RELENTLESS Shattered Hearts #1 by Cassia Leo http://cassialeo.com First Smashwords Edition. Copyright 201 by Cassia Leo First Edition.

. !ll rights reser"ed. Co"er art by Sarah #ansen at $%ay Creations. &his eboo% is licensed 'or yo(r personal en)oyment only. &his eboo% may not be re*sold or gi"en away to other people. +' yo( wo(ld li%e to share this boo% with another person, please p(rchase an additional copy 'or each reader. +' yo(-re reading this boo% and did not p(rchase it, or it was not p(rchased 'or yo(r (se only, then please ret(rn to Smashwords.com and p(rchase yo(r own copy. &han% yo( 'or respecting the hard wor% o' this a(thor. !ll characters and e"ents appearing in this wor% are 'ictitio(s. !ny resemblance to real e"ents or persons, li"ing or dead, is p(rely coincidental. +S./*1 : 012*132104 213

+S./*10: 132104 213

Table of Contents
5edication !c%nowledgements $ther boo%s by Cassia Leo !bo(t the !(thor Copyright Chapter 1: 6elentless !ddiction Chapter 2: 6elentless 7emories Chapter : 6elentless 5estiny Chapter 3: 6elentless !m(sement Chapter 4: 6elentless 8(estions Chapter 9: 6elentless Scheming Chapter 1: 6elentless :ames Chapter 2: 6elentless Competition Chapter 0: 6elentless 5esire Chapter 10: 6elentless La(ghter Chapter 11: 6elentless :(ilt Chapter 12: 6elentless ;a"es Chapter 1 : 6elentless .ic%ering Chapter 13: 6elentless 5emands Chapter 14: 6elentless Secrets Chapter 19: 6elentless Signs Chapter 11: 6elentless 6e"elations Chapter 12: 6elentless Storm Chapter 10: 6elentless 7(sic Chapter 20: 6elentless 5ecisions Chapter 21: 6elentless #eartache Chapter 22: 6elentless Lo"e 6elentless <laylist =6elentless> =Sleepyhead>

For Chris. None of this would be possible without you.

Chapter One Relentless Addiction

Mom is too tired to play hide-and-seek. Her stomach hurts so she took some medicine to make it feel better. I dont like it when shes sick. Grandma atty doesnt know about Moms stomachaches and I ha!ent seen Grandma in a few weeks" but Im startin# to think I should tell her. Mom is asleep on the sofa$ at least" I think shes asleep. I cant really tell the difference anymore. %ometimes" when I think shes sleepin#" Ill try to sneak some cookies out of the cupboard. %he usually hears me and yells at me to #et out of the kitchen. %ometimes" she sleeps with her eyes half-open so I wa!e my hands in front of her eyes and make silly faces at her. %he ne!er wakes up and I always #et bored after a couple of minutes. Its no fun teasin# someone unless theres someone else around to lau#h" and its &ust Mom and me in this house. Her skinny arm is stretched out o!er the ed#e of the sofa cushion and I stare at the banda#e. Its too small to co!er that bi# sore. 'ne of those thin#s she calls an abscess opened last ni#ht while she was makin# me a #rilled cheese sandwich. %ome thick" brown stuff oo(ed out of her arm. It reminded me of the #la(e on maple donuts" but it didnt smell anythin# like a maple donut. )he whole kitchen smelled like stinky feet when she put her arm under the water in the sink. )hen she wrapped a billion paper towels around her arm and I had to eat a burnt sandwich. %he didnt want to #o to the doctor. %he said that if she #oes to the emer#ency room and shows them her arm the doctors mi#ht make her stay in the hospital for a lon# time. )hen Ill ha!e to li!e with people I dont know" people who mi#ht hurt me" until she #ets better. My mom lo!es me a lot. %he doesnt want anybody to hurt me the way she was hurt

when she was nine. Mom teaches me a lot. %he isnt &ust my mom$ shes my teacher. *hen she isnt sick" she teaches me math and spellin#" but my fa!orite sub&ect is science. I lo!e learnin# about the planets the most. I want to be an astronomer when I #row up. Mom said that I can be anythin# I want to be if I &ust keep readin# and learnin#. %o thats what I do when shes sick. I read. %hes been asleep for a lon# time today. I!e already read two chapters in my science book. Maybe I should try to wake her up. Im hun#ry. I can make myself some cereal+I am se!en+but Mom promised shed make me spa#hetti today. I slide off the recliner and land on the mashed bei#e carpet that Mom always says is too dirty for me to sit on. I take two steps until Im standin# &ust a few inches away from her face. Her skin looks weird" sort of #rayish-blue. ,Mom-. I whisper. ,Im hun#ry.. %omethin# smells like a toilet and I wonder if its the stinky abscess on her arm. I shake her shoulder a little and her head falls sideways. / #lob of thick" white li0uid spills from the corner of her mouth. &he memory dissol"es as someone calls my name. =Claire?> &he cash register comes into 'oc(s as the rich aroma o' espresso replaces the acrid stench in my memory. +-"e done it again. For the third time this wee%, +-"e spaced o(t while ta%ing someone-s order. &he last two c(stomers were (nderstanding, b(t this g(y in his )ap 'ut &*shirt and "eins b(lging o(t o' his smooth bald head loo%s li%e he-s ready to )(mp o"er the co(nter and either strangle me or get his own co''ee. =Sorry, abo(t that. ;hat was yo(r order?> =;a%e the '(c% (p, blondie. + as%ed 'or an !mericano with two Splendas. @es(s '(c%ing Christ. &here are people

with serio(s )obs who need to get to wor%.> + ta%e a deep breath, my 'ingers trembling, as + p(nch the order in on the to(chscreen. =;ill that be all?> .aldy rolls his eyes at me. =Aes, that-s all. Come on, come on. + gotta get the '(c% o(t o' here.> =#ey, ta%e it easy. She-s )(st trying to ta%e yo(r order,> says a "oice. + don-t loo% (p, b(t + can hear it came 'rom the bac% o' the line o' c(stomers. =+ already ga"e her my order three '(c%ing times,> .aldy bar%s o"er his sho(lder. =7ind yo(r own '(c%ing b(siness.> Linda comes (p 'rom behind me, placing a com'orting hand on my sho(lder as she sets the g(y-s !mericano on the co(nter neBt to the bag holding his m(ltigrain scone. She doesn-t say anything, b(t the nasty loo% she casts in his direction co(ld ma%e an (ltimate 'ighting champion piss his pants. Linda is the best boss in the world and one o' the many reasons + still wor% at 1eachcombers Caf2. !ll the other reasons + still wor% at one o' the tiniest ca'Cs in ;rights"ille .each ha"e to do mostly with my desire to disappear a'ter dropping o(t o' D/C Chapel #ill ten months ago. .(t that-s a whole other story. .aldy peels the lid o'' his co''ee, rolling his eyes as he peers into the c(p. =+ said + wanted room 'or cream. !re yo( all '(c%ing retarded?> .e'ore + co(ld reach 'or the c(p, a g(y in a s(it steps o(t o' line, grabs the c(p o'' the co(nter, and d(mps the entire contents into .aldy-s scone bag. ! lo(d collecti"e gasp echoes thro(gh the ca'C. =/ow yo(-"e got plenty o' room 'or cream,> the g(y says. + clap my hand o"er my mo(th to sti'le a la(gh as Linda scrambles to get some paper towels. &he rage in .aldy-s eyes is terri'ying. =Ao( mother'(c%erE> he roars as my white %night grins.

!nd what a seBy white %night he is. E"en in his pressed shirt and slac%s, he can-t be more than twenty*two. #e has an easygoing "ibe abo(t him, as i' he-d rather be s(r'ing than wearing a s(it at se"en in the morning. ;ith his s(n*%issed brown hair and the de"io(s gleam in his green eyes, he reminds me o' Leonardo 5iCaprio in one o' my 'a"orite mo"ies, )itanic. .aldy charges my @ac% 5awson, b(t @ac% swi'tly steps aside at the last moment. .aldy trips spectac(larly o"er a waist high display o' m(gs and co''ee beans. !ll siB people in the ca'C are now standing silent as .aldy spits c(rses at the crac%ed m(gs and spilled beans (nderneath him. + loo% at my white %night and he-s smiling at me, a snea%y hal'*smile, and + %now what he-s abo(t to do. .e'ore .aldy can get to his 'eet, @ac% drops a 'ew h(ndred*dollar bills on the co(nter. =For the damages.> #e win%s at me as he steps on .aldy-s bac% then h(rries toward the eBit with no co''ee, )(st a h(ge grin that ma%es e"erybody la(gh and cheer. #e gi"es (s a F(ic% bow, showing his appreciation to the crowd, and slips thro(gh the door as .aldy l(mbers to his 'eet. 7y gaGe 'ollows @ac% as he slides into his tr(c%, one o' the newer models that loo%s li%e something concei"ed in the wet dreams o' a ro(ghnec% and a Star ;ars gee%. #e p(lls o(t o' the par%ing lot and disappears down L(mina !"en(e. + ha"e a strong (rge to whisper, =+-ll ne"er let go, @ac%,> b(t +-m pretty good at %eeping my (rges to m(tter lines 'rom )itanic to mysel'H especially when there-s a siB*'oot*two Iroided o(t 'rea% staring me down. Something snaps inside me as + remember what started this whole 'iasco. + step aside so Linda can ta%e o"er and + s%itter away thro(gh the swinging door into the stoc%room. + (n'old a metal chair and sit down neBt to a small des% where Linda does the sched(ling. <(lling my legs (p, + sit cross*legged on the chair, place my hands on my %nees, and close my eyes. +

ta%e a long, deep breath, 'oc(sing on nothing b(t the oBygen as it enters my l(ngs. + let the breath o(t slowly. ! 'ew more deep breaths and the whole incident in the ca'C ne"er happened. Some people are addicted to heroin. $thers are addicted to co''ee. +-m addicted to meditation. /o, not medication. 7editation. 7editation doesn-t )(st relaB meH it helps me 'orget. +t-s li%e a 'riend yo( can co(nt on to say )(st the right thing at the right time when that thing yo( want them to say is nothing. 7editation is the 'riend who inter"enes when yo(-re abo(t to say or do something "ery st(pid. Li%e three months ago, when meditation sa"ed me 'rom ta%ing my own li'e a'ter + realiGed + had become my mother.

Chapter Two Relentless Memories

+ ha"en-t been to a party with my best 'riend Aesenia /a"arro in ten months. &he last time was the #alloween bash at @oey /assa(-s ho(se where + got st(c% tal%ing to @oey-s thirty*something co(sin who spent three ho(rs attempting to con"ince me to go bac% to school. + want to go to tonight-s party at !nnabelle 7eGGa-s ho(se abo(t as m(ch as + want to eat a spoon'(l o' cinnamon. &onight-s party will be pac%ed with all the people + ha"e been s(ccess'(lly a"oiding 'or ten months. =+-ll be "elcroed to yo(r side the whole night,> Senia ass(res me as + gather my p(rse and a bottle o' water 'rom the %itchen co(nter. Senia thin%s +-m a 'rea% beca(se + ne"er lea"e the ho(se witho(t at least one bottle o' water. +-"e spent eno(gh time a"oiding the "ario(s other s(bstances my mother ab(sed. She co(ld hardly call an addiction to water and meditating a bad thing. &his doesn-t stop her 'rom trying. !nd tr(e to best 'riend 'orm, e"ery day when she comes home 'rom wor% she still brings me a siB*pac% o' my dr(g o' choice. &o say that + lo"e li"ing with my best 'riend wo(ld be a h(ge (nderstatement. =;hate"er,> + m(tter. =+t-s )(st down the street. +-ll wal% home i' things get too (ncom'ortable.> =Spea%ing o' (ncom'ortable.> Senia coc%s an eyebrow as she eBamines my o(t'it: 'aded s%inny )eans, a plain white tan% top, a green hoodie that-s three siGes too big, and a 'i"e* year*old pair o' blac% Con"erse. =+s that what yo(-re wearing?> Senia co(ld be a s(permodel with her per'ectly tanned s%in, dar% to(sled hair, and spot*on 'ashion sense. !t 'i"e* ten, she towers o"er my 'i"e*'oot*siB 'rame in her 'o(r*inch

heels. She has the per'ect b(tton nose and '(ll lips that +-"e always dreamed o' ha"ing. 7y blonde hair is too thin, my nose is too small, and my (pper lip is too big. Senia says it gi"es me a seBy po(t, b(t she only says that to ma%e me 'eel better. +-m a"erage and +-"e learned to not only accept it, + embrace it. =5on-t ma%e me say it,> + reply as + (nscrew the cap on the bottle o' water and ta%e a swig. She holds (p her hand to stop me. =<lease don-t. !nd, by the way, that has to be the worst motto e"er adopted by any person e"er in the history o' all man%ind.> + p(ll my %eys o(t o' my p(rse to loc% the 'ront door as we ma%e o(r way o(t o' the apartment. =Ao( might be eBaggerating )(st a little bit.> #er heels clic% against the pa"ement and + inhale a h(ge breath o' briny ocean breeGe as we wal% to the co"ered par%ing spot where Senia %eeps her new blac% Ford Foc(s. She isn-t rolling in cash, b(t her parents ma%e pretty good money with the real*estate company where their entire 'amily wor%s. She wor%s in one o' their satellite o''ices in ;ilmington while the rest o' the 'amily wor%s at the main o''ice in 6aleigh. #er parents pay her hal' o' the rent on o(r apartment, her entire D/C t(ition, and she gets a new car e"ery two years on her birthday. /othing 'ancy, b(t new. =+ get it,> Senia says as she deacti"ates her car alarm and we slide into o(r seats. =Ao( don-t want to be a shallow, "ac(o(s piece o' shit li%e @oanie &ipton. .(t that doesn-t mean that yo( ha"e to dress 'or a party li%e yo(-re going to wor% on a '(c%ing constr(ction site.> =#ey, + resent that. + le't my tool belt at home this time,> + tease her and she rolls her eyes as she t(rns on the stereo to her 'a"orite E57 station. !n Ellie :o(lding dance miB blasts thro(gh the spea%ers and Senia immediately begins bobbing her head as she p(lls the car o(t o' the par%ing space. She mane("ers her

car aro(nd the mo"ing tr(c% that-s hal'*bloc%ing the eBit o(t o' the compleB. Cora, o(r eighty*siB*year*old landlord, m(st ha"e 'inally 'o(nd a tenant 'or the (pstairs apartment. =ClaireE> Senia sho(ts as she p(lls onto L(mina. =Ao( need to renew yo(r dri"er-s licenseE> =SeniaE + li"e 'o(r h(ndred 'eet 'rom where + wor% and + don-t ha"e a car. + don-t need a dri"er-s license )(st so + can be yo(r designated dri"er.> + sold my car when + mo"ed to ;rights"ille .each two and a hal' months ago to pay 'or the 'irst and last month-s rent on my apartment. Senia mo"ed in three wee%s later, once the semester ended. She claimed she did it so we co(ld spend the s(mmer together on the hottest s(r' beach on the East Coast, b(t + %now it-s so she can help me with the rent 'or a 'ew months. &he s(mmer is hal'way o"er now and she-ll be mo"ing bac% in with her parents in a month to go bac% to D/C. +' + don-t 'ind another roommate or con"ince Linda to gi"e me more ho(rs at the ca'C, + may be homeless in siB monthsJ'or the third time in my li'e. !s soon as Senia p(lls (p in 'ront o' !nnabelle-s parents- beach ho(se, + smell the beer and hear the la(ghter. 7y chest tightens. + 'oc(s my eyes on the water bottle in my hand, 'orcing mysel' to thin% o' nothing else as + breathe deeply and slowly. Senia is F(iet as she waits 'or me. She-s (sed to my coping mechanisms. &he edges o' my "ision bl(r and e"erything b(t the bottle disappears. + thin% abo(t how water is the essential element 'or li'e to 'lo(rish. + thin% o' how it soothes and carries (s, cleanses and F(enches (s. + imagine the water washing away e"ery worry, e"ery do(bt abo(t tonight and carrying it away to a clear, tranF(il sea. + close my eyes and ta%e one 'inal deep breath as my m(scles go slac% and +-m completely relaBed. + nod once and reach 'or the door handle. =$%ay. Let-s do this.>

=+ don-t %now how yo( do that, b(t it-s %ind o' creepy and inspiring all at once.> Senia and + stroll (p the wal%way arm*in*arm past the l(sh s(mmer garden toward the bl(e, two*story clapboard beach ho(se. + spot a gro(p o' 'i"e g(ys standing on the porch with red Solo c(ps and cigarettes cl(tched in their hands. From his pro'ile, + recogniGe the short +ndian g(y leaning against the porch railing. #e was in the sophomore Comp Lit class + dropped o(t o' last $ctober. + t(rn my head slightly as Senia and + climb the steps to the 'ront door, hoping none o' them will recogniGe me. Senia p(lls open the sF(ea%y screen door and + cho%e on the sweet smell o' alcohol and per'(me. ;e step '(rther inside and the 'irst thing + see is a gathering o' a doGen or so people h(ddled aro(nd the so'a where a g(y with a g(itar is playing and singing a @ason 7raG song. &his memory is too strong to 'ight. I walk throu#h the tall door into my ninth and final foster home. /s luck would ha!e it" the woman I called Grandma atty ei#ht years a#o was actually &ust a nei#hbor. I had no family to take me in after my mother died. Im only fifteen" but Im already more &aded and cynical than my forty-somethin# caseworker. %he flat out told me that this would be my last placement. If I screw this one up" Ill be sent to a halfway house until I turn si3teen in four months. )he moment I step into the li!in# room" I know Ill be seein# the inside of that halfway house soon. )hree #uys sit around a coffee table" two of them on the sofa and one cross-le##ed on the floor with a #uitar in his lap. )he one with the #uitar wears a #ray beanie and his dark hair falls around his face in &a##ed wisps. Hes hummin# a tune I reco#ni(e as a 1eatles son# my mom used to play whene!er she cleaned the house4 ,I *ant 5ou.. )he thud of my backpack hittin# the floor #ets his attention and he looks strai#ht into my eyes. ,/re you

Claire-. he asks. His !oice is smooth with &ust a touch of a rasp. I nod and he immediately sets his #uitar down on the floor in front of him. My body tenses as he walks toward me +as my ,trainin#. kicks in. )he reason I!e been in and out of foster homes for the past ei#ht years since my mom '6d is because of e!erythin# she tau#ht me. From as far back as I can remember" my mother tau#ht me ne!er to trust men or boys. %he was so honest and candid with me about the thin#s her uncle did to her from the time she was nine until she was fourteen. %he told me all the thin#s to look out for" all the promises these predators would make. )he most important thin# to remember" she told me" was to ne!er let them think you were a !ictim because that was when they pounced. I followed my moms ad!ice for ei#ht years and I hadnt been so much as hu##ed the wron# way. Id kept myself safe" but only by #ettin# myself kicked out of e!ery foster home at the sli#htest hint that someone mi#ht see me as prey. )his #uy in the beanie doesnt look like a predator" but looks can be decei!in#. He #rabs the handle of my backpack and nods toward the stairs. ,Im Chris. Ill take you to your room.. Senia sha%es my arm and the li"ing room comes bac% into 'oc(s. =!re yo( o%ay?> + nod F(ic%ly and she gi"es me a tight smile. She %nows what )(st happened, b(t she-s willing to shr(g it o'' beca(se she %nows that-s eBactly what + need tonight. /o long tal%s abo(t getting o"er the past or seeing a shrin%. <eople ha"e end(red 'ar worse than + ha"e. &here-s de"astating 'amine and wars being waged across the globe. + ha"e nothing to complain abo(tJeBcept the 'act that + really don-t want to be here tonight. + spend the entire night hiding my 'ace e"ery time someone + recogniGe enters the room or eBplaining how +

dropped o(t beca(se + co(ldn-t pay my st(dent loans. /o one here %nows the tr(th. &he one smart thing + did last year was drop o(t be'ore word co(ld spread aro(nd camp(s. !t twenty min(tes past midnight, @oanie &ipton 'inally enters the li"ing room and casts a laGy smile in my direction, and now it-s time to lea"e. @oanie is the only person here, besides Senia, who %nows why + dropped o(t. + had to beg @oanie, on my %nees, not to tell anybody. +t was the second most h(miliating moment o' my li'e. + grab Senia-s arm and whisper into her ear, =5on-t loo% now. 7r. @ones )(st arri"ed. + ha"e to get o(t o' here.> 7r. @ones is the nic%name Senia ga"e @oanie a'ter she got a chin implant the s(mmer be'ore o(r sophomore year and we decided she now loo%s li%e a trans"estite "ersion o' .ridget @ones. She e"en has 6enee Kellweger-s scr(nched eyes. +t wo(ld be '(nnier i' she didn-t hold my secret in her French*manic(red hands. =+-ll ta%e yo( home,> she whispers bac% and + sha%e my head adamantly. =/oE +-m )(st going to sleep. Ao( don-t need to come home 'or that. +-ll wal%.> #er eyebrows '(rrow and she nods. =.rea%ing all the r(les tonight, h(h?> She-s re'erring to the 'act that + ne"er wal% the streets alone at night. =+ %now yo(-re sleeping in so + g(ess +-ll see yo( when + get bac% on 7onday. Lo"e yo(.> + %iss the top o' her head as + rise 'rom the so'a and scoot past her. + glare at @oanie 'rom across the room as + lea"e, tho(gh she isn-t loo%ing at me. She-s already engaged in a 'lirtation with a g(y who-s at least ten years older than (s. :od, + wish + had a secret on her. + d(c% o(t o' the ho(se and pretend to ad)(st my bangs as + pass a co(ple ma%ing o(t neBt to a car in the dri"eway. &he last thing + need is to be recogniGed as +-m lea"ing. !s soon as +-m o(t o' the co(ple-s line o' sight, + pic% (p my pace. $(r apartment is only two and a hal' bloc%s away. &he

only reason Senia dro"e here is beca(se o' her monstro(s heels. + r(sh o(t into the crosswal%, eager to get away 'rom the partyJand the memories. + don-t see the headlights (ntil it-s too late.

Chapter Three Relentless estin!

&he tires sF(eal, s%idding across the asphalt as the tr(c% pl(nges toward me. +-m 'roGen as + wait 'or the impact. + close my eyes and the 'irst and only tho(ght that crosses my mind is that this was ine"itable. +-m 'inally being p(nished 'or my sins. &he sF(ealing stops and my nose 'ills with the stench o' b(rnt r(bber. + open my eyes as + 'eel the heat o' the engine against my arm. &he grille o' the tr(c% is inches away 'rom me and a clo(d o' smo%e s(rro(nds the 'ront o' the tr(c%. + hear a car door opening, b(t + can-t see anyone approaching thro(gh the smo%e (ntil he-s right in 'ront o' me, @ac% 5awson. =!re yo( all right?> he as%s. +-m sha%ing with adrenaline, b(t + don-t ha"e a scratch on me. + nod and he grabs my arms. =Ao( loo% li%e yo(-re in shoc%. + sho(ld ta%e yo( to the hospital.> =/oE> + sho(t as + shr(g my arms o(t o' his grasp. =+-m 'ine. + )(st want to go home.> =+-ll ta%e yo(.> =Ao( almost %illed meE> #e lets o(t a sheepish ch(c%le and it in'(riates me. =;hich is why yo( sho(ld let me ta%e yo( home, so yo( don-t step in 'ront o' any more mo"ing "ehicles.> =Ao( thin% it-s '(nny that yo( almost m(rdered me?> =+t wo(ld ha"e been mansla(ghter. !nd, hey, + sa"ed yo( 'rom that Iroid )(n%ie this morning. + g(ess this balances that o(t. /ow e"erything is right with the (ni"erse.> + c(rl my lip in disg(st and he smiles as he nods toward the cabin o' the tr(c%. =Come on. +-"e already tried to mansla(ghter yo( once tonight. + promise + won-t try again 'or at least another twel"e ho(rs. Ao(-re sa'e 'or now.>

+ roll my eyes as + wal% toward the passenger door. #e s%ips a'ter me and opens the door 'or me to climb in. + step into the tr(c%, (sing the handgrip to p(ll mysel' (p, and bo(nce down into the seat. +t smells li%e the cocon(t*scented s(nbloc% +-"e had to p(rchase by the case since mo"ing to ;rights"ille .each. #e sh(ts the door and + 'linch, still )(mpy 'rom nearly being mowed down by this monster. #e slides into the dri"er-s seat, b(t his hands ma%e no mo"e 'or the ignition. =;hy were yo( r(nning across the street in the middle o' the night witho(t loo%ing both ways?> =+ was )(st wal%ing home 'rom a party. Can we go now?> =! party? !re yo( dr(n%?> =+ don-t drin%.> #e coc%s an eyebrow as he st(dies me, as i' his gaGe is the eF(i"alent o' a .reathalyGer test. =#ey, +-m not going to s(e yo(, i' that-s what yo(-re worried abo(t.> =+-m not worried.> 7#h. &his g(y is annoyingly coc%y. =Let me ta%e yo( to l(nch today to ma%e (p 'or almost %illing yo(.> + t(rn to loo% thro(gh the rear window o' the tr(c%. ;here are all the cars? /ot that this street is eBactly b(GGing past midnight, b(t +-m beginning to thin% +-m ne"er going to get home i' someone doesn-t come along and 'orce him o(t o' this intersection. =+-m sleeping in today.> #e tilts his head inF(isiti"ely. =;hat do yo( mean by sleeping in?> =+ mean c(rtains drawn, eye mas% on, electronic de"ices switched o''. 5ead to the world sleeping in,> + say as + p(ll the ho(se %eys o(t o' my p(rse and set the p(rse on the 'loor neBt to my 'eet. =So(nds serio(s.>

=Sleep is serio(s.> =;hat are yo( some %ind o' health n(t?> =+ li%e getting my rest a'ter a night o' partying.> =Ao( )(st said yo( weren-t drin%ing.> =!re yo( going to %eep as%ing me F(estions or are yo( going to ta%e me home? ICa(se + can wal%.> #e smiles as he t(rns the %ey in the ignition and p(lls the tr(c% 'orward. =Cora was right abo(t yo(,> he says, then reaches across the console and sha%es my %nee. + slap his hand away, accidentally )abbing him with the %eys in my hand. =#ey, there-s this thing called personal space. !nd how do yo( %now Cora?> =+ don-t belie"e in personal space. Separateness is an ill(sion. ;e are all connected.> #e t(rns to me and 'lashes me a c(nning smile as he p(lls into my apartment compleB. =;elcome home.> &here is only one way he wo(ld %now where + li"e and also %now Cora. =Ao(-re the new tenant?> #e contin(es to grin as he g(ides his tr(c% into the par%ing space neBt to Senia-s empty space and %ills the engine. ! million sarcastic remar%s abo(t li"ing (nderneath the person who nearly m(rdered me whiG thro(gh my brain, b(t + %eep them to mysel'. +' there-s one thing + hate it-s getting on bad terms with a neighbor. + ne"er had neighbors growing (p in the middle o' nowhere with my mom. ;hen + stayed with Senia 'or a 'ew months a'ter dropping o(t, + co(ldn-t belie"e how 'riendly her 'amily was with their neighbors. &hey ha"e parties almost e"ery wee%end together. Cora has practically become a s(rrogate grandmother to me. &he least + can do is show her new tenant some co(rtesy. =;ell, then, welcome home to yo(, too,> + say, determined not to let o(r neighborly relationship get any more aw%ward. #e glances down at the steering wheel, (nimpressed

with my attempt at easing the tension. =5on-t yo( want to %now what Cora said abo(t yo(?> + open the car door and slide o(t o' the tr(c%, letting o(t a small gr(nt as + land on the pa"ement. =/ope. + thin% +-ll let Cora tell me hersel'. :oodnightL.> =!dam,> he says. =+-ll tell yo( my last name at l(nch.> + slam the tr(c% door and stomp o'' toward my 'ront door, which is less than a h(ndred 'eet away, right beneath !dam-s 'ront door. +-m a 'ew 'eet away 'rom the door when + hear his tr(c% door slam sh(t. #e-s not chasing a'ter me. For some reason +-m both relie"ed and disappointed by this. + t(rn the %ey in the loc% and F(ic%ly slip inside be'ore he can reach the staircase leading to his apartment. + slam the 'ront door sh(t and let o(t a deep sigh as + lean bac% against the cool s(r'ace o' the door. &he apartment is sti'lingly hot and smells li%e the day*old m(''ins + bro(ght home 'rom wor% this a'ternoon, b(t it 'eels sa'e. &he %noc% on the door startles me and + immediately go into de'ensi"e*mode. ;ho the hell does this g(y thin% he is, almost r(nning me o"er, ass(ming we-re going on a l(nch date, then %noc%ing on my door at nearly one a.m.? + yan% open the door, ready to rip him apart, when + see my p(rse dangling 'rom his 'inger. + grab it and +-m abo(t to slam the door be'ore + remember Cora. She wo(ld be de"astated i' she %new her new tenant and + were already on bad terms. Cora-s h(sband died siB years ago and her 'amily li"es almost three tho(sand miles away in +daho. She ne"er lea"es the ho(se and her caregi"er is a bit stando''ish, so her tenants are all she has. &he single mom who li"ed (pstairs got remarried and mo"ed o(t right be'ore + mo"ed in. &he (pstairs apartment has been empty 'or 'o(r months. Cora m(st be ecstatic to ha"e a new tenant and some eBtra income. !nd +-m ecstatic + won-t ha"e to catch her eating cat 'ood straight 'rom the can anymore.

=&han%s,> + m(tter as he grips the doorway and leans into my personal space, b(t + hold my gro(nd e"en tho(gh he-s ma%ing me more (ncom'ortable than + 'elt at the party. =Ao(-re welcome, Claire. Can + come in?> ! g(st o' la(ghter escapes my lips as + ta%e a step bac%. =5oes that (s(ally wor% 'or yo(?> #e shr(gs. =Ds(ally, yes, it does.> =/o, yo( can-t come in. +-m going to bed. :oodnight, !dam.> + p(sh the door closed and he stic%s his 'oot on the threshold to stop it. =+-ll be bac% at two o-cloc% to ta%e yo( to l(nch. +s that late eno(gh or do yo( plan on sleeping all a'ternoon?> =:oodnight, !dam.> 5ou persistent" se3y little shit8 + p(sh the door closed and immediately loc% the deadbolt. Snatching a bottle o' cold water o(t o' the 'ridge, + drin% hal' o' it be'ore + change into an o"ersiGed t*shirt and slide (nder my com'orter. + stare at the ceiling 'or a moment be'ore another memory plays o(t in 'ront o' me li%e a home mo"ie. Chris sets my backpack down on the floor in a plain bedroom with a teddy bear wallpaper border. Im used to sleepin# in bedrooms decorated like a toddlers playroom so I dont e!en flinch. ,My mom wouldnt let me take that stupid border down". he says" liftin# his chin toward the ceilin# as he di#s his hands into the pockets of his &eans. )hats when I see the thin nose rin# that dan#les from his septum. ,I dont care about the wallpaper. I &ust want to #o to sleep.. His lip 0uirks up in confusion. ,Its three oclock.. ,I ha!ent slept. I #ot kicked out last ni#ht and I spent the ni#ht at the police station. I refuse to sleep in the presence of stran#ers..

,/fraid someone will shank you in your sleep-. He smiles and I notice another piercin# in his ton#ue. )his #uy thinks hes so fuckin# cool. ,Im not ha!in# se3 with you". I declare. ,*hat the fuck are you talkin# about-. ,I see the way youre lookin# at me.. ,5eah" all ri#ht. I #uess Ill let you sleep and maybe when you wake up youll chill the fuck out and reali(e that &ust because someones nice to you it doesnt mean they want to fuck you.. &he shadows on the ceiling bl(r into dar%ness. + grab my cell phone and the eye mas% 'rom my nightstand, power o'' the phone, and slide the mas% o"er my head so it rests on my 'orehead. + ne"er set my alarm when +-m not wor%ing. + cherish the days + get to sleep in. +' someone created a religion dedicated to celebrating sleep, + wo(ld be the 'irst congregant. + groan as + t(rn o"er in my bed and set the alarm cloc% on my nightstand to noon. &he things + do 'or Cora.

Chapter "o#r Relentless Am#sement

;hen + wa%e (p, Senia is gone. + ne"er heard her come in while + was sleeping. She-s per'ected her catli%e prowl so as not to wa%e me (p when she comes in late. + ta%e a shower then dress into some s%inny )eans and a &*shirt + bo(ght at the s(r' shop neBt to the ca'C. + slip on some r(bber 'lip*'lops and grab a bottle o' water 'rom the 'ridge )(st as the 'irst %noc% comes at the door. =ComingE> + sho(t as + grab my p(rse then g(GGle the entire bottle o' water. + open the door and !dam is standing with his bac% to me, staring at Cora-s 'ront door across 'rom mine. E"en the bac% o' him is gorgeo(s. #is &*shirt is stretched )(st a bit ta(t o"er his broad sho(lders and his s%in is so smooth and tanned. =;here we lo"e is home,> he says, reading the wooden plaF(e with the chipped bl(e paint hanging on Cora-s 'ront door. =+t-s a F(ote,> + say as + step o(tside and p(ll the door closed. =+ ga"e it to her 'or her birthday.> =#ome that o(r 'eet may lea"e, b(t not o(r hearts,> he says, 'inishing the F(ote. =+ %new yo(-d be awa%e.> 7y breath hitches as he t(rns aro(nd and 'lashes me a so't smile. #e loo%s so good with his sandy*brown hair styled in a calc(latedly messy 'a(B*haw% and his lean m(sc(lar body towering o"er me. #is hands are t(c%ed into the poc%et o' his cargo shorts as he gaGes at me waiting 'or my response. =5o yo( read poetry?> + as%, ignoring his in'(riating certainty abo(t me being awa%e and waiting 'or him. =;hen it was reF(ired in college, yes. L(c%ily, + grad(ated in 7ay, so +-m no longer s(b)ect to s(ch c(lt(ral

annoyances.> =<oetry is a c(lt(ral annoyance?> #e smiles beca(se he thin%s he-s aggra"ated me. =;hen do you grad(ate?> he as%s, and it seems we-re both ignoring each other. +t-s an innocent F(estion, b(t the answer has the possibility o' opening (p the con"ersation to more di''ic(lt F(estions. + don-t need to tell this g(y that + dropped o(t. #e-s probably going to ta%e me o(t to l(nch, 'lirt a little, then try to get into my pants, a'ter which + will tell him to get lost and we-ll contin(e being co(rteo(s neighbors who ne"er really spea% to each other. $r, maybe, )(st beca(se he-s being nice it doesn-t mean he wants to '(c% me. =+ don-t go to school. + wor%,> + reply, and immediately begin wal%ing to the carports. #e-s gl(ed to my side as we cross the dri"eway toward his tr(c%. =Ao( li%e poetry and wor% at a ca'C, b(t yo( don-t go to school. !re yo( some %ind o' str(ggling artist?> =Ao(-re a nosy little bastard.> #e ch(c%les as he deacti"ates his car alarm. =+t-s called getting to %now each other. &hat-s what people do on a 'irst date.> #e opens the door 'or me and + loo% (p into his gorgeo(s green eyes. =&his isn-t a date. +t-s a 'riendly l(nch with a neighbor.> =&he neighbor who almost %illed yo(,> he reminds me. =! little masochistic, don-t yo( thin%?> 7#h8 *hat a cocky little shit. + climb into the tr(c% and loo% straight ahead, ignoring him (ntil he 'inally closes the door. + need to meditate, b(t this g(y doesn-t %now anything abo(t that yet and +-d pre'er to %eep it that way. 7aybe + can )(st "is(aliGe him na%ed to ease the tension. /o, that wo(ld de'initely not wor% in this sit(ation. #e slides into the dri"er-s seat and stares at the steering

wheel 'or a second as i' he-s F(estioning his approach. =$%ay, let-s start o"er. #ow abo(t we )(st 'orget abo(t what happened at the ca'C and what almost happened on the street last night.> =!nd what yo( )(st said?> =!nd what + )(st said. ;hat do yo( say? Can we start o"er?> #is mo(th hangs open a little as he awaits my answer and + ha"e to %eep mysel' 'rom imagining what it wo(ld be li%e to s(c% on his lower lip. + ta%e a deep breath to clear away this image. =Claire /iBon,> + say, holding o(t my hand. #e ta%es my hand and immediately brings it to his lips, laying a so't %iss on the bac% o' my 'ingers. =!dam <ar%er, yo(r new neighbor, at yo(r ser"ice.> + attempt not to roll my eyes as + p(ll my hand bac%, trying to ignore the way my heart is thr(mming in my ears. =&hat-s c(te.> =+-m serio(s. !nything yo( need, +-m happy to help. Lea%y 'a(cet, b(rned o(t light b(lb,> he pa(ses to wiggle his eyebrows, =anything at all.> =;ow. Ao( are not predictable at all,> + say, reaching 'or the door handle. =!nd +-"e s(ddenly lost my appetite.> #e throws himsel' across me and grabs my hand. =;aitE +-m sorry. &hat was o(t o' line. +-m being a total do(che. + %now. @(st gi"e me one more chance. + swear + won-t '(c% it (p.> #is hand is on mine and his 'ace is inches away as he leans across my lap. #e smells a little minty and a little woodsy as his heat slams into me. + 'oc(s on breathing as + watch his eyes s%im down my 'ace and land on my mo(th. &here-s no 'ighting it as my gaGe 'alls on his lipsH those so't, %issable lips he pressed against my hand )(st a second ago. =;hat is yo(r deal?> + as%, sliding my hand o(t 'rom (nderneath his. =;hy are yo( so intent on ta%ing me to

l(nch? +-m 'ine. Ao( don-t need to %eep apologiGing 'or nearly r(nning me o"er.> #e sits (p and r(''les his hair be'ore he answers. =+ act(ally went to the ca'C yesterday to meet yo(. + saw yo( last wee% when + came to sign the rental agreement. ;hen + as%ed Cora abo(t yo(, what she said intrig(ed me.> =;hat did she say?> =+ tho(ght yo( wanted to as% Cora yo(rsel'?> + glare at him and he smiles. =She said yo( were single.> =!nd?> =!nd she said yo( were the sweetest girl she-s e"er %nown.> =!nd?> #e sighs, loo%ing (ncom'ortable 'or once and +-m glad +-m 'inally able to crac% thro(gh that sm(g disposition o' his. =;hat did she say?> + demand. =She said yo( might want to be my 'riend.> =.e yo(r friend?> =+ don-t %now anybody aro(nd here and Cora was concerned that a 0uote Iyo(ng man li%e yo( might get yo(rsel' into some tro(ble witho(t a nice girl aro(nd.-> + can-t help b(t smile. &hat so(nds eBactly li%e something Cora wo(ld say. She grew (p in 7innesota and is still "ery old*'ashioned abo(t some things. +-"e only been on one date since + mo"ed into this apartment two and a hal' months ago. &he instant my date bro(ght me home, + glimpsed Cora pee%ing thro(gh her blinds to ma%e s(re + wasn-t in"iting him into my apartment. + lo"e Cora, b(t she can be a bit nosy and meddlesome. =So yo(-re )(st 'ollowing Cora-s ad"ice. ;ell, let me sa"e yo( the tro(ble. +-ll go bac% inside and yo( can tell Cora that we went o(t to l(nch and had a really nice time. !nd +-ll go bac% to sleep. &hen we all get what we want.> =&hat-s not what + want.>

