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Science of the Spirit

Toxic Couple Relationships


Dr. Athena Staik PsychCentral Sun, 27 Nov 2011 20:27 CST

PART 1 - Five Protective Neural Patterns & Role Scripts


Love that turns toxic is neither healthy nor genuine, though the intentions of each partner are often well-meaning. A couple relationship can be described as toxic when, due to intense emotional reactivity and defensive interaction patterns, it no longer promotes, and instead harms the individual mental, emotional, and physical, well-being and growth of each partner. The relationship is increasingly off balance, a factor that is affected by, and directly affects the individual inner sense of balance, health and safety of each partner. In contrast, genuine love is an empathic connection that recognizes the authentic other and self as separate and unique beings, even encouraging the individuality of each as essential to the formation of healthy intimacy in a relationship.
jennifermaingallery.com Neurological findings in the last decades show that we are wired for "Becoming" by Jennifer Main certain early protective behaviors in life, and that these become habitual responses automatically activated throughout life, often without conscious awareness. Intense emotional experiences in childhood can alter the structure of the brain and have enduring effects in adulthood.

The part of the brain that is in control of habits, known as the subconscious mind, does not let go of old neural patterns easily, particularly ones woven into the fabric of the brain during childhood experiences associated with survival fears, i.e., rejection or abandonment. Their prevalence makes sense. Who among us has not experienced fears of rejection, inadequacy or abandonment, and the like, in childhood? Perhaps nowhere is the toxicity of these pre-conditioned response-sets more intensely evident, however, than the couple relationship. The misguided attempts of each partner are driven, subconsciously, by early emotional command neural patterns, or early survival-love maps, that automatically activate to protect each partner from the other, in pattern very similar to one each adapted in early childhood.

Toxic Neural Patterns - Scripted Roles


In a toxic relationship, relating is off balance. Both partners in a couple relationship collude with one another, inadvertently in subconscious processes, to get stuck in one or more toxic interaction patterns. Though the individual patterns of each couple are as unique as the individual partners themselves, nevertheless, most toxic collusion patterns between partners tend to fall into one or more of the following toxic role scripts: 1. Pursuer Versus Avoider Role Script - Expressed VS Internalized Anger In this script, one person openly seeks the other's cooperation to their demands, more often, specific actions their protective neural patterns insist 'must' occur for them to feel safe and loved in relation to the other. In

contrast, the other person, in accordance with the requirements of their own pre-conditioned circuitry, seemingly agrees to go along, and in some cases, does so to the extent that they compromise their own value system to please the other. In due time, however, when the latter notices their efforts are taken for granted rather than appreciated, they increasingly resist their partner's demands, however, they mostly resort to using methods of expressing their internalized anger in mostly hidden, indirect ways. For example, Partner A regards certain activities as all-important and increasingly 'urgent,' such as discussing an issue or doing some activity together, i.e., having more frequent sex or spending more time together, and zealously seeks to engage Partner B's participation. Meanwhile, Partner B, who seemed willing to go along with Partner A's plan at the start of their relationship, increasingly, performs a juggling act in which they, on the one hand, start to vehemently resist complying with Partner A's demands while also, on the other hand with equal or greater intensity - to avoid upsetting or angering Partner A in any way. Whereas Partner A has no problem expressing their anger, regards it as one of their strengths, or admits to having problems with anger, Partner B typically internalizes anger, and seeks to hide or deny feeling this emotion, from themselves as well from others; when they occasionally explode with anger, they consider it rare or more evidence of 'frustration' rather than anger. 2. Blamer Versus Blamee Role Script - Expressed VS Internalized Disappointment In this patterned interaction, one person openly blames the other for their own unhappiness, angry outbursts or other ways they act out, and frequently complains of the other's seeming lack of respect or appreciation, and so on. The other person inwardly blames themselves, and lives in dread of disappointing their partner. The latter wallows in feelings of guilt and disappointment, on the one hand, at themselves for failing to make their partner feel secure enough to stop them from getting upset, and on the other hand, increasingly, they feel disappointed with their partner's unwillingness to accept them for who they are or to recognize the intense efforts they make to meet their demands. For example, Partner A deals with stress by compulsively reminding Partner A what they need to do to stop upsetting or angering them, noting what upsets them, listing the ways their demands or expectations have not been met. In general, Partner A blames a lot of their problems, unhappiness or angry outbursts on Partner B, and may dramatically display their disappointment whenever specified demands or expectations are not met. In the meantime, Partner B accepts blame, holds themselves responsible for causing upsets, and deals with any stress by apologizing, appeasing, and promising to do whatever it takes to change what bothers Partner A in the future. For the most part, no one dares to hold Partner A responsible for how they treat others, and to learn to regulate their own emotions, and, as a result, Partner A has little or no understanding of their role in exacerbating emotional turmoil with themselves, their partner and the couple relationship. Meanwhile, everyone expects Partner B to take care of things to keep the peace, and Partner B holds themselves completely responsible for the emotional ups and downs of their partner, and others in the family, i.e., children; in fact, Partner B may even feel proud of their ability to put-out-fires, to act as a mediator of sorts in smoothing out issues, even ones between Partner A and other family members. 3. Doing Versus Feeling Role Script - Expressed VS Internalized Depreciation In this scenario, one person is connected to what they want or don't want, and what to do to get fast results, is the doer and problem solver, who likes to get things done, to make decisions, and, comparing themselves to their partner, often complains about the other's relative indifference, inability or lack of initiative in getting things done. The other partner seeks to fix or control the feeling states of the former, more specifically, to stop them from ever getting upset or angry. For example, Partner A wants Partner B to take action, to complete 'to do' lists and produce specific results, thus, continuously evaluates Partner B's performance against certain standards, and, mistrusting Partner B's ability to make even minor decisions, is often certain Partner B will let them down. Meanwhile, Partner B has

