Pagei

ThatCatWon'tFlush
WallaceO.Chariton
WordwarePublishing,Inc.

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LibraryofCongressCatalogingInPublicationData CIPavailable,ReferenceNumber9023139 Copyright1991WordwarePublishing,Inc. AllRightsReserved 1506CapitalAve. Plano,Texas75074 NopartofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformorbyanymeanswithoutpermissioninwritingfromWordwarePublishing,Inc. PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica ISBN1556221754 1098765432 9010 AllinquiriesforvolumepurchasesofthisbookshouldbeaddressedtoWordwarePublishing,Inc.attheaboveaddress.Telephoneinquiriesmaybemadebycalling: (214)4230090

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Contents
Introduction Dedication Acknowledgements A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T UVW XYZ Bibliography SelectedIndex v ix x 3 17 31 51 69 79 97 107 121 133 135 141 153 165 171 179 193 197 209 229 243 261 265 267

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Introduction
Somewiseoldsageonceremarkedthatthereneverhadbeenamoviesequelasgoodastheoriginal,whichIsuspectiscorrect.Thatsamesage,however,continued bysuggestingthatthereneverhadbeenabooksequelthatwasasgoodastheoriginal.Icertainlyhopethatisn'ttruebecausethisbookisasequelofsortssinceitis mysecondentertainingdictionarydealingwithcountrylanguage. Thelanguageusedbycountryfolksisactuallyalotmorethanjustanaccumulationofwords.Countrytalkispicturessettowords.IfIsaiditisverycoldoutside,that wouldbeamilktoastsortoflanguage.But,ifIsaiditwassocoldoutsidethatmyteethwerechatteringandtheywereinaglassonthedresser,thenyouwouldgeta strangeimageofanimpossiblesituationbutyouwouldalsoknowitwas,indeed,verycoldoutside. I'vebeencollectingthecolloquialismsanduniquesayingsthataresocommontocountrypeoplesinceIwasabouttenyearsold,andthatwasmoreyearsagothanI caretoremember.EverytimeIheardasayingIdutifullywroteitdowninasmallnotebooktopreserveitandsaveitforanotherday.Throughtheyearsmycollection hasgrownconsiderably,buttherewasalsoaproblemgrowingrightalongwithit. AsanativeTexan,I'vespentallmyliferattlingaroundtheLoneStarState.IroamedfromthePanhandletotheGulfcoastandfromEasttoWestTexasandback again.AbouttheonlytimeIwaseveroutofTexaswasduringaperiodwhenIthoughtcorporateAmericawasforme,whichitwasn't.Wheneverbusinesstookmeto BostonorChicagoorLosAngeles,Ialwaysmadeitapointnottostayanylongerthanabsolutelynecessary. Becauseofsuchlimitedhorizons,InaturallyassumedthatthelanguageofTexaswastotallyunique.Afterall,Ididn'thavemuchtocompareittobecauseIwasnever inanyotherplacelongenoughtoreallygettoknowthepeopleandlearnhowtheytalked.Thatassumptioneventuallygotmeintotrouble. WhenIfinallyspitoutthehookandabandonedlifeincorporatehell,ItookupthemouseonmyAppleMacintoshand

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startedwriting.MyintentionwastowritethegreatTexasnovel,butthankstosomefriends,Igotsidetracked.ThosefriendshadreadmynotebooksfullofTexas sayingsandtheyencouragedmetopublishthem.IfinallycavedinandabookentitledThisDog'llHuntwastheresult. TheDogbook,asithascometobecalled,wasaninstanthitandaninstantproblemallrolledintooneballofwax.Whilemyintentionwastoproducethebookfor Texans,itseemsalotofpeopleinTexaswerepurchasingcopiesandsendingthemtoAuntMarthainMaine,UncleFredinKansas,brotherBobinBoston,orto sisterSueinEngland.AsanauthorInaturallydidn'tmindthesalesbutIwasn'tquitepreparedforwhatfollowed.AlotofthosenonTexanswhoreceivedthebook tookuppaperandpentowritetoinformmethatIwaseversoslightlymistakenaboutthelanguageinthebookbeingtotallyuniquetoTexas. Asitturnedout,IheardfrompeopleinalmostalltheUnitedStatesandafairamountofforeigncountriesandthethemewasalmostalwaysthesame.Phraseslike "MygrandfatherinIowainventedthatsaying"or"I'vebeensayingthatallmylifeandI'veneverbeenclosertoTexasthannorthernOklahoma"werecommon. AlthoughIdidn'tdoanyformalsurvey,theconsensusofopinionwasthatTexansdidn'thaveanywherenearalockoncolorfullanguageandinterestingsayings.To backupthatsupposition,alotofpeoplesentmetheirfavoritesayingswithasortofunderlyingmessagethatwentsomethinglike"see,wetalkcountrytoo." Afterreadingallthelettersanddoingalotofsoulsearching,IhavecometotheconclusionthatTexansarenottheonlyoneswhousecountrytalkasapartof everydaylife.AsastaunchTexan,however,Istandpatinmybeliefthat,takenasagroup,Texansmorefrequentlyusethewordpicturesthanalmostanyothersingle groupofpeople.IgotplentyoflettersfromTexanstobackupthatposition. Thecommonthreadintheuseofcolorfullanguageseemstobecountryroots.MostpeopleIheardfromorthatIhavetalkedtoseemtohavesomecountry connection.Forexample,Ididn'thearfromasinglepersonwhogrewupandlivedhisentirelife

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inNewYorkCitybutIdidhearfromseveralcountryfolkswhohadmovedtoNewYorkinanefforttofindtheendoftherainbow.Onemanwhowasbornand raisedinChicagoadmittedthathiscolorfulsayingscamefromhisgrandfatherwhowasafarmerinIowa.TheveryfewpeopleIheardfromthatdidn'thavespecific countryrootsdidexpressadesiretomakesome,whichmeanstheycouldn'twaittogetoutofthecityandintothecountry.Ihopetheymakeit. MyoriginalintentionwiththeDogbookwastoincludeallthecountrysayingsinexistence.However,asAnnRichardspointedoutinherintroductionforthebook, thatwillneverhappen.Therearetoomanyoldsayingsforanyonepersontoknowandtherearemorebeinginventedeveryday.Forexample,afriendfromGeorgia calledtheotherdayandhappenedtomentionthathehadbeenoutdrinkingsome"stealth"whiskey.WhenIaskedwhatthatwas,hereplied,"It'swhiskeythatisso strongthatafterthreedrinksyoubelieveyoucanflyandthatnoonecanseeyou."Eventhoughstealthisamodernword,theoldboythatgavemethesayingisso countryyoucouldsmellcordwoodonhisbreath. Iteventuallybecameclearthattherearehundreds,maybethousands,ofsayingsthatdidn'tmakeitintoThisDog'llHunt.So,thankstoeveryonewhocontributed morematerial,Idecidedtocompleteasequelandincludeallthenewmaterial.Appropriately,whiletheDogbookwasanentertainingTexasdictionary,thisisan entertainingcountrydictionary.AlotofthesayingsarefromTexasbutmanyarefromcountrypeoplearoundthenation.WhetheryouareinParis,TexasParis, TennesseeorParis,France,youmayfindphrases,definitions,andwordpicturesthateithersoundlikeyouorsomeoneyouknow.Ifyouhappentohaveanyfavorite sayingsthatyou'veusedforyears(orthatyoumadeupyesterday)I'dliketohearfromyouifyoucaretosharethem.Whoknows,ifthecardsandletterskeep comingin,theremayevenbeathirdvolumesomeday.WritetomecareofWordwarePublishing,1506CapitalAve.,Plano,Texas75074.

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Evenifyoudon'twanttosendmeyoursayings,spacehasbeenprovidedinthebookforyoutorecordyourownfavorites.Iwouldencourageyoutodothatbecause soonerorlaterthegrandfatheroruncleorfatherwhosecountrytalkyouenjoywillbegone.Ifyouwritethesayingsdowninthebook,you'llalwayshavesomethingto rememberthembyandthat'simportant.Ofcourse,onceyouhavethemwrittendown,itwouldn'ttakemuchtosendmeacopynowwouldit? IhopeyouenjoythisbookhalfasmuchasIenjoyedbringingittoyoubecauseifsoyou'reinforadarngoodtime.Untilwemeetagain,Ileaveyouwithawish:May yourbankrollgetbigger,yourproblemsgetsmaller,youhoneygetsweeter,andallyourkidsbebornnaked. FromaparkinglotnextdoortotheAlamo WALLACEO.CHARITON

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Dedication

Aspromised,thisbookisrespectfullydedicatedtothefollowing: GraceArianoutos,MaryBeesinger,MarkBetts,GennyDorsett, LouGriffin,StanHall,KenHerr,SallyHogan,SueHogge,Todd Lillian,TracyMaloney,CaseyMalarcher,MickeyShort,Evelyn Stark,WadeStewart,CharlesTaylor,SusanTolar,PatTrimble, andWillVarner.Together,theyhelpedloveridetherails.Sorry folks,thepicturedidn'tturnoutgoodenoughtoprint.Maybe nexttime.

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Acknowledgements
Alotoffolkshadahandintheproductionofthisbook,whethertheyknewitornot.Thereweresomany,infact,IdoubtifIcouldeveracknowledgeeveryone's participation.Iwill,however,giveitatryandapologizeinadvancetoanyonewhowasnotincluded. Isendabigthankyoutothefollowing:DonnisBaggett,SteveBartlett,JoeBarton,GlynBeesley,KentBiffle,ThurmanBisher,BenBoothe,BobbyBragan,David Brenner,JerryBrooks,DaveBrownfield,LizCarpenter,DonaldCarter,LillianCarter,Gage,JenniferandJudyChariton,DanCook,MaryMargretDavis,Ron Davis,SpikeDykes,CharlieEckhardt,MaryLeeEdwards,JerryGlanville,StanHall,DickHitt,LouHoltz,HarryJackson,HalJay,JerryJones,RandyGalloway, PeteGent,JackGlover,MaryGoldman,EddieGonzales,LeonHale,SkipHarless,PaulHarvey,JimHightower,SallyHogan,SueHogge,JoeHolstead,Tommy Lasorda,GibLewis,KevinMcCarthy,AlanandMarthaMcCuller,TimMcEvoy,JamesB.McSheehy,Dr.BillyMills,DickMotta,LindaMylisGlenOwen,Travis Parks,DollyParton,MinniePearl,GilbertPerez,RaddieF.Perry,PaulPeterman,T.BoonePickens,EdwinPope,BillyPorterfield,PaulPryor,GlennRaines, MichaelRay,JimReeves,JoeReynolds,AnnRichards,PaulRichards,KenRigsbee,FrankRohner,RoyRogers,DarrellRoyal,JosephE.Scuro,Jr.,DickSeigel, BlackieSherrod,Dewight"Paddlefoot"Sloan,EvelynandCraigStark,RussellStultz,TanyaTucker,BigEdWilkes,ClaytonWilliams,CharlesWilson,JustinWilson, BenWilson,JimWright,KevinYoung,andRichardT.Young. AposthumousthankstoTallulahBankhead,JudgeRoyBean,DavyCrockett,HondoCrouch,W.C.Fields,JohnNanceGarner,TexasGuinan,PhilHarris,Sam Houston,LyndonJohnson,AbrahamLincoln,AliceRooseveltLongworth,ElvisPresley,SamRayburn,WillRogers,GeorgeBernardShaw,HarryS.Truman,Mark Twain,BigfootWallace,JohnWayne,andMaeWest. Finally,thankstoallthefolkswhocontributedandeitherdidnotwanttheirnamementionedorwhosenameIneverknew.

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A AMAZEDhiseyesbuggedoutlikeafrogsteppedonbyaClydesdale

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A
ABANDONEDAsanArkansasstillwhenaTreasuryagentcomescalling.Somehowthoseol'moonshineboysjustalwaysseemtoknowwhentroubleisonthe way. ABILITY,NATURALHetooktothatlikeaducktakestowater(orajackrabbittakestorunnin'). ABILITYWITHOUTBRAINSHehasplentyofgobuthedon'tknowwhentosaywhoahe'sgotthespeedbuthelackscontrol ABLEHe'sgotwhatittakestogetwhatthereistobegot. ABLEBUTUNWILLINGHeputshislampunderabushelbasket.Likealotofcountrysayings,thisonehasitsrootsintheBible(fifthbookofMatthew).Itmeans thatsomeonehasalampbutinsteadofputtingitontopofthebasketsoallcanshare,hehidesitunderthebasket. ABSENTMINDEDHecouldloseabarofsoapinsideawashraghecouldlosehiskeysinhisvestpocket. ABSOLUTEHONESTYImprovesyourcharacterandruinsyourfishingtrip ABSOLUTELYWouldatenfootchickenlayabigegg?Wouldatwotonhogmakealotofbacon?SeealsoBelieveMe,Yes ACCEPTITYougottagrabarootandgrowlsomebodyhastohavethehardseatjustcinchupyourbeltandgogetdirty ACCEPTRESPONSIBILITYIt'sbettertopassgasandbeartheblamethantonotpassgasandbearthepain. ACCEPTTHEINEVITABLETexanT.BoonePickenssaid:''Ihatetofailbutwhenit'stimetotakeabath,Igetinthetub."SeealsoInevitable ACCURATEAsanechoasamirroronthelevelas

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in"Thosefiguresareonthelevel." ACCUSATIONThat'sachickensnakecallin'ahounddoganeggsuckeryou'reaskunktellin'aturkeybuzzardhestinks ACEOFSPADESThebigdigger ACHIEVEMENTHe'sfoundhispuddlehe'sbuilthisbarn ACHINGHurtin'forcertainSeealsoInPain ACNESCARSHelookslikehisfacecaughtfireandsomeoneputitoutwithatrackshoe(oricepick)helookslikehewasbeatenwithabarbedwirebat ACQUAINTANCE,CASUALSomeoneyouknowwellenoughtotalkabout ACQUAINTED,SLIGHTLYWe'veswappedhowdies,whichisavariationontheoldsaying"we'vehowdiedbutweain'tnevershook." ACQUAINTED,SOMEWHATIknowhimwellenoughtoborrowfrombutnotwellenoughtoloanto. ACQUIESCEDHecavedinandgavein. ACTWISELY"Whenyouhavegotanelephantbythehindlegsandheistryingtorunaway,itisbesttolethimrun."AbrahamLincoln ACTINGBIGHe'sabottlefedcolttryin'toactlikeastallionhe'sgothisbigboypantsonhe'sactingalittletoobigforhisboots(orbritches)he'sactinghigh andmighty ACTINGCHILDISHHisdiddypinmustreallybestickin'inhim.SeealsoChildish ACTINGFOOLISHYou'reaskin'ablindmantotellyouwhichhorsetobuycuttin'thefoolgivingawaythestorehe'splowin'upsnakeshe'sridin'fastand loose,whichmeansheain'tholdingontootight ACTINGPOMPOUSHe'sputtin'onthedogforalltheworldtoseehe'sbigeyein'aroundtown ACTINGPREMATURELYYouwon'tcatchmanycalvesifyouthrowtheropebeforeyoubuildaloop. ACTINGSTRANGEHisclutchisslippinghistractorain'tgettin'no

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tractionhe'sactinglikesomelocoweedgotmixedintohisfeed ACTIONYoucansitupandtakenoticebutitwon'tdoanygoodifyoukeepsitting. ACTIONSSPEAKLOUDERTHANWORDSWhenthetailgatedrops,theBSstops.Thissayingcomesfromcoonhunterswholiketobragabouttheirdogs. Whentheygohuntin'thebraggingstopswhenthetailgatedropsandthedogsjumpoutofthepickuptogotowork.Fromthatpointontheactionofthedogspeaks volumesmorethanthevoiceoftheowner. ACTIONS,MISLEADINGHehasaheartofgoldbutthensodoesahardboiledegg. ACTIVEASAfourballtomcatasacalfincloverasabartender'sragonSaturdaynight ACTIVEMANSeeMale,Active ACTIVEWOMANSeeFemale,Active ACTORApuppetwithoutthestrings ACTOR(HAM)Hemakesagoodlinegreasy. ADAPTEDTOHe'sagoodhandforthat. ADDLEDShe'sgoneplumbaroundthebendhe'stechedinthehead ADOLESCENCEHe'sbetweengrassandhay,whichmeanshe'ssomewherebetweenboyhoodandmanhoodhe'sinneverneverland,whichmeanshenever wantstodokidthingsandhisparentsneverlethimdoanythingadult ADOLESCENTSomebodywhohasgraduatedfromHumptyDumptytohankypanky ADROITShe'sgotmoremovesthanabellydanceronarollercoaster. ADULTSomeonewhohasstoppedgrowingexceptinthemiddle ADVANCEWARNINGAccordingtoGibLewis,speakeroftheTexasHouse,"prewarnedisprearmed." ADVANTAGEHe'sfightin'athreeleggedbull(orablindbull)he'sgotaleguponeverybodyhe'sgotanaceinthehole.Areallybigadvantagewouldbehaving anaceintheholewithSmith

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andWessonengravedonit.SeealsoDisadvantage ADVERSARYHe'stheflyinmyointment,burrundermysaddle,nailinmyboot,orworminmyapple. ADVERTISINGTheonlybusinessthatmakesmoneywithoutadvertisingisthemintifyoustopadvertisingtosavemoney,youmightaswellstopaclocktosave time ADVICENeverputallyoureggsinonebasketorallyourwhiskeyinonewomanadviceislikealaxativeit'seasytotakebutyoucan'tneverpredicttheresults adviceislikeamushroomthewrongkindcanbefataladviceisusuallyonlygoodforpassingonneverplaypokerwithanyonenamedAcenevereatataplace calledMom'sSeealsoBusinessAdvice ADVICEFORSPEAKERSWhenyou'redonepumping,letgoofthehandle. ADVICE,SOUNDNeverbuyanythingthathasahandle,eats,needspainting,orhasbabies. AFFLICTEDDownin,suchas"He'sdowninhisback."SeealsoIll AFFLICTED,SERIOUSLYEatupwith,asin"Mywifeiseatupwithjealousyjust'causeIhadonedancewiththatlittleol'gal." AFRAIDFraidycat AGEMindovermatter:ifyoudon'tmind,itdon'tmattermakesmenandwhiskeymilder AGREEMENT,CHANGEDThepigsranthroughit. AGGRESSIVEHe'saloosehoer,whichmeanswhenhegetstohoeingweedshecantearupafairsizedpeapatchorruinseveralacresofcotton.Seealso Female,AggressiveorMale,Aggressive AGGRESSIVENESSIt'sbettertopickfruitthanwaitforittofallhe'sgotplentyofBillygoatinhisbloodapersonwithpushdon'tneednopullin' AGREEABLEMightaswell,wecan'tdanceandit'stoowettoplow. AIMHIGHEaglesdon'tchasefliesit'sbettertoaimhighandmissthantoaimlowandhitthetarget ALASKATheworld'slargestsnowjob

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ALCOHOLICHesuffersfromAnheuser'sdiseasehisfavoritedrinkisthenextonetheonlytimeheeverrefusedadrink,hedidn'tunderstandthequestion workshiswaydownfrombottomsupwheneverhegetsintroublehetriestouseacorkscrewtopullhimselfoutofitAnalcoholicisnotonewhodrinkstoomuch, butonewhocan'tdrinkenough.SeealsoDrunk ALCOHOLICARTHRITISHegetsalotofpaininthejoints. ALCOHOLISMPanthercolic ALERTHe'sbrighteyedandbushytailedhesleepswithoneeyewideopenandtheotheroneonlyhalfclosed ALIKEThereain'taplugnickel'sdifferencebetween'emtheyweretarredwiththesamebrush ALIMONYIslikemakingpaymentsonapickuptruckthatgothitbyatrainthehighcostofleavingleavehomepayacaseofwifeanddebt ALLEverythingunderthesun ALLMYLIFEAllmyborndays ALLTOGETHEREverybodyisinthesamepew(orstewpot). ALLWORK,NOPLAYIt'sallhominyandnoham ALMOSTNearly'boutasin"Inearly'boutgotcaughtwhenIstolethosewatermelons." ALMOST,BUTNOTQUITEPertnearbutnotplumb ALMOSTEMPTYRunnin'onfumesrunnin'onmemories ALMOSTOVERYou'rehoeingtheshortrowsthefatladyisclearingherthroat(orreachingforthesongbook).WhenDickMottawascoachoftheCleveland CavaliersoftheNBA,hewasfondofsaying,"theoperaain'tovertillthefatladysings,"soifthefatladywasreachingforthesongbook,theoperawouldbealmost over.turnontheairconditionerinthebus,whichmeanstheballgameisallbutoverandthevisitingteamisaboutreadytoleaveit'salloverbuttheshouting,which meanstheoutcomeisnolongerindoubtbutthecelebrationhasn'tofficiallybegun

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ALONEAllbyhislonesomecookingsolitarychili,whichmeanshe'scookingonlyenoughforone ALTERNATIVEInsteadofbitingthebullet,trygettingtheleadoutthehindtitisbetterthannotitatallthere'smorethanonewaytodressacalf'sheadwhen youareuptoyournoseinmanure,trybreathingthroughyourears ALUMNIHe'snotanathletebutheisanathleticsupporter. ALWAYSTHINKINGHebroughtinadrywellandtriedtocutuptheshaftsohecouldsellitforpostholes. AMAZEDHiseyesbuggedoutlikeafrogthathadbeensteppedonbyaClydesdale. AMAZINGNowdon'tthatbeatallI'vebeentothreecountyfairs,tworodeosandagoatropingandIain'tneverseenanythinglikethat! AMBITIONEverymanhastheambitiontooutsmarthorses,fish,andwomeneverywomanhastheambitiontooutsmartmen,mirrors,andbathroomscales AMBITION,LACKINGAlittlefishcan'tbiteabighookbuthecanbedinnerforabigfish.Thismeansthatsomeonewhochoosestoremainasmallfishinthe pondwon'thavetoworryaboutbeingcaughtonabighookbuthewillhavetoalwaysbelookingoverhisshoulderforthefishthatdidchoosetogrow. AMBITIOUSHewhittlin'withabigknife. AMNESIASomethingfriendsgetwhenyouloanthemmoney AMOUNT,SMALLSmidgen ANATOMYThebestpartofagirl(orman) ANCESTRYBarkofthefamilytree ANCESTRY,CLOUDEDHe'sgotsomeshadybranchesonhisfamilytree. ANCESTRY,POOREventhebestfamilytreehasitssap. ANEMICHe'ssoanemic,ifhecuthisfingerhe'dhavetogetatransfusionbeforehecouldbleedhe'stickproof ANGERMakesyourmouthworkfasterthanyourmindyoucan'tbeangryandreasonableatthesametimeanymorethanahorsecan

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buckandeathayatthesametime ANGERSMakesmewanttokickastumpbarefootedmakesmybuttdipsnuff(orcrochetabuttonhole)thatchapsmybackside ANGRYHoppin'madasabobcatinamudholeasasoretailedbearasanalligatorwithchappedlipsenoughtoeatthesightsoffasixshooter,whichmeans someoneisalmostangryenoughtostartshootin'butnotquiteshewashotterthanapotofboilingcollardshewassohotunderthecollarthatallthehaironhis neckwassingedoffandhisearlobesshriveledupSeealsoFemale,AngryMale,AngryUpset ANGRYWORDSYou'repreachingyourownfuneral,meaningyou'reabouttotalkyourselfintoafightthatwillbeyourlast.Itisaslightvariationtotheoldsaying, "hotwordsleadtocoldslabs." ANGRY,BUTINCONTROLHe'schewin'histobacconinetytonuthin',whichmeansheisveryangrybutnotenoughtospitouthistobaccoandfight.Instead,he justchewsfasterandspitsmore. ANOTHERHELPINGThatwassogoodmytonsilssnappedbackandslappedthetasterightoutofmymouth,whichisacountrywayofsayingyou'dlikeanother helpingsoyoucanrememberthetastealittlelonger. ANTHornedfrogfood.Eventhoughhornedfrogs(whichareactuallylizards)arealmostextinct,thosethatremainpreferadietheavilylacedwithjuicyredants. ANTIQUESomethingthathasmadearoundtriptograndma'sattic ANXIOUSHe'sfoamingatthetroughhe'schompingatthebithe'sgotantsinhispants,whichbringstomindtheoldcountrysaying,youcan'tcureantsinthe pantsbysleepingwithananteater APOLOGETICHe'sgothishatinhishand,whichisareferencetothefactthatalotofcountryboysdon'tnevertakeofftheirhatunlessthey'refixin'toapologizefor something. APOLOGYWhensomebodyapologizeswhenthereain'tnoneed,thenheknowssomethingyoudon't.

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APPEARANCEIt'sthemanthatmakesthecowboy,notthedudsclothesdonotmaketheman,especiallyifit'sanapron APPEARANCE,BADLookslikeastumpfullofbrushfrazzledratshelooksliketheoffspringofascarecrowhelookslikehegotcaughtinthegearsofa combineanddrugforthreeacreshelookslikedeathsittingonacrackerhelookslikesomethingthecatdruginyoulooklikeyouweredrawnthroughaknothole backwardsyoulooklikeyouwerechewedup,spitout,andsteppedon APPEARANCE,DECEIVINGLikeavulture,helooksscarybuthe'sharmlessyoucanfindalotofthreadonasmallspoolyoucan'ttellhowfastarabbitcan runbylookingathisearsyoucanputpantsonawomanbutshe'sstillawoman APPRECIATESimply'preciatetomostcountryboys APPRECIATIONI'dtakekindlytoitI'lldancenakedatyournextweddingifyou'lldothatforme. APPREHENSIVEAsadoctoroperatingonalawyerwhospecializesinmalpracticecases. ARGUMENTLikeacountyroad,youneverknowwhereitwillgowhenarguingwithafoolmakesureheain'tdoingthesamething ARGUMENT,STUPIDThat'saboutasdumbastwobaldheadedmenfightingoverafinetoothcomb. ARGUMENTCLOSEIt'stimetobackthehearseup(orstartthehearse).Thesesayingsareusedtocloseanargumentyoulostbecausetheimplicationisthat disasterisimminent. ARIDLANDSeeLand,Dry ARIZONA(Arazona)Accordingtotheoldcountrylegend,Arizonaain'tnoplaceforamateurs. ARKANSAS(ArKINsaw)Landofhills,thrills,andstills ARMADILLOPoorman'spigHooverhogsroadtargets,whichcomesfromthefactthatsomanyarmadillosarekilledwhiletryingtocrossahighwaySeealso Jumps ARROGANTHe'sgotmorecrustthanapecanpiefactory

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ARTHRITIS(arthurEYEtus)Thebigmiseries ARTIST,POORHecouldn'tdrawaconclusion ASLEEPHe'slookingforlightleaks(orpinholes)inhiseyelids. ASLEEP,SORTOFJustrestin'myeyeballsasin"HowcouldIhavebeensnoringwhenIwasjustrestin'myeyeballs?" ASPIRATIONHe'sjustalittlepebble,buthewantstobethewholebeachhe'sjustalittletadpoletryin'tobethebigfroginthepond ASPIRATION,LOWIfyouwanttobealamb,getreadytomeetcoyotes. ASSESSMENTIfeelaboutthatlikealamppostfeelsaboutadog. ASSETS,GOODHe'sgotapenfullofbabydonkeys.Intheolddays,babydonkeyswereagreatassetbecausetheycouldeitherbesoldorkeptsotheycouldone dayreplaceolddonkeysthatworeout. ASSIGNMENT,DIFFICULTYou'reaskingmetochangebulbsinalightningbug. ASSISTANCEYoudon'tneedhelpfallingdown,butahandgettin'upisnice. ASSISTED,SOMEWHATI'lllendahandbutIdidn'ttakeyoutoraise. ASSISTEDProppedhimup ASSUMEMakesanassoutof"u"andme. ASSUMPTIONSWon'tfeedthebulldog ASSUMPTION,WRONGSeePresumptuous ATHISMERCYHe'sgotmebytheshorthairs. ATRISKYou'reridin'ashorthorseintallbrush,whichmeansthere'sagoodchanceyou'llenduponthegroundpickin'stickersoutofyourbacksideyou're dancin'withthesheriff'smistress,whichmeansifyougetcaughtyou'reliabletoendupshotorinjailorbothSeealsoRiskTaking ATHEISMAfairweatherreligion ATHEISTHasnoonetotalktowhenhe'salone ATHLETE,STUPID(athaleet)Hecandoanythingwithafootballexceptautographit.Baseballorbasketballcaneasilybe

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substitutedforfootball.Hedon'tknowthemeaningofthewordfear,ormostanyotherword. ATHLETICSUPPORTERJewelboxmarblesacknutcup ATLANTA,GEORGIA(Atlanna)WhenJerryGlanvillewashiredbytheAtlantaFalconsafterbeingfiredbytheHoustonOilers,hewasaskedwhathehad learnedsincejoiningtheFalcons.Hereplied,"I'velearnedthatifyouaren'tsleepinginAtlanta,you'rejustcampingout."ItisjustpossibleGlanvillepickedupthat phraseinHouston,becauseTexansforyearshavesaidthesamethingwithTexassubstitutedforAtlanta.SeealsoGeorgia ATTEMPTINGTHEIMPOSSIBLEYou'retryingtohitafiverunhomeryou'retryingtobathefivekidsinatwokidwashtub.Inthecountry,ifyouhadalarge washtubandtwosmallchildren,itwaspossibletobathebothofthelittleonesatthesametimetosavewater.Thereneverhasbeen,however,awashtublargeenough forfivekidsatonesitting. Also,you'retryin'tosquarethecircle.Thissayingoriginatedlongagowhenmathematicianstriedtobuildasquarethatwouldhaveexactlythesameareaasacircle. Themathboysnevermadeitandgenerationslaterwefoundoutwhyitcan'tbedone.Thesayingeventuallyfounditswaytothecountryeventhoughalotoffolks thatuseditprobablyneverknewexactlywhatitmeant.SeealsoImpossible ATTENTIONGETTERThat'llgetyourattentionfasterthanacrosseyedjavelinthrower. ATTENTIONSPAN,SMALLHe'sgottheattentionspanofagnat.Mosquito,chigger,housefly,oralmostanyothersmallinsectcanbesubstituted'causenoneof 'emhaveaverylongattentionspan. ATTRACTEDTOLikeamothtoaflamelikeacounterfeitquartertoamagnet AUCTIONEERAmanwhocanpickyourpocketwithhistongue AUTOBIOGRAPHYAbookthatrevealsnothingbad

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aboutthewriterexcepthismemory AUTOMOBILE,FASTIt'llpasseverythingbutagasstation AUTOMOBILE,LARGELandcruiserlandyacht AUTOMOBILE,SMALLAbeercanonwheels AUTOMOBILEDENTS,MINORWhiskeydents,whicharethesmall,unexplaineddentsanddingsyoufindinyourcarthemorningafteranightatthelocal honkytonk. AUTOMOBILEREPAIRSSeeSolution,Temporary AVERAGEFairtomiddlin' AVERAGEPERSONSomeonewhoisasclosetothebottomasheistothetop AVOIDYoubettergoaroundhimlikeyouwouldaswampatnight. AVOIDTROUBLEDon'tgetbetweenadogandhisboneifyourunyourcaronchickenmanure,youwon'thaveanytroublewithsiphonersdon'tgoaround kickingsleepingdogsifyouwanttoavoidreallybigtrouble,nevergetbetweenapoliticianandaTVnewscrew. AWKWARDAsablindbearinabriarpatch

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Thisspaceisforyourfavoritesayings.

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B BORINGasanudistcolonywithoutapeepholeinthefence

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B
BABYAsuckerthatgetsanevenbreakwhenbabyishappy,everyoneishappy BABY,FATHelooksliketheworld'slargestdumpling. BABY,UGLYSeeUglyBaby BABYCHICKBiddie BABYSITTERAteenagerthatgetspaidfortalkingonthephoneandeatingleftovers BABYGROWTHCHARTAsababygrowsitgoesthroughseveralveryidentifiablestages.StageOne:AnArmyoungun,whichmeansthebabyissosmallithas tobeheldatalltimeswhennotinacrib.StageTwo:Lapbabywhichmeansthebabyhasgrownenoughthatyoucanrestitonyourlapforafewminutesatatime. StageThree:Kneebaby,whichmeansthelittleoneisbigenoughtobounceonyourkneeandalmostreadytowalk.StageFour:Sitalonebaby,whichmeanshe's oldenoughtositonapalletallbyhimselfwhileyoucooksupper.StageFive:Porchbaby,whichmeansthebabyhasjustlearnedtowalkandyoucanlethim wobblearoundtheporchwhileyousitintherockerandknit.StageSix:Yardbaby,whichmeansthebabyhasgottengoodenoughatwalkin'thatyoucanlethim wanderaroundtheyardwhileyou'rehoeinginthegarden.StageSeven:Teenager BACHELORAgoodol'boythat'sfootlooseandfiancfreeheain'tevermarried'causehe'slookingfortheperfectwomanhe'sbeenturneddownmorethanan armyblankethisfavoritedishisonethatisalreadywashedamanwholeanstowardwomenbutnotfarenoughtoalterhisstanceOneofthemysteriesoflifeis whyallbachelorsaren'trich. BACKTOBASICSGobacktothechickenpenandlearnhowtoscratch. BACKSEATDRIVERTheonlypersonnotbotheredby

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abackseatdriverisahearsedriver. BACKWARDSYougotyourhindpartbeforeyourfrontpartyougotyourzipperonthewrongsideyougotyourhindsightfirst BADBREATHSeeBreath,Bad BADDRIVERWaitingtoberecalledbyhismakerhe'salittleol'ladyindisguise BADMOODSomebodymessedinhismesskit. BAFFLEDHedon'tevenknowwhatplanethe'son. BAKEACAKEBuildacake BALDHEADI'veseenmorehaironacrystalballhishairdepartedinthemiddleahairontheheadisworthtwointhebrushhepartshishairwithatowelhis hairlookslikeitwaspartedbyaboltoflightningGodmadeafewperfectheads,theresthecoveredwithhairtheadvantagetobeingbaldisthatyouareimmune tohairraisingstoriesbaldmenarethemostdiscriminatedagainstbecausetheyhavetopayfullpriceforahaircutSeealsoHairRestorer,Good BALDINGHeain'tgoin'bald,he'sjustmakingroomforanewface. BANDAGE,LARGEConversationstarter,especiallyifit'sonyourforehead. BANGINGLikeascreendoorinawhirlwind BANKTELLERTheonlypersonwhocanbetallandshortatthesametime BANKERApawnbrokerthatmadegoodsomebodywho'llloanyouanumbrellawhenthesunisshiningandwantitbackwhenitrains BANKER,TIGHTHegivesyouthesameamountofcreditasasharecroppergetsinaNewOrleanswhorehouse.SeealsoGrandCanyon BAPTISTAhellexpert.It'sbeensaidthatBaptistslearnasmuchaspossibleabouthellsothey'llbefamiliarwithwheretheirMethodistfriendsgoafterdeath. BAPTIST,BACKSLIDERHisdippin'didn'ttake.Orhewasdippedinmuddywater. BAPTIST,DEVOUTAhardshell,footwashingBaptistdeepwaterbaptistsomebodywhoain'tinthearmyoftheLord,he'sinthenavyverydevoutBaptists

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nevermakelovestandingupforfearsomeonemightthinktheyweredancing BAPTIST,DRINKERAclosetdrinkerifyouplaygolfwithaBaptist,alwaysplaywithatleasttwo.Ifyouplaywithonlyone,he'lldrinkallthebeer. BARBECUE,GOODSeeFriedChicken,Good BARBECUESAUCECorrectionfluidhascoveredupmoremistakesthanamaternitydress BARBERSHOPClipjoint BAREFOOTBarefootedclearfooted''soleless" BARELYMADEITMadeitbytheskinofmyteethasin,"Iwassafeatsecondbytheskinofmyteeth." BASEBALLCATCHER,GOODHecouldcatchaBBatmidnight. BASEBALLCATCHER,POORTheonlythinghecancatchischickenpox. BASEBALLHITTER,STRONGHecanhitoneoutofanypark,includingYellowstone,whichishowPaulRichardsoncedescribedHarmonKilabrew. BASEBALLPITCHER,INEPTHeworkedtwoyearstostraightenouthiscurve. BASEBALLPITCHER,STRONGHethrowssohard,thebaseballlookslikeanaspirinhecouldthrowalambchoppastawolfTommyLasordaoncesaidof FernandoVelenzuela,"Hecanthrowabaseballthroughacarwashandnotgetitwet." BASEBALLPITCHER,WILDHe'sbeenknowntohitbatterswhiletheywerestillintheondeckcircle. BASEBALLPLAYER,SLOWHecouldbethrownoutatfirstbasetryin'tostretchadoubleintoasingle,whichishowwriterStanleyFrankoncedescribedLou Boudreau. BASHFULItmakeshimblusheverytimeheremembershewasinbednakedwithawomanthedayhewasborn. BATHTUB,LARGEBigasadippin'vat BATTERY,STRONGYoucouldusethatthingtojumpstartanuclearsubmarine. BEALERTKeeponeeyeoutforsnakesandtheothereyeoutforhornetsthe

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shrimpthatsleepsgetstakenawaybythecurrent BEAPPRECIATIVEDon'tbitetheteatyou'renursin'on,whichiscountryfor'Don'tbitethehandthatfeedsyou." BECALMSeeCalmDown BECAREFULEverythingthatcomesfromthecowain'tbuttersowatchwhatyouspreadonyourbreaddon'teverstepbetweenamanandhisspittoonputall youreggsinonebasketandthenwatchthatbasketverycarefullybeforeyoutakeabiteoutofsomething,makesureitwon'tbiteyoubackyoucan'talwaystell whichdog'llbiteyoumilkthecowbutdon'tpulltheudderoffifitsoundstoogoodtobetrueitprobablyisplay'emclosetothevest,whichisthebestwayto playyourcardsinapokergameSeealsoCareful BECAUTIOUSDon'tcelebrate'tillyou'reoutofthewoodscausethepossemightbehidingbehindthelasttree. BEDECISIVEWhenthesnakeraiseshisheadit'stimetokillit. BEOBSERVANTYoucan'ttellwhichwaythetrainwentbylookingatthetracks. BEONTIMERemember,thewormthatwasatebytheearlybirdwasrunninglate. BEPATIENTTakea'taterandwaitletthattraingoonby'causethenextonemaybeloadedwithprettygirlswaitandseehowhighthecatjumpsyoucan't measureasnakeuntilit'sdeadjustsittight,everythingwillcomeoutinthewashtheGrandCanyonwasn'tduginaday,whichiscountryforRomewasn'tbuiltina day BEPREPAREDAhookwithoutbaitdon'tcatchnofishifyou'regonnarunwithcoyotes,youbetterlearntolikethetasteofchickenfeathers BEQUIETKeepyour'tatertrapshutit'shardtoputafootinaclosedmouthalittlebirdshouldn'tchirpmuchwhenit'sinhawkcountryGodgaveyoutwo ears,twoeyes,andonemouthsoyououghttobeabletofigureoutwhichheexpectedyoutousethemost. BESATISFIEDIfyougetagoodomelet,don'tworrywhetherthechickenlikesyouornot.

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BESELECTIVEAdmirealargehorse,saddleasmallonefeedthehorsesyouride BESMARTKeepyourheadupandyourbacksidedownbrainsintheheadsaveblistersonthefeetdon'tsendyourdogtothebutchershoporyourdaughterto themallhuntwheretheducksare,whichessentiallymeansdon'thuntducksinadesertdon'tstoreyourmeatinyourbrotherinlaw'sfreezerdon'tbuyacow whenyoucangetthemilkfree,whichusuallymeansdon'tgetmarriedaslongastherearesomewillin'womenleft BESPECIFICOnJanuary24,1990,amemberoftheDallasMavericksenteredthegamewearinghisuniformshortsbackwards.Followingthegame,hetold reporters,"I'vebeenprayingtotheLordtoshowmeawaytogetmorerecognition.InthefutureI'llbealittlemorespecific."Thatgoesalongwiththeoldcountry saying"God'smightysmartbutheain'tnomindreader." BEYOURSELFBlazeyourowntrail.Ifyoufollowanotherman'stracks,youdon'tknowifheknewwherehewasgoingornot,whichisaslightvariationtotheold standby"Anotherman'stracksmightjustaswellleadtohellasheaven." BEANSArkansasstrawberries BEARD,HEAVYHecouldraiserabbitsinhisbeard. BEARD,LONGHelookslikeheswallowedagrayhorse.Ifthebeardissomecolorotherthangray,substitutethecorrectcolorforthehorse. BEATCleanhisplowwindhiswatchgivehimawhatforlesson BEATENBADHehungmyhideonafence,whichmeansyougotbeatenbadlyandeveryoneknowsithekickedmybuttsohardIcouldtastebootleatherhe knockedmejustthissideofheavenheknockedmytoenailsloosehehitmesohardmyliverturnedacartwheelhegavemeanallworldbuttkickin' BEAUTYMEASURETheClydesdaleScale,whichisthenumberofClydesdalehorsesthatwouldberequiredtopullyouawayfromawoman.Therefore,ifa prettygirlratesa7ontheClydesdaleScale,thatwouldmeanitwouldtakesevenof

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thegianthorseshitchedtoyourbacktopullyouawayfromher. ThereisalsotheReverseClydesdaleScale,whichisthemeasureofhowmanyClydesdaleswouldhavetobehitchedtoyourbutttodragyouovertoherhousefora freemeal.A1ontheReverseClydesdaleScalewouldmeansheisfairlyuglybutadarngoodcook.Conversely,a10wouldmeanshe'ssouglyshe'dmakeafreight traintakeadirtroadandhercookingissobaditain'tfitforsloppinghogs.Note:BoththeClydesdaleScaleandtheReverseClydesdaleScalecanbeusedbyladies todescribetheirpreferenceinmen. BEDAnightspot BED,CROWDEDThey'resleepingheadsandtails. BEERFertilizerforraisin'hellkidneywash(orflush)bellybuildersomethingyoudon'twannareloadwithifyournervesareshot BEER,BADOughttobepouredbackintothehorsewhereitcamefromcoyoteslobberpantherpee BEERDRINKER,SERIOUSHecanholdmorebeerthanagopherholehedrinkslikehewasweanedwithbeerSeealsoCoffeeDrinker,Avid BEGINGetonwiththeoperaorlettheoperabegin. BEGINNINGTriggertime,whichmeansit'stimetopullthetriggerandgetstartedthegetgo BEGINNINGTOUNDERSTANDI'mbeginningtoseesomedaylight,whichbasicallymeanshe'sbeeninthedarkbuthe'sfinallybeginningtounderstand,so somelightisbeingshedonthesubject. BEHINDYou'rebringinguptherearlikethetailofanoldcow. BELIEVEME(bleeveme)IfI'mlyin'I'mdyin'ifItellyoutherewillbeadanceyoucantuneyourfiddleifItellyouit'sgonnacomearainyoucansetoutthe catchbarrelifItellyouit'sHalloween,youcanputonyourmaskSeealsoAbsolutelyYes BELLY,LARGEBanjobelly BETRAYEDSheletdownhermilktothewrongman.Youcan'ttakeacow'smilk,shehastoletitdowntosomeoneshetrusts.

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BETWEENTHEEYESBetweentherunnin'lights BEWAREThemanwhodon'tlikeafasthorse,afatcow,afirmwoman,andfoamonhisbeer. BIG,STRONG,ANDSTUPIDHe'sbigasagorilla,strongasagorilla,andabouthalfassmartasagorilla. BIGHEADEDHisheadisgettingtoobigforhistoupee. BIGMOUTHSeeMouth,Large BIGSHOTAlittleshotwhokeptfiring BIGSPENDERBigbutterandeggman.WhenTexasGuinanownedherfamousnightclubinNewYork,sheoftengreetedguestswith"Hello,Sucker."Onenight sheaskedasuckerwherehewasfromandhesaidhewasadairyfarmerfromWisconsin.FortheentireeveningTexasreferredtohimasher'BigButterandEgg Man."Thesaying,whichmayormaynothavebeenaGuinanoriginal,eventuallybecameacountryfavoritetodescribeabigspender. BIGTROUBLESeeTrouble,BigTime BIGAMISTHe'srasslin'twoalligatorsatthesametime. BIGAMYTworitesthatmakeawrongonewifetoomany,which,somepeoplebelieve,canalsobeusedformonogamy BIKINIAbaitwiggleratrollsuit BIKINI,SMALLThereain'tenoughmaterialinthatbikinitomakeapetticoatforapissant. BIRDHUNTER,DUMBHekilledhisbirddogbythrowingitupintheairtoseehowhighitcouldfly. BISCUIT,HARDIfthatsuckerhadasharpedge,youcouldcutadiamondwithit. BISCUIT,HEAVYIfthatthingwasalittlebigger,theOlympicteamcoulduseitforashotput. BISCUIT,LARGEBellybreakerscatheadbiscuitsthey'resobigitwouldonlytakenineofthemtomakeadozen BLACKAsthedirtroadsinEastTexasastheinsideofanunopenedcoffeecan BLAMEFault,asin"Youcan'tfaulthimforstealingthatgoat'causehiskidsneedmilkandtheyain'tseen

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theirmothersincesherunoffwiththepreacher." BLANKET,THINHenskinblanketmyblanketissothinIcanlayunderitandcountthecracksintheceiling BLEEDINGLikeadehornedcowlikeastuckpig BLIVITThesoundmadewhenyouputtenpoundsofmanureinafivepoundsackandhitsomeonewithit BLOODYHelookedlikehe'dbeenrasslin'adozenhornedtoads.Apopularlegendhasitthathornedtoadscanspitbloodwhenexcited.Thetruthis,theyexpelthe bloodthroughtheireyes.Nomatterhowtheydoit,ifyouhandleahornedtoad,youmaycomeawaylookinglikeyouwereinaknifefightwithanoctopus.Seealso KnifeFightVictim BLOW,MISDIRECTEDAmislick,asin"Iswunghardatol'BillyFredbutitwasamislick.Hethenproceededtowhupthefireoutofme." BLUFFHecouldbluffabuckdeeroutofhisantlershecouldbluffabigdogoutofhisbone. BLURRYAsanewmooninathickfog BLUSHTheonlythingthatcannotbecounterfeitedmanistheonlyanimalthatcanorneedstoblush BMWYuppiemobile BOATThetwohappiestdaysinaman'slifearethedayhebuysaboatandthedayhesellsit. BOLDHe'dFrenchkissanuglyfrog BOLDASAblindburglarasa400poundballerina BOLTTURNINGRULESRightytighty,leftyloosy BOOK,DULLIthasaboutasmuchactionasasnake'ships.Thissayingcouldalsobeusedforadullmovieortelevisionprogram. BOOK,POORThebiggestproblemwiththatbookisthatthecoversaretoofarapart. BOOK,SULTRYItcanproducemoreheatthanaMexicancookbook BOOK,WORNHasmorewearonitthanagirliemagazineonatroopship BOSSIERCITY,LOUISIANAKnownasBoozercitybecauseofthenumberoflocaltaverns,saloons,andhonkytonks.