#e loo%s me in the eye and + can-t help b(t mar"el at his 'eat(res: his per'ect lips, the straight slope o' his nose, the intense glare. #e co(ld be on the co"er o' G9 magaGine and tho(sands o' girls and g(ys wo(ld drool in the chec%o(t lane. =;hat do yo( want?> + as%, wishing + had bro(ght a bottle o' water beca(se my mo(th has s(ddenly gone dry. =+ want to be yo(r 'riend. !nd + want to ta%e yo( to get a '(c%ing b(rger.> =;ell, when yo( p(t it that way, how can a girl resist.> #e sha%es my %nee, )(st the way he did in the tr(c% last night, b(t this time + don-t complain abo(t personal space. &his time + %ind o' li%e it. #e p(lls o(t o' the apartment compleB onto L(mina and heads in the direction o' @ohnnie 7ercer-s <ier. 7y body is s(ddenly Ginging with ner"es. &his 'eels li%e a date, b(t he said he wants to be my 'riend. + despise (ncertainty. + pre'er being (p'ront and honest abo(t e"erythingJeBcept my reasons 'or dropping o(t, o' co(rse. / #irl is allowed to keep one bi# secret. Cora told me this the day + mo"ed in a'ter as%ing why + had mo"ed all the way to ;rights"ille .each 'rom 6aleigh. + told her, )o%ingly, +-d mo"ed here to see i' the ocean co(ld cleanse my sin. &hat-s when she told me, F(ite serio(sly, that + was allowed to %eep one big secret. For some reason, hearing those words 'rom Cora changed something inside me. &he tr(th was that + had come to ;rights"ille .each to disappear, possibly 'ore"er. !'ter that con"ersation with Cora, + loo%ed (p yoga and meditation st(dios. &hen a c(stomer at the ca'C recommended the 'emale s(r'er who owned the shop neBt door. Fallon ta(ght me a 'ew basic meditation techniF(es and that was it. + was hoo%ed. ;hen + meditate, + become someone better. +-m not this person who-s made a million mista%esH the %ind o' mista%es

that will ha(nt me 'or a li'etime. +-m not the person who sho(ld be lashed 'or all the aw'(l, sel'ish decisions +-"e made o"er the last year since he le't. ;hen + meditate, +-m the new Claire. !nd today that-s who +-ll be with !dam. =Ao(-re F(iet,> he says as he p(lls the tr(c% into the pier par%ing lot. =!re yo( ta%ing me to l(nch at .(ddy-s? ICa(se +-m allergic to shell'ish. + can-t e"en go in there witho(t my throat closing.> =$h, shit. Sorry. + didn-t %now that.> #e loo%s o"er his sho(lder to see i' it-s sa'e to 'lip a D*t(rn o(t o' the par%ing lot. =;here do yo( want to go?> =+-m only %idding, b(t + had .(ddy-s a co(ple o' days ago. Can we go somewhere else?> #e p(lls bac% o(t onto L(mina and sha%es his head. =$h, yo( thin% that-s '(nny, ma%ing me thin% +-m abo(t to %ill yo( 'or the second time.> + shr(g as he t(rns the tr(c% aro(nd and heads bac% toward o(r apartment. =!ll right, )o%ester, +-"e got one 'or yo(. ;hy are E.&.-s eyes so big?> =5(h. .eca(se he saw the phone bill. <lease, +-"e heard that one a billion times.> =$%ay, what did the pony say when he had a sore throat?> #e pa(ses 'or a moment then says, =+ apologiGe. +-m a little horse.> =!re yo( ten years old?> #e la(ghs and + can-t help b(t smile as + sha%e my head. =+-"e got some better )o%es, b(t + li%e to start with the clean ones.> =&han%s. + appreciate that.> + want to as% him what he does 'or a li"ing, b(t +-m a'raid that will lead into what he went to school 'or. &hen that will lead bac% to why + dropped o(t. + try to thin% o' a nonstandard date F(estion, b(t my head 'eels all clo(dy )(st 'rom being near him and +-m ha"ing a hard time 'oc(sing. #e p(lls into o(r apartment compleB a 'ew min(tes later

and par%s his car. =Ao(-"e probably been to all the resta(rants aro(nd here a million times. +-m going to ma%e yo( some l(nch.> =;ow. Ao( don-t waste any time, do yo(?> #e throws open his door and glances o"er his sho(lder at me. =+ said + wanted to be yo(r 'riend, Claire. + ha"e no intention o' trying to sleep with yo(.> +-m not s(re + totally b(y that, b(t +-ll go along with it. +-m star"ing. =+' this is )(st a 'riendly thing, can + in"ite Cora?> + as% as we cross the dri"eway. =Ao(-re going to ma%e her wal% (p all those stairs?> =$h, right.> ;ell, there goes my big plan to (se Cora as a b(''er. 7y stomach tightens more with each step and + begin to shi"er the moment + see the stairs. #e climbs a 'ew steps and t(rns aro(nd when he doesn-t hear me behind him. =!re yo( coming? + promise to be good.> #e win%s as he says this and + can-t belie"e the ner"e o' this g(y. ;hat-s worse is that + 'eel drawn to him. + want to 'ollow him into his apartment. =Ao(-re not going to poison me, are yo(?> =+-m going to poison yo( with my charm, b(t only i' yo( %eep stalling. Come on.> + ta%e the 'irst step and Chris-s "oice echoes inside my head. ,I #uess Ill let you sleep and maybe when you wake up youll chill the fuck out and reali(e that &ust because someones nice to you it doesnt mean they want to fuck you. 'r you can come downstairs and han# out and maybe Ill play you a son#.. + sho(ld ha"e gone to sleep that day and +-m beginning to thin% + sho(ld ha"e stayed asleep today.

Chapter "i$e Relentless %#estions

7y )aw drops the moment we step inside his apartment. &he li"ing room loo%s li%e the co"er o' a beach home magaGine. $ne day a'ter mo"ing in and he already has e"erything in its place, sa"e 'or a 'ew empty bro%en down cardboard boBes in the corner neBt to a slee% dra'ting table. #is apartment ma%es o(r apartment downstairs loo% li%e it was designed by siB* year*olds. =#oly shit,> + whisper as he ma%es his way toward the %itchen. =&his is amaGing.> #e smiles as he glances o"er his sho(lder and the dimple on his right chee% F(ir%s (p. =+ plan on staying here a while.> + 'ollow him into the %itchen and +-m s(rprised at what he-s been able to do with the limited space. #e has a 'ancy stainless steel re'rigerator and his co(ntertops are completely 'ree o' cl(tter. &he only items on his co(nter are a co''ee machine and a cordless phone. #e p(lls something o(t o' a c(pboard o"er the sin% and + la(gh when + see the boB o' macaroni and cheese in his hand. =+s that what yo(-re planning to ma%e?> =#ey, + ne"er said + co(ld coo%. + )(st said +-d ma%e yo( l(nch. Ao( can-t eBpect me to be good at e!erythin# or this will ne"er wor%.> + ta%e a seat on a barstool at the brea%'ast bar as he begins to prepare o(r go(rmet l(nch. =So what else are yo( good at?> &his is probably a bad F(estion to as% while trapped inside his apartment, b(t it-s sa'er than as%ing him what he does 'or a li"ing. =$h, +-m s(re yo(-ll 'ig(re that o(t soon eno(gh.> =Ao( %now, yo( don-t ha"e to answer e"ery F(estion

with a seB(al inn(endo. + get it.> #e 'ills a pot with some water and places it on the sto"e. =Let-s seeL. Some wo(ld say +-m a good s(r'er.> #e-s ha"ing tro(ble lighting the b(rner (nder the pot. =5o yo( need some help?> + g(ess he didn-t bring his own 'ancy o"en, tho(gh + s(ppose that ma%es sense i' his specialty is mac n- cheese. +t loo%s li%e the same model in o(r apartment downstairs. + slide o'' the barstool and )oin him in the %itchen. =Ao( probably ha"en-t lit the pilot yet,> + say, scooting in neBt to him. #e smiles down at me. =+ can ass(re yo(, my pilot is lit.> + roll my eyes as + open the o"en door and li't the bottom o(t. =5o yo( ha"e a match or a lighter?> #e reaches into his poc%et and hands me a Kippo. =5o yo( smo%e?> + as% as + reach into the bottom o' the o"en and light the pilot. =Sometimes,> he admits. =$%ay, e"ery night, b(t only at night.> robably after se3, + thin%. =&here yo( go. /ow yo( can proceed with yo(r c(linary masterpiece.> + sh(t the o"en door and hand him bac% his lighter. #is 'ingers graGe my palm as he ta%es the lighter 'rom me and a chill tra"els (p my arm. =&han%s. + g(ess it was yo(r t(rn to sa"e me.> !n image 'lashes in my mind o' a letter t(c%ed away in the top drawer o' my nightstandH a letter +-"e only read once beca(se once was eno(gh. +n a single 'lash + can remember the entire contents o' that letter. 6ear Claire-bear4 Im sorry. I will lo!e you fore!er. /lways"

5our Chris + sha%e my head, attempting to sha%e o'' the g(ilt, as + scoot aro(nd !dam to get bac% to the barstool. =+ ha"e something + need to tell yo(,> + say, climbing bac% onto the stool. =+ meditate.> =Cool. So do +.> =Ao( do?> #e d(mps the dry pasta into the pot be'ore he answers. =;ell, sort o'. ;hene"er +-m stressed or i' + can-t ma%e it to the beach to s(r', +-ll chill o(t and do nothing 'or an ho(r or so, to clear my head.> =Ao(-re not s(pposed to p(t the pasta in (ntil the water-s boiling.> =F(c% the r(les. #ow o'ten do yo( meditate?> + ta%e a deep breath as + prepare to re"eal my secret to this almost*stranger. =! lot. Li%e, a 'ew times a day.> =! 'ew times a day? 5o the c(stomers at the ca'C stress yo( o(t that m(ch?> &his con"ersation is not going in a sa'e direction, might as well p(sh it all the way o"er the edge. =7editation is the way + copeL with the memories.> #e loo%s (p 'rom the steaming pot o' water and t(rns to 'ace me. =:o on.> =+-m not going to spill my g(ts to yo(,> + insist. =+ )(st thin% yo( sho(ld %now abo(t the meditation thing so yo( don-t come banging on my door (nanno(nced.> =;hy wo(ld + come banging on yo(r door?> =+n the e"ent yo( sho(ld r(n o(t o' processed cheese, call be'ore yo( %noc%.> #e 'inally drains the water 'rom the pot and tosses the powdered cheese and other ingredients in. &he pasta ma%es a gross sF(ishing so(nd as he stirs it (p and + can-t belie"e +-m abo(t to eat mac n- cheese on a 'irst date. + can-t belie"e +-m on a 'irst date.

#e grabs two spoons o(t o' a drawer and stabs them into the pot. #e sits neBt to me and places the pot on the brea%'ast bar between (s. =.on appCtit.> =Ao( really %now how to impress a girl, !dam.> #e scoops some macaroni onto his spoon and holds it o(t 'or me. =+ li%e the way yo( say my name.> + open my mo(th and he slowly slides the spoon in. + close my lips aro(nd the warm steel and he slowly slides it o(t. =Loo% at yo(. Ao( ha"e that down.> + scoop (p some macaroni onto my spoon and he opens his mo(th. + bring the spoon a 'ew inches away 'rom his lips be'ore + swoop it away and )am it into my mo(th. =!wL. Claire is greedy,> he groans. =&hat was my mac n- cheese.> #e reaches 'or my spoon and + p(ll my hand bac%. =/(h*(h.> #e doesn-t heed my warning and he grabs my wrist with one hand as + attempt to lean bac% to %eep him 'rom reaching the spoon with his other hand. =+-m h(ngry,> he growls, and + la(gh (ncontrollably (ntil the stool begins to tilt. =$h, shitE> + scream as my stool tips o"er and we both t(mble toward the li"ing room 'loor. #e lands on top o' me, b(t he F(ic%ly scrambles to his 'eet and holds o(t his hand. =!re yo( o%ay?> he as%s, and there-s a de'inite tinge o' worry in his "oice. &he carpet b(rns my elbows as + sit (p and grab his hand. #e p(lls me (p (ntil we-re standing 'ace to 'ace, o(r noses inches apart. =+-m 'ine,> + say, s(ppressing a ch(c%le. #e gaGes into my eyes, (n'linchingly, and + ha"e to loo% away. =Claire, + 'ind yo( "ery, "ery attracti"e.> + ta%e a step bac% and hold o(t my spoon. =+-m not trying to get yo( into bed. + )(st wanted to ma%e that %nown. Since + saw yo( last

wee%, dancing neBt to yo(r 'riend-s car, + %new + wanted to get to %now yo(.> + cringe as + realiGe !dam saw me dancing neBt to Senia-s car when + was imitating what Senia-s 'o(r*year*old sister does whene"er a @(stin .ieber song comes on. &hen he saw me space o(t in the ca'C yesterday and, somehow, he still 'inds me !ery" !ery attracti!e. .(t + can-t sha%e the nagging "oice in my head that tells me Chris wo(ld thin% this was way too soon. ;hy the '(c% sho(ld + care what Chris wo(ld thin%? #e-s the one who le't me to go p(rs(e his solo careerJe"en i' + did enco(rage him to lea"e. + %new it wo(ld happen, he was the best roc%*bl(es g(itarist +-d e"er %nown, b(t + g(ess + ne"er really eBpected to be le't behind. So why the hell sho(ld + care what he thin%s? #e-s gone, probably '(c%ing a new gro(pie e"ery other night, or that 5isney celebrity he was seen with three wee%s ago. 7#h8 + hate that + e"en care eno(gh to %eep trac% o' this st(''. =Claire? ;here did yo( go?> !dam-s "oice brea%s thro(gh my tro(bled tho(ghts and + p(sh aside that "oice in my head that wishes it were Chris calling my name. =+-m sorry,> + m(tter. =&his is why + meditate. &o %eep this shit o(t.> #e (prights my barstool and ta%es a seat on his stool again. #e pats the seat the c(shioned seat and + pretend not to notice that o(r %nees are to(ching as + sit down. =+ won-t ma%e yo( eat my go(rmet mac i' yo( tell me why yo( dropped o(t.> &he F(estion sho(ldn-t st(n me, b(t it does. +t-s li%e a p(nch in the chest and +-m s(ddenly breathless as + try to imagine why Cora wo(ld tell him + dropped o(t. =5id Cora tell yo( that?> #e sha%es his head adamantly. =+ too% a g(ess and yo(

)(st con'irmed it. ! smart girl li%e yo( doesn-t end (p wor%ing in a small town ca'C (nless she-s r(nning away 'rom something. So what is it?> + rest my arms on the brea%'ast bar and practically lean my 'ace into the pot o' pasta. =+ wish + co(ld tell yo(.> =+t-s easy. @(st mo"e yo(r )aw and yo(r tong(e a little andJ!oila8Jo(t come the words. +t-s li%e magic.> + p(sh the pot away and b(ry my 'ace in my arms. =+ wish that were tr(e.> +t-s tr(e. + really wish + co(ld tell him the tr(th. + wish + co(ld tell e"erybody the tr(th. Meeping the secret alone is eno(gh to ma%e me grind my teeth in my sleep. &his secret is eating away at me. &he only thing that %eeps it 'rom cons(ming me is meditation. =5oes it ha"e to do with money?> =/o, my t(ition was paid 'or by the State o' /orth Carolina.> =+' yo( tell me why yo( dropped o(t, +-ll tell yo( why + mo"ed to ;rights"ille .each,> he o''ers, and he has my attention. + sit (p and loo% him in the eye. #e nods at me as i' to say, the balls in your court. + want to tell him e"erything, 'rom the day + arri"ed at the Mnight Family-s ho(se more than 'i"e years ago to the day + mo"ed into this apartment almost three months ago, b(t + can-t. E"eryone thin%s they-ll (nderstand, they swear they-ll (nderstand, b(t when yo( tell them abo(t the horrible things yo(-"e done they can-t help b(t )(dge yo( or worse pity yo(. + don-t want anybody-s )(dgment or pity. + )(st want to be 'orgotten and, i' +-m l(c%y eno(gh, 'orgi"en. =Sorry, b(t that-s a trade + can-t ma%e.> #e doesn-t appear disappointed. #e probably anticipated this. =!ll right. #ow abo(t this?> #e closes his eyes as he ta%es a beat. =+' + can get yo( to tell me why yo( dropped o(t o' school then yo( ha"e to go bac%.>

+ ch(c%le. =&hat-s '(nny.> =+t-s not '(nny. +-m serio(s. &his is a serio(s bet. + thin% yo( desperately want to go bac% to school and +-m willing to p(t o(r friendship on the line in order to see that yo( ma%e it bac%. ;hat do yo( say?> #ow the hell does he %now so m(ch abo(t me 'rom a con"ersation with Cora? &he tr(th is + do want to go bac% to school. + was a Sociology ma)or. 7y dream was to become a casewor%erH a better casewor%er than the hal'*doGen + had. + wanted to ma%e s(re that no %id 'elt the way + did, li%e a n(isance. + arch my eyebrow and pretend to thin% abo(t it, beca(se + %now he-ll ne"er weasel this o(t o' me. =;hat-s in it 'or me i' + don-t gi"e (p my secret?> =Ao( get to %eep yo(r secret.> =/o, yo( ha"e to do something.> #e lets o(t a deep sigh. =+-ll stop stal%ing yo( at the ca'C.> =!nd yo(-ll ne"er try to %ill me again?> =+ can-t promise that.> &he seBy smile on his 'ace ma%es my heart race and, 'or once, +-m a little worried abo(t the sec(rity o' my secret.

Chapter Si& Relentless Schemin'

Cora @ohnson can ta%e (p to twenty min(tes to answer her 'ront door. Sometimes she doesn-t hear the %noc%ing and other times her )oints ache too m(ch to mo"e swi'tly. + ha"e a %ey to her apartmentJ=+n case + croa%,> she told me, when she handed it o"erJb(t + p(rposely lea"e it in a drawer in the %itchen. + can-t help being a little s(perstitio(s, e"en tho(gh li'e has shown me that there is no order to the (ni"erse. + %noc% once more and the plaF(e on the door rattles. &he tr(th is, tho(gh + ga"e Cora the plaF(e 'or her birthday, + hoped it wo(ld ser"e as a reminder to me e"ery time + wal% o(t my 'ront door. *here we lo!e is home. !'ter eight years o' being %ic%ed aro(nd, + had a home and people who lo"ed me. Sometimes, + don-t %now who + miss more, Chris or his mother. Cora needs to h(rry (p and answer this door or +-m going to be late 'or wor%. + %noc% again and the door abo"e my head opens. + don-t loo% (p, b(t + can hear !dam-s 'eet tapping the steps as he descends. + cast a sideways glance at the bottom o' the staircase, )(st to watch him 'rom behind as he wal%s to his car, b(t he-s wal%ing straight toward me. =:ood morning, s(nshine. 5id yo( get in some F(ality meditation time this morning?> + try not to ogle him as he approaches me loo%ing impossibly 'resh and ready to tac%le a day at the beach in his gray cargo shorts and 8(i%sil"er tan% top, which shows o'' the de'ined m(scles in his arms. =+ did. +-m )(st chec%ing in on Cora be'ore + head to wor%.> =7aybe she-s still asleep.> =Cora is (p be'ore the s(n e"ery day. +t ta%es her a

while to answer the door sometimes, b(t + ha"e to get to wor%.> #e places his hand on my sho(lder as his eyebrows '(rrow. =Ao( loo% worried. + can chec% on her 'or yo(.> &hat one sentence co(pled with the loo% o' concern and the 'eeling o' his hand on my sho(lder ta%es my breath away. =6eally?> =Aeah, o' co(rse. +-ll wal% yo( to wor% and +-ll chec% on her when + get bac%.> =;al% me to wor%? + don-t need yo( to do that. + wal% to wor% e"ery day. +t-s literally 'o(r h(ndred 'eet away 'rom here.> =+ %now, b(t + ha"e to ta%e this stal%ing gig serio(sly.> + wish + didn-t 'eel e"en the slightest bit eBcited by this, b(t + am )(st a girl, and apparently + am easily impressed. /ow +-m angry with mysel' when + sho(ld be annoyed with him. =Fine. Let-s go.> + storm o'' and ro(nd the corner toward the 'ront o' o(r little three*apartment compleB and F(ic%ly ma%e it to the sidewal% on L(mina. =;here-s yo(r 'riend? + tho(ght yo( were roommates.> &he chill morning air that rolls in 'rom the ocean is slightly briny and + inhale a deep, cleansing breath. &he ocean breeGe is de'initely one o' my 'a"orite things abo(t li"ing in ;rights"ille. =She-s "isiting her parents this wee%end. + co(ldn-t go with her beca(se +-m wor%ing today.> =5o yo( always wor% on the wee%end?> =<retty m(ch. +t-s been months since + got the wee%end o''. + don-t really ha"e m(ch else to do and +-"e got rent to pay.> =!re yo( wor%ing neBt Sat(rday? + want to ta%e yo( somewhere.> =Aes, +-m wor%ing both Sat(rday and S(nday neBt

wee%.> ;e-re )(st a 'ew 'eet away 'rom the ca'C now so he speeds (p to open the door 'or me. =Can-t yo( as% 'or the day o''?> =/o, not to go on a date.> =;ho said it was a date?> he says with a grin and + roll my eyes. + stop neBt to a display o' espresso machines and lean in closer so + can whisper. =+ can-t ta%e a day o''. Ao( saw how + screwed (p the other day. +-"e been doing that a lot lately and + need this )ob.> #e narrows his eyes as i' he-s contemplating this in'ormation then he nods. =+-ll ta%e care o' it.> =/oE Ao( ha"e to go chec% on Cora.> + grab 'ist'(ls o' his shirt to p(sh him toward the door and he smiles at my 'eeble attempts to ma%e him mo"e as he stands solidly still. =!ll right. @(st tell me what + need to chec% on.> + release his shirt and gi"e him all the details to chec% 'or at Cora-s: chec% the c(pboards to ma%e s(re she hasn-t r(n o(t o' instant oatmeal pac%etsH chec% the re'rigerator 'or eBpired 'oodsH ma%e s(re the cat hasn-t been getting into the trash binsH ma%e s(re none o' the 'a(cets are le't r(nningH and ma%e s(re her enormo(s 7aine Coon, .ig'oot, has eno(gh 'ood and water. =5oesn-t she ha"e a caregi"er?> =&ina doesn-t get there 'or another 'i"e ho(rs and she-s not the most attenti"e caregi"er.> =:ot it.> #e p(lls me into a h(g so s(ddenly that my 'ace smashes against his solid chest and + la(gh as + p(sh him away. =&hat was aw%ward,> he ch(c%les. =&he neBt one will be better.> + t(rn my 'ace to hide my (ncontrollable grin as + wal% behind the ca'C co(nter. Linda coc%s an eyebrow as + approach. =;ho is that

tasty yo(ng thing?> she whispers as + pass her on the way to the stoc%room to cloc% in. + co(ld cloc% in on the register, b(t +-m 'i"e min(tes early and + need that 'i"e min(tes to wipe this st(pid grin o'' my 'ace. =+-ll tell yo( as soon as + cloc% in,> + say, p(shing my way thro(gh the swinging door. + sit in the 'olding metal chair, which Linda re'(ses to replace with an ergonomic des% chair, and p(ll my cell phone o(t o' my )eans poc%et. + dial Senia-s n(mber beca(se, tho(gh + %now she-s still sleeping at 2:44 a.m. on a S(nday, + can-t hold in the e"ents o' the past day and a hal' any longer. She pic%s (p on the second ring. =;hat?> she groans. + ta%e a deep breath then spill e"erything in less than three min(tes. ;hen +-m done she-s silent. =!m + craGy?> + as%. =+s this too 'ast?> +-m not as%ing i' this is too 'ast since Chris le't, beca(se he le't a year ago. She %nows what +-m as%ing and her silence has me twirling my hair ner"o(sly. She clears her throat be'ore she spea%s. =$' co(rse it-s not too soon. + told yo( last wee%, yo( need to stop being so a'raid o' people %nowing.> She clears her throat again and + can hear her ta%ing a sip o' water. =5o yo( need me to 'ill in 'or yo( at the ca'C so yo( can go on yo(r date?> + la(gh beca(se she doesn-t e"en wor% at the ca'C, b(t she probably could 'ill in 'or me. &here is "ery little Senia can-t do. =/o. +-ll 'ig(re something o(t. + ha"e a wee% to thin% o' something.> =Let-s conspire together, my lo"e,> she says, her "oice still thic% with sleep. =+-m coming home tonight instead o' tomorrow. Eddie is getting on my last '(c%ing ner"e.> Eddie :oodman, Senia-s boy'riend o' eight months, nearly dro"e his car o'' a cli'' when she told him she was mo"ing in with me 'or the s(mmer. #e-s possessi"e as hell and has serio(s attachment iss(es, b(t he-s also s(per hot and

shares none o' the same classes with SeniaJa m(st 'or her. She hates dating classmates. ;hen they-re not at each other-s throats, they-re sic%eningly adorable together. + call them Enia e"en tho(gh Eddie hates it. !'ter we hang (p, + sit 'or a min(te staring at the comp(ter screen be'ore + cloc% in two min(tes late. /ow + ha"e to come (p with an eBc(se 'or Sat(rday. ;hen + wal% o(t o' the stoc%room, @oanne is staring at me 'rom where she stands neBt to the giant espresso station. @oanne is twenty* two, two years older than +, b(t she-s s(per timid. =;hat-s (p, @o?> + as% as + p(ll my blac% apron o"er my head. She F(ic%ly loo%s down at the 'loor. =/othing. + was )(st thin%ing o' what +-m going to do on ;ednesday.> + tie my apron strings o"er my lower bac% and grab a plastic c(p to get mysel' some water. =;hat are yo( doing on ;ednesday?> She loo%s (p at me, somewhat con'(sed, as she ner"o(sly r(bs her dar% hair between her 'ingers. =+ ha"e the day o''. &hat g(y told me yo( wanted to switch days o'' with me. &he one yo( were )(st tal%ing to.> + sha%e my head as + realiGe !dam m(st ha"e come bac% in a'ter + disappeared into the stoc%room. =Ao( don-t ha"e to do that, @o.> =/o, + want to,> she says abr(ptly. =+ li%e wor%ing on Sat(rdays. +t-s b(sy.> + s(ddenly ha"e a 'eeling that @o m(st ha"e her own memories she-s trying to b(ry. =$%ay. &han%s.> She smiles and nods as she grabs the plastic c(p 'rom my hand and 'ills it with cold water 'rom the 'iltered pitcher inside the re'rigerator (nder the co(nter. She hands the c(p bac% and +-m ta%en by a sense o' concern 'or her. + wish + %new what it was that made her so shy. .e'ore + can stop mysel', + p(ll her into a h(g and + can 'eel her s(rprise as she draws in a sharp breath.

=&han%s, @o.>

;hen + arri"e at Cora-s ho(se at 'i"e a'ter three, + only %noc% once be'ore the loc% t(rns and the door crea%s open. !dam is standing be'ore me wearing a so't smile and + %now he-s probably been here all day. =Come on in,> he says, holding the door wide open 'or me. + wal% inside and Cora is sitting in her recliner in 'ront o' the tele"ision with .ig'oot in her lap. &he apartment is clean and the (s(al sharp litter boB smell is gone. Cora loo%s (p and smiles so big + can see the gap where she-s missing her two bac% molars. =#ello, honey. #a"e yo( met !dam <ar%er? #e-s yo(r new neighbor,> she says in a "oice that ma%es me 'eel a little li%e a preschooler being introd(ced to a classmate. =+ thin% yo( two sho(ld get to %now each other.> She ob"io(sly doesn-t %now abo(t o(r date yet. !dam ta%es a seat on the so'a, on the side closest to the recliner, and pats the c(shion neBt to him. =Aeah, come sit down, Claire. Let-s get to %now each other.> + ta%e a seat on the so'a, ma%ing s(re to p(t at least a 'oot o' space between !dam and me. =;hat did yo( do today? ;here-s &ina?> + as% as + t(rn to Cora. =!dam-s been ta%ing care o' me today. #e ga"e her the day o'',> she says, her eyes crin%ling with delight. + narrow my eyes at him and he grabs Cora-s hand as he t(rns bac% to her. =+t was my pleas(re. + didn-t ha"e anything

to do today since the only other person + %now in this town was wor%ing.> =Ao( wor% too m(ch, Claire,> Cora chimes in as she contin(es to stro%e .ig'oot with her 'ree hand. Gee(. +t-s li%e these two ha"e spent the past siB ho(rs scheming to get !dam and me together. First he switches my sched(le witho(t my %nowledge and now he-s (sing Cora to get on my good side. #e is a master conspirator. + stand (p and do a F(ic% chec% aro(nd the %itchen )(st to satis'y my c(riosity. !s eBpected, he did e"erything + as%ed. #e e"en stoc%ed her c(pboard with plenty o' hot cereal pac%ets and her re'rigerator with lots o' 'resh 'r(it. =;ell, it loo%s li%e yo(-re all ta%en care o' so +-m going to head home,> + say as + plant a %iss on Cora-s 'orehead and r(b .ig'oot-s head. =+ need to shower and get to bed early. + ha"e the early shi't tomorrow.> =;al% her home, !dam,> she says sweetly and he immediately pops (p o'' the so'a. =See yo( later, Cora. ;e-ll ha"e to watch that mo"ie another time.> =See yo( later, sonny,> she says, and + %now what-s coming neBt. =.(t )(st beca(se + call yo( sonny, doesn-t mean yo(-re bright.> #e la(ghs and points at her. =+ can-t %eep (p with yo(, C.> !dam 'ollows me o(t o' the apartment and (ses his own %ey, which Cora m(st ha"e gi"en him, to loc% her deadbolt. + ta%e a 'ew steps and t(rn aro(nd when + reach my door. =C? 5id yo( spend the whole day with her?> =+ ran a 'ew errands 'or her, b(t other than that, yes, + spent the day with Cora. She-s '(nny and we were abo(t to watch a mo"ie be'ore yo( interr(pted (s.> =$h, well, don-t let me interr(pt yo(r date with Cora. <lease, go right bac% in.> #e steps 'orward and my bac% hits my 'ront door as +

ta%e a step bac%. #e leans against the door with his hands on either side o' my head, e''ecti"ely caging me in. =!re yo( )ealo(s o' my relationship with Cora?> #is breath is hot against my nose and warmth r(shes thro(gh me, lighting (p my core. =+ )(st don-t want her to get (sed to ha"ing yo( aro(nd. She-s had a lot o' people bail on her and +L.> #is 'ace is getting closer with e"ery word + spea%. =+ don-t want her to get h(rt.> =!re yo( s(re we-re tal%ing abo(t Cora?> he whispers against my lips, lingering 'or a moment be'ore he p(shes away 'rom the door. =+ wor% all wee%, b(t +-ll be by yo(r ho(se at nine a.m. on Sat(rday. ;ear a bathing s(it (nder yo(r clothes.> + let o(t a deep sigh and scramble into my apartment, slamming the door behind me. + ta%e a 'ew calming breaths, trying to ignore the ache p(lsating between my legs as + ma%e my way toward the bedroom to meditate.

Chapter Se$en Relentless (ames

+ don-t hear 'rom !dam all wee%. !nd, altho(gh + do hear him coming in and o(t o' his apartment a 'ew times, he ne"er stops by to say hi. .(t + %now he-s still "isiting Cora beca(se e"ery time + pop in on her, she-s always wearing an enormo(s grin. ;hen Senia and + arri"e at her ho(se on Friday e"ening at se"en, &ina answers the door. =$h, hi, Claire,> she says in an eBasperated tone. She F(ic%ly waddles into the %itchen to contin(e washing the dinner dishes. + try not to get (pset with &ina. &hat-s )(st her manner. She-s ne"er been partic(larly 'riendly and +-"e ne"er ta%en the time to get to %now her eno(gh to 'ind o(t why. + step inside with Senia and 'ind !dam and Cora engaged in a game o' cards on a wooden &N tray table. /either o' them loo% (p 'rom their cards. + %now he said he was going to be wor%ing all wee%, b(t it-s not as i' he co(ldn-t )(st drop by and say helloJat least pretend + eBist. &he 'act that + neglected to as% him what he does 'or a li"ing )(st made the entire wee% o' waiting e"en more (ncom'ortable. ;hen Senia and + disc(ssed it, o(r best g(ess was he changed his mind abo(t the date and co(ldn-t bring himsel' to brea% the news to me. =;e-ll come by later,> + say, t(rning to head o(t the open 'ront door. Senia grabs my arm to stop me. =/o, we can-t. $r at least, + can-t. Eddie-s coming o"er.> + wrestle my arm o(t o' her 'irm grip and Cora 'inally loo%s (p at me 'rom her cards. =$h, hi, honey. + didn-t see yo( there. ;ant to get in on this action?> !dam smiles, b(t he still doesn-t loo% at me. ;hat is his problem? 7y stomach is in %nots and + 'eel li%e a total

idiot 'or allowing mysel' to thin% that a g(y li%e him co(ld be interested in me. =;hat-s yo(r problem?> Senia as%s and !dam 'inally loo%s (p. =Senia, please don-t do this. Come on. Let-s go home.> + try to p(ll her toward the door, b(t she-s 'o(r inches taller and at least 'i'teen po(nds hea"ier than +. She-s not b(dging. =+-m sorry. !re yo( tal%ing to me?> &o his credit, !dam loo%s gen(inely con'(sed. 7aybe he-s a pro'essional actor. =5on-t pretend yo( don-t %now what +-m tal%ing abo(t. Ao( le't Claire hanging all wee% wondering i' yo( two were still hanging o(t tomorrow and now yo( ignore her. ;hat %ind o' asshole does something li%e that?> She t(rns to Cora, whose mo(th is hanging open, and apologiGes. =Sorry, Cora.> =+s this tr(e, !dam?> Cora as%s, laying her cards on the &N table 'ace*(p. !dam lays his cards down and loo%s straight at me. =+ didn-t "isit yo( d(ring the wee% beca(se + was wor%ing.> Senia sha%es her head. =;e heard yo( coming and going 'rom yo(r apartment.> #e t(rns on Senia. =Ao( didn-t let me 'inish.> She crosses her arms. =:o ahead.> =+ was wor%ing, and when +-m wor%ing +-m (s(ally in a shitty mood. + didn-t want yo( to see me li%e that so + )(st stayed away.> =&hat doesn-t eBplain why yo( ignored me when we came in here,> + say, and he t(rns to me with what + %now is an apology ready to roll o'' his tong(e. =&hat was )(st bad manners,> he says, and a tiny smile c(rls the corners o' his lips. =Cora-s a snea%y one. + ha"e to %eep my eyes on her at all times when we-re playing cards.> +' this g(y is any '(c%ing sweeter +-m going to need a dentist. + can-t e"en be angry that he-s mo"ing in on my t(r'

beca(se he seems to be doing a better )ob than me at %eeping Cora company. + t(rn to Senia and she raises her eyebrows as i' to say youre on your own. She claps me on the sho(lder and heads 'or the door. =+ ha"e to go wait 'or Eddie. 5on-t want him to acc(se me o' getting too 'riendly with the new neighbor.> =Sit down, honey,> !dam says, (sing Cora-s 'a"orite term o' endearment as + sh(t the 'ront door behind Senia. ;hen + t(rn aro(nd, he-s r(bbing the c(shion neBt to him and wearing a seBy smile. + don-t %now i' +-d rather p(nch him or %iss him. =+-m not yo(r honey,> + m(tter as + sit neBt to him. #e drapes his arm aro(nd my sho(lder and presses his lips so'tly against my temple. +-m 'roGen as my sho(lders and arms go wea%. #is lips are warm against my chee% as they tra"el to my ear. =@(st play along. + told her we were going on a date and it made her so '(c%ing happy.> + sha%e my head and t(rn to 'ace him. =Ao( thin% yo(-re so cle"er, (sing Cora to get to me.> #e shr(gs, %eeping his eyes on me as he reaches 'or the cards on the table. =Can yo( blame me 'or wanting to %eep her happy?> =!dam, honey, + 'eel li%e +-"e been hit by a tr(c% and r(n o"er twice,> Cora says as she shoos .ig'oot o'' her lap. .ig'oot immediately sc(rries towards me to r(b his 'l(''y body against my bare legs. =+-ll ha"e to 'inish embarrassing yo( tomorrow. Can yo( loc% (p on yo(r way o(t? !dam F(ic%ly gets to his 'eet to help Cora o(t o' the recliner. =$' co(rse, right a'ter + help &ina clean (p.> + watch in awe as he g(ides Cora to her room, 'ollowed closely by &ina. + spring (p 'rom the so'a and ma%e my way into the %itchen to 'inish doing the dishes. + grab a pot with a little le't o"er chic%en so(p and d(mp the contents down the

drain be'ore hitting the switch on the garbage disposal. ! 'ew bits o' carrot stic% to the sides o' the steel sin% and + p(sh them into the drain with my hand. + listen to the so(nd as they hit the blades inside the garbage disposal, so lost in the sF(ishy, grinding noise that + )(mp when !dam appears at my side. =Ao( scare easily,> he says as he 'lips the switch on the garbage disposal and the grinding noise dies. + wipe down the sin% one last time be'ore + t(rn to 'ace him. =&han%s 'or hanging o(t with her.> + step sideways to get aro(nd him and he steps sideways to bloc% me. =+ %now o(r date isn-t (ntil tomorrow, b(t what are yo( doing tonight?> + stare at his chin to a"oid staring at his mo(th or eyes. =<robably watching Senia-s boy'riend get dr(n%. &hen +-ll be listening to their wall*banging 'rom the sa'ety o' the so'a.> #e tilts his head as he considers this in'ormation. =Ao(-re welcome to hang o(t with me tonight, yo( %now, i' yo( need to escape.> &ina wal%s in be'ore + can answer. =She-s down 'or the co(nt,> she says, snatching her tan leather p(rse o'' the %itchen co(nter. =+-ll see yo( two on 7onday.> She appears pee"ed that Cora now has two companions aro(nd to %eep her 'rom slac%ing o''. $nce she closes the door behind her, + slither aro(nd !dam and dart toward the door. #e F(ic%ly 'ollows and hoo%s his arm aro(nd my waist. =#eyE> + whisper*sho(t at him o"er my sho(lder. =<ersonal spaceE> #e grabs the sides o' my waist and t(rns me aro(nd so we-re 'acing each other. =;e-re beyond that, honey.> #e ch(c%les so'tly and + cringe at his arrogance. =+-m %idding. :o ahead and get whate"er yo( need 'or the night. Ao( can sleep in my bed and +-ll sleep on the so'a. + %now how important it is that yo( get yo(r sleep.> + narrow my eyes at

him and he la(ghs again. =;hat? +-m )(st trying to help. + swear +-ll %eep my hands to mysel'.> +t-s a "ery tempting o''er. + won-t get to sleep (ntil three or 'o(r in the morning or whate"er :od*'orsa%en ho(r Senia and Eddie tire o(t. $' co(rse, + hardly %now this g(y other than the 'act that he-s eBtremely patient and charming, and more than a bit persistent. #e doesn-t stri%e me as the %ind o' g(y who wo(ld 'orce himsel' on me. <l(s, it will be con"enient not to ha"e to wa%e (p Senia and Eddie when + get ready 'or o(r date tomorrow morning. =Fine, b(t i' yo( thin% yo(-re getting laid yo(-re going to be "ery disappointed. !nd i' yo( try anything '(nny, +-m lea"ing and o(r date is o''. :ot it?> #e clasps his hands behind his bac%. =+ wo(ldn-t dream o' )eopardiGing all the '(n we-re going to ha"e on o(r date.> + toss my toothbr(sh and a 'ew cleansing prod(cts into my ma%e(p bag. &he ma%e(p bag gets thrown into my 6oBy bac%pac% with my bi%ini, a beach dress, and some gladiator sandals. ;hen + come o(t o' the bedroom, Senia is glaring at me 'rom the other side o' the brea%'ast bar. =Ao( going somewhere?> =+-m going to hang o(t at !dam-s tonight so yo( and Eddie can be alone. ;e-re lea"ing early in the morning 'or whate"er he has planned. + don-t want to wa%e yo( (p getting ready.> =Ao(-re spending the night with him?> =/ot with him, )(st in his bed. #e-s sleeping on the so'a.> Saying the words alo(d ma%es it so(nd so m(ch worse than it so(nded when + agreed to this 'i"e min(tes ago with !dam breathing on my 'ace. =Claire, this is so not li%e yo(,> she says, ro(nding the brea%'ast bar toward me. =+ lo"e itE> She smiles h(gely, showing o'' all her per'ectly white teeth, then throws her arms aro(nd my sho(lders. =+-m so pro(d o' yo(.>

