Reflections An Holidays Past, Present And Future

A Short Story About My Family Dysfunction And My Desire To Live Free By Paula Matthews

While many people are joyfully hustling and bustling to prepare holiday meals and fulfilling holiday wishes, some of us have the holiday dreads. Its not a "bah humbug type of thing, but more of a, I know how this holiday will end kind of thing. Ive often said that if my family had a retail business it would be called Dysfunction R US. My family has the uncanny ability to take a peaceful, joyful family gathering and turn it into a brawl in which persons are actually thrown out of the house and told never to return. The last couple of visits, I was among the persons thrown out. Now before you become judgmental, let me explain how this thing works. I have been living in Los Angeles since 1997 and enjoying life away from my crazy upbringing. I had forgotten how strange things were until one day my dad asked, How does it feel to know that your family hates you? I laughed it off, but later I would learn that he was telling me the truth. My first stop was to my brothers house outside of New York City. Later his family would move back to Ohio. It started pleasant, but one day he told me he had to get something off of his chest. Then my brother began telling me how I had ruined his life. Mind you he is several years younger and I dont remember living in the same house with him during his high school years, and yet somehow I was to blame for all his failures in life. Then he explained about all my accomplishments and notoriety in high school; how it was hard for him to follow in my footsteps. He even blamed me for hating on his new wife before they got marriage and plotting against them. I had to remind my dear brother that I had just met his wife at the wedding. I never heard anything about her because while they were dating I was in a city far, far away living my own life. His response, Oh, I thought that was you. My response, So for the past thirteen or more years you have been angry with me because of what you thought I plotted against your wife? How is it now that you know the truth? I still hate you for what you did in high school. We all hated you. Just ask mom. That was my brothers only response. He said my mom was in agreement. So while he was standing there I called my mom. Before I could finish asking my question, my mom said, I know they hate you and I dont blame them. Who could live with somebody that accomplished all you did and not hate them. That was the moment that I clearly understood why I was hated. The only thing I was guilty of doing was having been successful in life. If thats not twisted thinking I dont know what is. So here I am back with a family that has hated me for years and now they 1

all want to confront me, not for all the wrong I did, but for all the good I achieved. My brother even went on to say how he also hated my other brother for all his accomplishments. He said that he was also going to have to set him straight for all the times he stole his girlfriends back in high school. I asked him to forgive and to move on with his life. He said that he didnt love people nor did he have the compassion that I had. He said he wanted to make people pay for what they did to him. At this point, I am stunned that a fifty-year old man could be stuck in his high school past. My brother had been an ordained pastor for over twenty-five years and now I understood why he had difficulty with various churches. Today this brother has left the church and turned his back on God. He told me that he would never submit to anyones authority ever again. This particular brother has become the catalyst for more dysfunction in the family. He constantly fans the flames of anger and discontent; and even creates scandals just for fun. Personally, I avoid him like the plague, but he always manages to speak evil of me wherever I go. In fact, he has such influence with the family that he causes them to surround me like Indians on the warpath. They dont think, they just respond to whatever he says and begin attacking me. Consequently, when I do come around family, it is only because God prompts me to do something kind and loving for my family. I like to keep love and peace flowing; but it is not always welcomed when my family gathers. My family revels in negative speech and exalting the problems and issues of life. By all means dont offer them solutions. They want to put their problems in a big stew pot and stir it over and over until they are ready to serve each person an ample portion on their plate. Here a perfect example. It was Labor Day weekend a year ago, my dad had moved to Ohio after his wife passed away that previous December. My mom and dad have been divorced for most of my adult life, but they had lived in the same town with the same friends forever. Every summer, my mom hosts a grand event at her lakefront home for all of her family and friends. One year, everyone in the family was invited but my dad. My brother in Ohio had the nerve to ask my dad to watch his dog while he went to my moms. When I went to visit my dad he was obviously upset. He wanted to see all his old friends and his brother, but he was not invited. No problem I said. Lets crash the party. So, we went grocery shopping to make sure we took extra food for my mom and we took off that night. We also got hotel rooms to make sure that she did not feel obligated to put us up in the house. My mom was happy to see us because she didnt know how to invite my dad after his wife had passed. In previous years dad and his wife had come to the same outing as a couple. My mom was also glad we came early because she needed help setting up for all her guests. It was a pleasant surprise for her, and the extra food we brought was a hit with mom as well. Dad had a great time too, but something happened later that evening. My dad began missing his late wife and he became like an ogre. We expected something to happen with him since this was the first time he had been back in the city and amongst family and friends since his wifes death. While at my moms I got a call to come to Indianapolis on business and my sister invited us to follow them back home and they wanted us to stay at their home.