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BOOTS,WORNThesolesonhisbootsweresothinyoucouldreadasmallprintBiblethroughtheminbadlight. BORETheonlytimehelightsuptheroomiswhenheleaveshecanstaylongerinanhourthanmostpeoplecaninaweekhehasthepersonalityofanemptyglass (oradishrag)he'sgotallthesparkleofabottleofchampagnethat'sbeenleftopenforaweek BOREDHereIam,drunk,alldressedup,andnowheretogo. BORINGAsanudistcolonywithoutapeepholeinthefenceasaballoonraceatnight(noonecanseewhatisgoingon)downtowndull,whichisareferenceto thereusuallybeingverylittletodointhedowntownsectionofasmallcountrycommunitySeealsoDull BORNLOSERIfhewasthelastmanonearth,thelastwomanonearthwouldbehissister(ormotherinlaw)ifhequitsmoking,he'dgethitbyatruckifhe boughtapumpkinfarm,they'dcancelHalloweenifheboughtaChristmastreefarm,they'dcancelChristmas(orSantaClauswouldgethitbya747) BORROWINGIslikescratchinganitch,itonlyfeelsgoodforalittlewhile BOSTONBAWHstun,never,everBAAAstun BOUNCEThathasmorebouncethanavolleyballgameinanudistcolony BOWLEGGEDAsabarrelhoophecouldn'tcatchapiginaphoneboothhe'ssobowleggedhecouldtiehisshoelaceswithoutbendingover,whichishowLefty GomezoncedescribedHonusWagner BOYLikeacanoe,aboyworksbestwhenpaddledfromtherear. BOY,YOUNGHisdaddywasapistolandhe'sasonofagun,butheain'tloadedyet. BRA,LARGEYoucoulduseherbraforabagtocarryyourbowlingball. BRAGGARTHe'stryingtobuildareputationonwhathe'splanningtodotomorrowifBSwasmusic,hecouldplaythePhilharmoniche'devenbragaboutthe numberofsitdownholesinhisouthouse BRAGGINGBeforeyoustarttootingyourownhorn,besureyouhavejuiceinthebatterystruttin'yourokrathe

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onlytimeyoushouldblowyourownhorniswhenyou'reinabandthehenthatlaysthebiggesteggusuallydoestheleastcackling BRANDNEWBrandspankin'new BRAVEASThemanwhoatethefirstcalffry.Lamb,pig,orturkeyfriescanbesubstituted.IthasbeensaidthatanyWesternerthatwon'teatcalffriesmusthave laceonhisshortsandwaterinhispistol.Also,thepersonswhoatethefirstoysterandthefirsteggwereequallyasbrave. BRAVEENOUGHTomarryawomanwho'sbeenwidowedthreetimestobreakupafightbetweentworedheadedwomen BRAVERYAconditionbroughtonbynecessityorafewcoldbeerswhatyouhavetohavewhenyourunoutofoptions BRAVERY,SORTOFEvenarabbitwillkickacoyotewhenit'sdead. BREASTS,FALSEHiddenpersuadersflatfixersshe'sflyin'underfalsecolors,whichisderivedfromshipsflyingaflagotherthanthecorrectone BREATH,BADWolf(orcoyote)breathhisbreathsmellslikeheusedaskunktailforamoustachehisbreathsmellslikeheorderedacheeseburgerandhad'em cuteverythingbuttheonionsremember,however,nomatterhowbadthebreathsmells,itisstillbetterthanhavingnobreathatall BRIGHTAsapewterbuttonasafreshmintpenny BRIGHTPERSONHe'ssobrightwehavetoputhimintheclosettogetthesuntocomeup. BROKEIfitcostanickeltousethetoilet,I'dhavetousethesinkifCadillacswere$10apiece,Icouldn'taffordthehoodornamentoffaChevetteI'msobrokeI can'tevenentertainadoubtIhadtogetanadvancefromMastercardtomakeapaymentonmyVisacardI'masbrokeasLazarusandhehadadogbrokeis whathappenswhenyouhavemoreyearningsthanyoudoearningsSeealsoDestitutePoorPoverty BROKE,ALMOSTBorderlinebroke BROKENAsabustedtracechainoutofwhack

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BRONCRIDERNeedsalightheadandaheavyseat BRONC,WILDThewildestbroncisalwaystheoneyourodesomewhereelse. BRUSH,THICKTherabbitshadtoclimbatreetolookout. BUCKTOOTHEDHecouldeatapumpkinthroughapicketfence. BUDGETLikeagirdle,ittakescareofthebulgeinoneplaceanditpopsoutsomewhereelselikeagirdle,thereusuallyain'tenoughtocovereverything BUILDING,HAUNTEDVoodoopalace BUILDING,LARGEBigenoughtoholdanindoordeerhunt BUILDING,UGLY'Thishasalltheearmarksofaneyesore,"saidJamesB.McSheehy. BUSIERThanaonearmedpaperhangerinapoisonivypatch BUSINESS(bidness)Acontactsport,accordingtoJerryJones,owneroftheDallasCowboysthosethatcando,thosethatcan'tbecomelawyersandgointo politics BUSINESS,BADIdon'tevenhavetolietotheIRS BUSINESSADVICENeverenterintoadealwithsomeonewhohaslessmoneythanyouhave.CarolHallmayhavesaiditbestin"ALil'OleBittyPissant CountryPlace"writtenforthestageproductionof"TheBestLittleWhorehouseinTexas."Shewrote,"Youkeepyourmindonyourworkresponsibilities,don'tlet yourmouthoverloadyourcapabilities,andwecangetalong.'' BUSINESSLOYALTYIfyoufindagoodhorse,ridehiminsteadofcontinuingtolookforanotherhorse. BUSINESSOPPORTUNITY,GOODThisbusinessisbetterthanhavingtheneonconcessioninLasVegas. BUSINESSSENSEBeescan'tmakehoneyandstingatthesametime. BUSINESSSENSE,POORHecouldn'trunapumpkinstandifyougavehimthepumpkinsandthesheriffstoppedtrafficontheinterstatehedoesprecision guesswork BUSINESSMAN,DECEITFULIfyoubuy

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milkfromhimyoubettercheckitforminnows.RoyBeanoncesoldmilkinSanAntonio,Texas.Whenseveralcustomersreportedfindingminnowsintheirmilk,Roy explainedthathiscowshadbeendrinkingfromanearbycreekandmusthaveswallowedtheminnows.Theexcusedidn'tholdwatersoRoyquicklyheadedWestto becomeajudgeinPecos,Texas. BUSINESSMAN,HONESTHe'lltellyouinadvancethathe'sgonnacheatyou. BUSINESSMAN,SMALLTIMEHe'sjustapeanutoperator. BUST,LARGEThe8thand9thwondersoftheworldsheonlydatesmountainclimberstheycallhermelon'causeitlookslikeshe'scarryin'acoupleof honeydewsinhershirt BUST,SMALLShelookslikeabedwithoutpillowsshedon'twearanAcup,shewearsasaucershewearsathimblecupbraifshegotapimpleononeofher breastsitwoulddoubleinsize BUSYI'mjustweavin'andworkin,'workin'andweavin.' BUSYASAzipperinatightskirt,whichmeansithastoworkallthetimejusttostaytogetherasonehorseinatwobuggytownasacatoncastoroil,which meanshespendsallhistimeeithersquattin'orcoverin'itupasafeathermerchantinachickenpluckingfactoryduringawhirlwindasadoginafirehydrant factoryasagrasshopperonaredantbedasaprairiedogafterabigrainasaoneleggedfieldgoalkickeronafrozenfieldasacoyotechasin'fourdifferent rabbitsasacranberrymerchantasbeesinahoneysucklepatchasanoldhenwithayoungchickasaNewOrleansbartenderduringMardiGrasasapairof jumpercablesatacountyfairasatermitewithatapewormasalongnosedweevilinacottonpatchasacattryin'tocoverupallthemanureinafeedlot BUSYWORKRatkillingeverydayknittin' BUTT,BIGSeeRearEnd,Large BUZZARDSThecountyHygieneSociety

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C COLDitwassocoldmyteethwerechatteringandtheywereinajaronthedresser

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C
CAFEBeaneryeateryptomainetavernchiliparlororranchgrubcorral CAJUN(INTEXAS)Abugalee CAJUNCOOKINGDipfrozenmeatinblackpepperandthrowitintoablastfurnace.SeealsoToast,Burnt CALFFRIESMountainoysters,prairieoysters,orOklahomaoysters.Thetermsarealsousedtodescribelamb,pig,orturkeyfries,allofwhicharethetesticles fromtheanimalthatareremovedduringcastration. CALICOFEVERAfataldiseasetobachelerhood CALIFORNIAAlthoughhewasn'ttoocountry,W.C.Fieldsmayhavesaiditbestwith,"Californiaistheonlystateintheunionwhereyoucanfallasleepundera rosebushinfullbloomandfreezetodeath." CALLHISBLUFFCheckhisholecard. CALMShewassocalmshecouldthreadaneedleinanearthquake. CALMANDCOLLECTEDHedon'teverturnahair,whichisasayingthatcomesfromhorsebackriding.Afterbeingridden,ahorse'scoatwillbecomeruffled andrequirecurrying.Ifahorseisn'triddenhestayscalmandhishairdoesn'tturn. CALMASAplateofspitabootintheclosetaroadkillapoundofcalfliveronaplatter CALMDOWNTurnyourburnersdowndon'tgetyourtailoverthedashit'stheswitchin'tailthatcatchesthecocklebursdon'tbustyourbloomerstheman wholoseshisheadisusuallythelasttomissit CALORIESWeightlifters CAN'TBEDONEYoucan'ttakebackarockonceit'sbeenthrownyoucan'treusealightbulb

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CAN'TCHANGEYoucanputangelwingsonadevilbuthe'llstillstickhisforkinyou. CAN'TFINDANYTHINGIwouldn'twanttobehangin'fromaropehewaslookingfor.Theimplicationhereisthatifyouwerehangingfromaropehewas lookingfor,you'dbegoodandhungbeforehefoundit. CAN'TREMEMBERI'vesleptsincethathappened,implyingthatonceyougotosleepyouforgeteverythingthathaspreviouslyhappened. CAPABILITIES,LIMITEDSeeLimitedCapabilities CARSeeAutomobile CARDPLAYERHe'sluckierwithcardsthanwithhorses'causehedon'tevergettoshufflethehorses. CAREFREEHeain'tgotnothingtodobutspit,whittle,andwatchthesquirrels. CAREFULWatchyourstepwhenthechipsaredowntastethefoodbeforeyousaltitdon'trunagainsttheropeSeealsoBeCareful CAREFULASAbigchestedgirlinastringbikiniasafrycookinanudistcolony('causeheneverknowswheresplatteringgreasemightland)asabucknaked cowboycrawlingthroughabarbedwirefenceasasmallboytryingtowrapalargescorpioninaKleenexasacatonamarbletableasaweaselsuckin'eggs. TheodoreRooseveltoncesaidthataweaselwastheonlyanimalthatcouldsuckthegutsoutofaneggwithoutbreakin'theshell.SeealsoWalkCarefully CARELESSBEHAVIORThatain'tnowaytorunarailroad. CARESS,ROUGHAlovelick CARPENTER,POORHecouldn'tdrivenailsinJellOtheonlywayhecanavoidhittinghisthumbisifheholdsthehammerinbothhandsandhiswifeholdsthe nail CARPENTER'SLEVELWhiskeystick CASHPOORHe'slandrich,whichmeanshehadallhismoneytiedupinrealestatebeforethebottomfelloutofthemarket.Nowhe'samillionaireonpaperbuthe

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couldn'tloanyouaquartertocallacab. CASTRATESteeralize CAT,MALEAballbearingmousetrap CATSArelikeBaptists,theyraisehellbutnoonecanevercatchthematit. CATTLE,THINThosecowsaresothinyoucouldusecarbonpaperandbrandthreeorfouratthesametimethosecowsaresothinthatsixorsevenof'em wouldhavetostandupatonetimetomakeasingleshadowthosecowslookliketheyonlygotonegutthosecowsaresothinwehavetotie'emtogetherwith rawhidetokeep'emfromfallin'apart CATTLEMENTherearetwotypesofcattlemen,thosewhogobrokeandthosewhostaybroke. CAUGHTOFFGUARDTheyatemeupbeforeIknewtheywerehungry. CAUSEHIMTROUBLEDrophiminthegrease,whichbasicallymeansputhiminabadsituationandlethimcookawhilemixalittlemiseryintohistranquility CAUSEDTROUBLEThatmuddiedupthewaterthatstirredupthemanure CAUTIONDon'treinthehorsewhenhe'sjumpingneverspuraswimminghorsedon'tbelieveeverythingyoureadontombstonesneverinsultanalligatoruntil youhavecrossedtheriverthefewerknotsyougetonyourheadthebetteroffyouaregivealyin'drunkawideberth.Thereisanoldcountrysayingwhichgoes: "ThethreemostfatalthingsintheOldWestweresmallpox,badhorses,andignoranceenoughtoarguewithaliarfullofwhiskey." CAUTIOUSKeepshisseatbeltoninacarwashhewearsabeltandsuspenderslooksbothwaysbeforecrossingaonewaystreetasafatfryeronSunday morninghewearsacastironathleticsupporter CAUTIOUS,OVERLYHeputasafetybeltonhiscommodeseathe'drideamiletospit CELEBRATEWe'regonnasingalldayandeatontheground.

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CELEBRATEDTOOMUCHHereallyliveditup,nowhe'llneverliveitdown. CEMETERYThelastresort CENTERSmackdabinthemiddleasin"Ishotthatoldboarsmackdabbetweenhisrunnin'lights." CERTAINIfIain'tright,I'llkissyourbacksideinadepartmentstorewindowandgiveyouhalfanhourtodrawacrowdandsellticketsyoucanwritethatonthe wallininkyoucanpaintthatonthebarninwaterproofpaint CHALLENGINGAstryin'toturnapairofbootsbackintoanalligatorastryingtomateapossumandaporcupine CHAMBERPOTThundermugArkansasfireextinguisher CHANCE,FATSeeChance,Slim,whichraisesthequestion,howcomefatchanceandslimchancemeanthesamething? CHANCE,SLIMThechanceofthathappeningisaboutthesameasthechancetheBaptistchurchwillopenabreweryyougotaboutasmuchchanceofdoin'that asElvisdoesinmakin'ittoafootballgameattheAstrodomeifIwereyou,Iwouldn'tholdmybreathwaitin'forthattohappenyou'replayin'withacolddeck yougotaboutasmuchchanceasagrasshopperinachickenhouseasmuchchanceasaredantatahornedfrogconventionasmuchchanceasahoginasausage factoryyou'llseeaniceberginthePanamaCanalbeforeyouseethathappenyouain'tgotaChinaman'schance,whichisasayingthatoriginatedduringthe CaliforniagoldrushwhenChineseworkerstrulydidn'thavemuchofachance CHANGEFORTHEWORSEThatmuddieduptheplayground CHANGESUBJECTSPunchadifferentbuttononthejukeboxsowecandancetoanothertuneputthebridleonanotherhorse CHANGEABLETheladderworksbothwayshechangeshismindaboutasoftenasamotherchangesasickbaby'sdiaper,which,incaseyoudon'tknow,is abouteveryfiveorthreeminutes

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CHANGEDHUSBANDSShefoundanewdasherforherchurn. CHANGINGThetideisturning. CHANGINGTIMESTimesmustbechangingbecausethesedaysyouhavetorunfastjusttostandstill. CHAOSThreetruckloadsofbeanpickerswithoutaforeman CHAPPEDLIPS,SEVEREYoulooklikeyoubeenusinganOklahomacreditcard(seesiphonhose).Whenyousiphongas,ifyougetsomeonyourlipstheywill burnandlookliketheworld'sworstcaseofchappedlips. CHARACTERWhatyouhaveleftwhenyou'velosteverythingelseiseasierkeptthanrecoveredit'sbettertogotoheaveninragsthantogotohellinasilksuit likeembroidery,ismadeonestitchatatimelikeaglass,evenasmallcrackshowshe'sstrongenoughtobend CHARACTER,LACKINGHe'llstandforanythingyou'llfallfor. CHARMINGHecouldcharmapeaoutofitspodhecouldcharmthepantsoffthequeenmotherhecouldcharmpaperoffawallhecouldcharmthechrome offabumperhitchhecouldcharmthegoldoutofyourfillingshecouldcharmtheairoutofyourtires CHEAPAsanumbrellainadroughtasaChristmastreeinJanuary CHEAPTOKEEPAsapetclam CHEAPSKATEInsteadofbuyingChristmaslights,hetiedlightningbugstothebranchesofthetreeonhishoneymoonhedrovehiswifeslowlythroughan automaticcarwashandtoldheritwasNiagaraFallshewouldn'tpayanickeltoseeatermiteeataCaliforniaredwoodhewouldn'thavepaidadollarforabox seatatthelastsupperhewouldn'tpayadimetoseeapissantpullafreighttrainupPikesPeakhenevergetsadate'causehetriestomargarine'emupSeeAlso Frugal,Miser CHEATERAscalethumber,whichmeanswheneverhe'sweighingsomethinghealwaysfindsawaytogethisthumbonthescaleforaddedweight. CHECKBOOKOnebookthatalwayshasasadending

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CHESTOFDRAWERSMaryMargaretDavisoftheElPasoTimessaidshewasfourteenyearsoldbeforesheknewchestofdrawerswasnotjusttwowords,as in"chesterdrawers." CHICAGOShacargotoalotofcountryfolks CHICKENFRIEDSTEAK,GOODSeeFriedChicken,Good CHICKENRIBMEATHarrikin CHICKENYardbirdthedifferencebetweenchickensandpeopleisthatchickenssitandlaywhilepeoplesitandlie CHICKENFRIEDSTEAKSimplyCFSinmostcountrycafes CHIGGERSRedbugs CHILDTricyclemotor CHILD,ARROGANTSnotnosedkid CHILD,INQUISITIVEHecouldtakeapartaballbearing(orpetrock). CHILD,MEANHe'stheonlyhellhismammaeverraisedandtheworstcrophisdaddyeverplantedhe'ssomeanhismammausedtowashhimbycarryin'him downtothecreekandbeatin'himonarock. CHILD,SMALLNobiggerthananuppin'stone.Anuppin'stonewasasmallblockusedbyproperladiestomountupintoasidesaddle. CHILD,UNAMBITIOUSWhenhewasyoungtheonlythinghewantedtobewasaninvalid. CHILD,YOUNGWhistlebritchesonethingthatwillalwayshavetobewashedbyhand CHILDHOODWhenthebabygrowsfromanarmfultoahandfulSeealsoBabyGrowthChart CHILDISHHewearsdiaperpinsinhisBVDs.SeealsoActingChildish CHILDRENWhenfriendscomeover,don'tbragaboutyourchildren.Iftheirsaresmarter,you'llbeembarrassed.Ifyoursaresmarter,theywon'tbeimpressed. Whenchildrenareyoungtheysteponyourtoes,whenoldtheysteponyourheart. CHILDREN,WORTHLESSTheirmothershouldhavestayedavirgin,whichishowLillianCarter,

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motherofJimmyandBilly,oncedescribedherselftheirmotherhastogotoPTAmeetingsunderanassumedname CHILI,GOODAccordingtosomeknowledgeableTexaschiliheads,thechiliain'tnogoodatallifitdon'tmakeyourearsringandyournoserun.SeeFried Chicken,Good CHILI,HOTYouhavetokeepitintherefrigeratortokeepfromburningdownthehouseyoucoulduseittoloosenboltsasamouthfullofredantsifyoudrop someonyourshirt,it'llcauterizeyourbellybuttonSamRayburn,thelongtimeSpeakeroftheHouse,wasonceaskedwhyheneverwenttosocietydinnersin Washington.Hereplied,'"Causetheyneverservechili."WillRogerssaidTexaschiliwasa"bowlofblessedness." CHILI,MILDFlameretardantchili CHIROPRACTORAlignmentspecialist CHIVALROUSHepicksupawoman'sdroppedhankyevenwhensheain'tpretty.SeealsoGentleman CHOICE,DIFFICULTThehornsofadilemmaasin"I'monthehornsofadilemmatryin'todecideifIoughttotakeBettySueorBobbyLutothedance." CHORE,BIGYougotabiggardenandadullhoe. CHURCHAgospelmillordoxologyworks,accordingtoMarkTwain CHURCHGOER,INFREQUENTHe'sanicecreamChristian,whichmeansinthesummerwhentheweathergetshot,hisdesiretogotochurchmeltsasfastas icecreaminacone. CHURCH,SMALLTheypassasaucerinsteadofaplate. CIGARETTEArolloftobaccowithfireatoneendandafoolattheother. CITYBOYRaisedonconcrete CITYBOY,STUPIDHewouldn'tknowhewasinsnakecountryuntilhehadonehookedonhislegbythefangshethinksalongneckisawhoopingcranehe don'tknowthedifferencebetweenChablisandCharolais

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CLARIFYSandthroughthevarnishandgetdowntothewoodputalittlemorebutteronthatbiscuit CLASSJerryJonesoftheDallasCowboyssaidclassisgettingupoffyourkneeswhenyou'vebeenknockeddown.Judgingfromthereceptionhegotwhenhefired TomLandry,heoughttoknow. CLASSREUNIONAliar'sconventionwhereeveryonegetstogethertoseewhoisfallingapart CLAWSPawfangs CLEANAsanoldmaid'sunderwear.Thelastthinganyoldmaidwouldwantwouldbetogetcaughtwithdirtyunderwearifshehadtogotothehospital.Also, cleanasanewbarn.Itisascientificfactthattheonlytimeabarnisreallyiscleaniswhenit'sbrandnewandunoccupied. CLEANLIVINGYououghttoliveyourlifesoyouwouldn'thavetoworryiftheFBItapedyourphonelineandthenplayedthetapesinchurch. CLEANSHAVENBaldfacednekkedfaced CLEANUPYOURACTIfyoucan'trepentyoucanquitsinning. CLINGSLikeadirtdauber'snesttothesideofabarn CLOCK,OLDThatclockissooldtheshadowofthependulumhaswornaholethroughthebackofthecase. CLOSESeeNearby CLOSEATHANDIfithadbeenasnakeitwouldabityou. CLOSECALLThatbulletwentbycloseenoughtoraiseablisterthatmissedmebyacathairIcomewithinapegofgettinghit.Pegcomesfromoldtimedry goodstoreswhereyardgoodsweremeasuredbypegsonacounterthatwereoneinchapart.Icomewithinalashofwinning.Lashisshortforeyelashhealmost gotthedollarknife.Intheoldcountrycarnivals,apocketknifeworthaboutadollarwasoftenthebestprize.Ofcourse,closeonlycountsinhorseshoes,hand grenades,anddancing. CLOSETOTHEGROUNDHecouldtripatumblebug.Anysmallinsectmaybesubstituted.

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CLOSETOGETHERAstwofleasonafrozendog CLOSEDLikeasavingsandloan CLOTHESThewifethatdressestopleaseherhusbandwillwearlastyear'sclothestworeasonsawifewon'twearlastyear'sclothes:shedoesn'twanttoandshe can't CLOTHES,FANCYAbibandtuckeroutfithe'sdresseduplikeaNewOrleanspimp CLOTHES,SKIMPYShewearsbarbedwireclothes,whichmeanstheyprotectthepropertywithoutobstructingtheviewshewearsdressesthatstartlateand endearlyshewearslessinpublicthangrandmadidinbedSeealsoDress,Skimpy CLOTHES,TIGHTHerclothesweretighterthanafirstdaybride's.SeealsoJeans,Tight CLOTHESDON'TMAKETHEMANItdon'tmatterifyouwearboxershortsorbriefs,it'swhatinthemthatcounts. CLOUDBURSTSeeRain,Heavy CLOUDYClabberedskiesnotenoughsuntowarmababyrattlesnake CLUMSYHe'slikeabig,friendlydoginasmallroomeverytimehewagshistailhebreakssomethinghecouldgetthrownbyastickhorse COCACOLA(Cocola) COCKROACHESSeeRoaches,Large COFFEEBreakfluidtankwatercoaloilorcoalsqueezin'sanexperiencedcountryboyknowsnottoeverwashthecoffeemug'causeitruinsthetaste COFFEE,DECAFINATEDUnleaded COFFEE,STRONGRangecoffeeit'llgrowhaironyourtoenails(orsaddlehorn)youcouldn'tdriveanailintoityoucouldn'tstiritwithasticksostrongyou coulduseittostopleaksinyourradiator COFFEE,THICKYoudon'ttakeadrinkofit,youtakeabiteofittoothicktodrinkandtoothintoplow COFFEE,WEAKTowncoffeehastohavehelptogetoutofthepotaspoonwon'tevenstandupstraight

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inititwon'tfloatahorseshoemuchlessanironwedge COFFEEWITHCREAMBlondecoffee COFFEEDRINKER,AVIDHe'dwalkbarefootedthroughamilelongcactuspatchforacupofcoffeehe'drasslethedevilhimselfforonemorecupifhedied he'dgotohellifthatwastheonlyplacetheyservedcoffee.Note,thesesayingscanalsobeusedtodescribedanavidbeerdrinkeroranavidDrPepperdrinker. COLD(ILLNESS)Noserunnersomepeoplestarveacold,somepeoplefeedacold,butalotofothersfollowtheJackDanielstheoryandtrytodrownit COLD(WEATHER)Itwassocoldmyteethchatteredandtheywereinajaronthedresseritwassocoldthetobaccochewerswerespittin'brownicecubesit wassocoldthatfourbelownolongerreferredtocowsitwastoocoldtocoughtheonlyplaceyoucouldgetwarmwasonthefrontrowofchurchwhenthe preacherwastalkingabouttheflamesofhell(orpeopleweregoingtochurchjusttohearabouttheflamesofhell)itwassocold,thehogshadtoeatslopthrougha straw'causetheirjawswerefrozenshutitwassocoldthelawyerswerestandingaroundwiththeirhandsintheirownpocketsmyteethwerechatteringlikedicein acrapgame COLDASAnexwife's(orexhusband's)heartawartonaMontanawelldigger'snoseasamotherinlaw's,stepmother's,orwitch'skissasapossumina deepfreezeamarbleheadstoneinJanuaryaniceman'sshoulderWonderWoman'sbraasshearedsheepinasnowstormasanouthouseonaniceberg COLDBLOODEDPERSONYou'dgetfrostbiteonyourfingersifyoutookhispulse. COLDENOUGHTOFreezetheballsoffabilliardtabletofreezeboilingwatersofastit'llmakewarmicecubes COLORADOTheKoolAidstate,referringtoCoorsbeerbeingcalledColoradoKoolAid COMBINATION,DEADLYAdoityourselfmanmarried

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toawhenareyougonnadoitwoman COMEBACKYa'llcomebacknow,ya'hear. COMFORTABLEAsawarmbedonacoldmorningasapairofoldbootsthatknowyourfeet COMINGOFAGEIt'sstruttin'andgobblin'time. COMMITMENTSamRayburnsaid,''Nevercommityourselfuntilyouaresure,andonceyougiveyourwordkeepit." COMMITMENT,LACKINGHejustwon'tstayhitched. COMMITTEE,SMALLApulpitcommittee,whichisgenerallyasmallcommitteeinchargeofhirin'andfirin'preachers. COMMITTEDHe'sboundanddeterminedthedifferencebetweenbeingtotallycommittedandjustinvolvedisthedifferencebetweenhavingbaconandeggsfor breakfast.Thechickenthatprovidedtheeggisinvolved,thepigistotallycommitted. COMMONASPigtracksinabarnyardascowchipsinapastureasbrokendreamsinHollywood COMMONKNOWLEDGEEventhechickensundertheporchknowthat. COMMONSENSEHorsesensehavingalotofhorsesensedoesn'tkeepamanfromactinglikeajackassSamRayburnsaid,"Havinggood,commonsense ain'tenough.Youhavetoexerciseit." COMPTIMESwapwork COMPANY,LARGEIttakesaweekandahalfforgossiptotravelfromoneendtotheother. COMPLACENTYounevermissthewatertillthewellrunsdry. COMPLAINYouhaveheardtheoldsaying,IusedtocomplainabouthavingnoshoesuntilIsawthemanwithnofeet.Adifferentversionis,Iusedtocomplain aboutafloodedbasementtillIsawamanwithafloodedattic. COMPLAINERHe'dcomplainabouttheserviceinaselfservicecafe. COMPLICATIONThatmakesthecheesemorebindingthatwokeupthe

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Indiansthebacklogwentplumbout.Backlog,inthiscase,referstothelargelogusedinkitchenfireplacesbeforestoveswerecommoninthecountry.Abiglogwas placedatthebackofthestoveanditusuallyburnedallnight,providingflamesforcookingandheatforsleeping.Thebacklogwouldsmolderallnightandevenifit burnedupcompletely,therewouldalwaysbeenoughemberstostartafirethenextmorning.Sincematcheswereusuallyinshortsupplyinthosedays,ifthebacklog wentcompletelyoutandleftnoembers,itwasamajorcomplication. COMPOSEDHe'sascoolasthecenterseedinacucumber.SeealsoKeepYourComposure COMPROMISEAimhighandsettle. CONCEITPulpsyouupbutitdon'tpropyouup CONCEITEDWhenhegoestoadoctor,heinsistsonhavinghisxraysretouchedhesuffersfrom"I"strainhejoinedthenavysotheworldcouldseehim CONDOMINIUMYuppiecage CONFESSEDFessedup,asin"Hefesseduptopaintin'thosecusswordsonthesideofschool." CONFIDENCE,LARGEHe'dsignupforafiddlecontestandstartlearnin'howtoplayashewalkedoutonthestage. CONFRONTATIONAsetto,asin"BlackieandBillyJackhadarealsettoandthebloodwasflowinglikebeerfromabustedbarrel." CONFUSEDASAmosquitoinanudistcolony(heknowswhattodobuthedoesn'tknowwheretostart)asaroostercrowin'tothegroundasamouseina mazeasElizabethTaylor'sringfingerasafishonastringerSeealsoMassConfusion CONFUSINGSITUATIONConfusionreignedlikemanureatahorseshow. CONGRESSIslikeacountryfair,nothinggetsmoreattentionthanthebull. CONSCIENCEIslikeanoldtoothlesshounddog,itmightnotbiteyoubutyoucan'tkeepitfrombarkingislikeababy,ithastogotosleepbeforeyoudo somethingthatworksbestwhenyou'rebeingwatched

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conscienceissomethingthatcan'tbecleanedwithdetergent CONSCIENCE,LACKINGHedon'thaveanymoreconsciencethanacowinastampedehe'sgotabouthalfasmuchconscienceasatomcat CONSERVATIVELikeanoldcow,hechewsmorethanhebitesoff. CONSIDERATEHeholdsthedooropenwhenhiswifecarriesinthegroceries. CONSPICUOUSASBalletshoesonabaymareasapimpleonacheerleader'snoseasarustylinkinachromechain,whichistheonlylinkthatgetsnoticed CONSULTANTSomeoneyouhiretotellyouwhatyoualreadytoknowsomeonewho'llborrowyourwatchtotellyouwhattimeitis CONTENTEDAsahoginmudasanolddognexttoawarmfire CONTRARYHe'ssocontrary,ifhefallsinariveranddrowns,lookforthebodyupstream. CONTRIBUTION,POORShecontributedaboutasmuchasonepoorpulletwouldtoatrainloadofhungrytroops. CONTROLYOURSELFPutagovernoronyourcarburetortightenyourreins CONTROVERSY,NONVIOLENTAcussingorspittin'match CONVENIENTMighty(orpowerful)handyasin"Apocketonashirtismightyhandy." COOKDoughpuncherbeanmasheraCajuncookisaflamethrower'causeeverythinghepreparescomesoutblackened COOK,INEPTShetriedtosmokeaturkeybutthebirdwouldn'tstaylitittakesheranhourtocookminutericewhenshetookhomemakingclassesinschool, shedroppedoutaftertheycoveredthawingshecan'topenanegg'causeitdon'thavenopulltabshecouldn'tcutwarmbutterwithahotbutcherknife COOK,INEXPERIENCEDShecookspeaandturnipsinthesamepotwherethere'ssmoke,she'scookingwhenshecooksbananapuddingshedon'tpeelthe bananas

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ifitwasn'tforpepperandketchup,we'dstarve COOK,POORHercookingwouldgagaswordswalloweryoucantastefeathersinherchickenfriedsteakthebestthingshemakesfordinnerisreservations shecanscorchwatertryingtoboilityoucoulduseoneofherpancakestopatchaninnertubefliescommitsuicideinherkitchenshegavesomescrapstoastray doganditparalyzedhimyoucouldbreakatoothonherJellOifyouaskhertoaparty,havesomeoneelsemakethedipherpancakesaresothintheyonlyhave onesideshehasUFOsinherkitchen,unidentifiedfryingobjects COOKIES,GOODThey'dmakeyouhityourgrandmothertogetanotherone COOLAstheothersideofthepillow COOLHEADAcoolheadmaykeepyououtoftroublebutcoldfeetworkmuchbetter. COOPERATIONWeallcan'tplaythesameinstrumentbutweallcanplayinthesamekeywedon'tallhavethesamevoicebutweallsingthesamesong COOPERATIVEEFFORTAloadismuchlighterwithseveralmulescarryin'it. COPPERHEADSNAKEDiamondmouthcopperback COPULATIONMattressthrashin'legrasslin' CORNONTHECOBRoastin'ears CORNBREADArkansasweddingcake CORNEREDYou'relikeafroginablender,yougotnowheretoturnto. CORRECTYou'remightyshoutin'right.SeealsoYes CORRECTIVEACTIONYoubetterputsomeoilonthosetroubledwaters,whichisareferencetooldtimesailorsbelievingthatspillingoilonroughseawould calmthewater. COSMETICSChemicalwarfarewifepreserver COTTON,POORBumblebeecotton,whichiscottonthatissolowabeecanstandonthegroundtosuckablossom COUNTERFEIT,POORQUALITYCouldn'tfoolablindman COUNTRYBOYRedneckBubbahewearsboots

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becauseofhisrootshewentbarefootedsolongthatwhenhefinallydidgetapairofshoeshewore'emoutfromtheinside"Whensomeonesayshe'sjusta countryboy,youbetterkeepyourhandonyourpocketbook,"saidLyndonJohnson.Whathemeantwas,just'causesomeoneisacountryboy,don'tassumehe'sa countrybumkin. COUNTRYBOY,DRESSEDUPYoucanseethehangercreasesinhissuit,whichmeanscountryfolksdon'tcaretowearsuitsunlesstheyhaveto,suchastoa marryin'orburyin.' COUNTRYBOY,SMARTHemaynoteatpossum,coon,armadillo,orjackrabbitbutheknowswheretofind'emifanotherDepressionbreaksout. COUNTRYGIRLRedneckgirlheaveninbluejeans COURAGEHe'sgotgritinhiscrawitdon'ttakenodoctortocurecoldfeetsomethingyouhavetillyouneeditbravemendon'tadmitcourage,cowardsdon't admitfear COURT,CROWDEDOverdueprocessoflaw COURTHOUSEBENCH(ORSTEPS)Liars'bench,whichisareferencetotheoldtimerswhodon'thavemuchtodobutsitonabenchdownatthecourthouse andtellliesallday. COURTINGIslikedying,yougottodoityourself COURTSHIPAmanchasingawomantillshecatcheshimthetimewhenayoungladytriestodecideifshecandobetter COVEREDLikeawallunderafreshcoatofpaint COWARDTheonlytimehe'llstandhisgroundisifhe'sburiedstandin'upoldfeatherlegs,whichmeansheisn'tworthmuchinafight.Thetermcomesfrom cockfightingwherebirdswithlotsoffeathersontheirlegsareusuallynotfiercefighters.hehasthegutsoftheskeletonhewon'twearcontactlenses'causenoone wouldknowhewaswearingglasseshe'safraidtokilltimeelectricsockscouldn'twarmuphiscoldfeetsomeonewhothinkswithhisfeetwhendangercomes callingifyouseeacowardwithagun,makeyourselfscarce

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COWARDICEThemanwithoutcouragebetterhaveafasthorseorfastlegsorboth. COWARDICECUREIfyourkneesstartknockin,'kneelon'em. COWBOYSomeonewhoispaidtooutthinkacowanycowboythatclaimsheain'tbeenthrowedisaliar COWBOY,GOODWhenhe'sindoubt,heletshishorsedothethinking. COWBOY,OLDAcowboywhohandsoutgoodadvice'causehe'stoooldtosetabadexample. COWBOY,POORHelethisalligatormouthoverloadhisjaybirdcowboyabilityhe'drideasorebackedhorsetheonlyreasonhisspursarerustyis'causehe wears'emintheshower COWBOY,SISSYHedon'tridehorses'causesaddlesdon'tcomewithsafetybelts. CRACKEDOPENLikeanegglaidbyatallchicken CRAYFISHEastTexasorLouisianalobsters CRAZYHisgenesarelooseheain'tparkedtooclosetothecurbhe'safewfishshortofhavingafullstringerhe'safewpicklesshyofafullbarrelhe'safew peachesshortofafullbushelthere'safewspokesmissingfromhiswheelhisbiscuitisalittleshortofbakingpowderoneofhistiresisoutofbalancehis elevatordon'tstopatallthefloorshedon'thavebothoarsinthewaterhe'scrazyandIcanproveit.HelivesinNewYorkCityandhelikesit.SeealsoIdiot, StrangePerson CRAZYASAbullbat.Ofteninthelateafternoonthebullbatsflyinvariousdirectionsgivingtheimpressiontheyarecrazy,whichtheymayverywellbeasagoatat matingtimeasanouthouseratasaroadlizardasaMarchhare CREEK,FLOODEDThewaterinthecreekgotsohighyouhadtolookuptoseethebottom,oryoucouldseeunderit,bothofwhichimplyyouwereunderwater. SeealsoWater,Deep CREDITCARDAplasticmugger CREDIT,BADHecan'tevenborrowtrouble. CREDIT,MISAPPLIEDLightningdoesthework,thundergetsthecredit.

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CRIMESomethingthatdoesnotpayunlessyou'reatelevisionwriterifpeoplefoughtcrimeasmuchastheyfightsin,thiswouldbeparadise CRIME,SMALLChickenlarceny CRITICISMIslikedynamite,itoughttobehandledbyexpertsremember,criticizinganeggisaloteasierthanlayingone CROOKHeknowshisrightsbetterthanhiswrongs.SeealsoThief CROOK,STUPIDHeheldupapostofficeandthentriedtopayhislawyerinstampshetriedtoholdupasavingsandloancompanywithaguninsteadofgettin'a jobthere CROOKEDHecouldsleepintheshadowofapostholeaugerasasnakeinacactuspatch CROSSEYEDGotcheyedshewassocrosseyed,whenshecriedthetearsrolleddownherbackshewassocrosseyedthathereyeballscouldswapsockets hecouldwatchatennismatchwithoutmovinghishead CROWDEDTherewasmorepeopletherethantherewasrednecksatthelastwhitesocksale.Alotofgoodol'boyswhohavetoworkforalivingliketowear whitesocksundertheirlaceupworkbootssotheyreallyturnoutforasale.everyoneinthezipcodewasthereyouhavetositonyourfistanduseyourthumbfor abackrestifyouwanttositdown CRYSpillsometears CRYALOTSheshedenoughtearstoshortoutthejukeboxinahonkytonkshecriedmorethantheonionchopperinaCajunrestaurantshecriedenoughtofill anumberthreewashtub(orarainbarrel)shewasputtingoutmorewaterthanapatiofountain CUPBOARDKitchensafe CUPIDGeorgeFarquharsaiditbestwhenhedescribedCupidas"ablindgunner." CUREThat'llcureitassureasaneggshellfullofredpepperwillcureadogfromsuckin'eggs. CURIOUSHecametotowntoseethefatlady,whichisareferencetothetraveling

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carnivalshowsthatmaderegularstopsincountrytowns.Thecarnivalalwaysincluded,amongotheroddities,afatwomananditseemsthecountryboyswerealways curioustoseejusthowfatshewas. CURIOUSASAkitteninanewroomasacalfinanewpasture CURLINGIRONBeaucatcher CURSE,COUNTRYSTYLEI'llseeyouinhellplowingbehindablindmuleinhardground. CUSSESALOTHecancussagateoffitshinges,awheeloffawagon,orthefeathersoffabuzzardhecancussbaconintoasizzlenomatterhowmuchhe cusses,remembertheonlytimecusswordswillblackenyoureyeiswhenthey'reattachedtoafist CUTDOWNLikesummerwheat CUTUPSeeBloodyandKnifeFightVictim CUTTINGHORSE,GOODCouldcuttheseedsoutofawatermelonandnotbreaktherindcouldcutfleasoffamongreldog CUTTINGTORCHBluetipwrench CYNICHeknowseverythingbutdon'tbelieveanything.

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D DUMBhedon'thavethesensetobringinhisheadbeforehebringsdownthewindow

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D
DADGUMITdamgotit DAIRYFARMEROweseverythinghehastoudders DAMNDayum,asin"Franklymaydear,Idon'tgiveadayum." DANCE,ENTICINGShe'sshowin'herlinen,whichmeanspartsofherundergarmentsareshowingwhileshemovesonthedancefloor. DANCER,GOODHecandancetothenationalanthemhelikestodancesomuchhe'ddancebarefootinathistlepatch DANCER,LARGEHelookslikeawaltzingrhino. DANCINGAcontactsporthograsslin'thedifferencebetweenrasslinganddancingisthatsomeholdsarebarredinrassling DANCINGAROUNDLikeadrunkspider.Thisisanoldcountrysayingandyetyearsofresearchhavefailedtouncoverasinglepersonwhowilladmittoactually havingeverseenadrunkspider. DANCINGCLOSEIfyouholdthatgirlanycloseryou'llbebehindher. DANCINGWITHANUGLYMANShe'srasslin'ahog. DANCINGWITHANUGLYWOMANHe'srasslin'apig. DANGEROUSASWalkingintoalion'scagewithapocketfullofporkchopsasacopperheadunderyourcomforter,whichmeanswhenyoucrawlintobed you'vegotmorecompanythanyouwantasacockroachinthecontrolpanelofanuclearpowerplantasridingtheNewYorksubwaynaked(orwithyourclothes on)astryin'toputyourfootdownwhileit'sinyourmouthassleepinginawaterbedwithlongtoenailsasplayingwithacockedcannonasawalkingrockeron ahighporch.Awalkingrockerisonethatmovesjustasmidgen(littlebit)eachtimeyourockback

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andforth.Ifsucharockerhappenedtobeoutontheporchandyouhappenedtobeinitandnotpayingattention,youmightjust''walk"rightofftheporchandbreak somethingyoudon'twantbroke.SeealsoRisky DANGEROUSSITUATIONYou'dbebetteroffsittin'intheelectricchairandprayin'forapowerfailureyougotablackwidowinyourbootyou'recourtin'the sheriff'sdaughteryou'reskatingonwarmice,whichisjustacoupleofshadesmoredangerousthanskatingonthiniceyou'rewalkin'underaFerriswheel.Inthe earlypartsofthe20thcentury,abouttheonlytimecountyfolkshadanyrealfunwaswhentheywenttothelocalcountyfair,whichalmostalwaysincludedsomesort ofFerriswheel.Therideswereexcitingbuttherewasaproblem.Alotofcountryboyschewedtobaccoallthetime,evenwhenonaride.Now,iftheyhappenedto benearthetopoftheFerriswheelwhentheyneededtospit,whichwasoftenthecase,theynaturallyjustspitoutthesideofthegondola.Well,ifyouhappenedtobe walkingunderneath,yougotsplattered. DARINGHe'sgotgritinhisgizzardandsandinhiscraw. DARKYoucouldn'tseeyourfaceinfrontofyouitwassodark,ifyoustruckamatchyou'dhavetoturnonaflashlighttoseeifthematchwasstilllititwasas darkasitwouldhavebeentoablindfleaonablackcatunderabushelofwetcharcoal DARKASTheinsideofaboottheinsideofacow(orblackbear)awolf'smouth DARKNIGHTItwassuchadarknight,theraindropshadtoaskdirectionstofindthegrounditwassodarkthebatsstayedhome DAY,GOODAnydaythatyouwakeupwithapulseisagoodday.Anoldtimeronceremarkedthateverydaywhenhewokeup,thefirstthinghedidwascheck theobituariestoseeifhisnamewaslisted.Ifitwasn't,heknewitwouldbeagoodday.Thatsamemanalsowonderedhowpeoplemanagetodieinalphabetical order. DEADASAwoodenIndianasardineinacanaflyinmolassesabearthat'saruginfrontofthefireplace

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DEADLYCOMBINATIONAjealoushusbandandanactiveimagination DEATHTheonlyknowncureforbirth DEBTTheonlythingyoucanacquirewithoutmoney DEBT,BADYouain'tnevergonnaseepennyoneofwhatheowesyou. DECEIVINGGibLewissaidofchangingtheTexasconstitution:"It'soneofthosethingsthatsoundsgoodandtastesbad." DECEPTIONHepissedinmybootsandtoldmeiswasrainwater. DECORATOR,POORIfshe'dbeenaconsultantatthecreation,we'dhaveredgrassandpasteltrees. DEDICATEDHelikeshisjobasmuchasachickenlikesworkingwitheggs. DEFENDER,STAUNCHHe'dstandinthehedgeandtakeupthegap,whichishowTexanLeonJaworskiwasdescribedinaeulogyafterhisdeath. DELICATEAsfrostonamoonbeam DELICIOUSPuredeegoodeatin'chinlickin'goodSeealsoTaste,Good DELICIOUSLOOKINGLookstastyasaspittedchicken. DEMOCRATWillRogers,oneofthefavoritesonsofOklahoma,oncesaid,"Iamnotamemberofanyorganizedpoliticalparty.IamaDemocrat."Accordingto theoldcountrysaying,notallDemocratsarehorsethieves,butallhorsethievesareDemocrats. DEMOCRAT,DEVOUTYellowdogDemocrat,whichmeanshe'llvotethestraightDemocraticticketevenifthereisayellowdogontheballot. DENIALJamesB.McSheehyoncesaid,"Idenytheallegationsanddefythealligator." DEPRESSEDHe'sinlowcotton,whichistheoppositeofsomeonedoingwellbeinginhighortallcotton. DEPRESSIONWhenthepoorhousegoesbankrupt DEPUTY(Deppity) DESIRABLEI'dliketohavethatasmuchasanoldmaidwouldliketohaveaMrs.onhertombstoneI'd

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givemywarpensionforitI'dgivemyringfingeruptothesecondknuckleforthatthat'sworthridingthroughblistersfor.Ifyoustartridingandgetablister,the naturalinclinationistostop.Ifyoukeepridingrightthroughtheblisters,youmustbeaftersomethingverydesirable. DESK,LARGEYou'dhavetobeadistancerunnertochaseasecretaryaroundthatsuckerlookslikethedeckofanaircraftcarrier DESPERATEYou'rehuntin'hungry.Ifyougohuntingwhenyou'rehungry,you'lltendtoshootatanythingandtakechancesyoumightnototherwisetakewhen yougotnothingtolose,tryanything DESPERATIONAdrowningmanwillgrabatasword. DESTITUTEI'msobadoffIcouldn'tbuyapairofpantsforapissantIhadtofasttwicelastweektokeepfromstarvingtodeathIain'tgotapottopeeinora bedtoslideitunderSeealsoBroke DETERMINETHELOSERFigureoutwhosetraingotrobbed DETERMINEDDeadsetonI'mgonnadoit,comehellorhighwaterI'lldoitbyhookorbycrookI'mgonnadothatevenifitharelipseverycannibalinthe Congo,everymuleinMissouri,everyIndianinOklahoma,everygoatinArkansas,everyprettygirlinTexas,oreverycooninLouisiana.Takeyourpick.Davy Crockettsaid,"I'mdeterminedtostanduptomylicklog,saltornosalt." DETROIT(DEEtroit) DIAMONDAhunkofcoalthatmadegoodmostgirlswilltellyouthattheonlythingharderthanadiamondisgettingone DIARRHEAThegreenapplenastiestheMexicanwatertrotorMexicantwostepArkansastravelsthebackdoortrots,whichobviouslyisareferenceto trottingoutthebackdoorandheadingtotheouthouseinahurry DIDTHEIMPOSSIBLEHecaughtlightninginabottle. DIDYOUEVER(Jevver),pronouncedasoneword DIEDHeropedacloudandrodeofftothegreatbeyondthefirewentoutinhis

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boilerorhispilotlightwentout DIETAwomanwillgotoanylengthtochangeherwidth. DIFFERENTAsnightanddayassnakesandsnails DIFFERENTSITUATIONThat'sanotherbucketofpossums. DIFFICULTAstryin'tofreezeamusicalnoteaseatin'JellOwithchopsticksaseatin'soupwithaholeinyourspoonasfroggigginginmaplesyrupas chugaluggingahotbeeraspushingnoodlesthroughakeyholeasraisingcorninaconcretefieldastryin'togetadrinkoutofafirehoseasdiggingaditchinthe oceanassneezingwithyoureyesopenastryingtoflyapaperkiteinawhirlwindaspickingupmercurywithapairoftweezersasflaggin'downarunaway freighttrainascatchin'ahouseflyunderateacup(whichusuallyresultsonlyinabrokenteacup)asshootingpoolwithacalfropeaspickingratdroppingsoutof apeppermillasgettingaHerefordcowoutofquicksandastryin'tostrikeawetmatchasputtin'socksonaroosterastryin'tooutrunabullinafreshplowed fieldastryingtoswimupawaterfallasshovingmeltedbutterupabobcat'sbehindwithaknittingneedlethat'sahardcroptoplant(orgrow) DIFFICULTSITUATIONYou'reonapantyraidintheathleticdormyou'reswimmin'upstreamblindfoldedhe'sstarvingtodeathinthelandofplentyThere are,ofcourse,manydifficultsituationsbutthemostdifficultIeverheardaboutwastheol'boywhosewifecaughthimcheatingonher.Whenhewenttosleep,shegot acoupleoftubesofsuperglueandfastenedhisprivatepartstohisleg.Laterthatnightwhenherhusbandgotuptogotothebathroomhefoundoutrealquickthathe wastrulyinadifficultsituation. DIFFICULT,SOMEWHATIt'sjustalittlehardertomakeabankeroutofahorsethiefthanitistomakeahorsethiefoutofabanker. DIFFICULTTOOPENNothingishardertoopenthanaclosedmind. DIGNITYOnethingthatcannotbepreservedinalcohol

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DILEMMAWhetheryoudiefromthechillsorthefever,you'restilldead. DIMWITHiscoilain'twrappedtootightshetookanumbrellatoababyshowerifhewenttoamindreader,he'donlybechargedhalfpricetheonlytimehe reallyknowswhereheisgoingiswhenhetakescastoroilhehasthementalrangeofawindshieldwiperyoucouldpullaslowoneonhimhisroofain'tnailedon tootight(orisshortafewshingles)thereain'tnolightoninhisatticifbrainsweredynamitehecouldn'tblowhisnoseifheknewhalfofwhathethinksheknows he'dbedangerousheundertakesvastprojectswithhalfvastideas DINNERCALLComeandgetitbeforethegreasesets. DIPLOMACYLyinginstatetheabilitytodiveintoacesspoolandnotmakeasplashtheartofsayingthingsinsuchawaythatnooneknowswhatyousaid DIPLOMATCanputallhiscardsonthetablewithoutshowinghishandcanmakehiswifebelieveshe'dlookfatinaminkcoathecantellyoutogotohelland makeyoulookforwardtothetripheremembersalady'sbirthdaybutforgetsheragehecanletyoudoallthetalkin'whilehegetswhathewants DIRECTION"Toknowwherewearegoing,it'simportanttoknowwherewehavebeen,"saidSamRayburn. DIRTROADSeeRoad,Dirt DIRTYAsanIndian'shorseblanketinadrought.TheimplicationhereisthattheonlytimeanIndian'shorseblanketgotwashedwaswhenitrained. DISADVANTAGEJimReevesoftheFortWorthStarTelegramsaidJimmyJohnson,coachoftheDallasCowboys,was"workingwithashortstick"which meanthewasatadisadvantage.Aftergoing1and15hisfirstyear,Johnsonactuallydidn'thavemuchofastickatallweweren'tplayingonalevelfield.Thiscomes fromtheworldoffootball.Ifafootballfieldwasnotlevel,thetheoryisthatwhoeverhadthelowerendmostofthetimewouldbeatadisadvantagebecausethey wouldbeplayinguphillmostofthetime.Althoughthissayingisgenerallyusedbythelosing

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team,itcouldalsobeusedbythewinningteamtomeanadvantage,suchasthecaseofabigunderdogpullingamajorupsetfornoapparentreason.Inthe1960 BluebonnetBowl,Clemsondefeatedamuchlarger,muchheavier,highlyfavoredteamfromTexasChristianUniversity.Followingthegame,Clemson'sFrank Howardexplained,"Thoseotherboysweresobigtheytiltedthefieldandwewereabletoplaydownhillalltheway." DISADVANTAGEDAcatwearinggloveswon'tcatchanymice. DISAPPEAREDFasterthanaplateoffriedchickenwhenthepreachercomesoverforSundaydinnerlikeashortbeerhe'sgotthecoonandgone DISAPPEAREDSUDDENLYAbsquatulated.Thisterm,usedbycountryfolksupuntilabouttheturnofthecentury,hasbecomearchaicbutitistoogoodaword tobetotallyforgotten.Ifyoucanfindawaytoworkitintoaconversationyouhaveawholestorytotell. DISASTER,EMINENTThefiringsquadisoilingtheirguns. DISCOURAGINGAssmellingwhiskeythroughthejailhousedoorasthebottomcheckfallin'intothewell.Abottomcheckisusedtodeterminehowdeepyou've dugandifithappenstofallintothewell,youhavetostoptofishitoutbeforeyoucanproceed,whichis,toawelldigger,verydiscouraging. DISGRACEHesteppedinthesamecowpattytwice. DISHTOWELCuptowel DISLIKEIlikethataboutasmuchasaVietnamwarvetlikesJaneFondaIneverlikedyouandIalwayswill DISMISSShow'erathegate. DISORGANIZEDHebouncesaroundlikeapecaninanemptywagon. DISORIENTEDAddledasagooseinahailstorm DISPERSEDThehogsscatteredeverwhichaway. DISQUALIFIEDYougotbothhandsontherigging.Inrodeoeventssuchasbroncandbullriding,thecowboymustkeeponehandfreeatalltimes.Ifhetouches therigging(orthehorse)withhisfreehand,heisdisqualified.

