A SUPPLEMENT TO THE JEWISH STANDARD, JEWISH COMMUNITY NEWS, AND ROCKLAND JEWISH STANDARD WINTER 2014

Being an entrepreneur means the

ability to evolve. SPACE has gone
through many growing pains
About Elvira Grau
Creator and Founder of SPACE
Elvira Grau is a Russian immigrant who built her
business from scratch in Englewood, NJ. A happily
married wife and a mom proves that women
really can have it all and is a frm believer that
hard work can lead to the American Dream. She
founded SPACE in 2005 when she discovered an
empty, 26,000 sq. ft. warehouse and envisioned a
one-of-a-kind, entertainment event SPACE!
Given the current economic climate,
what has been your strategy for
building awareness of SPACE for short-
term & long-term growth:
EG: Reputation is everything! Youre only as good
as your last party. I tell all my staff, there are no
second chances, and we only have one time to
get it right. Its like a Broadway play- the curtain
opens and were live. As long as wecontinue to
give our clients everything they want and more,
we will do well. Happy clients refer business, and
whether the economy is up or down, people still
need to celebrate milestones in life. I also work
with clients on their own budgets.
Q & A with Elvira Grau, the Creator of SPACE!
Please share with us what inspired you to create SPACE?
EG: As a mother frst and foremost, it was initially for my own personal need and my desire to create a safe, clean and climate
controlled environment for my own children. Having 4 kids who ranged, at the time, from 4-12 years old, I wanted to design an
entertainment space flled with a diverse array of games and attractions that appeal to all age groups. SPACE combines the best
aspects of a catering hall, a nightclub, and a gaming arcade; its conducive for both kids and adults. Weve created endless fun for kids
and an elegant venue for adults.
Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.
What is your proudest achievement as an accomplished entrepreneur?
EG: Repeat business! Im now hosting parties for the siblings, friends, and other family members of my current clients. I love when
families come back to me for parties for their second and third child after a birthday, bar/bat mitzvah or sweet sixteen. Its the biggest
form of a compliment to me.They trust me, and thats priceless!
What is your advice for someone interested in entrepreneurship?
EG: Never give up! If you have tenacity, perseverance, a true desire to succeed and passion for what you do, you will go far. I was told
many times to give up when I frst started. People said my idea wouldnt work. I didnt listen and I didnt give up, it works.
I operate with pure intentions and high integrity. I wake up every day and ask myself, what can I do today to make
my business better? What more can I do? As an entrepreneur, its always about whats next. You have to be on top
of your game.
- Elvira Grau
CELEBRATING OUR 8TH YEAR ANNIVERSARY
THE HOTTEST ENTERTAINMENT SPACE 26,000 SQ FT OF PURE EXCITEMENT!
VISION - SPACE IS TRULY A ONE - STOP SHOP
Dear Elvira,
There are a few events in life that take a year+ to plan and are so special and meaningful in our lives. Last Saturday was that day for us. We
went to many places looking for the best place to have our daughter Jessicas Bat Mitzvah. After visiting many places we came to meet you
and see your SPACE. We were immediately overwhelmed with the welcoming and confdence of you and your staff. Diana and your staff
made it so easy for us. You helped and guided us from day 1. You and Diana out did yourselves. From the moment we walked in we had
tears of joy.The place was beautiful and the designs were outstanding. The food was extremely tasty and elegantly presented. DJ Charlie was
unbelievable. He and his crew had everybody out on the foor. The place was flled with electricity!! On behalf of my wife, Jodi and myself
and our Bat Mitzvah daughter Jessica - we would like to thank you and all of your staff from the bottom of our hearts!
- The Leichter Family
201-567-3810 491 South Dean Street Englewood, NJ 07631
www.spaceodysseyusa.com
V I S I ON- SPACE IS TRULY A ONE - STOP SHOP
Being an entrepreneur means the
ability to evolve. SPACE has gone
through many growing pains
About Elvira Grau
Creator and Founder of SPACE
Elvira Grau is a Russian immigrant who built her
business from scratch in Englewood, NJ. A happily
married wife and a mom proves that women
really can have it all and is a frm believer that
hard work can lead to the American Dream. She
founded SPACE in 2005 when she discovered an
empty, 26,000 sq. ft. warehouse and envisioned a
one-of-a-kind, entertainment event SPACE!
Given the current economic climate,
what has been your strategy for
building awareness of SPACE for short-
term & long-term growth:
EG: Reputation is everything! Youre only as good
as your last party. I tell all my staff, there are no
second chances, and we only have one time to
get it right. Its like a Broadway play- the curtain
opens and were live. As long as wecontinue to
give our clients everything they want and more,
we will do well. Happy clients refer business, and
whether the economy is up or down, people still
need to celebrate milestones in life. I also work
with clients on their own budgets.
Q & A with Elvira Grau, the Creator of SPACE!
Please share with us what inspired you to create SPACE?
EG: As a mother frst and foremost, it was initially for my own personal need and my desire to create a safe, clean and climate
controlled environment for my own children. Having 4 kids who ranged, at the time, from 4-12 years old, I wanted to design an
entertainment space flled with a diverse array of games and attractions that appeal to all age groups. SPACE combines the best
aspects of a catering hall, a nightclub, and a gaming arcade; its conducive for both kids and adults. Weve created endless fun for kids
and an elegant venue for adults.
Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.
What is your proudest achievement as an accomplished entrepreneur?
EG: Repeat business! Im now hosting parties for the siblings, friends, and other family members of my current clients. I love when
families come back to me for parties for their second and third child after a birthday, bar/bat mitzvah or sweet sixteen. Its the biggest
form of a compliment to me.They trust me, and thats priceless!
What is your advice for someone interested in entrepreneurship?
EG: Never give up! If you have tenacity, perseverance, a true desire to succeed and passion for what you do, you will go far. I was told
many times to give up when I frst started. People said my idea wouldnt work. I didnt listen and I didnt give up, it works.
I operate with pure intentions and high integrity. I wake up every day and ask myself, what can I do today to make
my business better? What more can I do? As an entrepreneur, its always about whats next. You have to be on top
of your game.
- Elvira Grau
CELEBRATING OUR 8TH YEAR ANNIVERSARY
THE HOTTEST ENTERTAINMENT SPACE 26,000 SQ FT OF PURE EXCITEMENT!
VISION - SPACE IS TRULY A ONE - STOP SHOP
Dear Elvira,
There are a few events in life that take a year+ to plan and are so special and meaningful in our lives. Last Saturday was that day for us. We
went to many places looking for the best place to have our daughter Jessicas Bat Mitzvah. After visiting many places we came to meet you
and see your SPACE. We were immediately overwhelmed with the welcoming and confdence of you and your staff. Diana and your staff
made it so easy for us. You helped and guided us from day 1. You and Diana out did yourselves. From the moment we walked in we had
tears of joy.The place was beautiful and the designs were outstanding. The food was extremely tasty and elegantly presented. DJ Charlie was
unbelievable. He and his crew had everybody out on the foor. The place was flled with electricity!! On behalf of my wife, Jodi and myself
and our Bat Mitzvah daughter Jessica - we would like to thank you and all of your staff from the bottom of our hearts!
- The Leichter Family Woodcliff Lake 11/16/13
201-567-3810 491 South Dean Street Englewood, NJ 07631
www.spaceodysseyusa.com
V I S I ON- SPACE IS TRULY A ONE - STOP SHOP
JUNE GLAZER
L
ong before the hal l is
booked and the invitations
mailed, many families plan-
ning a bar or bat mitzvah
celebration often take on a
special project as a way to
deepen their connection to
Judaism and imbue the upcoming occa-
sion with added meaning. The project
they choose usually culminates with a
moving speech or video that will be pre-
sented at the party.
