Why Wait for Sex? www.fastmgicspells.co.za It's just sex the subject of nearly every movie an primetime show!

! even magazine a s. What's so special about it? In a sex"saturate culture! waiting till marriage seems out ate an pru ish. #leasure is the name of the game. $ut that's not the whole story. In a ition to the ris% of contracting S&'s an (I'S or getting pregnant! premarital sex lea s to emotional istress! istrust! regret an emptiness. &hat's because sex connects two people in bo y an spirit) it's impossible to separate the two. If you're planning to give away your virginity! or are hurting from past sexual experiences! rea on for a ifferent view of sex.

When *in y met +ob! she %new that even though he atten e church! he i n't share her convictions about premarital sex. +ob thought it was ,-an even goo for ating couples to engage inan *in y believe it was wrong from a *hristian perspective. (s their frien ship progresse ! *in y an +ob's opposing viewpoints cause some hot ebates. It also force them both to ta%e a secon loo% at their convictions. (s a result! *in y evelope a eeper un erstan ing of truth! an +ob was force to face the lies he' always believe . If you're li%e *in y or +ob! an you've ta%en a stan for .or against/ premarital sex! but you're not sure why! here are some things to consi er.

Scripture is Outdated, Right?

0i%e many singles! +ob thin%s the Scriptures on sexual purity are out ate an archaic. 1&hose parts of the $ible aren't relevant to to ay!1 he tol *in y. 1(fter all! when the Scriptures were written! the people uring that time got marrie when they were teens) so they i n't have to struggle with sexual temptation li%e we o now.1 In response to +ob's argument! *in y foun Scriptures about sexual purity an showe them to him. When *in y rea 2 *orinthians 345! 6 *orinthians 26462! 7alatians 8425! 9ebrews 2:4; an 'euteronomy 6642:"6<! all which con emn sex before marriage! she as%e +ob! 1(re these Scriptures relevant to to ay?1 1=ope!1 +ob respon e . 1'o you have a pair of scissors?1 *in y as%e . 1Why? 1$ecause I thin% we shoul cut those Scriptures out. (fter all! if they're not true because people can't control their esires! why not completely eliminate them? (fter all! we can just pic% an choose the parts of Scripture that we want to believe on sexual purity! right? 7ive me your scissors!1 she sai . 1>ou're crazy!1 +ob respon e .

*razy or not! *in y ha ma e her pointthere are holes in +ob's it's"not"true"because"people"can't" control"their" esires theology. Why? $ecause! if his beliefs were base on truth! they woul stan up in every circumstance! but they on't. ?or example! if sex before marriage is o%ay because people suppose ly can't control themselves! then it must be o%ay to engage in pornography! too! right? (fter all! the temptation to watch an participate in porn aboun s li%e it i n't in $ible times. =ot surprisingly! when *in y as%e +ob if it was ,- to engage in pornography! his theology change . 1#ornography isn't o%ay because it's amaging to the people who are oing it! an it's not very *hristian.1 Why oes +ob have a schizophrenic view of purity an of the $ible's comman ments? ( itionally! if scriptures in the $ible became untrue because people can't control their esires! then we' also have to cut out the comman ments on stealing! lying! cheating an having affairs. Sure enough! there are holes in +ob's sex"before"marriage theology! just li%e there woul be holes in his $ible if *in y cut it up.

Doesn't Sex Produce Intimacy?

'uring their iscussions about premarital sex! +ob insiste that it was goo to engage in sex with a ating partner because 1it brings you closer.1 *in y believes that this is true! an not true. ,n one han ! the $ible says that sex causes 1two people to become one.1 &herefore! it's more than just a physical act! it's also a spiritual encounter .@ar% 2A43"5/. ( itionally! 'r. #atricia 0ove! the author of &he &ruth (bout 0ove! writes that a feeling of intimacy is create by a 1chemical coc%tail1 that is pro uce in the brain uring sex an stays with each person for up to 6; hours after intercourse. #erhaps this physiological bon ing is what +ob was referring to. ,n the flip si e! having sex is no guarantee that the eep emotional intimacy that everyone longs for will evelop. (lice ?ryling! in an article title ! Why Wait for Sex? writes4 17enital sex is an expression of intimacy! not the means to intimacy. &rue intimacy springs from verbal an emotional communion. &rue intimacy is built on a commitment to honesty! love an free om. &rue intimacy is not primarily a sexual encounter. Intimacy! in fact! has almost nothing to o with our sex organs. ( prostitute may expose her bo y! but her relationships are har ly intimate.1 Some experts even report that premarital sex short circuits the emotional bon ing process. 'onal Boy! a writer for *hristianity &o ay! site a stu y of 2AA!AAA women that lin%e 1early sexual experience with issatisfaction in their present marriages! unhappiness with the level of sexual

intimacy an the prevalence of low self"esteem.1 So what oes this mean? If +ob tries to convince *in y! or any woman! that sex will actually help their relationship! she might want to thin% again before consenting. While premarital sex oes pro uce a short"live chemical coc%tail in the brain! there is no guarantee that it will pro uce long" term emotional closeness or relational satisfaction.

Can't Sex Help You Determine Compati ility?