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DISTANCE,LONGThat'sfoursightsdowntheroadfartherawaythanyoucanpointtwoorthreepointin'saway DISTANCE,SHORTIt'sjustaroosterstepaway.Aroosterstepisanindefinitemeasureofdistancethatwouldbeshorttoapersonbutmightbelongtoarooster. DISTANTNothingismoredistantthanarelativewithmoney. DISTRACTINGAsaswarmofgnats.Whenthesmallinsectsgettoswarming,theyhavebeenknowntostopbaseballgames,preventmarriages,andprovide drunkswithsomesolidfood. DISTURBEDSomeonerattledhiscage. DISTURBINGSITUATIONThatliketokilledmysoul. DIVERSIONSomebodykillaskunk.Thetheoryisthatadeadskunkwillstinkuptheplacesomuchthateveryone'sattentionwillbediverted. DIVORCEHolydeadlockthepasttenseofmarriagemakesstrangersofbedfellowsmatrimonialrecycling DIVORCEDCOUPLETheyfoundouttheyweren'tfittobetiedsotheyuntiedtheknot. DIVORCEDMANAgoneganderthatstillhastosupplycorntothegoose. DIVORCEDWOMANBornagainvirgintheonlysupportshegetsisfromherpantyhoseshefoundouttheknotshetiedwasaslipknotSeealsoChanged Husbands DOITCHEAPPoorboyit DOITQUICKYoubettergetitdoneinonehalflessthannotimeyoubettergetitdoneinlessthantwoshakesofalamb'stail DOITRIGHTYoucan'ttellhowdeepthewellisbymeasuringthepumphandle. DOITRIGHTTHEFIRSTTIMEIfyou'regonnaputahorseinatrailer,youdon'tputhiminonceforpracticeandthentakehimoutforanothertry. DOITYOURSELFThewarmestfireismadefromwoodyoucutyourselfskinyourowngameyougottapickyourownnose

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DOWHATISAYIfyou'lldowhatIsay,you'llbeinlikeaburglar. DOWHATYOUCANIfyoucan'tpreach,youcanpasstheplate. DOWHATYOUWANTIfyou'refeelin'froggy,jumpifyougotanitch,scratchit DOGOODERLivingwithadogooderisaheckofalotharderthanbeingone. DOITYOURSELFER,EXPERTHecouldrepairthecrackofdawn. DOESN'TMATTERTOMEThatdon'tmakemenonevermindthatain'tnoskinoffmybackside(ornose)aslongasIdon'thaveadoginthefightIdon't carewhowins DOG(dawg)Fleacatcheradogisman'sbestfriendbecausehewagshistailratherthanhistongueyoukeepadogbutyouonlyfeedacat,whichmeansadogis faithfulbutacatain't DOG,GOODAcoonwhippin'dog.Ittakesagoodhuntin'dogtogetacoonupatreebutittakesabetterdogtowhipthecoonaclosetracker,whichmeanshe staysonthetrailameatgitter,whichisadogthatwillhunt.Adogthat'llhunthelpsfillthedinnertable,butonethatwon'thuntisjustanothermouthtofeed.Seealso HuntingDog,Good DOG,HARMLESSNevermetamanhedidn'tlick. DOG,LAZYHehastoleanagainstafencetobarkwagshistailupanddown'causeittakeslessenergyhewon'tevenwaghisowntail DOG,SMARTEverydogknowsthedifferencebetweenbeingtrippedoverandkickedatIhaveadogthatissosmartsheknowsdinnerisreadywhenthebell soundsonthemicrowaveoven DOG,STUPIDHecangetlostunderthehouse. DOINGGOODNowyou'recookingwithgasyou'reflyingwiththebigbirds DOINGITWRONGYou'renotholdingyourmouthright,whichisoftensaidtosomeonewhoistryingtodosomethingbutjustcan'tquitegetitright. DOMINOBonerockstonetileseed DOMINOSPOTSPipsdotspoints DON'TARGUEIwon'thearofitasin"Don'teventryto

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payforthebeer'causeIwon'thearofit." DON'TBLAMEMEDon'tlaythatatmydoorstepdon'tputmybrandonthat DON'TBOTHERMEWhydon'tyougocryinonehandandpissintheothertoseewhichonegetsfullfirst? DON'TBRAGLetyourdogdoyourbarking. DON'TCAREMygiveadamnerisbroken. DON'TCRITICIZEYoucan'tslingmud(ormanure)andkeepyourhandsclean. DON'TDELAYPrettygirlsanddeadfishdon'tkeep. DON'TDOITWhydon'tyouquitbeforeyoustart?you'rejustgivingthedevilaclubhecanusetobeatyourbrainsout DON'TKNOWDon'trightlyknowIhavenomoreideathanadeadsnakehasfleas(orthanahogknowswhenit'sTuesday) DON'TLOOKBACKKeepyourfacetothesunshineandyou'llneverseeshadows. DON'TLOOKFORTROUBLEThereisalwayssomeonereadytohelpyouscratchanitchytriggerfinger. DON'TNEEDITIneedthatlikeahenneedssinginglessonsIneedthatlikeafrogneedsafaceliftIneedthatlikeasinkin'shipneedswaterSeealso Unwanted DON'TOVERREACTDon'tuseasledgehammertocrackopenanegg. DON'TTALKBADIfyoushovelmanureuphill,someofit'llrollbackinyourface. DON'TTEMPTHIMIwouldn'tputitpasthimifIwasyou. DON'TUNDERSTANDI'mnotsureIunderstandallIknowaboutthis. DON'TUNDERSTANDFULLYIcansmellthemanurebutIcan'tfindthestockpenIhearthechoirsingin'butIcan'tfindthechurchIcanfeeltheheatbutI can'tseetheflames DON'TWANTTOI'drathereatacoilofbarbedwirethandothatI'drathergetarootcanalthandothatI'dratherhavetwinsthandothatI'dratherkissthe topofyourhindlegthandothatSeealsoIDon'tCareReluctance

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DON'TWORRYAboutthemulegoingblind,justloadthewagon DOOMEDAsacatinhellwithnoclawsyou'reagonegosling DOORTODOORSELLINGTrickortreatpractice DOUBLEJEOPARDYAmotherinlawwithatwinsisteronewomanteachinganotherwomantodrive.Note:Plainol'jeopardywouldbeawomanlearningto drivebyherself. DOUBLETALKDoublespeak DOUBTFULYougotaboutasmuchchanceasthatofacatsittin'onaleakingcanofgasolineinhell.SeealsoChance,Slim DRPEPPERDRINKERSeeCoffeeDrinker,Avid DREAMERRainbowriderifyouwanttomakeyourdreamscometrueyouhavetostayupnights DREAMER,BIGHedreamsintechnicolor. DRESS,SHORTIfshebentoverinthatdressyoucouldseeallthewaytohertonsils. DRESS,SKIMPYApeekabosomdress,whichisonethatisn'tallthereonawomanwhoisthereain'tenoughmaterialinthatdresstokeepatickmousedryin adrizzleherdresswassoskimpythehemlineandthecollarweretouchingshe'swearingaTexasdress,onewithplentyofwideopenspacesherclothes representmoredollarsthansense DRESS,TIGHTSeeSweater,Tight DRESSEDFANCYHelookslikehejuststeppedoutofabandbox DRESSEDUPGussiedupdresseduplikeapoodleinadogshowdressedbetterthanaWallStreetbankeroraPhiladelphialawyerlikeaoneeyedjackof diamonds DRESSES,SLOPPYShewearsherclothesasiftheywerethrownonwithapitchforkshelookslikeshetossedherclothesupintheairandranunderthemhe's afullgrownmess DRINK,PERFECTDaveBrownfieldofGarland,Texasdescribedtheperfectdrinkasonethatlookslikeamugofbeer,smellslikefresh

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coffee,andtasteslikeaDrPepper. DRINKER,HEAVYMustbeaDemocrat'causethereneverhasbeenaRepublicanthatcanholdmorethanapinthehasn'ttouchedasingledropofwhiskey sincehediscoveredthefunnelThelateBobbyLayne,oftheUniversityofTexasandtheDetriotLions,wasanotoriousdrinker.TeammateJimmyOrroncesaid, ''You'llrunintoamillionfanswho'llclaimtheyoncehadadrinkwithBobby,andnoneofthemarelying." DRINKERS'ADVICEIfyoudrinklikeafish,swim,don'tdrive. DRINKINGDon'tdrownyourproblems,itirrigatesthem. DRINKINGANDTALKINGJugin'andjawin' DRINKSALOTHedrinkslikeheinheritedadistillery. DRIVEWITHCARELifehasnospare. DRIVER,POORYoucantellhe/shebelievesinGod(orlifeafterdeath).SeealsoBadDriver DROOLINGYourjawisleaking. DROPPEDLikeyesterday'soatsinahorsecorrallikeabadhabitlikespitoffatallbuilding DROUGHT,SEVEREIfyouputalltherainwe'vehadinthelastthreeyearsinateacup,therewouldn'tbeenoughwaterforafleatoskindivenotonlydidwe havetoplowunderthecotton,wehadtoplowunderthehogsitwassodrywehadtosoakthehogs'headstoget'emtoeatslopthecrowshavetolieontheir backstoeatthecornIhaveathreeyearoldcatfishthatain'tlearnedtoswimSeealsoDryandAridLand DRUNKIfhegotbitbyamosquitoitwoulddieofalcoholpoisoninghedon'thaveenoughbloodinhisalcoholsystemhegotsodrunkhetriedtotakehispants offoverhisheadandmadeithecouldn'tleavethesaloon'causeitwasgettin'toodrunkoutsidehegotsohighhehadtodrinkoveranetifhedied,he'dhaveto soberuptofalloverhegotdizzyafteronedrinkbutcan'trememberifitwashis12thor13thadrunktongueoftentellswhat'sonasobermindSee

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alsoAlcoholicDrunkard,Intoxicated DRUNK,ALMOSTREFORMEDHepromisedtostopdrinkingbutheneverpromisedtostoplyinghereadabouttheevilsofdrinkandquitreading DRUNK,VERYBoozeblindloopleggedkneewalking,commodehuggin'drunkhymnsinging,snotslingin'drunkhe'ssodrunk,ifhediedandwascremated itwouldtaketheundertakerthreedaystoputoutthefirehewassodrunkhegrabbedasnakeandtriedtokillastick DRUNKANDSTUPIDHewantedastiffdrinksoheputstarchinhisbeer. DRUNKCOWBOYHewassodrunkhecouldn'thavefoundacowifshewasinbedwithhim. DRUNKDRIVERHeputsthequartbeforethehearsesomeonewhopreferstodrivetightratherthansittighthehasplentyofhearsepowerhedrivesadrunk car DRUNKVERSUSALCOHOLICThedifferencebetweenadrunkandanalcoholicisthatdrunksdon'thavetogotonomeetingssomeol'drunkscanneverjoin AA'causetheyarealwaystoodrunktomemorizethepledge DRUNKVERSUSFOOLDrunkseventuallysoberup,foolsnevergetbetter. DRUNKARDHewon'tbeabletodieuntiluntilthegovernmentfindsasafeplacetoburyhisliver,whichishowPhilHarrisoncecharacterizedhimselflikeahorse, youcanleadhimtowaterbutyoucan'tmakehimdrinkitstraightthelocalbloodbankuseshisbloodtosterilizetheirinstrumentsallhisfriendsareinlowplaces henevergetsbeatentothepunchhealwayswakesupatthecrackoficehe'dratherpullacorkthanpunchatimeclockheworeoutthreeshotglassesinfour yearsheonlydrinksformedicinalpurposesbuthelivesindailyfearofgettingsick DRUNKARD,SINCEREHe'dstepoverhalfadozennakedbeautyqueenstogettoabottleofcheapwhiskey. DRYAsafrogcoveredwithdesertdustasapowderkegasMosesinthemiddleoftheRedSeaasasackofBullDurhamasawooden

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legsodrythecowsaregivingpowderedmilktheonlywateryoucouldgetwasdehydrated DRYLANDSeeDroughtLand,Dry DULL(BORING)AsditchwaterasrinsewaterfromaChineselaundryaboutasexcitingaswatchingbumpersrustaswatchingpaintdryasafishermanwho tellsthetruthhisideaofexcitementisorderingapizzaonhiscarphoneandthentryingtobeatthedeliverymantohishouseSeealsoBoring DULLPERSONHisideaofagoodtimeistostayhomeandsorthissockshisideaofexcitementistothrowcautiontothewindandturnuphiselectricblanket DUMBHe'saboutassharpasabowlingballsomeonegavehimapairofcufflinksandhewentouttohavehiswristspiercedhedon'thavethesensetopullinhis headwhenhepullsdownthewindowifbrainsweredynamitehecouldn'tblowthewaxoutofhisearshewasfourteenyearsoldbeforehecouldwavegoodby don'tknowspitfromnoodleshe'dtrytopopthecornsonhisfeetifhecouldget'eminthecornpopperhewentdeafinoneeye(orblindinoneear)he'slikea pin,hisheadkeepshimfromgoinganywheresomeoneaskedhimtoimitateabirdandhetriedtoflysouthhecouldn'tscattermanurewithafourdollarrakehe don'thaveenoughbrainstopoundsanddownaratholehecouldn'trollaballdownasteephillhedon'tknowmanurefromwildhoneyenoughtomakehis doctorthebeneficiaryinhiswillSeealsoDimwitted,Idiot,Stupid DUMBASAturkey.Whenitstartsraining,aturkeywilllookuptoseewherethewateriscomingfromandstandtherewithhismouthopen.Ifit'sahard,fastrain, theturkeywilldrownbeforeherealizeswhat'shappening.That'saboutasdumbasyoucanget.dumbasdirthaironabarbershopfloorascrewdriver DURABILITYThepostwearsoutbeforetheholethat'lllastsolongyou'llswearitmustbestuffedwithscrapiron DURATION,LONGThat'lltakelongerthanamonthofSundayslongasacoon'sage

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DURATION,SHORTThat'lllastaboutaslongasarainbowafteraspringshoweraboutaslongasanoldman'sdream DUSTHousemoss DUSTSTORMOklahomarainsomepeoplebelievethataduststormmeanstheangelsareshakin'outtheirsheetstogettheliceoutofheaven DYINGHe'sfixingtopromenadehomehe'sfixingtogatherupoveryonder

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Thisspaceisforyourfavoritesayings.

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E EXPECTATIONSeveryminnowexpectstobeawhalesomeday

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E
EARS,DIRTYTheonlytimehewasheshisearsiswhenheeatswatermelon. EARS,LARGEHisearsaresolargehecanswatflieswiththemhisheadlookslikealovingcup EARTHQUAKE,SEVEREItshookthehailoutoftheclouds EASEUPGivemealittlebreathin'room. EASYAsslidin'offagreasedpigbackwardsasfallin'offarollin'loginthemiddleoftheriverasgettin'upafteryousitdownonathumbtack EASYISN'TALWAYSBESTYoucangrowmorecottoninacrookedrowthanyoucaninastraightone.Unfortunatelyacrookedrowishardertoplantand hardertoplowifyoumakeyourbedhard,youcanturnovermoreoften EASYMONEYThemoreyouchaseitthefasteritmoves. EASYOBSTACLEThatain'tnopondforaswimmerthatain'tnotreeforaclimber EASYTOFINDAsthepitcher'smoundinYankeestadiumasthedeckonanaircraftcarrier EASYWAYOUTAsformerTexasgovernorMarkWhitesaid,"It'seasiertoburndownabarnthanitistobuildone." EATALOTLikeahog'sholidaytheonlythinghewon'teatfordinnerisbreakfastandlunchtheykickedhimoutofthearmy'causeheatemorethananentire platoon ECHOAsecondhandnoise EDITORSomeoneassignedtokeepeggoffanauthor'sfacehe'deditthesermononthemountifhefoundadanglingparticiple EDUCATEDGUESSHeusedtheSWAGsystem,whichisascientificwild

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assedguess.SeealsoUneducatedGuess EDUCATIONTheonlyknowncureforignorance EFFECTIVENESS,POORThathasaboutasmucheffectasaBBwouldhaveonabullelephant. EFFICIENTHe'ssmartenoughtobuildtheouthouseontheothersideofthewoodpile.Accordingtocountrylegend,thesmartestcountryboywouldbuildthe outhouseontheothersideofthewoodpilesowhenhiswifewentoutonacoldmorning,shecouldstopandpickupsomestovewoodonthewaybackandsaveher husbandatrip.Also,he'ssoefficienthedon'tlosenothingbutthesquealwhenhekillsahog.GlenOwensaidthatwhenhebutcheredahogonthefarm,he managedtofindauseforjustabouteverypartofthecarcass."But,"hesaid,"Ineverdidfindanythingtodowiththesqueal." EFFORT,DIFFERENTThedifferencebetweenpickingcornandcottonistheamountofthestooping. EFFORT,PRODUCTIVEHe'scookin'upsomegoodsyrup. EFFORT,WASTEDYou'reshovelingthesidewalkbeforeithasstoppedsnowingyoucantrainajackassallyouwant,butitstillain'tgonnawintheKentucky Derbyyou'relookingforgoldinacoppermineyourtryingtofindheneggsinarabbitcage EGGCackleberryhenseedanomeletshellawholeday'sworkforachicken EGGS,POORHereggsaren'tcooked,they'revulcanized. EGGS,SMALLIt'dtakesixteenof'emtomakeadozen.Thissayingcanbeusedtodescribealmostanythingsmall. EGOBigideasseldomcomefromswelledheadsifyougettoobigforyourbritches,yourhatwon'tfiteither EGOTISTHewasbornonthirdbaseandthinkshehitatriplethenicethingabouthimisthathenevergoesaroundtalkingaboutotherpeopleaselfmademan whoworshipshiscreatorhehascallousesfrompattinghimselfonthebackifyousingyourownpraises,you'llbeasoloisthecan'tseeanythingtaller

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thanthesmokefromhisownchilihe'slikeashipinafog,alwaysblowinghisownhornhedon'twantafeatherforhiscap,hewantstowearthewholeeagleshe thinksshe'stheonlyberryonthebush(orpeachonthetree) ELECTIONTheonlyracewheremostofthepeoplepickthewinner ELECTRICALSHOCK,MINORDidn'tdoasmuchdamageasashockfromalightningbug ELECTRICIAN,GOODHecouldrewirealightningbugsoitwouldblinkthenationalantheminMorsecode. ELECTRICITY'Lectricity ELEVATORMUSICWallpapersettomusic EMBARRASSEDEggwashesoffeasierthantar,whichmeansitisbettertogetalittleeggonyourfacethantobetarredandfeathered. EMBARRASSINGSITUATIONItevenmadethemoonblushtellingawomanherstockingsarewrinkledwhensheain'twearingstockingshavingyourdress tuckedintothebackofyourpantyhosewhentwoeyesmeetinthesamekeyholefromoppositesidesofthedoor EMBELLISHEDHeputalittleextramortaronthebrickIthinkyouputafewextrapoundsonthatfish EMBROIDERY(emBRAWDry)Needlework EMOTIONSeeOvercomewithEmotion EMPLOYEERELATIONSDon'tmuzzleyouroxwhenitistreadingoutthecorn,whichcouldbeinterpretedtomeanletyouremployeedohisjob. EMPLOYEE,POORHehasasignonhisdeskproclaiming,"Yesspokenhere." EMPLOYEE,VITALHe'sthegreaseonthewheels. EMPLOYEE,WORTHLESSIftheyfiredhimhewouldn'tleaveavacancy. EMPTYAsaWacodancehallasachurchonSaturdaynight EMPTYHEADEDHisheadissoemptyhehastotalkwithhishandstokeepfromgettinganecho.

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ENCOURAGEDon'tbelittle,bebig. ENCOURAGEMENT,FIRMAkickinthebuttisastepforwardsometimeskickingamanwhenhe'sdownistheonlywaytogethimup ENCROACHMENTYou'regettin'closetodiggin'inmy'taterpatch. ENDThataboutputstheragonthebush.Inthecountry,theragsarewashedafteralltheclothes.Sincethereusuallyisn'tanyroomontheclothesline,theragsare 'hung"onahandybush.Therefore,whentheragsareonthebush,thewashin'isatanendforthatday.quietus(kiwEATus),asin"Shefoundoutherhusbandwas fixin'togohuntin'andputthequietusonthoseplansquickerthanaminnowcanswimadipper." ENDEDEARLYItdiedonthevinelikeawatermeloninadrought. ENDINGThat'sallshewrote. ENDUREITIfyouwanttoseearainbowyougottoputupwithsomerain. ENEMIES"Amancan'tbetoocarefulinthechoiceofhisenemies,"saidOscarWildeifyouhavetopickenemies,picklazyones ENEMYSomeoneyouwouldn'twantpackin'yourparachute ENJOYABLEIain'thadthismuchfunsincethehogsatebabysisterIhadmorefunthanaoneeyedtomcatinafishmarketasmuchfunasskippingstonesona stillpondSeealsoFishing ENTERTAINER,UGLYHe'sgotafacebuiltforradio. EQUALTOEvenupwith EQUALITYEverymanhasanequalopportunitytoseekhisownlevelonagentlehorse,allmenareexpertridersablindhorsecanseeequallywellfromeither endtheonlytimeequalitycountsisbeingequaltotheoccasion ERREDYoureallypissedinyourwhiskeythistime. ESCORTCarry,asin"CanIcarryyoutothebarndancenextSaturday?" ETCSomethingyouusetomakepeoplethinkyouknowmorethanyoureallydo EVERLASTINGAsElvis

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EVERYMANFORHIMSELFEverymanhastoskinhisownskunk. EVERYTHINGISFINEThereain'tabumpintheroad,asGlennRainesmightsay. EVERYTHINGThewholehide,includingthetailjockstosocks.WhenJerryJonestookovertheDallasCowboyshesaidhewasgoingtobeinvolvedin everythingfrom''sockstojocks."thewholenineyards.Materialwouldusuallycomeinnineyardboltssoifyougotthewholebolt,yougotthewholenineyards. EVILMANSeeMale,Evil EVILPERSONTheonlyplacehe'llmakeanameforhimselfwillbeonatombstone. EVIL,SOMEWHATHe'sjustonegoodscareawayfrombeingvirtuous. EXHUSBANDAformerpainintheneck(orcertainotherpartsoftheanatomy)amanwhowasgivenenoughropetoskipamanwho'llberemindedofthe goodtimeseverytimehesendsachildsupportcheck EXWIFEAwifelastsforthelengthofthemarriage,anexwifelastsforeverifyouwanttokeepthebeerrealcold,keepitnexttotheheartofanexwifetheonly thingmoreexpensivethanawifeisanexwife EXASPERATEDAllputoutasadrummerwiththehiccupsyou'reactinglikethepaytoiletcostsaquarterandyouonlygotadime EXASPERATINGThatmakesmybacksidebiteaholeoutoftheseatinmypickupthatreallygetsmygoatwouldn'tthatcockyourpistolthat'llrattleyourslats (orcage)thatwouldmakeapreacherpackhisBiblethatripstheragoffthebushthat'llcorkyourpistolthat'llblowyourdressupthat'lltaketheinkouta yourpenthat'lltakethestarchoutofyourshorts EXCEEDINGYOURLIMITSYou'reboringwithabigauger. EXCELLENTHarddowngoodthecreamofthecrop EXCITEDAsapulletanticipatingherfirstegg(Justthinkaboutwhatanexperiencethatmustbe.)he'sgothistailoverthe

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dashboardshe'shotasabillygoatinapepperpatchwildasapeachorchardboarasaspringlizardinahenhouseshe'ssoexcitedshehastowalksidewaysto keepfromflyinghiseyeswhereshiningliketwofriedeggsinaslopbuckethereyeswereblinkingfasterthanafrogseyesinahailstormhiseyeswerebigas saucershisheartwaspoundinglikethedevilbeatin'tanbark EXCITINGIt'llgiveyouaquiverinyourlivernotonlywillitputleadinyourpencil,butitwillmakeyouforgetyouweresupposedtowritehomethat'llsetyour tailfeathersonfire EXCITINGASTryin'tohitchanornerymuletoaplow EXCLAMATIONWellshutmymouth!Welltootmyhorn!Don'tthatbeatall!Well,Iswan!SeealsoOath EXCLUDEDHewasinvitednottocome. EXHAUSTEDMytiredhurtsfeelin'mightywhiteeyed,whichisareferencetothefactthatyoureyesseemtogetbiggerandwhiterwhenyouareverytired EXHIBITIONISTSheboughtclearplasticwindowblindsandseethroughcurtains. EXPECTATIONS,HIGHEveryminnowfigurestobeawhalesomeday. EXPECTATIONS,LOWIfyougohuntingwithatomcat,youcan'texpecttocatchnothingbutfieldmiceandcrippledbirdsyoucan'texpectanythingfromahog butagrunt EXPENDABLECannonfodder EXPENSIVEThat'llputyoursavingsaccountonthecriticallistthat'llknockaholeinyourwalletbigenoughtoputyourfistthrough EXPERIENCELiveandlearnordieandforgetaboutitthebestthingtosweatthefatoffthebrainSeealsoWisdom EXPERIENCECOUNTSAnoldcoyoteknowstheshortestwaytothechickencoop.Anybroomwillsweepbutanoldbroomknowswherethedirtisanewhat looksgoodbutanoldhatknowstheshapeofyourhead EXPERIENCEDIt'sbettertoknowthecountrythanto

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bethebestcowboyhe'sbeentothebarnafewtimesknowshowtousehayhookstoooldacattobefooledbyakittenknowstheropeshe'sbeentomore thanonerodeo EXPERTSomeonewhoknowsalltherightanswersifyouaskalltherightquestions EXPLAINITBETTERPutitdownwherethecalvescangetatitwringouttheragsomechewitalittlefiner EXPLANATIONSomethingthatain'tnecessaryforfriendsandiswastedtimeonenemies EXPLODEDLikeafullbeercanthathadbeeninthepaintmixingmachinedownatthehardwarestore EXPOSEDWebeensmokedouta'thehole. EXPRESSIONSeeShockedExpression EXPRESSION,STRANGEYoulooklikeyou'repassin'apeachpityoulooklikeyoujustswallowedafishinglureyoulooklikelightningjuststruckyour zipperyoulooklikeyoujusttookyourtemperaturewiththebaby'sthermometer EXPRESSION,SURPRISEDYoulooklikeyoujustreachedintoyourminnowbucketandsomethingslimywrappedaroundyourhandyoulooklikeyoujust tookabigol'drinkoutasomebody'sspitcan EXTRABoot,asin"What'llyougivemetobootifwetradehorses?"Intheolddayssomecountryfolksusedlagnappe(landyap)forboot. EXTRAEFFORTIfyouworkaroundhere,youbettersoakyourscrews.Thatsayingcomesfromworkingwithwood.Ifyouputforththeextraefforttosoak screwsinalightlubricantoreventhick,soapywater,theywillgointohardwoodmucheasierthanunsoakedscrews.Therefore,anyonewhosoakshisscrewsis puttingoutextraeffort. EXTRAORDINARYArealdoozeyalalapalooza EXTREMELYBigtime,forwhichtherearenumerousexamplesthroughoutthisbook EYESAwoman'seyeswilloftentellyouwhathermouthcan't.

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EYES,BEADYHiseyesareclosertogetherthananearthworm's. EYES,REDYoureyesgotmorelinesthanaMississippiroadmap. EYES,SHRUNKENYoureyeslookliketworabbitpelletsinasnowbank. EYES,SOFTHereyeslooksoftasribboncanesyruponatinplate. EYES,WIDEOPENPopeyed EYESIGHT,GOODHecanspotagnatatfiftyyardsandtellifit'samaleorfemale. EYESIGHT,POORHelosthisglassesandcouldn'tlookforthemtillhefoundthem.

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F FEMALESUPERIORITYroosterscrow,hensdeliver

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F
FACADEHe'sallvineandno'taters,whichisaslightvariationtothepopular"He'sallhatandnocattle." FACE,LARGEShe'sgotenoughchinsforthreefaces. FACE,SKINNEDUPHe'sgotbicycleface.Inthelate1800sthebicyclewasbecomingverypopularbutalotofpeopledidn'tunderstandhowtorideorhowto stop.Thispromptedmanydoctorsaroundthenationtoreporttheyweretreatinganewmaladytheynamed"bicycleface." FACE,UGLYHelookslikeherangthechurchbellwithhisface. FACETHEMUSICIfyoucan'tfacethemusicyou'llneverleadtheband. FACTIfIain'ttellin'youtheabsolutetruth,wellthenI'mgrassandGod'salawnmowerifitain'ttrue,thereain'taprettygirlinTexasorGeorgiasureasgrasswill growinacrackyoucanbettherailroadonthat FACTSItiseasiertogetfactsthentofacethem. FAILUREHesatdowninhisownbeartraphehitchedhiswagontoafallingstarhiscottondidn'tcomeuphestartedoutwithnothingandhasmostofitleft hetookthepathofleastresistancemadehismarkintheworldbutsomeoneeraseditheaimedtodorightbuthewasapoorshotheaimedhighbuthewas shootingblankshercakewasalldough FAITHFULAsanoldhat.Outsideofhishorse,therewasnothingmorespecialtoacowboythanhishat.Heuseditasarainbonnet,sunshield,afanforthecook fire,aswellasanemergencywaterbucketandfeedbag.Acowboyoftenbecamemightyattachedtohishatandtreateditlikeanoldfriend.Morethanafewrange ridersactuallydrownedwhiletryin'

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toretrievetheirfavoriteheadgearafterithadblownintoaswollenriver.Onecowboyclaimedhehadahatthathadoutlivedadozenpairofboots,threesaddles,and oneortwohorses.Hesaidthebestthingaboutthatoldhatwasthatitneverdidforgettheshapeofhishead.Becausethehatwasalwaysreadytogowherethe cowboywent,neverdrankanyofhisbeer,neverranoffwithhisbestgirl,neverbrokeapromise,andneverletthecowboydownwhenthegoin'gottough,alotof oldtimecowboysconsideredtheirhattobetheirmostfaithfulfriend.Ifwomen,men,dogs,horses,andfriendswereasfaithfulasanoldhat,theworldwouldbea betterplacetolivein. FAKEAsathreedollarwigaseyelashesonaLasVegasshowgirlasahooker'saffection FALL,SERIOUSHetookaheadoverrainbarrelspill. FALLENANGELShefelloutofheavenandlandedinthedevil'slap. FALSEThat'snothingbutChamberofCommercestatisticsasstoreboughtteethasentriesinatruckdriver'slogbook FALSEIMPRESSIONAnyonecanlooktallwhensurroundedbymidgets. FAMILY,LARGETheygotenoughkidstobaitatrotline. FAMILY,SORRYTheyvotedry,thenmoveaway.InTexas,thedrinkinglawsareaboutasconfusingasChinesearithmetic.Insomeplacesyoucandrinkandin otherplacesyoucan't.Usually,therighttodrinkissettledbyalocaloptionelection,andthesorriestoffamilieswouldallvotedryeveniftheyknewtheyweremoving away. FAMILYLOYALTYBloodisthickerthanwater,whichmeansstandbyyourfamilymembers. FANATICSomeonewhostickstohisguns,whethertheyareloadedornot FARAWAYIt'sathreegreasin'trip,whichmeansyou'dhavetogreasethewagonthreetimestogetthereandback. FARMLABORERHoehandfieldhand

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FARMERHedoesn'thavetogotowork,hewakesupsurroundedbyit. FARMER,EXPERTHeknowseverythingthereistoknowaboutcows,sows,andplowstheonlythinghecan'tdoaroundafarmislayanegg FARMER,INEPTHegothistractorhunginreverseandunplowedfifteenacreshedon'tknowifhe'splowin'orplayin'dominoes FARMER,LAZYHedon'traisenothingbuthogs'causehogsdon'tneedplowin'orhoein'hesuckshiscowratherthanmilkher'causehe'stoolazytocarrythe bucket FARMER,LUCKYHeraisedabumpercropofsons,whichmeanshe'llhaveplentyofcheap,availablelaborthatwon'tquitanddon'thavetokeepaneyepeeled fortheimmigrationboys. FARMER,SMALLTIMEAwoolhatboy,whichmeanshecan'taffordafelthathe'sabroadcastfarmer,whichmeanshecan'taffordplantingequipmentsohe hastosowhiscropsby"broadcasting"theseedsbyhand FARMER,SMARTHe"signed"hiscrop.WhenafarmerinWeatherford,Texaswashavingtroublewithpeoplestealinghiswatermelons,hedecidedtosignhis crop.Heputupasignforalltoseeproclaiming:"Beware.Onewatermeloninthispatchhasbeenpoisoned."Thesignworkedandthetheftsstoppedeventhoughno melonhadactuallybeenpoisoned.Unfortunately,theplanbackfiredwhenthefarmerwentoutonemorningandnoticedthatsomeonehadputupanothersignwhich read:"Nowtherearetwopoisonedwatermelons."Anotherfarmer"signed"hiscropalittledifferently.Hehadavegetablestandnexttohistruckgardenbutthetraffic wentbysofastnooneeverstopped.Thatallchangedwhenheputupasignproclaiming''NudistColonyCrossing." FARMER,STUPIDHeshothismule'causethecottonrowscameoutcrooked. FARMER,UNLUCKYHedon'tevergetnuthin'butbullcalvesandgirlbabies,whichmeanshenevergetscowstohelpbuildhisherdandhenevergetsboysto

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helpoutaroundthefarmhispigsalldiedfrommudsleepingsickness.Mudsleepingsicknessisararediseasethatsometimesstrikespigswhospendtoomuchtime inthemud.Atinymudballformsontheirtailsandgrowsslowlyastheymovearound.Eventually,themudballgetssolargeitpullsbackthepigsskinsomuchthatthe animalcan'tcloseitseyesanditdiesfromlackofsleep. FARMERSADVICEIfyouplantonionsnexttopotatoes,thepotatoeswillcrytheireyesoutcropsdon'tgrowbytheglowofthemoon FARMINGCrimedon'tpay,neitherdoesfarming.Politics,however,lookspromising. FASHIONCONSCIENCEShedressesuptodothedishesshewearshighheelstomowthelawn FASTASAhengetsonagrasshopperaschainedlightningwithasnappedlinkasacannedcat,whichreferstothecountryprankoftieingacanonacat'stailto seehimrun.Itseemswhenacathasacantiedtohistail,hethinkstheonlywaytogetawayfromthenoiseistorunasfastaspossible,whichgenerallyonlymakeshis situationworse. FASTPERSONHecanplaypitcherandcatcheratthesametimehe'ssofasthecanrundownarumorhecanturnoffthelightswitchandgetintobedbeforeit getsdarkwheneverhestopsittakeshisshadowfifteenminutestocatchuphecouldoutrunasixleggedjackrabbithecancatchhisownechorunslikea scaredghosthe'sabulletwithfeetSeealsoQuick FASTWORKERHecouldhavebailedfastenoughtokeeptheTitanicafloat. FATASAtowndog.Inthecountry,dogsoftenhavetofendforthemselvesbutinmostruraltowns,therewillalwaysbesomeonewillingtosharescrapswithanyold straydogthathappensalongasaprizewinninghogasafullpossumasacooninacornfield FATMANHehastobuytwoticketswhenheflies(orridesthebus)hesuffersfromhandtomouthdiseasehisenergyhasgonetowaistgotafigurelikeadepot stove

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hecanpinchaninchonhisforeheadSeealsoMale,Fat FATWOMANHerhousecoatwouldfitaroundasmallhouseshe'sbuiltforcomfortratherthanspeedifshegotpregnantthey'dhavetousetwotablesinthe deliveryroomshehastousetwoburlapsacksforpantyhosesheain'tfat,justshortforherweightSeealsoRearEnd,Large FATESomedaysyouget,andsomedaysyougetgot. FATE,UNAVOIDABLEArabbitcanhideintheforest,butafoxcanalwaysfindhim,whichisacountryversionof"youcanrunbutyoucan'thide." FATHERTheparentwhohastoendurechildbirthwithoutananesthetic FATTENINGFOODDon'tbothertoeatit,justapplydirectlytothehipsandthighs FAUXPAUS(Foxpox) FAVORIfyou'lldothatforme,I'llgiveyouthefirstsilverdollarIfindrollinguphillwithspurson. FAVORITISMPlaysbrotherinlaw FEARLESSHesweatsicewater. FEELINGBADIfeellikeIwasrundown,runover,andwrungoutIfeellikeIwassentforandcouldn'tcomeIfeellikeIwaschewedupandspitoutIfeel likeIwasshotoutofacannonandmissedthenetSeealsoSick FEELINGGOODIfIfeltanybetter,I'dhavetobetwins'causeonepersonjustcouldn'tstanditifIfeltanybetterIcouldn'tstanditandthesheriffwouldn'tallow itIfeelgoodallovermorethananyplaceelse FEELINGPOORLYIfeellikeIsleptinasackwithawildcatIfeellikeIwaseatenbyabillygoatandpukedoveracliffIfeellikeIwasgrabbedbyaneagle anddroppedoutoftheclouds FEELINGSORRYFORHIMSELFHe'sgothistailbeneathhishindlegshisbottomlipissaggingsomuchhe'spicklingupgravelashewalks FEELINGS,HURTThatcutmetothequick. FEELSGOODAsfreshwashedsheetsonabedastakin'offapairoftightbootsafterahardday'swork.As

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thestorygoes,anoldcowboyfinallysavedupenoughmoneyforapairofhandmadeboots.Unfortunately,whentheyarrived,theywereaboutasizetoosmall.Three orfourmonthslaterthecowboyranintothebootmakerandtoldhimabouttheproblem.Naturally,thebootmakerofferedtostretchthebootsbutthecowboy refused."After14or15hoursofbustin'horses,punchin'cows,mendingfences,andchasingstrays,thebestthingIhavetolookforwardtoisgettin'themdamned tightbootsoff." FEETDirtmovers,whichisanexpressionthatcomesfromthehabitofcountryfolkskickingsomedirtwhiletheystandaroundandchewthefat(talk). FEET,COLDWhenhegetsundertheelectricblanket,thestreetlightsshortoutwhenhetakesoffhisshoesthefurnacecomeson FEET,LARGEHe'sgotagoodunderstandinghisfeetaresobighehastogotoacrossroadstoturnaroundyoucan'thaveabigbuildingwithoutabig foundation FEET,STINKINGHeputodoreatersinhisbootsandtheyevaporatedhealwayssitsonthefrontrowinchurch'causeifthesermonrunslong,hecantakeoffhis shoesandforcethepreachertoaquickconclusion FELLLikeafloursackoffthebackofawagonlikeaneagleinawindshear FEMALESomethingtheworldwouldbealotworseoffwithoutthebestthingonearthtosqueezesomeonewho'sfullyarmedwhenshe'sfullynaked FEMALE,ABLEShecanironalldayinhighheelswithacoldiron.SeeFemale,Tired FEMALE,ACTIVEShekeepsherdancecardfull. FEMALE,AGEOFAlady'sageislikethespeedometerinausedcar.Youknowit'sbeensetbackbutyoudon'tknowhowfar. FEMALE,AGINGSheusedtogetaromantictwinkleinhereyewhenshewasinaromanticmood,butnowitjustmeanshercontactlensisinbackwards. FEMALE,AGGRESSIVEShecomesonlikeamouthfulofhotgumbo(orredbeans).

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Ifyouhaveevertakenamouthfulofveryhotgumbo,youknowitgetsyourattentionrealquickjustlikeanaggressivefemaledoes. FEMALE,ANGRYShe'sabitchinthekitchenwithnobackdoorshe'smadderthananoldheninawoolbasket FEMALE,ANXIOUS(SORTOF)She'sitchingforsomethingsheain'twillingtoscratch. FEMALE,ATTRACTIVEShecouldmakeaglasseyeblinkshe'scapturedmyheartandaboutthreeorfourotherorgansshelookssogoodshecouldmakea Bishopkickaholeinastainedglasswindowshe'sbeenhitonmorethanthebackwallinhandballcourt FEMALE,CONNIVINGShealwayssmellstired,whichmeanseverydayjustbeforeherhusbandgetshomeshedabssomePineSolonherneckandspraysLysol underherarmssoshe'llsmelllikeshe'sbeenworkingalldaysheain'tlookin'forahusband,she'slookingforadiamondmineshemayhaveashortropebutshe canstillthrowabigloop(andthereisalways,itseems,somemanwhoiswillingtogetcaughtinit)shemadeittothetopbecauseherdressdidn't FEMALE,CRAZYShe'sacupandasaucershortofaset. FEMALE,DANGEROUSShecanshootaswellasshecooksshe'ddipherman'sboxershortsincatnipandthenbuyamountainlionforapetshemightturn yourheadbutitwouldbeonaspitoveranopenflame FEMALE,DECEIVINGIfshe'sanangelshe'swearinginvisiblewingsifshewasahen,she'deatyourfeedandthenlayhereggsundertheneighbor'sporch, whichisacountryversionfor"she'dletyoubuythedrinksallnightandthengohomewiththebartender." FEMALE,DESIRABLEShe'dmakeacowboyforgethishorseshe'ssodesirable,I'dgiveanalligatorahysterectomywithoutantisepticjustfortheopportunity toholdherhandshedon'thaveanytroublefindin'araketogatherherhaycrop FEMALE,EASYTheycallherFord'causeshe'sthebestpickupshe'ssucha

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pushover,youcanfoolherevenifyouplayyourcardswrong. FEMALE,EVILShe'dmakeBonnieParkerlooklikeanMYFcounselor.MYFisMethodistYouthFellowshipandMissParkerwastheBonnieintheBonnieand Clydecrimeduo.SeealsoMale,Evil FEMALE,FATSeeFatWoman FEMALE,FLIRTATIOUSShe'sbeeninmorelapsthananapkin,whichishowthelegendaryMaeWestoncedescribedherselfshenevermetalapshedidn't like FEMALE,GENTLESheonlyhitsyouwiththesoftendofthemop. FEMALE,HARDSheissohardtheonlythingthatwillmakeanimpressiononherisadiamond. FEMALE,HIGHSPIRITEDIfshewasahorse,she'dbehardtobreaktoahalter. FEMALE,IGNORANTHerbrasizeisaboutequaltoherIQ. FEMALE,INEPTSheboughtcosmeticsforamakeupexamshewenttotheCommunityChestforamammogramwhensheputsonherbikinishetakesoffher brainshedon'tthinkshecanbeoverdrawnatthebank'causeshestillhaschecksleft FEMALE,IRATEYourbuttiscrabgrassandshe'sthegoat. FEMALE,JEALOUSSeeJealousWoman FEMALE,JILTEDHerhearthasbeenbrokenmorethanthetencommandmentsherheartbrokeintomorepiecesthanacrystalballthatwasdroppedoutofan airplaneshetookupwiththewrongol'boyandhertookheforashortride FEMALE,LARGEIfshewasastripper,herGstringwouldbeaswideasatowstrapshehastoputonagirdletogetintoherkimonoshe'sbuiltlikeapillow shegainedsomuchafterhavingthebabythatherstretchmarkslookliketanktracks FEMALE,LAZYSeeLazyWoman FEMALE,LYINGShedon'teventellthetruthinherdiarysheusuallystarts

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lyingaboutheragewhenthemirrorstartstellingthetruth FEMALE,MADEUPShe'sgotfreshpaintonhercheeks,newchalkonhernoseandfreshslobberonherspitcurls.(Unfortunately,herhusbandwillprobably nevernoticeit.) FEMALE,MEANSeeMeanwoman FEMALE,MIDDLEAGEShe'stooyoungformedicareandtoooldformentocare. FEMALE,PROMISCUOUSShesleepsaroundsomuch,she'dcatchfireifshedidn'tsweattheinscriptiononhertombstonewillread:"Theonlytimesheever sleptalone"she'sawidowwomanwhoalwaysseemstowantherweedsplowedundershe'stheoriginalfritolaywithheryougotnochancetobethefirstone butyoustandagoodchanceofbein'thenextoneshe'sgotroundheels,whichimpliestheheelsonhershoeshavebeenroundedmakingiteasytopushherover FEMALE,PROUDShe'sarealhoneybutnoneofthebeesknowitshethinksshe'stheonlypeachonthetree FEMALE,RESPECTABLEShe'sanallstandingtoughol'galwhich,fromacountryboy,ishighpraise. FEMALE,SEDUCTIVEShe'sgotmoremovesthanawaterwiggleshecangiveyousuchahotfeelingit'llmeltthefillingsinyourteethSeealsoWalk,Seductive FEMALE,SHALLOWShe'slikeanEasteregg,mostlytrimmings. FEMALE,SHAPELYBuiltlikeabrickouthouse,whichisacommonsayingalthoughfewpeoplebuilttheirouthouseoutofbricksbecauseyouoftenhadtochange locationsofthefacilities,especiallyiftheprevailingwindschangedshe'sgotmorecurvesthanarainbarrelfullofpygmyrattlesnakeslikethecountrysongsays, nuthin'wouldsurelookgoodonher FEMALE,SHYShewon'tevenbendoverinthegarden'causethepotatoeshavegoteyes. FEMALE,SKINNYShehastowearsuspenderstoholduphergirdle.SeealsoSkinnyWoman FEMALE,SMALLIfshewasgoldplatedyoucould

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useherforawatchfob,whichishowRoyRogersoncedescribedBarbaraMandrell. FEMALE,SMARTShehashorsesense,sheknowswhentosaynay. FEMALE,STUBBORNShe'sgotabodylikeamarblestatueandaheadtomatch. FEMALE,STUPIDShehastosneezeeverynowandthentokeepthedustfrombuildinguponherbraintheycallherthelastfrontier,'causeallshehasbetween herearsisspaceSeealsoStupidWoman FEMALE,TIREDShelookslikeshe'sbeenironingalldayinhighheelswithacoldiron. FEMALE,UGLYSheain'ttwofacedcauseifshewas,shewouldn'tbewearingthatoneshecan'thelpbeinguglybutshecouldstayathomehernecklaceought tobeafleacollaradeadhogthathasbeenlyinginthesunshinefortwoweekscouldbeatherinabeautycontestshewouldn'tbefitforadrunkcowboytotakeup withSeealsoUglyWoman FEMALE,VAINShe'susedsomanymudpacks,shecouldretreadaLouisianaswamp. FEMALE,YOUNGBetterusewhatmothernaturegaveherbeforefathertimetakesitaway FEMALECONFIDENCETheabilitytowalkpastamirrorandnotlook FEMALEDRINKERMenmakepassesatlasseswhodrainglasses. FEMALEEQUALITYAsAnnRichardssaidinher1988Democratickeynoteaddress,"GingerRogersdideverythingFredAstairedidandshediditbackwardsin highheels." FEMALEFLORISTAladywholovestoshowoffherbloomers. FEMALEJUDGEMENT,POORThere'sonlytwokindsofmenintheworld,goodoldboysandthekindshebringshome. FEMALELIARSeeLiar,Female FEMALEMAGICIANShecan,asifbymagic,turnanyol'dirty,rundown,ramshackled,ratinfestedhouseinto

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homesweethome.I'dliketoseeHoudinitrythat. FEMALEPOWERAwomanwhocanwrapamanaroundherlittlefingerwillneverhavetotwisthisarm. FEMALESTUBBORNNESSIfawomandon'twannaseeyou,thereain'tnouselookingforher. FEMALESUPERIORITYHouston'sLizCarpentersaiditbestwith,"Roosterscrow,hensdeliver." FEMALEWARDROBEAwomanislikeasalad,everythingdependsonthedressing. FEMINIST,DEVOUTShe'sarrowproof,whichmeansshedoesn'thavetoworryaboutbeingstruckbyoneofCupid'sarrows. FENCE,GOODHosshighandbullstrong FEVER,HIGHHisfevergotsohighhishairwassweatin'hisfevergotsohighyoucouldfryaneggonhisforeheadhisheadwassohothiseyeswerealmost hardboiled FEVERISHIfeltlikemyhatwasfullofhotcoalsor,IfeltlikeIwasdrugthroughapileofhotcoalsfacefirst. FIDDLER,BADHeplaysthefiddlelikethestringswerestillinthecat.SeealsoMusician,Poor FIGHT,BIGAknockdown,dragoutfight FIGHT,SHORTIt'llbeatwohitfight:I'llhityouandyou'llhitthegroundhehadmelickedandwhippedbeforeheevenhadtimetogetgoodandmad FIGHTER,POORHecouldn'twhipa90yearoldblind,paraplegicgrandmother. FIGURE,FAIRIt'ssomewherebetween"ohboy"andobese. FILLEDUPLikeanairlineseatholdinga400poundpassenger. FINALIZEITPutthelastnailinthatcoffin. FINANCIALCONDITION,POORI'mlikeadogchasin'histail,we'rebothtryintomakeendsmeetI'mrunnin'apoorstringofhorses.Thisisasayingthat comesfromcowcountrywhereitissaidthataranchisnobetterthanitshorses.Aranchwithgoodhorsescan

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getbyevenifthecowboysareonlyaveragequality.Itfollowsthatarancherrunningapoorstringofhorsesishavingfinancialproblems. FINANCIALGENIUSSomebodywhocanearnmoremoneythanhiswifecanspend. FINDERSFEEBirddogmoney FINGER,INDEXTriggerfingerpointer FINISHEDYoucanstickaforkinhimcausehe'sdoneit'soveranddonewith FINISHINGPlayingoutthestring FIREMANSmokeeater FIRESTARTER,POORHeworeoutthreehatstryin'togetonelittleol'campfiretoablaze. FIREFLYLightningbug FIRMAsbedspringsinabrandnew$100mattress FIRMBUTFAIRHe'slikeawatermelon,he'sgotabigheartbutit'shiddenunderamightythickskin. FIRSTTHINGSFIRSTYoucan'tkillthesnaketillyougetthehoeinyourhandifyou'regonnaeatpecansyougottacracktheshellsyoucan'tstealsecond baseifyou'renotonfirstthewaterwon'tcleartillyougetthehogsoutofthetrough FISH,LARGEYoucouldusethescalesforroofshinglesyou'dhavetodislocatebothshoulderstodescribehowbigitwasithasbeenprovenmanytimesover thatthebiggestfisharealwayscaughtbythetale FISH,MEDIUMSIZEDIt'stoosmallforthewall.Thissayingprobablyoriginatedbytherecentpracticeofreleasingmostlargefishafterthey'recaughtsotheylive tobreedotherlargefish.Afishtoosmallforthewallisonethatisbigbutnotbigenoughtostuffandhangonthewallasatrophy. FISHERMAN,ACTIVEHistrotlinenevergetsdryhishooksneverrustinthetacklebox FISHERMAN,AVIDHe'safoamingatthemouthfisherman.Foamingatthemouthisareferencetosomeonehavingrabies,whichmeanstheyaresureenough crazy.Therefore,someonewhoisafoamingatthemouthfishermanisthoughttobejustplumb

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crazyaboutfishing.Thefoamingmouthanalogycanbebeusedforanything. FISHERMAN,CLEVERHefisheswithdrunkworms.Areallycleverfishermanwoulddiphiswormsintequilauntiltheygotgoodanddrunk.Thenwhenheput thewormonthehookitwouldbesobravethatitwouldbitethefish!Anequallycleverfisherman''fisheswithchewin'tobacco."Hesimplyfeedsthetobaccotothe fishandthenknocks'emovertheheadwhentheycomeuptospit. FISHERMAN,EXPERTHe'scompletedthegraduateprogramattheOklahomaschoolforfishhookbaiterswhichmakeshimaMasterBaiter. FISHERMAN,ILLEGALHetalkstothefish,whichisareferencetousingelectricitytostunthefishsotheyquicklyfloattothesurface.Insomeplacesmenwho usethetacticsaresaidtobefishpickerscausethey"pick"theircatchoffthetopofthewatermuchlikeacottonpickermightpickcotton. FISHERMAN,INEPTHecouldn'tcatchafishinabaitedhole(oratSeaWorld)hecouldn'tcatchfishinapowercompanydischargepond.Powercompanies generallydischargerecycledwaterthatiswarmerthantherestofthewaterinalake,whichissomethingminnowslike.Astheminnowsgather,sodothebiggerfish.If youcangetcloseenoughtoadischargepond,youcanalmostalwayscatchfish,unlessyouareanineptfisherman. FISHERMAN,LAZYHenevermarried'causehecouldn'tfindnorich,goodlookin'womanwillin'tocleanfish,whichmeanshewasalsoastupidfisherman'cause norich,goodlookin'womanoughttohavetocleanfish. FISHERMAN,LUCKYHewasbornwithasilverhookinhismouthhecouldcatchafishwitharottenlineandnobaitonthehook FISHINGThemostfunyoucanhavewithyourclothesonabaddayfishingisbetterthanagooddayworkingthebestexcuseonearthfordrinkinginthe daytimethebestwaytoseparatemenandtruth FISHING,GOODThefisharesohungrythatyouhave

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tohidebehindatreetobaityourhooktokeepthebassfromjumpingoutofthewaterandtakingthewormoutofyourhand. FISHING,POOREventhebiggestliarsweren'tcatchinganything. FISHINGTRIP,LOUSYTheonlyfishwecaughtweretheDolphins(Dawhfins)onTV. FISTArkansassoupbone FITAsafiddleSeeOutofShape FIT,GOODFitslikeahandinaglovelikehotleadinabulletmold FIT,LOOSEFitsaboutassnugasachoirrobeonaskinnyperson.Incaseyouhaveneversunginthechoir,therobesgenerallycomeinonesizefitsallvariety whichmeansthey'llfityouwhetheryouweight103poundsor301pounds. FIT,POORFitslikeadaddy'shatontheheadofapatchseatedkidlikeabigringonalittlefingerfitslikesocksonaroosterfitslikeahoginasaddle FIT,TIGHTAswaxinacandlemoldasskipantsonafatwoman FLAPPINGLikearunawaywindowshade FLATTERYArtificialsweetenerislikeFrenchtoiletwateritsmellsgoodbutyouain'tsupposedtodrinkitislikechewinggum,enjoyitforawhilebutdon't swallowitresemblesfriendshipaboutasmuchasawolfresemblesadogJohnWaynesaiditbestwhenhedescribedflatteryasthe"phonyexpress" FLEWAPARTLikea$2suitcaseinatrainstation FLEXIBLEHecandancetowhatevertunethebandisplaying. FLIMSYAsacheeseclothsocks FLIRTWishfulwinkingattractsamanbeforehe'smarried,distractshimafterward FLIRTATIOUS,INNOCENTItdon'tmatterwhereyougetyourappetitesolongasyoutakeyourmealsathome. FLOODSeeCreek,FloodedandWater,Deep FLORIDA(Flardah) FLYSWATTEREmergencyteastrainerflybrush,whichwasahomemade

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brushusedbymanycountryfolkstoshoothefliesoffthefood FLY,OPENSeeZipper,Open FORTWORTH(FoatWurth) FOG,THICKSothickyoucouldn'tcutitwithachainsawsothickthefarmershadtomountfoghornsontheirtractors FOOD,BADWouldmakeabuzzardgagwouldmakeamaggotpukecouldbeusedasaflyrepellantSeealsoTaste,Bad FOOD,GOODThat'sthebestIeverlappedalipover,asin"HerbiscuitsarethebestI'velappedalipoverinacoon'sage."SeealsoTaste,Good FOOLYoucaneducatehimbutyoucan'tmakehimthinkyoucanteachsensetoasmartmanbutnottoafoolifyouhavetobeafool,bearichone FOOLINGMEYou'repassinggasandtryin'toblamethedogyou'retryin'tosellmepossumhideforrabbitfuryou'retryin'tosellmeablackcatwithawhite stripedownhisback FOOLISHHe'djumpintotherivertogetoutoftherain. FOOTBALLElbertHubbardsaid,"Asportthatbearsthesamerelationtoeducationthatbullfightingdoestofarming"athreehourcommercialwithoccasional interruptionsforplay FORSURESureastheworld,asin"I'mgonnagetmywifeajobnextweeksureastheworld."SeealsoAbsolutely,Certain FOREIGNER(Furiner)hecan'tevenlaughinEnglish FOREVERAslongaspigsgobarefooteduntilthere'senoughfrostinhelltokillsnapbeansonthevine FORGETITKissitoffliketheoldmaidyoukeeplockedintheattic'causeshewon'tleavethemailmanalone. FORGETFULRonDavisalwayssaidhisdaughterEvelynwassoforgetfulthatshehadanautomatictwineloserforabrain. FORGOTHemisrememberedit.

