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FRANK !""#N NA$# N#% # !&'R 'F THE JUDGE

Fran( ibben, once the forei)n de*uty editor for The Judge, has no+ earned the title of editor at the once *resti)ious

THE SMUDGE
THE FLEA AND COMPOSER FAILURE, DEAD. WAS IT A MUTUAL HOMICIDE?
Vernon Halliday and Clive Linley, both 49, found dead in hotel after careers crash!

THE MACABRE MOLLY COMPANY

.!7$ 89R4R!8#

&H#3

89RV!V# &H!8 L'N:, ne+s*a*er, He +ill be :!V#N &H# C!RC9$8&ANC#8/ the si-th editor to be *ut 2 :#'R:# LAN#, $9&9AL in char)e and have to FR!#N 'FaV#RN'N CL!V# face declinin) AN vie+in)
audience, .! have no fears,/ Fran( told us, .! have been +ith this )rou* for years no+, and bein) one of the 0unior editors, ! (no+ e-actly +hat (ind of chan)es +ill be needed to reverse the tide here, $y first ste* +ill be to fire all the senior staff 1e1bers, After all, you (no+ +hat they say, 'ut +ith the old and in +ith the ne+,/ 2 &o1 Haley

March 16, 1998 #dition 56, Volu1e 9

#arlier this +ee(, t+o *o+erful #n)lish )entle1en +ere found dead in their hotel roo1s in A1sterda1, both a**arently havin) *oisoned the other in +hat a**ears to be a 1utual ho1icide, Vernon Halliday, e-; editor of The Judge ne+s*a*er in "ritain, resi)ned fro1 his *ost last +ee( after releasin) scandalous *hotos of <ulian :ar1ony to the )eneral *ublic on the front *a)e, %hether this resi)nation +as due to *ersonal sha1e caused by the story or a hand forced by the other editors of the ne+s*a*er has yet to be deter1ined, &he other 1an, one Clive Linley, +as co11issioned to co1*ose the $illennial 8y1*hony last year, 1uch to the cha)rin of 4aul $cCartney fans all around "ritain, &he *iece, described as a, .sha1eless co*y of "eethoven7s 'de to <oy/ by 1usic critic 4aul Lanar( +as su**osed to be *re1iered at the "ir1in)ha1 Free &rade Hall

this $onday ni)ht by the "ritish 8y1*hony 'rchestra under the

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another, ! even cau)ht the1 in one ar)u1ent yellin) about hy*othetical e-cre1ent over 1y +ife7s )rave! &hey had to be 1ad> !71 sur*rised they survived this lon), )iven the circu1stances,/ !n an atte1*t to *rove the 1ost recent .1utual suicide/ theory, the city of London *olice searched throu)h the houses of both Clive and Vernon, 'ur sources tell us that Clive7s house +as discovered to be in a *i)sty, +ith +ine and +his(y bottles stre+n about the floors, Also uncovered +ere *ro1iscuous notes in Vernon7s car fro1 a +o1an na1ed ana, !s this ana another +o1an in the Flea7s life, or is it the alternate identity of Forei)n 8ecretary, <ulian :ar1ony? !s she the real reason for Vernon7s death? %hile there are a nu1ber of theories surroundin) this 1ysterious double 1urder, one thin) is for sure> if there is a truth to be uncovered, The Smudge +ill find it, 2 "riony &allis

direction of fa1ous !talian conductor, :uilio "o, Ho+ever, )iven the co1*oser7s unti1ely de1ise and the refusal of several "8' 1e1bers to *lay the *iece, the *re1iere has been cancelled and in its *lace +ill be a ne+ *iece co1*osed by 8chubert, &he t+o bodies +ere discovered in each their res*ective beds, +ith lar)e needle 1ar(s left on their u**er ar1, After blood sa1*les +ere tested, it +as sho+n that their bodies both contained lar)e a1ounts or 8odiu1 &hio*ental, 4ancuroniu1 "ro1ide, and 4otassiu1 Chloride, all co1*onents to a lethal in0ection, :iven that euthanasia is le)al in A1sterda1, it is believed the t+o friends too( advanta)e of the situation, 'n bein) as(ed ho+ the t+o +ere doin) near the end of their lives, close friend :eor)e Lane said, .&hey +ere both actin) =uite rava)e to+ards one

&he $acabre $olly Co1*any

FA$'98 !&AL!AN C'N 9C&'R CA9:H& %!&H 9N #RA:# $98!C!AN,

3ou7re su**osed to double ton)ue the oboe, not the oboist,
:uilio "o, the fa1ous !talian conductor, set to head the $illennial 8y1*hony alon)side the no+ deceased Clive Linley, +as recently cau)ht in the act +ith the second chair 'boist in the "ritain 8y1*hony 'rchestra, 5@; year old Cressida Curts, $r, "o is currently under arrest for statutory ra*e and denies (no+in) of her real a)e, and states that she told hi1 she +as 5A, Fro1 an intervie+ in his cell, he told our re*orter, .8ee? !n the "8', there is su**osed to be an a)e li1it, No one under 5A and the reason for it is si1*le, &he "8' is under a very ri)orous schedule all the ti1e, +e7re *racticin) for the sa1e a1ount of hours a +ee( that you e-*ect a doctor to be +or(in), Ho+ do you e-*ect a 3ear 5B student +ith :C#s co1in) u* to be able to co1*ro1ise those t+o thin)s?/ Ho+ever, havin) access to Cressida7s records, +e +ere able to find t+o i1*ortant details, 'ne is that Cressida in fact, 1oved here fro1 A1erica and havin) started school early there, +as *ut into a 3ear;level above her a)e )rou*, 8econd, Cressida turned 5A the day after the act +as ru1ored to ta(e *lace, &his case is sure to be on the hi)hli)hts in the +ee(s to co1e as the *eo*le ar)ue over +hat ha**ened and +hether or not it +as le)al, %hile $s, Curts states that +hat they did +as consensual, her *arents are ar)uin) that $r, "o had forced her into co11ittin) se-ual acts and she is too )ullible and youn) to understand, &hey7re *leadin) 8toc(hol1 syndro1e on her behalf, &here are also ru1ors that $r, "o has se-ually harassed other fe1ale 1e1bers of the "8' and the case 1ay soon turn fro1 one isolated case into a class action la+suit a)ainst :uilio "o, &he hearin) is scheduled to ta(e *lace ne-t %ednesday, and you can e-*ect The Smudge to have a live online covera)e on)oin) at that ti1e, 2 Henry 4ero+ne