+ pat her bac% a 'ew times and she 'inally lets go. =&his is not a big deal. ;e-re )(st hanging o(t. + am not sleeping with him.> =+ %now. .(t it-s a start.> She %isses my 'orehead be'ore + lea"e. 7y heart p(lses in e"ery inch o' my body as + climb the steps to !dam-s apartment. 7y 'eet are li%e concrete bloc%s attached to my legs as + grip the handrail and drag mysel' (p the 'inal step and stand be'ore apartment .. + roll my sho(lders in an attempt to loosen the tension then ta%e a deep breath and %noc%. #e answers the door immediately, as i' he were standing on the other side impatiently waiting and watching thro(gh the peephole. &he smile on his 'ace ma%es my stomach 'l(tter. #e loo%s gen(inely eBcited and somewhat relie"ed, as i' he tho(ght + might change my mind. =;elcome bac%,> he says, wa"ing me inside. &he lamps are lit inside his daGGling apartment bathing the space in a warm glow. E"erything is still per'ectly clean. &he LC5 &N a''iBed to the wall is set to 7&N, b(t the "ol(me is too low to hear. /othing o(t o' placeJeBcept maybe me. =Can yo( change that?> + say, pointing at the &N. =+ hate 7&N.> =Ao( and + are not going to get along,> he says, closing the 'ront door. + don-t need to tell him the reason +-"e a"oided watching 7&N 'or nearly a year. +-m here to get past that, not dwell on it. #e snatches the remote 'rom the blac% co''ee table and changes it to the 5isco"ery Channel. =.etter?> + nod and set my bac%pac% on the 'loor neBt to the so'a. #e immediately slides past me and snatches it (p. =+-ll p(t that in the bedroom 'or yo(. ;ant to come see yo(r room at #otel <ar%er?>

=So hospitable,> + say as + 'ollow him toward a dar% hallway. &he hallway is short, )(st li%e o(r apartment downstairs, and he F(ic%ly 'lips the light switch as we enter his bedroom. #e sets my bag down on the %ing*siGed bed as + loo% aro(nd. !s eBpected, his room is pretty eno(gh to be a s(ite in a modern hotel. =#ow m(ch is this going to cost me?> + as%. #e sha%es his head. =<lease don-t say st('' li%e that. &here-s only so m(ch teasing + can resist.> +t 'eels good to be able to )o%e aro(nd with him li%e this. +t means + 'eel sa'e. =;e-d better go watch some 5isco"ery Channel,> + s(ggest, and he nods. Aes, watching &N is sa'er than standing in his bedroom. !'ter twenty min(tes o' me silently swooning o"er .ear :rylls and him pointing o(t that .ear-s cameraman is the real hero o' the show, he t(rns o'' the &N and loo%s at me. =!ll right. +t-s time to play a game,> he declares. =8(estion tennis. + as% yo( a F(estion and yo( answer with a F(estion, b(t it has to be rele"ant to what + as%ed. +' yo( brea% the rhythm by not as%ing a F(estion then yo( ha"e to answer one F(estion tr(th'(lly be'ore the game can contin(e. !re yo( ready?> =Lea"e it to yo( to 'ind a game that allows yo( not to answer F(estions.> =Ao( are being a''orded that same l(B(ry, missy, so stop complaining. $%ay, yo( go 'irst.> + p(ll my legs (p onto the so'a and sit cross*legged as + 'ace him. =;hat do yo( do 'or a li"ing?> =5oes it really matter?> =5oes it really p(t yo( in a shitty mood?> =5oes that concern yo(?> =+t-s a simple F(estion.> =!h*haE> he sho(ts, pointing at me. =Ao( messed (p.

/ow yo( ha"e to answer a F(estion.> + %now what he-s going to as%, b(t +-m not the least bit worried beca(se there-s no way +-m going to tell him )(st to comply with a st(pid game. =:o ahead.> #e smiles as he leans bac% against the arm o' the so'a. =;hen did yo(r last relationship end?> &his isn-t the F(estion + eBpected, b(t +-"e come to realiGe that !dam rarely does anything + eBpect him to do. + 'idget with the loose threads o' my c(to'' shorts. =+t ended almost eBactly one year ago.> =;hy?> =/(h*(h. Ao( got yo(r answer. /ow bac% to the game.> =+' yo( tell me why then +-ll tell yo( where + wor%.> =&hat-s not an e"en trade.> #e leans 'orward. =+ wor% 'or my dad. #e owns a constr(ction company in ;ilmington. &he company-s been in the 'amily 'or more than a h(ndred years so it-s pretty m(ch eBpected that +-m going to ta%e o"er once my dad retires in a 'ew years. + '(c%ing hate it.> #is green eyes appear dar%er, harder as he stares at me and + can see that it (psets him )(st to tal% abo(t this. + %now he-s waiting 'or me now, b(t all + can thin% o' is how m(ch + want to gi"e him a h(g. + want to tell him how well + %now the 'ear o' disappointing others. + want to tell him how 'amiliar + am with the g(ilt that comes 'rom ma%ing sel'ish decisions. =7y eB was o''ered his dream )ob and + was starting my sophomore year at D/C. #e was going to be doing a lot o' tra"eling, so + decided it wo(ld be best to brea% (p so he co(ld eBperience this new opport(nity to the '(llest. + didn-t want to weigh him down the way + had 'or more than 'o(r years.> =Fo(r years? So he was yo(r 'irst lo"e?> &he m(scles in my chest tighten at these two words.

Chris was more than my 'irst lo"e. #e was my 'irst 'riend, my 'irst 'amily, my 'irst heartbrea%, and my deepest betrayal. + nod as + inhale a deep breath. =+-m tired. + thin% + sho(ld go to bed.> #e nods solemnly. =Ao( %now where the bathroom is i' yo( need to do any girly st(''. Feel 'ree to pil'er my toiletries.> + smile at his attempt to ease the tension then ma%e my way to the bedroom to grab my ma%e(p bag. !s + p(ll it o(t o' my bac%pac%, a wa"e o' na(sea rolls thro(gh me. + sit on the bed to ride it o(t as sweat beads on my 'orehead. #(gging mysel', + breathe deeply and close my eyes, trying to 'oc(s on something, anything, other than the pain o' losing e"erything. &he crea%y 'loor alerts me to !dam-s presence. + open my eyes to 'ind him standing in the doorway. =5o yo( need to meditate or do yo( need some company?> =Can + answer that F(estion with a F(estion?> #e nods and + draw in a sha%y breath. =Can yo( stay with me tonight?> #e steps inside and slides onto the bed behind me. + loo% o"er my sho(lder at him as he laces his 'ingers behind his head and lies bac% on the pillow. =7y hands will stay here all night or yo( ha"e permission to post a "ideo o' me dancing to @(stin .ieber on Ao(&(be.> + toss my ma%e(p bag onto the 'loor and lie bac% on the pillow neBt to him. =&ell me a )o%e.> #e reaches toward the nightstand and t(rns o'' the lamp. For once, the dar%ness is com'orting. + can pretend +-m tal%ing to anyone. =Corny or dirty?> he as%s, settling bac% onto his pillow. =5irty,> + say, grate'(l that he can-t see my smile thro(gh the dar%ness.

#e lets o(t a tiny h('' o' la(ghter. =7an, yo( are going to regret saying that.> #e pa(ses a moment be'ore he says, =;hen is an el' not an el'?> =;hen?> =;hen she-s s(c%ing dic%. &hen she-s a goblin.> + let loose a F(ic% ch(c%le. =&hat-s corny, b(t still %ind o' '(nny.> =Ao( deser"e the best o' both worlds.> &he silence that 'ollows his comment is pain'(l. Finally, + t(rn onto my side to 'ace him. &he so't glow o' the streetlamp shines thro(gh his c(rtains, o(tlining the silho(ette o' his per'ect nose and lips. #e t(rns to me and + can )(st barely glimpse his smile thro(gh the dar%ness. =7aybe we sho(ld go to sleep now,> + whisper, my "oice so(nding somewhat strangled by the power o' his presence. =Aeah, we ha"e to get (p early.> #e mo"es to get (p and + grab his arm. =Ao( don-t ha"e to go.> #e slowly settles bac% onto the bed, a little closer to me than he was be'ore. + can 'eel the heat o' his sho(lder neBt to my 'ace. #e li'ts his arm and + realiGe he-s in"iting me to c(ddle with him. 7y heart po(nds as + scoot toward him, drape my arm o"er his chest, and lay my head on his solid sho(lder. #e wraps his arm aro(nd me and gi"es my sho(lder a light sF(eeGe. =Sweet dreams, Claire.> =:oodnight, !dam.>

Chapter Ei'ht Relentless Competition

+ wa%e with !dam-s gray &*shirt clenched in my 'ist and a large crac% o' s(mmer s(nrise ill(minating the h(mid air in the bedroom. #is chest is hot and steamy against my chee% as it rises and 'alls slowly beneath me. + hold my breath as + slowly loosen my grip on his shirt. #e lets o(t a so't gr(nt and + 'reeGe. + ta%e in a meas(red breath as + mo"e my hand, slower this time. &he moment + begin to li't my head he shi'ts his weight, tightening his grip on my sho(lder. +t can-t be that early and he did say we were lea"ing at nine. /h" fuck it. + p(sh o'' his chest to sit (p. #is eyebrows scr(nch (p as he opens his eyes. =;hat time is it?> =+ don-t %now, b(t yo( said we were lea"ing early so + 'ig(red we sho(ld probably get (p and get ready.> #e sF(ints at me thro(gh the haGy morning light and my breath catches in my throat. #e loo%s way too adorable with his hair stic%ing o(t in million di''erent directions. =;ell, aren-t yo( a "ision in the morning,> he says, with a sly grin. + reach (p and 'eel my hair plastered to the right side o' my head with sweat. &he le't side is stic%ing o(t se"eral inches. + start to smooth it down and he yan%s me down on top o' him, r(''ling my hair some more. =#eyE> + sF(eal as + wrestle mysel' 'rom his grip. #e la(ghs as he sits (p and ma%es his way to the window to open the blinds )(st eno(gh so the light penetrates the c(rtains, washing e"erything in the room, incl(ding him, in a creamy glow. =Ao( can ta%e a shower 'irst. +-ll ma%e yo( some brea%'ast while yo( wash (p.>

=7ac n- cheese again?> + say as + slide o'' the bed and grab the p(rple ma%e(p bag + tossed onto the 'loor last night. =Ao( sho(ld be so l(c%y. /ah, )(st a plain, old smoothie this time. ;e-re gonna eat some %ic%ass barbec(e later. Ao(-re not a "egetarian, are yo(?> =+ lo"e animals,> + reply, solemnly. =Especially when they-re coo%ed.> #e ch(c%les as he wal%s past me and +-m str(c% by how com'ortable + 'eel here, li%e sleeping o"er at my hot neighbor-s ho(se is something + do o'ten. 5oes this ma%e me a sl(t? /o, we ha"en-t e"en %issed yet. 7ost people wo(ld ha"e %issed by now. +s that a bad sign? =#ey, )(st a heads (p,> + say as + come o(t o' the bedroom, stopping in 'ront o' the bathroom door. =+-m probably going to meditate in there, b(t + promise +-ll ma%e it F(ic%.> =Ao( can meditate o(t here. ;e can do it together.> =6eally?> =Aeah, +-ll p(t some eBtra roo'ies in yo(r smoothie to help yo( relaB.> =!wL that-s so tho(ght'(l.> #e shr(gs modestly and + ha"e to %eep mysel' 'rom sighing at how c(te he loo%s. =Li%e + said be'ore, only the best 'or Claire.> + sha%e my head as + enter the bathroom, which loo%s )(st li%e o(r bathroom downstairs. + ta%e a F(ic% shower, than%ing mysel' 'or remembering to bring my own body wash and shampoo a'ter + see his man*scented bath prod(cts. !'ter + br(sh my teeth and hair and p(t my bi%ini on (nderneath my dress, + eBit the bathroom to 'ind him sitting cross*legged on the r(g in the li"ing room. &he co''ee table has been p(shed aside to ma%e room 'or (s and he-s wearing a serene smile. + set my ma%e(p bag on the brea%'ast bar and place my hands on my %nees as + sit across 'rom him. =+-m going to

pict(re the ocean. Ao( don-t ha"e to tell me what yo(-re going to meditate on.> =+ wasn-t planning to tell yo(,> he replies. =:ood beca(se + don-t want to %now.> =+-m s(re yo( can g(ess, tho(gh.> =+-m s(re + can, b(t + won-t.> + sha%e my head as + ta%e a deep breath, ignoring the seBy grin on his 'ace as + close my eyes. + eBpel the breath slowly and imagine that all my worries abo(t Chris and college are being p(shed o(t at the same time. 5rawing in another deep breath, + imagine standing on the beach, breathing in the salty air as the ocean wa"es roll in. + breathe o(t and 'oc(s my attention on a sailboat 'loating on the distant s(r'ace o' the ocean. &he )agged silho(ette o' the boat bobs against the s%yline and + imagine the motion o' the water carrying me o(t to sea on that boat, so 'ar that + can no longer see the shore. + lie bac% on the dec% o' the boat and gaGe at the bl(e s%y abo"e me. &he clo(ds swirl in and o(t o' "iew behind the giant sails. + close my eyes and allow the boat to roc% me gently, swaying and pitching so'tly (p and down as my tension melts away. + open my eyes and !dam-s eyes are still closed. + wait a moment (ntil his eyelids 'l(tter open and he lets o(t a deep sigh. =7an, that 'eels good. + can see why yo(-re addicted to this.> =+-"e ne"er meditated with anyone other than Fallon, and that was only a co(ple o' times. &his is di''erent, b(t cool.> #e sha%es his head as he loo%s at the 'loor between (s. =$%ay, + lied. + didn-t meditate. + stared at yo( the whole time.> #e reaches across the space between (s and grabs my hand. =.(t it did 'eel good.> =Ao(-re s(ch a sleaGe,> + say, smac%ing his hand away. =:o ta%e a shower.>

#e ta%es a F(ic% shower, ma%es (s each a strawberry* banana smoothie, and we-re o(t the door within thirty min(tes. ;e-re wal%ing down the steps o(tside his apartment when + ha"e a mini*epiphany. =;ait a min(te. Ao( wor% at a constr(ction company and yo( don-t %now how to light a pilot on a sto"e?> + glance o"er my sho(lder and he grins sheepishly. =+ wanted to gi"e yo( a chance to show o''.> =#ow genero(s,> + m(tter as we reach the landing and + set o'' toward his tr(c%. #e grabs my hand and +-m yan%ed bac%ward. =;e-re wal%ing to the beach.> =Ao(-re ta%ing me to the s(r' to(rnament?> =&he S(mmer Swell <ro*!m. +t-s the only one in this area and it-s today.> =;here-s yo(r s(r'board?> + as%, when we reach the sidewal%. + don-t bother to mention that he-s still holding my hand and )(st as this tho(ght crosses my mind he threads his 'ingers thro(gh mine. =+-m not s(r'ing. &oday we-re watching the pros.> ;e ma%e it to the corner o' Charlotte and L(mina and +-m s(ddenly aware o' all the pedestrians on their way to the to(rnament. +-m hyperaware that !dam and + m(st loo% li%e a co(ple. + hit pa(se on my lo"e li'e so many months agoH + almost 'orgot what it 'eels li%e to be a co(ple in p(blic. :irls in short shorts pass (s as we cross the street and some o' them ma%e no attempt to hide their ogling. + glance (p at !dam to see i' maybe he-s egging them on, b(t his gaGe is 'iBed straight ahead to where Charlotte opens onto the beach. &he street is pac%ed with to(rists in shorts and "isors and, with no sidewal%s, they all roam thro(gh the middle o' Charlotte Street la(ghing and tal%ing among themsel"es. ;hen we reach the sand, + glimpse the bleachers constr(cted

on the beach. $'' in the distance, + see a stage where people are already sF(eeGing in against the plat'orm as so(nd eF(ipment and instr(ments are set (p 'or a concert. &he briny smell o' the ocean hits me as a breeGe sweeps o"er (s, li'ting the hairs that hang loose 'rom my ponytail and ma%ing my s%in pric%le. &he sand is warm on the s(r'ace b(t cool when my 'eet sin% down. + ha"en-t been to the beach in a co(ple o' wee%s and + always a"oid the beach d(ring big e"ents li%e this. 7y hand is getting sweaty. + 'eel an intense (rge to let go o' !dam-s hand to wipe the sweat on my hip, b(t + don-t. .eing (ncom'ortable is part o' being on a date, right? Li%e holding in yo(r 'arts when yo(-re in a new relationship. +t-s a necessary e"il. S(ddenly, + thin% o' the 'irst time + 'arted in 'ront o' Chris and + can-t help b(t smile. =;hy are yo( so happy?> !dam as%s as we tr(dge across the sand toward the bleachers. =+-m thin%ing o' how sweaty my hand 'eels right now.> #e grips my hand tighter. =&oo bad. +-m not letting go.> =+-ll ne"er let go, @ac%,> + whisper dramatically, and he sha%es his head. =Ao( )(mp, + )(mp,> he replies, and + la(gh. =Ao( lo"e &itanic,> + tease him. =Ao( %now, that 'irst day + saw yo( in the ca'C, + %ept calling yo( @ac% 5awson in my head.> =5o + loo% that old to yo(?> =/o, and yo(-re m(ch better loo%ing than him, anyway.> =Ao(-d better watch o(t, Claire,> he says as we climb the steel steps (p to the bleachers. =+' yo( %eep saying st('' li%e that +-m going to be 'orced to ta%e yo( into the water 'or a swimming lesson.> =+ %now what that means and + wo(ld ne"er. &here are a million people o(t here.> ;e sit at the end o' a bench a 'ew rows down 'rom the

top and the steel bench is hot against the bac%s o' my legs. #e 'inally lets go o' my hand and leans o"er to whisper in my ear. =+ tho(ght yo( li%ed ta%ing ris%s.> #is lips linger against my ear and his breath sends a tingling sensation racing thro(gh me. + swallow hard as + shi't in my seat and he 'inally p(lls away. =&he 'irst gro(p hits the water in a 'ew min(tes,> he says, as i' + care. =So we ha"e some time to 'inish o(r little game o' F(estions. .(t this time we ha"e to act(ally answer. /o answering a F(estion with a F(estion.> #e grabs my hand again be'ore he begins. =;hat-s yo(r 'a"orite time o' day?> + pa(se 'or a min(te to thin%, tho(gh + already %now the answer. =&hat time o' day when the s(n hasn-t come (p yet, b(t yo( can already 'eel it coming. +t-s an el(si"e warmth, li%e a s(btle promise whispered in yo(r ear and yo( can go on with yo(r day %nowing yo(-"e been gi"en another chance to get it right. Sometimes + get (p early )(st so + can sit o(tside with a c(p o' tea and 'eel it.> + t(rn to !dam and his 'ace is serio(s. =+ %now it-s a total clichC, b(t my 'a"orite time o' day is s(nset.> #e ta%es a deep breath then t(rns his gaGe to the water. =;e (sed to li"e near Carolina .each and my dad wo(ld ta%e me o(t e"ery day a'ter school to s(r' (ntil the s(n went down. +t-s bittersweet beca(se the s(nset always made me a little sad %nowing that it was the signal 'or (s to lea"eJand + ne"er wanted to lea"e the water. .(t it also brings bac% some really good 'eelings abo(t that time in my li'e, yo( %now, be'ore things got complicated.> &here-s so m(ch + want to as% him now, b(t + ha"e to pic% )(st one F(estion. =$%ay, why do yo( still wor% 'or yo(r dad i' yo( hate it? !nd don-t gi"e me the ob"io(s answer o' 'amily obligation beca(se yo( don-t stri%e me as the %ind o' g(y who wo(ld let that stop him 'rom doing anything.> #e leans 'orward, resting his elbows on the tops o' his

legs and +-m 'orced to lean 'orward with him since he-s still gripping my hand li%e a li'e ra't. #e encaps(lates my hand in both o' his and my hand disappears. =+ g(ess we both ha"e some F(estions we-re not ready to answer.> + wait a moment be'ore + n(dge his sho(lder 'or him to loo% (p. =#ey, the 'irst gro(p )(st paddled o(t.> 5(ring the entire 'irst ro(nd, and hal' the second ro(nd, !dam eBplains the r(les o' the to(rnament and what each s(r'er needs to score to mo"e on. E"ery time one o' them eBec(tes a di''ic(lt tric% witho(t bailing he gets so eBcited and cheers with the crowd. #is enth(siasm is in'ectio(s and be'ore long, + 'ind mysel' cheering so lo(dly my throat aches by the end o' the second ro(nd. + ha"en-t had this m(ch '(n on a date sinceL well, + don-t %now i' +-"e e!er had this m(ch '(n on a date. !s we-re sitting there waiting 'or the third ro(nd to begin, a gro(p o' g(ys in board shorts with beads o' water and sand spar%ling on their shirtless chests pass (s on the way (p to the neBt row o' bleachers. ! co(ple o' them ogle me as they pass and !dam-s grip tightens on my hand. + loo% at him and the tiny m(scle in his )aw is twitching. =Come on. Let-s go down and watch some o' the bands while we wait 'or the neBt ro(nd.> + allow him to p(ll me along down the bleachers to the sand and toward the stage be'ore + say anything. =;hat was that abo(t?> =;hat?> =&hat?> + say, nodding toward the bleachers behind (s. =Ao(-re not (pset abo(t those g(ys chec%ing me o(t, are yo(?> #e grits his teeth again as he lets o(t a breath thro(gh his nostrils. =+ don-t li%eL. ;ait, let me rephrase that. + sometimes ha"e a problem controlling my temper. &hat-s part o' the reason + mo"ed here. +-"e learned that the only

way 'or me to deal with it is to a"oid sit(ations that set me o''.> Great. + had to 'ind the one sweet g(y in ;rights"ille .each with anger iss(es. + realiGe F(ite abr(ptly that we-"e both let go o' each other-s hands as we approach the crowd h(ddled aro(nd the stage where a 5@ is now playing electronic dance m(sic. Some people )(mp (p and down to the beat while others writhe against each other. Some hold cans o' soda in their hands, which, by the enth(siasm o' their thr(sts, are probably 'illed with more than carbonated water and high*'r(ctose corn syr(p. &he smell o' a doGen di''erent s(nscreens, cocon(t, pineapple, )asmine, combined with the scent o' hot, sweaty bodies grinding against each other is intoBicating. + 'ollow !dam as he mo"es thro(gh the crowd, parting the swaying sea o' bodies 'or me. #e ma%es it as close as a 'ew rows o' bodies 'rom the stage be'ore he t(rns aro(nd, wraps his arms aro(nd my waist, and li'ts me (p. + try not to giggle as + get a swooping sensation in my belly. + can 'eel my dress riding (p my bac%, eBposing my bi%ini bottoms to e"eryone. + wrap my arms aro(nd his nec% as he leans his 'orehead against mine. =Claire,> he says, )(st lo(d eno(gh so + can hear him o"er the m(sic. =+-m going to %iss yo(.> #is breath is hot against my mo(th as he slowly mo"es in, stopping )(st be'ore o(r lips to(ch and my whole body aches 'or this %iss. #e smiles and + p(ll him toward me, b(t he t(rns his head at the last second and my lips br(sh his chee%. =.(t not here,> he says into my ear, and +-m '(rio(s with 'r(stration. =<(t me down.> #e plants a so't %iss on my chee%bone then la(ghs when + wipe it away. #e 'inally sets me down on the sand, b(t he holds onto my waist so + can-t t(rn away.

=5on-t be mad,> he yells o"er the m(sic. =+ )(st want it to be per'ect, li%e yo(.> + roll my eyes. =.oy, yo(-"e got a r(de awa%ening coming i' yo( thin% +-m per'ect.> =Ao(-re per'ect,> he insists as he grabs my 'ace and 'orces me to loo% him in the eye. =@(st the right amo(nt o' 'laws.> $(r chests hea"e against each other and + can-t ta%e it anymore. =+ want to go home.> =So soon?> =Ao( didn-t let me 'inish,> + say, ma%ing no attempt to %eep mysel' 'rom staring at his gorgeo(s lips. =+ want to go homeL with yo(.>

Chapter Nine Relentless esire

;e hal'*r(n and hal'*wal% bac% to his apartment. &he entire time +-m trying to mentally sh(tdown all the alarm bells going o'' inside my brain. &his g(y is tro(ble. #e p(rs(es me to the point that +-m begging him to go to bed with him. <l(s, he-s admitted to ha"ing rage iss(es. &his is wrong, wrong, wrong. So why does it 'eel so damn right. !s soon as he closes his 'ront door, he clasps his hand aro(nd the bac% o' my nec%, ensnaring a hand'(l o' my hair, and p(lls my 'ace toward him. #is 'irst %iss is so't as he presses his lips to the corner o' my mo(th. #e %isses the other corner and a sigh b(ilds inside my chest. #is tong(e parts my lips and + whimper as my body melts into him, too wea% to 'ight it. !s i' he co(ld sense this, he scoops me (p in his arms and carries me to his bedroom. #e lays me down on the bed and his gaGe slides o"er me as i' +-m a meal he-s preparing to de"o(r and he can-t decide where to start. #e reaches behind his bac% and t(rns on an oscillating 'an witho(t brea%ing eye contact with me. =+t-s !ery hot in here.> #e p(lls o'' his tan% top and lies on top o' me, s(pporting his weight on his hands as he so'tly %isses my 'orehead. =+ want to ma%e lo"e to yo(,> he whispers as his lips br(sh my temple and lea"e a b(rning trail down the side o' my 'ace be'ore he reaches my ear. =+ want to lea"e yo( daGed and con'(sed 'or a wee% with nothing b(t my name on yo(r lips.> +-m 'ading 'ast. $ne part o' me wants him to %eep going, b(t another "oice inside me %eeps screaming that this is wrong. +-m 'alling too 'ast. +t-s going to happen again.

+ need to F(iet that "oice. + cl(tch his hair and p(ll his 'ace away 'rom my nec%. =&ell me a )o%e. 8(ic%.> #e smiles as he leans down to %iss me and, as his tong(e slides o"er mine, a clash o' emotions threatens to rip me in hal'. =<lease,> + beg, and he groans into my mo(th. =Claire, didn-t anyone e"er warn yo( to ne"er tr(st an atom?> #e %isses the corner o' my mo(th so so'tly it sends a g(st o' longing sweeping thro(gh me. =&hey ma%e e"erything (p.> #is 'ingers s%im the side o' my thigh as they tra"el (pward, snagging the hem o' my dress and eBposing my s%in to the cool air o' the 'an. 7y breath hitches as his 'ingers toy with the edge o' my bi%ini bottoms. =!dam, did anyone e"er tell yo( yo(r )o%es are bad and yo( sho(ld 'eel bad?> =/e"er,> he whispers as he presses his lips against the swell o' my breast. #is hand slides between my thighs and + gasp as he stro%es me thro(gh the 'abric o' my bi%ini. =+s this yo(r s(btle way o' telling me + sho(ldn-t tr(st yo(?> + say, eager to 'ill my brain with any tho(ght other than the "oice that %eeps telling me to stop. #is hand slides (p to my belly then beneath the waistband o' my bi%ini bottoms. 7y whole body goes rigid. =+s this o%ay?> he as%s, loo%ing into my eyes as his 'ingers come to rest on my swollen 'lesh. + want to tell him it is more than o%ay. + desperately want him to %eep going. + want to 'eel him inside me. + want to release all this tension we-"e b(ilt (p on the beach and o"er the past wee%. .(t + %eep thin%ing abo(t the day my li'e changed one year ago and the e"entsJand mista%esJthat led to that day. !nd the co(ntless lies +-"e told since then. + p(sh him o'' me and sit (p on the bed. =+ can-t. +-m sorry.>

+ b(ry my 'ace in my %nees and he lets o(t a 'r(strated sigh as he sits (p neBt to me. =#ey,> he m(rm(rs as he li'ts my chin. =+-m not irritated with yo(, i' that-s what yo( thin%.> + p(rse my lips, (ncon"inced, as + lay my chee% against my %nee. =Ao( sho(ld ta%e this opport(nity to r(n as 'ar away 'rom me as yo( can.> #e lays his palm on the side o' my 'ace and stro%es my chee%bone with his th(mb. =Ao(-re not getting rid o' me that easily. Ao( still owe me something.> #e sweeps my hair o"er my sho(lder then lightly traces a heart on my bac%. + close my eyes as he slides o"er to sit behind me. #is legs stretch o(t on either side o' my hips as he r(bs my sho(lders. + %eep my eyes tightly sh(t as + try to ignore the tingling between my legs when his hand to(ches my b(tt as he ad)(sts his crotch. =+-mL +-m thirsty. +t-s really hot in here.> #e %isses the bac% o' my nec% be'ore he scoots o'' the bed. =+-ll get yo( some water.> !s he wal%s o(t o' the bedroom, @o pops into my head. + wo(ldn-t ha"e the day o'' today i' it weren-t 'or her willing to switch shi'ts with me. + sho(ld go than% her again. /o, +-m )(st loo%ing 'or an eBc(se to get o(t o' this apartment. + tap my 'oot on the mattress as + wait impatiently, b(t a'ter ten min(tes + begin to worry. &hen the smell o' smo%e ma%es my nose per% (p and my body tense. + scramble o'' the bed and slip on my 'lip*'lops be'ore + head o(t to the %itchen. !dam is standing in the %itchen blowing smo%e o(t thro(gh the window abo"e the sin%. #e holds a plastic bl(e bong in his right hand and a lighter in his le't. + wal% into the %itchen and he smiles at me. =Sorry, + sho(ld ha"e bro(ght the water 'irst. +t-s right there.> #e nods toward a tall glass o' ice water on the co(nter, b(t + don-t pic% it (p. #e-s a pothead. &hat-s what he smo%es e"ery night.

#e sets the bong and the lighter down on the co(nter and + glimpse a tattoo on the le't side o' his chest: :ide it out. &he letters are written in dripping bloc% teBt beneath a tattoo o' a compass. &he inner part o' the compass is 'illed with brilliant bl(e wa"es. &he water is his compass. + want to to(ch it, b(t +-m too pee"ed by the 'act that he-s a pothead. =+ sho(ld go,> + say as + t(rn toward the door and, as eBpected, he grabs my hand. =#ey, are yo( pissed that + didn-t bring yo(r water or that +-m smo%ing?> =/either,> + say, witho(t loo%ing at him. #e reaches (p and t(rns my 'ace toward him. E"en thro(gh the haGe o' smo%e in the %itchen, he still loo%s bea(ti'(l. =5on-t go.> + close my eyes to bloc% o(t the sight o' his per'ect lips and the slight pin%ness in the whites o' his eyes. =+-m sorry, this is going to so(nd totally lame, b(t + can-t date a pothead. 7y mom died o' a dr(g o"erdose. !nd + %now weed is nothing li%e heroin, b(t + promised mysel' a long time ago that + wo(ld ne"er get in"ol"ed with someone who does dr(gs. +-m sorry.> + p(ll his hand o'' my 'ace and t(rn to lea"e once more. #e clambers aro(nd me and bloc%s the 'ront door. #is smile is gone and + can only imagine how + m(st be %illing his high. =+ only smo%e a'ter wor% and sometimes on the wee%end. +t-s not a debilitating addiction, b(t + can (nderstand why yo( might 'eel hesitant. ;hat i' + promise ne"er to smo%e aro(nd yo(?> &he smell o' the smo%e on his breath is starting to t(rn me o'' and + instantly sha%e my head. =!ll right, come with me,> he says, grabbing my hand and p(lling me toward the bedroom. =@(st go sit in there and +-ll be right bac%.>

+ sigh as + tr(dge bac% into the bedroom and sit on the edge o' the bed. &he 'a(cet t(rns on in the bathroom and + imagine he-s probably in there br(shing his teeth and gargling some minty mo(thwash. #e 'inally comes bac% and + can smell the mo(thwash as he sits neBt to me witho(t saying anything. =!re yo( o%ay?> + as%. #e 'inally smiles and grabs my hand. =Ao( wanted to %now why + le't ;ilmington to come here.> #e ta%es a deep breath and stretches his nec% be'ore he contin(es. =+ almost %illed someone three months ago.> + want to p(ll my hand o(t o' his, b(t now +-m a'raid o' what he-ll do. =;hat do yo( mean by almost?> =+ told yo( + ha"eJhad problems controlling my temper. +t started a'ter + F(it competing two years ago. +nstead o' getting depressed, + got angry.> #e sF(eeGes my hand tighter. .etween this and the loo% @o ga"e me when she o''ered to ta%e my shi't, +-m beginning to (nderstand that we all m(st be wal%ing aro(nd with secrets that eat away at (s, dri"ing (s to do 'oolish things in the name o' %eeping those secrets b(ried. =+ ca(ght my eB ma%ing o(t with some g(y o(tside her apartment,> he contin(es. =+ went there to s(rprise her when she tho(ght + was in class and + saw her pinned against her 'ront door with this g(y-s hand in her crotch. + '(c%ing 'lipped. + )(st %ept p(mmeling the shit o(t o' him. + co(ldn-t stop. + too% co(rt*ordered anger management classes then + mo"ed here. Some craGy idea that being closer to the water wo(ld help.> #e-s sF(eeGing my hand too hard now and + wriggle my 'ingers to loosen his grip. #e brings my %n(c%les to his lips and %isses me as he loo%s (p. =+ can-t e"en imagine what it m(st ha"e been li%e to lose yo(r mom that way.> Something abo(t the way his eyebrows crin%le together ma%es me lose it. =+ didn-t %now she was dead. ;ell, + didn-t

want to accept it. + con"inced mysel' that she was )(st sleepingL 'or more than thirty ho(rs. &he neighbor, who my mother had led me to belie"e was my grandmother, came by to drop o'' some 'ood and 'o(nd my mom. &he cops 'o(nd me hiding in the noo% between the re'rigerator and the wall. &hat was where my mom always told me to hide whene"er her dealer came o"er or when she le't me home alone so she co(ld score a 'iB. &hat was where + 'elt sa'e.> #e wraps his arm aro(nd my sho(lder and + sl(mp o"er, b(rying my 'ace in my hands. + wish + co(ld tell him e"erything that happened since that dayH e"erything (p (ntil the day + mo"ed into this apartment. 7aybe he wo(ld (nderstand. /o, he co(ldn-t. +t-s been months and e"en + don-t (nderstand. =E"ery night, when + go to sleep, there-s one memory + hold onto and reli"e in my mindJe"ery single night.> + loo% (p and into his 'ace, willing mysel' not to cry. =&he wee% be'ore she died, she in"ited a man o"erJnot to ha"e seB or anythingH he was )(st a 'riend she in"ited o"er once in a while. &hey were sitting on the so'a tal%ing while + was watching cartoons, pretending not to listen to their con"ersation, and the man said something +-ll ne"er 'orget. #e said, ILi'e is only as hard as yo( ma%e it, Mell. Ao( ha"e to let go o' the past or %eep carrying it on yo(r bac% li%e a '(c%ing pile o' bric%s.-> + ta%e a deep breath as + remember how se"en*year*old me had smiled when he c(rsed. =6ednec% wisdom, b(t + too% it to heart.> =So that-s why yo( mo"ed here? &o let go o' yo(r past?> + nod and he smiles at me. =+ g(ess we both had to lose something to 'ind each other.> + stare at the sweet smile on his 'ace 'or a moment be'ore my gaGe 'alls to the tattoo on his chest. &hen + glance at the glass o' ice water on the nightstand and bac% to his 'ace. #e 'ollowed the direction o' his compass to the water and it bro(ght him to me.

