The Road to Freedom - Part I
by Kapil Arambam
IT WAS A BAD DAY, AND I
was annoyed, I was frustrated
and I was confused as I stood
begging them for a pill that
would subdue my urges. But
the supervisor of a detox
camp, where I was taking a
daily harm-reduction pill from,
insisted I should bring along
a guardian they could trust
to hand over the medicines.
I knew I had to get rid of the
substances before I start my life
afresh.
I was leaving home to pursue
a career outside the town and
was requesting for a stock, at
least, to fight my powerlessness
over drugs. Leave alone, giving
a thought or planning for the
journey I was about to embark!
It was no more an issue the
skeptical guy trust me or not
– for, well, a junkie is a junkie.
A shot was all I needed; if not,
this chemical I desperately
wanted to possess.
It was a do-or-die situation,
I thought. Those time I wish
I could break his shoulder
blades, as I was so desperate
and the only thing he wanted
was someone, accompanying
me whom he could trust.
Unfortunately, I had no way
to convince him a third party
was not needed to make me
a more sane person. I gave
up as the sun lost its sheen at
the break of twilight in evening
sky. I felt pain and irritated and
discouraged and nervous and
hysterical, and darkness engulfs
my consciousness.
It was four years ago in
Imphal. But then the life that
I dream of, and the life I was
living was like the tale of two
different cities – without an
atom of similarity. The evil
experience started with pots,
drinks and plenty of painkillers
during my high-school days.
I graduated, with remorse, to
higher forms such as smack
and powder before I went to
college. During graduation
exams, I used to take a break
and rush to a haven situated
at a walking distance from our
college.
I was inspired by Paulo
Coehlo. When I look back,
I was always in search of
adventure and exciting dreams.
I have abandoned tradition, do
away with giving in to authority.
I did drugs. I filled my soul
with ego. Finally I ended up
discovering quite a different
reality.
One day, I waited and did
nothing as I was making up a
way to get some amount from
somewhere. It started in the
early morning, with the previous
day gone away a lifetime ago.
q I don’t wake up with a
nightmare anymore and
have left long ago the things
I always did first thing in
the morning – seeking and
searching a way to get my
choice of chemical and
subdue my intolerable urges
But it doesn't mean I did not
regret the life I was living. I
waited the whole day, while my
nose started running; there was
not an ounce of hunger and
my soul was longing to get out
of the listless body. I felt the
hunger and thirst of my body to
get high was the centre of the
universe. I was lonely, feeling
sad and desperately yearning
for a kick. Nothing in the
universe but a piece of powder
could gave me serenity.
When it was dark, I finally got
the fifty bucks – the price for my
existence. And I got looted. The
cops whipped me for loitering
around the notorious area,
where the stuff was available. I
was so close to my dream, yet
so far. The chase and hassles
for meaning in the things still
remains elusive as ever. I got
beaten, I got bruised and I got
angry – that was a part of my
life. They took away my money
and all I could do was to get a
couple of broken fingers and
a gash on my body from their
lathis.
But that was then, and now
the times-they-are-a-changing.
Every day is a fucking great
day now. I don't wake up with
a nightmare anymore and have
left long ago the things I always
did first thing in the morning –
seeking and searching a way to
get my choice of chemical and
subdue my intolerable urges.
I am free now. I don't depend
on substances anymore. I
did drugs to live my life and
lived my life to do drugs. Not
anymore. It was an experience
of a lifetime that the things
I did in a decade of self-
destruction. I still remember my
ex-supervisor. I hope he has
climbed higher in his career.
I have no ill-feelings nor any
grudge against him. However,
I would have had not puked
inside the bus. I was high after
a fix just before the journey. b