UNCLE SAM OR AUNT SAMANTHA?

Forei)n 8ecretary lives hidden life fro1 *ublic
<ulian :ar1ony, the e-;Forei)n 8ecretary, recently had a 1a0or victory in %ashin)ton, hel*in) the "ritish *re*are for 1ore ne)otiations +ith the 9,8, as the years a**roach, but that +as no hel* in the 1ost recent event in his secret *olitician life, <ulian has unveiled *hotos of hi1self to the *ublic, revealin) that he has been livin) a secret life of those he

*reaches to hate, After discoverin) that these *hotos +ere to be *ublished in an o**ortunity to increase ratin)s for The Judge, <ulian too( a bold 1ove in choosin) to release the *hotos hi1self on a true )ut;+renchin) e*isode on Channel 'ne Ne+s, Ho*in) to beat the

&he $acabre $olly Co1*any throu)h and +ith 1y *olitical career in sha1bles, 1i)ht ! add,/ :ar1ony chuc(led, .&here is only one obvious ans+er to +hat ! 1ust do, ! need to hel* all of these *eo*le in attainin) e=ual ri)hts +ith everyone else in "ritain, At first, ! +as asha1ed of +hat these *ictures sho+ed of 1e, ! thou)ht ! +as +ea(, +o1anly, and in no one7s eyes, a 1an, "ut, ! +as e-actly the o**osite, and ! a1 *roud these *hotos )ot released for everyone to see, ! a1 no one7s slave, and these *hotos +ill only hel* 1e *ush this cause for+ard,/ %hile everyone is +onderin) over +hether or not this is 0ust a folly on :ar1ony7s *art, and a horrible atte1*t at re)ainin) *olitical )round, there is a lar)e audience )atherin) behind this 1an of hi)h re*ute, and certainly, an ensuin) battle bet+een cultural nor1s shall be ta(in) *lace in "ritain very soon, 2 $ichael "eard

1edia to destroyin) his i1a)e, he too( it u*on hi1self in a last;ditch effort to (ee* his follo+in), 8adly, this 1ove +as e-actly +hat did hi1 in, and +hile the *oliticians could besto+ for)iveness or tolerance, they +ould refuse to be +or(in) +ith so1eone of such vulnerability to ad1it to the *hotos bein) real, "ein) done for, the =uestion at lar)e no+ is +ho +ill be runnin) for the ne+ 4$ s*ot? %ith :ar1ony out of the runnin), there are a lot 1ore viable candidates )oin) for the *osition, :ar1ony has no+ be)un +or(in) +ith the &ransvestite 4in( Alliance, .8eein) only a 1ar)in of +hat these *eo*le )o

R'8# 8AV#8 CH!L 78 L!F#

No, not the actual flo+er,
#ven after <ulian :ar1ony7s 1ost recent do+nfall, his +ife has not sto**ed savin) children7s lives, #arlier this +ee(, Rose :ar1ony had saved child Candy7s life after a lon) and arduous 1a0or o*en heart sur)ery *erfor1ed on the youn) )irl, %hen +e as(ed for an intervie+, a nearby nurse told us, .&here7s a bed of the1 in the )arden outside, +hy don7t you )o tal( to the1?/ Ho+ever, +hen +e +ent outside, the only thin) to be discovered +ere tuli*s and daisies, no Rose in si)ht, After enterin) a)ain, +e +ere *olitely as(ed to leave by the nurse, %e recently sent a letter to the children7s hos*ital in=uirin) about the nurse7s intelli)ence, After di))in) u* so1e history on Rose, +e discovered that she used to +ant to be a concert *ianist, until she 1et future husband <ulian, id this cross; dressin) *olitician have that (ind of *ersuasion over others, 1a(in) the1 s+itch fro1 a beautiful, illustrious career in the arts to a borin), life;savin) 0ob in the 1edical field? %hen one of our interns a**roached the :ar1ony household in an atte1*t to )et another co11ent fro1 Rose, $r, :ar1ony ans+ered, this ti1e in a 1an7s suit, and

(indly as(ed us to, .Cbu))erD off!/ !t a**ears that not only does every rose

&he $acabre $olly Co1*any have its thorns, but every :ar1ony does, 2Florence 4ontin)

&he $acabre $olly Co1*any +as founded bac( in 59AA by "riony &allis, an old +o1an +ith a fierce love for +ritin), Havin) served as a nurse in %%!!, "riony sa+ 1en, +o1en, and children ali(e die, and she believed that the *o+er of +ord alone +ould be able to sto* so1ethin) as
&+ins horrendous as %%!! fro1 ha**enin), and started this *a*er in the ho*es of achievin) this idea, &he $acabre $olly Co1*any E5F $c#+an Lane