+ob tol *in y he felt it was unreasonable to expect him to abstain from sex before marriage because no one woul buy a car without test riving it) so he coul n't imagine committing to marriage without ta%ing a 1sex test rive.1 When *in y suggeste to +ob that his 1test rive1 mentality coul lea him to compare his wife's sexual performance with his other partners! he enie it. 1=o! I woul n't!1 he a amantly sai . 9owever! his logic is faulty. 9ere's why4 If it was true that +ob woul n't struggle with comparison! why woul he nee to 1test rive1 anything? (fter all! if he' never ha multiple partners! he woul automatically thin% his wife the best. ?or example! the man who hasn't ever seen or riven more than one car oesn't %now what other cars are li%e) therefore he woul be satisfie with his automobile. #artners can also feel threatene if they thin% their mate coul be comparing them with previous partners. When *in y ran omly as%e 2A women at wor% if they woul be worrie that their husban was comparing them if he' ha intercourse with multiple women before marriage! <A percent of them sai yes. &his provi es a strong argument to abstain from sex before marriage to protect the emotional safety that your spouse will nee to feel in marriage.

Hope and Restoration !"ter Premarital Sex

#erhaps you're as%ing! 1What if! li%e +ob! I'm guilty of sexual sin?1 &he first thing to remember is that no sexual sin is beyon 7o 's forgiveness. &han%fully! 9e oesn't withhol forgiveness or grace from those who as% for it. I Bohn 245 promises that if you confess your sins! that 9e is faithful to forgive an to cleanse you from all unrighteousness. =ote4 &his inclu es all sin! an oes not exclu e sexual sin. #salm 2A:4 26 also promises! 1(s far as the east is from the west! so far has 9e remove our transgressions CsinsD from us.1 In a ition to forgiveness! 7o wants you to embrace 9is grace that will help you move forwar in life an embrace the promises 9e has for you with joy. In spite of your choices! 7o wants to bring you relational fulfillment.

&eenagers who feel incomplete! ina eEuate an unappreciate are more li%ely to see% comfort in a sexual relationship. $ut those with a life rich in relationships! family tra itions! activities! interests an most of all consistent love an affirmation are less li%ely to embar% on a esperate search for fulfillment that coul lea to unwise sexual ecisions. &hose who have a healthy! pro uctive faith in 7o are more li%ely to have eeply roote reasons to respect an preserve the gift of sex an to respect rather than exploit others. $e aware of these specific ris% factors for teen sex4

!lcohol and drug use. (si e from reflecting problem attitu es .rebellion! poor self" concept! invulnerability/ that ma%e sex more li%ely! intoxication also clou s ju gment an wea%ens resistance to sexual overtures. ! steady oy"riend or girl"riend. Strong attachments an feelings of exclusivity invite nature to ta%e its course! especially when physical expressions of affection begin early in the relationship. &his is a particular ris% in a situation where the boy is more than two or three years ol er than the girl is. If a teen romance appears to be getting hot an heavy an a lot of physical contact is alrea y isplaye ! you will nee to spea% with both boy an girl iplomatically but can i ly about the physical process they are setting in motion. #ittle parental monitoring. 0eaving a olescents alone for hours at a time or not reEuiring accountability is a setup for sex. ! parental elie" that adolescent sex is appropriate. If you thin% premarital sex is o%ay! your a olescent will too an will act on that belief. ! parental elie" that adolescent sex is ine$ita le. @any parents who isapprove of teen sex have also conclu e that it is as certain as eath an taxes. &heir approach to the subject will thus be ouble"e ge 4 1'on't o it! but in case you o! use this con om.1 ( olescents will get the message lou an clear an are li%ely to act accor ingly. #o% grade&point a$erage'lo% attachment to school. While school performance is affecte by a variety of factors! a basic esire to o well in school reflects a more hopeful outloo% on the future an a willingness to put off imme iate gratification for long"term goals. &een sex! on the contrary! usually reflects ignorance of or little regar for conseEuences. &his oesn't mean! of course! that every scholar is a bulwar% of morality or that all who are not aca emically oriente are estine to be promiscuous. What ultimately matters is a person's commitment to basic values such as responsibility! respect for self an others an concern about the effect of to ay's ecisions on the future. ! history o" physical or sexual a use. &hese acts against chil ren an a olescents violate their bo ies! min s an hearts. Sexual abuse creates a grossly istorte view of sexual behavior! estroys boun aries! an rives a eep sense of worthlessness into the emotions. Whether the abuse occurre in the istant or recent past! a olescents with this history nee ongoing support! counseling an prayer to help them evelop healthy attitu es about sex an about themselves. (re)uent "amily relocations. @oving generally stresses both parents an a olescents .especially if the %i s resent the ecision/. &his can ero e parental authority an istract

parents from involvement with their chil ren. $on s to social supports such as church groups that help prevent sexual activity are severe by multiple moves. 0oneliness an loss of frien ships may lea some teenagers to use sexual activity to gain social acceptance. &hese issues shoul be consi ere by parents who are thin%ing about a possible relocation. Only one parent in the household. #arenting was meant to be a team effort! an some ris%s will naturally increase when one parent is left to o all the protecting an monitoring alone. Some stu ies o in icate that a olescents living with a single parent are more li%ely to become sexually active than those living with both parents. Wor% an househol eman s can prevent single parents from being as involve an attentive as they nee an want to be. (n the ivorce an esertion that sometimes lea to a one"parent home can ma%e teens uncertain about the value of marriage as the setting for sexual activity an about the role of sexuality in parental relationships.

&his increase ris% oes not mean that a olescent sex is inevitable in single"parent families. $ut it oes place an a itional responsibility on single parents to sen their teenagers clear an consistent messages about sexuality. (n it is one more reason for single parents to enlist as much support as they can.

