immediately wrapped around her stomach. I know. She smiled. I look down and I cant imagine my stomach getting any bigger but the nurse side of me knows that I have a lot of growing room left. Im gaining weight at an increasingly rapid pace. And Im losing it. She paused, looking at me for a moment. Youre kind of scaring me, Leigh. What do you mean? I knew what she meant. I just didnt see how I could change anything right now. Youre just not yourself. You wouldnt be either, I pointed out. Yeah. Probably not, but still, I just wanted you to know that Im worried about you. Is that why youre here? I asked. To lecture Leigh? No. She smiled wide. Whats going on? Were having a boy. We wanted you to know first. Its always felt like you cared more than anyone else. Well, that little boy will make me an auntie to someone Ill actually get to see once in a while. Id only seen Josephs kids the one time. He still hadnt made it out this way. I was starting to get annoyed with him. End of July, she said. Wow. The end of July. I thought about how many months away that was. It seemed like an impossibly long time. Im glad youre having a boy. Boys are fun. I tried hard to keep

my composure. You okay? She turned her head sideways to look at me closer. Tired, I managed to say. Okay, Im sorry. Ill take off. She leaned over and gave me a very gentle hug. It was good to see you, Leigh, even for just a few minutes. I nodded and closed my eyes. I felt squeezed. Like all the weight of our conversation held me and wouldnt let go. Id stood in Andys room and thought about how Id hoped shed feel better when I came back in a couple of weeks. She hadnt made it that long. Megan was planning months ahead. To make it worse, she was having a boy. Shed get to have all of those first moments and years that I hadnt gotten to have with Nathan. I found myself, once again, wishing to sleep through the next six months. --Brian and Jaron asked everyone over to my porch for the afternoon. I felt tired, grumpy, and didnt want to try to make nice. They all slowly gathered while I rested on my hammock. Nathan wanted me to read stories, but I didnt have the strength. I closed my eyes in the sunshine and listened to the growing number of voices. It felt good at first, but then the voices started to blend together. Just like Christmas morning, I could feel the noise through my body. The first wave of nausea hit, and all I wanted was my cool bedroom and my bed. I opened my eyes and searched for Brian. Nathan saw me first and came over. I need your dad, I whispered. Okay, he whispered back. He ran his small fingers across my bare head. His small gesture overwhelmed me close to tears. Julie, Stuart, Cassandrawho wasnt much of a baby anymore, Jaron and Megan were all there happily chatting away. Brian stood next to me in a minute. Walk with me inside? I asked. He helped me off my hammock onto the porch. Sorry, I whispered as I looked around. I should have said something else then, something to their expectant, worried faces, but I didnt. There werent any more words than that. Brian half carried me to our room and helped me back in bed. The dark, cool and quiet was what I needed. And to be alone. Im sorry, Leigh. It seemed like a good idea. I thought if you had your friends around you again that That Id magically get better? No. He looked down. He didnt know what to do. Well wait until its your idea next

time. Im going to take a nap. I scooted further down in bed. Okay. He breathed out and then left the room. I felt alone. Tired. Sinking. --Three more days until number ten. I was getting close, but not close enough. I knew it would be months after my last time in before I started to feel like myself again. Still swimming, still dark, still didnt care. Can I help you to the couch? Brian asked. I can walk, I insisted. I started to stand up. I should not have felt so weak. This was the time I should have the strength I wanted to do things. Something, anything. I took a step and Brian had to catch me. Hey there. He smiled at me in his arms. I felt weak and sick and like I didnt want to be close to anyone. Sorry. I looked down and tried to push away from him. Leigh, just let me walk with you, okay? I fought back tears of frustration and put my arm around his waist so he could help me to the couch. See? He smiled down at me. That wasnt so bad, was it? Stop saying that! I said. It is that bad! He dropped his arms, unsure of how to respond. I really, really just want to feel alone for a little while. Why dont you take Riley for a run or something? I suggested. Im just worried Really? I set my jaw. What on earth is going to happen in thirty minutes? Okay. He looked down, hurt, but went into our room to change. He came back out a few minutes later. Ill be back soon. Have fun. I closed my eyes and sunk into the couch. Can I get you Im fine, Brian. Please just get out of here for a while. I hadnt meant for it to come out quite as harsh as it did. Okay. He walked out the door and I heard him run before he left the steps. He needed to get out of here. I needed out of here, but that much activity was no longer worth what it did to me in the end.

About ten minutes after Brian disappeared, I heard a knock on the front door and then it opened. That was one of the downsides of having family nearby and having good friends that lived close. Leigh? Jarons voice. Youre having a boy, I said. I didnt move. Yep. He smiled at me. How are you? Thats against the rules. My voice sounded rough. My throat was sore from throwing up. What? Never mind. I sighed. What can I do for you, Jaron? Im just here to say hi. No youre not. I can tell by the way youre standing there, you have something you want to talk about or something you want to say. He stuffed his hands in his pockets. Brians just worried about you. We all are. You started this . . . so well, and now . . . Yeah, well, when you try spending between four and five months doing this Losing a close friend whose been fighting the same thing you have. Losing your hair. Losing any sense of intimacy with someone youve been married to for only months. When you do that, then you can come in here and criticize. Im not criticizing you, Leigh. But you have to let us help you out, talk to you. He sat on the chair next to me. I let Brian help me out to the couch just a little while ago. So, ha. But were you nice about it? Sometimes it was really annoying having someone know you so well. I wasnt in the mood. Im tired, Jaron. Okay. He stood, but didnt move. But give it some thought. It just wouldnt be that hard for you to make Brians life a little easier. All you have to do is let the man do things for you. Its all he does, Jaron. He takes care of me and he takes care of Nathan because I cant. Its all he does. How did everyone not see that? Were not getting anywhere here. Jaron still looked at me. Dont forget to be prayerful, Leigh. Yeah. What? he asked. Ive tried that. And?

Nothing. I couldnt believe that Id just admitted that out loud. Jaron paused and let out a breath. Sometimes we just need to lean on each other. Its all Im doing. No. Its not all youre doing. Its the one thing youre not doing. Tell Brian. Let him pray with you. Youre married. Hes a good guy. He can carry this part of you for a while. Andy was carrying that hopeful, happy part of me. I realized it as I said the words. And now shes gone, he said quietly. I nodded. So, now its time that you turn that back to your husband. Let him carry that part of you again. I didnt know how to respond to that. I turned my head back toward the ceiling and closed my eyes, wandering back to the same thought Id had over and over. I just wanted to sleep for the whole rest of the process. Just sleep until it was all over. The next few days I did my best to do just that. --Sunday before treatment day again, Brian set me up outside on my hammock. After Id gotten comfortable, I heard someone come up the porch steps. I opened my eyes. Josie. I turned my head toward her. Too many people, too much monotonous routine. She stopped at the top of the steps and quickly tried to regroup. She looked at her feet for a moment before looking at me again. Hey, Leigh. You can come sit. My voice was quiet and still sounded awful. She walked over and sat down, setting her hands in her lap. Hey eyes darted from me to our surroundings on the porch. Were up here to visit our parents for spring break, she explained. And hows married life? I asked. I tried to smile. When Id been married as long as her, Id just come out of surgery. Her face spread into a smile. Its great. Good. Leigh I didnt expect you to look so Sick? I offered. She bit her lower lip. I just lost a good friend, Josie. It hurt to say the words out loud. I pushed hard for my chest to go back to feeling tired and heavy. It was better than sad. She nodded, still thinking. Are you dying, Leigh? Am I allowed to ask that?

