THE PURE AND THE IMPURE Colette Translated by Herma Briffault Introduced by Judit T urman

Introduction T e Pure and t e Im!ure is an in"esti#ation into t e nature and la$s of t e erotic life% It ta&es t e form of a classical dialectic'a series of dialo#ues( inters!ersed $it narrati"e and commentary( bet$een a trut see&er named )Colette) and a series of informants $ om s e describes as )restless # osts unreco"ered from $ounds sustained in t e !ast $ en t ey cras ed eadlon# or sidelon# a#ainst t at barrier reef( mysterious and incom!re ensible( t e uman body%) T ou# Colette drafted t e $or& in late middle a#e( and re$rote it a decade later( er )# osts) belon# to t e last fin de sicle, t e !eriod of er i# yout ( and of er comin# of a#e as a $riter% T is $as an era of fairly ysterical miso#yny( $ en male aut orities from t e most reactionary to t e most a"ant*#arde $ere aunted by t e s!ecter of an )emasculatin#) and )"irili+ed) Ne$ ,oman'a fi#ure $ o( $it t$o ot er im!ure sub"ersi"es( t e Je$ and t e omose-ual't reatened to corru!t t e old fi-ed cate#ories of national identity and #ender at a moment $ en all &inds of ot er sacred )trut s) $ere bein# discredited% Colette $as ne"er a !olitical re"olutionary( and certainly not a feminist( t ou# s e $ould describe erself !roudly( in er final memoir( The Blue Lantern, as )an erotic militant%) Her militancy too& t e form .in life as in art/

of a re"olt a#ainst any normati"e standards for desire( and a#ainst all sentimentality in t e carnal domain% )C arlotte() t e older $oman $ om Colette encounters in a Parisian o!ium den at t e be#innin# of The Pure and the Impure, and $ o') eroically() in Colette0s "ie$'fa&es an or#asm for t e benefit of er frail youn# lo"er( sums u! t e aut or0s "ie$ concisely1 )I0m de"oted to t at boy( $it all my eart% But $ at is t e eart( madame2 It0s $ort less t an !eo!le t in&% It0s 3uite accommodatin#% It acce!ts anyt in#% 4ou #i"e it $ ate"er you a"e( it0s not "ery !articular% But t e body% % % Ha5 T at0s somet in# else( a#ain%) Probably no one &ne$ more t an Colette about t e !redicament of a ser"ile eart t at selflessly !um!s life t rou# an im!erious body( and s e as&s us to read The Pure and the Impure as er definiti"e $ord on t e sub6ect')my !ersonal contribution to t e sum total of our &no$led#e of t e senses%) But t at intri#uin# if rat er #randiose instruction needs some !ers!ecti"e% If Colette0s militancy is limited to t e boudoir( s e is also one of t e first modern $riters to su##est t at )male) and )female) are sub6ecti"e assi#nments( and t at a society $ ic #rants t e !ri"ile#e of )doin#) or )bein# done to) e-clusi"ely to one se- or t e ot er $ar!s its youn#% A c ild of eit er se-( s e !ercei"es( as ur#es to !enetrate( de"our( and !ossess7 to be c eris ed( dominated( and contained% T e se-ual !redators( sla"es( casualties( altruists( and im!ersonators $ om s e describes in The Pure and the Impure .and t rou# out er oeuvre) a"e been forced to deny or renounce t e forbidden as!ects of t emsel"es'$ ic are( !ut sim!ly( t eir im!ure true feelin#s% Purity and im!urity $ould a"e been C ristian notions for Colette( es!ecially as t ey a!!ly to $omen( but s e defiantly inter!rets t em in er o$n !a#an terms% At one !oint( s e admits t at s e doesn0t understand t e meanin# of t e $ord )!ure) at all( t ou# )in t e !ictures it e"o&es( I construct a refu#e for myself%)8 But from ot er sources( one infers t at !urity( for Colette( is a !rela!sarian state of armony en6oyed by $ild animals( flora( birds of !rey( certain socio!at s( and by ordinary umans only as fetuses% To be !ure means to be un indered by any conscious bonds of need or de!endence( or by any conflict bet$een male and female dri"es%
8 9 e #oes on to e-!lain t at t ese ima#es of li# tness and trans!arency are t e substitutes for )isolated) !laces'c ild ood( innocence( $ oleness'beyond er reac % In t e final re"ision of t e te-t( t ose )isolated) !laces are not 6ust remote( t ey a"e become )ima#inary%)

9ince Colette also belie"es t at t ere is no aut entic andro#yny in our fallen $orld( t ere can be no $ oleness( and for a $oman no autonomy( no !erson ood'a male !ri"ile#e'$it out an unacce!table erotic sacrifice% )Ho$ to liberate my true o!e2) s e as&s in an early no"el% )E"eryt in# is a#ainst me% T e first obstacle to my esca!e is t is $oman0s body barrin# my $ay( a "olu!tuous body $it closed eyes( "oluntarily blind( stretc ed out full( ready to !eris % % % % I0m s e t is $oman( t is brute beast so stubborn in er !leasure%) The Pure and the Impure trac&s t e course of t e forbidden desires $ ic #o under#round( to resurface as !er"ersions( and t e searc of a fra#mented self for anot er( symmetrically fra#mented( to com!lete it% Colette conducts er researc li&e t e bold and scru!ulous re!orter s e $as .and if s e ad ne"er $ritten a $ord of fiction( s e $ould still be remembered as one of t e #reatest :renc 6ournalists of t e century/% 9 e stru##les admirably $it er o$n biases( discernin# t e sadist0s onor( t e !arasite0s "itality( and t e !er"ert0s #allantry( alon# $it t eir !at os( folly( and delusion% But er conclusions are not eartenin#% )T is is a sad boo&() s e told a friend( )it doesn0t $arm itself at t e fire of lo"e( because t e fles doesn0t c eer u! its ardent ser"ants%) Accordin# to er t ird usband( Maurice ;oude&et( Colette be#an $ritin# The Pure and the Impure in July of 8<=>% 9 e $as fifty*se"en( e $as forty*t$o( and t ey $ere cruisin# t e Nor$e#ian f6ords on a yac t a!tly named t e Eros( $ ic belon#ed to t eir friend Henri de Rot sc ild% It is tem!tin# to ima#ine t at t e settin# ad some influence on er $or&in# title1 a decadent lo"e boat sailin# t rou# icy and !ristine nort ern $aters !ast cliffs of incorru!tible #randeur% Colette $as e-!eriencin# t e ! enomenon t e 9candina"ians call lyse natter, )$ ite ni# ts() for t e first time( alt ou# in :renc t e same e-!ression as a different meanin#1 t e fe"eris slee!lessness induced by !assion( an-iety( or bot % By 9e!tember( s e $as bac& in :rance( searc in# for a ne$ and less Cartesian title( and tellin# er friends( ty!ically( t at t e boo& $as #oin# "ery badly% Colette0s $or&'nearly ei# ty "olumes in all'in"ariably $ent )"ery badly%) It is a common t ou# false im!ression t at s e $rote( as Henri de Mont erlant !ut it( )as naturally as s e breat e?d@%) )I0m toilin# li&e an ant() s e tells a confidante% 9 e also s!ea&s of )"omitin# u!) er last !a#es( and s e finis ed t e te-t s e ad by no$ renamed Ces Plaisirs. . . ( ces plaisirs !u"on nomme, # la l$%re, physi!ues 't ese !leasures t at are

so li# tly called ! ysical/ )in ni# ts and days of des!air( as usual%) But as usual( too( Colette $as a !rodi#ious $or& orse of Alym!ian "itality% Ces Plaisirs. . . $as ready by t e autumn of 8<=8( but in t at same !eriod of about fifteen mont s( s e ad also mana#ed to ada!t a no"el for t e sta#e( edit er tra"el $ritin#s for an ant olo#y( launc a beauty institute( and brea& er le#'an in6ury $ ic contributed to er ! ysical decline( lea"in# er "ulnerable to t e e-cruciatin# art ritis of t e i! t at e"entually immobili+ed er% As Colette al$ays li"ed and to mout on a rat er o!ulent le"el and $as c ronically s ort of cas ( s e li&ed to seriali+e er $or& in some lucrati"e !eriodical before !ublis in# it in boo& form% Money $as a !articular $orry in 8<=8( $it t e De!ression #ainin# momentum and Maurice( a bro&er of !earls( ban&ru!t and out of $or&% 9 e sold t e ri# ts to Ces Plaisirs% % % to er friend Jose! Bessel( literary editor of &rin%oire, a !o!ular 6ournal of !olitics and culture $ ic $as not yet( t ou# it $ould soon become( a !ro*Na+i !ro!a#anda "e icle% After only four of nine !ro6ected installments ad run'and a!!arently in res!onse to t e outra#e of certain conser"ati"e readers't e !ublis er of &rin%oire, a Corsican named Horace de Carbuccia( abru!tly cut off Colette0s te-t in mid*sentence $it t e $ord 'in. It $as an astoundin# insult to so eminent a $riter( and Colette $as li"id% Ne"ert eless( fi"e years later( s e eit er found it in er eart to for#i"e Carbuccia or s$allo$ed er !ride .funds $ere a#ain lo$/( and sold im t$o of er finest no"ellas% And in 8<C8( s e seriali+ed er only no"el from t e Accu!ation( (ulie de Carneilhan, in a &rin%oire t at $as no$ rabidly fascist and anti*9emitic% T at same blea& year of 8<C8 also brou# t t e si-*$ee& internment of er belo"ed Maurice in t e concentration cam! at Com!iD#ne% Colette ad been callin# im )t e Je$ $ o doesn0t &no$ e0s one() t ou# e &ne$ e $as one t e mornin# t e ;esta!o &noc&ed at t eir door% A mont before is arrest( and des!ite t e Na+i !ersecution of omose-uals( and a climate e-tremely ostile to any $or& of art deemed )decadent() s e !ublis ed t e substantially re"ised and definiti"e "ersion of The Pure and the Impure, restorin# t e title s e ad used for er first draft%E It $as not a moment to insist co3uettis ly on plaisir. By no$'t$o years s y of se"enty'obese( bed*ridden( rac&ed $it !ain( and de!endent on a unted man'Colette ad finally acce!ted t at t ere could be no esca!e from t e contradictions( limits(
E It $as( in !rinci!le( a ris&y !ro!osition( alt ou# er !ublis er( Fouis T omas( $as a collaborationist in #ood standin# $it t e Accu!ation aut orities% He ad ta&en o"er t e ouse of Calmann*Fe"y( $ ose Je$is o$ners ad fled abroad( and rec ristened it Au- Armes de :rance%

and demands of er $oman0s body% Ha"in# married t$o incorri#ible ! ilanderers in a ro$ 'first ,illy( in 8G<=( t en Henry de Jou"enel( in 8<8E'Colette ad lon# been fascinated $it .attracted to and tormented by/ t e c aracter of t e se-ual !redator% As early as 8<>G( s e ad considered $ritin# a !lay about Don Juan as a "e icle for er friend Edouard de Ma-( t e leadin# actor of is day( a famous seducer of men( and a flamboyant !ersona#e of t e #ay demimonde% T ere $ould be no !lay( t ou# in 8<E8( a"in# finis ed Proust0s )odom and &omorrah, Colette sent im a !assionate fan letter confessin# t at s e( too( ad $anted to $rite a )study on t e omose-ual) and t at )t ose !a#es of yours% % % are e-actly $ at I $as carryin# $it in me( $it t e inca!acity and la+iness to brin# t em fort % % % % I s$ear t at no one after you( no one e-ce!t you( $ill be able to add a t in# to $ at you0"e $ritten%) Ri"alry( o$e"er( $as al$ays a mains!rin# of Colette0s #enius( and in The Pure and the Impure s e bot sets about and succeeds in am!lifyin# Proust0s !ortrait of t e )in"ert() focusin# $it !articular lucidity and elo3uence on t at Belle H!o3ue );omorra ) s e ad &no$n so $ell as a music all artiste7 as a lo"er of Natalie Barney and a friend of RenIe Ji"ien7 and as t e consort of )Missy() t e Mar3uise de Morny( t e aristocratic( lesbian trans"estite ten years Colette0s senior $it $ om s e ad li"ed bet$een 8<>K and 8<88% 4et The Pure and the Impure is not only a !enetratin# treatise on omose-uality( !romiscuity( miso#yny( and t e ancient enmity bet$een t e se-es( it is a meditation on t e $ay uman bein#s erotici+e'$it tra#ic conse3uences't eir !rimal( affecti"e bonds% As t e )restless # osts) confide t eir secrets of t e fles to a sym!at etic listener $ o is tryin# to conceal er o$n )fri# tful !assi"ity of t e senses() a !attern be#ins to emer#e from t eir confessions% All of t em a"e li"ed t eir li"es star"ed for an essential nutrient( and unable to renounce t e fantasy of meetin# t e Pro"ider $ o $ill fill t is )"oid) once and for all% T e se- act tantali+es t em $it a fleetin# taste of com!leteness( but t ey blame t e deficiencies of t eir !artners for t eir ine"itable rela!se into t e "oid'and so mo"e on to t e ne-t $arm body% Colette loo&s closely at t e different strate#ies by $ ic t ese famis ed creatures'lo"ers and ri"als of bot se-es in e"ery combination'see& to master t eir "oracity% T e stron# ta&e t e offensi"e1 t ey attem!t to reco"er an illusion of $ oleness t rou# domination( and t ey become t e sadists

and seducers of bot se-es% T e $ea& e-!eriment $it some form of defensi"e self*star"ation1 asceticism( celibacy( anore-ia( but most commonly masoc istic submission% T is "oluntary !ri"ation feels su!erior to t e ori#inal un#er of t e infant( $ ic $as suffered el!lessly% In 8<C8( and se"eral times t ereafter( Colette declared The Pure and the Impure to be er finest $or&( and t e one most li&ely to endure% T e 6ud#ment is 6ust( I t in&( alt ou# it is far from bein# t e most accessible or best &no$n of er boo&s% It is not only dee!ly melanc oly and !essimistic( it is intensely !ersonal( and because Colette is ne"er more reticent t an $ en s e is bein# most re"ealin#( t e style( at times( is maddenin#ly elusi"e% Her o$n resistance to and an-iety about t e carnal trut s e-!lored in The Pure and the Impure s o$ in t e baro3ue synta- and t e ubi3uity of sus!ension !oints( of obscure references( and of contradictions t at ma&e t e te-t( in !laces( an e-as!eratin# e-!erience for t e casual reader'and certainly for t e fans of er "olu!tuous( eart$armin# !aeans to food( flo$ers( mot er ood( animals( and country life% 4et The Pure and the Impure comes closer t an any ot er of Colette0s boo&s( memoir or fiction( to re"ealin# t e )mysterious nature of ? er@ bein#() as Natalie Barney !ut it( $ ic s e #uarded so fiercely( e"en from er intimates% 9 e e-!lores er o$n sensual torments( admits er failures( flaunts er !o$ers( confesses er $ea&nesses( and sums u! t e t ree &inds of !assionate attac ments s e erself as &no$n% T e first is $it t ose on $ om s e as )la"is ed) er #ifts( and t ese include c ildren( animals( and er se-ual ri"als%= T e second is $it t ose $ ose )ric es) s e still as t e stren#t to !lunder% And t e t ird is $it t at tiny com!any of ) eroically) fri"olous and amoral souls $ om s e calls er fello$ )sur"i"ors() and $ o a"e( li&e er( been )cast u!on a roc&y coast by t eir dismasted "essel)' $ ose name is Eros% A !erfect union( Colette su##ests in The Pure and the Impure, $ould be one in $ ic bot !artners could #i"e and ta&e mutual satisfaction% But er e- austi"e sur"ey of erotic !ossibilities turns u! no e3uals% T ere are t e stoical #i"ers li&e C arlotte and Fa C e"aliDre .Missy/% And t ere are t e boastful and #reedy ta&ers( li&e er Don Juan .Damien/( or er friend RenIe Ji"ien( or t e old courtesan( Amalia L( countin# t eir con3uests on t eir
= Colette $as in t e abit of culti"atin# a com!licity $it er se-ual ri"als1 ma&in# t em friends and e"en de!endents( su!!ortin# t eir careers( feedin# t em( counselin# t em( c armin# t em( lendin# t em er ouses( and( in some cases( tryin# to seduce t em .and often succeedin#/%

fin#ers% Ironically( o$e"er( Colette concei"ed The Pure and the Impure at a moment $ en( after alf a century of romantic disenc antments and betrayals( s e ad found a !artner'a man fifteen years er 6unior'$ ose "irile constancy ad disarmed er mistrust% Maurice ;oude&et en6oyed er bullyin#( but t ey made a #ame of it( becomin# accom!lices and !laymates rat er t an "ictim and o!!ressor% T eir bond $asn0t !ure( and it certainly $asn0t e3ual( but t e de"otion and t e desire $ere bot mutual% )It is only $ en one is better t at one disco"ers one $asn0t "ery $ell() s e once told Maurice% And t is #reat ode to em!tiness $as $ritten by a $oman $ o felt full% 'Judit T urman

T e Pure and t e Im!ure 8 T e Door t at o!ened to me on t e to! floor of a ne$ buildin# #a"e access to a bi#( #lass*roofed studio( as "ast as a co"ered mar&et% Half$ay u! t e i# $all ran a $ide balcony dra!ed $it C inese embroideries( t e rat er sla!das &ind manufactured in C ina for t e e-!ort trade( t e desi#ns lar#e but rat er !retty all t e same% A #rand !iano( some flat little Ja!anese mattresses( a ! ono#ra! ( and !otted a+aleas accounted for t e rest% ,it no sur!rise( I s oo& ands $it an ac3uaintance( li&e me a no"elist and 6ournalist( and I e-c an#ed nods $it my un&no$n osts( $ o( t an& ;od( seemed to be as little inclined as I $as for any friendlier e-c an#e% Muite e-!ectin# to be bored( I settled do$n on t e mat allotted to me and $atc ed t e o!ium smo&e $astefully and slu##is ly streamin# u!$ard to collide( as if re#retfully( $it t e #lass !anes of t e s&yli# t% Its blac&( a!!eti+in# aroma of fres truffles or burnt cocoa besto$ed u!on me !atience( o!timism( and a "a#ue un#er% I decided I li&ed t e dull red #lo$ of t e s aded li# ts(

t e almond*s a!ed $ ite flames of t e o!ium lam!s( one of t em nearby( t e ot er t$o flic&erin# li&e $ill*o0*t e*$is!s fart er on( in a &ind of alco"e under t e balustraded balcony% 9omeone leaned o"er t at balustrade( a yout ful ead cau# t t e red ray of t e an#in# lanterns( a loose $ ite slee"e $a"ered and disa!!eared before I could ma&e out $ et er t e $ ite sil& slee"e and t e ead of air slic&ed do$n li&e t e air of a dro$ned !erson belon#ed to a $oman or a man% )4ou0re ere as a si# tseer2) my $riter friend in3uired% He $as stretc ed out on is little mattress( and I noticed e ad e-c an#ed is dinner 6ac&et for an embroidered &imono and $as dis!layin# t e affected ease of t e o!ium smo&er% My one desire $as to esca!e im( as I do $it t e :renc !eo!le( al$ays a nuisance( t at I meet abroad% )No() I ans$ered% )An a !rofessional assi#nment%) He smiled% )I t ou# t as muc % ,ritin# a no"el2) And I loat ed im still more for t in&in# me inca!able 'as indeed I $as'of en6oyin# t is lu-ury( t is tran3uil if rat er base !leasure( a !leasure !rom!ted only by a certain &ind of snobbis ness( a s!irit of bra"ado( a curiosity more affected t an real% % % I ad brou# t $it me only a $ell* concealed #rief $ ic #a"e me no rest and a fri# tful !assi"ity of t e senses% Ane of t e un&no$n #uests came to life( rose from is couc to offer me a !i!e of o!ium( a !inc of cocaine( or a coc&tail% At eac refusal e raised is and lim!ly in a #esture of disa!!ointment% He finally anded me a bo- of ci#arettes( and $it an En#lis smile said( )Really( can0t I do anyt in# for you2) I t an&ed im( and e too& care not to insist% After more t an fifteen years( I still remember t at e $as andsome and a!!arently sane( e-ce!t t at is eyes $ere too $ide o!en bet$een t e ri#id eyelids !eo!le a"e $ o suffer from c ronic insomnia% A youn# $oman( into-icated as far as I could 6ud#e( noticed my !resence and announced from a distance t at s e intended to come o"er and #i"e me )a dirty loo&%) 9 e re!eated it se"eral times1 )4es( e-actly( a dirty loo&%) I don0t recall any ot er c eerful incident to re!ort% A fe$ serious smo&ers( only alf "isible in t e reddis #loom( made er s ut u!% I belie"e one of t em #a"e er some o!ium !ellets to c e$( an act s e !erformed

dutifully( ma&in# a faint suc&in# sound( an animal sound li&e an infant at its mot er0s breast% T e o!ium( $ ic I do not smo&e( !ermeated t is ordinary room $it its fra#rance( and I $as not at all bored% T$o youn# men $it t eir arms around eac ot er aroused t e attention of my fello$ 6ournalist( but t ey made no disturbance( merely tal&in# ra!idly in lo$ "oices% Ane of t em continually sniffed and $i!ed is eyes $it is slee"e% T e red #loom in $ ic $e $ere bat ed could a"e lulled t e stron#est minds% I $as in an o!ium den( but not in one of t ose assemblies $ ic #i"e t e s!ectator a rat er lastin# dis#ust for $ at e sees and for is o$n !artici!ation by bein# t ere% I re6oiced at t is and o!ed t at no na&ed dancer of eit er se- $ould come to disturb our de"otions( t at t ere $as not t e least dan#er of an in"asion of alco ol*soa&ed Americans( and I e"en o!ed t e ! ono#ra! $ould fall silent% % % Just t en a $oman0s "oice $as raised in son#( a furry( s$eet( yet us&y "oice t at ad t e 3ualities of a ard and t ic&*s&inned "el"ety !eac % ,e $ere all so c armed t at $e too& care not to a!!laud or e"en to murmur our !raise% )Is t at you( C arlotte2) as&ed one of my !rone and motionless nei# bors after a time% ), y of course it0s me%) )9in# some more( C arlotte% % %) )No5) an#rily s outed a man0s "oice% )9 e didn0t come ere to sin#5) In t e distant red #loom could be eard t e indistinct us&y lau# ter of )C arlotte) and t e $ is!erin# of t e same irritated youn# man% To$ard t$o o0cloc& in t e mornin#( $ ile a slee!less youn# fello$ $as ser"in# us cu!s of "ery fra#rant !ale C inese tea t at ad t e scent of ne$* mo$n ay( a $oman and t$o men entered( brin#in# into t e odorous and mur&y air of t e studio t e cold ni# t air cau# t by t eir furs% Ane of t e ne$comers as&ed if )C arlotte) $as t ere% A teacu! cras ed at t e far end of t e room( and a#ain t e youn# man0s an#ry "oice $as eard% )4es( s e0s ere% 9 e0s $it me( and it0s nobody0s business% 4ou can 6ust lea"e er alone%) T e ne$ arri"al $ o ad as&ed t e 3uestion s ru##ed( t re$ off is o"ercoat and dinner 6ac&et as if !re!arin# for a scuffle( but merely !ut on a

blac& &imono( t en 3uic&ly san& do$n beside one of t e o!ium trays and be#an to smo&e a !i!e( in alin# $it suc disa#reeable a"idity t at one felt li&e offerin# im sand$ic es( cold roast "eal( red $ine( ard*boiled e##s( any food no matter $ at( more suited to a!!easin# is ra"enous a!!etite% T e $oman in furs $ o accom!anied im $ent o"er to t e drun&en #irl( $ om s e called )My s$eet() and I ad no time to condemn t eir friends i! for t ey $ent to slee! at once( molded to#et er( t e i!s of t e one in t e la! of t e ot er( li&e t$o s!oons in a sil"er dra$er% In s!ite of t e stuffy $armt of t e room( cold air came do$n from t e s&yli# t( announcin# t e ni# t0s endin#% I $ra!!ed my coat ti# tly about me( de!lorin# t e la+iness( induced by t e ea"y aroma( $ ic ( combined $it t e late our( still &e!t me from #oin# ome to bed% I could a"e follo$ed t e e-am!le of t e sensible !eo!le lyin# t ere( could a"e stretc ed out $it t em and sle!t $it out fear( but alt ou# I can confidently slee! on a terrace or a bed of !ine needles( any s ut*in and unfamiliar !lace ma&es me uneasy% T e narro$ staircase of !olis ed $ood crea&ed under some footste!s( $ ic t en sounded on t e balcony abo"e me( $ ere could be eard t e rustlin# of sil&( t e li# t im!act of !illo$s t ro$n u!on t e ec oin# floorboards( and silence closed in a#ain% But from t e de!t s of t is "ery silence a sound im!erce!tibly be#an in a $oman0s t roat( at first us&y( t en clear( assertin# its firmness and am!litude as it $as re!eated( becomin# clear and full li&e t e notes t e ni# tin#ale re!eats and accumulates until t ey !our out in a flood of ar!e##ios% % % U! t ere on t e balcony a $oman $as tryin# ard to delay er !leasure and in doin# so $as urryin# it to$ard its clima- and destruction( in a r yt m at first so calm and armonious( so mar&ed t at I in"oluntarily beat time $it my ead( for its cadence $as as !erfect as its melody% My un&no$n nei# bor alf sat u! and muttered to imself( )T at0s C arlotte%) Neit er one of t e t$o slee!in# $omen $o&e u!7 nor did t e snufflin# youn# men( indistinctly "isible( lau# aloud or a!!laud t e "oice t at bro&e on a subdued sob% An t e balcony abo"e( t e si# in# left off% And t e 3uiet ones do$n belo$ all felt t e c ill of t e $inter da$n% I u##ed my furred coat about me( and a man lyin# nearby !ulled u! a corner of embroidered clot o"er is s oulder and s ut is eyes% At t e far end of t e room( near a sil&en lantern( t e t$o slee!in# $omen dre$ still closer to eac ot er $it out $a&in# u!( and t e small flames of t e oil lam!s flic&ered under t e do$ndraft of cold air from t e s&yli# t%

9tiff and ac in# from my !rolon#ed immobility( I stood u! and sur"eyed t e !rostrate forms on t e mattresses( mentally calculatin# o$ many I $ould a"e to ste! o"er on my $ay out% At t at moment t e balcony stairs crea&ed a#ain% A $oman in a dar& coat ad come do$n and $as on er $ay to t e door% 9 e sto!!ed before reac in# it( buttoned er #lo"es( carefully !ulled er "eil do$n to er c in( o!ened er andba#( 6in#led some &eys% )I0m al$ays afraid% % %) s e murmured% 9 e $as tal&in# to erself( but $ en s e sa$ t at I $as #oin# out( s e smiled at me% )4ou0re lea"in#( too( madame2 T en follo$ me( if you $ant to a"e li# t in t e stairs'I &no$ $ ere t e time s$itc is%) In t e stair$ay( $ ere er and brou# t fort an unflatterin# li# t( I could see er more distinctly% 9 e $as neit er tall nor s ort( $as rat er !lum! and resembled t e fa"orite models of Renoir't e same full face and s ort nose( recallin# t e belles of 8GNK( and t is so stron#ly t at in s!ite of er smart oli"e*#reen coat $it fo- collar and t e small at currently fas ionable( s e some o$ loo&ed out of date% Probably forty*fi"e years old( s e still ad a yout ful fres ness( and er eyes t at loo&ed u! at me in t e cur"es of t e stair$ay $ere lar#e and #entle and #ray( #ray*#reen li&e er coat% It $as still dar& outside( and t e cool ni# t air re"i"ed me% T e desire t at is a daily occurrence $it me on clear mornin#s to esca!e to$ard fields and forests( or at least to$ard t e nearby Bois de Boulo#ne( made me esitate $ en $e reac ed t e !a"ement% )4ou don0t a"e a car2) said my com!anion% )Neit er do I% But at t is our t ere are al$ays cars to be ad in t is nei# bor ood%) As s e s!o&e( a ta-i a!!eared( comin# from t e Bois% It slo$ed do$n and sto!!ed% 9 e stood aside% )Do ta&e it( madame() s e said% ), y( not at all5 Fet me in"ite you% % %) )Not to be t ou# t of5 Ar allo$ me to ta&e you ome% % %) 9 e c ec&ed erself( ma&in# a #esture of e-cuse t at I easily understood and !rotested%

)4ou0re not bein# at all indiscreet() I said% )I li"e not far a$ay( on t e outer boule"ard% % %) ,e #ot in% T e ta-i turned around% T e faint li# t of t e meter no$ lit u!( from time to time( t e face of t e $oman( $ o $as un&no$n to me e-ce!t for er first name( true or false( )C arlotte%) 9 e stifled a ya$n( and si# ed% )I0m not yet myself( and I li"e a$ay out near t e Fion de Belfort% % % And I0m e- austed% % %) In s!ite of myself I must a"e smiled( for s e loo&ed at me $it out embarrassment and s!o&e $it c armin# sim!licity% )A yes( I &no$( you0re lau# in# at me( I can see $ at you0re t in&in#%) , at seduction $as in er "oice( o$ deli# tful t e $ay it ras!ed out certain syllables and t e sua"e and defeated $ay it ad of lettin# t e ends of ! rases fall into t e lo$er re#ister% % % T e $indo$ $as o!en at t e ri# t of C arlotte and t e bree+e $afted to$ard me er rat er ordinary !erfume alon# $it a bris& natural odor of ealt y fles ( !leasant e-ce!t for t e smell of stale tobacco% )It0s really too bad() s e be#an( as if at random% )T at !oor boy% % %) ), at !oor boy2) I as&ed( submissi"ely% )4ou didn0t see im2 No( you couldn0t a"e seen im% % % But you ad arri"ed $ en e leaned o"er t e balustrade of t e balcony% He0s t e one in t e $ ite &imono%) )And fair* aired2) )T at0s ri# t() s e e-claimed softly% )T at describes im% He $orries me a #reat deal() s e added% I !ermitted myself t at smile of arc understandin# t at so ill becomes me% )And merely $orries you2) 9 e s ru##ed% )Belie"e $ at you li&e%) )T at youn# man $as t e one $ o made you sto! sin#in#( $asn0t e2) )4es% It ma&es im 6ealous% Not t at I a"e a fine "oice( but I sin#

$ell%) )I $as on t e !oint of sayin# 6ust t e contrary( belie"e it or not% 4ou a"e a "oice% % %) A#ain s e s ru##ed% )As you li&e% 9ome !eo!le say one t in#( some say anot er% 9 all I a"e t e ta-i sto! 6ust s ort of your door2) I #ras!ed t e arm s e ad raised% )By no means% Please%) 9 e a!!eared to be a little u!set o"er er uncalled*for discretion and made s ift to as& a 3uestion t at dis#uised a confidential !iece of information% )It isn0t "ery armful( is it( for a youn# man $it $ea& lun#s to ta&e a little o!ium from time to time2) )No( not too armful% % %) I ans$ered doubtfully% A ea"y si# lifted er i# and rounded bosom a little i# er% )He0s a #reat $orry() s e re!eated% )But don0t you a#ree t at $ en e0s been #ood for a fortni# t( ta&en is !ills( eaten is red meat( sle!t as e s ould $it is $indo$s $ide o!en( e deser"es a recom!ense no$ and t en2) 9 e lau# ed softly( a us&y but musical lau# ter% )He calls t at an or#y( 6ust ima#ine% He0s !roud% % % A ( madame() s e e-claimed( )t e dustmen are at your door% Do you mind t eir seein# you arri"e2 No2 Ho$ nice5 :reedom is a $onderful t in#% But as for me% % % I0m not free%) 9 e fell silent( absently eld out er and( and #a"e me t e faint little innocent smile of er lar#e eyes( clouded $it #reen li&e t e !ools t e sea lea"es at ebb tide%

I did not see C arlotte a#ain for some time% Nor did I loo& for er( at least not in t e !laces $ ere I ima#ined I mi# t find er( for e-am!le( a c urc $eddin# on t e Feft Ban&( or a"in# tea in an ancient a!artment( in t e bosom of t ose families t at ri#idly !reser"e t eir !ro"incial $ays in Paris% I ima#ined t at er !resence at a small e-a#onal table cro$ned $it s$eet biscuits $ould a"e seemed 3uite natural to me% 9eated in er oli"e* #reen coat( er small at tilted o"er er eyes( t e s ort "eil raised li&e a slatted blind on er nose( t e cu! of insi!id tea eld in t$o fin#ers( I sa$ er( I in"ented er( I eard er accent of modesty and trut s&illfully con"incin# t e cross*#rained old ostesses1 )As for me( you &no$( t e $ay I see it% % %) I did not loo& for er( because I $as afraid of dis!ellin# t e mystery $e attac to !eo!le $ om $e &no$ only casually% But I $as not sur!rised to find er standin# in front of me one day $ en I $as sellin# boo&s for t e benefit of some c arity or ot er% 9 e bou# t a "olume( smilin# at me in t e most discreet $ay% I as&ed er( $it an ea#erness t at seemed to astound er1 )9 all I dedicate t e boo&( madame2) )A ( yes( madame% % % If it isn0t as&in# too muc %) )Not at all( madame% % % To $ at name2) ), y( sim!ly !ut 0To Madame C arlotte% % %0) To all t is re!etition of )madame) t at $e ceremoniously e-c an#ed( C arlotte added a c uc&le t at I reco#ni+ed( a subdued lau# ter( as #entle and !oi#nant as t e lan#ua#e of t e little nocturnal barn o$l( t at rin#do"e of dar&ness% % % And I !ut a maladroit 3uestion% )4ou0re all alone2) )I ne"er #o out e-ce!t alone() re!lied C arlotte% ),e a"en0t seen you a#ain t ere% % %) 9 e s!o&e in a alf $ is!er( leafin# t rou# t e "olume s e ad 6ust !urc ased% They are al$ays t ere 9unday e"enin#s% % %) I acce!ted t is indirect in"itation for t e !leasure of seein# C arlotte a#ain% T e !leasure turned out to be #reater t an e-!ected( for I found er alone in t e studio o!ium den( $ ic $as as accessible and in os!itable as a rail$ay station% No irritable youn# man $atc ed o"er er in t e de!t s of t e red s ado$s amassed under t e balcony% Bare* eaded( "ery neat( and loo&in# rat er !lum! in er blac& dress( s e ad not donned t e ritual

