Christian Personal Relationships

Contents
Christian Personal Relationships Today Outdo One Another in Showing Honor Speech and Wrongdoing Correction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 3 5 9 11 13 15

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Working on Conflicts in Relationships Relations Outside the Community - A Relations Outside the Community - B

1977

Notes for Background

The original headers for these outlines went from 4/76 to 9/77. This version was retyped from the original document. Formatting adjustments were made but the content was left as is other than a few small editing changes.

Christian Personal Relationships Today

Introduction Explain the course and this section. I. The situation today A. The world today is: a. In technological revolution b. Away from God increasingly rapid social change social relationships broken down values breaking down B. The result: an amorphous society 1. Without common values and norms 2. Without commitment or stability except family, yet... C. The effect on people: 1. Lack of certainty and stability leads to fear of commitment/order/authority leads to moodiness, depression 2. Feelings as the basis of relationships leads to moodiness, depression 3. Insecurity/loneliness/isolation leads to need of approval 4. Lack of affection/support leads to feeling of lack of self-worth 5. Neurosis normal

II. Relationships today A. People look for: a relationship with my girl/guy and a circle of like-minded friends, with one or two of whom have a special friendship. B. They seek relationships: something private/exclusive/possessive something based on mutual attraction (feelings) something based on being alike (need support in what we are) time spent together and sharing (of feelings) create the bond. C. Even Christians approach relations this way and read the scriptures this way.

III. The alternative A. Jesus - with him as the center, something new can come to be. B. Characteristics of the new life he wants to teach us: 1. It is relationship centered (making right commitments). He wants a system of love in which everyone is cared for. 2. The basis is a common ideal (Christianity) and a call to service. 3. Not determined by feelings, but by Jesus. not: I love but I dont like If we put him first, we can expect him to form feelings. 4. Open (in the light) - John 3:19-21. 5. Inclusive (reaching out to all). 6. Expressed (affectionate, respectful). C. He will teach us how

CPR: 9/77

Outdo One Another in Showing Honor

1. Honor and respect today A. In our society, people do not want to honor one another or show respect 1. It is a part of the more general fear and avoidance of authority, and isolation from others. 2. In particular, disrespect is used as a means of saying Im as good as your are. B. Yet God wants us to honor and respect one another. 1. Romans 12:10: Love one another with brotherly affection; outdo one another in showing honor. - Honor is a way of demonstrating that you value the other. It is possible to love people without honoring them (e.g., as you can be very chummy). We can be affectionate with one another without showing honor (e.g., as you would with a puppy). We honor our brothers and sisters because they are made in the image and likeness of God, and have become his children. 2. Respect (another translation of fear) recognizes the authority which God or our heads have over us. Precisely because we do not want to acknowledge authority, we do not want to show respect. But our respect for heads and other authorities is an acknowledgment of Gods authority.

II. Honoring one another A. Basic expressions of honor not an exhaustive list; not laws in some way just good manners; but they are good ways of showing honor to others 1. Greet people when we encounter them. 2. Introduce new people. 3. In conversation: Pay attention to others when they speak. Give them a response to what they say. Do not interrupt or dominate conversation. 4. Do not use dishonoring humor. 5. Be ready to serve others as a sign that they are important to you. 6. Accept the order of situations when we enter them. B. Receiving honor 1. We are resistant to receiving honor: usually because we fear that people will think we are

trying to be something special; or because we have little self-respect and feel uncomfortable with other giving us respect. 2. We should receive it, and not discourage others from obeying God by giving it.

III. Respect A. Some relationships in which we should show respect: younger to older/older to younger men to women/women to men If we are uncomfortable showing respect on the basis of sex, then we have not yet acknowledged that it is good that God made us men and women. parents to children/children to parents husbands to wives/wives to husbands heads to subordinates/subordinates to heads. B. Heads/subordinates as an example 1. We are to fear heads because they bear the Lords authority. As we have learned with the Lord Himself, fear can be compatible with a deep love. Respecting our heads does not depend upon a respect for their person. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Eph 5:21). 2. Some elements of respectful relationships We should look to the head for initiative and direction in situations. Not all initiative and direction, but the basic direction. Heads should make it easier for subordinates by taking initiative. If we are not the head, we should be careful about directing things. Subordinates should make themselves available to serve their heads. Subordinates should recognize that heads do a great deal to serve them, and should desire to serve in return in whatever ways they can. If we are not eager to serve, then something is lacking in our respect. 3. Heads should honor subordinates: Speak about them with honor. Give them commendation whenever it is deserved (be eager to do it) See that people under you are honored. Note: none of us should seek our own honor, but should receive it from others. Speak to subordinates respectfully (e.g., parents to children).