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FORTUNATEShealwaystotedherduckstoagoodmarket. FOURWHEELDRIVEVEHICLEWhatI'dliketobeburiedin'causeIain'tneverseentheholetheycouldn'tgetyououtof. FRAGILEAsahandblownglassbulbasasopapia FRECKLESHe'sgotmorefrecklesthanaturkeyegg(orguineaegg). FREEDOMLikecheapsoap,losesitsstrengthwhenit'swatereddown FRIEDCHICKEN,GOODIt'ssogoodit'llstraightenyourteeth,smoothyourskin,andmakechildbirthapleasure.Thisdescription,orsomethingsimilar,canbe usedtodescribegoodbarbecue,chili,chickenfriedsteak,orgravy. FRIENDSomeonewhowilltalkaboutyourfaultsinprivatesomeonewhohasneverheardyourstorybeforeformerSpeakeroftheHouseJimWright,athis welcomehomepartyinFortWorth,Texassaid,"Afriendissomeonewhoknowsyourfaultsanddoesn'tgiveadamn."arealfriendwilltellyouwhenyouhave broccolionyourteethorwhenyourzipperisopenyoucan'tcultivateafriendbydiggin'updirtaroundhimGodtakescareoftherelativesbutyoupickyourown friends FRIEND,BESTHe'llhelpyououtwhenbothofyourarmsarebrokenandincastsandyournoseneedspicking.Ofcourse,theverybestfriendofallistheone who'llhelpyououtwhenyourarmsarebrokenandMotherNaturecallsyoutothenecessaryroom.Nowthat'struefriendship. FRIEND,FAIRWEATHERSomefriendsarelikeyourshadow,youonlysee'emwhenthesunshines,whichisanewerversionof"fairweatherfriend." FRIENDLESSHe'saonebuggyman,whenmeanswhenhediestheonlybuggyinhisfuneralprocessionwillbelongtotheundertaker.Amoremodernversion wouldbe"onecarman"whichmeansonecarwouldbemorethanenoughtotakeallhisfriendstohisfuneral. FRIENDLYADVICEDon'tbuyfriendship,youmightloseittoahigherbidderfriendshipislikeadollar,

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hardtoget,easytothrowaway FRIENDLY,SOMEWHATHe'sfriendlyonlyuptothepockets,whichmeanshe'llbeyourfriendbuthewon'tloanyoumoneysoheain'tmuchofafriendafterall. FRIENDSTheygetalongliketwopupsinabaskettheyweresoclosetheyusedthesametoothpick FRIENDSHIPAin'tsomethingyouget,it'ssomethingyougive FRIENDSHIP,QUESTIONABLEHe'sfriendlyasabootlegger.Inmostcasesabootleggerwillonlybeyourfriendaslongasyou'rebuyin'whiskeyfromhim. FRIGHTENEDHecomedownwithacaseoftherunsandhedidhewasscaredwitlessSeealsoScared FRIGIDHis(orher)sideofthewaterbedfrozesolidasaglacier. FRUGALHegetsoutofthebedtoturnovertosavewearandtearonthesheetshehasathreeleggeddog'causetheydon'trunasfastsotheydon'tgetas hungrycansqueezeadollartillGeorgeWashington'snosestartstobleedifhehadacold,hewouldn'tgiveyouagermhe'saclosechewerandatightspitterhe alwaysbreathesthroughhisnosetosavewearandtearonhisstoreboughtteethhe'ssotight,whenhegrinshisoutybellybuttonisdrawninwhenheblinkshis eyes,histoescurluphe'ssotighthenamesallhisdollarbillslikepetshestillhashiselementaryschoollunchmoneyhe'ssotight,whenheblinkshiskneecaps movehetakeslongstepstosaveshoeleatherhelearnedbraillesohecouldreadafterdarkwithoutturningonalamphethrowsquartersaroundliketheywere manholecoversSeealsoCheapskate,Miser FRUGAL,BUTCOURTEOUSHe'squicktotiphishattoaladybutslowtotipanyoneelse. FRUSTRATEDAsapickpocketinanudistcolonyasarubbernosedwoodpeckerasamuleatacrowdedtroughasasmallhoginthebighog'spen,which meansthebighogswouldcrowdoutthelittlehogwhenitcametimetogotothetroughasachicken

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snakeinanemptycoupIcanchewbutIcan'tswallow FRUSTRATINGAseatin'soupwithafork FULLIt'sasfullofthatasaneggisofchickenI'msofullIcouldbustabeetleonmybellyasabloatedtoad FUNTheolderyougetthemoreitcosts FUNERALPARLORTheonlybusinesswithapermanentlayawayplan FUNNYIlaughedsohardIalmostpoppedagizzardstring(asupposedtendoninthestomach). FUTILEYou'reshootin'spitwadsatabattleshipyou'rebearhuntingwithabroomstickasarguingwithamotherinlawasabirdhuntingforwormson AstroturfastalkingChinesetoadeafpackmule.DavyCrockettoncesaid,"ImightaswellhavesungPsalmsoveradeadhorse." FUTILITYAbullsnaketryin'tomakelovetoabuggywhipaturtletryin'tomateanarmyhelmetyou'rejustwarmin'upleftoversnow FUTURE,UNCERTAINTheonlythinghecancountonishisfingers.

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G GRINNINGlikeacatthatateaneagke

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G
GAMBLER,INEPTHeoncelosttendollarsinastampmachinehelosesmoneyoninstantreplaysSeealsoPokerHand,Worthless GAMBLINGThebestwaytogetnothingforsomethingifyoucan'taffordtolose,youcan'taffordtoplay GARDENER,INEPTHe'dfertilizeAstroturftheonlythinghecangrowinhisgardenistiredhecouldn'tgrowpolebeansinapileofhorsemanure GARDENER,SMARTNeverplantsmoregardenthanhiswifecanhoe GENIUSAcrackpotthathitthejackpot GENIUS,ALMOSTHehadasparkofgeniusbuthesufferedignitionproblems. GENIUSVERSUSSTUPIDITYThedifferencebetweenbeingageniusandbeingstupidisthatgeniushasitslimitsandstupidityhasnone. GENTLEMANNotruegentlemanhaseverheardtheotherperson'sjokearealgentlemanisonewho'llhelpanold,uglywomanacrossabusystreetwhennoone islookingSeealsoChivalrous GENTLEMANFARMERTheonlythingheraisesishishatwhenaprettygirlwalksby. GEORGIA(Jawja)Thelandoftallgirlsandvirginpines.ThissayingisusedtodescribeseveralstatesaswellasEastTexas. GETBUSYYoucan'tplowafieldbyturningitoverinyourmindacoyotedon'tcatchnorabbitswhilesittin'intheshadedon'tworryaboutthemulegoin'blind, justloadthewagongetupandgitinsteadofsittin'downansittin'you'llnevergetahitwiththebatsittin'onyourshoulder GETCONTROLStopthehemorrhageteach'emtoflyinformationget

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everybodydancingtothesametune(orsingingoutofthesamesongbook)youbetterflagdownthetraincutthegroundoutfromunder'em GETCONTROLOFYOURSELFGetachokeholdonyourtemper. GETGOINGPullthetriggerJohnWaynemighthavesaid,"head'emupandmove'eranorth" GETITDONEQUICKLYLet'sgetpastthehousebeforesomeol'curdogstartsbarking,whichbasicallymeansyouwanttogetsomethingdonebeforesomeone startscomplaining.Anexamplemightbe"Let'sgetthattaxincreasebillpastthehousebeforesometaxpayin'dogstartsbarking." GETLUCKYEverynowandthenyoucutafathog. GETOUTOFHERE,QUICKLYYoubettercutthechainontheanchorandrowsofastthefrictionmakesthewaterboil. GETREVENGE,SORTOFWetinhiswell.Suchaformofrevengegivesyouthesatisfactionofknowingyoudiditbuttheotherpersonnevertastesthe difference. GETRIDOFHIMLoanhimsomemoney.Accordingtotheoldcountrysaying,thebestwaytogetridofsomeoneistoloanhimsomemoneythatyouexpectto berepaid. GETSERIOUSLet'stalkturkeylet'sgetdowntothenutcuttin' GETSTARTEDDriveastake.Inalmostanyconstructionjob,thefirstthingyoudoisdriveastaketoprovideastartingplace. GETITOUTINTHEOPENPutsomesmokedownthathole. GETTOTHEBOTTOMOFITGetdowntowherethewaterhitsthewheelgetdowntowherethehogsaregruntin' GETTOTHEPOINTDon'ttellmeaboutthelaborpains,justshowmethebabyquitcoyotin'aroundtherimquitdancingmealloverthefloorskipthegristle andgettothebonegoaroundthatpigandgettothetail GETTOWORKThebeethatmakesthehoneydoesn'thangaroundthehiveamosquitodon'tgetslappedonthebacktillhegetstowork

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GETUPHoistyourcarcasscoolthatchair,whichisareferencetochairsgettingwarmwhenyousitinthemyou'llneverstumbleoveranythingworthwhilewhen sittingdown GETTINGANGRYHissap'srisinghisbloodissimmering,whichindicatesit'sabouttoboil GETTINGOLDHe'sfeelinghiscornsmorethanhisoatshecanstillpaintthetownbuthecanonlygiveitonecoatatatimehehadtostophavingbirthdays 'causehecouldn'tfindacakethatcouldstandupundertheweightofthecandles GIFT,PERFECTGiveagiftthatkeepsongivingafemalecat. GIRDLEPotholderwaistbasketanaidforoverdevelopedareasholdsawomaninwhenshegoesoutalotofwomenclaimthattakingoffagirdleaftera harddayisthesecondbestfeelingintheworld GIRLSeeFemale GIRL,CUTEShecouldmakeyoujumpaninerailfence,rassleaboxcarloadofbobcats,anddanceacrossTexaswithagrizzlybearagirlwithafutureoughtto avoidamanwithapastSeealsoFemale,Desirable GIVEHIMACHANCELethimaloneandhe'llcomehometohismilk. GIVEITUPForkitover. GIVEMETHEFACTSTellitwiththebarkon. GLASSES,THICKHisglassesaresothickhelookslikehe'sstaringatyouthroughthewallsofanaquarium. GLISTENSLikehoarfrostinthemorningsunshine.Hoarfrostisacountrywordforfrozendewthatcoatsthegroundandplantswithathinlayeroficecrystals.It glistensinthemorningsunlikeabasketfullofdiamonds. GLOWSLikefoxfireatmidnight.Foxfireisafungusthatformsindecayingwoodwhichcausesastrange,ofteneerieglow. GOAHEADANDDOITIt'seasiertogetforgivenessthanpermission. GOFORITDon'tsettleforhalfashebang,getthewholeshebang. GOGITTERAcowboywhoforgottohobblehishorse,

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whichmeanshe'llhavetogogetit'causeitwanderedoff GOSLOWBettertobelastinatrafficjamthanfirstinafuneralprocession. GOESTOGETHERLikerumandcokelikebiscuitsandmolasseslikecowboysandcountrymusiclikelipsandlipstick GOINGNOWHEREHe'ssoaptrackedandspinninghiswheels. GOINGTOOFASTHe'shunginoverdrive. GOLDDIGGERShe'saviolationtothelawofgravity'causeit'seasiertopickherthanitistodropher. GOLFThegamethatturnedthecowsoutofthepastureandletthebullinagamewheretheplayer'sliecancorrectthelayoftheball GOLFER,HONESTOnethat'sbeingwatched GOLFER,LUCKYHecouldhitintoasandtrapandgrasswouldgrowunderhisballbeforehegotthere. GOLFER,UNLUCKYHecouldputttowardaholeanditwouldhealoverbeforetheballarrived. GOODShiny,asin''ThewayIrodethatbullwasn'ttooshinybutitworked."whale,asin"He'sawhaleofahorse." GOODDEEDThesmallestgooddeedisbiggerthanthelargestgoodintention. GOODEXAMPLEThehardestthingonearthtoputupwith GOODFENCESSeeNeighborly GOODINTENTIONSBricksinthehighwaytoruinhetriedtomakehaywhilethemoonwasshining GOODOLDDAYSWhenastockingwouldholdallakidwantedforChristmas GOODSPORTTheworstthingaboutbeingagoodsportisthatyouhavetolosetoproveit. GOODTIMESIt'llbeagreatdaywhenschoolshaveallthemoneytheyneedandtheairforcehastohaveabakesaletobuyabomber. GOSSIPMurderbytongueclotheslinetalktongueexercisethedifferencebetweennewsandgossipiswhetheryou'rehearingitortellingitgossiptravelsfaster overgrapevinesthat

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aresourislikeslingingfreshmanureatacleanwhitewall.Itmaynotstickbutitleavesitsmark. GOSSIP(PERSON)Shehasakeensenseofrumorshebelievesintheoldadagethatyoucan'tbelieveeverythingyouhearbutyoucanrepeatit GOSSIP,DANGEROUSWhensheletthecatoutofthebagitturnedintoalionandateher,whichmeansshetoldsomethingthatwasn'ttrueandendedup sufferingtheconsequencesremember,gossipsfrequentlygetcaughtintheirownmouthtraps GOTMARRIEDHebelledhismare. GOTMORETHANICANHANDLEIgotmoregroundbrokethanIcanplantI'vecaughtmorefishthanIcanfry GOTNORESPONSEIdrewablank. GOTTHINGSTODOLikeanoldchicken,Igotscratchin'todoandeggstolay. GOTWHATHEDESERVEDHischickencamehometoroost,orasJenniferCharitonsaid,hischickencamehometoroast. GOVERNMENTOughttobelikeyourdigestivesystem,whenitworksproperlyyouhardlyknowit'sthere. GOVERNMENTBUREAUWherethetaxpayer'sshirtiskept GOVERNMENTSPENDINGGeorgeBernardShawsaiditbestwith,"ThegovernmentthatrobsPetertopayPaulcanalwaysdependonthesupportofPaul." GOVERNMENTWORKER,DEDICATEDHeputasignonHooverDamwarning,PropertyoftheU.S.Government.DoNotRemove.Unfortunately, taxpayershadtopayforthesign. GRABHOLDGrabaholtcabbageontoit GRACEGoodbread,goodmeat,goodGod,let'seat. GRANDCANYONIt'sbeensaidtheGrandCanyonwasdugbyabankerwhodroppedanickeldownagopherhole. GRANDCHILDNothingmakesaboysmarterthanbeingagrandson. GRASSCemeterycarpet,asin"Ibelievethecutwormsaregonnakillthecemeterycarpetinourfrontyard."

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GRASS,MEDIUMHIGHBellydeeptoabigdog GRASS,SHORTBellydeeptoagroundsquirrel GRASS,TALLBellydeeptoabighorse GRAVEAonesizefitsallholeintheground GRAVEYARDMarbleorchard GRAVEYARDCLEANINGSeeParty,Dull GRAVYTexasbutter,socalledbecauseTexanswilloftenusegravyinplacesalotofotherpeoplewouldusebutter,suchasonbiscuits,bread,mashedpotatoes, etc. GRAVY,GOODSloppin'goodSeeFriedChicken,Good GRAVY,POORYouhadtocutitwithasteakknifehadmorelumpsthanchunkypeanutbutter GREEDYIfhehadtheworldbythetailhewouldletgotoreachforthemoon. GREENAsagourd GRIN,WIDEHecouldswallowabananasidewayshewasgrinnin'likeacatthatateaneagle GRINNINGLikeabarrelofpossumheadsfromhisbutttohiseyebrowslikeapossumeatingdirtoutofahairoilbottlelikeamuleeatin'briars.Whenamule eatsbriarsheholdshislipsapart,whichgivestheimpressionhe'sgrinning. GRIP,UNSAFEAhospitalhold GRITS(greeuts)Georgiaicecream GROUNDHOGWhistlepig GROWINGFASTAsacrackinafrozenwindshieldasafertilizedweedaspopcorninahopperhe'sgrowin'sofasthisshadowcan'tkeepup GROWINGUPHe'sgettingalittlehaironhisbelly. GUILTAguiltymanrunsevenwhennooneischasinghim. GULLIBLEHe'dbuyhairrestorerfromabaldbarberhe'sgreenasacutseedwatermelon GUNCOLLECTOR,AVIDHe'sgotenoughfirepowertostartasmallrevolutioninaSouthAmericancountryifRobertE.Leehadhadhalfthatmanygunsyou'd bebuyin'grocerieswithConfederatemoney

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H HAPPYasashortcowboydancin'withatallcowgirl

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H
HABITSArelikeahalffullwaterbed,easytogetintoandalmostimpossibletogetoutof HABITS,BADDyingistheonlysurecureforabadhabitit'seasiertoformgoodhabitsthantoreformbadones HADALLICANSTANDI'mattheendofmytetherI'veenjoyedaboutallIcantakeofthat HAIRRESTORER,GOODGlenOwenhasabottleofmedicinefromCanadathathethinkswillcureanything.Healsosays,"It'llgrowhaironadoorknob." HAIRWhenyou'reyoung,itislight,thenitturnsdark,thenitturnswhite,thenitturnsloose HAIR,GREASYHishairlookslikeitwascombedwithbutteredtoasthe'sgotenoughoilonhishairtogreaseafreighttrain HAIRCUT,POORAwhitesidewallhaircut,whichoccurswhenthebarbervirtuallyshavesabandallaroundtheheadthatfullyexposestheears,whichthenappear tobecircledwithawhitestripemuchlikeawhitesidewalltireyoulooklikeyoufellasleepinthechairandthebarberforgotwhathewasdoin' HAIRDO,WILDAsylumhairhelookslikehestuckhisfingerinalightsocket HALFTRUTHSNoamountofhalftruthswillmakethewholetruth. HANDLEPigtail HANDS,QUICKHecouldstealhubcapsoffamovingcarhecouldstealtheneedleoutofarunningsewingmachine HANDSHAKE,FIRMHeshakeshandslikehe'sclubbingasnakeatagardenpartyshakesyourhandlikeit'sapumphandle HANDSHAKE,WEAKHishandshakemakesyouthinkyouholdin'alimpdishrag

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hishandshakewouldn'tsquashamarshmallow HANDWRITING,POORHecan'treadhisownhandwritingwhenitgetscoldhecouldn'tevenbeadoctor HANDWRITING,SMALLHecouldwritetheconstitutiononamatchbookcover. HANDYAsindoorplumbingasanecessaryroomonacrosscountrybusasahippocketonahog,whichgivesyousomethingtograbaholtofwhentryingto movethehogasawarmfireonacoldnight HANDYMAN,GOODSeeDoItYourselfer HANGONLikeafiddlercrabtotheunderpinningofaboat HANGOVERIfeelliketheBaptistbellchoirispracticinginsidemyheadmyheadisbanginglikeaChinesegong HAPPYASAshortcowboydancingwithatallcowgirlasacooninacornfieldasaoneeyeddoglockedinasmokehouseasawettin'dogwithamileoffence postsasacoltincloverasagopher,groundhog,prairiedog,orarmadillodigginginsoftgroundasapossumeatin'persimmonsasacowinafieldofbellyhigh cloverasawetdogbehindakitchenstoveasablowflyonmanureasawifewhoseesadoublechinonherhusband'soldgirlfriendasaweaselinahen houseasawoodpeckerina10acredeadening,whichisanyarea,usuallyaroundalake,thathasalotofdeadtrees.Sincethewoodinadeadtreeissofterthanin alivetree,awoodpeckerwouldcertainlyfindthepeckin'easier.Thenumberofacrescanbeadjustedaccordingtothedegreeofhappiness. HARDASAfrozencannonballasaninepoundjawbreakerasSuperman'skneecapaspigironasabanker'sheartasadiamonddrillbitasalightard knot,whichisthecenterofapinestumpthatcontainsaconcentrationofpinepitch.Whenfullydried,thecenterofthestumptakesonthecharacteristicsofhardened bluesteel. HARDHEADEDGraniteorsteelheadedifhisheadhadapointhecouldetchglasshardasaballpeen

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hammerasaTexan.Accordingtotheoldsaying,youcanalwaystellaTexanbutyoucan'ttellhimmuch. HARDLABORSplittin'gumlogsinAugustwithadullaxe.Therejustmaynotbeanyhotterjobonearth. HARDPART'SOVERIt'stimetolickthecalf.Ifyouhaveeverseenacowgivingbirth,youknowthatbythetimeshegetsaroundtolickingthecalf,thehardpart isover. HARDTIMESHe'sbeensandpapered,whichmeanshe'shadaroughtime. HARDTODOAsnailingcustardpuddingtoawall.Author'sNote:Thepersonwhocontributedthissayingofferednoexplanationastowhyanyonewouldwantto nailcustardpuddingtoawall. HARDTOFINDAsearsonanearthwormasthirdbaseinafootballgame HARDTOHANDLEAsabroncwithsaddlesores HARDWORKERHeworks365daysamonthhe'sagoin'JesseSeealsoWorker,Good HARDHEADEDHe'sunwillingtobeconfusedwiththefactshefollowsthestraightandnarrowmindedpathyoucouldn'tputanailinhisheadwitha22caliber nailgunhisheadissohardyoucouldturnhimupsidedownandusehimforarockcrusher HARASSINGShe'sbein'uglywithme. HARVESTBarnit HAT,SPECIALMymarryin'andburyin'hat,whichbasicallymeansitisonlywornonspecialoccasions,suchasaweddingorafuneral.Thesameexpressioncould alsobeusedforaspecialjacket,belt,orpairofboots. HATEIslikewaterinadrygulch,thelongeritruns,thedeeperitdigs HAUGHTYActin'mightybiggety HAWAII(Hiwaya) HAYHorsemanureseeds HEAD,SHAKINGLikeadogkillingagardensnake HEADACHEMEDICINEEasin'powder HEADACHE,SEVEREIhadtokeepmyeyelidsshut

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tokeepmyeyeballsfrompoppingoutadiamondcutteraskull(orbrain)crushersobigitwouldn'tfitinahorsecorralsostrongitwouldkillamiddlin'sized steer.Rodeobull,waterbuffalo,bullelephant,orrhinocerosmaybesubstitutedforsteer.SallyHoganoncehadaheadachethatshewassurewouldhavekilleda smallchild.TimMcEvoyclaimshefrequentlygetsheadachesthatwouldkilllessermen. HEALTH,GOODDoin'fineaslongasIgotapulseandmyplotdownatthecemeteryisstillempty. HEALTH,POORThedoctorsaidhedidn'tknowwhatailedhimbutthathe'dknowmoreaftertheautopsy. HEARDABOUTGotinthewindof HEARING,GOODHecouldhearatermitesneezeinathunderstormcouldhearawormcoughcouldhearthesunsetorthemoonrise HEARING,IMPAIREDHe'sdeafinoneearandcan'thearoutoftheotherhecouldn'theararattlesnakebuzzingifhewaswearin'itforanecktiehecouldn't hearapindropifitwasacattlependroppedoffacliffontoatinroofbarn HEARTLESSHecan'tcrosshisheartandhopetodiesomeonegavehimachocolateheartforValentinesDayandsomeoneelsehadtoexplainwhatitwas. HEAVYAsamotherinlaw'sbaggagewhenshe'smovingin.SeeLight(Weight). HELLHeaven'sjunkyardSatanPlacethere'sawaytostayoutofhellbutnowaytogetoutonceyou'rethere HELLRAISERHeraisedmorehellthananalligatorinadryriverbed. HELPHep,asin"Yougottahepmefixthisfence." HELPLESSAsaclaypigeonasafrozensnake HEREDITYOnethingthereain'tnocurefor HEROES"Wecan'tallbeheroesbecausesomebodyhastositonthecurbandclapwhentheygoby,"saidWillRogers. HEROISMSteppin'intothebreachRemember,whenthereisheroismtobedone,someonestillhastoholdthehorses.

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HICCUPCUREThebestknowncureforhiccupsistogotoaturkeyshootforblindmen. HIGHASAGeorgiapineasahen'sbehindwhenshe'sinadeadrun HIGHHEELSSeeShoes,HighHeels HIGHRISKLikeplayingapokerhandwithyoureyesshut HIGHWAYSomethingthatiseitherunderconstructionorbeingrepaired.InMinnesotatheyhavetwoseasons,winterandroadrepair. HIPS,SMALLSeeRearEnd,Small HISTORICALACCURACYIfyouhaveeverheardtwopeopledescribinganaccident,you'llhaveseriousquestionsabouttheaccuracyofhistory. HISTORICALEVENT,MINORAnhistoricalspeedbump.PaulHarvey,thefamousradionewsmanwhowouldcertainlyqualifyasacountryboy,oncedida storyaboutTurkeynotsupportingtheUnitedNation'ssanctionsagainstIraqaftertheinvasionofKuwait.Mr.HarveysaidtheTurkishleadersconsideredtheIraq situationjust"aspeedbumpinhistory." HITINTHEMOUTHGotkissedintheeyeteeth HOARDGroundsquirrelit HOLDYOUROWNAlwaysgivebackasgoodasyougotinatradeorafight. HOLDYOURTONGUEYoudon'tevergethurtbywordsyoudon'tspitout. HOLDINGHANDSArmedup HOLE,SMALLIfyouweretocrawlthroughthatholeitwouldbelikerelivingyourbirthaboutasbigasacathole,whichisthesmallholeoftencutintoadoorto allowcatstocomeandgoastheypleasewithoutsomeonehavingtogetupandopenthedooranevensmallerholewouldbeaspithole,whichwasoftencutinto theflooringofcabinstobeusedtodisposeoftobaccojuicewhennospittoonwasavailable HOMETheonlyplacewhereyoucanalwaysscratchwhereititches HOME,CHEAPAsashotgunhousewhichmeansitwasbuiltbyfiringthe

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nailsoutofashotgunratherthanusingahammer. HOMEGIRLI'vebeenbackunderthechickencooplookingforeggsfartherthanshe'sbeenawayfromhome(canalsobeusedforhomeboy). HOMEREMEDYThepoulticehasbeenusedbycountrygrandmothertypestocurejustaboutanythingthatmighteverailyou.Ofcourse,somegrandmothers make"better"poulticesthanothers,butthebestthathaseverbeenrecordedwasthelittleoldladythat"couldpoulticethehumpoffacamel'sback." AnothergrandmothercoulduseahotCokebottleto"suckthevenomoutofasnakethroughhistail."Thiscomesfromanoldcureforboils.Someone,usuallya grandmotherlytype,wouldheatupaCokebottleandthenslapitovertheboil.Asthebottlecooled,avacuumwouldbecreatedwhichwoulddrawthepoisonoutof aboil.Speakingasonewhohasenduredthecure,trustmeonthisone,don'ttryit. HOMELYSeeUgly HOMEMAKER,INEPTSheknowshowtopressbuttonsbutnotclothes. HOMESICKShe'swishin'shewasbackundermamma'sbedplayin'withthekittens. HONESTAsababy'ssmile HONESTMANHeplowsastraightrowasquareshooterhe'ssohonesthedon'thavetoworryabouthavingapoormemory HONESTWOMANShebelievemirrorsandbathroomscales HONESTYSeeAbsoluteHonesty HONEYMOONThecalmbeforethestormtheperiodbetweenthebridaltoastandburnttoastthelasttimethehusbandgetstoworkthecontrolsontheelectric blanketorthefurnace HONEYMOONENDWhenhefindsouthemarriedabigspenderandshefindsoutshedidn't. HONKYTONK(hawkeytawnk)JukejointSeealsoSaloon,Dangerous HONKYTONKANGELAnangelwhotradedinhergoldenhaloforonemadeofneonshestillwearsahalo

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butit'sproppedupbyherhorns HOPPINGAROUNDLikedropsofwateronahotgriddlelikeamigratingbullfrog HORSESomethingthatisuncomfortableinthemiddleanddangerousatbothendsthehardestthingonearththatisfilledwithhaytorideahorse,putonelegon eachsideandkeepyourmindinthemiddleneverrideahorsenamedWidowMaker,Whiplash,Undertaker,BoneCrusher,orAutopsy HORSE,FASTHerunssofasthehastokeepknockin'therabbitsoutofthewayhe'dmakeManO'Warlooklikeaponyinakid'srideanybodyridin'that horseoughttotakeoutflightinsurance HORSE,GENTLEHe'saseasytorideasarockingchair(orastickhorse). HORSE,INDEPENDENTYoudon'thavetogivehimhishead'causehetakesitwhenhewantsit.Givingahorsehisheadreferstoreleasingthepressureonthe reinstoallowtheanimaltoprettymuchdoashepleases. HORSE,MEANCinchbuster(ahorsethatrearsandfallsbackwards,oftenbreakingthecinch)abuckerandasnorterhe'llthrowyousohighyou'llneeda parachutetogetbackdown HORSE,REARENDHorse'spatoot HORSE,SCAREDHe'sboogeredupandbailingout. HORSE,SCRAWNYHeain'tnuthin'butbuzzardbait. HORSE,WELLTRAINEDIfhejumpedoffacliff,he'dstopthreefeetbeforehehitbottomifIyelledwhoa. HORSE,WILDHecouldbuckoffaplastercastorbuckyouintoaplastercast. HORSESENSEStablethinkingisusuallyfoundonlyinastablemindwhatkeepsahorsefrombettingonpeoplewhatkeepsawomanfrombeinganag HORSEBACKRIDINGOnethingyouhavetodobytheseatofyourpants HORSESHOER,GOODHecouldputironshoesonahorsefly. HOSPITAL,EXPENSIVETheonlythingtheydon'tchargeforistheinkinthe

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penyouusetowritethechecktopayyourbill. HOSPITALITYAbilitytomakeyourguestsfeellikeyouwantthemtostaywithoutinterferingwiththeirplanstoleavetheyhaveasayinginArkansaswhichgoes: Comeandseeus.We'lldosomanynicethingsforyouyou'reboundtolikesomeofthem.Ifyourhospitalitygetstorunnin'mightythinyoucanalwaysusetheold countryhint,''Iguesswe'llgetontobedsoyoufolkswon'tfeellikeyouhavetostayanylonger." HOTItwassohot,IsawabirdpullingawormoutofaholeandhewasusingpotholdersitwassohotIsawarattlesnakecrawlintoacampfirelookingforshade underthecoffeepotitwassohotthechickenswerepluckin'themselvesitgotsohotthemercuryinthethermometerevaporateditwassohotthecenterfoldin Playboymagazinetookoffherstaples HOTASAbunkhousecookstoveafroginafurnaceasthedevil'skneeforagoodpersonorasapreacher'skneetoasinfulone HOTENOUGHTomeltdiamondstomelttheshoesoffahorsetoboilthewaterinsideawatermelonwhileit'sonthevinetomeltdirttobustopenpeapods onthevinetopopcornintheshucktosizzlespitonasidewalk HOUSEKEEPER,INEPTShewaxedthecarpet. HOUSEKEEPER,GOODShepushesameanbroomshe'shellondustandspiderwebs HOUSTON(Useton) HOWAREYOUFEELING?Howinthehealthareyou? HOW'STHATAGAIN?Lickthatcalfagain?Comeagain? HUMANEShe'ssohumaneshewasheseverythingonthegentlecycle. HUMILITYWhenyousaygracebeforeeatin'crow HUMORArichman'sjokeisalwaysfunny. HUMOROUSThat'dbringagrintothefaceofastuffedowl. HUNGRY(hongree)He'ssohungryhe'sbecomelefthanded,whichimplies

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youaresohungrythatyourcerebralpolarityhaschangedI'msohungrymyteethitchmystomachisplayin'arecitalI'msohungrymybackboneisrubbin'a blisteronmybellybuttonfromtheinsideIcouldtakeuptheslackinmystomachandwipethesweatoffmybrowhungryissomethingyoudon'tgetbetteratwith practiceasignonceseeninaranchkitchen:"Ifyou'rehungry,grabaplate.Youhavemybestwishes.Butbeforeyoupullfreight,besuretowashthedishes." HUNGRYASAmothonanylonsweaterawoodpeckerwithasorepecker HUNGRYENOUGHTOPlaydeadandtrytoattractavulturetoeatafullgrownhorseanditabuckin'toeatthestuffin'outofaragdolltoeatthetailoffa deadskunk HUNTER,AVIDHe'lltrailadoganywherehecancarryhimhekeepsataxidermistonretainer HUNTER,INEPTAbushshooter,whichmeanshesawthebushesmovingandfiredawaywithoutreallyknowingwhathewasshootingat.Bushshootershave killedalotmorecattlethantheyhavedeerorantelopehewon'tshootskeet'causehedon'twanttoclean'emSeealsoBirdHunter,Dumb HUNTER,INEXPERIENCEDHe'snothingbutasignshooter.Thiscomesfromthepracticeofshootingatinnocentsignsalongthehighway.Thetheoryisthat anyonewhowouldshootatsignswouldn'tbemuchofarealhunter.Themostfavoritetargetsforsignshootersaredeerandcattlecrossingsigns. HUNTER,POORTheonlythingheshootsarepool,craps,andbull. HUNTINGDOG,GOODbraggin'dogheflushesacoveyofquail,chases'emdownaprairiedoghole,andthenlet's'emoutoneatatimefortheshooter HURRYYoubetterhitthegroundrunnin'gotothewhipgethighbehind(likeanoldheninahailstorm) HUSBANDIslikeanegg,ifhestaysinhotwaterhegetshardboiledawisemanonceobservedthathusbandsarelikestatefairs,theyget

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biggerandbettereveryyearsomehusbandsareangels,therestarestillalive HUSBAND,CUNNINGHecarriesadoctor'sprescriptionforpantyhoseincasehiswifeeverfindsastrangepairintheglovecompartmentofhiscar. HUSBAND,HENPECKEDHe'ssohenpeckedhemoultstwiceayearhimandhiswifewillneverjoinanudistcolony'causeshewouldn'tbewearingnoskirtfor himtohidebehindhewearsthepantsinthefamilybuthehas'emonunderhisaprontheonlytimehegetstoopenhismouthiswhenheyawnshestilltakes ordersfromhisfirstwifehegetshismoneythehardway,heaskshiswifehewashesdisheseveniftheyarepaperplatestheonlytimeheputshisfootdownison aspadeinhiswife'sgarden HUSBAND,IDEALAnhonest,loving,caring,goodproviderwithamemorystrongenoughthatheneverforgetswhathesaidatthealteramanwhobelievesthat woman'sworkisneverdonesohelendsahand HUSBAND,INEPTHiswifesaidshe'dliketobeseeninsomethinglongandflowingsohepushedherintotheMississippiRiverheputhiswifeonsuchahigh pedestalthatshecan'tgetdowntocleanhousesohehastodoit HUSBAND,LAZYHemarriedhisfirstwife'ssistersohewouldn'thavetobreakinanewmotherinlawhisideaofhelpingoutaroundthehouseisstartingthe lawnmowerforhiswifesomebodywho'drathergothirstythangetupandgethisownbeer HUSBAND,POORHeputshiswifeunderapedestal. HUSBAND,SMARTHebuyshiswifethefinestchinasoshewon'tthrowanyofitathimwhenshe'sangryandshewon'tevertrusthimtowashithetellshiswife everythingshemightfindoutwhenhepullsthewooloverhiswife'seyes,heusesthickyarnifhiswifegavehimenoughropehe'dclaimhewastiedupattheoffice HUSBAND,UGLYWheneverhiswifegoesoutdrinkin'withthegirlsshealwayscarriesalonghispicturesothatwhenhegetsgoodlookin'she'llknowit'stimeto stopdrinking.Could

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alsobereversedandusedforuglywife. HUSBAND,UNFAITHFULHeain'tmarriedbuthiswifeishe'soutdoin'whathehopeshiswifeishomedoin'withouthisweddingringhaswornawhitecircle onhiswatchpocket,whichimplieshetakesoffhisringwhenhegoesoutandtucksitinthewatchpocketofhisjeans.Thefactthattheringhaswornawhitecircleon thepocketmeansithasbeeninthepocketalotoftimes. HYPOCHONDRIACHeholdshisbreathwhendrivingpastahospitalabedbugwantstobeburiednexttoadoctorhasanannualcheckuponceamonth cantellyouexactlyhowmanychickenpoxhehadhetakessomanyvitaminsandironpillsthatwhenhedieshisheirswillarguethemineralrightstohisbody HYSTERECTOMYWheretheygetridofthebabycarriageandleavetheplaypen

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Thisspaceisforyourfavoritesayings.

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I INPAINIfeellikeaparakeetthatgotcaughtinabadmintongame

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I
IDON'TCAREIdon'tgiveabedbug'sbehindaboutthatthatdon'trufflemyfeathersthatdon'tmeananymoretomethanahaironmybackside I'MREADYMyhair'sset.Afterahogisslaughtered,itisboiledinhotwaterwhichstandsthehaironendorsetsit.Whenthehairisset,thehogisreadyfor scraping. I'VEBEENTHEREI'vebeenonthecow'ssideofthefence. ICE,THINChickenfootice,whichisthefirstlittlelayeroficewhichformsonastockpondwhenitfreezesover.Normally,thefirstthinlayerhassmallcracklike imperfectionswhicharesaidtoresemblechickenfeet. IDEAJ.FrankDobieonceexplainedthedifferencebetweenhavinganideaandthinking.Hesaid,'Thoughtemploysideas,buthavinganideaisnotthesamethingas thinking.Aroosterinapenofhenshasanidea." IDIOTLunkheadhislimitsarelimitlessifthepowerfailed,hecouldgettrappedonanescalatorhe'saboutthreefourthsofahalfwithe'dhavetostudyupto beacrashdummyhe'sgottheIQofadustmopsawdustheadheain'tgotalickasensehewenttothetattooparlorandaskedforapairofboxershortsonhis chestsohecouldhaveachestofdrawershewon'tbuyadictionary'causehe'swaitingforthemoviehealmostfrozetodeathatthedriveinmoviewaitingtosee "closedforwinter"hewon'ttakeamilkbathbecausehe'safraidthecowwillfallonhimhismindislikeafaultyparachuteitneveropenswhenitshouldtodrive himcrazy,it'djustbeashorttripSeealsoDumb,Ignorant,Stupid IDLEHe'saboutasbusyasapickpocketatanudistcolonyhe'snobusierthanasaddlemakeratadog

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showhe'sjuststandin'aroundlikeabigeyedgoosehe'saboutasbusyasahibernatingbear IFIWASYOU(Fizeyou) IFIT'SWORTHDOING,DOITRIGHTIfyou'regonnatradehorses,youmightaswellgetthebestofthedealthebeststovewoodisalwaysthestovewood thatisfarthestaway,whichmeansifyou'regonnagetthebestwoodyougottadoitrightandwalkfar IGNORANCESomethingthatisalotmoreexpensivethananeducation IGNORANTHecutdownhisonlyshadetreeforfirewood.Theimplicationisthatwhilethefirewoodmightkeepyouwarmforalittlewhile,theentiresummerwill bemightyhotwithoutthatshadetree.hedon'tknowchickenmanurefromchickensaladhedon'tknowpineconesfrompineappleshehasaphotographicmind butnothingeverdevelopshe'dplayRussianroulettewithasingleshotderringer(orshotgun)hethinksDairyQueenisaroyalcowJoeHolstedsaidheknew someonewhowassoignoranthecouldn'tgetthesameanswerifhecountedhisnosetwicetookthescreensoffhiswindowssohisfreshairwouldn'tbeshredded ifheknewtwolanguageshe'dbebiignoranthedon'tknowbeansfromrockshe'sstudyinguptobeahalfwithe'darguewithadrunkliarSeealsoDumb, Stupid IGNORANT,DANGEROUSLYSOHe'ssoignoranthedon'tevenknowhe'signorant,whichmakeshimverydangerous. IGNOREHIMJustplaylikehismotherdidn'thaveanychildrenthatliveddon'tgivehimasecondthoughtandonlyhalfafirstthought IGNOREITTurnablindeyetoit. ILLHetookdownwithmiseries.Anyspecificillnesssuchastheflu,gout,pneumonia,etc.canbesubstitutedformiseries,whichisanundiagnoseddisease.he's feelin'mightyshyofbein'halfwellfeelin'mightypunySeealsoSick III,NOTTOOSERIOUSLYThedoctortoldhimnottopickupanythingheavierthanabiscuitoranightgownforabouttwoweekshe'sfit

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asafiddlebutjustalittlebitoutoftune ILL,SERIOUSLYHe'scrippledsickhelookslikeaboutonemorecleanshirtisallhe'lleverneedifhewasabuildinghe'dbecondemned ILLEQUIPPEDWorkingwithsand,whichmeansanythingyoudowon'tbepermanent ILLEGITIMATEHewasbornonthewrongsideoftheblanket. ILLINOIS(Illanoise) ILLITERATEHe'ssostupidhesignshisnamewithaholier'causehecan'tevenmakeamarkhedon'tgotofootballgames'causehecan'treadthewordsspelled outbythebandathalftime IMAGINATIONWhatsetsupwithawifewhenherhusbandisoutlate IMMORALAroundheeledwomanhedon'thavethemoralsofayellow,suckegghounddog IMPARTIALHetoteswateronbothshouldersafencewalkerifamanseesbothsidesofadispute,hedon'thaveanymoneyinthedeal IMPARTIALASAsadcountrysong,whichdon'tcarewhoseheartitbreaks IMPOSSIBILITYYoucan'tmakebutterfromskimmedmilkyou'retryingtohitathreerunhomerwithnooneonbaseyou'retryingtomeasurewaterwithatea straineryoucan'tmakeawhitedressvirginoutofaNewOrleanshookeryoucandothatthedayafteraroosterlaysaneggyou'retryin'toleadacow downstairs.Forreasonsbestknownonlytocattle,youcanleadacowupallthestairsyouwantbutyoubetterhaveadifferentplanforgettingherdown'causeno forceonearthcanmakeacowwalkdownanystairs.Speakingasonewhoonceleadajerseymilkcowuptwoflightsofstairstothetopoftheschoolbuilding,you cantrustmeonthisoneyoucannotgetthemdownbythesamestairs. IMPOSSIBLEYoucan'tputaquillbackinthegooseyoucan'tkeepthedewoffthegrassyoucan'tmakeacrabwalkstraightyoucan'tshakehandswitha clinchedfistyoucan'tunfryaneggyoucan'tmakearoseoutofstink

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weedyoucan'tcookincoldgreaseyoucan'tswiminadrycreekyoucan'tmakemoonshineoutofmare'smilkJamesB.McSheehyoncesaid,"Youcan't straddlethefenceandkeepyoureartotheground."WhoeversaidnothingwasimpossiblenevertriedtoslamarevolvingdoororflushagrapefruitdownatoiletSee alsoAttemptingtheImpossible IMPOSSIBLE,ALMOSTThat'lltakeaheapadoin'butitcanbedoneifyou'regonnatreethatcoonyou'llneedallthedogs IMPRACTICALAsgivingahugbymailastryingtocarrywaterinapeachbasket IMPRACTICALBEHAVIORYou'reswatin'whenyououghttobesqawkin.'Thissayingroughlymeansyou'redoingsomethingthat'snotpracticalwhenyou oughttobecomplainingtotheboss. IMPRESSEDShowed'emathingortwo IMPRESSION,FALSEJustbecausehisbreathsmellslikebananasdon'tmeanhe'sTarzanjust'causeahoghashairdon'tmeanhecangrowsideburns IMPRESSIONABLEHehasaheadlikeadoorknob,anyonecanturnit. INADAZEHiseyesarefoggedoverlikefrostonawindshield. INAHURRYHe'sinasweepingtrothe'sinatwofortytrot,whichistwominutesandfortyseconds.Whenthestudbookfortrottinghorseswasstarted,ahorse hadtotrotamileintwominutesfortysecondsorlesstobeincluded. INALLDIRECTIONSEverwhichaway INCONTENTIONInthehunt INCONTROLHe'sholdingallthetrumpcards(orallthecountrocksindominos)heownsthedeerlease INDANGERYoubettercirclethewagonsyou'refishingintroubledwatersyou'recussin'arangecookwhich,foracowboy,wasverydangerous.Ifthecook didn'tsimplywhipthestuffin'outofthecowboy,healmostcertainlysawtoitthecowpuncherwenthungry. INDANGER,BIGTIMEYou'repassingatruckonablindhill,atnight,inafog,withoutlights.

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INERRORYou'repullingthewrongpigsearsthat'sabullyou'retryin'tomilk INHEATInseason.JenniferCharitondidn'tquiteunderstandwhentoldherpetdogwasinheat.Shechangedittotheonlythingshecouldunderstand,insteam. INPAINI'mhurtin'worsethanaparakeetthatgotcaughtinabadmintongame.Sincebadmintonisnormallyplayedwithalittleplasticbirdie,ifarealparakeet happenedtoflyintoagameinprogress,hewouldbehurtin'forcertainbythetimeheflewout.Hummingbirdcanbesubstitutedforparakeet. INTROUBLEYougotyourtitinawringerandit'swashdayattheorphanageyou'reupacreekinawireboatyougotyourtailinacrackyou'replowin'ina badrowofstumpstheonlylightattheendofhistunnelisanoncomingtrainyougotmoreproblemsthanamailmanatapitbullshowyougotgrasshoppersin youraxlegreasethehogisdeadandyouain'tgotnowoodforafire,whichisareferencetoscaldingslaughteredhogsyoustruckoilinyourwaterwell.Therewas atimewhenwaterwasalotmoreimportantthanoil.InpartsofWestTexas,ranchersoftenstruckoilwhenwhattheyneededwaswaterforthestock.BurkBurnett issupposedtohavestruckoilinthreesuccessivewellsandexclaimed''Damn,cattlewon'tdrinkthatstuff."All'swellthatendswell,however,becauseBurnett eventuallyfoundenoughTexasTeatomakehimoneoftherichestranchersintheworld.Someonelaterpointedouttohimthathehadmadeenoughmoneyfromoilto buyenoughwatertofilltheIndianOcean. INTROUBLE,BIGTIMEAGypsyfortunetellerofferedtorefundmymoneydon'tworryaboutbitingthebullet,justgoonandswallowitIgotsomany problems,ifsomethingelsehappensit'llbetwoweeksbeforeIcanworryyou'reuptoyourarmpitsinmanureandsomebodyisstillshovelingyougotyourfoot caughtinthestirrupofarunawayhorse,whichwasaleadingcauseofdeathamongcowboysyou'reitchin'foragoodlickin'

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INCLINEDTOIgotagoodnotionto,asin"Igotagoodnotiontodrinkthatsixpackofbeerallbymyself." INCOMETAXThegovernment'snameforoutgotaxhasmademoreliarsoutofpeoplethangolfandfishingcombined INCOMPETENTHe'ssoincompetentthathecouldn'tbecrewchiefonasunkensubmarine,whichishowBillyMartinoncedescribedabaseballumpire. INCOMPLETEAkisswithoutasqueezeislikeabiscuitwithoutsyrup(orchocolatepiewithoutthemeringue)notfullybakedthatdeer'sonlyhalfskint INCONSEQUENTIALAsabeestingtoahoneylovin'bearasonemorepebbleonthebeachasonemorewartonafrog INDEBTEDTOBeholdento,asin"I'mbeholdentoyouforhelpin'pullmypickupoutofthatbarditch." INDECISIVEHehasafouryearoldsonwhoain'tbeennamedhe'sjustaflyupthecreek,whichmeanshechangeshismindandprobablyneverwillmakea decision INDEPENDENTHe'dratherleavesomehideonafencethanstaycorralledasahogonadancefloorenoughtopullhisownteethhesitsonthebackrowand singsbasshedon'tmarchtoanydrumbeat INDICATIVEAmaninasilkshirtprobablyneverpickedmuchcottonitain'tthesizeofthedoginthefight,it'sthesizeofthefightinthedogthecleanerthecafe, theworsethefood INDIFFERENTIdon'tcarenomoreaboutitthanIdoaboutspitonasidewalk. INDIVIDUALISMYougottapickyourownnoseeverypothastostandonitsownbottomsomepeoplefollowoldwagontracks,othersblazetheirowntrail INDIVIDUALISTShe'soneduckyouwon'tevergetinarow. INDUSTRIOUSHerkindlingboxisalwaysfull. INEFFECTIVE"Ithadnomoreeffectthanapintofwhiskeysplitfiveways,"saidHoustonChroniclecolumnistLeonHale.Afifthofapintwouldn'tbeenough whiskeytoaffectanyoneverymuch.Nowawholepint,that'sa

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differentstory.ineffectiveasascarecrowcoveredwithbirddroppings.Theimplicationhereisthatthescarecrownotonlydidnotscarethecrowsawaybutthe birdsactuallyuseditasaperchtodecidewhichrowofyourcornthey'deatfirst.Fortheoppositesideofthestory,seeScarecrow,Good. INEFFICIENTWegottoomanycolonelsandnotenoughcavalrytoomanychiefsandnotenoughIndianstoomanycooksandnotenoughchilimeat INEPTIfhehadagoosethatwaslayinggoldeneggs,he'deatthethingforThanksgivingdinnerhecouldn'tevenorganizeapissoffatabreweryhecouldn'tgeta hookeradateonatrooptrainhe'dpayextraforanairconditioneronamotorcyclehe'dputabucketunderanaturalgasleakhecouldgetsplintersfrom wrestlingtimberwolves INEVITABLEAmanwhowasborntodrownwoulddrowninadeserteveryturkeyhashisThanksgivingifyoufoolwithabull,you'llgettoseehishornsthe moreexpensivethesyrup,thedrierthebiscuitsthereisalwayssomeonetotaketheslackoutofatroublemaker'sropechipshappenifthestable(orbarn)is gonnagetclean,somebodyisgonnagetdirtyifyoudrillenoughoilwellsyouwilllearnthesoundofsuckin'airthatyouhearfromadryholeifyousitdownina cactuspatch,youcancountonpullin'stickersoutofyourbuttnomatterhowhardthewinter,springalwayscomestheonlywaytokeepfromgrowingoldistodie youngSeealsoAccepttheInevitable INFATUATEDHetooktothatlikeahogtakestoslop. INFLATIONWhenthebuckdoesn'tstopanywhere INGENIOUSHecouldsplitsomethingdownthemiddleandstillgetthebiggesthalf. INHERITEDHefellintoacloverpatch. INITIATIVE,POORHehastheinitiativeofanecho. INNOCENTAsafreshlaidegg INSIGNIFICANTAsdirtunderagnat'sfingernailasgaspassedinawhirlwind(it'llbelonggonebeforeanyonenotices)asicetoapolarbearwouldn'teven beapimpleonafrog

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INSIGNIFICANTPERSONHe'sjustanemptywhiskeybottleinlife'shonkytonkhe'sjustonebubbleinthebeerfoamoflifehe'sjustacancelledstampinthe postofficeoflife INSINCERITYIfyoueverneedanartificialheart,takehis. INSOMNIAMindovermattress INSOMNIACHegetslesssleepthanamanwiththreedaughtersandtwobackdoorshesuffersfromthebigeyes INSOMNIAC,SEVEREWhenhedoesgotosleephedreamsaboutbeingawake. INSTALLMENTBUYINGBythetimeyou'resickandtiredofthething,youownit. INSTANTLYSuddenlike INSTEADOF(Steduf) INSTRUCTIONS,LACKINGIcan'tdowhatIain'tbeentoldanymorethanIcangobacktowhereIain'tbeen.SamRayburnoncesaid,"Toknowwherewe aregoingitisimportanttoknowwherewehavebeen." INSUBORDINATIONSaddleyourhossbeforeyousasstheboss. INSURANCE(INsureunce)Whereyoucomeintoalotofmoneythreeweeksafteryoudie INTELLIGENCEIslikeariver,thedeeperitisthelessnoiseitmakes INTELLIGENCE,AVERAGEHedon'tknowmuchbuthedoesknownottoslapamaninthefacewhenhe'schewingtobaccohewasn'tinthetophalfofhis classbuthewasonethatmadethetophalfpossible. INTELLIGENT,VERYHehasatotallackofignorancehe'ssmarterthanatreefullofwiseoldowls INTENDSTOSTAYHe'spitchedouthisanchor. INTERNALCOMBUSTIONWhenmortgagepapersandinsurancepoliciesareinthesamedrawerandtheyrubtogether. INTEROFFICEROMANCEDon'tcutyourheifersoutofthecompanycorraldon'tdipyourquillinthecompanyinkwelldon'tworkthebreedin'stockand don'tbreedtheworkin'stock INTERRUPTINGWho'srobbingthistrain,meor

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you?Whomashedyourbutton?Whorattledyourcage? INTOXICATEDSeeAlcoholicDrunk INTUITIONAguessthatmadegood IRONSmoothin'iron IRRATIONALBEHAVIORHe'splowin'blindfoldedwhich,forafarmer,wouldbeveryirrationalbehavior. IRRESISTIBLEAsacanonasidewalkyoujustcan'tresistkickingit IRRETRIEVABLEYoucan'tgetwordsbackonceyou'vespit'emoutyoucan'tgetthecigarbackonceyou'vesmokedityoucan'tgetbackspitfromthe ocean IRRITATEDSomethinggoredhisox. ISTHATRIGHT?.(Zatright?) ISN'TIT(Idinit) ITALIAN(EYEtalyun) ITCHINGLikeIspentthenightinabedofchiggers IT'SOVERYoucanpulldowntheshades'causethereain'tnuthin'leftfortheneighborstoseeElvishasleftthebuilding

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JK JEANS,TIGHTherjeansweresotightIcouldhardlybreathe

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J
JAILThecrossbarhotel JALAPENOPEPPER(halapeenya)Mexicanbulletnapalmseedsthedevil'sstrawberries JANITORFloorflusher JEALOUSMANHiswifehastobringhomeanotefromthepreachertoproveshewenttochurchalonetheonlytimehetrustshiswifetogooutwiththegirlsis whenshetakesaGirlScouttroopcampinghetrustshiswifeaboutasfarashecouldthrowababygrandpianohe'sbeenbitbythegreeneyedmonster,whichis atermShakespeareusedtodescribejealousythatbecameafavoriteamongcountryfolksforsomereason JEALOUSWOMANIfyouwenthometoherwithahaironyourcoat,youbetterhaveahorsetomatchsomeonewhositsupwithherimaginationwhenher husbandisoutonthetownshewouldn'ttrustherhusbandifhewasinsolitaryconfinementinaMexicanjail JEANS,TIGHTHerjeansweresotight,Icouldhardlybreatheifshegetsgoosebumpsshe'llbustsomeseamsherjeansaresotighttheylookliketheywereput onwithanairbrush.Theprecedingcanalsobeusedfortightdresses,tightshorts,ortightsweaters.Also,herjeansweresotightshehadtocarryherhandkerchiefin hermouthshewearsjeanssotightthatifsheeverdropsherpurse,shehastowalkoffandleaveit'causeshecan'tbendovertopickitup JEOPARDYSeeDoubleJeopardy JILTEDSeeFemale,JiltedorMale,Jilted JIMSONWEEDCowlily JOB,BIGIlackedonehandofbeingabletodoit,whichmeansitwasmorethanatwohandjob.

