Divorce: The Role of Forgiveness By Corinne M. Mullen, J.D.

, Director, Compassionate Divorce Love and forgiveness is not for the fainthearted. Two weeks ago, I received a call from a potential client. She told me that she had sought out a divorce lawyer. In the consult, the lawyer told her, We are the best lawyers in this area. Our windows have been broken, and even shot at. We are tough adversaries. I was speechless. Would a lawyer actually say that? A visit to family court is not much different. Tired judges wade through the rancor of matrimonial disputes. Combat in the courtroom. Its distressing. What possibly can matrimonial litigation mean for children or for the participants? Divorce litigation often offers a platform for vindication. Anger, revenge, betrayal, greed, play out on the court room floor, spilling over into family life, bewildering and terrifying children.

And while mediation is offered as a solution, its outcome is often ess than perfect, leaving participants still coping with unresolved feelings of betrayal, resentment. When the divorce is over, what is left? is often attractive to people attempting to cope with feelings that are difficult to process. Anger, revenge, play out in the courtroom to bitter, resentful conclusions. too often provides a platform for projection of feelings of grief, anger, revenge. By projecting those feelings, the participant is relieved from the pain of having to deal with them. And at the end of divorce, all of those feelings persist, are even amplified. Divorce is one of lifes most stressful experiences. Yet, statistics tell us that close to 50 percent of all marrying couples will experience divorce. The aftermath of divorce has been exhaustively documented. Hurt, anger, bitterness, the legacy of divorce and its effects on children have been the subject of countless studies. Is there anything that can be done to have an effect on the devastation of modern day divorce?

How possibly can the resentment, bitterness and long lasting effects of divorce be improved? How can a husband or wife go on without hurt, anger, bitterness? Forgiveness in divorce. At the center of forgiveness, is the core belief that without forgiving, there is only a continuous chain of suffering. Without forgiveness, we become wed to the past, unable to move forward, and destined to communicate and transmit our hurt to those around us. Ultimately, even in divorce, forgiving is critical to moving on. Yet how can we forgive the unforgivable, the infidelity, the betrayal of the relationship that was to last forever? The place to begin is to understand what forgiveness is:

Understanding what Forgiveness is Forgiveness encompasses the capacity to let go of the pains, sorrows, and hurt, and to choose the future.

Forgiveness does not condone the conduct of the person who hurt you. Forgiveness is for you and not your spouse. It is not surrender or acceptance. Forgiveness means to release and let go of the past, to not be totally lost or beholden to it. . It permits you to reclaim yourself, and free yourself from the past. purifies and releases and permits us to be free again. There is loss and grief. You honor the grief, anger, fear,.In the process you may relize you dont what to forgive yourself. Suffering can elevate human beings.God help us to bear our suffering well. Forgiveness is not quick, sentimental, papering over. It is not for anyone other than yourself.

If you have not forgiven, your captor still possesses you. What do you most fear? Hating forever. Forgiveness is not for the other. It is for you.

Buddhism offers training in compassion, loving kindness, kindness for the body. Forgiveness is a Practice. Start with a mindful presence You notice the tensions in the body, the unfinished. Learn to be present. When you do it, you learn how much you are holding in the heart. Water the seeds of love and forgiveness and out of it

Like many things, this is easier said than done depending on the person and level of offense. In his book, Forgive for Good, Fred Luskin, Ph.D. lays out 9 steps to forgiving for you!
1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes or ten years -ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your bodys flight or fight response. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the unenforceable rules you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

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Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

12 principles connect 1. understanding what it is and is not. It is not condoning, not papering. Not for the other person. 2. Notice the suffering in you. Know that it is not in your best interest to continue suffering 3. Reflect on the benefits of a loving heart. (Be forgiving and loving). 4. You discover in the sense of identity that it is not necessary to be loyal to your suffering. Live in joy and health even among the sick. Live in love admidst the hate. Why should they also take your joy or peace of mind? 5. Brief for the defense by Jack Gilbert. If we do not allow our joy, we collaborate with those who denigrate. We diminish their suffering. Joy is a moral obligation to humanity

6. Understanding that forgiveness is a process. 7. You must set your intention. It sets the compass of your heart. 7.. You need to learn the inner and outer forms of forgiveness. It is and you must learn the practices. 8. The inner technology is you start with what opens your heart. Only when the heart is way open, do you, Ill forgive just a little bit. You start with what is easy. 8. You must be willing to grieve. It has stages: loss, fear, anger. You must be willing to go through the process in some way. 9. Forgiveness includes releasing some of the trauma in the body. Peter Levine, releasing the tiger.

I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice. 10.A shift in identity. I am not I. I am this one walking beside me who I do not see.

A shift in identity. 12. Perspective. 100,000 mea culpas get the mountain down.

HATRED NEVER ENDS BY HATRED, BUT BY LOVE ALONE IS HEALED.