Conclusion God is creating a new culture among us, a culture which is based upon his values and his ways.

CPR: 1/13/77

Speech and Wrongdoing

Introduction Very much, maybe even most, wrongdoing is committed with the tongue. Yet these days little is said about sins of speech. It is an important area of personal relationships to have working correctly.

I. The Christian ideal (Eph 4:29) A. The ideal presented to us is very high, yet in the Lord it can be done. 1. We have to first of all be willing to change, and to admit our wrongdoing. 2. We have to consistently turn this area over to the Lord, and count on his help. B. Having speech in order is an important aspect of love (Prov 12:18) 1. It is often neglected these days; we have become used to bad speech. 2. Yet it is crucial (Prov 18:21a). C. James 3:2: We often underestimate the power which even our casual speech can have: 1. power to harm, cause resentment, antipathy 2. power to build up, to increase love and faith and hope.

II. Some problem areas A. Speaking Against (slander) 1. Speaking against is condemned by Scripture (2 Cor 12:20; 1 Pet 2:10; Rom 1:30; James 4:11; Matt 7:1). a. Speaking Against includes saying things which are true it is not just lying. b. Accusations, charges of wrongdoing or incompetence are speaking against. 2. In general, we should never speak against our brothers and sisters. There are exceptions to this rule when: a. We reprove someone for wrongdoing (Luke 17:3) more on this next week. b. We tell someones head abut wrongdoing more next week. c. Someones head may warn us about the wrongdoing of someone they are responsible for. d. We may at times talk to a wise and mature person to get some wisdom on how to respond to anothers wrongdoing.

B. Negative humor, negative speech 1. Much of the humor we engage in is based on something negative about another person. 2. It seems innocent to us, but it is hurtful, even if only slightly. 3. Negative humor (and other forms of negative speech) is usually a poor attempt at expressing something positive. a. It is a result of an impersonal society. b. We can have the genuine thing (real affection) and dont have to settle for this. C. Gossip 1. We should not talk about others unless there is a real purpose in it. Talking about others merely for the sake of talking about them is gossip. 2. When we do talk about others. a. It is fine to talk about others good qualities or successes. b. It is fine to talk about problems which do not at all reflect upon the persons character or competence. c. We should not talk about those things which reflect badly upon a persons character or competence (Prov 11:12). d. We should not normally share our brothers temptations and problems. e. We should not talk about courtship matters until the people involved are moving toward marriage and saying so publically. 3. We should not listen to gossip (Prov 17:4; 20:19). 4. We should be living in the light with one another, and we want to make it possible for us to do so. a. Our brothers and sisters should know that we will treat what they share with us respectfully. b. We should all be living in the light ourselves, and sharing things with those close to us. We should not let shame hold us back. D. Busybodies (1 Pet 4:15). We should not take responsibility for things which are not our responsibility. 1. We should not give criticism which is not our own (passing on others) nor evaluate activities we are not involved in. 2. We should not reprove people for things we did not witness. 3. We should not investigate or inquire into others lives and affairs unless we have a direct responsibility for them. even heads need to be heads only for people directly under their care. E. As a general rule, our speech about others should increase the love and respect of those who listen for the person spoken about. 1. Our speech should increase trust, and not stir up quarrels or mistrust. 2. If we think that we have a grievance against someone, we should speak to that person about it, and not to others.

3. If we think that someone is incompetent to fulfill their responsibilities, we should speak only to that persons head about it.

III.