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JOB,UNFINISHEDAllIgotoutofhimwasaninchofcordwoodandanounceofcornshucks,whichmeanshedidn'tfinishchopin'thewoodandhedidn'tshuck alltheCorn. JOININAdogenjoysthehuntalotmoreifhedoessomeofthebarkin'takeaseatonthebusandgoalongforthetripgrabaknifeanddosomeskinningbait ahookanddropyourlinein JOKE,FUNNYArealkneeslapperarealhooterIain'tlaughedthatmuchsincegrandmagotherhaircaughtinthewringer JOKE,OLDThefirsttimeIheardthatIlaughedsohardIkickedaslatoutofmycrib. JUDGE,POORHelet's'emgofasterthanthelawcancatch'em. JUDGEMENTDon'tjudgeamanbyhisarrowsbutbyhowheshootsthemdon'tjudgeawomanbythesizeofherbiscuitsbutbyhowtheytasteyoucan'tjudge amanoracarbythesoundofthehorn JUDGEMENT,DELAYEDDon'tjudgethecooktillyouseehowhehandlestheheatinthekitchen. JUDGEMENT,POORYou'reswingingatawaspnestwitharealshortstickhe'sonlygothogsense,whichisseveralshadesworsethanhorsesense JUKEBOXAnoarmedbandit.Aslotmachineisaonearmedbanditbutatleastyouhaveaslimchanceofwinningsomethingwhenyoudropyourmoneyintothe slot.Withajukebox,youmightgetadancebutyouhavenochancetogetyourmoneybackifyoudon't. JUMPSLikeacockroachonahotgriddlelikeadownedhighlinewirelikeanarmadillo.Whenanarmadilloisfrightenedhisnaturalinstinctistojumpfirstand thenstartrunning.Whencrossingtheroad,ifanarmadilloisscaredbyacar,hejumpsstraightup,whichiswhymostarekilledbyabumperorgrillratherthanby beingrunover. JUMPEDONMEAfriendsaidhewasonceinahonkytonkinSouthTexaswhenhenoticedanattractiveyoungladywalkinthedoor.Hemadesomecomment abouttheladytotheol'boysittin'onthenextstoolwhoturnedouttobethelady'shusband.'Thatol'countryboy,"said

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myfriend,"jumpedonmesoquickIthoughtIwasunderabridgethathadcollapsed." JURYTwelvepeoplewhodecidewhohadthebestlawyeronethingthatdon'tworkrightwhenfixed JUSTREWARDHegotwhatwascomin'tohim. JUSTICEIfyou'regonnaputagooseontrialdon'tputcoyotesonthejury.

K
KEEPACTIVEIfyourpot'sboilingtheflieswon'tcomearoundkeepyourplowmovingit'sbettertowearoutthantorustout KEEPALERTNeverapproachabullfromthefront,ahorsefromtherear,orafoolfromanydirectionkeepaweathereyepeeled KEEPQUIETTheonlytimeawhalegetsharpoonediswhenhe'sspoutingoffitain'tthewhistlethatpullsthetrainsodon'tbloworbrag KEEPSTILLPretendyou'reinacoma. KEEPTHEFAITHKeepyourdauberupandyourdanderdown. KEEPTRYINGAnothertryisbetterthananalibiyougottastartfromscratchandkeeponscratchingit'sOKtogiveoutbutdon'tnevergiveinasteamkettle keepssingingeventhoughitisuptoitsneckinhotwater KEEPUPPackyourbacksidewithpowderandfireyourselfonupherewiththerestofus. KEEPYOURCOMPOSUREWhateveryoudo,neverlet'emseeyousweat. KEEPYOURMOUTHSHUTEverytimethecowbawls,shelosesamouthfulofhay. KEEPSAKESomethingyouneverearmarkforagaragesale KEROSENECoaloil

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KIDDED,BIGTIMEHepulledmylegplumboutofthesocket. KILLERHedon'tbelieveinlifeafterbirthhehasagunfighter'smentalityfuneralmaker KILLINGTIMEJustgrazing KIND,BUTDUMBHe'swholeheartedbuthalfwitted. KINDHEARTEDShe'dbuycrutchesforalameduckshehasaheartassoftassummerbutter KINDLINGLighterwood KINDNESSThemilkofhumankindnessnevercurdles. KISSSwapspitorslobberasin''Quick,getmethemouthwash'causethedogjustswappedslobberwithme"mouthfullofnothingthattastesgoodandsoundslike anoldmilkcowpullingherfootoutofamudbogSeealsoIncomplete KISS,LONGItwaswetenoughtowateraShetlandpony. KISS,QUICKAYankeedime,whichisaboutallaYankeegirl'skisswouldbeworthtomostsouthernboys. KISSINGIslikegettingpicklesoutofanewjaronceyougetthefirstonetherestareeasyremember,kissingdon'tlastbutcookingdoes KLEPTOMANIACHehelpshimselfbecausehecan'thelphimselfhe'dstealthegoldoutofhisownteeth KNICKKNACKAfeatherdustertargetdofunniesdohickies KNIFEFIGHTVICTIMAcoronerwasonceaskedhowmanytimesamanhadbeenstabbed.Hereplied,"Ihaven'tcountedthemyetbutI'lltellyouthis.He'sgot somanyholesinhimthatyoucouldstickagardenhosedownhisthroatandusehimforalawnsprinkler."SeealsoBloody KNIFE,DULLIfthebladewasbigenough,yourkidscoulduseitforastickhorseandnotgetcut. KNIFE,LARGEAnArkansastoothpick KNIFE,SHARPYoucouldusetheshadowofthebladetoshavewithit'ssosharpwhenItookitoutofthesheaththeshadowofthebladecutalegoffthe kitchentable

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KNIFE,SMALLApplepeelerabubblegumknife,whichisareferencetothesmalltoyknivesthatwereonceprizesinbubblegummachinesingeneralstores KNIFE,SWITCHBLADEAMexicanexpresscard.Thissayingprobablyoriginatedbecause,althoughswitchbladekniveshavebeenoutlawedinmostofthe UnitedStates,theycanstillbepurchasedinMexicanbordertownssouthofCaliforniaandTexas. KNOCKEDDOWNHewentdownlikeapowerlineinahurricaneorascarecrowinawhirlwind. KNOWSOMEONEThebestwaytoknowsomeoneistofindoutwhatmakeshimmad. KNOWYOURWORTHEveryol'sausageknowsifhewasmadefromahogoradog. KNOWINGWITHOUTDOINGIslikeplowingwithoutsowing KNOWLEDGEABLEHeknowsenoughtokeephismouthshutwhenhe'suptohischininapileofmanureheknowsmoreaboutthatthanhedoesaboutthe backofhishandhe'spigsmart,whichmeansheknowsalotabouthowpigswork.Youcansubstitutehorse,cow,sheep,ostrich,orjustaboutanythingforpig.Do not,however,substitutewoman'causethereisn'tanysuchthingasamanwhoknowsalotabouthowawomanworks.SeealsoCommonKnowledge

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L LOVEislikelightning,it'sasapttostrikeanouthouseasitisamansion

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L
L.A.LosAngelestosome,LowerAlabamatomanycountryboys LADIESMAN,SUCCESSFULSomeballteamoughttosignhim'causeheneverstrikesouthecouldpickupagirlevenifhewasinabodycasthe'ssown morewildoatsthanallthefarmersinKansascombined LAKEAfisherman'sfarm LAMBFRIESSeeCalfFriesandBraveAs LAND,DRYSodrywehadtobuydehydratedwateratthe7Elevenhadtoputonpostagestampswithpaperclipsittakestwentyyearsforanailtorustit's sodrytheonlytimeweseerainiswhentheyshowpicturesofitontelevisionamaninWestTexasswearsthatoneyearitwassodrythatwhenitfinallydidrainhe hadthreeandahalfinchesofmudinhisraingaugeSeealsoDrought LAND,FERTILEYoucouldplantabeercanandgrowaJapanesecaryoucouldplantcowchipsandgrowaherdoflonghorncattleyoucouldplantawhisper andgrowarumorchickenshavetocatchthecornontheflyorwaitandeatitoffthestalkinadayortwo LAND,FLATYoucouldstandonatunafishcanandseeanother100milesaway.TherearesomeplacesinWestTexaswheretheyclaimtheycanstandona tomatocanandseeanotheroneinKansas. LAND,POORYou'dhavetoputfertilizeraroundthebottomofapoletoraiseaflagsobaditcouldn'tstartagoodcussfighttworedheadedwomenwouldn't evenfightoverityoucouldn'traiseyourvoiceonitthatpieceofgroundissosorrytheonlythingthatevergetsraisedonitistaxes,implyingthattaxesareraised onworthlesslandaswellasgoodland

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LAND,RICHThislandissorichwecan'tshipanythingtoanothercounty'causetheseedsrefusetoleave. LAND,STEEPOurlandwassosteepwecouldlookupthechimneyandwatchthecowscomehome. LARDPigsalve LARGEPERSONSeeFemale,LargeMale,Large LASVEGASYougetbetteroddsbyputtingyourmoneyinatoilet,flushingit,andhopingtheplumbingisstoppedup. LASTSFOREVERThatlastsaslongasanexhusband.Ahusbandlastsaslongasthemarriagebutanexhusbandlastsforever.(Alsoholdstrueforanexwife.) LAUGHHARDEnoughtobustaguthardenoughtoshakeatonsilloosefromtheroots LAWSUITSomethingyougointoasapigandcomeoutofassausageapoorcountryboycaughtbetweentwocityattorneysinalawsuitislikeafishcaught betweentwohungrycats LAWYERAtwoleggedsharkaprofessionalliartheonlydifferencebetweenadeadlawyerlayingontheroadandadeadpossumlayingontheroadisskid marksinfrontofthepossumhisbreadandbutterisyourmiseryheclimbstheladderofsuccesswrongbywrongalawyerissomeonewhotakessixmonthsto getsomethingstartedthatmighttakeyou10yearstolifetofinishthemorelawyersinvolved,thelongerthecaseislikeawagonwheel,hehastobegreasedto workislikeafrog,whatain'tbellyismouthsomethingyoucan'tliveordiewithoutoneoflife'smysteriesiswhathappenstolawyerswhentheydie?Theycan't getintoheavenandthedevilwon'ttake'em'causeheknowsthey'dtakeover.Maybethat'swhyyouseesomanyoldlawyersaround. LAWYER,DEDICATEDHe'swillingtospendeverydollaryoucanbeg,borrow,orstealtoproveyouhaveacase. LAWYER,EXPERIENCEDHe'sbeenthroughmorebriefsthanaBVDinspectorhecouldfindaloopholeinthetencommandments LAWYER,GOODIfIorderedatrainloadof

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lawyersandhewastheonlyonethatgotoffI'dbesatisfiedgoodlawyersarelikekneesonabowleggedcowboy,they'refewandfarbetween LAWYER,POORHecanhaveyourspeedingticketreducedtoachargeofmanslaughterthinkshe'sdressedupwhenhegetsapaternitysuit LAWYER,PROMISCUOUSHespendsmoretimetakingoffhisbriefsthanhedoeswritingthem. LAWYERRELATIONSTheonlytimeyoushouldcallalawyerisintoaburningbuilding. LAZYANDCAUTIOUSHeknowshardworkneverkilledanyonebuthedon'twanttoriskbeingthefirstvictim. LAZYBUTLIKEABLEHe'sagoodolddogbuthewon'thuntalick. LAZYMANHe'ssolazy,ifhishousecaughtonfirehe'dgooutsideandprayforraininsteadoftryingtoputitouthewouldn'tmoveifthehogswereeatin'his bootsandhewaswearing'emhewon'tevenshoofliesoffwatermelonhe'dtrytopickupagirlonanotherman'swhistlehe'ssolazy,hisselfwindingwatch stoppedtheonlytimeheliftsweightiswhenhestandsuphehiredsomeoneelsetocourthisgirlheonlygoesthrougharevolvingdoorifsomeoneelsepushesif hisshipcameinhewouldn'tbothertounloadittheonlythinghedoesfastisgettiredhisfeetcangotosleeprunningforthebusifhardworkisthekeyto success,he'dratherpickthelockthebrightspotinhislifeisontheseatofhispantshewouldn'thitalickatasnakeatawomen'sgardenpartyhe'sashade follower,whichmeanswhenhe'ssittinginhisrockingchairoutontheporch,asthemovementofthesunchangesthepositionoftheshade,hemoveshischairsoheis alwaysintheshadehe'ssatintherockingchairsolongtheshadowofhisarmhaswornaholeinthecarpettheonlytimeheworkshisfingerstotheboneiswhen he'seatin'porkchopsanelectricchaircouldn'tjumpstarthim LAZYWOMANShe'ssolazyshedon'tevenshaveher

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legs.Shejustspreadsicecreamon'emandletsthecatslickitoffshe'ssolazyshekeepshittin'thesnoozealarmonherbiologicalclocksheevenwashesdishesin bedshewon'tevenexercisediscretiontheonlyexerciseshegetsisjumpingtoconclusionsshe'llneverdie'causeitwouldtaketoomuchenergytodrawherlast breathshe'ssolazy,shewouldn'tsayshooifthegoatsgotintothelivingroomandstartedeatin'thecarpetshethinksshe'sinahenhouse'causeallshedoesislay around LEADERBigduckinthepuddlebigbuzzardonthecarcass LEAKSThatholdswaterlikeacrochetedhandkerchiefholdssnot. LEAVEWhydon'tyoulaydowntracksinthedirectionofoutahere?runaroundthebarnthreetimesandcomebacktwicecutaholeinthewind LEAVEHIMALONEDon'tcrossswordswithhimdon'tlockhornswithhim LEAVEITALONELeaveitbedon'tevertrytofixaclockthat'skeepin'goodtime,whichisavariationofthepopular"Don'tfixitifitain'tbroke." LEAVEMEALONEDon'tcrankmymotorunlessyouwanttoseeitrunnin'whydon'tyougorunupastump? LEAVINGI'moutahereI'mofflikeadirtyshirt(orpromdress) LEFTHOMEHejumpedoutofthenest. LEFTFASTHetookofflikeagooseinahailstormheheadedforthetalltimbersinashorttime LEGS,THINYououghttosuethoselegsfornonsupport,whichiswhatDenvercoachDanReevesoncesaidtoteammateDonMeredithlookslikehetradedlegs withakilldee(orstork)andgottheshortendofthedeal LEMONADE,SOURThatwouldevenmakethepitcherpucker LETEVERYONEKNOWPutitrightoutonthefrontporch.Inthecountry,housesareoftenfewandfarbetweensowhenyoupassahouse,youalmostalways glanceatthefrontporch.Anythingonthatfrontporchwouldbeseenbyeveryonewhopasses.

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LETSOMEONEELSEDOITLetsomebodyelsecatchthesnakes. LET'SDISCUSSITLet'shoethatrowIgotacrowtopickwithyou LEVELHEADEDHe'ssolevelheadedhehastobaccojuicerunnin'outofbothsidesofhismouth. LIAR,FEMALEShehastosendthedogstobringthekidshome'causetheydon'tbelieveherwhenshecalls'emshethinkstruthislikeagirdle,madetobe stretchedshetellssuchbigliesshehasstretchmarksaroundhermouthallherblanketsarestretchedplumboutofshape,whichisderivedfromthesayingthatto lieisto"stretchtheblanket"SeealsoFemale,Lying LIAR,MALEHebelievesthattruthisscarcesohedon'twanttouseitupheneverletsthetruthstandinthewayofagoodstoryhetellsthetruthaboutasoften asanArizonaprospectorhe'sapointblanktaleteller,whichmeanshe'lllierighttoyourfacehe'dtellalieevenifthetruthsoundedbetterhe'dratherclimbatall treeandtellalieinthesunshinethantositintheshadeandtellthetruththeonlytimehetellsthetruthiswhenheadmitshe'saliaryoucantellifhe'slyingifhislips aremovinghe'ssuchabigliarhewouldhavebeenrightathomeinlawschoolifheevertoldthetruthhistonsilswouldbesoshockedthey'dslapthetongueright outofhismouthhecantalkoutofbothsidesofhismouthandtellliesfromeachside,whichishowHarryTrumanoncedescribedRichardNixonthebiggestliar everrecordedwasthegolfplayingfishermanwhogaveuphislawpracticetogotocongressandlaterretiredtobecomeausedcarsalesman LIE,BIGIoncemetanhonestfisherman.Note:politician,lawyer,orjoggermaybesubstitutedforfisherman.Inactualpractice,joggersmaybethebiggestliar'sof alltime,especiallywhensomeoneasksthemhowfartheyran. LIESTherearethreekindsoflies:lies,damnlies,andChamberofCommercestatistics. LIFEIslikeasuitcase,ifyoucramenoughintoitsomethinghastogiveis

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likesquaredancingaboutthetimeyougetintotheswingofthings,someonechangesdirectionsonyouislikeapokergameifyoudon'tputanythingintothepot, therewon'tbeanythingtotakeoutislikeridingabicycleyoueithergooryougetoffissomethingthatistooshortandtoofullofblisters LIFE,BORINGIfitwasn'tforGamblersAnonymous,AlcoholicAnonymous,andWeightWatchers,hewouldn'thavenothingtodo. LIGHT(WEIGHT)Asamotherinlaw'sbaggagewhenshe'smovingout LIGHTAMATCHStrikeamatchscratchamatchSeealsoZipper LIKEFATHER,LIKESONFruitdon'tfallfarfromthetree. LIKELYTOLibelto,asin"Ifyourwifecatchesyoudrinkin'anymorebeershe'slibeltosnatchyoubaldheaded." LIMITEDCAPABILITIESHisponyonlyknowsonetrick. LIMPAsaneckwrungturkey LIPS,ATTRACTIVESeeMouth,Female LIPSTICKPuckerpaint LIPSTICKSMEARSAleadingcauseofpowderburns LIQUORBottledcouragegutwarmersnakeoilwildmare'smilkstomachvarnishSeealsoWhiskey LIQUOR,JUSTRIGHTIfitwasanybetteryouwouldn'tagivenittomeandifitwasanyworseIwouldn'tadrunkit. LIQUOR,STRONGThatstuffwouldmakeanearthwormbiteacatfish.SeealsoWhiskey,StrongandFisherman,Clever LIQUOR,WEAKIt'sgotthekickofa75yearoldpregnantchorusgirl. LITTERThere'satowninKansasthatissostrictaboutlitterthatyoucangeta$50finefortellingadirtyjoke. LIVESCLOSETheyjustliveahowdyandahalfawaydowntheroadjustahop,skip,andajumpfromherejustahootandaholleraway LIVESTOCK,LACKINGIain'tevengotascapegoat.

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LIVINGWITHOUTFAITHIslikedrivinginafogallthetime LOAFERHegetshisexercisewatchingothersdotheworkthemanwholooksforeasyworkgoestobedalltiredfromlookinganexpertloaferisonewhodoes nothingbetterthananyoneelseSeealsoLazy LOBBYIST,GOODHecanmakeyoubelieveyouleftfiveminutesagoandwereneverthereinthefirstplace. LOCATION,GOODJerryGlanville,headcoachoftheFalcons,oncesaidofAtlanta,''Thisain'theavenbutyoucanseeheavenfromhere."Folksinplaceslike Texas,Colorado,California,etc.mightbecompelledtopointoutthattheyhavejustasgoodaviewofheavenasGlanvilledoesinAtlanta. LOGGERSFlatheads LONELINESSMakesfriendsoutofstrangers LONESOMEAsanhomelygirlundermistletoe LONGAsaGeorgiawellrope. LONGLASTINGLastsaslongasanecktieyoudon'tlikeasascarfromavacination LONGWINDEDSeeSpeaker,LongWinded LONGTIMEInacoon'sage,asin"Iain'tbeentotheGrandol'Opryinacoon'sage"longerthanawetweek.Nothingseemslongerthanwhenitrainsconstantly foranentireweek,especiallytothemotheroffive. LONGTIMEBETWEENKISSESThegreatMinniePearlmayhavesaiditbestwith,"Ihaven'tbeenkissedinsolongIdon'trememberifyousuckyourbreathin orletitout." LONGJOHNUNDERWEARLonghandles LOOK,MEANShelookedatmelikeIhadjusttrackedhorsemanure(orfishguts)acrosshercleanfloor. LOOK,SWEETYoucouldpouritonabiscuit LOOKEVERYWHERELookalloverhellandhalfofGeorgia. LOOKSSeeAppearance LOOKINGFORTROUBLEHe'scampaigningforabuttkicking.

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LOOSEAsthehideonaBrahmabull.Inarodeo,Brahmasareusuallyhardtoride,notonlybecausetheyaremeanbutbecausetheirskinissolooseitishardto holdontoinanemergency.Oneol'rodeoridersoughttosolvetheproblemwhenhewalkedintothearenacarryin'ahammerandsomeshinglenails.Whenasked whatheintendedtodo,thecowboyreplied,'I'mnailingthatcritter'shideinplacesoI'llknowifI'msittin'onhisbackorhangin'ontohisbelly." LOSERHe'slikethecowthatwentdry,anudderfailurehegotthesmallendofthehornwhichisareferencetotherebeingverylittleinthesmallendoftheHorn ofPlentyhecameupemptyhandedhegotleftholdin'theemptysackhestartedslowandtaperedoffhewasintheouthousewhenopportunityknockedonthe frontdoorofhishousewhenopportunityknockedhewasouthuntingforafourleafcloverhehadLasVegassurgeryandhe'sgotthescarsonhisbankaccountto proveithestruckoutbeforeheevencameuptobathegotthrowedbeforethehorsestartedbucking. LOSINGPROPOSITIONYou'refeedingalostdog,whichmeansyou'lllosethefeedandthedogwhenhisownershowsup. LOSINGGROUNDThefasterIgo,thebehinderIget. LOSINGWEIGHTHelookslikehe'sevaporatingshe'sfallin'awaytonuthin' LOSTJoeHoistedofWBAPradioinFortWorth,Texassaiditbestwhenheexplainedhewas"lostasanouthouseinthefog"asaturtleatthebottomofabarrel ofmolassesasagooseinasnowstormasanEastereggasanickeldownaGeorgiawell LOSTCAUSEYoucan'tgetbloodoutoftheheartofawatermelon. LOSTCONTROLHecomeapartliketheseamsinafatman'spants. LOSTHISTEMPERFlewoffthehandle,whichisacountryequivalentto"wentballistic." LOUISIANA(Luzyannah)Coonassstate LOVEIslikemeasles,thelateritcomestheworseitis

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islikelightning,it'sasapttostrikeanouthouseasamansionislikethemorningdew,it'sjustasapttobeonacowpattyasonacactusroseconquersallthings exceptpovertyandarealbadtoothache LOVE,DEVOUTGradeApasteurizedpassion LOVE,TRUEIslikeacircle,ithasnoend LOVERSADVICENevermakelovebythegardengateloveisblindbuttheneighborsain't. LOWAsasnake'snavelinadeepwagontrackasamole'snavelondiggin'day LOWDOWNPERSONHecouldwearatengallonhatandwalkunderanarmadillo. LUCK,TURNINGEverythingwasgoinggoodbutthey'regettin'backtonormal. LUCKYHecouldsitonafenceandthebirdswouldfeedhimifhefellfacedowninafreshcowpattyhe'dfindadiamondringwhenhewashedhisfaceherelies onarabbit'sfootinsteadofhorsesenseifyou'vegotenoughluckyoucangetbywithbarbedwireforbrainshe'sgotallhissquirrelsuponetreehecouldthrow marblesintoaswingingjug LUCKY,EXTREMELYHecouldfallintothesquatholeinanouthouseandcomeoutsmellinglikeaBeaumontwhorehecouldskinnydipinaseptictankand endupsmellingsweeterthanfreshmowedgrasstherearemanyvariationsofthisthemeandoneofthebestwasinHandyasHipPocketsonaHogbyDonald ChainBlack.Underfortunate,whichisthesameasluckytoacountryboy,Mr.Blackwrote,"HecouldfallthroughatoiletholeandcomeoutsmellinglikeEveningin Paris."

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Thisspaceisforyourfavoritesayings.

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M MALE,LARGEhisovercoatcouldbeapuptentforaboyscouttroop

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M
MADHe'ssomadhecan'tspitstraightenoughtokickthecatSeealsoAngryMale,AngryFemale,Angry MADELOVETheywenttothepeapatch.SeealsoRelated,SortOf MADEMONEYGotwell,asin"Hegotwellinthehogbusiness." MAKEACHOICEYoucan'tsellyourcowandhavethemilktoopickoneoutoftheherd MAKEITEASIERSugarthepill. MAKEITQUICKShortstrokeittaketheslackoutofit MAKEPEACEDon'tstirthefirewithasword. MAKEROOMScootchoveralittlebit. MAKETHEJOBEASIERPutthehaydownclosertothegroundsothegoatscangetatit. MAKEUPYOURMINDDon'tprayforrainifyou'regonnacomplainaboutthemudfish,cutbait,orswimtoshore MALEOldhairylegsamanislikeawatermelon,youcan'ttellhowgoodheistillyouthumphimamanisseldomassmartashismotherthinksorasdumbashis motherinlawthinks MALE,ACTIVEHe'sgottumbleweedsinhisblood,whichbasicallymeanshejustcan'tsitstill. MALE,ANGRYHe'sfightin'withhishat.Alotofcountryboyswilloccasionallygetsoangrythatthey'lltakeofftheirhatandwaveitinallsortsofmotions.They mighthittheground,theirknee,afence,orevenwhoeverthey'retalkin'towiththehat.Inanyevent,whenacountryboystartsfightin'withhishat,he'sgettin'real angryandaboutreadytostartfightin'withfistsorfirearms.he'dmakean

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untippedNewYorkcabdriverlooklikeaBaptistchoirboyhehadafitandfellinithewasfittobetiedhe'sbentplumboutofshapehecameonlikeamad fatherwithaloadedshotgunsomethinggothimcrosslegged MALE,EFFEMINATEHe'sgotalittlesugarinhisblood. MALE,EVILHeprefersvicetoadvicehewouldchaseoffawidowwoman'sduckshe'stheoneyourmammawarnedyouabouthe'dstealtheairoutofa widowwoman'stireswhenhe'salonehe'sinbadcompanyhe'satriggerlookingforafingernothingwrongwithhimthatreincarnation(orcremation)wouldn't curewhenhedies,they'llprinthisobituaryunderPublicImprovementshe'dmakeClydeBarrowlooklikeaBaptistchoirboySeeFemale,Evil MALE,FATHe'samemberofthesprawloffamehe'swellwateredhisovercoatcouldbeatentforaboyscouttroopSeealsoFatMan MALE,HARDHEARTEDIfheatehisheartouthe'dbreakatooth. MALE,JEALOUSSeeJealousMan MALE,JILTEDWhenshetookhimbythehandhethoughtshewastakin'himbytheheartbutshewasonlytakin'himforafool(whichsurelyoughttobethename ofcountrysong). MALE,LARGEHe'slargeenoughtobeaquartethe'ssobigittakesacommitteeoffivetolookhimoverthequestionmostpeopleaskhimis"Wheredidyou putFayRay?"he'sasbigasaJohnDeeregangplowhe'sbigenoughtohuntabearwithastickthelasttimeIsawanythingthatbigithadabulldogonthehood. Incaseyoudon'tknow,Macktrucksuseabulldoghoodornamentonalltheirtrucks. MALE,LARGEANDMEANHecouldbethebouncerinthedevil'ssaloon. MALE,LIARSeeLiar,Male MALE,LAZYSeeLazyMan MALE,MEANSeeMeanMan MALE,PROMISCUOUSHe'slikearealestateinvestor,hebelievesingettin'lotswhileyou'reyoungwhenthewagesofsinarepaid,he'llhavetopay

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timeandahalftheonlypeoplewhoknowhe'smarriedaretheoneswhowereattheweddingyoucanfindhimintheyellowpagesunderrecreationalfacilitieshe hasalltheresistanceofawillowtreeinahurricane MALE,ROWDYHe'drathertalksometrashthancarryoutthetrash. MALE,SHORTWhenhestandsuphelookslikehe'sstandinginahole. MALE,SKINNYHe'ssothinyoucanhearhisbonesrattlewhenhewalkshecouldtakeashowerinafountainpenhe'ssothin,hismuscleslooklikefleabites onacanepoleyoucouldusehimforadipstick MALE,SORRYHe'samanwithoutprinciplesohedon'tdrawmuchinterest. MALE,STUPIDTheonlytimeyou'llfindhiminaninstitutionofhigherlearningisifheshowsupasatestbodyinananatomyclasssomeofthelightsinhisstring areburntouthisbrainontheedgeofarazorbladewouldlooklikeaBBonaninterstatehighwayifbrainsweregasoline,hecouldn'trunanant'smotorcycle aroundacherrypitcouldmessupatwocarfuneralhe'saforthrightpersonhe'srightaboutafourthofthetimehedon'tknowthedifferencebetweenworking upsteamandgeneratingfoghecouldteacharocktobedumbusedhisfoodstampstomailaletterfoodforthoughtgiveshimindigestionheforgothistwin sister'sbirthdaySeealsoStupidMan MALE,UGLYHe'ssouglyhecouldn'tgetadateifhewasshipwreckedonaislandfulloflonelywomenhe'ssouglyonlyhismothercouldlovehimandthenonly onpaydaycouldscarenightintodayhecouldsourmilkinthecartonifhebrokehisleg,we'dhavetoshoothimifuglywasacrime,he'dbeingdoinglife withoutparolehecouldkillwaisthighcottonSeealsoUglyMan MALE,AGEAmanisasyoungasthewomanhefeels. MANIPULATIVEHecanplayyoulikea$50fiddle. MANNERS,GOODHecanyawnwithhismouthclosed. MANNERS,POORHe'dpassgaswhenhewasplayingthefrontendinsideahorsecostume.

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MANURESomethingthatmakescropsandthegovernmentgrowsomethingyoufindundertheouthouseandintheWhiteHouse MARITALADVICEFORHERWhenshesaid"Ido"shesaidtoomuchitisbettertobuyagoodhorsethantomarryaman'causeatleastyouknowthehorse won'tturnintoajackassahusbandislikeafireinacookstove,hegoesoutifunattendedwearshowswherethewifestandsandthehusbandsitsmarryanugly man.Hewon'tleaveyou'causehecan'tdoanybetter. MARITALADVICEFORHIMMarryanuglywoman.She'llleaveyoubutyouwon'tmindmuchmarryawomanwithbrainsenoughfortwoandyou'llcome outaboutevennevertrytodrownyourtroublesifshecanswimthehusbandwhotreatshiswifelikeathoroughbredwillfindshedon'tturnintoanagawifeis likeabaseballumpire,shedon'tthinkyou'resafewhenyou'reoutahusbandcontrolshiswifelikeabarometercontrolstheweatherapoormanwhomarriesarich womangetsabossinsteadofawifeSeealsoThreeR's MARITALRELATIONSIt'sabigproblemthatcan'tbesolvedinadoublebedasuccessfulmarriageislikeeatingwithchopsticks,itlookseasytillyoutryit MARKSMANAnexpertattriggernometry MARRIAGEForbetterorworsemeansforgoodstopsyourcirculationfasterthanatourniquetonasnakebitealifesentencethatcanbesuspendedbybad behaviorliketakingahotbath,onceyougetusedtoit,itain'tsohottheyweremarriedbyajudgebutshouldhaveheldoutforajuryislikefarming,youhaveto startoveragaineverymorningifyouwanttobesuccessfulmarriageistheleadingcauseofdivorcemarriageisthedifferencebetweenpaintingthetownandthe backporch MARRIAGE,PERFECTAdeafmanandablindwoman MARRIED,OFTENShe'sbeenmarriedsomanytimesshehasricescars. MARRIEDMANHemaynotbethebestinformed,butheisthemostinformed.

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MASSCONFUSIONTheblindleadingtheblindlikeaherdofmulesinahailstormthreelawyersandonecaselikeasuddenshoweronaneatofftheground churchsocial,nooneknowswhethertostaydryorsavethefood MATCH,POORTheygotogetherlikemustardandpancakestheygotogetherlikescotchandDrPepper MATERNITYBLOUSEHatchingjacketaslipcover MATHEMATICIAN,POORTohim,it'sfourofoneandhalfadozenoftheotherhecountsrealgoodtillherunsoutoffingersandtoes MEANASAbitin'muleasanAlabamawildcatasatwostingeredyellowjacketasarattlesnakewithaheadacheasaLouisianaalligatorwithagumboil MEANMANHe'smeanenoughtopitchhisbathwateronawidowwoman'skindlinghecanraisemorehellthananalligatorinadrainedswampifhewentdeaf hewouldn'ttellhisbarberhewasbaptizedinvinegargiventhechancehewouldarootedforGoliathhe'dputarattlesnakeinyourpocketandthenaskyoufora matchhe'dstealthelightbulbfromtheporchlampatanorphanageJerryBrooks'favoriteis"He'dtakethemanureawayfromatumblebugandsendhimonthe wrongroadhome." He'dflushthetoiletwhenyou'reintheshower.Ifyourshowerandyourtoiletoperateoffthesamefeederpipesasmostfacilitiesdo,thenyouhaveonlyonehotwater pipeandonecoldwaterpipesupplyingyourentirebathroom.Ifyouareintheshowerenjoyingwaterthatisbalancedjustrightbetweenhotandcoldandsome dastardlypersonflushesthetoilet,youareinbigtroubleandleftsinginginwaterthat'sbecomescaldinghot. Also,ifhewasbaptizedallthefishinthecreekwoulddie.WhenSamHouston,formergovernorofTennesseeandTexas,wasbaptizedhewastoldthatallhissins hadbeenwashedaway.Hereplied,"Lordhelpthefishesdownbelow." MEANWOMANIfshedied,everyonewouldrestinpeaceshemakesaGeorgiajunkyarddoglooklikeaminiatureFrenchpoodleina

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NewYorkdogshowahurricanewithtwoeyessheevenwhipsherhusbandwhilehe'sdoingthedishesshe'dsendagetwellcardtoahypochondriacthecake shebakedtoleaveforSantaClauswasmadewithExLax MEAN,BUTSTUPIDHe'dtakeaknifetoagunfight. MEANINGLESSThatandahalfabuckwillgetyouacupofcoffeeaswartsonahogsbellyasastripteasetoablindmanthatdon'tamounttoanymorethan whatthelittlebirdleftontopoftheflagpole MEASUREMENT,DOUBTFULIbelievethatwasmeasuredbyapeltwiththetailstillon.Whenpurchasingpeltsbythepound,thetailsarenormallyremoved beforetheskinsareweighed.Ifthetailsarelefton,themeasurementisnotanywhereneartrue. MEAT,RARESeeRareMeat MECHANIC,POORHetreatsyourcarwithsunshine,whichmeanshebasicallyleavesitparkedoutsideforseveralhourshopingtheproblemwillgoaway. MECHANICALAPTITUDE,POORHehastoavoidawheelbarrow'causehedon'tknownothingaboutmachinery. MEETINGAdogandponyshow MEETING,DISASTROUSWehadadogandponyshowbutthedogweteverywhereandtheponydidn'tknowanytricks. MELTSLikeachocolateEasterbunnyonapickupdashboardlikeasnowballonthedevil'sprong MEMORIALSERVICEAgoingawaypartyforsomeonewhohasalreadygone MEMORY,POORHecouldhidehisownEastereggshecan'tremembernamesbuthealwaysforgetsfaceshecan'tevenremembertheAlamohecan'teven rememberthefirstgirlhekissedhismemoryisshorterthanachigger'seyebrow MENMostmenarelikebarbedwiretheyhavetheirgoodpoints.SeealsoMale MERCYSeeAtHisMercy MIDDLEAGETheagewhenyou'dratherskipanightatthehonkytonkthan

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havetogetoveritthenextdaywhenanarrowwaistandabroadmindswapplaceswhenyoulosemorehairintheshowerthanyoudointhebarber'schair whenyouractionscreaklouderthanwordswhenyourfavoritenightspotisonthecouchinfrontoftheTVwhenyouonlychasegirlswhoaregoingdownhillfor awoman,middleageiswhenmenstoppinchingandthegirdlestarts MILK,CANNEDAfavoriteamongcowboyswasonceCarnationmilkthatcameinacanandthuswouldnotsourquicklylikefreshmilk.Someunknownpoet summedupthefeelingsofmanycowboysaboutcannedmilkwiththislittlepoem:CarnationMilk,bestinthelandcomestoyouinalittleredcan.Notitstopull,no haytopitchjustpunchaholeinthesonofa...gun. MILKINGBurglarizingacowdrainingthespigotsflushin'acow MINDIslikeaparachute,itonlyworkswhenopen MINDYOUROWNBUSINESSBurnyourtongueinyourowncoffeeifitdon'tbotheryou,don'tbotheritnevergetbetweenadogandhisbonetendto yourownbees MISCONCEPTIONArustlerwho'sneverbeenchasedbyapossethinksit'shisrighttostealhethoughtshewashisbuthewashers MISERIfhespenttwoweeksinthemountainsofColorado,he'dsendyouapostcardwithapictureofthemotelswimmingpoolbecauseitwasfreehe'ssucha miser,whencompanypullsintothedriveway,hemakeseveryoneinthefamilygrabatoothpicksoit'lllookliketheyjustfinisheddinnerhe'smightytoughtolivewith buthe'sgonnamakeagreatancestorSeealsoCheapskateFrugal MISERABLEI'minaworldofmanure. MISGUIDEDYou'reintheupelevatorbutit'sontheTitanic. MISSISSIPPI(Missippe) MISSISSIPPIRIVERTheBigMuddy MISSOURI(Mazurah) MISTAKEAnyonecanmakeamistakebutitisalways

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someoneelsewhomakesthedamnfoolmistakes. MISTAKE,COSTLYYoushotyourbesthuntingdog. MISTAKENYourcalfain'tsuckingtherightcowyou'redoin'atwostepandtheband'splayingawaltz MIXEDEMOTIONSDwight''Paddlefoot"Sloan,astarfootballplayerwiththeUniversityofArkansasinthe1930s,mayhavesaiditbest.WhenArkansas decidedtoleavetheSouthwestConferenceandjointheSoutheastConference,Sloan,likealotofArkansasfans,hadmixedemotions."It'slikeyourmotherinlaw drivingoffacliff,"hesaid,"inyourCadillac." MODESTShemakesherhusbandwearablindfoldwhentheyshowertogethershecan'teventellthenakedtruthshewon'twalkovergratesinthesidewalk 'causeshedon'tknowwhomightbedownthereshewouldn'twearpatentleathershoes'causeshe'safraidofwhatmightbeseeninthereflectionshewon'teven lookatthingswithanakedeye MONEYIslikeadrunk,thetighteritgets,themoreittalksisn'teverythingbuttakeitawayfromsomepeopleandthereain'tmuchlefttheonlyknowncurefor povertywhatgoesdownthedrainwhenSantacomesdownthechimney MONOGAMYSeeBigamy MOOCHERYou'llalwaysfindhimonthedockwhensomeoneelse'sshipcomesin. MOONSHINESwampdewhomemadelightningbottledlightningTennesseeteaquartjuice MOONSHINE,GOODYoucantastethefeetofthefarmhandthathoedthecornitwasmadefromIfyouaskacountryboyaboutthequalitiesofmoonshine, he'llprobablytellyoutotrythistest:gettwoglassesandfillonewithwaterandonewithmoonshine.Thendropalivewormintoeachglasstheworminthewater livesandtheworminthemoonshinedies.Themoral?Drinkmoonshineandyou'llneverhaveworms. MOONSHINE,POORPantherspit MORALS,POORHismoralsareaboutaslooseasthebowelsofaMexicantourist.

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MOSQUITOS,LARGEThemosquitosaroundherearesobigwecatch'eminmousetrapsit'sgotanicepickforanosethatcandrillthrougharawhideboot themosquitosaresolargeinTexasthatafishermanswearshekilledoneandfoundthreewoodticksonthebodywedon'tshootskeetweshootskeetersSeealso GetToWork MOTHERIfmammaain'thappy,ain'tnobodyhappythehandthatrocksthecradlewillalsoslaphellfireoutofyouifyougetonherbadside MOTHER,GOODShe'slikeanoldquilt,keepsthekidswarmbutdoesn'tsmotherthem. MOTHER,PROTECTIVEShesewednametagsintheclotheshersonworewhenheleftforthearmyshehasthelongestapronstringsinthecounty,which impliesthatherkidshavehavetroublegettin'untied MOTHERINLAW,EVILShehastoaddantifreezetoherpacemaker. MOTHERINLAW,LAZYIfitwasn'tforgivingdirectionsshewouldn'tgetanyexercise. MOTHERINLAWSANDWICHWarmtongue,coldshoulder MOTHERLYPATIENCEIsliketoothpasteinatube,itisneverquiteallgone MOUNTAINLAURELCalicobush MOUTHAholeunderyournosewherethefirewatergoesinandthecusswordscomeout MOUTH,FEMALEAfamousTexannamedBigFootWallaceoncesaidthatacertainyoungladyhadamouththatlooked"likeagashcutinajuicyripepeach." MOUTH,LARGEHismouthissolarge,ifitwasn'tforhisearsthetopofhisheadwouldlooklikeanislandhecansingaduetbyhimselflookslikeatorn pockethermouthissolargeshegetslipstickonherearswhenshesmilesthebiggerthemouth,thebetteritlooksclosed MOUTHFULDipperfull MOVESALOTWemovedsomuchwhenIwasakidthateverytimewestartedpacking,thechickenswouldlaydownandstickuptheirfeettobetied.Thiscame fromthedepressiondays

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whenfamiliesmovedoften.Usually,countryfolkshadchickensandtheywouldloadthemonthetruckwiththeirfeettied. MOVESSLOWLikeawomanenteringherthirtiesaboutasfastastheGreatNorthernglacierasadeadbeatfatherwritin'outachildsupportcheckhemoves soslowpigeonscouldroostonhishat MOVIE,FRIGHTENINGWouldmakethehaironaminkstolestandonend MOVIE,SADSeeSadMovie MOVINGFASTGinnin',asin"Hewasreallyginninwhenthesheriffgotafterhim." MUCHLESSLetalone,asin"Ican'taffordthehorse,letalonethefeed." MUDDYENOUGHTobogakitten MUDHOLELoblolly MULE,FASTYouhavetoyellwhoabeforeyouyellgiddyup. MULESENSEApproachamulethewayaporcupinemakesloves,slowandcareful. MUSICToawoman,thesweetestmusicisanotherwomanplayingsecondfiddle. MUSIC,GOODFootstompin'music,whichmeansitissogooditmakesyouwanttodanceevenifyou'dhavetouseawoodenchairforapartner. MUSIC,SLOWBucklepolishingmusic MUSICLOVERIfhehearsaprettygirlsinginginthebathtubheputshiseartothekeyholesheapplaudswhenherhusbandcomeshomesingingat4:00a.m. MUSICIAN,GOODHecanplaybothkindsofmusic,countryandwestern. MUSICIAN,POORShadetreemusiciantheproperpitchforhisguitarwouldbeoutthewindow MYTURFMystompin'ground MYSTERIOUSASAneighborwhokeepstheshadesdrawnshutallthetime

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N NERVYasa300poundjockey

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N
NAIVEHecouldbeheldupthroughthemailshe'sjustababeinawoodsfullofwolveshebelieveseverythinghereadsinthenewspaper NAKED(Nekkid) NARROWESCAPESeeCloseCall NARROWMINDEDHe'ssonarrowmindedhisearsrubtogethernarrowmindedpeoplearelikelongneckbeerbottles,thelesstheyhaveinthemthemore noiseitmakescomingout NATURALABILITYSeeAbility,Natural NATURECALLINGIfIdon'tfindasandboxsoonIain'tgonnahaveasingledrypocketmybackteetharefloatingI'mbeginningtoseeyellow NAVYMANAnchorcranker.Alotofcountryboyseventuallyfindthemselvesinthenavy,perhapsbecausemanyofthemgrowupwithouteverseeingmuchwater atanyonetime.SeealsoSubmarineCrewman NEARBYSeeLivesClose NEARSIGHTEDHecouldloseabassfiddleinaphoneboothhemistooktheshampooforthemouthwashandalmostgargledtodeath NECK,LARGEIfyouputhimintoaguillotineit'dtakethreechopstocutoffhishead. NEIGHBORHOOD,POORIfDiogeneseverwentthroughthatneighborhoodwithhislamplookingforanhonestman,they'dstealhislamp.(Saidofany neighborhoodinNewYorkCity.) NEIGHBORLYGoodfencesmakegoodneighbors.Ifyoueverliveinthecountrynextdoortosomeonewhodoesn'tkeephisfencesmended,aboutthethirdtime youhavetochasethatneighbor'slivestockoutofyourgarden,youwillunderstandwhatthissayingmeans.

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NERVOUSHewantstoknowhowmanycaloriesinfingernailswoundtighterthananeightdayclockonSundaymorning,whichisareferencetotheoldcountry practiceofwindingtheclockonSundaymorningbeforegoingtochurchshe'sasjumpyasabushelbasketfullofLouisianahoppin'frogsshe'saboutascalmasa cyclone NERVOUSASAtonguetiedlawyerasadeclawedcatasaflyaroundagluepotasaleapfrogwithabrokenleaperasaporcupineinaballoonfactoryas awormonahookasacatinatennisracketfactoryashungrytickonaskinnydogasapregnantmuleinatrafficjamasahorseonahighwireasatree outsideadogshowasaboywaitingtobespankedasanoldhogonacoldmorning(seeColdWeather)asasmallkittenupabigtreeasahookerina confessional NERVYHe'sgotmorenervethanathreehundredpoundjockey. NEVERWhencowsgivebeerwhenhellturnsintoapopsiclethat'llhappenaboutthetimeSundaycomesafterWednesday NEVERDOITNeverlearntoiron,someonewillexpectyoutodoitneverpetapolarbearuntilhe'sarugneverputabroomonabedunlessyouwantbad luckneverputthecartbeforethehorseunlessyouarebackingup NEVERENDINGAboutthetimeyoufinishhoeingweedsinthecottonfield,newoneshavealreadysprouted. NEWINFORMATIONNowthat'sanewwrinkle(orring)onmyhorn. NEWORLEANS(NawlinsorNewAreLeans),pronouncedasthreewords. NEWYORKCITYLikemarriage,everyoneoughttotryitonce NEWSThereisanoldsayingthatadogbitingamanisnotnewsbutamanbitingadogis.Amodernversionisasenatorthrowingbullisnotnewsbutabullthrowing asenatorwouldbenews. NEWSPAPERSomethingyoureadtofindoutwhatpeoplereallydo,afterreadingtheBibletofindoutwhattheyoughttodo.

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NEWSPAPER,POORPrintsenoughmanuretofertilizetheSanFernandoValley NIGHT,DARKSeeDarkNight NOINTENTIONNotaboutto,asin"I'mnotabouttoloanyoumypickup." NOSIMILARITIESThey'reaboutassimilarasaFrenchnegligeeandaflannelnightgownthey'reaboutassimilarasaratandareindeerthey'renomoresimilar thannylonhoseandagardenhose NOSUCHTHINGThereain'tnosuchthingasbettingenoughonawinninghorse. NOBODYCANHELPYOUYougottochewyourowntobaccototeyourownskillet NOISE,OMINOUSSeeSound,Ominous NOISYAsascrubcalfinabriarpatchaswindblowingoverabungholeinanemptybarrelasalonghornsteerinadrythicketasarestlessmuleinatinbarn asakidplayin'withacoffeecanthathasonerockinsideashailstonesonatinroofasahungrycalf NOISY,SOMEWHATTherewasaboutasmuchnoiseasaharelipcowboytryin'towhistleDixie. NONCHALANTAbilitytolooklikeathoroughbredwhenyoujustactedlikeajackass NONCOMMITTALHewon'tstayhitchedhe'safencerider(orstraddler) NONEXISTENTAsanoseonafootballasajackalope.Accordingtocountrylegend,theworld'sfastestanimalisacrossbetweenajackrabbitandanantelope. Unfortunately,noonehaseverseenarealjackalope. NONSENSERoostereggshorsehockeythat'sjustaloadofchickenteeth NOSE,BROKENHisnosehasbeenbrokeso.manytimeshehastobreathethroughhisears. NOSE,LONGHisnoseissolonghecouldsuckthegutsoutofapumpkinthroughakeyhole. NOSE,LARGEYoucouldstoreasmalldoginthathole. NOTFUNNYThat'saboutasfunnyasacrutch.

