AIS - Band Against Bullying

Seven Ways to Nurture Tolerance in Students

Did you know that todays American youth are displaying intolerant actions at alarming rates-and at younger and younger ages? The FBI tells us most hate crimes are committed by youth younger than nineteen. Its important to remember that children arent born hateful Hatred and intolerance are learned. If todays children are to have any chance of living harmoniously in this multiethnic world, it is critical that adults nurture it. Here are seven strategies, from my book Building Moral Intelligence that you can use that help curtail bigotry while at the same time influencing your students to treat others with respect and understanding. 1. Confront your own prejudices. The first step to nurturing tolerance is to examine your own prejudices and reflect on how you might be projecting those ideas. Chances are that you are communicating those attitudes unintentionally to children. Do make a conscious attempt to temper them so arent passed on to your students. 2. Commit to a tolerant, respectful environment. Culture does matter. So if you really want students to respect diversity, you must adopt a conviction to emphasize respect and tolerance. Once students knows your expectations, they will be more likely to embrace your principles. 3. Refuse to allow discriminatory comments. When you hear prejudicial comments, verbalize your displeasure. How you respond sends a clear message to the child about your values: That's disrespectful and I wont allow such things to be said in my house, or "That's a biased comment, and I don't want to hear it." Students need to hear your discomfort so that they know you really walk your talk. It also models a response youth should imitate if prejudicial comments are made in their presence. 4. Embrace diversity. From a young age, expose students to positive imagesincluding music, literature, videos, public role models, and examples from the media that represent a variety of ethnic groups. Ignorance fuels prejudice so expose students to different races, religions, cultures, genders, abilities, and beliefs. 5. Emphasize similarities. Encourage children to look for what he has in common with others instead of how he is different. Any time you hear a student point out how she is different from someone, you might say. There are lots of ways you are different from other people. Now lets try to think of ways you are the same. Help her see how similarities outweigh differences.

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6. Counter discriminatory beliefs. When you hear a student make a prejudicial comment, listen to find out why he feels the way he does. Then gently challenge his views and point out why they are incorrect. For example if a student says, Homeless people should get jobs and sleep in their own houses. You might counter: There are many reasons homeless people dont work or have houses. They may be ill or cant find jobs. Houses cost money, and not everyone can pay for one. 7. Live your life as an example of tolerance. The best way for any child to learn tolerance is for him to watch and listen to your daily example. So ask yourself each day one critical question: If my students had only my behavior to copy, would he be witnessing an example of what I want him to emulate? Make sure you are walking your talk. Of course the best way to teach children tolerance is not through out lectures but through our example. So be a living textbook of tolerance for your students and for all other children. Hatred and intolerance can be learned, but so too can sensitivity, understanding, empathy, and tolerance. Although it's certainly never too late to begin, the sooner we start, the better the chance we have of preventing insidious, intolerant attitudes from taking hold. There has never been a time when it is most important for educators to do so than now. .

How to Accentuate Respect and Eliminate Disrespect in Your Students

Many of todays students lack an understanding of respect because their experiences with this essential character trait have been minimal. Think about it: If you are rarely around people who display respect and if you arent treated as though you are a valued and worthwhile individual, how can you possible catch the behavior? Thats the secret of learning new character building behaviors theyre caught by watching others do them well. Todays schools and classrooms are enormously significant institutions because for many students these places may be the only times appropriate character building traits can be taught. If you recognize this premise, youll also recognize the power of educators. Tune up the behavior you want to be caught and accentuate it. Heres how: 1. Model respectful statements. Never forget how you impact your studentsyou may very well be their only model of respect! You may wish to say respectful statements so that the class may hear you: Thank you, Mrs. Smith, for sharing your slides with us. We really appreciated them. Or, Excuse me, Sally, I didnt

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mean to interrupt you. For many students this may be the only time they hear what respect sounds like. 2. Accentuate respect. In any environment, establish a firm commandment, You may not talk hurtfully about yourself or others. Put it in your own words if you like, but post it in a highly visible location, such as on the door, along the length of the chalkboard, or on a bulletin board. 3. Build awareness of respectful language. Like is or not, we have become a negative, disrespectful society that too often emphasizes sarcasm, put-downs and disrespect. Listen to the popular sit-coms on television and count the frequency of statements based on negativity, ridicule and sarcasm. Studies show the average student is watching a minimum of three hours of television a night. Many of todays students are reared in homes seeping in disrespect and negativity. S o dont assume your students know the language. Why not brainstorm lists as a class of statements that show respect and post them as a reminder that there are other choices to replace disrespect. Thank you for sharing. What would your opinion be? Are you okay? Thank you. 4. Label appropriate respectful language. Many students need help in distinguishing between appropriate language and destructive language. They man have said disrespectful put-down statements so often theyve conditioned themselves to say the negative. It is helpful to label appropriate and inappropriate language for students. Terms that can be used to describe appropriate respectful language (depending on the age of your students) include: Compliment, Sparkler, Validator, Booster, Builder-upper, Respect. Inappropriate disrespectful language can be labeled by terms such as Disrespectful, Zinger, Terminator, Put-down, Detonator. Choose one term from each category, teach it to students and then consistently use it to label character builder language. Thats a put-up, or Thats a put-down. Remember, your attempts at teaching students the skills of positive, respectful language will be greatly enhanced if students her the same key phrases, encouragement, vocabulary and tone. 5. Reinforce respectful statements. Reinforce what you want to be repeated. Try to key in on the students respectful statements and forget the disrespectful ones for awhile. Its easier to change behavior by focusing on the positive aspects instead of the negative. Some students, however, make that very tough to do and will almost provoke you to put them down. If you remember that youre only hooking into their game if you do, its be easier to stay focused on the respectful. 6. Practice respectful behavior skills. Listing respectful statements on a poster, while helpful, is not enough to change students behavior. Students must be given opportunities to practice respectful behavior. In many cases, positive character building skills will be unfamiliar to your students; they may not have been exposed tot he skills frequently enough for mastery or they may never have been exposed to them all. We can no longer assume todays students have acquired any of the essential character building skills and habits.