been anxiously hoping that, by working hard to make Partner A happy, at some point, Partner A will stop withholding caring feelings of acceptance, love or admiration, etc., express their appreciation. As Partner A's ability to express these emotions is often limited, increasingly Partner B doubts their ability to fix Partner A's feelings toward them, begins to lose hope about fixing the relationship, and increasingly does not see a reason to work so hard, considering Partner A does not appreciate their efforts. Similarly, Partner A increasingly feels frustrated by Partner B's resistance to 'listen' to them, and Partner A interprets not listening as expressions of lack of respect or appreciation. Partner A may also feel inadequate in their ability to control or persuade Partner B to give them what they need. Partner B feels emotionally flooded or shut down at the first sign of a negative evaluation, disapproval or anger, feeling increasingly worried about the future of their relationship, family, etc., if they fail to meet with Partner A's expectations. Partner A is also increasingly frustrated that Partner B will not state their wants or take initiative in making plans to get things done; in contrast, Partner B professes not to have wants, and views this as a way they seek to feel "valued" in the relationship, by focusing on their partner's wants rather than their own. 4. Responsible Versus Negligent Role Script - Expressed VS Internalized Disregard In this script, one person in the relationship takes on the role of the other person's judge and jury, and makes open accusations, demands, tells the other what to do, how to dress, what to think, etc. Feeling dependent on their partner's approval, Partner B, at least outwardly, seeks to please, to appease or to prevent conflict and to dismiss anything that would indicate things are not going well in their relationship or family. For example, Partner A intensely feels they are the 'responsible' one, duty bound to act in accordance with high standards to fulfill duties in the area of family, children or work, etc., and may regard Partner B as less capable, perhaps with varying degrees of disregard, i.e., feeling annoyed or mistrusting them to handle certain situations, such as handling finances or children. Partner A feels it's their responsibility to hold Partner B's feet to the fire, and does so with regular doses of scolding, accusations, and evidence of failed performance, etc. What Partner B fears most is disappointing or failing to meet Partner A's expectations, yet the more they attempt to meet with their partner's expectations, the more inadequate they feel. At some point, Partner B may resist to the point of being unwilling to take any action, rather than risk failure. Whereas Partner A outwardly disregards the value of Partner A, Partner B increasingly expresses their resentment or disregard of their partner's feelings, with resistance. On the one hand, Partner B wants nothing more than to win over Partner A's admiration; on the other hand, Partner B increasingly looks down at Partner A for the way they so casually dismiss or mistreat Partner A as well as others, i.e., the children. 5. Moral Versus Immoral Role Script - Expressed VS Internalized Contempt In a script similar to #4 above, one person takes on the role of acting superior to the other - in this case, morally superior - and the other as morally unprincipled. The former sees themselves as righteous, and in position to judge the other with displays of righteous indignation, contempt or intimidation, accordingly believed to be necessary to improve or benefit of the other. In contrast, the other outwardly accepts that they are morally inferior in comparison, and, resisting most attempts to conform to the moral standards of the other, apart from occasional attempts to appease them, they inwardly relish resisting what they view as unnecessarily confining moral codes. For example, Partner A adheres to high moral standards, traditional values or ethical codes at home or church, etc., and is obsessed with getting Partner B to comply with these rules of conduct, i.e., going to church, dressing more appropriately, etc. Partner A feels it's their responsibility to convert Partner B, to save them from themselves. Meanwhile Partner B seems open to receive Partner A's "admonishments" as their lot, and at the same time, makes little or no attempt to change, although they may go along outwardly, i.e., attending church at the request of Partner A.

Partner A outwardly expresses their feelings of contempt (moral superiority) toward Partner B for "not being the person" they once believed, while Partner B, feigning humility, inwardly feels superior by relishing their ability to block Partner A's attempts to change their inner morality, on the one hand, and outwardly to appease Partner A by paying penitence, on the other hand, by acting subservient, or outwardly professing they are morally deficient or undeserving, and so on. At some point, using hidden or secretive ways, Partner B may express their growing feelings of contempt for what they see as Partner A's harsh, self-righteous stance to control them, by acting out.

The self-defeating nature of toxic collusions?


Naturally, this whole set up never works! A toxic couple relationship is one that is off balance, an outcome that directly affects, and is affected by, the inner balance of each partner. The scripted roles of each partner in the above five toxic patterns are designed to diametrically oppose one another's efforts to form a secure sense of safety in the relationship. Not surprisingly, the core issue(s) that a couple faces at the start of their relationship tends to remain a consistent theme throughout the course of their relationship. Despite occasional dramatic shifts and swapping of scripts, perhaps in different areas or stages in the course of their life together, each partner gets "caught" in scripted interaction patterns, subconsciously convinced their future happiness - and self worth - depends on more rather than less reliance on their own protective strategies, despite ample evidence to the contrary. What keeps partners and their relationship off balance? Emotional command circuits that activate preconditioned protective neural patterns. In Part 2, how these toxic scripted patterns destabilize emotional safety, partners and their relationship; and Part 3, what partners can do to break free of them.

PART 2- Intensity, Destabilizing Tactics & Preconceived Perceptions


A toxic relationship is one that is out of balance, in many ways, a reflection of its impact on the inner world of each partner. It is kept off balance, paradoxically, by the attempts each partner makes - in triggering moments - to increase their own sense of safety in relation to the other. In Part 1, we explored five toxic interaction patterns in which partners inadvertently collude with one another, getting stuck in scripted roles that mutually trigger one another's protective-responses. In this post, we look at the neuroscience beneath these toxic protective-response strategies, as emotional command circuits in ready position to activate, and how these scripted patterns destabilize emotional safety, and set up partners to fail in their attempt to realize personal and relational fulfillment. Current advances in neuroscience allow us to identify patterns of activation and function of the brain and body's central nervous system in ways that were only theoretical for psychological thinkers of the 20th century.

The wrong kind of intensity - or why these scripted patterns fail?


Thanks to brain imaging technology, we now have a better understanding of protective-response patterns that activate in relational contexts, as preconditioned emotional command circuitry in the brain, whenever emotional safety feels threatened. As emotional safety is associated with feelings and physiological sensations of love, safety and connection in relational contexts, and insecurity with fear, anger and disconnect, the body can be said to shift between two

overall modes of operation that motivate partner's responses, either: love or fear. When we experience emotional safety in a given situation, a different neurological subsystem of the brain and body is in operation than when we experience a threat to our sense of emotional safety at any time. In the former, the brain is in learning mode, an overall relaxed state that allows new social learning to take place. In the later, the brain and body shift to protective mode, an anxious state of mind and body that can activate our protective-response strategies, while also strengthening them for future use, or perhaps even expanding them, in creative ways. When partners interact defensively, with protective-responses, such as angry outbursts, blaming, lies, withdrawal, etc., subconsciously, they inhibit or short-circuit the love and safety system of their brain, according to neuroscientist Dr. Stephen Porges. Their actions energize the wrong kind of intensity in their mind and body - a prolonged shift of the balance of energy in the body to fear - that releases toxic levels of stress hormones. In The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication and SelfRegulation, Dr. Porges labels this particular subsystem of the autonomic nervous system, the social engagement system, referring to parts of our brain that are active when we are open to empathically connect, to respond to others, etc., and his Polyvagal Theory provides new insights into the ways the autonomic nervous system plays a central role in, as a subconscious mediator in contexts of social engagement, safety and trust, and emotional intimacy.

