love addiction

Can You Really Be Addicted to Being in Love?

By Annette Larsen, Executive Director, Agape Counseling, LTD

he desire to be in love is normal. Who doesnt love the excitement, the energy, the butterflies in the stomach feeling that a new relationship and new love can bring? But can people really become addicted to being in love?

The Brain in Love Romantic love is addicting. When we are newly in love, our brains are full of high levels of the reward chemical dopamine, which is why we feel euphoric or on top of the world. Norepinephrine is the chemical that is responsible for the sweaty palms, racing heart, and excitement we feel. Brain scans show that the love-stricken brain is similar to a brain high on cocaine and opiates. Most people realize that the initial feeling of a new love doesnt and cant last forever. In healthy, long-term relationships, the initial love eventually gives way to a more mature love. This love is usually less intoxicating and euphoric, but much more fulfilling and stable. While on the surface it appears love addicts are looking for love, in reality love isnt what is driving them. Real love requires intimacy, which requires a willingness to be vulnerable. Love addicts are scared of both. Instead, they are seeking the feeling, the intoxicating high, the butterflies or the fireworks that go along with a new relationship. What is Love Addiction? Love addiction is a disorder in which a person looks to another person to satisfy a hunger for security, identity, belonging, worthiness, validation, and meaning. They believe the person they are in love with can make them feel whole and happy and love them unconditionally. In reality, no one can provide all of these things; the expectations are unrealistic and what happens is their relationships typically end in disappointment. The love addict becomes emotionally and biologically dependent on this new person. This happens over time and can have a soothing effect on the brain, similar to alcohol. Like an addiction to alcohol and other drugs, a dependency on love can begin to feel like an unstable state in which a person begins to lose himself to the experience. This is when it may seem that the love addict is more in love with the idea of the other person, than the person himself. It is not uncommon for love addicts to have a history of childhood trauma, neglect, and/or abandonment. Many did not receive much nurturing, positive attention, or love while growing up. They often have a deep-seated fear of rejection and abandonment, as a result. Common Traits Following are some, but not all, common traits of a love addict. Appears to fall in love easily and frequently Goes to great lengths to avoid abandonment or rejection
Page 46 Healthy Cells Magazine Peoria February 2014

A pattern of serial dating or serial relationships Feelings of emptiness when alone  O ften has very dramatic and intense relationships that may fizzle out quickly Needs a relationship to feel happy and/or whole Confuses sex with love Quickly becomes depressed or despairing when a relationship ends Consequences As with all addictions, there are consequences for love addicts. The addiction can create serious problems in ones relationship with significant others, with friends, and family and can result in bouts of depression and anxiety. In more extreme cases, love addiction can lead to stalking behavior, self-harm, violence, suicide, and even homicide. Recovery and Treatment Healing is possible. The challenge is to move from addictive love to healthy belonging. The love addict can learn to love oneself and be an individual. Learning what healthy relationships look like and what it is to have realistic healthy boundaries in a relationship is key for the healing process. A love addict has to expand ways of getting ones needs met, developing a support system but also finding healthy activities/hobbies that are fulfilling is important. For many addicts, understanding that only God, not a person, can fulfill their every need and desire is paramount to the recovery process. As with any addiction, Individual counseling with a counselor trained in addiction work is most often necessary and group counseling is often recommended. Twelve step groups in the community are also available. Annette Larsen is a LCPC, CSAT, CMAT who practices at Agape Counseling, LTD in Bloomington, Illinois. She has a general practice and specializes in addiction related issues. Annette leads a group for women who struggle with sex, love, and romance addictions. For more information, call 309-663-2229 or go to www.agapecounselors.net. The Peoria office number is 309-692-4433. Agape Counseling, LTDF, is a group of Christian counselors, social workers, psychologists and support staff committed to a therapeutic process that ministers to the whole person. Their Peoria office is located at 2001 W. Willow Knolls, Suite 110. The Morton location is 75 E. Queenwood Road.
Sources upon request.