+ don-t want to 'eel this way abo(t !dam. + don-t want to mo"e on 'rom what happened so F(ic%ly. +-m s(pposed to wallow in sel'*pity or denial 'or a long time. &hat-s how these things wor%. &his 'eels wrong and 'ast, li%e +-m barreling down a hill in a car with no bra%es. +-m going to crash and body parts are going to 'lyJin partic(lar, hearts. + can 'eel it. .(t + don-t care. + grab hand'(ls o' his hair and p(ll his 'ace toward me, mashing his lips against mine as + climb onto his lap. #is tong(e searches my mo(th as his arms wrap aro(nd my waist p(lling me against him. + reach down to p(ll my dress (p and he grabs my hands. =;ait,> he whispers as he rests his 'orehead against mine and p(lls my hands together in 'ront o' his chest. =+ don-t want yo( to do this i' yo(-re not ready.> =+-m ready,> + respond F(ic%ly, b(t he doesn-t let go o' my hands. =/o, yo(-re not.> =Aes, + am.> =Claire, +-m stoned and e"en I can see that yo(-re not ready.> #e lets go o' my hands and my 'ists 'all so'tly against his chest. #e %isses the tip o' my nose and + press my lips together to hide my smile. =&his is pretty,> + say as + bring my 'ingertip to the top o' his tattoo and trace the circ(lar compass. #e draws in a sharp breath as his s%in pric%les with goose b(mps. =&hat-s what + was going 'or. + told the tattoo artist, I:i"e me yo(r prettiest tattoo,- and it was either this or a pin% b(tter'ly. &he b(tter'ly-s on my ass.> =+ want one.> =Ao( want a tattoo or a tattoo artist?> + ra%e my 'ingers o"er his chest and (p to his collarbone be'ore + wrap my arms aro(nd nec%. =Can yo( ta%e me to get

one?> =+ don-t %now. + thin% +-"e already been a bad eno(gh in'l(ence on yo(.> =<lease. Ao( ha"e this cool little mantra right o"er yo(r heart. + ha"e a mantra, too.> #e coc%s an eyebrow as he leans in to %iss my )aw. =;hat-s yo(r mantra?> =Ao(-re not going to li%e it. /obody li%es it. + got it 'rom a boo% on .(ddhism. /ot that +-m .(ddhist, + )(st read a co(ple o' boo%s and this one sentence sort o' st(c% with me.> #is lips trace a light trail down to my nec% and + ha"e to stop mysel' 'rom grinding against him. =@(st spit it o(t.> + draw in a sharp breath as his tong(e slides across my collarbone and he lays a so't %iss on my sho(lder. =+ am in training to be nobody special,> + whisper. #e 'reeGes 'or a moment then loo%s (p at me. =;hat does that mean?> =+t means +-m not 'ighting the tide trying to be something great or memorable. + am in training to be nobody special. + go with the 'low or, as yo( might say, +-m riding it o(t.> #e ch(c%les as he sha%es his head. =Ao(-re right. + hate it.> =#eyE + didn-t tal% trash abo(t yo(r mantra.> =&hat-s beca(se mine-s awesome,> he says as his 'ingers roam o"er my bac%. =6ide it o(t? $h, how pro'o(nd.> =!nd aiming to be nobody special is pro'o(nd? +t-s not pro'o(nd, it-s depressing. .esides, yo( co(ld ne"er be nobody special.>

Chapter Ten Relentless La#'hter

!dam stops by the ca'C e"ery single day this wee% on his way to wor%, as i' to pro"e that ignoring me all last wee% was )(st a 'l(%e and that he-s ta%ing his stalker #i# serio(sly. &he best part o' his "isits is how m(ch Linda and my cowor%ers li%e him. #e act(ally con"inced Linda to let him gi"e her a lesson in how to dance Gan#nam %tyle in 'ront o' siB other c(stomers. ;atching !dam and my boss groo"ino(t in the middle o' the ca'C ca(sed ma)or swoonage. 5espite these pict(re per'ect morning meetings, + ha"e yet to see !dam a'ter wor%. =+-m telling yo(, he-s a male stripper and he doesn-t want yo( to see him come home co"ered in %iss mar%s and the stench o' cheap per'(me,> Senia says, twisting open a bottle o' Co%e 'or (s to drin% with the piGGa we ordered. =#e-s not a stripper. #e wor%s 'or his dad-s constr(ction company,> + say as + grab a slice o' cheese piGGa and the glass o' soda Senia )(st po(red 'or me. + lean bac% on the so'a and ta%e a sip be'ore + contin(e. =&hen again, he does seem to be a good dancer.> =Ao( %now what they say abo(t good dancers.> She wiggles her eyebrows and + try not to bl(sh. =+ may ne"er %now i' that-s tr(e.> =Ao( sho(ld as% him to go on a do(ble date with (s,> she says be'ore ta%ing a gigantic bite o' her piGGa. =;e sho(ld go to that new hoo%ah bar.> =#ey, s%an%. /o tal%ing with yo(r mo(th'(l.> + ta%e a 'ew g(lps o' soda as + consider her o''er. &he last time + went on a do(ble date with Senia was when she and her 'reshman boy'riend, &ar #eel point g(ard Me"in .rown, too% her, Chris, and me, to a 'rat party where she got so dr(n% she pissed in Me"in-s lap. &hey bro%e (p

'i"e min(tes later and +-m not allowed to spea% o' that night. + wo(ld lo"e to see !dam charm the pants o'' Senia and Eddie, b(t +-m also ner"o(s abo(t ta%ing him o(t in p(blic with that temper o' his. Especially since something tells me he still hasn-t told me the whole story behind it. Somehow, + do(bt that F(itting s(r'ing was the reason he de"eloped anger iss(es. !nd i' + don-t %now what really triggered it, + don-t %now i' +-ll be leading him into a potentially "olatile sit(ation. =ClaaaaaaireE> Senia whines, and + set down my piGGa and soda on the co''ee table. =<lease come with (s. + promise + won-t ma%e '(n o' his dance mo"es or how he hasn-t gone Gan#nam %tyle on yo( yet.> =+ don-t %now i' a hoo%ah bar is the best place 'or him,> + reply, thin%ing o' how lame he-ll probably thin% it is to smo%e 'la"ored tobacco compared to his normal greenery. =;hy?> + shr(g and p(rse my lips and ma%e a 'ew more s%eptical 'aces be'ore + 'inally answer. =!dam-s a pothead.> =.ig '(c%in- deal, so is Eddie. !t least now we %now they-ll get along.> =Eddie smo%es pot?> =Aeah, + )(st always tell him to do it be'ore he comes o"er so yo( don-t get pissed.> =+ wo(ldn-t ha"e gotten pissed.> =;ell, + was )(st trying to be sensiti"e toL yo( %now.> + sha%e my head then %iss her chee%. =+ don-t deser"e a 'riend li%e yo(.> =Ao(-re damn right,> she says, p(shing me away. =Ao( deser"e better.> =Ao(-re right, b(t +-ll settle 'or yo( any day.> =:od damn, yo( %now )(st what to say to get my panties wet.> &he %noc% at the door startles both o' (s and Senia splashes Co%e all o"er the sage*green so'a we went hal"es

on last month. =ShitE> she yelps as she slams her glass on the co''ee table and races to the %itchen to grab some paper towels. + ha"en-t chec%ed on Cora yet today, b(t she rarely e"er %noc%s on o(r door. She doesn-t li%e lea"ing .ig'oot (nattended 'or more than a co(ple o' min(tes at a time. 7aybe !dam is 'inally going to ma%e an appearance. +t is &h(rsday, a'ter all. +t-s almost the wee%end. + answer the door and stare at the g(y standing in 'ront o' me 'or 'ar too long. #e 'inally clears his throat and + ch(c%le aw%wardly. =Sorry. Can + help yo(?> #e holds a simple bo(F(et o' wild'lowers tied with a la"ender ribbon. =!re yo( Claire /iBon?> =Aes.> =Sign here.> #e hands me a clipboard and + sign neBt to the O. #e hands me the 'lowers then m(tters something abo(t ha"ing a good night be'ore he )ogs away toward a white "an. + sh(t the 'ront door and 'ind Senia spraying ;indeB on the so'a and sopping (p the Co%e spill with gobs o' wadded (p paper towels. =!re those 'rom him?> she as%s as she sprays more ;indeB on the eBpensi"e so'a. +-m a bit daGed as + p(ll the card o(t o' the bo(F(et and open it. )hese flowers are nothin# special" unlike you. +t-s li%e the g(y has radar. #e can sense when he-s mo"ing (p my shit list. !nd he %nows )(st what to say to get bac% in my good graces. =;hat i' he has a do(ble*li'e?> + say as + sit bac% on my side o' the so'a and inhale a large whi'' o' the sweetly scented 'lowers. =7aybe he has a girl'riend bac% in ;ilmington who he "isits d(ring the wee%.> =/ow yo(-re )(st being paranoid,> she says as she

gathers the (sed (p paper towels and heads bac% to the %itchen. =;hat does the card say?> =&hese 'lowers are nothing special, (nli%e yo(.> =DghE> she groans. =Ao( told him yo(r mantraE> +-m not in the mood to ha"e my mantra crapped on again so + ignore her while + contin(e sni''ing my 'lowers. &hey-re wild and bea(ti'(l and so m(ch classier than a doGen roses. #e %nows me better than + wo(ld eBpect. =7aybe he is a stal%erE> + sho(t bac% at her )(st as she comes o(t o' the %itchen. She plops down neBt to me and grabs the &N remote o'' the co''ee table. =7aybe yo( sho(ld stop o"eranalyGing this.> ;hen + teBt !dam to than% him 'or the 'lowers and as% i' he wants to go to a hoo%ah bar with (s Friday night, he responds with what co(ld possibly be the hottest teBt message +-"e e"er recei"ed. Adam) * wo#ldn+t miss the chance to see !o#r se&! lips wrapped aro#nd m! hoo,ah-

!'ter Senia introd(ces !dam to Eddie and they ma%e a 'ew d(mb )o%es abo(t going to get some hoo%ahs Pprono(ncing it li%e hoo%*(hsQ, the 'o(r o' (s wal% to the hoo%ah lo(nge 'rom the apartment. &he lo(nge is less than hal' a mile away, b(t Eddie cannot %eep his hands o'' Senia the entire way there. !dam and + wal% a 'ew paces behind them, watching as Eddie-s hand slides (nderneath the bac% o' her &*shirt and

she p(shes him away when she realiGes he-s trying to (ndo her bra. + glance sideways at !dam )(st as he glances at me and + smile. =Ao(-ll get (sed to it. Senia and Eddie are <5! Central.> =+t doesn-t bother me,> he says as he laces his 'ingers thro(gh mine and brings my hand to his lips. =+t-s nice to see two people who aren-t a'raid to ma%e their 'eelings %nown.> +-m not s(re i' he-s implying that +-m a'raid o' sharing my 'eelings with him, b(t + try to 'ollow Senia-s ad"ice and not o"eranalyGe his words or actions. + 'oc(s instead on the bea(ti'(l beach ho(ses and F(aint shops we pass as we wal% down L(mina. #e sF(eeGes my hand and + loo% away 'rom the scenery to 'ind him pointing toward a small ho(se with bl(e sh(tters and a @eep par%ed in the dri"eway. =+ ha"e a meeting with the g(y who li"es there tomorrow, @ason ;ic%er. #e-s a s(r' instr(ctor on Shell +sland and he wants me to wor% with him on wee%ends. + told him my wee%ends belong to yo(, b(t he wo(ldn-t ta%e no 'or an answer.> =Ao(r wee%ends don-t belong to me,> + reply F(ic%ly, ignoring the pang o' disappointment at the tho(ght o' spending e"en less time with him. =Ao( sho(ld wor% with him. Ao( need to get bac% o(t there.> =+t-s not li%e + don-t still s(r'. ;hat do yo( thin% +-m doing e"ery night when yo( don-t see me?> 7y eyes widen as + realiGe +-"e been a complete dope, coo%ing (p all these (nsa"ory scenarios in my head 'or the ways he spends his 'ree ho(rs. ;hen + don-t answer he sha%es my hand to prompt a response. =;hat did yo( thin% + was doing?> + shr(g as my ears b(rn with embarrassment. =Senia and + considered a 'ew di''erent scenarios.> =S(ch as?> =S(ch asL a stripper.>

#e la(ghs so hard he has a co(ghing 'it. Senia and Eddie t(rn aro(nd to see what the '(ss is abo(t and + wa"e at them to let them %now e"erything-s o%ay. =Ao( tho(ght + was a stripper?> =&hat was Senia-s s(ggestion.> =&ell her + said than% yo(. ;hat was your s(ggestion?> =+t-s not important.> =!w, come on.> #e steps in 'ront o' me and b(sts o(t the p(ppy dog eyes as he wal%s bac%ward. =<lease. +-ll gi"e yo( a 'ree lap dance.> + p(sh him hard in the chest and he grabs my wrist. #is other arm hoo%s aro(nd my waist and he yan%s me 'l(sh against him. =;hat yo( thin% o' me is !ery important,> he says in a harsh whisper that 'rightens and thrills me all at once. #e leans in closer and smiles against my lips, b(t he doesn-t %iss me. 7y heart th(mps against my chest as + smile, waiting 'or him to %iss me beca(se + %now he-s waiting 'or me to gi"e in. #e lets go o' my wrist and his 'ingertips br(sh my )aw as he plants a so't %iss on the corner o' my lips. #e p(lls away and sF(ints at me as i' he-s trying to 'ig(re me o(t. =Ao(-re going to be my down'all.> #e grabs my hand and we pic% (p o(r pace to catch (p with Senia and Eddie. =+ s(ggested that yo( might be a stal%er,> + admit, and 'rom the corner o' my eye + glimpse him sha%ing his head. =Ao(-re testing my patience, Claire.> =+-m )(st being honest. Ao(-"e %nown more abo(t me than +-"e %nown abo(t yo( 'rom the second we met. +-m sitting in my apartment wondering why the '(c% + only see yo( on wee%ends while yo(-re p(mping Cora 'or in'ormation on me. Ao( do realiGe that-s not 'air.> =!ll Cora told me abo(t yo( was that yo( mo"ed into the b(ilding in 7ay and yo( don-t go to school. &hat doesn-t

ma%e me a stal%er.> #e ch(c%les when he says stalker. =#a"e yo( e"er considered that yo( might be a bit easier to read than yo( thin% yo( are?> + sha%e my head as we cross the street toward the hoo%ah lo(nge. =Ao( thin% yo( ha"e me 'ig(red o(t beca(se yo( sent me the right %ind o' 'lowers and yo( g(essed that + dropped o(t o' school? ;ell, let me tell yo( something, !dam, yo( %now the Claire /iBon that mo"ed here three months ago. !nd +-m starting to thin% that-s all yo(-ll e"er %now.> ;hen we arri"e at the hoo%ah lo(nge, he opens the door 'or (s to go inside, b(t he re'(ses to loo% at me. ;e sit at a booth with a low table in 'ront o' (s and !dam immediately snatches the men( o'' the table. Senia coc%s an eyebrow at me as she begins to sense the tension between !dam and me as + scoot closer to her and 'arther 'rom him. + sha%e my head so she doesn-t mention it and she rolls her eyes. =Cranberry )(ice shisha? ;hat a '(c%in- )o%e,> !dam says as he tosses the men( onto the table and reaches into his poc%et. =+-"e got something that doesn-t so(nd li%e a '(c%ing drin% miBer.> #e t(c%s his hand behind his bac% as the waitress comes by and as%s 'or o(r order and what %ind o' pipe we-d li%e to smo%e o(t o'. + don-t say a word beca(se + won-t be smo%ing any o' it. !dam orders a water pipe and points at the 'irst 'la"or on the men(: Miwi. !s the waitress lea"es, his eyes 'ollow her ass 'or a 'ew seconds be'ore he t(rns bac% to (s. =5on-t they ha"e water in this place?> + as%, s(ddenly parched. =;e-ll get yo( some water, babe,> Senia ass(res me as !dam glances aro(nd the lo(nge as i' we don-t eBist. Eddie loo%s at Senia F(estioningly and she whispers something in his ear. #is eyes widen a little as i' he (nderstands, b(t he ne"er loo%s at !dam or me. + ne"er really had 'riends (ntil Chris got me to open (p.

Chris was my best 'riend (ntil + met Senia so it %ills me to see her whispering secrets to Eddie. ! small part o' me is )ealo(s that she has something to share with him that she can-t share with me, b(t + %now the whispering probably has more to do with !dam-s presence than mine. =Claire, can yo( please )oin me in the girls- room?> Senia as%s sweetly. Eddie stands (p so Senia and + can slide o(t o' the booth. + mo"e F(ic%ly toward the restroom sign + see in the corner near the entrance, eager to get away 'rom !dam and his shitty attit(de. + sho(ld ha"e ne"er as%ed him to come o(t on a Friday. !s soon as we enter the restroom, Senia ro(nds on me. =;hat the '(c% is (p with yo( two?> =+ don-t %now. $ne min(te we-re )o%ing abo(t him being a stripper, the neBt min(te he-s %issing me, then the neBt second +-m Itesting his patience-. #e-s got m(ltiple personalities.> Senia rolls her eyes. =;oman, he doesn-t ha"e m(ltiple personalities. #e-s in lo"e.> =;hat? &hat-s st(pid.> &he restroom door opens and Senia sha%es her head as she scoots o(t o' the way 'or three girls to enter. =+t-s not st(pid. +-m sorry, Claire, b(t yo( were spoiled by Chris. #e was too patient with yo( beca(se he %new that was what yo( needed. .(t the problem is now yo( don-t %now how most g(ys beha"e when they-re in lo"e.> =#e-s not in lo"e. ;e-"e %nown each other 'or two wee%s.> =+t doesn-t matter. &he g(y is either in lo"e or )onesin'or yo(r hoo*hah. @(st do me a 'a"or and tr(st me when + say yo( need, need, need to let yo(rsel' eBperience this. E"en i' it-s )(st a 'ling. #e-s the %ind o' g(y who can help yo( p(t that other shit behind yo(.> =$r bring it all to the s(r'ace and ca(se a mental

brea%down. + ha"en-t told yo( abo(t o(r little bet, ha"e +?> =;hat bet?> ! girl wearing way too m(ch eyeliner smiles at me as she eBits the restroom, as i' she %nows what bet +-m re'erring to. $nce she-s gone + sigh. =#e bet me that he co(ld get me to tell him why + dropped o(t. +' he wins, + ha"e to go bac% to school.> =;hoa, whoa, whoaL. Ao( agreed to this?> =+ %now. +t-s so st(pid.> =/o, it-s not. +t-s brilliantE> &he restroom door opens again and this time it-s a g(y who-s act(ally %ind o' hot b(t ob"io(sly stoned. #is eyes widen when he sees (s and he F(ic%ly apologiGes as he closes the door. =+t-s not brilliant. +-"e been o(t o' school too long and yo( %now + can-t go bac% to 6aleigh.> @(st saying the name alo(d ma%es my body tense. E"erything and e"erybody +-"e e"er %nown is in 6aleigh. E"ery memory o' my mother and Chris are there. $' co(rse, the person +-"e been trying to a"oid more than anyone is there: @ac%ie Mnight. +' @ac%ie %new what + did a'ter Chris le't, she wo(ld hate me more than she probably already does since + disappeared. She might e"en hate me more than + hate mysel'. =Ao( can go bac%, and yo( sho(ld, b(t that-s a whole other two*ho(r arg(ment we can rehash later.> Senia grabs my arms and stares at me, her eyes pleading. =For now, )(st go o(t there and try to ha"e some '(n. <lease.> + wriggle o(t o' her grasp and shr(g as + reach 'or the door handle and yan% it open. =+ can ha"e '(n witho(t being a '(c%ing doormat.> + storm o(t o' the restroom and bac% to o(r booth. ;hen + get there, + 'ind !dam and Eddie la(ghing abo(t something as !dam passes the hoo%ah pipe across the table. &he smell

o' the pot is hardly noticeable thro(gh the thic% clo(d o' sweetly scented tobacco smo%e. ;hen !dam sees me he immediately stands so + can scoot in on his side. 7aybe Eddie had a tal% with him, as well. #e smiles as + slide in. #e sits down and immediately leans o"er to whisper in my ear. =Ao( loo% bea(ti'(l tonight. + 'orgot to tell yo( that earlier.> + can smell the smo%e on his breath, b(t the sensation o' his lips against my ear is eno(gh to almost ma%e me 'orget why + was mad at him. + t(rn my 'ace toward him so o(r noses are to(ching and his gaGe slides down to my lips. =+ don-t thin% yo(-re a stal%er,> + whisper. =+ thin%L + wish yo( were aro(nd more o'ten.> +t ma%es my chest ache with anBiety )(st to say these words alo(d. + don-t want to open mysel' (p to him li%e this, b(t Senia is right. + need this, whether it-s a 'ling or something more. + don-t want to end (p a brittle old broad or, worse, a terri'ied sh(t*in li%e my mom. #e smiles be'ore he plants a so't %iss on my lips and + p(t my hand on top o' his thigh to steady mysel'. #e p(lls away and %isses my 'orehead. =+-ll ta%e yo( o(t with me neBt time + go to the beach.> + nod, too a'raid that i' + spea% something e"en cornier may come o(t. + glance at Senia neBt to me and she-s pretending not to notice this eBchange between !dam and me. $ne thing + can say abo(t Senia is that she is great at being discreet when it-s necessary. Senia and + re'(se to smo%e both the tobacco and the weed, b(t + soon start to 'eel as i' my brain is becoming as 'oggy as this room. !dam-s la(ghter begins to so(nd a bit distant, li%e canned la(ghter in a sitcom. + blin% '(rio(sly, as i' this will wa%e me (p, and !dam loo%s at me '(nny. =!re yo( o%ay?> he as%s. =+ 'eel li%e +-m in a mo"ie. Ao( loo% li%e a mo"ie star.> + reach o(t and to(ch his 'ace. =Ao( ha"e 'acial hair and it

'eels so scratchy. +-m thirsty.> + reach 'or the glass o' water in 'ront o' me, b(t it-s empty. =+-m so thirsty.> =!w, shit. Ao( ha"e a contact high. + thin% it-s time to get yo( home.> #e stands (p and nods toward the eBit. =Come on. Ao( need some 'resh air.> Senia and Eddie stay behind while !dam wal%s me home. &he cool night air 'eels li%e hea"en on my s%in, b(t the sidewal% loo%s li%e a treadmill belt. +-m getting nowhere. .y the time + arri"e at my apartment, +-m 'eeling more clearheaded, tho(gh + ha"e no memory o' how we got there. =+s Eddie staying o"er?> !dam as%s as + dig inside my p(rse 'or my %eys. + la(gh way harder at this than + sho(ld. =Ao( want me to spend the night again.> #e sha%es his head. =@(st trying to sa"e yo( 'rom ha"ing to listen to Senia and Eddie doing all the things we sho(ld be doing.> =+ can-t see anything in this p(rse. +t-s too dar%.> Finally, + sho"e my p(rse into his chest and he grins. =!ll right, !dam, yo( want to ha"e seB with me? Ao( thin% yo( can handle this?> + giggle (ncontrollably beca(se + %now +-m being ridic(lo(s, b(t + can-t stop. =.ring it.> #e grabs my hand and p(lls me toward the stairs. =$h, it-s already been bro(ghten.> + la(gh as + climb the stairs behind him. =+ lo"e that yo( always get my mo"ie re'erences. Ao(-re so '(nnyL and hot.> #e ch(c%les as he climbs the last 'ew stairs and reaches into his poc%et 'or his %eys. =+ need to get yo( stoned more o'ten.>

Chapter Ele$en Relentless (#ilt

+ open my eyes and stare at the oscillating 'an neBt to the bed. E"en with the 'an pointed straight at me, +-m still sweating and + F(ic%ly (nderstand why. !dam-s chest is pressed against my bac% and +-m wearing nothing b(t a bra and panties. + ha"e a "ag(e memory o' tearing o'' my tan% top and shorts, b(t + can-t remember m(ch else. #is arm is wrapped aro(nd my waist and his breath is hot against the bac% o' my head. $(r bodies are stic%y e"erywhere o(r s%in is to(ching. +t-s (nbearably hot and h(mid in here. $n the bright side, he-s not s(''ering 'rom morning wood syndrome. + need to get o(t o' here. + ha"e a bad 'eeling we had 'orgettable seB and + don-t want to admit that + can-t remember it. + slowly attempt to scoot 'orward to peel my bac% o'' his chest and he gr(nts as he tightens his arm aro(nd my waist. =:o bac% to sleep,> he groans, and now that + %now he-s awa%e + let o(t the breath +-"e been holding. =;hat time is it? + wor% at three.> =+t-s still morning. :o bac% to sleep.> =+ can-t. +t-s too hot in here.> =&hen ta%e these o'',> he says, hoo%ing his th(mb into the waistband o' my panties. =+-d be happy to help yo( with that.> + roll o"er to 'ace him and he whips his head o(t o' the way so + don-t elbow him in the 'ace. =#ey, Smo%ey the .ear,> + say. :od, he loo%s so seBy when he-s groggy. =Ao( thin% yo(-re so hot, b(t + don-t e"en remember what happened last night so it can-t be that good.> #e la(ghs in my 'ace and + can still smell a hint o' smo%e on his breath. =&hat-s beca(se nothing happened last

night.> =/othing happened?> =Ao( wal%ed into my room, stripped down to yo(r (nderwear, made some comment abo(t this being the most com'ortable bed in the (ni"erse, and %noc%ed o(t.> =$hL. Somehow, + 'ind that a little disappointing.> =Ao(-re b(mmed we didn-t ha"e 'orgettable seB? $r yo(-re b(mmed we didn-t ha"e seB?> &he tr(th is, +-m a little disappointed we ha"en-t gotten the whole first time thing o(t o' the way. +t-s too m(ch press(re. + ha"en-t been with anyone other than Chris and, li%e Senia said last night, he spoiled me. #e waited more than two years be'ore we had seB on my eighteenth birthday. +-"e only %nown !dam two wee%s, b(t this need to get the seB o"er with tells me that we sho(ld probably wait. =+ g(ess +-m disappointed we didn-t ha"e seB,> + reply, beca(se + %now that-s what he wants to hear. =Ao( #uess yo(-re disappointed?> #e br(shes a loc% o' hair away 'rom my 'ace and li'ts my chin so he can loo% me in the eye. =Ao(-re not a "irgin, are yo(?> =;hat? /oE> + don-t %now why +-m so adamant with my response. =+ am not a "irgin.> )hou#h part of me wishes I were. #e smiles as he slips his arm aro(nd my waist and p(lls me closer. + swallow hard as his erection )abs my thigh thro(gh his boBers. 'h" God. #e leans in to %iss me and, as soon as his lips to(ch mine, my body relaBes into him. + slide my arms aro(nd his nec% as he rolls me onto my bac%. #e p(shes my legs open with his %nee as his 'ingers s%ates (p my side. #is tong(e 'lirts with mine and my nipples per% (p beneath the 'abric o' my bra. #e grinds against me as his hand c(ps my breast and + %now this is it. ;e-re going to ha"e seB. #e slips his hand (nderneath me and p(lls his head

bac% when his 'ingers 'ind the hoo% on my bra. =+s this o%ay?> he as%s. 7y heart is po(nding, b(t the need throbbing between my legs is more intense. =+ want this,> + say with a nod. =+ want yo(.> #e (nhoo%s my bra and watches as + slide the straps down. + toss it o"er the edge o' the bed and he gaGes at me with a deep sense o' wonderment and longing in his eyes. #e lays a so't trail o' %isses 'rom my stern(m to my breast and + let o(t a small gasp as he ta%es my nipple into his mo(th. #is 'ingers mo"e lightly o"er my belly to my hip. #e grasps the waist o' my panties and loo%s (p at me, his eyes F(estioning i' he can remo"e these, too. + nod and li't my hips so he can slip them o''. #e ta%es o'' his boBers and he s(pports his weight on his elbows as he %isses me slowly. #is lips graGe my )aw as he mo"es to my nec% then down to my breast again. #e %eeps going (ntil his head is between my legs. #e loo%s (p at me, a smile in his eyes, then his mo(th is on me. #is tong(e swirls aro(nd my swollen clit and, it-s been so long, it doesn-t ta%e m(ch. + come F(ic% and probably too lo(dly. #is body slides o"er mine as he slin%s (p and %isses my 'orehead. #e smiles as he slips a condom o(t o' his nightstand and rips it open with his teeth. + can-t breathe. )he nurse wheels me out of the hospital room and" after what I!e &ust been throu#h" Im surprised I ha!e enou#h ener#y to be fri#htened by the si#ht of the person standin# ten feet ahead of me ne3t to the nurses station. ;oanie )ipton hands the nurse behind the desk a piece of paper then turns toward me. %enia steps in front of the wheelchair to block me from ;oanies !iew" but its too late. ;oanie has already seen me. /nd by the shit-eatin# #rin on her face" she knows e3actly why Im here.

'f all the people in the world" ;oanie is the last person I want to see here. %hes had it out for me since our senior year in hi#h school when Chris and I were broken up for three weeks and he still re&ected her in!itation to the prom. %he showed up at the <ni#hts house the day before he left in ;uly to wish him well. Chris and I were &ust #ettin# ready to lea!e to celebrate my birthday a month early. =ater that ni#ht" I used ;oanie as an e3ample of all the #roupies Chris would ha!e access to on tour. I told him we should break up so he could #et all that stuff out of his system. I didnt think I could handle findin# out hed faltered while we were still to#ether. ;oanie doesnt know I used her crush on Chris as an e3ample of why we should break up" but as she stands there smilin# at me I know she will mo!e mountains to tell him she saw me here today. Im not in the ri#ht state of mind to deal with ;oanie. My chest muscles ache from three days of uncontrollable sobbin# and Im woo(y from the mild sedati!e I was #i!en twenty minutes a#o. /s she approaches us on her way down the corridor" the panic builds inside me" but it manifests only in tears. ,*hat the fuck are you starin# at-. %enia snarls at her" and ;oanies smile !anishes &ust as she disappears somewhere behind the wheelchair. )he nurse continues to push my wheelchair forward" but e!erythin# mo!es in slow motion compared to my racin# heartbeat. %hes #oin# to tell Chris e!erythin# and this time Ill lose him fore!er. =Claire.> !dam-s "oice sha%es the memory loose and + open my eyes to 'ind him sitting neBt to me instead o' lying on top o' me. Cool tears stream down my temples and into my hair. + F(ic%ly wiped them away be'ore + sit (p and c(rl my legs into my chest.

=;hat happened?> + as% as + stare at the 'oot o' the bed to a"oid loo%ing at him. + don-t want to see the eBpression on his 'ace. + don-t want to see )(st how craGy he thin%s + am. =/othing. Ao( sF(eeGed yo(r eyes sh(t and started crying. /othing happened. + swear.> + 'eel eBposed, emotionally and physically. + want to gather my clothes and get o(t o' here, b(t +-m too a'raid to mo"e. =5o yo( want to tell me what happened?> + sha%e my head as + straighten my legs o(t in 'ront o' me and p(ll the sheet (p to my chest to co"er mysel'. =Ao( thin% yo( want to %now what happenedJwhat made me drop o(tJb(t yo( don-t (nderstand that i' + tell yo( yo(-ll want nothing more to do with me.> =Ao( don-t %now that.> #e br(shes my messy hair o(t o' my eyes and the loo% in his eyes brea%s my heart. + will ne"er tell him. =Come here,> he whispers as he p(lls me into his arms. !s soon as + press the side o' my 'ace to his sho(lder, the tears come again. ;hat the hell was + thin%ing? Eno(gh time hasn-t passed since that day in the hospital. + sho(ld ha"e %nown it was too soon.

Chapter Twel$e Relentless .a$es

!'ter Sat(rday-s brea%down, +-m shoc%ed that he still wants me to go to the beach with him on ;ednesday night, my only day o'' 'rom the ca'C this wee%. + spend all day ;ednesday at the apartment. + immediately get ca(ght (p in an endless loop o' watching recorded episodes o' >ampire 6iaries, doing la(ndry, and meditating. .y the time Senia gets home early 'rom wor%, +-"e washed all o(r clothes and linens and meditated 'o(r times. + ha"en-t 'elt this relaBed in wee%s. She hangs her p(rse (p on the peg inside the coat closet and plops down neBt to me on the so'a. =+ can-t wor% with him anymoreE> + %now she-s re'erring to her dad. #e spoils her 'inancially, b(t he-s also eBtremely controlling. :rowing (p, her 'ather dictated what Senia and her two sisters wore, ate, and who they be'riended (p (ntil they grad(ated 'rom high school. She wasn-t allowed to date (ntil her senior year and only then beca(se her date was a 'riend o' the 'amily. ;hen she got to D/C two years ago, she was a completely di''erent person than she is now. She was scared and shy, b(t it didn-t ta%e long 'or the real Senia to emerge. +n the beginning o' o(r 'reshman year, it was the alcohol that bro(ght her o(t. E"ent(ally she stopped getting dr(n% e"ery wee%end. &he 'irst time she tal%ed bac% to her 'ather was when he re'(sed to p(t the pin% slip 'or her car in her name. She %new he only wanted the car in his name so he co(ld (se the car as a means to control her. From the moment she told him to fuck off their relationship changed. #e now only spea%s to her when he needs to 'or wor% p(rposes. &heir relationship is almost eno(gh to ma%e me grate'(l + ne"er %new my 'ather.

=;hat did he do today?> + as% as + reach 'or the remote. =;hy do yo( as% li%e that, li%e yo(-re tired o' hearing me complain abo(t my )ob?> =+-m sorry. + didn-t mean to gi"e o'' that "ibe. + g(ess it was )(st a bad word choice. + sho(ld ha"e le't o'' Itoday-.> Senia sighs as she p(ts her 'eet (p on the co''ee table. =+t-s o%ay. +-m )(st really annoyed right now. #e wants me to mo"e bac% in this wee%end. + told him there-s still 'o(r more wee%s be'ore the semester starts, b(t he said he wo(ld ta%e my car away i' + don-t go bac% to wor%ing at the main o''ice, where he can %eep an eye on me. #e-s tired o' me lea"ing wor% early.> =!nd yo(r response was to lea"e wor% early?> She t(rns to me and + can see by the apologetic loo% in her eyes that she agreed to her 'ather-s demands. =+-m so sorry, Claire, b(t + need my car.> + nod and manage a wea% smile. =+t-s no big deal. + can 'ind another roommate. !nd, hey, Linda might act(ally gi"e me more ho(rs i' + as% !dam to go on a date with her.> =:od, + 'eel li%e s(ch a dirt*bag lea"ing yo( hanging li%e this. + really wanted to spend the rest o' the s(mmer here.> =5on-t 'eel bad,> + say, grabbing her hand. =+-ll be 'ine. !nd yo( and Eddie are welcome to hang o(t or sleepo"er whene"er yo( want.> She stares at me 'or a moment and + can see the wheels t(rning in her head. =Ao( sho(ld mo"e in withJ> =5on-t say itE> =;hate"er. !re yo( two still going s(r'ing today?> =Aeah, (nless yo( want to do something. + 'eel li%e + sho(ld be spending the rest o' this wee% with yo(.> =$h, please. Ao( act li%e +-m dying in 'o(r days.> =;ell, not all o' yo(.> =Aeah, )(st the part that lo"es watching yo( meditate.> !t eBactly siB in the e"ening, a %noc% comes at the

door. +-m ready with my yellow bi%ini (nderneath my 'aded* bl(e 6oBy &*shirt and a pair o' white board shorts that + (s(ally only wear aro(nd the ho(se beca(se they barely co"er my ass, b(t Senia insisted + wear them. +-m eBcited. +-"e seen g(ysJhot g(ysJs(r'ing at the beach doGens o' times since + mo"ed to ;rights"ille .each, b(t something abo(t getting to see !dam o(t there gi"es me b(tter'lies. +-m 'inally going to get to share his passion 'or the water with him. !nd eno(gh time, and meditation, has passed between Sat(rday and today that +-m 'eeling a lot less g(ilty abo(t lea"ing him hanging. + open the door and !dam is leaning against the door'rame with one hand in the poc%et o' his board shorts. #e-s shirtless so e"en when he loo%s (p at me with those stri%ing green eyes, all + can loo% at is his per'ectly m(sc(lar chest. =!re yo( ready to get tossed?> =+s that a promise?> + say as + step o(tside. #e la(ghs as he throws his arms aro(nd my waist, li'ts me o'' the gro(nd, and %isses me. #is lips are warm and so't as + ta%e his bottom lip between my teeth. #e moans so'tly and + 'eel him sti''ening against me. =Ao(-d better stop that or +-m going to ta%e yo( (pstairs right now.> + gi"e him a so't pec% on the lips then tighten my arms aro(nd his nec% as + lay my head on his sho(lder. #e sF(eeGes me tightly and + sigh. &his is the best h(g +-"e gotten in months. #e 'inally sets me down and cradles my 'ace as he %isses both my eyelids. =&han%s 'or coming with me.> + grin (ncontrollably beca(se something has shi'ted between (s. Something magical is happening. + 'eel delirio(sly happy 'or the 'irst time since Chris le't. !dam says he normally wal%s to the beach, b(t today we-re ta%ing the tr(c% beca(se he bro(ght an eBtra s(r'board

'or me. #e par%s in 'ront o' a ho(se near the beach and carries both o(r boards across the sand. #e lays the boards 'lat on the damp sand near the edge o' the water and loo%s at me. =#a"e yo( e"er s(r'ed?> =+ ha"e, act(ally. Fallon, the girl who ta(ght me to meditate, tried to teach me a co(ple o' times. + act(ally stood (p on the board once.> =:ood,> he says, t(c%ing his board (nder his arm. =&hen + don-t ha"e to go thro(gh all the standard st('' abo(t how to pop (p.> =6eally? ;e-re )(st going to go right o(t?> =Claire, the s(n-s going down in less than two ho(rs. Ao( won-t be able to s(r' a'ter the s(n goes down.> =.(t yo( do.> =.eca(se + don-t need to see the water to %now where it-s going.> + can-t help b(t sigh as + peel o'' my clothes. =&hat is so hot.> =.esides, the shar%s come o(t at night.> =Shar%sE> #e sha%es his head as he bo(nds toward the water. + grab my board and 'ollow a'ter him. $nce we-re waist deep in the warm !tlantic $cean, we-re 'orced to contin(ally d(c% di"e (nder the relentless wa"es (ntil we-re 'ar eno(gh past the brea%s. ;e paddle o(t a bit '(rther (ntil we get to a place where we can t(rn aro(nd to 'ace the beach. + can hardly breathe and my limbs ache. 7y arms tremble as + climb onto the board to straddle it the way !dam does. =!re yo( o%ay? + nod beca(se + don-t ha"e eno(gh air in my l(ngs to spea%. &he rolling motion o' the water is carrying o(r boards 'arther apart and ma%ing me a little F(easy. #e holds his hand o(t to me. + ta%e his hand and he yan%s me toward him.