The threat to a partner's sense of emotional safety?


We easily understand why we human beings "fight or flee" from a dangerous situation; our hardwired instincts to ensure physical survival are obvious to us. Not so with our emotional drives to survive, which are equally intense, if not more so. Our greatest fears - rejection, inadequacy, abandonment, and the like - are unquestionably relational in nature. They are also the evidence, even without the neuroscience findings, that human beings are hardwired with yearnings to love, to matter, and to meaningfully connect in life. Paradoxically, however, it appears we fear both intimacy-closeness and distance-separation, and this seems to correspond with two seemingly opposing hardwired emotional drives. On the one hand, a key attribute of our brain is that it is "a relationship organ," as Dr. Daniel Siegel points out in Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation. We are hardwired with circuitry that propels us, with motivational urges, to care, to empathically connect to others and life in and around us, and so on. When healthy options of fulfilling this emotional drive are impeded or yet unknown to us, we find a quick-fix, temporary options/solutions that are often life-harming substitutes, i.e., drugs, food, sex or love addictions, to name a few. The subconscious mind of the body, the body-mind if you will, seems compelled to do so. It's not a question of whether our mind-body will find a way of releasing feel-good hormones into the bloodstream, it's a matter of how. For the body-mind, emotional survival seems connected to physical survival. Correspondingly, we are also hardwired with motivational impulses for self-expression that, when healthy options of fulfilling them are blocked, will find risky ones. Whereas this emotional drive propels us to seek to matter, as unique individuals, in some way, to creatively express our self, to contribute value in life or our relationships, an out-of-control ego can wreak havoc.

Together, these emotional drives say a lot about who we are, our essential nature is to seek to do more than merely survive - to thrive - to authentically express our self, courageously facing fears to love self and other with our whole heart, to meaningfully connect, to contribute, to self-actualize. It is healthy to believe in our nature, as human beings, and to have questions about how we may structure our institutions to bring out the best of our nature. Nothing is more dangerous than scared, cornered creatures.

In toxic interactions, what poses a threat to partners' emotional safety?


Likely, perceived threats either to their emotional drive for a love-connection with the other - and, or to their emotional drive to matter and to feel valued for who they are as individuals (or both). A threat to emotional safety can be any words, ideas or actions that, based on partners' early survival-love maps, are interpreted, or perceived as threats, in some way. The protective actions partners take in response, thus, seek to either confront the other (fight), in order to change and thus to eliminate the perceived 'threat' - or to avoid or to run away (flee) in order to escape facing them. When partners interact defensively, subconsciously, they also inhibit or short-circuit the love and safety system - their own and perhaps their partner's as well. Beneath the words they speak and actions they take, each partner is telling the other that they do not feel safe enough, in the moment, to shift back to their brain's love and safety system. They are also crying for help, however. They are telling the other that, in addition to not feeling safe enough to connect, even worse, they do not know how to restore their sense of safety apart from activating their protective strategies. In relational contexts, when partners use their protective or defensive strategies, such as angry outbursts, blame, lies, withdrawal, etc., subconsciously, they are sending one or both of these messages to one another. Naturally, this whole set up never works. They are each at a loss. At some level, they both realize that their protective strategies are not working, and that they are increasing the emotional distance between them instead. Not coincidentally, the emotional strivings of each partner are diametrically opposed. Neither partner understands how to get out of the power struggle, apart from doing what they already know, deep down inside, is not working. Each still feels compelled, however, to reenact the toxic protective-response patterns, in certain triggering situations - as if their very life, their survival depends on it. As a result, they operate at cross purposes. These scripted patterns fail as they only intensify or exacerbate one another's fear and protective responses. Neither partner feels safe, and instead feels compelled to over rely on protective strategies that not only do not work, they also strengthen the hold of toxic emotional command circuits. As a result, the intensity of emotions of anger and fear tends to escalate. The script each follows misleads both into getting stuck, and repeatedly produces the same outcomes,

and will do so perhaps throughout the course of their relationship - unless they are willing to see the bogus maps they hold, and replace the toxic relating patterns with life enriching ones. Each partner gets "caught" in increasingly entrenched addictive thinking and scripted interactions patterns, in which, subconsciously, each is convinced their happiness - self-worth - is somehow dependent on their success in "fixing" the other before they can ever feel valued and fulfilled in relation to the other. The biggest problem they face, however, is not the strategies themselves. The biggest problem is that they may be, more or less, addicted to the quick fixes of relief that their protective strategies provide. Protective neural patterns lower anxiety and restore a partner's sense of safety and love in relation to self and the other, more specifically, with the release of chemicals such as oxytocin and dopamine. As such, they are addictive to some degree, as they release quick fixes of feel-good hormones.

The wrong tactics - what keeps partners off balance?