I dont know, I answered. I thought saying those words out loud would bother me, but they didnt. I simply didnt care. Caring exhausted me. Josie nodded and took in a deep breath. She leaned over me and gave me a long hug. I expected to feel love or sadness or something. I felt nothing, only the weight Id been carrying for a while. I should go, she said. Brian warned me that youre really tired. Good seeing you. She smiled at me again and walked off the porch. Well that was it. I wanted no more visitors. It was too hard. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the relief of being alone. Hows Josie? I heard Brians voice as he opened the door to come outside. So much for alone. Good, I answered. I didnt open my eyes. I brought you a shake, Brian said. Ill try. I reached out and took it from him. Hed gotten smarter, making me small ones now. Id never been able to drink a whole big cup full. Brian looked at me with that horrible lookthe one where he tried to hide his sadness but totally failed. He sat next to me and took my hand in his. He wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I love you, Leigh. Can you give me something to do? Is there something we could do together? I was confused. He was already working so hard. He started again, I just hate feeling like theres nothing I can do to make you more comfortable or happy You take care of everything. I stared. Everything. It was an admission of the horrible nothing that I was doing. He squeezed my hand gently, looking for something else. I didnt have the energy to figure out what it was. Okay. He got up and walked slowly back into the house. He looked as heavy as I felt. I felt a small pang in my chest as the door closed between us. If I internalized that, that small gesture, I would have a lot more to think about. So I didnt.

TWENTY-SEVEN Ten of Twelve Heavy Hello again, Leigh. Tory smiled. Back for more are we? she teased. She stood there and looked at me for a moment, waiting for me to say something. I didnt. No pithy comebacks today, huh? Im trying to be cooperative. I managed a weak smile. Hmm well see. She raised an eyebrow at me as if she didnt believe me. Ill come and check on you later. She walked out of the room. Brian still hadnt sat down. He stood at the foot of the bed, watching. Leigh. Whats going on? This is killing me, Brian pleaded. Im being cooperative. I rolled my head to look at him. No youre not! Youve just given up! Youre never totally cooperative! Its one of the things Ive always loved about you! You have to have the last word and you only cooperate to the point you have to. Now, youre just sitting here! Its exhausting, Brian, fighting so hard all the time. I just thought I was being good. No you didnt! He threw his book across the room. He stopped for a minute then and looked down at the floor, trying to regroup. Youre not doing anybody any good right now! Least of all yourself! I know what its like to lose people you care about. I dont pretend to completely understand what Andys death meant to you, but Ive lost friends too, Leigh. Gabe, from Texas, he was the best shot we had. He died next to me. Louis, a man with three kids at home and a wife he worshipped. Michaels, a raving lunatic who made us all laugh when we thought wed go crazy if we had to spend one more night fighting in Iraq. Ian who thought he knew everything about everything Stop. I couldnt take it anymore. Each name pounded into me like Id lost Andy all over again. He walked next to my bed. Please, Leigh. Fight a little bit. What if we just dont have a say, Brian? What if nothing we do changes things and you have to add me to that list? Dont do this. He took my hand in his. We have a say as long as we keep working together. Andy had an inoperable tumor on her spinal cord. Youre going to be fine. It doesnt feel like it, I said quietly and then shut my eyes, and hoped I felt terrible enough to go to sleep.

Leigh He wasnt finished. Im tired, Bri. Really, it was so much easier being alone. The world around me faded and blurred and time passed more quickly. He stood there unmoving for a minute or two. Okay, he whispered. His hand slowly let go of mine and I heard the scrape of the chair on the floor as he sat down. I could feel the sadness and disappointment coming off of him in waves to torture me. I closed my eyes and tried to block it all out. The needle in my arm. Brian in the corner. The weight pulling and pushing my body from all angles, hoping I could just slip away and disappear . . . Mrs. Wright. I heard Dr. Watts voice. Yes, amazingly enough Im still here. I opened my eyes. You and I need to talk, he said sitting down. Hey Bri? Could you excuse us? I asked. Nope. Brian stays here, Dr. Watts said. But Brian stays here. It was final. I slumped down. Have you come to give me a pep talk and tell me how Im so, so close to being done and how everything will all just be perfect and happy? I used the best sarcastic voice I could find with my raspy throat. Well, we are just a happy ray of sunshine today arent we? He smiled. I really hated how the things I said just rolled off of him like that. I didnt respond. Well, since I havent heard from you, Im going to assume youve done nothing along the lines of what I asked you to do on the phone. Brian froze. Yeah, well I started to explain that I didnt want to talk to anybody, but he didnt let me finish. Im prescribing you anti-depressants and you will take them. He looked at me, and then he looked back at Brian. He wanted to make sure we all knew what he wanted done. Fine. Whatever you want. Hand me one now if youve got one on you. I held my hand out. Dr. Watts stopped for a minute, not sure what to say. I hate seeing you like this, Leigh. It doesnt suit you. Please spend some time thinking about what were doing here. Its all I do. My body wont let me do anything else. I looked up at him then and he nodded once. He handed a slip of paper to Brian, and left the room.

What did he ask you to do when he called, Leigh? Brian sounded tired and frustrated. Are you my babysitter now? I looked over at him. I wanted to be left alone. Nope. Still your husband. His sad eyes hit me again. I couldnt take it. He thinks I should see a counselor. Before you agree, save your breath. Ill take the dumb pills. Brian started to say something else but stopped. Thankfully. --The thought of sharing my bed when I felt this sick was overwhelming. I asked Brian to take the couch. He slept on the floor in the hallway instead, which was ridiculous. He claimed he wanted to be close for when I needed something. Mom helped as usual, doing all the household stuff and with Nathan when she could. I just didnt have the strength for him anymore. Everything was exhausting. I could hear Mom and Brian whisper about me. She didnt remember anything like this from the first time and had no idea what to do. I hated being talked about like I didnt have a say in how I felt or what happened. I also didnt know how to describe the way I felt aside from my desperate need to be alone and how heavy the world was. How do you explain that everything feels like lead without sounding crazy? --Leigh. I have it all worked out. Brians smile filled his face as he came in the front door. What do you have all worked out? I asked. My recovery now took almost the full two weeks. I wasnt doing well. I knew I wasnt doing well. It was the Wednesday before my next treatment and the thought of getting out of bed was still too much. For Nathan and the temple. Bishop said he could make a call if you think you can make it, and we could probably go just about any time. Really? My heart felt lighter than it had since Andy, but it didnt last long. I thought about getting dressed and driving to the temple. Getting dressed again there. Walking through the temple and kneeling at the altar. Then going through it all again so we could go home. I felt defeated. There was no way I could do it. I was too weak. I pressed my fingertips to the outside edges of my eyes to keep the tears from falling. Leigh? Concern tinged his voice. I just dont think Im strong enough, I whispered. Thats okay. He smiled and put his hand on my shoulder. Well go in a couple of months, when youre feeling better. What if Im not feeling better? I asked. Youll be feeling better. But what if Im not? I insisted.