#arents are big believers in waiting. 'o you remember any of these? 1Wait for your little brotherF1 as you ran off with your frien s. 1Wait a half hour before you get into the pool1 just as you finishe your lunch. 1Wait until your father gets homeF1 as mom caught you pummeling your sibling for being such a nuisance. ,f course! it's not really that they saw virtue in waiting itself. It's just that waiting ensure something more important loving your little brother! or protecting you from anger! or impressing on you the conseEuences of your actions. &here's one other %in of waiting that parents try to teach the patient waiting involve in elaye gratification. ?rom staying in school because of the better job we' some ay get! to wor%ing har at practice every ay! so we' be rea y for the competition that was wee%s or months away! to saving the money we earne mowing lawns or babysitting so we coul pay for college or buy an engagement ring .I can't tell you how many lawns are sitting on my wife's finger right nowF/! we learn to patiently wait in or er to maximize our gratification in the future. It's a goo lesson! as far as it goes. $ut it oesn't wor% for everything. Some things are best when one as soon as possible li%e eating an ice cream cone on a hot ay. (n other things can be elaye too long li%e the vacation of a lifetime that comes too late in life to be really enjoye . (n then there's sex. (t first! the argument to wait ma%es sense on the groun s of protecting yourself from something you're not emotionally or physically rea y for. 0ater! it ma%es sense on the groun s that it will be better if it happens in the context of a committe ! a ult relationship. $ut what about now? >ou're in your 6As or :As) your career is ta%ing off! an your bo y an emotions are about as evelope as

they're ever going to be. (n though you're not marrie ! your relationships with the opposite sex are mature an a ult"li%e in every other respect. So why %eep waiting? >ou're not a %i anymore. (n even if sex is marginally better insi e of marriage than outsi e! what if your prospects for marriage aren't that goo ? Isn't sub"optimal sex now better than no sex at all! ever? &hat's where we come to the limits of the 1wait! because it's better in marriage1 argument. (n it's one of the reasons why so many of the single men an women I counsel in the local church fin themselves in tears on my couch! telling me that after years of waiting! they just coul n't wait any longer.

*he +i lical Command

When we turn to what the $ible has to say about sex outsi e of marriage! it's not har to sum up the message. 'on't o it. ?rom the &en *omman ments in Gxo us to the laws of 0eviticus 2<! to the instructions of #aul in 2 *orinthians 3"H to the public embarrassment that attache to the Iirgin @ary! the $ible is clear that 7o 's stan ar is that sex is to be reserve for marriage! an marriage alone. (n unli%e much that you'll fin on the shelves of your local *hristian boo%store! the $ible oesn't spen much time trying to justify that stan ar . >ou won't fin a verse that says 1&hou shalt wait! because it's better in marriage.1 &here is no chapter in Scripture that touts the protection from physical isease an emotional heartache that comes from monogamy! although both of those things are true. Instea ! the $ible says things li%e! 1>ou must obey my laws an be careful to follow my ecrees. I am the 0,+' your 7o 1 .0ev. 2<4;/. ,r! 1'o you not %now that your bo y is a temple of the 9oly Spirit! who is in you! whom you have receive from 7o ? >ou are not your own) you were bought at a price. &herefore honor 7o with your bo y1 .2 *or. 3425"6A/. &he $ible teaches that we shoul reserve sexual intimacy for marriage for no other reason than that! if we are *hristians! we belong to 7o . Sex outsi e of marriage is not only a sin against ourselves an our partner! but a frau ulent misrepresentation of 7o an a cruel istortion of the intimacy he create to be a picture of the eternal intimacy of the &rinity itself.

! ,nion o" +odies, +ut So -uch -ore

What is the point of sexual intimacy? 7enesis 2 tells us that one of the points is procreation. We're to be fruitful an multiply an fill the earth with the image of 7o ! an it's through sexual intimacy that we o that. $ut right away it's obvious that there's more going on than mere repro uction. ?or one thing! though all living creatures are create to repro uce after their %in ! not all o so sexually. (n among those that o repro uce sexually! simple observation tells us that humans are uniEue in their experience of sex. @ating in the animal worl is clearly atten e with much urgency an instinctual rive! but not much more. Why are we ifferent?

,f course! as far as the worl is concerne ! only a ner y biologist! or a pru ish *hristian woul bother to as% such a Euestion. &o the worl ! the point of sex is pleasure! release! orgasm. What other point woul anyone nee ? Sex results in pleasure. I want pleasure! so I have sex. I want more pleasure! I have more sex. I suppose it's a given that men in our culture ten to buy into this view even marrie men) even *hristian marrie men. What seems to be new in the last generation is the increasing extent to which women are viewing sex this way as well. Ironically! though the first view is historically associate with *hristianity! an the secon view is associate with the worl ! both miss the main point of sexual intimacy! because both re uce sex to an instrument! a means to another en . (n whenever something is re uce to a tool! a utilitarian process! it ceases to be an object of beauty in an of itself! an is only as goo as what it gets you. Why is our experience of sex so ifferent than the rest of creation? Why i 7o pronounce it very goo ? Simply put! because the point of sexual intimacy is neither the chil ren nor the pleasure it pro uces! but the union of persons that it represents an is itself a part of.

