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The

Mister &
Miss
Annual
Satellite
Newsbroad
caster
Beauty
Pageant
ANTHONY ST. JOHN

I have always esteemed CNN for one precise motive: From


its inception the satellite newscaster has steadfastly
selected broadcasters without regard for their race or sex.
We have been awarded with a variety of characters hailing
from all spots on the planet, and while all commentators
have been obliged to speak English clearly and distinctly,
none of them have been snubbed because they did not
enunciate with an Oxford or Cambridge inflection. I find
that refreshing.

I am fond of the CNN graphics department as well. I think it


designs the best guise of all the satellite stations with the
BBC often coming in a close second. CNN’s presentations
are elegant, ingenious and they are transmitted at a
pleasant pace. I am even sometimes delighted to watch
the commercials because they also permeate a pleasing to
the eye appearance.

I have been watching CNN on and off since it started its


satellite ball rolling.
In August 1984 at the Hotel Dante Lugano in Switzerland,
the receptionist invited me to tune in on, in my room, a new
satellite, all-news station called CNN. I had heard about the
world-wide transmission before and was anxious to have a
look for myself for the first time. I liked it—watched more of
it when not sightseeing in the beautiful Lugano. On the
second day of my sojourn, the LARRY KING LIVE show
popped up and, low and behold, there was a coiffed Larry
King wearing a tie! (I do not remember if he wore
suspenders.) I re-identified him instantly, and then I
ruminated about what I had seen in him before—Larry had
interviewed me on WIOD radio in Miami in the early 1970s
when he wore a sports shirt without a tie and drank coffee
after coffee from a Styrofoam cup—that now would have
propelled him to start on that trajectory which would make
of him one of the most-recognized faces on this planet. And
I was proud. For him, for me. After all, I too, had become
one of the more than 30,000 interviewees he had grilled
during his thirty-five years (1996) of interviewing! (Larry
will never win a beauty contest. Saddam Heussin is more
bello than he is!)

CNN has come a long way since 1984. Indeed. And so


have the other satellite broadcasting companies that have
come to emulate it. BBC is exceptional in its reportage but
can be staid to the point of being zapped. If you want to
know about English culture or English news, I find SKYNEWS
to be very informative and low-brow without being scrappy.
On the other hand, FOX—apart from its political bias which I
find alarming—is disjointed, often rude and excessively
meat and potatoes. FOX is conservative and I find that
traditionalists want to see things always in black and white
conditions. I never watch RAI (Italian state television) on
satellite because they are serviced by the big satellite
broadcasters and there is no need to stay tuned.
Unfortunately, the news about Italy always leaves me
perplexed. Can I believe what they are dishing out? Is the
broadcaster’s news copy blue-penned with insertions and
proofreaders’ marks inscribed to satisfy the whims of some
political splinter group? And the RAI telecronisti recite the
news as if they are chanting the Dies Irae at a funeral
ceremony.

Whenever I connect to my sat service (SKY) I zap through


SKYNEWS, FOX, CNN, CNBC and BBC to see if any of my
favorite Beauty Queens are on the air. SKYNEWS girls are
attractive and sedate; FOX lasses are adorable and prissy
and remind me of old Doris Day movies; CNN babes are a
little snobby and Christiane Amanpour’s, The Mother Hen of
CNN, dress code disappoints me: She looks as if she is on
her way up a mountain to interview Fidel Castro in
revolutionary days or has just come out of a spider hole in
the Middle East; NBC sweeties are saucy; and, BBC
mademoiselles are….

I have a confession to make. I’m in love with a satellite


newscaster. In all honesty. And I want to see how my
Secret Love would fair in a Miss Satellite Newsbroadcaster
Beauty Pageant. She’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen slip
through a satellite dish. Can you guess who she is?

I must go. Have to clean my lip smudges off my TV screen.


I love my Ethereal Goddess so much that the front of my TV
is always fogging up with my smacks for her, and I can’t
distinguish Ronald Rumsfeld from Dick Cheney.

Toodleoo.

Anthony St. John, a resident of Calenzano, has been living


in Italy since 1 May 1983.
Send him your kindest regards through
www.scribd.com/thewordwarrior

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