=$%ay, +-m going to tell yo( something + ne"er tell anybody when they as% me 'or a s(r'ing lesson.> =;hat?> =Ao( loo% really seBy in that bi%ini.> =!nd yo(-d better not tell anyone else that.> =$oh, yo( wear )ealo(sy e"en better than yo( wear that bi%ini,> he says as he leans o"er and %isses my temple. =Ao( sho(ld ta%e it o''.> =Foc(s, !dam.> =6ight.> #e gaGes at the wa"es as they crash onto the shore be'ore (s 'or a while be'ore he spea%s again. ;hat he says has nothing to do with s(r'ing. =+ want yo( to meet my parents.> =&hat-s yo(r idea o' 'oc(sing?> #e tilts his head as he loo%s at me beca(se he %nows +-m trying to a"oid the s(b)ect. =Ao( don-t ha"e to, b(t +-m going there this wee%end. &hey-re ha"ing their ann(al s(mmer picnic on my (ncle-s ranch and + want yo( to come with me beca(se + don-t thin% + can handle being away 'rom yo( all wee%end.> + recogniGe that )ittery 'eeling in my belly, and it-s the 'eeling that scares me more than what !dam-s proposing. + can 'eel mysel' 'alling. #ard. +' + meet his parents, it will be li%e completely gi"ing into that 'eeling. &his won-t be in'at(ation anymore. +t will be serio(s. %ay somethin#" Claire, my inner "oice sho(ts at me. =$%ay.> =Ao(-ll go?> + nod 'iercely and he leans o"er to %iss me so 'ast we both 'lip o(r boards and slip into the water. ! tangle o' seaweed snags on my 'oot and + scream. #e la(ghs as he gathers o(r boards. =!ll right, no more 'ooling aro(nd. +-m abo(t to gi"e yo( a serio(s lesson.> ;e climb bac% onto o(r boards and hold hands as we watch the wa"es brea% against the shore.

=<ay attention to the rhythm and mo"ement o' the water.> #e lets go o' my hand and + draw in a deep breath. &he water dips and s(rges beneath my board and + can 'eel my body relaBing as + grip the rails, paying close attention. &here-s a de'inite rhythm to the rise and crash o' each wa"e. ;itho(t %nowing, + realiGe +-"e closed my eyes and +-m "is(aliGing the wa"es based on the so(nd. +t-s so peace'(l o(t here. =!re yo( ready?> he as%s, and + nod as + open my eyes. #e points at the wa"es as he tells me what to do. + try to repeat all his instr(ctions in my head as + lie down on the board. ush the nose down? lean into the direction of the wa!e?. =et the momentum of the water carry you. #e sho"es my board 'orward and sho(ts, =Start paddlingE> 7y 'irst lesson is a disaster so as soon as the s(n starts to set behind (s, + breathe a sigh o' relie' and ma%e my way bac% to solid gro(nd. 7y )elly legs gi"e o(t beneath me and + 'all to my %nees neBt to my beach bag. + wipe the saltwater 'rom my 'ace with a towel, lay the towel o(t on the sand, and collapse 'acedown. =#ey, yo( didn-t do too bad,> !dam says as he p(lls a bottle o' water o(t o' my beach bag and hands it to me. + ta%e the water and t(rn onto my side so + can g(GGle it down. =Aeah, not so bad. + ne"er once stood (p.> =&hat-s o%ay 'or yo(r 'irst time o(t. +n 'act, it-s eBpected. &r(st me, +-ll ha"e yo( riding in the c(rl soon.> =!re yo( going to ta%e that wee%end )ob on Shell +sland?> =!re yo( going to be my 'irst st(dent?> =+ can-t a''ord s(r' lessons.> =+-m s(re @ason won-t mind me donating some lessons to a 'ew hopeless cases e"ery now and then.> + roll my eyes as + t(rn o"er onto my bac%. =+ don-t ha"e the energy to be o(traged by that comment.>

;e-re both silent 'or a moment be'ore + realiGe that the s(n is abo(t to set. + sit (p and the intense loo% in his eyes tells me his mind is 'ar away 'rom this beach right now. #e grabs my hand and the sand r(bs between o(r wrin%led palms as he laces his 'ingers thro(gh mine. =Claire, + as%ed yo( to go with me this wee%end 'or more than one reason.> #e pa(ses 'or a moment be'ore he peels his gaGe away 'rom the daGGling pin% s(nset to loo% at me. =+-m 'alling in lo"e with yo(.> + open my mo(th to respond and he presses his 'inger against my lips to stop me. =+ don-t want yo( to say anything. + )(st want yo( to %now that. + lo"e yo(.> #e waits a moment be'ore he remo"es his 'inger 'rom my lips. + want to say it bac% beca(se + thin% he deser"es to hear it and beca(se + do 'eel something strong li%e lo"e growing inside o' me. .(t +-m not certain yet. + scoot 'orward a little on my towel so o(r sides are to(ching and lean my head on his sho(lder. #e %isses my 'orehead as he wraps his towel aro(nd me. ;e watch the s(nset in silence as + thin% to mysel', /dam lo!es the sunset and me.

Chapter Thirteen Relentless /ic,erin'

=!re yo( s(re yo( don-t need any more help pac%ing?> + as% as + slip my 'eet into some strappy wedge sandals. =+' yo( as% me that one more time +-m going to hide yo(r %eys and loc% yo( o(t o' this apartment,> Senia says, p(shing me o(t o' the bedroom. =:et o(t o' here. :o ride some horses on yo(r cowboy-s ranch. !nd while yo(-re at it, ride yo(r cowboy.> =+t-s not his ranch.> =5on-t sass me, Claire, )(st do as yo(-re told.> She p(shes me all the way to the 'ront door, still managing to grab my p(rse o'' the brea%'ast bar along the way. She p(shes the p(rse into my chest and + p(ll her into a bone*cr(shing h(g. =+-m going to miss ha"ing yo( here,> + bl(bber into her hair. =;ho am + going to watch &oni Collette mo"ies with on my birthday.> =:irl, +-m ta%ing !(g(st 0th o'' whether my dad li%es it or not. ;e will be dancing and sobbing to Muriels *eddin# together. /ow go.> + ga"e her one last sF(eeGe be'ore + release her. + bite my lip as + sc(rry o(t o' the apartment, trying really hard to con"ince mysel' that being separated by a h(ndred miles is not going to change o(r 'riendship. ;hen + mo"ed o(t o' Senia-s ho(se in 7ay, + did it %nowing she had promised to spend the s(mmer with me. /ow that she-s lea"ing 'o(r wee%s early, + ha"e to 'ight the sin%ing 'eeling that o(r 'riendship is going to wither li%e the 'lowers on my nightstand. + climb the stairs to !dam-s apartment and %noc% so'tly. +-m beyond ner"o(s abo(t meeting his 'amily, b(t the tho(ght o' spending an entire wee%end with them is eno(gh

to ma%e me want to con'ess my secret to !dam and go bac% to schoolJanything to get o(t o' it. +-"e ne"er done well meeting new people, especially when + 'eel li%e they-re scr(tiniGing me. + %noc% again, a little harder this time, and he answers the door F(ic%ly. #e-s dressed, b(t his hair is still damp and stic%ing o(t in e"ery direction. !nd he smells hea"enly. =#ey, babydoll,> he says, planting a F(ic% %iss on my lips. =:o ahead and sit down. +-m almost done.> 1abydoll. + try not to grin too widely as + head 'or the so'a while he heads bac% to the bathroom. + can hear a blow*dryer whining as + gaGe aro(nd the li"ing room, ta%ing in the "ario(s ob)ects +-d ne"er really paid too m(ch attention to with !dam pro"iding s(ch a delicio(s distraction. +n the corner, on top o' his dra'ting table, + glimpse bl(eprints 'or some %ind o' b(ilding and my c(riosity gets the best o' me. + want to %now what he spends his time loo%ing at all those long ho(rs we-re apart. + creep across the carpet to the des% and p(sh the stool aside so + can get a better loo% at the prints. +t loo%s li%e plans 'or a ho(se, tho(gh + can-t (nderstand why he wo(ld ha"e these. #e told me his 'ather-s constr(ction company only b(ilds go"ernment b(ildings li%e prisons and military 'acilities. + p(ll (p the corner o' the 'irst page to see what-s (nderneath when !dam-s "oice startles me. =;hat are yo( doing?> 7y heart hammers against my chest as + t(rn away 'rom the dra'ting table and 'ind him standing right neBt to me. =+ was )(st loo%ing.> #is nostrils are 'laring and + ha"e a horrible 'eeling +-"e "iolated some sort o' pri"acy r(le + wasn-t aware o'. =&hat-s a pro)ect +-"e been wor%ing on 'or a 'ew years. +t-s not 'inished yet.>

=;hat is it?> =+ don-t want to tal% abo(t it. Let-s go.> &he 'irst ten min(tes o' the dri"e to his (ncle-s ranch are 'illed with aw%ward silence 'ollowed by another ten min(tes o' bad pop m(sic once he p(ts on the radio. ;hen a Chris Mnight song comes on, + F(ic%ly t(rn down the "ol(me and p(ll my i<hone o(t o' my p(rse. #e changes lanes on the highway then t(rns to me, his eBpression still solemn. =+-m sorry i' yo( thin% +-m being (nnecessarily mysterio(s abo(t those ho(se plans. + %now yo( weren-t snooping aro(nd. &hey-re right o(t there where e"eryone can see them. .(t +-m not ready to tal% abo(t it yet.> =5oes it ha"e to do with why yo(-re still wor%ing 'or yo(r dad e"en tho(gh yo( detest it?> =Sort o', yeah.> + hold (p my phone and nod at the stereo. =Can yo( pl(g this in?> #e reaches across the console and ta%es the i<hone 'rom my hand. +t ta%es him a min(te to pl(g it into his stereo as he-s dri"ing. #e opens my m(sic app and begins scrolling thro(gh the list o' songs. =Ao( sho(ld let me do that. Ao(-re dri"ing.> + reach 'or the phone, b(t he switches it to his le't hand so + can-t reach it. =5on-t worry abo(t that. +-m paying attention.> #e scrolls 'or another min(te or so (ntil he settles on a song. &he 'irst notes play as he hands the phone bac% to me. =;aiting in Nain?> + say. =6eally? Co(ld yo( be any more o' a clichC? Ao( s(r', yo( smo%e weed, and yo( listen to .ob 7arley.> =@(st sh(t (p and listen to the song. &his is my song 'or yo(.> + listen to the lyrics care'(lly, tho(gh + already %now them by heart. .ob 7arley songs always remind me o' the spontaneo(s aco(stic concert Chris p(t on 'or me and a 'ew

o' o(r 'riends in his parents- garage. #e per'ormed an entire set o' .ob 7arley songs and, tho(gh he ne"er dedicated this song to me, it was one o' his 'a"orites. + gaGe o(t at the green hills along highway 13, a'raid that i' + loo% at !dam he-ll see my traitoro(s tho(ghts. ;hen the song ends, + 'eel li%e +-m eBpected to comment on it, b(t + don-t %now what to say. 7(sic was something + shared with Chris. +t was s(ch a h(ge part o' o(r relationship that + had to delete hal' my m(sic collection a'ter we bro%e (p beca(se it was dri"ing me insane. !dam grabs my hand and + 'inally t(rn to him. =+ %now yo(-"e got a lot on yo(r mind and meeting my parents right now probably isn-t at the top o' yo(r b(c%et list, b(t + want yo( to %now that yo( can tal% to me abo(t itJany o' it. E"en i' yo( thin% that what yo( ha"e to say will ma%e me (ncom'ortable. +-m here 'or yo(. $%ay?> + nod and gi"e his hand a reass(ring sF(eeGe then go bac% to gaGing o(t the window. &here are some things that can-t be disc(ssed with a new boy'riend, li%e the songs that remind yo( o' yo(r eB. &here are other things that can-t be disc(ssed with anyone. &hree ho(rs later, we arri"e at !dam-s Dncle #ar"ey-s 01*acre ranch near the o(ts%irts o' Charlotte. + co(nt ele"en cars and tr(c%s par%ed in a dirt lot o(tside a pale*yellow, two*story ho(se with a gorgeo(s wrap*aro(nd porch. !s soon as !dam par%s his tr(c%, two children, a boy and a girl, who loo% abo(t eight or nine years old come r(nning o(tside to greet him. &he girl throws her arms aro(nd !dam-s nec% and he la(ghs as he spins her aro(nd. +t-s a pict(re*per'ect #allmar% moment and + 'eel a little li%e +-m intr(ding, so + stay on the passenger side o' the tr(c% and wait 'or them to 'inish their greetings. &he boy h(gs !dam aro(nd the waist and + can see the adoration in his 'ace as he closes his eyes and b(ries his chee% in !dam-s stomach.

=#ey, + ha"e someone + want yo( to meet,> !dam says, peering o"er his sho(lder and bec%oning me to his side. =Claire, this is .eatrice and /ic%. &hey-re my 'a"orite co(sins beca(se they always let me win at 7onopoly.> =;e don-t let yo( win. Ao( cheatE> .eatrice sF(eals as she p(nches him in the arm. !dam tic%les her and all is 'orgi"en. =#ey, don-t be r(de. Say hi to Claire.> =+s she yo(r girl'riend?> /ic% as%s. =She-s all mine so don-t get any ideas.> ! man in a &*shirt, )eans, and cowboy hat comes down the 'ront steps and + %now this is !dam-s 'ather. #e-s "ery handsome 'or an older man, b(t it-s the con'ident smile on his 'ace that gi"es him away. #owe"er, he-s not smiling at !dam. #e-s smiling at me. =#ello there, Claire. +-m @im <ar%er,> he says as he approaches me. + hold o(t my hand and he p(lls me into a tight h(g. #e holds on a bit longer than + eBpect. ;hen he 'inally lets go, he loo%s me (p and down. =/o in'ormal handsha%es here. !dam told (s all abo(t yo(. !ny girl he-s willing to s(b)ect to this crowd is as good as 'amily, as 'ar as +-m concerned.> =#ello, 7r. <ar%er. +t-s a pleas(re to meet yo(.> #e-s charming and +-m beginning to thin% this wee%end isn-t going to be so bad, (ntil + see the loo% on !dam-s 'ace. #is 'ather throws him a c(rt nod then ma%es his way bac% to the ho(se. =;hat was that?> + whisper as !dam retrie"es the small s(itcase pac%ed with o(r things 'rom the cab o' the tr(c%. #e sha%es his head as he slams the tr(c% door, "isibly irritated. =&r(st me, yo( don-t want to %now what that was.> + 'ollow him inside where we-re bombarded with greetings 'rom at least thirty o' his 'amily members, b(t none o' them are his mother. =7y mom-s the CF$ o' <ar%er Constr(ction. She-s

e"en more o' a wor%aholic than my dad,> !dam whispers in my ear when + as% where she is. =#e-s only here early beca(se he got in yesterday to disc(ss a new pro)ect with Dncle #ar"ey. Ao(-ll meet her in the morning.> Finally, a'ter two ho(rs o' hearing stories abo(t !dam-s s(r'ing achie"ements, which seems to ma%e him "ery (ncom'ortable, we wrestle o(r way thro(gh the commotion and ma%e it (pstairs to the room we-ll be staying in. !s soon as he 'lips the light switch in the room, it-s ob"io(s we-ll be staying in the bedroom o' a teenage girl. <ict(res o' her and her 'riends are plastered all o"er the mirror and the walls. &he bright*pin% and blac% color o' the striped wallpaper is echoed in the bedding. + breathe a sigh o' relie' that we-ll at least ha"e a '(ll*siGed bed to share. =;hose room is this?> + as% as + reach 'or the Gipper on the s(itcase on the bed. =7y co(sin @amie. She-s a 'reshman at D/C. She won-t be here (ntil tomorrow.> #e p(lls my hand o'' the s(itcase and t(rns me so +-m 'acing him. =Listen. &here-s a lot o' bad shit between my dad and me, b(t that-s between (s. + can tell he li%es yo( so don-t let my iss(es with him clo(d yo(r )(dgment. $%ay?> =!dam, + thin% +-m per'ectly capable o' ma%ing (p my own mind abo(t yo(r 'ather. + mean, he seems nice eno(gh, b(t + care abo(t yo(. !nd whate"er iss(es yo( ha"e with yo(r dad may be yo(r b(siness, b(t + want yo( to %now that +-ll always be on yo(r side. So i' yo( want me to be 'riendly with yo(r dad, + will. .(t i' yo( want me to tell him to stic% his cowboy hat (p his ass, +-ll do that too.> =:od, + '(c%ing lo"e yo(.> #e gi"es me a F(ic% %iss be'ore he grabs my hand. =Come on. Ao( can (npac% later. Ao( wore yo(r bi%ini (nder yo(r clothes li%e + as%ed, didn-t yo(?> =Aeah, why?> =;e-re going 'or a night swim in the cree%.>

!dam and + ma%e o(r way o(t to the cree% that r(ns along the west end o' the property. .eatrice and /ic% stay behind beca(se they-re too yo(ng, b(t we-re )oined by three o' !dam-s older co(sins. @(lia and Loc%e are twenty*three and 'raternal twins who loo% nothing ali%e. @(lia is the only one in the 'amily with red hair and 'air s%in. E"eryone else has the same sandy*brown hair and s%in that loo%s li%e it-s been crisped by long ho(rs spent wor%ing on the ranch or s(r'ing in the Carolina s(nshine. @(lia and Loc%e are eBtremely 'riendly, b(t 6i"er is my 'a"orite o' the three. 6i"er is twenty*two, )(st a 'ew months older than !dam, and he-s the shyest o' the b(nch. Somehow, this p(ts me at ease. E"eryone else eB(des the same gregario(s con'idence as !dam. + 'ind it com'orting to %now that not e"eryone in the <ar%er 'amily is inh(manly bea(ti'(l and charismatic. ;e spend almost an ho(r in what appears to be a m(ddy cree% with water that reaches )(st to the bottom o' my chin. !dam ass(res me it-s )(st the lac% o' s(nlight that ma%es it loo% m(r%y, b(t +-m not con"inced. E"ery time something br(shes (p against my leg, + scream and threaten to lea"e. =Come on, Claire, the critters are hal' the '(nE> Loc%e sho(ts as he hangs 'rom a tree branch abo"e the cree%. =&hey-re harmless so long as they don-t slither into yo(r swims(it.> !dam grabs my 'oot to stop me 'rom swimming away. =Ao( can-t lea"e yet.> #e yan%s me bac% and wraps his arms aro(nd my waist as he p(lls my bac% against his chest. =;e ha"en-t e"en played 7arco <olo yet.> #is hand slides o"er my belly and + t(rn aro(nd to 'ace him. + throw my arms aro(nd his nec% and wrap my legs aro(nd his waist, con'ident that no one can see o(r bodies thro(gh the blac%, m(c%y water. &he startled smile on his 'ace ma%es my stomach 'l(tter. +-m pleased to see +-"e

s(rprised him. =+' yo( ta%e me inside,> + whisper in his ear, =+-ll play 7arco <olo with yo( (pstairs.> #is hands slide (nder the waistband o' my bi%ini and o"er my ass as he lets o(t a so't groan. #e %isses my nec% be'ore he p(lls his head bac% and loo%s me in the eye. =/ot here. + want o(r 'irst time to be per'ect and this is not the right place or the right time. /ot that + don-t want to ta%e yo( (pstairs and destroy yo(. @(st not tonight.> =+ can see yo(r boner 'rom hereE> @(lia sho(ts at !dam. #e sha%es his head as he p(ts me bac% down on the cree% bed and something de'initely slithers o"er my 'oot. + %ic% my 'oot hard and end (p %ic%ing a large stone. =$(chE> + cry. + can 'eel +-"e crac%ed my toenail and the searing pain is eno(gh to ma%e my eyes water. =;hat happened?> =+ %ic%ed a roc%. F(c%E> + swim F(ic%ly toward the edge o' the cree% and scramble o(t o' the water. + plop down on the damp grass and try to loo% at my toe (nder the dim moonlight. +t-s too dar% o(t here and my 'oot is co"ered in too m(ch m(d and grass to see whether +-m bleeding. !dam scrambles (p the incline and scoops me (p into his arms. =Let-s go clean it (p.> =<(t me down. + can wal%.> =Fine.> !s soon as my 'oot to(ches the gro(nd, a sharp pain slices thro(gh my toe and + hold in my scream, b(t + can-t hold bac% my grimace. + may ha"e bro%en it. #e reaches 'or me to pic% me (p again and + p(sh him away. =Ao(-re not carrying me. &he ho(se is li%e a F(arter mile away. +t-s too 'ar. + can wal%.> #e t(rns his bac% to me and loo%s o"er his sho(lder. =#op on my bac%. +-ll be yo(r horsey.>

=+n case yo( co(ldn-t tell, +-m trying not to ma%e se"eral comments abo(t riding yo(,> + say as + climb onto his bac%. =+n case yo( co(ldn-t tell, +-m trying really hard not to ride yo(,> he replies. + try to %eep my grip on his nec% a bit loose so + don-t cho%e him as he carries me all the way to the ho(se and into the downstairs bathroom. #e sets me down on the co(ntertop and %neels down to loo% at my 'oot. =Ao(-re too dirty,> he m(tters. =&hat-s what he said.> #e sha%es his head at my bad )o%e as he lets go o' my 'oot. =&a%e a shower then +-ll wrap it (p 'or yo(.> =!ll my st('' is (pstairs.> =Stay right here. +-ll be right bac%.> ! 'ew min(tes later he ret(rns with my ma%e(p bag and some 'resh pa)amas and panties. #e sets them on the co(ntertop and stares at me 'or a moment be'ore he t(rns to lea"e. =+-ll be right o(tside. @(st holler i' yo( need anything.> #e-s abo(t to sh(t the door when + call o(t to him. =;aitE> #e pops his head in and raises his eyebrows F(estioningly. =5id + 'orget something?> =Can yo( stay in here with me? +n case + need some help. + don-t ha"e Li'e !lert.> $ne side o' his mo(th p(lls (p in a de"ilish hal'*smile. =$' co(rse.> #e t(rns on the water as + (ntie my bi%ini top and climb o(t o' my bottoms, all the while hopping on one 'oot and balancing my weight on the co(ntertop. #e opens the shower door and wraps his arm aro(nd my waist to help me into the shower. + pretend not to notice him staring at my breasts as + step inside and close the door behind me. &he bottom o' the shower t(rns a m(r%y brown as the m(d rinses away (nder

the warm water. $nce the m(c% is gone, + can see that hal' my toenail is missing, b(t + don-t thin% the toe is bro%en as it-s only slightly swollen and pin%. =Ao( o%ay in there?> =+ thin% +-m going to ma%e it.> #e opens the shower door and ma%es no attempt to disg(ise the way his eyes roam o"er e"ery inch o' my body. =#ey, bea(ti'(l. +-m going (pstairs to (se the shower (p there. Ao( s(re yo(-re o%ay? Ao( don-t need a hand in here?> + throw him a th(mbs*(p and he smiles as he closes the door. ;hen + get (pstairs, he-s already showered and lying in the pin% bed with a roll o' ga(Ge and medical tape neBt to him and his 'eet hanging o'' the end. =@amie-s bed is not the most com'ortable bed in the (ni"erse,> he says as + set my soggy bathing s(it down on top o' the s(itcase on the 'loor and climb into bed. =.(t it )(st got m(ch coGier.> + hand him the ga(Ge and the medical tape and he wraps (p my toe. #e %isses it so'tly be'ore + t(c% mysel' in (nder the co"ers. + switch o'' the lamp on the bedside table and t(rn onto my side. #e slides in behind me to spoon me. =Ao(-re my hero.> =+ %now what +-m getting yo( 'or yo(r twenty*'irst birthday,> he whispers in my ear as his 'ingertips slip (nder my shirt and glide o"er my ribcage. =.esides Li'e !lert.> =;hat are yo( getting me?> + as% as + try to ignore the growing gi't prodding my bac%side. =Ao(-ll see.> #e plants a so't %iss on the bac% o' my nec% then p(lls my shirt down o"er my belly. =:oodnight, babydoll.> =:oodnight.>

.rea%'ast with the <ar%er 'amily is a h(ge e"ent and + 'inally get to meet his mother, 7argaret <ar%er. She has !dam-s green eyes and grace'(l stat(re combined with a gracio(s So(thern charm. !s soon as !dam and + come down 'or brea%'ast, she greets me with a warm h(g and a %iss on the chee%. =!ren-t yo( )(st the prettiest thing? Loo% at her, Mimmy,> she says to Dncle #ar"ey-s wi'e, !(nt Mim, who-s scooping scrambled eggs onto a long row o' brea%'ast plates lined (p on the %itchen island. =5oesn-t she remind yo( o' ;inona?> =:ood morning, 7rs. <ar%er,> + m(tter, not certain i' + sho(ld be 'lattered that + loo% li%e ;inona. !dam grabs two plates o' scrambled eggs and thic%*c(t bacon as he sF(ints at me. =She does %ind o' loo% li%e ;inona with lighter hair. + ne"er noticed it (ntil now.> =;ho-s ;inona?> + 'inally as%, ta%ing the plate !dam hands me as we ma%e o(r way to a long brea%'ast table stoc%ed with a bas%et o' bl(eberry m(''ins and a heaping plate o' homemade wa''les. + grab a m(''in as 7argaret sits neBt to me. =;inona is my little sister. $r, she was. She died Ibo(t twenty years ago. Ao( wo(ld ha"e lo"ed her. She was s(ch a 'ree spirit, li%e yo(. &hat m(st ha"e ta%en a lot o' co(rage to mo"e all the way 'rom 6aleigh to ;rights"ille all on yo(r own.> + t(rn to !dam and he smiles as he %eeps his eyes on his plate. =+ don-t %now. +-m pretty (sed to mo"ing aro(nd a lot. 7y mother died when + was se"en so + mo"ed 'rom one 'oster home to another 'or a "ery long time.> #er eyebrows %nit together as she r(bs my bac%. =+-m

so sorry to hear that, b(t happy to see that yo(-"e t(rned into s(ch an independent and bea(ti'(l yo(ng woman. Some o' (s ha"e more 'ight in (s than others. @(st li%e my !dam. Ao( two ma%e a 'ine pair.> &his woman was not s(btle. .etween her and her h(sband, + was beginning to (nderstand why !dam was so persistent when we 'irst met. + ate my brea%'ast in silence and was glad to help when it was time to start ma%ing potato salad, de"iled eggs, and "ario(s other dishes while the men too% their rac%s o' ribs and slabs o' meat o(t to the barbec(e. =!re yo( gonna be o%ay in here?> !dam as%s as + chop celery 'or !(nt Mim. =+-m 'ine. Ao( go ahead and do yo(r man st(''.> =She-s 'ine,> 7argaret says as she wraps her arm aro(nd my sho(lder and gi"es my arm a sF(eeGe. =Ao( go chec% on yo(r 'ather. 7a%e s(re he-s not b(rning o'' what little hair he-s got le't.> !dam loo%s "isibly tense at the mention o' his 'ather, b(t he manages to gi"e me a F(ic% %iss on the chee% be'ore he sc(rries o(tside to )oin the men. =! bit smaller than that, honey,> !(nt Mim says while passing me on the way to the re'rigerator. 7argaret watches the door 'or a moment a'ter !dam lea"es then t(rns to me. =+ %now this may not be any o' my b(siness, b(t + want yo( to %now that !dam is craGy abo(t yo(.> + smile as + grab another stal% o' celery and set abo(t chopping this one a bit smaller. =+-m s(re yo(-"e noticed the tension between him and his 'ather.> + loo% sideways at her and her 'ace is %ind and inF(isiti"e. She-s not 'ishing 'or in'ormationH she-s hoping to impart some wisdom. =Aes, +-"e noticed that.> She breathes deeply and eBhales a long breathH a breath

that is probably 'illed with years o' 'r(stration and regret. =Can yo( promise me something, honey? .eca(se + %now he can be as st(bborn as a m(le on ;ednesday when it comes to tal%ing abo(t his 'ather and yo( seem li%e the %ind o' girl who can get him to open (p. .(t + need yo( to promise me yo(-ll %eep an open mind when he opens his heart?> + smile e"en tho(gh + 'eel (ncom'ortable with her reF(est. + don-t %now what she means by =when he opens his heart.> ;hat %ind o' secret is !dam hiding? 7argaret and + 'inish (p the potato salad and the coleslaw. !s soon as + start piping the 'illing into the de"iled eggs, the door b(rsts open and !dam 'lies past (s toward the li"ing room. &he rage rolls o'' him in th(ndero(s wa"es as he storms o(t o' the %itchen. + t(rn to 7argaret and she F(ic%ly (nties the strings on the bac% o' my apron. =:o ahead, honey. +-ll 'inish this (p.> + p(ll the apron o"er my head and hand it to her then set o'' thro(gh the swinging door into the li"ing room. + glimpse !dam-s 'eet racing (p the stairs and + 'ollow F(ic%ly behind him. ;hen + reach @amie-s bedroom, + 'ind him sitting on the edge o' the bed with his elbows resting on the tops o' his thighs and his hands cl(tching his hair. #e-s tapping his 'oot impatiently and + 'eel as i' +-m edging closer to a tic%ing time bomb. + step inside and close the bedroom door behind me. =!dam, are yo( o%ay?> #e sha%es his head almost imperceptibly, b(t he doesn-t answer. + slowly ma%e my way across the 'l(''y white r(g and ta%e a seat neBt to him. =+ %now yo( probably thin% + won-t (nderstand beca(se + ne"er %new my 'atherJ+ hardly %new my motherJb(t + ha"e a lot o' regrets, and pain, eating away at me o"er the separation 'rom my last 'oster mother. + ha"e a lot o' things + want to say to her, b(t sometimes + thin% + co(ld li"e my whole li'e witho(t saying those things.

!nd sometimes + thin% the secrets will %ill me.> #e li'ts his head and loo%s at me. =7y dad wants me to go to #awaii to schmooGe some go"ernment o''icials 'or a new pro)ect on the na"al base.> =;hat-s wrong with that? #awaii is bea(ti'(l.> =+' we get the pro)ect, +-ll ha"e to stay there 'or (p to two months to handle the start(p.> =$h.> + stare at the r(g on the 'loor beca(se + don-t want him to see the disappointment in my eyes any more than he can see it in the sl(mp o' my sho(lders. =+-"e been trying to F(it 'or years, b(t my dad won-t let me.> #e gently t(rns my 'ace toward him and the ang(ish in his eyes ma%es my chest ache. =Claire, there-s something yo( need to %now abo(t me.> + draw in a slow breath, wishing + were at home so + co(ld meditate. ;ishing + were anywhere b(t here where + am abo(t to hear a secret that may tear (s apart. #is mother-s words repeat in my mind: )ry to keep an open mind when he opens his heart. =;hen + was se"enteen, my 'riend 7yles and + went to Cali'ornia 'or a s(r' competition. + had been competing since + was 'o(rteen, b(t it was his 'irst competition. #e was so sto%ed beca(se he placed eighth, which is really good 'or a 'irst*timer. !nyway, to celebrate we decided to go '(c% aro(nd at a beach in Lag(na. +t was one o' the best loo%ing beaches +-"e e"er s(r'ed at.> #e closes his eyes as i' he-s pict(ring it in his mind. =;e 'o(nd a spot that loo%ed good 'or di"ing and we too% t(rns doing cannonballs and belly 'lops. &hen + had the brilliant idea o' )(mping o'' bac%wards.> ! chill spro(ts across my arms as + realiGe where this is going. =#e got scared and + started teasing him abo(t it. &hen we started wrestling, pretending we were gonna toss each other o'' the cli''. 7yles 'oot slipped. #e was so startled

when he began to 'all bac%wards that he reached 'or my 'eet and hit his head on the roc%y cli''side.> #e b(ries his 'ace in his hands again, b(rying the shame. =+t was my 'a(lt, b(t + panic%ed and called my dad be'ore + called 0*1*1. 7y dad con"inced me to say it was an accident.> +' there is one thing that will com'ort !dam right now it-s 'or me to share my secret. +t-s so ob"io(s, b(t + can-t. + can-t )(dge him a'ter what +-"e done, b(t + also can-t eBpect him not to )(dge me. + p(t my hand (nder his chin and li't his 'ace. #is 'ace is red and his eyes are brimming with (nreleased tears. =!dam, it wasn-t yo(r 'a(lt. +t was an accident. +t-s not as i' yo( p(shed him o''.> =&hat-s not the point. &he point is my 'ather re'(sed to let me tell the tr(th abo(t 7yles- death. !nd now that +-m 'inally getting my li'e bac% together, now that + ha"e yo(, he wants to ta%e it all away.> =Ao( ha"e yo(r degree. Ao(-re yo(ng. Ao(-re smart. Ao(-re good loo%ing. Ao( can probably wor% anywhere. ;hy do yo( stay there?> #e sha%es his head. =5on-t yo( get it? &he company has been in the 'amily 'or more than a h(ndred yearsH started by my great*great*grand'ather. /othing is more important to my dad than the company. + can-t lea"e. 7y dad has been holding what happened with 7yles o"er my head 'or more than 'o(r years.> &he bedroom door opens and a girl with dar%*blonde hair is standing there crying with an eBpression o' rage contorting her dainty 'eat(res. =@amie?> !dam says as he stands 'rom the bed. =5oure the reason he died?> she says, glaring at him. =+-"e been blaming mysel' 'or 'o(r years beca(se + was the one who told him to enter that '(c%ing competition and now + 'ind o(t youre the one who p(shed him o''.> =+ didn-t p(sh him o'', @amie. Ao( didn-t hear

e"erything.> =+ heard eno(gh. :et the '(c% o(t o' my roomE> She opens the door wide and doesn-t loo% at me as she says, =!nd ta%e yo(r neBt "ictim with yo(.> !dam mo"es toward her and she p(shes him hard in the chest. =:et o(tE> $nly 7argaret F(estions why !dam and + aren-t staying 'or the picnic, b(t she seems 'ine with !dam-s eBplanation that he-ll tell her later. &he three*ho(r dri"e bac% to ;rights"ille is 'illed with a silence so hea"y + can barely breathe (nder the weight o' it. + don-t thin% anything can ma%e this wee%end worse, (ntil + wal% into my apartment and 'ind the certi'ied letter on the brea%'ast bar.