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NOTIMPORTANTAin'tnogreatshakes NOTINVOLVED"Idon'thaveadoginthatfight,"saidTexasSpeakeroftheHouseGibLewis. NOTWORKINGTheoxain'tplowin.' NOTWORTHTHEEFFORTYoucanbailalldaywithathimblebuttheboatisstillgonnasink. NOTHINGISIMPOSSIBLEYoucancarrywaterinateastrainerifit'sintheformoficecubes. NOTHINGJustatapholewithoutabeerkegarounditwhatmostpoliticiansaregoodfor NOTHINGTODOHe'sgotaboutasmuchtodoasthevicepresident.WillRogersoncesaidthevicepresidenthadthebestjobinthecountrybecauseallhehad todowasgetupeachmorningandsay,"How'sthePresident?" NOWIUNDERSTANDThenickelfinallydropped.Thisisareferencetotheolddayswhenpaytelephoneswerefirstperfected,sortof.Thecostofacallwasa nickelbutfrequentlythecoinwouldhangupinthemechanismrequiringseveral"whomps"onthephonetogetittodropandcompletetheconnection.Ofcourse,to modernizethesayingyou'dhavetousequarterinsteadofnickel. NUDISTSomeonewhogrinsandbaresit NUMEROUSMorethanQuakerhasoatsmorethanyoucanshakeastickat NURSEApanhandler NUTRITIONIST,POORHethinksabalanceddietisacheeseburgerineachhand. NYMPHOMANIACMattresstester

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O OUTOFPLACEasanunderonabull

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O
OAFHecouldmakeananvilcomplicated. OATHWellcutoffoneofmylegsandcallme"I"leanwellI'llbeasuckeggmulewellI'llbedippedinsnuffwelldon'tthattwirlyourspursthatbeatsanything IeversaworheardtellofI'llbedippedinshellacwellshootmearunnin'wellI'llbeswitchedwellthattearsaplankoffthewallwellshootmeforabilly goatwellslapmenakedandsell(orhide)myclotheswellflipmygarters OBITUARYOnlyknownformofbadpublicity OBNOXIOUSIfsheaskedforaride,she'dwanttodrivehe'sagoatgitter OBSERVANTHecanspotratdroppingsinaraisinpie.Note,deadhouseflycanbesubstitutedforratandanynumberofwordscanbesubstitutedfordroppings. OBSOLETEAsahorsedrawncombine OBSTACLE,SMALLThatgrassain'ttallforahighstepper. OBSTINATEShe'ssoobstinateshewon'tevenlistentobothsidesofarecordalbum. OBVIOUSAsplainasthehandontheendofyourarmplainasaglasseyeonagoatplainasthenoseonyourface OBVIOUS,SOMEWHATClearaslookingthroughlacecurtains. OCCURRENCE,RAREThathappenseveryonceinabluemoon. ODDBEHAVIORThat'sastrangewaytorunarailroad ODDPERSONHiscrosshairsain'tlinedupthere'safewpiecesmissingoutofhispuzzleSeealsoStrangePerson ODDS,POORAboutthesameasthoseofaturtletryin'tocrossasixlanehighwayinrushhourthe

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chancesofthathappeningareaboutthesameasthoseofyoudivingintoanemptyswimmingpoolandstoppingbeforeyouhitbottomSeealsoChances,Slimand LasVegas OFFICE,LARGEYoucouldhangastuffedwhaleonthewall,whichisareferencetofishermenlikingtohangtheirtrophycatchesonthewallit'sbigenoughfora puttinggreeninsteadofjustaputtingmachine OFFICE,SMALLIfitwastwiceasbig,itmightqualifyasabroomclosetifyouhungafishonthewallitwouldhavetobeaminnow OFFSPRING,POORSheneedsalargeaprontocoverherchildren'sfaults. OILFIELDWORKERRoughneck.AccordingtoDonnisBaggett,aroughneckiseitheranoilfieldworkerorwhatanunemployedoilfieldworkerfeelsafter shavingtoolongwithanoldblade. OLDAsblackpepper,dirt,rocks,sunshine,orsin OLDAGEWhenmostofthenamesinyourblackbookarefollowedbytheinitialsM.D. OLDANDFATHeain'tseenhisfeetsinceaRooseveltwasintheWhiteHouse.Thenameofthepresidentcanbechangedtoadjusttheage. OLDLOOKINGShelookslikesheagedindogyears. OLDPERSONWhenhewasbornthesunwasjustamatchheadandthereweren'tnomoonatallhewasastowawayonthearkhe'sthreeyearsolderthan dirtJesuswasstillinhighschoolwhenhewasbornorhewenttohighschoolwithMosesheusedtobangthegongtoreleasethelionsintheRomancoliseum whenhewasbornMobyDickwasjustaminnow OLDTIMERHisbackgoesoutmorethanhedoestheonlyexercisehegetsisactingasapallbearerforhisfriendshe'ssooldhedon'tbuygreenbananastells itlikeitusedtobecanrememberwhenawomanlookedthesamebeforeandafterwashingherface OLDTIMER,COUNTRYBOYHe'sbeenscrapin'manureoffhisbootsformoreyearsthanyoucouldcountorhe'sscrapedenoughmanureoffhisbootsto

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fertilizetheRioGrandevalley.Eitherexpressionmeanshe'sbeenworkingaroundfarmanimalsandmanureforalongtime. OMENInvisiblehandwritingonthewall ONCEINAWHILE(wunsinawhall)Usuallypronouncedasonewordevernowandagain ONEORTHEOTHERWhenanoldhencackles,she'seitherlayin'orlyin.' ONESIDEDAsaturkeyshoot ONLYONEOwnliestone,asin''Ihavetofindmyhat'causeit'stheownliestoneIgot." OPENMINDED,EXTREMELYHismindissoopenitcoulddoubleasavacantlot. OPERATION,MINOROneperformedonsomebodyelse OPINION,CASUALHorseback,backporch,orbackfenceopinion OPINIONATEDJimHightowersaid,"Theonlythingsinthemiddleoftheroadareyellowstripesanddeadarmadillos." OPPORTUNITIES,PLENTIFULTherearestillfishinthelakeasbigasanythathavebeencaught,maybebiggereverythingisfairgamethefieldiswideopen OPPORTUNITYMISSEDHewasasleepattheswitchislikefallin'offawagonyouhavetowalkhomewhenyoucouldhaverodeyoucan'tgetbackwater onceit'sgoneunderthebridge OPTIMISTStartsputtingonhisshoeswhenthepreachersays,"Now,inconclusion"youwouldn'twanttoborrowmoneyfromhim'causehewouldexpectyouto payitbackheonlytakesoneballtothegolfcourseheonlytakesonematchtolighttheBBQfire OPTIMISTICAsafisherman(ordeerhunter)whotakesalongacamera OPTIMISTIC,OVERLYHedon'tcounthischickensbeforetheyhatch,hecounts'embeforetheeggsarelaidhe'dexpecttobringhomeabirdfromawild goosechase ORGANIZATION,POORAChinesefiredrillisbetterorganizedthanthatplace.Thistermisoftenusedto

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describealmostanygovernmentagency. ORIGINALSOURCEStraightfromthehorse'smouth ORNERYAsasnappin'sow OUTDIDMEHestolemythunderandmylightningandallheleftbehindwasalotofhail. OUTINTHEOPENOutinthebroaddaylightoutofthecloset OUTOFCONTROLHe'saloosefirehose(orcannon). OUTOFDATEAsadriveinmovieasamagazineinadoctor'soffice OUTOFPLACEAsaMethodistbellchoirinahonkytonkasawhaleinawashtubasawhitedressonawitchasoverallsonaroosterasahickeyonanun asacowpattyinawhirlpoolasasnowstorminJulyasabowtieonablacksnakeasadoginacatfightasdirtunderabeautyqueen'sfingernails OUTOFSHAPETheonlythingsheliftsareaforkandknifeit'shardtobefitasafiddlewhenyou'rebuiltlikeacelloyoucanlieaboutbeinginshapebutyou can'tfoolaflightofstairs OUTOFTOUCHAstheendsofafatman'sbelt OUTOFTROUBLE,ALMOSTHe'sfinallygothisendsmeetingbutheain'tquitegot'emtied. OUTOFWORKAsaflatchestedstripper OUTOFYOURLEAGUEYou'reaDachshundrunnin'withapackofGreatDanesyou'reaparakeettryin'toflywitheagles OUTRANMEHewentbymelikeIwasparked(oruponblocksinthegarage). OUTDOORSMAN,POORHisideaofroughingitishavingtowatchblackandwhitetelevisioninamotelthatdoesn'thaveroomservice. OVERDIDITYouwoundyourwatchalittletootightyoupickedupmorethanyoucancarry OVERALLSRednecktuxedo OVERANXIOUSYou'rerunninaheadofthedogsyou'retossin'theropebeforeyoubuildaloopyou'reshoppingformaternitydressesbeforetherabbitdied

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OVERATEI'masfullasaneggstuffedtothegills OVERCOMEWITHEMOTIONHiswordsstuckinhisthroatlikealureinafish'smouth. OVEREATERYou'regonnadigyourgravewiththemteethifyoukeepeatin'yourkneesaregonnabucklebutyourbeltwon't OVEREATINGThedestinythatshapesyourends OVEREXTENDEDShehungtheivybaskethigherthanshecanreach,whichmeansshewon'tbeabletowatertheplantsyou'reweedingamightywiderowyou gotsixpotsonafourburnerstovethiscamperhastoomuchgeartohaularoundyougottwentypoundsoffishonatenpoundstringerIfeellikeacountrydog tryingtowetonallthefireplugsintownIgotabigcottonsacktototemydamisoverflowingwithopportunityIgotmoreonmyplatethanatelevisionevangelist couldsaygraceover OVERNIGHTGUESTSuitcasecompany,whichmeanstheybroughtalongachangeofclothesandtoothbrushesincaseyouinvitethemtospendthenight. OVERPOWEREDTheytookitlikeGranttookRichmond. OVERREACTINGYou'reusingdynamiteforaflyswatteryou'reusingasledgehammertodrivethumbtacksintopapermache OVERSEXEDThereain'tnoneutralinhertransmissionwhoeverturnedheronforgottoturnheroff

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Thisspaceisforyourfavoritesayings.

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PQ PATIENTasacatcampedoutunderabirdbath

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P
PACEMAKER,POOREverytimeaprettygirlwalksby,hisgaragedoorgoesup. PAINFULAsahiccup(orsneeze)withabrokenribSeealsoInPain PALEPeak'dasin"EversincehegotthatletterfromtheIRShe'sbeenlookin'mightypeak'd." PANTS,TORNINTHEREARLookslikeheateawildcat PAPAWSArkansasbananas.Fornoncountryfolks,papawsaretheyellow,ediblefruitofthepapaw(papaya)treewhichiscommoninArkansas. PARANOIDHeputsasafetypinonhisbackpocketPeteGenttheformerDallascowboyandauthorofNorthDallasForty,said,"Aparanoidissomeonewith allthefacts." PARENT,POORHe'smoreworriedabouthisgolfswingthanhisoffspring. PARENTINGIfyouwanttokeepyourteenagedaughteroutofhotwater,putsomedirtydishesinit. PARTEDLiketheRedSea PARTICIPATIONAbrahamLincolnsaid,"Anybodynotdoingtheskinningcanholdaleg." PARTY,DULLItwasdullasagraveyardcleaning.Manycountrychurcheshaveanannualpicnicattheirlocalgraveyard.Aftereating,everyoneturnsouttocutthe grass,pulltheweeds,andrighttheleaningtombstones.Allinall,agraveyardcleaningisaratherdullaffair. PARTY,WILDItwasatoothkickin'party. PARTYCONSEQUENCES"ThelessIbehavelikeWhistler'smotherthenightbefore,themoreIlooklikeherthemorningafter,"saidTallulahBankhead. PASSESGAS,ALOTTheycallhim"thunderpants"hecanpassmoregasina

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weekendthanapipelinecouldcarryinamonthiftheyeverperfectacarthat'llrunonnaturalgas,hecanhookuphisrearendtohiscarburetoranddrivearoundthe world PATIENCEWhatyouhavetohavewhenyourwifeisonadietSeealsoBePatient PATIENTAsacatcampedoutunderabirdbath PAYATTENTIONCinchyourmindtoit. PAYYOURDUESIfyou'regonnarockyougottahaveabigroll. PEACEFUL,MOSTLYHeloveshisenemiesbuthekeepshisgunwelloiled. PEACEFULPERSONHebelievesinevolutionnotrevolution. PECANS(Peecans),whicharenotportabletoilets PENCILWITHANERASERAgolfer'sbestfriend PENICILLINAwonderdrug.Anytimethedoctorwonderswhatyouhave,yougetitwhatyougivethemanwhohaseverything PEOPLETherearetwokindsofpeople,thosethatmakegoodandthosethatmakeexcuses(orthosewillingtoworkandthosewillingtolet'em). PERFECTIONIfyougolookingfortheperfecthorseyou'llbewalkingforalongtimeifyougolookingfortheperfecthusband,you'llbesleepingalone PERFECTIONISTOnewhobelievesyoueithermakegoodormaketracks PERFUMEChemicalwarfare PERMANENTAsatemporarytaxasanautopsy PERSEVERESticktoyourgunsyoucanteachanolddognewtricksbutittakesmoretimeifshesaysno,youdidn'tasktherightquestion,youdidn'taskthe questionright,oryoudidn'tasktherightpersonSpikeDykes,theWestTexassagewhoalsodoublesastheheadfootballcoachatTexasTech,wasaskedto commentafterhisteambeattheUniversityofTexasinAustinforthefirsttimein22years."Ifyoukeepscratchin,"hesaid,"soonerorlateryoudigupaworm." PERSEVERINGHanginginlikeahairinabiscuit. PERSIMMONSOzarkdates

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PERSISTENTAsasickkittenstickingtoawarmbrick PERSON,COLDYoucouldn'twarmuptohimifya'llwerecrematedtogether. PERSON,CONTROVERSIALBillyMartinwasperhapstheessenceofcontroversy.Afterhisaccidentaldeath,RandyGallowayoftheDallasMorningNews wrote:"BillyMartinwasoneofakind.Hecame,hewent,heleftalongskidmark."Martinhimselfmayhaveexplainedwhyhewassocontroversialwhenhesaid,"I don'tthrowthefirstpunch.Ithrowthesecondfour." PERSON,EDUCATEDHe'sgotmoredegreesthanathermometer. PERSON,MEANHe'sthekindofol'boythat'llcutyourtrotlineorrunyourtrotlineforyouandforgettogiveyouthefish.SeealsoMeanMan PERSON,STRANGETheyoughttomakehimambassadortotheBermudaTriangle. PERSONALLIFE,BORINGHislifewouldboretheshelloffaturtle.SeealsoBoring PERSONALRESPONSIBILITYEverycathastolickhisownbackside. PERSUASIVEHecanconvincehiswifetobesorryforthegirlthatleftherbrainhisglovecompartmentshecouldconvinceherhusbandtobesorryfortheman wholeftacigarbuttintheashtray'causehe'sasmokerthemostpersuasiveofallistheladywhocantalkherwayoutofatrafficticketwhenshe'sstoppedbya femalecop PESSIMISTTheonlythinghe'dexpecttofindonasilverplatteristarnishheneverputsanythingawayforarainyday'causehe'salwaysexpectingadrought alwaystrytoborrowmoneyfromapessimist'causehewon'texpecttoevergetitback PHILANTHROPISTSomebodywhoisgivingawaywhatheoughttobegivingback PHILOSOPHYHorsesenseinadresssuit PHILOSOPHY,SIMPLEAliceRooseveltLongworthdescribeditbestwith:"Fillwhat'sempty.Emptywhat'sfull.Scratchwhereititches." PHONYHetalksthetalkbuthedon'twalkthewalk.Thisisafairlymodern

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sayingthatoriginatedinhonorofthelate,greatJohnWayne.Alotofpeoplecanimitatehisvoicebutnotmanycanwalklikehedid. PICKYOURSPOTAnorchidisaweedinacornfieldyouneverwantthespotintheparadethat'sjustbehindthesheriff'smountedpatrol(causeyou'llbe dodginghorsemanurewhileyoumarch) PINERESINRozzum PIGFRIESSeeCalfFriesandBraveAs PLAGIARISMTheartofconcealingyoursources.Ifyoustealfromonepersonit'splagiarism,ifyoustealfromtwoormoreit'sresearch. PLAINWithoutfrills,bells,orwhistlesstrippeddownmodelwiththebarkoffunwrappedversionasday,asin"Isawhimkissheronthemouthplainasday" PLANAim,asin"Iaimtogetthatbillpaidoneofthesedays." PLANAHEADDon'tbuildthegatetillyou'vebuiltthefencedon'tbuythesaddletillyou'vegotahorsedon'tstartchoppin'tillyou'vetreedthecoon PLANNINGNoamountofplanningwillreplacedumbluck. PLANNINGTOSTAYHe'swearin'hissittin'britches. PLASTICSURGEONSomebodywhoincreasesyourfacevalue PLASTICSURGERYCuttingupthecreditcards PLAYDEADPlaypossum PLEASEDAsakittenthatlappedupmilkfromacontentedcowhewasovercomewiththegratefuls PLEASINGThatreallymeltsmybutterpleasesmetonoend PLEASURABLEAin'tneverhadthismuchfunwithmyclothesonhadasmuchfunastwohogsinawallow PLEASURETRIPTakin'yourmotherinlawtotheairport PLUMBER,GOODHecouldplugNiagaraFailsinhalfanhourhecouldrepairaholeintheozonelayer PLUMBER,POORHedon'tmakehousecalls. POINTOFVIEWTheugliestpigisprettytoanotherpig.

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POINTEDAsthedevil'stail POINTLESSAspaintingmanureasajunebugarguingwithaduck POISETheabilitytonotlookconspicuouswhenyouhavetositonthefrontrowinchurchtheabilitytoraiseaneyebrowinsteadoftheroof POKERChipspassinginthenightthekeytopokerisnotinholdingagoodhandbutinplayingabadhandwell POKERGAME,SMALLTIMEItain'tworththecostofkeepin'thelightson,whichmeanstheamountofmoneythatchangeshandswouldn'tcoverthebillfrom theelectriccompanyforrunningthelights.Intheolddays,asmalltimepokergamewouldn'tcoverthecostofthecoaloilforthelamporthecandlesthatwouldbe usedup. POKERHAND,WORTHLESSAnArkansasorhillbillystraight.Innormalpoker,astraightconsistsoffivecardsinanysuitinnumericalorder,suchas3,4,5,6, 7.AnArkansasstraight,however,skipsonecardbetweentheotherssuchas3,5,7,9,Jack.Suchahandisabsolutelyworthless,whichmeansifyoubettheranch onityou'dprobablybeoutoftheranchin'businessprettyquick.Itfollows,then,thatanineptgamblerwould,indeed,bettheranchonanArkansasstraight. POKERRAISE,LARGEClearingthetopwater.Inpoker,togetridofthoseplayersbarelyhangin'on,youmakealargeraisewhichclearsthetopwater. POKERRAISE,SMALLYousentaboytodoaman'sjob.Thisexpressionisgenerallyusedbysomeonewhoraisesyourbetconsiderablytoseparatethemen fromtheboys. POLITEAsaninsurancesalesman(orcemeterylotsalesman)hesaysthankyouwhenanautomaticdooropens POLITICALAUDIENCE,GOODMarkTwainsaidtheperfectpoliticalaudiencewouldbe"intelligent,witty,capable,inquisitive...anddrunk." POLITICALCANDIDATEAfoolrunnin'forelectiontogetyourmoney POLITICALINEFFICIENCYDon

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Bowmanwrote,''Politiciansarelikecockroaches.It'snotwhattheycarryoff,butwhattheyfallintoandmessup." POLITICALINCOMPETENCEHedon'teverlieknowinglybutthenherarelydoesanythingknowingly. POLITICALISSUESNotwoissuesaresofarapartthatapoliticiancan'tstraddle'em. POLITICALPHILOSOPHY"Henevermetataxhedidn'thike,"whichishowDonnisBaggettdefinesTexaspoliticalphilosophy. POLITICALPLATFORMIslikethesecondstanzaofthenationalanthem,everyoneknowsthereisasecondstanzabutnooneknowsthewords. POLITICALPOLICY,POORLetthemwhodon'twantnonehavememoriesofnotgettingany. POLITICALRUMORSHe'srunnin'awhisperingcampaign,whichmeanshe'splantingrumorsandlettingthemtaketheircourse.Anygoodpoliticianknowsthat veryfewthingstravelfasterthanrumorsaroundelectiontime. POLITICALTRUISMYoucanleadamantocongressbutyoucan'tmakehimthinkFormerTexasLt.GovernorBenRamseycameupwithanotherpolitical truismwhenhesaid,"Politicianslovetaxeslikeahoglovesslop." POLITICIANApromisemerchantamanwhothinkstwicebeforesayingnothingsomebodywhostandsforwhathehopesmostpeoplewillfallforrepairshis fencesbyhedginggivehimafreehandandit'llwindupinyourpockethe'llpromisetobuildbridgeswherethereain'tnorivershe'sgotwhatittakestogetwhat yougothastogetmoneyfromthetaxpayerwithoutdisturbingthevoterhepromisesequalrainfall POLITICIAN,CHEAPWhenhegivesathousanddollaraplatebarbecue,heservesitonpaperplates.Suchapoliticianusuallygetselectedbecausehehasa goodmemoryandvotershaveabadone.Thenwhenheiselected,peoplewilladmit"Surehe'sacrook,buthe'sourcrook." POLITICIAN,CUNNINGHe'llstandupandrocktheboat,thentrytoconvince

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youhe'stheonlyonethatcansaveyoufromthestorm. POLITICIAN,DEVIOUSDonnisBaggettdefinesitas"He'ssoslickhissockswon'tstayup." POLITICIAN,DISHONESTHedidn'tevenrunanhonestracewhenhewasonthetrackteaminhighschooltheonlytimeherananhonestracewaswhenhe outranthesherifftothecountylinehe'ssocrookedhecouldn'tevenvoteastraightticket POLITICIAN,EXPERIENCEDHe'slikeafootballcoach,smartenoughtoknowtherulesanddumbenoughtothinkthegameisimportant. POLITICIAN,EXPERTHecanborrow$20fromyou,keepitsixmonths,payyoubackonly$10,andthenconvinceyouthatyou'reevenbecauseyoubothlost $10ifhewasbeingchasednakeddownMainStreetbyanangry,armedlynchmob,hecouldmakeyoubelievehewasleadingaMemorialDayparadehecan standfirmlyinmidair POLITICIAN,GOODOnethatwillstayboughtgoodpoliticiansarelikeeclipses,they'refewandfarbetween POLITICIAN,HONESTSomethingmoneycan'tbuystandsoutlikeadoityourselfhaircut POLITICIAN,LIARAnyresemblancebetweenhiscampaignspeeches(ortelevisionads)andthetruthispurelycoincidental. POLITICIAN,POORHe'sacoattailpolitician,whichmeanshisfortunesturnonthefortunesofsomeotherhigheruppoliticianhiscredibilityhasstretchmarks theythoughthewaspresidentialtimberbutheturnedouttobejustbarkhecouldn'tgetelectedifthenationalguardstuffedtheballotboxes POLITICIAN,SMARTHeunderstandsthebestpositionistheoneinfrontofthecamera. POLITICIAN,UGLYYoucouldusehiscampaignposterstoweancalvesofftheirmothers.Thereisanoldstoryaboutapoliticianbeingsouglythatsomefarmers wouldtiehiscampaignpostersontheircowsandthecalveswouldbesoscaredtheywouldstopsuckingandstarteating

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grass.Beingaconsummateprofessional,theuglypolitician,whentoldoftheuseforhissigns,simplyreplied,"IamgladIcouldbeofservicetoourvaluablefarmers." POLITICIAN,UNPOPULARIfbuzzardscouldvotehe'dbeashooin. POLITICIAN,VERSATILEHehasamindopenatbothendshetakesafirmstandonallsidesoftheissuesoncehemakesuphismindhe'sfullofindecision POLITICIAN,WINDYHecangivemouthtomouthresuscitationoverthephonelisteningtohimislikeshootingatamovingtarget,youhavetoallowforthewind POLITICSTheartofpromisingthepublicgoldfishbowltheonlythinghardertocleanupafterthanasmallboytheonlythingthatmakesamanfasteronhisfeet thanpoliticsisbigamy POLLUTIONThatplaceissopollutedyougetdirtyechos. POORHewassopoorhehadtostandonabagoffertilizertoraiseanumbrellaweatesomanyrabbitswhenwewereyoungthatwe'dhideundertheporchevery timethedogsbarkedifanelephantovercoatcostadollar,Icouldn'tbuyajacketofagnatourcockroachesstarvedtodeaththeonlytimewehadicewasright afteragoodhailstormhecouldn'tbuyhayforanightmareIhavetostayalive'causeIcan'taffordtobeburiedifhehada$100billinhispockethe'dbewearing somebodyelse'spantstheonlytimehecarriesanymoneyiswhenhe'sanusherinchurchpoorasJob'sturkeyweweresopoorthewolfwouldn'tcometoour door'causeheknewhewouldhaveendeduponthedinnertableifitcostadollartosendatonofmanurearoundtheworld,Icouldn'tsendtenouncesworthtomy nextdoorneighborEdWilkesofLubbock,Texassaidwhenhewasyoungtheyweresopoorthat,"Weatesomanycollardgreensthatwehadtowearcoaloil ragsaroundourfeettokeepthecutwormsoff."LeeTrevinooncesaid,"Whenwewereyoung,ifmorethrewthedogabone,

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he'dhavetocallforafaircatch." OneofthebestdescriptionscamefromPaulPetermanofCelina,Texas.Hesaidthatwhenhewasyoungtheyweresopoorthatthey'deatdriedapplesforbreakfast anddriedapplesfordinner.Thenatsuppertimethey'ddrinkwaterandtheappleswouldswellupsomuchthatthey'dgotobedthinkingtheywerefull. Regardlessofhowpoorsomeonemightbe,anotheroldcountrysayingisimportanttoremember:Ahardworking,Godfearingplowhandonhiskneesstandstaller thanalazyrichmanstandin'onhisfeet.SeealsoBrokeDestitute PORK(FATTY)Fatback POSITIVEIfitain'ttruethereain'tanIndianinOklahoma,apinetreeinGeorgia,aprettygirlinTexas,orawhitetoothinHollywood. POSITIVE,ALMOSTI'mputtnearpositivepurdynighsure POUREDOUTLikehensthroughaholeinthefence.Anytimeyoukeephensinafencetheybecomeconvincedthepeckingisbetterontheotherside,soifevena littleholegetspunchedinthefencethehenspourout. POVERTYWhatyouhaveleftwhenallyourfriendssaddleupandleavetheonlytimeit'sgoodtobepooriswhenthetaxmancomesknockingSeealsoPoor PRACTICEEverythinggetseasierwithpracticeexceptgettingupinthemorningandeatingcrow. PRAYERAlotofpeoplewoulddomoreprayingiftheycouldfindasoftspotfortheirknees. PREACHER,DEVOUTHecouldtalkawholebowlofmashedpotatoescold.InthecountrythepreacherisofteninvitedoverforSundaydinner.Areallydevout preacherisonewhotakessolongsayinggracethattheentirebowlofmashedpotatoesturnscold.Themostdevoutpreacherofallcantalkanentireturkeycoldat Thanksgiving. PREACHER,EXPERIENCEDHecanestimatethesizeofthecollectionwithintendollarsjustfromlookin'atthecrowdonecountrypreachersaidhewasso experiencedthat

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hecouldcountthecollectioninhismindjustfromhearingthecoinsdroppedintotheplatethentherewastheexperiencedArkansaspreacherwhocouldtellifa counterfeitcoinwasdroppedintheplate'causeithadadifferentringfromalltheotherquarters PREACHER,SMARTHehastheusherspasstheplatebeforethesermon.Thelargerthecollectionthelesshespeaks.Ofcourse,suchaplanonlyworkswhenthe congregationknowsitinadvancewhenvisiting,hekeepsoneeyeopenwhensayinggracesothechildrendon'tbeathimtothefliedchicken PRECARIOUSSITUATIONYourpigssuckinghindtit.Occasionallyanoldsowwouldhavemorepigletsthanshehadteatstoaccommodate,whichmeantoneor morehadtoscrambleforaplacetosuck.Thebabypigunluckyenoughtogetthehindteatoftenhadtosquirmbetweenmotherslegstogetatthespigot.Ifmamma hogchangedpositionsorrolledover,thebabypigbetweenherlegswasindangerofbeingthumpedhardor,worseyet,beingflungacrossthebarnyard.Thesame situationalsoexistedforcalveswhohadtosneakuponthemammacalffrombehindandsticktheirheadbetweenherlegstogettothehindteat.Ineithercase, havingtosuckthehindteatwasaprecarioussituation. Also,yougotthecowstakednexttothetruckpatch.Ifyoustakeanoldcownexttoyourtruckpatchshe'lleatmostofthecropyouintendedtosell.Insucha precarioussituation,thecowgetsafullbellybutyoulosemoney. PRECAUTIONNevereatanythingthatgrowswildaroundthebackporch.Inthecountry,somefolksdon'talwaysmakeitallthewaytotheouthousewhenthey havetorelievethemselves.Infact,manyhavebeenknowntomakeitjustasfarasthebackporch,thusanyfoodgrowingaroundtheporchprobablyhadsome strangeliquidfertilizerdumpedonit. PREDICTABLENomatterhowwarmthesunshineis,thecatwillalwayshaveherkittensinthebarn. PREFERENCESomepeopleobjecttoafandancer,

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otherstothefaneveryfishhasitsfavoritebaitI'drathergetundertheporchandpeckwiththechickens(orI'drathergetatinbillandpeckwiththechickens)than dothatI'drathergiveacamelanenemathandothatI'drathergivearattlesnakearootcanalthandothat PREGNANTShewashungbyaserpentshe'sgotabigbiscuitintheovenshelookslikesheswallowedherbowlingball PREPARATIONThebestwaytoholdcattleinthewinteristodoyoursleepinginthesummertime. PREPAREDHestaysreadysohewon'teverhavetogetready. PRESSUREIfyougotaripinyourparachute,itwillshowupunderpressure. PRESUMPTUOUSJustbecauseyoudonatedanorgantothechurchdon'tmeanyoucancallthetunestobeplayed. PRETENDMakeoutlike,asin"Hemadeoutlikehewasacowboyandtriedtoridethatwildhorse."playlike,asin"Whydon'tyouplaylikeyou'rerichandlone me$20?" PRETENDCOWBOYHejustfoundthehat. PRETTYAsamortgagepaidinfullasapolishedpearlasdollarcotton PRIDEEveryoldcrowthinksherchickistheblackesteveryoldmotherhenthinksherchicksarethebestpeckersprideissomethingthatain'thardtoswallow onceyouchewonitlongenough PRIORITIESDon'tchopfirewoodtillyou'vebuiltthefireplaceyou'relookingforthethermostatwhentheroofiscavinginacalfcan'tbawlandsuckatthesame time PRISON,MINIMUMSECURITYWhereyouservethreeyearsathardtennis(orgolf) PRISONERFunflieswhenyou'redoin'time. PROBLEMSomeonethrewadeadcatdownthewelltheonlypeoplewithoutproblemsareinthegraveyard PROBLEM,LARGEHesatdowninabeartrapheopenedacanofwormsandfoundouttheywerebaby

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rattlesnakes.Ounceforounce,thevenominababyrattlesnakeisconsiderablymoredangerousthananadultsnake.Fortunately,however,ababyrattlercan'topen hismouthwideenoughtobitemuch. PROBLEMDRINKEROnethatneverbuysTommyLasordaoncesaidofBillyMartin,"Whenhereachesforabartabhisarmshrinkssixinches." PROCRASTINATORHeneverputshisbestfootforwarduntilhegetstheotheroneinhotwater. PROFANITYMarkTwainsaid,"Undercertaincircumstances,profanityprovidesareliefdeniedeventoprayer."Whathemeantbythatwasthatsometimesitjust feelsbettertotellsomeonetogotohellthanitdoestopraytheydon'tmakethetrip. PROFESSIONALHetakestimetosharpenhisaxe.Arealprowouldrecognizethevalueofkeepingasharpedgeonanaxebecauseoverthelonghaulitwould makechoppin'woodmucheasier.Anonprofessionalwouldkeepchoppin'evenwhenhisaxegotdullandwouldenduptakingalotlongertofinishthejob. PROMISCUOUSSeeFemale,PromiscuousandMale,Promiscuous PROMISEThemeasureofamanishowmanypromiseshekeeps. PROMISE,BROKENThereain'tnocementthatwillfixabrokenpromise. PROPHECYI'drathermakeaprofitthanbeone. PROSPECTS,GOODHe'sgotagoodseasonintheground,whichmeanshe'splantedagoodcrop. PROSPERITYSomethingbusinesscreatesandpoliticianstakecreditfor PROSTITUTEAcheapspread PROTECTIONYoucanmakethebestscarecrowintheworldbutitwon'tdonearlyasmuchgoodasameandog. PROTRUDINGPoochedout,asin"Hisguthasgottenpoochedoutsincehewentbacktodrinkin'beerandeatin'possum." PROUDAsagoatwithfourhornsasapeacockinfull

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bloom,whichmeanshistailfeathersarefullyopen PROVERBS,COUNTRYSTYLEProverbshavebeenaroundforaboutaslongasfolkshavebeentalking.Everyclassofpeople,itseems,hastheirownversions andcountryfolksarenoexception.Here'sageneroushelpingofsomecountrystyleproverbs: TrustinGod,buttieyourhorse. Watchyourstepwhenthechipsaredown. Onceyou'reonthegrounddon'tworryaboutthehorsethrowingyou. Youcanshearapigbutyou'llgetalotmorenoisethanwool. It'seasiertoplowaroundastumpthanthroughit. Thereneverhasbeenahorsethatcan'tberodeoracowboythatcan'tbethrowed. Crimedon'tpay,neitherdoesfarming. Ifthebootfits,wearit. Asqueakingwheelgetsthegreasebutaquackingduckgetsshot. Youdon'tlivelongerinthecountry.Itjustseemsthatway. Holdyourchinuphigh,butkeepyournoseatafriendlylevel. Don'tletthegrassgrowbetweenyourtoes. Youdon'tgettopickthemembersofthepossethat'llchaseyou. Thefarmer'scurse:Chickenoneday,feathersthenext. Neverbuyahorsefromamilkman. Ifyougiveadance,yougottapaythefiddler. Don'tkickbeforeyouarespurred. Youdon'tgetlardunlessyouboilthehog. Abucketunderabullwillneverbefullofmilk. Youcanputhen'seggsinaneagle'snestbutyou'llstillgetchickens. Hardworkkeepsthefencesup. Justbecausehe'swearingbootsdon'tmeanhe'sacowboy. Thelongertherope,thebiggertheloop.

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Thewilderthecolt,thebetterthehorse. Nevergetintoagunfightwithanuglymancauseheain'tgotnuthin'tolose. Acoyotewillfoolwithchickenstillhefeelsbuckshotinhisbehind. Eatallyoucanandcanwhatyoucan't. Thegirlsallgetprettieratclosingtime. Ifyouhitchahorsewithacoyote,thewagonwon'tgetpulledfar. Nomatterifyouareinthefryingpanorthefire,you'restillcooked. Eventhesmallestanvilwon'tfloat. Anightmarecanscareacowboymorethananyotherhorse. Awatchedpreachernevercusses. Don'tcountthecrop'tillit'sinthebarn. Agoodhorseisonethatwillstandwithouthitching. Nomatterhowtoughtheteat,themilkisstillsweet. AnythingispossibleiftheLordiswillingandthecreeksdon'trise. Neverchooseawifebytheglowofaneonlight. Makegoodormakeroom. Deadducksneednokilling. Amanwhokeepswatchingthehorizonbehindhimhasmoreonhismindthanscenery. Giventhechoicebetweenluckandintelligence,takeluck. Toomanycooksspoilthechili(orgravy). Ifyouputallyoureggsinonebasket,takerealgoodcareofthatbasket. Thebirdthatislatefindsthewormisalreadyate. It'snotthecoughthatcarriesyouoff,it'sthecoffintheycarryyouoffin. Amanisisasgoodashehastobe,awomanisasbadasshedarestobe. PROVIDER,GOODHekeepshissmokehousegreasy. PRUDESheholdsoutlikeaZaneGreyheroine. PSYCHIATRISTNervedoctor PSYCHIATRIST,CHEAPHeusesasleepingbaginsteadofacouch.

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PUCKEREDLikeawetsheepskinnexttoahotfire PUFFEDUPLikeafroginacreamcan PUNCH,LIGHTArabbitpunch PUREInhisbookTexasProudandLoud,BoyceHouseincludedthedefinition:"PureasthedewdropthatsparklesonthetailofaTexasbullasherisesfromhis grassycouchandbellowsinthefaceoftherisingsun." PUSHMash,asin"Yougottomashthebuttononthemicrowavetoheatupyourdinner."

Q
QUALIFIEDHe'searnedhisplaceatthebar. QUALIFICATIONS,LACKINGHisbagoftrickshasaholeinit. QUALITYAgoodroosterwillcrowinanychickencoopamanisonlyasgoodashisnerve QUALITY,FAIRMiddlinggoodfairaveragequalityitain'tbadifyouain'tusedtomuch QUALITY,GOODYoucan'tbeatthatwithahickoryswitchgradeAgood QUALITY,LACKINGHe'satopwaterminnow,whichisaminnowthat,onceonafishinghook,swimsaroundthetopofthewaterinsteadofgoingdeepwhere thefishare. QUALITY,POORPiddlin'pooritfellapartlikeatwodollarwagon QUANTITY,DECEIVINGItain'talwaysthesizeoftheloadthatcounts.Ahandfulofmanurewouldn'tbeworthasmuchasawagonloadoffertilizerbutahandful ofdiamondswouldbeworthmorethantentruckloadsofcoal. QUANTITY,LARGEAwholeslewofasightofapasselofAnotherforgottenwordfromoutofthepastislavish,whichmeanslargequantityasin"Wegota

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lavishoflastyear'scalendersonhand.'' QUARRELCussfight QUARTERMOONRustler'smoon.Manyrustlerspreferredtoplytheirtradebythelightofaquartermoon.Afullmoonwassobright,thethievescouldeasilybe seen,andwhentherewasnomoonitwastoodarktoseethecattle. QUICKASAnArkansaspreachercanspotacounterfeitquarterastheshakeofalamb'stailaswindfromaduck'sbacksideasabigminnowcanswimasmall dipper.Apopularcountrysayingis"quickasaminnowcanswimadipper"butthetruthistherearesomeverysmallminnowsandsomelargedippersandifyouput thosetwotogetherthespeedwouldbeafewmillisecondsslowerthanabigminnowinasmalldipper. QUICKLOOKGiveitawindshieldinspection.Inbuyingland,manypeoplesimplydrivebyandlookatitthroughthewindowratherthangettingoutofthecarand walkinginthedirt. QUICKTEMPEREDHe'sgotaneasywiretotriphistriggerfingerisalwaysitchyorhistriggerdon'ttakemuchpullin' QUICKTONGUEAmanwithaquicktonguehadbetterhavequickfistsoraquickdraw. QUIETYoucouldhearawormsneezeyoucouldhearthemoonriseyoucouldhearapairofantsmakingloveonacottonbollyoucouldhearyourtoenails growingSeealsoBeQuiet,KeepQuiet QUIETASAsicksowinasnowstormasacoonstalkingacrayfishasaworm'sheartbeatasasparrowinahawk'snestasacatburglar QUIETTYPEHedon'tusemuchkindlingtogethisfirestarted,whichmeansheisamanoffewwordsbutthewordshedoesusegenerallycountforsomething. QUIETWORKERThehenthatlaysthebiggesteggusuallydoestheleastcackling.

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R REMEDY,HOMESTYLEshecouldpoulticethehumpoffacamel'sback

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R
RACEHORSETheonlyhorsethancantakeathousandpeopleforarideatthesametime RACEHORSE,SLOWIttookthathorsesolongtofinish,thejockeykeptadiary. RACCOONAlwaysjustacoontoacountryboy RADIATORSHOPThebestplacetotakealeak RAGGEDAsasheepherder'sbritches RAIN,AFTERADRYSPELLAsittin'inrain,whichmeansyouaresohappytofinallyseerainthatyougorightoutsideandsitinitawhile. RAIN,HEAVYFrogstranglera"clearup"rain,whichiswhenyouareinwaterclearuptothebackofyourlapitwasraininghorseapplesandpigknucklesa logrollerafencefloateraduckdrownertankdestroyer,asinstocktank.Onthefarm,areallyheavyrainmayproduceenoughwatertofloodtheplaceand washoutofanyshallowstocktanksyoumighthavetheconcreteturnedtomudwehadtojumpintotherivertokeepfromdrowningrainingbullfrogsandheifer yearlingsrainingcatsanddogs,whichmeansyoubetterwatchoutandnotstepinapoodleitwasrainin'pitchforksandblackcats RAIN,INTERMITTENTAsputtin'andspittin'rainwasn'tarunnin'rain,whichmeanstherewasn'tenoughwatertorunofftheroadathreeinchrain,asin therewasthreeinchesbetweeneachdrop RAIN,MODERATEAdegreaser,whichmeansitrainedjustenoughtowashthegreaseofftheroad RAIN,VERYHEAVYAnanvilmover,asin"Afterthatlastrainlasteveningmyanvilhadbeenmovedafootandhalf."Anyanvil,evenasmallone,isveryheavy, soit

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wouldtakealotoffastflowingwatertomoveone.Eventhoughthatneverhappens,useofthesayingproducestheconnotationthatyougotalotofrain.Toproduce theconnotationthatyougotanextremelyheavyamountofrainyoucouldsayitwasananvilfloater. RAIN,SHORTLikeanoldtimersdance,itwassoonover RAIN,SOFTAngeltears RAIN,SPRINKLINGAMethodistshower,whichisareferencetoMethodistssprinklingwhentheybaptize RAINAPPROACHINGComin'upacloudthefliesareswarmingonthescreen,whichissaidtobeasuresignofapproachingrainstorms RAINDROPS,LARGEBigdropsmeanlittlerain RAINBOW,PARTIALSundog RAININGHARDLikeacowtakingaleakoffafortyfootcliff RAININGWHILETHESUNSHINESThedevilisbeatinghiswife. RAINYDAYGooddaytobeinbedwithagoodbookorsomeonewhohasreadone RANLikeafieldmouseinaneagle'sshadow RANCH,LARGEHadtohaveitsownzipcodeit'satwohorseranch,whichmeansyou'dhavetohavetwohorsestorideacrossitinoneday RANCHER,RICHHiscowsain'tbranded,they'reengraved. RAREASAgoldenweddinganniversaryinHollywoodasamermaidinastocktankasiciclesinhellaswoolinabeehiveasagoodlookingmailorder brideasapregnantnunpolevaulterasawildroseinwinterasafatcoyoteasanallnightrodeoascleansocksinabunkhouseasasmileonanundertaker asawhitecrowasadanceatBaylorUniversity.DancingisnotallowedatBaylor,aBaptistuniversityasanhonestfisherman(orpolitician)asafootballbatas asmileonaRussianrestaurantworker.WhenMcDonaldsandPizzaHutexpandedintoRussiatheyhadtoteachtheirRussian

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employeeshowtosmileinsteadofsnarlatemployees. RAREBOOKOneyouloantosomeoneandgetback RAREMEATIknowavetthatcouldcurethiscritterthislookslikeyoujustknockedthehornsandhoovesoff,wipeditsbehind,andputitonaplatterIcanstill seethejockey'swhipmarks,whichimpliesthatthemeatisnotonlyrarebutthatitmightnotbeprimebeef RATTLESLikeballbearingsinacardoor.ArancheroncescrapedupenoughmoneytobyanewLincolnTownCar.Hewasreallyproudofthecarbutitdidhave arattleinonedoor.Hetookitbacktothedealerandtheycouldnotfindanythingwrong.Afterseveralmoretripstothedealer,thedoorwasremovedandfully disassembled.Finally,amechanicfoundalarge,looseballbearingintheverybottomofthedoor.Thesteelball,whichhadobviouslybeenplacedinsidethedoor whenitwasassembledhadasmallnoteattachedwhichread:"Soyoufinallyfoundit,yourichS.O.B." RATTLESNAKERattler,sidewinder RATTLESNAKE,BIGSobigitneededtwocoils READYI'mprimedandtightlywadded. READYASAroosterwithhisspursup REALESTATEDEAL,GOODGotfiveyearsfreeonafouryearlease REARENDBackporch REAREND,LARGEJugbuttedsomethingnicetofallbackonsternrealityshe'swellrearedhecouldn'tsitdowninanumberthreewashtubhisrearend issolargewhenhegetsupoutofachairittakesithalfanhourtocoolofflooksabagofnickleslookslikefiftypoundsofusedchewinggumlooksliketwobaby pigsunderabedsheetshe'sbuiltlikeablackwidowspider,whichmeansshehasaverylargerearendandsmalllegsandhandsthebackofherlaplooksliketwo bigcabbagesinatowsackhisbuttisbiggerthanariverbottomcoon.Coonslivingalongariverbottomareoftenbetterfedandthusplumperthanmostother coons.

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REAREND,SMALLLooksalittlehollowcheekedscarcehippedol'sparrowbutt RECKLESSYou'replowingtooclosetothecottonyou'redrillin'tooclosetothepipeline RECONCILE,SOMEWHATBurythehatchetbutdon'tforgetwhereyoudugthehole. RECOVEREDHehauledoffandgotwell. REDAsthebottomstripeonaTexasflagasadirtroadintheCarolinasasababoon'sbutt REDNECKHe'ssocountry,hisbreathsmellslikecordwood. REFORMED,SOMEWHATHemendedhiswaysbutheusedmightythinthreadhegotpaintedintoanamencornerbutthepaintwasquickdrying REFORMERSomeonewhowantshisconsciencetobeyourguide. REINCARNATIONHebelievedinreincarnationsowhenhewrotehiswillhelefteverythingtohimself. RELATED,SORTOFWe'repeapatchkin.Thisphraseevolvedbackwhenpeaswereamainstayofmanycountrydiets.AsDonnisBaggettexplainedinacolumn fortheDallasMorningNews:"AsystemofinformalfarmcoopsevolvedbackwhenTexaswasaruralstate.Somefamilieshadmorekidsthanland,andthey neededmorepeasthantheycouldgrow.Somefamilieshadmoreacreagethankids,sotheyneededhelptofarmitall.Sincetheneedsofonecomplimentedthe assetsofanother,adealwasstruck.Twoorthreefamilieswouldcombineeffortsononegardenandsplittheproceeds.Manyofthefamiliesinvolvedinthesejoint ventureswererelatedtoeachother.Andincaseswheretheyweren't,peapatchromancesoftenledtofurthermergers,takeovers,andstocksplits.Hencetheterm, peapatchkin." Also,wewereweanedonmilkfromthesamecow(cowcousins),whichmeantthefamilieswerecloseenoughtoshareacowbutweren'tofficiallyrelated.Aneven closerversionmightbeweanedbythesamewetnurse.

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RELAXDon'tgetyourshortsinaknotdon'tgetyourpantyhoseinapiledon'tgetyourdandruffup RELIABLEAsthesunrise RELIGIOUSDIFFERENCEDippersandsprinklersdon'tmix. RELIGIOUSFREEDOMTherighttogotochurchortogofishing RELIGIOUSPERSON,ALMOSTThechurchhecurrentlydon'tattendisBaptist.SeealsoChurchGoer,Infrequent RELIGIOUSPERSON,DEVOUTHethinksthechickencamefirst'causeGodwouldn'tevertakenthetimetositonanegg. RELIGIOUS,BUTCHEAPHe'saclinkChristian,whichmeanseverytimethecollectionpasseshimyouonlyheartheclinkofafewcoinsbeingdroppedin. RELIGIOUS,SOMETIMESAweekendCatholic.ApersonwhowasalittlelessreligiouswouldbeanEasterSundayCatholic.Andtheleastreligiousofall wouldbeadeathbedCatholic,whichmeansheonlygotreligionwhenhethoughthewasgonnadie.Youcansubstitutethereligionofyourchoicebuttheimplication isclear,thepersoninvolvedisonlyreligioussomeofthetime. RELUCTANCEI'dratherslapmymammathandothatI'drathertakeoutapolarbear'sappendixwithapenknifethandothatSeealsoDon'tWantToIDon't CarePreference REMARKABLEPERSONHe'sgotbodaciousinhisbloodarealremarkablepersonisdoublebodacious REMARRIEDPOORLYHedivorcedthedevilandmarriedawitch. REMINDSMEPutsmeinthemindof REMOTELOCATIONAboutfiftymilespasttheresumespeedsign REPAIR,TEMPORARYJustgaveitalickandapromisewhitewashwon'tstrengthenthefencebutitmakesitlookbetterwhenthepreachercomescalling REPEATINGYou'vealreadytreedthatcoon. REPRIMANDBring'emdownanotchortwocool'eraoffadegreeortwo

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REPUTATIONAmaniswellknownbythecompanyheavoids. REQUIREMENTIfyougiveadanceyougottapaytheband. RESCUEDSnatcheditoutofthefireinthenickoftime.Coalsorgreasecanbeusedinplaceoffire. RESEARCHSeePlagiarism RESEMBLESFavorstakesafter RESERVE,LARGEHedon'thaveanaceuphissleeve,he'sgotthewholedangeddeck. RESISTTEMPTATIONNomatterhowmuchyouwantto,nevertellanIRSagenttokissyourbutt. RESOLVEDWefinallygottothebottomoftheswampandfoundthedrainplug. RESOURCES,INADEQUATEHehasconvertibletasteandapickupbudget. RESPONSIBILITYSeeAcceptResponsibility RESTROOMSandbox RESTRICTEDIt'sdifficulttorunwiththebigdogswhenyou'rechainedtotheporchI'mhogtied RESTRICTIONThatcrampsmystyle RESULTS,POORHedidalotofgrindingbuthedidn'tgetmuchcorn. RETALIATEGivebackasgoodasyougotorbetterbackcuss RETIRE,EARLYGotobedwiththechickens. RETIREDPasteurizedturnedinhissaddle RIBSSmackbonessteerstaves RICHHe'sgotmoremoneythanmeandGodputtogetherhe'sstiffintheheelshe'sgotenoughmoneytoburnawetelephantherkitchenhasfiveroomshe evenhiredsomeonetostandaroundwithhistongueoutsohe'dneverhavetolickhisownenvelopesSeealsoWealthy RICH,BUTINEPTHetriedtoorderacarpoolforhisCadillac. RICHCHILDHewasraisedinaflooredpen.Thiscomesfromhogfarmerswhocanaffordfancyflooredpensfortheirhogs. RIDGetshedof

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RIDICULOUSAsaskingapoliticiantoguardyourwalletasbuildingabeehivenexttoabear'sden RIGHTEOUSDoinggoodain'tnofununlessyou'recaughtintheact. RINGRang,asin:"Irangthebell,Iheardthebellrang,orIgaveheranengagementrang." RIOGRANDERIVERAnearlyTexassettleroncesaidoftheriver,"Itisamilewideandafootdeep,toothintoplow,toothicktodrink."Duringprohibition,the RioGrandewassaidtobetheonlyriverintheworldthatwaswetononesideanddryontheother.ItalwayspronouncedasRioGrand(withouttheriver)andnever asRioGrandee. RISES,FASTAsgasolinepricesinaMideastcrisis RISKTAKINGYou'retapdancinginaminefieldyou'rebathingwithsharks.DonaldCarterownstheDallasMavericksandhe'shadsomeanxiousmomentswith oneofhisplayerswhohasviolatedtheNBAsubstanceabusepolicy.Followingtheplayer'sarrest,Carterlamented,"...thisiswhathappenswhenyoubathewith sharks.Sometimesyougetbit."you'recountingthecarsinafuneralprocessionwhich,accordingtoanoldcountrylegend,meansyouwillbethenexttobeburied you'rewalkingthroughaforestfirewithawoodenlegyou'rekissinganuglywoman.Ifyoukissanuglywomanshe'lltelltheworldandruinyourreputationwiththe otherladiesasdrivinginafog,especiallyifitisamentalfogSeealsoAtRiskDangerous RIVER,DRYThefishraiseddustswimmingupstreamtheriverhadtobeirrigatedbeforethekidscouldgoswimming RIVER,SHALLOWAwalkin'river.TheRioGrandebetweenTexasandMexicoissaidtobeawalkin'riverbecauseinmostspots,illegalalienssimplywalk acrossit.Insomeplacestheriverissoshallow,theycanwalkacrosswithoutgettin'theirfeetwet. Also,thelifeguardsonlyhavetoknowhowtowadeahogcrossin'river,whichmeansthehogsarewalkingacrossit.Althoughhogscanswim,theydon'tliketo. thewaterissolowthe

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catfisharegettingfreckled,whichmeanstheyarespendingtoomuchtimeinthesun ROACHES,BIGAschocolateeclairsthey'resobigyouhavetohaveahuntin'licensetokill'emwhenJerryGlanvillewasthecoachoftheHoustonOilershe wasaskedabouttheadvantageofplayingintheAstrodome.Herepliedthatoneadvantagewasthesizeofthecockroaches.Itwashisopinionthatplayersfromother citieshadneverseenroachesthatbigandthusweredistractedfromthegame.Astohowbigtheroacheswere,Glanvilleclaimedtheyweresobighisplayerswould ridethemouttotheteambusafteragame. ROAD,DIRTArkansasasphalt ROAD,ROUGHAnOklahomafreewayheadachehighwayacorduroyroadroughasawashboardabadroadwillcallthemilemarkersliars,whichmeansit seemsthatmilesarelongeronbadroads ROAD,SMALLApigtrail ROAD,WINDINGTheroadwassocrookedasnakebrokeitsbackgoingaroundacorner. ROADTOSUCCESSIsalwaysunderconstruction ROBBEDTheytookeverythingbutthefillingsinmyteeth. ROBBER,INEPTHeputhisskimaskonbackwardsandtriedtoholdupapolicestation.SeealsoCrookThief ROCKINGCHAIRGivesyousomethingtodobutitdon'tgetyounowhere RODEORegardlessofwhattheysayinCalifornia,itspronouncedrowdeeo. ROOM,COLDEnoughtouseasadeerlocker ROOM,CROWDEDThereain'tenoughroomleftforashadow. ROOM,LARGEYoucoulddrillaregimentinit. ROOM,MESSYLookslikeWillieNelsonheldhislastfourthofJulypicnicinthere. ROOM,SMALLYouhavetoleaveifsunshinecomesinthewindowifyouputthekeytoofarintothelockyou'llbreakthewindowthefurnitureispaintedon thewallyoucan'tcussthecatwithoutgettingamouth

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fulloffurthedoghastowaghistailupanddowninsteadofsidewaysyouhavetouseacrutchandsleepstandingupyouhavetogooutintothehalltochange yourmindyoucouldn'tpuckeryourlips ROPE,LONGAsaGeorgiawellropelongenoughtohangallthewashinTennesseeonit ROUGHASAsarockseatinanouthouseasapeanutpattyasabedofbrokenrocksasacat'stongue ROUGHHEWNDavyCrockettoncedescribedsomethingroughhewnaslookinglikeithadbeencutoutofagumlogwithabroadaxe.Usingabroadaxeona gumlogwouldsurelyproducearoughhewnappearance. ROUNDUPCowmaneuvers RUIN,IMMINENTThehogsareinthecornthelittleDutchboydonepulledhisfingeroutofthedykethecankerisintheflower.Acankerisadestructive caterpillar. RUINED(Ruint) RULERBackscratcher RUMORIslikeacheck,neverendorseittillyouknowit'sgoodremember,afourinchtonguecankillasixfootman RUNAROUNDGavemeasonganddancehecrawfishedonme RUNNERSeeFastRunnerorSlowRunner RUNNINGAROUNDCavortin'aroundlikeafatponyinhighoatsgallivantinglikeascaredMexicanquail RUNSFASTAspantyhoseinabriarpatchaswaterthroughasievegoin'likeahouseafireherunslikehewasgingeredup,whichisareferencetotheold(and highlyillegal)practiceofmakingahorserunfasterbystickingsomegingerinaveryprivatespotjustbelowhistail.Thegingerwillburnandcauseirritationthatthe horse,initsinfinitewisdom,willtryhardtooutrun. RURALWelivesofaroutinthecountrywehavetoorderourmoonlightfromSearswelivesofaroutinthecountrythattheyholdSundayschoolonMonday nightcausenoonecangettothechurchbySundaymorningwelivesofarout

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inthecountrythatwehavetouseapossumforalapdogwelivesofaroutinthecountrythatnobodyelseevenlivesinourzipcodewelivesofaroutinthe countrywehavetowalktowardstowntogosquirrelhuntin'welivesofaroutinthecountrythatthesunsetsbetweenourhouseandthemainroadsofaroutinthe countrythatyoucan'tgettherefromhereit'snottheendoftheearthbutyoucanseeitfromthere

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S SAVINGSANDLOANOFFICERheusedtobetheloanarranger,nowhe'stheloanstranger

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S
SACRIFICEThrowthevirginintothevolcanothrowhimtothewolves SADWouldmakeaglasseyeinajarshedtearswouldmakeyouwanttotuneupyourcrierwouldjerkthetearsrightoutoftheirlittleductswouldmakean Italianstatuecry SADMOVIEItbroughtalumptomythroatbigasafishin'bobberit'satwoboxmovie,whichmeansyou'llneedatleasttwoboxesofKleenextomakeitthrough SADASAcountrysong SADAMHUSSIENTheDamnInsane SADDLESORESNoonebutyourdoctorandyoursweetheartareevergonnaseethescars. SAFEAsapossum(orcoon)inahollowlog.Althoughthedogswilltry,thepossumisusuallysafeinsidethelogsolongasitwaitsforthedogstoleavebefore stickingoutitsheadasanAlamosquirrel.ThereareseveralsquirrelswholiveonthegroundsoftheAlamoinSanAntonio,Texas.Whilethesquirrelsarenot specificallyprotected,noonemesseswiththem,perhapsbecauseofthelargesecurityguardswhoalwaysseemtobepresent. SALESMAN,GOODCouldsellmoonshinewhiskeyataBaptistprayermeetingcouldsellclotheshangersatanudistconventioncouldsellsandtoanArabhe couldsellhotwaterinhellhecouldsellmanuretoafeedlotoperator.Afeedlotoperatorproducesonlytwothings,cowsandmanurehecouldsellcarbonpaper toXeroxhecouldselllefthandedscrewdriverscouldsellBiblesatanatheistconventionhecantalkyouintodebt SALESMAN,MEANHe'dsellthewhistleoffthefactoryandnobodywouldknowwhentogohome.