The only reason youre not feeling well now is because you dont want to! Brian voice filled with frustration. Cant you accept that this might not turn out well? Can you accept that it might? He said straight back to me. Brian, we need to talk about what you should do if I dont Okay, then we should plan for me, too. What are you talking about? I asked. Well, tomorrow I could go for a run and be smashed by an oncoming car, or keel over from a heart attack. What do we do? Brian, thats ridiculous. And youre being ridiculous, too. Brian, we need to talk about this. No, Leigh, we dont. Its not going to happen. If you still want to talk about it in five days, well talk. Five days? I asked. Why five days? Because you might forget that youre having this fit of depression in which case Ill be spared the conversation. If, in five days, you still feel the need to have it and itll make you feel better, we will. Fine. I wasnt happy about how this had turned out. He didnt care. He walked out of the room and threw the papers down on the table.

TWENTY-EIGHT Called On It Four days later. Theres a surprise coming for you today. Brian stepped into our bedroom to help me out. I was two days from my second to last treatment. I was down to a few days of feeling just good enough to move around a little bit. Both my body and mind drifted in numbness. A surprise, huh? How on earth was I going to work up the proper enthusiasm? Yep. His smile was wide, and I felt immediately worried. Wanna sit in your hammock

while we wait for Nathan to come home? Why not? My shoulders slumped in defeat as he helped me onto my hammock. Mind if I sit outside with you? he asked. I shook my head. I heard him pull out his computer and then the familiar clacking of his fingers on the keyboard. At this angle the sun shined on me and felt absolutely divine. I closed my eyes and soaked it up. After a while I heard a car pull up in front and stop. I didnt recognize the car. Joseph got out. I had the same reaction Id had last time I was sick when Jaron had come home early from his mission. Like I was dying, and no one told me. Brian watched me and read my reaction. Youre absolutely fine, Leigh. He said something about possibly heading all the way to St. George to see your parents, but he wanted to come here first. Oh. I felt so surprised that I didnt have words. The shock of my appearance was all over Josephs face. My hair was gone, and my skin looked terrible, pale and sallow. Id probably lost close to thirty pounds, maybe more, and I hadnt had thirty pounds to lose. Hey there, Leigh. He tried to smile when he reached the top of the steps. Careful, Joseph. Youre in Mormon country. I was glad to see him and I wanted him to see that I was okay. Even though I wasnt. He smiled wider then. Dont I know it? There are practically as many meeting houses as gas stations, maybe more. He walked closer to me as if to give me a hug. You look so fragile, Leigh. Im afraid to hug you. At least he was being honest. It was such a refreshing change. Im sure Ill survive a hug. He leaned over and carefully put his arms around me. Do you want to walk with me in the house or share a snack or something? Brian asked. I sighed. I felt like I had no breathing room. No Brian. Im fine. There was no hiding my exhaustion and irritation with the same questions over and over. He paused for a second. Well, Ill leave you two then. I told Stuart Id drop by this afternoon. He put away his computer without another word. Yep, I said. I didnt look his direction. Brian shook Josephs hand and walked next door. What was that? Joseph stared, mouth open. What are you talking about? That! He gestured to Brian. Dont you talk to him like that. Hes just trying to help. Everyones just trying to help! Its making me absolutely crazy! I cant roll over or cough or do anything or do nothing to have someone ask me if I need something. Im sick of it! My throat was still scratchy and hoarse.

Leigh, youre acting like a spoiled brat. Who was Joseph to walk in here and tell me what I should or shouldnt be doing? Oh what, did Brian call you to say that I was being cooperative? Because Ive done everything hes asked. No, he didnt. He thought for a moment, maybe trying to decide if he should continue. Jaron and I have talked a few times. Hes voiced some worries over his best friend and how his little sister is tearing him up inside. I have cancer! My life isnt exactly peachy right now either! He didnt know what this was like. He had no clue of what I went through week by week. He didnt live here and didnt come to visit. As much as Id wanted him in my life, he wasnt. I dont care what you have or whats going on. Youre breaking that man apart and theres absolutely no excuse for it. It cant be doing you any favors either, acting like this. Theres two ways to do everything, Leigh, and youre screwing this up big time. He didnt yell, but his voice was forceful, annoyed, disapproving. Im tired, I said. Oh, that must be code for go away and leave me alone. That may work with everyone else around here when they want to talk to you about something you dont want to talk about, but it wont work on me. I dont care if youre tired. Everyones tired. He stopped for a moment and took a breath in. When he spoke again, his voice was softer. Leigh, I have never seen someone more devastated in my life. I called Brian to warn him I was coming about a week ago. You should have heard him on the phone. He sounded awful. Not because his wife is sick, but because he feels like she doesnt want him anymore. Like hes not doing enough, like he was right from the beginning and wasnt good enough. He deserves better from you. His words hit hard. I just didnt want to feel, not right now. Youve made your point. Can I rest now? Almost. Josephs jaw still clenched tight. It was hard seeing someone look at me like that, especially when I really wanted him to approve of me. I talked to Jaron, too. He said the same thing. The people around you dont want to see you give up like this. Youll probably live in spite of yourself, but who wants to feel like the person they love doesnt care enough to fight a little? The reason people hover over you is because they love you. There are worse things than to be loved to the point that you have people wanting to be there for you. I I didnt know what to say. Ive got nothing left, Joseph. I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I feel like I dont have the energy to do anything. I want to sleep until its over, and I just dont care which way it goes right now. Josephs whole body softened then. Tell your husband, Leigh. Tell your doctor. This isnt just you being sick. This is depression. I dont care how much medicine they give you for that, you need people around you to carry you through this.