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Keep in mind that many students may not be comfortable saying respectful statements. These students should be allowed to choose the kids of statements that they feel safe saying. Hello, Hi, How are you? or a smile and eye contact are appropriate first steps. Keep things in perspective: what kinds of behavior were they using yesterday? Think in baby steps.

Steps to Eliminate Disrespect We all know that changing habits takes time and effort. Many students have been locked into saying and displaying disrespectful words and behaviors for years. We certainly cant expect overnight success. So do expect skill backsliding for awhile in which a child will start to demonstrate the new skill, then just when you think they have moved up a notch on the respect ladder, the next day theyre back to where they had been or worse off than they were before. These are normal patterns to expert since our behavior tends to resort to what were most comfortable with thats why habits are also so difficult to change. Dont despair and never give up! You can help students learn more respectful behavior by slowly replacing their own disrespectful habits. These next techniques show you ways to replace the older habits with newer, more appropriate ones. The most important rule for your success is this: Be Consistent. 1. Draw awareness to disrespect. Whenever students go against your classroom respect commandment, be careful not to be negative toward their already disrespectful disposition. Disrespect quickly breeds disrespect. Casually mention, Remember, we only say respectful words. Some teachers use a private code or signal between themselves and certain students. Each time the students says a disrespectful comment, the teacher says a word such as Zap! or uses a quiet signal (such as raising one finger) as a reminder to stop. Often students are not aware of how many disrespectful statements they are saying. One way to bring them to this awareness is to use a simple tally system. On paper, designate one column for respectful statements, the other for disrespectful ones. Each time students make either a respectful or disrespectful comment they add a stamp or mark to the appropriate side. The key to this activity is to keep the tallying private. It should never be published for other students to see. Another way to help students become aware of disrespectful statements is to use tokens (i.e. marbles, poker chips, pegs). A student holds the tokens in his left pocket, and whenever he makes a disrespectful statement, a token is transferred to the right pocket. Often just one reminder will get the message across.

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2. Label disrespectCall it! Students need to recognize disrespectful put-downs by saying a code word or making a sound immediately back to the sender. The code should be agreed upon by all students so that they recognize it. Words such as disrespectful putdown, pricklie, zinger or sounds such as ouch, Buz -z-z- will help the send recognize that the statement was inappropriate. 3. Teach skills to defuse disrespect. If the objective is to squelch disrespect on campus, then it is critical to teach everyone (peers and staff) to take the same steps in handling disrespectful actions. Defuser skills can calm disrespectful behaviors before they detonate into a full explosion (usually physical or verbal retaliation). Make it a campus rule that disrespectful statements are not allowed. Whenever a put-down is said, teach the rule that the sender must then change the put-down into a put-up. The rule is: One Put-Down = One Put-Up or One Disrespectful Statement = One Respectful Statement. In some schools this rule is even more stringer: For every put-down there must be three put-ups. Whatever the number, the rule must be consistently enforced to be effective. Teach skills to replace negativity. Many of our students are locked into disrespectful, inappropriate behavior patterns simply because they dont know what to do instead. Asking them to Be more respectful or Act nicer has no value if the student does not know how to demonstrate the skills of respect or kindness. These skills need to be taught. Keep in mind, however, that new behaviors take a tremendous amount of repetition and commitment before they can replace the older, more comfortable habits. Students will slip back easily into older disrespectful behavior patterns unless the newer skills of respect are continually reinforced and practiced. Consistency and reinforcement are critical. Dont give up, though! Respectful attitudes are contagious.

Top 10 Reasons to Build Student's Moral IQ

Moral Intelligence is what helps youth act right with or without our guidance, and the best news is that this critical intelligence can be taught. Here are 10 reasons why we must build our students Moral IQ. 1. Nurtures Good Character. The foundation to good character--or "moral intelligence"--consists of seven core virtues: empathy, conscience, self-control, respect, kindness, tolerance, and fairness. These ultimately form our children's character and are the principles they'll use to direct the course of their lives long after we are gone. Building Moral IQ is our best hope that kids will have the foundation to good, solid character.

