4 Steps to 'Change What is in Yourself' 4 Steps to 'Change What is in Yourself' Can you take a second to remember back to a time

in your distant past when you w ere starting to learn a new skill? It could be when you were learning your seven-times-table at school; 1 x 7 = 7, 2 x 7 = 14, 3 x 7 = 21... I always remember that one being particularly difficul t, as I was ill when they did that one at school and it took me ages to learn it ! Or it could be when you were learning how to drive. Remember those times when if you learned to drive with a gear stick or (stick shift for our American cousins ) - you thought you d never work out which foot had to go where? Or it could be when you were first learning how to read the Qur an. Didn t you wonde r if you d ever work out how to read all those back-to-front words? Re-learning Confidence When we start to learn a new skill, it sometimes seems so difficult, but we pers evere and eventually, master the skill and then, looking back, we wonder why we found it so difficult. For each skill you have learned already you went through a similar process of change to eventually master it, and you can go through that same process when you want to increase your confidence and self esteem. We were all born with masses of self confidence; we could do anything; we could conquer the world; the world was our oyster. But with time, experience and selfconsciousness, many of us unlearned that feeling. This is particularly true for us sisters, as we tend to take it to heart when people criticise us and we often generalise the slips and errors we make to mean that we are total failures! So, if you can unlearn how to feel confident, you can also re-learn it. You can re-learn to have confidence in yourself and your ability to do something new or to do something that you find scary. Confidence isn t something you just acquire b y wanting it, there is no magic wand that anyone can wave to make you be a confi dent person; it s something that you can re-learn and re-master, if you put your m ind to it, persevere and work through the stages of change. One of the best models to that describes the process of change is the Conscious Competence theory, which describes four steps: 1. Unconscious Incompetence One of my favourite verses from the Qur an is when Allah tells us that: "Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is i n themselves." (Surah Al-Rad, 13:11) But you can only change yourself when you realise that you need to, want to or t hat it would be beneficial for you to change. There are many sisters out there w ho are blissfully unaware of the need to make changes in themselves; that they c an increase their confidence in order to live their life in the best way they ca n as a Muslimah and that they would reap the benefits from doing so. Before these sisters will be willing or even able to make changes, they will nee d to be made aware of the potential by a good friend, a relative, a coach, a wor k review process or maybe particular circumstances that they find themselves in

that raise their awareness. 2. Conscious Incompetence If you have reached this second step in the change process, you already realise that you aren t as confident as you d like to be. You also realise that it is possib le to change and that if you did your life would be better or easier. It may be that you have come to this step because you tried to do something and weren t able to step up to the plate in the way you would have liked to or maybe y ou re being asked to do something, such as speaking in front of a group of people, or taking on a new role or responsibility, and you don t feel confident to take t hat step. This is the step where you re ready to make the change; you re doing dua` to Allah t o ask Him to help you find the best way to make the changes and you re actively se eking a solution. 3. Conscious Competence When you reach this step, you may have been on the confidence-building course, y ou re working with a coach, you ve found a great self-help book that you re working th rough or you re taking inspiration from the lives of the female Companions. Which ever way you re working on it, you re being successful and practicing the skills, bu t you still have to do it consciously. You have to think about it and remind you rself to do it; you may have encouraging messages on your mobile (cell phone), y our mirror or coming into your Inbox. But you re getting there. This is actually one of the most dangerous steps in the change process. When peo ple get here they often start to feel that they have got over the hump; that the y have succeeded in making the change and are confident people, and so they stop concentrating on it. But this is the time that it s very easy to slip back into t he old ways. It is often said that it only takes 21 days to change a habit, sadly this is jus t a myth and it may take many more days than that, anything from 18 days up to 2 54 days according to one study. So do keep focussed on developing the new confid ent you and keep on working at it. 4. Unconsciously Competent When you reach this step you will have mastered your self confidence and it will be second nature to you. You ll be able to cope with new situations, and if thing s don t work out the way you hoped, you ll turn to Allah, look at what happened with patience and take the learning from it. "And We will surely test you with something of fear...but give good tidings to the patient, who, when disaster strikes them, say, "Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return." Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy." (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2: 155-157) You ll now be able to walk into a room feeling strong and confident like the Super Muslimah you know you are. You ll be living life you ve been given to the full, conf ident in the knowledge that you re striv

Trusting Allah with the Outcome Another cause of lack of confidence is fearing that the outcome will be somethin g that you won t be able to cope with. This dua` can take away that fear: Rabbi Yas sir wa la tu'assir. Rabbi tamim bil khair. (O Allah! Make it easy, and do not mak e it difficult. O Allah! Make it end well.) How does that take away the fear? By surrendering your affairs to Allah, you ve as ked Him for what you want, but realise that He will decide what the good end for your affair will be for you. If you put your trust in Allah and realise that wh atever outcome He chooses it will be what is best for you, this makes worrying a bout outcome pointless and lets you just concentrate on doing your best. Conquering Speaking Fears There is another wonderful dua` you can say, especially before getting up to spe ak in public or starting to say something that may be difficult to say to someon e. It is the dua` that Prophet Musa (alayhi assalam) recited before going to tal k to Pharaoh, to help him get over his stutter: Rabbi ishrah li sadri, wa yassir li amri, wa ahlul uqdatan min lisani, yafqahu qawli. (My Lord, expand for me my b reast [with assurance] and ease for me my task. And untie the knot from my tongu e that they may understand my speech.) I m one to the sure that none of us will ever have to speak to an audience that includes some like Pharaoh, but insha Allah, reciting this dua` before you speak will help reduce your nervousness, express your ideas clearly and fluently and create impression you'd hoped to create, of a strong, confident SuperMuslimah!

So, see, we can still call out at any time of night and day asking for our needs to be met, full of confidence that Someone will come to attend to us, as Allah will always answer our dua` in the way