I dont want to be carried. I want to walk on my own two feet. He laughed a little, I dont think thats a possibility right now, Leigh. You look terrible. Oh, thanks. I smiled a little. Still too much rolling through my head. This is what all that family stuffs supposed to be about right? Being there for one another? You have a husband who would cut off his own arm if he thought it would make you better. He stopped for a minute, sensing the change in my demeanor. Well, you know I mean all of this in the best possible way. I nodded. Im going to follow your husband next door. Id like to see Jaron. You sit here and think on your own for a few. Were all carried once in a while. Remember that. Someones been doing some thinking. I looked up at him. Its coming from a guy whos let a wonderful woman carry him through a lot. I hope that someday Im able to repay the favor. His eyes kept mine. Brian said he finally got all permissions for you to take Nathan to the temple. Yeah. He must have worked hard to get that done for all of you. He did. Aside from getting the papers signed, Id been nothing but difficult along those lines. I know its a big deal for you Mormon people. He smiled. Careful there. Youre still part of that. He nodded once in partial agreement. I dont think I can do it right now, I said. I dont have the strength. Well, it wouldnt hurt to make sure he knows youre looking forward to it. Yeah, I agreed. Well, Im going to go see my little brother. He stood up. I know youre tired Leigh, but just take a few minutes to see if you could do something here to help yourself out. I sat by myself on the porch and let the tears slide down my cheeks. Joseph had come all this way to a mess. Brian had worked so hard for so long. I felt horrible. It took me a long time to figure out why, which was stupid. It should have been obvious. I had wallowed in self-pity for a ridiculously long time and had hurt the people around me. I could feel my chest breaking apart, knowing what Id done to Brian. I thought about how hard hed been trying to be whatever I needed him to be, and all Id been able to see was someone whose suffering I hated more than my own. I hadnt wanted to see that, so Id turned it into something different. Everyone had gathered over at Stuart and Julies place. I remembered gatherings here at the beginning of my illness. I did feel worse than before, but did I really feel so bad that I

couldnt have people around? I still felt heavy. I didnt know how to climb out of the weight, but I did know I wanted Brian back. Needed him back. The bus came up the street and instead of heading to Stuarts house where everyone had conglomerated, Nathan ran up the porch to see me. Hey Mom! Wanna see what I did in school today? I wondered how many days Id put him off and hadnt given him the proper attention. Of course I do. I smiled and carefully shuffled myself so I could lie on my side. I still half floated when I heard him call me Mom. He pulled out a large paper that had been carefully rolled up in his backpack. Hed drawn a picture of me in my hammock with huge amounts of wavy auburn hair. Thats great, Nathan. His teacher had commented many times at how advanced his drawing was. I wasnt surprised. See? I gave you hair. Lots and lots of it. Thanks. I need hair. I grabbed my head with both hands and smiled at him. He laughed. Youre funny. Hey, Nathan? Do you miss your mom? Am I stealing you? I should miss my mom. He watched his feet on the porch. Do you know what it means to go to the temple? With your dad and me? Yeah. His smile spread wide. Do we finally get to do that? So youre my mommy for real? I His face was filled with hope. Did he know what it all meant? Were working on it. Good. He set his pack in its spot next to the front door. I want to go. Tears hit the edges of my eyes. I want to go with you, too. I wiped my cheeks. Hey Nathan? Do you see your daddy over there? Yeah, hes at Uncle Stuarts house. Thats right, I said. Can you run over and tell him that I need some help? Sure, Mom! Wait, Nathan. I hadnt been fair to him either, though it had been different with him. I love you. Love you, too! He waved as he bounded off the porch. Im glad youre happy again! My heart caught in my throat with Nathans words and then again as I watched Brian come down the stairs next door. He moved quickly, but it looked as if there were struggle in every movement. How had I not treasured every second hed spent with me? He walked over to our large porch, the same strained smile hed been wearing for the past month. The past month where Id been so horrible.

Wanna join me inside? He tried to smile wider. I nodded. I still didnt trust myself to speak. He looked down, and his eyes were red, like hed been crying. Because of me. Not because I was sick, but because Id been shutting him out. Completely. Would you carry me in? I asked. He always wanted to, but Id stopped letting him unless there was no other way. Of course. His expression softened. He pulled me carefully into his arms. I breathed him in and reached my hand up to touch him softly on the neck. Thanks, I whispered quietly. He walked easily even while carrying me, through the front door and into the house. Bedroom? I asked. Sure. He carried me down the hall and into our room, setting me on the bed. Brian, I I wasnt sure what to say. Do you think that Stuart could take Nathan for a while? He nodded. Ill be right back. His voice echoed the same quiet tone as mine. He leaned down and kissed me on the head. I smiled at him as he walked out the door. I had to pee and walked slowly into the bathroom, using the walls for support. I wasnt as dizzy as I had been. Only two more to go. I still kept a hand on the wall, just in case. When I opened the bathroom door Brian came down the hallway. I leaned against the doorframe. Hey. He smiled. He stepped close to help me back to our room. I reached out and touched his chest with my fingers and then let them slide down over his stomach. I took a small pinch of fabric from his shirt and pulled. He moved closer as I knew he would. He leaned down and I stretched up until our lips pressed together. I pulled myself as close to him as my weak arms would allow. I could feel the relief in his body. He kissed me back, so softly. He was so careful with me now. I missed those first few weeks of being together when I could feel the strength of him pulling on me. Will you come and lay down with me for a while? I asked. Yeah. The sadness disappeared from his eyes and I could see him relax. He touched me gently and carefully and helped me shuffle around until we both lied down, our faces close. Im sorry. I looked into his deep eyes and felt completely ashamed of how Id treated him over the past weeks, maybe longer. Time had been running together. What are you apologizing for? For being absolutely horrible to you. Im so sorry. Its okay, Leigh.

No. Its not okay. Theres no excuse. I think part of me was trying to protect you. Like distancing you from me or making you not like me so it would be easier to watch this, and easier if it doesnt turn out well, I finished. He closed his eyes at my last remark, I watched him swallow once, fighting not to cry. I reached over and touched his face, tears already streaming down mine. He did the same. After a few moments, he opened his eyes and took my hand in his. The connection felt good. Brian felt good. I could have had this the whole time. Id been such an idiot. You said something to me, at the beginning of all of this. Yeah? You said that you wished you could just hold me tight enough to make all this go away. I still wish that, more than anything. But you do. You do make it all go away. When you came home in the middle of the night and wrapped your arms around me so I could drift back off, or night after night when you held me close and touched me until I fell asleep? You took it all away. I didnt feel sick. I didnt remember that I was sick. I just felt you there and felt that you loved me. Thats how you made it go away. I love you. He arms wrapped more tightly around me. I need to be closer to you right now. I felt like there would be no way for me to get close enough. I wanted to feel his warmth, his strength, his support. He scooted down and over so I could lay my head on his chest. Ive felt so heavy. Everythings felt too hard. I tried to explain to him. He had one arm around me and the other slowly rubbed up and down my back. I think I understand. He breathed out. We should call your doc. Maybe he could find something else for you. Maybe. It didnt feel like there was anything out there that could possibly help. I love you Leigh, the real thing, more than I thought possible and I will love you forever. If theres one thing that Ive learned in this short time with you, its that love really does grow deeper. Imagine us at eighty. I smiled. He laughed. Ill be eighty five. Oh right. Because youre the old one. Yeah. Im the old one. I stopped looking at him for a minute. If I ever start doing that again, call me on it, right away, okay? Deal. He smiled. I cant believe what youve had to go through.