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2. Teaches How Think and Act Right. In these troubling times, parents need to know ways to help their kids learn to not only think morally but also act morally. After all, the true measure of character rests in our actions--not in mere thoughts. Moral Intelligence teaches the specific moral habits that will get our kids on the right course so that they do act as well as think right. 3. Moral IQ Is Not Guaranteed. Moral IQ is learned, though developing it is far from guaranteed. To ensure kids acquire it, we must intentionally model, nurture, reinforce, and teach it. If we don't the result is tragic: an increase in insensitivity, dishonesty, aggression, incivility, cruelty, hatred, and injustice. We must be deliberate. 4. Protects Against Toxicity. The truth is toxic influences are so entrenched in our culture that shielding kids from them is almost impossible. That's why it's crucial to build Moral IQ. It will serve as their moral compass so they have deepseated convictions to stand by their choices and counter any pressures from inside or outside that go against the principles of good character. 5. Teaches Critical Life Skills. Moral IQ is comprised of the skills needed to protect kids' moral lives such as resolving conflicts, empathizing, knowing right from wrong, asserting themselves, controlling anger, learning tolerance, negotiating fairly, communicating respectfully, cooperating, using self control, sharing, and knowing right from wrong. These skills are needed in all life arenas, and especially in today's troubled world. 6. Creates Good Citizens. It's important to remember that the most important measure of a nation is not its gross national product, its technological genius, or its military might. It is the character of its people. Moral intelligence consists of seven timeless virtues that are the bedrock of good citizenship and responsible living. 7. Counters Temptations. Moral Intelligence gives kids the power to counter outside and inside vices so that they do what's right. It's what helps them navigate through the ethical challenges and pressures they will inevitably face throughout life and choose the right moral choices so they do act right with or without adult guidance. 8. Prevents Violence and Cruelty. Of the 26 wealthiest countries, our youth are the most violent. And peer cruelty is rising. Yet we continue to erect metal detectors and hire guards to "protect" students from themselves. The best protection is fortifying them with Moral IQ and to teach three core virtues that lay the foundation for nonviolence: empathy, conscience, and self-control. Without them, kids become time bombs just waiting for explode. We can't afford not to build their Moral Intelligence: it's our best hope. 9. Inspires Good Behavior. Moral IQ is comprised of the essential moral virtues needed to help our kids become decent, caring, and respectful. These seven virtues become a template for creating our kids' character, guiding their actions,

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and ultimately defining their reputations as caring, good human beings. 10. Shapes Moral Destinies. Moral growth is an ongoing process that will span the course of our children's lifetimes. But the habits and beliefs of Moral Intelligence we instill in our kids now will become their ethical foundation they'll use forever. It is what will greatly decide our children's moral destinies and will be our greatest legacy.

How to Protect Kids from CyberBullying

Mom and Dad, wake up: If you assume your child is using that fancy home computer to stimulate his brain, think again. The hottest new trend has kids using those keyboards to send vile, hateful and highly slanderous messages about their peers through the Internet. Once confined to playgrounds, bullying has hit cyberspace, cell phones and pagers, and its both serious and sophisticated. So what should a parent do if their child is cyberbullied? The first step is for parents to be aware of just how prevalent cyberbullying is these days. Where we once thought we just had to protect children from adult predators using the Internet, we now need to shield kids from one another. Cyberbullying is most common around the middle school years, but is making its way into the younger set. Kids now a days are electronically savvy, but make no mistake: the behavior is all about intentionally causing another pain (bullying), and parents must be far more vigilante. The two biggest mistakes adults make is not taking childrens complaints seriously, and allowing bullying in the first place. There are some specific ways to protect kids from bullying both in cyberspace and on the playground. Parents today need a closer electronic leash on their kids and need to be more tuned into the cyberspace trend. This isn't about being controlling-this is good parenting. Here is what to do if your child is cyberbullied: 1. Hold the talk. If your child isnt talking about cyberbullying, dont assume he hasnt been affected. Start the discussion: What have you heard about? What are other kids saying? Let your child know youre aware of this new trend and you are on the alert and are monitoring your computer. 2. State your values. Never assume your child understands why cyberbullying is cruel and wrong. Take time to explain: In this house we believe in kindness. I expect you to be kind. Be clear on your values.

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3. Dig deeper. Inform school officials or contact the police if it continues. Get the facts so you can create a safety plan for your child: How often is this happening, when, where, and by whom? 4. Set clear electronic rules. Never put anything on a cell phone, I-Message, website, email or pager that is hurtful. Never send anything you wouldn't want said about you. 5. Save evidence. Tell your child if he ever receives something that is hurtful, slanderous, hateful, to save or print the message. You may need it to identify the bully or contact their parents with evidence. 6. Block further communication. If your child is victimized change your phone number or e-mail account, and talk to your provider. Contact police for threats of violence and extortion. 7. Monitor that computer. Keep your computer in a central space and out of your kids bedroom. 8. Pull the plug. If your child ever uses a cell phone, pager, answering machine, or fax, to send vicious gossip or hate, remove the electronic gizmo from your kid and pull the computer plug from power surge. 9. Teach assertive skills. Research finds that kids who learn how to be assertive and appear more confident are less likely to be targeted by bullies. In fact, studies show its often not how different your child looks or acts but rather her victim -like demeanor that makes her an easy target. So teach your child an arsenal of strategies she can use to defuse a bully and then practice with her until she feels confident in using them on her own. 10. Take your child seriously. This is painful stuff and your child needs your empathy and support. Watch your child carefully and tune into his or her emotional signs. Dont let your child be victimized.

