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lEALTH
Take charge of your emotions before they take charge of you.

AND LET GO
Although research indicates that stress is a key factor leading to a wide variety of ailments ranging from tension headaches to strokes, the good news is that we can do something about it. A little conflict is normal. Where we get into trouble is when we allow conflicts to control our lives.

xperts agree. Real stress issues are few and far between. \A^en was the last time you experienced a severe physical injury, life-altering illness, or the death ofa loved one? Stress in these circumstances is certainly justified. However, "projected" stress is the most common. The danger of projected stress is that it can easily become a crutch. "We get in a habit of using our stress for making apologies instead of focusing on making changes," says Maya Tailsman Frost, founder of the Real-World Mindfalness Training Center. "If you're saying 'I'm sorry' too much, that should be a trigger to bring you hack to the moment and make you change what's wrong in your thinking. We use 'having a bad day' to excuse irritability, errors in work or judgment, and not paying attention as we should. The danger is that it feeds on itself. These kinds of thoughts build, get worse, cause excessive stress, and become a 'had day' hecause we create it." Knowledge Is Power Dr. Karen Sherman, a practicing psychologist and author, says, "Knowledge gives you power. You need to develop tools to help you see things realistically." Setting unrealistic goals, not taking care of our own

by Joyce Laird
6 Vibrant Life Nov/Dec 2007

needs, and trying to be everything to everyone are some major ways we pile stress onto ourselves. We say, "It's the stress of my job, the kids, my relatives, the holidays, or . . . (add your own here). I'm always running on empty." In reality, nobody is doing it to us b u t . . . us. With the assistance of Opinion Research Corporation of Princeton, New Jersey, Stephen Shapiro, a creativity consultant based in Boston, just completed extensive research for a new book on stress as related to goal-free living. He notes that 36 percent of those surveyed in this country say that the more goals they set tor themselves, the more stressed they become, while 52 percent say that one of their goals is to reduce the amount of stress in their lives. A mental Catch-22.

things that can't be changed." Getting Back on Track If you feel as tliough you're "ninning on empty" 90 percent of the time, youVe not doing your physical, emotional, or mental health any favors. It's time to step back and take a look at your situation. Jay Wmner, M.D., is a family physician, author of 5>/YXf Mmmgemem Made Simple, and

/Gooi

This is GOD

"It's a matter of learning to control your reactions," says Dr. Sherman. "Learning to breathe a certain way will make you less stressed; learning to meditate; becoming more cognitive about the reality of any situation rather than reacting emotionally. These skills can be learned." Susan Newman, Ph.D., a social psychologist who teaches at Rutgers University in New Jersey, is author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say Itand Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. She says, "The most important thing any of us can do is to learn to say NO; learn to recognize when people are trying to manipulate you."

of tJie universe today,

tlianJv you!

The survey also uncovered that 53 percent of respondents believed tliey were living their lives in ways that satisfied others instead of themselves. Another common way we create stress is by not living in the moment. This can be done by continually worrying about what's going to happen in the fuuire; or, as Suzanne Adele Schmidt Ph.D., business coach and consultant, states: "Rethinking about what we should have done in the past can I)e just as crippling. Life must be kept in perspective. We need to concentrate on what is happening right now, instead of stressing over

Five Steps In her book she writes: There are five basic steps to keep in viind as you hone your ability to turn people down. As soon as you begin to apply the?//, you will start to feel Justified saying no and yoi4 will see results. You won V be able to founder of the stress management say no to everything asked of you, program at the Santa Barbara, nor will you want to, but you don't California, Medical Clinic. have to he an ever-aceoinmodating As a physician he sees the yes-person to be loved, respected, and results of stress on the physical admired. wellbeing of patients on a daily basis. "Tbe way we think about L Make a list of your yeses what is going on in our lives is over the period of a week. Note any the key," he says. "One way we negative reaction you havethat is can deal with stress is to change the True measure. some of our thought processes. 2. Pay attention to how you Reframing is an example. parcel out your time. Something may go wrong at 3. Get your prionties work and a person might think, sti'uight. 'How awful, V?n a total failure.' Or 4. Know your limitsstart to he can reframe and say, ^Somedefine them if you don'? know what thing went wi'ong when I tried it they are. this way, so let's try it another way.' 5. Give control to others to There's always an option." ease your responsihUitie.^. Delegate.

Nov/Dec 2007 Vibrant Ufe 7

"The more ofcen you refuse," Newman says, "the more quickly you'll learn that the fallout is far less extreme than you imagine. Once you accept these realities, the easier it is to say no."

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crutch.

Living Goal-free Stephen Shapiro offers up the tool of goal-free living. He says that he found an interesting piece of information during his survey. "The most creative people, the ni(jst passionate anti loving and fun people, were those who lived life free of goals," he says. "Living goal-free is not being without goals. It basically means get a sense of direction and then set sail and don't worry about whether you're going in the right direction, because the secret is to trust that you are never lost. You must believe that where you are right now is where you're supposed to be and just enjoy it. Stop beating yourself up over everything." "Another secret is to want what you have," he adds. "I think part of the reason we are so goal-oriented is that we've been bombarded by all the things we think we should havea bigger house, a plasma T\% you name it." Maya Talisman Frost notes that "mindfulness" is a good tool for pulling yourself back on track. It's not just meditating for five minutes a day; its paying attention in real time to all tlie things that are going on in your life by focusing your mind on the pres8 Vibrant Ufe NoWDec 2007

ent. Pay attention to the way you "create" your day. Train your mind to stop and recognize when a negative reaction starts; then discard it instead oi building a list that becomes part of your story of having a stressed-out bad day. Put it into the right perspective. Dr. W^imier says that whenever you start noticing you're having thoughts of how awful things are, it's time to stop and look at some of the tools you can

use to reframe things. "In all my classes, I do an experiment. I say raise your hand if

"Whenever you start noticing you're having ^^

at some of the tools you can use to reframe thmgs.

you've ever been rude in your life. Of course, everybody raises their hand. 7'hen 1 say raise your hand if, when you

it up quite well. "The whole idea of being clear about your boundaries is very important. I have a magnet on my refrigerator that says: 'Cood Morning. This is GOD and I will be in charge of the universe today, thank you!' You have to let go. T(>o many of us are trying to control both sides of the street instead of just concentrating on our own yard."

True stress-reducing words to live by.

Joyce Laird has been a freelance wiitei-since 1984 with articles appearing in variom trade ?/ragazines. She lives in Arleta, California.

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are rude, it is when you're happy and feeling your best. Predictably, nobody raises his or her hand. It brings home the point that when others are rude, it usually means that tliey are suffering in one way or another. You can't know what happened. Even with people we know well, we know only the tip of the iceberg. We can reframe that and think. Hey I wonder whafs wrong with them. This will increase empathy and decrease stress," he says. Lifetime Adjustments Tbere are many tools we can all use to deal with stress. Once learned, they will last a lifetime, as opposed to a temporary pill diat just puts a Band-Aid over tlie simadon. Suzamie Adele Schmidt sums

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