Speech that strengthens

A. Speaking in faith and hope 1. Our speech should indicate to others that we have an active faith and hope in the Lord. 2. We should not engage in negative, despairing or hopeless speech. a. We can share difficulties as difficulties. b. We can and should ask for help when needed. 3. Much more will be said about this in the talk of thought life in the course on emotions. B. Expressing love and affection 1. We should learn how to express affection and personal support verbally (cf. talk #1). 2. It is important for us to learn how to share the positive things from our heart as well as the problems (e.g., our love of God, our desire to serve, etc.).

Conclusion Paul encourages us to learn how to speak so that everything we say gives grace to those who hear. If we make serious effort to improve, we will all experience grace as a result.

CPR: 5/76

Correction
I. Introduction A. To improve our relations: we must want to change, to help brothers and sisters to change. B. Christian: know an objective right and wrong, good and bad, not just personal preferences.

II. We should desire correction and receive it well A. Prov 12:1: He who loves discipline loves knowledge; the man who hates correction is stupid. B. John 3:19-21: We should want to have our wrongdoing and things we dont do so well exposed. me and getting it straightened out first (help of brothers and sisters) it is okay not to be all together. C. Responding right: if wrongdoing: we should be eager to ask forgiveness/make up for it/change it if not do so well: we should be eager to learn (explain to me how)/change not defending self (I did not do it/it was not wrong/it was not my fault) avoiding praise and blame we should thank those who correct us for doing so.

III. We should correct one another A. Approaches to getting change: 1. Normal: complaining about (Johnny never puts coat away) nag (Will you please do the dishes?) put pressure on (If you dont stop X, Im not coming home.) criticize (You are one of the sloppiest people I know.) make feel guilty (Your poor mother works all daysulk, cold shoulder.) manipulate (set up situation so hes never responsible for X; if I present it so, hell agree with me) indirect communication (hints/remarks/jokes). 2. The Lords way: say it directly: Col 3:16; 1 Th 5:11; Luke 17:3 correct/talk through/ask/put up with

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 difference between criticism and correction go to him speak directly to get a change variety of ways of correcting: Col 3:16 (teach, admonish), 1 Th 5:11 (exhort, encourage), Luke 17:3 (reprove). B. Based on right and wrong vs. good and bad not just because I didnt like it or was bothered (next week) theres a difference between right and wrong, good and bad, personal preferences dont expect repentance and forgiveness for good and bad. C. Do it differently according to the relationship: parents/heads: authoritative and responsible peers: offering and helpful overs: respectfully/accepting their judgment.

D. Do it differently according to wisdom. E. Ongoing correction should normally be reserved to heads. If someone needs a significant change, we should not take it on ourselves to work on that, but we should support them and encourage them. F. Context: kindness/rejoicing in/encouragement

IV. Underlying attitude: be your brothers paraclete

Note: It should be made clear that the teaching given here applies more in the community and cannot always be used outside the community. That will be discussed in talk 5.

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CPR: 4/76

Working on Conflicts in Relationships

(Inside the Community)
I. Ephesians 4:1-3: the basis: peace (not just lack of fighting) With Jesus as Head, in a good relationship, everything can be handled. Eph 4:3, 26: an eagerness for it, quickly resolving real difficulties. Eph 4:31: put away: malice (hatred), hostility, slander, strife (quarreling), bad temper. Matt 5:23; 18:15: go first to your brother or sister, not to somebody else. Dont talk against your brother and sister.

II. The way of working on difficulties A. If it is a matter of right and wrong: We need Christian wisdom; we need to know what is right and wrong. 1. Ask forgiveness for your part. 2. Reprove your brother or sister for what they did (cf. last weeks talk). 3. Resolve it: get a judgment from a head. B. If it is not a matter of right and wrong: 1. If something is better in a clear cut way, speak directly. If someone speaks to you about it, agree to change. Correct your brother or sister (cf. last weeks talk). 2. If not a clear cut matter, come to an agreement. e.g. do dishes, buy Brand X, dont slam the door, negative humor Agree clearly (check to see if we understand it the same way). Call one another to it. This helps the two expectations problem. 3. Col 3:13: put up with what is not wrong. e.g. small stuff, mannerisms, preferences the sandpaper ministry give up wanting things your way (the type of bread; the way I want my child treated) becoming sensitive to how we do things sense of humor (more bothered by mannerisms than calamities) not resentfully/with self pity, but eagerly. 4. Be open about your difficulties. not concerned with general openness here asking for mercy both accept it as a difficulty.