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Anger

Management

Strategies

for

Kids

Five Ways to Help Kids Learn the Virtue of Self-Control and Stay Calm
Palm Springs, CA (July 2001) - Our children are facing much more pressing types of daily stresses than most of us ever dealt with in our childhood. Just think of the kinds of horrific images our kids are exposed to on the nightly news: riots, hate crimes, random shootings, bombings, kidnappings, senseless murders. We're also seeing a troubling increase in bulllying, name-calling, and prejudicial slurs among schoolchildren. Do these issues affect our children? "You bet they do," says Dr. Michele Borba, author of the new book, Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing (Jossey-Bass Publishers, July 2001, ISBN 078795371; 800-956-7739). "The single greatest trend I've seen as a consultant to hundreds of schools over the past ten years, " Borba says, " is the marked increase in anxiety and anger in our children. We shouldn't kid ourselves: the steady onslaught of stress and violence images is taking a major toll on our children's emotional and moral wellbeing." What can parents do? Teach children the critical virtue of self-control so they know how to handle their emotions appropriately when faced with frustrations. In Building Moral Intelligence, Borba gives parents the following five strategies to teach children self-control so they can calm down and learn to handle their anger. 1. Model coolness when facing problems. Showing you can keep your cool, even in crisis, is an important way to help your children learn self-control. You send a clear message: "It may look like a crisis, but by staying cool, I'll be in a better position to solve the problem." Example is always the best teacher: "I need to take a deep breath and stay cool before I call the bank. I can't understand how my account is so overdrawn." 2. Develop a feeling vocabulary. Many kids display aggression because they simply dont know how to express their frustrations any other way. They need an emotion vocabulary to express how they feel, and you can help your child develop one by creating a "feeling word" poster together. Here are a few: angry, upset, mad, frustrated, agitated, furious, apprehensive, tense, nervous, anxious, irritated, furious, ticked off, irate, incensed. Write them on a chart, hang it up, and when your child is angry, use the words so that he can apply them to real life: Looks like youre really angry. Want to talk about it? Then keep adding emotion words to the list whenever new ones come up in those great teachable moments that come up throughout the day. 3. Identify anger warning signs. Explain to your child that we all have our own little signs that warn us were getting angry, and that we should listen to them because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your child recognize what specific warning signs she may have that tell her shes

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starting to get upset. For example, I talk louder. My cheeks get flushed. I clench my fists. My heart pounds. My mouth gets dry. I breathe faster. Once she is aware of her signs, start pointing them out to her whenever she first starts to get frustrated: Looks like youre starting to get out of control. Your hands are in a fist now. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry? The more we help kids recognize those early warning signs when their anger is first triggeredusually when they first show signs of tension and stressthe better able they will be to calm themselves down and learn to regulate their own behavior. 4. Use self-talk to stay in control. Experts suggest that another way to help kids stay in control is to teach them to say affirmations-simple, positive messages-to themselves in stressful situations. Here are a few kids that can learn: Stop and calm down, Stay in control, Take a deep breath, and I can handle this. Suggest a few phrases to your child, then have her choose the one she feels most comfortable saying; help her rehearse it a few times each day. You might post the words she chooses throughout the house as a reminder. The more your child practices the affirmation, the greater the likelihood she will use it during a difficult situation in which she needs to stay cool and in control. 5. Teach abdominal breath control. Learning to breathe the right way especially in stressful situationsis one of the most effective ways to stay in control, and so its an important technique to teach kids. Experts advise you to teach the relaxation method with your child sitting in a comfortable position, her back straight and pressed into a chair for support. Then show your child how to inhale slowly to a count of five (one Mississippi, two Mississippi," and so on), pause for two counts, then slowly breathe out the same way, again counting to five. Repeating the sequence creates maximum relaxation. The trick is to help your child learn to breathe very slowly and deeply and then practice it over and over in a calm, relaxed setting so that she can remember to use the technique during a stressful time. Teaching kids to use self-control is just one of the many attributes of Dr. Borba's new book. The book covers this and literally hundreds of other ideas, stories, techniques, tips, and parenting strategies to help parents build moral strength in their children. Borba's practical, step-by-step advice will guide parents along their most important role: raising good moral human beings.

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Talking to Children About Tragedies

"Dear Dr. Borba: My six-year-old is so upset by the attack on New York. He watched the airplane hit the World Trade Center on TV and saw it collapse and knew people died. Now hes afraid to let me out of his sight and cries when his daddy leaves for work. Hes sure a plane will hit his dads office, too. He keeps asking me why people are so mean. I dont know what to tell him or do to make him feel safe. Do you have any ideas?" - A mom from Sarasota, Florida Tragedies are difficult enough for adults to try and understand, let alone our kids. When tragedies are perpetrated intentionally by others and cause injuries and deaths, they are especially hard. And to adolescents with already negative views of world, they can only reinforce their outlook that cruelty is pervasive. Thats why its important to talk to your children and reassure them that not only are they secure, but the world is still filled with good, peaceful people. Talking about the event also helps you assess your childrens emotional needs and understanding about what happened. Whenever you discuss any tragedy with children-such as a gang war, school shooting, a terrorist attack, natural disaster, deaths at a concert or sporting eventthere are four elements you can use that help reassure them that their world is still safe and caring. To help you remember the parts, just think of the word TALK; each part begins with a letter of the word: T Tune in to your childs emotions A Assure safety and be available L Listen patiently K Kindle empathy and do something positive.