I cant believe what youve had to go through. What were still going through, I said. Only two more, right? I nodded. Only two more and then well see I trailed off. Then well see if the cancer is gone for now or if treatments need to change, which for me, meant the end. It was probably a bad perception for me to have, but thats what it was. Dont think that, Leigh. I can feel your body change. Sorry, its hard. John and Mark are anxious to see me again. The Seattle guys. Yeah, them. Are you going to go? I told them I had one more month. They really want me closer. This is kind of exciting isnt it? I asked. I was so, so proud of him. I cant believe how well this is going for you. You love working with them dont you? I do, but its not just for me, its for us and it means Seattle. I grew up there. I love Seattle. It will create some extra expense for Nathan to see Amanda, if I can keep talking him into going. Thats okay. Youre really okay with this? His brows rose. Of course. Part of me hoped Id be well enough. Brian looked at me carefully. Well go together. Dont worry. He ran his hand across my face again and then across my head. Ill kinda miss this. He laughed softly playing with my bald head. I wont. Wont what? He looked at me. Wont miss it. When? He pulled up the corners of his mouth just slightly. Now I got it. I smiled back. When Im all better and I have shiny hair again. Hmm. He said looking at me. What? I wonder what color itll grow in this time? He smirked. I laughed and leaned my head forward into his chest. He reached his arm around my

back and pulled my body next to his until we faced each other. I felt lighter. I felt healthier. I felt hopeful. I snuggled into him and put my arm around his waist and ran my hand slowly up and down his back. I love you, I whispered into his chest. I love you, too. I could feel his chin on my head. Once again, life felt good. --We all had a big dinner on our porch that night. My hammock was still the most comfortable place for me. Jaron offered the prayer and I had to peek up at Joseph to see what he was doing. His eyes were closed at first, but he must have sensed he was being watched because he opened his eyes and I smiled at him briefly before closing mine again to hear the end of the prayer. I didnt eat anything. My appetite had completely disappeared. Right now food meant throwing up, and it was really hard to get past that. Brian didnt miss anything and came out with a shake, which I happily drank. Poor Nathan was filled with disappointment that he couldnt have a shake for dinner. So, are you headed to Mom and Dads next? I asked Joseph at the end of the evening. No, I need to get back home. Mostly I wanted to see you and Jaron. He was twelve the last time I saw him. Joseph looked like he hardly believed that. Give Lori and those babies a hug for me will ya? Oh, theyre both running around now. He smiled. The baby part of their life is disappearing fast. Wow. Yeah. Time flies. Yes it does, I agreed. And all I could hope is that the last bits of my chemo would fly by as fast as I wanted them to.

TWENTY-NINE Eleven of Twelve So Close Monday came. My mother arrived the night before as was standard, and Brian and I left in the morning. Jaron and I thought it would be better if she didnt know that Joseph had just

been here. Hed see Mom and Dad at some point in time. Walk with me inside? Brian asked, after he opened my door at the hospital. Thatd be great. I made him climb up on the bed with me. He was happy toeven though we both knew he had work to do. I ignored the nurses setting me up and lay on Brians chest. It was the only place I wanted to be. Morning you two, Dr. Watts said as he came in. He stopped when he got to the foot of my bed and I smiled down at him from my spot on Brian. Well, its nice to see you back, Leigh. Youve honestly had me a little worried. A woman, nearly as tall as him with long brown hair stood behind him. Id like you to meet my wife, Abby. Hes told me so much about you, Leigh. Hes lost quite a few nights sleep over you lately. She walked up the side of my bed to stand next to me. Sorry. Its okay. Its one of the reasons I love him so much. He cares a lot about what he does. She exchanged glances with her husband. And he does it well. I smiled. I felt terrible, but more okay than I had since the beginning. Only two more, Leigh. Dr. Watts rested an arm on his wife. And then you can start healing back up again and continue on. Yep. I smiled up at Brian and he tightened his arms around me. It was nice meeting you finally. Abby smiled at me. You too. I nodded. Its amazing, Ive known your husband for all this time and I sometimes forget that he has a life outside of all this craziness. Me and two kids. April and Henry. How old are they? Eleven and thirteen. I bet it went fast, I mused. Very, she agreed. But its been a lot of good years. Thanks for coming in. Im glad I was more myself today than I have been. Me too. Dr. Watts wrapped his arm more tightly around his wife and they started to walk out together. Well see you very shortly, Leigh. And thank you for finally picking up your scrip. Dr. Watts smiled again as they walked out the door. Yep. Shortly. For the last one.

--Mom left on the Friday after treatment eleven, as was our routine. That first weekend after a hospital session was a lot easier now that Brian wasnt working at the bar. He was over at Stuarts house when Nathan came in from school Monday. Leigh, I dont feel good. How dont you feel good? I asked. My stomach hurts. Well, your daddy is next door. Can you walk over there? I asked. We hadnt had to deal with any sickness all winter. I didnt want to start now. I was way too weak. He threw up all over the floor. I grabbed my phone and called Brian, but couldnt just leave Nathan standing in front of a puddle of his own vomit. I stood up and helped Nathan walk to the bathroom. Brian, Nathans sick. Im on my waydont touch him, Leigh. Too late. I hung up. I put my arms around Nathan and let him to the bathroom. I rinsed a washcloth in the sink to clean his face, and sat him on the floor. Better? A little. Your daddys on his way. I stood up and washed my hands, panic starting to set in. Leigh? Brians worried voice called from the door. Were in here. My body leaned against the counter for support. My legs shook, from both weakness and adrenaline. Brian picked up Nathan and ran him out of the house. Dont move, Leigh! he called back as he went out the front door. I didnt know what to do, so I did as told. I sat and waited for Brian. He was back in minutes. In the shower, now. Lets get you cleaned off. I didnt argue. I sat down in the bottom of the tub and let the water wash over me. Brian helped me lift the wet clothes over my head, and started to scrub the tiny room with Clorox. Ill be right back. Im going to clean up the mess in the kitchen. Do you think you can get out of the tub on your own? I dont want to touch you until Ive had a chance to shower as well. Are we taking this a little too far? I asked. But part of me knew we werent. Not with how weak my body was. Nope. He smiled, trying to keep his voice light. Ill be right back. I scrubbed myself off with soap and crawled out of the tub, pulling a towel over my shoulders and stepped into our room.