The particular way each partner attempts to restore balance to their own sense of emotional safety and love, more often, directly triggers the defenses of the other - and in turn, their own. Increasingly, each partner feels less safe to respond to the other out of love, and instead, relies on their protective strategies, to take actions rooted in fear or anger, or both. It has to do with how partners express, or deal with, what are perhaps the most challenging emotions for every human being - anger and fear. There are two choices. They can either be expressed authentically with the use of assertive, life- and relationship-enriching actions, or defensively, in ways that harm the connection between self and other, with the use of an array of fear-, shame- or guilt-inducing tactics. When anger and fear are expressed defensively, rather than authentically, in attempt to solve relational issues, overtime, this strengthens reactive neural patterns in the brain, forming emotional command circuits that, in certain situations, automatically activate preconditioned protective-response strategies. Once set, the scripted roles of each partner in the five toxic patterns are rigidly set to oppose one another's attempts to feel connected and, or personally valued in the relationship. This automatic emotional reactivity is associated with preconditioned emotional command circuits, neural patterns imprinted in early survival-love map, which each partner brings to the relationship. In a healthy relationship, partners eventually grow out of the control or influence of these preconditioned 'maps.' Like a dynamic business organization, healthy partners are overall willing to assess what works and what does not, and to implement positive changes as a team. Each partner recognizes their responsibility in energizing teamwork, building an effective partnership, thus, is willing to learn how to more effectively regulate any upsetting emotions, routed in anger or fear, they are most challenged by. In contrast, partners in toxic relationships tend to take an opposite approach. They express anger and fear defensively, with protective behaviors each relies on to restore their emotional safety as needed. Partners have come to rely on these strategies to lower their anxiety, and 'survive' any upsetting emotions or triggering events.

They refuse to change, and instead, tend to apply their protective strategies more frequently and more intensely. Their interactions increasingly find their brains in protective mode, a state that also blocks them from learning from their experiences. Instead of learning from their experiences, they increasingly rely on defense-strategies to protect themselves, or devise new protective habits. Their giving becomes more and more scripted, as it stems out of emotions of fear, shame or guilt, rather than love, joy and compassion. When actions are rooted primarily in emotions of fear or anger, the activation of the sympathetic nervous system causes imbalances in the energies of the brain and body, thus, the mind and heart, and relationships with self and other. Healthy relating skills with self and other are essential ingredients to every aspect of a partner's personal growth and development. When a relationship is out of balance, it directly affects the inner balance of each partner; simultaneously, the state of emotional balance of each partner directly affects the relationship. The emotional command circuits of each partner automatically activate their protective response-strategies, and carry out preconditioned agendas. As they operate subconsciously, they seem to have a mind of their own. The particular way each partner attempts to restore their own sense of safety and love, it seems, triggers the other.

Preconceived perceptions of self and other as extensions?


Events that trigger partners are ones that make them feel emotionally vulnerable, thus anxious, inside. Each partner's preconceived perceptions of self and the other are in command. Partners see the other as an extension of themselves, either what the other can, or must do for them - or what they can, or must do for the other. Though unique to each partner, they both share some common ground. Both hold beliefs that question their own or partner's worth and capabilities. For example: Both may experience themselves as inadequate or incapable of getting the fulfillment they need. Both may see their partner as either unwilling or incapable of giving them the fulfillment they seek. Both may feel the other is controlling them in some way. Both may view themselves as always 'giving in' to let other have their way. Both may view themselves as either mistreated or unappreciated by their partner, with little or no hope that the other can or will change. Their responses are rooted in varying degrees of fear and anger. As a result, their actions are out of a sense of desperation or neediness, doubting their ability to ever feel valued or meaningfully connect in relation to the other. Early subconscious wounds drive these processes, more than likely, with positive intentions for healing to occur. Subconscious beliefs are in command of these preconditioned protective neural patterns, which activate the emotional reactivity. Subconsciously, each perceives the other - in some way - as 'the obstacle' to their happiness or the fulfillment of their yearning to bring value and matter in relation to the other. Increasingly, each partner subconsciously holds an 'enemy image' of the other, that associates the other

with feelings of pain, fear, powerlessness, and so on. More and more, the enemy images activate defensive reactivity in the form of toxic thinking patterns, such as blame, fault-finding and other harsh self- or other-judging thoughts. The tactics partners use to increase their sense of safety, albeit counterproductive, make sense. The tactics are held in place by a system of limiting beliefs regarding self and other. They offer quick-fix relief. The use of fear-, shame- and guilt-inducing tactics, however, keep one another's sense of safety in question. Increasingly: Each partner gets "caught" in addictive relating patterns, driven by toxic thinking and scripted roles. Each is subconsciously convinced their happiness - and self-worth - is somehow dependent on their success in "fixing" the other, in some way, as a condition of feeling valued or worthwhile in relation to the other. Naturally, this is a set up for failure; human beings resist change, particularly, when it is initiated by another. When a loved one attempts to change us, it can feel as if we are not loved for the person we are, particularly, when the tactics they use escalate fear and shame. More often than not, the core issue(s) that a couple faced at the first sign of a power struggle, tends to remain a consistent pattern throughout the course of the relationship. These neural patterns activate and release feel-good hormones that reinforce responses in which each: Views the other as incapable in some way. Sees self as the other's savior in some way. Resents the other for what they perceive as their attempts to change or control them in some way. Perceives the other, either outwardly or inwardly, or both, with increased annoyance or contempt for some reason. Hinges sense of value in the relationship on selective evidence that leads them to conclude the other needs them in some way. Unless both partners resolve to break free of these patterns, the core problematic issues often remain the same, though there may be shifts, occasionally quite dramatic ones, in which partners even "switch" the scripted roles they play.

The problem is the destabilizing tactics, and not the partners


Toxic interaction patterns seemingly take control of situations to negatively affect the possibilities for fun and intimacy in a relationship. Once set, the scripted roles of each partner in the five toxic patterns rigidly oppose one another's attempts to feel personally valued in the relationship. What triggers each partner, paradoxically, is the particular way the other attempts to restore their own sense of safety and love. This power struggle, essentially - is an emotional struggle of each to feel valued - in relation to the other. Both use strategies to control or lower their own stress in relation to the other, however, that are based on false assumptions about themselves and the other with regard to who they are and what they are capable of achieving. The misguided attempts of each are driven by a set of fear- or anger-inducing limiting beliefs and toxic thinking, or early survival-love maps, that mislead each into activating defensive ways of restoring their

sense of safety in relation to the other - as if their survival depends on it. It seems, the more one partner pursues the other, in ways they believe deep inside will fulfill their need to meaningfully connect or to matter in the relationship, the more the other withdraws. Meanwhile, the more the withdrawing partner pulls away, the more the other pursues. It's a dynamic, commonly referred to as a pursue-withdraw pattern, by therapists and researchers alike since first observed in studies of power in couple relations in the latter half of the 20th century. In toxic relationships, the emotional command circuits of each partner are, in truth, misplaced bids for connection with the other, despite that they can never produce healthful outcomes for either partner or their relationship. They stem from a neediness associated with deep-seated wounds and survival fears from early childhood. Essentially, partners' actions are ineffective or futile as they produce more of the emotional energies they stem from, primarily, toxic levels of fear or anxiety, shame or guilt. Neither recognizes that the real problem is the approach they are using - the tactics that cause toxic levels of fear - to solve the problem of not feeling valued in relation to the other. When a relationship becomes toxic it is often because each person came to the relationship not knowing how to manage their emotions, in particular, how to regulate the two most difficult emotions, anger and fear, in ways that allow them to remain empathically connected to one another in situations that trigger one or both.