Here are the four parts to discussing tragedy and how you might use them with children: T - Tune in to your childs emotional state. As the events unfold observe your child with your ears, eyes, and heart and expect that he probably will be distressed. Watch closely to see how your child handles the tragedy and determine whether he may need specific help. For instance, is he overly-frightened, clinging, having nightmares, having trouble concentrating, tantrums, afraid to be alone, regressing to younger development behaviors, acting out, withdrawing, crying, or changing eating or sleeping habits? If these continue, seek help. Each person uses his unique temperament, past experiences, and coping strategies to deal with a tragedy.

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Seek support. Do seek support from friends to talk about your feelings to help you keep emotionally healthy so you can deal more confidently with your kids. Offer emotional outlets. Find ways as a family to release tension: exercise, go for walks or bike rides, eat well, listen to soothing music, watch humorous videos. Utilize beliefs. Model coping practices with your family such as meditating, going to church, journaling, praying, or doing spiritual readings. Do them with your kids.

A Assure safety and be available. A top priority in any tragedy is to assure your child that he is not in danger. Emphasize that you are there to protect and keep him safe. Here are a few ways to rebuild security in childrens lives during distressing times:

Be with them. Give extra hugs, spend longer tucker them in, be available, and assure them you are safe and are there for them. Provide structure. Children need stability to help them feel secure, so try to stick to their everyday routines and schedules as much as possible. Affirm safety of loved ones. This is important even if you are nowhere near the site. Have your child phone or email those hes conce rned about to assure him. Model emotional strength. Your kids mirror your example: demonstrate emotional strength to the best of your ability. Dont dwell on the incident; model optimism. Stress isolated event. Emphasize that this is a one-time incident and now its over. Describe safety actions. Stress that people are taking action to keep our country safe and help those who are hurt. Minimize TV viewing. Dont let kids younger than five watch these images: they have difficulty distinguishing between real and unreal.

L Listen patiently. Kids need to know that it is okay to talk about the event and share their feelings. Let them know you are available patiently reassure them that its normal to be upset. Listening will help you gauge the kind of support they might need.

Stick to facts. You do not need to explain more than they are ready to hear. Discuss the tragedy is terms they understand. Be honest. Admit when you dont know the answers, but say youll try to find out. Discuss tragedy sporadically. Its sometimes better to talk about events in shorter segments so kids can think about what they hear and then come back later to ask. Find outlets to express feelings. Not all kids feel comfortable talking or may not have the words to convey their feelings. Offer creative outlets such as

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journaling, drawing, music, puppets, clay, or books to help them express their reactions. K Kindle empathy and do something positive. One of the best ways to reduce kids feelings of hopelessness is to find ways to comfort victims and help the affected community. Empathy is the answer to violence and cruelty. If you can feel for another, you can't act cruelly. It's what terrorists are trained NOT to have. One easy way to nurture empathy is to encourage your child to imagine being the people he sees on the news. Ask: How would you feel if that was you? What do you think she needs? His answers often promote constructive ideas. Then help him develop a positive course of action and offer to assist him in carrying it out. Here are ways to enhance childrens empathy towards victims and do something positive to make a difference in their world.

Share heroic, compassionate deeds. The news is filled with tales of heroic and caring deeds: share them with your child to help him see their world as caring. One father told me his family started nightly Caring Reports (random kind deeds people did for others) after the shooting at Columbine. It was how they helped their kids look for the good instead of only on the horror of the few who caused it. Write a letter. Help your child draw, write, or email condolences to victims or express thanks to those who are helping. Volunteer in an organization. Get involved as a family in a group committed to helping victims such as the Red Cross, Catholic Charities, or the United Way. Collect or donate money. Send money to a charity dedicated to helping victims, establish a relief fund, or build a memorial. Kids can save money from their allowance, earn money by doing extra jobs, or collect it by holding fund-raisers. Hang an American flag. Show children how a country displays solidarity by hanging our flag and discussing its symbolism. Offer prayers. Attend a religious service as a family, pray together, or light a nightly candle to signify your familys hopes for peace in the world and comfort for the victims and those who lost loved ones. Traditions are comforting for us all.

In spite of the horrors of this tragedy, we must give our children hope. Let's lift up the spirits of our kids so they don't see the world as all bleak. Start tuning into the glorious, compassionate stories of strangers who are aiding others -- firefighters, the ironworkers, the police, the colleagues who put strangers on their shoulders and walked them down 45 stories. Our kids need to hear those tales. By modeling empathy, compassion and tolerance, we can teach our children lessons that will help to build a better future for all of us. Its certainly a future our kids deserve.