Brian came in freshly showered a few minutes later. He didnt look quite as frantic as before and helped me get dressed in clean pajamas. He sat on the bed facing me and took my hands in his. Wheres Nathan? I asked. Staying with the pregnant nurse next door. A corner of his mouth pulled up. Well, she cant get sick! He shouldnt be there. Id feel horrible if Megan and Jaron got sick, just because I wasnt supposed to. Better her than you. Shes a nurse, shes pregnant and she works with sick kids. Her immune system is solid. Worry about your brother. He tried to laugh. I felt bad about what they were all doing for me. Youve been so accommodating lately... He smiled. Will you do me a favor? Im not going to like it, am I? I asked, wrinkling up my nose in anticipation. But after being so horrible, for so long, Id do anything he asked. Dinner and a sleeping pill? Just to make sure your body gets the rest? I sighed. Id love to. Yes, I can see that. He touched my face softly. Thank you, Leigh. Only because I love you. Whatever works. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I didnt need the sleeping pill. I was exhausted even from the small bit of excitement wed had. I ate a few bites of frozen yogurt and drifted off, snuggled as close to Brian as I could manage.

THIRTY Lost Leigh can you hear me? I need you to try to stay awake for a minute. Can you do that? Brian sounded panicked. Well, he sounded like he was trying not to panic, which was worse than panicking. Maybe if you hadnt made me take a pill my throat felt full, and I was freezing. Whats the matter? Youre burning up. Im taking you in.

Im freezing. My teeth chattered and my eyes felt too heavy to open. He slid a hooded sweatshirt over my pajamas, picked me up, and carried me to the car. I clutched myself to Brian every time I could feel him touching me. I wasnt aware of a whole lot else until I was pulled away from him. My protest was brief. I didnt have the strength to put up a fight. My body shivered on and off for what felt like hours. I heard Brians voice and nurses voices. I heard Dr. Watts at some point in time, but I didnt know if he was talking to me or someone else. Their voices sounded stressed, but it didnt matter. I couldnt wake up. I didnt want to. The noises around me got frantic, but I happily slipped into a dream. Nothing but warm light and happiness surrounded me. I didnt know where I was, and it didnt matter. My whole body felt consumed with love and warmth. I never wanted to leave. I floated in my dream and time didnt matter. I could do anything. I could feel my power, but it was the kind of power that made me feel like anything was possible. Like miracles were the simplest things in the world. It seemed like if I could just concentrate on any one thing long enough, Id know everything about it. I was too happy to bother doing that, though. Instead I drifted in the peace. I didnt feel like throwing up. I felt strong, invincible. Then something heavy on my head and warm. It was good. I felt familiar words, and relaxed into it. I was ripped out of my dream and slammedlike hitting wet pavement after a freefall. My body felt both weak and heavy at the same time. Id been cheated for trusting that warm touch. I drifted into a different sort of dream then, one where I was desperate to wake up and couldnt. I tried to run down a hallway, but my legs wouldnt work, they were still too weak and shaky. Something chased me. I wanted to just open my eyes and end it. This is why I didnt like taking the sleeping pills. Why had I let Brian talk me into taking that stupid pill? My head fogged. I remembered Brian waking me up. Had we left the house? I couldnt recall. My eyelids were sandpaper when I opened them. Dim hospital lights covered the ceiling. Was I in for another treatment already? Brian had my hand in his two. He leaned over the side of my bed wearing scrubs. His head bowed down and his eyes closed. Bri? I tried to whisper it but my throat felt dry and swollen. His head jerked in my direction. He squeezed my hand in his. Oh, Leigh. Thank God. He kissed my hand and I didnt think Id ever seen him that relieved. What was going on? He closed his eyes again. I saw his chin tremble, trying hard not to cry. He took a few deep breaths in, caressing my hand the whole time. How do you feel? Fuzzy, I whispered.

A nurse walked through the door. Ive called Dr. Watts. Hes on his way over. She checked my monitors. Morning sleepyhead. Tory smiled. What happened? He leaned over. Well talk when she leaves. Itll take Watts a while to get here. Okay, Leigh, well come back in after your doctor, okay? She didnt wait for a response and left. My body hurt, like Id been here too long. He could see it in my face. Youve been out for three days. You got Nathans flu and got it quick. Thats our best guess. He held my hands and touched my face over and over. Ive never been so scared my whole life. Three days. Id just lost three days and I didnt even know it. You look tired, I whispered. I tried to squeeze his hand, but I had no strength. Couldnt sleep, he responded. For three days? My heart ached for him as my heavy lids tried to take over again. I took a few naps I think. I tried to reach my hand up to touch his face but he took it in his hand instead. Morning, Leigh. Dr. Watts walked in smiling. You gave us all quite a scare. I let my eyes reluctantly drift toward him. Im stuck here for a while, arent I? I whispered. My voice still wouldnt do more than that. Most definitely. He rested his hands on the side of my bed. You are one lucky girl. Your body did not have the strength to fight something like that off. Nathan? I looked over at Brian. I was suddenly worried, if the sickness did this to me, what had it done to him? Hes fine, Leigh. And before you ask, neither Jaron nor Megan got sick at all. I took a slow breath out and relaxed. Well, Leigh, it looks like were on the mend then. Im much relieved and Ill see you tomorrow. Sooner if you need me. When you think you can eat something, let Brian know. But Id start with something easy like jell-o. Thanks. Three days. That was a long time. How close had I come to losing my life and I hadnt even known it? How would I have felt if positions were reversed? I looked over at Brian. Married eight months and gone through more than most people after years. You must be stiff. Im more worried about you. My voice sounded horrible. You would be. He smiled. Tell me to stop if somethings uncomfortable. He started with my feet and massaged very lightly up my legs. He lifted them slightly and bent my

knees for me. It felt wonderful. He carefully massaged my arms and shoulders. Come here, I whispered. He leaned towards me and kissed me on the head. All I want to do right now is to hold you, and I cant. His hand ran across my forehead. Soon. I smiled. A nurse came in with another bed for Brianorders from Dr. Watts. He scooted it as close to me as he could and we lay next to one another. Brian didnt leave my side. I drifted in and out but every time I woke up, he lay there, watching. Dr. Watts appeared again at the end of his day. How we doing in here? he asked as he came through the door. Im worried about Brian, I said. Brian shook his head. Watts checked Brians eyes quickly with his flashlight. I agree. He tucked his flashlight back in his pocket. Ill be right back. He came back in with a smile on his face. I have one for each of you. One what? Brian looked nervous. Youre no good to anyone without sleep, Brian. Dont worry, youre a big guy. Leighs just about to get hers, and Id bet money youre awake long before her. Dr. Watts laughed a little and handed us each a pill. You can wait for your meds in your IV, Leigh, if you like, but I dont think youll need anything to sleep. And dont tell anyone Brian got one, hes not technically a patient, he whispered. Brian still held the offensive little white pill in his hand. I dont think so. Brian shook his head and tried to hand it back to Dr. Watts. Dr. Watts stood there, making no move toward him. Im not at home... there are people in and out I dont want to feel that out of control. Watts smiled wider. Look over at your wife Brian and tell her you wont do what the doctor wants you to because you dont trust the people here enough to take care of you while youre asleep. Brian let out a short hard breath and stuck the pill in his mouth. I tried not to laugh. Like I said, Brian, it probably wont affect you much, but everyone here needs you to get rest and I know you well enough to not try and send you home. Well see you two in the morning. Brian didnt say anything. He lay down then and looked at me through the handles on the side of the bed. Im sorry, Leigh. The physical stuff is so obvious. Sometimes I feel like thats the only thing youre dealing with.