! ,nions that Displays ... ! -arriage

Sexual intimacy is all about union. #hysically! of course! that's obvious. $ut there's so much more. In sexual intimacy! we also %now a union that is emotional! as our hearts are %nit together even as our bo ies are. We %now a union that is intellectual! as we come to un erstan an %now one another in intimate etail. We %now a union that is even spiritual! for as every marrie couple figures out! the best sex isn't when I ma%e sure I get what I want! but when I forget about myself! an give myself for the blessing an elight of my spouse. (n at that moment! we are very close to the heart of *hrist! 1who love the church an gave himself up for her1 .Gph 8468/. $ut there's more. &his union of sexual intimacy! complete in itself! is also a sign an symbol of an even more profoun union of lives in the covenant marriage! when a man leaves his father an mother! an is unite to his wife! an the two become one flesh. $eing 1one flesh1 with someone can refer in a secon ary way to sex! but primarily it's just a 9ebrew way of saying one family! flesh an bloo . &he union of marriage is not an alliance of families! with each partner representing a previous set of priorities an loyalties. =o! an this was an remains Euite ra ical! marriage is a union that issolves the ol bon s! the ol loyalties! the ol priorities! an creates one new family! with all that entails one new set of priorities! one new set of fun amental loyalties. 'o you see the picture so far? &he beauty of sex is that it is a profoun union that stan s as a sign an symbol of an even more profoun union of lives in the covenant of marriage. &his of course is why sex outsi e of marriage is ultimately unsatisfying an estructive. Without the union of marriage! the union of bo ies is a paro y an moc%ery of itself. $ereft of it's proper point an context! sexual intimacy outsi e of marriage oes not bring us into the lover's embrace! but merely exposes us to the stranger's stare! an re uces us to the means of someone else's pleasure. $ut there's even more to this union that ma%es sexual intimacy as 7o esigne it so beautiful. I mentione that many men ten to view sex as a means to the en of their pleasure. If that is the

typical failure of men! then I thin% many women ten to view intimacy! broa ly consi ere ! as an en in itself. $ut women! that view is just as much i olatry as the man's worship of pleasure. &here is no create thing! inclu ing the intimacy of marriage! that exists for its own sa%e. &he amazing thing that #aul reveals in Gphesians 8 is that the union between a husban an wife is ultimately beautiful because it too stan s as a sign! a picture of something else. (n that is the union between *hrist an the church.

! ,nion that Displays ... the /ospel

&he ultimate point of marriage isn't your emotional satisfaction! but to ma%e visible the gospel reality of *hrist's love for the church an the church's love for *hrist. &he absolutely amazing truth of the gospel is that we who were separate an alienate from 7o have been unite by faith to the Son he loves in the =ew *ovenant of his grace. &he marriage covenant illustrates the =ew *ovenant) the marriage union points to that even more profoun union between *hrist an the church. What oes this have to o with the beauty of sexual intimacy an the single who is still waiting to experience it? >ou can thin% of this li%e matryoshka! or neste +ussian olls! in which each oll's shape is etermine by the shape of the next oll hi en insi e. &he intimacy of sexual union! as esirable as that is! is also picture of the marriage union! which in turn is a picture of our union with *hrist. (s profoun ly intimate the experience of sexual union is! at it's best! it is just a hint! a small taste of the joy an satisfaction an perfect intimacy we will %now with Besus! when we are unite to 9im as his $ri e. &hat union won't be sexual! but there is no other union 7o 's given us that spea%s more truly of the intimate love we'll %now in *hrist. &o rip one of these unions out of it's connection with the others is to estroy not only it's goo ness an meaning! but to istort the pattern that it was esigne to isplay.

! ,nion that Displays ... /od

&here is one more connection to raw! one more union to thin% about. ?or as profoun as our union with *hrist is! that union is not the ultimate an final union in the universe. 9ave you ever won ere why we are unite to *hrist? It's %in of an o image! when you thin% about it. Besus himself gives us the answer. In Bohn 2;"2H! Besus repeate ly tol his isciples to abi e in him! to remain in him! for in that union they ha life. (n then! in his high priestly prayer in Bohn 2H! he says the most remar%able thing4 1?ather! just as you are in me an I am in you! may they also be in us so that the worl may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me! that they may be one as we are one4 I in them an you in me. @ay they be brought to complete unity to let the worl %now that you sent me an have love them even as you have love me.1

&here is more there than we can possibly unpac%! but at least this much is clear. &he union we have with *hrist in the gospel! an the transformation that union effects! is meant to be a visible sign! a proof! of the prior eternal union of *hrist an the ?ather in the &rinity. So that when the worl loo%e at those unite to *hrist! they coul not help but see that *hrist himself is one with the ?ather. What is the point of our union with *hrist? It is the glory of 7o . (s Besus conclu es his prayer! 1I have ma e you %nown to them ... that the love you have for me may be in them an that I myself may be in them.1 In our union with *hrist we are mysteriously ma e signs an symbols of the Son's union with the ?ather. What's more! through that union we participate in an are ta%en up into the eternal love of the ?ather for the Son an the Son for the ?ather. 9ere we have finally come to the mystery of union! the core that efines every other union in the universe! inclu ing the union of sex. &hat's right! you rea that correctly. Sex is a foretaste! a hint of what it will mean for us to participate in the eternal union of love that exists at the very heart of the &rinity. &he beauty of intimacy is that it is a taste of the glory of 7o . Isn't 7o goo that he woul ma%e something so enjoyable at the same time so noble? Isn't he goo that he woul ma%e something so full of pleasure so goo an pure. Isn't he gracious that he woul ma%e us in such a way that elighting in our spouse lea s us to fin our ultimate elight in him? What oes this mean for you if you're single? It means that the problem with sex outsi e of marriage isn't finally that you're brea%ing an arbitrary rule! or that it is emotionally estructive! or that it is more li%ely to expose you to an S&'. =o! the problem is that sex outsi e of marriage is a frau an a fa%e. It preten s to be true intimacy! but is nothing more than exposure. It uses the language of love an commitment! but %nows nothing of either. (n by suggesting that true pleasure an intimacy can be ha without loving! covenantal commitment! it perpetrates a massive assault against the very character an glory of 7o ! whose eternal! intimate! loving relationship within the &rinity is the blueprint an pattern for every intimate pleasure that you or I will ever %now. What if you gave up waiting? Some things can't be un one in this life. $ut for those who repent of their sin an trust in the grace of 7o hel out through cross of Besus *hrist! all things may be forgiven. If you're still waiting .or waiting again/ for marriage to have sex! %eep waiting. $ecause it's not about waiting. It's about isplaying the glory of 7o an his gospel in your life.