&imono% 9 e $as drin&in# mate and offered me some in a ollo$ed*out blac& and yello$ #ourd t at ad t e min#led odor of tea and flo$erin# meado$s% )4ou can use t is bombilla( I0"e 6ust scalded it() s e said( andin# me t e s!atulate reed tube% )Are you comfortable2 ,ant a cus ion at your bac&2 Just see o$ 3uiet $e are toni# t% None of t ose $omen% % % 4ou as& $ o are t ose men at t e far end of t e room2 En#lis men( "ery !ro!er !eo!le $ o come ere only to smo&e o!ium%) Her tran3uil &indness( er muffled "oice( and t e e-!ression in er #ray*#reen eyes $ould a"e o!ened t e ardest eart% Her !lum! arms( t e elo3uent and ladyli&e de-terity of er e"ery #esture'$ at snares for t e youn# and irascible lo"er5 )I see you0re alone( Madame C arlotte2) 9 e assented $it a nod( serenely% )I0m ta&in# a rest() s e said sim!ly% )4ou0ll say t at I could rest at ome% But one doesn0t rest $ell at ome%) 9 e let er assured and &indly #a+e $ander( and in aled dee!ly t e odor of t e o!ium( $ ic I myself $as en6oyin# as only t ose $ o do not smo&e can en6oy it% ), ose !lace is t is2) I as&ed% )To tell t e trut ( I don0t &no$() said C arlotte% )I first eard about t is !lace from some !ainters% Do you really $ant to &no$2) )Not really%) )As a matter of fact( your 3uestion sur!rised me% % % It0s so !leasant not to &no$ $ ere one is% % %) 9 e smiled at me confidin#ly% To !ut er still more at ease( I could a"e $is ed t at s e did not &no$ my name% )4our youn# friend isn0t ill( I o!e2) )No( t an& #oodness% He0s $it bac& in a $ee&%) is !arents( in t e country% I e-!ect im

Her face dar&ened a little( and er eyes #a+ed into t e reddis ( smo&e* filled #loom of t e studio% )Ho$ tiresome() s e si# ed( ) o$ tiresome a man can be t at one

lo"es5 I don0t muc en6oy tellin# lies%) ), at do you mean2 , y s ould you tell lies2 Don0t you lo"e im2) )Af course I lo"e im%) ),ell( t en% % %) 9 e turned u!on me a ma#nificent stare of contem!t( at once miti#ated by $ at s e t en said( !olitely% )9u!!ose $e say I don0t &no$ anyt in# about it%) But I recalled t e romantic re$ard s e ad #ranted t e youn# lo"er( t e almost !ublic dis!lay of !leasure s e ad made in t at ni# tin#ale lament( t ose full notes reiterated a#ain and a#ain( !reci!itated until t eir tremblin# e3uilibrium bro&e in a clima- of torrential sobbin#% % % No doubt t is eld C arlotte0s secret !re"arication( a melodious and merciful lie% I considered t e youn# lo"er0s a!!iness $as #reat $ en measured by t e !erfect du!ery of t e $oman $ o t us subtly contri"ed to #i"e a $ea& and sensiti"e boy t e "ery i# est conce!t of imself t at a man can a"e% % % T is substantial C arlotte $as a female #enius( indul#in# in tender subterfu#e( consideration( and self*denial% And ere s e $as( t is $oman $ o &ne$ o$ to reassure men( sittin# beside me( limbs rela-ed( idly $aitin# to ta&e u! a#ain t e duty of t e one $ o lo"es best1 t e daily im!osture( t e deferential lie( t e !assionately maintained du!ery( t e unreco#ni+ed feat of "alor t at e-!ects no re$ard% % % Aur concealed identity and accidental !ro-imity( t e surroundin# atmos! ere of so*called debauc ery $ere alone $ at ad loosened t e ton#ue of t is eroine $ ose silence in no $ay embarrassed me( t is stran#er to $ om I told not in#( as t ou# I ad finis ed tellin# er all I ad to tell% % % Her !resence lured ot er e! emera from t e de!t s of my memory( ! antoms I seem al$ays to be losin# and findin# a#ain( restless # osts unreco"ered from $ounds sustained in t e !ast $ en t ey cras ed eadlon# or sidelon# a#ainst t at barrier reef( mysterious and incom!re ensible( t e uman body% % % T ey reco#ni+ed C arlotte( for t ey ad( li&e er( not tal&ed e-ce!t in safety( t at is( to stran#ers( in t e !resence of stran#ers% A cons!iratorial ear( 3uite often mine( ad been $it in reac ( and t ey ad dro!!ed into it t eir name( to be#in $it 'an assumed name( but freely assumed't en( !ell*mell( e"eryt in# t at burdened t em1 t e fles ( al$ays t e fles ( t e mysteries and betrayals and frustrations and sur!rises of t e fles % It $as al$ays a lo$( ra!id( monotonous $ is!erin#( issuin# from an in"isible mout smellin# of $ine( of fe"er( of o!ium'or else t e sedate tone of a na&ed lady( !retentiously

di#nified'or t e bitter re"indications of one of t ose $omen $ o t in& men o$e t em somet in#( and $ om HIlDne Picard $ould call a )Madame Ho$*many*times)'all t ese confidences containin# some seeds of trut ( bobbin# about on t e surface of a ric de!osit of unfermented and unfiltered $ine% And I reflected( )In a fe$ minutes( 6ust a fe$ more minutes of a#itated con"ersation( I s all learn from C arlotte $ at s e ides from er s y youn# lo"er%) In t is I $as mista&en% I s ould a"e reco#ni+ed in C arlotte a creature $eary enou# to sit do$n and rest on any milestone( but stron# enou# to start off a#ain unaided% % % 9 e smo&ed some ci#arettes( !oured $ater from a small &ettle o"er some fres mate( called out to an in"isible !erson as&in# $ at time it $as( and #a"e me a fe$ !ieces of information t at s e considered useful% )I myself brin# t e mate ere() s e said% )T e electric &ettle is mine% But 0t ey0 $ill !ro"ide you $it anyt in# you $ant( sand$ic es( tea( biscuits% In $ ic case( you sli! fifty francs to t e concier#e do$nstairs% % % Don0t be u!set( madame% T e last time you came( you only dran& a cu! of tea and smo&ed one or t$o ci#arettes( so you a"en0t muc on your conscience% % % And I o!e you0ll not offend me by offerin# to !ay me for t at cu! of mate% ;ood( isn0t it2 A li# t tonic and not ener"atin#% % % :or t ose $ o smo&e o!ium( t ere0s anot er arran#ement1 t e fi"e !i!es my boy smo&es e"ery time e comes ere( for instance( are c ar#ed to a se!arate account%) A re#ulation as clear as t is in $ at must be called debauc ery $ould no doubt a"e distressed anyone else( but I $as !leased $it e"eryt in# in C arlotte% A $oman !ast er !rime as a do+en $ays( all unacce!table( of desi#natin# )t e little s!ouse() )t e bad c ild() t e )s$eet sin() t e )little #irl)% % % C arlotte said )my boy() addin# to er ambi#uous maternity a fort ri# t( aut oritati"e( no*nonsense accent% I $as o!in# t at s e $ould not turn out to be a "ersion of t ose nuns( t ose nuisances $e run into at e"ery turn% By )nuns) I mean t ose !redestined $omen $ o si# bet$een t e s eets( but $it resi#nation( secretly en6oyin# abne#ation( needle$or&( ouse$or&( and s&y*blue satin beds!reads( for lac& of any ot er altar to adorn $it t e "ir#inal color% % % T ey ta&e fanatical care of t eir man0s clot in#( es!ecially of is trousers( t at bifid and mysterious #arment% :rom t is t ey sin& into t e $orst !er"ersion( $ ic is to o!e and !ray for t eir man to fall ill so t ey can andle dirty basins and clammy ra#s% % % I assured myself t at C arlotte0s conduct $as in anot er cate#ory of be a"ior% Her

comfortable indolence ele"ated er in my esteem1 so fe$ $omen &no$ o$( $it em!ty ands( to remain motionless and serene% I obser"ed er feet and ands( rela-ed and droo!in#( re"elatory si#ns of $isdom and self*control% % % )Ho$ $ell you seem to &no$ o$ to $ait( Madame C arlotte5) Her lar#e ro"in# eyes( t e !u!ils dilated by t e dar&ness( turned bac& to$ard me% )4es( t at0s so( 3uite $ell% But no$( as retired doctors say( I no lon#er !ractice%) )Ane al$ays $aits% And you said 6ust no$( 0I e-!ect im bac& in a $ee&% % %)0 )A 5 4es% % %) 9 e $a"ed er and as if $a"in# to someone !assin# in t e distance( t en a#ain turned to$ard me% )It0s true( I am $aitin# for im% But I e-!ect not in# of im% T ere0s a s ade of difference% % % I $onder if you understand $ at I mean%) )I belie"e I do%) )It $ould be too $onderful( t e lo"e of suc a youn# man( if only I didn0t a"e to !retend% % %) 9 e si# ed( lau# ed( er !leasant round face $earin# an e-!ression t at Renoir $ould a"e c eris ed% )Isn0t it funny() s e said( )t at in suc a cou!le it0s t e older one' e0s only t$enty*t$o'$ o a!!ens to be obli#ed to lie2 I0m de"oted to t at boy( $it all my eart% But $ at is t e eart( madame2 It0s $ort less t an !eo!le t in&% It0s 3uite accommodatin#( it acce!ts anyt in#% 4ou #i"e it $ ate"er you a"e( it0s not "ery !articular% But t e body% % % Ha5 T at0s somet in# else a#ain5 It as a culti"ated taste( as t ey say( it &no$s $ at it $ants% A eart doesn0t c oose( and one al$ays ends u! by lo"in#% I0m t e li"in# !roof%) 9 e slid do$n $earily on t e 3uilted mattress and rested t e bac& of er nec& on a cold little cus ion of $ ite $o"en stra$% Fyin# t us( s e could follo$ t e !lay of li# t and s ade cast on t e reddis ceilin# by t e flame of a small unused o!ium lam!( no$ 6oinin#( t en dis6oinin# t$o !ale rin#s( frin#ed and faintly #olden% As I did not re!ly( s e a#ain turned to loo& at me( $it out raisin# er ead% )I don0t su!!ose you understand me% % %)

)But I 3uite understand you() I assured er !rom!tly( addin# $it in"oluntary $armt ( )Jery li&ely( Madame C arlotte( I understand you better t an anyone in t e $orld%) T e smilin# loo& in er eyes $as my recom!ense% )T at0s far from triflin#( $ at you0"e 6ust said% Ho$ nice t at $e &no$ eac ot er so little5 ,e can tal& about t in#s one doesn0t tal& about $it friends% :riends( $omen friends( if suc a t in# e-ists( ne"er dare to confess to eac ot er $ at t ey really and truly lac&% % %) )Madame C arlotte( do you e"er try to find t e t in# you 0really and truly0 lac&2) 9 e smiled( er ead t ro$n bac&( s o$in# in t e confused li# t t e underside of er s ort( !retty nose( er rat er full c in( t e faultless arc of er teet % )I0m not t at sim!le*minded( madame( nor t at s ameless% , at I lac& 'I sim!ly do $it out% No( no( don0t !raise me for it% % % But $ en one &no$s somet in# really $ell( a"in# once !ossessed it( t en one is ne"er com!letely de!ri"ed% Per a!s t at accounts for my boy0s #reat 6ealousy% Try as I $ill'and you a"e eard me and &no$ I0m not un#ifted'my !oor boy( $ o as intuition( flies into senseless ra#es and s a&es me as if e $ere determined to brea& me to !ieces% % % It0s lau# able() s e said% And in fact s e lau# ed% )And% % % t e t in# you lac&% % % is it really beyond reac 2) )Probably not() s e said au# tily% )But I0d be more as amed of t e trut t an of t e lie% Just ima#ine( madame% % % if I $ere to let myself #o li&e a fool and not e"en &no$ $ at I $as doin# or sayin#% % % A 5 I can0t bear t e idea5) 9 e must e"en a"e blus ed( for er face seemed to dar&en% In a#itation s e turned er ead from side to side on t e $ ite cus ion( er li!s !arted( li&e a $oman t reatened by a !aro-ysm of !leasure% T$o !oints of red li# t attac ed t emsel"es to t e bac&*and*fort mo"ement of er bi#( #listenin# #ray eyes( and it $as not ard to ima#ine t at( $ere s e to sto! lyin#( C arlotte merely ris&ed becomin# more beautiful% % % I told er so( tactfully( and only succeeded in renderin# er rat er cool and circums!ect( as s e ad been in t e ta-i% ;radually s e controlled er emotions and s ut erself off from me% ,it a fe$ $ords s e barred me from t e domain t at s e seemed so arro#antly to des!ise and $ ic bears a red and "isceral name1 t e eart%

9 e also barred me from t e ca"ern of odors( of colors( t e secret refu#e $ ere surely frolic&ed a !o$erful arabes3ue of fles ( a ci! er of limbs ent$ined( symbolic mono#ram of t e Ine-orable% % % In t at $ord Ine-orable( I #at er to#et er t e s eaf of !o$ers to $ ic $e a"e been unable to #i"e a better name t an )t e senses%) T e senses2 , y not the sense2 T at $ould offend no one and $ould suffice% The sense, dominatin# t e fi"e inferior senses( for let t em "enture far from it and t ey $ill be called bac& $it a 6er&'li&e t ose delicate and stin#in# ribbons( !art $eed( !art arm( dele#ated by a dee!*sea creature to O A intractable( lordly senses( as intractable and i#norant as t e !rinces of by#one days $ o learned only $ at $as indis!ensable1 to dissimulate( to ate( to command5 4et it is you t at C arlotte eld in c ec&( couc ed beneat t e 3uiet ni# t soot ed by o!ium( assi#nin# arbitrary limits to your em!ire% % % but is t ere anyone( not e"en e-ce!tin# C arlotte( $ o can fiyour unstable frontiers2 I flattered myself t at C arlotte( $ o sou# t my a!!ro"al( mi# t also try to enlist my sym!at y% But not in# of t e sort a!!ened% At t e a!!roac of da$n s e !unctiliously returned to banalities by $ay of t$o or t ree rat er c armin# common!laces( suc as )T e only really masterful sound a man ma&es in a ouse is $ en( on t e entrance landin#( e fumbles $it is &ey in t e loc& of t e door% % %) , en s e stood u! to #o( I remained lyin# on my little mattress( !retendin# to slee!% 9 e fastened er coat collar un urriedly and carefully at er round t roat( t e refu#e of t at dece!ti"e $arblin#( and t e red s!ar&s left er lar#e eyes as s e !ulled do$n a fine "eil o"er er face before #oin# out% Ho$ many s ado$s still conceal er% % % It is not for me to dis!el t em% , en I t in& of C arlotte( I embar& u!on a driftin# sou"enir of ni# ts #raced neit er by slee! nor by certitude% T e "eiled face of a $oman( refined( disillusioned( is a suitable !reface to t is boo& $ ic $ill treat sadly of sensual !leasure%

I ne"er ad to #o out of my $ay to be let in on masculine secrets% T e a"era#e man o"erflo$s $it confidential tal& $ en e is $it a $oman $ ose fri#idity or so! istication sets is mind at rest% And it stri&es me t at at a time of life $ en a $oman $ill #o on and on e-ultin#( misty*eyed $it endurin# #ratitude( o"er t e ric es t at a"e sli!!ed t rou# er fin#ers( o"er t e cruelty( t e infamy( t e arro#ance of t e donor( a man at t e same a#e $ill nurse a rancor t at time does not eal% My friend L( a celebrity( ne"er lea"es off is #ood umor and natural reser"e e-ce!t $ en callin# to mind( in intimate con"ersation $it me( is !ast as a celebrated lo"er% )A ( t e bitc es5) e e-claimed one e"enin#% )I $as ne"er s!ared a sin#le embrace by any of t em%) .He did not say )embrace() but used a blunter term t at refers to t e terrible !aro-ysm of male se-ual satisfaction%/ Rarely a"e I encountered in a $oman t e &ind of ostility $it $ ic a man re#ards t e mistresses $ o a"e e-!loited im se-ually% T e $oman( on t e contrary( &no$s erself to be an almost ine- austible store of !lenty for t e man% % % Am I( t en( #oin# to find myself( in t e first !a#es of a boo&( declarin# t at men are of less use to $omen t an $omen are to men2 ,e s all see% But let me return to t e famous lo"er I a"e 6ust 3uoted% Fi&e most men ca!able of ser"icin# .if I may !ut it t at $ay/ a #reat many $omen( !ossession( $ ic is li# tnin# 3uic&( !ro"o&ed in im a $retc ed feelin# of o!elessness't e neurast enia of t e DanaPds% If I understood im ri# tly( e could a"e $is ed to find at lon# last a $oman $ o $ould lo"e im enou# to refuse erself to im% But it is ard for a $oman to refuse erself% And besides( at t e moment $ en our con3ueror #lim!sed t e "eritable !ur!ose of lo"e and t e !ure and burnin# s!ace t at unites( better t an t e bonds of fles ( t$o !erfect lo"ers( e $as sei+ed by desire so stron#ly t at e flun# t e ob6ect of is lo"e to t e floor and !ossessed er on t e s!ot% )A ( $ at a life5) e sometimes si# ed% I a"e al$ays #reatly a!!reciated is confidin# in me and I o!e our confidential tal&s are not ended% As a rule( $e c oose for our rende+"ous a 3uiet( !ri"ate dinin# room in a first*class restaurant in t e center of to$n( t e buildin# an ancient one $it t ic& $alls t at do not "ibrate% ,e dine li&e #ourmands( after $ ic my friend L !aces u! and do$n( smo&es( and tal&s% Accasionally e raises t e ball*frin#ed curtain and loo&s out% An t e ot er side of t e #lass a!!ears a stri! of Paris( animated and silent( callin# to mind a s$arm of fireflies on a la&e of as! alt( and I am en"elo!ed in t e facile

illusion of dan#er lur&in# in t e ni# t outside( of safety $it in t e old $alls $arm $it secrets% T at feelin# of security increases as I listen to t e man $ o is tal&in#( for mine is t e "ery uman !leasure of $itnessin# catastro! es% I am fond of t is man( $ o from time to time re"eals imself to me( but I am also "ery fond of seein# im denuded and ste$in# in is boilin# caldron7 besides( e refrains from callin# out for el!% ,it t e !assin# years( e s o$s si#ns of t e neurosis t at dis onors t e "olu!tuary1 t e obsession $it statistics1 )T ere0s no ar#uin# t e fact() says e( )my a"era#e is lo$er% But after all( no one could care less t an I do%) And t en e ra#es once more a#ainst )t ose little bitc es t at &ee! score on a man%) I tal& to im( t en( about Don Juan and tell im I0m sur!rised t at e as not yet $ritten a Don Juan no"el or !lay( and e #i"es me a com!assionate loo&( s ru#s( and c aritably informs me t at )!eriod !lays) are as out of fas ion as ca!e*and*s$ord romances% And suddenly e e-!oses t e c ild idden in t e eart of e"ery !rofessional $riter( a c ild obstinately infatuated $it tec ni3ue( flauntin# t e tric&s and $iles of is trade% His !retended cynicism mar"elously re6u"enates im( and I let im run on% Ance I confessed to im t at I $as t in&in# of $ritin# a !lay on t e sub6ect of Don Juan #ro$n old( a !art desi#ned for t e a#in# actor Hdouard de Ma-% )Don0t do it( my dear() e ur#ently ad"ised% ), y not2) )4ou aren0t sufficiently Parisian% 4our conce!t of Don Juan( my dear' $ y( I can 6ust see it% , at $ould it add to t e ot er conce!ts of Don Juan2 A !leasant acrimony( a #reat s o$ of #ra"ity on licentious sub6ects( and to end u! $it ( you0d find some $ay or ot er of insertin# a das of rustic !oetics% % % Don Juan is a ac&neyed ty!e( but no one as e"er understood im at all% :undamentally( Don Juan% % %) At t is !oint( of course( my famous collea#ue e-!ounded is o$n conce!t of Don Juan( $ o( to ear im tal&( $as a serious*minded tem!ter( a &ind of di!lomat of anne-ation( $ o seduced a $oman tactfully and $as soon bored% )Don Juan( belie"e me( my dear( $as anot er one of t ose men $ o t in& only of ta&in#( anot er one of t ose #ras!in# men $ ose $ay of #i"in# is no better t an $ at t ey #i"e% Af course( I0m s!ea&in# from t e "olu!tuary0s !oint of "ie$%)

)Af course%) ), y 0of course02) )Because $ en you tal& about Don Juan you ne"er tal& about lo"e% T e business of numbers #ets in your $ay% T at0s not your fault( but% % %) He #a"e me a s ar! loo&% )% % % but suc is your tendency%) T e our $as late and t e cold of a streamin# $et ni# t see!ed bet$een t e curtains( $ ic $ere fastened to#et er $it a safety !in% At er$ise( I $ould a"e tal&ed to my friend about my o$n conce!t of Don Juan% But L $as already #loomy at t e t ou# t of t e ne-t day( $orryin# about is $or& and is !leasures( es!ecially t e latter( because t ere comes a time in life $ en one feels on safer #round alone t an $ en tryin# to find !leasures $it anot er% T e rain ad sto!!ed $ en $e !arted( and I announced t at I $anted to #o ome alone and on foot% My friend t e seducer $ent off $it t e c aracteristic stride of a lon#*le##ed man( and loo&in# "ery andsome( I t ou# t% A Don Juan2 If you li&e% If t e ladies li&e% % % But t is Don Juan is obsessed $it is re!utation and !ays t e !rice of is "anity $it t e !unctuality of a timid debtor% ,e sa$ eac ot er a#ain not lon# after$ard% He $as loo&in# tense( i# *strun#1 is features can a#e in a 3uarter of an our and be re6u"enated in fi"e minutes% 4out and old a#e come to im from t e same source1 t e eyes( t e mout ( t e body of a $oman% In t irty*fi"e years of orderly $or& and disorderly !leasures( e as ne"er found time to be re6u"enated by rest% , en e allo$s imself a "acation( e ta&es is !oisons alon# $it im% )I0m #oin# a$ay() e said% )T at0s #ood%) He #lanced at is reflection mirrored in a s o! $indo$% )4ou t in& I loo& tired2 I am%) )Tired of $ om2) )A ( all of t em( t e s e*de"ils% % % Fet0s a"e some oran#eade% Here( or fart er on% % % $ ere"er you li&e%) , en $e $ere seated( e !ut u! is and to smoot is sil"er*#ray air%

)0T e s e*de"ils(0) I re!eated% )Ho$ many are t ere( for #oodness0 sa&e2) )T$o% T at sounds li&e not in#( t$o% % %) He bra+ened it out( lau# in# and $rin&lin# is bi# classic nose( t e ty!ical nose of a $oman0s man% )Do I &no$ t em2) )4ou &no$ one of t em( t e one I call Ancient History% T e ot er is ne$%) )Pretty2) )A ( indeed5) e e-claimed( tossin# is ead and rollin# u! is eyes so you could see only t e $ ites% T is facial e- ibitionism is one of is traits t at I disli&e% )9 e0s a Ta itian &ind of beauty() e $ent on% )At ome( s e #oes about $it er air an#in# loose do$n er bac&( air as lon# as t at( a mane of air flo$in# do$n o"er t at len#t of red sil& s e $ra!s around er body% % %) His e-!ression c an#ed( e sto!!ed rollin# is eyes% )It0s all umbu#( s am( a fiction( of course() e added sa"a#ely% )I0m not ta&en in% But s e0s 3uite s$eet% I0m not dissatisfied $it er% It0s t e ot er one% % %) )9 e0s 6ealous2) He #a"e me a esitant loo&% )Jealous2 A ( t at one is a real demon% Do you &no$ $ at s e0s done2 Ha"e you any notion $ at s e0s done2) )4ou0re #oin# to tell me%) )9 e0s ta&en u! $it t e ne$ one( t ey0re bosom friends% Ancient History tal&s about me to t e ne$ one% T at dis#ustin# $ay t ey a"e of tellin# eac ot er e"eryt in#5 9 e describes our lo"e*ma&in#( our 0amours0 as s e calls it( and of course burles3ues it into an or#y% 9 e recalls e"eryt in# and ma&es u! t e rest% After $ ic t e Ta itian beauty% % %) )% % % e-!ects to #et as muc out of you% % %) He loo&ed at me $it a ne$ and sad umility% )4es%)

)My dear man( allo$ me to as& a 3uestion% ,it t e Ta itian #irl( is it real sensuality or merely at letic !ro$ess and a s!irit of com!etition2) My celebrated friend c an#ed countenance% I ad t e !leasure of seein# a $ ole series of e-!ressions a!!ear on is features'defiance( cunnin#( e"ery nuance of !rimordial ostility% He fi-ed is eyes u!on t e distant and in"isible ad"ersary and ble$ out is c ee&s% )Poo 5) e scoffed% )T at0s an old story( I can andle it% A 3uestion of do# eat do#% And as for er sensuality( I0m culti"atin# it% 9 e0s youn#( s e0s rec&less( you &no$% It0s rat er amusin#% % %) He t re$ out is c est and $as a#ain a man of distinction% )Any$ay( t e #irl is( $ en e-cited and dis e"eled( a mar"elous si# t% , at s!lendor% % %) T ere is a s ort scene in t e !lay C$limare le *i$naime $ ere t e lo"er( urriedly s ut into an ad6oinin# room by is mistress as er usband a!!ears( &ic&s and !ounds t e loc&ed door% ), at0s t at2) t e usband as&s% )Not in#% % % 9ome $or&men are re!airin# t e c imney ne-t door() stammers t e tremblin# $ife% )But t is is intolerable5 Pitois() e says to t e old di!lomatic footman( )$ill you !lease #o and tell t ose fello$s to ma&e a little less noise5) Pitois esitates( t en says( in embarrassment( )9ir( t ose fello$s don0t loo& "ery accommodatin#%) )A yes2) says t e usband% )9o you0"e #ot cold feet2 ,ell( t en( I0ll attend to it myself%) He a!!roac es t e loc&ed door and s outs $it all is mi# t1 )A little less noise( you t ere5 ,e can0t ear oursel"es t in&5) A orrified silence% )T at0s t e $ay( Pitois() says t e usband( )t at0s t e $ay to tal& to $or&men% I can do it myself%) U!on $ ic Pitois #oes out( after t is aside1 )I0m #oin#% I really feel sorry for im%) I $as misc ie"ously recallin# t ese lines of Pitois as I sat t ere facin# my friend L( $ o $as claimin# "ictory o"er a silly #irl( insatiable and rec&less% I smiled to myself and c an#ed( or at least a!!eared to c an#e( t e sub6ect% )I understand t at you are !re!arin# a $arm rece!tion for your collea#ue from t e Nort 2) L bri# tened u!( for e is by nature ent usiastic and for some time no$ as left be ind im all !rofessional 6ealousies% )4ou mean Maasen2 4es( indeed% A #reat man5 I intend to a"e a front* !a#e !iece on im in t e (ournal. T ere $ill be a ban3uet and s!eec es( all

"ery i# *flo$n and umbu#% I $ould li&e to see t e AcadImie mobili+e t e best it as for im% A #reat man( "ery #reat% And you0ll see( is !olitical career as 6ust started% He as e"eryt in#% He0s one of t ose men I call 0t e $ell*endo$ed%0 He as an e-traordinary animal ma#netism( a andsome ead( sil"er t reads amon# t e #old no$( of course( but t ere0s still a loo& of yout about im% % %) )4es( I &no$% I e"en &no$% % % T ey say t at% % %) )T ey say $ at2 Affairs $it $omen2) )Naturally% T ey say% % % Fean o"er( I can0t s out t is sort of t in#5) I $ is!ered a fe$ $ords in my friend0s ear% He re!lied $it a lon# $ istle% )By Jo"e5 But $ at documentation( my dear5 T ose are im!ressi"e fi#ures% , o #a"e t em to you2) )An t is &ind of information( all sources are sus!ect%) ),ell said%) He strai# tened u! and buttoned is coat li&e an offended man about to c allen#e anot er to a duel% His bro$n*#old eyes eld a $ic&ed #leam% )A ( t ose Nordics5) e 6o&ed% )I0d 6ust li&e to see t em% % %) 9uddenly conscious of betrayin# ill umor( e tried to co"er u!% )All t e same( I don0t see o$ t is% % % ornamental detail can be of interest% , en $e are concerned $it a man li&e Maasen( t at ma#nificent uman edifice() e added( $it #ross irritation( )I don0t care $ et er or not t e edifice includes a room $it mirrors and t e a!!urtenances of a brot el% % %) )Af course() I said% He !aid for our t$o oran#eades and !ic&ed u! is #lo"es and stic&% )At any rate() I said( )you0ll let me &no$( I o!e%) )Fet you &no$ $ at2) ), y( of Maasen0s arri"al% I0d li&e to tal& to im%) )A 5 4es% Muite% A rat er &een little $ind t is( isn0t it2) )A $ind from t e Nort % % %)

He ac&no$led#ed t is mediocre t rust( #i"in# me a !iercin# loo&% )Hea"ens() e said( )you t in& I0m a little more t an 6ealous of Maasen( don0t you5 All t e same( I0"e not yet sun& so lo$ as to indul#e in ! ysical 6ealousies5) I s oo& my ead in denial and affectionately !atted is bristly sio0cloc& c ee&% )My dear man() I felt li&e sayin#( )is t ere suc a t in# as non! ysical 6ealousy2) He $ent off( and it $as to is s$in#in# bac&( is e-a##eratedly lon# stride( and to is at t at I addressed myself mentally% Es!ecially t e at( t e si#nificant( informati"e( inconstant( !er!le-in# at5 :or a boyis loo&( e sets it too muc on one side7 for a bo emian loo&( it0s tilted too far bac&7 and $ en it0s tilted too far for$ard( t at means( ),atc out( $e0re sensiti"e and can be tou# ( let no one tread on our toes%) In sum( a at t at refuses to #ro$ old% T us once a#ain L and I !layed at a$a&in# t e ec oes of t at ful#urant clima- of !ossession( t e !aro-ysm $a##is ly called le plaisir or( eu! emistically( )satisfaction)'nomenclatures I must ado!t( t ou# un$illin#ly% ,e can tal& about it( !er a!s( because it as ne"er t reatened us to#et er( ne"er !inned one u!on t e ot er7 or !er a!s because my friend lets me see( in is fine )courts i! !luma#e) $ ic e so fre3uently dons( t e bald s!ots and t e cli!!ed 3uills% % % ,e a"e our abits% ,e be#in by tal&in# a little about our $or&( about t e !eo!le !assin# by( about t e dead( about yesterday and today( and $e com!ete $it eac ot er in !leasant incom!atibility1 )No( t e $ay I see it( not at all% An t e contrary( I% % %) )Ho$ stran#e( I old a diametrically o!!osite o!inion% % %) It needs a $ord or a name and $e fall a#ain into our abitual !ile of cinders( blac& for t e most !art( but #lo$in# red ere and t ere% E-ce!t for t e fact t at e is t e one $ o tal&s and more often t an not I am t e one $ o listens( I feel as res!onsible as e( since( from t e minute e first sets is feet in t e i#nited traces( I follo$ im and e"en #oad im on% Ha"in# #one beyond t e limit one day( e e-!ostulated% )Too muc as been said and too muc $ritten about t is% I #a# at all t e literature t at deals $it t e consummation of lo"e( do you ear me( it ma&es me "omit5) ,it my fist eld in is fist( e !ounded t e table% )It0s time you did() I said% )4ou s ould a"e "omited on it before $ritin# your s are%)

)And $ at about you2) )A ( t at0s somet in# else a#ain5 I do myself t is 6ustice1 I0"e al$ays $aited( before describin# t e confla#ration( to be a little at a distance( cool and in a safe s!ot% , ereas you% % % In t e "ery midst of sufferin#( in t e "ery midst of 6oy( o dear( it0s indecent%) He nodded soberly in a#reement( flattered% )4es( yes() e murmured% ), at an aberration5) He smiled as if e $ere t$enty*fi"e( $it a fei#ned sadness and a fei#ned umility t at $ere c armin#% )I a"e be a"ed li&e t ose s i!$rec&ed "oya#ers $ o !itc into t e car#o and #or#e t emsel"es until t ey can eat no more% And t ey eat no more( for not in# is left( and $ at $ill t ey eat tomorro$2) )E-actly( my dear man( e-actly% But in"ariably somet in# $ill be found $ en t e need is felt'a barrel of anc o"ies at t e bottom of t e old( or a case of dried beef( or a 3uantity of #ra!efruit and coconuts% % %) He s ru#s% He meditates% He tal&s% He tal&s about it. I learn o$ e o"er$ elms $omen $it letters( tele#rams( tele! one calls% He laments( e $aits at a s!a( e ides on a 9$iss mountainto!( e ma&es and endures innumerable scenes( emer#in# from it all steamin#( as if from a ot bat ( t inner and re#enerated% T ere is not in# of Byronic #loom about im% Rat er( e0s a $ar orse( e rears and c ar#es a#ainst $ at e does not com!re end% He is full of "oices t at are t e ec o of is o$n "oice% He is too im!ortant for t e $omen not to feel t e need to imitate im( too masculine to elude t e #irl $ o !uts on a s o$ of bein# terribly naP"e% T e #irl $ould ne"er be able to fool you( Don Juan( my Don Juan as I see you5 , en I ad t e darin# idea of ma&in# &no$n my )conce!t of Don Juan() Hdouard de Ma- $as still ali"e% He is dead no$( and I no lon#er consider $ritin# t e !lay in $ ic I $anted im to ta&e t e leadin# !art% )Hdouard() I said to im( ) o$ do you feel about it2) )I0m too old( my dear%) )E-actly% But for my !lay I need to a"e you old%) )T en I0m not old enou# for t e !art% 4ou0"e urt my feelin#s%) T e e-!ression in t e blue*#reen*#old eyes and t e sound of is "oice cast a s!ell%