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SALESMAN,POORCouldn'tsellsuntanlotiononanudebeachhecouldn'tsellfeatherstoapluckedchickencouldn'tsellMaloxonWallStreethecouldn't sell$50billsfor$10 SALOON,DANGEROUSTheBrawlofFameahold'emandhit'emjointwheretheycheckyouforgunsandifyoudon'thaveonetheysupplyit SALTPORKCincinnatihamArkansaschicken SARCASMBarbedire SAUSAGEOneoftwothingsyoushouldneverseemade.Theotherisalaw. SAVINGSANDLOANOFFICERHeusedtobetheLoanArrangerbutnowhe'stheLoanStranger. SAWTOOMUCHGotadoubleeyeful SAYGRACEAsktheblessing SAYTHATAGAINLickthatcalfagain SCARCEAshorsemanureinatwocargarageaspigtracksonalinentableclothSeealsoRareAs SCARECROW,EFFECTIVEThat'ssuchagoodscarecrowthecrowsbroughtbackthecorntheystolelastyear. SCAREDThebutterfliesinmystomachhavebutterfliesscaredthepuddin'outofme(makeupyourownmindastowhatpuddin'meansinthisinstance)shewas soscaredherpantyhosewerequivering SCARYMadehishairstandonendandhewaswearingatoupeeIhadgoosebumpsbigasnickelsgivesmethehebejebesmyunderwearwascreepinguplike ithadlegsmakesyourfingernailssweatasarattlesnakeinyoursleepingbag SCARYSITUATIONIt'sseatsquirmingtimethatmademybuttpuckersohardIhadtouseacrowbartogetmyjeansoutofthecrackthat'lltakethecurloutof yourhairorputacurlinyourhair,takeyourpick SCATTEREDAlloverhellandhalfofDixielikecannonballsattheAlamo(oratGettysburg)likericeatawedding SCOLDRakehimoverthecoals. SCHEDULEDancecard,asin''Ican'tseeyoutill

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Tuesday'causemydancecardisfulltillthen." SCRATCHEDUPHelookslikehewassackin'bobcatsandranoutofsackshelookslikeheclimbedthroughabarbedwirefencetofightawildcatinacactus patchSeealsoBloody SCRATCHINGLikeadogatafleaconvention SCRATCHYAsburlapBVDsastowsackbloomers SCREWEDUPYouspitinyourownhatyourippedyourshortsonthatoneyoudroppedyourdrawersinthewrongparadeyouholleredcomeonwhenyou meantsic'emyoustoleawatermelonoutofthesheriff'spatch SCREWEDUP,BIGTIMEYoushotyourselfinthefootwithacannon. SEAMSTRESS,GOODSheusesafriskyneedle. SEARCHLooktohellandbackturnoveralltherocks SEAT,SMALLAhugmetightseat,whichcomesfromthedaysofthebuggywhenseatswerenotoriouslysmall.Ifyoupickedupyourbestgirlforarideinthe country,shealmosthadtohugyoutighttostayintheseatbecausetherewasn'tmuchroom. SECRETSEasytohear,hardtokeepsomethingyoutellonlyonepersonatatime SEEMS'Pearstome SELFCENTEREDHedon'tthinkthecardswereshuffledgoodunlesshegetsagoodhand. SELFCONTROLTheabilitytonoteventrytokeepupwiththeJonesesifyoucan'tcontrolyourselfyoucan'tcontrolyourhorse SELFEMPLOYEDDanglingonhisownhook SELFMADEMANMostmenwhoareselfmadeareusuallymissingafewpartshemaybeaselfmademanbuthewasn'tmadewithskilledlabor SELFTAUGHTJackleg,suchasjacklegmechanic,jacklegcarpenter,orjacklegbrainsurgeon SENSEOFVALUE,POORHesitsina$50saddleona$20horse. SENSITIVETouchous,asin"He'smighttouchousabouthisnew$10boots."

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SEPARATETHEGOODFROMTHEBADSeparatethegoatsfromthesheepseparatethechickenthievesfromthepreachers(orthechickenthievesfromthe chickenpluckers) SERIOUSAsasnakebiteasaheartattackasadivorceasabarbedwiretoiletseat SERIOUSSITUATIONIt'scuttin'time,whichcomesfromtheactofcuttingbullstomakethemsteers.Forabull,thereain'tnosituationmoreseriousthancuttin' time. SERMONThepreacherfeature SERMON,LONGAgrowler,whichmeansthepreachertalkedsolongalotofemptybelliesinthecongregationwerebeginningtogrowl.Anemptybellyhatesa longsermon. SERVINGHelping SETINHISWAYSHedon'twanttobeconfusedbythefacts. SETTLEMENTWesplitthebiscuitandbothgotahalf,whichmeanstheargumentendedwhenthebountywasdividedevenly. SEXAmisdemeanor.Themoreyoumissitthemeaneryouget. SHAKEHANDSPresssomeflesh,asLyndonJohnsonsaid. SHAKINGLikeaheninadustbath.Whenahendecidestotakeadustbath,shecoversherselfwithloosedustandthenshakesalloveruntilthedusttothrownoff. Anyoneshakinglikeaheninadustbathwouldbeshakingalloverviolently.SeealsoNervous SHALLOWPERSONHe'slikeabassdrum,hemakesalotofnoisebutthereain'tmuchinside. SHARECROPPINGFarmingonthehalves(orthirdsorfourths,dependingonthedeal). SHARPSeeKnife,Sharp SHARPTONGUEDHeeatsrazorsoup SHACK,POORArattlesnakewouldbeashamedtomeethismotherinsidethatshack. SHE'SLEAVINGShe'swearingher"it'sallover"coat. SHINYAsadiamondinagoat'sbutt.Donkey,coon,or

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catcanbesubstitutedforgoat. SHOCKEDEXPRESSIONYoulooklikeyoujustwetonanelectricfence.OnapigfarmnearLubbock,TexasafewyearsagoIwashelpingafriendtendtohis hogs.NaturecalledandIaskedwheredoIgotorelievemyself.Thefriendpointedtoabushandsaid"watertheplants."Whathedidnotsaywasthathisbrandnew electricfenceranjustbeneaththatbush.Well,sincewateranykindofwaterisanexcellentconductorofelectricity,Isoonlearnedtheerrorofmyways.The friendswearsIwenteightfeetstraightbackandlandedwithathudinsomepigmanure.ThirtyminuteslaterwhenIfinallygotmybreathback,thefriendalsosworeI hadthemostshockedexpressiononmyfacethathehadeverseen.Ihaveneverdoubtedhim. SHOEHORNSlipperslide SHOES,HIGHHEELSStiltshoescalfenhancers SHOOKUPAstequilainablenderasmilkinarunnin'cow SHOOTUncorkashell SHORTLIVEDThatlastedaboutaslongashoarfrost.SeeGlistens SHORTPERSONHecouldn'tseeoveraswaybackedMexicanburrohe'dhavetostandonastepladdertokickagrasshopperinthebacksidehe'sabouttail hightoawoodenIndianSeealsoSmallManMale,Short SHORTTIMEAboutaslongasyoucanstareatanotherwomanbeforeyourwifeslapsthesnotoutofyouaboutaslongasyoucanstareatanothermanbefore yourhusbandgetsnervousaboutaslongasyoucanstareatacoldbeerwithouttakingaswig SHORTS,TIGHTSeeJeans,Tight SHOTGUNAsJustinWilsonfromLouisianamightsay,"Atwicebarrelshootgun." SHOTGUNWEDDING,FORMALTheypaintedtheshotgunwhite. SHOULDNOTYouhadn'toughtadothat. SHOULDERHOLSTERAnaceinthearmpit

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SHOVELER,EXPERTHefillsupthebackendoftheshovelfirst,whichimplieshejamstheshovelallthewayintothedirt,whichisthemostefficientwaytousea shovel. SHOWOFFShe'swearingawhitehatintheshowring.Mostcontestantsinahorseshowwearblackorbrownhats.Anyonewearingawhiteoneisthoughttobe purposelycallingattentiontohimorherself. SHREWDHecouldgointoarevolvingdoorinthesectionbehindyouandbeatyouout. SHRIVELEDUPLikea200poundraisin(orprune) SHRUNKDrawedup,asin"WhenshewashedmynewshirtitdrawedupsomuchIdidn'trecognizeitforashirt." SHUTUPPutastobinitcheckyourtongueputalidonyourvoiceboxandscrewitclosed SHYAsanoldmaidskinnin'apolecat SICKIwassosickthatthereisfolksinacemeteryfeelin'betterthedoctorsaidifIgotanyworsehe'dhavetochangemyprescriptiontoembalmingfluidmynose isrunninglikeatouristwhodrankMexicanwaterIgotthewhistleberrythumpsandthebackdoortrotsI'vegotthegreenapplenastiesSeealsoIllandIll, Gravely SIDEWAYSSlaunchways SIGHT,IMPAIREDHisglasseslensesaresothicktheylooklikethebottomsoutofCokebottles. SILKAmaterialinventedsowomencouldbeseennakedinpublic. SIMILARITIES,NONESeeNoSimilarities SIMPLEAneasyrowtohoeaneasyfishtoclean SIMPLEMINDEDLikeagoose,hewakesupinadifferentworldeverydayhedon'tknowscatfromscouthedon'tknowahawkfromahandsawhedon't knowspitfromshinolaSeealsoDumb,Ignorant,Stupid SINGER,HIGHVOICEShesingsnotessohigh,you'dswearshehadherhaircaughtinawringer. SINGER,POORTheycallhim"gatemouth"'causehesingslikeaswinginggatewitharustyhingehecancarryagreattunebuthe

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can'tunloaditworthadamnafterhecarriesatuneithasfingerprintsnooneknowswhathedidwiththemoneyhismothergavehimforsinginglessons SINNER,REFORMEDFromnowon,theonlythinghe'llbeguiltyofissingingtooloudinchurch.Thatprettywellmeanshehasruinedhisbadreputation. SIPHONHOSEOklahomacreditcard SISSYHehadtoliveathomewhilehewenttocollege'causehewasstillbein'wetnursedsuffersfromwimplashhe'sgotlittleredheartsonhisshorts SITUATION,DELICATEAblondehairinthebutteraflyinthebuttermilk(orointment) SITUATION,PERPLEXINGIt'stooslowforpossumandnotfastenoughforcoon. SITUATION,POORHe'slikeaMissourimule,noancestryandnohopeforposterity. SITUATION,REVERSEDNowthehorseshoesareonthemulenowthebootisontheotherfoot SITUATION,SENSITIVEWegotaskunkunderthechurch. SIZEDON'TCOUNTEventhemeanestbullhastodefendhimselffromflies. SIZZLEDLikealizardstuckbylightning SKEPTICApersonwhobelievesthatsomethingwhichlookslikemanure,smellslikemanure,andtasteslikemanuremightbecustardpudding. SKEPTICALWouldn'tbelievethatevenifGodandhalfthedisciplessworetoitandthegovernorofMississippinotarizedit.(Thegovernorofanystateyoulikecan besubstitutedforMississippi.) SKINSPECIALISTItchdoctor SKINNEDUPSkinthelookslikeastrawberrypatch.Strawberry,inthiscase,referstothesuperficialskinwoundsyougetwhenyouslidealittletoohardon someroughgroundhelookslikehewasdrugoverthreemilesofgravelroadbyarunawayhorseSeealsoFace,SkinnedUp SKINNYMANIfhewasinthecircus,theycouldshoot

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himoutofashotguninsteadofacannonheain'tnuthin'butbreathandbreecheshedon'tcarryakeytothefrontdoor'causehejustcrawlsthroughthekeyholeif heplayedhideanseekhecouldgetlostbehindaclotheslinepoleifhewasalittletalleryoucouldusehimasacanepolewhenyouwentfishinghe'ssoskinnyhe inspectsoilwellsfromtheinsidehehastowalkpastaplacetwicetocastashadowhelookslikeanearthwormwiththegutsslungoutwhenheworksouthis bonessweatwhenitrainshecanrunbetweentheraindropsandnotgetwetyoucouldusehimforatomatostakehe'ssoskinnyhehastowearflippersinthe showertokeepfromgoingdownthedrainSeealsoMale,SkinnyThin SKINNYWOMANShecouldwalkthroughaharpandnotstrikeanoteifsheblushedrealbad,she'dlooklikeanupsidedownthermometerifshewasan artist'smodeleveryonewoulddrawstickpeopleshewearsathreadbikini(asopposedtoastringbikini)ifyouwereinbedwithheryou'dhavetoshakethesheets tofindherifsheturnedsidewaysandclosedoneeyeshe'dlooklikeaneedleSeealsoFemale,Skinny SKIRT,SHORTAdeepwaterskirt,whichmeansshecanwadeindeepwaterwithoutgettingherskirtwet SLEEPLIKEABABYPeoplewhosaytheysleeplikeababydon'thaveone. SLICKAspolishediceasaneeldippedinaxlegreaseassnotonaglassdoorknobasoiloniceasabullsnakedippedinhotbutterSeealsoPolitician, Devious SLIPPERYGobacktoSlick SLOPBUCKETSlopjarthunderbucket SLOWDOWNHolditdowntoagentlepromenadewhoaupalittleorgivethemwhoareinsagoodjerkputtheflapsdownthrottlebackontheafterburner testyouranchor SLOWDRIVERHe'saonemantrafficjamhethinkseverydayisSundayshe'satwoshifter.Intheolddays,mostcarscamewiththreespeedmanual transmissions.Asyouaccelerated,youshiftedtoa

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highergearasthespeedincreased.Somefolks,especiallylittleoldladiesontheirwaytochurch,neverwentfastenoughtoshiftintothirdgearsotheyweretwo shifters. SLOWPERSONHe'ssoslowyouhavetosetoutsomestakestoseeifheismovinghecouldn'tcatchafatdoghookedtoaleashhemovesslowerthancream doeswhenrisinginbuttermilkhemovesslowerthanafleaabandoningadeaddog(Thepoorol'fleajustdon'twanttoadmithe'slosthismealticket.)hecouldn't evencatchthecabooseonagravytrainhe'smovin'slowasashortleggedturtleinamolassesspillSeealsoMoves,Slow SLOWPOKEAdusteater.Onacattledrive,anyonebringinguptherear(ridingdrags)hadtoeatalotofthedustkickedupbytheherdinfrontofthem.Onlythe slowestcowboywouldeverridebehindtheherd. SLOWRUNNEROnagooddayhecouldoutrunaglacieroranewborncolt. SLOWWITTEDHedon'tknowmanurefrommothballswhichiswhyhisclosetsmellsfunnyandhistomatoesdiedittakeshimanhourandahalftowatch"60 Minutes" SMALLPissantsizednobiggerthananubbin(JohnWayne'sfavorite)asalandlord'sheartaboutasbigasabarofsoapinaboomtownbordin'house.During thegreatoilboomsofthe1920sand1930s,boardinghouseswerenotoriousforsupplyingveryfewamenitiesatveryhighprices.Afterafewdirtyroughnecksgota turnatonebarofsoap,therewasn'tmuchleftfortherestofthecrew.SeealsoEggs,Small SMALLHEADHecouldlookthroughakeyholewithbotheyesatthesametime. SMALLMANHe'dhavetostandonastepladdertolookaPygmyinthenavel.SeealsoMale,Short SMALLTOWNSeeTown,Small SMELLSBADAsawetjavelinapigasbadasanEasteregginJulywoulddrivebuzzardsoffaroadkillasbadasamildewedsaddleblanketonasoreback horsethatwasrodethreehundredmilesinAugust

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SMILEOnesmilefromaprettygirlisworthtenfromabartendertheworld'sbestfacelift SMILE,BIGShesmilessobig,shesmearslipstickonherearsasapoliticianinarunoffasagameshowhost SMILINGLikeadeadhoginthesunshine.Thissayingoriginatedfromhogsthatwerebutcheredandlaidoutintheyardofthepackin'plant.Whenthesungothot, theskinonthehogsfacewoulddrawup,givingtheimpressionthatthedeadhogwassmiling. SMOOTHAsbutterinmolasses SNACKAtideover,asin"Thatcandybar'lltidemeover'tilldinner." SNAKE,LARGEBigasafirehose SNARLSLikeaRussianrestaurantworker SNORESLOUDEnoughtoknockwallpaper(orpaint)offawall SNORINGCallin'hishogslaughandtheworldlaughswithyou,snoreandyousleepalone SNOW,DEEPElbowdeeptoatenfootwoodenIndianthesnowwassodeeparoundthecabinthatwehadtositdownonashotgunandshootourselvesupthe chimneytogetout SNOW,HEAVYLooksliketherewasanexplosioninafeatherpillowfactorytheangelsareputtin'newfeathersintheirpillows SOBERAsacorpse SOCIALLIFE,LACKINGAnuninaconventhasabettersociallifethanIdo. SOFTASTheinsideofacalf'searasababy'skiss SOLDIER,DEDICATEDIfhediedwithhisbootson,they'dbepolished. SOLUTION,TEMPORARYYou'rejustpatchingacrackinsteadoffixingthefoundationyourjustputtin'CocaColainthetransmission.Usedcardealersare notoriousforhavingtemporarysolutionstofixlargeproblemswithusedcars.AlittleCokeinaslippingtransmissiongumsuptheworksforawhileandmakeitseem likethecarisfine.Othertemporarysolutionsaresawdustina

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slippingrearendandIvorysoaponaleakinggastank. SOLVEDTHEMYSTERYWetreedthecoon. SOONDirectly,asin"I'llgetitdonedirectly." SOPHISTICATEDHecanquoteShakespearewithoutcreditingittotheBible. SOREStoveupIfeellikeacowthatwasmilkedbyCaptainHookI'massoreasaporcupinewithaningrownquillIgotakinkinmygetalong,whichisalittle worsethanahitchinyourgetalongorbeingdowninyourgetalong SOUND,GOODLikethepitterpatteroflittlefeetgoinghome. SOUND,OMINOUSAgunshotinagraveyardtheBudwiserwhistle,whichisthewhistlingsoundabeerbottlemakeswhenthrownacrossthedancefloorina honkytonk.Youcansubstitutemostanybrandofbeeryoulikebutpleaseonlydomesticbrands,sinceimportedbeerisnotarealfavoriteinhonkytonks. SOUND,THUDLikeabullriderlandingonhisback SOUP,THICKAsMississippimud SOUREnoughtopuckerahogsbutt SOWBELLYMEATArkansasorhillbillychicken SPANKRufflehistailfeathersgivehimaonehandedsalute SPEAKFRANKLYTellitlikeitoughttobe. SPEAKKINDLYAsharptonguemightcutyourthroat. SPEAKSOFTLYThesofteryouspeak,thelesswearandtearyouputyourtonguethrough. SPEAKER,EXPERIENCEDHecangivedirectionswithoutusinghishandsareallyexperiencedspeakercandescribeaprettygirlindetailwithoutusinghis hands.Goahead,tryit.SeealsoAdviceforSpeakers SPEAKER,LONGWINDEDHegoesaroundthepigtwicetogettothetail,whichmeansittakeshimalongtimetogettothepoint. SPEAKINGENGAGEMENT,DIFFICULTYou'refightin'thefood.Ifyouhavetogivea

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speechwhiletheaudienceiseating,youwilllose'causenoonecancompetewithfood. SPECIFICSeeBeSpecific SPEECH,TOOLONGKeepitshort'causethemindcanonlyabsorbwhatthebacksidecanendureifthecookusesshortening,youshouldtoo SPEEDINGLikeabatoutofGeorgia SPELLER,POORHeneverlearnedtospell'causetheteacherkeptchangingthewords. SPENDTIMEWISELYApolicemancancatchmorethieveswatchingachickencoopthanhecanwatchingasaloon. SPENDSALOTShelivesherlifebasedonthreeprincipals:spendtilltheend,buytillyoudie,shoptillyoudropVisaisconsideringputtin'herpictureonevery newcardtheyissue SPENTAllpeteredout SPINELESSAsaburlapsackasaKleenexasabowlofspaghetti SPIRITEDHe'sgotalotofgumptionshe'smightyfeisty SPITTER,EXPERTCouldspittobaccointotheneckofaswingin'bottlehecouldspittobaccojuicethroughanewbroomandnotgetasinglestrawwet. SPLATTEREDLikeacountrycowwettin'onacitysidewalk SPORTSTheperspiringartsjockdom SPOUSE,FATHe'sgotmoremeatinhisbedthanhedoesinhissmokehouse. SPREADOUTLikedishesatachurchsocial SPREADQUICKAsawildfireindrygrassasarumorinaretirementhome SPREADRUMORSTalkin'outofschoolSeealsoGossip SPRINGTIMEStruttin'andgobblin'time SPRINGYAscurbfeelersona'48Dodge SQUEAKSLikespringsinafatwoman'sbed STALLINGYou'rejustspittin'onthehandlestandin'aroundlikeawettree STANDARDS,LOWIfgirlswereratedonascaleofIto10with10bein'thebest,hisideaofaperfect10wouldbe

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a4carryingasixpackofbeer. STARCHEDSHIRTPetrifiedshirt STARTTROUBLEPulltheplugontranquility. STARTLEDLikehewashitwithachurchstick,whichisalongstickwithafoxtailononeendthatisusedtoticklepeoplewhohavefallenasleepinchurch. STATISTICS,MEANINGLESSItdon'tmakeanydifferenceiftheaveragedepthoftheriverisfivefeetorfiveinchesonceyou'redrownedBaseballlegend BobbyBraganhadsomewordsforfolkswhofoolwithstatisticstodeveloppercentages.Hesaid,''Sayyouwerestandingwithonefootintheovenandonefootinan icebucket.Accordingtothepercentagepeople,youshouldbeaboutperfectlycomfortable." STATUSQUOBlackieSherrodoftheDallasMorningNewsoncequotedacountrypreacherassayingthatstatusquowasLatinfor"themessweisin." STAYCLOSESticktohimlikevarnishonadresser. STAYTILLTHEENDI'mgonnastaytillthelastdogdies. STAYEDTOOLONGOverstayedtheinvitation,suchastheyinvitedyouoverforsupperandyoustayedforbreakfasttheystayedtillthelastpeawasoutofthe dish STEAK,TENDERThissteakissotenderIdon'tseehowitheldthecowtogether. STEERThedifferencebetweenabullandasteeristhatabullhashisworkcutoutforhimandasteerhashadhisworkscutout. STICKINGOUTLikeacowcatcheronthefrontofaswitchengine STICKSLikemeltedgumtoahorse'stail(ortennisshoe)likespaghettisaucetoasilktielikestinktoaskunk'stail STICKYAsGeorgiablacktopinJuly STIFFAsatowbarascordwoodasanItalianmarblestatue STILLAsaratinthelightofafloodlight.Deer,possum,orrabbitcanbesubstitutedforrat.

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STINGSLikerocksaltinyourbutt.Anyonewhohasevertriedtostealwatermelonsfromapatchguardedbyafarmerarmedwithashotgunloadedwithrocksalt knowsexactlyhowmuchthesaltstingswhenithitsyourbackside.Ifyouhaven'texperiencedthesensation,youcantrustmeonthisoneitstings. STINGYTheonlythingheevergivesisadvicehe'donlygiveyouthesleevesoffhisvesthewon'tevengivehiswifeanargumentifhedon'tsharehiswhiskeylet himcatchhisownhorse,whichmeansifsomeonedrinksallthewhiskeybyhimself,he'llgetgoodanddrunkandprobablyneedsomehelptocatchhishorseSeealso FrugalMiser STOODOUTLikeatallmanatafuneral STOPHIMSpikehiscannons,whichmeansdriveanironspikeintothetouchholeonthebreechofamuzzleloadingcannon.Onceacannonhasbeenspikeditis useless,sotheartilleryhasbeenstoppedfromdoinganymoredamage. STOPPEDSUDDENLYHestoppedquickerthanabarefootbowler.Inbowling,theapproachtothelanesisveryslickso,withthepropershoes,youcanslideto thefoullinewhenmakingyourdelivery.Ifyoutriedthatbarefooted,youwoulddefinitelycometoasuddenstopthemomentyoutriedtoslide. STOUTAsaMexicanplatelunchasmare'sbreathSeealsoBreath,Bad STRANGEPERSONHisbiscuitsain'tgoldenbrownhe'safewbricksshortofafullloadhe'safewcardsshortofhavingafulldeckheain'twrappedtoo tighthe'swireddifferentthantherestofushistractordon'tgetmuchtractionheain'tworkin'withafullstringoflightsSeealsoActingStrange,Crazy,Idiot, OddPerson STRANGERWeain'tonborrowingtermsdon'tknowhimfromAdam(orherfromEve)BlackieSherrodoftheDallasMorningNewsoncewrote,"Iwouldn't knowhimifhewalkedintothisveryroomandplayed'CometoJesus'inwholenotesonabagpipe." STREETS,CROOKEDSanAntoniostreets.Ithasbeen

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saidthatthestreetsofSanAntonio,TexaswerelaidoutbyadrunkMexicanonablindmuleinasandstorm. STREETS,POOROklahomastreets.IthasbeenspeculatedthattheasphaltusedtopavestreetsinOklahomahaslesstarinitthanacartonofcigarettes. STRONG,SILENTTYPEHeboreswithadeepauger. STRONGASAnewwellrope STRONGPERSONHecanthrowhorseshoeswhentheyarestillattachedtothehorsehecouldknockatankoffitstrackshecouldthrowananvilacrossthe GrandCanyonatitswidestpoint STRUTTINGSashayin'flappingelbowslikeayoungroosterinlovewithhisownvoice STUBBORNAsabluenosemulehe'slikeahog,yougottohithimonthesnoutwithasticktogethisattentionherefusestobuylifeinsurancesoeveryonewill besadwhenhediesasatwoheadedmuletreatastubbornmanthewayyouwouldastubbornmuleyou'refixin'tocorral.Don'ttrytodrivehimin,justleavethe gateopenacrackandlethimbustin. STUCKAsadollarbillinamiser'swalletasacatinamudbog STUCKUPHernoseissofarupintheairshecoulddrowninathunderstormhernoseissofarupintheairasparrowtriedtobuildanestinhernose STUDENT,POORTheyhadtoburndowntheschooltogethimouthewasonlyinschoolfortwoterms,Johnson'sandNixon's(anytwotermscanbe substituted)fighterRockyGrazianooncesaid,"Iquitschoolinthesixthgradebecauseofpneumonia.NotbecauseIhaditbutbecauseIcouldn'tspellit." STUDENTATHLETETheonlythingshecanpassareaphysicalandaurinetest. STUPIDMANHesawsomebabypigssuckingonmammaandthoughttheywereblowingherupheopenedatallman'sshopinTokyohe'dchangetheoilina rentedcarhe'ssostupidhe'dgetinasquirtingcontestwithaskunkhisheadisfullofstumpwaterhedon'thavethesenseGodgaveascrewdriverhe

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don'thaveenoughbrainstofillupagnat'searhe'sgotaboutasmuchsenseaslastyear'sbirdnestifyouputhisbrainsonabutterpaddle,youwouldn'thave enoughtosmearonamosquito'sbackhispilotlightwentouthewasbornignorantandwentdownhillhejustgargledatthefountainofknowledgehetriedto hidebehindhiswife'sskirtandshewaswearingaminiskirthe'dholdafishunderwatertotrytodrownithe'sabouthalfassmartasTriggerthewonderhorsehe thinksJohnnyCashischangeforthepaytoiletSeealsoMale,Stupid STUPIDWOMANShedon'tknowifshe'swashin'orhangin'outshethinksJoanofArcwasNoah'swifeshe'ssostupidshecan'tpluckachicken'causeshe can'tfinditseyebrowssheplantedCheeriostryin'togrowdoughnutsshethinksmarshmallowsgrowinmarshesifshehadtwiceasmuchsenseshe'dbea halfwitshebuiltasnowmanandthenbroughtitinsidesoitwouldn'tgetcoldSeealsoFemale,Stupid SUBMARINECREWMANBubblehead.Acrewmanofanuclearsubmarineisaglowinthedarkbubblehead.Therewasonceacoupleofcountryboysfrom WestTexaswhojoinedthenavyandvolunteeredforsubmarinedutybecause,theysaid,they'dseenenoughwideopenspacestolastthreelifetimes. SUBSTANDARDItain'tuptosnuff SUBTLE,NOTVERYHe'saboutassubtleasarhinocerosinheatthat'saboutassubtleasapokeintheeyewithasharpstick SUCCEEDEDHekepthisheadupandhisoverheaddownifyouitchforsuccessdon'tstopscratchingneverletthesuncatchyouinbedifyouwanttoamount toanything SUCCEEDED,ALMOSTHefinallygottothetopoftheladderbutitwasleaningagainstthewrongwallhisshipcameinbutitdockedatthewrongpier SUCCEEDED,PERHAPSGothisendsmeetingbuttheyaretiedwithaslipknot. SUCCESSIstheresultofbackbone,notthewishbonewhenyearningmeetsearningbeingabletotell

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thetruthatyourhighschoolreuniontobeasuccessyouhavetojumpatopportunitiesasquickasyoudoconclusions SUCCESSFULPLANItwentoffwithoutahitch. SUCTION,GOODCouldpullaPecoscantaloupethroughanirrigationpipecouldbackstartaHarleyDavidsongotmoresuctionthanabucketfullofticks SULLENAsamuleinamudbogifheeversmiledit'dcrackopenhisfacelikeawatermelonthatfelloffawagon SUNBURN,BADHisheadlookedlikeabeachballturnedhimintoacrispycritter SUNRISESunup SUPERFICIALShallowriversandshallowmindsfreezefirst. SUPPORTINGCASTEventhebestsongwouldn'tsoundsogoodwithouttheminorkeys. SUPPOSESOReckonso SURETHINGAclosedsavingsandloanwouldreopenjusttoloanmoneyonityoucanbetthebaby'smilkmoneyonthatifyougambleonagooddealyou'll endupwithagooddealless,whichisanotherwayofsayingthereain'tnosuchthingasasurething,unlessyou'retalkingdeathandtaxes SURPLUSWegotmoreofthemthanwehadbuggywhipsinthe1920s.ThankstoHenryFord,theautomobilewasaninstantsuccesssomuchsothatmany vendorswerecaughtwithalargesurplusofbuggywhipsthatsuddenlynooneseemedtowant.Anymerchantwhohadmoreofsomethingthanhehadbuggywhips wasreallyoverstocked. SURPRISEDAsanearsightedporcupinetryingtomaketimewithacactusasacarchasin'dogthatcaughtone SURPRISEDOATHSeeOath SURPRISINGThat'llputakinkinyourhairthatsetmebackonmyheels SUSPICIONHedressestoogoodtobeaBiblesalesman,whichisareferencetooldtimedoortodoorBiblesalesmen.Theyneverhadmuchluckandthuswere neverdressedtoowell.You

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would,therefore,behighlysuspiciousofanyonethatwaswelldressedandclaimedtobeaBiblesalesman.Ithinkwegotaonearmedmaninthegame.Country folksarejustnaturallysuspiciousofaonearmedmaninanysortofgamebecausetheyseemtowinmoreoftenthantheylose. SUSPICIOUSHedon'ttrusthisownmemoryheonlybelieveshalfofwhatheseeswithhisowneyesasacountryboywhofoundtennisshoetracksunderhis wife'swindow.Sincecountryboysdon'tusuallyweartennisshoes,he'dnaturallybesuspiciousthatsomeoneelsewaspickin'fruitoffhistreeSeealsoSkeptical SWEATAwasteofgoodbeersomethingahardworkinghousewifehastoputupwithandherlazyhusbanddon'teversee SWEATER,TIGHTShefillsupthatsweaterlikehotwaxfillsupacandlemoldSeealsoJeans,Tight SWEATINGLikeaheiferinheatlikeahogbutcherafterafrostlikeaMississippicottonchopperonelectionday SWEEPRunabroomoverit. SWEETAsamother'skisswhenyou'resick SWEETPOTATOPIENewgroundpie SWIMMER,POORTheonlytimehegetsnearwateriswhenheusesitasachaser. SWOLLENUPLiketheheadofahorsethatwassnakebitonthenoseswollenuplikeapoisonedpup

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T TOWN,SMALLthetownwassosmallthe"ReduceSpeed"and"ResumeSpeed"signswereonthesamepole

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T
TACTFULIfhewasadoctor,hecouldgiveyouashotandyouwouldn'tfeeltheneedlehecansteponyourbootsandnotmessuptheshine TAKEABREAKShadeup TAKEACHANCEYoucan'tmakeanomeletwithoutbreakingsomeeggsyoucan'tstealsecondbaseandkeeponefootonfirstyouhavetogooutonthelimb ifyouwantthebestfruit TAKEACTIONTexasAgricultureCommissionerJimHightowersaid,"Thewaterwon'tclearuptillyougetthehogsoutofthecreek." TAKEAIMFillyoursightsgetyourcrosshairsonit TAKECAREOFYOUROWNBUSINESSFIRSTYoubettercleanyourfingerbeforeyoupointitatsomeoneelsecleanyourownbarnbeforeyoucomplain aboutthesmellcomingfromyourneighbor'sbarn TAKEITEASYCoolyoursaddlesome. TAKEOVERGetthedropon'em. TAKETHESHORTPATHThefartheryouride,thelongeritisback. TAKINGACHANCEYou'releadingwithyourchinyou'reunderatalltreeandathunderstormisbrewingyou'rebuyin'atiredhorse.Thisisareferencetothe oldhorsetrader'strickoftakingaspiritedhorseoutforalongridejustbeforeofferinghimforsaletosomeone.Thehorsewouldgettiredandsettledownlong enoughforthedealtobemadebutanyonebuyin'atiredhorsewastakingthechancethatoncetheanimalgothiswindbackhe'dbejustashardtohandleasever. TALKNICEYougetmorehogsinthepenbythrowingcorncobsinsteadofrocks. TALK,MEANINGLESSHe'sgotagoodlinebutthere

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ain'tnoclothespinsonit,whichmeanshe'sgotalottosaybutnotmuchofitisworthholdingonto. TALKATIVEIfacattriedtogethistonguehe'deatitfur,purr,andallshecouldtalktheloinclothoffawoodenIndiansheislikethesky,theonlytimesheis quietiswhensheisblueshecouldtalkthelegsoffababygrandpianohistongueistiedinthemiddleandwaggin'onbothendsshecantalktomatosoutofa canifsilencewasgoldenhecouldn'tearnaplugnicklehe'samanoffewwordsbutheusesthemoftenhecouldtalkforhalfanhourafterhetoldyouallhe knewshecantalktillyou'reblueinthefaceshecouldtalktheearsoffabrassmonkeyhehasenoughtongueforfiverowsofteethshe'sgotatonguelikeabell clapper TALKER,GOOD(ALMOST)He'sgotasilvertonguebutitisonlyplated. TALKER,PERSISTENTShe'slikeanecho,alwaysgetsinthelastword. TALKER,PERSUASIVEHecouldconvincehiswifeshedoesn'tlookgoodinminkshecouldtalkthedevilintoanamencorner TALKER,SLICKHeuseswordssopolishedyoucouldskateonthem. TALKINGBIGYou'respreadingmoremanurethanallthecatsinMississippicouldcoverup. TALKINGTOOMUCHHismindisonvacationwhilehismouthisworkingovertime. TALKSFANCYHe'ssilktongued. TALKSSLOWIttakeshimthreeandahalfhourstodescribeatwohourmovie. TALKSTOOFASTShecantalkfastenoughtoconfuseGod. TALKSWITHOUTTHINKINGShootsfromtheliphethinksbytheinchandtalksbytheyard(whichfrequentlymakesyouwanttomovehimbythefoot) TALLANDSKINNYHisAdam'sappledropssixincheswhenheswallowshelooksliketwoeyesmountedonacanepole TALLPERSONTheangelsinheavenhavetocuthishairandthedevilpolisheshisboots.

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TALLTALEHighlyembroideredstoryneverletthetruthstandinthewayofagoodstory TALLTALE,TEXASSTYLEThedifferencebetweenafairytaleandaTexastaleisthatafairytalebeginswith"Onceuponatime"andtheTexastalebeginswith, "Youain'tgonnabelievethis." TAN,PARTIALAfarmer'stan.Farmersspendalotoftimeoutsideandtheygenerallywearashirtundertheiroveralls.Theyalmostalwaysahaveadeeptanon theirneckandtheirforearms,whichmakesthemlookpartiallytannedwhentheytaketheirshirtoff. TANGLEDUPLikeabushelbasketfullofwirecoathangerslikeatackleboxfullofloosefishhooks.AmaninSouthCarolinaoncehadatackleboxsofullof tangledfishhooksthathegaveupevertryingtosortthemout.Insteadofthrowingthewholemessinthetrash,however,hecameuponastrokeofgenius.Hesentthe box,tangledhooksandall,toanoldgeezerwhohadthereputationforbeingamiser.Atlastreport,theoldmanhadspentmorethantwoyearsworkingonthe tangledmessandonlyhadahandfulofhookstoshowfortheeffort. TASTE,GOODSheputagoodscaldonitit'llmakeyourtongueslapyourbrainsout(orslapaneyeballout)ifitwasanybetter,I'drubitinmyhairsogood it'llmakeyourteethshakethat'dmakeyouwanttoslapyourgranny TASTE,BADThattasteslikerinsewaterfromaChineselaundrylikedilutedwallpaperpastelikerunoffwaterfromapackin'plantwouldharelipahyenathat tastesworsethanasalmon,onion,andsmokedsardinepizza,whichwasadelicacyPizzaHutinventedwhentheyexpandedintoRussia.Theybelievedthesardines andonionswouldbepalatablefortheRussianpeople,whichmayspeakvolumesaboutRussiantaste. TASTES,SIMPLEIwasweanedoncornbreadandicedtea. TAXESArelikegolf,youdrivehardtogettothegreenandendupinthehole TEACHER,GOODAneducatoroncesaidthatthe

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threethingstorememberwhenteachingare:1.knowyourstuff,2.knowwhoyou'restuffingand,3.stuffthemelegantly. TEACHER,POORHecouldn'tteachachickentopeck. TEETH,MISSINGHehassomanyteethmissinghetalkswithanecho. TEETH,STRONGShecouldbiteachunkoutofananvil(orarailroadrail). TELEPHONEOPERATORCallgirl TELEPHONESTATICThere'sadeadcathangin'onthelinesomewhere. TELLHIMOFFTellhimhowthecowatethecabbagegivehimatonguewhippin' TELLMEMOREPutsomemorekindlin'onthatfire. TELLINGTHETRUTHYouain'tjustwhistlin'Dixie. TEMPERTANTRUMArunning,orwalleyed,orsquallingfit TEMPERTheonlythingyoucanloseandstillhavehe'ssowelltemperedthathecanloseitthreeorfourtimesadayandnotrunout TEMPORARYAsamoviesetasacloudasaffectionfromafallenangel TEMPTATIONAcharactercheck TENDERLOVINGCAREAyearofnursingdon'tequaladayofsweethearting. TENNISPLAYER,STRONGHecanknockthefuzzofftheball. TENSEHe'swoundtightasapeavinethroughapicketfencehisnervesaretighterthanropeclotheslinesafterasoakin'rainhisnervesareastightasagut stretchedbetweentwopupshewassotensehehadtoslaphimselftosleep TENUOUSHe'sgotashakycaboose. TEQUILA(TaKillYa)Mexicangasoline TESTHIMTryhimonforsize. TEXAS(Texiz)Astateofmind TEXASWEATHERTheweatherinTexasprovesthatGodhasasenseofhumor.HaroldTaft,ofChannelFiveinDallas/FortWorth,oncereportedonsome strangeeventsrelatedtotheTexasweather.Whenhefinished

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thereport,Mr.Taftsortofshookhisheadandcommented:''Texasweatherwilldoanythingtogetintothenews." THANKYOUNOTEAbreadandbutterletter THATEXPLAINSITAh,thataccountsforthemilkinthecoconut,whichisanexpressionusedwhensomethingyoudon'tunderstand,likehowthemilkgetsinthe coconut,isfinallyexplained. THAWEDUnfrozeit.Achildonceofferedthefollowinggrace:"Lordblessthisfoodandthepersonthatunfrozeit." THEREISSTILLTIMEIt'sonlythunder,whichmeansithasnotstartedrainingyetsothereistimetofinishthejob.InhisbookIfITellYouaHenDipsSnuff, DonBowmanusedtheexpression"Cutyourpeaches,girls,thunderain'train." THICKHEADEDIfhegotshotbetweentheeyes,it'dtakethebullethalfanhourtomakeahole. THICKSKINNEDIfheeverhadtohaveanoperation,thedoctorwouldhavetouseachainsaw. THIEFHe'dstealthestrawoutofawidow'sbroomhe'lltakeanythingbutahinthe'dstealahotstoveandcomebackforthesmokesomeonewhocanfind thingsbeforeyoulosethemSeealsoCrook THIEF,EXPERTHecanstealyourshadow. THIEF,FASTMOVINGHewastravelingsofasthedidn'thavetimetopackhisrealname. THIEF,SNEAKYIfyouyawned,he'dstealyourchewoftobacco(oryourgoldfillingsiftheywereloose). THIEF,STUPIDHeheldupabusloadofLasVegastouristsonthewayhomehecouldn'tevenstealakissfromanoldmaid THIGHS,LARGEOl'thunderthighs,whichmeansherthighsaresolargethatitsoundslikethunderwhentheybangtogetherasshewalks. THINAsawhisperasabat'searasanant'seyelash THINBUTSTRONGHe'ssneakystrong,whichmeans

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he'salotstrongerthanhelooks. THINPERSONIfheturnedsideways,youcouldpaintstripesonhimandusehimforayardstickhedon'tevenhaveenoughmeatonhisbonestoqualifyfora classprojectinanatomyschoolhisbodydon'tlooklivedinhe'ssothinhehastogetoutofthetubbeforehepullstheplugsohewon'tgodownthedrainifhe stuckouthistongueandturnedsidewayshewouldlookliketheworld'slargestzipperSeealsoMale,SkinnyandSkinnyMan THINGSHAVECHANGEDAsJamesB.McSheehysaid,"Theroostershavecomehometoroost." THINKABOUTITLet'swhipthedevilaroundthestumpawhile. THINKAHEADDon'twaittillthealarmgoesofftostartbuildingthefireescapesetyourpacebythedistancelefttogoandnotbythedistancealreadycovered THIRSTYAsamudhenonatinroofasacowboyinanewdrytown,whichmeansthecowpuncherhasn'thadtimetofindalocalbootlegger THREATI'mgonnahityousohardthatit'llraiseaknotonyourheadsobigyou'llhavetostandonastepladdertoscratchitI'mfixin'tocutyouthreeways,high, wide,anddeepI'mgonnahityousohardyou'llwearoutbouncingI'mgonnatieyouinaknotandhangyouonafenceI'llbeatyoulikeatiedupgoatI'llhit yousohardyourkidswillbebornshakingI'llturnyoueverwhichwaybutlooseknockyouintothemiddleofnextweekI'llhityousohardyou'llgetstoppedfor speedingwhenyougothroughthenextcountyI'mgonnaslapyounekkidI'mgonnapinchyourheadoffandtellGodyoudiedyouroxisabouttogetgoredI'm fixin'toknockthestuffin'outyouI'mgonnabreakyoulikeabadhabitI'mfixingtodotyoureyesI'mgonnaridthegroundofyourshadowI'mgonnawhip knotsonyourheadfasterthanyoucanscratch'emI'mgonnagetonyousohard,you'llhavetosetfiretoyourshirtandsmokeyourselfoutfromundermetoget awayI'mgonnastompamudholeinyouandwalkitdryI'mgonnaopenacanofwhupass

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andpouritalloveryouifyoumesswithmeyou'llwakeupinacoffinI'mgonnawhipyoubeforeGodgetsthenews THREERsEducation:readin',rittin',and'rithmaticRanching:riding,roping,and'ranglingMarriage:romance,rice,androcks THROATGozzle,asin"Igotsomedeermeatstuckinmygozzleandliketochokedplumbtodeath." THROWChunk,asin"Iwouldn'ttrustherasfarasIcouldchunkher." THROWDICEFord'em(asinshake,rattle,androll) THUNDERTheangelsarebowlingsolouditknockedmeoutoftheshower TIGHTASA$10faceliftasaclamwithlockjawasafiddlestringaleatherjockstrapwhenit'swetaslastyear'slongjohnsorbikiniasasteelspring bustleasnextyear'sbudget TIGHTFITFitstightasaduck's(orcow's)footinamudbog. TIGHTWADHe'ssotightifyouthrewhiminariverhewouldn'tmakeabubble'causehewouldn'tgiveuptheairwhenhethrowsapartythebeerflowslikesap outofatreehecanmakeanickelgosofarthatthebuffalogetssorefeet ThebestdefinitionintheworldcamefromEdwinPope,thelegendarysportswriterfortheMiamiHerald.Hewasspeakingaboutanothernewspaperlegend, FurmanBisheroftheAtlantaConstitution:"Swimmingwasinvented,"Popesaid,"whenFurmanBishercametoatollbridge."SeealsoFrugal,Miser TIMETOGOPutthechairsinthewagon.Onthefrontier,chairswereofteninshortsupply,sowhenfamilieswentcallingtheyoftencarriedtheirchairssothey'd haveaplacetosit.Whenthemanofthehouseannounced,"putthechairsinthewagon,"everyoneknewitwastimetogohome.Timetoputthebricksinthebuggy, whichrelatestotheoldcustomofplacingheated,wrappedbricksinthefloorofthebuggytokeepthefeetwarmduringatrip. TIMIDHasthepersonalityofacustardpuddinghe'sgotthegutsofabutterflytheonlybullhe'llevertake

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bythehornsistheoneonacanofSchlitzMaltLiquor TIREDIfeellikeanemptyshuckI'mplayedplumbouttoopoopedtopopIfeellikeIwasrundown,runover,andwrungoutthroughalittlebittywringerI couldsleeponabarbedwirefencewithoutablanketmygetalonghasgotalongallitcanasaNorthCarolina'sanghunter.Tohunt'sang(ginsengroot)youhave towalkalotofmilesoverroughterrainwhilefightingoffbugsandsnakesandyoujustcan'tdoitwithoutgettingrealtired.InYouAllSpokenHere,RoyWilder,Jr. includedthisquotefromonehunter,"Toharvestonepound,amanmustwalknotlessthantwentymilesoveratwodayperiod,andintheprocesskillthree rattlesnakesandtencopperheads." TIRES,WORNThosetiresaresothinyoucanseetheairinside. TOEACHHISOWNEvenabuzzardiscutetoanotherbuzzardacowchipisabuffettoafly TOAST,BURNTCajunstyletoast. TOES,LARGENutcrackers.ThereisamaninMississippiwhoclaimsthatwhenhegoesouttohuntpecans,healwaysgoesbarefooted.Thatwaywhenhefindsa nut,hepicksitupwithhistoesandcracksitopenatthesametime,sowhenheputsitinhisgunnysackitisreadytoshell.Believeitornot. TOGETHERWe'reswimminginthesameswamp. TOLDASECRETHeputabuginmyear. TOLERANCEAbilitytolistentoafishstoryandkeepastraightface TONGUETIEDIgotmytonguewrappedaroundmyeyeteethandIcan'tseewhatItryin'tosay. TOOCLOSETOTHEPROBLEMWhenyou'resittin'inityoudon'tsmellit. TOOKOFFLikeacutcat TOOTHLESSAdogwithoutteethchewscareful. TOUGHASAknotinapineboardasacastironwashtubasabunkhouse(orcampfire)steakasawagonloadofwetrawhideSeealsoHardAs

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TOUGHJOBLiketryingtodriveaswarmofbeesthroughasnowstormwithahickoryswitch TOUGHMANHeusesbarbedwirefordentalfloss TOUGHSPOTThetoughestspotofalliswhenyouhavetofacethemusicwithyournosetothegrindstoneandyourbacktothewall. TOUPEEHishairain'thomegrownorhishomegrownhairwasgrowninsomeoneelse'shome. TOWN,BORINGIspentthreeweeksthereoneweekend,whichmeansthetownissosmallandboringthataweekendseemslikeitisthreeweekslongAsoldier fromSanAntoniowasoncetransferredtoasmallbasesomewhereoutwestandhealwaysclaimedhedidatwoyeartourthereonemonth. TOWN,POORYoucanhearanythingexceptthejingleofchangeandthefryin'ofbacontheonlythingyouhearafterdarkisthehardeningofarteries TOWN,RURALIt'slocatedmilesandmilesfromthemiddleofnowhere.SeealsoRural TOWN,SMALLSosmalltheyhadtowidenthestreettoputastripedownthemiddleifanyoneturnedonanelectricblanket,thestreetlightwouldgooutthe streetsweeperusesaHoovervacuumnothingbutawideplaceintheroadtheyonlyneedonedepartmentstoreSantaClauswherethereain'tmuchtodobut plentyofpeopletotalkaboutitwhenyoudoittheonlythingthatgoesoutafter10p.m.isthelightsthe"slowdown"and"resumespeed"signsareonthesame polethelasttimetheyheldaboxingmatch,bothfightershadtousethesamecornerafixin'totowntheydon'tevenhaveacannonintheparksosmallnobaby arrivesunexpectedlyinPyote,Texas,theyhaveasignwhichsaysEnteringPyoteononeside.OntheothersideitreadsLeavingPyote. TOWN,STRICTTheyounggirlscan'tbuyabrawithoutaprescription. TOYAplaypretty TRACKER,GOODHecouldtrackaminnowthroughaswamp.

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TRADE,POORHeofferedmeasquashforaquarterhorse. TRAPPEDLikealizardunderacowpatty.Ifalizardhappenstobeinthewrongplacewhenacowgetsridofyesterday'soats,heissurelytrappedlikeaminnow inabucketlikeakid'stoyinablisterpack.Anyonewhohasevertriedtoopenablisterpackknowsthatwhateverisinsideistrulytrappedlikeawaspinsidea windowlikehewaspenniedintohisroom,whichrelatestotheprankoftrappingsomeoneinaroombyusingarollofpenniestokeepthedoorfromopening TRAVELER,POORHisideaofalongtripishavin'towalkhalfwayroundthecampfiretogettothehandleonthecoffeepot. TRIALWhereyourfateliesinthehandsoftwelvepeoplewhoweren'tsmartenoughtogetoutofjuryduty. TRICKYASTryingtobraidamule'stail TRIEDBUTFAILEDHedidalotofstirringbuthedidn'tmakenogravy. TROUBLEIslikemuddycreekwater.Bepatient,don'tstiritup,anditwillsoonclearit'seasiertoborrowtroublethanitistogiveitawayit'scutaswitchtime it'swoodshedtimeSeealsoInTrouble TROUBLE,BIGTIMEYou'retrappedonahighbridgebyanunscheduledtrain.Intheolddays,theeasiestwayacrossabigriverordeepravinewastherailroad bridge.Eventhoughcrossingthebridgewasusuallyprohibited,alotofpeoplewouldsimplylearnthescheduleandthencrossattimeswhennotrainsweredue. However,sincethebridgeswerejustlargeenoughforthetrain,ifyouhappenedtobeabouthalfwayacrossthebridgeandanunscheduledtrainsuddenlyappeared, youwere,indeed,inbigtrouble. TROUBLEMAKERBoatrockertheonewhoisalwayslookingfortroubleusuallyhopeshedon'tfindanyofit TROUBLESArelikebabies,theygrowifyounursethem TRUEAGEWomenwon'tadmititandmenwon'tactit TRUSTWORTHYHe'sagoodmantogotothewellwithhecancarrythekey

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tothesmokehouseyoucouldtrusthimtocountthecollectioninchurch TRUTHSomesaycountryfolkshavesuchahighregardforthetruththattheyuseitsparinglysoastonotuseitup,whichiswhycountryfolksneverletthetruth standinthewayofagoodstory.HarryS.Truman,anoriginalMissourimule,oncesaid,"Ineverdidgiveanybodyhell.Ijusttoldthetruthandtheythoughtitwas hell." TRYITRunitdownthewellandseeifitholdswater. TRYINGTHEIMPOSSIBLEYou'retryingtoworkintwolioncagesatthesametime.ThatsayingcamefromamaninKansaswhoaddedthattheuseoflions wasanindicationthattryingtheimpossibleusuallydidnotworkandoftenmetwithdisastrousresults,suchbeingeatenbyoneofthelions. TRYINGTIMESTimesaremosttryingwhenyouaren't. TURKEYFRIESSeeCalfFriesandBraveAs TURNOVERTumpover,asin"Billytumpedoverhismilkandthecatlappeditup." TWILIGHTFirstdark TWINSWombmates TWINS,UGLYTheleetwins,uglyandhomely

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Thisspaceisforyourfavoritesayings.

