The question is not so much whether I have the right to kill myself, it is more a case that I must decide

if it is warranted or not. Or if it makes sense. Quite simply, life as a “thing in itself” no longer holds any
particular interest to me. If, indeed, it ever has. And whenever I try to convince myself otherwise all I
ever seem to do is hurt others. Others to whom I likely owe a duty of trust and responsibility. I was
going to write that I am “poison on two legs,” but please. That is hardly warranted. I'm simply human,
a rather poor specimen of one, true, but hardly consciously seeking out others to hurt. No, what I do is
hurt others when I forget what I am and who I am.

So then, where are we? What are we left with? There are three possible outcomes, one resulting in life
and one resulting in death. And one indeterminate. All are a matter of me doing my duty or failing to do
it. Or, well, trying to do my duty and at least succeeding in making an effort. If that makes sense. Or, to
put it another way:

Case 1: I determine what my duties owed to others are and decide that I am able to do them to the best
of my ability, indeed, to the best of just about anyone's ability. This case results in life.

Case 2: I determine what my duties owed to others are and decide that I am NOT able to do them, but
that I am able to make the effort to do these duties. This case is indeterminate. Here I must decide if the
efforts do result in a better life for those I am acting. If I decide “yes” I live. If I decide “no,” I die.

Case 3: I determine what my duties owed to others are and decide that I am NOT able to do them. In
fact, I am not a support to others but a burden. This case results in death.

Thus I am to act as my own Judge, Jury and (perhaps) Executioner. And I shall approach the problem
with dispassion, as I seldom seem to be able to do with the rest of my life. I must also set a timeframe
for this discussion, I do not want to drag it out forever, nor do I want to lose it in the confusion or
perhaps diffusion of my daily life. Thirty days? Sixty days? Ninety days? At this point I cannot say.
But I cannot let time get away from me. So I need a time-table, and I need to strictly adhere to it.

Quite frankly, my fondest hope would be that I am gone in about six months. And that is the sort of
attitude I must guard against. It infuses too much emotion into something I need to be a rational or at
any rate semi-rational process. The fact that I wish I were dead does not mean that I shall end my life,
any more than the wish of someone who wants to live forever means they shall.

I've also decided in the course of this rambling, which I expect to run to about, oh, five thousand words
or so that at about word number one thousand I post this nonsense onto my long unused blog. I'll also
post a link to each entry on the “diary” at www.suicideforum.com and we shall see what sort of
response is generated. Probably nothing, and that's fine. But I would like some honest criticism of this
rambling, which amounts to nothing more than a draft of a polished essay I hope to produce at some
point or other. And I'd rather have it then than before I get to that point. But at this point all I'm doing is
tossing out ideas, in no particular order, sequence or system. Doubtless some of what I'm saying here
will be eliminated, some expanded and perhaps some even contradicted upon reflection.

The main point being that I have simply not made up my mind. And that the thoughts expressed here
are going to force me to come to a decision on this matter. Once and for all. Or at any rate for the next
ten or probably twenty years should the choice made be for life.