Chapter "o#rteen Relentless emands

=&he deposits ha"e been coming 'or almost se"enteen years, pl(s interest.> =#ow m(ch?> + demand. =&wo h(ndred and se"enteen tho(sand, two h(ndred twenty*nine dollarsL and eight cents.> + stare at the letter on the co(nter sent 'rom /orthstar .an% in 6aleigh noti'ying me o' a tr(st acco(nt + will gain access to on my twenty*'irst birthday. !dam stands behind me r(bbing my sho(lders as + sit at the brea%'ast bar with my phone cl(tched to my ear. !'ter he carried the s(itcase into my apartment and le't me with nothing b(t a F(ic% %iss on the chee% yesterday, + opened this letter and immediately called him to come bac%. #e stayed (p with me (ntil three in the morning, tho(gh we didn-t really ha"e m(ch to say and the c(rse o' ha"ing a roommate*ready bedroom meant we had to sleep in separate twin beds. .(t right now, the sensation o' his hands %neading the tension in my sho(lders is eno(gh to ma%e me 'orget e"erything that happened at his (ncle-s ranch yesterday. =7y mother was not rich. &his doesn-t ma%e sense. ;ho deposited the money into that acco(nt?> =+ can-t disclose personal in'ormation abo(t the bene'iciaries, donors, or tr(stees o"er the phone. Ao(-re going to ha"e to come in and show two 'orms o' photo identi'ication.> + c(rse mysel' as + thin% o' all the times Senia begged me to renew my dri"er-s license. =+ don-t ha"e two 'orms o' +5, (nless yo(-ll accept an eBpired college +5 and an eBpired

dri"er-s license.> #enry, the ban% manager, lets o(t an eBasperated sigh. =Claire, only beca(se + %new yo(r mother and how m(ch she lo"ed yo( will + allow this. Come in on yo(r birthday with both yo(r eBpired +5s and another person with two "alid 'orms o' +5 and +-ll gi"e yo( what yo( need.> + hang (p the phone 'eeling lost. + grew (p in a tiny r(ndown trailer on a lot s(rro(nded by acres o' 'orest. $(r nearest neighbor m(st ha"e been at least a F(arter mile away beca(se it 'elt li%e it too% a million years to get there on 'oot e"ery time we "isited =:randma> <atty. /othing abo(t the way we li"ed ga"e me any indication that my mother had money, b(t what #enry )(st said to me didn-t imply that she did. #e said the deposits had been coming in 'or almost se"enteen years. 7y mother has been dead 'or more than thirteen years. Someone else was ma%ing those deposits. $nce + tell !dam the stip(lations, he F(ic%ly o''ers to go with me to 6aleigh 'or my birthday. =&hat-s per'ect beca(se the birthday present + want to gi"e yo( is in 6aleigh.> + don-t bother as%ing what he-s getting me beca(se + %now he-ll only re'(se to tell me, b(t +-m more than a little apprehensi"e abo(t t(rning twenty*one now. + twist aro(nd on the barstool so +-m 'acing him and + can see the insec(rity in his eyesJthe loo% that-s been there since we le't his (ncle-s ho(se yesterday. #e-s wondering i' +-m )(dging him beca(se o' what happened to his 'riend 7yles 'o(r years ago. =+-m sorry abo(t what happened to yo(r 'riend. !nd +-m sorry yo(-"e had to li"e with that 'or 'o(r years. .(t most o' all, +-m sorry that + can-t share my secret with yo( the way yo(-"e shared yo(rs with me.> #e sha%es his head and opens his mo(th to say something, b(t + press a sha%y 'inger to his lips. =.(t + want yo( to %now that + do lo"e yo(. !nd it scares the hell o(t o' me to 'eel this way abo(t someone +-"e

%nown all o' three wee%s.> #e grabs my hand and mo"es my 'inger away 'rom his lips. =+t doesn-t ha"e to ma%e senseH it only has to ma%e yo( happy. !re yo( happy?> + grab the 'ront o' his &*shirt and p(ll him closer so my %nees are h(gging his hips. =+-m happier than a pig in m(d.> #e smiles as he grabs the sides o' my waist. =Ao(-"e been spending too m(ch time with Cora?> + gaGe into his eyes willing him to hear my tho(ghts. #e stares bac% at me, a bit con'(sed at 'irst by my intense gaGe, b(t then he sees it. #e cr(shes his lips against mine and opens his mo(th slowly. &he press(re and heat o' his lips sends a wa"e o' chills co(rsing thro(gh me and + wrap my arms and legs aro(nd him, p(lling him closer. #is hands slide (nder my shirt to (ndo my bra as he %isses my nec%. !s soon as the snap brea%s loose, + peel o'' my shirt and bra and toss them onto the carpet. + lean my bac% against the cool tile o' the brea%'ast bar and he ta%es my nipple into his mo(th as he rolls my other nipple between his 'ingertips. + tighten my legs aro(nd his waist as the moist(re b(ilds between my thighs. #e slides his hands (nder my b(tt and li'ts me o'' the barstool. + %iss him greedily as he carries me to the bedroom. #e sits me down on the edge o' the bed and stands so he can peel his shirt o'' as + (ndo the b(tton and Gipper on his cargo shorts. #is erection is a massi"e b(lge (nder his boBer brie's. + want to (nwrap it, b(t +-m a bit 'rightened by the siGe o' that b(lge. #e m(st see the apprehension in my 'ace beca(se he chooses to lea"e his brie's on 'or the time being as he %neels be'ore me. =Stand (p,> he demands. #e slowly remo"es my shorts and panties as he plants a so't %iss on each o' my hips. #e presses his lips to my stomach )(st (nderneath my belly b(tton and my nipples instantly sti''en. &a%ing my hand in his, he lays a so't %iss on

my %n(c%les as he loo%s (p at me. =Sit down,> he m(rm(rs, and + F(ic%ly obey. !s soon as +-m seated on the edge o' the bed, he spreads my legs and %isses the inside o' my %nee. =+ lo"e yo(, Claire. + want to ma%e yo( happier than yo(-"e e"er been.> #e lays a trail o' %isses o"er the inside o' both my thighs be'ore he rests my legs on top o' his sho(lders and goes straight 'or my aching clit. =$h, !dam,> + moan. #e %isses and lic%s me slowly, ta%ing his time, sa"oring e"ery inch o' me as + arch my bac%. #e thr(sts two 'ingers inside me and massages me to the same rhythm o' his tong(e. 7y arms begin to wea%en 'rom leaning bac% on my hands. + lower mysel' down to my elbows as his tong(e swirls aro(nd my clit and my hips b(c% against his 'ingers. =+-m gonna come,> + whimper. =5on-t stop.> &he orgasm rolls thro(gh me li%e the siGGle o' a '(se being lit 'ollowed by an intense eBplosion o' pleas(re. #e grips my thighs tightly, not p(lling his mo(th away (ntil my body stops con"(lsing. #e lets my legs slide o'' his sho(lders as his chest glides o"er me. #e %isses me hard and + can taste the co''ee we dran% this morning and mysel'. #is tong(e thr(sts in and o(t o' my mo(th and + grab his per'ect ass to p(ll him down on top o' me. =<lease,> + whisper into his mo(th as + reach down and slide my hand inside his brie's. =$h, '(c%,> he whispers as + get a 'irm grip on the base o' his coc% and slide my hand down to 'eel the length o' it. + p(ll my hand o(t and scoot (p the bed to sit on my %nees as + point at the pillow. =Lay down.> #e smiles as he slides his brie's o'' and + 'inally glimpse his '(ll erection as he lies be'ore me, his body glistening with sweat. 7y heart th(mps against my chest as + realiGe + ha"en-t done this in so long and +-"e only done it with Chris. + don-t e"en %now i' +-m any good at it, b(t +

%now + want to do it. &hat has to co(nt 'or something. + slide his legs apart and position mysel' cross*legged between his legs as i' +-m abo(t to meditate. + wrap my 'ingers aro(nd the head then slide my hand down to stretch the s%in ta(t. :od, it loo%s per'ect. + lean o"er and lic% aro(nd the ridge, tasting his slight saltiness. #e groans and + lic% my lips be'ore + wrap them aro(nd the head. + swirl my tong(e o"er the tip be'ore + ta%e him '(rther into my mo(th. + close my eyes and h(m so'tly as he hits the bac% o' my throat. #e s(c%s in a sharp breath thro(gh his teeth as his 'ingers slide o"er my head and grip a hand'(l o' hair. =$h, baby.> + slide him o(t slowly and %iss the tip be'ore + ta%e him into my mo(th again and bob my headH slowly at 'irst then + pic% (p speed. + (se my other hand to massage his p(lsating sac. #e-s panting and moaning and +-m dr(n% on the power o' ha"ing this e''ect on him. + don-t want to stop, b(t + soon 'eel his sac contracting in my hand. #is hips thr(st gently, his 'ingers t(gging my hair, as he lets go in my mo(th. #e-s so'tening as + slide him o(t and swipe my th(mb across the corner o' my mo(th. 7y body is sha%ing with adrenaline as he sits (p and ta%es my 'ace in his hands. #e %isses me h(ngrily as + climb onto his lap. #e p(lls his head bac% and rests his 'orehead against mine, his chest hea"ing as he lets o(t a low ch(c%le. =Ao( are so seBy. #ow did + get so l(c%y?> =Ao( stal%ed the crap o(t o' me.> #e la(ghs as he reaches o"er the side o' the bed and pic%s his shorts (p o'' the 'loor. #e digs thro(gh his poc%et and p(lls o(t his wallet. + loo% on impatiently as he tosses the condom wrapper and the wallet onto the 'loor and slides the condom on. #e slides his 'inger into my 'olds and massages my clit as he %isses my nec%. =Ao( dri"e me so '(c%in- craGy,> he

breathes into my ear as he ta%es my earlobe between his teeth and a shoc% o' pleas(re p(lsates between my legs. =Come 'or me, baby.> + grind my hips as he caresses me, arching my bac% and he ta%es my nipple into his mo(th, s(c%ing and t(gging at the sensiti"e 'lesh. + lose mysel' again and the cry that-s been b(ilding in my throat releases as + collapse in his arms. #e 'lips me gently onto my bac% and positions himsel' between my legs. #e sin%s down onto his elbows so o(r noses are to(ching then slowly g(ides himsel' into me, not gi"ing me any time to reco"er. + gasp and he stops. =!re yo( o%ay?> =Aes, yes, yes. 5on-t stop.> +t-s pain'(l, b(t de'initely worth it as he slides 'arther into me (ntil he hits my core. + let o(t an in"ol(ntary whimper and he swallows it as he %isses me tenderly, dipping in and o(t o' me. #is chest r(bs against mine, sending spar%s thro(gh my sensiti"e nipples, and + moan into his mo(th. #e pierces me steadily as he gently stretches me. =+ lo"e yo( so m(ch,> he m(rm(rs as he loo%s into my eyes. =+ lo"e yo(, too.> + hold his gaGe and roc% my hips in rhythm with his thr(sts. #e %isses me again, h(ngrier this time as + ra%e my nails so'tly o"er his bac%. #is arms begin to sha%e as he reaches climaB. #e lingers inside me as he %isses me, drawing o(t the moment. Finally, he p(lls away and plants a %iss on my lips and another on my nose be'ore he rolls o'' me. + stare at the ceiling in a daGe. + did it. !nd it was amaGing. &his m(st mean +-m o"er him. + don-t e"en want to thin% his name. + don-t want to thin% abo(t what + did to him. + t(rn my head and !dam loo%s eBha(sted, b(t he-s still smiling and bec%oning me to c(rl (p neBt to him. &his is me t(rning the page on another chapter.

Chapter "ifteen Relentless Secrets

&wo wee%s tic% by li%e seconds on a cloc%, and be'ore we %now it it-s the &h(rsday night be'ore my birthday. !dam and + ha"e spent the past twel"e days chec%ing in on CoraH ta%ing gro(p s(r' lessons with other beginners on Shell +slandH and care'(lly a"oiding the s(b)ect o' why + dropped o(t o' school and what those ho(se plans on his dra'ting table are 'or. ;e-"e eBchanged ho(se %eys, b(t we still ha"en-t eBchanged secrets. +t sho(ld ser"e as some sort o' warning that there are still some things we ha"en-t shared with each other, b(t + try not to let it bother me and + ass(me he-s doing the same. !dam sits on his so'a and + sit neBt to him with my hand'(l o' 6ed Nines. =@amie called me last night to apologiGe 'or %ic%ing (s o(t o' her room. +t only too% her, li%e, 'o(r wee%s.> =5id yo( g(ys tal% abo(t it?> + as% as + ta%e a bite o' my licorice and hand him one. #e wa"es away the candy. =Aeah. +t was nice. ;e (sed to ha"e long tal%s all the time when her and 7yles were together. /othing was the same a'ter he died.> + lay my chee% against his so't &*shirt and inhale the 'resh la(ndry 'ragrance combined with his warm man scent. =!re yo( sni''ing me again?> =+ can-t help it. Ao( smell so delicio(s.> #e points the remote at the &N and the channel changes m(ltiple times (ntil he settles on 7&N. =+ can g(arantee yo( + taste better than + smell,> he says and + smac% his chest. =@(st ma%ing it %nown in case yo( get any ideas.> + lean my head bac% and he loo%s down at me with that h(ngry loo% +-"e come to %now so well. &he loo% that can

ma%e me do things + wo(ld ne"er do. + clasp my hands aro(nd the bac% o' his nec% and p(ll his 'ace toward me. !s o(r lips to(ch, the host on 7&N anno(nces, =!nd now, the highly anticipated world premiere "ideo 'rom Chris Mnight-s deb(t alb(m :elentless. #ere is %=@@ 5H@/6E> =Come here,> he growls as his hands slide o"er my ass and p(lls me (p so +-m straddling him. + press my hands against his chest and p(sh o''. + can 'eel him (nderneath me, b(t + can-t see him and + realiGe it-s beca(se my eyes are closed as the memory slams into me. Chriss lips smell and taste like the berry Capri-%un he was &ust sippin# and I cant shake the feelin# that were too youn# to be alone in my room. 1ut it feels so ri#ht as his fin#ers li#htly #ra(e my ribs sendin# chills throu#h e!ery part of my body. Im ei#hteen today. @i#hteen is a perfectly fine a#e to lose your !ir#inity$ especially if its with the boyfriend you!e been with for more than two years" who also happens to be the most ama(in#" patient boyfriend a #irl could ask for. His hand slides farther up and I flinch when his fin#ers hit the wire of my bra. ,I lo!e you". he whispers" and somehow this has the opposite effect. I push him off and he si#hs as he lies back. ,Im sorry". I mutter. ,Im &ust scared that its #oin# to hurt and then Ill feel different about you. I dont want to feel like you!e hurt me.. He turns onto his side and kisses my cheek. He slips his hand under my )-shirt and traces circles around my bellybutton as he says" ,I could ne!er hurt you. 5oure my Claire-bear. 1ut I cant fuckin# lie. I want to be inside you so bad?. I want to make you feel as #ood as you make me feel.. He plants a soft kiss on my belly and I shi!er. ,1ut Ill wait as lon# as it takes.. I stroke his hair out of his face and whisper" ,I lo!e

you.. He kisses my temple before he sprin#s up off the bed" lea!in# me feelin# a little used up. ,Ill be ri#ht back" babe.. He comes back a minute later with his acoustic #uitar and closes the bedroom door. No one else is home. ;ackie and her new boyfriend )im are runnin# errands before we meet them toni#ht for a birthday dinner. If ;ackie knew what Chris and I are doin# ri#ht now shed kill both of us. %omehow" we!e mana#ed to keep our relationship a secret from her. )his makes it seem as if Chris and I are doin# somethin# wron#" thou#h were not. )he simple #esture of Chris closin# the bedroom door makes me feel safe" like he knows e3actly what I need. He always has. I scoot back so he can sit on the ed#e of the bed ne3t to me. He settles down with his #uitar in his lap and strums a hapha(ard melody as he tunes the #uitar by ear. ,I wrote this for you. Its about the day we met. Its called A%leepyhead.. I smile as I remember how tired I was the day we met from not ha!in# slept the ni#ht before" but somehow he still con!inced me to #o downstairs and listen to him play. His lips start toyin# with the ball piercin# in his ton#ue" the way they always does when hes workin# up the ner!e to perform for me. He claims its unintentional" but its e3tremely hot. He starts pluckin# the strin#s and the melody that flows out is both hauntin# and sweet. Im already on the !er#e of tears when he be#ins to sin#. ,Feels so wron# to want this. 5ou look so broken there. / flicker in the mist" as tired as the air.. He looks up at me and my breath hitches. He holds my #a(e the entire time hes sin#in#" e3cept when he closes his eyes as he belts out the chorus. ,%o fri#htened of the dark. 5oure my sleepyhead. Hidin# with the stars. ut your dreams to bed" my

sleepyhead.. / tear rolls down my cheek and falls on his #uitar as I #rab his face and kiss him. + open my eyes and !dam-s 'ace is bl(rry thro(gh the tears. =Claire, why are yo( crying?> !dam as%s as he ta%es the 6ed Nines 'rom my hand and lays them on the co''ee table. =+-m sorry,> + whisper, wiping my chee%s as the song contin(es to play in the bac%gro(nd. + scoot o"er to the other end o' the so'a and h(g my %nees tightly. =+-m a horrible, horrible person.> =5on-t say that.> =+t-s tr(e.> + can 'eel him staring at me, b(t + %eep my gaGe 'oc(sed on the ropes o' red licorice on the table. &hey remind me o' blood "essels and + thin% o' how my mother ab(sed her "eins. + thin% o' how + nearly too% a raGor to my "eins siB months ago. + thin% o' all the secrets p(mping thro(gh my "eins, poisoning me, r(ining me. =&here are some things that, no matter how hard yo( try to con"ince yo(rsel' they-re 'or the best, always seem to c(t a ch(n% o(t o' yo(r heart. !nd yo( %now that no matter how many wonder'(l people and bea(ti'(l ad"ent(res yo( welcome into yo(r li'e, yo(-ll ne"er be whole again. Ao(-ll ne"er be yo( again.> 7y throat aches as + spea%, b(t + %eep going. =+ don-t e"en %now who + was be'ore + dropped o(t. + 'eel li%e that person wasn-t me. $r maybe who + am now isn-t the real me. !ll + %now is that + became the %ind o' person + always swore + wo(ld ne"er be, and 'rom here on o(t that will ne"er change beca(se no amo(nt o' apologiGing can (ndo what + did.> #e scoots toward me and + ball mysel' (p tighter. =Claire.> @(st the way he says my name ma%es me bristle. + %now he-s going to tell me something + don-t want to hear. +

close my eyes as he says, =+ %now what it-s li%e to 'eel li%e the g(ilt will destroy yo(. &hose plans yo( 'o(nd the other day, the day we le't to my (ncle-s ho(se, those plans are a mani'estation o' my g(ilt.> + open my eyes and he-s staring at the dra'ting table in the corner o' the room with a distant loo% in his eyes. #e rises 'rom the so'a and wanders toward the corner where he li'ts a 'ew sets o' plans o'' the top o' the stac% and slides the ho(se plans o(t 'rom the bottom. #e comes bac% to the so'a and lays the plans on the co''ee table in 'ront o' (s. =7yles- 'amily ne"er had a lot o' money. #is dad was always too b(sy getting on with his new 'amily, he ne"er really s(pported 7yles or his mom and two sisters.> #e 'lips the top sheet and a 'loor plan o' the ho(se is laid o(t be'ore (s. =+-"e been designing this ho(se 'or the past three years with the idea that one day +-ll be able to b(ild it 'or them. 7aybe then + won-t 'eel li%e + too% away the one shot they had at a decent '(t(re.> #e lets o(t a low la(gh as he sha%es his head. =7y dad 'o(nd these plans and now he-s holding my tr(st '(nd (ntil + t(rn thirty so + can-t b(ild it. #e thin%s it wo(ld be li%e admitting my g(ilt. #e doesn-t (nderstand that that-s eBactly what this ho(se is. +t-s an apology and an admission. + can-t li"e with this anymore.> #e 'inally t(rns to me and + can see the agony he-s carrying. + draw in a sha%y breath as he loo%s me in the eye, his eyes searching 'or a sli"er o' (nderstanding. + want to tell him e"erything. #e-s shared so m(ch o' himsel' with me. #e needs to %now the %ind o' person + am. #e deser"es to %now the %ind o' person he 'ell in lo"e with. .(t + can-t. + co"er my 'ace with my handsH a'raid he-ll see the raGors o' shame shredding my insides. &hese )agged lies +-"e told mysel' 'or the past year ha"e rested com'ortably beneath the delicate s%in o' tr(th. + can-t allow them to pierce thro(gh to the s(r'ace. + can-t allow mysel' to become a

bloody mess again. + need to meditate. + stand F(ic%ly 'rom the so'a and his eyes 'ollow me as + wal% F(ic%ly toward the door. =;here are yo( going?> =+ ha"e to go.> #e darts toward the 'ront door and bloc%s it o'' as + reach 'or the door%nob. =Ao( can-t %eep p(shing this down or it-s going to b(rn yo( 'rom the inside o(t. Forget the '(c%ing bet. + don-t care abo(t that. @(st please tal% to me.> + stare at the b(ttons on his shirt. + rarely see him wearing his wor% clothes in his apartment. #e (s(ally changes be'ore + ma%e it (pstairs. #e act(ally wrangled Linda into gi"ing me today, tomorrow, and Sat(rday o'' 'or my birthday. +-"e ne"er had three days o'' 'rom the ca'C. !dam can con"ince )(st abo(t anyone to do )(st abo(t anything, b(t he can-t con"ince himsel' that he-s not to blame 'or 7yles- death and he can-t con"ince me to spill my g(ts to him. =F(c%ing shit, ClaireE> he groans as + remain silent. =Ao(-re sel'*medicating with that meditation shit. Ao( might as well be shooting heroin in yo(r "eins. Ao(-re n(mb and yo( can-t e"en see it.> =+ can-t belie"e yo( wo(ld e"en say that.> =Aes, yo(r mother died o' a dr(g o"erdose and it-s tragic and + wish + co(ld ta%e yo(r pain and ma%e it my own, b(t + can-t. !nd yo( ha"e to (nderstand that yo(r mother lo"ed yo(. She wo(ldn-t ha"e been so care'(l abo(t %eeping yo( sa'e i' she didn-t lo"e yo(. She made a mista%e, b(t that-s beca(se she was sic%. Ao(-re not sic%, Claire. Ao(-re )(st heartbro%en.> + reach 'or the door and he p(shes my hand away. =<lease get o(t o' my way.> 7y whole body is trembling with all the horrible things + want to sho(t at him, b(t + can-t let mysel' lose control. #is

'ace is twisted with pity, b(t he doesn-t mo"e. =+-m not mo"ing (ntil yo( tal% to me.> =+ don-t want to tal%. <lease get o(t o' my way.> =/o.> + p(sh him hard in the chest and he grabs my wrist. =:et o(t o' my '(c%ing wayE> + try to wrench my arms 'ree, b(t he p(lls me against him so + can-t get any le"erage. =Let go.> =+s that what yo( want? Ao( want me to let this go? Ao( want me to watch yo( s(''er li%e this? .eca(se + can-t do it anymore.> #e lets go o' my wrists and +-m st(nned into silence. &he one thing he wants is the one thing + can-t gi"e. =Ao( thin% + can-t see it? Ao( thin% + can-t see that +-m sin%ing li%e a stone and no one, not e"en yo(, can resc(e me,> + whisper as + cl(tch my 'ists to my chest. =&his was ine"itable. Ao( don-t want to %now what + did. &r(st me when + say that. +' + tell yo( what + did yo( will ne"er tr(st me againL and + don-t thin% + co(ld handle that. So + g(ess it-s best i' we )(st stop be'ore we-re in too deep.> =+t-s too late 'or that,> he says, his "oice so(nding too thic%. =+ can-t belie"e yo(-re willing to throw this all away beca(se yo( thin% +-m going to )(dge yo( or stop tr(sting yo(Jespecially a'ter e"erything yo(-"e learned abo(t me.> #e reaches 'or my 'ace and + swallow hard as + try to hold bac% my tears. =Loo% at this 'ace.> #e stro%es my chee%bones with his th(mbs and the 'irst tear 'alls o"er the rim o' my eyelid and races down my chee%. =#ow co(ld + e"er not tr(st this 'ace? $r these eyes.> #e %isses both my eyelids and my throat aches with all the words + wish + co(ld say. =!nd these lipsL. #ow co(ld + e"er c(rse a single word that comes o(t o' these lips?> #e %isses me so tenderly + sob so'tly into his mo(th. #e p(lls away and + %now + probably loo% li%e a mess. =+ )(st need to be alone 'or a little while,> + say in a strangled whisper.

#e nods and %isses my 'orehead. =+-ll come by later to chec% on yo(.> + nod as + reach 'or the door%nob again and he places his hand o"er mine. =7aybe yo(-ll get some answers when we go to 6aleigh tomorrow. 7aybe yo(r heart will be a little less bro%en once we lea"e there.> + don-t ha"e it in me to tell him that this tr(st acco(nt has nothing to do with my bro%en heart so + )(st nod. #e %isses my temple once more be'ore + lea"e. !s + descend the steps to my apartment, only one tho(ght occ(pies my tro(bled mind: +t-s time to call @ac%ie Mnight.

Chapter Si&teen Relentless Si'ns

+ wa%e (p to total dar%ness with my leg c(rled aro(nd !dam-s leg and my chee% plastered to his stomach. &his h(midity is becoming too m(ch. &he impending tropical storm set to hit the Carolinas tonight is not helping any. + peel my 'ace o'' his belly and he reaches down to ta%e my 'ace in his hands. #e p(lls my lips to his and s(c%s gently on my bottom lip. =7mmL.> #e moans as + lay on top o' him. =#appy birthday, babydoll.> #e %isses me hard and + 'eel him growing beneath me. #e 'lips me onto my bac% and + come down so hard on the mattress that the two twin beds we p(shed together in my bedroom nearly split apart (nderneath me. ;e both la(gh as we scoot o"er so we-re not on the crac%. #e leans in to %iss my nec% and + s%im my 'ingers down his washboard abs and grab his hard length. #e mo"es my hand away as he slithers down and ta%es my nipple into his mo(th, teasing my nipple with his tong(e and gi"ing it a so't t(g. #e mo"es to my other breast and + grab a 'ist'(ls o' his hair to p(ll him (p. + %iss him h(ngrily as + wrap my legs aro(nd his waist. =+t-s yo(r birthday,> he says between %isses. =+-ll do whate"er yo( want.> #is tong(e slides into my mo(th and + s(c% on it 'or a bit be'ore he p(lls bac%. =Let me eat yo( (p. Ao(-ll be my slice o' birthday ca%e.> =;e don-t ha"e m(ch time. ;e ha"e to go to the ban%. Let-s m(ltitas% and do it in the shower.> #e grins at me as he %isses the tip o' my nose. =So e''icient. .(t we ha"e plenty o' time. &he s(n hasn-t e"en come (p yet.> + t(rn toward the window then bac% to him. =;hy are

we (p so early?> =+ wanted to wa%e yo( (p in time 'or yo(r 'a"orite time o' day.> #e slides down my body and lays a so't %iss between my legs be'ore he rises 'rom the bed. ! shi"er tra"els o"er my thighs and + press my legs together to stop mysel' 'rom p(lling him bac% on top o' me this instant. ;e go o(tside and sit on the bottom o' the steps that lead to his apartment as we wait 'or that golden moment )(st be'ore the s(n comes (p. &hat-s when he t(rns to me and whispers in my ear, =+ promise today will be the best birthday yo(-"e e"er had.>

;hen the water in the shower begins to r(n cold, we drag o(rsel"es o(t o' the shower and ta%e o(r time drying each other o''. =;ear some com'ortable shoes today. /o heels.> #e gently t(gs the br(sh thro(gh my hair as we stand in 'ront o' the bathroom mirror. #e always wants to br(sh my hair now that he %nows it sends chills thro(gh my entire body. =+ ha"e a birthday s(rprise 'or yo( and + want yo( to be com'ortable.> =! s(rprise 'or me in 6aleigh? Ao(-re not ta%ing me dancing or to a cl(b are yo(? + hate cl(bs.> &he br(sh catches on a %not in my hair and + yelp. =SorryE /o, it-s not a cl(b.> #e %isses the top o' my head and hands me the br(sh. =Ao( 'inish ma%ing yo(rsel' pretty and +-ll 'inish ma%ing yo( brea%'ast.> !dam considers himsel' a go(rmet che' now that +-"e

ta(ght him how to ma%e my 'a"orite 'r(it and yog(rt par'ait 'or brea%'ast. #e %eeps both o' o(r re'rigerators stoc%ed with yog(rt and 'r(it and ma%es it 'or me, along with my 'a"orite %ind o' co''ee, e"ery time we spend the night together. + don-t ha"e the heart to tell him +-m getting sic% o' it. !n ho(r later, + emerge 'rom the bathroom '(lly primped and dressed in a thin, b(tter*yellow, o''*the* sho(lder shirt o"er a camisole and some white )ean shorts. !nd, as !dam reF(ested, +-m wearing some gladiator sandals with no heels. #e loo%s me (p and down as + step o(t o' the bedroom while p(lling on a sil"er bangle bracelet Senia ga"e me 'or <resident-s 5ay. She insists all holidays are an eBc(se to gi"e gi'ts. + p(ll my phone o(t o' my bac% poc%et to teBt her as !dam p(shes a bowl o' 'r(it and yog(rt across the brea%'ast bar toward me. + smile at him as + p(nch in a message as%ing i' she-s still meeting !dam and me 'or an early dinner at .ida 7anda. + place my phone neBt to my bowl o' yog(rt and ta%e the 'irst bite o' yog(rt with a ch(n% o' pineapple. =7mmL.> !dam smiles then plants a 'irm %iss on my temple be'ore he heads 'or the door. =+-m going (pstairs to get dressed. +-ll be bac% 'aster than yo( can say .ida 7anda.> =Ao( read my teBtE> + shrie%, and he cac%les as he dashes o(t the 'ront door. !s soon as the door closes, + pic% (p my phone and scroll thro(gh my contacts 'or @ac%ie Mnight. + don-t hesitate and within two rings she answers. =#ello?> She so(nds eBactly the same as she did a year ago when + told her + was mo"ing o(t o' the dorm, promising to gi"e her my new phone n(mber once + was settled. #er "oice still had that 'aint So(thern accent she had tried to sn('' o(t d(ring her college years in !riGona. =@ac%ie?> 7y "oice is sha%y and a bit thic% with phlegm

'rom the yog(rt. + clear my throat and + hear a sharp inta%e o' breath on the other end o' the line. =@ac%ie, it-s Claire.> =+ %now,> she whispers, and now it-s ob"io(s she-s crying and it instantly ma%es me want to cry. =@ac%ie, +-m so sorry + ha"en-t called.> =!re yo( o%ay? <lease tell me yo(-re o%ay.> =+-m 'ine. + promise. +-m o%ay.> =$h, than% :od.> She whispers this a 'ew more times and my chest aches with the tho(ght o' what +-"e p(t her thro(gh. She doesnt hate me. =Claire, honey, please tell me yo(-re coming home 'or yo(r birthday.> =/ot tonight. + ha"e plans. .(t +-m staying the night in 6aleigh and + want to come see yo( in the morning. +s that o%ay?> =+s that okay? #oney, yo( don-t ha"e to as% i' yo( can come here. &his is yo(r home. Ao( are always welcome here.> For a moment, + can-t breathe. +-m reminded o' how m(ch + lo"ed li"ing with Chris and @ac%ie. E"en the boy'riends @ac%ie dated were always sweet and respect'(l. She ne"er settled down a'ter di"orcing Chris-s 'ather when he was siB. She always insisted she was too pic%y, b(t the tr(th is she-s too strong*minded and independent. She won-t ta%e shit 'rom anybody, which is why + '(lly eBpected her to be pissed at me. &his tear'(l acceptance is possibly worse. =+-ll be there in the morning,> + say as the 'ront door opens and !dam wal%s in wearing )eans and a blac% 6ip C(rl &*shirt that h(gs his ripped chest. =Claire?> =Aeah?> =+ can-t wait to see yo(.> =7e, too,> + whisper be'ore + hang (p. !dam waits 'or me by the door wearing a croo%ed smile

that melts my heart. + t(c% my phone into my bac% poc%et and st('' my two eBpired +5s into my other bac% poc%et. + go to him and wrap my arms aro(nd his waist as + rest my chee% against his chest. =&han% yo( 'or ta%ing me today.> =+ ha"en-t e"en ta%en yo( yet. #ow do yo( %now this isn-t an elaborate r(se to get my hands on yo(r tr(st '(nd?> + lean my head bac% and loo% into his eyes, ready to b(tter him (p. =Ao( ha"e the most gorgeo(s light*green eyes + ha"e e"er seen on a h(man being.> =&hat-s beca(se they-re '(ll o' dollar signs.> =+' + gi"e yo( all my money, can yo( ta%e me to see my 'oster mother tomorrow morning?> =&ell yo( what, +-ll let yo( %eep the money i' yo( let me ha"e an eBtra slice o' birthday ca%e tonight.> =5eal.> =!nd yo( %now what + mean when + say birthday ca%e.> =$' co(rse + do. &hat st('' with the 'rosting.> #e leans down to %iss me, stopping right be'ore o(r lips to(ch. =&he 'rosting-s the best part.>

!'ter chec%ing in on Cora, we hop into the tr(c% with no s(itcase this time. !dam insists we can sleep na%ed in the hotel room and + really ha"e no problem with this s(ggestion. !ll the local radio stations seem to be obsessed with playing Chris Mnight songs this morning so +-m eBtremely grate'(l when !dam lets me p(t my m(sic on again. + need to listen to something that will calm my ner"es. + 'ind an old

classical m(sic playlist + made 'or meditating and hit play. =6eally?> he as%s, coc%ing an eyebrow as he casts me a sideways glance. =+ ha"en-t meditated today. + need something to help me relaB.> =$nly beca(se it-s yo(r birthday.> ;e sit in silence 'or a 'ew min(tes be'ore he sighs. =Claire, + need to as% yo( something.> =So(nds serio(s.> =&his 'oster mother we-re going to see tomorrowL does she %now why yo( dropped o(t o' D/C?> =She doesn-t e"en %now + dropped o(t.> =$h.> #e-s silent 'or a moment and + ta%e the opport(nity to gaGe at all the highway signage displaying all the names o' streets + ha"en-t seen since be'ore Senia mo"ed in. +t-s been more than two months since +-"e been to 6aleigh. E"ery mile we dri"e brings me closer to %nowing the tr(th abo(t the tr(st '(nd my mother le't me, and closer to the lies +-"e been r(nning 'rom 'or the past year. =Can + as% yo( something else?> he says, and something abo(t the way his "oice goes a little too high on the last word ma%es me thin% he-s ner"o(s abo(t this F(estion. =:o ahead.> =&his g(y that yo( were with be'ore me, what was his name again?> =+ ne"er told yo( his name.> =6ight. ;ell, does he li"e in 6aleigh?> + pa(se as + try to 'ig(re o(t where this is going. 5oes he want to %now i' there-s a chance we may r(n into Chris or does he want to trac% him down and try to 'ind o(t my secret 'rom him? $r, maybe, he thin%s Chris is the one who bro%e my heart and he wants to beat the shit o(t o' him. +-m going to ass(me it-s the 'irst one. &hat-s the sa'est concl(sion to )(mp to.

=;e-re not going to r(n into him. #e le't 6aleigh right a'ter we bro%e (p last year.> =5id yo( brea% (p with him?> #e-s 'ishing. #e-s as%ed similar, b(t more "ag(e, F(estions o"er the past 'ew wee%s, b(t they-"e been ambig(o(s eno(gh 'or me to dodge them or answer them witho(t gi"ing too m(ch away. For instance, last wee% he as%ed i' + had e"er been cheated on. ! 'ew days be'ore that he as%ed how many g(ys +-"e had seB with. ;hen + told him +-"e only had seB with one other g(y, he got a glimmer o' hope in his eye. #e seemed to be pleased to %now that +-m practically "irginal and to ha"e me )(st a little more 'ig(red o(t. =Aes, + bro%e (p with him.> =&his is the same g(y who was yo(r 'irst?> =;hy are yo( as%ing these F(estions all o' a s(dden?> =+ )(st 'eel li%e + sho(ld %now these things be'ore we get to yo(r Ihood. +-m not a 6aleigh g(y. + grew (p in and aro(nd Carolina .each be'ore my parents mo"ed to ;ilmington 'i"e years ago when + went to 5(%e. + don-t ha"e a lot o' 'riends in 6aleigh. + )(st want to ma%e s(re +-m not ca(ght by s(rprise.> #e thin%s we-re going to r(n into someone, not )(st Chris, who may gi"e him a hard time abo(t being with me. 7aybe he e"en thin%s @ac%ie-s going to gi"e him a hard time. #e may be right abo(t that. ;hen Chris and + bro%e the news abo(t o(r relationship to @ac%ie shortly a'ter my eighteenth birthday, she wasn-t s(rprisedJshe was ecstatic. Something tells me she won-t be so ecstatic to see me with !dam. =Loo%. ;hen we go to my 'oster mother-s ho(se tomorrow, yo(-re going to ha"e to stay in the tr(c%. + really wish + co(ld introd(ce yo( to her, b(t + )(st don-t thin% it-s the right time.> =6eally?>

=6eally. She doesn-t %now + dropped o(t. She doesn-t %now what happened a'ter + dropped o(t. !nd she doesn-t %now abo(t yo(. She-s "ery protecti"e and opinionated. + ha"e a lot to tal% abo(t with her tomorrow. + want to ease her into e"erything that-s happened. + don-t want her to disli%e yo( )(st beca(se she-s pissed at me.> #e raises his eyebrows as he %eeps his eyes on the road stretched o(t be'ore (s li%e a sil"er sword deli"ering (s into the belly o' the beast. #e-s not pleased with my eBplanation o' why he can-t meet @ac%ie. .(t this is only beca(se he doesn-t (nderstand that +-m sa"ing him the grie' o' too m(ch in'ormation. &he less he %nows abo(t who @ac%ie is, the less he %nows abo(t who Chris is. &he less !dam %nows abo(t Chris, the less chance he-ll ha"e o' being intimidated by the 'act that not only is Chris Mnight my eB, b(t +-m the inspiration 'or so many o' the Chris Mnight songs he lo"es. + ta%e a deep breath and prepare mysel' to ma%e the biggest mista%e +-"e made in a "ery long time. =$%ay. #ow abo(t this? ;hen we get home tomorrow +-ll tell yo( e"erythingJb(t not (ntil then. + )(st want to en)oy my birthday.> =Ao( don-t ha"e to do that.> =+ %now + don-t. + want to.> @(st spea%ing these words alo(d dials (p the anBiety inside me and + draw in another deep breath. =+ need to.> #e reaches across the console and grabs my hand. =+-m ready when yo( are.>

Chapter Se$enteen Relentless Re$elations

;e wal% into /orthstar .an% and + instantly remember it. + remember the lobby with the spec%led brown tile, the high ceiling, and the enormo(s wood and glass chandelier. + remember the o''ices to my le't where my mom bro(ght me once when + was siB or se"en. 5id she bring me with her when she set (p the tr(st acco(nt? + wal% thro(gh the doorway on my le't into another small reception area and the receptionist loo%s (p 'rom her comp(ter screen with her eyebrows raised and lips p(rsed as i' my mere presence annoys her. =Can + help yo(?> she 'inally says. + try not to roll my eyes as + say, =+-m here to see #enry $wens.> =+s he eBpecting yo(?> =+-m pretty s(re he-s been eBpecting me 'or thirteen years.> She pic%s (p her phone and dials an eBtension. =#enry, yo( ha"eJ> =Claire /iBon,> + say as she loo%s (p at me F(estioningly. =JClaire /iBon here to see yo(.> She glances at my shorts F(ic%ly as she listens to #enry spea%. =:ot it.> She hangs (p and the sm(g loo% on her 'ace ma%es me dread what she-s abo(t to say. =#e-s in the middle o' something. #e said yo(-ll ha"e to wait a while since yo( don-t ha"e an appointment.> &his time + can-t stop mysel' 'rom rolling my eyes as + t(rn aro(nd and ta%e a seat neBt to !dam on the tweed armchairs that loo% li%e they-"e been here since the eighties. !dam grabs my hand and gi"es it a sF(eeGe. =Ao(-"e waited thirteen years. Ao( can wait a 'ew more min(tes.>

=&a%e yo(r wisdom and get o(tta here.> #e smiles and %isses my chee%. =;ant to hear a )o%e while yo( wait?> #onestly, +-m already ner"o(s as hell. + don-t thin% a corny )o%e is going to calm my ner"es, b(t + can-t resist the (rge to hear him bomb. + loo% at him 'or a moment be'ore + answer beca(se + can-t belie"e how l(c%y + am. Some moments are made 'or showing (s who o(r tr(e 'riends are, and in this moment + realiGe !dam is my 'riend. 7y tr(e 'riend. #e dro"e 1 4 miles to pro"e that to me today. + don-t 'eel li%e + deser"e him, b(t +-ll do my best to %eep him. !nd someday +-ll 'ind a way to repay him. =:o 'or it,> + say. #e sF(ints at me beca(se he %nows my mind is elsewhere. =$%ay. 5irty or corny?> + glance at the receptionist who appears to be enthralled in whate"er she-s loo%ing at on her comp(ter screen, b(t she-s only eight 'eet away. =.etter go 'or corny this time,> + m(tter. =$%ay. Mnoc%, %noc%.> =;ho-s there?> =$li"e.> =$li"e who?> =$li"e Ao(.> =+ thin% + )(st threw (p some 'r(it and yog(rt in my mo(th.> #is eyes widen as he pretends to be o''ended and + smile. =;here are my manners? Come on in. +-"e been waiting 'or yo( all my li'e, $li"e Ao(.> =Ao(-re not )(st saying that Ica(se + said it, are yo(?> =/ope. + mean it. #onestly and tr(ly. $li"e Ao( with all my m(shy red pimiento heart.> =/ow I )(st threw (p in my mo(th.> #e grins as leans in to %iss me when + hear someone call my name. + t(rn and 'ind a thin gentleman, maybe late*'orties, with graying brown hair, a gray s(it, and a %ind 'ace.