PART 3 - The First Step to Restoring Balance: Emotional Safety


Toxic interaction patterns seemingly take control of partners' lives to negatively affect the possibilities for fun and intimacy in their couple relationship. When a relationship becomes toxic it reflects the habitual ways partners manage their emotions, in particular, the emotions that human beings find most challenging, such as anger and fear. In Part 1, we explored five toxic interaction patterns in which partners collude in scripted roles with one another, and get stuck activating one another's protective-response patterns. In Part 2, we looked at the neuroscience beneath these emotional command circuits, in ready position to activate, and how they destabilize each partner's inner sense of emotional safety in the relationship, setting them up to be at their worst, when they most need to be at their best to effectively handle challenging situations. In this post we explore key factors that affect the balance of relationships, and the first step partners can take to break free of the toxic patterns and restore balance in their relationship and, or personal life.

What would it take to restore balance?


It may sound counterintuitive, but restoring balance in a couple relationship is first and foremost about each partner establishing their own inner sense of emotional safety in relation to the other. The human body works best when everything is in a relative state of balance, physically, mentally and emotionally. For hundreds of years, modern science held a dualistic view of the mind and body as separate entities, based on the rationalism ideas of Rene Descartes. Recent advances in neuroscience disprove this long held assumption. All body and mind and heart processes are, unquestionably, one vast communication system. What is more, the autonomic nervous system appears to play a key role in relaying messages between parts of this network involved in the formation of relationships, according to neuroscientist Dr. Stephen Porges, who

labels this, the social engagement system. At any given moment, each partner's sense of safety directly affects, and is affected by, their autonomic nervous system. These processes are automatic and subconscious, handled by the part of the mind, the subconscious, that operates all the systems of the body. It continually accrues data, and based on this, and new incoming data, relays messages back to partners, at any given time, to let them know where they are in relation to where they aspire to be as individuals and, or as a couple. Powerful hormones, or neurotransmitters, act as chemical messengers that virtually control all functions of life, continually regulating the balance of physical, mental and emotional processes throughout the body. Some of these messengers produce feel-good and feel-bad feelings that are key in shaping behaviors, thus, partners' responses to one another. Oxytocin, endorphins, serotonin and dopamine, in particular, are the body's natural feel-good chemicals. Oxytocin is an essential hormone that acts to increase each partner's sense of safety and love in relation to the other. Endorphins are a reward mechanism inside the brain, released through exercise and other strenuous activities, to lower pain by producing good feelings. Serotonin is a feel-good brain chemical that acts as a natural anti-depressant and helps temper impulsive feelings. Dopamine is a key reward chemical, one that is released in anticipation of or association with the completion of a goal. These feel-good hormones may explain why certain behaviors are compulsively repeated, even toxic ones that merely escalate reactivity. They help lower the intensity of painful emotions - and thus can be addictive in nature, as they offer temporary, quick fixes that release some level of the feel-good chemicals. Meanwhile, feel-bad hormones associated with stress, such as cortisol and adrenaline, may explain why partners feel so shaky and panicky in certain situations that trigger their core fears, i.e., inadequacy, rejection or abandonment, etc., in relation to the other. All systems of the body are continually interacting to maintain homeostasis, a relative state of balance for the physical body. Stress hormones, such as cortisol, for example, activate the body's survival or stress response (sympathetic nervous system); other body chemicals, such as the safety and love hormone, oxytocin, restore emotional equilibrium (parasympathetic nervous system). It is no wonder that partners say and do certain things that are counterproductive or even downright destructive. At subconscious levels, it is to make themselves feel better.

Steps to End Toxic Relating Patterns


The bottom line is that, unless each partner feels safe enough to love, the love connection is broken by protective strategies. If only they knew how to calm their mind and body, to keep the frontal cortex of their brain engaged, and their heart courageous, to stop their body-mind from taking over, and executing desperate measures - thinking their survival is at stake. So what steps can partners take to restore their own inner sense of emotional safety in relation to the other? 1. Cultivate awareness of how their emotional states affect their reactions to one another. Partners tend to focus on the details of an event or what their partner did, etc., and to experience this as the main cause of their emotional pain. This results in their getting lost arguing repeatedly over the particulars of who did what, when and why, etc. Nothing, however, affects the quality of a relationship (and therefore, a discussion between partners) more

than the level of emotional safety each partner brings to a moment in which they interact. The receptor sites for feel-good and feel-bad hormones in the brain are in the same area that deal with emotion. What partners think, say and do, and how they relate emotionally to one another, and their own emotional states, has a direct impact on the internal balance of their individual autonomic nervous systems. Their level of safety activates dynamic processes inside that directly affect: their brain chemistry... their feelings and emotions... their thoughts and behavior... how they relate and respond one another ... the formation of emotional-intimacy in their relationship Emotions affect relationships, and, in similar ways, what is going on in the body of each partner. They are commands to the body that subconsciously organize partners' beliefs, thoughts and actions - and life! Accordingly, they form the neurochemicals that activate the firing and wiring of new or old neural patterns. Each partner's physical being is directly affected by their own - as well as their partner's emotional responses in a given moment. Regulating emotions, however, relies on the individual ability of each partner to experience the full range of their emotions, even upsetting ones, without getting unnecessarily triggered. Having access to the full range of emotions is vital resource that informs decisions. Connected to this resource, partners grow their comfort levels with difficult emotions, alongside their awareness of how these affect their behaviors and responses to one another. Like a compass, emotions and feelings are also messages each partner receives from their autonomic nervous systems. This data is essential. It tells partners whether they are on or off track in relation to where they want to be, their goals, or vision - and also whether their current approach is moving them closer or farther from their aspirations, perhaps even what to do about it. Most of these messages largely fall by the wayside, however, ignored, missed or misinterpreted. Partners remain largely unaware of how their own emotional states are causing them to act in reactive ways, which are counterproductive at best as they tend to trigger the other's survival response. In toxic couple relationships, partners feel uncomfortable with feel-bad emotions, and each has their own set of taboo emotions. For example, anger is a taboo emotion for one partner, while emotions of vulnerability, such as hurt, sadness, empathy, etc., are taboo for the other. Emotions are powerful agents that can, and do, facilitate or block changes partners want to make. Emotional states also shape behaviors, and cumulatively, the sense of safety each partner feels in relation to the other. Thus, how partners relate to their emotions, their partner's emotions, and emotions in general is key. Cultivating awareness of how emotions affect their responses to one another is a first step that allows partners to regulate their own inner sense of emotional safety in relation to the other. By cultivating greater self-awareness of their emotions, partners can position themselves to better respond to one another reflectively instead of reactively. In the final post, the remaining steps to breaking free of toxic relating patterns.