All seemed well until the next day. Once my dad and brother-in-law got together crazy broke out again. I still dont know what happened. I just know that I was accused of being a troublemaker. When I asked what happened, nobody had an answer. When I asked how it involved me, nobody had an answer. My brother-inlaw said that he wanted to blame it on me because there was something about me he just didnt like. So as far as he was concerned, if he didnt like me I was not allowed in their house or in their city ever again. This man yelled at me and threatened physical violence. No one in the family came to my rescue. My young niece was crying profusely as her uncle began yelling at her and telling her that she was just like me. My sister, dad and I could have stopped the madness, but they didnt want to. My dad was laughing on the sofa and the demons were in control. I asked my sister if she thought this was acceptable, her response was to yell at me to shut up and get out of her house. We were told to leave the city and to never return. To this day, no one can tell us why we were treated so badly. Being around my family can be like stirring up a hornets nest; its all reaction and no rationale. We spent the night with my brother who also lives in that city, and the next day we headed back home. While getting on the road, my sister calls me and tells me to come get my dad. She didnt want him to remain in her house. I told her No! I took them at their word to never return to that house and to leave the city. I told her that he was their problem. My sisters response was astounding. She said that nothing had happened. It was nothing. He didnt mean what he said. She didnt apologize. She told me to ignore what happened. It was nothing; but I refused to fall in line with their crazy dysfunctional behavior. By the time I arrived back home, my mom called telling me that she knew everything that happened. How could she know? My sister called my brother the instigator, who called my mom and every relative he could to turn against me. The rumor was that I was an evil daughter for having stolen my dads van and abandoning him at my sisters house. Of course, they failed to mention the argument and the threats against my life. My sister also failed to tell my brother that her husband was yelling and cursing out the young niece who was actually my brother the instigators granddaughter. They also happen to over look the fact that my dad had given me his van after his wife died. In a dysfunctional family truth does not matter. The whole purpose is to keep strife and confusion going; and making one person the focus of their hatred. Unfortunately, I have been designated as the object of their hatred. The most amazing thing I heard from that Labor Day incident came from the mouth of the young niece who at five years old clearly saw the problem. She asked, Auntie Paula, why dont they love the way we love? My heart was touched. After enduring all the yelling and screaming; after all her sobbing the night before, this little child understood what adults in my family have never understood. Love. I told her that not everyone is able to give or receive love. We just have to pray for them in hopes that God will someday touch their hearts. That, my friends is the issue that makes my family crazy at holiday time. They dont want love to flow and when we bring it to the gathering it is always rejected. So what can I expect this year? More of the same . . . but its okay. You get used to it.

Looking back on that incident, I realized that I have always been the one to help the family in times of trouble. No one ever volunteers. I am the designated caregiver for the family. I also realize that my dad has always been difficult to live with, so the responsibility for taking care of him after his wife died, fell on me. Ive always loved my dad no matter how he treats me. Hes in his 80s and his mind slips a few beats every now and then. He will be nice one moment and threaten your life the next. It has been part of the routine in his life. After his wife died, he had nothing and what he did have he sold to pay off debts. We also thought that he would want to stay in Indiana near his friends and his brother, but instead, he asked if he could move to Ohio and live in the same apartment where I lived. So, I found him an apartment, furnished it will brand new furniture and appliances. It was the one thing I wanted to do for my dad before he left this earth. He and his wife had lost almost everything they had. The home they had in Indiana was a rental that had poisoned well water. My dad could not use the water in the home without boiling it first. Just to run the water from the tap was nauseating. There was such a putrid smell coming from the pipes. The landlord wanted them to buy the home and I was glad that the deal fell through. I wanted my dad to live in a beautiful place that he could call his own. I even got him one of those recliners that had heated vibration and refrigerated cup holders. When my brothers and brother-in-law moved my dad into the apartment, they were stunned. I was told how wonderful it was that I chose such a beautiful place for my dad; that I took the time to make him comfortable. That was in April of the same year, just five months prior to the incident in which I was labeled as the evil daughter. Again, that is how my family rolls. I do what I do for them and walk away. I dont anticipate a thank you. I just do what needs to be done. Recently, I moved to a new city that holds many painful memories, but when God moves me it means that it is time to face the past. Reentry has been bumpy. The first relative I encountered threw us out of the house for the same reasons. I asked the person if she truly understood how much I really loved her. Her response was like the others. She said she wanted no part of what I had. I was offering love and peace and it was rejected once again. She also admitted that she had called my brother the instigator to find out why I came back to town. She said he told her the truth about who I was. Okay . . . I have not spoken to my brother in over a year, and I never told him that I was leaving town. In fact, I didnt tell any of my family what was going on, so how could they know? They didnt know anything. Neither has anyone even tried to contact me directly to find out. Truth has never been important; only strife, confusion and scandal matter to my family. So why am I back with my family? This is a God inspired move. I am supposed to do something very special for my family before moving on to bigger and better things. I dont really care how they receive it I just have to obey God. I have to continue showing the love even if it is rejected. The task is bigger than one could imagine. My dysfunctional former in-laws are also in this town and I have to reunite with them as well. Again, holidays were also very explosive for their family and Im not expecting much from them.