A very rough outline of the sort they taught me when I was in third grade (I wonder if they still do that?
Hope not.) follows here:
 1. Introduction and explanation
(a) some of the stuff from that first page
(b) conclusion, which I hope to have reached by then (why keep reader in suspense?)
2. Background
(a) The obligatory biography – keep this short, not certain how pertinent is
i. education, religion, failures, all that happy crappy, adolescent suicide attempts and how
unrelated to present problem this seems
(b) The crisis precipitated – from oh, 1998 on or so.
i. Inability to survive at work and at home
ii. recurring suicidal thoughts ignored
iii. where I stand at present, and I suppose why this is unacceptable
3. Philosophy of life (or death)
(a) admission that I don't really know what I'm talking about here
(b) views on metaphysics, epistemology, ethics, politics and possibly aesthetics
i. don't bore the reader to death, mmmkay
ii. but important to state this in the sense that certain arguments contra suicide fail in my
case since I simply do not share the beliefs many do
(c) Why do I find life so unappealing?
i. I don't know, but I suppose needs addressing due to the fact that, well, I do
4. Its your duty, duty, to shake that booty, booty – Thoughts on duty as means of staying alive
(a) going to have to restate the stuff from the opening, unfortunately, but also expand on
i. Note especially the business that nothing else matters
ii. To whom do I owe duties and exactly what duties do I owe them?
iii. Spengler quote, if can find as ideal am shooting for.
iv. Note that I have been nothing but a burden for over two years now
v. can't forget the three “cases” from above
(b) Why I think I can/cannot meet this requirement going forward
i. Not even clear what to say here, can't develop until I decide
ii. offer some proof one way or the other
iii. what attempts have been made to fulfill my duty, and how miserably failed (do this go
here?)
5. The Judgment – (Judge myself, prepare a verdict on myself and maybe execute myself)
(a) Alive or dead, and why, basically
i. meh, too much up in the air.
(b) What this will mean to those noted above as owed duties
i. either way, obviously can't write much about this until decide
6. Going forward/conclusion
(a) Nothing to say at this juncture, completely open but plan for what I will say when I get here

This little project of mine is going to involve some research, though I honestly haven't a clue how much
. The one thing I cannot do is allow myself to be bogged down in details. Definitely want to read
Amery, some other books I've gotten my claws on, probably revisit The Noonday Demon, especially
the chapters on suicide. Probably need at least one book on brain function – the sort of thing a layman
can understand. Though I have no idea if I shall or not.

IOW, I need to set a hard deadline for the completion of all research, not a soft one. And keep it. But
we shall see what we shall see. Actually, let's do this: all research done in six weeks from today. This
gets me to October 22, 2009. during that time I am, of course going to be puttering around with this
essay, attempting to find a job, etc., so we shall see what we shall see. Will obviously have to hide from
my wife all the reference material I sign out of the library. Which I guess will limit me to doing my
reading late at night. Or during the day at a library, if I do not sign the books out.

Let's also say November 5, two weeks later for parts 1 to 4 of the essay to be complete, barring perhaps
only the most minor of revisions. (Unduly optimistic? Perhaps.)

And, finally, the essay done, complete and whole two weeks after that, or on November 19.

And after that? I guess it all depends upon what course I decide to pursue. Should it be death, I will
NOT take any immediate action, I would guesstimate no action until sometime in March 2010.
However, I will cease all communication on-line. That's just how it goes. Should it be life, hmm, I may
actually feel a need to discard this identity and try to move on with my life. So, either way, I submit
that World's Edge has a limited shelf life. Interesting that that had not occurred to me before. But it
makes sense.

And although it is doubtless going to be a huge pain, I'm also going to have to sit down and figure out a
workable format for this mess. It is going to need a table of contents, footnotes and probably a
bibiliography. I draw the line at index, though there's really no need since the whole mess will not run
to 20,000 words. It could, but I simply will not have time based on the schedule I've set.

And, much to my surprise I am turning my back on Microsoft Word, for this project. OpenOffice.org's
Writer is simply easier for me to use. So that's what this shall be written in. Not that anyone other me
cares about that, but Word is just too crash-prone on my laptop and Word 2007 itself simply too
confusing, though I've gotten better at it over time.

I suppose this is as good a point to stop at as any, since the only thing I see me doing is circling back
and expanding on what I've noted here. Of course the outline will change, but that will come as a result
of my circling back, not by doing any more pud-pulling/navel gazing. Quite a bit of work ahead of me,
I see. I've got 78 days to do some research, crank out 15,000 to 18,000 words while at the same time
hide the whole project from my wife AND proceed with some other thing. Oh, yeah. AND return to
daily blog entries.

Well, whatever. What else am I going to be doing with my time?