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UVW Water,HighTheWaterGotSoHighWeWereCatchingCatfishInTheKitchenMousetrap

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U
UGLYAsafreshfoaledmooseasthewestendofaneastboundmuleasthebacksideofamudfenceafterahardrain UGLYBABYHe'ssougly,hismothermadehimputonanElvismaskbeforeshe'dnursehimshewassougly,thestorkhadtogetdrunkbeforehecoulddeliver herhewassougly,whenhisdaddysawhimhegrabbedashotgunandwentdowntothezootokillastorkhewassouglyhismothertookhimeverywhereshe wentsoshewouldn'thavetokisshimgoodbyhismotherhadmorningsicknessafterhewasbornhismotherhadtobedrunkbeforeshe'dbreastfeedhimwhich explainswhy,15yearslater,hethoughtJackDanielscamefromcows. UGLYCHILDIfsheevergetskidnappedthey'llneverputherfaceonamilkcarton'causeitwouldruinthemilkbusinesssouglyheoughttosuehisparentsfor damages UGLYENOUGHTOClabberamudholetogaplightningtomakeyoureyesfogoverenoughtoscareamaggotoffabloatedbuffalocarcass UGLYMANHehastosoakhisclothesincatniptogetthecattoplaywithhimhewasshotthroughtheuglyforestandbouncedoffeverytreeasamudfencein arainstormhe'sgotafacethatwouldsourbuttermilkasastumpfullofwormsifhewasanarmedrobber,hewouldn'tneedaskimaskhastoslipupona mirrortoshavehecouldlooklikeababoonbyshavingandtakingoffhishat UGLYWOMANIfshewashangin'onaChristmastreenaked,noonewouldopentheirpresentsshedidn'tgetafullhelpingoflooksshewasn'thitwiththeugly stick,thewholedangedtreefellonherherfacelooks

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likeatowsackfullofturnipsshecouldn'tgetadateifshewascookingnakedforadeercamp,trooptrain,footballtrainingcamp,lumbercamp,orcattledrive wheneverherhusbandgoesoutonthetownhealwaystakesherpicturewithhimsohe'llknowtostopdrinkingwhenshegetsgoodlookingSeealsoFemale,Ugly ULCERSWhatyougetfrommountainclimbingovermolehills UNABLETOANSWERDon'tstartmetolyin,'whichessentiallymeansdon'taskmethatquestion'causeifIansweritI'llhavetotellyoualie. UNATTRACTIVEThereasonshe'sunattachedis'causeshewasputtogethersloppy. UNAVOIDABLENomatterhowhighabirdflies,hestillhastocomebackdowntoearthtogetsomethingtoeatyoucan'tgetaroundit,teethandmemory weakenwithage UNCHANGEABLEYoucanputaFrenchnightgown,highheels,andpinklipstickonajackassbutyoustillwouldn'twanttosleepwithityoucancutoffadog's tailandearsbuthe'sstilladogyoucanpaintleadgoldbutit'sstillleadyoucantaketheboyoutofthecountrybutyoucan'ttakethecountryoutoftheboyyou cantaketheboyoutoftheplaygroundbutyoucan'ttaketheplayoutoftheboyacrookedtreewillneverstraightenitsbranches UNCLEANShehadn'tbathedinsolongallthefliesstayedonhersideofthepickup. UNCOMFORTABLEAsabarbedwireGstring UNCONTROLABLEYoucan'ttellhowfarafrogwilljumpbythecolorofitshide UNCOORDINATEDHecan'tshuffledominoshecouldn'tguideaplowacrossalittlebittygardenhecan'tplowandchewtobaccoatthesametimecan't showerandsingatthesametimehecan'twalkandbreatheatthesametimehisegggotshook,whichmeanshehasbeenuncoordinatedsincebirthhecouldn't eventwiddlehisthumbs UNDECIDEDHedidn'tswimorsink,hefloatedit'shangin'fire,whichisa

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referencetoabreechloadingcannonthathasafireinthebreechbuthasn'tgoneoff UNDERESTIMATEDYou'recallin'analligatoralizard. UNDERTAKERSomeonewhoalwaysletsyoudownorthelastmanonearthtoletyoudownsomeonewhoplotsyourfuture UNEDUCATEDGUESSHeusedtheWAGsystem,whichisawildassedguess.SeealsoEducatedGuess UNEMPLOYEDHehassolittletodoandsomuchtimetodoitin. UNEXPECTEDAsaseagullinColoradoitjustcameoutoftheblue UNFAITHFULShewon'tevendancewiththeonethatbrungher. UNFINISHEDJOBThat'sakisswithoutasqueeze. UNFRIENDLYTheydon'tputtheirhorsesinthesamecorral. UNGRATEFULHeneversaid''kissmyfoot"muchlessthankyou. UNHAPPYAFFAIRThishasbeenaboutascheerfulasacoroner'sinquest. UNKNOWNDon'tknowwhoinblazesitisdon'trightlyknowain'tgotthefoggiestnotion UNLUCKYIfhe'dbeenadogonNoah'sarkhewouldhaveendedupwithbothfleashecouldgetacavityinaporcelaincrownhe'sbeeninmoreholesthana gravediggerduringasmallpoxepidemicthehindtitistheonlyonehe'seversuckedifhereadaselfhelpbookhe'dgetkilledbyamisprintifheboughtaflower shop,they'doutlawMother'sDayifhefoundapeepholeinanudistcolonyfence,theonlythinghewouldseewouldbehiswifeifDollyPartonhadbeenhis mother,he'dhavebeenabottlebabyifhestartedsellinglightbulbsthesunwouldstopsettingSeealsoBornLoser UNMARRIEDHenevergotmarried'causemothersdon'ttrusthimtoofarandfathersdon'ttrusthimtoonear. UNMOTIVATEDTheonlythingheeverdidonhisownwasgetdandruff. UNPOPULARHewasvotedmostlikelytohaveanautopsyortoendupasaspecimeninananatomyclasswheneverheplays

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horse,someoneelseplaysthefrontendandheplayshimselfhecouldrunforelectionunopposedandloseifyoueverneedsomeonetopushintothecreek,he'lldo UNPREDICTABLEHechangeshismindasoftenasawindshieldwiperchangessidesyoucannevertellwhichwayapicklewillsquirt.Tomato,orange,orlemon canbesubstitutedforpicklewiththesameresults. UNPREPAREDYouain'tgotallyourdogsbarking. UNPRODUCTIVEYou'redrivingrustynailsinanewboard. UNQUALIFIEDHecouldn'tpassmuster. UNRELATEDAschalkandcheeseasabullandaballerina UNREPAIRABLEAsabrokenwindowpane UNROMANTICAsaseasickbridehisideaofeatingoutisapicnicinthegarage UNSOPHISTICATEDHecan'ttellwhetherthesymphonyorchestraisplayingorjusttuninguphejustcomeintotownonaloadofcantalopes.Watermelons, turnips,cordwood,ormanurecanbesubstitutedforcantalope. UNTRUSTWORTHYHe'sthekindofpersonyouliketoseecauseyouwouldn'twanthimbehindyoushekeepssecretslikeapoliticiankeepspromisesasa jaguarwitharabbityou'dbebetterofftotrustarabbittodeliveraheadoflettuceAmanfromAustin,Texasadvises:"Nevertrustacowwithwhiteeyelashes,a walleyedhorse,orawomaninblackunderwear." UNWANTEDAsasnakeatagardenpartyneedthataboutasmuchasIneedaboilonmybuttasafroginthewatercanasacowchipinthepunchbowlata weddingreceptionneedthatasmuchasadeadhorseneedsflieshaveaboutasmuchneedforthatasahogdoesaSundayhanky UNWELCOMEAsaquitteronatraildrive.Accordingtocountrylegend,therewasn'tanyroomonthechuckwagonforaquitter'sbedroll. UPSETAstheyoungladywhoseclotheswerestolenwhileshewasskinnydippin'he'sgothistailoverthe

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dashboard.Ifahorsegothistailoverthedashboardofabuggy,he'dtrytorunawayhisnoseisoutofjointhe'sgotaclodinhischurnSeealsoAngryFemale, AngryMale,Angry URINATEDHeshookthedewoffthelilyhedrainedhislizardhewateredthebushes(orthehorses) USEYOURHEADAnoldbuckwillstayalivealotlongerbyusinghisbrainsinsteadofhisantlers. USEFULASAlockontheouthousedoorasalongsermononacoldSundaymorning.Thechurchisalwayswarmasadepotstove,soonarealcoldSunday morningthelongerthepreachertalks,thelongeryougettostayinsideandkeepwarmasapullin'chainatcalftime.Ifacowishavingtroubledeliveringacalf, cowboysuseapullin'chaintogiveherahandsotospeak.Withoutapullin'chainyouhavetoletnaturetakeitscourse. USELESSASHaironabarbershopfloorasaneedlewithoutaneyeasawellwithoutabucket.Ifyou'veeverbeenrealthirstyandcomeuponawellonlyto discoverthereisn'tabuckethandy,thenyouknowawellwithoutabucketisnothingbutabiguselessholeintheground. Also,Uselessasabathtubwithoutadrainplugasabarbedwirefencefullofknotholesanouthouseonasubmarineasanudderonabullasacrocheted rubbergloveasaforkatasoupconventionasashotgunwithabentbarrelascombatbootsatatrackmeetasapumpwithoutahandleasamarriagelicense toatomcatasaneggsuckingdogasaoneleggedhurdlerasaticklishfandancerasaweddingdresstoasowastwobuggiesinaonehorsetownas gossipthatain'tworthrepeatingasakissoverthephoneashaircurlerstoabaldman

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V
VACILLATECrawfish VACUUMDustsucker VAINHewouldn'tgotoafuneralunlesshecouldbethecorpseheevencheckshistoupeeforgrayhairsshe'llwalkdownlover'slaneholdingherownhandI wishIcouldbuyherforwhatshe'sworthandsellherforshethinksshe'sworth VALUABLEAsthefrontdoorkeytoFortKnox VALUESecondhandgoldisasgoodasnewAsMarkTwainoncesaid,"Auseddiamondisbetterthannodiamond." VALUE,POORThecheapestoatsaretheonesthathavealreadybeenthroughthehorseonce. VALUES,HIGHDon'tmakeyourselfadogforthesakeofonebone. VEGETARIANDavidBrennersaiditbestbyfar,"Avegetarianisapersonwhowon'teatanythingthatcanhavechildren." VERYDownright,asin"He'sdownrightbodacious." VET,GOODHecouldcureabearskinrug. VICEPRESIDENTAccordingtoJohnNanceGarner,thevicepresidentis"Asparetireontheautomobileofgovernment." VINDICTIVEAsanIRSagent VIPTreeshaker VIRGINPiecederesistanceshe'spureasthedrivensnow.Ofcourse,theoppositeis"pureasthedrivenslush"asTallulahBankheadoncedescribedherself. VISITOR,INFREQUENTHecomesaroundaboutasoftenasElvisdoes. VOICE,DEEPHisvoiceissolowyoucansmellsocksonhisbreathhisvoiceissodeephehastowearanathleticsupporterforachinstrap

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VOICE,POORHervoicesoundslikeaSearsbuzzsawcuttingthroughacastironskilletshesoundslikeshehasonefootinabeartrapshemakesRoseanne Bartsoundlikeanoperastarifshehadtosingforhermealsshe'dstarvetodeath VOICE,ROUGHHisvoicesoundslikearustygatehinge VOTINGLyndonJohnsononcesaid,"Wedon'tcarehowtheyvotesolongaswegettocount'era."

W
WAITKeepyourshirtonforthemenandkeepyoubraonfortheladies WAITINGJustsittin'onthewell,whichisacountryexpressionthatmeansyou'rewaitingforanoilorwaterwelltocomein. WALK,SEDUCTIVEShe'sgotmoremovesthanAlliedVanLinesI'dratherwatchherwalkthaneatchickenfriedsteakIfshewasinaharnessshe'dmake plowin'apleasure.Thisisareferencetotheolddayswhenplowingwasdonebywalkingbehindaplowalldayandtheonlyscenerywasthebackendofafleabitten ol'mule. WALKCAREFULLYLikeachickenwithaneggcrackedinsidelikeyou'retryin'nottowakethetwinslikeyouwerewalkin'throughafeedlotwearin'abrand newpairofwhiteshoes WALKSOFTLYCatfootit WALKINGRidin'shanksmare WANDERINGIfyouwanderaroundlikeanunbridledponyyou'llnevergettotheendofthetrail. WARSONGThebridalmarch WARMAsaroadlizardaswormdirtasababychickinawoolbasket WARMEMBRACEAnallsqueezinhug

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WARNINGIfyougooutandbreakbothlegs,don'tcomerunningtomekeepthecatoffthepianokeysoryou'llhavebadluckI'mgonnapullyouthroughaknot holesoyoucanrelivethemomentofyourbirthyou'restinkin'forawhippin'you'reaimin'foramaimin'SeealsoAdvanceWarningThreat WASHDo,asin"Ifyou'lldothedishes,I'lltakeyoutoamovingpictureshow." WASHINGSudsbusting WASTEOFTIMEAkissoverthephoneislikeastrawhat,itain'tfeltyou'relookingforfeathersonagoatawildgoosechaselikewhistlingatapregnant woman WASTEDEFFORTSeeEffort,Wasted WASTEFULAsaloadedbeertruckgoingoveracliffasacyclonehittingalawschoolduringsummervacationyou'reburnin'threelampsandthereain'tashipin sight WASTINGMONEYYoucanputasilverbridleonajackassbuthe'sstillajackassyou'refritterin'awayyourbankroll WASTINGTIMEAmenfromSouthCarolinasaid,"You'refishingwithastraighthook"tomeanwastingtime.Whichraisesthequestion,Ifyoutookafishhook andstraighteneditoutwoulditstillbea"hook"orwoulditbeawormharpoon?youain'tevergonnafindawatermeloninapumpkinpatchyou'rebeatin'your headagainstabrickwallyou'repreachingtothechoiryou'resaltingtheoceanyou'repeeingonaforestfire(ortryingtoputitoutwithateacup)you'reironing withacoldironyou'retryin'tocatchbutterfliesinabasketballnetwhippin'adeadhorseyou'retryingtogettherivertorunoverthebridgeyou'retryin'toplow inconcreteyou'rejustsittin'thererustin'youcangiveapigabubblebathbutyou'llstillhaveapigyou'regrabbin'atsunbeamsyou'rewhistlin'inagraveyard.A lotofpeoplethinkifyouwhistlewhilewalkingthroughagraveyardthattheghostsandgoblinswillbescaredaway.Nottrue.Iftheghostsaregonnagetyou,they'll getyouregardlessofwhatyoudo,sowhistlin'iswastingtime.

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WATCHOVERMind,asin"WillyoumindthekidswhileIgotothestorefordiapers?" WATCHWHATYOUSAYKeepaneyeonyourtonguemindwhatyousayneverusesharpwordsincaseyouhavetoeatthemlater WATER,DEEPThewaterwasaboutankledeepifyouwerestandingonyourheadthewatergotsohighwewereshootingducksintheparlorwewere catchingcatfishinthekitchenmousetrapthewaterwassohighthattheturtlescrawledoutoftheirshellsandused'emforlifeboatsSeealsoCreek,Flooded WATER,MUDDYThecatfishhadtoswimbackwardstokeepfromgettingmudintheireyes. WATER,SHALLOWWouldn'tfloatakitchenmatch(oratoothpick)I'veseendewdeeperthanthatI'vesweatmorewaterthanthataftermowin'thelawnSee alsoRiver,Shallow WATER,POORYouhavetochewitupbeforeyoucanswallowit. WATERCOOLERSwampbreezeairconditioner WAVERINGWaffling WEAKPERSONAllhisstarchisinhisshirthecouldn'tevenpulloffhisownhatifhewascaughtinawhirlwindhe'saboutasstrongasasickkitten WEALTHYShe'sgotsomuchmoneysheusesanimportedanaestheticinsteadofalocalhehassomuchmoney,whenhegoesouttocelebratehepaintsthetown multicoloredinsteadofjustred WEARYAsakittenwalkinginfreshmud WEATHERCHANGECOMINGTheprairiedogsarebuildingbanks.Whenprairiedogsbuildupthebanksaroundthemouthoftheirholes,itisthoughttobea signthatheavyrainsareonthewaythecattlearedriftingtowardthefence,whichmeansabluenortheriscoming.Whencattlesenseasevereweatherfrontis comingtheynaturallybegintodriftawayfromtheweather.Theywilldrifttilltheycometoafenceandthenbunchupinatightgroupandhopeforthebestwe'rein forsomeweather,

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whichusuallymeansastormofsomesortisontheway.Thispredictionisoftenmadebysomeonewitharthritiswhocansensethecomingweatherchangeinhisor herafflictedjointsafterthestormtheweatheris"fairingup"whenitbeginstoreturntonormal WEATHERDETERMINATIONCallinthedogsandseeifthey'rewetsowe'llknowwhetherornotit'srainingoutside. WEATHERTIPSIfitstartstorainandthechickensrunforcover,itwon'trainlong.Ifthechickensstayputandcontinuetopeckwhileitrains,youareinforalong wetspell.Thereasonisifit'sonlygonnarainforashortwhile,thechickenwon'twanttogetwet.Ontheotherhand,ifit'sgonnarainforalongtime,thechicken knowsshe'sgonnagetwetsoonerorlatersoshemightaswellkeepeatingthickshucksoncornmeanahardwinteriscomingSeealsoTexasWeather WEATHER,HOTANDDRYSickdogweather,whichisareferencetoasickdog'snosebeingdryandhotinsteadofcoldandwetasusual. WEATHER,COLDIt'shogkillin'time.Intheruralwestbeforethedaysofdeepfreezes,meatwaskeptinasmokehouse.Thehogsgenerallyweren'tbutchered untilthefirstcoldsnapsignalledwinterwhenthetemperatureswouldbecoldenoughtokeepmeatlonger. WEATHERMAN,POORTheonlythinghecanpredictcorrectlyisdarknessatnight. WEIGHTGAINHe'sgainedsomuchweighthisappendixscarisnowmorethenafootwide. WELCOMEI'dappreciatethatasmuchasTravisandtheboyswouldhaveappreciatedagattlin'gunortwoattheAlamo. WELLACQUAINTEDIknowhimbetter'nIknowmyoldbroom. WELLBEHAVEDHegotadoubleportionofmanners. WELLENDOWEDHe'sabankwalker,whichcomesfromthedaysofskinnydippingwhentheboywiththebiggestequipmentwouldwalkthebanktoshowit offafourbuttonman,whichmeansheissowellendowedhehastoloosenfourbuttonsonhisjeanstorelieve

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himself.Aoneortwobuttonmanwouldnotbeaswellendowedwhenhe'stired,heleavesthreetrackswhenhewentoutforthefootballteamhehadtousea gunnysackandbailin'wireforanathleticsupporter WELLENDOWED,NOTWhenhewentoutforthefootballteamhehadtouseapeanutshellandarubberbandforanathleticsupporter. WENTBADWentbackonhisraisin',whichisoftensaidofpreacher'skidswhoturnoutbad. WENTCRAZYHewenthogwildhecomeunbuckledhiscommonsensecomeunraveledliketheseaminacheapsuithesprangaleakinhiscrankcasehe rippedaholeinhismarblesackthatjokerwentwildSeealsoCrazy WENTHOMEWentbacktothebarn WESTERNGIRLAnangelwithdenimwingsandagoldenhaloforahatband WESTERNWINEChateauBubba WETAsthebottomofastocktankasanoldwoman'shankyafterasadmovieenoughtobogasnipe WHATDIDYOUSAY?Comeagain? WHATEVERWhatsomever WHEELBARROWGeorgiabuggy WHENALLISSAIDANDONELouHoltzexplaineditbestwith,"Whenallissaidandone,asarule,moreissaidthandone." WHIPPEDHewhippedmelikearedheadedstepchild. WHISKEYAstrongdrinkthatmakesotherpeopleinterestingconfidencewater.Therightamountofwhiskeywillmakeyoubelieveyou'reaneightfoottall, bulletproofgiftGodgavetothewomenofearthit'seasiertoputupwiththesmellthanititistolistentoitwhiskeytalksloudestwhenitisletloosefromthejug thestuffthatmakesyoutipsyalsomakesyoutipyourhandSeealsoLiquor WHISKEY,GOODIt'ssmoothasamoonbeam WHISKEY,POORTasteslikesomethingthatcameoutofajackasswithakidneyproblemwormmedicine,whichmeansitain'tgoodfor

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drinkingbutitwillkillyourwormstasteslikethescumoffpondwater WHISKEY,STRONGStealthjuice,whichmeansafterafewdrinksyouthinkyoucanflyandnoonecanseeyoustrongenoughtotakethemossoffyourteeth that'dcauseababybullfrogtospitintheeyeofagreatwhitesharkit'llremovewartsfrompeopleyouhavetolookatantifogmatic,whichwasapopularcountry termforwhiskeyaroundtheturnofthecentury.Itisincludedbecauseit'sagreatwordthatshouldnotbeforgottenaltogether. WHISTLINGWOMANAccordingtoanoldcountrysaying,awhistlingwomanandacrowin'henwillcometoabadend. WHITEAsskinunderabathingsuit WHOREMattressbuster WHO'SINCHARGEWho'sskinningthiscat?Who'srunnin'thisrailroad? WIDOWED,THREETIMESSheworeoutthreedashersbutneverhadbutonechurn.Thenumberofdashers(husbands)canbechangedtosuittheneedsbut thenumberofchumsisalwaysone. WIFEYourbetterhalfsomebodyyouusedtocatchinyourarmsbutnowyoucatchinyourpockets WIFE,GOODIwouldn'ttradeherfortwelveacresofpregnantredhogs WIFE,IDEALAvirginwiththeexperienceofaNewOrleansflatbackerthatcanstayonadietandlivewithinabudget. WIFE,SMARTShehadherhusband'spartofthemarriageceremonychangedto"Iwilllove,honor,obey,andgiveupfishinganddrinking"sheknowshowto makeamanoutofajackassandviceversa WIFE,UNDERSTANDINGShegivesyoualltheropeyouwantbutsheneverforgetshowtotieahangman'snooseLeeTrevinosaidhiswifedoesn'tcarewhat hedoeswhenhe'sawaysolongashedoesn'thaveagoodtime. WIFE,UNFAITHFULAbabygotcaughtinhertrap,whichmeanstheladyhadababybutthefatherwasnotherhusbandyoucan'tbuy

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aweddingringsmallenoughtostayonherfingerwhichimpliesthatwhenevershegoesout,theweddingringcomesoffshedidn'tfigureherhusbandwouldmissone ortwopeachesoffthetree WIFE,WASTEFULShecanthrowmoreoutthewindowwithateaspoonthanherhusbandcancarryinthedoorwithashovel. WIFE,UGLYSeeHusband,Ugly WIFE,WASTINGHERTIMEShe'stryin'tomakeaheeltoethemark. WIGGLELikeamaggotinhotash WILDASApeachorchardboar WILLAdeadgiveaway WILLPOWER,LACKOFHiswillpowersuffersfromgeneratorfailure. WILLINGNESSIfyouwantbutter,yougottabewillingtochurnthemilk. WIMPHecouldbekickedtodeathbyagrasshopper. WIND,STRONGIt'sblowinglikeperfumethroughahighschooldanceblowsthroughyoulikeyou'rewearin'crochetedunderwearthetomatoswouldn'tgrow 'causethewindkeptblowingthesunshineoffthevinesyoucouldspitinyourowneyeitblewsoharditknockedJohnWayneoffhishorseatthedriveinmovie blowin'hardenoughtoturnaprairiedogholeinsideoutblowin'sohardachickenlayedthesameeggthreetimessoharditblewthefeathersoffaneagleIn WestTexasthewindblowssohardtheyuseapieceofironforakiteandsometracechainforatail.Theyalsouseananvilconnectedtoasteelpolewithalogchain asaweathervane.ThewindstoppedblowingonedayinLubbock,Texasandittookeverybodytwohourstolearnhowtowalkstraightup. WINDBAGHecouldblowuptheGoodyearblimp. WINKIsasgoodasanodtoablindmule WINNERThebellringer WISDOMMakingthemostoutofwhatcomesandtheleastoutofwhatgoesadoubleportionofhorsesense WISDOMVERSUSFOOLISHNESSAwisecowboylearnsbywatchin'othersgetthrown,afoolhas

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totastethecorraldirtforhimself. WISDOMVERSUSEXPERIENCEWisdomcomesfromgooddecisions,experiencecomesfrombadones. WISEMANHoldshistonguewhenarguingwithawoman,afool,oradrunk WISHMayallyourkidsbebornnekkidmaythewindatyourbackneverbeyourown WISHBONEPulleyboneapoorsubstituteforbackbone WOBBLEDLikeadrunkonabicyclelikeamodelAFordwithafiattirelikearedwagonwiththreewheels WOMAN,ATTRACTIVESeeFemale,Attractive WOMAN,MADHellonhighheelsSeealsoFemale,Angry WOMANSPURNEDShewokeuponthewrongsideofthewill. WOMAN'SWORKWoman'sworkisneverdoneifsheasksherhusbandtodoit. WOMENArelikecowpatties,theoldertheyaretheeasiertheyaretopickuparenotlikehorsesbecausethewildertheyaretheeasiertheyaretopet WON'TWORKThatdogwon'tfloatthatdogwon'thuntthatchickenwon'tlaythatbucketwouldn'tholdwaterinamonsoonthatmotorwon'tcrank WON,BARELYWeoutsorried'em,whichmeansneitherteamplayedwellbutsomebodyhastowin. WOOD,QUICKBURNINGBreakfastwood.Somewood,likedrypine,burnsveryquicklyallowingonlyenoughtimetocookbreakfastandnotenoughtimeto cookalargemeallikesupper. WOOD,SLOWBURNINGSupper(ordinner)wood.Somewood,suchasoakandhickory,burnsslowandthusprovidesenoughfiretocookanentiresupper. WORD,VERSATILEInthecountrylanguage,oneofthemostversatilewordsisreckon.Itcanbeusedforsuppose,think,guess,believe,calculate,presume, expect,know,imagine,assume,andspeculateamongothers. WORKHARDIfyouwantyourdreamstocometrue,don'toversleepit'sbetter

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tohavetwotiredarmsthanoneemptystomachyoucan'tclimbtheladderofsuccesswithyourhandsinyourpocketyou'rebetterofftobebentfromhardwork thancrookedfromtryingtoavoiditasasugarmilljackassasasleddog WORKEDLATEWhenIwenthomeImetmyselfcomingbacktowork(whichfrequentlyhappensifyouwriteabook). WORKER,GOODHekeepshiscornerup,whichmeanshekeepshispropertyingoodorderorhedoeshisshareoftheworkhe'sactiveintheharnesshe workssohardhehastobecarefulnottodrowninhisownsweathe'shellonleather,whichmeanshecanwearoutasaddleorapairofbootsrealquick'causehe workssohardifyougivehimajobtodoyoucancoloritdone WORKER,POORTheonlytimeheholdshisendupiswhenhestickshisheadinthesandhe'sallbackandnobrainwhenhewalksupit'saboutthesameas threegoodmenleavinghewon'tlasttillthewaterboils.Afterkillingthehogs,thecarcassisboiledinhotwater.Anyonewhodidn'tmakeittillthewaterboiled wouldn'tbearoundlong. WORKER,QUIETSeeQuietWorker WORKERSThewagonpullerstheinfantry(ortheIndians) WORKINGHARDAsalittletrainonabigtrack WORRYHIMLikeabantyroosterworriesabulldogdrophiminthegreaseandlethimfeelhowhotitcangetinthekitchen WORRIED,ALOTShe'sworriedallthewaytothebone. WORRYINGHe'swalkingaholeinthecarpet. WORTHLESSItain'tworthaContinentaldamnnotworthaplugnickelnotworththespitonapostagestampain'tworthatinker'sdamn WORTHLESSASAmoralvictory.Itmightmakeyoufeelgoodforashortwhilebutitdon'tchangethestandingsassourmanureasapicklebarrelfullof feathersaslastyear'scalenderasadeadpossum'stailSeealsoUselessAs WORTHLESSGROUPAsorrylot

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WORTHLESSPERSONAin'tfittorollintheslopwiththehogshe'stoodumbtoworkandtoolazytosteal WRINKLEDAsacheapsuitinacheapersuitcaseasaburntbootasaboiledshirtasawashboardtheonlythinghehasthatain'twrinkledishisteethhehas somanywrinkles,hehastoscrewonhishat WRITER,POORShe'llbeinrealtroubleifshetriestowriteanythingmoreambitiousthanagrocerylisthisherodiedinthepreface WRITESSMALLCouldputtheBillofRightsonamatchbookcover WRONGThatcatwon'tflush!

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XYZ YesDoesA10FootChickenLayABigEgg?

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X
XRAYBonepicture

Y
YAHOOArowdybuckaroo YANKJerktoacountryboy YANKEEForalotofsoutherncountryboysthereisnosuchthingasaYankee.ThereareonlydamnYankees.Beingoneofthosesoutherncountryboys,Iwasten yearsoldbeforeIknewdamnYankeewastwowords.Foralotoffolksfromthesouthyou'reeitheraSoutherneroryou'reaYankee,whichexplainswhysome countryboysrefertopeoplefromColorado,California,orCanadaasYankees.OtherthandamnYankeetheonlyotherdescriptivephraseprintableisNortherner. YELLOWPalegreentocountryboyswhospeedthroughatrafficlightonyellow YELLS,ALOTHe'sahollerin'mastersheyellsmorethanalittleleaguer'smother YESDoesacowboy'ssocksstink?Doesacatlickhisbackside?Doesamuleeatcorn?Doesabearsleepinthewoods?Isafrogwaterproof?.Dan JenkinsmayhavesaiditbestinBajaOklahomawith,''DoesDollyPartonsleeponherback?" YESTERDAYThetomorrowthatgotaway YOUCANDOITEvenabrownandredhencanlayawhiteeggthesmallestdogcanburythebiggestboneasmallhorsecanthrowabig

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cowboyThereisasigninthelockerroomoftheTexasRangerswhichproclaims,"Youcanifyoubelieveyoucan." YOU'LLREGRETITYou'llwishyouhadn'tdoneit. YOU'RELATEYoumissedtheblessing,whichisareferencetosomeonearrivingfordinneraftertheblessinghadbeenaskedbutbeforeallthefoodwasgone. YOU'REWELCOMEYoubettcha,whichisagoodcountryresponsewhensomeonesaysthanks. YOU'REWRONGYougotanotherthinkcoming,asin"IfyouthinkI'mgonnagotothedancewithyou,well,yougotanotherthinkcoming"you'repullin'onthe wrongstring,whichmaybeareferencetotheoldtimecountrycarnivalgamewhereyoupaidanickelandthenpulledastringtoseewhatprizeyouwon.Moreoften thannottheprizewasn'tworthanywherenearanickel. YOUNGHe'sstillwetbehindtheearsheain'tbeenweanedlong YOURCHOICEWhatevertripsyourtrigger,meltsyourbutter,orpullsyourstringgrabaskinnin'knife,grabaleg,orgrabyourbuttandhaulyourselfouttahere. YOURPROBLEMIt'syourpossumsoyouskinitit'syouritchsoyouscratchitit'syourkidsoyouwhupit YOURRESPONSIBILITYIfyourdogtreesit,yougottaeatityoucan'tgetsomeotherdogtodoyourbarkingyougottolearntobuttwithyourownhead YUPPIEBATTLECRYDon'tgivemeanymorecheese,justletmeoutoftherattrap,whichmeansforgettheperks,justletmegotothecountrywherelifeis simpleandthebiggestdecisionsarewhethertoploworgofishing. YWCAHeiferclub

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Z
ZEBRAAnumpirehorse ZEROOught,ornuthin',asin"Theywhuppedus40tonuthin.' ZIPPERBarndoormatchstarter.Ifnothingelseisavailableyoucanalmostalwaysstrikeamatchonyourzipperbutitsbestifyouexercisecautionsoyoudon't startafirethatmightbedoublepainfultoputout. ZIPPER,OPENYourcottonisblooming,whichmeansyourzipperisopenandyourwhitebriefsarevisibletoanywhomightwanttolookit'ssnowingdown southXYZ,whichtranslatesintocheckyourzipper THEENDPeriod,stop,andquit.That'sallhewrotefolks.

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Thisspaceisforyourfavoritesayings.

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Bibliography
Alpern,Lynne,Oh,Lord,ISoundJustLikeMama.(Atlanta:PeachtreePublishers,1986). Alstad,Ken,SavvySayin's.(Tucson:KenAlstadCompany,1989). Atwood,E.Bagby,TheRegionalVocabularyofTexas.(Austin:UniversityofTexasPress,1962). Benthul,HermanF.,WordingYourWayThroughTexas.(Burnet,Texas:EakinPress,1981). Black,DonaldC.,HandyasaHipPocketOnAHog.(Dallas,Texas:TaylorPublishingCompany,1989). Bowman,Bob,IAin'tSureIUnderstandEverythingIKnowAboutThis.(Lufkin,Texas:BestofEastTexasPublishing,1985). Bowman,Bob,IfITellYouaHenDipsSnuff....(Lufkin,Texas:BestofEastTexasPublishing,1981). Claiborne,Robert,LooseCannonsandRedHerrings.(NewYork:BallantineBooks,1988). Eaton,Dian,IsItTrueWhatTheySayAboutDixie?(Secaucus,N.J.:CitadelPress,1988). Funk,CharlesE.,AHogOnIce.(NewYork:HarperColophonBooks,1985). Funk,CharlesE.,Horsefeathers&OtherCuriousWords.(NewYork:PerennialLibrary,1986). Mitchell,Steve,HowToSpeakSouthern.(NewYork:BantamBooks,1976). Mitchell,Steve,MoreHowToSpeakSouthern.(NewYork:BantamBooks,1980). Moore,JackS.,TheOfficialRedneckHandbook.(Houston:Larksdale,1983).

Page266

Powers,Nick,Speakin'SuthernLikeItShouldBeSpoke.(Lindale,Georgia:CountryOriginals,1975). Russel,KayandJones,Nancy,TexasTalkin'.(Burner,Texas:EakinPress,1981). Smith,DiannS.,DownHomeTalk.(NewYork:CollierMacMillan,1988). Syatt,Dick,CountryTalk.(Secaucus,N.J.:CitadelPress,1980). Syatt,Dick,LikeWeSayBackHome.(Secaucus,N.J.:CitadelPress,1987). Weaver,Ken,TexasCrude.(NewYork:E.P.Dutton,Inc.,1984). Wilder,RoyE.Jr.,YouAllSpokenHere.(NewYork:Penguin,1984).

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Index
A "ALil'OleBittyPissantCountryPlace"BUSINESSADVICE AbsquatulatedDISAPPEAREDSUDDENLY AdamSTRANGER AlabamaMEANAS AlamoMEMORY,POOR SAFE SCATTERED WELCOME AlcoholicAnonymousDRUNKVERSUSALCOHOLIC LIFE,BORING AlliedVanLinesWALK,SEDUCTIVE AnheuserBuschALCOHOLIC AntifogmaticWHISKEY,STRONG ArizonaprospectorLIAR,MALE ArkansasBEANS DETERMINED,DIARRHEA CHAMBERPOT ABANDONED KNIFE,LARGE FIST POKERHAND,WORTHLESS PREACHER,EXPERIENCED SALTPORK SOWBELLYMEAT Astaire,FredFEMALEEQUALITY AstrodomeCHANCE,SLIM ROACHES,BIG AstroturfFUTILE GARDENER,INEPT AthleticdormDIFFICULTSITUATION AthleticsupporterALUMNI,CAUTIOUS AtlantaLOCATION,GOOD AtlantaConstitutionTIGHTWAD AtlantaFalconsATLANTA,GEORGIA Austin,TexasUNTRUSTWORTHY B BacklogCOMPLICATION Baggett,DonnisOILFIELDWORKER POLITICALPHILOSOPHY POLITICIAN,DEVIOUS RELATED,SORTOF BajaOklahomaYES Bankhead,TallulahPARTYCONSEQUENCES VIRGIN BaptistRAREAS SALESMAN,GOOD BaptistbellchoirHANGOVER BaptistchoirboyMALE,ANGRY MALE,EVIL BaptistchurchCHANCE,SLIM Barr,RoseanneVOICE,POOR Barrow,ClydeMALE,EVIL BaylorUniversityRAREAS Beaumont,TexasLUCKY,EXTREMELY Bean,RoyBUSINESSMAN,DECEITFUL BermudaTrianglePERSON,STRANGE BibleEXASPERATING NEWSPAPER SALESMAN,GOOD SUSPICION Bisher,FurmanTIGHTWAD Black,DonaldChainLUCKY,EXTREMELY BluebonnetBowlDISADVANTAGE Boudreau,LouBASEBALLPLAYER,SLOW

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Bowman,DonPOLITICALINEFFICIENCY THEREISSTILLTIME Bragan,BobbySTATISTICS,MEANINGLESS Brenner,DavidVEGETARIAN Brooks,JerryMEANMAN Brownfield,DaveDRINK,PERFECT BudweiserSOUND,OMINOUS BullDurhamDRY Burnett,BurkINTROUBLE C CadillacBROKE MIXEDEMOTIONS RICH,BUTINEPT CajunCOOK CRYALOT CaliforniaCHANCE,SLIM CHEAPSKATE KNIFE,SWITCHBLADE LOCATION,GOOD YANKEE CanadaHAIRRESTORER,GOOD YANKEE CaptainHookSORE CarnationmilkMILK,CANNED CarolinasRED Carpenter,LizFEMALESUPERIORITY Carter,BillyCHILDREN,WORTHLESS Carter,DonaldRISKTAKING Carter,JimmyCHILDREN,WORTHLESS Carter,LillianCHILDREN,WORTHLESS Cash,JohnnySTUPIDMAN CatholicRELIGIOUS,SOMETIMES ChablisCITYBOY,STUPID Chariton,JenniferGOTWHATHEDESERVED INHEAT CharolaisCITYBOY,STUPID CheeriosSTUPIDWOMAN ChevetteBROKE ChineseFAMILY,SORRY FUTILE ORGANIZATION,POOR TASTE,BAD ChinesegongHANGOVER ChineselaundryDULL(BORING) ChineseworkersCHANCE,SLIM ChristmasBORNLOSER ChristmaslightsCHEAPSKATE ChristmastreeUGLYWOMAN ChristmastreefarmBORNLOSER CincinnatiSALTPORK ClemsonUniversityDISADVANTAGE ClevelandCavaliersALMOSTOVER ClydesdalehorsesBEAUTYMEASURE ClydesdaleScaleBEAUTYMEASURE CocaColaHOMEREMEDY SIGHT,IMPAIRED SOLUTION,TEMPORARY ColoradoLOCATION,GOOD MISER UNEXPECTED "CometoJesus"STRANGER CommunityChestFEMALE,INEPT ConfederatemoneyGUNCOLLECTOR,AVID CongoDETERMINED CoonhuntersACTIONSSPEAKLOUDERTHANWORDS CoorsbeerCOLORADO

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Crockett,DavyDETERMINED FUTILE ROUGHHEWN CupidFEMINIST,DEVOUT D DairyQueenIGNORANT DallasCowboysBUSINESS,CLASS DISADVANTAGE EVERYTHING PARANOID DallasMavericksBESPECIFIC RISKTAKING DallasMorningNewsPERSON,CONTROVERSIAL RELATED,SORTOF STATUSQUO STRANGER Dallas,TexasTEXASWEATHER Davis,MaryMargaretCHESTOFDRAWERS Davis,RonFORGETFUL DemocratDRINKER,HEAVY DemocraticFEMALEEQUALITY DenverBroncosLEGS,THIN DepressionCOUNTRYBOY,SMART DetroitLionsDRINKER,HEAVY DevilEXCITED MELTS POINTED RAININGWHILETHESUNSHINES DiogenesNEIGHBORHOOD,POOR DixieSCATTERED TELLINGTHETRUTH Dobie,J.FrankIDEA DrPepperCOFFEEDRINKER,AVID DRINK,PERFECT MATCH,POOR Dykes,SpikePERSEVERE E EastTexasBLACK CRAYFISH GEORGIA EasterBunnyMELTS EastereggsMEMORY,POOR SMELLSBAD EasterSundayRELIGIOUS,SOMETIMES ElPasoTimesCHESTOFDRAWERS ElvisCHANCE,SLIM IT'SOVER UGLYBABY VISITOR,INFREQUENT "EveninginParis"LUCKY,EXTREMELY ExLaxMEANWOMAN F Farquhar,GeorgeCUPID FBICLEANLIVING FerriswheelDANGEROUSSITUATION Fields,W.C.CALIFORNIA FiverunhomerATTEMPTINGTHEIMPOSSIBLE Fonda,JaneDISLIKE FordWOBBLED Ford,HenrySURPLUS FortWorthStarTelegramDISADVANTAGE FortWorth,TexasIGNORANT FRIEND LOST TEXASWEATHER Frank,StanleyBASEBALLPLAYER,SLOW G Galloway,RandyPERSON,CONTROVERSIAL GamblersAnonymousLIFE,BORING Garland,TexasDRINK,PERFECT Garner,JohnNanceVICEPRESIDENT Gent,PetePARANOID GeorgiaFACT GRITS LONG LOST LOOKEVERYWHERE MEANWOMAN POSITIVE ROPE,LONG SPEEDING STICKY

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GettysburgSCATTERED GirlScoutJEALOUSMAN Glanville,JerryATLANTA,GEORGIA LOCATION,GOOD ROACHES,BIG GodBEQUIET BESPECIFIC DRIVER,POOR FACT FRIEND PROVERBS,COUNTRYSTYLE RELIGIOUSPERSON,DEVOUT SKEPTICAL STUPIDMAN WHISKEY GoliathMEANMAN Gomez,LeftyBOWLEGGED GoodyearblimpWINDBAG GrandCanyonBEPATIENT STRONGPERSON Grant,U.S.OVERPOWERED Graziano,RockySTUDENT,POOR GreatNorthernglacierMOVESSLOW Grey,ZanePRUDE Guinan,TexasBIGSPENDER H Hale,LeonINEFFECTIVE Hall,CarolBUSINESSADVICE HalloweenBORNLOSER HandyasHipPocketsonaHogLUCKY,EXTREMELY HarleyDavidsonSUCTION,GOOD Harvey,PaulHISTORICALEVENT,MINOR HearseARGUMENTCLOSE Hightower,JimOPINIONATED TAKEACTION Hogan,SallyHEADACHE,SEVERE HollywoodCOMMONAS POSITIVE RAREAS Holsted,JoeIGNORANT LOST HonkytonkAUTOMOBILEDENTS,MINOR OUTOFPLACE SOUND,OMINOUS Hoover,HerbertARMADILLO HornofPlentyLOSER House,BoycePURE HoustonChronicleINEFFECTIVE HoustonOilersATLANTA,GEORGIA ROACHES,BIG Houston,SamMEANMAN Houston,TexasFEMALESUPERIORITY Howard,FrankDISADVANTAGE Hubbard,ElbertFOOTBALL HumptyDumptyADOLESCENT HygieneSocietyBUZZARDS HypochondriacMEANWOMAN I IfITellYouaHenDipsSnuffTHEREISSTILLTIME IndianPOSITIVE SNOW,DEEP IraqHISTORICALEVENT,MINOR IRSBUSINESS,BAD RESISTTEMPTATION VINDICTIVE J JackDanielsCOLD(ILLNESS) UGLYBABY JapanesecarLAND,FERTILE Jaworski,LeonDEFENDER,STAUNCH JellOCARPENTER,POOR COOK,POOR DIFFICULT Jenkins,DanYES JoanofArcSTUPIDWOMAN JohnDeereMALE,LARGE

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Johnson,JimmyDISADVANTAGE Johnson,LyndonCOUNTRYBOY SHAKEHANDS STUDENT,POOR VOTING Jones,JerryBUSINESS CLASS EVERYTHING K KansasLAND,FLAT LITTER TRYINGTHEIMPOSSIBLE KentuckyDerbyEFFORT,WASTED Kilabrew,HarmonBASEBALLHITTER,STRONG KleenexCAREFULAS SPINELESS KuwaitHISTORICALEVENT,MINOR L LagnappeEXTRA Landry,TomCLASS LasVegasBUSINESSOPPORTUNITY,GOOD FAKE LOSER THIEF,STUPID Lasorda,TommyBASEBALLPITCHER,STRONG PROBLEMDRINKER LastsupperCHEAPSKATE Layne,BobbyDRINKER,HEAVY LazarusBROKE Lee,RobertE.GUNCOLLECTOR,AVID Lewis,GibADVANCEWARNING DECEIVING NOTINVOLVED LincolnTownCarRATTLES Lincoln,AbrahamACTWISELY Longworth,AliceRooseveltPHILOSOPHY,SIMPLE LouisianaDETERMINED CRAYFISH FEMALE,VAIN MEANAS NERVOUS SHOTGUN Lubbock,TexasPOOR SHOCKEDEXPRESSION WIND,STRONG LysolFEMALE,CONNIVING M MackTruckMALE,LARGE MaloxSALESMAN,POOR Mandrell,BarbaraFEMALE,SMALL MardiGrasBUSYAS Martin,BillyINCOMPETENT PERSON,CONTROVERSIAL PROBLEMDRINKER MastercardBROKE Matthew,bookofABLEBUTUNWILLING McDonaldsRAREAS McEvoy,TimHEADACHE,SEVERE McSheehy,JamesB.BUILDING,UGLY DENIAL IMPOSSIBLE THINGSHAVECHANGED MemorialDayPOLITICIAN,EXPERT Meredith,DonLEGS,THIN MethodistRAIN,SPRINKLING MethodistbellchoirOUTOFPLACE MethodistYouthFellowshipFEMALE,EVIL MexicanDIARRHEA JEALOUSWOMAN KNIFE,SWITCHBLADE STREETS,CROOKED MexicanburroSHORTPERSON MexicancookbookBOOK,SULTRY MexicanplatelunchSTOUT MexicantouristMORALS,POOR MexicanwaterSICK

Page272

MexicoRIVER,SHALLOW MiamiDolphinsFISHINGTRIP,LOUSY MiamiHeraldTIGHTWAD MideastRISES,FAST MississippiEYES,RED SKEPTICAL SOUP,THICK TALKINGBIG TOES,LARGE MississippiRiverHUSBAND,INEPT MissouriDETERMINED MissourimuleSITUATION,POOR MobyDickOLDPERSON MontanaCOLDAS MorsecodeELECTRICIAN,GOOD MosesDRY Mother'sDayUNLUCKY MotherinlawDOUBLEJEOPARDY MIXEDEMOTIONS Motta,DickALMOSTOVER N NBAALMOSTOVER Nelson,WillieROOM,MESSY NewOrleansBANKER,TIGHT BUSYAS CLOTHES,FANCY IMPOSSIBILITY WIFE,IDEAL NewYorkBIGSPENDER DANGEROUSAS MALE,ANGRY MEANWOMAN NEIGHBORHOOD,POOR NiagaraFallsCHEAPSKATE PLUMBER,GOOD Nixon,RichardLIAR,MALE STUDENT,POOR NoahSTUPIDWOMAN Noah'sarkUNLUCKY NorthCarolinaTIRED NuclearpowerplantDANGEROUSAS NudistcolonyBORING,CONFUSEDAS FARMER,SMART FRUSTRATED HUSBAND,HENPECKED O OklahomaCHAPPEDLIPS,SEVERE DEMOCRAT DETERMINED DUSTSTORM POSITIVE ROAD,ROUGH SIPHONHOSE STREETS,POOR OlympicteamBISCUIT,HEAVY Orr,JimmyDRINKER,HEAVY Owen,GlennEFFICIENT HAIRRESTORER,GOOD P PanamaCanalCHANCE,SLIM Parker,BonnieFEMALE,EVIL Parton,DollyUNLUCKY YES Pearl,MinnieLONGTIMEBETWEENKISSES Pecos,TexasBUSINESSMAN,DECEITFUL SUCTION,GOOD Peterman,PaulPOOR PhiladelphiaDRESSEDUP PhilharmonicBRAGGART Pickens,T.BooneACCEPTTHEINEVITABLE PikesPeakCHEAPSKATE PineSolFEMALE,CONNIVING PizzaHutRAREAS TASTE,BAD PoliticianAVOIDTROUBLE Pope,EdwinTIGHTWAD Presley,ElvisSeeElvis PsalmsFUTILE PTACHILDREN,WORTHLESS Pyote,TexasTOWN,SMALL Q QuakerNUMEROUS

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R Raines,GlennEVERYTHINGISFINE Ramsey,BenPOLITICALTRUISM Ray,FayMALE,LARGE Rayburn,SamCHILI,HOT COMMONSENSE DIRECTION INSTRUCTIONS,LACKING RodSeaDRY Reeves,DanLEGS,THIN Reeves,JimDISADVANTAGE RepublicanDRINKER,HEAVY ReverseClydesdaleScaleBEAUTYMEASURE Richards,PaulBASEBALLHITTER,STRONG Richards,AnnFEMALEEQUALITY Richmond,VirginiaOVERPOWERED RichterscaleMALE,STUPID RioGrandeRIVER,SHALLOW RioGrandevalleyOLDTIMER,COUNTRYBOY Rogers,GingerFEMALEEQUALITY Rogers,RoyFEMALE,SMALL Rogers,WillCHILI,HOT DEMOCRAT HEROES NOTHINGTODO Roosevelt,FranklinOLDANDFAT Roosevelt,TheodoreCAREFULAS RussiaTASTE,BAD RAREAS SNARLS RussianrouletteIGNORANT S Salina,TexasPOOR SanAntonio,TexasBUSINESSMAN,DECEITFUL SAFE STREETS,CROOKED SantaClausBORNLOSER MEANWOMAN TOWN,SMALL SatanHELLSeealsodevil SchlitzMaltLiquorTIMID SeaWorldFISHERMAN,INEPT SearsVOICE,POOR SecretariatHORSE,FAST 7ElevenLAND,DRY ShakespeareJEALOUSMAN Shaw,GeorgeBernardGOVERNMENTSPENDING Sherrod,BlackieSTATUSQUO STRANGER Sloan,DwightMIXEDEMOTIONS SmithandWessonADVANTAGE SouthCarolinaTANGLEDUP WASTINGTIME SouthTexasJUMPEDONME SoutheastConferenceMIXEDEMOTIONS SupermanHARDAS T Taft,HaroldTEXASWEATHER TarzanIMPRESSION,FALSE Taylor,ElizabethCONFUSEDAS TennesseeMEANMAN ROPE,LONG TexanHARDHEADED PROVERBS,COUNTRYSTYLE TexasDETERMINED DRESS,SKIMPY DECEIVING ADVANCEWARNING EASYWAYOUT FACT FAMILY,SORRY GIRL,CUTE GRAVY LOCATION,GOOD INTROUBLE KNIFE,SWITCHBLADE MEANMAN MOSQUITOES,LARGE NOT

Page274

INVOLVED POLITICALTRUISM POSITIVE PURE RED RIOGRANDERIVER RIVER,SHALLOW TAKEACTION TexasChristianUniversityDISADVANTAGE ''TexasProudandLoud"PURE TexasRangersYOUCANDOIT TexasTechPERSEVERE ThanksgivingINEPT INEVITABLE "TheBestLittleWhorehouseinTexas"BUSINESSADVICE TitanicFASTWORKER MISGUIDED TokyoSTUPIDMAN Travis,WilliamB.WELCOME TreasuryagentABANDONED Trevino,LeeWIFE,UNDERSTANDING POOR TriggerSTUPIDMAN Truman,HarryLIAR,MALE TRUTH TurkeyHISTORICALEVENT,MINOR Twain,MarkCHURCH POLITICALAUDIENCE,GOOD PROFANITY VALUE U UFOsCOOK,POOR UnitedNationsHISTORICALEVENT,MINOR UniversityofArkansasMIXEDEMOTIONS UniversityofTexasDRINKER,HEAVY PERSEVERE V ValentinesDayHEARTLESS Velenzuela,FernandoBASEBALLPITCHER,STRONG VietnamDISLIKE VisacardBROKE SPENDSALOT W Waco,TexasEMPTY Wagner,HonusBOWLEGGED WallStreetDRESSEDUP SALESMAN,POOR Wallace,BigFootMOUTH,FEMALE Washington,GeorgeFRUGAL Wayne,JohnGETGOING PHONY SMALL WIND,STRONG WBAPLOST Weatherford,TexasFARMER,SMART WeightWatchersLIFE,BORING WestTexasINTROUBLE LAND,DRY LAND,FLAT PERSEVERE SUBMARINECREWMAN WIND,STRONG West,MaeFEMALE,FLIRTATIOUS WhiskeydentsAUTOMOBILEDENTS,MINOR WhiteHouseMANURE OLDANDFAT White,MarkEASYWAYOUT Wilde,OscarENEMIES Wilder,Roy,Jr.TIRED Wilkes,EdPOOR Wilson,JustinSHOTGUN WisconsinBIGSPENDER WonderWomanCOLDAS Wright,JimFRIEND X XeroxSALESMAN,GOOD Y YankeedimeKISS,QUICK YankeestadiumEASYTOFIND YouAllSpokenHereTIRED