My ex had the Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving picture etched in his mind. He would flip out during holidays because our family was not like the one in the picture. After our divorce in 1995, he kidnapped my son around the holidays. He came for visitation and they never returned. My son was three years old at the time. Like the rest of my family, this man also believed that I was to blame for all his failures in life. The last time I spoke to his family during the holiday they were all being held by gunpoint by my crazy ex-husband. Why were they being held hostage? Well, that Christmas I received a call from my in-laws saying that he had shown up at their home with my son. We were all excited about a possible reunion. But when I called to speak to my son, his dad picked up and told me to leave the boy alone. He hung up on me. I called back and his sister answered the phone. She told me that they had told my son that I was dead. She told me that it would be best for everyone if I remained dead, and she also hung up on me. Later that evening my brother-in-law called to say that they were held by gun point and told that if any of them tried to reunite me with my son, he would kill the entire family. Today, I am back at the scene of that crime of dysfunction. So what will happen next? Will he attempt to kill the family this holiday? Im not sure how it will end up, but I will do what I need to do and forget about it. We found my son of Facebook a couple of years ago. I sent him several messages, but he made it clear that he is not ready to deal with all the lies from his dads family. He said they told him I was dead, but no one ever spoke about my side of the family. So, before he reunites with me, he says he wants to confront them. I did contact him and let him know that I would be around if he wants to get together. The choice is his, but I refuse to walk in fear of what his dad might do. The choice to live in fear, dread and dysfunction is up to each of us. I have chosen to move on. If nobody in my family goes with me, I am moving onward to greener pastures and a much-needed sanctuary filled with love and peace. This is where I am focusing my life; in season and out of holiday season. For years I blamed God for the dysfunction in my family. I remember shaking the Bible in the air and yelling at him for the lies and evil I endured in my marriage and my family. Everything that was good was called bad. Evil was called good. I went through many years of psychotherapy trying to figure it all out. One analyst nailed, when he said, Your family has written a script for your life and they are trying to force you to play a character role that does not suit you. You have spent your whole life living the lie your family created. So what are you going to do? I even recall going to marriage counseling and being told that I needed to change to suit the mans needs. After just a few sessions that counselor realized that my ex was a pathological liar. The counselor threw him out of a session and apologized to me for having believed this mans lies. If any of you are tired of reading my story so far, just imagine how it is living this way from day-to-day. Is this a bad script? Its more like a very bad movie that keeps trying to replay in my memory every time a family member attacks me. BUT, I throw it off before it can take hold of me. In fact, it was more than a notion just to recall a few things to write in this piece. I knew I had to write this for days now, but 5

thank God for his grace to get us through the tough things of life unscarred. I am grateful for having the heart and mind to seek peace and pursue it even if it means being apart from those I truly love. My heart desires to be free of the dysfunction and perversion of my family. I want change for my life. Thats my daily prayer. You cant make people treat you right if they dont have the desire to be right. Love them from a distance and keep moving ahead. I believe that all my pain and suffering has served a purpose. Sometimes revisiting and reflecting on the past are the true motivators for launching a prosperous future. We may not be able to change others, but someone has to emerge from the depths of family pain to show all the others that there is hope for a brighter future. Now that a reason to be grateful; a reason to celebrate during the holiday, or in its origin, to celebrate the holy day.

Paula Matthews is an author of several books, and an advocate for healing the human soul. You can find more of her personal journey and blog at PaulaMatthews.com.
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