While any project that strength-
ens ties to Judaism is meaningful and
important, Rabbi Noah Greenberg has a
unique idea that culminates with some-
thing much more tangible, and one
that experience shows is deeply inspi-
rational. An artist and educator living
in Israel, he has figured out a way to
craft kosher tellin (phylacteries) out of
parchment through a process similar to
origami, and has created a program in
which participants make their own pair.
Tellin is the rst mitzvah assumed
by a Jewish male upon becoming a bar
mitzvah.
I dont think I have run across a
project in my whole life that would be
more appropriate and more directly
applicable for any student as a pre-bar
mitzvah project, said Simon Jacob
of West Orange. Past president of the
Joseph Kushner Hebrew Academy/Rae
Kushner Yeshiva High School in Livings-
ton, he and his wife, Barrie, brought
Rabbi Greenberg and his program to
their home three years ago in advance
of their son Levi Yehezkels bar mitzvah,
and over the course of a Thanksgiving
weekend (not including Shabbat) 14
boys and three adults immersed them-
selves in the world of tellin-making.
The thought behind it is so fantas-
tic and the kids became so engaged. The
program is called Kesher Tefillin, and
kesher means connection. The proj-
ect creates a connection between the
child and the tellin. Youve never seen
a bunch of young teenagers so focused,
Mr. Jacob said of the group he gathered.
Tefillin are biblical in origin, and
are commanded within the context of
several laws outlining a Jews relation-
ship with God. Comprising two small
black boxes and leather straps, they are
worn one on the head and one on the
arm and donned each morning of the
week with the exception of Shabbat
and Jewish holidays. Usually, boys are
trained to start wearing them one or
two months before they turn 13 accord-
ing to the Hebrew calendar.
Many years ago, I was learning
with my son for his bar mitzvah and we
had just bought him a pair of beauti-
ful and expensive tefillin, said Rabbi
Greenberg, a native of Oakland, Calif.,
who moved to Safed in 1978 where he
maintains an artist workshop in his
home. As we were learning, I thought
to myself that Moshe Rabbeinu also
wore tefillin, and I started to think
Creating
tellin
ties
Unique tellin project engages
young teens with Judaism
The thought
behind it is
so fantastic
and the kids
became so
engaged.
SIMON JACOB
S-4 Jewish Standard, Jewish Community News, Rockland Jewish Standard WINTER 2014 BAR/BAT MITZVAH
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CHAPERONES
PROFESSIONAL, COURTEOUS
We supervise the kids while you
relax and enjoy the party.
www.BarMitzvahBouncer.com
Established in 1998
Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, Sweet 16s, and Graduation Parties
Country Clubs, Catering Halls, House Parties, Bus Rides
All Chaperones are certied school teachers
Available in NJ, NY, and CT

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about how he might have made them.
Obviously, he didnt have computers
and hydraulic presses in the desert.
The thought prompted Rabbi
Greenberg to experiment and he came
up with a way to fold goat-skin parch-
mentthe same material a kosher
Torah scroll is written onto create
the batim, or boxes, that hold the four
sets of biblical verses, hand-written by a
scribe, in which tellin are commanded.
The rst person to see the proto-
type that Rabbi Greenberg made was
Rabbi Loren Sykes, CEO and execu-
tive director of the Shirley and Jacob
Fuchsberg Jerusalem Center of the
United Synagogue of Conservative
Judaism. I was in Noahs workshop
about another matter when I saw the
tefillin sitting on his desk and asked
him about them. He explained and
I told him that this is something we
should gure out how to do with kids.
The rest of the story is Noah mak-
ing this mitzvah possible for them.
Rabbi Sykes, who is founding director
of Camp Ramah Darom in northeast
Georgia, brought a pilot program to
the camp that summer and campers
there have been making tefillin ever
since. Weve exponentially increased
the number of kids who are actively
involved in this mitzvah, he said.
Since that summer six years ago,
some 2,000 kids in camps, schools, and
private gatherings in the US and Isra-
el have participated in Kesher Tellin,
including Rabbi Sykes son Elan, who
was part of the pilot.
The focus was not so much on
how to fold it as it was on the inten-
tionlearning the laws related to tel-
lin and doing everything lshem kidu-
shat tellin [for the sake of the sanctity
of the tellin]. Having the experience
of folding and coloring, sewing and
tying, and putting the scrolls into the
compartments really gave me a sense
of ownership over the mitzvah. I put
on tefillin for the first time with that
pair and the experience was much more
meaningful, the younger Sykes said.
When I started this, I thought the
project was about the tefillin them-
selves, Rabbi Greenberg noted. As
Ive done it more and more, Ive real-
ized that its really about the wealth and
organic wholeness of our Jewish life and
heritage. The foundation of this pro-
gram is kidusha [holiness], which we
study in-depth. And, the kids really get
it. They truly integrate the concepts.
Rabbi Greenberg added that the
project, which takes 15 hours over sev-
eral days to complete, is complex, chal-
lenging, fast-moving, and hands-on.
In the process, the kids are learning
the Rambam, Shulchan Aruch, Mishnah
Brurah, and even the Gemara. If I were
a rabbi coming in with a bunch of books
and trying to teach them the same stuff,
theyd be asleep in two minutes. This
way, the kids dont even realize that
theyre learning, he said.
Greenbergs tellin have the has-
kama [approbation] of prominent rab-
bis in Israel and the U.S., including
Rav Nissim Karelitz of Bnei Brak, Rav
Yisroel Belsky of the Orthodox Union
(OU), and Rabbi Saul Berman of Yeshi-
va University, who has been a driving
force behind the project from the out-
set and answers the ongoing halachic
questions as they develop. In the Con-
servative Movement, Rabbi Joel Roth,
who serves as the halachic authority
for all the Conservative Movements
Ramah summer camps, also supports
the project.
People say this is a transforma-
tional experience in these kids lives.
Recently at Camp Ramah in the Berk-
shires, a mother told me that her son, a
public school student, did the program
three years ago and since then gets up
15 minutes early every day to put on his
tellin. And now, his father does, too. If
this story were an isolated incident, the
program would still be worth it, but I
hear anecdotes like this all the time. Its
incredible, Greenberg said.
For the past three years, the art-
ist and educator has presented Kesh-
er Tefillin in the Ethiopian communi-
ty in Israel, as well. One of the excit-
ing things were doing is working with
groups of Ethiopian olimfathers and
sonsas part of their aliyah-conver-
sion-bar mitzvah process. In Ethiopia,
many Jews were forced to convert to
Christianity and have crosses tattooed
onto their foreheads right at the spot
where the men wear the tefillin shel
rosh [the box that is placed on the
head]. When you see the fathers put-
ting on their tefillin on that spot. . . .
Rabbi Greenberg trailed off with emo-
tion. Were being given this opportu-
nity to negate the travesty that was done
to these people.
Ever the craftsman, Rabbi Green-
berg brings all his own tools and materi-
als along when he presents his program,
including kosher scrolls to insert into
the boxes. Under his direction, partici-
pants tie them with calf hair, put them
in each box, sew the boxes with sinews,
and tie ritzuotspecial knotsin the
straps, all in accordance with Jewish
law. The cap-off moment is when the
boys don their tellin for the rst time
and say the Shema. It is a moment like
no other, Mr. Jacob attested.
When our group did the project,
that moment was so intense. There
were very few dry eyes. To put on these
tefillin the kids made themselves and
to say the Shemait was an incredibly
beautiful, wonderful experience, and
the kids were so excited. They were so
into it.
This is really an inspirational pro-
cess, Rabbi Greenberg said. What
these kids come away with is ownership
not only of this one mitzvah, but of Jew-
ish existence in general. It is changing
peoples lives.
For more information about the
Kesher Tefillin program, visit the Web
site at http://www.kesher-tellin.com/.