)But I also need to a"e you "ery seducti"e%) ),ell( t at I can still be( t an& ;od% 4out is not t e time to seduce( it is t e time to be seduced% , at does your Don Juan do in t e !lay2) )Not in# yet( t e !lay isn0t $ritten% And not muc $ en it is $ritten% I mean to say( e doesn0t ma&e lo"e'or at any rate( only a "ery little%) )Bra"o5 Is it indis!ensable to ma&e lo"e2 A ( it0s all ri# t to do it( but only $it $omen to $ om one feels indifferent%) I am 3uotin# Ma- fait fully( for t e !leasure of !uttin# is $ords beside t ose of a #reat lo"er( :rancis Carco( t e no"elist% Just listen no$ to Carco1 )A () e si# s in moments of sim!licity and #loom( )a man s ould ne"er #o to bed $it a $oman e lo"es( t at s!oils e"eryt in#% % %) And I $ant furt er to 3uote C arles 9%1 )T e difficult t in# is not so muc to obtain a $oman0s ultimate fa"ors( but rat er( once s e as yielded to our desires( to !re"ent er from settin# u! ouse&ee!in# $it us% , at else can $e do but run2 Don Juan as s o$n us t e $ay%) )Hdouard() I $ent on( )you0"e #ot to understand me%) )I0m afraid I $ill() Ma- a#reed( and is c armin# smile lost all its #aiety% )Ha"en0t I already understood2) I e-!lained my famous !ro6ect and re!eated t e name Don Juan t$enty times% ,it out our bein# a$are of it( t e $armt and ma#ic of t at name $o"e a s!ell1 Hdouard0s e-!ression c an#ed as( mentally( e assumed t e role% I could see is li!s com!ress( is dee!*set eyes s!ar&le blue and #old( t e colors of t e $ater salamander7 I $as a$are of is ma#nificent mane of air tremblin# as e mo"ed is s oulders( and could see is and #radually reac for t e ilt of a s$ord% % % )4ou see( after t e a#e of fifty( Don Juan% % %) T e inter"al of a dress re earsal at t e T IQtre Mari#ny s ed an unflatterin# li# t on us and on t e #ardens( t e acid( cold #reen of s!rin#time% It $as t ere( for t e last time( t at I !romised Ma- t at e s ould create t e !art of a miso#ynous Don Juan% )Ma&e aste() e said to me% Alas( e $as more !rom!t t an I and descended fore"er to$ard t e $a"erin# secondary c aracters $it $ om I ad not yet ad time to !air im off% I ad already decided t at around im( around Don Juan in is maturity( t ere s ould be as many $omen as !ossible( and for t e most !art youn#( and t at e $ould detest t em% :or I counted on ta&in# as my model a man &no$n to

me( and $ o no doubt is still more or less ali"e some$ ere or ot er% As for t at man( it too& me 3uite a $ ile( some years a#o( to see t at e $as Don Juan( because $ at little e ad to say about $omen $as offensi"e% A !ersistent yout fulness clun# to is features( $it out im!ro"in# is loo&s( and indeed it $as rat er a curse% Besides( e ad no need of it% I can0t fi#ure out $ et er $omen $ere dra$n strai# t to is eyes( bat ed in a false and saline mistiness li&e #ray oysters( or to is li!s( al$ays s ut o"er is small and re#ular teet % All I can say is( t ey $ere dra$n strai# t to im% , ere e $as concerned( t ey at once ac3uired t e set !ur!ose of somnambulists and bruised t emsel"es a#ainst im as if a#ainst a !iece of furniture( to suc an e-tent did t ey seem not to see im% T ey $ere t e ones $ o desi#nated im to me by is true name( Don Juan% ,it out t em( I $ould ne"er a"e t ou# t of a!!lyin# t at name( of umble ori#in really( born of a "ery fe$ !a#es( but eternal( for no ot er name in any lan#ua#e as e"er su!!lanted it% Ane of is most stri&in# c aracteristics $as t e fact t at e ne"er urried% ;olf( tennis( ridin# &e!t is dia! ra#m flat and is muscles in trim% But I confessed to im my sur!rise t at( e-ce!t for #ames( e $as al$ays last to arri"e at functions $ ere !oliteness or t e obli#ation to be !leasant s ould a"e been is #uide% )It0s not out of la+iness() e re!lied "ery seriously( )but to maintain my di#nity%) I lau# ed and all too readily a#reed $it is ri"als( $ o sneered at t e off and attitude of t is man $ o $as more successful $it $omen t an t ey% )T at imbecile( t at idiot of a Damien% % %) I am ere besto$in# u!on im a name $ ic recalls is true name( a rat er old*fas ioned one% % % Fater on( $ ile I $as $or&in# on Ch$ri, I tried to !ersuade myself t at Damien( youn#( could a"e ser"ed as model for me( but I soon sa$ t at Damien( a stiff and rat er limited sort( $as far from a"in# t e indul#ent $ imsicality( t e im!udence and boyis ness indis!ensable to C Iri% T ey ad not in# in common e-ce!t a similar melanc oly( and a &een intuiti"eness( e-traordinary in Damien% Ane day e s o$ed me( in confidence and out of "ain#lory( t e cabinet $ ere e &e!t is letters from $omen% It $as a tall !iece of furniture( im!ressi"e beneat its bron+e a!!li3ues( and $as !ro"ided $it a undred little dra$ers%

)Anly a undred5) I e-claimed% )T e dra$ers are subdi"ided inside() Damien re!lied( $it t e solemnity t at ne"er left im% )And do $omen still $rite letters2) )4es( t ey $rite% A #reat many do( really a #reat many%) )Muite a fe$ men a"e assured me t at $omen no$adays merely use t e tele! one( reinforced by a fe$ petits *leus+ )T e men to $ om $omen don0t $rite no$adays are sim!ly men to $ om $omen don0t $rite( !eriod%) I li&ed bein# $it im( as I li&e bein# $it s$ift animals $ o are motionless $ en at rest% He tal&ed little( and I belie"e e $as second*rate in e"eryt in# e-ce!t t e !erformance of is mission on eart % , en I finally o"ercame is mistrust( I $as #reatly edified by is sententious and 3uasi* meteorolo#ical manner% It $as almost identical to t at of country !eo!le $ o forecast t e $eat er( understand t e tem!er of animals and t e intentions of t e $ind'I belie"e I need loo& no furt er for t e secret of our a!!arently un6ustifiable friends i!% To amuse and astonis me( e &e!t me informed as to o$ e )lured) $omen to t eir fall( one misste! after anot er% Please note t at( unli&e is ancestor( e did not seduce cloistered little ninnies( $ inin# little Cat olic !ussycats( $arm and $eaned% It too& little !ro$ess( certainly( to seduce InIs5 I $as dumbfounded( o$e"er( at t e monotony and sim!licity of t e amorous maneu"ers% Bet$een Damien and t e $omen t ere $as not t e sli# test int of di!lomacy% It $as rat er a 3uestion of merely !ronouncin# t e ma#ic $ord( )A!en sesame5) I belie"e e concealed a rat er modest family bac&#round% T is $ould e-!lain is a#reeably e-a##erated reser"e( is discreet "ocabulary% His successes $ere neit er retarded nor reduced by t is7 on t e contrary( since a #reat many $omen a"e a secret a"ersion to men of #entle birt % At t e ris& of bein# t ou# t older t an e $as( e did not use t e current slan#% , en $e establis ed our friends i!( Damien $as becomin# almost as ard on imself as on )t em() is $omen% Ald a#e( declinin# !o$ers( and ! ysical decre!itude $ere condemned by im accordin# to t e code of t e !rimiti"es $ o &ill off t e a#ed and e-ecute t e infirm% Merciless'in a $ell*mannered $ay%

I !ut some 3uestions t at must a"e seemed rat er naP"e'for instance( t e follo$in# e-c an#e% ), at memory( Damien( do you belie"e you left $it t e $omen( $it most of t em2) His #ray eyes( $ ic $ere usually alf closed( no$ o!ened $ide% ), at memory2 , y( $it out a doubt( a feelin# of not a"in# ad 3uite enou# %) T e tone of is re!ly s oc&ed me( alt ou# it $as too curt for me to notice at once its fatuity% I sur"eyed t is cold man( $ o $as not at all affected( $ ose #ood loo&s $ere not in t e least banal or standardi+ed% T e only fla$s I could find in is ! ysi3ue $ere is ands and feet( $ ic $ere too small and dainty( a detail t at I find im!ortant% As for is #ray eyes and dar& air( t at is a contrast t at "i"idly stri&es us $omen and $e say( com!lacently( t at it is a si#n of a stron# c aracter% T e man of stron# c aracter dei#ned to add a fe$ $ords1 ), et er I ad t em at once or let t em lan#uis a little( I ad to lea"e t em t e minute I $as sure t ey $ould blame me for ruinin# t em% T at about sums it u!%) I &no$ t at e"ery metier be#ets its !articular lies and litanies( but e"en so( I listened to Damien incredulously% )I ad to% % %) But $ y did e a"e to2 I !ut t e 3uestion% He re!lied in is usual firm "oice( is usual dry manner( as if e $ere !redictin# t e bad $eat er to be e-!ected at t e ne-t full moon( or a de"astatin# scour#e of cater!illars% )4ou surely $ouldn0t e-!ect me to dedicate myself to t eir a!!iness( once I $as sure of t em2 Besides( if I ad s!ent my time ma&in# lo"e( I $ould ne"er a"e been t e Don Juan I $as and am%) I recall t at t is instruction $as im!arted to me bet$een midni# t and t$o o0cloc& in t e mornin#( in one of t ose un!redictable to$ns $ ere dar&ness is t e #lacial o!!osite of dayli# t and $ ere only t e ni# t ma&es one a$are of t e nearness and attraction of t e sea% Damien and I $ere drin&in# a s$eetis oran#eade dro$ned $it $ater( a otel oran#eade( an end*of*t e*season oran#eade( and $ere sittin# beneat t e #lass roof of a otel lobby Damien ad come to my dressin# room to fetc me after my

!antomime act% )I0m in t is to$n rusticatin#() e ad briefly e-!lained( usin# a $ord t at $as out of date% He abstained from alco ol% )It brin#s #ray airs() e said( leanin# o"er is #oblet to s o$ is dar& air( $ ic $as rat er !lentifully t readed $it #ray( #listenin# li&e aluminum% He si!!ed is oran#eade t ou# tfully t rou# a stra$( and as my eyes rested on is fine mout ( I reflected t at t ere $as somet in# about it t at aroused ideas of s$eetness( of slee!( somet in# secret and #entle and sad'and still yout ful% And I remembered t e ada#e1 )A &issed mout ne"er #ro$s old%) I a"e often t ou# t about t is man $ o ad neit er $it nor #aiety nor t e disarmin# coarseness t at $omen find deli# tful and reassurin#% His only asset $as is function% I a"e tried to !ersuade myself a undred times t at not in# in im stirred my senses( only to admit a undred times t at t is $as only a !art of t e trut ( t e !lain and s ort( t e meanin#less !art of t e trut % )4ou ad to lea"e t em() I re!eated% )But $ y2 Is "ictory all you $ant2 Ar( on t e contrary( is t is "ictory of no im!ortance to you2) He turned my 3uestion o"er in is mind% T en( as if it ad reac ed im from a lon# $ay off( e cla!!ed t e !alms of is ands to#et er and forcefully interlaced is fin#ers% I e-!ected im to let out a torrent of abuse( to s!ea& out( to say no matter $ at% I $anted im to #i"e $ay to an#er( to ma&e some &ind of ro$ t at $ould !ro"e im to be illo#ical( $ea&( and feminine'$ at e"ery $oman $ants e"ery man to be at least once in is life% I $anted to see im roll u! is eyes !at etically( $anted im to s o$ t e u#ly em!ty $ ites( instead of t ose eyelids li&e s utters( slanted do$n( cautious( s elterin# t e !roud and re!ro"in# #a+e of is lo$ered eyes% Not in# t at I $anted to a!!en a!!ened% Instead( Damien be#an to tal& 3uietly( in s ort and abru!t ! rases t at I $ould be ard !ut to recall and $rite do$n( because t e meanin# of $ords cannot be se!arated from t eir sound or from t e monotonous deli"ery( $it fre3uent !auses( $ ic el!ed Damien at times to ide and at ot ers to e-!ress t e dee!est resentment% Not for a moment did e lose t e least di#nity( at any rate t e ! ysical di#nity of a man accustomed to li"e is life in !ublic% He did not let out any of t e crude old $ords t at $e all carry in our subconscious since our c ild ood( since our sc ooldays% He named no one and committed only one error of taste( t e casual reference to is mistresses in mentionin# t e title or ran& or social !osition of t eir usbands or !rotectors% )% % % 9 e $as t e dear and close friend of a #reat industrialist% % %) )Her usband $as a !eer of t e realm% % %) );ood ;od( you can0t ima#ine o$ borin# a Bal&an #rain dealer

can be to a $oman5) He tal&ed for a lon# time% My otel dar&ened7 in t e late ours $e $ere allo$ed only a reduced li# t $ ic fell from t e i# ceilin#% A ni# t $atc man in correct li"ery but $earin# !re!osterous car!et sli!!ers s uffled across t e all% ),ell no$( !lease tell me() said Damien( )$ at did I #et out of all t is2) Fistenin# is an effort t at a#es t e face( ma&es t e nec& muscles ac e( and stiffens t e eyelids loo&in# fi-edly at t e s!ea&er% It is a &ind of studied debauc % % % Not only t e listenin#( but t e inter!retin#% % % t e ele"atin# to its secret meanin# a litany of dull $ords( !romotin# acrimony to #rief or $ild desire% )By $ at ri# t2 By $ at ri# t did t ey al$ays #et more out of it t an I did2 If only I could doubt t at t ey did5 But I ad only to loo& at t em% T eir satisfaction $as all too real% T eir tears( as $ell% But t eir satisfaction es!ecially% % %) At t is !oint e did not indul#e in any di#ression on t e bold immodesty of females% But im!erce!tibly e t re$ out is c est( as if to s a&e off $ at in effect e $as seein# in is mind( li&e$ise )subdi"ided inside%) )T ey allo$ us to be t eir master in t e se- act( but ne"er t eir e3ual% T at is $ at I cannot for#i"e t em%) He too& a dee! breat ( !leased at a"in# so clearly rid imself of t e essential moti"e of is lon#( lo$*"oiced lament% He turned from one side to t e ot er( as if to call a $aiter( but all t e ni# t life of t e otel ad $it dra$n into a sin#le uman snore( nearby and re#ular% Damien t erefore satisfied imself $it t e rest of t e te!id soda $ater( com!osedly $i!ed is #entle mout ( and smiled s$eetly at me from t e de!t of is $ilderness% T e ni# t !assed o"er im softly( and is "itality seemed to be a !art of a !articular asceticism% % % At t e be#innin# of is confidential tal& e ad successi"ely sin#led out( to s o$ t em off better( t e famous mistress of t e #reat industrialist( t e titled lady( t e actress( but from t en on e used only t e !lural% Fost amon# t em( feelin# is $ay t rou# a cro$d( t rou# a floc&( scarcely #uided by suc landmar&s as a breast( a i!( t e ! os! orescent furro$ of a tear% % % )9ensual !leasure( satisfaction( #ood( yes( satisfaction( t at0s

understood% If anyone in t e $orld &no$s $ at it is( I0m t e one% But beyond t at to% % % No( really( t ey #o too far%) He s oo& out $ at remained of is drin& on t e ru#( li&e a $a#oner in a country inn( and $it out e-cusin# imself% ,ere t ose dro!s of $arm $ater meant to insult a $oman or t e entire in"isible orde t at ad no fear of t e con6uration2 .)T ey #o to far%) T ey #o( to be#in $it ( as far as t e man leads t em( and t e man demands a #reat deal in is conceit( is into-icatin# con"iction t at e is im!artin# an arcane science% T en( t e "ery ne-t day( e says( ), at as become of my innocent #irl of yesterday2) He si# s and e-claims( ), at a"e I in common $it t is s e*#oat at a $itc es0 re"el2)/ )Do t ey really #o so far2) )4ou can belie"e me() e said laconically% )And t ey &ee! #oin#( t ey don0t &no$ o$ to sto!%) He a"erted is eyes in a $ay t at $as c aracteristic( ostensibly( li&e a man $ o( confrontin# an o!en letter( refrains from readin# it for fear of betrayin# on is features $ at e mi# t t us dis onestly find out% )Per a!s it $as your fault% Did you ne"er #i"e a $oman time to #et used to you( to become mollified( to rela-2) ), at in t e $orld5) e scoffed% )Peace( after all t at2 Cucumber cold cream for t e ni# t and t e ne$s!a!ers in bed in t e mornin#2) He stretc ed imself discreetly( is only confession of ner"ous fati#ue% I res!ected is silence( t e elli!tical $ord of a man $ o ad ne"er in is life treated $it t e enemy or laid aside is armor or admitted t e least failure of ener#y'$ ic is a &ind of re!ose'to enter into is lo"e*ma&in#% )In s ort( Damien( you a"e t e same conce!t of lo"e t at used to be c aracteristic of youn# #irls( $ o could not ima#ine a $arrior e-ce!t $it is $ea!on dra$n or a lo"er e-ce!t ready at any moment to !ro"e is lo"e2) )T ere0s somet in# in t at() e conceded( )and on t at score t e $omen I0"e &no$n ne"er a"e ad any reason to com!lain% I educated t em $ell% But as for $ at t ey e"er #a"e me in e-c an#e% % %) He stood u!% I $as afraid of reco#ni+in# in im anot er a##lin# trader( disa!!ointed in a bar#ain'for I ad met and &no$n one else$ ere and at closer ran#e% I $as afraid of findin# t e ans$er to is riddle and of a"in# Don Juan c an#e before my eyes into merely an unluc&y creditor% I t erefore

urried to re!ly% ), at t ey0"e #i"en you2 , y( I s ould t in&( t eir #rief% 9o you0re not all t at badly !aid after all( are you2) He s o$ed me t en t at e $as neit er #o"erned by is model nor 6ealous of im% )T eir #rief() e re!eated( )yes( t eir #rief% T at0s "ery indefinable% And I don0t a!!reciate it as muc as you t in&% T eir #rief% % % I0m not a mean !erson% I only $is t at I could a"e recei"ed'if only for a moment'as muc as I #a"e%) He started to #o% A#ain I eld im bac&% )Tell me( Damien% % % Aside from t e men I0"e seen you s!ea& to( a"e you any male friends2) He smiled% )A ( really5 They $ouldn0t a"e tolerated it%) Buried beneat t at con#lomeration of $omen( e ad ad no "entilatin# s aft to !ro"ide im $it some fres air% % % But 6ust as I $as about to re#ard t e life of t is man $it orror( I suddenly t ou# t t at any alteration in t e desi#n( any )re!entance) $ould a"e turned a modestly le#endary fi#ure into a !itiful caricature% ;rotes3ue( t e idea of a 6o"ial Damien bein# consoled for is $ic&ed $omen by !als $ o $ould sla! im on t e bac& and #i"e im t eir ad"ice1 ):or#et it% Come alon#( friends i! is% % %) I ad 6ust ima#ined t is final do$nfall $ en Damien reassured me( $it t at se"erity $ ic ( for lac& of ot er "irtues( constituted is self* res!ect% )I a"e not in# to say to men and ne"er ad% Jud#in# from t e little time I0"e s!ent $it t em( t eir usual con"ersation is sic&enin#% Besides( t ey bore me% I belie"e() e esitated( t en concluded( )I belie"e I don0t understand men%) )4ou e-a##erate( Damien% It $ould a"e been different ad you been obli#ed to earn a li"in# and been !ut in daily contact $it men( or if $omen ad ruined you materially% % %) )Ruined2 , y( !lease( ruined2 , at0s money #ot to do $it t e to!ic $e0re discussin#( $ ic ( by t e $ay( as &e!t us u! so late ere'I really $onder $ y%)

He $as losin# !atience and c ec&ed imself% )4ou0"e been told() e $ent on more #ently( )t at t e idea of money ine"itably enters into lo"e affairs% 4ou0"e been told% % %) He smiled( in #ood fettle des!ite t e late our% )Too bad you don0t a"e a son% I $ould a"e tau# t im t e fe$ $ords t at a man li&e me s ould &no$% % %) I !rotested1 )% % % and $ ic $ould a"e doubtless been useless( for I sim!ly cannot see myself $it a son $ o $ould resemble you%) )Ha"e no re#rets() e said $it disobli#in# s$eetness% )Not e"eryone can a"e a son li&e me% I scarcely &no$ more t an t$o or t ree suc men( and t ey are 3uite circums!ect% E"en so( I $ill s!ea& t e fe$ $ords to you( $ ic you0ll not understand1 0;i"e not in#'ta&e not in#%0) I $as dumbfounded% )4ou see() Damien noted #aily( )I0m deli# ted5 I $as al$ays a little afraid you $eren0t any more intelli#ent t an ot er $omen% No$( my dear( I must e-cuse myself for a"in# stayed so lon#%) ),ait() I e-claimed( catc in# im by t e slee"e% )If you $ant to &ee! your !resti#e $it me( e-!lain yourself% I don0t al$ays res!ect $ at I don0t understand% 0;i"e not in#( ta&e not in#%0 , at e-actly do you mean by 0not in#02 Neit er flo$ers nor 6e$els nor ban&notes nor art ob6ects2 Are you t in&in# of *i*elots( #old( credit( furnis in#s( real estate2) He #ra"ely inclined is $ell*s a!ed ead% )E-actly( all t at% It is ard( I admit( not to brea& t e rule% But one soon !ercei"es t at t e bracelet is !oisoned( t e rin# unfait ful( t e card case or t e nec&lace disturbers of dreams( t e sil"er ea#er to land on t e #amblin# table% % %) It $as fun to see im becomin# sententious a#ain( #loryin# in a science e ad in"ented( and as !ositi"e as a "illa#e soot sayer% )9o one s ould neit er #i"e nor recei"e2) I lau# ed% )And if t e lo"er is !oor( is mistress indi#ent( t en bot s e and e must tactfully let t emsel"es and eac ot er die2) )Fet t em die() e re!eated% I ad accom!anied im as far as t e re"ol"in# #lass door of t e lobby% )Fet t em die() e said a#ain% )It0s less dan#erous% I can s$ear on my $ord of onor t at I ne"er #a"e a !resent or made a loan or an e-c an#e of

anyt in# e-ce!t% % % t is% % %) He $a"ed bot ands in a com!licated #esture $ ic fleetin#ly indicated is c est( is mout ( is #enitals( is t i# s% T an&s no doubt to my fati#ue( I $as reminded of an animal standin# on its ind le#s and un$indin# t e in"isible% T en e resumed is strictly uman si#nificance( o!ened t e door( and easily min#led $it t e ni# t outside( $ ere t e sea $as already a little !aler t an t e s&y% I treasure t e memory of t at man% Alt ou# I a"e ne"er lac&ed close friends( rarer in my life a"e been t e friends $ o $ere not close( bet$een $ om and me !assed a sensual current( a mysterious force t at made t em( to be#in $it ( rat er cantan&erous and s!ar&lin#( t en dull( snuffed out li&e a candle% I en6oyed seein# Damien fi-ed in is error'as $e call any fait t at is not ours% Besides( e satisfied t e li&in# I a"e al$ays ad for t e mysterious "oid( and for certain !ri"ile#ed creatures and t eir steadiness in a su!!osedly !arado-ical e3uilibrium( and es!ecially for t e di"ersity and steadfastness of t eir sensual code of onor% Not only onor( but !oetic feelin#( as $ en Damien a!!lied is lyricism to abandonin# is mistresses and lettin# t em die% )Fet t em die() e said( and e said( )I had to lea"e t em%) He $ould a"e been baffled ad I told im .as I ne"er did/ t at in is )I ad to lea"e t em) resided is sim!licity( and t at $ en e t ou# t e $as bein# coldly calculatin#( e $as bein# a !oet and a fatalist% His t an&less and $ell*lo"ed duties s ut im off from e"eryt in# else( and I could a"e learned a lot from im and about im ad e not( in is atred of any contest of $its( !racticed t e em!iricism of t e $ild beast teac in# er youn#1 )Foo&% T is is t e $ay I 6um!( t is is t e $ay you ou# t to 6um!%) ), y2) )Because t is is t e $ay to 6um!%) I lin#er o"er t is memory% If Damien is still ali"e( e is no$ more t an se"enty years old% Has t e time come for is deli"erance2 And once freed( $ at does e amount to2 If e reads t ese lines and t is boo&( in $ ic I o!e to add my !ersonal contribution to t e sum total of our &no$led#e of t e senses( e $ill smile and s ru#( t e tran3uil little #ray* aired #entleman% If in is latter years e as married some stout earted $oman( e $ill &ee! it 3uiet t at e $as Damien1 t is $ill be is last !leasure and is su!reme deed of dar&ness% , at could be t e a"o$able end of Damien( ot er t an a !remature deat 2 But t ere is no !remature deat for a man utterly dedicated to con3uest( solitude( and "ain fli# t1 e is al$ays at an a#e to die% He embodied t at ty!e of man $ om ot er men unanimously refer to

as )a !erson de"oid of all interest%) , en( by c ance( e ad to deal $it ordinary men( e $as al$ays( I noticed( t e one $ o $as embarrassed and momentarily at a disad"anta#e% And if in is !resence t ey told t e usual off* color 6o&es( e barely #a"e a si#n t at e eard% Ho$e"er( surroundin# im t ere $as an e-!andin# +one as subtle as a !erfume( #radually !ercei"ed by t e men !resent( and $it a"ersion% T ey 6ustified t is a"ersion as best t ey could% ), at does t at c aracter o"er t ere do for a li"in#2) one of t em as&ed me( addin#( )I can0t stomac im% I0ll bet e0s a !ederast%) I could ardly &ee! from lau# in# o"er t e $ay t e sus!icious man $as betrayin# is o$n naP"e and e3ui"ocal be a"ior' e $as lim! $it an-iety and as irritable as a !rude on t e !oint of lettin# erself be seduced( as e cast contem!tuous #lances at t e sus!ected man( t e "ery #lances I ad seen one of Damien0s mistresses dart at im before s e succumbed% 9 e( too( ad referred to im as )t at c aracter() to be#in $it % And $ en s e stood u! after sittin# beside im( s e brus ed er s&irt as if to s a&e off some crumbs% T at #esture $as( I felt( almost a morbid tic% )Fea"e er alone() I told Damien% )I0m not doin# anyt in# to er() e re!lied% In fact( e did not in# but o"er in er "icinity and ma&e rat er trite remar&s% And al$ays s e stood u! ner"ously and left( in a telltale $ay( #oin# to$ard t e nearest e-it't e terrace of t e casino( t e frenc $indo$ of t e salon( a #arden #ate% He needed no stron#er int and "acated t e !lace% , en s e returned( s e ine-!licably loo&ed for im7 to be e-act( I di"ined it from t e $ay t e nostrils of er !erfect little nose flared and t e im!atience $it $ ic s e !us ed aside t e em!ty c airs in er $ay% ,atc in# er $as $ at made me belie"e t at all of us in t at man0s !resence scented a deli# tful somet in#( if I may flatter t e atmos! ere surroundin# im by associatin# it $it t e most aristocratic of our fi"e senses( t e olfactory% , at a!!ened later $as t e usual t in#1 t e t$o( of course( became lo"ers( and t e youn# $oman $as alternately radiant and !ale( unsociable and #ay( "isibly a##ard so lon# as s e resisted( das in#ly re6u"enated $ en s e sto!!ed resistin#% And $ en t e our struc& t at indicated( accordin# to Damien and is !articular reli#ion( t at )it $as really necessary) for t e affair to end( s e "anis ed as if Damien ad t ro$n er into a $ell% No doubt in describin# im I am slurrin# t e c aracter of t is dis!enser of !leasure( ill recom!ensed and !robably 3uite inca!able( if e ad so desired( of #i"in# any $oman lastin# a!!iness%

In is o$n $ay e also $ent )too far) $ en e accorded unlimited credit to t e sensual satisfaction t at e #a"e% Can is obsession $it !otency e"er e3ual( for a lo"er( is obsession $it im!otence2 And $ at $ould e a"e said ad e e"er met t e $oman $ o( out of s eer #enerosity( fools t e man by simulatin# ecstasy2 But I need not $orry on t at score1 most surely e encountered C arlotte( and !er a!s more t an once% 9 e !roduced for im er little bro&en cries( $ ile s e turned er ead aside( and $ ile er air "eiled er fore ead( er c ee&( er alf*s ut eyes( lucid and attenti"e to er master0s !leasure% % % T e C arlottes of t is $orld nearly al$ays a"e lon# air% At a time $ en I $as'or t ou# t I $as'insensible to Damien0s attraction( I su##ested t at e and I #o for a "oya#e to#et er( a !air of courteously e#otistic com!anions( accommodatin#( fond of lon# silences% % % )I only li&e to tra"el $it $omen() e re!lied% His #entle tone $as meant to soften t e brutal remar&% But( afraid e ad offended me( e dressed it u! $it a remar& t at $as e"en $orse% )4ou( a $oman2 , y( try as you $ill% % %)