&he first time I rea the Song of Songs in the $ible I thought! =o. Way. I imme iately grabbe a frien 's $ible to see if his feature the same boo%. 1'u e! have you rea this?F &his is unbelievableF1 1What? What is it?1 1*lusters! manF &hey're tal%ing about climbing palm trees an ta%ing hol of clustersF I= &9G $I$0GF It's right hereF1 I was a teen *hristian with active hormones an my gran mother's prayers

were finally being answere because I su 9allelujahF

enly evelope an intense hunger for the Wor .

,ver time! of course! I realize that the relationship escribe in Solomon's Song! inclu ing those face"blushing palm tree an cluster verses! occurre within a specific context. In the mi st of beautiful! poetic language about the stages of a relationship that start with a glance an eventually lea to the honeymoon! the author charges us three times! 1'o not arouse or awa%en love until it pleases!1 or! as paraphrase by Gugene #eterson in &he @essage! 1'on't excite love! on't stir it up! until the time is ripe an you're rea y.1 I often point to this boo% when people! usually young singles! as% me about relationships an pre" marital sex. &hey want to %now! where! exactly! oes the $ible tal% about pre" or extra"marital sex! when neither partner is marrie . &hey %now about the a ultery prohibitions! an they agree you shoul n't have sex with someone who is someone else's spouse. $ut where oes it tal% about not having sex if there is no spouse involve ? >ou have two consenting a ults! an neither has ma e any vow to any other person! so it's not technically a ultery. What's wrong with that? 'oes the $ible spea% to those situations? I li%e to start with Solomon's Song! because it celebrates the whole pac%age of the relationship initial attraction! exciting emotions! longing! an sexual intimacy an it connects all of this to the proper context or timing! when 1it pleases!1 a timing that is mar%e by public approval of the relationship! highlighte by a we ing .chapter :/. The whole relationship, including the celebration of the sexual aspects, takes place within the context of community approval no, more than approval rejoicing. I as% these young! unmarrie singles! oes the community your frien s! family! church celebrate your private! sexual liaisons? When it appears that a pregnancy might result! is there rejoicing? =o! of course not. Why not? &he timing is wrong. &he context is wrong. ( private affair is being force out into the public an is clou e by shame. >ou've 1arouse love before its time.1 &here will be pain! isappointment an sa ness. *ompare that to the tone of Solomon's Song. &he couples' sexual life in the Song of Solomon ta%es place within the context of a lifelong commitment of marriage! an the community rejoices. It will pro uce gran babies! nieces! nephews! more members of the little platoon of the family. &he couples' sex life is ultimately a social benefit. &hat! I say to my young single frien s! is a picture of sex in the proper context. -eep in min ! I say! that in biblical times there just wasn't a whole lot of sex ta%ing place before marriage! since people marrie at such young ages! an there just wasn't much time between reaching the age of sexual maturity an marriage. @ost of the sex ta%ing place was after marriage! either with your spouse! which was goo ! or not with your spouse! which was prohibite ! an that's why there's more tal% about a ultery than pre"marital sex. We wrestle with this issue more now because the time span between reaching the age of sexual maturity an marriage has bumpe up a eca e or two since biblical times. I also a that we probably woul n't even be having this conversation were it not for birth control! especially the 1pill!1 an if abortions were not so easy to obtain. Without birth control an abortion! sex woul mean a greater li%elihoo of raising babies! an raising babies woul mean commitment!

an commitment woul mean marriage. &hat's life in biblical times! so the Euestion itself i n't get much iscussion in a worl where sex an babies went together much more than they o in our time. &hen I mention 9ebrews 2:4;! where the author istinguishes two types of sex that are prohibite . &he first! moichos! refers to a marrie person having sex with someone other than his or her spouse an is generally translate adultery. &he secon ! porneia! in this case refers to any other unmarrie sex! usually translate fornication or sexual immorality. (nything else? &hey say. 9ow about Gphesians 842":! where we are instructe to have not even a hint of sexual immorality .porneia/! or any %in of impurity in or lives. 'o you thin% pre"marital sex might be at least a hint of sexual immorality? I as%. @aybe! they say. What else o you have? Well! I say! there is 2 *orinthians 3426"6A! which! among other things! tells us to flee sexual immorality .porneia/ because the bo y is the temple of the 9oly Spirit! an we are to honor 7o with our bo y. What else? &hey say. Well! I say! 2 &hessalonians ;4:"8 says to avoi sexual immorality .porneia/ an learn to control your own bo y in a way that is holy an honorable to the 0or ! not in passionate lust! li%e the heathen! who o not %now 7o . Sure! but what else? &hey say. What you really want! I say! is a Scripture that goes something li%e! if Jack and Jill are not married to anyone nor to each other, and not engaged to anyone nor to each other, and have sex with each other, that's wrong, and that they should either stop having sex or get married. Jm! they say! that's in the $ible? Well! that's my paraphrase! I say. &hen I point them to Gxo us 66423"2H! a very interesting 1case law1 scripture in the ,l &estament. $y 1case law!1 I mean one of those 1If ... then ...1 comman s that provi es some un erlying principles applicable beyon the example use . ?or instance! when Scripture says in Gxo us 6:4;! 1if you come across your enemy's ox or on%ey wan ering off! then ta%e it bac% to him!1 the application exten s beyon oxen an on%eys! to ogs! chil ren! bicycles! cre it car s! etc. Gxo us 66423"2H gives instruction on what to o if an unmarrie ! unengage man has consensual sex with an unmarrie ! unengage woman4 1If a man se uces .implies consent/ a virgin .or a woman of marriageable age/ who is not ple ge to be marrie ! an sleeps with her! he must pay the bride-price or marriage present! and she shall be his wife"# @ost scholars believe the same prohibition is foun in 'euteronomy 6646<"65! 1If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not ple ge to be marrie an he seizes her an lies with her! an they are iscovere ... he must marry the girl....1 @ost scholars believe that 1rape1 is not being a resse here! but consensual pre"