ON THE COVER:
Sarah Fassbergs bat mitzvah photo by Todd France Photography,
56 West 22nd St., New York, NY. Studio: (212) 300-4264. Dress
from Party Girl in Tenafly.
S-6 Jewish Standard, Jewish Community News, Rockland Jewish Standard WINTER 2014 BAR/BAT MITZVAH
AMI T
BAR/BAT MITZVAH PROGRAM
YOUR MI TZVAH TODAY ENSURES
A BRI GHTER FUTURE FOR A
CHI LD TOMORROW.
AMITs professional staff in New York,
across the U.S., and Israel will work
with you and your Bar/Bat Mitzvah to
customize your twinning experience.
For more information please contact
Laurie Georgeou at (212) 792-5025 or
e-mail LaurieG@amitchildren.org.
AMITs Bar and Bat Mitzvah Program offers the opportunity for your child,
grandchild, niece, nephew or friends child approaching his or her Bar or
Bat Mitzvah to connect with an AMIT child in Israel, who is also preparing
for this special day.
By twinning with a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, you will also add
a dimension of tzedekah to your childs celebration
and provide a les fortunate child in Israel with
memories of a lifetime.
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26 Paris Avenue Rockleigh, New Jersey 07647 Tel. 201-768-7171
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JewStd_Bar_ad_080109.indd 1 2/22/08 3:43:33 PM
A mitzvah project triple
Israelis with special needs encounter nature with Lotem
ABIGAIL KLEIN LEICHMAN
I
f your bar or bat mitzvah child
is a lover of the great out-
doors, former Fair Lawn resi-
dent Alisa Bodner has a novel
idea for a chesed project.
Ms. Bodner, who moved to
Israel in 2010, is the Keren Kay-
emeth LeIsrael-Jewish National
Fund liaison with Lotem (www.
lotem.net), a non-prot dedicat-
ed to making nature accessible to
Israelis with disabilities reach-
ing about 30,000 people each
year.
Lotem maintains Israels only
accessible hiking trail together
with KKL-JNF, and also has an
accessible ecological farm the
only site of its kind worldwide
where people with special needs can
experience pressing grapes and olives,
drawing water from wells and baking
pita.
Lotem is the Hebrew acronym for
limudei teva mishulavim, mean-
ing integrated nature studies. Its also,
appropriately enough, the name of a
ower.
We work with Israelis who have
all kinds of physical, communication
and intellectual disorders, hearing and
vision impairment, and also battered
women together with their children,
and at-risk youth, says Ms. Bodner.
Dor giving a high ve to Ido, his Lotem guide.
SEE MITZVAH PROJECT PAGE 8
26 E. Palisade Avenue
Englewood, NJ
201.894.1424
verouomo@verizon.net
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V
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SEE MITZVAH PROJECT PAGE 8
Jewish Standard, Jewish Community News, Rockland Jewish Standard S-7 Experience the Elegance
Celebrate your Bar or Bat Mitzvah in our elegant ballroom and stately lobby,
set amidst lavish gardens and the historic homes of Rockleigh. Our unsurpassed personal service
and custom menus enhance the magic of your special day.
26 Paris Avenue Rockleigh, New Jersey 07647 Tel. 201-768-7171
www.therockleigh.net
JewStd_Bar_ad_080109.indd 1 2/22/08 3:43:33 PM
S-8 Jewish Standard, Jewish Community News, Rockland Jewish Standard WINTER 2014 BAR/BAT MITZVAH
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Lotems Mitzvah-to-Mitzvah program encourag-
es celebrants to contribute toward a specic program
that resonates with them. The options include:
Touching the Western Wall: Enable a group of chil-
dren with special needs to visit the Western Wall and
other important historical and religious sites in Jerusa-
lem, just like their friends and relatives.
Natures Way: Sponsor hands-on activities on
Lotems eco-farm for a group of children with special
needs. Activities are tied to the ancient agricultural
cycle in Israel and bring participants closer to nature
and their Jewish heritage.
Natural Integration: Sponsor a group hike that
brings children in a special-education class together
with children in a regular class for educational activi-
ties in nature. This program promotes acceptance
and understanding and fosters love and friendship
between children whose main commonality is love of
nature.
Integra-Teva: Help foster coexistence by sponsor-
ing an accessible hike that brings together Arab and
Jewish youth with special needs for joint activities in
nature.
Choosing one or more of these programs helps
them feel connected to the cause, says Ms. Bodner,
a graduate of The Frisch School and Queens College.
Theyre contributing a gift to children the same age
as them, who ordinarily wouldnt be able to go out and
enjoy nature. Its very hands-on and age-appropriate.
Even better, if the young celebrant plans to visit
Israel, he or she can arrange to join a Lotem hike
and even help guide it together with the soldiers and
national service volunteers who work with the organi-
zation. Or they can interact with people coming to the
eco-farm for nature activities.
This connects them even more to the whole pro-
cess, and they can really see the difference their con-
tribution is making, says Ms. Bodner. The volunteers
gain from the encounter as well.
After taking part in a recent Natural Integration
program, one Israeli eighth-grader admitted that
though she was initially apprehensive, This experi-
ence opened our minds. We are used to spending
time with people who are similar to us but we had the
opportunity to meet others. Essentially every person
that you dont know is different and when you think
about it again, you discover suddenly that there is no
such thing as normal and that everybody is unique. It
showed me to look upon the world in a different way.
Another 13-year-old on the program commented,
We need to accept differences regardless of who the
person is. The children from [the special-needs school]
have such happiness for life. They have such strong
willpower and they do not give up even in difculty.
This is something I need to take upon myself.
Lotem programs also offer a unique option for
bar/bat mitzvah children from abroad who them-
selves have special needs. The organization already
works with Birthright tours for members of Yachad, the
National Jewish Council for Disabilities, and arranges
one-day inclusive tours for visiting individuals or fami-
lies free of charge, to raise awareness of the organiza-
tion.
When we make our tours accessible, its not only
physical accessibility but also pedagogic accessibil-
ity, Ms. Bodner stresses. We provide each group with
guides who can give specialized instruction to t their
particular special needs and level of understanding.
From the United States, Ms. Bodner can be con-
tacted at (347) 236-3262 or Lotem@jnf.org.
She adds that JNF, a partner organization with
Lotem for the past seven years, offers this program as
well as other opportunities in its own bnei mitzvah
program geared to supporting Israel. For more on that,
see http://www.jnf.org/get-involved/celebrate/.
Two children from the Bet Chinuch School lead a child from the Ben
Yehuda School for Special Education.
Mitzvah Project
FROM PAGE 6
Jewish Standard, Jewish Community News, Rockland Jewish Standard S-9
as them, who ordinarily wouldnt be able to go out and
enjoy nature. Its very hands-on and age-appropriate.
Even better, if the young celebrant plans to visit
Israel, he or she can arrange to join a Lotem hike
and even help guide it together with the soldiers and
national service volunteers who work with the organi-
zation. Or they can interact with people coming to the
eco-farm for nature activities.
This connects them even more to the whole pro-
cess, and they can really see the difference their con-
tribution is making, says Ms. Bodner. The volunteers
gain from the encounter as well.
After taking part in a recent Natural Integration
program, one Israeli eighth-grader admitted that
though she was initially apprehensive, This experi-
ence opened our minds. We are used to spending
time with people who are similar to us but we had the
opportunity to meet others. Essentially every person
that you dont know is different and when you think
about it again, you discover suddenly that there is no
such thing as normal and that everybody is unique. It
showed me to look upon the world in a different way.
Another 13-year-old on the program commented,
We need to accept differences regardless of who the
person is. The children from [the special-needs school]
have such happiness for life. They have such strong
willpower and they do not give up even in difculty.