C A C am!ion( $ en defeated by anot er c am!ion( is nonet eless ready to a!!laud a su!erior s!eed( an innate ability to cut t e air and co"er distance% Damien0s remar& urt me for 3uite a $ ile( and since it a!!ened to be one of t e last remar&s e e"er made to me( I ne"er ad t e o!!ortunity to admit to im t at( oddly enou# ( I $as secretly cra"in# 6ust t en to be com!letely a $oman% I am not alludin# to a former self( a !ublic and le#endary fi#ure t at I ad ostentatiously culti"ated and arran#ed as to costume and e-ternal details% I am alludin# to a #enuine mental erma! roditism $ ic burdens certain i# ly com!le- uman bein#s% And if Damien0s !ronouncement "e-ed me( it $as because I a!!ened to be

ma&in# a !articular effort at t e time to rid myself of t is ambi#uity( alon# $it all its fla$s and !ri"ile#es( and to offer t em u!( still $arm( at t e feet of a certain man to $ om I offered a ealt y and 3uite female body and its !er a!s fallacious "ocation of ser"ant% But as for t e man( e $as not ta&en in7 e ad detected t e masculine strea& in my c aracter by some trait of mine I could not identify( and( t ou# tem!ted( ad fled% Fater e returned( full of #rud#es and mistrust% And I did not as yet t in& to !ut to use t e $arnin# Damien ad #i"en me% Af $ at a"ail is it to $arn t e blind2 T e blind trust only t eir o$n $ell*&no$n infallibility and are determined to assume t e full res!onsibility of urtin# t emsel"es% T us I urt myself in my o$n stu!id and fort ri# t $ay% )T ere0s no reason to be so u!set() Mar#uerite Moreno said to me one day% ), y don0t you 6ust acce!t t e fact t at for certain men some $omen re!resent a ris& of omose-uality2) )4ou and I may comfort oursel"es $it t at t ou# t( Mar#uerite( at any rate% But if $ at you say is true( $ o $ill reali+e t at $e are $omen2) )At er $omen% ,omen aren0t offended or deluded by our masculine $it% T in& it o"er% % %) I interru!ted er $it a #esture% ,e ad t e comfortable abit of lea"in# a sentence an#in# mid$ay as soon as one of us ad #ras!ed t e !oint% Mar#uerite Moreno t ou# t I sto!!ed er no$ out of decency( and s e fell silent% No one can ima#ine t e number of sub6ects( t e amount of $ords t at are left out of t e con"ersation of t$o $omen $ o can tal& to eac ot er $it absolute freedom% T ey can allo$ t emsel"es t e lu-ury of c oosin# $ at to say% )A #reat many men a"e a feminine strea& in t eir mental ma&eu!() Moreno continued% )I em! asi+e1 in t eir mental ma&eu!%) )I 3uite understood() I said #loomily% )% % % Because( $ en it comes to morals( t ey are unassailable( t ey are 3uite strict( as a matter of fact5) Amused( I nodded in a#reement% )% % % And t ey are #allant souls( in t e #eneral acce!tance of t e term( t e military $ay of usin# it% But o ( o$ t ey s rie& if a cater!illar #ra+es t em or if a bee flies too close7 and 6ust notice o$ t ey #o !ale at t e "ery

si# t of a bi# blac& coc&roac or t e coc&roac 0s cousin( t e ear$i#% % %) )T em2 Are t ey all t at numerous( Mar#uerite2) 9 e bo$ed er ead $it t at #ra"e( donnis air t at !eo!le $ o a"e seen er films find so comic% )And $ at about us2 , at about us $omen $ o constitute t eir omose-ual ris&2 Are $e e3ually numerous2) ):ar from it( I0m sorry to say% ,it an e3ual( e"en an e3ual in number( one can al$ays #et alon#% I0"e not finis ed% I0"e #ot only as far as t e coc&roac % But a"en0t you noticed( $ en they let t emsel"es #o in a "iolent scene $it a $oman( a"en0t you noticed t at t ey ne"er for#et to &ee! t eir eyes a"erted from t e face of t e $oman t ey0re blac&#uardin#( and focus on er ands2) )And if t ey0re 3uarrelin# $it a man2) )T ey ne"er ma&e scenes $it anot er man% T ey may des!ise and fear t e ot er man( but rat er t an be obli#ed to e-c an#e $ords $it im( t ey !refer to a"e it out in a duel%) I burst out lau# in#'it does one #ood( $ en at a safe distance from t e cla$s t at a"e $ounded us( to lau# at t em( e"en $ en t e old $ounds are still ra$ and #a!in#% )In s ort() t e clair"oyant continued( )if t ey are often deluded by t e e-!ression on our face( t ey can more safely consult( be ind us( t e e-!ression on our bac&% % % A ( o$ beautifully t ey lau# ( and o$ easily t ey $ee!5) 9 e uttered a 9!anis oat and made a face at some memory or ot er% T en s e ya$ned and succumbed to slee!( leanin# er ead a#ainst t e i# * bac&ed armc air% Her stron#( se-less features softened a little as s e san& into t e sudden slee! of all trained $or&ers( $ o &no$ o$ to recou! t eir stren#t by ta&in# a ten*minute na! in t e bus or t e Metro( a 3uarter of an our at re earsals as t ey sit on t e taboret t at $ill ser"e in one scene as a Re#ency des& and in t e ne-t $ill re!resent a flo$erin# ed#e( or beneat t e tro!ical li# ts of t e cinema studios% 9ittin# or leanin#( t ey slee! t e slee! of t e care$orn( t e $eary( t e conscientious $or&er% Aslee!( s e rat er resembled Dante( or a refined idal#o( or Feonardo da Jinci0s 9aint Jo n t e Ba!tist% No$ t at our $oman0s $ealt of air is s orn( $ en our breasts and ands and stomac are idden( $ at remains of our feminine e-teriors2 9lee! brin#s an incalculable number of $omen to assume t e

form t ey $ould no doubt a"e c osen if t eir $a&in# state did not &ee! t em in i#norance of t emsel"es% T e same a!!lies to men% % % A ( t e c arm of a slee!in# man( o$ "i"idly I recall it5 :rom fore ead to mout e $as( be ind is closed eyelids( all smiles( $it t e arc nonc alance of a sultana be ind a barred $indo$% And I $ o $ould $illin#ly a"e been com!letely $oman( com!letely and stu!idly female( $it $ at male $istfulness did I #a+e at t at man $ o ad suc a deli# tful lau# and $ o could res!ond to a beautiful !oem or landsca!e% % % T at man al$ays comes into our li"es more t an once% His second a!!arition is less fri# tenin#( for $e ad t ou# t im uni3ue in t e art of !leasin# and destroyin#7 by rea!!earin#( e loses stature% ;rud#in#ly $e confer u!on im #enerous and noble attributes and ma&e t e ine"itable #estures to $ ic e as t e ri# t( $e em!loy an ant ro!ometry t at renders im common!lace% :as ioned for t e use and t e ostility of $oman( e nonet eless reco#ni+es at a distance( in a man( is o$n s!ecies and t e amiable !eril is o$n s!ecies re!resents( and so e ste!s aside% :or e &no$s t at e is stri!!ed of is !o$ers t e minute a $oman( in tal&in# about im( s ould say )t ey) instead of ) e)% % % )Isn0t it a fact( Mar#uerite( t at a standardi+ed e-ecutioner% % %) But Mar#uerite Moreno $as slee!in#( er con3uistador nose turned to$ard ad"enture% Her dee! slee! #a"e to er mout ( small and firm in er $a&in# state( a !lainti"e loo& of submission% Cautiously I reac ed for a li# t co"erlet and laid it o"er C imDne and Fe Cid( closely united in t e slee! of a sin#le body% T en I resumed my !ost at t e side of a $or&table( $ ere my $oman0s eyes follo$ed( on t e !ale blue bonded !a!er( t e ard and stubby and of a #ardener $ritin#% A $oman needs a fine and rare sincerity and a #ood amount of i# * minded sim!licity to determine $ at it is in er t at ti!s t e scale and adds some standard and a!!ro"ed element to er clandestine se- life% 9incerity is not a s!ontaneous flo$er( nor is modesty eit er% Damien $as t e first to desi#nate( in a $ord( my !lace in t e sc eme of t in#s% I belie"e e assi#ned to me t e !lace of a s!ectator7 e felt I s ould a"e one of t ose c oice seats t at allo$ t e s!ectator( $ en e-cited( to rus out on t e sta#e and( duly sta##erin#( 6oin t e actors and ta&e !art in $ at is #oin# on%

I $as not lon# deluded by t ose ! oto#ra! s t at s o$ me $earin# a stiff mannis collar( nec&tie( s ort 6ac&et o"er a strai# t s&irt( a li# ted ci#arette bet$een t$o fin#ers% Certainly I turned on t em a less !enetratin# loo& t an did t at arrant old demon of !aintin#( Boldini% I sa$ im for t e first time in is studio( $ ere t e #o$n of a bi# unfinis ed !ortrait of a $oman( a satin #o$n of blindin# $ ite'!e!!ermint*lo+en#e $ ite'cau# t and flas ed bac& all t e li# t in t e room% Boldini turned is #riffin face a$ay from t e !ortrait and #a"e me a deliberate stare% )Are you t e one() e said( )$ o !uts on a dinner 6ac&et in t e e"enin#2) )I may a"e done so( for a costume !arty%) )4ou0re t e one $ o !lays t e mime2) )4es%) )And you0re t e one $ o #oes on sta#e $it out ti# ts2 And $ o dances 'cos,, cos,'3uite na&ed2) )I be# your !ardon5 I0"e ne"er a!!eared na&ed on any sta#e% It may a"e been said( and said in !rint( but t e trut is% % %) He $as not e"en listenin#% He lau# ed( s re$dly( insinuatin#ly( and !atted my c ee&% )My( $ at a !ro!er youn# lady $e are() e murmured( )$ at a !ro!er youn# lady $e are5) At once e for#ot me and returned to is $or&( e-!endin#( for t e benefit of t e !e!!ermint*lo+en#e !aintin#( is demonic ener#y in fro#li&e lea!s( #ur#les( s rie&s( in ma#ical brus stro&es( in Italian ballads( and in monolo#ues% )A #rreat meesta&e5 A #rreat meesta&e5) e yel!ed suddenly% He lea!ed bac&$ard( eyed t e )meesta&e() reco"ered is ener#y and #a"e it( as if by sur!rise( a subtle lic& of t e brus % )% % % Meeraculously co*rect*ed5) He !aid no more attention to me% An em!ty #o$n( lac&luster( not 3uite $ ite( $as !osin# for im on an armc air% It $as from t at dull #o$n t at e $as creatin# on t e can"as( stro&e by stro&e( t e $ ites of cream( of sno$( of #la+ed !a!er( of ne$ metal( t e $ ite of t e unfat omable( and t e $ ite of bonbons( a tour de force of $ ites% % % I remember t at my do# Toby

trembled a#ainst my le#s7 e already &ne$ more t an I did( certainly( about t e miss a!en di"inity $ o $as lea!in# about t ere in front of us% % % T e )!ro!er youn# lady() offended( too& di#nified lea"e( ad6usted t e &not of a mannis nec&tie t at ad been im!orted from Fondon( and $ent a$ay( loo&in# as muc as !ossible li&e a bad boy( to re6oin a stran#e com!any of $omen $ o led a mar#inal and timorous life( sustained by an out*of*date form of snobbis ness% Ho$ timid I $as( at t at !eriod $ en I $as tryin# to loo& li&e a boy( and o$ feminine I $as beneat my dis#uise of cro!!ed air% ), o $ould ta&e us to be $omen2 , y( $omen%) T ey alone $ere not fooled% ,it suc distin#uis in# mar&s as !leated s irt front( ard collar( sometimes a $aistcoat( and al$ays a sil& !oc&et and&erc ief( I fre3uented a society !eris in# on t e mar#in of all societies% Alt ou# morals( #ood and bad( a"e not c an#ed durin# t e !ast t$enty*fi"e or t irty years( class consciousness( in destroyin# itself( as #radually undermined and debilitated t e cli3ue I am referrin# to( $ ic tried( tremblin# $it fear( to li"e $it out y!ocrisy( t e breat able air of society% T is cli3ue( or sect( claimed t e ri# t of )!ersonal freedom) and e3uality $it omose-uality( t at im!erturbable establis ment% And t ey scoffed( if in $ is!ers( at )Pa!a) FI!ine( t e Prefect of Police( $ o ne"er could ta&e li# tly t e 3uestion of $omen in men0s clot es% T e ad erents of t is cli3ue of $omen e-acted secrecy for t eir !arties( $ ere t ey a!!eared dressed in lon# trousers and dinner 6ac&ets and be a"ed $it unsur!assed !ro!riety% T ey tried to reser"e for t emsel"es certain bars and restaurants and to en6oy t ere t e #uilty !leasures of bac&#ammon and be+i3ue% T en t ey #a"e u! t e stru##le( and t e sect0s most stubborn !roselytes ne"er crossed t e street or left t eir carria#e $it out !uttin# on( eart !oundin#( a lon# !lain cloa& $ ic #a"e t em an e-cessi"ely res!ectable loo& and effecti"ely concealed t eir masculine attire% At t e ome of t e best*&no$n $oman amon# t em 't e best &no$n and t e most misunderstood'fine $ines( lon# ci#ars( ! oto#ra! s of a smartly turned*out orseman( one or t$o lan#uorous !ortraits of "ery !retty $omen( bes!o&e t e sensual and ra&is life of a bac elor% But t e lady of t e ouse( in dar& masculine attire( belied any idea of #aiety or bra"ado% Pale( $it out blemis or blus ( !ale li&e certain anti3ue Roman marbles t at seem stee!ed in li# t( t e sound of er "oice muffled and s$eet( s e ad all t e ease and #ood manners of a man( t e restrained #estures( t e "irile !oise of a man% Her married name( $ en I &ne$ er( $as still disturbin#% Her friends( as $ell as er enemies( ne"er referred to er e-ce!t by er title and a

c armin# C ristian name( title and name ali&e clas in# $it er stoc&y masculine ! ysi3ue and reser"ed( almost s y manner% :rom t e i# est strata of society( Fa C e"aliDre( as $e s all call er( $as a"in# er flin#( so$in# er $ild oats li&e a !rince% And li&e a !rince( s e ad er counter!arts% Na!oleon III #a"e us ;eor#es Jille( $ o sur"i"ed im for a lon# time% Fa C e"aliDre could not !re"ent t is man*$oman( deat ly !ale( !o$dered( self*asserti"e( from e- ibitin# erself and si#nin# t e same initials as er model% , ere could I find( no$adays( messmates li&e t ose $ o( #at ered around Fa C e"aliDre( em!tied er $ine cellar and er !urse2 Baronesses of t e Em!ire( canonesses( lady cousins of C+ars( ille#itimate dau# ters of #rand*du&es( e-3uisites of t e Parisian bour#eoisie( and also some a#ed orse$omen of t e Austrian aristocracy( and and eye of steel% % % 9ome of t ese ladies fondly &e!t in t eir !rotecti"e and 6ealous s ado$ $omen youn#er t an t ey( cle"er youn# actresses( t e ne-t to t e last aut entic demimondaine of t e e!oc ( a music* all star% % % 4ou eard t em in $ is!ered con"ersation( but to t e #reat disa!!ointment of t e curious ear( t e dialo#ue $as banal% )Ho$ did your lesson #o2 Do you a"e it no$( your C o!in $alt+2) )Ta&e your furs off ere( you $ill #et ot and $on0t be in "oice t is e"enin#% 4es( you &no$ better t an I do( of course% But I studied $it Nilsson( !lease remember t at( my dear% % %) )Tut( tut( my s$eet( one doesn0t cut a baba $it a &nife% % % Ta&e a small for&% % %) )4ou a"e no idea of time( and if I didn0t t in& for you( my !et% % % , at do you mean by !uttin# your usband into a bad umor by #oin# ome late e"ery time2) Amon# t ese $omen( free yet timorous( addicted to late ours( dar&ened rooms( #amblin#( and indolence( I almost ne"er detected a trace of cynicism% 9!arin# of $ords( all t ey needed $as an allusion% I eard one of t em( one only'a ;erman !rincess $it t e fres c ubby face of a butc er boy'introduce er petite amie one day as )my s!ouse() $ ereu!on my blunt #entlemen in s&irts $rin&led t eir noses in distaste and !retended not to ear% )It0s not t at I conceal anyt in#() briefly commented t e Jicomtesse de L% )It0s sim!ly t at I don0t li&e s o$in# off%) It $as ot er$ise $it t eir !rote#ees( $ o $ere( more often t an not( rat er rude youn# creatures( insinuatin# and #ras!in#% Not sur!risin#( t is( for t ese ladies in male attire ad( by birt and from infancy( a taste for belo$*stairs accom!lices and comrades*in*li"ery'and( as a conse3uence( an incurable timidity( $ ic t ey dissimulated as best t ey could% Pride in #i"in# !leasure relie"ed t em of t e need for any ot er di#nity7 t ey

tolerated bein# addressed familiarly by t ese youn# creatures and found a#ain( beneat t e insult( t e tremulous and secret !leasure of t eir c ild ood $ en dinin# at t e ser"ants0 table% In t e ser"ants0 3uarters( from t eir first toddlin# ste!s( t ey ad found t eir allies and t eir tormentors( $ om t ey and t eir brot ers e3ually feared and lo"ed% It is 3uite necessary for a c ild to lo"e% T e $omen of $ om I am s!ea&in# $ere considerably older t an I( t ey ad #ro$n u! in an e!oc $ en t e aristocracy( e"en more t an t e ric bour#eoisie( anded o"er t eir !ro#eny to t e domestic staff% It is a 3uestion $ o $as $ort more to t e c ildren( t e !aid tormentor or t e de!ra"ed ally% My narrators did not 6ud#e t em% T ey did not bot er to embroider t eir tales but calmly described t e or#ies in t e !antry( $ en stron# li3uor $as !oured out for t e da+ed c ildren( or told o$ t ose underlin#s $ould one day stuff t e babies $it food and ne-t day for#et to feed t em at all% % % T ey did not s!ea& in t e maudlin tone of c ea! 6ournalism7 none of t ese $omen claimed t e #rade of infant martyr( not e"en t e dau# ter of t e Du&e de L( $ o said t at from si- to fifteen s e ad ne"er $orn a !air of ne$ s oes( t at er s oes ad all been and*me*do$ns from er elder brot er or sister( and $it oles in t e soles% Blandly( and at times rat er moc&in#ly( s e described incidents of er c ild ood% )In t e corridor outside our nursery() s e related( )$as a small anti3ue lady0s des& in rose$ood( incrusted $it a lar#e medallion in 9D"res !orcelain( $it t e mono#ram of a 3ueen and er cro$n #litterin# in diamonds% My mot er did not li&e t at small !iece of furniture and ad sentenced it to e-ile in t e corridor( $ ere it stood bet$een t$o doors% ,ell( to !lease my mot er( $ en $e dressed for dinner $e al$ays set our muddy s oes on t e to! of t at *onheur-du-.our, ri# t on t e 9e"res medallion and its diamonds% % %) Married to a man s e ated( my narrator ad not dared to confess er des!air $ en s e fancied s e $as !re#nant( e-ce!t to an old footman( an ancient corru!ter of !rincelin#s( a "alet s e feared% )He brou# t me a concoction to drin&() s e said( touc ed at t e recollection% )He( and e alone in t e $orld( !itied me% % % , at e #a"e me to drin& $as !retty orrible% % % I remember t at I $e!t% % %) ),it #rief2) )No% I cried because( $ ile I s$allo$ed t at orror( t e old fello$ tried to earten me by callin# me ni/a and po*iecita, 6ust as e ad $ en I $as a

c ild%) T ese $omen $ o ad been dis!ossessed of t eir ri# tful c ild oods and $ o( as #irls( ad been more t an or! ans( $ere no$ in t eir maturity t e fond instructors of a youn#er #eneration% T ey ne"er seemed ridiculous to me% 4et some of t em $ore a monocle( a $ ite carnation in t e button ole( too& t e name of ;od in "ain( and discussed orses com!etently% T ese mannis $omen I am callin# to mind $ere( indeed( almost as fond of t e orse( t at $arm( eni#matic( stubborn( and sensiti"e creature( as t ey $ere of t eir youn# !rote#ees% ,it t eir stron# slender ands t ey $ere able to brea& in and sub6u#ate a orse( and $ en a#e and ard times de!ri"ed t em of t e $ i! and t e untin# cro!( t ey lost t eir final sce!ter% A #ara#e( no matter o$ ele#ant( can ne"er e3ual t e smartness of a stable% T e motorcar cannot be mounted7 a mec anical carria#e besto$s no !syc olo#ical #lamour on its dri"er% But t e dust of t e bridle !at s in t e Bois still aloes( in countless memories( t ose e3uestriennes $ o did not need to ride astride to assert t eir ambi#uity% 9eated on t e andsome bac& of a lean t orou# bred( mounted on t e t$in !edestal of a c estnut cru!!er( $ ere s immered t$o elli!ses of unctuous li# t( t ey $ere freed of t e a$&$ard( toed*out stance of t e ballet dancer t at marred t eir $al&% T e t in# $omen in men0s clot es imitate $orst is a man0s stride% )T ey raise t eir &nees too i# ( t ey don0t tuc& in t eir bottoms as t ey s ould() $as t e se"ere !ronouncement of Fa C e"aliDre% T e e-citin# scent of orses( t at so masculine odor( ne"er 3uite left t ese $omen( but lin#ered on after t e ride% I sa$ and ailed t e decline of t ese $omen% T ey tried to describe and e-!lain t eir "anis ed c arm% T ey tried to render intelli#ible for us t eir success $it $omen and t eir defiant taste for $omen% T e astonis in# t in# is t at t ey mana#ed to do so% I am not referrin# ere to Fa C e"aliDre( $ o by c aracter as $ell as ! ysi3ue $as abo"e t em% Restless and uncertain in er !ursuit of lo"e( s e searc ed $it er an-ious eyes( so dar& t ey $ere almost blac& beneat a lo$( $ ite fore ead( for $ at s e ne"er found1 a settled and sentimental attac ment% :or more t an forty years( t is $oman $it t e bearin# of a andsome boy endured t e !ride and !unis ment of ne"er bein# able to establis a real and lastin# affair $it a $oman% It $as not for lac& of tryin#( because s e as&ed not in# better or $orse% But t e salacious e-!ectations of $omen s oc&ed er "ery natural !latonic tendencies( $ ic resembled more t e su!!ressed e-citement( t e diffuse emotion of an adolescent( t an a $oman0s e-!licit need% T$enty years a#o s e tried( $it bitterness( to e-!lain erself to me% )I do not &no$ anyt in# about com!leteness in lo"e()

s e said( )e-ce!t t e idea I a"e of it% But t ey( t e $omen( a"e ne"er allo$ed me to sto! at t at !oint% % %) ),it out e-ce!tion2) ),it out e-ce!tion%) ), y2) )I0m sure I don0t &no$%) Fa C e"aliDre s ru##ed% T e e-!ression t at a!!eared on er face recalled for a minute Damien0s e-!ression $ en e ad assured me t at )$omen #o too far% % %) Fi&e Damien( s e seemed to be recallin# somet in# rat er sad( rat er re!ellent( and s e $as about to say more( but li&e im s e contained erself% )I0m sure I don0t &no$() s e re!eated% )But $ at in ea"en0s name do t ey o!e for( by #oin# furt er2 Do t ey #i"e so muc credit to t e ! ysical act( t e idea of t e !aro-ysm of !leasure2) )No doubt() s e said( uncertainly% )T ey must at least a"e an o!inion on t at s!ecial !leasure2 Do t ey flin# t emsel"es u!on it as u!on a !anacea( do t ey see in it a &ind of consecration2 Do t ey demand it( or acce!t it( more sim!ly( as a !roof of mutual trust2) Fa C e"aliDre a"erted er eyes( flic&ed off t e lon# as on er ci#ar( $a"ed er and as a discreet man mi# t do% )T is is beyond me() s e said% )It does not e"en concern me%) )And yet% % %) 9 e re!eated er #esture and smiled to dissuade me from !ersistin#% )I0m of t e o!inion() s e said( )t at in t e ancient Nati"ities t e !ortrait of t e 0donor0 occu!ies far too muc s!ace in t e !icture% % %) Fa C e"aliDre al$ays ad( still as $it( a 3uic& sense of re!artee% T e years a"e made little c an#e in er and a"e let er &ee! er smile( $ ic is so difficult to de!ict( so difficult to for#et% T at smile of t e )donor) $ o des!ises is #ifts did not( o$e"er( discoura#e me from 3uestionin# er% But s e $as s y and re6ected t is sub6ect of con"ersation( to $ ic ( o$e"er( I $ill add a remar& s e let fall one day $ en an u#ly youn# $oman $as bein#

described in detail in er earin#% )T at #irl( if s e didn0t a"e er t$o eyes% % %) ), at more does a $oman need besides er t$o eyes 2) as&ed Fa C e"aliDre% In effect( I &ne$ s e $as mad about blue*#reen eyes( and $ en I told er s e s ared $it Jean Forrain t e obsession of )#reen) eyes( s e $as annoyed% )A () s e said( )but it0s not t e same t in# at all5 Jean Forrain ta&es off from #reen eyes to #o% % % you &no$ $ ere% He0s a man for $ om 0t e dee! callet to dee!0% % %) T e remar& is $ort more t an er e!oc and t e literature of t e turn of t e century( s$ollen $it mas&s and "oodoo( blac& Masses( blissful deca!itated $omen $ ose eads float amon# narcissi and blue toads% :or a timid soul( e-alted in silence and !er!etually adolescent( $ at more seducti"e de!t s could one !lun#e into t an t e eyes of t e lo"ed one( and descend in t ou# t and blissfully lose one0s life bet$een t e sea$eed and t e star2 T e seduction emanatin# from a !erson of uncertain or dissimulated se- is !o$erful% T ose $ o a"e ne"er e-!erienced it li&en it to t e banal attraction of t e lo"e t at e"icts t e male element% T is is a #ross misconce!tion% An-ious and "eiled( ne"er e-!osed to t e li# t of day( t e andro#ynous creature $anders( $onders( and im!lores in a $ is!er% % % Its alf e3ual( man( is soon scared and flees% T ere remains its alf e3ual( a $oman% T ere es!ecially remains for t e andro#ynous creature t e ri# t( e"en t e obli#ation( ne"er to be a!!y% If 6o"ial( t e andro#ynous creature is a monster% But it trails irre"ocably amon# us its sera! ic sufferin#( its #limmerin# tears% It #oes from a tender inclination to maternal ado!tion% % % As I $rite t is( I am t in&in# of Fa C e"aliDre% It $as s e $ o most often bruised erself in a collision $it a $oman'a $oman( t at $ is!erin# #uide( !resum!tuous( stran#ely e-!licit( $ o too& er by t e and and said( )Come( I $ill el! you find yourself% % %) )I am neit er t at nor anyt in# else( alas() said Fa C e"aliDre( dro!!in# t e "icious little and% ), at I lac& cannot be found by searc in# for it%) 9 e is t e !erson $ o as no counter!art any$ ere% At one time s e belie"ed t at s e ad er counter!art in t e features of a youn# $oman( and a#ain in t e features of a andsome youn# man'yes( of a youn# man( $ y

not2'so andsome t at lo"e seemed to des!air of im( and $ o( moreo"er( clun# to no one% He #a"e to Fa C e"aliDre a name t at made er blus $it 6oy and #ratitude1 e called er )my fat er%) But s e soon sa$ t at a#ain s e ad been mista&en( t at one can ado!t only t e c ild one as be#otten% % % )All t e same() t e solitary $oman si# s at times( )I must not com!lain( I s all a"e been a mira#e% % %) Around er( beneat er( a 3uarrelsome and timid life #ra"itated% 9 e ser"ed as t e ideal( as t e tar#et( and i#nored t e fact% 9 e $as !raised( s e $as slandered( er name $as re!eated in t e midst of a subdued and almost subterranean tumult( $as eard es!ecially in t e friendly little di"es( t e tiny( nei# bor ood cinemas fre3uented by #rou!s of er $omen friends' basement rooms arran#ed as restaurants( dim( and blue $it tobacco smo&e% T ere $as also a cellar in Montmartre t at $elcomed t ese uneasy $omen( aunted by t eir o$n solitude( $ o felt safe $it in t e lo$*ceilin#ed room beneat t e eye of a fran& !ro!rietress $ o s ared t eir !redilections( $ ile an unctuous and aut entic c eese fondue s!uttered and t e loud contralto of an artiste( one of t eir familiars( san# to t em t e romantic ballads of Au#usta HolmDs% % % T e same need for a refu#e( $armt ( and dar&ness( t e same fear of intruders and si# tseers assembled ere t ese $omen $ ose faces( if not t eir names( soon became familiar to me% Fiterature and t e ma&ers of literature $ere absent from t ese #at erin#s and I deli# ted in t at absence( alon# $it t e em!ty #aiety of t e c atter and t e di"ertin# and c allen#in# e-c an#e of #lances( t e cry!tic reference to certain treasons( com!re ended at once( and t e sudden outbursts of ferocity% I re"eled in t e admirable 3uic&ness of t eir alf*s!o&en lan#ua#e( t e e-c an#e of t reats( of !romises( as if( once t e slo$*t in&in# male ad been banis ed( e"ery messa#e from $oman to $oman became clear and o"er$ elmin#( restricted to a small but infallible number of si#ns% % % All amours tend to create a dead*end atmos! ere% )T ere5 It0s finis ed( $e0"e arri"ed( and beyond us t$o t ere is not in# no$( not e"en an o!enin# for esca!e() murmurs one $oman to er !rote#ee( usin# t e lan#ua#e of a lo"er% And as a !roof( s e indicates t e lo$ ceilin#( t e dim li# t( t e $omen $ o are t eir counter!arts( ma&in# er listen to t e masculine rumble of t e outside $orld and ear o$ it is reduced to t e boomin# of a distant dan#er%

K I still a"e in my !ossession some t irty letters Pauline Tarn $rote to me% I ad a #reat many more( but some of t em $ere filc ed from me( and t e s ortest( t e least attracti"e( I #a"e a$ay to )fans) of RenIe Ji"ien% A fe$ of t em( too( a"e been mislaid% If I $ere to !ublis t e corres!ondence of t is !oet $ o ne"er ceased claimin# &ins i! $it Fesbos( it $ould astound only because of its c ildis ness% I stress t is "ery !articular c ildis 3uality( $ ic stri&es a false note'dare I say a note of ob"ious insincerity2 T e c armin# face of RenIe Ji"ien reflected only a !art of t at c ildli&e 3uality( in t e rounded c ee&( soft and do$ny( in t e innocent s ort u!!er li!( so ty!ically En#lis ( curled u! and re"ealin# four little front teet % A bri# t smile constantly lit u! er eyes( a c estnut*bro$n $ ic became #reenis in sunli# t% 9 e $ore er lon#( beautiful as *blond air( $ ic $as fine and strai# t( massed at t e to! of er ead( from $ ic stray loc&s came do$n no$ and t en li&e $is!s of fine stra$% T ere is not a sin#le feature of er yout ful face t at I do not "i"idly recall% E"eryt in# in it bes!o&e c ildis ness( ro#uis ness( and t e !ro!ensity to lau# ter% Im!ossible to find any$ ere in t at face( from t e fair air to t e s$eet dim!le of t e $ea& little c in( any line t at $as not a line of lau# ter( any si#n of t e idden tra#ic melanc oly t at t robs in t e !oetry of RenIe Ji"ien% I ne"er sa$ RenIe sad% 9 e $ould e-claim( in er lis!in# En#lis accent( )A ( my dear little Colette( o$ dis#ustin# t is life is5) T en s e $ould burst into lau# ter% In all too many of er notes( I find t at same e-clamation re!eated( often s!elled out fran&ly in t e coarsest $ords1 )Isn0t t is life s eer muc&2 ,ell( I o!e it $ill soon be o"er5) T is im!atience of ers amused er friends( but er o!e $as not das ed( for s e died in er t irtiet year% Aur friends i! $as in no $ay literary( it #oes $it out sayin#'or rat er( I s ould say( t an&s to my res!ect for literature% I am s!arin# of $ords on t at sub6ect( e-ce!t for occasional e-clamations of admiration( and in RenIe Ji"ien I found t e same diffidence and $ell*bred restraint% 9 e( too( refused to )tal& s o!%) , ene"er s e #a"e me any of er boo&s( s e al$ays id t em under a bou3uet of "iolets or a bas&et of fruit or a len#t of Ariental sil&% 9 e $as secreti"e $it me on t e t$o literary as!ects of er

brief e-istence1 t e cause of er sadness( and er met od of $or&% , ere did s e $or&2 And at $ at ours2 T e "ast( dar&( sum!tuous( and e"er c an#in# flat in t e a"enue du Bois #a"e no int of $or&% T at #round*floor flat in t e a"enue du Bois as ne"er been $ell described( by t e $ay% E-ce!t for some #i#antic Budd as( all t e furnis in#s mo"ed mysteriously1 after !ro"o&in# sur!rise and admiration for a time( t ey ad a $ay of disa!!earin#% % % Amon# t e unstable mar"els( RenIe $andered( not so muc clad as "eiled in blac& or !ur!le( almost in"isible in t e scented dar&ness of t e immense rooms barricaded $it leaded $indo$s( t e air ea"y $it curtains and incense% T ree or four times I cau# t er curled u! in a corner of a di"an( scribblin# $it a !encil on a $ritin# !ad !ro!!ed on er &nees% An t ese occasions s e al$ays s!ran# u! #uiltily( e-cusin# erself( murmurin#( )It0s not in#( I0"e finis ed no$% % %) Her lit e body de"oid of density lan#uidly droo!ed( as if beneat t e $ei# t of er !o!!y*flo$er ead $it its !ale #olden air( surmounted by immense and unsteady ats% 9 e eld er lon# and slender ands in front of er( #ro!in#ly% T e dresses s e $ore $ere al$ays lon#( co"erin# er feet( and s e $as afflicted $it an an#elic clumsiness( $as al$ays losin# as s e $ent er #lo"es( and&erc ief( suns ade( scarf% % % 9 e $as constantly #i"in# t in#s a$ay1 t e bracelets on er arms o!ened u!( t e nec&lace sli!!ed from er martyr0s t roat% 9 e $as as if deciduous% It $as as if er lan#uorous body re6ected anyt in# t at $ould #i"e it a t ird dimension% T e first time I dined at er !lace( t ree bro$n ta!ers dri!!ed $a-en tears in tall candlestic&s and did not dis!el t e #loom% A lo$ table( from t e Arient( offered a !ell*mell assortment of les hois d"oeuvre'stri!s of ra$ fis rolled u!on #lass $ands( foie %ras, s rim!s( salad seasoned $it su#ar and !e!!er'and t ere $as a $ell*c osen Pi!er*Heidsiec& c am!a#ne *rut, and "ery stron# coc&tails'RenIe Ji"ien $as a ead of er time% 9uffocated $it t e obscurity( mistrustful of t e unfamiliar fire of Russian( ;ree&( and C inese alco ols( I scarcely touc ed t e food% I remember t at RenIe0s #ay lau# ter( er li"eliness( t e faint alo of li# t tremblin# in er #olden air all combined to sadden me( as does t e a!!iness of blind c ildren $ o lau# and !lay $it out t e el! of li# t% I did not belie"e t at t is meetin# in t is lu-urious flat submer#ed in dar&ness could result in any real friends i! $it t is tall youn# $oman $ o tossed off er drin& $it t e obli"iousness one sees in bridesmaids at a country $eddin#% Amon# t e be"era#es t at s e raised to er li!s $as a cloudy eli-ir in