marital sex .albeit the man's strong initiation/! especially given the phrase 1an they are iscovere .1 &hese might be the clearest isapproval of sex for singles in Scripture. &he message coul n't be more obvious4 Whether you're engage or not! on't have sex outsi e of marriage. #erio . If you're unmarrie an having sex! legitimize it an get marrie to the person with whom you are having sex get the piece of paper an go public. It's your choice! I say. $ublic or private" %ong of %olomon or hiding in the shadows" &od's way or your way. &hese singles often come to me hoping to fin a loophole! an a few leave frustrate an isappointe . Some! though! leave with strengthene resolve! an for the first time have a vision of love an sex in the right context a vision of poetry an celebration. I pray for the isappointe ones! for them to embrace 7o 's vision for their sex lives. I rejoice over the ones with new vision! because I %now they will soon iscover what really goo sex is all about.

9alf way through the #$S special on Bapanese gar ens! my roommate eci e she nee e a bonsai. I silently recalle the catastrophic en s that ha befallen her (frican violet! her salaman er! an the stray cat we foun outsi e the orm. =evertheless! we spent the next afternoon perusing shelves of tiny! well"groome trees at the street fair. ,-! they aren't actually trees K as the el erly Bapanese ven or explaine . &hey're common types of vegetation %ept small through constant! extensive pruning. 'elighte by my frien 's interest in his merchan ise! the ven or share his secrets for bonsai maintenance. 'epot plant often" (ire branch to shape bonsai" Then pinch off new growth" (n that was just the start. (n hour later! he' convince me that bonsais aren't your basic houseplant. &hey're an artform. (las! my roommate was no artist. (s exams an activities vie for her time! the tree eteriorate into a scraggly brown shrub. 7uilt finally rove her bac% to the street ven or. Was there anything she coul o to restore it to its original glory? (s the man examine the sic%ly plant! he ma e no effort to mas% his isgust. 9is bitter rebu%e tumble out li%e a bro%en hai%u4 THAT )s not bonsai *nymore" >ou can un erstan his frustration. (fter all! he' sol my frien a han some! perfect plant. 9e' provi e explicit instructions for care. $ut she' neglecte it. She' let it become something it was never inten e to be. Sexuality is a lot li%e the bonsai. 7o 's instructions are clear K enjoy it in marriage. $ut sexual

purity is just one element of a much larger irective4 Strive to live a holy life. I thin% the concept of holiness confuses us! though. It evo%es images of @other &eresa or some long" ea saint. We envision an unattainable level of perfection. Some of us grew up believing that holiness just meant remaining abstinent until marriage. $y simply avoi ing intercourse .even if we i everything else we coul thin% of/! we' circumvent the flames of hell. $ut these common notions lac% a %ey element4 love. 7o i n't impart rules about sex to control or manipulate us. &hey were borne out of his passion for us. 9e %new we woul crave intimate connection with others. &hat's why he create the gift of sex. 9e presente it fresh an vibrant an beautiful. 9e esperately wants us to us to %eep it that way. We can waste time resenting 7o 's rules! or we can get out our clippers. $ecause maintaining a holy life reEuires a goo eal of pruning. Starting in the 2Hth century! Bapan bonsai %eepers began to re efine their art by minimizing. &hey set out to remove everything but what was essential to the health an beauty of the plant. We cultivate holiness in a similar fashion. &he $ible urges us to ma%e ourselves pure from everything that pollutes our bo ies or spirits .II *orinthians H42/. 9ere are some suggestions for oing that4

+e modest. What's your first thought when you see a young woman strutting own the street in high heels! short s%irt an tight crop top? 0i%e it or not! our appearance sen s off vibes to people about who we are an what we believe. If you're attempting to live a holy life! ma%e sure your appearance isn't suggesting otherwise an inviting trouble. -aintain a pure rain. 0iving a holy life is more than refraining from sex outsi e of marriage. Single an marrie people o well to avoi sex"charge music! &I! movies an magazines K anything that objectifies people rather than affor ing human beings the respect an ignity they eserve. Date li0e&minded people. Sure! he's cute an funny an smart K but oes he share your goal of holiness? $eing on the same page with a boy or girlfrien about sexual purity oesn't guarantee you'll always o the right thing. $ut with similar stan ar s! you can wor% as a team to ma%e wise choices. 1eep a clear head. 'rugs! alcohol! or any other min "altering substance will only brea% own your resistance in an alrea y"compromising situation. We exponentially increase our chances of oing something we'll regret when we're not clean an sober. $e awa%e an alert so that your ecisions will be your own. *ell yoursel" the truth. >ou %now your wea%nesses! the things that tempt you most! the con itions that put you at greatest ris% for ma%ing a ba ecision. Whether or not it seems silly to someone else! o whatever it ta%es to avoi putting yourself in those situations. Stay in touch %ith /od. When our conscience jabs at us for oing something we %now isn't best! the last thing we want to rea ! hear or tal% about is 7o . We have to remember that he's not the enemy. 9e's the bonsai master. 9e's the one that gave us the gift of sex! an he %nows the best way to use it.