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Resources for Further Action American Psychological Association can provide a list of counselors and psychologists in your area. Call 800-964-2000.http:www.//aap.org National Association of School Psychologists 4340 East West Highway, Ste 402,Bethesda, MD 20814 Telephone: 301-657-0270 (http://nasponline.org]. [http://www.nasponline.org/NEAT/crisis_0911.html]

Empathic Kids
One strong characteristic of morally intelligent children is that they are empathic and concerned about others. An important point to remember is that while our kids are born with the potential for empathy and generosity, those traits aren't guaranteed. Researchers have discovered that a strong commonality of those kids who acquire them is how they were raised. That means parents can be enormously influential in helping their kids be concerned about others needs by prioritizing it in their homes. It's a slow, gradual evolution, but if you are consciously boosting those traits as a parent now, chances are much stronger you'll have success and your child will develop those traits. Boost the concept of gratitude into your daily living. We seem to have a lot of "gimme" kids these days and it's because they've learned that their parents will oblige their every whim. So don't! Establish guidelines and stick to them. My girlfriend noticed her mother-in-law was overindulging her kids in material gifts and finally told her that was not the kind of kids she wanted to raise. She asked her to please reduce their number of presents and put the money instead in their college fund. The key here is the mom determined how she wanted her kids to turn out, and then consciously begin raising them that way. Stretch your child to think about other people's concerns and needs. Here are a few ideas that might help you:

Have her switch roles. The next time there's a conflict between your child and a friend (or between you and your child) ask her to stop and think how the other person would feel if the roles were reversed. Then ask her to talk about the problem AS IF SHE WERE THE OTHER PERSON. "What would the other person say and do?" If she is very young, it is helpful to use puppets so that each puppet can represent the person in the conflict. It builds empathy. Call attention to insensitive behavior. Any time your child acts unkindly, use it as an opportunity to help him become more sensitive to the feelings of other people. Just point out the impact of her actions: "Telling Bert to leave because you wanted to play with Sally was inconsiderate. How would YOU

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feel?" "Not asking Daddy if he wanted to watch a TV show was unkind. How would you feel?"

Be an example of generosity. Try to find natural ways to help her "give" to others so she understands the joy giving can bring. Start by doing it yourself and having her watch and do it with you. Here are a couple of ideas: "The neighbor is sick; let's make an extra bowl of soup and bring it to her." "Daddy is so tired; let's surprise him and stack the newspapers so he doesn't have to. " Make giving natural and fun but help her learn to GIVE. Expect him to share. This is one of the first moral behaviors we need to tune up in our kids starting at around 2 or 3 years of age. When he is two you can structure his sharing: "It's his turn, then your turn, then his turn." Little kids sometimes need an oven timer as a reminder that the other person should still be allowed to play with the toy. Before friends come over, structure "sharing" by asking him: "What things will you share with your friend?" "What do you think he would like to play?" Put away things that are very special that may cause problems. What's important on this one is to help your child learn to think of others' needs and feelings.

10 Tips for Raising Moral Kids

Home is the best school for teaching moral behaviors. Here are 10 parenting tips from Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing by Dr. Michele Borba. 1. Commit to Raising A Moral Child How important is it for you to raise a moral child? It's a crucial question to ask, because research finds that parents who feel strongly about their kids turning out morally usually succeed because they committed themselves to that effort. If you really want to raise a moral child, then make a personal commitment to raise one, and don't stop until he does. 2. Be a Strong Moral Example Parents are their children's first and most powerful moral teachers, so make sure the moral behaviors your kids are picking up from you are ones that you want them to copy. Try to make your life a living example of good moral behavior for your child to see. Each day ask yourself: "If my child had only my behavior to watch, what example would he catch?" The answer is often quite telling. 3. Know Your Beliefs & Share Them Before you can raise a moral child, you must be clearly about what believe in. Take time to think through your values then share them regularly to your child explaining

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why you feel the way you do. After all, your child will be hearing endless messages that counter your beliefs, so it's essential the she hears about your moral standards. TV shows, movies, newspapers, and literature are filled with moral issues, so use them as opportunities to discuss your beliefs with your child. 4. Use Teachable Moments The best teaching moments aren't ones that are planned-they happen unexpectedly. Look for moral issues to talk about as they come up. Take advantage of those moments because they help your child develop solid moral beliefs that will help guide his behavior the rest of his life. 5. Use Discipline as a Moral Lesson Effective discipline ensures that the child not only recognizes why her behavior was wrong but also knows what to do to make it right next time. Using the right kind of questions helps kids expand their ability to take another person's perspective and understand the consequences of their behavior. So help your child reflect: "Was that the right thing to do? What should I do next time?" That way your child learns from his mistakes and grows morally. Remember your ultimate goal is to wean your child from your guidance so he acts right on his own. 6. Expect Moral Behavior Studies are very clear: kids who act morally have parents who expect them to do so. It sets a standard for your child's conduct and also lets her know in no uncertain terms what you value. Post your moral standards at home then consistently reinforce them until your child internalizes them so they become his rules, too. 7. Reflect on the Behaviors' Effects Researchers tell us one of the best moral-building practices is to point out the impact of the child's behavior on the other person. Doing so enhances a child's moral growth: ("See, you made her cry") or highlight the victim's feeling ("Now he feels bad"). The trick is to help to help the child really imagine what it would be like to be in the victim's place so she will be more sensitive to how her behavior impacts others. 8. Reinforce Moral Behaviors One of the simplest ways to help kids learn new behaviors is to reinforce them as they happen. So purposely catch your child acting morally and acknowledge her good behavior by describing what she did right and why you appreciate it.