$ ic floated a c erry ar!ooned on a toot !ic&% I laid a and on er arm and cautioned er% )Don0t drin& it%) 9 e o!ened er eyes so $ide t at t e las es of er u!!er eyelids touc ed er eyebro$s% ), y not2) )I0"e tasted it() I said( embarrassed% )It0s% % % it0s deadly% Be careful( it tastes li&e some &ind of "itriol%) I dared not tell er t at I sus!ected a !ractical 6o&e% 9 e lau# ed( flas in# er $ ite teet % )But t ese are my o$n coc&tails( ma pethith Coletthe. T ey are e-cellent%) 9 e em!tied t e #lass at one #ul!( neit er #as!in# nor blin&in#( and er rounded c ee& &e!t its floral !allor% I did not notice t at e"enin# er almost total abstention from food( but later on I disco"ered t at s e subsisted mainly on a fe$ s!oonfuls of rice( some fruit or ot er( and alco ol'es!ecially alco ol% Durin# t is first e"enin#( not in# could dis!el t e uneasiness en#endered by t e stran#eness of t e !lace( bound to astonis a #uest( t e semi*dar&ness( t e e-otic foods on !lates of 6ade( "ermeil( or C inese !orcelain( foods t at ad come from countries too far a$ay% Ho$e"er( I $as to see RenIe Ji"ien many times after$ard% ,e disco"ered t at er ouse and mine communicated( t an&s to t e t$o #arden courts se!arated only by a #rille( and t at t e concier#e $ o ad t e &eys $as not incorru!tible7 I could t erefore #o from t e rue de Jille6ust to t e a"enue du Bois to "isit er $it out settin# foot in t e street% Accasionally I used t is facility% An my $ay( I $ould ra! on t e $indo$s of t e #arden flat $ ere Robert d0HumiDres li"ed( and e $ould o!en is $indo$ and old out an immaculate treasure( an armful of sno$( t at is to say( is blue*eyed $ ite cat( Fan&a( sayin#( )To you I entrust my most !recious !ossession%) T$enty meters fart er on( and I $ould confront( at RenIe0s( t e air $ ic ( li&e sta#nant $ater( slo$ed do$n my ste!s( t e odor of incense( of flo$ers( of o"erri!e a!!les% It is an understatement to say t at I $as stifled in t at #loom% I became almost $ic&edly intolerant t ere( yet ne"er $ore out

t e !atience of t e #ossamer an#el $ o dedicated offerin#s of lady a!!les to t e Budd as% Ane day( $ en t e s!rin# $ind $as stri!!in# t e lea"es from t e Judas trees in t e a"enue( I $as nauseated by t e funereal !erfumes and tried to o!en t e $indo$1 it $as nailed s ut% , at a contribution suc a detail is( $ at a flouris it adds to a t eme already ric 5 , at a 3uantity of lurid #leams and #lints of #old in t e semi*dar&ness( of $ is!erin# "oices be ind t e doors( of C inese mas&s( of ancient instruments an#in# on t e $alls( mute( only "a#uely $ im!erin# at t e ban#in# of a door beneat my ea"y and% At RenIe Ji"ien0s I could a"e $is ed to be youn#er( so I could be a little fearful% But im!atience #ot t e better of me and one e"enin# I brou# t an offendin#( an inadmissible bi# oil lam!( and !lum!ed it do$n( lit( in front of my !late% RenIe $e!t bi# tears o"er t is( li&e a c ild'it is only ri# t to add t at s e consoled erself in li&e manner% Try as s e $ould to !lease me by in"itin# alon# $it me t$o or t ree of my best friends( to ma&e me a!!y( our intimacy did not seem to ma&e any real !ro#ress% At t e table in t e dar&ness( or loun#in# comfortably and !ro"ided $it e-otic food and drin&( Tur&is ci#arettes or C inese blond tobacco in miniature sil"er !i!es( $e remained a bit stiff and uneasy( as if our youn# ostess and $e oursel"es a!!re ended t e une-!ected return of an absent and un&no$n )master%) T is )master) $as ne"er referred to by t e name of $oman% ,e seemed to be $aitin# for some catastro! e to !ro6ect er into our midst( but s e merely &e!t sendin# in"isible messen#ers laden $it 6ades( enamels( lac3uers( fabrics% % % A collection of ancient Persian #old coins came( #littered( disa!!eared( lea"in# in its !lace #lass cabinets of e-otic butterflies and ot er insects( $ ic in t eir turn #a"e $ay to a colossal Budd a( a miniature #arden of bus es a"in# lea"es of crystal and fruit of !recious stones% :rom one mar"el to anot er RenIe mo"ed( uncertainly( already detac ed( and s o$in# t e indifferent self*effacement of a #uard in a museum% , en I recall t e c an#es $ ic #radually rendered RenIe more understandable( I belie"e I can lin& t ese $it certain #estures at first( t en $it some $ords t at t re$ a different li# t on er% 9ome !eo!le become transformed by ric es( ot ers ac3uire a real life only by im!o"eris ment( t eir "ery destitution #i"in# t em life% , en $as I able to for#et t at RenIe Ji"ien $as a !oet( I mean( $ en did I be#in to feel a real interest in er2 No doubt it $as one e"enin# $ en dinin# at er !lace( an e"enin# of s!icy foods and of dis3uietin# drin&s'I ris&ed drin&in# only t$o #lasses of a !erfect

and "ery dry c am!a#ne'a #ay e"enin# and yet ine-!licably strained( $ en RenIe0s #aiety e-!ressed itself in lau# ter( in an ea#erness to a!!laud e-a##eratedly any least droll $ord% E-ce!tionally t at e"enin# s e $ore a $ ite dress t at bared er delicate and yout ful t roat and t e na!e of er nec&( $ ere $is!s of er soft strai# t air $ere al$ays comin# undone% Bet$een t$o remar&s and $it out $arnin#( s e suddenly leaned a#ainst t e bac& of er c air( er ead bo$ed( er c in on er t in c est( er eyes closed% % % I can still see er t$o slender ands restin# o!en and lifeless on t e tableclot % T is faintin# s!ell( or $ ate"er it $as( lasted less t an ten seconds( and RenIe came to $it out embarrassment% ):or#i"e me( my dears( I must a"e #one to slee!() s e murmured( and resumed t e ar#ument s e ad left for t e fleetin# deat from $ ic s e ad returned fired $it a stran#e fren+y% )A ( t at B%5) s e e-claimed( )I don0t $ant to ear any more about im or is "erses toni# t% He as no talent% He is'$ait( I &no$ $ at e is( e0s a cunt( a cunt $it a !en% 4es( a cunt $it a !en5) T e $ord fell into our silence( coarse( blunt% Anyone of us $ould a"e been ca!able of !ronouncin# t at $ord in an undertone and amon# oursel"es( but as RenIe re!eated t e indecent remar&( t ere rei#ned on er c ildli&e features a blan& e-!ression t at set t e $ords outside time( de!ri"ed of any si#nificance( and re"ealed in t e s!ea&er a !rofound disorder% T e $ily lunatic is lost if t rou# t e narro$est crac& e allo$s a sane eye to !eer into is loc&ed uni"erse and t us !rofane it% After$ard( it is t e sane eye t at c an#es( is affected( becomes fascinated $it t e mystery it as seen and can ne"er cease to 3uestion% T e more sensiti"e t e lunatic( t e less able is e to resist t is !ryin# interest of t e normal uman bein#% I felt t at RenIe0s c an#e of &ey'to myself( I com!ared RenIe to a s$eet melody( a little flat des!ite its laborious armonies'$as a!!roac in#% At Pascaud0s( $ ere $e ad #one to ire costumes for t e fancy*dress ball Robert d0HumiDres $as #i"in# at t e T IQtre des Arts( $ ic e directed( RenIe Ji"ien( as s e dressed a#ain after t e fittin# of er costume 's e intended to #o as Jane ;rey on t e e-ecutioner0s bloc&( e-actly( alas( as Paul Delaroc e !ainted er'!ut on by mista&e my blac& coat instead of er o$n%

)It almost fits you() I said( lau# in#% )But for you to loo& your best in it( somet in# is needed ere( and ere% % % At er$ise% % %) )It almost fits me2) RenIe re!eated% I can still see o$ er face clouded( o$ er mout fell o!en in stunned sur!rise% )It0s a #reat misfortune() s e stammered( )a #reat misfortune t at you0"e 6ust announced to me% % %) 9 e turned a #loomy and calculatin# loo& u!on me'at t at !eriod I $as a !leasant little cob !ony of a !erson't en ra!idly collected erself and $e se!arated% T at e"enin# I $as anded a letter s e ad addressed to me and my friends $ o $ere to fi#ure in t e ta*leau vivant of Jane ;rey% It read1 My dears( t e $orst !ossible t in# as a!!ened to me1 I0"e carelessly !ut on $ei# t'ten !ounds% But t ere are still ten days before our ball( in $ ic I can lose t em't at0s enou# ( it0s #ot to be enou# ( for I must not( at any !rice( $ei# more t an fifty*t$o &ilos% Don0t try to find me( I0m #oin# to a !lace none of you &no$s% Count on me( I0ll be bac& in ten days( and all ready for t e ball% 4ours( RenIe% 9 e &e!t er $ord% ,e eard later on t at s e ad s!ent t e ten days at t e Pa"ilion Henri IJ in 9aint*;ermain% In t e mornin#s s e dran& a #lass of tea( t en $al&ed in t e forest until er stren#t #a"e out% T en s e dran& more tea( t is time $it alco ol added( and $ent to bed in an almost faintin# condition% Ne-t day it be#an all o"er a#ain% 9 e ad t e ine- austible stren#t of unbalanced !eo!le% ),e $al&ed !er a!s t$enty &ilometers e"ery day() er com!anion confessed to us later on% )I don0t &no$ o$ mademoiselle &e!t #oin#% As for myself( I ate normally( yet $as e- austed%) T e ten days o"er $it ( RenIe met us at ele"en o0cloc& in t e e"enin# at t e T IQtre des Arts% 9 e loo&ed "ery !retty in er costume( !o$dered and rou#ed( ollo$*eyed( er air loose on one s oulder( and s e $as #ay in a distracted &ind of $ay% 9 e still ad t e stren#t to !lay t e !art of Jane ;rey( er ands tied( er bo$ed ead re"ealin# a $ ite na!e( er fair air floodin# out on t e bloc&% But after$ard s e fainted bac&sta#e( t e "ictim of t e saddest and most "iolent case of alco ol !oisonin#( a##ra"ated by star"ation and some dru# or ot er%

T is $as er "ery !at etic secret( t e confession of a 3uite ordinary neurosis% Ar $as it2 4es( if one can be satisfied $it a sin#le fact( as I $as for a time'a rat er s ort time% RenIe $as dyin# $ en I $as told o$ s e ad mana#ed in a $eirdly sim!le $ay to drin& to e-cess $it out anyone in Paris or anyone in Nice in t e little ouse in t e Pare Cessole e"er bein# able to catc er at it% % % Ad6oinin# t e bat room( in a small room t at substituted as a linen closet( er docile c ambermaid sat se$in#% Muic&( maladroit( stumblin# a#ainst t e furniture( RenIe $as constantly callin# out for el! to% % % let us call er Justine( for t at $as absolutely not er name% )Justine( my dear( $ill you se$ on t is oo& t at0s come off2) )Justine( dear( a"e you ironed my embroidered froc&2) )Muic&( my sli!!er ribbon is undone% % %) )A 5 T ese ne$ #lo"es still a"e a !rice ta# on( do ta&e it off( Justine( $ill you2) )Please( Justine( tell t e coo& t at toni# t% % %) Be ind t e se$in#*room door( $ ic remained o!en( you eard only a murmured re!ly1 )4es( mademoiselle% Jery $ell( mademoiselle% % %) And t e maid did not lea"e t e c air $ ere s e sat at $or&% E"ery time RenIe a!!eared( Justine ad only to lean o"er to reac ( under er c air( one of t e filled $ine#lasses t at er s&irt concealed% 9 e eld it out in silence to RenIe( $ o em!tied it at a #ul! and $ent from t e linen closet to t e bat room( $ ere s e found $aitin# er( !unctually rene$ed( a #lass of mil&y*loo&in# $ater clouded $it !erfumes% 9 e $ould #ar#le t is and urriedly s!it it out% Peo!le $ o ad seen and smelled t at #lass of !erfumed li3uid belie"ed and a"e affirmed t at RenIe Ji"ien dran& toilet $ater% , at s e so foolis ly imbibed $as no better% I sometimes met RenIe in t e mornin#s( $ en I led my memorable cat Prrou out on a leas for a $al& alon# t e #rassy !at s in t e a"enue du Bois( and I recall one suc encounter% As usual $ en s e "entured out into t e streets( RenIe $as a bit o"erdressed% In #ettin# into t e carria#e t at mornin#( s e ste!!ed on t e em of er lon# s&irt and cau# t t e stra! of er ba# on t e andle of t e door% ), ere are you #oin# t is early in t e day2) I as&ed% )To buy my Budd a% I0"e decided to buy one e"ery day% Don0t you t in& t at0s a #ood idea2) )E-cellent% En6oy yourself5) 9 e turned to $a"e #oodbye and &noc&ed er at as&e$% To old it on(

s e raised t e and s e ad !assed t rou# t e stra! of t e ba# and it( ill s ut( fell o!en( scatterin# a 3uantity of crum!led ban& notes% )A ( mon 0ieu, s e e-claimed( lau# in# softly% At last t e fiacre( t e bi# at( t e dress $it t e ri!!ed em $ent off in t e distance( $ ile( close to my cat y#ienically scratc in# t e #rass( I stood reflectin#1 )T e alco ol% % % t e t inness% % % t e !oetry( t e daily Budd a% % % And t at0s not all% , at is t e dar& ori#in of all t is nonsense2) May I be e-cused for a"in# included as an element of )all t is nonsense) t e $ord )!oetry%) RenIe Ji"ien as left a #reat many !oems of une3ual stren#t ( force( merit( une3ual as t e uman breat ( as t e !ulsations of uman sufferin#% T e cult of $ ic t ey sin# arouses curiosity and t en infatuation7 today t ey a"e disarmed t e indi#nation of e"en t e lo$est &ind of moralists'and t is is a fate I $ould not a"e dared to !romise t em if t ey ad lauded only t e lo"e of C loR for Da! nis( since t e lo$est &ind of moralist follo$s t e fas ions and ma&es a dis!lay of broadmindedness% In addition( RenIe0s $or& in abits a re#ion of ele"ated melanc oly( in $ ic t e amies, t e female cou!le( daydream and $ee! as often as t ey embrace% Admirably ac3uainted $it our lan#ua#e( bro&en to t e strict rules of :renc meter( RenIe Ji"ien betrays er forei#nness't at is to say( er assimilation of :renc master$or&s relati"ely late in life'by e-udin# er Baudelairism in t e years 8<>>*<( $ ic $as rat er late for us% , en I found out s e $as so fallible( so faddy( so ensla"ed to a ruinous abit t at s e o!ed to &ee! secret( my instincti"e attraction to RenIe c an#ed into friends i!% :riends i! is not al$ays circums!ect( and one day I $ent so far as to !ut a stran#e 3uestion% )Tell me( RenIe% Are you a!!y2) RenIe blus ed( smiled( t en abru!tly stiffened% ), y( of course( my dear Colette% , y $ould you $ant me to be un a!!y2) )I didn0t say I $anted it() I retorted% And I $ent off( dissatisfied $it us bot % But ne-t day er embarrassed lau# $as a!olo#etic and s e t ras ed t e air around me $it er lon# arms( maladroit and affectionate( as if s e $ere loo&in# for a $ay into my confidence% I noticed er listlessness( t e dar& rin#s under er eyes( and I as&ed er if s e $as ill% ), y( not at all() s e !rotested em! atically%

9 e t en ya$ned be ind er and and e-!lained t e reasons for er lassitude in terms so clear t at I could not belie"e my ears% And s e did not sto! t ere% % % , at ne$ $armt ad melted er reser"e and encoura#ed suc e-!ansi"eness2 Un indered by any ambi#uity( s e s!o&e o!enly( and $ at s e s!o&e of $as not lo"e but se-ual satisfaction( and t is( of course( referred to t e only se-ual satisfaction s e &ne$( t e !leasure s e too& $it a $oman% T en it $as a 3uestion of t e satisfactions of anot er e!oc ( anot er $oman( and re#rets and com!arisons% Her $ay of tal&in# about ! ysical lo"e $as rat er li&e t at of little #irls brou# t u! for a life of debauc ery1 bot innocent and crude% T e most curious t in# about er calm and farfetc ed confessions( durin# t e recital of $ ic RenIe ne"er left off t e tone of tran3uil #ossi!( stran#ely in accord $it t e least ambi#uous terms( $as t at t ey re"ealed an immodest consideration for )t e senses) and t e tec ni3ue of obtainin# ! ysical satisfaction% % % And $ en( beyond t e !oet $ o !raised t e !allor of er Fesbian lo"es( t eir sobbin# in t e desolate da$ns( I cau# t a #lim!se of )Madame Ho$*many*times() countin# on er fin#ers( mentionin# by name t in#s and #estures( I !ut an end to t e indiscretion of t ose youn# alf*conscious li!s( and not "ery tactfully% I belie"e I told RenIe t at certain fran& remar&s s e ad made $ere as suitable to er as a sil& at to a mon&ey% % % As a se3uel to t is incident( I still a"e t e brief note s e sent me( "ery im!osin# in its form1 4ou #ra"ely offended me last ni# t( Colette( and I am not one $ o for#i"es% Adieu% RenIe Ho$e"er( t e ot er RenIe( t e #ood and c armin# RenIe( sa$ to it t at I ad a second note t$o ours after t e first one% It read1 :or#i"e me( dear little Colette( ;od only &no$s $ at I $rote to you% Eat t ese lo"ely !eac es as a toast to my ealt and come to see me% Come dine $it me as soon as you can( and brin# alon# our friends% I did not fail to do so( alt ou# I too& e-ce!tion to t e odd( clandestine c aracter of t ose feasts laid out amon# t ree candles( to $ ic sometimes RenIe in"ited a ar!ist( at ot er times a soloist% But on t e t res old of er a!artment( $ ic I al$ays said smelled li&e )a ric man0s funeral() $e met RenIe in a blac& e"enin# dress( ready to #o out%

)No( my dears() s e murmured a#itatedly( )you0"e not made a mista&e( I $as e-!ectin# you toni# t% 9it do$n at t e table( I0ll be bac& "ery soon( I s$ear it by A! rodite5 T ere are s rim!s( foie %ras, some C ios $ine( and fruit from t e Balearic Isles% % %) In er aste( s e stumbled on t e ste!s% 9 e turned er #olden ead to$ard me( t e luminous eart of a #reat bee i"e of dar& "el"et( t en came bac& to $ is!er in my ear1 )Hus ( I0m re3uisitioned% )he is terrible at !resent%) Constrained( mystified( $e remained and $e $aited% % % And RenIe did not return% Anot er time s e $as #aily a"in# dinner( I mean to say( s e $as $atc in# us dine( and at t e dessert s e stood u!( #at ered to#et er $it a s a&y and er lon# #lo"es( a fan( a little sil& !urse( t en e-cused erself% )My dears( I a"e to #o% % % 1oil#. . . 9 e did not finis $ at s e ad to say but burst into tears and fled% A carria#e $aitin# for er outside bore er a$ay% In s!ite of my old friend Hamel .called Hamond( in t e 1a%a*onde), $ o ad a !aternal affection for RenIe and $ o no$ interceded for er( I $ent ome $it di#nity( s$earin# ne"er to return% But I did return( because t e friends i! one as #i"en to a uman bein# $ o is already #oin# to !ieces( is already eaded to$ard er do$nfall( does not obey t e dictates of !ride% , en I $ent bac&( ur#ed by RenIe in a laconic note( I found er sittin# on t e rim of t e tub in t e cold( u#ly( and rudimentary bat room% 9eein# er !allor( t e tremblin# of er lon# ands( er absurd t inness encased in a blac& dress( I tried to c eer er by addressin# er as t e Muse of FI"y*D urmer% 9 e !aid no attention% )I0m #oin# a$ay() s e said% )4es2 , ere are you #oin#2) )I don0t &no$% But I0m in dan#er% )he $ill &ill me% Ar else she $ill ta&e me to t e ot er side of t e $orld( to countries $ ere I s all be at er mercy% % % 9 e $ill &ill me%) )Poison2 Re"ol"er2) )No%) In four $ords s e e-!lained o$ s e mi# t !eris % :our $ords of a

fran&ness to ma&e you blin&% T is $ould not be $ort tellin#( e-ce!t for $ at RenIe said t en% ),it er I dare not !retend or lie( because at t at moment s e lays er ear o"er my eart%) I !refer to belie"e t at t is detail and t e )dan#er() $ ic bot ( ali&e( seem to a"e been borro$ed from RJ% Toulet0s 2onsieur du Paur, $ere concei"ed under t e influence of alco ol% Per a!s( e"en( t e e- austin# Fesbian lo"er ne"er e-isted% Per a!s( in"isible( s e o$ed er stren#t ( er 3uasi*tan#ibility to t e last effort( t e last miracle of an ima#ination $ ic ( #ettin# out of and( brou# t fort # ouls instead of nym! s% , ile I $as on tour't e Baret Music Hall Tour'I $as una$are t at RenIe $as "ery close to deat % 9 e &e!t losin# $ei# t( al$ays refusin# to eat% In er s!ells of #iddiness( in t e aurora borealis of star"ation( s e t ou# t s e sa$ t e flames of t e Cat olic ell% 9omeone close to er !er a!s fanned t e flames( or described t em to er2 Mystery% Enfeebled( s e became umble and $as con"erted% Her !a#anism $as so little rooted in er% :e"er and cou# in# s oo& er ollo$ c est% I $as by c ance s!ared t e si# t of RenIe dyin#( t en dead% 9 e carried off $it er more t an one secret( and beneat er !ur!le "eil( RenIe Ji"ien( t e !oet( led a$ay' er t roat encircled $it moonstones( beryls( a3uamarines( and ot er anemic #ems't e immodest c ild( t e e-cited little #irl $ o tau# t me( $it unembarrassed com!etence1 )T ere are fe$er $ays of ma&in# lo"e t an t ey say( and more t an one belie"es% % %) Blond( er c ee& dim!led( $it a tender( lau# in# mout and #reat( soft eyes( s e $as( e"en so( dra$n do$n beneat t e eart ( to$ard e"eryt in# t at is of no concern to t e li"in#% Fi&e all t ose $ o ne"er use t eir stren#t to t e limit( I am ostile to t ose $ o let life burn t em out% Joluntary consum!tion is( I al$ays feel( a &ind of alibi% I fear t ere is not muc difference bet$een t e abit of obtainin# se-ual satisfaction and( for instance( t e ci#arette abit% 9mo&ers( male and female( in6ect and e-cuse idleness in t eir li"es e"ery time t ey li# t a ci#arette% T e abit of obtainin# se-ual satisfaction is less tyrannical t an t e tobacco abit( but it #ains on one% A "olu!tuous !leasure( A lasci"ious ram( crac&in# your s&ull a#ainst all obstacles( time and a#ain5 Per a!s t e only mis!laced curiosity is t at $ ic !ersists in tryin# to find out ere( on t is side of deat ( $ at lies beyond t e #ra"e% % % Jolu!tuaries( consumed by t eir senses( al$ays be#in by flin#in# t emsel"es $it a #reat dis!lay of fren+y into an abyss% But t ey sur"i"e( t ey come to t e surface a#ain% And t ey

de"elo! a routine of t e abyss1 )It0s four o0cloc&% % % At fi"e I a"e my abyss% % %) It is !ossible t at t is youn# $oman !oet( $ o re6ected t e la$s of ordinary lo"e( led a sensible enou# life until er !ersonal abyss of alf !ast ei# t in t e e"enin#% An abyss s e ima#ined2 ; ouls are rare%

S ); oul() )Jam!ire)'by t ese names t ey called a $oman no$ dead $ o e-!erienced t e $orst of er ill*fame t irty*fi"e or forty years a#o% 9 e $as described to me by an actress ac3uaintance( Amalia L( a former com!anion of mine on t eatrical tours% )U#ly( but c ic() $as t e $ay Amalia L described er( addin#( )9 e loo&ed "ery smart in a tail coat%) ), ic only ma&es one more ill*cut masculine suit() I said% Her !ortraits s o$ t at s e $as dar&*com!le-ioned( an#ular( t in* li!!ed( dis!layin# t e insolence of a t$enty*fi"e*year*old midinette dressed u! in men0s clot es on 9t% Cat erine0s Day% 9 e $as credited $it a"in# made a number of youn# $omen $retc ed( of a"in# dri"en one of t em to commit suicide beneat er $indo$( of a"in# bro&en u! se"eral marria#es( of a"in# incurred ri"alries t at at times ended in bloods ed% Her doorste! $as ea!ed $it floral offerin#s( and s e ad a re!utation for be a"in# $it incom!arable disdain% ,ell( no$5 9o many !ostulants and so fe$ c osen2 9urely t at is not t e balance s eet of an o#ress% It loo&s more li&e t e triflin# of someone $ o en6oyed inflictin# mental cruelties% To $rea& a"oc by !ractically abstainin# from sin is not t e be a"ior of a "ul#ar $oman% % % A ! oto#ra! si#ned $it er assumed name( Fucienne de **********( s o$s er in correct men0s e"enin# dress( correct but $it traces of bad taste( I mean to say( feminine taste% T e !oc&et and&erc ief !oints t$o inc es too i# 7 t e la!els of t e coat are too $ide( and t e style of t e s oes is dubious% Ane feels t at a feminine ima#ination( im!risoned beneat t e bared fore ead of t e s!urious man( re#rets a"in# been unable to let itself #o in 6abots( ribbons( sil&y fabrics% 9tran#e( t at a $oman li&e t is $ o ri"aled and defrauded men s ould a"e as er sin#le ambition to loo& and

act t e !art of a das in# youn# man about to$n% It $as ard for er to lea"e off er loo& of bra"ado% 9 e dated( as did er a##ressi"e and$ritin#( from t e e!oc of im!udent cocottes% Amalia L( t at #ood comic actress of road com!anies $ o died at t e be#innin# of t e $ar( ad been a ri"al of Fa Fucienne in many a con3uest and many a ris&y ad"enture% Amalia( if one $ere to belie"e er( ad not esitated to lea"e a slee!in# and satiated sultan and #o on foot( "eiled( t rou# t e ni# t streets of Constantino!le to a otel room $ ere a s$eet( blond( and "ery youn# $oman $as $aitin# u! for er% % % )And you must reali+e() t e $ort y Amalia confided( s ufflin# t e !ac& of tarot cards on a small #al"ani+ed table in a din#y cafe at Tarbes or Jalenciennes'I for#et $ ic ')you must reali+e t at Constantino!le t en( at ni# t( $as less safe e"en t an t e boule"ard de la C a!elle%) 9li# tly mustac ed( r eumatic( at t e end of er stren#t ( Amalia L still en6oyed life( $as still )tourin#) at o"er si-ty years of a#e( and recalled er !ast $it satisfaction% )I ad e"eryt in#() s e asserted( )beauty( a!!iness( misery( men( and $omen% % % 4ou can call it a life5) Her bi# andsome Israelite0s eyes rolled u! at t e mere t ou# t% )But() I said( )if bet$een your little amie and you t ere ad not been t e dar& streets( t e ris&s( and t e old man you ad 6ust abandoned( in s ort( ad t ere been no dan#er( $ould you a"e urried so ea#erly2) T e old comedienne loo&ed a$ay for a moment from t e Han#ed Man( t e Cu!s( t e 9$ords( and t e 9&eleton $ o smiled at er% )Don0t bot er me $it suc 3uestions() s e said% )I0m an old $oman( $ ic is already no 6o&e% , y do you $ant to de!ri"e me of t e illusion t at I $as once t e e3ual of a youn# man2) )9o you ad t e idea( $ en you left t e old Tur&( t at you sto!!ed bein# a $oman2) ):or ea"en0s sa&e( no5 Ho$ mi-ed u! you are5 ,e ne"er a"e to sto! bein# a $oman% Not on any account( my #irl% And e"en'#et t is into your ead'a cou!le of $omen can li"e to#et er a lon# time and be a!!y% But if one of t e t$o $omen lets erself be a"e in t e sli# test li&e $ at I call a !seudo*man( t en% % %) )T en t e cou!le become un a!!y2) )Not necessarily un a!!y( but sad%)

)A 2 E-!lain( !lease%) Amalia laid out cabalistically er !recious tarot cards( $ ic smelled of #reasy cardboard( old leat er( and t e tallo$ candles $ine*cellar ins!ectors carry rolled u! in a $orn*out old ba#% )4ou see( $ en a $oman remains a $oman( s e is a com!lete uman bein#% 9 e lac&s not in#( e"en insofar as er amie is concerned% But if s e e"er #ets it into er ead to try to be a man( t en s e0s #rotes3ue% , at is more ridiculous( $ at is sadder( t an a $oman !retendin# to be a man2 An t at sub6ect( you0ll ne"er #et me to c an#e my mind% Fa Fucienne( from t e time s e ado!ted men0s clot es( $ell5% % % Do you ima#ine er life $asn0t !oisoned from t en on2) )Poisoned by $ at2) ):rom t at time on( my !et( if er lady friends sometimes for#ot t at s e $asn0t a man( s e( for er !art( t e little fool( ne"er sto!!ed t in&in# about it% % % And so( des!ite all er successes( s e ne"er sto!!ed bein# resentful% T at obsession de!ri"ed er of slee! and of fait in erself( $ ic is e"en $orse% A ( s e $as a #ood s!ort( yes% But a discontented one% Mind you( I say discontented( not sad% A little sadness doesn0t urt a mena#e of t$o $omen% 9adness( you mi# t say( fills t e "oid% :ind a $oman $ o asn0t felt $istful o"er a !eriod in er life $ en s e $as sad5) )It fills t e "oid)'t e remar& smac&s of unise-uality% It de"elo!s from t e strict seclusion in $ ic a feminine !assion is confined( t at !eriod of sensual instruction( t at ri#orous induction $it out $ ic ( declared t e Duc de Morny( a $oman remains an unfinis ed s&etc %C T is enli# tened amateur in suc matters elaborates is t eory to suc an e-tent t at( if I remember correctly( $e understand e is not merely t in&in# of a )di!loma in sensuality) but seems to consider'since diamond !olis es diamond't at a $oman refines a $oman( lea"es er softened( more !liable( one mi# t still better say( bruised% Morny e"idently s!o&e as an e-!erienced man $ o $ould see& out a $oman for a darin# collaboration1 )I and o"er to you an incom!lete mar"el% % % 9ee t at you !erfect er and and er bac& to me5) )It $as t en() Amalia $ent on( )t at Fa Fucienne be#an to ma&e trouble% 9 e be#an to ado!t all t e mean $ays of lo"e1 t ere $ere affairs bro&en off $it out reason( t ere $ere reconciliations( but conditional( and se!arations( and unnecessary fli# ts( tearful scenes( and I don0t &no$ $ at all% % % An obsession% % % Foulou( a !retty blonde s e ad $it er( $ell( s e
C Journal des ;oncouit%

t re$ er out one ni# t alf na&ed into t e #arden to teac er a lesson and ma&e er decide $ at s e $anted( t at is( to c oose bet$een er( Fucienne( and Foulou0s usband% Before da$n( Fucienne leaned out o"er t e balcony1 0Ha"e you t ou# t it o"er20 s e says% 04es(0 says t e #irl( $ o $as snifflin# $it t e cold% 0,ell20 says Fucienne% 0,ell(0 says t e #irl( 0I0m #oin# bac& to Hector% I0"e 6ust reali+ed e can do somet in# you can0t%0 0A ( naturally50 says Fucienne( s!itefully% 0No(0 says Foulou( 0it0s not $ at you t in&( I0m not all t at cra+y about you &no$ $ at% But I0m #oin# to tell you somet in#% , en you and I #o out to#et er( e"eryone ta&es you for a man( t at0s understood% But for my !art( I feel umiliated to be $it a man $ o can0t do pipi a#ainst a $all%0) At t e end of t is story( Amalia commented1 )Did you e"er2 Fucienne e-!ected almost anyt in# but t at% 9 e too& it bad% 9o bad t at s e ne"er sa$ Foulou a#ain% , y are you lau# in#2) )My #oodness( at $ at Foulou said% It0s c ildis 5) Amalia le"eled on me er $rat ful bi# eyes% )C ildis 5 , y( my !et( Foulou sim!ly found t e un&indest t in# in t e $orld to say5) )I don0t see $ y% To me( er retort $as c ildis ( rat er comic%) )T e un&indest t in# in t e $orld( I re!eat5 9uc t in#s can0t be e-!lained% T ere are% % % subtleties% % % you a"e to feel t em% If you don0t understand( t en I can0t e-!lain it to you% And I really $onder $ at interests you in t ese sub6ects $ ic you don0t at all understand5 Fet me be( no$% 4ou0"e u!set me enou# in my 0fate05) 9 e lo$ered er lon# las es on er $it ered c ee&s and remained se"erely silent as s e read er fortune( mo"in# a #outy inde- fin#er o"er t e cards% % % Ho$ many times did I not )u!set er in er 0fate0)2 I !retended to be nai"e to ear er tal&% I lo"ed to searc er face( studyin# t e t ic& eyebro$s and t e Roman c in for traces of t at $arrior #irl $ o at ni# t urried t rou# t e alley$ays of t e Arient( !assed t rou# and outdistanced a number of dan#ers( and( on a body e-actly li&e er o$n( as if fondly !atterned on er o$n( ti# tened er arms% % % Her arms( t e final beauty( !olis ed( #reenis *$ ite as are t e arms of Tunisian Je$esses( and robust% % % arms t at ad cradled t e confident slumbers of youn# $omen and s immered t rou# t e "eilin# tresses of lon# air%

)Fisten( Amalia( see ere% % % , y do you su!!ose Foulou c ose to #o bac& to er usband2 Ho$ do you e-!lain it2) )I a"e not in# to e-!lain() said Amalia stiffly% )Besides( I ne"er said s e did #o bac&%) ), at $as er usband li&e2) )Jery #ood*loo&in#() said Amalia $it sudden &een sym!at y% )A andsome( fair* aired lad( #olden*blond( o yes( my #oodness( one of t ose bi# !eaceable fello$s% % % And no trouble at all to Foulou% In fact( rat er too !eaceable% % %) 9 e raised er eyes( focusin# t em on t e #olden* aired youn# man in t e far recesses of er memory( t en a#ain made er ostile estimate1 )4es( rat er s ifty% But "ery( "ery !atient% T e !atience of an an#el5) Jery !atient% % % )9ee t at you !erfect er and and er bac& to me5) As for !erfectin# er( $ell and #ood( but and er bac&2 , en I recall my con"ersations $it Amalia( I feel t at masculine im!rudence in suc a case is #reat% 9u!!osin# t e !recious osta#e( summoned to return to t e strai# t and narro$( told er lo"er( )No( I0m not comin# bac& to you( I0m better off ere t an across t e street)2 )T e im!ortant t in#( for Foulou( you see( $as to re"en#e erself $it a terrible $ord( to urt Fucienne%) )Hurt Fucienne5 A terrible $ord2 4ou ma&e me lau# ( you sound li&e a sc ool#irl% 9uc c ildis #oin#s on5 T e bi# !eaceable fello$ must a"e lau# ed arder t an I% He $as bidin# is time%) )C ildis #oin#s on2 Ho$ crass you are5 Ho$ dare you tal& li&e t at2) 9 e sur"eyed me contem!tuously( flarin# er nostrils( and er irritation e-a##erated t e ma6esty of er features( ma&in# t em loo& as if but a mas& o"er t at idden face t at s!oils t e loo&s of some $omen( t e face of a bad !riest( a face $ ic seems to denounce t eir secret sins% T is $oman( $ell !ast si-ty( still stood er #round a#ainst er trium! ant ri"al and dis!uted is ad"anta#e $it an im!atience t at imitated t e c ronically sul&y face of Fucienne% 4es( $ell and #ood as for !erfectin# t e #irl( but as for andin# er bac&% % % I find it interestin# to com!are t is tartness $it t e libertine calm of t e man $ o resi#ns imself( a moc&in# s!ectator( to $ait for t e $oman $ o for a time esca!es im( as if to say( )A you( I0ll nab you once more5)