Go to sleep, Brian. I tried to smile. Im working on it. He reached his hand over to touch mine and drifted off. No way that little white pill worked that fast, he was just that tired. I was about to do the same. --Watts was right. Brian sat awake and watching me when I woke. Morning, I mumbled. You look thoughtful. I need to tell you something, he said. Okay. My brain scrambled to push the sleepy haze away. Remember at the beginning of all this mess when Jaron and I gave you a blessing? Yeah. I paused. He looked at me, waiting for a sign I remembered and then he continued. I was waiting to hear the words that youd be healed, and they never came. It terrified me for months. Oh, Brian. I reached my hand toward him and he took it. My chest caved for what that must have done to him. When I stood next to your hospital bed and you were unconscious and had been unconscious and I thought I might never see you smile at me again I called Jaron to come help me give you another blessing. I kept getting the answer over and over that youd be okay. Brian smiled a little and shook his head. I felt hysterical, knowing your definition and knowing what it meant. Thats why I couldnt sleep. I had to watch you. I prayed so hard. I prayed for an answer that had some substance to it thats when you woke up. I knew in that moment youd be okay. And my definition of okay, meaning here with me. He leaned toward me and kissed my cheek. I cant believe what youve done with me, for me I love you, Leigh. This is what love is. What love should be. His words filled me, relaxed me, and made me feel like the only thing Id ever need was to be close to him. And I was.

THIRTY-ONE Stuck

This is one of those times where nothing I decide feels right. Dr. Watts said as he sat down in my room. It was after his work-day and he slumped in a chair, defeated. What are the choices? I asked. After you coming in here with the flu, Im worried about how weak your body is and if doing the final treatment is a good idea. I dont know if your body is strong enough to handle it, and I dont know if I want to find out. He sat there and stared at me for a moment. At the beginning you said something about possibly going longer, and now were talking about doing less? I asked. He nodded. I feel like Ive been doing this long enough that I should know, but Im too involved. I like you two too much to make a non-biased decision. Isnt this the part where you talk to colleagues? Brian asked. And I have. He exhaled hard. And? Brian urged. Theyre in agreement that we go ahead with it because of the numbers in the fluid at the beginning. The fact that its round two for her, and were watching her so closely Okay. I looked at Dr. Watts. I hoped he could read the peace in my expression. Brian and I were a force now that couldnt be kept from moving forward. He glanced toward Brian. Brian squeezed my hand and then nodded to Dr. Watts as well. Okay then. I guess thats settled. He made no move to get up. So what are you two doing when this mess is all over? Brian got a great job that almost doesnt feel like a job, and it looks like were moving to Seattle. I smiled up at Brian. When Im feeling up to it, of course. Dr. Watts nodded. I have a good friend there who can take over for me when you go. Were also taking Nathan to the temple, I said. Again, as soon as Im up to it. Let me know when that is. Id like to be there if Im not intruding. Not at all. Brians thumb traced the back of my hand. Wed love to have you. Well Dr. Watts stood in the doorway. I guess one more then, Leigh. Eat what you can. Youre going to need your strength. He attempted a smile. --I didnt go home at all. Dr. Watts had been right. My body was done with this. It was my worst treatment yet. There was only so much they could do to make me comfortable. Brian was about to go crazy, even though he hid it well. Id never seen him so prayerful in my life. His voice was the only thing I could concentrate on. I lay there as still as I could be and listened to him read scriptures. The familiar rhythms and his soft voice gave my brain a peaceful place to go to so I could focus on something

other than how terrible I felt. We sat for hours, my head on his chest or on his lap while his scriptures lay out in front of him. I knew in a couple of days it would probably be worse. All I could do was hope that Brians reading would still make me feel better. You need sleep, Leigh Brian stood over me, lightly stroking my head with his fingers. I shook my head. His brows pulled together. Im afraid Ill just slip away from you. That you wont be able to do anything and No. He shook his head. I saw nothing but peace and confidence in his face. Youre going to be fine, Leigh. I know it. I looked into his brown eyes and put all my trust in him. I turned myself over to him in a way that I would have never imagined. For the first time since we were married, I completely relied on him, his priesthood, his testimony, the things he knew to be true. I held his hand and slowly closed my eyes, slipping into sleep. He would keep me here. I knew he would be here when I woke up. And I knew I would wake up. My final few days in the hospital passed slowly, as if the rotation of nurses and hospital smell and routine would never end. I focused on Brian and the Spirit that he kept in the room for both of us. --Its time to go home, Leigh. Brians voice whispered in my ear. A smile spread across my face. That sounds wonderful. I was done. It had felt like it would never happen. Look, Leigh. He pulled out his dog tags. We made it.

ENDINGS AND BEGINNINGS Going home was about being together. I didnt care what else happened. I loved the quiet peace in our house and the exuberance Nathan brought to us when he came home from school. Mom and Dad made several trips back and forth over the following weeks. She slept at Megan and Jarons place now. Her help wasnt as immediately needed as it had been, and all I wanted was my family. Brian had to make one short trip to Seattle. Both John and Mark encouraged Brian to take the time his family needed before moving. If he was able to meet with them like this,

they were okay with us taking a few months to get there. As much as I wanted to go to St. George for our sealing, Brian suggested that it might not help me enjoy the experience if I was recovering from the drive and spending the night somewhere other than my own house. I reluctantly agreed. We headed to the Provo temple. This was the town where Brian, Nathan and I had fallen in love. It had been our home our first year together. I sent Joseph an email invite knowing he wouldnt come. Wed at least reached a place where we could talk and write, and it felt good to have that casual communication. So, were all going inside together? Nathan asked. He pulled at his tie. Yep. Brian smiled at him in the rearview mirror. And they seal us? he asked. Yep. I turned back at him from the passengers seat. Like with glue? I laughed. Like with invisible glue that makes sure we all get to be together in heaven. But if you die and Im still on earth, the glue wont work. His brows pulled together in confusion. Brian lost all the air in his lungs. I smiled and put my hand on his shoulder as I leaned toward the backseat. The glue still works, Nathan. We just wont see each other until were all there. Oh. He seemed disappointed. Nathan, it might seem like a long time to you, but if Im with our Heavenly Father again, it wont seem like a long time to me, okay? He seemed perfectly satisfied. Okay. Besides, Im getting better now. I reached back and grabbed his knee. Nathan looked satisfied. Brian looked stressed. I rubbed his shoulder a few more times and he took a breath in to try and relax. When we stopped in the temple parking lot my parents were already there. Nathan jumped out to greet them. I took Brian by the hand. Look at me, Brian. He did as asked. We made it. He nodded. He turned toward me in his seat and leaned his head back. Ive learned so much, he started. It felt like, for so long, that you were just slipping away from me and I was powerless to stop it. Those few weeks after Andy, there was nothing for me to hold onto. I was terrified that I was going to be right there next to you and youd just keep slipping way until you disappeared. Im so sorry, I tried to say but he cut me off. Then, during Josephs visit, when you called me over? Feeling you lean into me in a way that you hadnt since the beginning, you have no idea. He paused for a moment, watching