This is something I need to take upon myself.
Lotem programs also offer a unique option for
bar/bat mitzvah children from abroad who them-
selves have special needs. The organization already
works with Birthright tours for members of Yachad, the
National Jewish Council for Disabilities, and arranges
one-day inclusive tours for visiting individuals or fami-
lies free of charge, to raise awareness of the organiza-
tion.
When we make our tours accessible, its not only
physical accessibility but also pedagogic accessibil-
ity, Ms. Bodner stresses. We provide each group with
guides who can give specialized instruction to t their
particular special needs and level of understanding.
From the United States, Ms. Bodner can be con-
tacted at (347) 236-3262 or Lotem@jnf.org.
She adds that JNF, a partner organization with
Lotem for the past seven years, offers this program as
well as other opportunities in its own bnei mitzvah
program geared to supporting Israel. For more on that,
see http://www.jnf.org/get-involved/celebrate/.
S-10 Jewish Standard, Jewish Community News, Rockland Jewish Standard WINTER 2014 BAR/BAT MITZVAH
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How to plan a bar/bat mitzvah in Israel
ABIGAIL KLEIN LEICHMAN
A
mericans wishing to hold their
childs coming-of-age ceremony
in Israel often think of the West-
ern Wall (Kotel) in Jerusalem, a
landmark with deep religious signifi-
cance. However, they need to be aware
of potential pitfalls of an event at this
spot and be prepared to consider less-
er-known alternatives, say Israeli event
planners who work with overseas fami-
lies.
The first thing to bear in mind is
that the Kotel is geared only to Ortho-
dox, gender-separated bar mitzvah ser-
vices, and only on Mondays and Thurs-
days (though any morning will do for a
rst tellin experience). Because the
site is so popular, numerous bar mitz-
vahs are usually going on simultaneous-
ly, and that brings logistical problems.
If you dont get there early, you
wont get a table [for the Torah read-
ing] and women wont be able to see
anything, cautions Adena Mark of A to
Z Events in Israel. Thats why we pro-
vide a service to reserve a spot for the
men and another for the women on
the other side of the mechitza [divider]
where they will be able to see and hear
as well as possible.
Still, the women wont see much
unless theyre standing on chairs. That
can be problematic for older guests or
those with physical handicaps. Just get-
ting to the Kotel along cobblestoned
streets and down stairs can be difcult
for guests with limited mobility, as well
as for parents with strollers. Parking is
tight near the site as well.
That being said, for people making
a once-in-a-lifetime trip I understand
their desire to do it at the Kotel, said
Ms. Mark, and thats why we provide
this service to make it easier. However,
if a family goes to Israel often, then I do
recommend doing a bar mitzvah some-
where else. There are so many beautiful
options in the Old City or in other cities
of great meaning such as Hevron, Tzfat
[Safed] or Meron.
For bat mitzvahs and non-Ortho-
dox bar mitzvahs, the Jerusalem
Archeological Park-Davidson Center
just south of the Kotel (known as the
Southern Wall) is a good alternative,
though the accessibility and parking
issues remain. This area includes Rob-
insons Arch, where many religious ser-
vices are held for visitors. The genders
are not separated, its not as inundated
with tourists and competing ceremo-
nies, and its easier for photographers to
get shots of the whole group. Unlike the
Kotel, however, there is a fee for admis-
sion and there are no chairs.
Another popular location for a bar
or bat mitzvah is Masada, the Judean
mountaintop where a band of Jewish
zealots fended off Roman forces until
committing mass suicide in the first
century of the Common Era.
We offer an amazing package to
do something in Jerusalem, like an Old
City tour, then make your way down to
the desert and have a big musical feast
in a Bedouin encampment and then a
ceremony at Masada the next morning,
said Nikki Fenton of Simcha in Israel.
That way you cover both the historical
and religious angles.
OFF-THE-BEATEN-TRACK
ALTERNATIVES
Lesser-known Jerusalem venues for a
bar mitzvah ceremony include Merkaz
Shimshon, a picturesque synagogue in
the Yemin Moshe neighborhood over-
looking the Old City; and the circular
Hecht Synagogue at Hebrew Univer-
sitys Mount Scopus campus, which fea-
tures a solid glass wall with a view of the
Old City skyline.
Dganit Altman of Loya Events
enjoys nding unique ethnic venues. In
the capital city, she schedules services
at synagogues catering to the Syrian,
Iraqi, or Indian communities, for exam-
ple. I can bring paytanim [hymnists] to
sing at the ceremony, she said.
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Have your special event at the
Jewish Center of Teaneck where families
have celebrated for over 80 years.
Conveniently located just 3 miles west of the George Washington Bridge
Rabbi Lawrence S. Zierler Sandy Hausler, President Rose Sigler, Administrator
The Jewish Center of Teaneck
Teanecks frst and most comprehensive,
full service Synagogue Center
70 Sterling Place, Teaneck, NJ
(201) 833-0515 www.jcot.org email: info@jcot.org
Affordable Elegance
Israel bar mitzvah Web sites
http://www.bar-and-bat-mitzvah-in-israel.com/, sponsored by the Ministry of Tourism
www.israel-bar-mitzvah.com, an independent handbook
www.barmitzvahinisrael.com
www.loyevents.com
www.nikkifenton.com
http://atozeventsisrael.com
For families of blended Eastern and
Western heritage, Ms. Altman favors an
early synagogue in the northern city of
Rosh Pinah, the first shul ever where
Sephardim and Ashkenazim prayed
together, and even the design and
nusach [liturgy] are all mixed.
Most families think of upscale res-
taurants and hotels for the reception
which cost considerably less than
at comparable venues in the United
States. But there are almost limitless
alternatives.
Ms. Altman recommends hiring
a personal chef specializing in ethnic
cuisine. The meal can be in a rented
villa or out-of-the-way restaurant in
Jerusalem or Tzfat, or weather permit-
ting outdoors. She enjoys arranging
women-only events on the eve of a bat
mitzvah, such as a private show by an
Israeli singer such as Ahinoam Nini; or a
challah-baking workshop with a master
baker; or an art or music workshop.
ARRANGEMENTS
While it is possible to make arrange-
ments without a professional planner,
the time and language differences alone
make communication difcult.
On-the-ground planners can sug-
gest interesting venues they have actu-
ally visited, put together family tours
with licensed guides suitable to the
guests ages and interests, and book
hotels and ights. They can arrange for
photography, owers, and favors, baby-
sitting and medical escorts, as well as
a rabbi for the religious portion of the
event.
We refer our clients to a rabbi and
he takes over the details of the service
itself, said Yael Adar of barmitzvahinis-
rael.com. The rabbi gets in contact
with the family before they arrive and
usually meets with them at their hotel
the day before the service.
On top of that, planners here say
they ll a cultural gap between overseas
clients and Israeli vendors.
There are excellent service pro-
viders here, but sometimes theres an
attitude of hakol yehiye bseder [every-
thing will be ne], said Ms. Fenton, a
former Brit. This casual approach takes
many English-speakers by surprise.
In Israel, many bar/bat mitzvah
events can be put together in less than
two months. However, ve-star accom-
modations in popular cities such as
Jerusalem or Tel Aviv need to be booked
up to two years in advance, especially
for high season. I had a group of 15
coming in December, and they con-
tacted me in June, said Ms. Adar. All
the hotels they wanted were already
booked.
In general, said Ms. Fenton, You
wont spend as much as you would in
New York or in London.
Ms. Mark says you can expect to
spend no less than $20,000 for a day-
time bar/bat mitzvah in Israel excluding
travel and accommodation costs.
Hashamayim hagvul [the skys the
limit], said Ms. Altman. Call me and
tell me your budget and Ill make it for
you.