=!re yo( ready, Claire?> he as%s, and + nod as + rise 'rom the chair. !dam stays close behind as + 'ollow #enry down a corridor o' c(bicles. #e t(rns right at the end o' the corridor and heads 'or an open o''ice door. ;e enter the o''ice and he wa"es at a co(ple o' chairs identical to the ones in the lobby. #e ta%es a seat in his leather des% chair and rests his elbows on top o' a manila 'older in the center o' his des%. =First o' all, Claire, + )(st want to say that +-m "ery sorry abo(t yo(r mother. She was a 'riend o' mine in high school and + was de"astated to hear abo(t her death and e"en more saddened to %now the circ(mstances.> #e-s probably re'erring to the 'act that + was loc%ed in that trailer with my dead mother 'or nearly two days. + sho(ld be angry that he-s bro(ght this image into my mind, b(t he does loo% gen(inely saddened. =&han% yo(,> + say. =.(t +-m not here to tal% abo(t my mother-s death. +-m here to tal% abo(t this tr(st acco(nt. + want to %now where the money came 'rom.> =$' co(rse. 5o yo( mind closing the door?> he as%s !dam, who-s closest to the o''ice door. !dam doesn-t e"en ha"e to stand 'rom his chair in this tiny o''ice to p(sh the door so'tly closed. #enry opens the manila 'older and his eyes scan the contents as he 'lips thro(gh the pages. =+ ha"e h(ndreds o' deposits here. &hey-re all electronic '(nds trans'ers 'rom a single donor.> =/ot my mother?> #e sha%es his head solemnly and + almost want to reach across the des% and strangle him to spit it o(t. =;ho?> + as% as + lean 'orward in my chair. =+-ll need to see some identi'ication 'irst, as we disc(ssed.> + loo% o"er my sho(lder at !dam and he p(lls o(t his wallet as + slide my two eBpired +5s o(t o' my bac% poc%et. +

lay them 'lat on the des% and !dam lays his dri"er-s license and a credit card neBt to mine. #enry eBamines all 'o(r +5s 'or a moment be'ore he slides them bac% across the des%. =;ell, as +-m s(re yo(-"e g(essed, yo(r mother is the grantor 'or the tr(st and she reF(ested that yo( not be granted access (ntil yo(r twenty*'irst birthday.> #e hea"es a sigh as he gaGes at the 'older in 'ront o' him. =She wanted yo( to be pro"ided 'or.> &he way he says this ma%es me thin% my mother %new she wasn-t going to li"e "ery long. +-m s(re most dr(g addicts 'eel this way at some point, b(t something 'eels o'' abo(t this whole sit(ation. =!re yo( saying my mom %illed hersel'?> #enry loo%s (p 'rom the 'older loo%ing con'(sed. #e tho(ght + already %new this. =$h, :od,> + whisper as + b(ry my 'ace in my hands. =+ can-t belie"e this.> =Ao(r mother lo"ed yo(, Claire,> #enry insists. !dam r(bs my bac% as + press the heels o' my hands against my eyelidsH trying to p(sh bac% the memory o' the ho(rs + spent hiding 'rom my mother-s dead body. + thin% o' how my legs ached as + stood in the crac% between the re'rigerator and the wall. #ow + con"inced mysel' more than once that i' + came o(t o' my hiding place, this time she wo(ld be ali"e. #ow + pissed mysel' beca(se + was too a'raid to wal% thro(gh the li"ing room to go to the restroom. #ow the policeman who 'o(nd me cried as he carried me o(t o' the trailer. !ll this time + tho(ght it was an accident. + tho(ght my mother made a mista%e, a miscalc(lation. E"en a'ter e"erything + went thro(gh be'ore that policeman 'o(nd me and in all the 'oster homes a'ter that, + ne"er hated my mother. Dntil now. + sit (p and wipe the tears away 'rom my 'ace. =;ho-s the donor?> &he lines at the corners o' his eyes deepen as he

contemplates the answer to this F(estion. #e glances at !dam then bac% at me. =+ thin% yo( might want to be alone when yo( hear this.> !dam begins to stand and + p(t my hand on his %nee to stop him. =#enry, yo( )(st told me my mother committed s(icide,> + say incred(lo(sly. =5o yo( really thin% anything yo( tell me now is going to be more de"astating than that? ;ho-s the '(c%ing donor?> #enry loo%s bac% and 'orth ner"o(sly between !dam and me as i' we-"e )(st pointed g(ns at his head and as%ed him to open the ban% "a(lt. =Aes, + do thin% this news will be F(ite de"astating, b(t +-ll respect yo(r wishes i' yo( want yo(r 'riend here with yo(.> 7y leg starts bo(ncing (ncontrollably as + wait 'or #enry-s neBt words. =Ao(r 'ather is the donor, b(tJ> #e p(ts a hand (p to stop me 'rom spea%ing when + open my mo(th. =Jbe'ore yo( acc(se yo(r mother o' %eeping yo( 'rom yo(r 'ather while ta%ing his money, there-s something yo( need to %now.> &he 'ew bites o' yog(rt + ate three ho(rs ago are swirling in my belly as my stomach twists in %nots 'rom the anticipation. =Claire, yo(r mother was raped when she was se"enteen by one o' her co(sins.> + %new her (ncle repeatedly raped her 'rom age nine to 'o(rteen, b(t she ne"er told me anything abo(t her co(sin. =!re yo( s(re yo( don-t mean she was raped by her (ncle? .eca(se she told me abo(t that.> #enry sha%es his head. =+t was the son o' the same (ncle. Claire, yo(r mother was a good person. She tr(sted too many people too m(ch.> =Dntil she didn-t tr(st anybody at all,> + say, beginning to (nderstand why my mother %ept me loc%ed away in that trailer and why she was so adamant abo(t teaching me how to stay sa'e. &hen another realiGation hits me. ;e were tal%ing abo(t

the donor on the tr(st acco(nt be'ore #enry told me my mother was raped by her co(sin. =$h, :od,> + whisper, and + do(ble o"er in my chair, s(ddenly 'eeling as i' a ten*ton slab o' concrete is cr(shing my chest. =#e-s my 'ather.> !dam slides o'' the chair and %neels in 'ront o' me. =+ thin% we sho(ld lea"e.> #e li'ts my chin and ta%es my 'ace in his hands. =Ao( don-t need to hear any more o' this shit.> =7y mother ne"er told me any o' this,> + whisper as he swipes his th(mb across my 'ace to br(sh away the tears. =#e raped her and she still too% his money.> + grab !dam-s hands and p(ll them away 'rom my 'ace, b(t + hold tight to them as they rest in my lap. =She did it beca(se she wanted yo( to be ta%en care o',> #enry insists. =&wo h(ndred and se"enteen tho(sand dollars.> @(st saying the words alo(d ma%es me 'eel 'ilthy. =;hy wo(ld he gi"e her so m(ch money?> !lmost as soon as + spea% the words + %now the answer. +t was h(sh money to %eep her 'rom t(rning him in. +t had to be. She (sed her pain to eBtort money 'rom him. She ga"e (p the chance 'or )(stice so that + wo(ld ha"e a chance at a better li'e. =+ don-t want that money.> !dam stares 'iercely into my eyes. =Ao( don-t ha"e to ta%e a single penny o' it. Let-s get o(t o' here. Ao( don-t need this shit, especially not on yo(r birthday.> =Ao( %now we can-t legally %eep this money. &he money will )(st sit here collecting interest,> #enry in'orms me, as i' + care. =She wanted yo( to ha"e the money.> !dam stands (p and scoots aside so + can stand. #enry loo%s (p at me 'rom his des% with a sad loo% in his eyes. #e-s disappointed that + can-t ta%e the money my mother intended 'or me. + wonder silently i' he e"er had a relationship with my mother. #ow co(ld someone so %ind

and straight*laced as #enry be so 'iercely protecti"e o' a heroin addict who committed s(icide and eBtorted money 'rom her rapist? + %now my mother had a hard li'e. + didn-t %now anyone who-d had a more di''ic(lt li'e than her. .(t that was no eBc(se 'or what she did. She le't me homeless, dri'ting 'rom one 'amily to the neBt, ne"er staying anywhere long eno(gh to 'orm any tr(e 'riendships. 7aybe she tho(ght she was doing me a 'a"or by tearing hersel' o(t o' my li'e. 7aybe she tho(ght + wo(ld end (p with a good 'amily right away. She didn-t %now it wo(ld ta%e eight years 'or me to arri"e on the Mnight-s doorstep. =+ )(st ha"e one more F(estion,> + say as !dam and + reach the o''ice door. =+' my mom %new she was going to %ill hersel', why didn-t she call the police be'ore she did it? ;hy didn-t she send me to the neighbors or something? ;hy did she ma%e me stay there with her?> #enry hea"es a deep sigh. =+ don-t %now.>

=!re yo( s(re yo( still want to go to dinner? ;e can stay at the hotel room and tal%. $r we can go home. +t-s (p to yo(.> + sha%e my head and close my eyes as + lean bac% against the headrest in the tr(c%. =+ don-t want to ma%e any more decisions today. Ao( decide.> =$%ay, we-re going home.> =/oE + want to see Senia tonight. @(st go to the hotel and we can hang o(t there (ntil dinner.> =!nything yo( want.> !'ter we chec% in at the hotel, we go (p to o(r room

and c(rl (p on the bed. =+ want to %now what it-s li%e to not 'eel lost,> + say as + rest my head on !dam-s sho(lder and he stro%es my hair. =+ don-t %now i' anybody e"er gets there, b(t we can try.> =7y mom and + (sed to play this game whene"er someone %noc%ed on o(r 'ront door. She wo(ld 'ace the door while + chose one o' three hiding places: (nder the bed, in the closet, or in the noo% between the 'ridge and the wall. !s soon as she got rid o' whoe"er was at the door, she-d come loo%ing 'or me. +' + was hiding in the 'irst place she loo%ed, she got to tic%le me. + thin% o' st('' li%e that then + thin% o' the things #enry )(st told me and + don-t thin% + e"er %new my mother.> =/one o' this has to ma%e any sense to yo( right now.> =&he thing is, it does ma%e sense. She didn-t want to li"e. + almost don-t blame her 'or ending her li'e a'ter e"erything she went thro(gh.> + c(rl my 'ingers aro(nd a piece o' his shirt and sF(eeGe tightly. =&he worst part is that + still want her here. E"en a'ter e"erything +-"e learned today. !nd part o' me %nows that i' + had been bra"er, i' + had called 0*1*1 right away, she might still be here.> =Ao( don-t %now that. Ao( said it yo(rsel'H yo( don-t blame her a'ter e"erything she went thro(gh. +' yo( had sa"ed her that day, she probably wo(ld ha"e 'o(nd another way to do it.> + don-t say anything beca(se he-s right. 7y mother didn-t want to li"e, not e"en 'or me. =+-m )(st so angry with her.> =$ne thing they ta(ght (s in anger managementJ> =$h, no,> + m(tter. #e po%es my side and contin(es his pep tal% o"er my la(ghter. =:o ahead la(gh, b(t +-m serio(s. + %now yo( li%e to meditate, b(t they ta(ght (s in anger management class to let go o' the anger by imagining what yo( wo(ld say to the

person yo(-re angry with i' yo( 'orga"e them. ;hat wo(ld yo( say to yo(r mom to let her %now yo(-"e 'orgi"en her?> + pa(se 'or a moment to thin% abo(t this. &here are so many things +-d say to her. +-"e spent co(ntless nights lying in bed (nable to sleep as + imagine the con"ersations we-d ha"e i' she were still ali"e. + sit (p on the bed and cross my legs as i' +-m going to meditate. =+ wo(ld tell her that + lo"e her and that + %now she did what she tho(ght she needed to do to ma%e the aching go away. + wo(ld tell her that +-m sorry abo(t what happened to her and how + wish + was the one who co(ld ha"e healed her.> !dam sits (p and grabs my hands. =;hat else?> =+-d than% her 'or thin%ing o' my '(t(re. +-d than% her 'or lo"ing me and ta%ing care o' me the only way she %new how.> + bite my lip as + loo% (p. !dam-s eyes are completely 'oc(sed, (rging me on. =+-d tell her that + miss her so m(ch.> #e p(lls me toward him as + sob into his sho(lder. =Ao(-re going to be o%ay,> he says, planting a %iss on my 'orehead. =.eca(se yo( ha"e a bigger heart than anyone +-"e e"er met. !nd my mom always says that li'e is a game and he, or she, who has the biggest heart wins.> + p(ll bac% to loo% him in the eye. =&han% yo( 'or e"erything. For bringing me here, 'or ma%ing me la(gh, 'or %nowing eBactly what to say. &han% yo( 'or lo"ing me.> #e smiles as he sha%es his head. =Ao(-re going to be than%ing me 'or that 'or a "ery long time Ica(se yo(-re ne"er getting rid o' me.>

Chapter Ei'hteen Relentless Storm

.y the time we wal% o(t o' the hotel, the rain is po(ring onto the streets o' downtown 6aleigh. ;e had planned to wal% the hal'*mile to the resta(rant, b(t that-s not going to happen now. !dam 'inds a place to par% in the par%ing dec% on .lo(nt Street and we race thro(gh the rain to meet Senia and Eddie. ;e pass a crowd o' people standing o(tside &he <o(r #o(se 7(sic #all waiting to be let in 'or the neBt show. =+ hope yo( don-t mind, b(t + in"ited a co(ple o' my b(ddies 'rom 5(%e,> !dam says as he opens the door 'or me at .ida 7anda. =&hey-re a year yo(nger than me so don-t hesitate to p(nch them i' they come on to yo(.> =+sn-t that your )ob?> + say as we approach the hostess. =+-m on probation, remember?> + sigh as + p(ll my wet hair into a low ponytail. =;hy do + always go 'or the bad boys?> &he hostess leads (s to a table and + immediately spot Senia wa"ing at me 'rom the bac% o' the room where they sit at the end o' a "ery long table. She bolts o(t o' her chair and we r(n to each other as i' we ha"en-t seen each other in 'o(r years instead o' )(st 'o(r wee%s. ;e h(g and + yelp as she li'ts me o'' the 'loor. =#appy birthdayE> she sho(ts. =Sa"e some o' that energy 'or later, seBy,> + say, and she growls as she p(ts me down. =Ao(-re )(st so hard to resist in yo(r wet &*shirt.> She hoo%s her arm in mine and wa"es at !dam as she drags me to the table. !dam-s two 'riends are there and so is Eddie. !dam and his 'riends do a secret handsha%e be'ore he sits on the end o' the table neBt to his b(ddies and + sit across 'rom him neBt to Senia.

=Claire, this is 6olly and +an,> he says, pointing a th(mb at +an neBt to him. 6olly is a big g(y, possibly taller than !dam and b(ilt li%e a linebac%er. +an is almost as hot as !dam, with his per'ectly symmetrical 'acial 'eat(res and icy*bl(e eyes, tho(gh he-s a bit scrawnier. .y the time dinner arri"es, +-"e learned that 6olly and +an are stepbrothers who also happen to be best 'riends. &heir parents got married ten years ago and now they share a dorm at 5(%e. &heir dorm was neBt to !dam-s two years ago and they met when !dam p(nched a hole thro(gh their wall. 6olly-s ch(bby chee%s pl(mp (p as he grins at me. =.(t he went to anger management so he-s all better now.> =She already %nows abo(t that,> !dam groans as he reaches 'or his glass o' water and p(shes it across the table toward me. &his is o(r ro(tine e"ery time we go o(t to eat so it-s second nat(re to him now. + 'inish the last two g(lps in my almost empty glass and accept his glass. =Aeah, b(t does she %now abo(t the time yo( threw 7i%e-s laptop o(t the window?> +an as%s, his eyebrows per%ing (p. =Let-s not go into all the shit the +ncredible !dam bro%e in his 'its o' rage.> !dam sha%es his head in a can*yo(* belie"e*these*g(ys eBpression. + smile, b(t +-m silently wondering how he managed to change 'rom being s(ch a tyrant into the person he is now. ;e-"e been so b(sy trying to 'iB meH we ha"en-t del"ed eno(gh into his pain. &he rest o' the dinner is '(n, and + act(ally ha"e my 'irst sip o' alcohol when we all toast to my birthday. &he waitress is in a good mood, so she allows me to (se my eBpired +5 when Eddie orders (s each a champagne coc%tail, which is )(st champagne with a 'la"ored s(gar c(be. =&o the birthday girl,> Eddie says, raising his glass and

we all 'ollow s(it. !dam t(rns to me. =&o the birthday girl. &he girl who stole my heart and my water.> 7y 'irst sip o' alcohol isn-t so bad, b(t !dam insists +-m not allowed to drin% more than one glass. ;ithin two sips, +-m already 'eeling warm and 'ris%y. + smile at !dam across the table as my 'oot graGes his shin. #is le't eyebrow shoots (p and + win% at him. #e reaches 'or my drin% and slides it across the table so it-s neBt to his empty bowl. =+ thin% yo( sho(ld stic% to water.> + slide my 'oot 'arther (p his leg and he grabs it (nder the table. =Loo% at the time. ;e-d better get going be'ore we miss the show.> !'ter we settle the chec%, +an and 6olly head home and we head neBt door. &he crowd o(tside &he <o(r #o(se is thinning as people h(stle inside to get the best "iew o' the stage at this intimate m(sic hall. &he o(tside o' &he <o(r #o(se loo%s li%e any di"e bar. &he inside is dar% and crowded with some pool tables and standing room only in 'ront o' the stage. +-"e been here once be'ore to watch a local indie band called 5eath <(ppy, which t(rned o(t to be three nerdy hipsters per'orming an aco(stic set o' their mostly electronic m(sic. =;ho-s playing tonight?> + as% as a p(shy crowd herds (s toward the bar. =Chris Mnight. +t-s a secret per'ormance 'or his local 'ans.> Senia and + loo% at each other and she immediately throws her arm aro(nd my sho(lder to p(ll me aside. Eddie and !dam loo% on 'rom a 'ew yards away in con'(sion as she presses me (p against a wall and gets in my 'ace. =Ao( can-t 'rea% o(t, Claire, or he-s going to %now. #e-s going to %now that Chris is yo(r eB and it will all be downhill 'rom there. /o g(y wants to 'ind o(t their girl'riend (sed to be with a '(c%ing roc% star. 5on-t 'rea% o(t.> 7y heart po(nds against my chest, probably dying to

get away 'rom the oncoming m(sical assa(lt. + can barely listen to his songs when they come on the radio or 7&N. &here is no way +-ll ma%e it thro(gh an entire concert o' his m(sic while standing )(st a 'ew 'eet away 'rom him. =!re yo( serio(sly implying + need to end(re the neBt three ho(rs o' tort(re? /oE + want o(t o' here. ;hat i' he sees me?> =Claire?> &he so(nd o' @oanie &ipton-s laGy drawl ma%es my s%in pric%le. =Claire, is that yo(?> + t(rn to my right and @oanie is with Christa 7on% and Neronica E"ers. + don-t %now i' @oanie has shared my secret with her two best 'riends, b(t the bored loo%s on their 'aces tells me she probably hasn-t. 7y mind 'lashes F(ic%ly to two days a'ter @oanie saw me in the hospitalJthe day + 'inally wor%ed (p the ner"e and energy to go to @oanie-s dorm and beg her not to tell anybody. &he tr(th was, + really didn-t care what @oanie or any o' her cronies tho(ght abo(t me. + )(st didn-t want it to get bac% to Chris. =@oanie,> + say, trying to %eep my "oice le"el. =Ao(-re here to see Chris? !re yo( two bac% together?> Christa and Neronica-s eyes widen at this re"elation. =/o, we-re not. + was act(ally )(st lea"ing.> Senia grabs my arm. =/o, we-re not. ;e-re )(st getting some drin%s. &oday-s Claire-s twenty*'irst birthday.> She casts @oanie a deadly loo%, daring her to '(c% (p my birthday. @oanie sighs, already bored with (s, when !dam appears at my side. =!re yo( o%ay, babe?> he as%s, and @oanie-s eyes light (p at the sight o' him. =+-m 'ine.> + can-t lea"e now. @oanie is bo(nd to r(n onto the stage and scream my secrets into the microphone i' we-re not here to stop her. !nd she-d lo"e to point o(t to Chris that +-m here

with someone elseJnot that he-d care. +-m s(re he-s mo"ed onJmany times. =+ thin% + need a drin%,> + say, loo%ing (p at !dam. #e scr(nches his eyebrows together. =!re yo( s(re?> + nod. +t-s abo(t the only thing +-m s(re o' right now. =En)oy the show, @oanie,> + say as + p(sh !dam toward the bar. + don-t want to introd(ce him to @oanie. &he last thing + need is 'or her to pretend she-s dr(n% so she can accidentally spill some secrets li%e she did at Senia-s birthday party o(r 'reshman yearJbe'ore + %new @oanie was only pretending to be my 'riend so she co(ld get close to Chris. !dam orders (s both a beer then glares at me as he leans (p against the bar. =Something-s wrong.> &he imp(lsi"e side o' my brain is screaming at me to )(st tell him. &his night is going to s(c% whether + tell him or not. &he rational side o' my brain is begging me to %eep my mo(th sh(t. + 'inally ha"e someone who ma%es me 'eel happyH someone who might (nderstand the mista%es +-"e made i' + tell him in a more ne(tral en"ironment. &his is de'initely not the place to come clean. =+-m 'ine. +-m )(st really eBcited.> + ta%e a swig o' the beer, which is bitter and %ind o' gross compared to the sweet champagne. &he so(nd crew 'inishes setting (p the instr(ments on stage and + can 'eel the anticipation b(ilding in the crowd. =Let-s go see i' we can sF(eeGe in closer to the stage,> he says, grabbing my hand. =/oE> Senia and + sho(t in (nison. !dam and Eddie glare at (s. =;e sho(ld stay neBt to the bar in case Claire wants to get shit'aced 'or her birthday,> Senia says. =Aeah, + may want to get shit'aced.> !dam sha%es his head. =Ao( are not getting dr(n% tonight.>

=+t-s my birthday and +-m twenty*one. + thin% that-s my decision, b(ddy.> #e 'rowns at me. #e %nows something is (p. +-m not acting li%e mysel'. + set the glass o' beer on the co(nter and 'lag the bartender down to as% him 'or some water. !dam leans close to me, p(ts his lips neBt to my ear, and whispers, =5o yo( want to tell me what the '(c% is going on?> &he bartender loo%s at me and + sho(t, =! glass o' water, pleaseE> &he bartender loo%s annoyed at my reF(est, b(t he F(ic%ly 'ills a glass with some ice and water and slides it across to me. + ta%e a long swig, letting the icy liF(id cool the spicy 'ood, and the secrets, b(rning inside me. + don-t 'eel well. + t(rn to !dam and his nose b(mps mine. + can 'eel the heat o' his breath on my mo(th and + want to %iss himJnot )(st to ma%e him 'orget abo(t the F(estion he )(st as%ed. + want to %iss him to b(rn the memory o' his lips into my brain beca(se + ha"e a bad 'eeling e"erything is going to change a'ter tonight. =Can we tal% abo(t it a'ter the show?> + as%, and my stomach clenches as + realiGe this is not a stall tactic. +-m ready to tell him. + will tell him e"erything. #e nods then plants a so't %iss on my lips. + set my glass o' water down on the bar and throw my arms aro(nd his nec%. + need to 'eel his warmth. #e wraps his arms aro(nd my waist and ch(c%les in my ear. &he crowd behind me eBplodes with cheers and appla(se and + %now what +-m going to see i' + let go o' !dam and t(rn aro(nd. + tighten my grip on his nec% as my heart po(nds against his. =Claire, the show-s starting,> he says, his "oice strained 'rom how tightly +-m holding onto him. + 'inally release my grip and he smiles down at me as he

nods toward the stage. + close my eyes as + t(rn aro(nd. 5ou can do this. ;ust open your eyes and #et it o!er with. + slowly open my eyes and there he is.

Chapter Nineteen Relentless M#sic

&he bl(e spotlights cast a melancholy glow o"er the stage as Chris positions himsel' on his stool in 'ront o' the microphone. &he dr(mmer behind him is ready to go. +t-s @a%e. + t(rn to the g(y holding the bass g(itar on Chris-s right and + see &ristan. @a%e and &ristan are Chris-s old band mates who he basically d(mped to go solo last year. +t seems they were able to set aside the colossal gr(dge they-"e been carrying to play this gig. Chris 'inally loo%s (p 'rom his g(itar and my heart 'l(tters. #e loo%s eBactly the same as he did a year ago. &he same messy brown hairH the same dar% eyes that t(rn down slightly at the corners, gi"ing him that lost p(ppy dog loo%H the same '(ll lips +-"e %issed a million times. + can-t see i' he still has the nose piercing, b(t + can see the light glinting o'' a new lip piercing. #e-s e"en wearing a ratty blac% D/C hoodie he wore when we were together. + don-t %now why + eBpected him to loo% di''erent. +-"e been care'(lly a"oiding his m(sic "ideos and magaGine articles, tho(gh + did read the :ollin# %tone article only beca(se it was in the employee restroom at the ca'C 'or wee%s and + was 'eeling a bit masochistic that day. + glance aro(nd the room and e"erybody is so eBcited. Ao( can 'eel the energy in the air shi'ting, as i' e"erybody in this room is holding their breath waiting 'or those 'irst 'ew notes. &he tic%ing so(nd o' @a%e-s dr(mstic%s tapping the rim o' the dr(m 'oc(s my attention bac% on the stage. Finally, Chris brings his lips to the microphone and spea%s in that soothing "oice with )(st a hint o' a rasp. =;hat-s (p, 6aleigh?> &he crowd cheers and some people sho(t bac%, =;hat-s (p, Chris?>

+ 'eel as i' +-m 'i'teen again and watching him play on the li"ing room 'loor 'or the 'irst time when he played In 5our @yes by <eter :abriel. Chris was always light*years ahead o' his band matesJan old so(l. #e lo"ed classic roc% and bl(es. #e made me listen to 7iles 5a"is- greatest hits o"er and o"er (ntil + co(ld name each song )(st 'rom hearing the 'irst 'ew notes. #e was obsessed with m(sic and that obsession made his dreams a reality. ! tear slides down my chee% as my heart swells with pride. + made the right decision brea%ing (p with Chris. +' he had stayed in 6aleigh, none o' this wo(ld ha"e been possible. &he 'irst notes o' the song play and it-s an (p*tempo song abo(t a girl who writes lo"e notes. &his song is not abo(t me and, tho(gh + %now it sho(ldn-t matter, + really don-t want to imagine it-s abo(t a real person. !dam slips his arms aro(nd my waist and + smile as + lean my bac% into his chest. #e %isses the top o' my head as the song changes and + hear the 'irst 'ew notes o' =Sleepyhead.> + clench my teeth together and ta%e a deep breath. +' + can ma%e it thro(gh this, + can ma%e it thro(gh the rest o' the night. !dam deser"es it. =Ao(-re sha%ing,> !dam says in my ear, and + can barely hear him o"er the m(sic. =+-m 'ineE> + yell, b(t + don-t t(rn my 'ace toward him. +-m a'raid he-ll see what +-m 'eeling. + do still miss Chris. &his is why + ne"er watch 7&N or listen to the radio. +t-s why + deleted all his songs 'rom my m(sic collection and stashed e"erything that reminds me o' him in boBes that are now collecting d(st in Senia-s parentsgarage. + miss him. E"ery day. + close my eyes and ta%e another deep breath as he belts the chor(s with so m(ch emotion in his "oiceH it-s no wonder all these girls are in lo"e with him. !dam leans down and presses his lips to my ear.

=6emember the eBc(se yo( ga"e me when yo( re)ected my o''er to ta%e yo( on a date?> + thin% abo(t the day he almost ran me o"er with his tr(c% when + was r(nning away 'rom the party, and @oanie, 'i"e wee%s ago. + told him + co(ldn-t go to l(nch with him beca(se + was sleeping in late. +t dawns on me that he-s listening to =Sleepyhead> and thin%ing o' that day. + t(rn aro(nd and 'ace him beca(se + can-t watch Chris and listen to this song and listen to !dam say this all at the same time. !dam li'ts my chin and his eyes search my 'ace 'or something. #e %nows something is o'', b(t he can-t F(ite 'ig(re it o(t. + 'orce a smile, b(t he doesn-t loo% con"inced. + g(GGle down the rest o' my glass o' water and 'inally the song ends. + let o(t a deep sigh as + t(rn aro(nd again. &he rest o' the set is comprised o' songs + don-t thin% were inspired by me and a 'ew co"ers. +-m 'eeling really good abo(t mysel' 'or ma%ing it thro(gh the entire concert (ntil the last song starts. +-"e ne"er heard the title trac% o' Chris-s alb(m, :elentless. &he single hasn-t been released yet, b(t as soon as + hear the 'irst 'ew lines, + %now it-s abo(t (s. =;e %issed (nder the trees, and tal%ed abo(t missing things. + wish + co(ld ha"e held yo( inH held in the heat o' yo(r breathH held onto yo( and + at o(r best.> + do the one thing + thin% can sa"e me 'rom this moment. + spin aro(nd, p(ll !dam-s 'ace to mine, and %iss him. /ot a hard, h(ngry %iss, b(t a slow, sens(al %iss. &he %ind o' %iss that ma%es time stop and e"erything disappear. !ll + can 'eel is the c(r"e o' his mo(th as it 'its into mine. !ll + can smell is the 'aint hint o' beer on his lips. !ll + can taste is the slightly sweet alcohol on his tong(e. =#a"ing '(n?> @oanie sho(ts. =$(chE> !dam yelps as + accidentally bite down on the tip o' his tong(e.

=SorryE> + stro%e his chee% and %iss the corner o' his mo(th, trying to ignore the 'act that somewhere behind me @oanie is watching (s. =+-m o%ay,> he says, then lic%s my chee% to pro"e it. =EwE> + sF(eal and he la(ghs. =!ren-t yo( two adorable?> @oanie yells into the bac% o' my head. She-s ob"io(sly dr(n%. + sho(ld ignore her, b(t +-m so tired o' her shit. + t(rn aro(nd and loo% her in the eye so she %nows + %now she-s there. &hen + t(rn bac% to !dam and %iss himJhard this time. + can hear her cac%ling behind me and + brea% away be'ore + ro(nd on her. =F(c% o'', @oanieE> =Ao( s(re mo"ed on F(ic%ly. ;hat wo(ld Chris thin%?> + ta%e a step 'orward to get in her 'ace and !dam-s hands loc% aro(nd my arms. =Chris and + aren-t together anymoreE> =Ao( %now what +-m tal%ing abo(tE> &he song ends and she smiles as she spins aro(nd, c(ps her hands o"er her mo(th, and sho(ts, =CH:I%8 C=/I:@ G/>@ 5'7: 1/15 7 F': /6' )I'N8> &he room is dead silent as Chris-s eyes dart o"er the crowd toward @oanie-s "oice and loc% on me. +-m 'roGen. &his can-t be happening. &hen !dam-s hands 'all away 'rom my arms and + %now +-m alone. +-m more alone in this moment than + ha"e e"er been in my li'e, with the weight o' h(ndreds o' eyes pressing in on me.

Chapter Twent! Relentless ecisions

.e'ore anybody can stop me, + dart 'or the eBit. + dodge Senia as she reaches 'or me, p(shing aside anyone who gets in my way. + need to get o(t o' here. + b(rst thro(gh the eBit onto .lo(nt Street and the rain po(rs down on me, gi"ing new meaning to the name <o(r #o(se. + glance (p and down the street, trying to 'ig(re o(t which direction we came 'rom the hotel, b(t + can-t see anything + recogniGe thro(gh the relentless rain. +t doesn-t matter. + probably won-t be staying at the hotel tonight anyway. !dam won-t want anything to do with me a'ter this. + ta%e o'' in the direction we came 'rom the resta(rant and race past .ida 7anda. +-"e ta%en no more than ten steps be'ore someone grabs my wrist and spins me aro(nd, b(t it-s not who + eBpect. +t-s Chris. =$h, :od,> + whimper. +t-s happening. &he day +-"e been dreading 'or almost a year. =;hat the '(c%?> he sho(ts, loo%ing as con'(sed as + 'elt the day + 'o(nd o(t + was pregnant. =Claire, please tell me it-s not tr(e.> =+-m sorry,> + whisper o"er and o"er. =+-m so sorry.> +-m only "ag(ely aware o' the crowd 'orming aro(nd (s. &he hands are e"erywhere, reaching 'or me, reaching 'or him. S(ddenly, we-re both being p(lled away. 7y 'eet lea"e the pa"ement and +-m 'loating toward an open car door. +-m st(''ed inside and the door is slammed sh(t. &he tires sF(eal as the car dri"es o''. + loo% to my right and Chris is leaning 'orward with his hands cl(tching his hair. =#ow co(ld yo( do this to me?> =+ was scared and + didn-t want to r(in yo(r li'e.>

=!'ter e"erything we went thro(gh.> #e sha%es his head, b(t he still won-t loo% at me. + don-t %now what-s worse, %nowing that Chris %nows or %nowing that !dam %nows and + can-t be there with him to eBplain. =Ao( need to ta%e me bac%.> =&hey-ll mob yo(.> =+ don-t care. 7y 'riends are there.> #e 'inally sits (p and glares at me. =+ don-t get it. ;e tal%ed abo(t ha"ing %ids.> =;hen we were older. /ot now. ;e weren-t ready. Ao( thin% i' yo(-d had a choice yo( wo(ld ha"e chosen to start a 'amily and gi"e (p e"erything yo(-"e wor%ed 'or?> =+ didn-t ha!e a choiceE> &he ang(ish in his "oice ma%es the hair on my arms stand (p and the tears come 'aster than the rain. =+-m sorry + didn-t tell yo(, b(t +-m not sorry that yo( got to li"e yo(r dream.> #e watches the tears rolling down my 'ace and + can 'eel him getting anBio(s. =+ saw yo( tonightH all those girls screaming and crying 'or yo(. Ao( can-t tell me yo(-d gi"e all that (p to be st(c% with me in some '(c%ing s(b(rb in 6aleigh with a mortgage and a screaming baby? &hat-s not what yo( wanted then and it-s de'initely not what yo( want now.> =Ao(-re craGy i' yo( thin% +-d rather ha"e this.> #e mo"es toward me and + don-t 'linch when he ta%es my 'ace in his hands and br(shes the tears 'rom my chee%s. /ot e"en a little. =Ao( don-t %now me at all i' yo( thin% +-d rather lose yo( and my child.> &he palms o' his hands are warm against my damp s%in, b(t his 'ingers are callo(sed 'rom str(mming those steel g(itar strings. S(ddenly, +-m bac% in my bedroom at the Mnight ho(se where Chris le't me o"er a year ago. ,5ou know were both #oin# to re#ret this". he says as he cradles my face in his hands.

,I know" but I dont care.. He kisses me and my entire body rela3es as I lie back on my bed. )his is what Chris and I are meant for and I need it &ust one more time before its o!er. I need to feel him mo!in# inside me. I need to feel the wei#ht of him on top of me. I need to feel safe with him one last time. He lays his palms flat on either side of my head then runs his ton#ue o!er my top lip. / chill passes throu#h me and pulses between my le#s. He pulls his head back and looks me in the eye. ,I lo!e you" Claire. Ill ne!er stop lo!in# you.. I #rab the back of his neck and pull him to me. I wrap my le#s around his waist and he #rinds a#ainst me. )here are too many layers of clothin# between us. I reach for the button on his &eans and he mo!es my hand away as he kisses my neck. ,%low down. *e ha!e all ni#ht.. His hand slides under my shirt as he #ently sucks on my earlobe. I lift my back so he can undo my bra. I hastily peel off my tank top and bra then toss them aside. His fin#ers mo!e li#htly o!er my stomach until he reaches my breast. I draw in a sharp breath as his mouth co!ers my nipple. He licks me slowly and torturously" mo!in# from one breast to the other as his hands unbutton my shorts. I lift my hips so he can pull them off" but he lea!es my panties on. He takes his shirt and &eans off and tosses them onto the floor before he settles himself between my thi#hs a#ain. I can feel him stiff between my le#s as his bare chest slides o!er my breasts. He kisses me and I #asp as his ton#ue parts my lips and thrusts inside my mouth. I clutch handfuls of his hair to keep his head still. I dont want him to mo!e. I dont want to e!er stop kissin# him. He #rinds himself a#ainst me and my panties are soaked with the need to ha!e him inside me. , lease" Chris". I whisper a#ainst his lips.