PART 4 - 5 Steps to Breaking-Free of Toxic Patterns, Healing & Restoring Balance

If you are in a relationship that is negatively impacting your emotional, mental, or physical health, hurting others you love, or compromising your inner values, you are likely in a toxic relationship - and addictive neural patterns are in control. If you have not already, take time to reflect on the dynamics, and to consider what you can and cannot do - that would allow you to break free of their control, and to take charge of your emotional response, so that your mind and body may restore balance, and let healing begin. In Part 1 of this series, we identified five toxic patterns partners get stuck in that activate one another's protective-response patterns. In Part 2, we looked at the neuroscience beneath the emotional command circuits that destabilize each partner's inner sense of emotional safety in relation to the other. We then touched on key factors that affect relational balance in Part 3, and considered the first step partners can take - cultivating awareness of one another's triggers - to break free of the toxic patterns and restore balance in your lives. In this final post in the series, we continue with 4 remaining steps of 5 that, when zealously applied, can help partners stop, change and move away from toxic scripted patterns that destabilize their sense of emotional safety, particularly in triggering situations that activate each partner's preconditioned protective neural patterns.

Steps to End Toxic Relating Patterns


So what can you and your partner do to restore your inner sense of emotional safety and love in relation to one another, especially in challenging moments? Here are 5 steps to get you started in putting together an action plan that can serve as a springboard for considering healthier options - and making conscious choices to stay free of toxic relating patterns. 1. Cultivate awareness of one another's triggers. Partners tend to focus on the details of their problems with one another. As a result, they get lost arguing repeatedly over the particulars of who did or didn't do what, to whom, when and where, how often, and so on. Nothing, however, affects the quality of a relationship more (and therefore, a discussion between partners) than the level of emotional safety each partner brings to the moment in which they interact. (To continue reading Step 1, see Part 3) 2. Accept that healing yourself is a prerequisite. To balance the equations of your relationship, you must first accept the following: You cannot fix your partner, or control what they feel or do, any more than they can fix or control you. The more you try, the more this activates one another's emotional defenses. As a result, neither of you are open to the influence of the other. You can, however, affect huge changes by being a calming presence from within. Not surprisingly, human relationships follow the laws of nature. Your responses to being treated as 'defective' or 'incapable' of doing your own thinking, etc., are in following with Newton's third Law of motion, which states for every action in nature there is an equal and opposite reaction. The truth is, it was never your job to take over another person's behaviors, or emotional life, as if they were some kind of a fix-it project. When you do so (even with your children), both the fixer and fixed suffer the consequences of getting into what is known as 'power struggles.' At best, it stunts emotional growth. At worst, it builds resentment. It sends a message that you do not value the other as a person, their ability to do their own thinking, their capacity to master and handle

upsetting emotions, and so on. No one likes being someone's fix-it project (although it may be flattering at first, it gets old sooner or later). Why? It goes against our hardwired yearnings, as human beings to seek to be accepted and valued for the unique person we are and the contributions we bring to life. These are core emotional drives. (Look closely, and you'll see these drives in children as well.) In a healthy relationship, partners are in best position to give the other useful feedback. In toxic patterns, most feedback falls by the wayside because of how it is delivered or received. Neither heart is open; and when the heart is closed, so is the mind. The body's autonomic nervous system ensures all influence is blocked, as a protective defense. Meanwhile, reminders, angry outbursts, the silent treatment, shame, guilt, intimidating putdowns, etc., do not work in the long run - except to make things worse. Safe to say, the intense focus you or your partner have on fixing one another other (rather than healing self) is one of the main problems. Any notions that you can, should or must control or fix the other are illusions, perpetuated by romanticized ideals. Your efforts to fix the other's behaviors or feelings about you, or change a particular situation, etc., are the cause of much discontent, resistance and suffering. It's also been a way to avoid a life task awaiting you: healing your self and your relationship with you - though . Like mathematics, relationships are a precise science. Unlike statistics, the field of mathematics is a discovery and not an invention. Scientists discovered the laws and formulas that exist, and have used them with precision, for example, to land a space capsule at any predetermined location in the universe (time permitting, of course). The latest findings in neuroscience reveal the human brain is always in subconscious communication with other brains, your loved ones in particular. Your brain can be a calming or disorienting influence. In either case, it is designed to work inside-out. To heal your relationship, or to be a healing influence on your partner, is an inside job of healing you. In other words, you cannot do the emotional work for your partner (or children); however, learning to calm your own mind and heart, in challenging situations, can work miracles for both. It is simply not possible to change or to heal others against their will, as it is not possible to 'control' what the other thinks and feels. You can however heal yourself, respond in healthy ways, learn to love and fully accept yourself, honor your needs and aspirations and life - and by doing so, you will increase the chances of healing your relationship - and also inspiring the other to heal themselves. You have the ability to bring a calming presence to a situation that allows personal healing to take place. Is it easy? No. Is it essential, and worthwhile? Yes, it's the difference between living merely to survive, and living to thrive as authentic beings. To break free of toxic relating patterns and restore balance, accept the following bottom lines that govern the making of healthy relationships: You cannot fix your partner's behaviors or emotional states. You cannot do the work that is theirs to do to learn to stretch in order to love courageously with their whole heart. Your focus on fixing or healing one another (instead of yourselves) is, and has been the main problem. Your attempts to fix the other with angry outbursts, pleading, intimidation, guilt or shame are, and have been, the cause of much suffering.