9uc arro#ance and suc confidence deser"e to be re$arded( as in fact t ey nearly al$ays are% )Amalia( $ere you fait ful2) )To $ om2) said s e( sarcastically% )To your little friend2) 9 e affected a sudden disdain and raffis ness% )A 5 To $omen2 It de!ends%) )De!ends on $ at2) )An t e life $e led to#et er% If our $or& did not allo$ us to li"e to#et er( my little friend and I( t en I $asn0t fait ful% And neit er $as s e%) ), y2) I remember t at once more Amalia $earily s ru##ed( raisin# er "ast s oulders $ei# ed do$n by t e disastrous bul& of t e breasts $ ic !ulled t em for$ard% )T at0s t e $ay it is% , at do you e-!ect me to say2 It0s necessary to a"e #one t rou# it% And me( I did #o t rou# it% T at0s t e $ay it is% A $oman isn0t fait ful to a $oman $ o isn0t t ere%) At t is !oint I did not torment er furt er( for I felt sure s e $ould ne"er #o beyond t at boastful( )Me( I $ent t rou# it%) I li&ed to touc t e absolute limits of er i#norance and er sa!ience% About t$o &inds of lo"es s e &ne$ as muc as can be learned from e-!erience and a realistic ardi ood% T e $ells!rin# of er memories a"in# run dry( alon# $it er blusterin# #ood umor( I left er to er )Bna"e of 9$ords) and( $it out er( I !ursued t e sub6ect furt er%

N Ho$ Reluctant I am to andle dis!assionately anyt in# in creation as !erilously fra#ile as an amorous mena#e of t$o $omen5 T e time is !ast $ en I could be emotionally affected( but I still retain t e necessary

im!artiality( t e delicate !oint of "ie$ on $ at is really delicate and !oi#nant't e attem!t at a union of t$o suc creatures( almost in"ariably $ell*meanin# at first% % % In t eir e-alted state t ey for#et t at t ey are bein# s$ayed by t e nest*buildin# instinct of industrious females( destined to found and fill a ome( as t ey assemble t e materials for constructin# a sentimental refu#e1 t e roof unstable and immaterial( s ored u! by a!!osed fore eads( clas!ed ands( united li!s% % % 4es( I $ant to s!ea& $it di#nity( t at is( $it $armt ( of $ at I call t e noble season of feminine !assion% I $rite )noble season) and not )season of noble lo"e(0 for e"en if it as lost its !urity I can only com!are it to t e burnin#ly !assionate and c aste season of betrot als% T e noble season of lo"e( condemned by most !eo!le( s o$s its nobility by disdainin# unambi#uous sensual !leasure( by refusin# to reflect( to see t in#s clearly( and to !lan a future% , en could t ey lay old of a sense of t e future( t ose t$o enamored $omen $ o( at e"ery moment( demolis and deny it( $ o en"isa#e neit er be#innin# nor end nor c an#e nor solitude( $ o breat e t e air only # deu3, and( arm in arm( $al& only in !erfect ste! $it eac ot er2 It is t e !eriod $ en a monstrous life is establis ed( set u! li&e a contem!lation in front of a mirror( a life $ ose re#ularity $ould stifle normal lo"e% T e $oman $ o as #i"en erself to a man is belo"ed( is demandin#( but e"en at t e ei# t of er a!!iness s e can ne"er banis t e intermittent idea of e"entual loneliness1 )9ome day $ en he as #one% % % An t at benc I s all $ait for him% % %) Indeed( e"ery time s e re6ects er lo"er( is s e not e-tendin# t e dan#ers t at t reaten t e uman cou!le2 But it is ot er$ise $ en t e cou!le is formed a!art from a man% T$o $omen immersed in eac ot er do not fear( can no lon#er ima#ine a se!aration t at $ould be intolerable% T e !udicity t at se!arates t$o lo"ers durin# t e ours of re!ose( of ablutions( of illness ne"er insinuates itself bet$een t$o t$in bodies t at a"e similar afflictions( are sub6ect to t e same cares( t e same !redictable !eriods of c astity% % % A $oman mar"els at erself( is t rilled by er resemblance to t e $oman s e lo"es and !ities% % % Miracles of $ea&ness and of timid attainments5 In li"in# amorously to#et er( t$o $omen may e"entually disco"er t at t eir mutual attraction is not basically sensual'in contradiction to t e cynical o!inions e-!ressed by RenIe Ji"ien% A ( t e !at etically infantile and distrau# t cynicism of RenIe5 , at $oman $ould not blus to see& out er amie only for sensual !leasure2 In no $ay is it !assion t at fosters t e de"otion of t$o $omen( but rat er a feelin# of &ins i!% )A my sisters5) RenIe Ji"ien $as constantly si# in#% But in er "erse s e constantly !ictures er sisters as bein# more or

less lan#uis in#( torn $it an#uis ( soa&ed in salt tears% I a"e $ritten )&ins i!) $ en !er a!s I s ould a"e used t e $ord )similarities%) T e close resemblance e"en sets at ease sensual desire% A $oman finds !leasure in caressin# a body $ ose secrets s e &no$s( er o$n body #i"in# er t e clue to its !references% )A ( !oor little t in#5) , at a s$eet cry( full of !ride and com!assion5 T us a $oman lamented and cradled t e $oman s e lo"ed( $ om s e ad 6ust el!ed to reac t e !ea& of felicity% % % T en s e abandoned er to silence( ne"er obli#in# er to utter t ose $ords t at fan t e faintly #lo$in# embers but disru!t t e delicate solidarity t at is maintained only by incessant and united efforts% If( !arted( t e t$o s ado$s( re!licas of eac ot er'li&e t e s ado$s of t$o balustrades( slender ere( s$ollen t ere' allo$ an intruder to enter t e s!ace bet$een t em( it is enou# to ruin t e $ell*constructed edifice% And t e s ado$ !ro6ected on t e inter"enin# s!ace need not be t at $orst intruder( a man% T e most ordinary irru!tion can mortally c an#e t e steady ot ouse $armt in $ ic t$o $omen de"ote t emsel"es to t e culti"ation of a delusion% Aften it is a man $ o a!!ears( fait ful to is mission of enc antin# and e- austin# $omen merely by is da++lin# difference% By contrast( e seems t e "ery embodiment of lu-ury and ostentation% He is as necessary and nefast as a ri#orous natural climate( but e li&es to be desired as a su!erfluity% Accasionally t e female cou!le a"e time to bloc& u! t e route by $ ic e !enetrated( and eroically t ey a#ain li"e united( a"in# s ared e"eryt in#( e"en t e su!reme de!ri"ation% 9ome $ill say t at I #i"e t e smallest role to t e fe"eris !leasure of t e senses( in t is c a!ter $ ere $omen !ass and !ass a#ain( t$o by t$o% T e reason for t is is my con"iction t at 9a!! ic libertina#e is t e only unacce!table one% ,e can ne"er sufficiently blame t e 9a!! os met by c ance in restaurants( in dance alls( on t e Blue Train( on t e side$al&( t ose !ro"ocati"e $omen $ o lau# but cannot si# % ,e can ne"er brin# enou# t$ili# t( silence( and #ra"ity to surround t e embrace of t$o $omen% And so I mana#ed to &ee! my #ood umor $ en recallin#( $ en relatin# certain licentious traits of t at #ood soul( Amalia( $ o sinned t rou# #aiety $ en s e recounted er )bac elor0s life%) T$o $omen "ery muc in lo"e do not s un t e ecstasy of t e senses( nor do t ey s un a sensuality less concentrated t an t e or#asm( and more $armin#% It is t is unresol"ed and undemandin# sensuality t at finds a!!iness in an e-c an#e of #lances( an

arm laid on a s oulder( and is t rilled by t e odor of sun*$armed $ eat cau# t in a ead of air% T ese are t e deli# ts of a constant com!anions i! and s ared abits t at en#ender and e-cuse fidelity% Ho$ mar"elously com!act( t e re!etition of days( re!eated li&e t e reflections of a lam! in a !ers!ecti"e of mirrors5 Per a!s t is lo"e( $ ic accordin# to some !eo!le is outra#eous( esca!es t e c an#in# seasons and t e $anin#s of lo"e by bein# controlled $it in"isible se"erity( nouris ed on "ery little( !ermitted to li"e #ro!in#ly and $it out a #oal( its uni3ue flo$er bein# a mutual trust suc as t at ot er lo"e can ne"er !lumb or com!re end( but only en"y7 and so #reat is suc a lo"e t at by its #race a alf century can !ass by li&e )a day of delicious and e-3uisite retirement%) I a"e co!ied t ose last $ords( fallen a undred times from t e !en of Fady Eleanor Butler and a undred times sto$ed a$ay li&e a sentimental boo&mar&( bet$een t e !a#es of er Journal%K In May 8NNG( t$o $ellborn youn# #irls( related to t e ,els aristocracy( ran a$ay to#et er and( a"in# c osen t eir fate( cloistered t eir solitude( t eir reci!rocal tenderness for fifty*t ree years( in Flan#ollen( a small to$n in ,ales% Fady Eleanor Butler( t e elder of t e t$o( died at t e a#e of ninety% In 8GEK 9ir ,alter 9cott !aid a "isit to t e $omen( $ o $ere by t at time &no$n as )t e Fadies of Flan#ollen() and is son*in*la$ too& it u!on imself to tell us t at t ey $ere )ridiculous%) But in 8GEG Prince PTc&ler*Mus&au( $ ile a#reein# t at t eir old*fas ioned clot es did ma&e t em loo& )some$ at ludicrous() insisted t at bot ladies $ere c aracteri+ed by )t at a#reeable aisance, t at air of t e $orld of t e ancien r$%ime $ ic counteracted t is7 moreo"er( t ey $ere )courteous% % % $it out t e sli# test affectation( s!ea&in# :renc $ell() and abo"e all t ey $ere endo$ed $it )t at essentially !olite( unconstrained( and sim!ly c eerful manner of t e #rand society of t at day% % %) I a"e only one !icture of t em1 a re!roduction of a mediocre !ortrait !ainted to$ard t e end of t eir li"es% Fady Eleanor seems to be t e smaller of t e t$o% :acin# t e s!ectator( s e is stiffly encased in a blac& #arment of ea"y material( $it a ti# t little s!encer( a "oluminous s&irt( t e cut of t e outfit bes!ea&in# t e "illa#e dressma&er% Under t$o su!erim!osed s&irts( #at ered u! by t e left and of t e sitter( can be #lim!sed a little $ ite
K T is diary reads( on t e title !a#e( )Journal of E% B% and 9% P% In abitants of a Cotta#e in t e Jale of Flan#ollen( N% ,ales% ,ritten by E% B%) It is t e &ey document in The 4am5ood Papers, ed% by ;% H% Bell .Jo n Tra"ers/( Macmillan and Co%( Ftd%( 8<=>% , ere !ossible( $e are 3uotin# directly from t ese sources( rat er t an doin# a retranslation of Colette0s :renc "ersion( $ ile follo$in# Colette0s !lan( $ ic $as to omit dates and not e"en &ee! to t e c ronolo#y% At one !oint in t is c a!ter Colette $rites( )I translate ere and t ere( I re"erse t e order( and I do not e-cuse myself at all5) 'Translator0s note

!etticoat and s3uare*toed lo$* eeled sli!!ers% T e $it ered t roat is concealed by an ascot nec& scarf% T e outfit of Miss 9ara Ponsonby is identical to t at of Fady Eleanor( and t e same im!ortant to! at( a &ind of coal scuttle $it cur"ed brim( is $orn by t e t$o friends% T e ensemble does not abstain from includin# t e ine"itable accessories of t e !eriod'roc&y landsca!e( fountain s a!ed li&e a ba!tismal font( ;ot ic arc es( and $ ite $olf ound !layfully standin# on its fra#ile ind le#s% I $ould li&e to a"e &no$n t e faces of t ese t$o o!inionated ladies as t ey $ere $ en youn# and radiant $it mutual trust% But all I a"e in my ands is t e account of t eir life( $ ic I a"e read slo$ly and not $it out some difficulty in t e ori#inal te-t% T eir fli# t $as a #reat scandal( but once curiosity $as e- austed( to&ens of friends i! and esteem came from all !arts to )t e Fadies of Flan#ollen() and visites distin%u$es'Fady Eleanor em!loys t e :renc $ords'$ere ne"er lac&in#% Mme de ;enlis re!orts t at )bot ladies a"e t e noblest manners and i# ly culti"ated minds() but after t is be#innin# s e falls into res!ectable be$ilderment min#led $it !ity for t ose )im!rudent "ictims of t e most dan#erous e-altation of t e mind and eart) $ o( in t at e-cited state( ad e-c an#ed "o$s t at left t em )fore"er c ained to t eir mountain% % % In t e eyes of t e $orld( t e fate of a Carmelite must surely be less !itiable5) Fea"in# Mme de ;enlis to t e )torrents of tears) e-!ected in t e literature of t at time( I am inclined to !ut more fait in Prince PTc&ler* Mus&au( $ o $rites1 )Not in# beyond t eir cotta#e interests t e "enerable ladies% It is true( t eir d$ellin# contains some "eritable treasures1 a $ell* stoc&ed library( a deli# tful site and "ie$% % % A calm and !eaceful life( a !erfect friends i!% % % suc are t eir blessin#s% % %) T ey $ere #lad to die )res!ected%) T at is a $ea&ness old a#e rarely esca!es'one must also consider t at t ey $ere bot e-tremely $ellborn and $ell*bred% At t e source of t eir serenity( #oin# bac& a alf century( t ey at least could find( still $arm in its as es( t e romantic memory of t eir first elo!ement( t e $ild race at ni# t on foot t rou# mountainous roads( t eir feet bleedin# in fra#ile clot sli!!ers% % % T ey could remember t$o ni# ts out in t e o!en( slee!in# in a ruined barn( 9ara s i"erin# $it cold in s!ite of t e !rotecti"e arms around er'ni# ts of an-iety( of mountin# fe"er( and t en t e a!!roac of t e !ursuers #uided by t e bar&in# of 9ara 0s little do#%

Infatuated $it romance( t ey ad lea!ed from a $indo$ rat er t an lea"e by $ay of t e o!en door% T ey corres!onded $it eac ot er by secret means( bribed t e ser"ants( and( at t e moment of lea"in#( ad sei+ed firearms t ey did not &no$ o$ to use and fled on orsebac&( alt ou# t ey ad ne"er in t eir li"es sat a orse% % % T ere $ere com!lications( le#al !rocesses( tra#edies( c ildis tears% % % but from all t is a uni3ue sentiment s!ran#( strai# t and firm and flo$erin# li&e t e iris nestlin# a#ainst its #reen stem% T e youn#er of t e fu#iti"es( 9ara Ponsonby( $ en cau# t and ta&en bac& ome after t eir first fli# t( almost died of !neumonia as a result of it% In er fe"eris delirium s e &e!t re!eatin# er firm intention of dyin#( lea"in# off only to call out for er friend Eleanor% And t at friend )of robust c aracter) neit er $e!t nor screamed but esca!ed from er ome at ni# t and re6oined t e moribund 9ara ( idin# erself and li"in# in a cu!board% In s ort( $ at did t ey $ant2 Almost not in#% E"eryt in#% T ey $anted to li"e to#et er% , en at last t e t$o families yielded( o"er$ elmed( unable to ma&e ) ead or tail) of t is folly( of t is !ure but irre#ular !assion( t e t$o #irls suddenly became as #entle as tame do"es% In t e bosom of t e con3uered and tearful Ponsonby family( t ey serenely and $it an#elic cruelty or#ani+ed t eir final de!arture% )T ey dined $it us() $rites a Mrs% ;oddard in er diary( )and I a"e ne"er seen anyt in# so confident as t eir be a"ior% % % At si- in t e mornin# t ey set out as merry as !ossible%) :rom t at day on$ard( t e matter $as settled% A "o$ of reclusion descended on t is cou!le of youn# #irls( se!aratin# t em from t e $orld( "eilin# and c an#in# and rema&in# t e uni"erse in t eir eyes% In t e distance $ould rumble and t en die do$n t e storm of no*!o!ery riots in Fondon7 t e United 9tates $ould !roclaim its inde!endence7 a 3ueen and &in# of :rance $ould !eris on t e scaffold7 Ireland $ould re"olt( t e Britis fleet $ould mutiny7 sla"ery $ould be abolis ed% % % T e uni"ersal e-citement( t e confla#ration of Euro!e did not cross t e Pen#$ern Hills t at s ut in Flan#ollen( or disturb t e $aters of t e little ri"er Dee% ,e $ould &no$ not in# more of )t e Fadies of Flan#ollen) ad not t e elder( accordin# to t e fas ion of t e time( &e!t a diary( only t$ice interru!ted in forty*t ree years% As usual $it !erfectly a!!y !eo!le( t e youn#er $oman ne#lected all means of e-!ression and( mute( became a s$eet s ado$% 9 e $as no lon#er 9ara Ponsonby( but a !art of t at double !erson called )$e%) 9 e e"en lost er name( $ ic Fady Eleanor almost ne"er mentioned in t e diary% :rom t en on s e $as called )Belo"ed) and )Better Half) and

)Deli# t of my Heart%) No$ let us enter( full of a$e( t e fantastic atmos! ere( let us s atter t e ima#inary barrier( let us tread t e meado$s $ ere t e turf is as buoyant as a cloud and as #reen as t e #reen in our dreams( #ra+ed by a )sil"er and !ur!le ray) comin# from no one &no$s $ ere( laminated bet$een t$o mountains% % % Read Madame de 9I"i#nI% My Fo"e dra$in#% :rom se"en till nine in s$eet con"erse $it t e deli# t of my eart( o"er t e :ire% Pa!er0d our Hair% Incessant rain t e entire e"enin#% 9 ut t e s utters( made a #ood fire( li# ted t e Candles% % % A day of strict retirement( sentiment( and deli# t% :rom se"en till ten I read Rousseau% A day of Peace and deli# t% :elt and en6oy0d our retirement% A day of t e most !erfect and s$eet retirement% Rose at se"en% A s$eet s!rin# mornin#% % % Ten% My belo"ed and I dran& a dis of tea% % % A day of most delicious and e-3uisite retirement% My belo"ed and I $ent t e Home Circuit% % % 9oft fine rain% Be#an Les 2emories de 2adame de 2aintenon. I doubt $ et er t e Jul#arity of stile( absurd anecdotes( and im!ertinent reflections $ill !ermit me to read it% ,ritin#( Dra$in#( s$eet suns ine( blue s&y% 9oft smo&e from t e "illa#e ascendin# in s!irals% % % Birds innumerable% My belo"ed and I $ent a delicious $al& round Ed$ard E"ans0 field% % % I cannot el! but sto! to read a#ain and a#ain t at ! rase $ ic commemorates one day amon# many1 2y *eloved and I 5ent a delicious 5al6. . . Had s e been less sim!le and t ou# t more about $ at $ould become of er diary after er deat ( $ould Fady Eleanor a"e sto!!ed t ere2 To da++le !osterity and confound t eir detractors it $ould suffice for

t e t$o friends to a"e left on one of t ose s eets of !a!er used by 9ara for er !aintin#s of birds and flo$ers merely t at sentence $ ic tells t e $ ole story of t eir life to#et er1 2y *eloved and I 5ent a delicious 5al6. . . T ey )$ent t e Home Circuit) and $ent on delicious $al&s to#et er for fifty*one years% Durin# t e first years of t at c armin# stroll( did t ey $ear t e $ ite froc&s t at $ere in t e En#lis fas ion( $it a fic u crossed o"er t e bosom and loosely &notted beneat it2 T ese dau# ters of Muality serenely lac&ed money1 2y 4eart"s darlin% and I. . . sat *y the 7itchen 'ire, tal6in% of our Poverty. I $ould be $illin# to s$ear t at t ey tal&ed about t eir !o"erty as if it $ere one more blessin#( e-clusi"e( and ca!tured $it in t eir fenced enclosure1 our !o"erty( our #ooseberries( our darlin# co$ Mar#aret( our s oes t at $e are #oin# to brea& in( our air t at t e airdresser must arran#e% % % If Eleanor Butler did not $rite )our tomb() it $as( no doubt( because s e s ran& from t ose $ords $ ic touc ed u!on t e e-treme intimacy of t eir ultimate couc % But s e ne"er tired of ma&in# "eiled allusions to it1 A day of delicious retirement% In t e e"enin# my belo"ed and I $rote and si#ned a Pa!er% 9ealed it $it t ree Blac& 9eals and de!osited it in t e u!!er flat Dra$er of t e Des&% T ere to remain till after our Decease $ en $e trust t e re3uest contained in it $ill be accorded% Had s e not mentioned t e t ree blac& seals( $e $ould a"e in"ented t em( demanded t em% T ree blobs of blac& sealin# $a-( t e $inter ni# t( a solemn oat ( and t e t$o names affi-ed beneat t e oat % % % ,e smile% 9uc c ildis !erformances are common to so many !assionate lo"es5 , at is uncommon in so many !assionate lo"es is to endure alf a century( $it out c an#e or "ariation% Ha"in# said( $ritten( si#ned( e-c an#ed some $ is!ered $ords( listened to t e December $ind( t e t$el"e stro&es of midni# t( t e o$ls( and a"in# summoned all t e # osts in abitin# a ,els cotta#e( t e t$o friends li# ted a lantern and $ent out( and in and( to t e stables to !ay a call on )darlin# Mar#aret() t e co$% Beyond time( beyond reac % % % No$ and t en t ey briefly felt t e s oc& of reality% T eir fli# t $as muc tal&ed about and t e ne$s!a!ers sometimes recalled it% Fady Eleanor t en too& offense( $rote to influential friends( com!lained to er distin#uis ed &insmen% , at did t e blissful and mute 9ara Ponsonby t in& about all t is2 ,e s all ne"er &no$% T e diary

informs us t at on t e day in 8NG< $ en t e Comte de Jarnac "isited t e t$o friends and told about t e e"ents in Paris't e fli# t of Fouis LJI to Jersailles( is return( t e riotin# in t e streets( "arious orrors't e ,ell* Belo"ed $as finis in# a letter !ouc in $ ite satin $it #old initials bordered in s aded blue and #old( loc&*stitc ed in $ ite sil&( t e $ ole t in# emmed in !ale blue% And Fady Eleanor adds( )T e Comte de Jarnac% % % $ent a$ay and left us c armed $it im%) 9 e does not disdain to set do$n in er !recise and cold En#lis manner a summary of t e re"olutionary days( but s e immediately returns to more im!ortant t in#s% My Belo"ed and I $al&ed to Blaen Bac e% % % :ound a "ery !retty youn# $oman s!innin#% % % a little c ild $it a Doll( t$o fine do#s% % % a blac& and $ ite cat% % % Infantile ad"entures( fairylands of lo"e'and muc t at s e dared not say% A touc of uman res!ect !re"ents er from addin#( )a fairy sittin# in a clum! of bind$eed( a little man $it bird*feet% % % and a booted s3uirrel%) No( s e relates only $ at ordinary mortals can belie"e% My belo"ed and I #at ered olly berries( !rimrose and stra$berry !lants for our Ban&s% % % T en "isited a co$( sa$ er suc&lin# er son% % % $ent to t e ne$ #arden( #at ered #ooseberries% % % T e fantastic tale cares not a $ it for t e e3uino-es5 T e elastic turf( #reener t an #reen( can ne-t day be co"ered $it a crystal !o$derin# of frost% Abo"e t e cotta#e and its ill( did t ere e"en e-ist a season of fine $eat er or a season of bad $eat er2 No% T ere $as only Flan#ollen $eat er% 9oft fine rain% My Belo"ed and I $ent t e Home Circuit% Celestial lo"ely day% T e ma#ic of t is radiant friends i! reduced t e ,els "illa#ers to a state of adoration( and also seemed to affect t e "ery animals( $ ic became s!ellbound in t e "icinity of t e cotta#e%

A Rabbit in t e 9 rubbery% 9ent to t e "illa#e for ounds to unt it% No Noses% Nor indeed Eyes% Could neit er smell nor see t e Rabbit $ ic sat before t em by t e Fibrary $indo$% United for better or $orse( t ey disdained not in#% T eir beautiful ands unlin&ed to do ouse$or&( scatter seeds in t e &itc en #arden( oil t e furniture( !olis eac mar"el of t eir blessed and restricted uni"erse% Rose at si-% % % My Belo"ed and I $ent to t e #arden% % % 9o$ed t ree sorts of cucumber seeds% % % Ailed t e Parlour eatin# table $it t e 9!in amland recei!t% Dined in t e &itc en to let t e oil sin& in it% % % dined "ery comfortably on lamb and cold mutton% % % :ound Mar#aret ?t e co$@ at t e #ate $aitin# for admittance% A!ened it for er% ,al&ed round our little demesne( returned ome by t e lane% % % t e country in a bla+e of beauty% Intentionally I ne#lect all t e dates of t is Journal% Fady Eleanor noted t em $it care( no doubt fearin# t at t e fu#iti"e #old( t e immaterial dust of time $ould come all too 3uic&ly to dry t e in&% % % I do not mention t e numerous re"ealin# traits t at sli!!ed from t e !en of t e !ro"incial aristocrat $ ic Fady Eleanor Butler $as( #enial $it t e "illa#ers of Flan#ollen but ready to )refuse $it !ro!er contem!t) any )Creatures $it out names and certainly $it out manners) $ o try to !ass t rou# t e $ ite #ate% Alt ou# s e $as infatuated $it #enealo#y and !roud in later life t at t e )bon ton) came to "isit er and er amorous s ado$( s e sa$ to it t at t e "isitors did not stay too lon#% Moreo"er( t e cotta#e $as relati"ely small% Fady Eleanor does not detail( in t e Journal( t e arran#ement of t e room s e admires more eac day 8I am so sure it is li6e 2adame de )$vi%n$"s ca*inet), and if I mista&e not( t e $ords )t e bedroom) and )our bed) occur but once% En#lis readers( more strait*laced and more !er"erted t an I( are free to see in t is a !roof% % % but a !roof of $ at2 En"ious of a de"otion as tran3uil as t is( some $ould a"e it t at t ese t$o fait ful s!insters fell s ort of !urity'but $ at do t ey mean by !urity2 I !ic& a 3uarrel $it t ose $ o consider t at !attin# a youn# c ee&( fres and $arm and "el"ety as a !eac ( does not "iolate t e !ro!rieties but t at caressin# and li# tly $ei# in# $it t e cu!!ed and a rosy breast s a!ed

li&e a !eac is a cause for blus es( alarmed cries( slurs cast u!on t e c aracter of t e assailant% % % Ho$ ard it is for res!ectable !eo!le to belie"e in innocence5 A ( I &no$( I &no$ 3uite $ell t at t e c ee& remains cool( $ ile t e breast becomes e-cited% ,ell( so muc t e $orse for t e breast5 A indiscreet little breast( can you not allo$ us to o"er o"er you( selfis ly meditatin# and callin# u! "isions of !ul!y fruit( rosy da$ns( sno$y landsca!es2 Can you not allo$ us to $ander amon# t e !lanets or sim!ly t in& of not in#2 , y are you not li&e $arm marble( im!ersonal( la$* abidin#( and res!ectful of t e caressin# and2 ,e do not as& your o!inion( but t ere you are( at once de"oid of mystery( im!lorin#( and s amefully "irile% % % )In cases of !ublic morals() an old 6ud#e once said( )it is almost al$ays t e "ictim $ o is #uilty% % %) T e bedroom% % % our bed% % % , at I $ould li&e to a"e is t e diary t at $ould re"eal t e "ictim( t e diary t at t e youn#er of t is cou!le( 9ara Ponsonby( mi# t a"e &e!t% Eleanor( $ o s!ea&s for bot and $ields t e !en( as not in# to ide from us% T e secret ere is 9ara ( $ o says not in#( and embroiders% , at a li# t $ould be s ed by a diary s e &e!t7 surely s e $ould a"e confessed e"eryt in#7 no$ and t en t ere $ould be t e int of a subtle and !er a!s traitorous attraction( a $ealt of sensual effusions% 9ee ere( stout earted Eleanor( you $ o $ere res!onsible for all t e daily decisions( you $ o $ere so !rofoundly submer#ed in your ,ell*Belo"ed( $ere you una$are t at t$o $omen cannot ac ie"e a !erfect union2 4ou $ere t e !rudent $arden't e masculine element% It $as you $ o measured t e distance at $ ic t e real $orld must be &e!t( $ o #a"e to some !arts of a fe$ miles of rollin# countryside a !astoral as!ect% 4our urbanity( $ ic o!ened $ide t e cotta#e door to t e $ellborn !asserby( &ne$ still better o$ to s ut it% Prom!tly your modest turnout $as arnessed and you dro"e( you and your ,ell*Belo"ed( to$ard "illa#es( to$ard friendly nei# bors( to$ard certain "istas% T e same carria#e brou# t you bac& t e same e"enin#( and on your return 6ourney you ad $it you t e full moon( t e odor of ne$*mo$n ay( t e ootin# of t e $ood o$l% % % And e"ery midni# t for fifty years and more found you and your belo"ed reunited under t e roof tiles% And one ni# t1 )% % % ,e found on our bed( in t e bedroom( t e C ristmas #ifts t at our best friends and ser"itors% % %) Here t e ordinary reader smiles% Nor does e fore#o a sniff of amused su!eriority% But I am not an ordinary reader% I do not smile at t is our closed in u!on t$o $omen $ o( refusin# to be t e !arody of a cou!le( !ass t rou# ( lea"e out t e sta#e of s!urious nu!tials and attain t e refu#e of slee!in# to#et er( lyin# a$a&e to#et er( e-!eriencin# to#et er nocturnal

terrors% % % T e $ea&er one ti# tens er arms round t e nec& of t e elder one( breat es in t e odor of er t ic& air( #rits er teet ( !ermits erself neit er to sob nor to $ im!er1 )Ho$ far $e are from e"eryone5 Ho$ alone $e are% % %) And t e older $oman( menaced by no !eril( lays a !rotecti"e arm around er friend0s s oulder and in t e dar&ness clenc es er free fist1 )If anyone dared to come ere to ta&e er a$ay from me( I0d% % %) And in t e dar&ness s e listens to er o$n accelerated eartbeat( for t$o $omen $ o a"e resol"ed to li"e alone to#et er are ne"er safe% E"eryt in# is !ermitted t em e-ce!t one &ind of 3uietude% And t at is $ y I contem!late( $it a friendly and com!re endin# emotion( t e bedroom in"aded by fear and at last "isited by slee! and finally by t e da$n'the bedroom and the bed $ ere re!ose t$o s$eet( foolis creatures( so intensely loyal to a delusion% Fo"e( ouse$or&( #ardenin#7 in t e e"enin#( readin#7 "isits recei"ed and !aid bac&7 lon#( $orldly and detailed corres!ondence7 En#lis #ormandi+in#'cold mutton bein# fa"ored e3ually $it )t e fruit of t e Passiflora ser"ed $it su#ar and Madeira $ine)'and o$ time flies5 , at( as it already been t$enty years( already forty years t at $e are to#et er2 , y( o$ terrible5 ,e a"en0t yet said all $e $anted to say to eac ot er% % % May $e a"e a little res!ite( or else may $e be allo$ed to be#in all o"er a#ain5 And )A 5) says Fady Eleanor to erself( tremblin#( for s e $ill soon be ei# ty% )A ( t at !oor little t in#( t e Deli# t of my Heart( t at little one I s all lea"e all alone% % % , y( it $as only yesterday( only t is mornin# t at I noted in my Journal er touc in# $ay of #i"in# me my emetic( an-iously( $it t at #oodness t at is t e 6oy of my life% % % A ( t at dear c ild( my Better Half( $ o is only si-ty*si- and &no$s not in# of life% % %) It $as at about t is !eriod t at t e common!lace !ortrait I0m so fond of $as !ainted( t e !ortrait of t$o old s!insters in ridin# abits% % % And t e moment comes( not lon# after$ard( $ en Fady Eleanor Butler dies( at t e a#e of ninety% T e friend s e forsoo& $aited only t$o years to re6oin er in t e bed made u! in ad"ance in t e narro$ room !ro"ided for under t e secret of t e t ree blac& bees$a- seals% And at t is !oint( my confidence in t e silent embroiderer is restored( for alt ou# The 4am5ood Papers ma&e muc of a letter t e Du&e of ,ellin#ton $rote to t e one remainin# lady( no letter of 9ara Ponsonby be$ails er loneliness and #rief( and no$ ere does s e describe t e deat of Eleanor Butler or eulo#i+e t e c aracter of t e de!arted% Alone( berea"ed( s e s o$s erself $ort y of er yout ful self(

t at !roud and im!assioned #irl $ o at t$enty resol"ed to die% Just as a derelict clin#in# to a s!ar from t e s i!$rec& does not dream of countin# t e blessin#s e as lost( 9ara Ponsonby did not dream of mournin# aloud er lost friend% Her memorialist #i"es us only a s ort and final letter( com!letely to my taste( $ ic does not de!art from er !assionate silence but dis#uises it beneat t e musin#s of a #irl no lon#er youn#1 % % % A friend brou# t me 8S #eraniums( 8C of $ ic are !erfectly ne$ to me t ou# already !ossessed of I t in&( four*score "arieties% I $ill send you a list of t em( for t ou# Infants at !resent t ey may be !arents in 9!rin# and( some at least( be acce!table additions to yours in t eir Descendants at t at 9eason% I am "ery muc obli#ed for t e Heartsease seed% I am afraid it $ill be of "ery difficult culti"ation in t ese unfa"ourable times O

