An Ex-Pastor's Heart

By Phillip C. Lee

I was a pastor for 10 years. Before that, I was a President and founder of New Beginnings Mentorship
program for Ex offenders . Before that, I and altar worker and a Sunday school teacher, I evangelize and
headedyears of street door to door ministries. I was armor bearers for several pastors . I graduated from
BTI, Bible teach institution in Virginia beach Va.Iwas ordain under several different denominational man
made church systems, from “COGIC” church of God in Christ, Assembly of God, the Baptist church, and
the the so called Non denominational church. And before all of that I studied Islam for 4 years. And befor
that I spent 10 years in the United States Army, spending 5 years in Germany, where I learned about the
Catholic Church and its rule over people. In 1985 I was introduce to the Truth about the free masons, and
their power over people. it I've been around church culture most my adult life. I accepted Christ into my
life on October 18, 1990 after attempting to commit suicide. In 2006 in was found not guilty in a
embezzlement case, which I believe was the LORD doing, as I was going thought the roughest time in my
Christian ministry life. So, I was pretty much bred in the church.
From the very beginning in the church, a lot in me began to question the way things were. I witnessed the
struggles and ridiculous nature of church “leadership”. I witness thousands of people being abused by
church members while the pastor looked the other way. I witnessed the church expand and contract over
and over again, as families came, took what they could, and then stabbed their brothers in the back
without a second glance. I saw leadership fight for microphones, pulpits, and titles. I saw the dirty laundry
of people who were leading people, but were no further along in their spiritual lives. They just had more
experience in the lingo and culture. When I look back at it, it makes me sick how shallow that was.
I all ways wanted desperately to share my excitement about God with my friends and family. But, I didn't
feel like I had any that burned with passion for God like I did. So, I turned to the other church members
and asked them if they wanted to start a church group. Four of us met at that first meeting in our home in
White Stone Va. I can honestly say that I succeeded and failed often, but I stayed faithful to what I had
committed to, which was preached as the most important thing. I just made sure I kept my failings to
myself.
After witnessing what I saw during that time – abuse of power, rudeness, pride, prejudice, and false
accusations towards me as a pastor New Life Ministries in Lancaster Va, my wife and relocated to North
Carolina.
The Church continued to grow. We tried hard to provide all we could. We fed the homeless, distributed
groceries, ministered to children in the projects, and just about everything you would think a church
should do. It was excited to feel like we were making a difference. The church grew, and even had as
much as 150 members at its peak. My dedicated was there, but I could not help but continue to feel all the
conflicts I felt as a child. Discussing it with my associates (my parents) only resulted in heated arguments.
But, my parents wanted to do church as usual. Over time, it eroded each one of us until there was nothing
left. By 2006, my mother had left the ministry and her marriage, my father was struggling to rebuild his
life, and I was left in the same place – wondering why we had wasted so much time on people that were
nowhere to be found, and ignored our own lives in pursuit of a supposed “calling.”
Don't get me wrong – I love people. I worry about people. I want to support people. I try to “pastor” people
around me that are doing wrong. But, I have learned that you cannot do what the Holy Spirit alone can do.
People aren't inspired by being told about a race – they want to see you running it yourself, and winning.
Today, I see brothers and sisters in the faith all struggling to hang on to what they have and what they've
been promised. I see agendas and schemes to “advance the kingdom”. I see big money spent on
buildings and special interests while those in the church stay lacking the basic essentials of life. Not food
– but FREEDOM. They are trapped in this box called “church”, but Jesus died to open the doors of that
cell. All we have created is an artificial prison for our souls. As long as we play the game, we feel good for
the rest of the day. But, nothing is any different than the day before. We fight gays, but say nothing about
racism and real social issues because it is easier to stand for dogma than principle. We are cowards who
stand behind an institution that is only held together with exaggerations, twisted theology, and little bit of
spit.
This is where I reenter. But, I'm not a drone anymore. I don't look for ways to justify what has gone wrong.
I don't look for individuals to blame. I don't look for heros to admire. I reenter the story as a person freed
from the slavery that Jesus liberated us from – the slavery of religion, routine, and abuse. These days, I
have come to realize that my calling is an “invitation”, not a mandate. My entire life is one big invitation to
dance with God. I've sensed it my whole life, but I was so distracted with popular Christian singularity that
I missed the real plot to the story. I am not called to BE anything. I am called to DO everything. I am not
called to ATTEND anywhere, but to ASSOCIATE with someone. I am not called to DECLARE anything,
but to TRUST in a living God who doesn't care about my seminary grades or how many people I got to
pray the “sinner's prayer”.
I am INVITED to a wedding feast at the end of days. And, my only goal is to get there with as many
friends and family as possible. After everything I have been through in my short life, I have learned that no
sermon I preach can ever replace someone discovering this for themselves. For this reason, I am an ex-
pastor. I believe that it is all up to you to learn and discover the things I have studied all my life and would
have spoon fed you only to have you forget it by tomorrow morning after critiquing it with your friends. I
believe that you will never learn anything unless you find it yourself. I believe that everything I have to say
to you can be said here with more impact than a 45-minute sermon. I believe that you have a story to live
and nothing I do or say can convince you to live it. You have to hunger, thirst, and yearn for Him, the
ultimate Purpose and the Author of your story.
It's His heart you have to be after, not mine. I'm busy chasing after Him, and there just isn't any time to
waste on playing church. Run with me, or stay behind. It's your choice.