He kisses my neck as his lips tra!el down to the hollow of my throat. His ton#ue traces a line strai#ht down my center until his face is between my thi#hs. He pulls my panties off and pauses for a moment. I look down to see what hes doin# and hes starin# at me. ,Im #oin# to miss this". he says" before he kisses me so li#htly I can barely feel it. His fin#ers part my flesh and he kisses me tenderly" teasin# me with feather soft licks. )he pleasure builds inside me and I #rip the blanket underneath me to keep from writhin#. ,'h" Chris". I moan. His ton#ue flicks and torments me into a fren(y and soon I find my release as my body con!ulses with ecstasy. He lays a soft trail of kisses o!er my belly and kisses each of my breasts before his mouth is on mine a#ain. He kisses me tenderly and I can feel tears comin# as I think of how much Im #oin# to miss him when hes #one. He pulls his head back and looks down. His bo3er briefs are #one and we both watch as he enters me slowly" my mouth openin# wide in a silent #asp. I wrap my le#s around his waist" beckonin# him farther inside. He takes his time" sinkin# in and out of me with the ease of a boat bobbin# on a calm sea. )hats what I am ri#ht now. I am a calm sea because the storm hasnt arri!ed yet. I know e!erythin# will be different when Chris lea!es" but ri#ht now I want to en&oy this small sli!er of peace. He kisses the tears as they slide down my temples. I ti#hten my arms around his shoulders and crush my lips a#ainst his as he comes inside me. #e-s %issing me and + can 'eel his new lip piercing r(bbing against my (pper lip. + p(sh him hard in the chest and he 'alls bac% into his seat. =;hat are yo( doing?> + shrie%. Chris loo%s con'(sed and + 'eel horrible. =Claire, + miss

(s. + still thin% abo(t yo( e"ery day.> =5on-t do this.> =!nd yo( %now what + thin% abo(t? + thin% abo(t how + can ha"e any girl + want, eBcept 'or yo(. #ow '(c%ed (p is that? ;hy are yo( doing this to me?> =E"erything-s always abo(t you. Ao( le't to p(rs(e your dreams and, yes, + enco(raged yo( to do itJhec%, + wanted yo( to do it and +-m pro(d o' yo(Jb(t yo( ne"er stopped to consider what yo( were lea"ing behind. Ao( ne"er tho(ght o' what it wo(ld do to me to lose my best 'riend and the one person who made me 'eel sa'e. Ao( didn-t ta%e me into yo(r home 'i"e years ago, ChrisH you were my home. ;hen + lost yo(, + lost e"erything.> #e loo%s at me and + can 'eel the regret p(lsing in wa"es o'' both o' (s, li%e two magnets repelling each other. =+-m going to get yo( bac% i' it %ills me.> + shi't (ncom'ortably in my seat beca(se + %now this isn-t an empty promise. Chris gets what he wants. !lways. =Can yo( as% the dri"er to ta%e me to 400 Fayette"ille.> &he car p(lls (p in 'ront o' the hotel entrance a 'ew min(tes later and the months o' regret and agony we-"e both s(''ered is hea"y between (s. + wish + co(ld reach across and tell him we-re going to be together 'ore"er, li%e + once belie"ed, b(t so m(ch has changed. *ith e!ery choice you risk the life you would ha!e had. *ith e!ery decision you lose it. + thin% o' this F(ote e"ery time + get the (rge to tell anyone my secret. +t-s what + tho(ght o' when + decided not to tell Chris abo(t the baby. /ow it-s time to decide again. =+t-s o"er, Chris. !nd +-m sorry. +-"e ne"er been more sorry in my li'e than + am 'or what + did to yo(. + will ne"er stop being sorry. + will ne"er lose this regret, b(t + do thin% + made the right decision. /o matter how m(ch it h(rts. /o matter how m(ch it %ills me to e"en admit that. + did what was right 'or both o' (s beca(se now yo( ha"e yo(r dream

career and + ha"e someone who + lo"e more than + tho(ght + co(ld e"er lo"e someone a'ter yo( le't. !nd, i' yo(-ll eBc(se me, + ha"e to go to him.> + %iss him on the chee% and he leans into me wanting more. =+ will lo"e yo( 'ore"er and e"er, b(t + can-t be with yo(. :oodbye, Chris.>

Chapter Twent!0One Relentless Heartache

&he trip in the ele"ator (p to the siBth 'loor is eBcr(ciatingly slow and 'ast. + hope !dam is here. ;hen + chec% my phone, + ha"e eight teBts and two "oicemails 'rom Senia, b(t nothing 'rom !dam. + teBt Senia to let her %now +-m o%ay and +-ll call her later. + don-t ha"e the energy or the time to tal% to her abo(t this right now. + need to 'ind !dam. + %noc% on the door 'or room 902. !dam has the room %ey. #e o''ered me the second card%ey, b(t + le't it on the nightstand in the room thin%ing + wo(ldn-t need it. +' he doesn-t answer, +-ll )(st sit here and meditate 'or a while then call Senia to pic% me (p. &he door opens and !dam doesn-t loo% at me as he steps bac% 'or me to come inside. #e doesn-t lea"e me m(ch room and my chest br(shes against his arm as + slither past him. #e closes the door and + ta%e a 'ew steps be'ore + t(rn aro(nd. ;hen he 'inally loo%s me in the eye, he doesn-t spea%. #e-s waiting 'or my eBplanation, which, by the loo%s o' it, probably won-t satis'y him. =&here are so many things +-"e done in my li'e that + regret, b(t right now there are two things that top that list. /(mber two is not telling yo( sooner. /(mber one is telling the hospital sta'' that + didn-t want to %now the seB o' the baby.> + sin% down onto the edge o' the bed and 'orce mysel' to remember that day. =E"ery time + get a 'l(ttering in my stomach, + thin% o' all the times my baby mo"ed inside me. E"ery time + see a baby in p(blic, + wonder.> &he mattress crea%s as he sits neBt to me and the (ne"en distrib(tion o' o(r weight p(lls me closer to him. =+ don-t %now i' yo( can (nderstand what it-s li%e to dream abo(t a child with no 'ace. &o 'eel li%e a part o' yo(r heart will always eBist )(st o(t o'

yo(r reach.> #e wraps his arm aro(nd my sho(lder and p(lls my 'ace into his chest. =+-m sorry yo( had to go thro(gh that.> + wrap my arms tightly aro(nd his waist and as + thin% o' all the nights +-"e lied awa%e agoniGing o"er whether + sho(ld tell him my secret. #e %isses my 'orehead as he ta%es my 'ace in his hands and tilts my chin (p. =+ lo"e yo( so '(c%ing m(ch, it h(rts to %now that yo(-"e been carrying this inside o' yo(.> #e pa(ses 'or a moment as he loo%s into my eyes and + can 'eel something bad is coming neBt. =+t %ills me to %now that yo( didn-t tr(st me eno(gh to share it with me. !nd it scares me that yo( didn-t share something so important with someone who was s(pposed to be yo(r 'irst lo"e.> #e leans his 'orehead against mine and s(c%s in a sharp breath. =+ lo"e yo(, b(t + need some time to 'ig(re this o(t.> + p(ll my head bac% and nod beca(se + co(ldn-t spea% i' + tried. =&his doesn-t mean + want to brea% (p.> =+ %now,> + whisper as + stand (p and reach into my bac% poc%et 'or my phone. =;here are yo( going?> =+ ha"e to call Senia to pic% me (p.> =Ao( don-t ha"e to lea"e.> =+ %now, b(t yo( need some time to thin% and yo(-ll probably want to do that witho(t me here.> @(st saying these words alo(d ma%es my chest ache. #e stands and ta%es the phone 'rom my hand. =5on-t go. ;e need to tal%. + don-t want yo( to go.> + draw in a long st(ttered breath as he ta%es my hand in his and leads me to the bed. #e lays my phone on the nightstand and we lie neBt to each other, )(st staring at the ceiling 'or a 'ew min(tes. + thin% o' all the times + co(ld ha"e told himH all the times + should ha"e told him. &hen + thin% o' whether + sho(ld tell him that Chris %issed me. 5id + %iss

him bac%? + can-t remember. +t 'eels li%e an eternity goes by be'ore + 'inally spea%. =$ne o' the 'oster homes + stayed in 'or a 'ew months had a pregnant :erman Shepherd. #er name was !pril. !pril ga"e birth to three gorgeo(s p(ppies while + was there and + remember the loo% on !pril-s 'ace when my 'oster mother too% the p(ppies away to clean them (p. +t was a miBt(re o' con'(sion and gratit(de.> + pa(se 'or a moment as + remember the day + ga"e birth. Senia co"ered my 'ace with a sheet so + co(ldn-t see the baby as they p(lled it o(t o' me, cleaned it (p, and wheeled it away. =+ thin% + co(ld be a good mother, b(t part o' me thin%s that might not be possible beca(se a small part o' me was grate'(l when they too% my baby away 'rom me. + )(st %ept thin%ing how grate'(l + was that my baby wo(ld ne"er ha"e to go thro(gh what + went thro(gh with my mother.> !dam slips his hand (nder my nec% and bec%ons me into his noo%. + rest my head on his sho(lder and breathe the smell o' him miBed with the scent o' rain. =+ thin% yo(-ll ma%e a great mother someday.> #e br(shes my hair o(t o' my 'ace and stro%es my chee% as he contin(es. =+ saw yo( with those %ids at Shell +sland last Sat(rday. &hey lo"ed yo(. Especially Ethan. + was getting a little )ealo(s o' yo( and Ethan.> =Sh(t (p.> =Claire, + meant it when + said yo( ha"e a bigger heart than anyone +-"e e"er met. +t may ha"e been yo(r wic%ed dance mo"es that attracted me to yo( initially, b(t it was the way yo( care 'or Cora that hoo%ed me. + 'o(nd mysel' thin%ing o' good deeds + co(ld do to impress yo(.> + ch(c%le and he contin(es. =+ %now. +t-s pretty pathetic, b(t that-s when + realiGed yo( were ma%ing me into the person + want to beH someone better than who + was be'ore + mo"ed to ;rights"ille.> =+t-s not pathetic, b(t it-s eBactly the opposite o' how +

'elt abo(t yo(.> =So yo(-re saying + made yo( into a worse person than yo( were be'ore + mo"ed in?> =Aes, and no.> #e po%es my side and + p(sh his hand away as + compose mysel'. =Ao( p(shed me to do things that made me (ncom'ortable. + was sleeping, literally. + was meditating sometimes ten times a day )(st to p(sh the memories o(t o' my mind. Ao( were right when yo( said + was sel'*medicating. + ha"en-t meditated once today, and today might be the second most stress'(l day o' my li'e. Ao(-"e helped me in ways that yo( can-t e"en imagine.> =+ ha"en-t smo%ed in o"er a wee%.> =Ao( ha"en-t? ;hy?> =+ told yo( + wo(ldn-t smo%e aro(nd yo( and yo( spent the night in my apartment 'o(r times this wee%. <l(s, + )(st ha"en-t really been cra"ing it as m(ch.> #e slips his arm and sho(lder o(t 'rom (nder my head and 'lips onto his side so he-s 'acing me and + do the same. =+ need to as% yo( a F(estion.> #e pa(ses as i' he-s as%ing 'or permission to proceed. + mil% the moment as + let my gaGe wander o"er his 'ace, committing his 'eat(res to memory. =+ thin% we-"e reached the point where there-s nothing + can-t share with yo(.> =;here did yo( go a'ter yo( le't the concert?> + hea"e a deep sigh and 'orce mysel' not to t(rn away 'rom him. =Chris-s bodyg(ards st(''ed (s into a car to get (s away 'rom his screaming 'ans. ;e dro"e aro(nd while Chris and + tal%ed.> #is gaGe penetrates me and + 'inally loo% down. =#e %issed me.> #e sits (p so s(ddenly my stomach 'lips 'rom the s(dden mo"ement. =#e %issed you? Ao( didn-t %iss him bac%?> #e-s staring at the wall. #e-s not loo%ing at me anymore and it-s ma%ing me ner"o(s. =<lease )(st answer the F(estion. 5id yo( %iss him?>

=+ don-t %now.> + sit (p as he springs o'' the bed. =+ was thin%ing abo(t something and s(ddenly he was %issing me and + p(shed him o'' as soon as + realiGed what was happening. + swear. + don-t thin% + %issed him bac%.> =!re yo( saying he 'orced himsel' on yo(?> &he way he says this thro(gh gritted teeth ma%es me e"en more 'rightened 'or Chris. =/oE #e wo(ld ne"er do that.> #e r(bs his temples as he paces at the 'oot o' the bed. =!dam, please sit down.> #e sha%es his head as his mo(th drops open, b(t he doesn-t spea%. =<lease say something.> #e lets o(t a p('' o' la(ghter. =+ can-t belie"e all this time +-"e been competing with '(c%ing Chris Mnight. !nd yo(-"e been letting me play his songs in the tr(c%.> =Ao(-re not competing with anybody. Chris and + are o"er. &here is nothing between (s.> + rise 'rom the bed and step in 'ront o' him. #e tries to t(rn away and + grab the 'ront o' his shirt. =Listen to me.> #is eyes are 'iBed on the space abo"e my head, b(t + don-t care. =+ lo"e yo(, !dam, and only yo(. + lo"e the way yo( smell. + lo"e yo(r "oice.> + reach (p and to(ch his 'ace. =+ lo"e the way yo(r scr('' r(bs me raw. + lo"e yo(r eyes. + lo"e yo(r lips.> #e 'inally loo%s down as + press my 'inger against his lips. =+ lo"e wa%ing (p neBt to yo(. + lo"e 'alling asleep in yo(r bed. + lo"e 'eeling yo( inside me. + lo"e yo(r st(pid )o%es. + lo"e yo( more than + can e"er '(lly eBpress with words.> #e %isses my 'ingertip and + breathe a sigh o' relie' as + realiGe + ha"e )(st di''(sed a bomb. #e sF(ats down and wraps his arms aro(nd my thighs then pic%s me (p. #e rests his chin between my breasts as he loo%s (p at me. =+ wish + had %nown earlier. +' +-d %nown Chris Mnight was yo(r eB, + wo(ld-"e stepped (p my game.> #e leans his head bac% and + %iss him. Somehow, it

'eels li%e o(r 'irst real %iss. +t-s the 'irst %iss with no secrets between (s. + p(ll away to catch my breath and whisper. =Chris Mnight has nothing on !dam <ar%er.> #e tosses me onto the bed. + giggle as he p(lls his shirt o'' and crawls on top o' me. =+-m going to wipe yo(r memory clean o' him.> #e %isses me hard and o(r hands are e"erywhere as we (ndress each other. =Sit (p against the headboard,> + order him, and he coc%s an eyebrow. =<lease.> #e sits bac% and + straddle his lap as he slips a condom on. + rise (p a little to get him (nderneath me and slowly ease mysel' down onto him. + dig my 'ingernails into his sho(lders as a )olt o' delicio(s pain spar%s inside me. + cradle his 'ace in my hands and %iss him tenderly. #is hands slide o"er my waist and lower bac% be'ore he grips my b(tt. + t(g his bottom lip with my teeth and he moans as we roc% against each other in a slow, rhythmic motion. #e brings his hand 'orward and slides a 'inger between my 'olds. + gasp and throw my head bac% as he caresses my clit while thr(sting himsel' deep inside me. =$h, !dam.> + arch my bac% and he ta%es my nipple into his mo(th. #is tong(e teases my nipple as his 'inger stro%es me. 7y thighs grow wea% as + p(sh mysel' (p and down on him. + p(ll his 'ace to mine and sho"e my tong(e into his mo(th as + grind mysel' against his 'ingers. #e thr(sts himsel' deeper inside me, hitting my core and cr(shing his hand between (s. + p(ll his hand away and grind mysel' against his pel"is as + ride him, 'eeling the power trembling thro(gh o(r bodies as we cl(tch tightly to each other and climaB together. + rest my 'orehead against the top o' his head as he %isses my sho(lder. #e mo"es onto my collarbone then %isses his way (p to my mo(th. ;e %iss li%e this 'or a long

time, with him inside me, (ntil + 'inally p(ll bac%. + loo% him in the eye and as% the one F(estion +-"e been a'raid o' %nowing the answer to since we met. =/ow that yo( %now e"erything, can yo( still tr(st me?> #is chest is still hea"ing as he thin%s abo(t his answer and + lay my hand o"er his chest to 'eel his heartbeat. #e grabs my hand and plants a so't %iss on my palm be'ore he lays it bac% o"er his heart. =+ thin% + tr(sted yo( too easily,> he says, and my stomach clenches as + prepare mysel' 'or what he-s abo(t to say. =.(t + wo(ldn-t gi"e my heart to someone + didn-t tr(st. !nd yo( ha"e my whole heart, Claire, so please be gentle with it.> + %iss his 'orehead and loo% him in the eye. =+-ll be gentle. + wo(ldn-t want to cr(sh my 'a"orite oli"e.>

Chapter Twent!0Two Relentless Lo$e

+t too% siB days to pac% (p all my st('', p(t it in storage, and con"ince the admissions co(nselor at D/C to ta%e me bac% as a sophomore. $%ay, it too% 'i"e days to con"ince the admissions co(nselor and one day to pac%, b(t + got it done with the help o' the most amaGing boy'riend a girl co(ld as% 'or. =Mnoc%, %noc%,> !dam says as he writes <I)CH@N on the boB + )(st 'inished pac%ing. =;ho-s there?> + say, snatching the mar%er 'rom his hand and writing F:/GI=@ on the same boB. =Leopard.> =Leopard, who?> =Leopard with spots.> + glare at him 'rom across the boB we-re both sF(atting neBt to. =Ao(-re %idding? &his is what yo(-re resorting to now?> =@(st ma%ing s(re yo(-re paying attention. #ere-s a good one.> #e ta%es the mar%er 'rom my hand and places it on the %itchen co(nter as he stands. =+-m going to start competing again.> + stand (p so + can loo% him in the eye. =!re yo( being serio(s now?> #e nods and + pa(se 'or a moment be'ore + throw my arms aro(nd his nec%. =&his is greatE +-m so pro(d o' yo(.> #e la(ghs as he wraps his arms aro(nd my waist and li'ts me onto the co(nter. =+t-s not a big deal. +t-s a small competition that ta%es place down in Florida at the end o' this month. +-ll be gone 'or a co(ple o' days so + won-t be able to see yo( that wee%end.> + try not to let the disappointment show on my 'ace. /ow that +-m going bac% to school, wee%ends are the only

time +-ll be seeing !dam. #e promised to dri"e 'rom ;ilmington to D/C e"ery wee%endJa two and a hal' ho(r dri"e. + %now there will be times when both o' (s will ha"e other plans or commitments and there may be times when we-ll go wee%s witho(t seeing each other, b(t it will be worth it. +t will all be worth it when + ha"e my degree and +-m gi"en the chance to mend a child-s bro%en heart the way + wish someone had tried to 'iB mine. =+ wish + co(ld be there to watch.> =Ao( can,> he says. =+ can pic% yo( (p Friday night and we-ll be in Florida at least siB ho(rs be'ore the 'irst heat.> =Aeah, with no sleep. + can-t let yo( go into yo(r 'irst competition with no rest.> =;hat time does yo(r last class end on Friday?> =$ne.> =See. ;e can ma%e it to Florida by ten. +-ll get plenty o' rest, ass(ming yo( can %eep yo(r hands o'' me.> #e wiggles his eyebrows and + sha%e my head. =!dam, yo( don-t ha"e to do this )(st to ma%e me 'eel better abo(t (s being apart. + %now there are going to be times when o(r sched(les don-t mesh. +-m a big girl. + can handle it.> #e sighs as he leans his head bac%. =+ )(st don-t want (s to get (sed to being apart.> + hoo% my legs aro(nd his waist and p(ll him closer. =;e-re going to be o%ay. ;e-re going to spend the whole wee% o' &han%sgi"ing together and 'o(r wee%s d(ring Christmas and /ew Aear-s. ;e-re going to get sic% o' each other.> #e doesn-t loo% con"inced. #e loo%s the way + 'eel. =Ao(-re ass(ming that + won-t ha"e to go to #awaii 'or wor%.> + ta%e a deep breath as + try to resist the (rge to go into the bedroom and meditate. =;e-ll cross that bridge when we come to it.>

=EwE !re yo( g(ys ha"ing seB on the co(nter?> Senia sF(eals as she enters the apartment carrying a siB*pac% o' beer and a siB*pac% o' bottled water. =;ell, don-t let me stop yo(. 7erry Christmas,> she says, handing !dam the beer and me the water. + slide o'' the co(nter and p(t the water down so + can gi"e her a h(g. =;hat did yo(r dad say when yo( as%ed him 'or the day o''?> + as%, crac%ing open a bottle o' water and ta%ing a long swig. =#e said i' + too% the day o'' he was going to 'ire me. &hat-s only the third time this wee% he-s (sed that one.> =Ao(-re s(ch a spoiled brat,> + say, sha%ing my head as + reach 'or another bottle o' water. =Aes, + am, which is why my dad is not 'iring me. #e-s b(ying me a new car.> =Sh(t (pE> !dam rolls his eyes as he scoots past (s. =+-m going to chec% on Cora.> #e scampers o(t o' the apartment and lea"es the door open on his way o(t. &he storm that came the day o' the concert has passed, lea"ing behind clear s%ies and a warm breeGe that carries in the briny scent o' the ocean. Senia grabs a bottle o' water and leans (p against the co(nter. =AepE 7y dad-s getting me a new car and +-m gi"ing yo( the Foc(s.> =+-m not ta%ing yo(r car.> + grab the mar%er o'' the co(nter and march into the li"ing room to label some more boBes. She 'ollows me and sits on top o' the 'irst boB + %neel in 'ront o'. =Ao( are ta%ing my car or +-m p(shing it o"er a cli''. Ao( need it, Claire. !dam can-t always be the one ma%ing the e''ort to see yo(. ! good relationship is a balance o' gi"e and ta%e.> =+ can-t belie"e yo( want to gi"e me yo(r car )(st so + can see my boy'riend on the wee%ends.>

=;ell, + didn-t say that was the only reason. &he position o' Senia-s designated dri"er still hasn-t been 'illed.> + p(sh her o'' the boB and she 'alls onto the 'loor, spilling water o"er the 'ront o' her halter*top. =#eyE> she sF(eals as she 'lings a splash o' water in my direction. &he water hits me in the 'ace and + s(c% in a sharp breath be'ore + compose mysel' and r(n 'or the %itchen to get a retaliatory bottle o' water. &hat-s when + see him standing )(st o(tside the 'ront door. Chris is wearing a .lac% Meys &*shirt and a gray beanie similar to the one he wore the day we met. #is eBpression is serio(s as he stands with his hands behind his bac% and nods at me as i' he can-t say the word hello alo(d. + loo% to Senia and she-s d(mbstr(c% as she gaw%s at him 'rom where she sits on the 'loor. She-s met him plenty o' times, b(t not since he became 'amo(s. Chris t(rns to her and wa"es. =#ey, Senia.> =#hh*hey, Chris,> she replies. #e smiles aw%wardly and t(rns bac% to me. =Claire.> &he way he says my name ma%es my whole body ache. =Can we tal%?> ;e can-t tal% here, with !dam across the hall. =#ow did yo( 'ind me?> #e doesn-t ha"e to answer. #e-s got money coming o(t o' e"ery ori'ice now. &hat was a st(pid F(estion. =+ ha"e something + want to show yo(.> #e p(lls a large manila en"elope o(t 'rom behind his bac%. ! million possibilities race thro(gh my mind at once, b(t only one seems li%ely. =Follow me,> + say as + wal% to the bedroom witho(t loo%ing at Senia. + don-t want to %now i' she thin%s in"iting Chris into my bedroom is a bad idea. + need to %now what-s in this en"elope beca(se + %now Chris wo(ldn-t come all the way o(t here i' it weren-t important. + close the door behind (s as we enter my bedroom. &he

beds were here when + mo"ed in so they-re staying behind when + mo"e o(t. &he mattresses loo% so bare witho(t the sheets and blan%ets. + sit down and he hands me the en"elope as he sits neBt to me. + loo% at him 'or a moment in the daylight and try to determine what-s di''erent abo(t him. =Ao( got rid o' the nose ring?> =Aeah, + too% it o(t o' my nose and popped it straight into my lip.> =&hat-s gross.> =Ao(-re the one who had it in yo(r mo(th when yo( were %issing me.> =Ao( %issed meE> =+s that the o''icial story yo( told yo(r boy'riend?> =+t-s the tr(th and his name is !dam.> =Ao(r 'ace is wet,> he says as he reaches (p and br(shes a drop o' water 'rom my )aw. &he 'amiliarity with which he to(ches me, the com'ort and ease o' reaching 'or someone who yo( once %new better than yo(rsel', all o' this is embedded in this single to(ch. &he second his s%in to(ches mine, a sh(dder tra"els thro(gh me. + F(ic%ly p(sh his hand away. =5on-t do that,> + whisper as + stare at the tattoos on his arms to %eep mysel' 'rom loo%ing into his eyes. 7ost o' them + recogniGe, b(t there-s a new one on the inside o' his right 'orearm that wasn-t there last year. + can only see hal' o' it 'rom this angle, b(t it-s de'initely a shattered heart. + begin (n'olding the metal clasps on the en"elope and he p(ts his hand o"er mine to stop me. =;ait. + need to eBplain 'irst.> + p(sh his hand away again and he leans 'orward, resting his elbows on his thighs. =+ 'elt really lost a'ter yo( le't on Friday. +-"e been 'eeling lost 'or a long time. + come home to "isit e"ery once in a while and yo(-re not there and my mom is a '(c%ing saint,

b(tJ> =Chris, +-m sorry + didn-t "isit @ac%ie on Sat(rday.> =/o, don-t apologiGe 'or that. + told her what happened and she (nderstands.> =Ao( told her?> =;ell, + told her + ran into yo( at the show, b(t + didn-t tell her what yo( told me.> =$h, than% :od.> =!nd + didn-t tell her yo( ripped my heart o(t.> #e sits (p and loo%s me in the eye and + 'eel li%e +-m siBteen again, waiting 'or him to tell me he lo"es me. #is s%in is so per'ectly smooth. + stare at the bow o' his lips the way + (sed to right be'ore we were abo(t to %iss. + wrench my eyes away to meet his gaGe and his dar% eyes glint with a hint o' a smile that barely c(rls his lips. =Claire, yo( don-t ha"e to %eep hiding this. +-m going to 'iB it. + swear.> =Ao( can-t. &his isn-t something that can be 'iBed the way yo( 'iBed me.> =+-m not st(pid. + %now + can-t get bac% what-s not mine.> + don-t %now i' he-s tal%ing abo(t the baby or me, b(t + s(ddenly 'eel the need to meditate. + scoot bac% on the mattress and lay the en"elope on my lap as + c(rl my legs (nderneath me. =&hen why are yo( here?> =+-m here to tell yo( that + want to try. + tal%ed to my lawyer abo(t e"erything and he recommended a good adoption lawyer.> 7y heart po(nds wildly as + anticipate the direction this con"ersation is going. + thin% + %now what he-s going to say, b(t what scares me the most is that + might not want to hear it. =+-"e been tal%ing to the lawyer this wee% and she-s been tal%ing to the agency that handled the adoption,> he

contin(es. =&he g(y at the agency thin%s the co(ple who adopted o(r baby might still agree to an open adoption, since the baby-s only 'o(r months old.> + can-t mo"e or spea% so he ta%es the en"elope 'rom me and p(lls o(t a stac% o' papers held together with a paperclip. #e sets the papers 'acedown on the bed and smiles. =#er name is !bigail. She li"es in 6aleigh.> =She?> + whisper as + press my lips together. =Aeah, and she loo%s )(st li%e yo(.> #e t(rns the stac% o' papers o"er and there-s a pict(re clipped to the 'ront. She-s lying in a crib on top o' a '(GGy cream*colored blan%et. She-s lying peace'(lly asleep and is almost bald, b(t + can still glimpse a t('t o' so't blonde hair growing on the top o' her head. #er top lip is m(ch bigger than her bottom lip as her mo(th hangs open in a silent $. She-s cl(tching a piece o' the blan%et in her ch(bby 'ist the way + do when + sleep. =!bigail,> + whisper as + sha%e my head. + still can-t belie"e it. +-"e been calling her .aby in my mind 'or 'o(r months. E"ery night + say a prayer that .aby is sa'e and warm and lo"ed. + can see 'rom this pict(re alone that !bigail is all o' those things and more. =;e might be able to see her soon, b(t + need to %now that this is what yo( want.> + can-t tear my eyes away 'rom the pict(re, as i' staring at it long eno(gh will ca(se some %ind o' cosmic epiphany and +-ll s(ddenly %now what to do and say. + made the to(gh decision o' gi"ing her (p 'o(r months ago so that + wo(ldn-t ha"e ma%e these %inds o' di''ic(lt decisions (ntil + was old eno(gh to %now better. She loo%s so peace'(l. ;ill + r(in that )(st by being me? Chris li'ts my chin to tear my gaGe away 'rom the photo. =+ can-t do this witho(t yo(.> &he so(nd o' !dam-s "oice in the apartment startles me. #e-s as%ing 'or me. + p(sh Chris-s hand away and st(''

the papers bac% into the en"elope )(st as !dam wal%s in. =;hat-s going on, Claire?> he as%s, b(t his eyes are on Chris. + shoot (p 'rom the bed with the en"elope cl(tched in my hands. =#e was )(st lea"ing me some doc(ments. #e-s lea"ing now.> + p(sh !dam bac% thro(gh the doorway, b(t his eyes are loc%ed on Chris. =+-m not lea"ing (ntil yo( gi"e me an answer,> Chris says, and + can hear his "oice behind me getting closer. !dam resists me as + p(sh him toward the li"ing room. =Stop p(shing me. + can control mysel'. +-m not a '(c%ing child.> =Aes or no, Claire?> Chris as%s. + loo% o"er my sho(lder at him and sha%e my head. =+ don-t %now.> =;hat is he tal%ing abo(t?> !dam as%s. + want to tell him. +' +-"e learned anything o"er the past month it-s that %eeping secrets 'rom the one yo( lo"e is a recipe 'or disaster. .(t + don-t want him to )(dge me i' the answer is no. !nd + don-t want to scare him away i' the answer is yes. =+-ll tell yo( later,> + say, and he glares at me incred(lo(sly. =!re yo( '(c%ing %idding me? !'ter e"erything that )(st happened, yo(-re going to gi"e me that shit again?> =5on-t tal% to her li%e that,> Chris says, and + can hear the threat in his tone. =Stay o(t o' it, Chris,> + warn him. =Ao( let him tal% to yo( li%e that?> =+ said stay o(t o' itE> !dam p(shes my hands o'' his chest. =Meep yo(r secrets. +-m o(t o' here,> he says be'ore he storms o(t o' the apartment. Senia, who-s been standing F(ietly in the %itchen this

whole time, creeps toward the 'ront door. =+ ha"e to get something 'rom my car,> she whispers. =Ao( deser"e better than that, Claire,> Chris says as he mo"es toward me. =Ao( deser"e someone who %nows yo( and respects yo(.> =!dam respects me. Ao( don-t %now him.> =5o you %now him? #ow long ha"e yo( two been together?> =+t-s none o' yo(r b(siness,> + say as he stops a co(ple o' 'eet away 'rom me. =+t is my b(siness i' yo(-re planning to stay with him. + don-t want someone li%e that aro(nd o(r da(ghter i' they grant (s "isitation.> =#e-s not a monster. #e has a right to F(estion why yo(-re here in my apartment a'ter what happened last wee%.> #e ta%es another step 'orward and + ta%e a step bac%, b(mping the bac%s o' my legs against a boB. =+ don-t want to tal% abo(t him,> he says, ta%ing another step 'orward so o(r 'aces are inches apart. =+ came here 'or yo( and belie"e me when + say that + won-t stop (ntil + get yo( bac%.> #is 'ingers graGe the side o' my 'ace and + hold my gro(nd, (nwilling to cr(mble 'or him. =&hin% abo(t this. &hin% abo(t what it will be li%e to hold her in yo(r arms.> #e %isses my 'orehead and lea"es me with a hand'(l o' legal doc(ments and a heart '(ll o' F(estions. + don-t %now i' this is the best or the worst news Chris co(ld ha"e deli"ered to me, b(t a h(ge part o' me has ne"er 'elt more grate'(l 'or him. Chris has always %nown eBactly what + need and he-s always been willing to do whate"er it ta%es to gi"e it to me. + ta%e a deep breath and grab my %eys o'' the brea%'ast bar. + loc% the 'ront door and head 'or the beach. + 'ind !dam sitting near the edge o' the water and he doesn-t loo% at me as + sit neBt to him. + dig my hands into the warm sand and scoop (p a hand'(l. + let it 'all slowly and watch as most o' it is carried away on the breeGe. + g(ess

that-s the way secrets are. &hey-re only hea"y when yo(-re holding them. !s soon as yo( let go, the signi'icance o' %eeping those secrets hidden blows away and e"erything 'alls into place. =7y da(ghter-s name is !bigail,> + say, and he 'inally loo%s at me. =&hat-s what he came to tell me. #e thin%s he can get his lawyer to arrange an open adoption.> =+s that what yo( want?> + shr(g as + wrap my arms aro(nd my %nees. =+ don-t %now i' + co(ld handle seeing her and lea"ing her. +-"e already done that be'ore and it nearly destroyed me.> =.(t yo( wo(ldn-t be lea"ing her 'ore"er this time.> ;e sit in silence 'or a long time (ntil the s(n begins to to(ch the horiGon and !dam grabs my hand. =Come on. Let-s see i' the water has the answer.> #e %isses my hand be'ore he stands and p(lls me (p. =+ lo"e yo(, Claire. +-ll s(pport yo( whate"er yo( choose to do. Ao( %now that, right?> + smile as + breathe in this moment. =+ do.> #e p(lls me toward the water and we tr(dge thro(gh the %nee*high wa"es, in o(r clothes, (ntil we-re waist deep. ! small wa"e crashes into me and + get a mo(th'(l o' ocean. #e la(ghs as + spit o(t the salty water. &hen he %isses me. &he salt in my mo(th miBes with the sweetness o' his tong(e and + can 'eel his smile c(r"ing against my mo(th. #e p(lls away as he loo%s into my eyes and doesn-t say a word. #e doesn-t ha"e to. !s soon as the s(n begins to set, it seems to 'all too F(ic%ly 'rom the s%y, li%e a heart in lo"e. &he relentless p(ll o' lo"e is a tho(sand times harder to 'ight than the tides. +' yo(-re l(c%y, yo(-ll ma%e it o(t be'ore yo( drown. +' yo(-re e"en l(c%ier, yo(-re p(lled (nder )(st long eno(gh to wash away the sorrow. +' yo(-re really l(c%y, li%e me, yo( res(r'ace )(st in time to 'ind the one yo( lo"e 'loating right beside yo(.

THE EN -

1. &he ! &eam by Ed Sheeran 2. First Lo"e by !dele . +t ;ill 6ain by .r(no 7ars 3. + /eed Ao(r Lo"e by Ellie :o(lding 'eat. Cal"in #arris 4. $mega by Ste"e !o%i 'eat. 5an Sena and 7issy <almer 9. ;aiting in Nain by .ob 7arley 1. +n Ao(r Eyes PStripped NersionQ by Sara .areilles 2. #eal $"er by M& &(nstall 0. Com'ortable PLi"e NersionQ by @ohn 7ayer 10. $nly EBception by <aramore 11. Last o' 5ays by ! Fine FrenGy 12. St(bborn Lo"e by &he L(mineers 1 . +' +t Mills 7e PCasa /o"a SessionsQ by @ason 7raG 13. .rea%e"en by &he Script 14. ;ait by 72 Listen to the playlist on Ao(&(be.

=6elentless> *e kissed under the trees /nd talked about missin# thin#s I wish I couldB!e held you in Held in the heat of your breath Held onto you and I at our best Memories chain me here Holdin# my heart prisoner /lone in this hotel room now Cant stop dreamin# of your kiss )omorrow Ill re#ret this 5our lo!e is relentless Holdin# me still :elentlessly dreamin# 1reakin# my will I wish youd come with me =ea!e it behind ;ust pack up your thin#s and %ay youll be mine 5ou said you would miss us 6idnt know you could bluff /re you mo!in# on already%leepin# in someone elses bed Fuckin# with someone elses head Im sinkin#" sinkin# 5ou!e #ot my lo!e and my time I!e #ot nothin#" nothin# :elentless lo!e and heartache are mine 5ou!e #ot me" #ot me 1ut I cant make this call &ust to find

5ou dont want me

=Sleepyhead> Feels so wron# to want this 5ou look so broken there / flicker in the mist /s tired as the air 5our head upon the pillow Its time to bury bones 'utside a whisperin# willow )he limbs fall like stones %o fri#htened of the dark 5oure my sleepyhead Hidin# with the stars ut your dreams to bed My sleepyhead. 5oure my sleepyhead. *ith eyes full of shadow /nd a mouth full of #lass Gasps come so hollow 5our lips taste like ash 6ont waste your hours 5our time dont come cheap 6ont fall apart" baby ;ust fall asleep /nd I dont know why I cant kill this doubt 1ut I promise Ill put your pain to rest If it means I ne!er sleep a#ain.

Ac,nowled'ements
+-"e been writing boo%s 'or longer than + care to admit, b(t +-"e ne"er had more people to than% than now. &his boo% was my brainchild, b(t it was birthed thro(gh the labor o' many sel'less so(ls. Special than%s go to my old and new beta readers: Mristin Shaw, @ordana 6odrig(eG, 7ichael Finn, Sarah 6abe, Carissa !ndrews, Mim .oB <erson, and Sheri Kilins%as. EBtra special than%s go to Sarah 6abe who 'act*chec%ed me on some important details abo(t the 'oster care system. Ao(r willingness to share yo(r personal eBperience added so m(ch depth to Claire-s character and + am )(st so pro(d o' the woman and 'riend yo( ha"e become. 7ichael and Sheri: ;hat can + say other than yo( two are what the craGy person who in"ented beta readers intended. &here are no words to adeF(ately describe how grate'(l + am 'or yo(r 'eedbac%. So m(ch gratit(de and awe go to the magni'icent Sarah #ansen at $%ay Creations. Ao(r pro'essionalism made this eBperience painless. Ao(r talent made this co"er relentlessly breathta%ing. !n enormo(s than% yo( goes o(t to all the boo% bloggers and re"iewers who o''ered their time and eBpertise to assist with this boo% release, especially Maren !nderson at .oo% Cr(sh .oo% 6e"iews. Ao( are all so 'riggin- amaGing. Ao(r s(pport o' indie a(thors, not )(st me, is awe*inspiring. + hope + wasn-t too di''ic(lt to wor% with. &here are no words to eBpress my gratit(de to the many 'riends and 'amily members who o''ered their s(pport in so many ways d(ring the writing o' this boo%. Ao( are all saints 'or p(tting (p with my disappearing acts, the lac% o' home*

coo%ed 'ood, ha"ing to repeat yo(r sentences two and three times, and my endless pleas 'or 'eedbac%. !nd a h(ge than% yo( to all the readers who contacted me d(ring the months + was writing :elentless. Ao(r enth(siasm and %indness moti"ated me to get thro(gh one o' the most hectic deadlines o' my career. Ao(r s(pport has made my childhood dream o' being a pro'essional a(thor a realityE + lo"e yo( all so m(ch and hope yo( all contin(e to get in to(ch with me o'ten.

Other boo,s b! Cassia Leo <ieces o' Ao( 1New Ad#lt Romance2 /oo, Two in the Shattered Hearts Series LDME Series 1Erotic Romance2 C#!SE Series 1Erotic Romance2 RATE *T) +' yo( en)oyed this boo%, please consider lea"ing a re"iew on Ama3on-com or :oodreads. SHARE *T) &ell yo(r 'riends and 'amily how m(ch yo( li%ed this boo% or, better yet, share it with them. &his boo% is 567*'ree and lendable thro(gh !maGon.com. 4O*N 5S) Follow Cassia on Faceboo% and &witter. Sign (p 'or email (pdates on Cassia-s blog or at the $rly <ress website to stay (p to date on new releases, gi"eaways, and more.

A/O5T THE A5THOR

7%/ )oday bestselling a(thor Cassia Leo lo"es her co''ee, chocolate, and margaritas with salt. ;hen she-s not writing, she spends way too m(ch time watching old rer(ns o' Friends and %e3 and the City. ;hen she-s not watching rer(ns, she-s (s(ally en)oying the Cali'ornia s(nshine or readingJsometimes both.