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9. Prioritize Morals Daily Kids don't learn how to be moral from reading about it in textbooks but from doing good deeds. Encourage your child to lend a hand to make a difference in his world, and always help him recognize the positive effect the gesture had on the recipient. The real goal is for kids to become less and less dependent on adult guidance by incorporating moral principles into their daily lives and making them their own. That can happen only if parents emphasize the importance of the virtues over and over and their kids repeatedly practice those moral behaviors. 10. Incorporate the Golden Rule Teach your child the Golden Rule that has guided many civilizations for centuries, "Treat others as you want to be treated." Remind him to ask himself before acting, Would I want someone to treat me like that? It helps him think about his behavior and its consequences on others. Make the rule become your family's over-arching moral principal.

Teaching Kids How to Be More Than Bystanders And Stand Up to Bullies

In this NBCs Dateline special: The Perils of Parenting, I appear as the expert on bullying. Producers asked me to teach middle school studentswhen bullying peaksspecific bystander strategies to deal with bullies. I developed the techniques after reviewing dozens of studies on the Bystander Effect and have trained hundreds of educators in how to use them with students. The US Army also invited me to teach these skills on our 18 of our bases in Europe and the Asian-Pacific. They work (so say the students and the school climate surveys) Ill be sharing these in with educators in Washington DC at the upcoming School Safety Summits and the National Character Education Partnership Conference.

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How to Teach Kids to Be Active Bystanders

Studies show that active bystanders can do far more than just watch. In fact, student bystanders may be our last, best hope in reducing bullying. Active student bystanders can: ~ Reduce the audience that a bully craves ~ Mobilize the compassion of witnesses to step in and stop the bullying ~ Support the victim and reduce the trauma ~ Be a positive influence in curbing a bullying episode ~ Encourage other students to support a school climate of caring ~ Report a bullying incident since 85 percent of time bullying occurs an adult is not present. Students are usually the witnesses When bystanders intervene correctly, studies find they can cut bullying more than half the time and within 10 seconds. [Pepler and Craig]

Borbas Six Be a Bully B.U.S.T.E.R. Skills

There are parameters to activate student bystanders, so get educated! Here are a few facts to ensure success:

To ensure success you must first mobilize students to be active bystanders. You must give students permission to step in. You must also teach specific strategies so they can step in. Each strategy must be rehearsed or role-played, until kids can use it alone. (Ive had schools have students role-play these in assemblies, make them into chart-reminders that are posted around the school, and even have students create mini-videos of each strategy to share with peers). Not every strategy will work for every student, so you must provide a range of strategies. Ideally you must enlist your peer leaders those students on the highest popularity tier who other students look up to to mobilize other peers. Adults must be onboard with the approach and understand what bullying is and how to respond. Adults must listen to student reports on bullying and back students up. The biggest reason kids say they dont report: The adult didnt listen or do anything to help. Step up adults!

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The best news is that child advocates and parents can teach kids these same bystander skills. Doing so empowers children with tools to stop cruelty, help victims, feel safer and reduce bullying. Here are the three steps:

STEP ONE: Teach Students Tattling vs. Reporting

Kids must realize that safety is always the primary goal, so stress to students: If someone could get hurt, REPORT! Its always better to be safe than sorry. Teach students the crucial difference between Tattling and Reporting so they will know when theyshould step in because a child is bullied or when to step back and let two kids handle things for themselves because its just friendly teasing. Also identify specific trusted adults children can go to and report bullying incidents if they do identify bullying. Here is the crucial difference: Tattling is when you trying to get kids IN trouble when they arent hurting themselves or other. Reporting is when youre trying to help keep kids OUT of trouble because they may get hurt (or they are). Report bullying to an adult you trust. If the adult doesnt listen, keep reporting until you find an adult who does listen.

STEP TWO: Teach What Bullying Looks and Sounds Like

The next step is to teach students what bullying behaviors look like so they will know when they should step in and not when the behavior is mere teasing. 1. Explain three parts of bullying: 1. Bullying is a cruel or aggressive act that is done on purpose. The bully has more power (strength, status, or size) than the targeted child who cannot hold his own. 2. The hurtful bullying behavior is not an accident, but done on purpose. 3. The bully usually seems to enjoy seeing the victim in distress and rarely accepts responsibility and often says the target deserved the hurtful treatment.