A bar mitzvah at the Western Wall. ABIGAIL KLEIN LEICHMAN
S-12 Jewish Standard, Jewish Community News, Rockland Jewish Standard WINTER 2014 BAR/BAT MITZVAH
JUDY LASH BALINT
JERUSALEM Its 9:30 a.m. on a sunny Monday morning in the Jew-
ish Quarter of Jerusalems Old City. Two large groups of revelers almost
collide in the alley leading to the main square.
Both groups are accompanied by a clarinetist and a drummer
belting out traditional simcha tunes, and in the middle of both are
13-year old boys dancing with beaming grandmas and uncles under
a small chuppah as they make their way under the stone arches from
the Western Wall.
Its the Israeli version of the bar mitzvah extravaganza, and its
repeated every Monday and Thursday (days when the Torah is read)
throughout the year. Boys from all over the country are called up to the
Torah for the rst time at the Wall, and then get danced up the steps to
the Jewish Quarter and on to a lavish
breakfast spread at one of the many res-
taurants or halls dotting the area.
But not every bar or bat mitzvah
age teen in Israel is fortunate enough
to have that kind of experience. For the
tens of thousands of youths from dys-
functional families who are cared for in
residential facilities, its often diaspora
Jews who make the difference between
having no bar/bat mitzvah at all, or hav-
ing a meaningful transition into Jewish
responsibility.
Zemira Ozarowski, coordinator of
donor relations for AMIT, a network
of educational programs that serves
28,000 Israeli children, is responsible
for the twinning program that encour-
ages American bar and bat mitzvah kids
to share their celebration with needy
Israeli kids.
Some of the Americans come over
with their families to take part in the
simcha they have sponsored, Ozarowski
explains, while others conduct fund-
raising projects at home and send over
funds to help support AMITs efforts
to inject joy into the lives of Israeli kids
from difcult backgrounds. Part of the
donation is designated for the Israeli
twin to receive a traditional bnei mitz-
vah gift of a siddur or tellin.
Some lasting relationships have
been forged, Ozarowski notes, and the
program was recently expanded to
include twinning between Israeli pre-
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A father helps his hard-of-hearing son put on
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and the Jewish Agency for Israel. JUDY LASH BALINT
An eye for detail at Quality Events
Based in north Jersey but serving the tri-
state area, Quality Events has found its
largest market is in stafng and event
coordinating of glatt kosher events.
Quality Events understands the
expectations for events such as bris,
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dings, Shabbat lunch, Shabbat dinner,
and kiddush. It specializes in event
decorating and has a wide selection
of items in-house such as an array
of multi-colored table cloths, serving
utensils, and platters. It also has the
ability to rent tables, chairs, and tents
if need be.
Quality Events is led by John Sar-
ria, who takes pride in his company
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Putting the mitzvah in bar mitzvah
How your kids can help Israeli kids celebrate their simcha
teens from established Jerusalem neigh-
borhoods and kids in AMITs Beit Hay-
eled facility in Gilo.
In Netanya, the Beit Elazraki Chil-
drens Home run by Emunah, a promi-
nent religious Israeli womens move-
ment with worldwide supporters, hosts
many bar and bat mitzvah twinning
events. American bnei mitzvah and
their families have sponsored sever-
al major projects at the home, which
houses almost 300 children whose fami-
lies cannot care for them.
Back in 2011, a group of budding
musicians from Teaneck raised more
than $20,000 as their bar mitzvah proj-
ect, which funded new equipment for
the music therapy program at Beit Elaz-
raki. Several times a year, American and
British bnei mitzvah join their peers
at Beit Elazraki for a lively party that
always features loud music and a festive
meal.
A popular bnei mitzvah activity for
institutional groups as well as individual
families is a visit to the Yad Lashiryon
Latrun Tank Museum a few miles west
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of Jerusalem. Elisha Kramer, a U.S.-born graduate
student, spent part of his army service as a tour guide
at the museum. Some weeks there would be two or
three bar mitzvah groups every day, Kramer recalls.
Its a great place for kids to learn about the need
for a strong Israel and the legitimacy of fighting for
Israel, Kramer adds regarding the outdoor museum
where more than 150 armored vehicles are on display
along with a moving memorial complex dedicated to
fallen Israeli soldiers.
Many bnei mitzvah want to take an active role in
their celebration, and Jerusalem Scavenger Hunts pro-
vides creative opportunities for learning and fun in and
around Jerusalem. Founder and director Tali Tarlow
explains that Israeli kids can train to guide their friends
and family on a fun-lled, educational, thematic navi-
gation through the city as they engage with its history
and gure out their place in its future. The program is
tailored to the interests of each child, who works with
one of the Scavenger Hunt professional guides and
educators to develop a presentation at one of the sta-
tions used in the Hunt. We believe a bar or bat mitz-
vah should be a special occasion and an opportunity
for a meaningful experience, says Tarlow, a long-time
informal educator who made aliyah from South Africa.
Any family thats been part of the Package from
Home Bar and Bat Mitzvah Project would agree with
that sentiment. Started by American immigrant Bar-
bara Silverman at the beginning of the Second Inti-
fada in 2000, the volunteer-run program prepares and
sends tens of thousands of care packages to Israeli
soldiers, focusing particularly on Lone Soldiers (sol-
diers without family in Israel) and wounded soldiers.
Bnei mitzvah in the U.S. can raise money for the proj-
ect, and those visiting can take part in the packaging
and distribution of everything from warm clothing to
toiletries to snacks. Each package includes letters of
appreciation for the soldiers, which kids are encour-
aged to write.
For children with physical as well as emotional
challenges, it takes a special effort to create a bar or bat
mitzvah program they can relate to.
At a recent ceremony in a Jerusalem synagogue,
63 deaf and hard-of-hearing children were called to
the Torah in front of parents who were visibly moved
by the moment, which was sponsored by the Interna-
tional Young Israel Movement and its Deaf Program-
ming Division in cooperation with the Jewish Agency.
Boys with cochlear implants opened up the brand new
prayer shawls provided by Young Israel with a our-
ish, while groups of girls chattered in sign language
and waited for their turn to recite a special blessing
for becoming a bat mitzvah. Ben Zion Chen, the head
of the Association for the Deaf in Israel, told the kids,
I grew up with hearing parents and didnt know what
Torah was. You are all very fortunate.
Rabbi Chanoch Yeres, director of the Deaf Programming Division of
International Young Israel Movement (IYIM), leads a 2013 bar mitz-
vah for 63 deaf and hard-of-hearing children. JUDY LASH BALINT
Its important that you know your rights and how
to deal with your deafness as you grow up, Mr. Chen
added, while a sign language interpreter translated his
words to the attentive students.
He didnt sleep all last night, said one parent
regarding her son, a profoundly deaf 13-year-old from
Ramle. Hes gone through so many operations, and
had so many difficulties in his short lifeits a joy
to be here with him and see how happy he is, she
exclaimed as her son took his place under the prayer
shawl spread over his group, while Rabbi Chanoch
Yeres, director of Young Israels Deaf Programming
Division, read the Torah portion. In true Israeli bnei
mitzvah style, the kids and their families, who had
come from all over Israel, were treated to a celebratory
lunch and a tour of the Old City to mark the day.
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A capella, when the voice is the instrument
HEIDI MAE BRATT
W
hen she was making her
daughter Hannahs bat mitz-
vah, Eleanor Hait was assidu-
ous in the planning of the
simcha. From the elegantly designed
invitations to the sumptuous buffet
lunch, attention to detail was appar-
ent in every aspect of the event, includ-
ing bringing beautiful music into the
Shabbat afternoon affair: A group of
young men serenaded guests from the
moment they entered the room, at their
tableside, and until they left, sated with
food and feelings of joy that come from
celebrating a young womans entre into
Jewish adult responsibility.