Accept that healing your relationship with you is prerequisite to healing your couple relationship. Give yourself complete permission to let go of any responsibility of having to fix the other's emotional states. The best, most powerful, and prerequisite option to healing your couple relationship, and to breaking free from toxic patterns, is to shift the bulk of your focus to healing your self from within - it's an inside job. 3. Be honest and seek support of safe persons you can trust. If you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally, physically or sexually abusive, forceful or treats you more like an object than a human being with feelings and thoughts of your own, or if this person cannot relate to you, or persons you most care about, without hurting them emotionally or taking advantage of them, seek the support of safe others, and if necessary, look into professional help. A safe person has the following characteristics, in that they: Do not judge, demean, belittle you, etc. Seek to understand you, respect your choices, and view change as a process. Listen without giving advice - unless you ask for it, and even then respect your choice to apply or not "apply" some or all of their advice. Believe in you, your ability to think and make effective choices. Want your highest good, growth, interest, and this is evident in their actions, how they treat you. Maintain confidentiality. Never use what you disclose against you. Honesty is a key step in breaking the power of secrecy that toxic interactions often feed on. You need to be willing to see and admit the truth that something hurtful is happening or happened to you (or that you've been doing something hurtful to your partner). It may cause angry feelings toward the person who acted wrongly and took hurtful actions. It may bring up anger toward yourself for allowing the other to take these wrongful actions (or for engaging in ways that hurt your partner). Building honesty is about learning to deal with any anger in healthy ways, firstly, to separate healthy anger from toxic anger. How? By separating 'the person' who acted wrongly from 'the actions' of the person. Healthy anger sees wrong actions as wrong, and takes action to change, stop or move away from them. Toxic anger, in contrast, wallows in the anger, and turns it into toxic emotions of hatred, rage or retaliation toward the person who acted wrongly. Toxic emotional states are also not helpful, and may make the other more resolute about not changing.Have they worked so far? Expressing Healthy-Anger Exercise: To separate healthy anger from toxic anger, write down what specifically angers you using the format below. I am angry that you ______ . EXAMPLES: "I'm angry that you call me names when you're upset." "I'm angry that you walk away from discussion instead of hearing me out." "I'm angry that you ignore me when your friends are around."

Note the use of action verbs in the examples above to describe what specific actions you are angry at. Let yourself 'get into' your feelings as you write what angers you, and keep listing items until you notice you are repeating yourself. (It can be pages and pages, that's fine!) Be careful to avoid any harsh words that judge, blame, tear down, etc., for example, "I'm angry that he/she is a jerk" will not work. This would intensify toxic emotions instead, and the purpose of this exercise is to better understand what's angered you, to gain clarity, and to build confidence in handling anger in healthy ways by articulating it to yourself (first). Note! This exercise is designed for you to get to know and better understand your angry feelings, and not as a communication to relay to your partner (unless he/she is a 'safe' person). Find a safe person to share these feelings. Also, if you feel overwhelmed at any time during the exercise, please stop immediately, and turn to something that calms you, i.e., going for a walk or listening to music. Seek professional assistance, if necessary, to explore feelings that overwhelm you at present. Life is challenging and growth is painful as it is. Suffering, however, is unnecessary. To stop and replace the toxic relationship patterns with life enriching ones, make a determined decision to stop hiding behind the veil of secrecy anymore. The suffering will only stop when you are no longer willing to participate in toxic interaction, to stop doing what is harmful within your control to stop, and to replace old patterns with life enriching ones. In some situations, it may be necessary to create physical and, or emotional distance from the other. If the toxicity is out of control, or your partner is not willing to work with you to abort the toxic cycles, seek professional assistance. 4. 'Get comfortable with uncomfortable' feelings. Many events that cause stress in a relationship, such as dealing with key issues or one another's requests, are healthy and essential. Unfortunately, many partners have bought into romanticized notions of ideal love, and enter their relationship with unrealistic expectations. Movies, TV and entertainment only add a strange mix of myths and misconceptions, making matters worse. Many expect to arrive at a place where, once and for all, there are no more painful emotions of fear or anger, they stop upsetting each other, they perfectly trust one another, and they meet one another's needs in perfect timing. That doesn't happen on earth, Venus or Mars, or any planet known to us. In truth, life and relationships are challenging, that's how they grow us. It's that way by design. To strengthen emotional intimacy requires each partner to stretch and to grow, and thus to become increasingly comfortable with emotions and physiological sensations they are uncomfortable feeling. Emotions of vulnerability are inherent in forming intimacy, and essential to grow the capacity to love courageously, in moments when partners face their greatest fears. Our greatest fears, i.e., inadequacy, rejection, abandonment, are intimate connection fears. Core fears are connected to hardwired human urges - emotional drives, such as the drive to matter, to be valued for who we are, to meaningful connect in relation to a loved one, and so on. These urges directly modulate partners' sense of safety, an emotional drive to build a trusting love-connection with the other. All of these emotional drives subconsciously control the activation of the autonomic nervous system. Partners need to learn how to 'get comfortable' with the vulnerable feelings associated with loving and being loved imperfectly, giving and receiving imperfectly, and remaining empathically connected to their compassion for self and other in moments when they are triggered. Facing fears imprinted in memory is the best way to heal them. For this reason, it's essential to cultivate skills that will help regulate emotions rooted in fear. When partners remain open to respond out of compassion, rather than fear, this stretches and strengthens their confidence and critical ability to feel feelings of vulnerability, without being triggered by them, that is, without tipping the scale in the balance between love and fear toward fear. Each increases