my face, taking it in. And then there I was again, standing next to your hospital bed, feeling so powerless. Your brother came in and we gave you a blessing, but it felt like walking through sand. Like we were headed in the right direction but at any time the tide would come in and take it all away. He stopped again and I reached my hand out to his. I loved the feeling of our hands together. Ive always been one to live for whats coming next. When I realized I liked you, I lived for the time when we could be together, then I was impatiently waiting for us to be married. We both smiled. After that I was waiting to be done with college, and waiting for us to have Nathan the way were about to do. There have been a million tiny moments Ive let slip through my fingers. A million little bits of perfection that I could have simply sat in and soaked up and enjoyed. I never want to miss out on something because Im looking forward to something else. I feel like I have a hold on things again. I love right now. I want to keep loving right now. I love you so much. I leaned forward and kissed him, putting my arms around his neck and pulling him closer. I heard a knock on my window and jumped back. Jaron tapped his watch against the window. Guess we should go in. Brian grinned. --Nathan stared at everything in the temple with wide eyes. The lighting, the artwork I kept telling him what a unique experience this was. I hadnt come inside until Id been about fifteen or so. I enjoyed every minute of that day. I actually paid attention to the man doing the sealing for us, unlike at our wedding. I listened to every word. I looked around at my family, at Dr. Watts and his wife. I looked at Brian the way I had on our wedding day, and I watched Nathan who still looked a little bewildered at the whole process. Our sealing was brief and to the point. They were well aware of our situation and my limited capabilities. They didnt seem so limiting anymore. Now that I wasnt afraid to ask for help, and now that I could understand the satisfaction for Brian in being able to help me the way he wanted. I leaned my weight on him and sat any time I felt dizzy or tired. I looked back at what Brian, Nathan and I had been through together over the past year. I couldnt believe wed made it. I was so grateful Id made it. When Brian and I had gotten married, I had felt like my life couldnt get any better. Now here we were, almost a year later with what felt like ten years of experience. We walked out of the temple and I saw them immediately - Joseph, Lori and their two kids. I couldnt believe how far theyd come. Joseph walked over grabbing me in a hug first, then Brian. He caught my brother next and stopped as he watched my parents come out behind us. I watched them halt in shock at seeing Joseph. Lori came to stand next to me. Brian put his

arm around my waist and Nathan kneeled down in front of the twins, waving and trying to get their attention. He knew them through photographs, nothing else. I cant believe you guys made it, I said quietly. My parents and Joseph stood talking and I wanted them to have privacy. He explained what a big deal it is to you guys when I got your email and I really pushed him to be here. Besides, Ive never been to Utah. She shrugged with a pleased smile. I could barely believe Layla and Jack were big enough to run around on the grass. I looked up to see Dad with his arms around Joseph. Moms tears flowed freely. I hoped this would be the beginning of our family being together the way we should have been all along. Well see you guys at home. Were going to head back and start dinner. Megan patted my shoulder. Jaron put his arm gently around her as they headed toward their car. Their baby would be here in a month. Amazing. I reached out and took Loris hand. I know its a big deal for you guys to be here. It was worth it. She smiled back. --There wasnt room for all of us on the porch, but we made it work. Mom was smiling, Dad was smiling and talking more than I ever remembered. Jaron sat quietly in the corner with his exhausted wife. I held on to Brian like I had the day we got married. I felt like I was finally moving forward the way I wanted to when Id first moved from home. But Id realized also that life experiences werent just gotten by moving forward, it was soaking up each minute of right now. Thats what Id learned this time, when I finally realized we were doing this all together.

LASTLY We stepped out into the June heat. My last treatment had been two months ago. All my shorts were too big, but they seemed to stay on anyway. Brian, Nathan and I all walked up to Crown Burger. There werent any in Seattle so I planned on stuffing myself with them before we left. I had about thirty pounds to gain. Im sure Dr. Watts would have rather me put it on with something less greasy and fried, but Nathan insisted. What could I say? We stuffed ourselves on the front porch and climbed onto my hammock. All three of us.

You know this always makes me nervous at first. I smiled at Brian. His head was at the opposite side of mine so we could look at one another. Our bodies were close and our knees and legs rested against each other. He laid his arm around my calves. Nathan snuggled in on my side. If the hammock comes down, the whole house is coming down. Brian laughed a little and took my bare calf in his hand. I got lost in Brians eyes and hoped I always would. I absently rubbed my hand up and down his lower leg as Nathan started reading Scaredy Squirrel, his favorite. Things Scaredy Squirrel is afraid of: Poison Ivy, tarantulas, green martians, killer bees, germs and sharks He turned the page. I closed my eyes and remembered a day more than a year ago when Nathan had spent the afternoon with me. Wed snuggled up together on the hammock in the back yard and had fallen asleep. I lay there with that little boy, this little boy and wondered if Id ever be a mom. And here we were. I opened my eyes again to see Brian looking at me. Were going to have a lot more days like this, I said. Thousands. He squeezed my legs toward his chest. Nathan sighed in exasperation next to me. Can I finish the story now? he asked. Yes, I answered, pulling him to me so I could kiss him on the head. You can finish the story. So now the squirrel has a new routine: Get up, look at view, eat a nut, look at view, jump from tree, play dead, climb back into tree, eat a nut, look at view, eat a nut, go to sleep. The End. Love you, Nathan. Love you, Mom. Love you, Leigh. Brian smiled widely. And as impossible as it seemed only a month ago, I was alive, I was loved, and everything felt perfect.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

To my Grandma Betty, who I get my middle initial from, who I never got to meet.
First and foremost, I need to thank my good friend, and the girl who reads for shoes, Heather. I wasnt going to publish this book, even though I knew it had to be written halfway through The Next Door Boys. When I told her I was thinking of keeping it to myself, she freaked out. And thats when I put the work into it to get it published. As always, a special thanks for my EVER patient family, who knows that when Mommy says just a sec that the time could be anything from one minute to thirty. I didnt know if Leigh died or survived when I started writing this, but Im glad this ending felt like the right ending for the story. A special thank you to Mike, who watched me cry while writing this, and patiently listened to not just one, but two beginnings of this story. Love you. Youre my forever.

You can find Jolene Perry and her other titles at www.jolenebperry.com

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. Copyright 2012 No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval systems, without prior written permission of the author except where permitted by law. Published by Jolene Perry The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.