No band. No sound system.
No microphones. Just the voices of a
capella singers, who regaled family and
friends with songs in Hebrew, English,
and Yiddish.
A quiet luncheon is lovely, too,
said Ms. Hait. But it was nice to be able
to add music, and have the freilichkeit
(joyfulness), the ruach (spirit) of the
simcha enhanced in a Shabbat-obser-
vant way.
For the Sabbath-observant family
making a bar or bat mitzvah, a capella
groups are a perfect way to have music
at the event. From anecdotal evidence,
their popularity as Shabbat-friendly
entertainment for bar/bat mitzvahs
appears to be on the rise.
A capella inherently is a very spiri-
tual form of musical communication,
said Peggy Abraham, a singer. Its using
the human instrument, just the voice,
and communicating more directly with
your audience in a way that is experi-
enced more deeply. A capella music is
pure and can be transcendent.
An extension of the Shabbat zmirot
songs around the table, a capella at a
bar mitzvah takes the melodic tradition
and amplies it.
Theres something very spiritual,
organic and internal with a capella,
said Sam Bodi Bodenheimer, leader
of Spicerack Music and its Jewish arm,
Bsamim, which has played at many bar
and bat mitzvahs all over the country
and world, and other events, including
former New York City Mayor Bloom-
bergs Chanukah party.
Theres a sharing of a musical
connection with those in the audience.
There is no barrier. No one is on stage.
This right away can bring everyone
together, said Mr. Bodenheimer, who
grew up in Teaneck.
In fact, it is often part of the rou-
tine of a capella singers to go table to
table and sing to the guests, often taking
requests ranging from modern tunes to
Yiddish songs to Hebrew anthems.
Typically, the a capella groups range
from four to 10 singers with a variance
of vocal range. But Mr. Bodenheimer
said that when he assembles a group, he
looks for the most talented singers who
also are professional, can work collabor-
atively, have a good degree of expertise,
and whose voices will meld together in
perfect harmony.
Because there is no overhead for
a sound system, a capella is usually a
less expensive option than a traditional
band with prices ranging in the $500 per
singer range, he said.
For David Ross, founder and
musical director of Shir Soul Sim-
cha Band, his evolution into Jewish
music dovetailed with his evolution
into Jewish observance. Born and
bred in the mile-square Westchester
community of Ardsley, N.Y., Mr. Ross
said he brings his prior musical world
of Motown, pop rock, and blues and
fuses it with traditional Jewish tunes.
The result is a young, fresh, hip way of
expression that informs his band and
a capella music.
While Mr. Rosss is an all-male
Orthodox group, and he has worked
many Sabbaths with a capella, he has
also brought the group to Reform and
Conservative bar mitzvahs as well.
Mr. Ross, who lives with his family
in Teaneck, said his a capella group dis-
tinguishes itself in other ways, too.
Some of the groups are trying to
sound like bands. We dont try to imitate
a band. For me, its all about the voices
and singing. There is only one instru-
ment, and that is the voice.
Sam
Bodenheimers
Bsamin a
capella group
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www.jstandard.com
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FIRST PERSON
In Italy, where Jews were silent
for half a millennium,
they now ock to celebrate
BARBARA AIELLO
I
remember it well. I was
a young girl, about 11 or
12 years old. It was a tran-
sitional time that some
now call the tweens, when
kids like me were starting to
explore larger society. As new
faces crossed my path and as
I made new friends, people
would do the usual thing and
ask me my name. Barbara
Aiello, Id say, and give them
a short lesson in pronouncing my last
nameId point to my eye and say, like
eye and the color yellow.
So far, so good. Then, if religion
came up, I had the chance to tell about
my Jewish background: the little Sep-
hardic synagogue my father sometimes
took me to and the holidays
and festivals we celebrated
at home. Some people would
look at me in disbelief and
say something that Ive
heard all my life. But youre
Italian. You cant be Jewish!
Looking back, it was this
experience and many others
like it that led me back home
to Italy to connect with my
Italian Jewish roots, and, as
a rabbi, to establish a synagogue in my
ancestral village of Serrastretta, in the
mountains of Calabria, near the toe of
Italys boot. Eight years ago, Sinagoga
Ner Tamid del SudThe Eternal Light
of the South Synagoguewas born.
Half a millennium ago, forced con-
versions caused Jewish belief and prac-
tice to go into hiding. Ner Tamid del Sud
is the rst active synagogue in Calabria
in 500 years. In the intervening cen-
turies, secret Jews of Southern Italy
crypto-Jews, or bnei anousimtook
their traditions into their homes and
into their hearts, waiting for the oppor-
tunity to be Jewish once again. That
opportunity became a reality in 2007,
when regular synagogue services began.
This development wasnt only
relevant to locals. Quickly, Jews from
abroad started requesting bar and bat
mitzvahs in our congregation, and
shortly after our establishment we had
our first instance of a family traveling
here from the United States to celebrate
the bar mitzvah of their son, Tyler. It
The Calabrian mountains of Italy. POTITO M. PETRONE
Rabbi Barbara Aiello
SEE ITALY PAGE 16
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became clear that the synagogue would both extend
a Jewish welcome to southern Italians eager to make
their own Jewish discoveries and open the door to this
remarkable piece of history to Jewish families around
the world.
I recall meeting face to face with Tyler, his par-
ents, and his younger brother. We had already studied
together via Skype on a weekly basis for about three
months, and we finally gathered in a small family-
operated hotel in Lamezia Terme, the town closest to
our village. I had driven down the mountain (the syna-
gogue is 3,000 feet above sea level) with our antique
Torah wrapped securely beside me, I was prepared to
share our scroll with Tyler and offer him an opportu-
nity to practice his verses before the big day.
After our study time, Tyler and I, along with the
entire family grandparents, aunts and uncles, and
cousins toured Timpone, the old Jewish Quarter
where a thriving Jewish community once lived and
worked nearly 500 years ago.
As we climbed the hill toward the center of the
quarter, I was able to point out the local Catholic
church, complete with a camouaged Star of David
indicating that the church had once been a synagogue.
As our walking tour continued and as we met some of
the residents of Timpone, all of whom have ancestral
Jewish heritage, our American families were astound-
ed to learn that despite concerted efforts to eradicate
established Judaism, an entire neighborhood held fast
to their Jewish traditions for centuries.
Over the years the bar mitzvah and bat mitzvah
experience in Calabria has been a lesson in Jewish
tenacity for the modern teens whose families opt out
of the big party to give their sons and daughters a
chance to see that in some parts of the world its not
easy to be Jewish.
In fact, on the day of the ceremony, our bar and
bat mitzvah students some of whom had traveled
from Chicago, New York, Canada, and Australia not
only assisted me with the service, but also met and
greeted Italian congregants who had journeyed great
distances just to participate in the ceremony. One fam-
ily came six hours by train so that their two daughters
could see a young girl read directly from the Torah
scroll. Their dedication amazed Charis, who had come
from Rhode Island to become Calabrias rst-ever bat
mitzvah. I carried the scroll to each of them, and I
could see in their eyes how happy they were, Charis
said.
Thanks in part to the international interest in our
bar mitzvah and bat mitzvah program, I was able to
renovate the synagogue space and enlarge it to accom-
modate our destination families, along with our grow-
ing bnei anousim congregation. In its new space, the
synagogue is congured in the Sephardic style, with
the ark on the Jerusalem wall and the reading table
opposite. Visitors often remark that the sanctuary is
reminiscent of the ancient Sephardic synagogues in
Spain, to which most Calabrian Jews trace their Jewish
roots.
When Im asked about our Jewish affiliation, I
explain that we are pluralistic, in that the service is
fully egalitarian with equal participation for men and
women as well as non-Jewish family members. And as
one of just two non-Orthodox synagogues in Italy, our
focus is on prayer and song in Hebrew, English, and
Italian so that everyone feels comfortable and under-
stands.