their courage and confidence in knowing how to increase the feelings of safety and love so that they are greater than the feelings of insecurity and fear are greater. Even in optimal conditions, realizing a happy and healthy relationship is akin to walking a tightrope. Gentle swaying to one side, and then the other, is part of the journey. If they try not to sway, they will lose balance and fall off the rope. What keeps the tightrope walker balanced is their sustained efforts and action, one step at a time, and a conscious intention to stay balanced. The autonomic nervous system operates our mind and body using the same laws. Its highest intention, for the purpose of our emotional and physical health and survival, is always to restore balance the energies of the mind and body, known as homeostasis, and to keep gently bringing things into balance when anxiety sways too much in one direction. Seek to consciously grow awareness and understanding of your self, body and mind. Identify any toxic thinking, limiting beliefs, addictive relating patterns and replace them with life enriching options. When you feel fearful or anxious, stop, breathe and become aware of what emotions you are feeling; connect to where in your body you experience them; then assess what action (helpful, caring, restorative) you can take to restore optimal calm. It may be to say or think something affirming, for example, or to stop or move away from something that is harmful. Experiencing strong emotions from time to time is just part of life. Avoid keeping your feelings bottled up inside - and also avoid doing the extreme opposite. Blasting another with your feelings, for example, may be 'expressing' them, but it's just as or more harmful than bottling them up! Other suggestions are to look for reading materials on developing emotional awareness, cultivate a positive attitude in life, and keep reaching for what brings health and balance to your life. It's in your hands to no longer allow angry outbursts, anxiety or depression to control the direction of your life, and if necessary, seek professional assistance to realize this goal. 5. Describe wrongful actions with action- or solution-words. Acting in ways that strip away hope or demean, humiliate, intimidate, or tear down another person, etc., is harmful, wrong, and inhumane. Those that rely on these tactics also need healing, however. They are using them to get quick-fix feel goods, and their actions are misguided. They keep them stuck in their root problems of low self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, and so on. These tactics are detrimental to both the user and usee. The power to love or to act in a thoughtful, kind way toward another is infinitely more powerful than the power to hate, to demean, to intimidate, etc. These may offer quick-fix cheap thrills, in the long run, they backfire. Persons who use them often live in fear of getting the short end of the stick, and are ever on guard to make sure no one gets the best of them, etc. This approach to life can be pure hell on earth. Ideally, your partner will want to work with you to stop, change and move away from problematic behaviors. That's what it will take, at minimum, to retrain your brain's neural patterns. You want to create 180 degree shifts in what currently holds your imagination, to include the beliefs, values, images, feelings, wants, actions, and so on, to a new healthy vision for your self and partner, as individuals and a couple. As part of this re-imaging of your interactions, you'll need to use words in conscious ways, being aware of the power they have to activate emotional states - whether helpful or harmful ones.

STOP-CHANGE-MOVE-AWAY ACTION-PLAN
Instructions: Put together a written action-plan that describes in detail what behaviors to stop, change or move away from, and what behaviors to replace them with and actively engage. In a conscious way, start to describe the problematic actions using action-verbs and solution-oriented words. They should include the following four areas:

Label the problem as a solution. Example: Hitting - Use hands to care or create, not hitting. Describe in specific terms what needs to stop. Create pictures of new vision and beliefs, values. Describe specific new actions to replace old. EXAMPLE 1: Problem of "Hitting" stated as solution: Use hands to care or create, not hitting . Stop all hitting, pushing or any other physically forceful behaviors. In our family (or relationship), hands and touch are for caring, healing and taking cooperative action to works as a team to improve the quality of life together - or to artistically, creatively express your self and your love. (We use hands to) Choose to use hands to consciously say (we) you care, to express love and tenderness, to say (we) you want to feel close or need assurance, to use talents and abilities to help one another, or to improve life. EXAMPLE 2: Problem of "Name-calling" or "Fault-finding" as solution: Use words to enrich, not find fault . Stop all words that demean, tear down, find-fault, judge persons harshly. In our family, words are for building mutual understanding, communicating clearly what we like and do not like, growing kindness in the world, inspiring others, making requests, having fun with (but not at) each other, energizing a bright future, and so on. (We use words that) Chose to use words that consciously increase mutual understanding, cooperation, kindness, clarity, caring, compassion, hope and inspiration, and the like. Remember, no one can get the best of you or make you feel less than a precious human being unless you believe this in your mind and heart. Refuse to do so. This means it is your hands to take action to stop, change or move way from the toxic actions of your partner - and to choose to see any abusive actions as having to do with problems the person who acts this way needs to own. If distancing yourself from wrongful actions is too challenging to do on your own, however, professional help may be necessary to stop ingrained patterns.

An ongoing choice to enrich life for self and other?


If addictive relating patterns are taking over your relationship, take heart, you can retrain your brain, so that one or (hopefully) both may act in conscious ways to choose what's in the highest interest of both. For the relationship to work, however, both partners must be open and willing to take ownership to and do their part to actively stop, change - and to move away from toxic behavior patterns. And that means to stop focusing on what the other needs to change, and instead cultivate an awareness of what triggers you and your partner, and accept that healing your self, and how you relate to your inner world of thoughts and feelings, is prerequisite. Expect some strong emotions from time to time, and learn to 'get comfortable with them. Life and relationships are challenging, and dealing with hurts is part of growing together, and learning to do better. Cultivate honesty with your self, and seek the support of safe persons. Ultimately, in a healthy relationship, partners are 'safe' persons to go to for support. It's a healthy expectation and standard to set in your relationship.

Other suggestions are to cultivate a positive attitude in life, and keep reaching for what brings health and balance to your life. It's in your hands to no longer allow angry outbursts, anxiety or depression to control your life and relationship, and if necessary, to seek professional assistance to realize this goal. Naturally, this involves determined effort. It requires you to act in consistent ways to break free, and heal, the addictive-reaction patterns that have imprisoned the otherwise amazing healing and transformation capacities of your beautiful brains. What determines whether you or your partner will change? The determining factors are: whether you want to change, how much you want this, whether you believe you can, and what you're willing to do make this happen. You are each responsible for making changes to your ways of thinking and believing, each 100% responsible for the way you relate (respond, react). Stay positive to put the power of what you really want, believe, and envision into action. Believe in you. Believe in each other. Take 100% responsibility. No excuses. Take action, to do whatever is in your power to break free of the control of addictive relating patterns, and retrain the neural patterns of your brain. Relationship consultant, author, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Athena Staik shows clients how to break free of anxiety, addictions, and other emotional blocks, to awaken radiantly healthy lives and relationships. Dr. Staik is currently in private practice in Northern VA, and writing her book, Safe Enough to Love: Breaking Free of Addictive Love in Couple Relationships. To contact Dr. Staik for information, an appointment or workshop, visit www.drstaik.com, or visit on her Facebook fan page DrAthenaStaik

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