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III. The personality conflict Thank the Lord for it. Often reacting to something about ourselves. Pray for them. Talk with somebody.

IV. Rom 8:28: thank God for difficulties and conflicts The Lord chose to work with human beings. The kind of person we are is crucial: peace/patience/meekness.

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CPR: 5/76

Relations Outside the Community - A

I. Introduction explain CPR 5 and 6; refer back to FC I:4 types of relations: family/friends/roommates/co-workers (ongoing, significant)

II. We have to relate differently to people outside the community A. Scripture indicates it: 1 Pet 1:22; Col 4:5. B. We often have to handle them differently because of a lack of common agreement (sometimes a help, sometimes a harm). 1. e.g. reproof: can be experienced as me against you (in criticism) 2. e.g. asking forgiveness: often others cant receive it 3. e.g. often we cannot be as free in expressing affection 4. We should rely more heavily on kindness, patience, forbearance (Rom 2:4).

III. Dealing with conflict situations - (cf. last weeks talk) A. Rom 12:18: being men and women of peace (eliminating strife). - within the community, all can be worked out; outside, no - Titus 3:1-8: bending over backwards to avoid conflict - having a non-judgmental spirit, especially in areas of disagreement - being cooperative - being non-violent (yet firm and bold), dont bad-mouth people B. Know what limits you will go to (whats right and wrong) in conflict situations. - the need for Christian teaching - sometimes an agreement is the key (especially family and roommates) C. Put up with as much as its right to. - not true within the community - work for a change when it will help to do so - sometimes we are called to be heroic (Matt 5:38-42) D. If it goes beyond what is right, separate to the necessary degree. - quit job, see friend less often, move out - also if staying together just increases conflict

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- separation doesnt mean lack of love - rarely make a complete break (temporarily or to a limited degree). E. Rom 12:14; 19:21: dont fight back. - either in persecution or for vengeance - the Lord has not called us to experience peace (Luke 12:51-53), but to be men and women of peace.

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CPR: 5/76

Relations Outside the Community - B

I. Establishing right relations outside the community - There are relationships of authority and commitment for us outside the Christian community. - 1 Pet 2-3; Rom 12:14-13:4 - 1 Pet 2:9-10: the Christian community - a nation/people - Israel was a nation. - In the diaspora, resident aliens (own government, courts, laws, etc.) - For Christians, true authority, commitment is in heaven (Phil 3:20), with Gods people. - v. 11: we live here as aliens and exiles. - v. 13-17: respect, honor, obedience are due, because: 1. It is real authority (Romans 13:1-2). - Even when they do not acknowledge the origin of their authority or act righteously. - We must act according to our nature (to respect authority) not according to the evil in the situation (Rom 12:2). 2. Yet it is not spiritual authority: we do not follow it with an inner assent. 3. It is not unlimited: we must obey God first.

II. Government A. Rom. 13:6-7: we should be law-abiding and respectful, e.g., traffic laws, paying taxes. B. Qualifications 1. It is not always easy to know how (our intent is to be law-abiding). 2. At times we need to refuse to obey (Acts 4:19), but we should get the norm working right.

III. Family (parents or children not in the community) A. A major area where the past needs redemption (old reactions). - children: stubbornness/ingratitude/resentment/the guilt problems - parents in the community: confusion/resentment/guilt/anxiety B. Authority issue for children 1. Honor father and mother always. 2. Obey when are members of fathers household (often needs to be clarified by some agreement).

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3. There are limits to obedience and time spent with the family after leaves fathers house (Matt 10:37). - You dont always have to meet their demands, but you do have to do the right thing. - Take initiative to establish the relationships well. C. Parents: exercise authority, but with older children do it evangelistically not as in the Lord.

IV. Employer/employee (Eph 6:5-9; Tit 2:9-10) - employee: as to the Lord, faithful - employer: not a soft touch

Conclusion: light to the world (Phil 2:14-15)

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