The Secret Diary of a Fingernail

Day 4772 My human went outside today. And guess what? She got me dirty AGAIN! Almost every day is like this. Brown gooey mud gets caked etween me and my !riend" #inger. My human won$t even attem%t to dig it out! She$s thirteen! &hat kind o! thirteen year old still %lays outside in the mud? &hen she was a young kid" I actually en'oyed the tri%s to the sand o( and the mud %ie creations. I even en'oyed the nose %icking sessions" well" sometimes. I !elt like I was eing used !or good in those days. But now I know etter and enough is enough! I can see )hum over there. *e$s dirtier than me! I guess I shouldn$t e com%laining. I think I hear the mother o! my human telling her to wash her hands e!ore we eat dinner. )hank ya +esus! Day 4774 Something terri le ha%%ened today. I don$t know i! I can ring mysel! to say it" utI will. I witnessed the horri!ying eheading o! Inde(. *e 'ust sna%%ed o!!" like a %encil eing roken in hal! ,which I$ve seen a lot o!-. My human howled in %ain like she was the one eing hurt! #oolish girl! I$m sur%rised I haven$t een hurt ad in my long li!e. I$ve een chewed on countless times ut I$ve never een roken. .h no! &hat i! that$s going to ha%%en now that I said it? I$m going to try to stay as strong as I %ossi ly can. I will N.) e roken! Day 4785 )oday was the est day o! my li!e! My human received her !irst manicure! It$s this thing where you take a long ath and then get %ainted any color your human chooses. It was so soothing and rela(ing. I could see the 'oy on my rothers$ and sisters$ !aces. /inky looked more eauti!ul than ever. &e were all %ainted the same shade o! lime green. I would$ve %re!erred lavender or red ut I$m not com%laining. *o%e!ully" I stay this way !or the rest o! my li!e. Day 4786 &ell" I reali0ed today manicures don$t last very long" at least not on my human. My lime green %aint chi%%ed e!ore she even ate dinner! It doesn$t look like she$ll e getting another manicure anytime soon either. Day 4799 #or the %ast !ive minutes my human has een scratching her uttocks. Be!ore she %ut her hand down there" nothing was on me. But now all kind o! unimagina le things are covering me! )his is atrocious! I ho%e I get cleaned" unlike last time. I$m shuddering thinking o! those %ast memories. Day 4813 I am lying on the !loor. I have een eheaded 'ust like Inde( was. I don$t even know how it ha%%ened. *ow could this ha%%en to me? My human is walking %ast me. Now she$s looking at me. &hat is she going to do? She$s %icking me u%.

May e she wants to kee% me! .h nonoN.!!! She$s o%ening her mouth!! I think I have 'ust een eaten.