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2. Teach: Five types of bullying: Depending on the childs age, bullying can take on difference forms in cluding:
1. Physical: Punching, hitting, slamming, socking, spitting, slapping; 2. Verbal: Saying put downs, nasty statements, name calling, taunting, racial slurs, or hurtful comments, threatening; 3. Emotional: Shunning, excluding, spreading rumors or mean gossip, ruining your reputation; 4. Electronic or cyber-bullying: Using the Internet, cell phone, camera, text messaging, photos to say mean or embarrassing things; 5. Sexual: Saying or doing things that are lewd or disrespectful in a sexual way

3. Mobilize students compassion: Students could make posters, power-point presentations, skits, or projects about bullying. The key is for students to understand the real definition of bullying. They must know that the staff is serious about supporting them and will back them up and respond. 4. Use literature or videos: You might also use literature or video clips to help students understand the definition of bullying. Here are a few literature favorites: Confessions of a Former Bully by Trudy Ludwig; Say Something by Peggy Moss Gardiner; Teammates by Peter Golenbock; The Bully Blockers Club, by Teresa Bateman.

STEP THREE: Teach Bully BUSTER Bystander Skills

I teach the acronym BUSTER as a mnemonic to help kids remember the skills more easily. Each letter in the word represents one of the six bystander skills. Not all strategies work for all kids. The trick is to match the techniques with what works best with the childs temperament and comfort level and the particular situation. Dont forget to ask students for their input and additional ideas. Their creativity never ceases to amaze me!

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1. B-Befriend the Victim

Bystanders often dont intervene because they dont want to make things worse or assume the victim doesnt want help. But research shows that if witnesses know a victim feels upset or wants help they are more likely to step in. Also, if a bystander befriends a victim, the act is more likely to get others to join the cause and stand up to the bully. A few ways bystanders can befriend victims: Show comfort: Stand closer to the victim. Wave other peers over: Come help! Ask if the victim wants support: Do you need help? Empathize: I bet he feels sad. Clarify feelings: She looks upset. You can also encourage students to befriend a victim after the episode. That must have felt so bad. Im with you. Sorry I didnt speak out. That happened to me, too. Do you want me to help you find a teacher to talk to? Though after the episode wont reduce the bullying at the moment, it will help reduce the pain of both the targeted child and the witness.

2. U-Use a Distraction
The right diversion can draw peers from the scene, make them focus elsewhere, give the target a chance to get away, and may get the bully to move on. Remember, a bully wants an audience, so bystanders can reduce it with a distraction. Ploys include: Ask a question: What are you all doing here? Use diversion: Theres a great volleyball game going on! Come on! Make up false excuse to disperse a crowd: A teacher is coming! Feigning interruption: I cant find my bus.

3. S-Speak Out and Stand Up!

Speaking out can get others to lend a hand and join you. You must stay cool, and never boo, clap, laugh, or insult, which could egg the bully on even more.

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Students also must learn how to assert themselves and say that speaking up to a bully is the hardest of the six Bully Buster Strategies. The students in the photo are learning my CALM Approach when speaking up to a bully. Best yet, older students are teaching the skill to younger students. Stress that directly confronting a bully is intimidating and its a rare kid who can, but there are ways to still stand up to cruelty. Here are a few possibilities: Show disapproval: Give a cold, silent stare. Name it: Thats bullying! Label it: Thats mean! State disapproval: This isnt cool! Dont do that! Cut it out! Ask for support: Are you with me?

4. T-Tell or Text For Help

Bystanders often dont report bullying for fear of retaliation, so make sure they know which adults will support them, and ensure confidentiality. You must give students the option of anonymous reporting. An active bystander could: Find an adult you trust to tell If you have problems, keep going until you find someone who believes you Call from your cell Send a text to someone who can get help Call 911 if someone could be injured

5. E-Exit Alone or With Others

Stress that bullies love audiences. Bystanders can drain a bullys power by reducing the group size a few ways. Students bystanders could: Encourage: You coming? Ask: What are you all doing here? Direct: Lets go! Suggest: Lets leave.

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Exit: If you cant get others to leave with you, then walk away. If you stay, youre part of the cruelty. Leaving means you refuse to be part. Just quietly leave the scene.

6. R-Give a Reason or Offer a Remedy

Bystanders are more likely to help when told whythe action is wrong or what to do. Students could: Review why its wrong: This isnt right! This is mean! Youll get suspended. Youll hurt him. Offer a remedy: Go get help! Lets work this out with Coach.

Final Thoughts
The right comments and behaviors can make peers stop, think, consider the consequences, and even move on. Bystanders can make a difference. They can be mobilized to step in and reduce bullying-that is if they are taught how. Its up to us to show students safe ways to do so, support and believe them, and then acknowledge their courageous efforts. 160,000 students today skipped school because of peer intimidation and bullying. Its time to rethink our strategies and teach bystanders how to step in safely and speak out against peer cruelty. 2011 by Dr. Michele Borba. Please honor this copyright.
Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally-recognized educational psychologist who has presented workshops to well over a million parents and teachers. She is an honorary board member for Parents and frequent guest on TV and NPR talk shows including Today, The Early Show, The View and Fox & Friends. Author of 20 books, this article is adapted from Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, selected by Publishers Weekly list of among the most noteworthy of 2001. Her latest book is 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know: Getting Back to Basics and Raising Happy Kids. To find out more about her work check out: http://www.moralintelligence.com. 2006 by Michele Borba www.moralintelligence.com. Permission to reprint if left intact.

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