One #oo0?
*oul have been a loo%! coul have been a come"hither smile! coul have been esperation! but before I %new it! he an his frien were spen ing the night in the orm room with my roommate an me. =othing happene . &hat night. I' been living the frat party lifestyle for nearly a year. 7rowing up in a strict! but genuinely *hristian home! I %new better! but chose worse. In hin sight! the ays run together from my freshman year through the first semester of my secon year of college. @y roommate's rin%ing often rewar e her with men. @ine usually rewar e me with nausea an lou ! obnoxious! regretful behavior. $ut the night I met (n rew was magical. 9e was a football player! an it seeme my girlish! romantic reams were coming true. &he relationship move at brea%nec% spee . In the first wee%! we excee e the physical boun aries I' set while ating my last boyfrien . In six wee%s! I' given away almost every physical experience possible between a guy an girl. It was fun an pleasurable! but I' expecte to wait an enjoy these feelings with my husban .

(ire%or0s?
(n rew seeme to love every cell of my bo y! an for the first time in my life! I passe mirrors an smile . Sexy was a new feeling for me. *ute! yes. #retty! even! at times. $ut sexy! rarelyLif ever. @aybe that was why I gave so much of myself to him. ,r maybe it was because I felt he eserve what I gave. We spent most of our time with four other couples. We were the only pair not sleeping together! albeit only technically. ,n Satur ay nights! everyone woul hea off to be together except (n rew an me. I coul sense his frustration. In passionate moments! he' whisper! 1*ome on! baby. I love you.1 I foun that har to believe since we' been ating only a few wee%s) but in those moments! it was har to hol bac% an remember that I meant to give my virginity only to my future husban . &he con om that often lay besi e the be a e its own egree of pressure.

Sex 2ducation
It wasn't until college that I met girls who' actually ha sex. Jntil I was 23! I i n't even %now that there was anything between %issing an sex. -eeping my virginity until marriage was the only option. It was what my parents taught! my preacher preache an my chil hoo frien s believe . @y freshman year! however! I was intro uce to new terms by girls who were apparently experts in the fiel . 7raphic escriptions of sexual acts an anatomical parts foun their way into conversations. I thought it was goo to be e ucate . (n rew was e ucate in a very ifferent way. 9e was not a virgin! an though he starte the

relationship claiming that he i n't want to 1ta%e1 my virginity! as the wee%s progresse ! his claims change . Soon he began telling me! 1If you want to give it to me! I woul love you for it.1 (s =ovember approache ! I eci e on (n rew's *hristmas present. I woul give him my precious gift of virginity. 0ittle i I %now a frien was praying for me. 7o was about to throw a %in% into my plan.

! Di""erent Plan "or -e

'arla came into my room @on ay morning as I frantically searche for my chemistry homewor%. 1Wanna go to worship tonight?1 she as%e hopefully. I' gone my entire freshman year. Gven as I began to rin% an party! I still trie to %eep pieces of my ol life! serving an loving Besus. =ow the pain of living a lie was too intense. (n rew i n't %now or love 7o ! an our relationship was certainly not pleasing 7o . I was tire of playing games. I ha tra e worship for physical pleasure. 1JmmLnot sure. I may have plans!1 I lie . (n rew ha a football gathering with his bu ha almost no homewor%. 1If you change your min ! let me %now!1 'arla sai . With a Euic% 1Sure!1 I ashe out the oor. Something ma e me change my min . @y roommate! who' been living a similar lifestyle! felt compelle to go that night! too. (s the service rew to a close! my roommate leane over! an with conviction in her voice sai ! 1Something's got to change.1 I %new she was right! but the weight of giving up the life I' come to enjoy was a heavy loa . She hung aroun after the service to tal% to the pastor. &ears of repentance an regret ran own her face. I sat 2A yar s away! stoically consi ering my options. #art of me felt full. I thought I love (n rew. I thought he was won erful. >et there was a eep part of me that was empty an aching. &he pastor wal%e over to me after tal%ing to my roommate. 1(re you oing o%?1 he as%e . Such a simple Euestion. Such a loa e answer. 1I'm fine!1 I trie to lie. 9e stoo there. 1,%! I'm not!1 I confesse . 1&here's something missing. I feel li%e my life is worthless. I have everything to live for. I shoul be happy.1 1'i you give away 7o for all this happiness?1 he as%e . (n that was the issue. I' tra e the complete contentment an fulfillment I' ha in my relationship with 7o for the temporary pleasure of a relationship with (n rew. (n 7o was immeasurably better to me an for me than (n rew ha been. ies! an I

I %new at that moment that the hollowness in my soul was an aching nee for 7o . &hat night! instea of feeling guilty an irty before a holy 7o ! I felt whole an forgiven. (ll along 9e ha been waiting for me to fin happiness in 9im! rather than wasting my ays run% an unfulfille . (t the same time I realize I was forgiven! I felt the extreme nee for my life to change ramatically.