G Ei# teen undred and t irty*one% % % E-actly a century as !assed since t e deat of t at sur"i"or% Can $e !ossibly( $it out a!!re ension( ima#ine t$o Fadies of Flan#ollen in t is year of 8<=>2 T ey $ould o$n a car( $ear dun#arees( smo&e ci#arettes( a"e s ort air( and t ere $ould be a li3uor bar in t eir a!artment% ,ould 9ara Ponsonby still &no$ o$ to remain silent2 Per a!s( $it t e aid of cross$ord !u++les% Eleanor Butler $ould curse as s e 6ac&ed u! t e car( and $ould a"e er breasts am!utated% No lon#er $ould t ere be a "illa#e blac&smit $it $ om s e $ould a"e cordial relations7 s e $ould e-c an#e familiar remar&s $it t e #ara#e man% And already( t$enty years earlier( Marcel Proust ad endo$ed er $it s oc&in# desires( customs( and lan#ua#e( t us s o$in# o$ little e &ne$ er% E"er since Proust s ed li# t on 9odom( $e a"e ad a feelin# of res!ect for $ at e $rote( and $ould ne"er dare( after im( to touc t e sub6ect of t ese ounded creatures( $ o are careful to blur t eir trac&s and to !ro!a#ate at e"ery ste! t eir !ersonal cloud( li&e t e cuttlefis %

But'$as e misled( or $as e i#norant2'$ en e assembles a ;omorra of inscrutable and de!ra"ed youn# #irls( $ en e denounces an entente( a collecti"ity( a fren+y of bad an#els( $e are only di"erted( indul#ent( and a little bored( a"in# lost t e su!!ort of t e da++lin# li# t of trut t at #uides us t rou# 9odom% T is is because( $it all due deference to t e ima#ination or t e error of Marcel Proust( t ere is no suc t in# as ;omorra % Puberty( boardin# sc ool( solitude( !risons( aberrations( snobbis ness't ey are all seedbeds( but too s allo$ to en#ender and sustain a "ice t at could attract a #reat number or become an establis ed t in# t at $ould #ain t e indis!ensable solidarity of its "otaries% Intact( enormous( eternal( 9odom loo&s do$n from its ei# ts u!on its !uny counterfeit% Intact( enormous( eternal% T ose are bi# $ords $ ic im!ly consideration( at least t e consideration one o$es to !o$er% I don0t deny it% ,omen are little ac3uainted'it #oes $it out sayin#'$it omose-uality( but $ en t ey encounter it( t ey ado!t t e attitude im!osed by $oman0s instinct% T us( facin# t e enemy( t e rose beetle falls and !lays dead7 t e #reat crab( immobile( arc es its !incers7 t e #ray tarente li+ard clin#s( flattened( to t e #ray $all% ,e s ould not be e-!ected to do more t an $e can% A $oman $ om a man betrays for anot er man &no$s t at all is lost% Containin# er cries( er tears( er t reats( $ ic com!rise t e main !art of er forces in an ordinary case( s e does not stru##le( but di#s in or says not in#( fulminates scarcely at all( occasionally tries to find t e $ay to an unreali+able alliance $it t e enemy( $it a sin t at dates as far bac& as t e uman race( a sin s e neit er in"ented nor a!!ro"ed% 9 e is far from ado!tin# t e moc&in#ly licentious attitude of t e man $ ose $ife or mistress forsa&es im for anot er $oman1 )A you( I0ll #et you bac&%) Disillusioned( s e renounces $it bitter atred and carefully conceals er #reat uncertainty( $onderin#( ),as e really destined for me2) :or s e as more umility t an is #enerally belie"ed% But since er subtlety is limited in ran#e and since s e 6ud#es se"erely t e inclinations of t e mind( s e can ne"er mana#e to se!arate t e mental from t e ! ysical and stubbornly confuses ) omose-ual) $it )effeminate men%) In a certain !eriod of my yout ( I associated for some time $it "arious omose-uals( t an&s to one of Monsieur ,illy0s # ost*secretaries% I am recallin# no$ an e!oc $ en I li"ed in a sin#ular state of ne#lect and concealed $retc edness% 9till "ery !ro"incial'isn0t it so( dear Jac3ues*

Hmile Blanc e2'! ysically unsociable to t e !oint of sometimes a"oidin# s a&in# ands or not lettin# my and be &issed( I resented bein# isolated and for#otten in t e #loomy flat as muc as I resented bein# forced to a!!ear in society% I t erefore too& #reat !leasure in t e com!anions i! of t e secretary( li&e me a )# ost%) He $as youn#( $ellborn( c eerful( im!is ( and e made no secret of is omose-ual inclinations% He and I $or&ed't e e-!ression $ill still ma&e a fe$ of our collea#ues smile( amon# ot ers Pierre Jeber( Juillermo+( and Curnons&y'in t e same )$riters0 $or&s o!%) He confided in me and brou# t is friends to see me% ,it t em I felt youn#er( I reco"ered my actual a#e% I lau# ed( reassured in t e !resence of so many inoffensi"e youn# men% I learned o$ a $ell*dressed man dresses 'for t ey $ere for t e most !art En#lis and ad strict ideas of ele#ance( and t e same youn# fello$ $ o secretly $ore ne-t to is s&in a tur3uoise cross on a nec& c ain $ould ne"er a"e allo$ed imself uncon"entional ties or and&erc iefs% T$o rooms ad been set aside for me in t e con6u#al a!artment( a bedroom and a studio( $ ic I referred to !roudly as my )bac elor di#s%) In t at studio( $ ic $as e3ui!!ed $it a tra!e+e( t ere $as as muc lau# ter as in a boardin# sc ool( e-a##erated and yout ful lau# ter% But $ at stran#e tal& $ent on t ere bet$een #entlemen5 ), at0s a!!ened( my dear fello$( to your youn# bo-er2) )Bo-er2 I don0t a"e a bo-er5) )I mean( t at youn#ster $ o made cardboard bo-es for milliners and !erfumers%) )A ( t at one5 I a"e a !oor memory% 4ou s ould as& me about a certain fireman of t e city of Paris5) )A fireman2 Ho$ fri# tful5) As a "isitin# card is t rust out under an insult( an unmounted ! oto#ra! $as t rust beneat t e nose of t e disdainful one% )Ho$ fri# tful( really2 Ta&e a loo&5 T is may ma&e you c an#e your mind% And !lease note t e belt $it t e arms of Paris on it% % %) Internationally famous( $ell !reser"ed( my old friend C% de L( $ o as since died of old a#e and $ ose friends i!( yout ful s!irit( and c armin# manners I still miss( climbed t e t ree fli# ts of stairs not $it out difficulty% A dyed( s3uare*cut beard concealed( so e said( is )old cod#er0s

$attles%) T e stubborn effort to sur"i"e bede$ed is tem!les $it s$eat( $ ic e li# tly dabbed $it is and&erc ief% I can still see t e t inness of is and( on $ ic #reat "eins stood out( t e #ray of is 6ac&et( t e blue*#ray of is sil& and&erc ief( t e blue*#ray of is eyes t at $ere already faded( and t e fi-ed smile t at $idened is mout % % % T at old man( $ o $as as amed of not in#( mana#ed to s oc& no one% )Auf5) e si# ed( as e sat do$n% )A ( to be only si-ty a#ain5) Jean Forrain s!ea&s of im some$ ere in Poussires de Paris, referrin# to is e-ce!tional #ood loo&s( somet in# about )t e best !air of s oulders of t e century() if I0m not mista&en% ), y are you so out of breat 2 , ere a"e you come from2) as&ed a youn# man( insultin#ly% ):rom my mot er0s() re!lied C%( #i"in# imself t e !leasure of not tellin# a lie( for in fact e $as a tender and res!ectful son and li"ed $it almost centenarian mot er% He loo&ed t e youn# man u! and do$n and made a stin#in# re6oinder1 )9 e is t e only com!anion I a"e( sir% Has someone been tellin# you I a"e anot er2) is

, ile t e youn# man $as still tryin# to t in& of a retort or an e-cuse( C% burst into a s ort lau# ( t en turned to$ard me and added( )I a"e no ot er since t e de!arture of a youn# friend( $ o is tra"elin#%) )A ( yes2 , ere is e #oin#2) ), o &no$s2 He ad certain troubles t at made im decide to lea"e%) He ea"ed a dee! si# ( too& a s$allo$ of $ea& tea( and once more t e blue and&erc ief came into !lay as e dabbed is mout and tem!le% )He0s suc a nice boy( but absent*minded() C% $ent on% )Just ima#ine5 A lady in"ites im to er ouse for a cu! of ot c ocolate' e is attracti"e% He acce!ts t e in"itation'and as one of is $ea& moments% , ile tal&in# $it er( e a!!ens to dro! somet in#( I don0t &no$ $ at( into er cu! of c ocolate% Any$ay( t e lady $a&es u! t$o days later and finds'de!lorable coincidence5't at all er furniture as disa!!eared% 9 e t ou# t s e $as dreamin#( t e !oor lady% But no sooner did s e reco"er er senses t an s e lod#ed a com!laint a#ainst my absent*minded friend% And so( not $antin# to be mi-ed u! in a com!licated affair( e $ent a$ay% May ea"en return im to us5) ;i"in# me a $in& of is alert little dar& eye( my friend t e # ost*

secretary 3uestioned C% in a tone of sincerity% )Tell me( dear sir( isn0t t at absent*minded youn# man t e same youn# man $ o is su!!osed to a"e stran#led a Tur&is *bat attendant2) 9trai# tenin# u! $it a !roud 6er& t at $as es!ecially due to stiff muscles( t e old man defended imself $it a $a"e of is fine( $rin&led and% );ossi!( dear boy( #ossi!5 I0m a $ise man( I am ne"er 6ealous of t e !ast5) Tartness( t eatrical cynicism( affectation( nonsensical 6estin# com!rised t e tone !rescribed by t is ty!e of "isitor% 9ometimes "iolence( masculine or morbid( let out its brief cry( in6ected its brief $armt % :or instance( a mere boy( issuin# from t e distant times $ en #ood and e"il( min#led li&e t$o li3ueurs( made one( #a"e an account of is last ni# t at t e HlysIe Palace* Hotel1 )He made me feel afraid( t at bi# man( in is bedroom% % % I o!ened t e little &nife( I !ut one arm o"er my eyes( and $it my ot er and oldin# t e &nife( I $ent li&e t is at t e fat man( into is stomac % % % And I ran a$ay 3uic&5) He $as radiant $it beauty( $it ro#uis ness( $it a &ind of inci!ient madness% His listeners $ere tactful and cautious% No one e-claimed% Anly my old friend C%( after a moment( casually said( ), at a c ild5) and t en c an#ed t e sub6ect% Fac&in# #randeur and malice( C% resembled t e Baron de C arlus only #enerically% But it is t is !o$erful latecomer on t e sta#e( C arlus( $ o seems to ser"e as model( for e"en t ose $ o !receded im re#ard t emsel"es as $ea& descendants and !ay oma#e% Coura#e( if $e reduce t e $ord to its most ordinary and military meanin#( did !ermit C%( as it !ermitted C arlus( to #ra+e real dan#ers( sometimes to court t em'$it t is difference( t at C%( "ery far from a"in# t e masoc istic de"iation of C arlus( $anted only t e best and most a"ailable of $ at e li&ed best% )At eart( I0m a :renc milliner() e stated% At any rate( e did not re#ard at all i# ly t ese cosmo!olitan yout s( #ossi!y and #ras!in#( $ o offended t e ancestor $it t eir irony and crude familiarity% Aften in t eir com!any( rarely 3uestionin# t em and ne"er indul#in# in !ersifla#e $it t em( I reassured t ese men( of $ om I $ould be t e last to say t ey lac&ed "irility% A uman bein# $it a man0s face is "irile by t e "ery

fact t at e contracts a dan#erous $ay of life and t e certainty of an e-ce!tional deat % My stran#e friends discussed all sorts of t in#s in my !resence'"iolent deat s( ine"itable blac&mails( fleecin#s( s ameful la$suits( cra"ats( cuffed trousers( music( literature( do$ries( marria#es' a"oidin# no sub6ect of con"ersation in front of me( and I still $onder $ y society re#ards t is cate#ory of men as irres!onsible% T ey &no$ !recisely $ at t ey li&e and disli&e% T ey are a$are of t e !erils of t eir c osen $ay of life( &no$ t e bounds of t eir !articular !re6udices( and if t ey !ay li! ser"ice to caution( t ey often for#et it% T ey allo$ed me to s are $it t em t eir sudden outbursts of #aiety( so s rill and re"ealin#% T ey a!!reciated my silence( for I $as fait ful to t eir conce!t of me as a nice !iece of furniture and I listened to t em as if I $ere an e-!ert% T ey #ot used to me( $it out e"er allo$in# me access to a real affection% No one e-cluded me'no one lo"ed me% I o$e a #reat deal to t eir cool friends i!( to t eir fierce critical sense% T ey tau# t me not only t at a man can be amorously satisfied $it a man but t at one se- can su!!ress( by for#ettin# it( t e ot er se-% T is I ad not learned from t e ladies in men0s clot es( $ o $ere !reoccu!ied $it men( $ o $ere al$ays( $it sus!ect bitterness( findin# fault $it men% My stran#e omose-ual friends did not tal& about $omen( e-ce!t distantly and condescendin#ly% )Jery !retty( t at $ ite on $ ite beadin# t at Bady $ears in t e t ird act() t ey $ould say% Ar1 )A ( really( t ose enormous ats of Fantelme( I0m fed u! $it t em5 , y doesn0t s e !arcel t em out2) Absent yet !resent( a translucent $itness( I en6oyed an indefinable !eace( accom!anied by a &ind of cons!iratorial !ride% I eard on t eir li!s t e lan#ua#e of !assion( of betrayal and 6ealousy( and sometimes of des!air'lan#ua#es $it $ ic I $as all too familiar( I ad eard t em else$ ere and s!o&e t em fluently to myself% But my bra+en youn# men stri!!ed t e $ords and sentiments of t eir murderous force( !layed $it $ea!ons turned aside from me( for as yet I ad neit er t e stren#t nor t e desire to !ut myself in a safe !lace% T e )4oun# ;ree& ;od) ad not in# to fear from me( not e"en a &iss7 )Namouna) and )Ance More) babbled in t eir maternal ton#ues7 Edouard de Ma- !aid us a "isit( escorted by adolescents( li&e a #od escorted by nym! s% He flattered t em $it is eyes( scolded t em $it is "oice7 for t em e $as not in# but tutelary indifference( auteur( melanc oly( all sin#ularly aloof% A tyro in t e career of di!lomacy ad t e unfortunate idea of brin#in# alon# $it im one day is intimate friend( Bouboule( dec&ed out in a dress of blac& C antilly lace o"er

!ale blue sil&( is face sul&y beneat a $ide lace at( as uncout as a country $enc in need of a usband( is c ee&s !lum! and fres as nectarines'suc fres ness not sur!risin# in a se"enteen*year*old butc er boy% ,e $ere fro+en $it astonis ment( and a$are t at e $as meetin# $it no success( &ic&in# t e em of is s&irt $it is enormous feet( e left us% He did not #o far( a!!arently( for only a fe$ days later e committed suicide't e une-!lained and clumsy act of a bi# boy( uncertain and c a#rined% He s attered $it a re"ol"er bullet is !retty !outin# mout ( is lo$ fore ead beneat &in&y air( is an-ious and timid little bri# t blue eyes% % % My circle of friends did not e"en #i"e im t e briefest funeral oration% An t e ot er and( t ese same youn# men tal&ed e-citedly and endlessly about t e murder( in Fondon( of t e !ainter U% % % % T ey classified it as a #reat curiosity and studied it li&e men $ o( bot innocent and e-!ert( can easily deci! er t e cry!to#rams $ritten $it a &nife !oint on a slas ed t roat or $it s!urs on blood*stained t i# s% Ane of t ese friends recei"ed a lon# letter from Fondon $ ic e brou# t and read aloud% ,e all listened( reread( and absorbed it $it t e delectation of youn# $ild beasts tastin# blood% I eard s rill cries( oarse blas! emies in En#lis ( obscure !redictions1 )4ou0ll see( it0s anot er stro&e of t ose damned t ree*s illin# !rostitutes of t e% % %) He named a re#iment% )T ey2 4ou flatter t em5) )I &no$ $ at I0m sayin#% T ey0re ca!able of anyt in# t at $ill !ro"e t ey can be real e*men%) It may sur!rise some !eo!le t at I could secretly a!!ly t e name )oasis) or )island) to t is s ore a!!roac ed only by men tarred by t e same brus ( $ o arri"ed li&e t e sur"i"ors of a cataclysm% Jariously mar&ed( "ariously formed( t ey all came from afar( from t e be#innin# of time% T ey ad tra"ersed unscat ed e"ery e!oc ( e"ery rei#n( $it out !eris in#( li&e a dynasty sure of its e"erlastin#ness% 9elf*centered( blinded by t eir o$n brilliance( t ey a"e be3ueat ed to us only a one*sided and romantici+ed documentation% But( u! to no$( $ere t ey e"er obser"ed by any $oman for t e len#t of time t ey a"e been obser"ed by me2 Ardinarily a $oman ' and let0s say( an ordinary $oman'tries to entice a omose-ual% Naturally( s e fails% 9 e t en declares s e )des!ises) im% Ar else'and t e case is not rare's e $ins a ! ysical "ictory( $ ic #i"es er a cause for !ride7 s e as ac ie"ed a &ind of brilliant ad"anta#e o"er im( but futile and misleadin#(

because s e #i"es an e-a##erated im!ortance to e-ternal si#ns( if I dare say so% 9 e is bound to be disillusioned after$ard and $ill fore"er loudly lay claim to $ at s e calls er due% And from t is arises dee! resentment% 9 e( $ o easily renounces #ettin# from a normal man t e same )due() !ro"idin# er renouncement remains a secret( $ill not relin3uis er claims on a catc s e made by c ance and by mista&e% Po$erless to brin# about a re!etition of t e initial "ictory t rou# c ance and misc ance( s e ounds im and $illfully sin&s into an un eard*of amorous des!air% I $rote about suc a youn# $oman in L"Entrave, callin# er May and ma&in# er unreco#ni+able% Jealously and sus!iciously s e !ro$led about er lo"er( sub6ectin# im to suc a close $atc t at I re!roac ed er for it% ),ell( $ at about me2) May burst out% )Am I not !atient( a"en0t I been !atient for almost a year no$2 Do you t in& it0s natural to be li&e Jean2 A man $ o doesn0t #et drun&( doesn0t ma&e scenes( doesn0t recei"e in t e mail anyt in# but bills and !ostal cards( doesn0t e"er a"e a really #ood time( and is ne"er in t e dum!s2) ,rat fully s e clenc ed er tiny fists and s oo& t em t reatenin#ly at er in"isible ad"ersary( a cold( solidly built youn# man( rat er common $ en e tal&ed( irre!roac able $ en e remained silent% T en s e s ot me a #lance t at sent me !ac&in# and returned to er 3uest( #rumblin# and $ inin#% I must say t at( $it er snub nose( er $ide*set( !rominent( and #litterin# eyes( s e resembled a blond bulldo#% Alt ou# e $as "isibly bored( s e &e!t dra##in# Jean bac& to t e studio #ymnasium% ), at can you see in t at cou!le you first brou# t ere2) I as&ed my friend( t e # ost*secretary( referrin# to t is cou!le% )T e man is amusin#() e said "a#uely( after lettin# is birdli&e eyes( alert and blac& and ine-!ressi"e( lin#er first on t em and t en on me% )Amusin#5) I e-claimed% )T e $oman !er a!s( t at little clo$n $it out a nose% But t e man2) )I may be mista&en() said t e # ost( $it t e !unctilious !oliteness e &ne$ o$ to ma&e discomfitin#% But from t en on I noticed t at t$o !eo!le $ere s!yin# u!on May0s lo"er1 May and t e # ost% Insu!!ortable c atterbo-( but armless and friendly( May c atted for t e most !art $it t e youn#er of t e t$o En#lis men( t e one $ o $as called )Ance More%) T ose t$o innocents reco"ered t eir c ild ood on t e

tra!e+e( an#in# from t e rin#s( im!ro"isin# circus stunts( and Jean( all smoot surfaces( !atient( uncommunicati"e( lau# ed at t em rat er #rud#in#ly% Ane e"enin#( May and er #ymnastic !artner could be seen $ is!erin# and !lottin# to#et er7 t en t ey disa!!eared and May came bac&( ma&in# a #rand entrance( sim!erin#( dressed in t e na"y*blue suit of )Ance More() a scarf around er nec&( t e ca! slanted o"er one eye% ), at about it( Jean2) )Ra"is in#5 ;aby Deslys as an A!ac e5) e-claimed t e # ost% )4ou t in&5) said May( annoyed% ), y( I0m com!letely 0Ance More05 Dea me( fa$ncy seein# er ea 5) s e said( a!in# t e youn# En#lis man% )Can0t you see( Jean2) ,a##in# er i!s( s e a!!roac ed er lo"er and !ressed erself a#ainst im li&e a !et animal% I only sa$ t at e bent is ead to$ard er and t at is mout seemed suddenly to s$ell% May let out a stran#e little cry( t e scream of a cau# t rabbit( retreated to$ard me( and Jean e-cused imself to me( re!eatin# a#itatedly( )I didn0t do anyt in# to er( I didn0t do anyt in# to er%) But e could still not control is e-!ression( and is mout $as in fact s$ollen( is eyes !ale( #larin# $it atred at May( forbiddin# er to caricature a secret idol secretly re"ered% % % T en e controlled imself( and t e face e ad briefly e-!osed $as soon a#ain mas&ed% May coura#eously tried to #i"e anot er inter!retation to t e $eird scream of a $ounded rabbit s e ad uttered by re!eatin# it intentionally( on a "ariety of notes% And still s rie&in# )Eee5 Eee5) s e left t e room to !ut on er dress and er bi# !lumed at% , en s e rea!!eared( Jean stood u!( ready to ta&e er ome% But s e decided ot er$ise% )No( no( #o ome on your o$n( 6ust let me a"e t e carria#e( I $ant to #o to t e rue de Ri"oli to !ic& u! my fur*lined coat( it s ould be ready by no$%) He $ent off obediently( as if $al&in# in is slee!( and May( follo$in# im( #a"e me a s re$d and outra#ed loo&% But I ad not t e least desire to brin# t at !oor #irl to admit t e e-istence of a cate#ory of man $ o cra"es men( $ o is reser"ed for men and is as no-ious as t e fruit of t e tro!ical !oison tree to any $oman e a!!ens to attract%

Des!air born of frustration dro"e $omen( after t e $ar( to imitate t e loo&s and manners of andro#ynous youn# men% T ey ad rec&oned on t eir men bein# deli"ered bac& to t em full of fren+ied desire% T en( becomin# a$are t at t eir o$n a!ot eosis $as not "ery da++lin#( t ey be#an $ildly to imitate t e out$ard loo&s of t e male tribe t at $as causin# t em suc eartac e% T ey cro!!ed t eir air( s3uandered a fortune at t e s irtma&er0s( and dran& to e-cess% And t ey #ained no #round( for t ey $ere not disinterested enou# % ,it out meanin# to( t is be a"ior of $omen contributed to t e creation of a ty!e of youn# man bot effeminate and cruel( $earin# oc er ma&eu!( t in&in# only of #ettin# a ead( no matter o$% I find t is ty!e "ery different from my friends of 8G<G and 8<>> as I remember t em% T ey may a"e been scandalous( but only moderately so( and fatuous( but t eir e-tra"a#ance $ent no furt er t an t e moonstone and t e c ryso!rase% T ey $ere ridiculous( certainly( but in t ose by#one times t eir be a"ior did not com!letely dis#uise t em7 I could still reco#ni+e in t em a !rimiti"e bloom( t e stren#t of dece!ti"ely frail*loo&in# !eo!le7 I could still see in t em t e #ra"ity and t e sa"a#ery of lo"e% As I $rite t ese $ords( I am t in&in# of a cou!le $ o ne"er min#led $it my usual "isitors% % % But I am afraid t at if I merely s!ecify t at t e elder of t e t$o $as a sc olar( a !oet( a $riter( beautiful from ead to foot( e mi# t be reco#ni+ed% % % As for is !rote#e( is s&in reminded one of ri!e $ eat( of a!!le blossoms( and e ad t e di#nity of a c ild of old !easant stoc&( as indeed e $as7 e s!o&e little and listened attenti"ely to is tutor and friend% To#et er t ey li"ed a 3uiet life( outside Paris% I can still see t e ostile #lances t ey s ot at my flamboyant coterie $ en t ey une-!ectedly arri"ed one day% )9 % % %) $ is!ered t e elder( before e addressed me in a lo$ "oice% )Don0t disturb t ese% % % c armin# indi"iduals% ,e0"e 6ust dro!!ed in to say au revoir'$e0re #oin# a$ay( toni# t%) ), ere are you #oin#2) )To Touraine( $it t e youn#ster( for t e ar"estin#% T ey need is el!%) )And you2) )I too $ill el! $it t e ar"estin#%) He t rust beneat my eyes is $eat ered ands( t e ands of a #reat

tra"eler( is $rists as ard as sa!lin#s% ),e0re ma&in# t e tri! on foot() e added% )And not for t e first time% It0s so muc more a#reeable%) T e )youn#ster() is im!atient eyes a res!lendent blue( $as already $aitin# for t e si#nal to de!art( ea#er for t e lon# marc beneat t e June ni# t s&y( t e alts alon# t e road and t e "a#abond meals( t e $arm bread bou# t in t e "illa#es on t e $ay% 9 orter t an t e elder man( u!on $ om e modeled imself admirin#ly( t e boy carried imself easily( ead i# % , at $ould time do to suc an attac ment2 T e elder( &illed in action durin# t e $ar( $as not amon# t ose $ o let t emsel"es be for#otten% I $ill not be3ueat is letters to anyone% I $onder about t e youn#er one% , en e stirs t e $indro$s $it t e !itc for&( does e still feel a sin&in# of is eart t at $as once full to o"erflo$in#2 :riends i!( male friends i!( unfat omable sentiment5 , y s ould t e sob of ecstasy be t e one release denied you2 I am betrayin# a tolerance t at some $ill condemn as stran#e% It is true t at t e association of t e male cou!le I a"e 6ust briefly s&etc ed ad( for me( t e as!ect of union and e"en of di#nity% A &ind of austerity o"erlaid it $ ic I can com!are to no ot er( for it eld not in# of !arade or !recaution( nor did it s!rin# from t e morbid fear t at #al"ani+es more often t an it c ec&s so many amon# t ose ounded by society% I find it in me to see in omose-uality a &ind of le#itimacy and to ac&no$led#e its eternal c aracter% I used to be arc ly scandali+ed t at t e male $as attracted less( in t e female form( to t e c arm of a dee! snare( a smoot abyss( a li"in# marine corolla( t an to t e occasional assertion of t e $oman0s most "irile c aracteristics' and I am not for#ettin# t e breast% A man is attracted to$ard $ at can reassure im( to $ at e can reco#ni+e in t at con"e- feminine body $ ic is e-actly t e o!!osite of is o$n( dis3uietin#( ne"er familiar( $it its ineradicable odor $ ic is not e"en eart y but is borro$ed from sea $rac&( from t e ori#inal slime% % % T ose $ o el!ed me at t at time $ en my life $as not in# but constraint and a lie im!osed u!on me made it clear t at t e anti!at y of one se- for t e ot er is not necessarily !at olo#ical% As I mo"ed into ot er milieus( I noted t at t e "ie$!oint of )normal) !eo!le is not so "ery different% I a"e said t at $ at I !articularly li&ed in t e $orld of my )monsters) $ ere I mo"ed in t at distant time $as t e atmos! ere t at banis ed $omen( and I called it )!ure%) But( for t at matter( I $ould a"e li&ed as $ell t e !urity of t e desert( t e !urity of t e !rison% Prison and

desert are not( o$e"er( $it in t e reac of e"eryone% Tenderly( t en( I recall t e monsters $ o accom!anied me for a lon# $ay durin# t at !art of my life $ ic $as not easy% Monsters't at is a $ord soon said% 9o muc for monsters% , y( as to t ose $ o di"erted me from my troubles( I could name t em t us and im!lore t em from t e de!t s of myself( )A monsters( do not lea"e me alone% % % I do not confide in you e-ce!t to tell you about my fear of bein# alone( you are t e most uman !eo!le I &no$( t e most reassurin# in t e $orld% If I call you monsters( t en $ at name can I #i"e to t e so*called normal conditions t at $ere foisted u!on me2 Foo& t ere( on t e $all( t e s ado$ of t at fri# tful s oulder( t e e-!ression of t at "ast bac& and t e nec& s$ollen $it blood% % % A monsters( do not lea"e me alone% % %) T ey and I $ere confronted $it identical dan#ers1 an intractable man and a !ernicious $oman7 $e &ne$ $ at it $as to tremble $it fri# t% At times I t ou# t of t em as less fortunate t an I( because fri# t sei+ed t em une-!ectedly( ca!riciously( accordin# to t e state of t eir ner"es( $ ereas I al$ays &ne$ $ y my eart san& and $ y I trembled% But I en"ied t em( since many of t em $ere a!t to confuse !anic $it t e arousin# of t e senses% I en"ied t em t eir c imera( close*s ut in a ca#e and terrified% Ane of t em( of $ om I $as "ery fond( &e!t is !ersonal folly on a s ort and timid leas % He too& it for a breat of its "ital element in t ose !arts of t e city it and e &ne$( li&e t e C inese $ o #o at e"enin# to s o$ t eir ca!ti"e son#bird t e flo$erin# #ardens and t e reflection of t e settin# sun amon# t e reeds% Pe!e $as'deat no$ as im in safe&ee!in#'a 9!aniard of t e old nobility( a small man( rat er stiff and formal( c aste out of timidity( and a#reeably u#ly% He $as o!elessly in lo"e $it blue and #old( !ale #old( t e blue and #old of t e fair* aired $or&in# men in blue*denim co"eralls% To$ard si- o0cloc& in t e e"enin#( Pe!e $ould lean a#ainst t e balustrade of t e Metro and $atc ( s!ellbound( all t ose s ades of blue climb u! from t e dar& under#round( and t e robust nec&s and t e fair eads of air% He tasted a !leasure t at $as !urer t an t at tasted by t e men $ o are attracted to $or&in# #irls( for e neit er made a mo"e nor said a $ord% He ad #i"en me is friends i! and unbosomed imself to me in is :renc ( $ ic $as correct but accented% No one as e"er tal&ed to me as e did of t e color blue or of #olden air curlin# li&e s a"in#s around a reddened ear( or of t e !un#ent !o!ulace of blond youn# $or&in# men% )Pe!e() I said( )$rite do$n $ at you a"e 6ust told me5)