Here in the south of Italy, Jewish families date
back thousands of years to the time of the Maccabees,
when Jews left Judea and voluntarily came to Italy.
Centuries later at the time of the expulsion of the Jews
from Spain, a new group of Jews made their way from
Spain and Portugal to the islands of Sicily and Sardinia,
and eventually to lo stivalethe boot, as we call
the Italian mainland. The rich Jewish history of our
area, combined with my own family background that
includes a glimpse into secret and hidden Jewish tradi-
tion, is truly a rabbis dream. I am so grateful for the
opportunity to immerse our bar mitzvah and bat mitz-
vah students into the unique Italian Jewish experience.
JNS.org
Barbara Aiello is Italys first female rabbi and also its first non-
Orthodox rabbi. She can be reached at rabbi@rabbibarbara.
com. This story was a first published by www.Jewish.Travel, an
online Jewish travel magazine.
Italy
FROM PAGE 15
Jewish Standard, Jewish Community News, Rockland Jewish Standard S-17
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modate our destination families, along with our grow-
ing bnei anousim congregation. In its new space, the
synagogue is congured in the Sephardic style, with
the ark on the Jerusalem wall and the reading table
opposite. Visitors often remark that the sanctuary is
reminiscent of the ancient Sephardic synagogues in
Spain, to which most Calabrian Jews trace their Jewish
roots.
When Im asked about our Jewish affiliation, I
explain that we are pluralistic, in that the service is
fully egalitarian with equal participation for men and
women as well as non-Jewish family members. And as
one of just two non-Orthodox synagogues in Italy, our
focus is on prayer and song in Hebrew, English, and
Italian so that everyone feels comfortable and under-
stands.
Here in the south of Italy, Jewish families date
back thousands of years to the time of the Maccabees,
when Jews left Judea and voluntarily came to Italy.
Centuries later at the time of the expulsion of the Jews
from Spain, a new group of Jews made their way from
Spain and Portugal to the islands of Sicily and Sardinia,
and eventually to lo stivalethe boot, as we call
the Italian mainland. The rich Jewish history of our
area, combined with my own family background that
includes a glimpse into secret and hidden Jewish tradi-
tion, is truly a rabbis dream. I am so grateful for the
opportunity to immerse our bar mitzvah and bat mitz-
vah students into the unique Italian Jewish experience.
JNS.org
Barbara Aiello is Italys first female rabbi and also its first non-
Orthodox rabbi. She can be reached at rabbi@rabbibarbara.
com. This story was a first published by www.Jewish.Travel, an
online Jewish travel magazine.
Standing up
for girls
One researcher explains how to really protect
our daughters during Bat Mitzvah
DR. BETH COOPER BENJAMIN, ED.D.
T
oday, outside of Orthodoxy, girls and boys par-
ticipate in identical bnai mitzvah rituals cel-
ebrated with equal enthusiasm by families and
communities. Given that ritual bar mitzvah has
existed since the Middle Ages while bat mitzvah was
inaugurated less than 100 years ago, we have certainly
come a long way. Where I work, though, were learning
that things might still be different for young men and
women during bnai mitzvah.
Recently, I spoke with my 12-year-old cousin,
whose social calendar is in full-tilt bnai mitzvah mode.
His reality is very different than that of his female
classmates; when I asked what he wears I was told he
has two shirts. I dont know if he nds the prospect
of wearing the same thing every weekend a snoozefest
or a relief. What I do know is that this relaxed noncha-
lance is not what I encountered when I was studying
girls experiences of contemporary bat mitzvah.
I work as the research director at Mayan, where
I co-lead a feminist leadership training program for
Jewish teen girls. Together with a co-facilitator and
nine Jewish girls in New York City-area high schools,
we conducted an online survey of pre- and post-bat
mitzvah girls in the tri-state area. In the survey, we
presented a series of story stems (written scenari-
os designed to elicit themes related to bat mitzvah)
and asked participants to complete the stories they
had been given and explain what the characters were
thinking and feeling. Story stems, like other projective
measures, allow respondents to articulate their experi-
ences and associations indirectly, without having to
claim them as their own.
In our research, we found that the meaning of bat
mitzvah is bound up with the ways girls are negotiat-
ing femininity in the crucible of puberty and at the
edge of adolescence. We learned that this milestone
raises challenging issues for girls, and we have some
suggestions for adults. In the complete report, I dis-
cuss various aspects of the bat mitzvah experience for
girls, but here I look specically at pressures girls face
around attire, femininity, and sexuality.
Girls narratives often took the shape of a mythic
quest for the perfect dress, suggesting that the ques-
tion of what to wear is one of great consequence for
bat mitzvah girls. This quest for perfection also reects
a mass culture that relentlessly targets girls with digi-
tally enhanced images that create impossible beauty
standards. What we noticed in these narratives is that
One of the best
things adults can
do is to create safe
spaces where
girls can talk.
SEE GIRLS PAGE 18
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respondents had internalized the belief that they will
be judged based on how they present themselves.
The extreme version of the anxiety is a belief that their
value as people is tied up with their clothing choice.
Respondents also wrote rich descriptions of bat
mitzvah dresses. Dresses were frequently described
as either babyish or matronly, and sometimes both
at once: It looked like a Barbie fairy princess turned
Grandma. Whats missing from these developmental
mash-ups of girlhood and old age is the state that girls
bodies are often beginning to resemble at around Bat
Mitzvah-age: sexually mature adulthood. Arguments
around hemlines and tzniut (modesty) are sometimes
proxies for a more difcult conversation about girls
maturing bodies, sexualization and objectification,
and their desire to assert and explore their sexuality.
Lots of adults are concerned about their daugh-
ters dignity or the solemnity of religious ritual. And
many girls want to express their identities, relate to
their friends, and not be coerced into looking like a
nun. So whats a parent or other caring adult to do?
Our research clearly shows that the bat mitzvah
unfolds in conversation with all the other inuences
and experiences in girls lives. One of the best things
adults can do is to create safe spaces where girls can
talk about their pressures and concerns as well as
excitement and anticipation. Strive for open-ended
dialogue rather than seeking out specic information
or correcting misperceptions. Cultivating a curious
(but not interrogative) attitude conveys respect to
young people, who may view adults as using conversa-
tions to assess or inform or x them.
Another important thing adults (both parents and
Jewish communal professionals) can do is to resist
the temptation to police girls bodies even under the
guise of protecting them. Its normal to feel protective
of young people and/or community norms. But girls
bodies and sexuality are often highly provocative for
adults, and its crucial for us to ask ourselves: Whats
coming up for me as I negotiate this issue? What do
I feel when a woman wears a short skirt or a low-cut
dress? What concerns me about my daughters cloth-
ing preferences? It can also be helpful to talk explicitly
with teens about the cultural pressures and marketing
messages that constrain girls choices and create nar-
row and impossible beauty standards.
Whether theyre on the bimah, in school, or hang-
ing out in their pajamas, tween and teen girls often
feel scrutinized and denigrated based on their appear-
ance and their actions. Its so common that we might
not even notice it, but criticizing a girl or woman for
violating or appearing to violate cultural norms of
sexual behavior and appearance (sometimes called
slut-shaming) demeans all girls and robs more dig-
nity and meaning from a spiritual milestone than any
hemline or high heel possibly could. And it clearly
discriminates. Look at the reaction to the MTV Awards
performance by Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke: both
performances were overtly sexualized, but Miley got
criticized while Thicke (whose song Blurred Lines
suggests that women dont mean it when they tell a
man no) was barely mentioned. Calling out this kind
of commentary is an act of courage and a powerful
action for adults to model. You can start by naming
it in the world around you (you will find plenty of
examples in the media, but you can also nd amaz-
ing examples of girls activism and resistance) and
reminding young people that a persons value has
nothing to do with what he or she wears.