*rading -y /uy "or -y /od

&he next morning I s%ippe class. (s I bro%e up with (n rew! I Euote a verse from the =ew &estament. It wasn't a pious way of telling him off) it was the most truthful way to explain why I coul no longer be with him. @atthew 346; says! 1=o one can serve two masters. Gither he will hate the one an love the other! or he will be evote to the one an espise the other.1 &he wor s go on to tal% about choosing between serving 7o an money! but for me the principle applie to trying to serve both 7o an (n rew. (si e from the issue of whom I was really serving! I %new (n rew woul not be willing to bac% away from our physical relationship an if I were honest with myself! I i n't thin% that I woul be able to either. @y life rastically change . I istance myself from alcohol! my party"lifestyle frien s an especially (n rew! an trie esperately to buil an intimate relationship with 7o . I spent hours rea ing the $ible! praying an listening to uplifting music. It wasn't an effort to become a better person) it was an insatiable hunger insi e me to change. I felt fulfille ! free! love L but I still felt so guilty. I' awa%ene esires insi e myself that were only to be awa%ene in the context of marriage! where sex satisfies an even enhances a relationship. I' ha some of that connection with (n rew! an now that he was gone! I face temptations an longings that seeme more than I coul han le. So! I too% some practical measures to %eep myself from running bac% to (n rew for satisfaction or turning elsewhere. @ainstream music went out the oor. I began to realize that much of what was on the ra io an my *'s was causing me to well on my past life. &he music either promote pleasure or create feelings of epression. I iscovere that listening to music with lyrics about loving 7o cause a ifferent chain reaction! leaving me feeling worthy! love an celebratory. ,ther times! I face simply missing (n rew his laugh! his arms! conversation an connection. (t those times! I' pray for him! as%ing 7o to offer him the same fulfillment that I was now experiencing through my life in *hrist. ( new solemnity replace my partying! crazy lifestyle of pleasure. ?rom the outsi e! it might have appeare boring. ,n the insi e! I glowe .

! Harsh Reali3ation
*onversations with (n rew were rare! but on one occasion! he calle me. Several months ha passe since our brea%up! but he just wante to tal%. 'uring the conversation! he reveale that he i n't consi er me a virgin. &hough I' given a lot away! I was still clinging to this Eualification.

&hough minor! it gave me the feeling that I' still %ept the one thing that I meant to give to my husban . We hung up that night! an I sobbe heavy! painful tears. I as%e 7o to forgive me! an %new that 9e alrea y ha . 9owever! in my turmoil! 7o chose to fill me with a peace an love I ha never experience . I felt whole an clean. Su enly the term 1virgin1 meant so much less to me than being forgiven by 7o . &he technicalities isappeare in the light of 7o 's love an mercy.

45irginity4
&o this ay! in eep conversation! it comes out that I've ha a very physical past. I on't claim physical virginity. 9owever! I honestly on't see that as the biggest issue anymore. I'm clean in 7o 's eyes. 9e has offere me a life that beats any physical relationship I coul have. I'm not living for the moment anymore. I'm focuse on the future! a future that inclu es 7o L an maybe a husban . I'm a ifferent person. I %now esire4 true esire that comes in %nowing an feeling 7o . (n nothing no relationship! no sexual act! no person can match that.

Sex is a basic human nee . Gvery person has the esire to enjoy a physical relationship with someone they care about. (n in the context of marriage! those moments of intimacy can bring pure joy an pleasure to your life. $ut when it's use in the wrong way! sex can cause guilt! anxiety! epression! isease an low self" esteem. 9ow o you ma%e the right ecision about when an with whom you shoul have sex?

-a0e a commitment. If you've ma e a wise ecision about what's best for your life! you won't be as li%ely to give in to your esires. @a%e a promise to yourself that you won't engage in sexual activity until you're marrie . &he best way to ma%e sure you stic% to your wor is to share your promise with a pastor or parent. ( tangible remin er! such as a ring or nec%lace! may also help you to remember your commitment. #lus! jewelry can be a great way to bring the topic up with your boyfrien or girlfrien 4 it's best if the person you're ating %nows exactly where you stan so he or she can support you in your ecision. .(n if heMshe oesn't! that's a goo in ication you haven't foun 1right one.1/ 1eep your rain in control. Gven though your bo y may sen other messages! remember having sex even one time can negatively affect your life forever. &he only 2AAN Osafe sexP is no sex at all. &hough some forms of birth control may protect you from sexually transmitte iseases! 9II infection an pregnancy! they're not without failure. (n there's no such thing as a con om for your heart. &he best way to enjoy a sexual relationship is insi e marriage! where you %now the person you're intimate with is healthy an where a pregnancy woul mean a baby born with two loving parents. 1eep yoursel" out o" irresisti le situations. $e prepare to say Ono!P but stay out of

settings that might reEuire it. If you're involve in a close relationship! avoi situations where sex will be a temptation. Gven if your companion is just a frien ! if it's someone of the opposite sex! protect yourself from oing something you'll regret. Spen time together in public! an in groups. -eep other frien s aroun to hol you accountable. &hat way you'll %now that even if you have a moment of wea%ness! you won't have sex. Ha$e a plan. Gven the most careful couples fin themselves in compromising circumstances. When things start to get hot an heavy! %now where an how to put on the bra%es. #lan what you will say an o to %eep your commitment to purity. Say something li%e! OI really o care about you! but I on't want to have sex until I'm marrie .P $e as clear an as firm as possible. &hen leave the situation Euic%ly. It's ne$er too late to start o$er. Gven if you've ha sex before! you can still set new! better boun aries to get your sex life on the right trac%. 0et your significant other %now that you care too much about yourself an him or her to let sex un ermine the future of your relationship. ?ocus on other ways of getting to %now each other! such as common interests or new pastimes you can share. >our relationship will be eeper an more meaningful because you'll %now each other's hearts. &here will be plenty of time after the we ing to get to %now one another's bo ies.

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