Modest Pe!e( s oc&ed to t e de!t s of is lyrical feelin#s( lo$ered is eyes% )T at $ould not be at all amusin#( my dear%) An fine $arm e"enin#s e too& endless $al&s( searc in#( findin#( and fleein#% T e morose Paris of summertime became for Pe!e an inferno( "olu!tuous and almost tro!ical% He described t e $retc ed streets t at I did not reco#ni+e( for under t e "ault of t e t$ili# t s&y e set( li&e a to$er of sil"er and #old( blue #enerator of li# t( some !lumber0s a!!rentice $it Jenetian blond air( some metal $or&er s!an#led $it co!!er% :or a lon# time e lo"ed t ose blond( blue*clad youn# males as one lo"es t e immense sea( its e"ery sur#e and s$ell% But one day t e tide of si- o0cloc& $ ic em!ties t e metallur#ical and electrical $or&s o!s out onto t e streets of Paris set before Pe!e a nameless blue( blue of for#et*me*not( of aconite( of #entian( of s3uill( $it a #olden !ennon streamin# across t e face of% % % )A 5) stammered Pe!e% )Jercin#Itori-5) He !ressed bot ands a#ainst is eart t at $as at lon# last torn( and s ut is li!s% :or a man as t e ri# t to murmur audibly )AdDle) or )Rose) and to &iss in !ublic t e !ortrait of a lady( but e must stifle t e names of Da! nis or Ernest% Pale( $in#ed li&e t ose $ o #o to t eir deat ( Pe!e follo$ed Jercin#Itori-% An t e collar of t e ;aul( in t e folds of t e elbo$( and e"en on is boots( a fine fres !o$der of metal s!ar&led( and sometimes is enormous mustac e( obeyin# t e e"enin# bree+e( almost $ i!!ed t e bac& of is nec&% He $ent into a nearby ta*ac so suddenly t at e bum!ed into Pe!e( $ o( stun# by a !oint of t e streamin# mustac e( sta##ered% Pardon, monsieur, said Jercin#Itori-% Da+ed( Pe!e told imself t at e must be dreamin#% )Ar else I0"e 6ust died() e t ou# t% )T e boy e-cused imself5 He loo&ed at me5 He as 6ust loo&ed at me a#ain% % % , at0s a!!ened to my &nees2 My &nees $on0t old me u!( but still I &ee! #oin#( I0m follo$in# im( I% % %) He sto!!ed t in&in#( for Jercin#Itori-( turnin# around li&e an im!udent street urc in( ad smiled at im% )I felt() Pe!e related( )t at s atterin# !an# $ ic $arns us( dee! in slee!( t at a a!!y dream is endin#% But I could not sto! follo$in# im( and a alf our later I $as climbin# be ind Jercin#Itori- a stee! staircase and $as sittin# do$n in a small bedroom( "ery clean( "ery 3uiet( $ ere t ere

must a"e been net curtains( for e"eryt in# seemed $ ite% Jercin#Itori- ad said( 09it do$n(0 and ad #one be ind a #round*#lass door% I belie"e I remained alone for 3uite a $ ile% 9uc a t in# ad ne"er a!!ened to me before% I told myself( 0My ea"ens( e may &ill me% % %0 And I t ou# t( 0A ( if only e $ould &ill me%0 Because I reali+ed t at not in# better could a!!en% At last t e door o!ened a#ain and Jercin#Itori-% % %) He clenc ed is boyis fists and ban#ed t em to#et er% )No( not Jercin#Itori-5 No more Jercin#Itori-5 A ( $ at a orror e $as5 He ad !ut on a $oman0s c emise laced $it ribbons( cut lo$% And do you &no$ $ at e ad on is ead2 A% % % I almost don0t dare to say it% % %) He s$allo$ed ard( made a face as if sic&ened% )He ad on is ead a $reat of !om!on roses% Pom!on roses% ,it lea"es% And $it t at soft !retty mustac e belo$ it% % % His beauty dis onored5 A ( $ at a s ameful mas3uerade% % %) He fell into a bitter silence% I 3uestioned im% )But t en $ at( Pe!e2 After$ard2) )After$ard2 , y( not in#() e said( astonis ed% )4ou !er a!s don0t find my story amusin# enou# % After$ard( I $ent a$ay% I #a"e im somet in#( left it on t e table%) )Ha"e you seen im a#ain2) )No( t an& you "ery muc () said Pe!e( $a"in# is and% )I can see im $ell enou# in my ima#ination% % % $it t e !om!on roses% Ne"er a#ain in my life do I $ant to ear anyone tal& about !om!on roses% % %) T e fortunetellers t at e fe"eris ly consulted't e $oman in t e rue Coulaincourt $ o fell into trances( t e $oman $it t e candle( t e $oman $it t e tarot cards( t e $oman $it !ins'&e!t !redictin# t e same t in#( and Pe!e $ent from one to t e ot er( leadin# a t reatened life( for t e !yt onesses ne"er sto!!ed !redictin# t at a bi# blond $oman $as #oin# to brin# im to #rief% T ey sa$ er 3uite easily t rou# Pe!e0s small( slender body( $ ic $as attracti"e t rou# some ard*to*define in"alid0s ele#ance( t e auteur of a unc bac& $it out a unc ( t e #race of t e lame man $it out a s ort le#% , en e finally ad enou# of #i"in# t e soot sayers t e confused and tra"estied ima#e of is infatuation( e disa!!eared( let imself be for#otten( t en de!arted is uncomfortable life by an e-tremely tactful suicide( carefully !re!ared( colorless and $ell*bred( a suicide t at

disturbed no one%

< T ey a"e so !erfected t eir art of dissimulation t at by com!arison e"eryt in# else seems im!erfect% , en I ad to dissimulate( I ad my models ri# t t ere before my eyes% I ad t e daily e-am!le of a di!lomacy laboriously !racticed merely in t e ser"ice of !assion and resentment% I recall o$ a youn# man and is lo"er $ o $ere obli#ed to e-ercise #reat !rudence $ere unmas&ed by a c atterbo- and rat er scandalously se!arated% T e one most urt of t e t$o s!ent mont s on end tryin# to find a $oman $ o $ould be attracti"e to t e c atterbo-0s usband and succeeded all too terribly $ell% 9ubmer#ed in t is !ro6ect( e for#ot imself( rele#ated is #rief to a secondary !lace( studied and com!ared( arran#ed meetin#s( sei+ed o!!ortunities% Aut of s eer e- austion( e confided in me% Arri"in# $it is armless loo& of a youn# intellectual rat er $orn and a##ard from is t an&less $or& of translatin#( e $ould sin& into a dee! En#lis armc air( #reen and ideous( lean bac& in it( and say( )I need to rest a $ ile%) , ic $as a lie( for e s ut is eyes out of circums!ection( as a !riest in t e confessional s uts is eyes( se!aratin# imself from t e !enitent t e better to see t e form of t e sin% To dissimulate and &ee! u! t e dissimulation o"er a lon# !eriod $it out e"er fla##in#( t rou# silences( t rou# smiles( to a!!ear to be an entirely different !erson't is rele#ates t e triflin# e-a##erations of #ossi!s to a 3uite inferior cate#ory% It is a tas&( as I0"e ad occasion to notice since( $ ic is only !ossible for t e youn#7 it is almost a &ind of secretion( as nati"e to youn# !eo!le as an insect0s ability to elaborate its orny $in# s eat ( its cas3ue and corselet of ard c itin% % % It $ould be a !ity to let t e memory of all t is be lost% I &ee! it( as I &ee!( from t ese e-!eriences( t e ability to see beneat t e surface and to out$it t e admirable artifices of c ildren and adolescents% T rou# t is ability I en6oy better t an many adults t e forbidden !leasure of !enetratin# t e $orld of t e youn#( its bras

lies( its elaborate and nai"e constructions% :ar from resentin# my clair"oyance( my !o$erful yet !uerile o!!onent $it is multi!licity of faces en6oys t e #ame( #i"es u! $ en cau# t( and s o$s $it a deli# ted blus t e e-act sensiti"e !oint I a"e struc&% Insi# t't e titillatin# &nac& for urtin#5 Re$ard #ranted for measurin#( for intuitin# t e oscillations( t e !endulum s$in#s of )#i"e and ta&e)5 A force t at decreases does not #o $it out a!!ro!riatin# to itself in !assin# some 6u-ta!osin# and consentin# forces% ),e come to you for $armt () declare my youn# friends of bot se-es( $earin# t eir yout ful $ounds li&e decorations( some of t em still #listenin# $it a trace of fres blood( battered from recent blo$s% ),arm us( ma&e us $ell5) t ey re!eat% Many of t em come to crouc do$n close to me and $ait( restin# a confused ead a#ainst my &nees% % % A innocents5 I tremble lest t ey be mista&en and( startin# out as mendicants( may find t ey are t e #i"ers of life% 9 all I e"er &no$ $ at I ta&e from t ose $ o a"e trusted me2 Did I o$e t em not in# more t an to $arm t em2 To recei"e from someone a!!iness't ere0s no a"oidin# usin# t at $ord I do not com!re end'is it not to c oose t e sauce in $ ic $e $ant to be ser"ed u!2 9cru!les come to me( as usual( by e-tra uman routes% T e feelin# as #ro$n in me t at I o$e a debt to t e animals $ ic a"e dedicated t eir brief e-istence to me% Am I t eir #uardian2 My role is more nearly ra!torial% Per a!s( after all( t e true friend of animals is t e one $ o #roans in e-as!eration( )A ( o$ t at do# $ears me out5) )Ta&e a$ay t is cat( I can0t t in& $ ile e0s in t e room5) , ile I &no$in#ly e- aust t e do#( since e al$ays yields( and usually $ en I say( )Come( !uss() I see t e cat urry for$ard( e"en if reluctantly( and t e cat is t e abundant reser"oir from $ ic I dra$ secret clair"oyance( $armt ( fantasy( self*control% Birds are too far remo"ed from us( alt ou# t e tufted titmouse s o$s a !reference for me% But I remember t at )catless) !eriod of my life( $ ic lasted about t$o years( $as a time out of 6oint( a barren e!oc % , et er one as to do $it an animal or a c ild( to con"ince is to con3uer and subdue% Just t$o undred ste!s from t is table li"es a little four*year*old #irl $ o fears neit er s!an&in# nor t under and li# tnin# nor $as!s( and so assured is s e of er !o$er of seduction t at s e is !ractically uncontrollable% 9ometimes( to$ard t e end of t e day( $ en er fat er is ya$nin# $it ner"ous e- austion( $ en t e "iolet s ado$s t at rin# t e lar#e eyes of er youn# mot er ma&e t em seem lar#er( t e c ild0s nurse( $ ite*faced( comes to fetc me1 )he is terrible% )he did not $ant to ta&e er na! t is afternoon% ,e are $orn out( but she is as fres as a daisy% % %)

T en I climb t e nei# borin# alley$ay( and I confront t e All* Po$erful% :ar from treatin# me as a scarecro$( t e All*Po$erful smiles at me( #reets me( and starts a con"ersation on t e e-a##erated im!ortance #i"en to ste$ed !eac es in er alimentation( for instance( or s e critici+es my $ay of dressin#1 )4ou0re not at all !retty in !a6amas( I li&e you better in a s&irt() or s e $ill s o$ a #reat fondness for ancient :renc fol&lore and $ill sin# an old ditty for me1 )Early t is mornin# Ra#otin*dandy Dran& so muc brandy T at e0s sta##erin#( 9ta##erin#5 )S My role is to act indifferent and to read beneat t e c an#in# features of t e All*Po$erful er real t ou# ts% 9 ameful metier( in $ ic I succeed all too $ell% , y is it t at( $it out means ot er t an my eyes and $ords( I lea"e t e All*Po$erful mollified and o"ercome $it slee!2 9eein# er so sensible and smilin# $it self*satisfaction( I am reminded of a !air of little orses( #lossy $it indolence and oats( $ ic ( ta&en from t e stable and arnessed( immediately bro&e t e s afts and t e traces% ,e arnessed t em a#ain and t ey $ere soft as soa! beneat my ands( trottin# s$eetly $ en I too& t em a#ain from t eir master% )4ou a"e t e and of an old coac man( a and t at !uts a orse to slee!() e said( by $ay of !raisin# me% :or some uman bein#s are utterly unac3uainted $it a certain &ind of !iracy% But my ri"al( t e All*Po$erful( $ill a"e er turn( $ en I become enfeebled% Ho"erin# o"er me li&e a dra#onfly( s e $ill murmur( )T ere( t ere% % % Rest( #o to slee!() and to my astonis ment I s all slee!% ,e0"e not reac ed t at !oint( yet'o ( t at in"oluntary start of !ride5'I am still stron# enou# to be la"is $it my #ifts as $ell as to !lunder t e ric es of ot ers% If I ad no e3uals( I $ould tire of t is t$ofold occu!ation( t is actin# li&e a robber one minute and li&e a s!endt rift t e ne-t% But( a!art from t ose
S Ce matin( Ra#otin A tant bu de brande"in Mu0il branle5 Mu0il branle5

indi"iduals $ o urriedly let t emsel"es be filled by me( lea"in# me em!ty and dra$n( and a!art from t e su!erabundant ones( still $orse( $ ose indi#estible contributions I 3uic&ly re6ect( t ere s!reads a +one $ ere I can dis!ort $it my e3uals% I a"e more of t ese t an I could a"e e-!ected% T ey are usually 6ust emer#in# from t e $orst &ind of yout ( t e second c ild ood% T ey a"e lost t eir solemnity and a"e ac3uired a sane notion of $ at is incurable and $ at is curable'for instance( lo"e% In#eniously t ey fill eac day from one da$n to t e ne-t( and t ey a"e an ad"enturous s!irit% T ey !ercei"e( as I do( t e !ernicious element in daily $or&( and t ey do not lau# $ en I re!eat t e 3ui! of a #reat 6ournalist $ o died youn# and in arness1 )Man is not made to $or&( and t e !roof is t at $or& tires im%) In s ort( t ey are fri"olous( as a"e been undreds of eroes% T ey a"e become fri"olous t e ard $ay% And t ey secrete from one day to t e ne-t t eir o$n et ics( $ ic ma&es t em e"en more understandable to me and colors t em "ariously% T e t in# $e all a"e in common is a certain diffidence1 $e ne"er dare to s o$ o!enly t at $e need eac ot er% 9uc reser"e acts as a code of be a"ior and constitutes $ at I call our )eti3uette of sur"i"ors%) Cast u!on a roc&y coast by t eir dismasted "essel( s ould not t e sur"i"ors of t e s i!$rec& be t e most considerate of messmates2 It is $ise to a!!ly t e oil of refined !oliteness to t e mec anism of friends i!% Fisten no$ to my friend( t e !ainter*en#ra"er D%( and is Polynesian tactfulness% He ad ceremoniously !re!ared is "isit by a tele! one call( and no$ e enters and noiselessly occu!ies t e $ ole room( li&e a cloud% )Madame Colette( I a"e come to e-cuse myself( I cannot dine $it you tomorro$% I0m sorry( I0m really "ery u!set( but since I0"e !romised% % %) He lo$ers is eyes in is reser"ed $ay( is $ide s oulders fill t e $indo$( bloc&in# t e li# t as e stands t ere( dense and motionless as a $all% He s!ea&s in an almost inaudible "oice( $it out #estures( 3uite a$are t at a mo"ement of is body( is suddenly raised "oice could brin# do$n t e ceilin# and s atter to bits my collection of mil& #lass% )I $ould not a"e allo$ed myself to !romise() D% #oes on in a urried $ is!er( )but it0s a rat er e-ce!tional circumstance% I0m e-!ectin# a friend% ,e a"en0t seen eac ot er in a lon# time( it $ill soon be fi"e years( 6ust ima#ine% I s ould e-!lain t at e as been absent% % % He0s a lad $ o as ad troubles( a #reat many troubles% He0s returnin# from a distance and is #oin# to feel "ery disoriented% T e fact is( e $as accused of a"in# &illed is #randmot er and cut er u! into !ieces'$ at $on0t t ey t in& u! ne-t5 Not

only did t ey accuse im( t ey condemned im( li&e t at( $it out !roof% And $orse still( t ey uneart ed't e $ord is e-act'an old yarn concernin# a little #irl $ o ad been more or less ra!ed% % % All t is $as 3uite badly demonstrated% In s ort( my friend as been a$ay for fi"e years% Just ima#ine o$ c an#ed e $ill find t in#s5 9o I !romised to meet im at t e station and to a"e dinner $it im tomorro$% By 6o"e( all t ose t in#s t at a"e been said about im% % %) T e ri#idly e-tended arm of D%( li&e a su!!ortin# beam( di"ides t e room into t$o !arts( on t e one side )t e t in#s t at a"e been said) and on t e ot er side t e sentimental trut % )% % % I sim!ly disre#ard% But $ at I can assure you( Madame Colette( and I &no$ im $ell( is t at t e boy is% % %) A bi# and( s!read flat( mar&s and co"ers t e location of an e"en #reater eart( $ ile is "oice( muffled $it tenderness( murmurs li&e t e rustlin# of lea"es1 )% % % is infinitely #entle and refined% I mi# t a"e as&ed your !ermission to brin# im $it me to dinner( but I felt I must refrain from ma&in# suc a re3uest% % %) , ile s!ea&in#( t e bi# man is tenderly andlin# a tiny fri#ate in s!un #lass7 no$ e loo&s u! at me( flas in# me a facetious #lance( is eyes as innocent as t ose of a youn# #irl1 )% % % because my friend is so s y% % %) I allo$ t is last $ord to &ee! all its nai"e "alue% Not t at( $ en listenin# to im( I am du!ed by so muc artlessness'no more t an D% imself is'or if so( 6ust barely% T at an assassin may be !rudis or ner"y( one can allo$7 it is by no means sur!risin#% , at I find si#nificant $ en listenin# to D% is is res!ect for my !ersonal conce!tion of is c aracter% An ideo#ram is com!rised of ea"y and li# t stro&es( one must often !ress do$n ard $ en tracin# a !attern( must use in a decorati"e $ay t e dar& stain in t e bac&#round% Instinct and unbridled Herculean stren#t do not alone im!el my friend D% to settle a !ublic ro$ by &noc&in# t$o cra+ed eads to#et er% Not in one day or s!ontaneously is a t ou# tful )Polynesian) li&e D% fas ioned( or a )c ild of nature) suc as I% He and I and ot ers li&e us come from t e distant !ast and are inclined to c eris t e arbitrary( to !refer !assion to #oodness( to !refer combat to discussion% Ta&en to#et er and in #ood com!any( are t ese mental liberties enc antin#2 Certainly% 4es( yes% And $it out dan#er'$it out any ot er dan#er t an not to a"e any more dan#er to run%

But scarcely a"e I !raised t ese !arallels and affinities $ en I cease to en6oy myself and be#in to feel a malaise suc as one e-!eriences in t e #reat museums amon# t e cro$ded master!ieces( t e !ainted faces( t e !ortraits in $ ic life continues to sur#e $it baleful abundance% Remo"e from me e"eryt in# t at is too s$eet5 Arran#e for me( in t e last t ird of my life( a clear s!ace $ ere I can !ut my fa"orite crudity( lo"e% Merely to a"e it before me and to breat e it in( merely to touc it $it and or toot ( it &ee!s me youn#% , at t en as c an#ed bet$een us( bet$een lo"e and me2 Not in#( unless myself( or lo"e% E"eryt in# t at !roceeds from lo"e still $ears its color and s!reads it o"er me% But t is 6ealousy( for e-am!le( $ ic blooms in its side li&e a dar& carnation2 Ha"e I not too soon !luc&ed it2 Jealousy( debasin# sus!icious( in3uisitions( reser"ed for t e ours of ni# t and nudity( t e ritual ferocities( a"e I not too soon said #oodbye to all t ose daily tonics2 Jealousy lea"es no time to be bored7 does it e"en lea"e time to #ro$ old2 My #randmot er( t e mean one't at $as t e $ay I distin#uis ed er from t e ot er #randmot er( $ o $as a!!arently &ind'at si-ty years of a#e and more( follo$ed my #randfat er to t e door of a certain petit endroit. , en my mot er $as scandali+ed( t e 6ealous old Pro"encal lady au# tily instructed er1 )E ( my #irl( a man $ o $ants to decei"e us mana#es to esca!e t rou# e"en smaller oles%) Her #ray*#reen eyes $ere s aded by lo$ reddis eyebro$s( s e mo"ed $it a dense cor!oreal ma6esty( in $ide blac& taffeta s&irts( and $ en so close to t e end( s e did not esitate to treat lo"e familiarly( $it sus!icion% I belie"e s e $as ri# t to do so% It is ri# t not to deny one0s self too soon all familiarity $it t e bi# im!ressi"e #estures $ ic only 6ealousy can teac us( t e bi# facile and murderous #estures( meticulously !remeditated( so masterfully accom!lis ed in ima#ination t at it is foolis and !ointless to carry t em out% T e feminine faculty of antici!atin# or in"entin# $ at can and $ill a!!en is acute( and almost un&no$n to men% A $oman &no$s all about a crime s e may !ossibly commit% Maintained( if I may so e-!ress it( in a !latonic state( amorous 6ealousy stimulates our #ift of di"ination( strains all t e senses( reinforces self*command% But $ at $oman as not been disa!!ointed in er crime( once s e as committed it and t e murdered lo"er lies t ere at er feet2 )It $as finer( t e $ay I !lanned it% Is blood on t e ru# al$ays dull and blac& li&e t is2 And t at stran#e loo& of discontent( t at disa!!ro"in# slee! on a face( is it deat ( really deat 2)

9 e !referred er dreadful crime $ en s e $as carryin# it $it in er( ea"y and "ibrant( finis ed in e"ery detail and ready to brea& out into t e $orld( li&e a c ild in t e last ours of #estation% )But it didn0t need to a"e all t is reality% % % Reality ma&es it seem so old( so common!lace and borin#% But no$ ere it is( t e our of my #reatest torment( t e our $ en I or#ani+e eac day a ne$ settin# for my #reat torment( for t e u!s and do$ns t at I ad not yet ima#ined( a catastro! e( a miracle% I did not $ant to e-c an#e my #reat torment e-ce!t for !eace 'if I a"e been mista&en( $ at $ill become of me2) 9 e !ercei"es t at murder is al$ays a fool0s bar#ain% But s e acce!ts it $it difficulty( stubbornly s e re#ards as an end $ at is only a be#innin#% Hence s e must #o on umiliatin# erself until s e reali+es t ere are only t$o &inds of uman bein#s1 t ose $ o a"e &illed and t ose $ o a"e not &illed% I a"e ad occasion to descend to t e "ery de!t s of 6ealousy( a"e settled into it and t ou# t about it at #reat len#t % It is not an unendurable so6ourn( alt ou# in my $ritin#s in by#one days I belie"e I com!ared it( as e"eryone does( to a so6ourn in ell( and I trust t at t e $ord $ill be !ut do$n to my !oetic e-a##eration% Rat er( I $ould say( it is a &ind of #ymnast0s !ur#atory( $ ere t e senses are trained( one by one( and it as t e #loom of all trainin# centers% Af course( I am tal&in# about moti"ated( a"o$able 6ealousy( and not about an obsession% T e sense of earin# becomes refined( one ac3uires "isual "irtuosity( a ra!id and us ed ste!( a sense of smell t at can ca!ture t e !articles de!osited in t e atmos! ere by a ead of air( a scented !o$der( t e !assa#e of a bra+enly a!!y !erson'all t is stron#ly recalls t e field e-ercises of t e soldier or t e y!ersensiti"e s&ill of !oac ers% A body absolutely on t e alert becomes $ei# tless( mo"es $it somnambulistic ease( rarely colla!ses and falls% I $ould #o so far as to affirm t at it is so !rotected by its state of trance t at it esca!es t e ordinary e!idemics( !ro"ided( naturally( t at one res!ects t e ri#id and s!ecial y#iene of t e 6ealous !erson( eatin# enou# and disdainin# dru#s% All t e rest is( accordin# to one0s c aracter( as borin# as any solitary s!ort( as immoral as a #ame of c ance% All t e rest is a series of $a#ers lost or $on( es!ecially $on% ), at did I tell you2 I told you He $as meetin# er e"ery day at t e same teas o!% I $as sure of it5) All t e rest is com!etition1 in beauty( in ealt ( in obstinacy( in salacity( e"en% All t e rest is o!e% % % Jealousy e"en t ri"es on omicidal desires% Ine"itably% C ec&ed( t en released briefly li&e an elastic band( it almost as t e "irtues of an e-ercisin# a!!aratus% Fea"in# aside t e ours dar&ened by sensual desires( $ en one is al$ays ready to s out )9to! t ief5) and to !ose as bein# mistreated and

star"ed for lo"e( I deny t at t e !an#s of 6ealousy &ee! us from li"in#( $or&in#( e"en be a"in# li&e res!ectable !eo!le% Ho$e"er( I see I a"e 6ust em!loyed( carelessly( t e e-!ression )to descend into t e de!t s of 6ealousy%) Jealousy is not at all lo$( but it catc es us umbled and bo$ed do$n( at first si# t% :or it is t e only sufferin# t at $e endure $it out e"er becomin# used to it% I am callin# u!on my memories ere( my most fait ful memories( t at is to say( t ose t at do not demand t e el! of su!erfluous accessories suc as a ni# t of $ind( a mossy stone benc ( t e bar&in# of a do# in t e distance( arabes3ues of li# t and s ado$ on a $all or on a dress% Jealousy( by its tinctorial !o$er( instills a stron# and definiti"e color to e"eryt in# it encounters% If I $is ( for e-am!le( to resuscitate a carnal moment')t us I $as caressed( t us I caressed( yes( t us( t us% % %)'an ironical mist ides and deforms $ at a!!ened( $ at is no lon#er timely% But let a certain ! ase of t e moon ta&e( at my order( its customary !lace in t e s&y( and simultaneously let a certain decayin# elbo$*rest at a $indo$ s!linter beneat my fin#ernail( as it did t irty years a#o( and t e t$o com!ose an escutc eon of 6ealousy( and I see( on a field "ert( t e #reen of fine( stiff $oodland #rass !iercin# t e dead lea"es $it its lances and brandis in# t em in t e air% A flat Moon( round( t en $anin# and less round( $orm*eaten old $ood( "arious ot er alle#ories( are you all t at remains to me of a !ossession otly and "ainly dis!uted2 No( I no$ a"e t e ability to t in& about 6ealousy $it out e-!eriencin# burnin# trans!orts( and can ear t e ec o of a name as if it $ere merely t e distant and musical drone of an enormous s$arm of bees% T at is $ at constitutes one of t e by no means ne#ati"e recom!enses( considerable( t ou# "a#ue( li&e one of t ose di!lomas in $ ic t e $ ole !lace of onor on a !arc ment is filled $it t e $ord DIPFAMA% , o $ould t in& of tryin# to deci! er t e fine and com!licated calli#ra! y belo$ t at $ord( faded and dim in t e #loom of a !arlor2 Fi&e e"eryone( I a"e $anted deat and a little more to claim a $oman( t$o $omen( t ree $omen% % % I am tal&in# no$ about t ose acts of sym!at etic ma#ic $ ic do not seriously arm anyone( not e"en t e one $ o casts t e s!ells( !ro"ided t e !eo!le concerned are stron# and earty% T ey $ill #et off $it a confused and transient uneasiness( a feelin# of lan#uor( a fe$ sli# t s oc&s suc as mi# t be caused by a fin#er laid on one0s s oulder% But t ese are t e messa#es t at are sent by lo"e as $ell as by ate( so I cannot #uarantee t eir com!lete armlessness%

Durin# a rat er burnin# season of 6ealousy( I myself ran some ris&s% A ri"al of mine( "ery insecure in er a!!iness( t ou# t of me stron#ly( and stron#ly I t ou# t of er% But I made t e mista&e of lettin# myself #o bac& to my $ritin#( $ ic demanded my attention( and to abandon my ot er tas& of anta#onism( of daily and secret defiance% In s ort( I !ost!oned my curses durin# t ree or four mont s( $ ile Madame L continued ers( de"otin# er lon# ours of leisure to t is% And I soon became a$are of t e results of suc ine3uality% I be#an by fallin# into a ditc in t e Place du TrocadIro( t en I cau# t bronc itis% T en( in t e Metro( on my $ay to t e !ublis er( I lost t e last !art of a manuscri!t of $ ic I ad not &e!t a du!licate% A ta-i dri"er s ort*c an#ed me( lea"in# me on a rainy ni# t $it out a sou% T en a mysterious e!idemic bore off t ree of my An#ora &ittens% % % To !ut an end to t e series of misfortunes( I ad only to arouse myself from an ine-cusable ne#li#ence and to return once more to an e"en e-c an#e of mental tra6ectories $it Madame L% And $e li"ed on mutually bad terms until t e bond bet$een us $as $orn out and s!ace ceased to be a !at $ay of $ic&ed beams of t ou# t( a ar! of resonant $a"es( a starry et er un# $it si#ns and !ortents% I $as not t e only one to re#ret it( for $e ad 3uarreled $it out feelin# any fundamental anti!at y% Time recom!enses onorable ad"ersaries% Mine( as soon as s e sto!!ed bein# an ad"ersary( ad some deli# tful anecdotes to tell $ ic could amuse only oursel"es% )Ane day $ en I $as #oin# to Rambouillet to murder you% % %) T e rest of t is story $as a #ay "aude"ille( an in"ol"ed tale of a missed train( a stalled car( a #old*mes andba# t at burst o!en at t e bottom( s!illin# out an indiscreet re"ol"er u!on t e Rambouillet !a"ement( of ino!!ortune encounters( of a friend $ o read in t e !eri$in&le blue eyes of Madame L a omicidal intent and by some fond di!lomacy di"erted er from it% % % )My dear() s e e-claimed( )6ust count all t ese little a!!enin#s $ ic raised c ance obstructions bet$een you and me in t e to$n of Rambouillet5 Can you deny t at t ey $ere !ro"idential2) );od forbid5 T ere is one( es!ecially( t at I $ould ate to for#et%) ), ic one2) )4ou see( I $asn0t in Rambouillet at t e time% I didn0t set foot t ere t at year%) )4ou $eren0t in Rambouillet2)

)I $as not in Rambouillet%) ),ell5 T at is t e absolute limit5) T is limit re"i"ed( for some un&no$n reason( a little of t e former resentment in t e !eri$in&le eyes t at 3uestioned mine% But it $as only a fleetin# #leam% In "ain $e tried'in "ain $e still try'to u!set eac ot er by "iolent ar#uments( a tone of defiance 3uite out of &ee!in# $it our calm remar&s1 $e soon reco"er our cordial relations% T e !o$erful bond t at $as our yout ful and mutual atred can no lon#er unite us% ,it t at beautiful blue*eyed $oman( $ ose li# t c estnut air $as e-actly t e s ade of mine'and $it suc and suc anot er and still anot er $oman'I a"e ceased to e-c an#e( s all ne"er more e-c an#e because of a man and t rou# a man t at menacin# t ou# t( t ose reflections from mirror to mirror( t at tireless emanation $ ic $ron#ed t e lo"er imself% % % ), at are you t in&in# about2) e as&ed t em% T ey $ere t in&in# about me% )But $ ere are you( !lease2) e as&ed me $ en e sa$ I $as not listenin# to im% )In t e moon2) I $as in s!irit close to some $oman( my in"isible !resence $as u!settin# er% ,e lac&ed not in#( t ose $omen and I1 $e ad e"ery &ind of trouble% Half$ay bet$een t em and me( in an immuni+ed +one( )He) lorded it( not as um!ire but rat er as t e !ri+e o"er $ ic $e fou# t% )T ey)'t e men'are not fond of suc subtle #ames and dread t e fury of t$o females loc&ed in combat% But a contest( e"en a terrible one( demands somet in# more t an !assion% It demands s!ortsmanli&e 3ualities and an e3uable tem!er e"en in t e "ery midst of ferocious feelin#s% I do not a"e one 6ot of t e s!ortin# s!irit( and t erefore I indul#ed in fantasy( dealt blo$s belo$ t e belt t at must be counted as foul or as failin# to obey t e rules of a #ame% I committed only one real fault( but I re!eated it and $as duly !unis ed% , ic $as only 6ust% An old sayin# $arns us ne"er to #i"e eit er a boat or a bird% I $ould add1 or a man% To be#in $it ( because a man ne"er'e"en $ en e s$ears it on our ead or on t e Holy Boo&'a man ne"er belon#s to us% And if by c ance e lets imself be treated as our !ro!erty( e"en #ladly( e is so constituted t at e $ould ne"er for#i"e us for it% And since e rarely for#i"es t e a!!y beneficiary( once a#ain renouncement $ill a"e s!oiled e"eryt in#% If you succeed( as I did( in sublimatin# t e se-ual dri"e and !uttin# it in t e ser"ice of ea"en &no$s $ at mortifyin# 6oy or e#alitarian madness( you $ill see t e furious flo$er of 6ealousy stri!!ed of its t orns( alon# $it t e condi#n e#otism of t e uman cou!le%

, at $ould a fat er confessor t in& of t ese a#reed*to abdications( t e andin#*o"er of t e ri# ts of t e bed2 I am sure of is res!onse( I $ o a"e ne"er ad an aut ori+ed confidant% He $ould t in&( as I do( t at t ere is somet in# about certain con6u#al !ermissi"eness t at reminds one of t e stuffiness of a closed room( and t at t e calm surface of t ese s!urious families of doubtful res!ectability is $orse t an e3ui"ocal% Can one e-ist on lu&e$armness2 No better t an one can li"e on "ice'$ ic ( incidentally( stands to lose not in# in suc con6u#al arran#ements% , at a lot of time $asted in absolutions5 T e most imbecile of all is t at $ ic literature as sanctified as )t e eternal trian#le%) Its s oc&in# "ariations( its acrobatic as!ects of uman !yramid "ery 3uic&ly discoura#ed t e esitatin# !oly#amous societies% , at $oman( no matter o$ foolis and unsettled( could be made to belie"e t at one !lus one e3uals t ree2 9!ea&in# as an onloo&er( a cool* eaded $oman I &no$( uncon"entional but not $it out lucidity( assured me t at in an eternal trian#le t ere is al$ays one !erson $ o is betrayed( and often t$o% I li&e to t in& t at t e one most constantly betrayed is t e !atriarc in camera, t e clandestine Mormon% He $ell deser"es it( in is traditional role of a%ent provocateur, and as a small* scale !as a% His snare( a crude one( since it is not in# but se-ual satisfaction( is set a#ainst im( if one of t e t$o $omen e brin#s to#et er im!ro!erly as some stren#t of c aracter and $it olds erself for t e benefit of t e $ea&er $oman( $it dra$in# from t e arran#ement t at as set t em face to face( or( to !ut it more coarsely( mout to mout % T e $ea& one normally yields( s eds er "eil( demands a tender relations i! $it t e ot er $oman and #i"es er un3uestionin# de"otion% )Trust me utterly( since I no$ a"e not in# to ide from you( I feel !ure( I am your ally and no lon#er your "ictim%) ,omen !air off li&e t is oftener t an one mi# t t in&% But a"in# entered t is state by a narro$ tunnel( t ey !refer and are entitled to &ee! t eir union secret% Not lon# a#o( one $oman of suc a !air died( and er friend 3uite literally san& into a decline% 9 e did not ma&e aste( s e did not $oo deat ( nor did s e see& $ at s e could ne"er a#ain !ossess( $ at s e ad ne"er o!ed for( $ at s e e-!lained so confusedly1 )No( s e $as not li&e a dau# ter to me( for I doubt t at #enuine maternal feelin# e"er rids itself( e"en momentarily( of all ostile feelin#% No( s e $as not li&e a lo"er to me( for I for#ot t at s e $as beautiful( t at $e ad come to#et er in des!ite of a man( in t e dee! and #ro$in# indifference $e felt to$ard t at

man% ,e $ere 6oined in an infinity so !ure t at I ne"er t ou# t of deat % % %) As t at $ord )!ure) fell from er li!s( I eard t e tremblin# of t e !lainti"e )u() t e icy lim!idity of t e )r() and t e sound aroused not in# in me but t e need to ear a#ain its uni3ue resonance( its ec o of a dro! t at tric&les out( brea&s off( and falls some$ ere $it a !las % T e $ord )!ure) as ne"er re"ealed an intelli#ible meanin# to me% I can only use t e $ord to 3uenc an o!tical t irst for !urity in t e trans!arencies t at e"o&e it'in bubbles( in a "olume of $ater( and in t e ima#inary latitudes entrenc ed( beyond reac ( at t e "ery center of a dense crystal%