Coming of age can be difficult for girls, as they
navigate a more complex social world and become
more conscious of external pressures and expecta-
tions from parents, peers, community, and society. But
we know it can also be a challenging time for adults,
who have to temper their support with restraint that
encourages girls to explore their identities and solve
their own problems.
This piece contains just some of the many nd-
ings from a longer report about our research on bat
mitzvah. The full report, Its Actually A Pretty Big Deal:
Girls narratives of contemporary Bat Mitzvah, is avail-
able at bit.ly/Lq9W33 ; to learn more about Mayans
resources for parents and educators, visit our website
at mayan.org
Dr. Beth Cooper Benjamin, Ed.D., is the director of research at
Mayan, where she serves as a vocal advocate for girls in the
Jewish communal world. She received her doctorate in Human
Development and Psychology from the Harvard University
Graduate School of Education and can be reached at beth@
mayan.org
This article was originally published by eJewish Philanthropy.
Reprinted by permission.
GIRLS
FROM PAGE 17
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many girls want to express their identities, relate to
their friends, and not be coerced into looking like a
nun. So whats a parent or other caring adult to do?
Our research clearly shows that the bat mitzvah
unfolds in conversation with all the other inuences
and experiences in girls lives. One of the best things
adults can do is to create safe spaces where girls can
talk about their pressures and concerns as well as
excitement and anticipation. Strive for open-ended
dialogue rather than seeking out specic information
or correcting misperceptions. Cultivating a curious
(but not interrogative) attitude conveys respect to
young people, who may view adults as using conversa-
tions to assess or inform or x them.
Another important thing adults (both parents and
Jewish communal professionals) can do is to resist
the temptation to police girls bodies even under the
guise of protecting them. Its normal to feel protective
of young people and/or community norms. But girls
bodies and sexuality are often highly provocative for
adults, and its crucial for us to ask ourselves: Whats
coming up for me as I negotiate this issue? What do
I feel when a woman wears a short skirt or a low-cut
dress? What concerns me about my daughters cloth-
ing preferences? It can also be helpful to talk explicitly
with teens about the cultural pressures and marketing
messages that constrain girls choices and create nar-
row and impossible beauty standards.
Whether theyre on the bimah, in school, or hang-
ing out in their pajamas, tween and teen girls often
feel scrutinized and denigrated based on their appear-
ance and their actions. Its so common that we might
not even notice it, but criticizing a girl or woman for
violating or appearing to violate cultural norms of
sexual behavior and appearance (sometimes called
slut-shaming) demeans all girls and robs more dig-
nity and meaning from a spiritual milestone than any
hemline or high heel possibly could. And it clearly
discriminates. Look at the reaction to the MTV Awards
performance by Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke: both
performances were overtly sexualized, but Miley got
criticized while Thicke (whose song Blurred Lines
suggests that women dont mean it when they tell a
man no) was barely mentioned. Calling out this kind
of commentary is an act of courage and a powerful
action for adults to model. You can start by naming
it in the world around you (you will find plenty of
examples in the media, but you can also nd amaz-
ing examples of girls activism and resistance) and
reminding young people that a persons value has
nothing to do with what he or she wears.
Coming of age can be difficult for girls, as they
navigate a more complex social world and become
more conscious of external pressures and expecta-
tions from parents, peers, community, and society. But
we know it can also be a challenging time for adults,
who have to temper their support with restraint that
encourages girls to explore their identities and solve
their own problems.
This piece contains just some of the many nd-
ings from a longer report about our research on bat
mitzvah. The full report, Its Actually A Pretty Big Deal:
Girls narratives of contemporary Bat Mitzvah, is avail-
able at bit.ly/Lq9W33 ; to learn more about Mayans
resources for parents and educators, visit our website
at mayan.org
Dr. Beth Cooper Benjamin, Ed.D., is the director of research at
Mayan, where she serves as a vocal advocate for girls in the
Jewish communal world. She received her doctorate in Human
Development and Psychology from the Harvard University
Graduate School of Education and can be reached at beth@
mayan.org
This article was originally published by eJewish Philanthropy.
Reprinted by permission.
Sprucing up the modern simcha
Personal attention can make all the difference
DIANA BURMISTROVICH
I
f the words kosher catering conjure
up visions of bland and unhealthy
food, and memories of bar and
bat mitzvahs past still haunt you,
remember that planning your upcom-
ing simcha doesnt have to be a monot-
onous process full of seen-it-befores or
tried-that-onces. With the help of cre-
ative kosher catering professionals or
by simply looking within yourself
your special day can be one of a kind.
By including yourself in the process
of creating (not just planning) your sim-
cha, the event itself automatically cre-
ates a more personal feeling. One way
to do this is by making invitations by
hand, which allows control over color
scheme, font, and design; you can make
the invitation an extension of your cel-
ebrations theme or personal interests.
Imbuing the invitation with your per-
sonal style makes the atmosphere both
more memorable and more meaningful.
Rebecca Friedman of Farmers
Daughter Catering in Asheville, N.C.,
suggests crafting your own table cen-
terpieces as a way to infuse
personality into the events
ambiance. She also men-
tions that many clients
want to work with the party
planner, rather than allow-
ing the planner to have
total control.
Others may break from
the traditional style of rst
having a cocktail hour
and then a formal dinner
for weddings, or from having separate
meals for adults and kids.
When working with a client, I
always ask them what theyre envision-
ing with regards to the ow of the cel-
ebration, Ellen Vaknine, vice president
of sales and marketing for New York
Citys Espirit Events kosher caterer, says.
Ms. Vaknine notes that for simchas
being planned for 2014, she is seeing
more people opt for the extended cock-
tail [hour] with passed hors doeuvres
and stations, without having a formal
sit-down dinner. That way, children,
young adults, and adults
have the option of spend-
ing more time together, and
kids dont have to face the ubiquitous
schnitzel and pigs-in-a-blanket offered
at so many simchas.
Even for the parents who do choose
to have kid food, Ms. Vaknine suggests
updating the presentation with funky
touches. Soup can be served in eggshell
bowls, and kebob skewers can be made
from bamboo.
Customizing menus to include
todays culinary trends is another way
to modernize an event. Ms. Friedman
who specializes in catering using
only organic and local ingredients, and
Tiny ice cream sundaes make for passable treats
to save sit-down time at your simcha FARMERS
DAUGHTER CATERING. Soup shooters in egg shell bowls
from New York City kosher caterer Espirit Events.
ELLEN VAKNINE
typically provides farm-to-table food
options notes the growing trend in
using vegan, gluten-free, soy-free, and
dairy-free foods as part of the simcha
menu.
Although kosher food is some-
times unhealthy, it is slowly getting on
board with foods that are more environ-
mentally friendly and healthier, says
Ms. Friedman. Ive had a bride who
grew her own herbs and greens to incor-
porate into my catering menu. It took a
year in advance [to plan], but everyone
remembered that part.
Ms. Friedman suggests looking into
old family recipes that can be used as
part of the catering menu. That will cre-
ate a catering menu that many guests
havent seen before, and relatives will
enjoy the sentiment.
Whether it is through personaliz-
ing decorations or bypassing traditional
kosher fare, party planning doesnt have
to be dreaded and stressful. With just a
little bit of creativity, and by recognizing
exactly what you want for your special
day, you can make your dream simcha
a reality.
JNS.org
S-20 Jewish Standard, Jewish Community News, Rockland Jewish Standard WINTER 2014 BAR/BAT MITZVAH
B
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SE Jewish Media Full 1-24-14.indd 1 1/15/14 4:55 PM